The Life and Times of Master Hamilton True North

This programme contains strong language

HORSE TROTS

ANDY SHOUTS COMMANDS

'Well, I'm not really a people person at all, like.

'The only thing about a horse - if a horse misbehaves,

'you can straighten him up. You can't do that with a human.'

Come on, come on. Come on, Tom. Yup! Come on!

Yup!

HE LAUGHS

DOGS BARK

MONITOR BEEPS

I don't think anybody'd ever forget the first day it goes on.

You were...

mesmerised wi it, like.

HORN SOUNDS

My challenge in life now is to teach the boys as much as I can.

Don't want any oul sadness, there's no point.

That day will likely come at some stage,

but I'm not ready for it yet.

I would say his daddy taught him how to ride.

But you watch Andy watching him jump, and just see Andy doing this...

He kind of does it for you.

Watch, watch this.

Aye...

That's a really good pony, there. I think.

Kick on, Bob!

You need to let her reins go, Bob!

Go on.

-Push on, Bob!

-Legs, Bob, both legs, come on!

SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE

Right, you move out the way, Andy.

I can't get out the way...!

Let her go.

Let her go.

Don't you turn around!

Take her down and on round back.

Right, go back round, Bob, and do it again.

That's better.

Right, go over there, and go out over.

And come down around.

Caught me up.

HE SHOUTS

Push on, Bob!

That's all right, huh?

Three years ago, that pony going up the field,

that'd be worth five or six thousand.

Maybe more.

And now how much is it worth?

Maybe worth 1,500.

It's not fair. It shouldn't be sold, that type of pony.

Ireland's lost its really good ponies and its really good breeding.

At the minute.

And in ten years' time, all that, really -

that's one of the best-bred Connemara ponies in Ireland,

too, you know? That's all going to be gone, you know?

Keep up, Judith!

-Get it?

-Yeah!

How do you keep up with him?!

I don't, I'm normally on a horse. And it's hard, then.

Back here!

-He's got some stamina.

-Aye.

But he'll be for nothing later on.

But he enjoys this.

Maybe I'll have the dream I had as a youngster.

I had ponies and footered about, and...

I had to work hard, too, but I enjoyed every minute.

Up on that mountain wi horses from when you were a nipper.

£100,000 a year job, or to ride them horses, no contest.

You know?

I don't know whether my kids will appreciate it, or whether or not...

And maybe I'm just still trying to relive my childhood, I don't know.

But while I'm about, I'll try and keep on doing that.

You know?

12.9.

-12.9?

-Yeah.

-That's all right.

-All right, Andrew?

-Huh?

-You've lost weight?

Aye.

I showed him these lumps in my neck, and he thought it was nothing,

but he would get me checked up.

And I went private and got them looked at,

and it turned out to be a tumour.

And they're into the back of my skull,

at the base of my skull, in there, so, aye...

The shit hit the fan for a wee while, there, you know what I mean?!

So it did.

He's got cancer in his liver and he's got cancer on his third vertebra.

Apparently, wherever he's got it on his neck,

there's a strong chance that if he bangs his head or falls over

or slips, he'll break his neck, in effect.

Oul son.

If you think, "I'm going to die of cancer," you will die of cancer.

Now, now.

And that is what has kept him going. The hunting, the way of life.

And this...

..desire to see the boys carry on, I suppose.

-Is this your favourite horse, Andy?

-Aye.

He's not a bad 'un, anyway. You know what I mean?

You sell horses, you couldn't say - every one's favourite.

But I suppose there's a certain amount of chance that he could be,

for he's been the longest about the yard.

Joe, tell me about your dad.

There's not a lot to tell, really.

He's just been into horses all his life,

and he likes hunting, and that's...

and he likes racing.

So, he used to ride in the races as well, like, but...

He's just completely mad about horses, and that's just it.

What would you like to learn from him?

Just to be as good as him, really.

Should be really good.

This horse is going to Armagh, this black horse.

He doesn't need to be made a fool o'.

But he needs a really good, sharp, blow out.

When you're in a race, try and not cover any extra ground.

Run the inside as much as possible,

keep yoursel out of danger, because when you're out hunting,

and you're out racing, that wee bit of ground there

from your shoulder blade to your head, that's your neck,

and you must always look after it.

So you must.

I'd like him to ride point-to-point,

for I hink he's got the talent for it.

And he'll never be any more than fucking nine stone,

so he'll never hae any bother wi weight, nor damn all.

He's going to be like his Granda Hamilton,

-just to fly, like, you know?

-Aye.

If them pair's going to lovey-dove, they can go among the rocks

somewhere oot the fucking road,

instead of standing in the middle of the galloping bit.

What's going to take place now?

I'll go back, I'm tired now.

You were up the inside again, so you were.

-Weren't ye?

-Yeah.

Mm-hm.

Slapping at him like you think you're riding a cow.

Hmm?

I didn't hit him twice!

What did we talk about on the road down, Joe?

The whole point of us coming here was skill in the horses.

If you were having to hit them to get home, that gives me

a false sense...

Unless that horse can win that being hung on,

he's not ready to run.

You know, if you get somebody that turns around and hits them

and asks them to go up to them - waste of time.

He was going grand, and it's just he's tried to skite on me,

and then I hit him. I didn't hit, cos he couldn't go well,

I hit him cos he tried to skite across him.

Do you think he's very hard on you sometimes?

Riding to his standard's the hardest thing.

Coming in, Joe?

Everybody thinks their own's special, you know?

Everybody that's breeding horses dreams they're breeding

a Gold Cup winner, a Cheltenham Gold Cup winner,

and the National Hunt Badges, and...

We're all dreamers, that's in the horse business.

Because if you let reality get into it, and sound thinking about it,

you wudna hae fuck all to do with the horses at all, you wouldn't.

You wouldn't be keeping them,

because it doesn't go that way, you know?

I'm going through a hard time,

because the chemo fucks up your temper and it makes it even worse,

and I'm short enough as it is.

And you just want everything to be perfect,

and everything's not perfect, and that's just the way it is.

I'm not able to do it myself, and... Aye.

-He's 53 today?

-Uh-huh.

-53.

-What have you got him?

We've got... We've got him a boxer puppy!

-Do you really need any more animals?

-No, not really.

I should have waited for those two boys,

cos they'll flipping fanny around.

Go on ahead, Bob.

You are the worst driver.

Joe!

Right, put the lid on it.

BOB GIGGLES

It's not going to jump out or fly out, or ocht?

No, no.

What the f...?

Oh, my God.

Where did you get that?

Huh?

We've left that off.

My oul friend.

Will you be my friend, friend?

Huh?

Them's the most wonderful dog I ever had, the boxer.

They're stupid bastards, but they're nice dogs.

I think there's a hell of a lot for Joe to do.

Um...

as a cub, you know. I think there's a lot for him to do.

But, you see, Andy - when Andy was about Joe's age,

he ended up basically milking cows, a herd of cows,

for a long time, on his own.

So, Andy doesn't see anything unusual in it.

I think it's - sometimes I think it's a bit too much for Joe.

Come on. Good boy.

Come on.

Come on. SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE

Come on.

Where's his feed bowl?

I don't argue about the yard any more.

Always used to argue about the yard, but now I just get on with it.

Doesn't get done any quicker if you argue about it.

RICHARD OSMAN SPEAKS ON TV

-So, the horse tomorrow is...

-Knockans Bridge.

Yeah, Knockans Bridge.

And his mother hasn't won a race yet, so she's not on the wall.

They don't get on the wall until they win a race.

And who's the owner?

-Oh, it's yours!

-I'm the owner.

-I'm the owner of all these horses!

-You're the owner!

Then the prize money goes in my name!

If there is any - which doesn't happen very often.

Two minutes, I need to go and find the colours.

God knows where these are.

He is quite nervous.

He can't do any more, you know?

It's out of your hands, it's out of his control.

I don't think he finds that that easy.

Now, boy!

Whoa, laddie.

Oul son. Behave, now.

Behave! Behave! Behave. Don't kick Mummy.

We're not expecting to win,

we're expecting just to make half of this bastard, here,

-it'll probably be...!

-LAUGHTER

-I'd say he's probably the favourite, you know?

-I hope you're right!

2-1 the field, 9-2 Knockans.

5-1 Knockans.

5-1 Knockans.

It's just suck it and see, now, that's all we can do.

TANNOY: ..Knockans Bridge with Liaison Dangereuse

as they make their way now towards the third last.

And on the outside, One Cool Clarkson goes to the third last in front.

From on the inside as they go it, is Uavtocallimsumtin,

Witheselegs.

They're being followed by Neither Nor trying to get into it with Mistissio.

They go in from Sea Bear, into the second lap.

At centre, Mr Prestage. Down the hill they go, now.

They've got one fence left to jump, and in front it's One Cool Clarkson,

One Cool Clarkson has the advantage, Knockans Bridge in centre,

Neither Nor on Knockans Bridge...

It's One Cool Clarkson in front...

Come on, Knockans Bridge!

It's One Cool Clarkson...

One Cool Clarkson is going to have a result.

Up to the line, it's going to be One Cool Clarkson.

Second Ballycanal Tom. Knockans Bridge is third, then.

Uavtocallimsumtin and Neither Nor...

There we are!

Well done!

Ahh! Ahh!

-JUDITH: Hey, Andy...

-Yeah?

-That'll do.

-That'll do!

Fucking brilliant. Excuse my French.

Fucking good ride.

Did all right.

He did in the spaces.

Silly, really, you know. He hasn't won, but he's done really well.

Andy put so much time and effort into them,

and it's so - and coming to Armagh is one of the...is one of the top

point-to-points, you know, you won't get...

There's plenty of horses have run in that race, the five-year-old -

five and six-year-old geldings' maiden, gone on to run at Cheltenham.

So, your ambition with point-to-point

is to sell them on and see them do well.

And see them on Channel 4 one day.

Yes. Huh? Yes.

Your glasses on!

There's still plenty of horses oot there yet.

Oh, there are horses, there are plenty o 'em, yet.

For damn sure.

-RECORDED VOICE:

-Breathe in.

Hold your breath.

Right, this is what they call a scout film, Andy.

-Yes.

-You know that first run when you're on a scanner

and they run you through the first run, before they start doing the...?

It's along the left on that side, there.

Yes, that's where your diaphragm should be.

The right side, it's shoved right up.

It's really getting to the stage of about half now.

Exactly, you're quite right,

you're about half the volume on that side that you have on that side.

And that's just due to the sheer size of the liver.

-Um... This is the thing in the liver.

-That's the growth?

Yeah. A big cystic thing.

So, I think we have to say, from all of that, that things have got worse.

And that we need to think of where we go from here.

-Aye.

-You've had so much chemotherapy - you haven't...

Do you remember, in 2011, they gave you the chemo that had the bottle?

-How would you feel about that?

-I'll do whatever you think, Melanie.

I don't want to crawl about,

and people taking you by the hand and carrying you about,

and shifting you about, I don't want to be a nuisance.

You know?

It's soul-destroying for the boys, too.

You just go with a bang, that's that.

So, aye.

But the problem is, you know,

I know about half the people

doesn't think there's anything wrong with me,

because I fought it, arsed about,

and don't realise how bad I am, you know?

Me da's not going to be there forever.

I have to be able to do it all before he goes.

How does Bob feel about your dad?

He's never remembered it to be anything but the cancer, like.

That annoys me as well,

he's never really got a chance to see Daddy before it was,

before he did have cancer, and that.

What was he like before?

He was still a bit cross, but he wasn't as bad,

and you could have a laugh with him.

He was just more fun. Me, I enjoyed it a lot more.

I sounds weird, like, even hearing the word "cancer",

it just brings it back to Da, like, it just brings me back to Daddy.

Aye...

So it is...

You're more than good for coming down,

you're more than good for coming down,

don't feel you have to come over.

-No, I'll come over.

-All right.

Joe, which horse are you riding today?

That black and white horse, me da's horse.

-Have you been given a promotion?

-Aye!

Is Andy not riding today?

No, he's not feeling great today, so he's not going to bother.

DOGS BARK

No, he's not well.

This last run of chemo -

he always has a rough time after the steroids finish.

And hopefully he'll come back...

And hopefully he'll come back into form,

but he's having - he's getting it tight.

To an extent, he's better getting up,

because when he lies in bed he has too long...

Too much time to think about things.

Ho, ho!

HORN SOUNDS

When was the last time the Mid-Antrim Hunt caught a fox?

Oh, I don't know!

That's a long...

Don't often catch anything now, you know.

Not often.

You know?

That's a very tricky question, because...

..for farmers, you want to let on you're doing good,

and, for animal welfares, you want to let on you're not!

HE LAUGHS

How are they...?

Don't talk.

Just...

HE CALLS

Hounds are away. Hounds away!

-What's happened?

-Hounds is all up.

Come on, ahead, here.

Come on, ahead!

Kick on!

Keep going - keep going straight across.

Go on, kick on!

Come on, push on!

-Fucking machine.

-Huh?

-Fucking machine.

-Ah, yeah!

HE CHUCKLES

-Right, I'd better go on.

-Right, run on.

-What did he call Liquorice?

-A fucking machine.

That's some horse.

I think you'll have a tough job getting him back off Joe.

Ah!

-I'll probably not need him back.

-HE COUGHS

HE LAUGHS

-Don't say that.

-You know?

I try to keep up, and try to keep bouncing for the boys,

but it's getting tougher.

I'll maybe go and still take the intravenous stuff.

I don't think I'll take any more tablets.

I'd rather have six weeks half-decent health...

..not lying about, fit for nothing, anyway.

Unless... Unless life has a quality...

..life means nothing, like. Really and truly.

I don't want their last memories of me to be a real grumpy,

miserable oul bastard that died in misery, like.

He gets down, you know, and that's understandable, as well.

But that hard. Cos it's hard...

you don't know what to say.

You know, I don't know what to say.

We don't talk about it that much, to be honest.

But... DOOR OPENS

..talk of the devil. DOG YAPS

What are you doing in, you little shit?

DOG YAPS

That's a nice way to talk about my present to you, darling.

HE CHUCKLES

Look, he's so pleased to see you!

Yes, ha.

He'd bite your feet and do anything...

No, look, he's got a ball.

He's got a ball.

He's more pleased to see you - more pleased to see you,

as an oul ball.

Very good...

She's got more hair than I have!

I would like two grand for her.

Joe says three.

Aye, Joe says three? Well, if we get three, all the better!

Is this like the annual outing?

-Yeah.

-Yes, it's the annual outing, aye.

Them three there's the Northern Ireland equivalent

of Last Of The Summer Wine.

LAUGHTER

Right, there, lads.

-Not too bad.

-All right.

That's an ouler beast, there. Not a bad sort.

Now at 100. 100, now at 100, 100 bid.

At 100... Are you with me?

250, 250, 300, 300 I'm bid now,

3, bid 3.

At 3...

That surgeon says, he says, "You're a miracle man."

He say, "I just do not know how..."

He says, "The last time I told you I thought you'd be dead at Christmas."

-Aye.

-And that's 26 months ago.

What?

Aye.

Good, strong, well-made coat, 100 bid. 100 bid, now at 100...

300, 300 bid.

Sold at 300.

There you are, Andrew.

That's the way it's done.

-Did you just buy that horse?

-I bought that horse, like a fool.

Joe bought it! His fault, he's away, now.

Could be 17 ponies here, do you know what I mean?

That's shocking. Oh!

We have a hard problem, cos we're better buyers than we are sellers.

What's Judith going to say?

Buy no more that we see, but. All right?

She's coming up, now, on the...

Oh, aye.

Give me some idea - what, like, would 1,000, 1,500, 2,000?

Give me some idea.

I need... If it was 1,000, I'd start talking.

My friend, we'll go looking for it, and we'll come back and talk.

Excellent child's pony. What are we going to say here?

Who'd like start me?

2,000, I'm going to give you 2, 17, 16, 1,500.

We've got 650, come on, ladies and gentlemen, at 650,

bidding at 650, 650 bid.

In at 750, all done, 750.

This man was getting three grand for this, this is a foal,

this is a well-bred foal.

Now, if it was today's prices we'd bought it, we could sell it.

But it's not. You know what I mean?

Well, now, folks, we won't be doing business now. Unsold, now, at 800.

Afraid not.

Disappointing, Sammy.

-You just couldn't take that money for that kind of quality pony.

-No.

I got that foal, like.

We're flying. Easy to load, easy to sell.

-Good luck, all the best.

-Thank you.

Bye-bye. Bye.

-Andy, so we arrived this morning one horse to sell...

-Uh-huh.

-And we're going home with...?

-Two.

-Buy one get one free.

-Uh-huh.

You couldn't get much closer than getting it free.

How much did we pay for her?

Ah, you need to learn about horse dealing, son.

Lying in hospital's not good for Andy,

cos he has too much time to think.

-What sort of form was he in last night?

-He was all right.

He wasn't great, you know.

As he said, he'd rather be lying in bed at Kenbally,

which is here, you know?

How are you feeling?

You had a hell of a bad night?

Pain?

Aye, she's not going to give you any chemo

until she finds out what's causing the pain.

Mm.

All right, pet lamb.

All right, love you more. Bye, bye, bye.

I think he's had a bit of a bad week - er, bad night.

-What was he saying?

-Melanie's just in, his doctor's just in,

but I think he's had a bad night with the pain.

Hopefully they'll be able to give him something to sort that out, Joe.

I'm sure they will.

I know I need to be here. I don't want to be home,

the pain that I suffer through the night and stuff, there.

I know I can't handle that at home.

So I just have to be, till these people get me sorted again.

And then I'll be back, like a bull at a gate wanting to go again.

You know what I mean?

And I'll drive them mad and I'll see plenty of things that they

haven't done right, and I'll devour them...

And if I'm carried down the road tomorrow,

those fucking things go on, so...

And they'll have to swing their own tail, you know?

We started off with three sheep, and...

we've knocked it up to about 70.

-75, Bob.

-75.

There - there's a lamb, there. Joe's caught it.

This wee lamb was born yesterday.

So he was.

He's a tip. So, he was born yesterday.

SHEEP BLEATS

Better set him down again, his mum's looking for him.

Baa!

I wouldn't want to die tomorrow, but I can.

I'm not scared. Not in the slightest.

And only, I fear... If you want to believe in God, or want to...

My belief is that - I thank Him, for... That it's me.

It's not my wife. It's not the boys.

It's me.

JOE SINGS TO HIMSELF

-That's Billy...

-HE MUTTERS

That's the pony, there, the first pony I ever got onto.

It was a sharp little guy, you know?

But a good pony.

-He loved to roll, like, you know?

-He did?

If you got into a field, you just - if you didn't happen to slap him

and keep him up, he was down, and you were off.

Morning!

Mrs Maggie.

-How are you?

-OK.

-That's good.

DOGS BARK

I'd like to thank everybody for supporting us through the year,

especially the pubs and the people that comes to watch.

And it's probably the last time you'll see me out on a horse,

I would think.

I have made it to the end of the season and that'll be it.

-Hip, hip...

-ALL: Hooray!

-Hip, hip...

-Hooray!

-All right, get up there!

-Get up!

-Come along.

Hello, you all right there?

Go up there! Into that hedge!

Uh-huh.

Went in through that hedge, there.

Come on, come on!

Just a hard slap, there.

I mean, if I'm carried down the road in a year's time,

and they say, "That's the end of the horses," that's fine with me.

They have to do what they want to do themselves.

If they're man enough to do that, they'll be grand.

You know?

They don't have to try to do me proud, or anything, like.

Just be...

Don't get jailed, don't get fucking nailed for anything like that,

and behave yourselves.