Tourettes: I Swear I Can Sing

This programme contains very strong language.

I first met Ruth a few months ago.

Wanker. Shirt wanker.

Shirt wanker!

Concentrate.

I've been called some things in my time, but this was something else.

-But I knew it wasn't personal.

-Hello!

Ruth has Tourette's syndrome.

A neurological condition that makes her say and do involuntary things.

Shit sticks.

For a while Ruth's Tourette's took over her life,

smashed her confidence, and stamped on her musical ambitions.

But that's all changing now.

And I was lucky enough to hang out with Ruth

as she attempted to take control

and get her singing career back on track.

Petrol bomb! Petrol bomb!

It's early in the morning and Ruth is heading out for the day.

Petrol petrol bomb! Petrol bomb!

Condoms. Syphilis. Gonorrhoea.

Chlamydia.

Cat AIDS.

Cat AIDS.

Gobby shite.

Travelling is everyday stuff for most of us. But with Ruth nothing is mundane.

I know I have the possibility to say anything

or to make any movement or to make any gesture.

I am and will always be a ticcer.

I have finally come to terms with it.

Whether or not I deal with it on a day-to-day basis very well

is different, but that's cool.

I think that's another thing, it's OK to have days

where I'm just like, I can't deal with this, it's OK.

But, yeah, I've come to terms with it.

Wankers.

That's another issue.

And there's not enough time to turn back and say you know... Hello!

There's no cure for Tourette's.

Over 300,000 people in the UK have it in some form or another.

But only 10% of those are like Ruth, where their Tourette's

sometimes compels them to swear and act inappropriately.

I go like that as in to say thank you

but then I end up going like that as well

and I think maybe that's why sometimes they come faster

which isn't cool because I don't walk very fast.

Dodgy trolley time. Cankles!

Oh my God! Cankles!

Thunder Thundercats. Oh!

Hanging around with Ruth, I find even though she's aware of what she's doing,

it's obvious to me that it's very difficult for her to control her Tourette's.

Hairy Mary is a fairy.

Hello. I do very much look after myself.

Huh! Huh! Nuts!

Nuts!

Absolutely nuts!

Nuts! Nu-u-uts!

Nu-u-uts! Nuts!

Nu-u-u-u-uts!

I think there are some nuts over there.

Bomb, mouse.

Aha. I get weird, funny looks, comments.

Sometimes it's positive.

You always provoke a reaction, always.

Even simple tasks are, well, a bit different with Ruth.

Knickers!

And you can never be sure of how people will react.

-Wankers!

-I was enjoying the song.

-Why?

You think so?

You think this is singing?

It's Tourette's syndrome, a neurological condition which causes involuntary sounds

-and movements, that's what it is.

-Oh, yeah?

-Thunder cats.

-And you're fine?

-Yeah, have you heard of the syndrome before, no?

-Yes, I have, yes, I have.

-Oh really?

-I have.

But you didn't recognise it straight off, did you?

-No.

-No, cos it's so different from person to person.

-That's good.

-You'll sleep well tonight.

-Whatever.

Plonkers! Wankers.

Paki!

Ching Ching.

Jihad, Jihad!

No race, no denomination,

no gender, no sexuality,

no religion is safe when I come out.

Chocolate!

I am not a racist.

I am a Tourettist.

But I'm not a racist.

Jesus was a nigger. Honestly.

I would like to think that the more I put myself out there the more that...

..I don't know about people knowing Tourette's

but people knowing my Tourette's

and getting less stares

and generally life being easier.

That's the hope. Oh Jesus, don't let me be fat!

Hello.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ah! Ah ha!

Ha ha! Ha.

Yeah, I can also tic laugh, I can do them all.

As well as mimicking people she hears,

Ruth also imitates the noises around her.

SHE MIMICS THE CASH TILL

And sometimes she blurts things out she doesn't want you to know.

98234.

234.

98795.

895.

Enter.

Five years ago, at the age of 20,

Ruth headed off to Middlesex University to study music.

-Gobshite.

-A promising singing career lay ahead.

This is the first time she's been back.

I was in my second year when I got diagnosed.

It was weird because I think

my tics were starting...

to surface, I would say. I was suppressing them.

But they wasn't as obvious and I remember sometimes running

out of lectures and having panic attacks and stuff

cos I felt like I didn't know what was going on either.

My sister mentioned a couple of times maybe I had Tourette's

cos she'd seen Pete from Big Brother

but I just didn't equate that to myself.

All right, wankers.

And everyone who I'd seen from the books and things like that

and the internet seemed to be white Europeans

so I just thought, "No, it's not me."

Bus wankers.

I realised I could see people looking at me.

Bus wankers!

And I know it wasn't just looking at me, it was like looking at me

like at certain parts of my face were moving too much or maybe my hands.

Ha! And sort of like noises like that, monosyllabic noises

that almost could be, you know, construed as like letting out air.

Huh! Ha.

But they were a bit more than that, so I got looks for that,

which is understandable.

Wankers.

I just didn't go out really, I sometimes wouldn't wake up

and would just sleep, I just had no energy, I couldn't be arsed

and I didn't want to face

having to deal with other people's reactions to it,

it was like I had a bad enough time trying to get it myself

and understand it and was perplexed by it

and yet I was meant to answer every single question about it,

when I didn't even understand a lot about it.

I was embarrassed by it to be quite honest.

Fat cunts!

Woah! Going to school, it's for fools!

You're behind, you're tired,

your tics are still manifesting themselves as well.

I think people just took it as skiving and being lazy.

Ruth's Tourette's became unmanageable.

Her blinking and facial tics in private

became swearing and screaming in lectures.

In 2008 Ruth had to quit university,

giving up all ideas of a career in music.

You miss lectures, you don't hand in work.

All sorts of excuses.

If I want to hide something, I'm very good.

Didn't want to talk to anyone about it - how will they help me?

They didn't have Tourette's. That's how I saw it, so black and white.

Gobshite!

This is the first time in three years she's been back

in her university music room. And I really want to hear her play.

-I'm rubbish now, honestly.

-Just try.

-No. I'm rubbish.

-Just try.

-No.

-A little tinkle.

-See if you can remember anything.

-You put me on the spot here now.

SHE PLAYS FLUENTLY

SHE SINGS ALONG

Oh!

It's the only things I have really big dreams about...

flying and music...

are the two things that I feel are just like no boundaries,

my body doesn't stop me, my tics don't stop me,

nothing can stop me, I feel like...

Ahh, like that, that's how I feel.

I know what I can do.

I know what I want to do and I suppose that's the drive that I have.

Hello.

About six months ago I realised that making music

was almost like a therapy.

I get release from this and I'm able to just do something

and know full well that I'll be in control of it at all points.

I know that at no moment I'm going to drop something or break something

or walk into something, I'm just going to be totally in control of it

and I can actually envision what I'm going to do and fulfil it,

in the way I want to do it.

SHE SHOUTS

Observe the soft, smooth inhalation

and soft smooth exhalation.

Yoga to me is a way for my mind to be finally still.

Shit.

Do some standing postures...

Cankles!

Wankers!

Cripple!

Cri-i-i-ple! Cripple! Cripple!

Cripple! Cripple! Cripple! Cripple!

Cripple! Cripple! Cripple! Cripple!

-Does yoga help?

-Cripple. Help!

It's helped, yeah. I do feel somewhat relaxed.

-Firmly down.

-Tight.

-Gary, you're bending your legs.

When I'm on my own my tics go into overdrive.

Your senses are more heightened...

Your sense become more heightened and so your tics...

run wild.

SHE MAKES A NOISE

Hello.

Flowers.

Flo-o-o-o-wers.

Flowers.

Letters.

Le-e-e-e-tters.

Letters. In memory of cunts.

In memory of wankers.

In memory of squirrels.

The only way is Scunthorpe.

Denise Van Outen.

Deni-i-i-se!

The only way is Scunthorpe!

Squirrels!

Ruth was born in 1986 in London.

Her father returned to Nigeria when she was two,

leaving her mother to bring up Ruth and her brother and sister.

I was very impulsive as a kid, so I'd just jump and dive

and tumble off anything.

Inevitably I'd always get hurt or stuck somewhere.

I got my arm stuck in a few things and my head stuck in a few things.

To infinity and beyond!

Screw a Jew. No, thanks.

Very impulsive. Very act first, think later.

Fight first, think later.

Jump off something, dive off something, flip off something,

and then maybe it'll hurt later.

When I was young, I was very quiet, very introverted.

I needed order and for things... to know what was coming up.

And honestly, just cripplingly shy.

I used to love coming down here with my brother and my sister

when we were kids.

It feels smaller now, but we used to, like, run from up there down here.

Recreate all the gladiator events.

I think I was always last.

Paedo.

Paedo.

Paedo in a Speedo.

As a child, Ruth showed no sign of having Tourette's.

Her first small tics didn't appear until she was at secondary school.

At the time, she had no idea what they were.

This sounds about right. I was always late for school and the gates were always shut.

It was here that Ruth first discovered her passion for music

Oh, you've all grown up!

LAUGHTER

Ruth is met by her former teacher, Miss Franklin.

Ah, welcome!

Nice to see you.

You too!

You have to get through the gate now.

Yeah, I was going to say, this is...

As she walks through her old school gates, it's amazing to see

how calm Ruth suddenly becomes. Her tics all but disappear.

I'm all right, yeah.

No children though.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God! I can't remember where my locker was.

There you go. Welcome home!

You look really well.

Thank you!

You don't even look grown up.

I know! Yes! It's weird cos I get ID'd now

and I think, are they trying to flatter me or whatever.

Then I'm like, "Shut up", and they're like "ID, love"

whereas before I was so struggling to get in...

Of course not, Miss, I never did...

No-one asks me for ID.

Aw!

I would.

LAUGHTER

I was still very studious.

I was still very uptight in a way.

Still kind of shy at heart.

I spent a lot of time up in the music...

-You did.

-Yeah.

But it's funny cos at the time I was doing a lot of PE as well

like, netball and things like that and it was almost like

a real big battle I had within myself

cos it's like I was good at both but I couldn't do both

and give us much to both, you know. So...

You chose well.

Maybe I would've been all right here with... As my Tourette's is now.

-You would.

-Yeah.

Of course you would.

Yeah. I think a lot of people still remember me from secondary school

as how as how I was, larking about,

so it would have been just that but with the Tourette's on top of it.

-I knew you would cope.

-Yeah.

Cos you would, cos you always had a really quiet determination.

Sometimes we had to help you with the determination...

LAUGHTER

-..but on the whole...

-Gobshite.

You were always going to succeed.

I started ticcing when I was about 16,

and so I would've been a sixth form but it wasn't noticeable

and for some parts, I guess I was pretty much in denial about it.

Also I knew when I went home that I would sit there

and just be moving constantly but I just...

It was two different kind of... I didn't associate myself with moving so much,

it was weird but it, yeah...

Then coming back here and also a lot of old friends from school,

who are on Facebook, there was like this whole thing,

"No, does Ruth have Tourette's?", all of that going on

and so it's, yeah...

because I never grew up and developed with it,

there are some places where I just never had it,

so, like, this is one of those places

and so in a way it is kind of nice to just walk back in

and have you just sort of like say "hi!", and not be like,

"What's this?", you know.

So that's really nice because for me that's probably

one of the most difficult things about having Tourette's

is maybe like meeting people who didn't know you before

with all the movements and then seeing them again.

That for me is quite, you know... I hate that, you know.

It always fills me with, like you, really nervous...

You know, like, their reactions.

Gobshite!

Most cases of Tourette's appear in childhood.

When Ruth's came on in her teens, it took years before anyone worked out what was wrong.

I started developing, like, motor tics,

like, rapid eye blinks, then nose twitching

and it was all sort of on the right-hand side of my face.

I think at that point, my mum started taking me to my GP at the time.

Bitch!

And she always just kept saying,

"Oh, it's nothing, it's just a nervous twitch."

Shit sticks.

Paedos.

I think we went back several times and then after a while

I thought, I can't be arsed cos it's just too distressing

every time to go in there to be made to feel as though you're stupid

and that you don't know what's going on with yourself.

Being made to feel like you're a liar

and that you you're doing all of this for attention.

We all have shit.

It's what you do with it afterwards.

You can either clean it up nicely with some wipes

or you can... You can stew in it.

# Deck the halls with cunts and wankers... #

Faster!

Run, fat boy, run!

Keeping running, ignore me.

Oh, petrol bomb.

Ruth's older sister, Joy,

was the first person to guess Ruth might have Tourette's.

Me and my sister...

I think we look different.

So, it always alarms me when people say, "Oh, I couldn't tell who's who."

And it's kind of even funnier now, cos...

it's like an ongoing thing all throughout our childhood

that no-one could tell who was who.

But I felt like I looked more like my brother.

As we've gotten older - people don't say it -

but I know how they can tell us apart -

cos I have Tourette's and she doesn't!

-Gobshite, paedo.

-Look at Simon, look at Simon.

DUCKS QUACK Quack, quack, quack!

'Before, I didn't know how to cope with your Tourette's,'

I know you're the one with Tourette's and I'm your sister,

-I haven't got Tourette's...

-Hello.

..but I think Tourette's affects people round you as well,

like friends and family

because when we used to talk before...

-Hello!

-I didn't know how to carry on...

-Yeah.

..having a conversation with you

and you'd make a noise and I'd be like, "Are you OK?"

Like the phone.

And I'd carry on stopping, like, constantly.

They hear you coming and they're like, "That's Auntie Ruth,"

and I'm like, "How d'you...?"

"Just listen, you can hear her coming round the corner."

I think sometimes you can spend your time maybe...

petting someone and going,

"Yeah, there, there," or "Yeah, you do have a tough time of it,"

or "Yeah, it is really bad. Oh, yeah, yeah, I do see your struggle,"

but my sister's not like that.

None of us are like that in my family.

Ruth has recently returned home to live with her Mum.

'I know now every time I walk out of the door,'

I know why she says, "Be careful" and she genuinely means it...

"What time you coming home tonight? Don't go raving, drink or smoke.

"Don't do this, don't do that."

-I'm saying that to her.

-"OK then, Mum, I'm just going to sit at home

"and just whine about having Tourette's."

Ruth's only real escape from her Tourette's is when she sings.

And over the weeks I've been with her,

I've realised just what that must mean.

RUTH SINGS MUSICAL SCALE

# La-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. #

Going to end it there cos I know I'll embarrass myself

when I go up with the arpeggios.

I suppose I've not done any... practising in a very long time.

It's been more just like, getting used to singing again

and so just doing it cos I've found it therapeutic,

I'm not doing it cos I want to be a singer,

I'm just doing it cos it does help with my tics

and so doing this feels more sort of like...

..putting the theory with the practical

and I suppose that's what makes someone better or improve.

ELECTRONIC KEYBOARD NOTES

RUTH SINGS MUSICAL SCALE

I love it, it gives me so much joy, so much peace...

..even though I can sometimes be like, raargh!

But...at times with my movements and stuff,

it's the only kind of respite I get, not even when I sleep,

cos I manage to still crack my teeth

but that is...

Fuck!

In 2009, a year after quitting university,

Ruth found support meeting up with others affected by Tourette's.

It was the first time she'd met anyone else with the condition

Snap!

I needed that Tourette's group,

it's the only place I was going to go to and tic and just let go.

'It takes people a long time to come to it

'so you also have maybe things that prevent you from coming,

'anxiety-related issues and what not...

'but everyone who comes has a good time,'

learns so much from it,

comes away with wanting more of the group.

Em, these were exactly the same feelings as I had,

before that, you'd probably have never met anyone else...

with Tourette's syndrome.

Hello, everyone!

-Hello!

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Have you come from Aberdeen?!

RUTH LAUGHS

Two years on,

and Ruth now coordinates a local Tourette's support group.

We've all kind of like said hello to each other and stuff

but nobody's met Elliot yet.

Good afternoon, my name's Elliot, I'm an actor

-but I'm currently training...

-Phone home.

-Yeah.

A young actor has joined the meeting to help him prepare for a role.

It's an ongoing project of 12 weeks

and basically, it started with two families

and my character has Tourette's

so I've come down here,

I spoke to Ruth to see if I could meet you guys.

But it's weird though, cos a lot of it is just physical things

and a lot of really heavy breathing, which was horrible.

-Oh, ooh!

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

A lot of like, coughing, so I would sit there...

-GROUP MEMBERS COUGH

-A lot of that.

And... So, there's a lot of that

and then, with the Tourette's thing,

the problem is with acting Tourette's I found,

is that you don't want to be too stereotypical.

-No. Gobshite!

-When did you finally come to terms with your Tourette's,

when did that finally, you had a decent understanding of what it was?

About five minutes ago!

GROUP MEMBERS LAUGH

What what what what what?

What what what what what?

With friendships and relationships and stuff, how...

were they, were they quite accepting of it, like how...?

You suppress, ooh, suppress is the word that...

..ticcy people do, I think.

I work in a Mind...charity shop.

-Hello.

-And for Mind they really...

there's some understanding but you know,

-you still suppress in front of your managers...

-Right.

..because you know, you want to present as normal.

When I worked at Fred Perry

I used to go in the back cupboard in the stock room...

-RUTH:

-Mouse!

-..and ah...just let it all out.

So no-one could hear cos it was packed with clothes.

-RUTH LAUGHS RUTH:

-Only the mice!

I just...I just let it all out doing my shoulder movements

and stuff like that, so it was good.

-RUTH:

-Cables.

That's the real challenge for me,

it's not just finding the physical attributes,

it's trying to find like, what it is within everyone who has Tourette's

and then why they do it.

I think that there's more going on under the surface with Tourette's

than what you see,

so as much as it seems like a lot out there's more going on.

I think for a for a lot of people with Tourette's,

a lot of people here,

the first thing to do is suppress, that's a natural thing to do

and so you wouldn't see the full amount of it, to be quite honest.

Hra!

And that's just like a society thing, I think.

It's much more comfortable to...

You know, you want to relax you want to be part of the group,

as it were, but you're going to suppress. Hra!

We get good at suppressing, so what you see is all... Woo!

Really inside rather than necessarily, erm,

expressed physically.

It's all words and words and words and words as well.

I'm stuck down a well.

Velociraptor training school. Fu...

While Ruth is spreading the word about Tourette's,

her friend and fellow support group member, Jess,

is taking things that little bit further.

# Fuck a bear I'm a biscuit bear. #

Jess has had Tourette's since she was six

and has created Tourette's Hero, a character she plays in schools

to help fight the stigma attached to the condition.

You combine sort of the unpredictable...

Biscuit! Biscuit! Biscuit!

..the unpredictability of Tourette's,

with the unpredictability of people's reaction to it.

Biscuit!

And you've got quite a quite an odd way of living. Keys!

Tonight Jess takes her campaign worldwide,

with the launch of the Tourette's Hero website.

And she's asked Ruth to get up on stage to support the cause.

The first time I met you... Biscuit! ..I remember... Biscuit! Fuck!

All I wanted to do was stare. Biscuit!

And I wanted to stare at you because... Fuck!

..because it was the first time that I'd seen somebody with...

Cankles!

And I wanted to know what it looked like, what I looked like. Fuck!

And not just seeing someone with tics. Biscuit!

Seeing someone... Biscuit! Fuck! ..with tics that looked like my tics.

-Fuck! You might disagree with me but...

-I do!

But fuck! Biscuit! I fucked a sheep! Obviously when I need to talk about

Tourette's in the context... Fuck! ..people is only a very small percentage...

Biscuit! ..of people with Tourette's that swear. Fuck! Biscuit! Biscuit!

But for me it is part of my experience...

Not me, fuckers!

Biscuit! And I have to acknowledge that.

Tourette's is a multi-tic spectrum disorder.

Just because someone sees yourself or sees me

or sees Pete from Big Brother,

does not mean that next time they won't get it wrong.

So it's just about changing, like you say, changing the world

a tic at a time.

It's only minutes before Ruth gets on stage

and I've never seen her so nervous.

Let me say something... Cankles!

Err! I've known Jess now for about... Fuck off!

..for about three years now. I can't see anyone.

And she's an amazing person, so I'm glad to be here today.

This is about celebrating the uniqueness...

Fuck off! ..of Tourette's syndrome,

which I don't have. Everyone thinks I do, but I don't have it.

Grab the mic off me or I won't give it back to you.

Grab it off me, go on, grab it off me!

Make some noise right now!

Ruth's really enjoyed herself. I hope this has given her

the confidence she needs to get back on stage, to perform live,

and show off her amazing voice.

It's difficult to believe that three years ago,

Ruth's Tourette's left her isolated

and unable to face the outside world.

Now, for the second time this year,

Ruth is about to jump out of a perfectly good plane...

with two friends from her Tourette's support group

Sorry, it's taking me a while.

Do one of you guys want to witness Ruth's signature?

Telephone number?

999!

Erm, zero...

Nine! Two...

No, sorry, just 0-2-0...

Ay! 7-2-6-3... Ha hai!

999! No, 2-7-3... Oh, no...

I've forgotten it now.

I'm very nervous because why would you want to throw yourself out of a plane, right?

But I'm going to fly so that's totally cool.

It's funny cos I'm not even feeling like a nervousness

like when I perform it's just... it's excitement, it's excitement.

I'm going to fly.

I've always felt like I could fly.

I feel like that on stage as well, like I can fly and I will fly today.

Ah!

I loved it! Amazing, oh!

I loved it, seriously, just like flying...

The patchwork quilt. Oh, it was just...

We tumbled as we came out, we spun, I flew it.

Oh!

Come here, guys. Wasn't it amazing?

Hey!

You know what, I had no fear doing that. Like, that's death-defying.

I'm not going to die from doing a gig but I get so nervous.

Ruth's passion for performing seems to have been re-ignited.

She's even decided to sing in front of people

other than her close friends.

I want to do about four or five public performances,

even if they're small, even if they just open mic nights.

I would like to do them because singing really is the only thing

I do that I just get like relief from it.

I'm able to control and produce... Ha! ..produce a sound

rather than sort of like something else like being in control

and doing random things as well.

Whore, wankers! Titty fucks!

Every morning, Ruth commutes across London,

as two years ago she got a job at a centre for autistic adults.

Commuting is a stressful time for Ruth.

Her Tourette's compels her to fill the silence of the journey.

Paper wanker, train wanker, bus wanker.

This is the awkward bit,

when the train goes by and you're swearing in the window.

And it's like you're trying to quickly like saying,

"No, no, no, honestly, you're a lovely person, I'm sure.

"Didn't mean to."

Bus wankers.

That's another one, as well, when you're you like on the bus,

it pulls up at a stop.

I always dread that cos you start again and then

you always get looked at.

"No, I didn't mean to, I'm sure you're a lovely person again but..."

And when I'm driving... it's not funny but it is.

Biscuit! Crackers! Custard creams! Bourbons!

Rich Tea! Lesbians!

Bus wanker! Train wanker!

Yellow cunt, blue cunt, green cunt, red cunt, green cunt, white cunt.

Beige wanker!

What about this one? You've still got a bit of sticky glue there.

We're going to paint this.

Now we'll go for the shoulder.

Having spent a couple months with Ruth, I'm beginning to understand

the nature of her Tourette's.

At times, she seems totally consumed by the condition.

Whilst at other times, she's able to suppress her tics,

especially in front of her students and colleague Panos.

She may have the occasional hand twitch,

but in terms of the vocal tics, there are none.

Maybe towards the end of the day, there's a bit of breathing

and "Huh!" But not once has she sworn,

not once has she said anything offensive

while working with clients.

And I just think that that's absolutely incredible,

but you can see it takes its toll.

Do you guys want to stroke the parrot?

No!

RUTH LAUGHS

Perfect.

'The easiest way to describe it'

is tensing up your muscles all day

and your shoulders and your legs, everything completely... Huh!

Completely tense, but it's not just that.

Inside of you is completely tense. Your mind is as well

because you're worried that you might let it slip.

OK. Just a little bit more here.

I'm liking this, Karen. You're doing a very good job.

I can do it, but it's just... it's so strenuous, you know?

'It's something that you're constantly aware of.

'You constantly have be

'maybe on your guard about it.'

-I like you, Ruth.

-Like you too, Tone. High five?

SHE SINGS ALONG TO MUSIC

Despite the obvious difficulties,

work has become a crucial part of Ruth's life.

'It's been such an eye-opener, working at St Marks.'

I've learnt empathy, really. A bit more empathy.

And that is OK to rely on people.

I've just got to practise that a bit more.

Be a bit more open to that.

In less than a week, Ruth will sing at an open mic night,

putting herself and all her tics in front of a crowded room of people

she's never met before,

who know nothing about her or her condition.

'I wish I would allow myself to make mistakes

'and that's where you experience new things.'

I think sometimes I'm a bit afraid to step out of my comfort zone

and try new things and make mistakes.

I'm just so afraid, I suppose, of that.

Hearing voices saying, "I told you so."

SHE SINGS

It could work like that, actually.

Just you improvising over the top of it.

SHE SINGS

-Oh, that's it.

-I've got it.

HE PLAYS GUITAR SLOWLY

Ooh.

Nice extensions.

Lovely.

# Let me tell you a little story

# About the way things made me feel

# From the rising of the sun

# To the moon that is so high

# And to all the little in betweens

# That make me feel so scared

# The moon and all its phases

# Never faze me at all... #

'I'm feeling very exhausted and I'm feeling very ticcy,'

but when I just sing, I just find

I get this new sense of energy

and I want to do more and I can do more.

And the time flies and...

And no-one else is there.

I just really enjoy it.

# My heart is sad and lonely... #

'I trust my voice now and trust myself,'

whereas before I didn't. I think I was just so apprehensive of...

Of what my voice could do

or what people's reaction would be to me.

# I'm over you, body and so-o-oul

# I spend my days... #

'When I sing, it all makes sense. I can understand anything.'

I can command

how I want things to go, how I want the guitar to go,

what happens next.

That's why I was going like that,

signalling at end of the song to just keep going.

I can do it with my voice and make a room stop, or make a guitar stop,

or I can make it all happen.

But with the Tourette's, I can't.

Never mind.

# I'm over you, body and soul

# Ooh. #

Pritt Stick!

That's a mood killer, isn't it? Pritt Stick!

In the few months since I first met Ruth,

I've watched her confidence grow.

Have you ever been on one of these?

But some of the things we all take for granted

remain far from straightforward,

and she often needs the support of her mates.

I noticed a few months ago, as soon as I walked into the shop

the first thing I shouted out was, "I'm stealing!"

And it's just stuck.

Ah!

I'm stealing!

It goes everywhere else with me, but in particular

it always seems to refer back to whenever I enter a shop

I'm stealing!

That's spiffing, with the little...

SHE SINGS

I think for most people, appearance is important.

Ooh, I like this.

'When you've got Tourette's, you have susceptibility'

to always look a bit like a mad woman.

Maybe I make a bit more of an effort.

I wouldn't walk around in jogging bottoms, that's for sure.

'I do like to dress up anyway. It's fun.

'I like being at home, putting music on and trying on outfits'

and combinations and stuff, even when I'm not going anywhere.

It doesn't necessarily mean I'll wear it like that.

Wicked, wanker!

-Thank you.

-Thank you very much.

Fuck off!

Ah!

Engaged! Available!

Engaged! Full of shit!

SHE LAUGHS

Does this one actually light up?

I'm stealing!

What about that?

Ah, it goes right over your head.

After a while of being around Ruth, you almost stop noticing her tics...

Can I pay with a card?

Gobshite!

..even if she still does have a problem with pin numbers.

Nine! Eight!

In the week leading up to the open mic night,

Ruth is tired and tense. I'm worried she's taken too much on.

'I care so much, it really hurts. I care so much that I don't'

talk about it with people.

I'm bothered a lot of the times.

I care, I'm bothered that people

never see anything past the Tourette's.

I do care. I really do care.

Lord knows how much I try, because I do care.

'I probably have to try a hell of a lot more than other people do'

because of my condition. Am I not bothered?

That bothers me, people saying that,

because try too hard and I don't think people give me enough credit.

for the fact that I do try and I've had to come over so much

to be able to try. So yes, I do care.

It's the night of Ruth's performance

and the local talent is out in force.

# I'm hanging up on you

# Cos I've had enough of you... #

# Baa baa black sheep - have you any wool? #

# You're all going to die soon

# You're all going to die soon... #

Petrol bomb.

SINGING

It'll be the first time Ruth has performed to a room full of strangers since she was diagnosed.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Her nerves are getting the better of her.

Hmm. Petrol bomb.

Do you tic more when you're nervous?

Eh, you know what, I do think I tic more when I'm nervous.

I'm beginning to notice that.

Before I would say that I tic regardless, which in a way I do,

but I think maybe when I'm nervous then I maybe go into overdrive.

Petrol bomb.

How long till you go on?

Erm...

I think I've got two and a half hours until I go on.

# ..Ha-ha-ah. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm worried about ticcing.

Haaaa...

It getting in the way, people being distracted by, ah...

I don't think everyone as they get ready for a gig or go out is prepared to see someone with Tourette's,

but I kind of want to make them feel like that,

not that everything's a possibility but just that we exist.

-Give me some "Ooooh!"

-CROWD: Oooh!

Keep it going. Keep it going. Oooh!

Ladies and gentlemen, keep it going. Come on, come on.

CROWD: Ooh!

On stage now for her debut performance here... Come on, "Oooh!"

..at The Stag's Head open mic, will you please welcome, Ruth Ojadi!

CHEERING

Petrol bomb!

It's been an agonising wait, but the time has come.

Hi, everyone, ah, my name's Ruth as you just heard,

so I'm going to sing a few songs, em, yeah...

this is the first time I've done this, so be very nice, please.

LAUGHTER

# Let me tell you a little story

# About the way things make me feel

# From the rising of the sun

# To the moon at its full height

# And to all

# The little in-betweens... #

If I'd tried to do this two years ago, I wouldn't have given it...

Hrr. ..as much performance,

effort or energy as I do now. I wouldn't have seen it through.

It would've been a wasted opportunity.

I wouldn't have appreciated my voice or thought that my voice could do

the things that it does do...

SHE SINGS

It's the only respite I get, erm...

And I'm truly grateful for that because not many people with Tourette's can have that.

# In many ways they'll miss the good old days

# Someday, someday

# It hurts to say that I want you to stay

# Someday, someday

# If you're down

# Someday, somehow... #

Ha! And as you walk through the door and...

I don't have Tourette's for however long I'm up there for.

SHE SINGS

Haa! Maybe at the beginning of it as I speak,

and definitely as I walk off or hobble off,

but, hey, what the heck.

That's not a singer with Tourette's who doesn't tic, that's just a singer.

I suppose so, yeah, I am a singer,

but then everyone always knows, do you know what I mean?

I'm a singer with Tourette's who doesn't tic.

So do keep a look out for a singer by the name of Ruth Ojadi.

Because trust me, you'll be hearing from her.

Hi, sexy!

# ..And fears sometimes, they come to me in threes

# Somehow, sometimes

# Say fear, my friend

# You'll say the strangest things

# I find sometimes...

# Oh, my ex says I'm lacking in depth

# Say I will do my best

# You say you want to stay by my side

# Darling, your head's not right

# See, alone we stand Together we fall apart, yeah

# I think I'll do just fine

# I'm working so I won't have to try too hard

# Tables they turn sometimes

# Oh, sometimes...

# I ain't wasting no more time. #

CHEERING

Hello!

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