Confessions of a Sex Addict

This programme contains some strong language and adult content

-Welcome, Jeff Leach!

-APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jeff Leach, and I am a whore.

I'm the stopover guy, I'm the affair.

I'm the one night of passion, I'm the night of adventure.

LAUGHTER

Have a look around this room.

This is the number of people that I have slept with.

I'm the kind of guy who has sex in the toilet

-after a gig, with a stranger.

-LAUGHTER

Hey, you're laughing it up lady

but it could be you tonight, you know, so...

# Baby, I've got a lot of love to give. #

'I'm a ladies' man and, to be honest, a pretty successful one.'

I've had sex with more than my height in women.

'Sometimes sleeping with them at a rate of over ten a week.'

I don't know the number of people you've been with...

It's over 300.

Oh, my God!

'But now I'm on a mission to change.

'I want to see if I can handle a committed relationship.'

It's an unattractive quality to be a slag.

'I need to find out where I have been going wrong.'

Do you think I ever showed a vulnerability when I was with you?

-No.

-No?

'So I'm going to ask my exes,

'with the help of my spreadsheet of past lovers.'

-I've got rid of drink and drugs Jeff.

-Good, he was a dickhead.

'Hopefully, I'll learn some home truths...'

I don't want to say you're selfish but I think you are.

'..and get to grips with my problem...'

This process is proving to be a lot more difficult

than I thought it would be.

'..to find out if I can ever become a one woman man.'

What's wrong with me?!

# I get all the girls, I get all the girls. #

It's the sexy room!

Hey, guy, where are we? We're in the sexy room.

'I'm Jeff, I am 27-years-old

'and when it comes to the fairer sex, I simply can't say no.'

Sexy. You know!

Well, we've got candle and soaps,

so at least were smell nice and be clean in the morning, good times.

LAUGHTER

Little bit bloody vain that Jeff Leach...

Arrogant, actually!

He's fucking arr... Look at him! Who does he think he is?!

Bottom half of Russell Brand, you know,

top half of a skinny Danny Dyer...

-Overall look of a gothic Tintin.

-LAUGHTER

You'd think with my track record with the ladies I'd be happy...

but I'm not.

At the end of the night, most people would go home.

Jump on the tube, get in their car,

go to their abode to see loved ones, but some people are always left.

For instance, look, this lovely group of people over here.

Two ladies, a gentleman, hanging out enjoying each other's company.

Why do I feel the need to view it completely differently?

Why do I not see what everyone else sees?

You want to know what I see? I'll show you.

This is how I actually see the world.

Look, the guys aren't even here.

They don't even register on my psyche.

The ladies are all semi-clad because I'm seeing every single one of them

as a potential sexual adventure.

How you doing, you all right?

It makes me miserable, it tires me out, it makes me feel vacuous

and shallow, and ultimately, very lonely.

Now I'm moving towards 30, my friends are getting married

and settling down.

I'm realising that I can't go on like this forever.

Please can we have a warm welcome for the very funny Jeff Leach, everybody!

'In my profession there's just too many opportunities to meet women.'

You all right? How's it going?

CHEERING

You lot are brilliant. Look at all your happy faces.

Oh, you were looking at my face on the cards.

This is the real thing, baby!

You all right? That's for when you go home

and you're laying next to your boyfriend

and go "Hmmm, let's get that card out.

"That's what it's all about."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You've slept with a lot of my friends.

-Not a lot.

-Within her world.

-Not a lot.

-More than most.

-More than most of her friends, so that's almost all.

-Four.

Cos this is part of our world, isn't it?

Girls are attracted to you because you're a funny comic.

You spend so much time being that for this specific 20 minutes,

they're attracted to that, which isn't real.

It's this illusion that you build and make really good.

-Who am I?

-Yeah.

-That's what I need to work out. Who am I? Am I a whore?

Maybe the performance is what people expect of me.

They expect a whore so I give it.

'So will I ever be able to leave this sex-fuelled lifestyle behind

'and manage to commit to one girl?

'Who better to ask than my ex lovers?

'And with the embarrassing total of 300 plus...'

Oh, it's ex-directory, is it?

'..maybe it's just as well that I've kept note of them all. Yeah, keeping a list, how classy(!)'

When I started having full proper sex with ladies,

I wrote the names of the girls that I'd slept with on a piece of paper,

probably to show off a little bit.

It was, like, "Yeah, look at me, I'm a real man."

And then I started to input that information

into an Excel spreadsheet.

'They range from fleeting encounters

'to two year very open relationships,

'spread across the world.'

There's no scores, there's no ratings,

it's nothing like, "This girl was a five out of five" or whatever.

It's not that crass. It was simply a way of documenting

every single woman that I'd ever slept with.

I kind of have this long list now.

'With a list of more than 300, where better to start

'than with my first true love.'

So this is Amy, my first love.

I was 19 and I was living in New Zealand, working at a radio station

and she was one of the top DJs at this radio station

and it was love at first sight really.

Thanks to the magic of the internet,

everyone is just a quick Facebook search away.

She lives in Doha. Where is Doha?

Getting back in touch with someone who represents

so much pain seems like madness but I need answers.

She will certainly have things of a critical and negative nature to say about me,

but hopefully, some positive things as well,

and also she'll be able to talk about what she thinks

I'm capable of in the future.

I did have my heart broken by my first love, right?

So badly, right?

I was on my knees at 2.30 in the afternoon

as people were going for their lunch break in Auckland

and I'm crying my eyes out, crying so hard, begging her

not to leave me, that I can't form words or sentences any more.

HE SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY

What?

"You deserved it."

(SOBBING) Why are you leaving me?!

Crying so hard that the snot from my nose and the spit

from my mouth had joined together in a bungee cord of pure misery.

One of those heartbreaks.

Women, can I say, like, I am probably a whore

because I am terrified of you, I am terrified of you!

So I printed out my list...

and I'd like to kind of place them upon a blank canvas

so I can look at the reality of what I'm letting myself in for.

That looks all right.

That's probably about double the average amount for a man

of my age, an idiot of my age.

That's me being selfish and greedy.

Page three. That's six men's allowance of ladies

that I have pathetically worked my way through.

'There have been the odd occasions I've been a naughty boy,

'but on the whole, I practice safe sex.'

So it's literally, I've had sex with more than my height in women,

It's like a pendulum of sexual misery.

Doesn't even want to move.

Just like most of my relationships didn't want to move.

Part of me is mildly proud of it.

The human part of me... thinks I'm a bell end.

Why would one person need to sleep with that many women?

Hopefully, I'll find out.

# Tell me have you ever really Really, really ever loved a woman? #

Apparently, the average British man has had 13 sexual partners,

and women just 7. I'm pretty much off the scale.

The realisation I've have had is that my attitude towards sex

and the way I behave is just not normal.

You know, having sex with a 57-year-old woman

just because she gave you a lift home after a comedy gig

is not how normal people behave.

You know, jumping out of a window after having sex with a young lady

because you realise you freaked out at the prospect

of having sex with four or five woman that day is not normal.

Being late for meetings at work because you have to self-romance

for that third time in a row is not normal

and ultimately, once it starts going from 10s to 20s to 50s

to hundreds upon hundreds of women, you got to face up to the reality and sort yourself out.

'So my journey begins.

'I'm going to meet Nicola, number 161 on my spreadsheet.'

You sort of knew me when I was very much still in my selfish behaviour.

I remember I was DJ-ing at that point in a festival,

-summer break festival.

-Yeah, in Newquay.

-In Newquay.

Basically, living a life of debauchery

including picking up 19-year-old student girls on the beach.

Yep.

-I imagine I was a bit of an arse.

-You were.

-Cos I wasn't... I was quite selfish at that time.

-Very selfish.

-You made me very uncomfortable.

-Really?

On many occasions, yeah.

Jeff did what Jeff wanted to do so Jeff wanted to have sex,

and Jeff had sex. Twice now, you've just followed me into the toilet

and you'd just lock the door and, like, it's very attractive

because the girls... Generally, if you like a bad boy, you like that,

but no other man had the balls to follow me to the toilet.

What happens if I screamed? You would come in and look the door.

I've had a lot of sex in toilet cubicles, ladies and gentlemen, I won't lie to you.

In fact, I've had so much sex in ladies' toilets,

I started getting in trouble with the management for turning up late,

"I don't work here!"

"Why are you handing out hand towels?"

"I like to clear up my own mess!"

LAUGHTER

I don't know the number of people you've been with but...

-It's over 300.

-Oh, my God.

Does that shock you?

I'm not shocked because it's you, but that is a huge amount.

Really? Is that not normal?

No, Jeff it's not, it's just not normal.

But why do you... Why?

Because I'm not that bothered.

Loneliness I think, looking for affection.

But sex does not replace a relationship.

I use to make it very much, "You're here to fill in some time for me."

-Which is awful, isn't it?

-That's horrible.

-I know.

-It makes me feel like a... That's horrible to hear.

None of the girls I've ever slept with have just been a number.

Yeah, but they have, haven't they, though? There's 300, you know.

You can't be emotionally connected to all of them, it's impossible.

Yeah, you're right, but that doesn't necessarily mean

that they're also just a number, like a tick on the box.

Well, what are they, then? Experience for you?

-Yeah, momentary experiences of feeling.

-What about her?

What about me? What about girls?

Well, that's why I'm doing this. That's why you're here!

"I don't want you to feel guilty but what about me?!

"OK? You bastard!"

This is getting angry!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Yeah, you're right, your right.

'Well, Nicola didn't pull too many punches,

'but perhaps none of it's that wide of the mark.'

I've had sex in a bar down there, rock and roll bar,

in the toilets there.

I've had sex in some offices there, in the toilet,

someone I used to work with.

I've had sex in Carnaby Street with three different women.

I've had sex in the toilets there. Once, actually in the toilets,

once, behind the DJ booth, that's fucked up.

I don't want to die on my own or surrounded by lots of women

that I have absolutely no genuine committed...

monogamous relationship with.

And I also want to be a dad.

Who is going to what to have a kid by a complete slag?

I'm starting to see how limiting my lifestyle has become.

No matter how hard it is, I need to make this process work.

No-one wants to bump into their exes.

The whole premise of this show is I'm actively seeking out people that

might have quite a negative view of the end of a relationship that

I was in and I'm going to try and see as many of those as possible.

It's like everyone's worst nightmare really, isn't it?

Except I'm embracing it. I live for the nightmare!

'This next girl is my longest "relationship."

'We hooked up every few weeks or so over a period of two years.'

-Hello.

-Hey, you all right?

-How you doing?

-Great, thank you.

'Number 207, Claire.'

It's weird, isn't it?

Yeah.

-You got a coffee.

-Thanks.

-How you doing?

-I'm all right, thank you.

I've probably slept with almost 300 women or so now.

SHE CLAPS

No, no, I'm not looking for an applause.

I don't see this as a positive thing.

-I see this as, like, a problem.

-Hm.

Because, like you say, people don't go,

"Oh, yeah, you're a guy I can definitely settle down with"

-because they go "No, no, you're a massive man slag."

-That's really sad.

-It is!

-It is quite sad.

Yeah, which is why I'm doing this bloody programme

because I want to get to the heart of it a little bit.

Imagine you're talking to one of your mates who doesn't know me.

They went "Oh, what was Jeff Leach?

"What was that whole thing about, you and him?"

I would just talk about sex probably.

Sex? So it was just sex-based really for the most part.

I mean, there's part of me... Obviously, there's the very red-blooded, male part of me,

the old school Neanderthal that's going, "Oh, yes, good at sex, thank you very much."

And there's the other part of me that's the hopeless romantic

that's going, "I was nothing more than a penis to you."

I am that stopover guy. The guy you have in-between a proper boyfriend

and another proper boyfriend.

For instance, if you have some shoes and they break,

you don't walk around barefoot for a week

before you buy another nice pair of shoes.

You know you've got that pair of slutty heels you can throw on.

I am those slutty heels.

LAUGHTER

I didn't think you'd be able to...um...be good boyfriend

or whatever and I didn't want to go there.

So it was like, "I like you more then friends but I don't want to be in a relationship with you."

-I just didn't want to be in a relationship with you.

-Yeah... Oh, "With me"?

Well, this is what I want to find out.

This is what this whole thing is about.

It's about how do people um...

view the prospect of a relationship with me

and will I ever be able to have a committed relationship?

I don't know. I wouldn't think you would...but I don't know.

-Be capable of changing?

-Yes.

Well, I don't think I'd be able to satisfy you as a girlfriend

and keep your attention and stuff like that and also,

if you cheated on me or anything, it would destroy me so I just wouldn't.

-Yeah, so it's easier not to run that risk?

-Yeah.

Yeah, I get that.

That was upsetting to feel like "How many opportunities have I had of that in the past?"

Where women have gone "Rather then tell him that I like him

"to that extent, I'd rather just push him away

"in order to protect myself."

'Clearly, I am long way off boyfriend material.

'What is the secret?

'I am going to see some friends who have just bought their first house.

'Maybe they can help.'

Are you married, fella?

-We were childhood sweethearts.

-Really?

-She was 15 and I was 16.

-Bloody hell!

-Yeah.

How did you know she was the one, then?

I don't know. When I met her, you know, I was with another girl

and I dumped the other girl and that was it.

-I went with her and it's been like that ever since. Four kids later.

-There you go.

I struggle with the idea of a single, committed relationship.

You got used to the idea from a young age of being committed to someone and being with someone.

Whereas I got used to the idea of just having sex with as many people

as possible, you know, so it's hard to break a habit really, isn't it?

Ah, well, it depends if you want to break it I suppose, isn't it?

Yes, no, you're right. That is the crux of the argument, isn't it?

You have to want to do it, to make a change.

My friends Sophie and Dino are managing a faithful relationship.

So what's stopping me?

I don't know, I want to have what you guys have, you know.

Like a genuine, committed relationship

where I can fall in love with someone and not fuck it up

when I actually want to commit to them.

Man, you have to work hard for that.

It takes some time to renounce to freedom and independence.

It was a very gradual process.

I'm envious of that relationship you have.

-You can have it. I mean, if you want it, you can have it.

-Yeah.

It's just that you have to um... invest some of that.

-Yeah.

-Maybe you need to be more patient.

You think I rush? I want everything to happen straight away.

-It takes a lot of time to really discover the other person.

-Yep.

-Dino and I were flatmates and I think it helped a lot that we were living together.

-Yeah.

It's also good because then you know what you get.

If I keep going out and sleeping with lots of different girls and giving them my affections,

you spread yourself too thin.

Like me, this is what I'm doing, I'm not going

"I'll start as a friend with one person then build it up..."

You've got a lot of opportunities and the job that you do...

I mean, you know DJ, stand-up comedian, all these things

It's kind of a fantasy for girls

and there's a lot of girls wanting to know you, wanting to be with you.

-So you've got a lot of temptation...

-The problem is I can't say no!

So you have to renounce some of these successes and pleasures for the special one.

To your new life!

To your future and your promising relationship, I'm sure.

And my non-promiscuous future maybe.

We believe you can do it.

# I'm just a gigolo and everywhere I go

# People know the part I'm playin'... #

So I need to learn to resist temptation.

The problem is I'm out every night meeting new women.

Like Emma, number 252. We met at a comedy club and were lovers

on and off for four months. I want to hear what she thinks,

but first there's some unfinished business.

No, we won't talk about that now cos it's not relevant.

I know what you're going to say.

I only found out afterwards. I was like, "Oh, my God,

-"you slept with three of my mates."

-Two.

Two. Really, like, comedy mates... and it really bothered me

cos then I started to think that you were just a jokey

and I was, like, she's a gag-hag and I was just another tick on the list.

"Well, he's another young comedian."

What bothered me about it was the first time I saw you live,

you made a joke about having had sex with one of the girls

in the front row and there was actually two of them sitting quite close together in the front row

and they got so angry at you. Don't you remember that?

I made a joke about one girl. She was being really drunk

and really rude and heckled me and I said "Oh, for fucks sake!

"Just cos I slept with your sister!" And I had slept with her sister

and she just shut up and both looked at each other,

but the sister knew obviously but that was horrendous, yeah.

-That was a horrendous.

-That was my first impression of Jeff Leach.

-I'm a massive fucking hypocrite as well.

-Yep.

-Horrendous hypocrite.

So I'm on a list, too!

I'm not sure if I like the sound of that.

What else can I learn from Emma?

The whole time we were seeing each other, I didn't feel

like I knew you at all really

and I think I maybe got like tiny little glimpses of it occasionally

and as soon as you start to realise

-"Ah, hang on, that's actually Jeff in there," it's gone again.

-Yep.

When you're being yourself, you're actually quite a nice person,

but you spend so much time trying to be like someone else to everyone else,

when actually you only really need to do that when you're on stage.

I struggle with the idea that people say to me...

you're not the first person who's said it, going,

"Well, we don't really know who the real Jeff is, I feel like it's a performance."

Sometimes that frustrates me cos I go "Well, this is fucking me!"

But any girl that actually genuinely loves you and genuinely wants

to be in a relationship with you will accept that part of you,

but will also sometimes want just a little bit of you to herself.

The softer, the vulnerable side of me.

I don't like being vulnerable, though.

Sometimes, you have to be. If you want someone to...

-It terrifies me.

-If you want someone to love you

then you have to want them to look after you occasionally

and assume that when you open up to them, they won't laugh at you, kick you in the balls and run off.

Yeah, that's why I'm terrified of vulnerability.

You can't live every single relationship

on how other people have treated you in the past.

Everyone has issues.

'Do you think Jeff's happy ?'

SHE LAUGHS

That's difficult. You can't ever imagine just sitting in bed

with him while he reads a book and you're on your laptop.

That will never happen. If you're in bed with Jeff you're having sex.

If you're not, then you're his friend. It's weird.

I have to face the reality that more than one of these ladies

have said "I don't feel like I've got the vulnerable side of you."

Just little snippets of that but mostly it's just the confident Jeff, the stage show as it were,

and I've known that I'm like that

but I think the reason for it has always been fear.

'The fear of being hurt like I was by my first love,

'who left me heartbroken and crying in the street.'

And today I actually received an e-mail from my first love,

from Amy, and she's answered the questions that I've sent

through to her so I'll read you the answers now.

"How would you describe our relationship," I asked.

She said, "Based on the time in New Zealand, it was short, mostly fun

"and very intense." She said, "The intensity became too much for me.

"In turn, I was a complete bitch to you to try and give myself

"some breathing space, I guess."

Who here has been in love? Give me a "woo."

WOOING

Good. Who here has had their heart broken?

WOOING

Who here has asked their partner not to leave them?

Oh, fuck off, really?!

Just me, yeah?

"I'm afraid you're the only sad one, Jeff." All right, chill out.

I said, "What do you think about my list?"

And she goes, "Unforgettable, intimate experiences

"are...unforgettable.

"You've kept a register so you don't miss the forgettables

"when you review your archive of conquests.

"Be honest about it now, Jeff. Winky face."

And she's right. There's an OCD and collective quality

to what I want to do and it is documenting, "Look I've done this

"or I've done that" and I hate the phrase "done," but that's literally what it is.

It's a list of "have dones," isn't it?

How can I not of got it right after 300 plus woman?!

You know, am I learning anything

in each of those experiences or do they mean nothing?

# You cut me up and I

# Keep bleeding... #

'I'm going to have to start learning from my past.'

Dingle, dingle, dingle.

-Hello!

-Hi.

-I added my own bell sound. Did you like that?

-It's good.

'So next up, number 175, Claire, who organises burlesque events.'

-How have you been?

-I've been good, how are you?

-All right, thanks, can I sit?

-Yeah, sure.

I love your shop, it's amazing.

'She deals in fantasy but I'm here for a reality check.'

Yeah, I did think when you first said to me,

when you called your ladies, your women, "lovers,"

it's quite interesting because it does make it more than just a...

It makes it more of a personal thing that you have with them

but it isn't really. It's just exactly the same.

I think you call it a "lover" to kind of make it more than it is.

Do you think I ever showed vulnerability when I was with you?

-No.

-No?

-No.

How do you think I start the process of allowing myself to be vulnerable?

Spend a lot of time with somebody, I suppose.

Just spend all your time with them at all your points.

Like when you're feeling happy or sad

or when you've done something really stupid and you're still

talking to them or when you've upset them. Basically, just time.

You've hit the nail on the head.

By limiting my time with individual lovers...

By seeing a girl one night and making her feel like she is my world,

which she is when I'm with her,

and then not seeing her for two, three weeks or a month,

then I distance, I'm allowed to distance myself.

What I've done to myself and lied in the past is that I've thought

if I do that with a girl enough times, eventually she'll start going

"Oh, he is showing me that side," and it will become something real.

But I think I've been a bit naive there because unless you show

that woman that you're committing to her and, like you say,

investing your time, it basically counts for nothing, doesn't it?

If you think you're giving them more than that then you're wrong

and you need to stop thinking like that.

You might as well get a vibrator really because they've got settings.

A vibrator doesn't buy you dinner!

HE LAUGHS

Ah, Jesus!

I think the main thing that I walked away with

from Claire's conversation was the fact that I'm always limiting myself

on how much I can give to a woman and how much they can get from me

because of the time that I give to them.

So spend no time with anyone...

Well, how are they ever going to get close to you?

# When I'm walking down the street

# They say "Hey, sexy"... #

So am I a guy who just loves sex or is there more to it than that?

# When I'm driving in my car

# Or standing at the bar It don't matter where we are

# They say, "Hey, sexy"... #

It's quite a simple questionnaire "Am I a sex addict?"

So I should answer some questions.

Question one, "Does your sexual behaviour have a negative impact

"on other areas of your life such as relationships, work,

"finances, health and professional status?"

That's a yes.

"Have you tried to limit your sexual behaviours but failed?"

Err.. Yeah, I have tried to do that when I was in relationships

and it didn't work out.

Yes, yes, yes, that's definitely true.

How do you know you're a sex addict?

I filled out a questionnaire, a sex addict questionnaire.

There were questions on there that told me about my sexual fixations.

I was like "Yes, yes!" The lascivious patterns I had, "Yes!"

And I don't mind admitting to you, ladies and gentleman,

but like most new things I meet in life, I nailed it.

So let me tally those up.

Umm...that would be 12 out of 12 yes-es.

I probably need some help really.

If I'm a sex addict then I am not alone.

Six percent of the UK population are apparently keeping me company.

I have arranged to get a professional opinion,

so am meeting with Paula Hall,

Sexual and Relationship Psychotherapist.

Basically, sex addiction is any sexual behaviour

-that feels out of control.

-OK.

If you're acting out in a sexual way

and you don't really know what you're getting out of it anymore

and you don't really know why you're doing it,

you've quite often regretting that you've done it again,

but you keep on doing it, then you probably are an addict.

Even though I was knackered and had to get up at six to film,

I would spend that extra hour-and-a-half

having sex with a girl that ultimately, tires me out,

makes me more miserable the next day because I'm knackered.

I might find myself late for meetings...

I'll turn up 20 minutes late and the reason was because I had to fit in another wank.

It doesn't matter if it's lots of one night stands,

multiple affairs, visiting sex workers,

looking at pornography, masturbating to pornography, whatever.

It's not actually what you do, it's your relationship to it.

You are dependent on it and it is getting in the way

of other things that are important in your life.

So the dopamine receptors in your brain get used to a certain level of high.

So someone who is continually feeding their dopamine system

-is going to get more bored than other people.

-Yeah.

But the only way you can actually change that is to actually change

your lifestyle so that eventually it takes...

-Does it gradually come back down?

-Yeah, your dopamine begins to recalibrate.

Some people recommend you need at least a 90 day abstinence

from any sexual activity

and you've got to find ways of self-soothing that are healthy

and learn to love yourself

and live in your own company and there is a real,

sad, desperate, "Love me, love me, love me," little script going on.

I don't do it in that voice, though.

I find that adds to the neediness if anything!

Celibacy is a terrifying and terrible word, right?

Even for you guys, who don't have sex with, you know, 300 plus woman,

you probably think, "Aw, celibacy... Aw, no thanks

"I'd rather just not have sex."

LAUGHTER

I remember up until the age of seven or eight

being very happy with my family.

I remember going on holidays and my dad put me on his shoulders

and my mum walking along and them getting along

and then actually, from that age on, from seven or eight on,

all I remember is them arguing

and I wonder if there's an element of me...

-Not wanting to get trapped...

-..that thinks,

"Well, I've seen how miserable some committed relationships can be.

So I don't want to put myself through that.

So actually, a lot of your...

sexual behaviour by the sound of it is about intimacy regulation.

You use it to kind of keep out of a relationship to a certain extent...

-Yes.

-..by continually having multiple relationships

you're not putting all your eggs in one basket.

# It's that old devil called love again... #

It feels good to actually be diagnosed as an addict.

Someone scientifically saying,

"Look, you have got a problem with sex and love addiction.

As Paula said, there is only one way to rectify any addiction

which is to ultimately,

give up the thing that you're addicted to for a bit of time.

Go through a period of abstinence.

So I'm going to become celibate, which is terrifying.

I'm going to have a hell of a lot of free time on my hands, I guess.

But I've had an idea to keep me busy.

I'll deal with this situation the best way I know how...

through comedy.

I'm going to put on a stand-up gig based on everything I'm learning,

for friends, family and ex-lovers.

Swift journey, little envelopes.

Ultimately, I think the gig's going to be quite cathartic.

It'll be an important way to assess everything that I'm learning

as I go on this journey and...

it'll be a nice way to kind of conclude the healing process.

So back to the list,

what is being with a certified sex addict really like?

'Having random sex in bathrooms and you know...'

'We slept with each other and then we had a massive fight.'

I don't want to say that you're selfish, but I think you are.

The list is...because I want to remember each of those experiences.

'After one day you were like, "Yeah, I've got shit to do, bye." '

It's so funny, I've talked to you and another girl

who I didn't even realise the extent to which I've hurt people.

I'm not out there hurting people any more.

I'm at home being a good boy!

It's proving to be quite difficult.

All these ex-lovers have been hittin' me -

"Hey, my God, how you been, what's going on? Let's meet up."

I've had to just say no, saying, "I can't do it."

I'd like to fucking have a real relationship for once.

But right now my penis... underneath there, is like,

"Let me out, let me at 'em! I've got so much to give the world."

You haven't, you stop it. "Shut up!" No, you shut up.

Base is how I'm feeling.

-PHONE RINGTONE

-Ch-ching!

"Hey! It's another girl, it's late at night."

Who's texting me at this time? Got to be a girl.

"Hey, you should come out and have a drink with me,

"and then, oh, a drink,

"or do you mean come back to my house and have sexy times?"

Yeah, it's from a girl. (Fuckin' hell!)

I'm going to go and sit in a cold bath of ice.

I don't think celibacy would be that hard,

if it was just a case of giving up sex and walking away from it all,

but when you've got the ex-lovers of yours sending you text messages,

suggestive comments on Facebook,

sending you photos of their naked breasts on a daily basis...

It's like a drug addict getting calls from his dealer just going,

"Hello, Barry, I've missed you.

"I've got some good stuff for ya, can I pop round?"

What do you do?

Thankfully, there is one woman I'm allowed to visit...

my mum.

-Hello.

-Oh, hi, darling!

I grew up here in Harrow, on the outskirts of London

with my sister and my parents,

who have recently divorced after 35 years.

Yeah, I'm all right thank you, I'm good.

So what is this for?

Jeff working out whether he can have a relationship.

-And can he?

-SHE LAUGHS

What do you think?

It's difficult, I mean, I wouldn't revisit...another...

-Ex-lovers.

-No, no I would not...

But you're not a whore like me, you've only had about two.

I beg your pardon, that's not quite so.

I didn't have any after Daddy, that's another thing.

Because I don't work like that.

When I'm in a relationship, I'm in a relationship and I said "Yes," so...

Is it going to change you?

Well, it has already, yeah, I think I'm learning something.

The lady's made a really nice point

because I told her about when you and Dad used to argue and stuff

and you know I got lost in my Terry Pratchett books?

I would religiously read them every single night

and then I'd have to read one after the other, after the other

and she said, "Well, you were doing the same thing then.

"That was an addictive..."

Going into your fantasy?

Yeah, exactly, or ignoring the real world,

ignoring you two shouting at each other by reading a book

but I had to read every single one of those books in a big long...

It's interesting. Did we shout a lot? We must have?

-Every single night from the ages...

-Really?

-Yeah.

Wow! That's a dark, dark drawing, isn't it?

I remember that, I did that for you and Dad.

Is that me above you with those nasty eyes?

That's you and Dad, yeah.

That picture sums up...

..how I felt quite a lot, when I was younger...

I tell you what will be nice

and that is, you know, your bust in the lounge.

She completely ignores the real issues at hand.

Throughout my life that's the reality.

"Go and look at the nice one of you with your curtains."

Look at this, this was a cry for help!

You know what that was?

That picture, it's frustration, I know that feeling,

I can look at that picture and I can immediately identify that feeling.

Immediately, I can indentify that feeling

because I felt it so many years of that feeling of just being like...

HE BREATHES IN DEEPLY

I always felt loved by my family,

but I have many childhood memories of hiding away in my bedroom

to escape my parents' rows.

Paula, my therapist, has sent me a letter

and asked me to read it in my old bedroom.

It's long.

"Dear Jeff, as I made my journey home

"I noticed whilst there was a smile on my face as I thought about you,

"there was a really deep sense of sadness in my heart..."

OK.

"I had witnessed and enjoyed a wonderful performance

"but had I really met and seen Jeff Leach?

"As I reflected on our conversation there was one image

"that kept haunting me -

"the eight-year-old Jeff

"who was one minute riding aloft his father's shoulders with his mum at his side

"and the rest, was sat alone reading Terry Pratchett

"to drown out the screaming rows.

"I'm sure any boy of that age would have felt frightened, confused,

"sad and very alone.

"I suspect at the route of your addiction is that little boy

"who's still not had a chance to have his feelings and needs heard.

"You will continue to drown out your fears

"with alcohol, drugs or sex until you face them."

So there's pretty much, an eight-year-old me,

with a really cheesy smile.

Stressed, that's what I think that kid feels.

They would scream at each other for what seemed like hours.

What actually upsets and frustrates me about my situation now

is not that I have issues, cos I've always been aware of that.

It's not that I have things that hark back to my childhood

cos I've been aware of that.

It's that despite I know all that, I still allow myself to do things

that...don't help the problem.

# I love you too much, I love you too much... #

So the further I'm coming along on this journey,

the more that this live stand-up gig is terrifying me

and I feel like I'm not even sure if I can do it.

You know, I've got to take a process that has been very personal,

very emotionally laden,

is mixed up with so much responsibility to the women from my life,

let alone my own responsibility to myself

to do this in an honest fashion

and then, I've got to make all of this

heavily, emotionally laden, serious stuff

into something funny that people can ridicule.

Next, is a girl who held a very special place in my heart.

Susie, number 180.

I just got to a point, I think,

where I realised that there was a few negative ways

that I was living my life...

Really? No way(!)

-You're not even remotely surprised about that?

-No.

-I'm celibate at the moment.

-That's a good thing.

Why d'you think that's a good thing, me being celibate?

Because you might learn something. SHE LAUGHS

What, how to be immensely frustrated on a daily basis?

I want to have sex with everyone in here,

and it's only old ladies and dogs in this park.

Back then you probably would have done that anyway.

Whoa, chill out! Are you an old lady, are you a dog? No!

I remember once, I did a show

at some club, I don't know what it was

and I was sat in the dressing room and there was other performers there

and I was talking about you and one of the girls went,

"Oh, Susie's going out with Jeff"

and one of these girls...she was a performer, I didn't know her

and she went, "You're going out with Jeff?

"Don't you mean you're just sleeping with him like everybody else?

I was like, "Oh, don't I feel good. Awesome(!)"

You called me your girlfriend to everyone that you introduced me to

then the next day you were like, "No, I didn't say that, didn't say that."

I was like, "Oh, OK, cool(!)"

I remember that. That's awful.

I remember thinking, "Oh, my God!"

-This might happen this year?

-Yeah, "OK, here we go."

And the next day you're just like, "I didn't say that."

"No, I didn't say you were my girlfriend

"and if I did I was just drunk or whatever."

I remember that, what a dick.

When you were being Jeff,

when you were being the Jeff that I knew and you were not on anything

and you were just being normal, it was perfect.

Like, you treated me so well and I couldn't have been happier

but then I knew in the middle of week it would all be nice

and then I knew when it got to the weekend

it was just all going to go to shit again

and I don't know why I stuck around for so long

cos it was over a year!

Maybe because you saw glimpses of the...

I'd see these glimpses and I thought, "He's going to realise soon."

There was three Jeff's when I was with you.

There was Jeff that used to go out,

drink and party for three days straight.

Never sleep, look like shit.

Then there's work Jeff and then there was my Jeff.

-Who you saw a tiny bit?

-Yeah.

That's the guy I'm trying to bring more into...

I've got rid of the first Jeff, the drink and drugs Jeff.

Good cos he was a dickhead!!

I won't disagree with you.

It wasn't a lie when I said to you that I felt that way about you.

-But you were sleeping with other people at the same time!

-Yeah. Yeah, I was.

And I've continued to do that

in lots of other relationships like that.

Imagine if I had committed to you

and made you my girlfriend exclusive and that was that,

you would of, at any point, had the power to ruin me.

D'you know what I mean...?

But I wouldn't have, though.

I just wished you'd known at the time

how much I really did love you

and how much I really wanted to be, you know,

be your boyfriend and be a good guy.

I was just terrified.

HE SIGHS

-I'm sorry.

-It's all right, I'm over it.

It was like an arrow being shot into me, know what I mean?

"Jeff, you were never there when I needed you."

BOOF!

Ahh...that hurt, that hurt.

"Yeah, that hurt?

"It hurt being told that you loved me when you were drunk

"and then in the morning when you were sober denying it."

-BOOF!

-Aah! Did I really do that?

"Yes, you did that! You know, it hurt when I needed you

"and you were off having sex with 20 other girls."

LAUGHTER

Not all the girls on the list were so keen on a face-to-face meeting,

So I asked them if they'd write and answer a few of my questions.

She says, "I never felt it was going to be a long-term thing.

"I think you felt the same.

"It was doomed." That's quite theatrical!

"I think you just froze me out, gradually.

I said, "What were you looking for that I didn't give you or we didn't have?"

She says, "A bit more stability."

This is what I do, I get close to someone,

very intense and close to them for a very short period of time,

then I get scared probably, of the reality

that this might become a relationship

and all the intensity will dwindle

and I might - God forbid - run risk the of being in a happy, committed relationship

and then I... start to push women out.

"You always want something different, something more.

"You're never that satisfied, the hole is never filled.

"It gets bigger and you try and consume it with more partners."

I asked her, "What did you learn from our time together?"

"I learnt how to become submissive, I learnt how to lie to myself."

She felt like she had to play a slightly muted role

or a slightly muted version of herself

because of my all-encompassing,

egotistical, self-absorbed character.

But I find it... I remember our relationship very differently.

I find it very hard to accept that I dictated everything.

"A healthy relationship requires trust more than anything

"and I never had that with you."

It's unappealing, unattractive.

That's the reality, it's an unattractive quality to be a slag.

Whether you're male or female, or old or young, or you know...

And then she met someone else.

The story of my life -

girls that I like meet someone else and they commit to them

because they find a guy who actually will step up and commit

rather than just offer fun times.

It gets boring, doesn't it?

Basically, what I'm learning from these women

is that the lifestyle that I've been leading has a limited shelf life.

As much as I can get bored and keep going,

and shagging different woman... they get bored of me

because they think, "He's capable of something more,

"He's capable of something more...

"Oh, hang on a sec, he's never going to reach that point."

It's hurtful.

I don't want them to think, "He's just a slag.

"He's a slag who's incapable of loving or caring."

I want them to think, "Yeah, he's a sexual entity but...

"..his adventurous nature doesn't come in the way of him being a descent bloke

"who's capable of loving and being loved."

This process is proving to be a lot more difficult

than I thought it would be

and all the problems that I was horrendously aware that I've had for...

..for 20 odd years...

..are being dragged to the surface.

Talking to my mum...

..and going back to my house to a place where I'm really not happy...

..and then ultimately, talking to all these ex-girlfriends

and having...

..just having like, my feelings...

..thrashed about.

I know it's a good process to bring those out so you can deal with them

but at the same point it's tiring, you know.

I'm tired and frankly I want it to be over.

Delving into my past and inviting criticism was never going to be easy.

But I need to look forward,

I need to take this seriously and change something.

I'm going to Blackpool to meet with a sex addiction recovery group.

I have got a bit of a problem, and a bit of an illness really.

It's a disease of the mind, isn't it?

That's kind of... the long and the short of addiction, so...

It'll be quite a relief to talk to other people

who suffer the same kind of problems.

OK, thanks for everybody being here tonight.

We've got with us Jeff and he's here to try and understand how group therapy can help him.

-I'm Jeff...

-And I'm an addict.

..well, yeah, I'm an addict.

I'm an insecure, issue-riddled individual.

I'm Ryan, sex addict.

I'd go in my mum's handbag, pinching money for my addiction.

So you'd need money, which would be a two-pronged attack,

wouldn't it with sex and drink?

The alcohol would lead onto the sex

or the cocaine would lead onto the sex, so yeah.

I lost my family, my job... everything.

I remember waking up in the hospital, I'd overdosed

and I remember having a go at the doctors for reviving me.

My parents split up, around 13

and that's when I started getting involved with sex addictions

and everything to do with that.

How many lovers do you claim to have had?

500 to 700 roughly, between that area.

When you say, "Like, 600,"

I'm like, "Fuck! Why haven't I had sex with 600 women?!"

Then I start... It's pathetic, isn't it?

It's pathetic, a childish thing to be like,

"Oh, I want to have sex with more."

What do you take away from the group apart from obviously, there's that sort of mentality?

How's it sort of changed how you...?

You're getting their feedback on how they recover,

then you can put that into your recovery

and you can tell them how I recover to them.

The power of talk, it's worked for me.

That's another thing, do you...?

I never talk to any of my mates about anything that makes me...

I think I'm quite a depressed individual to be honest

and I never talk about it cos I'm always seen as that fun-time guy.

I feel like it'd be a burden if I talk to my mates about it...

When it first happened, I didn't speak to anyone about it.

I usually just kept my happy side out and hid my unhappy side,

make everyone else happy, not myself.

Can you talk to other people outside of the group then?

Do you talk to some of your mates now about...?

Yeah, now I've come into recovery

I've got the courage to tell people like...what I've got

-and got the bollocks to say what needs to be done.

-Yeah.

It's a big help, It's not always easy but...

1,000 mile journey starts with the first step and that's having, as you say, the bollocks to...

-To not use the bollocks!

-Yeah, I was going to say that.

Yeah, that works, yeah.

I need to lean on friends who are always there for me

as opposed to getting a quick fix from a night of lust.

I'm going to do a bit of personal off-loading,

talk to them about how I'm feeling about things

and hopefully, that might help somewhat.

It's good to get a second opinion, isn't it?

From someone who knows you and cares about you.

That's the next step - start talking to my mates about how I feel.

I'm going to see one of my closest friends,

and importantly, a girl I have not slept with!

Arlene.

-Hey, how you doing?

-Hi, darling, you all right?

I'm good, I like the fur.

I've been given the advice that I don't really talk to my mates

about how I feel about stuff very often.

-Do you talk to anybody?

-No.

"No, I'm a boy!"

A little bit, but I always thought I was capable of a little bit more...depth than that.

I reckon you're more of a boy than you think.

That's the problem,

I don't talk to my friends or my parents about the issues I have,

I never do that, I never open up.

I'm terrified. I want to be that fun guy,

"Guys, what's going on?" "Not much, Jeff. How are you feeling?"

-"Oh, you know...

-HE IMITATES SOBBING

"..great, great!

"I'm having a great time, things are good."

HE IMITATES SOBBING

I've had to face the reality in this programme that I don't like myself. I don't love myself.

Aw!

I don't really love the person that I am.

But you can see that you've got the ability to change yourself.

-Are you starting to see that?

-Yeah, I'd like to think so, yeah.

Otherwise I would have given up on myself,

I'd just go desperately into a pit of debauchery and go,

"Fuck it, I'm stuck anyway."

I do, I honestly think you've, you know, just seeing you,

even though not low but I think you've definitely grown and changed.

You've got so much going for you and I think you just need

to figure a little bit more about what you actually want.

I think as much as you really want

to kind of get to somewhere that you can have that

real, full-on, emotional relationship,

I think actually,

part of you still, is all right about the shagging around bit.

-I'm definitely in that no-man's-land at the moment.

-Yeah.

But the prospect of a committed relationship with one person -

never being able to have sex with these attractive ladies again - terrifies me.

That's a bit frightening.

A bit full-on, it's one extreme to another, isn't it?

Now I'm in this middle place, "What do I do?"

Surely, it will start getting easier.

But I think spending time with friends is probably...

cos at least then you've got people around you

and you can cuddle friends.

It's the day of the gig.

Time for a last minute run-through of my material.

300, the fact that it's 300 has got to be a Spartans related joke.

Allowing my exes, friends and a therapist to pick me apart,

revisiting childhood stress, turning my back on sexual encounters,

reassessing my whole lifestyle

and almost having a breakdown in the process,

wouldn't leave anyone in funniest of moods but the show must go on.

Right, here we go...

Ooh!

Think in like...a couple of hours time, I'll be going,

"Hey, look, I'm a terrible man, I'm going to tell you about that.

"Hey, Mum and Dad! How proud are you?" And that's going to be funny.

(Fuck!) It feels real now.

DRUM BEATS

CROWD CHEERS

It's a full house and time for the moment of truth.

Can I make comedy from misery?

CHEERING

This is why we're here, ladies and gentleman.

I've been going on this journey if you will, to stop being a whore.

LAUGHTER

I'm not quite healed yet, I've still got issues.

Quite clearly you can see, I'm slightly unhinged.

I'll be happy when I can stop doing jokes about my miserable existence.

This process is for two reasons,

one - I just do want to stop being what is ultimately a bell-end, know what I mean?

Living a very vacuous, shallow, lifestyle.

I'm going to continue this, this is me,

this is partly me but there is a vulnerable side I want to show.

Also, I really want to be a father in the future.

All of you are looking at me like, "Please do not let that happen.

"Keep him away from the children, are you mental?!"

What else do I need to be a good father?

Well, I have organised and scheduled

up to 30 different lovers at a time, right?

That's pathetic. However, pretty sure I can handle the school run.

I do, I want to be a father some day.

Not like James Brown kind of father,

that's what I would be if I carried on this lifestyle,

just like 600 feral children, just like running round.

That is why he makes those sounds on stage, he's not singing,

he's just surprised constantly by the new children jumping out of these paternity lawsuits.

"Yeah, I'm going to...

"Ow! More! Whoa, what's that? Damn, look at that!"

So I guess ladies and gents, that's the end of the comedy part of this.

I've gone on a genuine journey to discover the failings in myself,

to discover how I can ultimately try

and make other people happy in the future

and I realise that until I'm happy with myself and I love myself

that's not going to be possible.

So I'm going to walk off this stage and get on with doing that

but I want to say thank you to the ladies who've come tonight,

my family, my friends and ultimately you guys

for allowing me to perform for you this evening and discover this.

Thank you, good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I feel very weird, I feel like that's it.

Well, that is it, I'm like, full of adrenalin.

It was amazing, they were such a lovely audience and...

it was a nice way to lay to rest

what has been a long and quite arduous journey.

Maybe this is the making of him, you know doing this programme

and going back over all these things

and...because it actually pains me when he said he doesn't love himself

because he's very loved by everybody who meets him and so on, so...

He needs to get there.

This is the beginning now of the next part my own personal story,

which is putting into practice

all the things I've learned from these girls

and ultimately, ending up hopefully being...a good bloke.

# Smooth operator

# Smooth operator

# Smooth operator

# Smooth operator

# Smooth operator... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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