Karen Dunbar I Belong to Glasgow

Glasgow - traditionally a city of high-rise flats

and low life expectancy,

that's famous for big yins

and wee wifeys,

where a head-butt's a kiss,

and "piece-makers" are folk that work in Greggs.

This year, with the eyes of the world on the city,

four Glaswegians explore what it means to belong to Glasgow.

My name is Karen Dunbar. I'm a comedian,

and this is the my guide to the city that made me famous...

to the city that made me fat...

the city where I found my voice...

# It took all the strength I had not to fall apart. #

..and the city that continues to puzzle me.

-SHOUTING ON RADIO

-Listen. Listen...

So, allow me to share with you

everything I love and...

some of what nips my heid about my home town.

And the reason that I'm proud to say I belong to Glasgow.

FUNFAIR ORGAN MUSIC

# But when I get a couple of drinks on a Saturday

# Glasgow belongs to me. #

So what does it mean to belong to Glasgow?

Well, firstly, I think we need a 21st-century reboot.

For too long the image of "no mean city"

has been all about the decline of the shipyards

and macho men who are quick with their fists,

and drunken singing,

and...jeelie pieces being lobbed out of windaes!

OK, so the drunk bit rings a bell, but other than that,

I don't really recognise this version of Glasgow.

There's not a lot of shipyards left,

not a lot of macho men, nobody's ever threw a piece at me...

Hey! Cars don't count!

So, let me show you my version of Glasgow.

Once upon a time, in 1971, to be specific,

an event of immense historical significance took place in Glasgow -

I was born.

I was swiftly whisked away to the Ayrshire coast, where I grew up.

But even as a wee lassie,

I dreamt of returning to make my name in the bright lights.

This is my diary frae 1981.

I was ten. And this is what I've written in it. Ahem.

"This is an oath.

"I, Karen D Dunbar,

"swear one day to be on TV."

"It is an ambition..."

"..and I will forfill it.

"F-O-R-F-I-L-L.

"A star is born."

Signed - look, curly-swirly signature, so it's very serious -

"World, look out, here I come."

Throughout my teenage years,

Glasgow was the golden city over the hill.

A Xanadu by the Clyde.

It had cool shops selling stonewashed 501s.

It had Jim Kerr, who I thought was magic.

And by the time I turned 19,

it was the European City of Culture!

I'd love to say the reason I left my hometown of Ayr

and came to Glasgow

was to experience the Burrell Collection,

or sample the fine cuisine of Glasgow's merchant city, but...

No. It was a lassie.

Night out in Glasgow. Met a bird.

Jumped in a taxi. Never went hame.

And such saucy shenanigans

brings me to the first under-celebrated aspect of Glasgow

that I'd like to share with yous all.

It's estimated that 6% of Glaswegians are gay.

Glas-gays!

One of the reasons I came to Glasgow 22 years ago

was to escape the kind of prejudice

that was sadly all too common in small-town Scotland.

I'd experienced quite a bit of homophobia in Ayr.

The worst thing that happened was...

somebody took my cat, drowned it,

and left it in a bag in my garden

with a note saying, "You fucking lesbian." And that was...

That was really hard... Really hard to...

I don't know if I ever really got over that.

'The Glasgow that I arrived in had its share of intolerance too,

'but it was a big enough city to have a warm, welcoming gay scene

'and like so many people from small towns,

'the reason I came to the city was so I could be true to myself.'

I know when people come to Glasgow for a gay night out

they say Glasgow does it better.

'I've come to speak to a new generation of young gay people

'to see if they're glad to be Glasgow.'

Glasgow's probably one of the safest places to come out, I would say.

I always think of Glasgow as being...

It's like a city but it's got a small-town mentality sometimes.

I'll often get, "Is that a boy or a lassie?"

"All right, hen, are you a lesbian?" across the street.

It's like a Glaswegian way of saying, "Listen, I know,

"and that's all right, but I cannae tell you that's all right

"in case my pals think I'm weird, so...

"just to let you know I know."

In a pub in Glesgae and this guy says,

"I would never go with a tranny. It's disgusting."

After a few drinks, it's, "C'mon home wi' me, hen!"

Banter, what Glaswegians do,

we like a bit of fun, a bit of banter,

or a wee fight at the end of the night for some of us,

know what I mean? LAUGHTER

What advice would you give to anybody gay coming to Glasgow?

Be proud of who you are, and just enjoy yourself while you're here

cos there's a lot of things you can do.

-If Cher is on the jukebox, you do not touch it.

-Right.

-They will cut you.

-Respect Cher.

# If I could turn back time... #

Love it!

It reminds me of how excited I was in 1991

when I first encountered my ain queer folk of Glasgow.

Then, as now, it's after dark

that the city's most exotic

and, frankly, fabulous come out to play.

There's an underground scene.

I think there's more kind of a camp gay scene than people realise.

Yeah, people don't realise how big the gay scene is.

# Sweet dreams are made of this

# Who am I... #

In Glasgow, it's quite open-minded.

Where I'm from, it's not very,

so that's why mainly I came into town,

to develop and just discover who I was, really.

The idea of Glasgow as a sort of macho city

tends to lend it to this idea

of you assuming it will be more homophobic than it actually is.

# I wish I knew you before... #

'Today's scene has its own stars.'

CHEERING

-Hi.

-Hi, hen.

'Gallus, gorgeous ladies

'like the exquisite Bee Fiarse Beaujambes.'

So, Bee, do you think Glasgow still has a macho culture?

I think it's a harshness.

I wouldn't say so much macho, I think it's just a harshness.

It's usually just something like,

"Show us your baws," or something like that.

Baws - testicles.

There's definitely an attitude shift.

I don't think it's quite as aggressive

and quite as out there as it used to be.

I think there's definitely a slow change.

I'm not from Glasgow originally, but this is my home.

# Had a lot of time Had a lot of time... #

And what Bee brings to her act

is as Glaswegian as Sauchiehall Street on a Saturday night.

Do you feel like you're almost portraying

a stereotypical Glasgow woman?

Hmm... There's an element to that in it, aye,

in terms of brazen and cheap and...

THEY LAUGH

But it is less of the old drag queen,

Hollywood-type untouchable glamour thing, and more down to earth.

Aye, the women in my life and the women that raised me

were glamorous, were fashionable,

and they were real women, they were working class,

there were no airs and graces.

'So my drag is a dedication to women.'

# Oh, baby, please... #

'Just like the young gay people of today,

'I found in Glasgow a place that accepted me for who I was.'

And I was beginning to feel that this was a city

that I could belong to.

MUSIC: "A Little Respect" by Erasure

But I still had stars in my eyes,

and I needed that elusive big showbiz break.

So I stepped into the spotlight for the first time

as a karaoke host in a bar called...

Bonkers!

The clue's in the name.

This was my first terrifying encounter

with the bevvied-up Glasgow public.

Imagine how I felt

when a huge mental guy fae Yoker demanded Gloria Gaynor.

MUSIC: "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor

# At first I was afraid I was petrified

# Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side

# But then I spent so many nights

# Thinking how you did me wrong

# And I grew strong

# And I learnt how to get along And so you're back... #

'If there's two things Glaswegians love,

'it's a sing-song and a swally.'

'And the '90s karaoke craze was a big deal here.'

# Go on now, go! Go! Go!

# Walk out the door

# Just turn around now... #

Did you see what I did there? I turned.

'Being on stage at Bonkers may have been the very bottom rung

'of the Glasgow showbiz ladder,

'but at least I had an audience.

'I was having the time of my life,

'but there was a downside.'

# Yummy, yummy, yummy I've got love in my tummy

# And I feel like loving you! #

Aye, it wasn't the healthiest of lifestyles.

At 3am every night,

I'd go stoatin' fae the pub

to the nearest kebab shop.

I came to Glasgow to make it big.

And Glasgow's notorious diet was making me -

aye, that's me -

very big, very quickly.

At 16 stone, I turned into what you could kindly call a big lassie.

More! Keep carving.

More, more. Aye.

And it's not just me. Glasgow...

we need to talk.

Two-thirds of the city is overweight.

Two...thirds!

And about a quarter of Glaswegians

are clinically obese.

And the worrying thing is...

it's like we're proud of our dodgy diet.

Ha-hey! Pure mad mental Glasgae!

Eating pies and pizzas

and fish suppers and swallying doon Red Kola,

it's funny, ain't it?

Funny?

It's not funny, is it?

'Something's got to give!'

Would you like a wee stalk of free broccoli? It's for nothing.

'Our health record is worse than comparable cities

'like Manchester or Liverpool.'

Broccoli!

'It's what health professionals call - ahem - The Glasgow Effect.'

Broccoli! Broccoli for the people!

Guys, a wee bit of broccoli. Help you through the day.

You can plant it.

Broccoli! Anybody?

It's free!

'But typically, Glasgow folk don't appreciate

'anyone telling them to eat their greens.'

Hello, would you like some free broccoli? It's just free.

Free broccoli. It's for nothing.

'And let's face it, it is difficult

'to resist the lure of the deep-fat fryer.'

Excuse me, excuse me. Can I have some chips, please?

And cheese, curry sauce.

Have you got any rolls? A choc ice...

'But not everyone gives in so easily.'

Hello there!

-Hiya.

-How you doing, Anne-Marie? Nice to meet you.

-You too.

'I've come to the north of the city,

'where locals are taking matters into their own hands.'

Right, where's the kettle? Where's the coffee?

North Glasgow is one of the poorest parts of the UK.

And Milton is one of the poorest parts of north Glasgow.

There's not much organic asparagus or ripe papaya in the shops here.

So the locals decided that the best way to get their five a day

was to grow it themselves.

It used to be it was just all tenement buildings here,

it was a total mess.

And we came in and we dug it all out

and grew they boxes up fae scratch.

And what is the purpose of this place, Anne-Marie?

To teach young people and kids and adults about fruit and veg

and it's healthier. Even like myself,

I wasnae like, fruit and veg and stuff like that

but then I got to know about the garden and I done volunteering

and that's when I started eating a lot of fruit and veg.

-Get a wee shoogle!

-Shoogling!

'Green-fingered or not, everybody mucks in here.'

There's actual effort involved in this, isn't there?

-You'd better believe it.

-Oh, look at that.

That's a cracker.

Milton Gold!

Aye, that's a big one.

Plenty of leeks. Any more leeks, I'll need a plumber!

LAUGHTER

-Right, in here?

-Yeah.

-Lovely.

-Hello, everybody!

-Hello.

'There's something deeply satisfying

'about pulling fresh veg from fertile Glasgow soil,

'then bringing it straight into the kitchen.'

Onion!

Cut the leek like that. Cut the leek like this.

Especially when they've come out the garden, they're all earthy.

It's funny, see in the couple of hours I've been here,

I can see that this is much more than just feeding the community.

It's about being part of the community,

everybody getting together and doing stuff.

'But Milton's hungry weans don't really care

'whether their food's home-grown - they just want some tasty scran.'

BANGING GETS FASTER

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Ladies and gentlemen...

the dinner! Wahey!

APPLAUSE

Thanks, Debbie. Soup!

'Home-made leek and potato soup

'is the kind of healthy fodder

'generations of Glaswegians have been brought up on,

'but in the fast-food era,

'it's almost like some of these basics have been forgotten.'

And to just let you all know

that I actually hand-picked those leeks myself.

I did. I dug up the tatties

and I went to the Clyde

and got the water for the soup as well.

'Ach, Glasgow! Milton home-made soup beats a deep-fried pizza any day.'

Is that all of it?

So there's a couple of dozen of us here the day,

all sitting as part of the community -

grown the food, picked the food,

washed it and brought it in,

cooked it all, and all eating it together.

I feel like I've been a part of that the day.

Me and Liz, we were the chefs and we've cooked everything.

No salt, nothing deep-fried,

everything all oven-cooked or boiled.

It's all healthy, and it must be delicious, cos everybody's eating it.

'And what's the point of a big sit-down meal without a speech?'

Everybody, thank you very much for inviting me along here the day.

We know that Glasgow gets a lot of bad press for its diet.

Everybody thinks it's all fish suppers and Irn Bru.

Well, I'm saying let them come to Milton!

CHEERING

'A community nurturing their home-grown food

'and their home-grown food nurturing their community -

'it's soup from a Glaswegian's soul!'

And in my own life as a 25-year-old who was 16 stone,

I realised that something really had to change.

Somebody said you can sum up every diet book in four words -

eat less, move more.

So that's what I did.

Started eating carefully, doing a bit more exercise,

and you know what? It actually works.

In 1996, I lost five stone.

As a result, I felt more confident about myself

and all I needed was a big break.

And in 1998, I walked away from the karaoke

and into the spotlight.

Not a lot of people know this,

but I'd been living in Glasgow for seven years

when I started playing for Celtic...

Well, I was in a play about Celtic.

And right here, at the Pavilion theatre,

is where I popped my acting cherry.

And I tell you, I was keeching it

to step out in front of a Glasgow audience.

But I did it.

Here is The Celtic Story, and look, look, look!

There's me, at the end. And look,

look at that photie!

'There I was, a pub chanter

'stood alongside Jimmy Logan, Dorothy Paul.

'I had arrived.'

I cannae describe how out of my depth I felt.

It was phenomenal to be in that show.

It might have been a small part, but it was a big hit.

Taxi!

'And that's because everyone in Glasgow is obsessed with football.'

'And it's not just playing it or watching it.'

Driver? Gonnae put the radio on?

RADIO: 'The ball was over the line...'

'It's talking about it - constantly.'

'Was the ball over the line?'

'Well, if its 75% over the line, it's not a goal.'

'But I've a confession to make.'

And, Glasgow, don't disown me.

Don't send me back doon the water, but...

I don't have a scooby about football.

And in Glasgow,

that's a bit like being a vegan at a square-sausage party.

Square-sausage party - you've been to them? Brilliant!

'We deserved to win the game at the end

'because we played for 90 minutes.'

'I just don't get it.'

'Tell him to shut his mouth

'and do his talking on the park!'

Across the city, every evening,

radios are switched to the local radio station, Radio Clyde.

'Cos that guy is a numpty!'

In a city of just over half a million,

200,000 listeners tune in to its football phone-in every week.

'You're living in Cloud Cuckoo Land!'

'And it's on for two hours a day,

'six nights a week.

'So to try to understand the attraction,

'I'm joining host Jim Delahunt, journalist Hugh Keevins,

'and ex-player Gordon Dalziell for their nightly football rammy.'

Welcome back. We've Karen Dunbar. You'll know Karen.

And you're in here to find out exactly what, Karen?

Hello. Yes, I am.

Hello, everybody listening.

I know nothing. I'm here to be educated tonight,

-so I've got important questions.

-Right.

Do you need to know about football to be a Glaswegian?

Do you feel that if you come to Glasgow

and you don't know about football you should learn?

There was never a Glaswegian born

who didn't think he wasn't a football expert.

And if one doesn't know - what?

You're an outcast. You are filed under "weirdo".

Very busy as ever. Charlie's in Cranhill in Glasgow. Hi, Charlie.

-CALLER:

-'I'd like to say to Karen,

'I know you're sitting next to those two guys.

'You admit you know nothing about football -

'you probably know more than they two, right enough.'

-THEY LAUGH

-Right, Charlie.

I know nothing and I've lived in Glasgow for over 20 years.

'That is definitely weird.

'Right, it's Gordon I want to speak to.'

On you go then, Charlie.

Gordon, there's Charlie on the phone for you.

THEY LAUGH Go on, Charlie.

'How you doing? Right, I want to have issue with you...'

Come on, then.

MUSIC: "Chelsea Dagger" by The Fratellis

'So, just like that, I was dinghyed.'

We can look at it from two different...

'I sat listening to 20 minutes

'about the some daft football story of the day...'

And this goes beyond next season ticket sales...

'And although I was trying to keep up,

'I admit I was completely lost.'

There's a difference of "out of the loop" and "for a loan."

'I'm agreeing with you totally.'

Way beyond...

'Everyone's raging about everybody else.

'Hugh seems like a nice wee man to me,

'but lots of the callers just phoned in to gie him pelters.'

You have the chicken-and-egg situation, Frank.

'And nobody ever wins an argument.'

'I think you're talking absolute nonsense.'

Frank, thanks very much for your call tonight.

-Karen, you're still with us.

-Hi.

-You've just been listening.

-Is it making any sense to you?

-I can hear the passion.

-Yes.

I can hear the arguments.

That's about it. I still really don't know what's happening.

What makes it such a big deal?

Glasgow's the most argumentative city in the world.

They have an opinion and you will listen to it.

I once had a man who gave me a real hard time,

and I went back up to the house after the programme

and my wife said, "How was the show?"

And I said, "Oh, apart from one guy it was fine.

"This guy gave me a terrible time."

She said, "Oh, I know." I said, "How do you know?"

She said, "Because he was using our phone." And I said, "What?"

She said, "Remember the guy who came to plumb in the washing machine?

"It got to five o'clock and he said,

"'Mrs Keevins, would you mind if I used your phone?'

"Then he phoned you and gave you a hard time."

-And I paid for the call!

-THEY LAUGH

That's what your wife telt you happened. OK!

LAUGHTER

'After two hours of football fighting talk,

'the headphones came off and the truth came out.'

Guys, is there an element of therapy in this football phone in?

There are some who are genuinely moved by it all,

who are so emotionally involved

that it truly affects...

their everyday life.

They cannot get to sleep...

The amount of people that I meet in the street

that tell me they listen every single night.

So do you think maybe, at its core,

it's a way for Glasgow men to communicate

and be part of a community with each other?

-And connect?

-It's easier for men to be emotional about football

than it is to be everyday emotional

with their families.

They care passionately about what's going on.

-CALLER:

-'Listen, please listen, right?

'Cos I hate the way yous all chuckle when it's a certain...'

It's meant to be entertainment.

'Yous all chuckle, Gordon chuckles...'

-I'm just a chuckly guy.

-ALL LAUGH

MUSIC: "Best of Friends" by Palma Violets

Glasgow has always been a city that's full of big characters

who'll speak their mind to anyone listening.

INDISTINCT SPEECH

But for all their bluster, people here can laugh at themselves.

So when I landed my first TV audition,

I knew that I wouldn't have to look very far for inspiration.

What I did was I dressed up as a wee Glasgow wifey.

And when they shouted, "Karen Dunbar!"

I says, "No, my name's Agnes, OK, pal?"

Because, in my experience,

some of the funniest, most surreal stars of Glasgow life

are the wee wifeys.

MUSIC: "Bingo Bella" by Matt McGinn

In the imagination,

Glasgow is always about violent, angry young men but, in reality,

the backbone of Glasgow is older, working-class women.

CHATTER

Places like this - the bingo in Maryhill -

are full of strong, amazing and inspiring Glasgow women.

Your man comes in, if his dinner's no' on the table - tough.

SHE LAUGHS It's in the dug!

Some of the old wife's tales are good.

That's true. That's true.

Many a mickle makes a muckle.

BOTH LAUGH

Never perm and streak in the same week.

BOTH LAUGH

What do you think older women bring to the city?

I don't really know. I mean, what do they bring to the city?

-Sandwiches.

-Sandwiches!

SHE LAUGHS

I've spent years watching the way folk act in this city,

so when Chewing The Fat came along

and they wanted someone with a funny face

and the ability to play Glasgow wifeys,

well, I felt I'd had the finest training a comedy actor could get.

Rose was never one for wearing knickers.

Well, everybody knew I just wore mine to keep my ankles warm.

LAUGHTER

Glasgow had finally helped me "for-fill" the dreams of TV stardom

I wrote about all those years ago as a wee girl.

Ever since I stepped off the train at Glasgow Central

and my first days in the karaoke bar in Bonkers,

I've loved Glasgow, and I love making Glaswegians sing.

My life in dear old Glasgow toon

began with bevvied-up karaoke sing-alongs.

In the 21 years since,

I've discovered that the city IS it's people.

And Glasgow's people have shown me how to be gallus and gay,

that having a carry-on can turn into a career,

and that a wee bit of kindness can go a long way in a poor city.

And that is why this damp wee corner of the world

is where I belong.

And I think that the most famous song that's been written

about this brilliant city

is in serious need of a revival.

So, by way of a huge warm hug to Glasgow,

let me clear my throat...

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS

That's nice.

# I belong to Glasgow

# Dear old Glasgow toon

# There's something the matter wi' Glasgow

# For it's goin' 'roon and 'roon

# I'm only a common old working chap

# As anyone here can see

# But when I get a couple of drinks on a Saturday

# Glasgow belong to me... #

Everybody!

# I belong to Glasgow

# Dear old Glasgow toon

# There's something the matter wi' Glasgow

# For it's goin' 'roon and 'roon

# I'm only a common old working chap

# As anyone here can see

# But when I get a couple of drinks on a Saturday

-# Glasgow belongs to me... #

-Everybody sing!

# I belong to Glasgow... #

Jimmy!

# Dear old Glasgow toon

# There's something the matter with Glasgow

# For it's goin' 'roon and 'roon

# I'm only a common old working chap

# As anyone here can see

# But when I get a couple of drinks on a Saturday

# Glasgow belongs to me... #

One more time!

# When I get a couple of drinks on a Saturday

# Glasgow belongs

# To me. #

-Whey-hey!

-APPLAUSE