The Best Rom-Com Film Ever! The Best Films Ever!

I'm David Hasselhoff and I know more about movies

than Simon Cowell knows about engagements.

I have done every kind of movie, horror, sci-fi, action, dance,

sports, and all with just one super versatile/handsome face.

Tonight I plan to break your heart in two

and then make you fall in love all over again,

as I take you by the hand and lead you to the promised land

of the Hoff's Best Romcom Film Ever.

Welcome to my "Hoffice", my very own movie-expert headquarters.

Now, I've done a bit of romantic comedy myself.

No doubt, you'll remember me

starring alongside Joan Collins in The Cartier Affair.

I know what you're thinking, and the answer is "yes,

"I really am that handsome".

Well, later on I'll be revealing exactly which of our soppy movies

is the Hoff's Best Romcom Ever.

But for now, grab your bags, cos I'm going to take you

on a romantic journey that will make you laugh, cry

and twitch all at the same time.

There's going to be some sassy girls.

Women want to be her. Men want to shag her.

There's going to be some hunky guys.

Do you find me attractive?

He drives me wild.

You just look into his eyes and you see your future.

There'll be tension and tantrums.

If you meet someone and you have a vitriolic hatred of them...

..ignore your instincts, they're probably the one.

And a whole lot of loving going on.

-Absolutely enormous pants!

-(Jesus.)

For my job I have to kiss Hugh Grant.

APPLAUSE

'I never see anybody declaring their love in a train station.'

Just people asking for tickets!

So stand by for an unforgettable romcom romp.

As pretty much the hottest guy on TV for the last 30 years,

I've learned a thing or two about women.

Practical stuff like sending flowers is good.

Sending leather underwear is bad.

And the best female romcom leads know exactly what they want.

They're smart, sexy, accessible

and they're all looking for one thing. The real thing.

Get ready for an exclusive look at the Hoff's little black book

of romcom angels.

Oh! God, she was hot.

Oh...

Ah...

# All the single ladies All the single ladies

# All the single ladies All the single ladies

# All the single ladies Now put your hands up

# Up-up-up, up-up-up Up-up-up, up-up-up

# Cos if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

# If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

# Don't be mad once you see that he wants it

# Cos if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

# Oh-oh-oh... #

The qualities in a good romcom leading lady,

first and foremost, are that she is lovable.

He's a ferret.

I got him in Sicily at a flea market years ago. He's old.

-He can't really see any more.

-Ah.

Savvy, sassy...

Well, colour me happy, there's a sofa in here for two.

Women want to be her, men want to shag her.

SCREAMING

SCREAMING

And someone who's not much of a ho. She's got to be wifey material.

Oh, oh!

What the...!?

You have to believe that you could get her in the real world, as well.

-That helps.

-Definitely.

Your dog was attacking me and I had to run and I ran into you.

What is it with you and this dog?

Sandra Bullock, definitely gettable.

DOG BARKS

-See? Exactly.

-Oh...

-See that?

-Barely made it out with my life there.

Did you see the size of the teeth?

DOOR SLAMS

Meg Ryan...

'Is she gettable?'

Yes, yes. Oh! Oh!

Oh!

We can get Meg Ryan.

-Cameron Diaz?

-I think Cameron Diaz is still pretty hot.

'Yes, she's still very hot and I think she's gettable just because'

she's very funny. I think humour is the way...

What is that?

Hm?

She's not afraid to let spunk be in her hair, for the sake of a romcom.

SHE GIGGLES

Is that hair gel?

-Yeah.

-Great, I could use...

No, no, you don't have to.

I just ran out.

I do think the female leads have to be relatable.

At least now I'm in my 30s, I can hold my drink.

LAUGHTER

One of my favourite romcom girls is Bridget Jones.

PHONE RINGS

Bridget Jones,

wanton sex goddess with a very bad man between her thighs.

Mum? Hi.

Because her life is just one big series of embarrassments.

'I'm trying hard to fight off a vision of Mum and Aunty Una

'in fishnet tights. It seems unnatural,

'wrong even, for 60-year-olds to dress up as prostitutes

'and priests on a Sunday afternoon.'

# Fly me to the moon... #

'Oh, Holy Jesus!'

The fact that men will fall for her despite all her clumsiness.

Oh...

The door was open.

It captures something

so unique about just what it's like to be a normal girl.

LIVELY MUSIC

I never buy Jennifer Lopez as the lead in a romcom.

No offence, sweetheart. What planet are you on?

You don't get it.

None of you get it, there was something different about him.

Yeah, it's called money.

I think, "Shut up, J.Lo, no-one's buying you as a maid, or whatever."

What don't you get? I'm the maid.

She's too much of a celebrity to be one of us,

to be like, "I'm just a girl looking for love."

You're like, "No, you're not, you're Jenny From The Block,

"but in an ironic way."

Now, you can't have a boy-meets-girl story without a boy.

I know these things. It just wouldn't work.

But what kind of guy does it take to win the heart of our gorgeous,

love-starved princess?

Well, we need a hunk with a dash of nerd,

or a touch of Average Joe.

Maybe even a sliver of loser.

I guess that's why I haven't done more romantic comedy. Hah!

Yes, our male romantic lead needs to be blind to his own dumb ways

until, that is, he starts to fall in love.

I give to you the guys with their eyes on the prize.

Ah...

I think a classic romcom male is a bit goofy.

LATIN MUSIC

Someone who makes you laugh.

No, put your left hand behind your head.

Yeah, just drop your left hip.

HE WOLF WHISTLES

-I'm kidding. Put your arms out straight.

-OK.

Has that naughty twinkle in his eye.

Natasha is a top attorney and specialises in family law.

Bridget works in publishing and used to play naked in my paddling pool.

He's a bit of a loser.

Come on in, I'll just...

Erm... Right. All right.

Hugh Grant, for my money,

is one of the great romcom leading men.

ENGINE REVS

I'm not the type of girl who goes for kind of smouldering good looks

in a man.

But, then again, you know, if you look at Ryan Gosling in...

Oh... In any film, really, then I'm sold immediately.

-Do you find me attractive?

-She does.

-I don't.

-You do. She does.

-Yes, she does.

-I don't.

-You do.

-You do.

-I don't.

He drives me wild, actually.

It shouldn't work, his eyes are too close together.

His head is quite small and rectangular.

And yet, he is the sexiest man that EVER walked the earth.

He is to die for.

-OK, OK, we'll go again.

-OK.

-OK.

'He takes his top off'

and it's such a glorious sight.

Fuck! Seriously?

It's like your photo shot.

Frankly, you just look into his eyes and you see your future.

That's what I do, anyway.

What happened to your feet?

-What do you mean? These are my 407s.

-Oh, they're 407s. Can I see them?

Yeah. These offer a lot of support.

-Right.

-Oh, come on!

My favourite men within romcoms

are the odd ones out.

Come on!

Go for the geek. My mum said that to me before the Internet.

She was right, cos the geek rises up.

Fuck, fuck. I was supposed to get one for my sister.

-Here, take mine.

-No, that's OK, I'll wait.

Please, I very rarely look cool. This is...

THEY LAUGH

It becomes completely feasible that someone like Katherine Heigl

would be in love with this smelly, hairy man.

He's just a ball of fuzz in that film.

A charmless fuzz, but he's so lovable within it.

It's awesome that you had sex with her.

If a goofy guy like you had sex with her, I feel like I did also.

I was so drunk I just wish I remembered it.

I go to bed thinking to myself, there is a God.

There is a man up there looking down on me

and he will find me a lovely lady one day.

Hi, I'm Andy.

You look comfortable. Can I get you another cocktail?

Every guy knows that chat-up lines are tricky to pull off.

Personally I find that,

"Hi, I'm the Knight Rider and the main guy in Baywatch"...

that works just fine.

HE LAUGHS

But now that we have our lovebirds,

we need something to bring them together. The question is, what?

In the best romcoms, the meet-up moments create a kind of movie magic

like no other. It's time for the Hoff to play Cupid.

BANG

Oh, sorry.

I don't think cheesy chat-up lines work in real life.

Actually, I know that for a fact.

But in films, you know, the cheesier, more awkward it is,

you just...you're like, that's the bit where you'd

pick up the cushion and, like, nargh!

Apparently, an enormous number of people actually

bump into their future spouses at weddings. Which is interesting.

Yes, I met my husband at a wedding.

Ah...

Good Lord, I seem to have finished my drink. Do excuse me.

Ryan Gosling's character is the king of the chat-up lines.

You're really wearing that dress like you're doing it a favour.

-Oh, God.

-That's a line.

Me sitting over there for the past two hours

not being able to take my eyes off of you is a fact.

There's lots of beautiful women in this bar. Your friend included. Hi.

I love you.

Then it gets a bit unbelievable, which is that he keeps saying,

"Do you want to get out of here?"

-Let's get out of here.

-OK.

-Let's get out of here.

-Absolutely!

-Let's get out of here.

-OK.

No woman would do that in the UK. They'd go, "It's cold, I've got to get my coat. I've got to queue up."

Normally they're not even chat-up scenes.

Normally, in the romcoms they'll run into each other on the street.

Oh! Shit!

-Bugger!

-God!

-I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Or start arguing over a cab.

Hallelujah!

Excuse me, this is my cab.

What, you own it?

No, but I'm about to rent it.

The initial meeting in romcom is not butterflies

and love at first sight. Never.

Oh, a man who doesn't believe in marriage.

I'm trying to point out the hypocrisy of the spectacle.

That's so noble of you. Do you also go around telling children

that Santa Claus doesn't exist?

Someone needs to blow that shit wide open.

What it basically tells the viewer is, if you meet someone

and you have a vitriolic hatred of them, for good reason...

..ignore your instincts, they're probably the one.

In a romantic comedy at least one person will be hiding

an inner tiger inside some frumpy clothes that have just got to go.

All change for the Hoff's hot movie makeovers.

-I've got an idea. Let's do a makeover.

-Ohh!

No. No.

Come on, let us.

It's sort of the metamorphosis that we can go in

and become the butterfly that we all are.

# I'm going to be a supermodel... #

Every romcom has that moment where the woman goes wild,

spends all this money on make-up, looks fantastic,

looks 1 million and then everyone is like,

"Yes, she is really beautiful now."

# Like we did, like we did

# When we first met... #

It's the old thing, take the glasses off and the guy is like,

"Oh... Aren't you beautiful?"

# You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress

# Oh-oh, kiss me

# Beneath the milky twilight... #

Even if it doesn't fit into the narrative, put it in there.

Put a makeover in there.

Soon there'll be like a shopping section in romcoms

and a hair section.

That's what they like.

Is that sexist?

The best shopping montage, obviously Pretty Woman.

# Pretty woman, walking down the street

# Pretty woman, the kind I like to meet

# Pretty woman... #

If Richard Gere got his credit card out and said,

"Listen, you can spend an obscene amount of money,"

I would absolutely squeal with joy.

How obscene an amount of money were you talking about,

just profane, or really offensive?

-Really offensive.

-I like him so much.

Oh, what a love story.

A young prostitute gets picked up from the streets.

# ..you're not the truth

# No-one could look as good as you. #

She shows the women, "Hey, I may be a prostitute but now look at me,

"I've got nice clothes."

-I was in here yesterday. You wouldn't wait on me.

-Oh...

-You work on commission, right?

-Yes.

Big mistake. Big, huge.

I have to go shopping now.

A woman's makeover is exciting.

There's music and friends and, like, champagne and hair

and a man's makeover is just about, like, ripping hair from his body.

Aaaaaaggggghhh! Owwaaaooohhhh!

I hate you. I hate you. Stop smiling, you jerk.

You pussy.

It's quite nice to see a guy go through it for once.

It's really good to see the guy be the one that has to go

through the transformation and doesn't feel enough as he is.

Miki, you should burn in hell!

OK, all right, now, seriously, I think I'm done.

Ooh, I think we're done. I think that's good. Phew!

In every romcom, there's one moment we're waiting for.

It's the moment when David Hasselhoff rides up on a horse

and steals the girl.

I'm kidding.

I'm talking about the moment where a couple stare

into each other's eyes and kiss for the very first time.

Believe me, it harder than it looks, kissing a beautiful woman on camera.

That's why I always insist on doing at least 40 takes.

Pucker up, people.

Eight out of ten women believe that the first kiss will tell them

everything they need to know about a relationship.

The build-up to the perfect romcom kiss is very important

because we want to be right there with you.

The woman must go three quarters of the way

and then the man gets to go that final one quarter.

And then music has to happen.

MUSIC: "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin

# Watching every motion in my foolish lovers' game. #

-Where's that coming from?

-Dan!

How in the fuck is Top Gun music playing?

There's a lot of face touching, isn't there, in romcoms,

when they first kiss?

It's a tough job but, yes, I had to kiss Hugh Grant.

And I was so excited about it.

I'm not going to lie.

I said to all my friends, "Guess what.

"For my job, I have to kiss Hugh Grant."

-What do we do now?

-Smile.

A little bow.

CHEERING

And a wave.

Perhaps one of the best sort of anti-snogging-scene snogging scenes

is not a British movie, an American one - Annie Hall,

where Woody Allen decides

to formally get the awkwardness of the kiss out of the way.

-Hey, listen, listen.

-What?

-Give me a kiss.

-Really?

-Yeah, why not?

We're just going to go home later, right? And there's going to be

all that tension. We never kissed before and I'll never know when

to make the right move or anything. So we'll kiss now, get it over with

-then we'll go eat. OK?

-Oh.

-We'll digest our food better.

-OK.

Tried that. Kicked in the bollocks.

Well, that's first base taken care of.

But in a good romcom you need heat between the leads

and you know the Hoff likes it when things get steamy.

Stand by, we're about to get...naked.

Can you...undo my zipper?

It gets stuck.

Did you just spank me?

-ALARM BELL RINGS

-I guess I should...I should go, huh?

Night.

A romcom sex scene has got to be fumbly.

This is a very silly little dress

and these are...

Fuck me. Absolutely enormous pants.

(Jesus. Fuck.)

Sex scenes that have humour in them, I find hilarious.

Don't be embarrassed.

-I'm wearing something quite similar myself. Here, I'll show you.

-No.

We all laugh at it.

We've all been in similar situations where we've kind of gone, "This is..."

Sex is funny. It's hilarious at times, you know.

-Oh, my God. You're really... Oh.

-Oh.

SHE LAUGHS

It can't be too gory or too kind of graphic.

You can't have any fluids or anything flying around. That'd be too much.

Oh! OH!

Phil!

They came in so fast I didn't know where to go.

The best sex scene in a romcom is definitely Bridesmaids,

at the beginning, at the top of the film. I bought that film for my mum.

It was difficult to sit through that. It made me feel a bit awkward.

-That feel good?

-Yeah. No. I want to go fast.

-You want to go fast?

-Fast.

Oh, oh, oh, ah, ah, ah.

It's Kristen Wiig's faces and noises, I think.

I don't think we've ever seen that in a...in a sex scene before.

SHE PANTS

Ugh, that is not how sex scenes should be, and that's what brilliant.

So, straightaway, you know these two are not meant to be.

Even though he's very attractive.

Wow, this is so awkward. I really want you to leave

but I don't know how to say it without sounding like a dick.

Oh.

You're not watching a classic romcom if our lovers don't fall out

like a pair of chimps fighting over a banana.

Yeah, a good row is an essential stop on the path to happiness.

One minute, love is in the air.

The next minute, it could be shoes,

crockery or the kind of language that would make a builder blush.

Brace yourself.

You can't take anything seriously.

You know, you didn't even read the baby books.

I didn't read the baby books(!) What's going to happen(?)

How did anyone ever give birth without a baby book(?)

That's right, the ancient Egyptians fucking engraved

What To Expect When You're Expecting

on the pyramid walls - I forgot about that(!)

The argument in a romcom, that's the action,

that's the adventure, that's the fight scene.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Nothing a front-page story can't cure.

Oh, so that's what this is all about.

Albert and Allegra on the front of your crap-ass newspaper.

-SHE GASPS

-You put them there!

-No, you did.

He did. The minute he called you.

It puts some peril in the film, I think. That's what you need.

You fooled me to win a bet and you should feel ashamed.

You took me to a God-damn Celine Dion concert.

You made me miss the big game.

Oh, smart guy's a rhymer.

# Well, do we want everybody to know your lovemaking is lame? #

Oh, maybe cos you named my penis, yeah, you named my penis.

# You named my penis after a dame! #

If they just got together and were happy, that's rubbish.

There has to be... HE GASPS

"Will they? Won't they? Oh, my God!"

-# Because you're

-You're so vain

-# So

-You're so vain

# Vain! #

Never in a romcom was there an argument about a mortgage.

-What do you want from me?

-I don't want anything from you.

-Fine. Fine.

But let's just get one thing straight.

I did not go over there that night to make love to you.

That is not why I went there.

But you looked up at me with big, weepy eyes -

"Don't go home tonight. Hold me a little longer, Harry."

What was I supposed to do?

-What are you saying, you took pity on me?

-No, I was...

-Fuck you.

Oh, yeah, you can slap the guy all you want in romcoms.

Yeah, go...go silly.

Ah.

Please, just...

If you had people of reasonable intelligence

and emotional, sort of, maturity, there would be no romcoms.

Now, when I'm watching a romcom, sooner or later,

I want a gesture of love.

And not just any gesture -

I want it big, I want it public.

You want the girl of your dreams,

you'd better pull out all the stops.

And I'm not talking flowers from the petrol station

and a bag of doughnuts. Oh, no.

When our movie Lothario realises he's been a fool,

there's only one thing that can turn it around - the PDA.

Public display of affection.

It's a race against time to stop the woman he loves

turning her back on him for ever, but will he make it?

So, at the end of a romcom, there needs to be the final big gesture.

I have a little favour I need from you.

Margaret's on that plane. I got to talk to her. Can you stop it?

You should try and stop the person that you love going somewhere.

-Where is she?

-She quit.

-She's got an interview in Washington.

-When's she leaving?

-Today.

-When?

-Like, now.

It should be vehicle-based.

Andy!

"Oh, my God, there's just enough time. I can make it. I can make it."

And then they run.

-Oh, wish me luck.

-Good luck, crazy girl.

Bloody hell, this is fun.

Sorry.

It has to be in a big place, in front of as many people as possible.

You've got to put your heart on the line and make sure

you look as stupid as possible.

I just wondered whether...if...

Mr Thacker realised he'd been a daft prick...

MURMURING

..and got down on his knees and begged you to reconsider,

whether you would, in fact, then reconsider.

Cos that does seem, to me, one of the more ridiculous

elements of a romcom and I think one of the most overplayed.

You said you wanted your life to be like a movie.

Sorry I had to use the real Grand Central instead of the fake one.

I never see anybody declaring their love in the middle of a train station.

It just doesn't happen. It doesn't happen. Don't believe it.

Just people asking for tickets, man.

But, you know, in real life, people'd just go, "Shut up."

You would just... They would ruin that moment.

CHEERING AND CAR HORN BEEPS

Friends of yours?

You don't want to deal with the reality of the situation of life,

you want to escape into these worlds of perfect love,

and that's what makes great romcoms, is that it's something that's just,

just barely realistic enough for you to imagine it happening to you.

Every girl wants this kind of big gesture

and a man to put everything on the line for her

but then as soon as you do they just think you're creepy.

So, there it is, Britain. That is how to win a girl's heart

without being the star of the most watched TV show of all time.

But which romantic comedy does the Hoff most like to watch

when he turns off his phone and kicks back?

Well, for me, it's got to be

the clumsy English rose whose pants are as big as her heart.

Yeah, the Hoff's best romcom film ever is the one and only...

..Bridget Jones's Diary.

Bridget Jones's diary is the ultimate.

Love Bridget.

-TUNELESSLY:

-# I can't live

# If living is without you. #

-Why is it called Bridget Jones?

-That's her name.

-Right.

-My little Bridget.

-Hi, Uncle Geoffrey.

It just has every ingredient for the perfect romcom.

She's 30-something,

she's single, she's, you know,

watching all her friends couple up around her.

You really ought to hurry up and get sprogged up, you know, old girl.

-Time's a-running out. Tick-tock.

-Yes, yes.

Every girl has watched that and thought, "I've been her."

-ANSWERING MACHINE:

-You have no messages.

I've woken up hungover

on New Year's Day and written in my diary,

"I'm not doing any of this again."

'And not continue to form romantic attachments to

'any of the following - alcoholics, workaholics, commitment-phobics,

'peeping Toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits or perverts.'

I think the honesty of it is the real appeal.

'Suddenly feel like screen goddess in manner of Grace Kelly.'

Because she is so loveable and smart and funny in that film, it is

actually perfectly feasible that

two men such as Hugh Grant and Colin Firth

would be in love with this wonderful, normal woman.

I like you very much. Just as you are.

It means that there is hope out there for the rest of us.

She gets the guy so...

Wait a minute. Nice boys don't kiss like that.

Oh, yes, they fucking do.

Well, it's getting late. I'd better call a cab.

Please don't ask me to stay.

I've...been hurt too many times before.

Till we meet again, let us not say, "Goodbye."

Let us say, "Au revoir."

This is the Hoff signing off.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd