The Maroon Machine The Paras

'The recruits of 408 Platoon

'were well into their third week of training

'before they had their first night out...in the open.

'Already, the original 41 were reduced to 35.

'One had never arrived, being in jail.

'Five others had either been withdrawn as unsuitable,

'or become too badly injured to continue.

'The rest, if they survived the coming week,

'would at least put on a red beret, becoming, some only briefly,

'small cogs in what the regiment itself likes to call

'the Maroon Machine.'

Three, two, one, go!

Mind those wheels!

'For all the world, like Red Coats of another age struggling with cannon,

'the platoon's five sections compete against the clock,

'each other and the waywardness of a rusted fire hydrant.'

Come on. Pull it! Slow it down!

'The object, not just to test and develop physical stamina,

'but to seek out those willing to channel aggressive competitiveness

'into teamwork, and to expose the less well motivated -

'those who can only hang on rather than hang in.'

Come on. One!

Are you fucking deaf?

'The staff are already learning which among the recruits

'are the weaker brethren and the recruits are learning

'which amongst the staff are ready to beat the lessons in to them.'

Come on! You're slowing down! Get a move on.

Get a move on. Come on! Move it now.

Come on!

Keep going! Keep going!

9.38.

OK. That makes you second position.

A good effort.

Next time we do it, if we do it again, I want to see much better.

Away you go. Have a wash.

'This week is physically and mentally testing.

'It ends back in Aldershot with examination

'in drill and regimental history.

'If they pass, they abandon the despised camouflaged caps

'the Paras call crap hats.

'A term also apply to any person not qualified to wear a red beret.

'But first, on Hankley Common, Surrey, and mostly under canvas,

'three days of basic field craft.

'Familiar ground to the half-dozen ex-Territorials in the platoon.'

What I'm going to show you how to do

is put up a poncho, which we call a basher.

Anybody put one up before like this?

Hm. So we've got a few old sweats amongst us, have we?

All right. If you pay attention,

I'll guarantee it'll keep you drier,

all right, and warmer than you normally would be.

Those people who don't pay attention

will find water dribbling on their head in the middle of the night

and a draught blowing up their arse.

Right. All a basher is...

is your poncho, all right?

You've all been issued with one of these.

Clear the area and make sure

there's nothing sticking up that'll give you an uncomfortable night.

And you see now, I'm hooking it around the tree.

I'm not tying it lots of times around the tree like that,

cos that takes time.

All I'm doing, looping it over, all right?

And that is tighting up.

That's OK. It's not too bad, is it? Yeah?

That wants to be slightly higher. Up here.

'This piece of equipment is not yet standard army issue,

'but well worth the cost, on the advice of the corporals,

'of a trip down to the Aldershot bicycle shop,

'and it doesn't overstretch the recruits' £75-a-week pay packet.'

24-hour ration pack.

That's enough to feed you, like it says, for 24 hours, all right?

So don't think it's just a NAAFI break and scoff it straight away

because later on when everybody's cooking, you'll feel hungry.

Right. Inside there you've got some toilet paper.

Some dried milk. Three packets.

'In Surrey or the Falklands, these are the Paras' iron rations.'

You've got biscuits A B, right, which taste like manhole covers.

Two of the biggest tea bags you've ever seen.

Some coffee.

Beef stock drink.

'At this stage, it's all very elementary.

'What the Army rather grandly calls Exercise Steel Eagle,

'the corporals call a boy scout's outing.'

Pierce the top of the tin.

Like that, and just sit it in there.

Wait till it gets hot enough.

Once it's hot enough, you can then eat it

and use your water to make a brew.

In here, we've got, this time steak-and-onion casserole.

As I said, you can eat all of these cold,

but when you get the chance, you should heat them up, OK?

- Looks like Pedigree Chum. What's it taste like?

- Pedigree Chum! - It's OK.

- Probably be going home tomorrow with dysentery!

THEY LAUGH

'A full night's sleep,

'and not just because it's the first week of February,

'is impossible.

'They must go on stag, sentry duty, two hours on, four hours off.'

This is the log fire, all right?

And the track veering in from there.

Behind that, another track. OK.

This track, everything around here, all the way around, 180 degrees,

right to the bottom of that tree.

We're all supposed to be keeping as quiet as we could last night,

but there were lights going, blokes standing up, walking round.

You could hear every noise last night.

I'd been on for about an hour,

and I seen a light come on,

and you could see this kid smoking a cigarette

and he was right on the side of the camp.

And it stood out a mile,

so if there was a sniper about, he'd've shot him easy.

Getting back to he sleeping bags, mine's miles too small.

You got to sleep with your weapon in the sleeping bag with you,

and your combat jacket, to keep everything dry,

and you just can't move and you can't sleep.

And I was freezing as well.

And then I had to come back out on guard duty for a couple of hours,

and it was pretty, you know, cold.

'Phil Tatum. Already, the corporals have marked his card.

'Fit, keen, could be holding something back.

'A bit fly.'

Cos, er, told the corporal about my sleeping bag and he goes,

"Come over here and try mine out," and he had a massive one!

And it came way above my head, it was beautiful.

I says, "Oh, great, cheers, Corporal,"

he goes, "Well, you can get out, you ain't having it!"

Keep looking round.

Don't just look at the ground.

Look up in the trees.

Right, when you...

When you're walking along, just don't hold your rifle any way,

get it in the shoulder.

In the alert position.

Not only blokes walking along you're waiting for,

you're looking for people in trees, booby traps, aircraft, anything.

'One of the Paras' skills is working in small units,

'often behind enemy lines.

'That demands first total understanding

and instant communication in the silent language of patrol.

Second, concealment.

Camouflage - disruptive, patterned material -

is remarkably effective close to.

But at a distance, against a skyline

or a pale and uniform landscape, you can see with a sniper's-eye view

how important it can be for an army to march on its belly.

'The evening of the second day.

'After three weeks,

'basic skills are still not being performed automatically,

'without thought, so thoughtless errors occur.'

Move straight into your pens.

GUNSHOT

What was that?

'That was Andy Cunningham, emerging as the recruit

'for whom everything goes wrong.

'He'd already been carpeted for lack of fitness,

'which makes for fatigue, which makes for mistakes.'

Cunningham, you horrible man!

- Cunningham, what are you doing?

What are you doing, Cunningham?

What did you do?

- Didn't check. - Didn't check inside, did you?

No, Corporal.

Cunningham, you are now placed on report. Right?

'Soon he'd be training with live rounds, a mate could be killed.'

Right, Cunningham, give me the magazine.

Give me your magazine.

When I...

Shut up. Unload that weapon correctly.

Stop!

Stop!

I said unload, did I?

Did I say unload, Cunningham, did you hear me say unload?

Yes, Corporal.

Check inside, Cunningham, have a good look, all right,

there might be something hiding in there.

Now squeeze off the action.

You can do it, can't you? - Yes, Corporal.

Any more incidents like that, Cunningham,

you can say bye-bye to this platoon.

Do you understand me?

Yes, corporal. - Get away, get your scoff.

'But he wasn't alone.'

Did you so handle a self-loading rifle as to cause it to be

discharged without the order to do so being given?

Yes, Sir.

Stand at ease.

Hughes.

Are you 24611617 Private Hughes, JP of the Parachute Regiment?

Yes, Sir.

There's nothing up there, look at me. Look at me. Lower your chin.

Accused with evidence.

Accused with evidence. Quick march.

Right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, mark time.

Stand still.

Left turn.

Private Hughes and Cunningham on report, Sir.

Right, both of you. A very early stage in your training

but you've got enough under your belt now, you've done about six to eight

lessons on the SLR including the load and unload

to know what you're doing with that weapon.

I understand that it was a first training exercise.

I also understand that we're talking about blank ammunition

and not live ammunition.

But you both know, as well as I do, that these

weapons have to be treated with the greatest amount of respect.

You understand that, Hughes, don't you?

Yes, Sir.

And you understand that, Cunningham? - Yes, Sir.

For God's sake, during the rest of your Army career,

take care of these weapons, treat them carefully, treat them properly

and make sure that you never, never again have a negligent discharge.

Do you understand completely what I am talking about, Hughes?

- Yes, Sir. - Cunningham?

Yes, Sir.

Guilty, five days RPs, march out.

Left turn. Quick march.

Left, right, left, right, left, right.

You moron, mark time!

'One of the less predictable features of Exercise Steel Eagle, a cabaret.

'Compulsory.

'For confidence-building.

'All pay lip service at least to the mucky, macho tone

'they seem to expect is expected.'

My name's Paul and I've been feeling happy all day.

My name's Philip and I've been feeling happy all day, too.

My name's Brian and I've been feeling happy all day.

And I'm Alex and I've been feeling happy all day.

All I can do now is give you a ticket

and you go to a selection centre and you will be selected.

Selected? I'll walk over it. I'm hard. My name, hard.

Muscle, look at me. Kill. Swastikas, look. I'm hard.

Hard.

It's my name.

You've got to be really fit to go on this.

Fit? I can run 20 miles on one leg.

'The staff, too, applaud a sense of humour,

'even against themselves, boosts platoon of morale.

'Top of the class, Stephen Birrell.'

I want you to touch that wall,

that wall and that wall and fall into single file.

Go.

Stop.

Aha, I never blew the whistle.

Get back in line.

Right, sit down.

Stand-up.

Too quick, way too quick. Slow it down.

You stay there, you're doing well.

'Exercise Steel Eagle was over.

'Exercise was not.'

Come on, shall we just walk it?

Open your legs!

'Returning to Aldershot, the recruits, for the first time,

'ran into the problem of how to get themselves

'and their kit across country when transport is not provided.

'In the Falklands, the Marines called it yomping.

'The Paras, who call it tabbing,

'don't speak quite the same language as their rivals.'

What do you call this group? The choice is yours.

Do you want to be a wanker or do you want to be a paratrooper?

Let's go!

Well done, Birrell, that's good.

Keep it going, nice and tight, walk on.

Just three more hills to go. Three more hills, come on!

In you come, in you come. Come on. In there. Stand up. Stand up.

Stand there and get your breath back, stand still.

Get your breath back while you've got a chance.

Might just be setting off again in a minute.

Come on, you people!

Come-on, quickly, hurry up.

'This tab was the first real tightening of the screw

'in the six month process of separating the cream

'from the milk and water.'

Cut across, come on, cut across.

OK, well done.

Well done.

What's your problem?

Lost it, Sir.

Get your weapon up, Cunningham. Get your weapon up.

Right, kit-box away.

Bottles away, quickly. Get on the wagon!

It can't be like this all the time.

They've got to give you this for a start.

You've got to get used to taking it.

I mean, when you're on a battlefield you couldn't turn around

and say, well, I'm going to knock off now and go home and have my tea.

'Two weeks later, Alex Peston bought himself out of the army for £75.

'He said he'd joined up to travel, but not like this.'

Argh!

How did you do it in the first place?

On a run. We were doing a four-mile cross country.

- Yes? - I stopped and it was OK.

When we started back

and I put my foot down it just started hurting from there on.

You don't remember treading on a stone or turning your ankle

- or anything? It just started? - No.

The last 100 yards...

'Mark Chard. Not as hard, it seems, as he boasted in the cabaret.

'Constant pressure compounded his injuries

'and two weeks later he, too, dropped out of 480 platoon.'

Right.

Firm crepe bandage on that and an excused boots chit,

we'll review it next Monday.

'Those not excused boots polish them for the big test on the drill square

'they're privileged for the first time to wear the red beret.'

When you put your beret on, put it on with that hole right to

the centre of the back of your head. Right there.

Once that's there,

you can then mark out where your cap badge is going to go.

OK?

So what you do,

the cap badge goes over the corner of your left eye.

So what to do is, you get it there

and you get somebody to mark it for you.

A little bit of chalk or something. Mark it.

Once it's in position, just centralise the green backing

and then put it on your head.

Right.

Good way to put it on, put it on the front.

Drag over the back.

That way any hair you've got at the front is underneath your beret

and it's not hanging down over your eyes.

Right. Come here.

When you put it on,

see he's got his cap badge over the corner of his nose?

He wants it over the corner of his left eye.

All right?

'Meanwhile, in more ways than one,

'they brush up a little bit of regimental history.'

Who's the Colonel in Chief?

HRH Prince of Wales.

Who's the Colonel Commandant?

General Sir Anthony Farrar-Hockley.

- MBE. - MBE, ABC, GCE.

MFI.

'Confidently, private O'Hare consigns his crap hat to dusting duties.'

Maybe not have to wear these no more.

'But was he tempting fate?'

Come on. Outside!

'The Paras have a word, Ali,

'it means too cocky.'

Come on. Part and parcel of this is your own personal pride.

You tack them down on the ends like I have there.

Wipe that smile off your face, Cunningham.

When did you press this shirt last?

About 10 minutes ago, Sergeant.

Try switching the iron on. Pull your trousers up, Tatum.

Pull them up. Pull them up. More yet, come on.

Can't pull it any more, Sergeant.

In that case I suggest you move part of your body.

Down in this depot, you don't need it anyway.

Stand easy.

Head, turn!

Shun!

Right dress!

One, two, two-three-eyes, 232.

Eyes front!

Good.

Pass off here, we stay with the red beret.

White name tags off and you stop calling out the time,

three good incentives.

Move to the right, in three.

- Right turn! - One, two, three, one.

By the left, quick march!

Left, right, left, right, left.

'Marching as a platoon, they looked good,

'but as Sergeant Reilly discovered at dress-rehearsal

'the day before, the problem came

'when they marched in individual threes and saluted in unison...

'..or not.'

You thick nit! Oh, you three, listen in, you three!

Hunt, Paulin, stand still! Go in the centre, Hunt.

By the front, quick march!

Left, right, left, right, left right, left, right, left, right,

left, right, left, right, left.

Listen in.

Move to the right.

About turn!

Now, call out the time and do it properly this time.

Come on, Hunt, do it.

Paulin, you wouldn't make a good tailor's dummy!

He's going to have to come off, sir.

'Then came the parade itself.'

- Better, better.

Now try it again, come on.

Good one, now. Don't waste the pace.

Put your neck in the back of the collar and look up.

'Again, as a platoon they marched well under the approving eye

'of the regimental Sergeant Major, one of the inspecting officers.

'Then came marching in individual threes.'

1, 2, 3, 4.

Paulin, you make me despair.

Left, right, left, right, left wheel.

Left wheel, you two flids are going to get it again.

And again, left, right, come on.

You three haven't got an ounce of brain between you.

It's a good job you're almost extinct.

'The senior inspecting officer was the adjutant.'

Private Butler, sir.

Right, Private Butler, you look to be a huge monster.

You're lopsided at the moment and all this chest

that you should be showing off is being pushed forward.

Pull yourself back, shoulders back. Pull them back.

Tuck the arms in there. That's better. Keep his foot back.

That's a lot better. The hair needs a haircut, doesn't it?

- Yes, sir.

- By the end of the week. - Yes, sir.

- Right, as soon as you've finished, when you go off the parade here,

you must ensure that the beret is parallel to the ground.

If it's sloping on the back of the head,

you look one of those other units up the road, all right?

- Yes, sir. - Kept on the front,

showing off that badge proudly all the time.

Right, can you tell me the name of your officer commanding?

- Um... - Private Stoner, sir.

- How many VCs did we win during the last war?

- What, the regiment itself, sir? - Yes.

- Four, sir.

'Wrong. But Sergeant Reilly extends a helping hand.'

- Five, sir. - Right.

Can you name me the commanding officer of the depot?

- The commanding officer is Lieutenant Colonel Boyce MBA, sir.

- Very good, well done.

- What made you join the Parachute Regiment,

as opposed to another Regiment?

- Because I wanted to fly, sir, jump out of the sky.

- You want to fly, jump out of the sky?

Why didn't you become a jet pilot?

- Because I wanted to...

- Hm? Eh?

- I just wanted to jump out of a plane, sir.

- That says you're not intelligent enough to be a jet pilot

but you're daft enough to be a parachutist. That's why, is it?

- Yes, sir.

- What's the colour of the lanyon? - Red, sir.

- Do you know what happened at Bruneval?

- Er, Parachute Regiment got their honours there, sir.

- What for?

- Don't know, sir.

'All Paras must know about Bruneval.

'Date: February 1942.

'Area: Northern France.

'The first British airborne triumph of the war,

'justifying the regiment's formation a year earlier,

'and boosting the country's morale when victories were rare.

' At night, behind enemy lines, a German radar station was captured

'and brought home by 2 Para.

'40 years later, heroes of Goose Green.

- And after the show was over,

a matter of about a couple of hours only,

the return to the beach and the ships.

We suffered only very light casualties

and spirits were high as the men came aboard for the voyage home.

Actual pictures of the homecoming, these.

'Actual figures:

'Two killed, six wounded, six missing, out of the 119 who jumped.

- And here, more of the troops coming away,

not empty-handed either,

for they brought a number of German prisoners.

Certainly must have been an unpleasant surprise

to be grabbed in the middle of the night and carried away captive.

'Almost 40 years later, it was 480 Platoon

'who got the unpleasant surprise.'

- Your confidence on the questioning

and also in your individual threes was not good.

For that reason, you have not passed off the square.

Sergeant Reilly, carry on, please. - Aye, sir.

Turn! Turn! - Turn!

- Fall out!

- 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, 1...

'The staff had never known this happen before.'

- March into the accommodation.

Keep quiet, Paulin!

- Paulin and Burns.

- If he shouts out 'left turn', you don't ... turn right, do you?

I mean, that's pathetic, that is.

- All that training, you know,

and all that marching and we never get anywhere.

You know, it was all for nothing.

- But why did you fail, do you think?

- Er...

I think we panicked a bit. Nerves.

- Come on! I'll check you off outside. Just move out.

'Over what might be described as a long, working weekend,

'480 Platoon were forced to confess visually

'and vocally to the depot at large that they were still crap hats.

'Three days later, they made a second attempt to pass off the square.'

- Eyes front!

Platoon will advance in review order.

By the centre, quick march!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten,

11, 12, 13, 14, one, two.

'On this occasion, Sergeant Reilly was able to approach the adjutant

'with greater confidence.'

- You have passed off the square.

Well done.

Main thing is, as Captain Mainwaring said, don't panic!

And that goes for on the square here, as much as in the sentry box

over there, when these hordes of the TV film crew are here, or when

the general's there, flapping, trying to get past you without his car pass,

or it's a very quiet IRA terrorist

trying to slip a bomb through the door.

That's the time when you as individuals must not panic.

Sergeant Reilly, carry on, please.

- Thank you, sir.

Platoon, shun!

- We did it!

- Whoo!

WHOOPING

- Oh, I'm chuffed, dead chuffed with that.

- So what difference does it make to you, now that you've passed?

- Just...being able to wear the beret instead of them flipping caps.

I don't like wearing them caps.

- When you're out there parading with the red beret on,

- they know who you are or what y'are.

- Next stage is to get rid of that.

The green backing.

'They'd wear that tell-tale plastic backing

'until they were ready for parachute training,

'but that was two months away,

'if they survived learning to be infantrymen

'on the mountains in Wales in winter.

'Meanwhile, 480 Platoon had moved in threes one step closer

'to adoption by their new family.'

- We got the words right, got the timing

and the calling out right, and it was good.

Enjoyed it. Can wear the maroon machine now!

The red beret.

Eyes...

right!