Red in Tooth and Claw Behind the Lines

MILITARY DRUMMING

'The tourists have gone.

'It is November, and this island in the Scottish Hebrides is shut,

'except, that is, to a group of men brought here to learn how not to die.

'Phase two of the many phases

'of the making of a Mountain and Arctic Warfare Royal Marine

'is governed by a single word - survival.

'The euphoria of initiation to an elite special forces unit is over.

'Suddenly, the instructors are remote and laconic.

'Illogical requests, staring at a blank wall for hours,

'demand blind obedience and induce a mood of apprehension.

'Their transport roars homewards to the mainland,

'leaving them to learn to live by wits alone.

'But for how long? Ten days, ten weeks? No-one will tell them.

'Appreciation of pastoral beauty is hardly a priority.

'Geese in flight are quantified

'only by the calorific value of their slowest member.

'This brutalising process began

'some days earlier in a Plymouth classroom.'

What we're going to go on to now are the different types of reptiles

and insects that are edible and may save your life

or your companion's life when you're out in a survival situation.

What we have on the reptile side are lizards, snakes, frogs,

that sort of thing.

They are all edible.

What we've got coming up for you now is a worm omelette.

As Europeans, we're not used to eating insects, and people have died

or got very seriously injured or in a bad situation

because they haven't eaten things that have been around them.

'Ophidiophobes and others of sensitive disposition

'are advised to leave the room.

'This is not a pretty sequence.

'The novelists who glamorise undercover fighting

'fail to mention episodes like this.'

Whenever you're eating insects

or are in a situation where you have to eat insects, never eat insects

that are dead or suffering from a disease or ill, obviously.

If they're walking around with crutches on, then don't eat them.

What we have here are worms.

If you haven't got anything to eat with it,

they can just be eaten as they are, raw.

LAUGHTER

And they are highly nutritious. Not much in calories,

but as you'll see, they're not that bad.

If you all pass that round, make sure everyone gets a good taste.

I can't eat another thing.

I'll kick the ass out of it.

Everyone have a good old chomp at them.

If some of you don't like the egg, you can leave it.

It's a bit like eating spaghetti.

'In the Hebrides, they come face-to-face with a chilling reality.

Go round the back of the vehicle.

'It is called the dislocation of expectation,

'a ponderous definition which means precisely that.'

Sit down.

'Observed dispassionately by the resident monarch of the glen,

'they move off for lesson one of their survival course.

'It starts where Baden Powell left off.

'They can't see out. They don't know where they're going.

'They know it will not be comfortable.

'They also know that having chosen to fight behind enemy lines,

'their lives may depend on what they assimilate here.'

Your wire snare.

Mostly, yours will be like that, when you get them out of your pockets.

Smooth it out,

stand on the cord.

Pull it tight on your finger, and just run a little stick up and down.

You want this to run smoothly right around whatever's neck goes in it.

Have a short stick. Just split the end, can you all see that?

Place it...and just flick that in.

Make a nice pear shape.

You don't want it too high,

or you'll push it out of the way that way.

And you don't want it too low, which will just flatten it.

You're not trying to snare them by the leg, you want them by the neck.

Just turn it so it's about there,

about a fist height off the ground.

Now, they duck down there, pull, and you've got them.

A little bit of natural history for you.

Can you see how all the rushes there are blowing with the wind?

Now, the rabbits during the day,

if it's been raining or if it's a sunny day like this, an unusual day,

come out and lie and dry off in the sun.

This is where your big stick comes in handy.

If you keep downwind, because they'll be on the leeward side,

keep downwind, and you'll spot one.

Don't look at 'em. Don't try and stare him out. Just walk up.

Keep walking.

Go at a tangent to them. And when you spot them...

..whack them on the head.

Just follow on behind, lads.

The next thing you're going to come across is probably the ferret.

That is what everyone thinks of when they think of a ferret.

Now, ferrets are descendants of polecats.

So when you cross those two, you get one of them.

Those are the three variations.

They're all ferrets. Who wants to try?

The meat's good. It is quite strong, but it's good.

'Haute cuisine, it conspicuously is not.

'But yes, you can eat ferret.

'Indeed, facing death, it appears you can eat damn nearly anything.'

Not much to get hold of. Then just peel it away.

That's all good to eat.

And there he is.

Take that away, clean him up around the edges.

'The prospective menu does not get better.

'Eventually, they arrive at rats.'

There he is, Rattus Norvegicus.

Our brown rat.

Er...what to say about this fellow?

55% of rats carry leptospirosis.

Ratcatcher's yellows and Weil's Disease are the other names of it.

It's a jaundice-type disease.

So be careful. If you try and catch one alive, don't.

If you've got one in a trap that's still alive,

kill it first before you touch the trap. Be careful about your hands.

Don't fiddle and then put your hands in your mouth.

If you're going to eat them, take the guts out of them and ditch them.

Don't keep the liver. Don't keep any of the innards.

Use the meat, if you want. On my course, I had to. And I'm still here.

Skin it just the same as a rabbit. But don't use the innards.

Anybody want to try?

'No. No-one wants to try.

'But then, no-one yet is actually starving.

'But what, by now, is going through their minds?'

What the hell's going to happen next?

I mean, there's a lad on the course who has been here before,

so he has told them, I suppose, in his words, how it was on his course.

And they will all have an inkling of it.

But until you actually do something like this and you're actually faced

with the prospect of going out there and having to fend for yourself,

not having the comforts we're accustomed to,

then the reality will hit home.

How hard is it?

As hard as you want to make it yourself.

'Shrewdly, one man grabs the carcass of the ferret.

'But uppermost in all their minds

'as they're hustled round the back of a deserted outhouse

'is a deep uneasiness about where this game is going next.'

About turn.

Move up against the wall.

Move till your faces are up against the wall.

Move right up, lads.

Move right up, move right up. Push up.

Right, sit down.

Cross legs.

Minus four.

It's going to be cold this week, and wet.

Stand in front of each other's pile of clothing, facing me.

Take all your clothes off, except your nicks.

In front of you, you will place your shirt, one pair of socks

and a pair of boots.

The remainder of your kit, you will place behind you.

Also, what you want to place in front of you is your survival kit

that you want to take with you.

While you're doing that,

I'll read you the rules and limitations of the exercise.

These instructions will go with you anyway.

The limits of the exercise are as laid down in reference B,

which is a map.

All buildings are strictly out of bounds.

Do not tear up fence posts.

Do not remove polythene sheeting from silo pits.

Do not raid private gardens.

Don't let me catch you talking to the locals

unless someone is dying or in need of an emergency.

If you jeopardise the exercise for me, I will jeopardise you.

You can keep your watches.

'What does happen next spells out how life will be from now on

'in no uncertain manner. Stripped to their Y-fronts,

'their earthly possessions from this moment may comprise

'only what fits into a small tobacco tin.

'One fishing line, fish hooks, matches, one razor-blade,

'one jackknife.

'The search procedure would do justice to the Gestapo,

'but to outwit them if you can

'is seen as initiative and thus fair game.

'The intelligent contraband is a wire saw,

'salt tablets and obviously money.

'They're prepared to keep a billycan to drink from and their own boots,

'but knives, forks and spoons are not allowed.'

Come on, lads, move your fingers.

Put your boots on. Come on, get a move on.

'They're thrown battledress and greatcoats,

'all as supple as asbestos, left over from World War II.

'It's not Trooping The Colour.

'Sleeping bags and ground sheets, any waterproof items are prohibited.'

Pick up your kit, on the back of the wagon. Get out there.

Get out there. You can leave that.

Right, sit down facing the front of the wagon, cross-legged. Don't talk.

Right, knickers off, bend over.

Down.

OK.

It has been known before.

Take the kit. No group is to be within 500 metres of any building.

No contact is to be made with the local population or other groups.

'Smuggling money to buy survival is the obvious temptation.

'But it rarely works.'

Now, look what we've found here. Is this to go to a show tonight?

'A modest banknote is found in the hasp of a jackknife.'

Quick as you can, lads, get your kit together. Good try.

- Where was it? - In the jackknife.

Inside the jackknife? I wonder what else you've got. Look in his boots.

Mr Smith knows all these things, you know.

'Mr Smith has reason to.

'He's an officer,

'was previously with the SBS and has been this way before.'

Check that battle dress Mr Smith's issued with.

'Nothing is overlooked. Even finger dressings are prised open.'

You may as well take the whole thing off. We'll have to dress it now.

Outside, on the back of the wagon.

Just put your kit and go. Go on.

Come on, then, get out there.

'There are just three hours of daylight left

'when they're bundled back into the trucks.

'Six three-man teams are to be jettisoned

'in six different locations on the island, all bleakly inhospitable.'

Get your map out.

On your map is there. OK? That's where you are.

See you on Sunday.

Just before you go, did you manage to get anything through?

Yeah.

What did you get? Tell us.

I've got a wire saw in my boot.

He got the wire saw.

The fiver was just a decoy.

I knew they'd fall for it.

Good luck.

- Thanks. - Thank you very much.

This is in the middle of nowhere.

We've got three lochs...

Whereabouts are you headed for just now?

Right, they dropped us off about midway down this wood.

We're going to cut down along the road and come up to this house

so we know exactly where we are.

Then we want to try and get to the loch.

'They've been given maps of unique obscurity.

'They bear no place names, and such buildings as they show

'are all out of bounds.

'There's a boundary line within which for the next ten days,

'they must live completely off the land.

'The immediate essential is a bivouac,

'reinforced by such priceless jewels

'as a sheet of rusting corrugated iron rescued from a riverbed.

'Scavenging plastic and metal artefacts,

'anything which is wind or waterproof becomes a preoccupation.

'0630, next day. This group have been luckier than some.

'They have a breakfast,

'although admittedly the menu is rather limited.

'Stoat - grilled, baked or fried.'

Chris, your first triumph.

Caught it this morning.

It was dead when we caught it.

Last night, we found a trap when we first got here.

It was just over there. So we took that out and set it.

And it was sprung earlier on when I checked it in the night.

So I reset it again, and this morning we had this fellow, a stoat.

Not a lot of meat on him, though. I'm sure he'll make a stew.

'All over the island, small pockets of Royal Marines are wakening

'to the reality that room-service has been suspended.'

We've got three hours of light,

so we decided we'd find enough material to keep dry for the night.

We've got some plastic sheets and fern to keep ourselves warm.

Then we put out as many snares as we could. We managed seven each,

and this morning we got a rabbit and a hare.

'It would seem that this group are doing rather well,

'but they have unscheduled visitors with more critical ideas.

You haven't considered one iota

of the tactical situation of where you've put this.

Not one iota.

And for yourself, having done the course as I know you've done,

it's not good enough, is it, really?

What we want you to do by the next time we come

is to lift and shift that.

Let's have a bit more tactics considered.

Shelter, tactical situation. Warmth, food, security.

You haven't thought of it. We could see your smoke.

It's dispersing a little bit.

Probably would do even more if it was in the open.

You can find a better position

than just plonking it in the nearest wood, yeah?

OK.

Disappointed?

Well, obviously we got a shelter up and it's raining,

so to move is a bit of a blow.

But such is life. Just have to move. I don't think we appreciated...

OK, I know it's a tactical setting,

but I think we took it for granted

that it was just part of the exercise.

So, it's no problem. We'll just move.

How about you?

Take it as it comes. You've got to expect these sort of things.

You expect these sort of things to happen. So we'll move.

Make the best of it.

'Lieutenant Smith took such umbrage from the reprimand that neither he

'nor his men were seen again until the exercise was over.

'The line between enterprise and mutiny can be thin.

'The hills are alive with prying instructors.

'The spot checks are not for the men's protection,

'they're to keep them apprehensive and on the hop.

'Lieutenant Hutton is proud of his catch.

- I caught a hare, Chris. - Did you?

Yeah.

Where was that?

On a line on that fence.

'But MacLean is a hard man to impress'.

Great. Everybody's got to find somewhere to look.

The first thing they'll search will be metal objects.

But then surely...

I know you've got enough to survive, yeah.

But any way you had it, wouldn't your fire give you away?

Not necessarily.

He's no relation to Katie Boyle.

How's it going?

What have you got there? Trout for breakfast?

We had trout last night.

The next thing you're going to do is after you've found that...

You been making anything?

I made that.

If you get two of those, that's you.

A lot. There is a lot on there. It's a fair size.

That must weigh...

Six or seven pounds.

You get a couple of those, and that will do you.

You'll find that another thing is that the farmers round here

put scraps out for the cows.

They're treated very well. They put their rotting veg and stuff out.

It's not a tip, but go where the cows are,

and as soon as they put it down, you can beat the cattle to it.

'Stealing rotting fodder from innocent cattle may not seem cricket,

'but it's a handy tip.

'It's handy, too, when you stumble across man-made shelter

'from a bygone age, now the temporary residence of Russ Craig.'

Russ, how are you getting on?

Not too bad. Haven't caught anything yet, which is a bit unfortunate.

Got plenty of veg, though.

We're just starting to get a bit fed up with that.

Could do with some meat or fish. The other two lads are out now.

One's gone into the other area you're not supposed to go into.

There's two reservoirs there. We were talking to the lads yesterday

up there, who we're also not supposed to talk to.

They've caught a load of fish, so we've got some lines out

and hopefully bring some fish back.

And Jan's out at the moment putting some more snares out, changing them,

because we've had a lot of the snares down that area.

Not been too successful, so he's moved them to the top, near the road.

Tell me about the bits and pieces you've managed to forage?

Just up there, there's a farm.

Apparently, a couple of days before we came on the island, he moved out.

So they've ditched all their rubbish.

The best thing we've got is this Quality Street tin.

Which turns out to be a cooking pot. You can get loads in there.

Another good thing we found

was a load of old kiddies' clothes and what have you.

Might not look much to you and I, but we've got spare trousers,

a spare jacket. All sorts of bits and pieces.

Looks like rubbish to everybody else, but at night time,

we take our boots off and wrap our feet in it

and use the rest as pillows. Also made a hat out of a bit of it.

Got all sorts here. There's even a bra there.

Socks are another good thing.

I've worn these ones, because mine got wet yesterday.

Paper for lighting fires. It's all good kit.

'Deprivation transforms them into something close to kleptomaniacs,

'even down to accumulating weapons of suspect firepower.'

We've got a gun, but not much ammunition for it, unfortunately.

In here, we've got a load of plastic things, bottles.

We've got plates, if we can catch something decent, to eat it off.

And an electric razor for when we come out of the field.

That's about it. We gave some stuff away yesterday.

We swapped it for some veg.

They took pity on us,

because they've got stacks in their area, apparently.

Unknown to anybody else, we've also got a push-bike. And tonight...

we're going down there.

'Down there is a familiar landmark, Mary Logan's farm.

'There are strict rules against touting aid from local residents.'

- Is that Mary Logan's? - That is Mary Logan's.

I wasn't going to do that anyway. I went on a recce the other day.

All I did was walk straight down the road to within 300 metres.

They've got dogs, so it would be stupid to try anything anyway.

But further down, I don't know, six or seven kilometres away,

there's quite a lot of farmhouses. Might take a look down there.

'The locals, equally, are warned, particularly Mary Logan,

'a lady of kindly disposition.'

Hello, Mary. Long time since I've seen you.

We just came round to let you know again about the lads coming round.

If you do see them, don't give them all your cups of tea

and sandwiches and stuff like that. I've seen the twins down the road.

- Did you? - Mmm.

That's good.

So you've not seen any of the lads?

No, none at all.

HE LAUGHS

- None? - No, none at all.

They've not been in your barn and asked for straw?

No.

If they take anything from you, Mary, would you tell us?

Then the exercise is over, and we'll replace it.

She lost a couple of ducks last time, didn't you?

Two years ago.

What will you tell them?

If any of them should happen to knock on your door

and ask for a cup of tea, what will you tell them?

I'll not give them anything.

Good girl.

We'll be coming round during the week,

and we'll probably pop in and see you.

Yes.

And see the boys. OK?

See you, Mary. Bye-bye, love.

Bye.

Mary Logan's one of the people

that doesn't take a blind bit of notice of what we say.

She treats it very much as if she's an agent of some kind.

And it's a big game for them.

It's a nice, bright aspect from their normal lives,

and they look for it with enthusiasm every year when we come down.

And she doesn't take a blind bit of notice.

She will actually take people in.

She'd keep them in there for the whole time if she could.

But from past experience, it's getting harder for her to do it,

because we're watching closely.

You did the course yourself.

Would you ever dream of going to someone like Mary Logan?

Definitely not. I was approached by Mary on several occasions,

and refused any sandwiches that she offered.

'Day two of the ten day ordeal. Time for the commanding officer

'to arrive with one of those "just what you need" requests.'

I want to see a spoon from each of you the next time I come round.

That's not a metallic spoon. That's a wooden spoon.

Made, designed, fashioned.

He found a set in his pocket.

Found a set in his pocket?

Well, I'd like to see a wooden spoon carved by each of you. One project.

You've got sunken eyes. You look pathetic already. It's only day two.

I do? Oh, right!

Wait till Friday.

We've all made a spoon each, and a fork. Jan's is a good one.

Look at that. Made a proper fork.

That was after the captain came round. We've been here

almost three days and been running around like blue-arsed flies,

searching the area, trying to get food, and all he could go on about

was why we hadn't made a wooden spoon.

I thought it was quite incredible. We're in a survival situation,

and a wooden spoon was all he was interested in.

"Why haven't you got a wooden spoon?" Well, we've got them now.

'A soliloquy on the nature of the spoon.

'Apparel fashioned from a fertiliser bag.

'It's a far cry from the tunes of glory of the Royal Tournament

'or the glittering promises of the recruiting posters.'

If any of these guys are caught in a house on this trip,

what will happen to them?

They'll go back to Plymouth and back to their units.

They know they're not allowed to use houses.

If they're caught, they're caught and that's it. They will go back.

And other infringements of the rules?

If I find them eating cheese sandwiches or packets of cornflakes,

caviar or whatever else,

I will have a suitable punishment for them.

But if I find them in a house, drinking cups of tea

and keeping nice and warm, they will go back.

'There are heavy penalties too for teams fraternising with one another.

'Yet chance meetings on lonely roads do happen'.

Hiya.

You got a hare?

We brought a hare down.

For your emergency rations.

The thing with what you were saying about how easy it is,

we don't want it too hard, or else it'll be no good whatsoever.

All we'll have then is 17 zombies. Anybody can produce that.

The big thing is that they learn things

and learn what it's going to be like,

and just think what it would be like

if they never had all this polythene and corrugated stuff.

Which they will do later on in Norway anyway.

It is a luxury, polythene.

It is. We let them use it,

because if you do scavenge and you're on the trot,

you'll use it. You will, at night, go to people's places.

Without that, you won't survive long at all.

You can imagine how long a person would be able to stay out

on a night here without any of that protection,

even if you had a certain amount of clothes.

A couple of days, and it would be an exposure case,

and then they'd be dead.

'Well, no-one has died yet, but there are seven days to go.

'We shall rejoin them next week in the islands that are not always

'what Mendelssohn and Samuel Johnson cracked them up to be.