The Best Sci-Fi Film Ever! The Best Films Ever!

Hi. I'm David Hasselhoff

and I know everything there is to know about great movies.

I've been in horrors, rom-coms,

sports movies, dance movies, action movies.

You name it, I've done it.

And today, I'm going to take your brain to another dimension.

Welcome to The Hoffice.

Please sit down, but don't get too comfortable.

This desk has to be back in Hugh Hefner's mansion in two hours.

In this episode of The Hoff's Best Films Ever,

we're going to visit the only place I know

that's bigger than my profile in Germany.

Space!

As I reveal to you The Hoff's Best Sci-fi Film Ever.

Ten... Nine... Eight...

OK, OK, that's enough. Roll it!

As we travel through time, we'll meet creatures that are not of this world.

That little bugger!

Out with his tongue ball. Eugh!

We'll find out what kind of hero a good sci-fi film needs.

If you can kick alien ass, you're cool!

Get away from her, you bitch!

We'll hang out with everyone's favourite sci-fi invention,

the robot.

I am a robot. Look at me. Fight the power!

We'll see exactly what kind of weapons you need to survive

in a sci-fi world.

They dream up wonderful ways in which to kill people.

My favourite.

We'll answer the question, "What should I wear?"

We used to have three-quarter-length jackets.

Like cheap leather. Plastic leather - pleather!

I could see you in that outfit, man!

And we'll do it all in the best form of transport ever, a spaceship.

The best sci-fi spaceship is definitely Minn... Minn... Minnellium Falcon.

Millellium Falcon.

The thing from Star Wars!

Cool! But believe me, none of it means anything

if you don't create a world the audience can believe in.

I should know. I made Starcrash!

When do we reach the floating city?

-Less than two minutes.

-I'll check the docking facilities.

Right.

'A movie set in a third dimension

'where the Emperor of the galaxy's son was called Simon!'

Don't ask!

Thankfully, many other directors have spent millions

building huge sets perfecting CGI and crafting landscapes

that have left kids - and let's face it, geeks - all over the world

wide-eyed with wonder!

'The best thing about sci-fi is the outer world.'

There's something different, mysterious.

Going places and discovering things you never thought you'd see

or experience ever.

My favourite sci-fi world from childhood has to be Star Wars.

Star Wars set the bar so high.

You've got everything you need.

The bar scene in the first Star Wars,

it's just genius. It's funny.

You've got all the aliens playing their "toot-toot!"

Brilliant.

Avatar world, oh, my goodness.

I saw that in 3D. Best 3D movie ever.

I felt like that was a holiday for me!

When I was watching it in 3D, I was there. I was at Pandora.

When the film ended, I was sad

and angry.

And I wanted to go back to Pandora, and I wanted to be blue!

The Matrix is just my favourite sci-fi world, definitely.

Welcome to the desert of the real.

Films like Alien and Blade Runner.

The way that the future is manifested

is actually quite dark and grubby

and dingy, and quite industrial.

It's a very bleak view of the future.

The detail from top to bottom in this imagined world

is superb - just slightly off kilter.

I will watch Planet of the Apes movies before I'll breathe.

I think it's amazing.

When you first see the apes in the field,

and that music, "Raa! Raa!"

And then the apes show their faces!

That is pant-shittingly great!

Can I say "pants"?

Now it's time to meet the guys from outer space.

In sci-fi, aliens come in all shapes and sizes.

Fat and slug-like, green and slimy, bug-eyed, leathery, poisonous.

Kind of like my agents and managers.

But whatever they look like, the most important thing

is for them to be a little like me -

unforgettable!

Here's the stomach.

Paul and E.T. are up there for me.

-Are you an alien?!

-To you I am, yes.

-Are you going to probe us?

-Why does everyone assume that? What am I doing?

-Am I harvesting farts? How much can I learn from an arse?

-Wh... What?!

He finds himself in this world where he's just trying to be one of the guys.

He likes a bit of Prodigy. He likes a smoke.

-'What does that mean?'

-It means healing, Mr Spielberg.

-'Yeah, right! Healing.'

-OK.

'Like if I touch her or something. Like his finger at the end, when he reaches out and touches?'

Maybe. You know, sometimes I find less is more.

'Hey - trust me.'

Films sort of stick to the template of what aliens look like.

The long hair, the weird eyes.

Spielberg came along. "No, I'll make my own alien."

I'll...be...right...here.

Looked like a loaf of bread on top of a fork, basically!

'E.T. would have been a very different movie'

if it was the alien from Alien had come down!

And instead, when he injured his finger

he'd bit it off and impregnated his mum with his offspring!

# Dee-diddly-dee... Kapow! #

That little thing, crab-looking spider-like, hand-looking

nastiness with the towel.

That is nasty. I don't like that.

I don't think they should ever put that in the film. They went too far.

It doesn't really have a name.

Aghh!

They've called it Alien, so they've taken the best name. What can you call any other alien?

This kind of really creepy, weirdly sexual beast,

dripping with slime with this kind of phallic head

that punches out of John Hurt's chest.

'That thing with the little teeth.'

It just shows you it's quality, not quantity.

That little bugger!

The brilliant scene where the egg in Alien, when John Hurt goes to look in the egg.

And you see just through the shell

something moving in there, which is this face-hugger!

I've heard it's Ridley Scott's hand in a pair of rubber gloves!

Just inside, wiggling them around!

The best alien in a sci-fi film is Jabba the Hutt.

With his tongue. Eugh!

It's grotesque. He's grotesque!

But really scary!

EVIL CHUCKLE

Great sci-fi films need great spaceships.

Whether you're an alien or an android, getting from A to B in space isn't easy,

especially when B is 200 billion light years away!

That's why you'd better make sure you've got yourself a serious set of boosters

because if you haven't got hyper-speed and target-locking lasers,

you are going nowhere, my friend!

Get ready for blast-off!

The best sci-fi spaceship is definitely Minn... Minn... Millellium Falcon.

I can never say that! Millellium Falcon.

That thing. The thing from Star Wars.

She's almost like a character in the film itself.

The kind of affection and love that Han Solo feels for this thing.

She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts!

He treats it like his lover,

the way he talks if anyone touches it.

I've made a lot of special modifications myself.

Because I was so obsessed with him, I've never wanted to be a spaceship so much in my entire life!

I've always had a soft spot for the Starship Enterprise.

'Space - the final frontier.

'These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise.'

Just because there are so many worlds within this one ship.

You can't even contemplate how enormous it must be.

What I like about the Enterprise is it seems all human life is here.

Well, all human and alien life is here.

It's almost like a heavenly, Eden-like place

where everybody from lots of different races and planets

can all hang out together, mingle together and work together.

Oh, my God!

'When I think about movie spaceships,

'I have to think about the Close Encounters mother ship.'

This amazing living city in the sky

that swoops over Devil's Tower at the end.

It's a model. No CG, all model.

It's just absolutely amazing.

Oh, my God!

'It's meant to fill you with awe. It's got lots of lights,'

amazing five-note sequence that it responds to.

FIVE MUSICAL NOTES

Most sci-fi films are visually amazing,

but you can't just rock up on a blue planet with six moons

in a pair of jeans and a hoodie!

The good news is, even if you look like Jabba the Hutt,

you can get anywhere if you're dressed right.

Sci-fi movies have given us some of the most far-out fashions

in the history of the universe.

Strike a pose. It's time for The Hoff to introduce

sci-fi's next top model!

# You keep sayin' you've got somethin' for me... #

Sci-fi fashion is incredibly difficult to get right.

You usually end up running around in silver jumpsuits!

Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes, Mr Powers?

I designed them myself.

Why silver? Is it some reflective property that makes it good?

In Blade Runner, they did a clever thing of having a mix of different fashions

and quite eclectic looks that everyone had.

It seems believable even now,

even though it was made in 1981, '82.

There seems to be a lot of leather going on in the future.

I think The Matrix is the most stylish sci-fi film.

We used to have three-quarter-length jackets.

I'm not joking. This is a true story.

They weren't leather, though. It was cheap leather. Plastic leather - pleather!

..that I would find The One.

-The Fifth Element...

-..was weird.

The outfits in The Fifth Element were so weird!

-I mean, Chris Tucker!

-I can see you in that outfit, man!

# All night long, all night... #

I think fashion in sci-fi, when they try too hard, can go wrong.

When they try to make everyone look really futuristic.

'When are we going to be able to have fat days in the future?'

When can you have a bloat from gluten?

Everything is like second skin!

I hate that about future films.

It panics me about what I'll do in the future!

What happens at Christmas when you gain a few pounds?

When you gain an extra ass?

You can't do that! Nothing is hidden in the future!

I think The Day the Earth Stood Still

was very much like an outfit that you could pee in.

I think that's why you have those space outfits.

You can just basically let loose.

You may not know it, but The Hoff knows all about science.

E, for example, = MC squared.

And I'll send you a signed photo if you can prove me wrong.

But, in the world of sci-fi,

things are different.

Cos in the movies, science is made up.

And if you think making up science that sounds realistic is easy,

then you never disengaged the flexar monitor on a Phaseoid TC-20.

Avatar has a lot of sci-fi babble.

What we think we know is that there is some kind of electro-chemical communication

between the roots of the trees,

like the synapses between neurons.

And each tree has ten to the fourth connections to the trees around it.

And there are ten to the 12th trees on Pandora.

There is a tendency that you can kind of explain,

try and explain anything away,

with just kind of made-up science.

It's a network. It's a global network

and the Na'vi can access it.

They can upload and download data,

memories, at sites like the one you just destroyed.

Yes!

What the hell have you people been smoking out there?

-Anything to do with Star Trek...

-Right.

-..has a ridiculous amount of babble in it.

How in the hell did they do that? Where did the Romulans get that kind of weaponry?

The engineering necessary to artificially create a black hole

may suggest an answer.

Such technology could theoretically be manipulated to create a tunnel through space/time.

Dammit, man, I'm a doctor, not a physicist!

They don't have the science worked out, but someone pops up in a white suit.

The grey flesh encasing it is organic material.

Some kind of bio-engineered space suit.

If it's a woman, it's someone who is probably model pretty.

They'll just blind you with science.

Which makes sense, given the placenta is a life-support system.

Basically, in order to survive in our environment,

the being had to be born here.

They'll throw loads of fancy words at you, but it still doesn't make a lick of sense!

To make an alteration in the evolvement of an organic life system is fatal.

A coding sequence cannot be revised once it's been established.

If they could explain them, they would have made them by now.

So why try and explain it? You can't. If you could, someone would have made it.

That is the paradox of science fiction!

When we're talking of science fiction films,

we have to talk about robots.

They started off as a bit of harmless fun.

Hell, I even used one in my car.

Now they've started asking us

why we have an unexpected item in the bagging area

when we're trying to buy milk!

If that isn't going too far, then I am not the number one TV star in history.

But don't say the movie robots didn't warn us.

Those crazy little tin men have been causing trouble

since cameras started rolling!

-AS A ROBOT:

-Engage the Hoff-bot!

So you've got androids, cyborgs and robots.

Like different breeds of dogs.

I think we like robots for two reasons.

One because we want servants!

We want servants that are pliable and will do whatever we ask them to do

and robots in movies tend to do that.

-COOL ROBOT VOICE:

-Shall I finish cutting your hair later?

No, let's finish this.

C-3PO and R2-D2 are a cute little buddy couple, aren't they?

Surrender is a perfectly acceptable alternative in extreme circumstances.

The Empire may be... CUTS OUT

-C-3PO was ghastly.

-In Short Circuit, there's Johnny 5. Everyone remembers that.

Malfunction. Need input.

-Input?!

-He just sort of waddled around, whining the whole time.

You just wanted to see him destroyed.

No! No disassemble! No disassemble Number 5!

If you watch Wall-E, he does have a similar body shape to Johnny 5,

but Wall-E would kick Johnny 5's ass

up and down the street happily.

I love robotic reminders of ourselves, as well,

so I love Robocop.

He's a husk of a man. He's been shot to ribbons by the bad guys.

So they put his body, I think half of his body, into a metal torso

that keeps him alive, just about.

WOMAN CRIES

-Let the woman go. You are under arrest.

-Shit!

He has a computer memory and a human memory, and they fight for supremacy in his mind.

He's an incredibly cool character.

MAN SCREAMS IN AGONY

Your move, creep!

I like the humanoid robot's end.

The straight up, "I am a robot. Look at me. Fight the power!"

Ash!

Robots in films, as long as they have white blood,

which is gross and horrible,

I think that qualifies for a robot. You don't need to act like a robot.

-Mr Lawrence?

-Yes.

Michael Fassbender's robot, David, in Prometheus, is probably the best.

I was designed like this because you people are more comfortable interacting with your own kind.

He's trying so hard to be accepted,

even though he will never be accepted because he's a robot.

If I didn't wear the suit, it would defeat the purpose.

-Making you guys pretty close, huh?

-Not too close, I hope.

Of course, the thing we really care about in a sci-fi movie

is the hero or heroine.

I mean, girls kill stuff, too.

But a sci-fi hero is a very specific kind of beast.

They have to be able to pilot any kind of spacecraft

without looking in the instruction manual!

And look hot doing kung fu in pleather!

So, who's my perfect sci-fi hero?

Guess who's going to be a bit of a rogue in there, with your sci-fi hero?

-You need gas?

-Been here long?

'They need to be special, somehow.'

They need to be able to do something that other people in the film can't do.

Bruce Willis is the best action hero ever,

but can do sci-fi incredibly well.

Because it's exactly the same except instead of shooting people, he's shooting aliens!

One of my favourite sci-fi movie heroes is Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator 2: Judgment Day.

My mission is to protect you.

Yeah? Who sent you?

You did.

We don't necessarily like our heroes to be too sort of invincible.

The fact is that he's got to protect this essentially helpless child.

So that's where the vulnerability comes from.

So we don't need it in the hero. The hero can be completely bad ass!

One of my favourite sci-fi heroes is Neo from The Matrix.

Neo from The Matrix is the science fiction version of Superman.

He can fly, he's strong.

Someone who can defeat anything and anyone with the power of his mind!

If you look at Star Wars, you've got two heroes, really.

You've got Luke and Han, and they're completely different people.

-I'm not going anywhere!

-They're going to execute her!

You said you didn't want to wait and be captured. Now you want to stay?

Marching into the detention area is not what I had in mind!

-But they're going to kill her!

-Better her than me!

You always thought Han was the brave one, but in the end, Luke came good.

A lot of times, like Luke Skywalker, they're the reluctant heroes.

They don't want to do it,

but they wind up saving the Earth.

What a bonus! I bet he gets laid!

'Remember, The Force will be with you, always.'

When Star Wars came out, I was seven,

and I just wanted to be Luke Skywalker.

What's he talking about?

Then you move on from that,

and I would say your icon would settle on Deckard from Blade Runner!

I'm Deckard, Blade Runner.

260-354. I'm a monitor.

My favourite sci-fi hero is definitely Sigourney Weaver

in the Alien films, because she turns into a bad ass throughout the film.

Sigourney Weaver kicks ass, and she kicks alien ass, as well.

If you can kick alien ass, you're cool!

Get away from her, you bitch!

In a sci-fi world, where you've got to stretch... The suspension of disbelief is huge!

You've got to have a lot of patience for sci-fi in that respect.

The characters have to be real.

The problem for me is, a lot of the heroes in sci-fi films,

I end up preferring the monster!

Let's get something straight. On Earth, weapons make you look like a psycho.

But in a space film, if you're not packing some high-tech laser phaser,

you're going to end up living in something's stomach.

And I don't do living in something's stomach.

For a start, it would ruin my tan!

So, grab your blasters.

It's time to load up The Hoff's most awesome space weapons!

Sci-fi is a wonderful breeding ground for directors with wonderful imaginations

who want to dream up wonderful ways in which to kill people.

Favourite weapon in a sci-fi has got to be the Death Star in Star Wars.

-It's a planet that blows up other planets! You don't get much bigger than that!

-It's a big deal.

Then we have the coolest movie weapon of all time, no debate.

It's the lightsaber.

As a kid, you and your mates, fighting with broom handles going,

"Vrrr!"

I think the best weapon in a sci-fi film is not Robocop himself...

ED-209.

..but the two-legged machine

that they've developed as an aid to law enforcement.

Please put down your weapon! You have 20 seconds to comply.

I think you'd better do what he says!

It's such a funny scene. It's macabre, but it's really funny.

My favourite weapon in a sci-fi film is in The Fifth Element.

Voila! The ZF-1.

It's an all-purpose thing.

It's light. Handle's adjustable for easy carrying.

Good for righters and lefters. Breaks down into four parts.

Undetectable by x-ray. Ideal for quick, discreet interventions.

They have a net thrower, a freeze thrower.

A flame thrower.

My favourite!

OK. We've travelled the universe, and now we're back on Earth,

which is ruled by me, Lord David of Hasselhoff.

But which space movie sends me into the stratosphere?

Well, The Hoff's Best Sci-Fi Film Ever

has the perfect combo of spaceship,

weapons and the best alien in movie history.

It's even led by my all-time favourite life form,

a woman!

That's right. I give to you the one and only...

..Alien!

Of course ever all-time is Alien! Of course it is!

It's got everything, that film. Everything.

They managed to set it in space, but still make it one of the most claustrophobic films.

They're trapped in their ship.

I do think Alien was incredibly influential.

Particularly in the actual alien, with all its weird teeth.

And the weird dripping things that are happening.

Sigourney Weaver is my ultimate female hero.

When everything is falling around her...

..she puts her hair up, she sorts it out.

I'm altering the vector now.

She saves the day!

The greatest piece of sci-fi film-making ever.

I hope you enjoyed the show. I know I did.

We've learned that sci-fi movies challenge us to dream of distant horizons.

They also show us that maybe there is a corner of the universe

where nobody is too ugly to get into a cool bar.

OK, we're done.

So, until we meet again,

this is The Hoff blasting off!

Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd