All for Show True North

It was 2013 I competed in my first bodybuilding show.

I didn't really know what to expect at all.

I'd never been to a bodybuilding show before.

I borrowed the bikini.

I borrowed the shoes.

I borrowed my tan.

I did my own hair and make-up and when they called the winner out

and it was my number, I was shocked, I was very shocked.

It was just amazing, you know, regardless of winning,

so I was very grateful for that.

My name is Nicole Toan.

I'm from Belfast, currently working as a personal trainer.

I compete in bodybuilding shows.

I've always been a dancer myself.

I didn't really pay too much attention to schoolwork.

It was more coming home and going to dance practice

and, you know, dancing in the house,

dancing for my mum and dad's friends if they came round.

It just so happened that a friend of mine had mentioned

that the bodybuilding show was happening in Belfast

and that you could perform a routine

and you could maybe incorporate dance in that routine.

Lovely and calm, that, Nicole, huh?

Cracker of an evening.

Everybody knows about the Muscle Beach in California.

They weren't aware that there was

a Muscle Beach in Helen's Bay,

and at the weekends,

the guys who trained, they would come down to Helen's Bay

and in the summertime they'd bring their tents with them,

and they would stay for the weekend,

they would do a wee bit of training, freehand exercises and whatnot,

have a swim and just lie and enjoy the sunshine.

Fascinating, seeing these men that trained with weights,

as I say, they seemed different to other people, but there you go.

-All those years ago.

-All those many, many years ago,

I'm talking away back, late 1940s, early 1950s.

-Your daddy was probably not even born then.

-No!

THEY LAUGH

Very first time I picked up a weight

would have been around about 1953, '54.

I'd been working in this factory.

There were a few lads there who were obviously weight trainers.

I got friendly with them. I liked their attitude.

They were confident without being arrogant.

In those days just about everybody who trained with weights

started off in Joe Scott's Barbell Club.

WEIGHTS CLACK

Ivan Dunbar was the man who actually introduced bodybuilding

competitions to Belfast, away back in those early days, the early '50s,

and Ivan put on his show every year, brought over all the big names.

Arnold Schwarzenegger as a young lad of 18 came over

and Arnold was over here on three occasions.

Competitors would start coming in.

You would help in getting their music sorted out with the music man,

making sure their numbers were OK, making sure when they were on,

and it was nice to be able to talk to them.

In fact, I still do it at the show.

I remember Nicole's first competition.

When she got onto the stage, she seemed to sort of...

not hide away, but

she just wasn't displaying herself the way she should.

I told Nicole, "Nicole, stand tall and proud."

I decided I wanted to come back with a lot more muscle

and I gave myself that goal.

I wanted to see how far I could actually go.

The Dungeon gym, it's an old-school bodybuilding gym.

It's in an old derelict mill.

It's like, holes in the wall, graffiti on the walls,

you know, it's very dirty. It's got everything you need.

When I start training, I start seeing myself in the mirror

and maybe getting a good pump on,

and for me, that just lifts my mood completely,

and then before you know it, you're in the gym maybe an hour and a half

and you don't want to leave.

Beauty doesn't necessarily mean, you know, how you look,

it's more about having confidence to step on stage

or even to walk into a gym.

It's OK to have muscles.

Gav and I have been together now just coming up to a year

and being in the Army, you know, and his background,

he's a bodyguard at the minute, he's into his fitness.

It's completely different, you know,

I found out the hard way

and it is, I mean, it's alien to me,

the ritual that she goes through.

It has been a bit of a struggle understanding it, like,

she's got a strict diet in what she eats,

how many times a day she has to eat,

everything from calorie intake to salts to...

everything. Sugars, watching everything. It's very committed.

I kind of isolate myself. I don't have a life.

I isolate myself from my family, my friends.

You can't drink, you can't go out to a restaurant.

You can't bypass a mirror without looking at yourself

and it's not anything to do with being vain or loving yourself,

it's to do with, you know, you want to see results,

you want to constantly look in the mirror and think,

"Well, am I seeing the results that I want?"

She's got an image in her head of how she wants to look,

and every day, every five minutes, almost,

she's just looking in the mirror and making sure

the lines, everything, her whole body is in proportion

and looking right for the show,

but there's days and there's moments where it's not, it's not like,

she doesn't think it's the way it should be looking,

when everyone tells her, "Yeah, it is."

And, you know...that is the pressure of the show, I think.

-Hmm.

-Yeah?

You have to get to the gym, that's what you have to do.

You have to train.

It came at a really bad time, really vital time in my prep

where it's the last four weeks.

You need to be hitting everything hard.

Got a few back injuries,

neck injuries,

I've had a few trapped nerves down my shoulders,

I've had a few trapped nerves in my back. Hamstring's really tight.

It's just a case of...

It's an ongoing thing

but it's starting to get where I'm not allowed,

it's preventing me from training heavy, lifting heavy,

certain exercises - squats, dead lifts.

It's got to the point where it's not bearable any more.

HE PANTS

Bent-over laterals for the rear deltoid,

lateral raises for the lateral part of the deltoid,

and then a clean and a press, just three exercises rolled into one.

I prefer doing that rather than just doing one exercise.

It saves time. It's the old adage -

the greatest amount of work in the shortest possible time.

Just have to get it done quickly.

This is where I want to die.

HE CHUCKLES

It's very easy to overtrain.

You have your workouts, you're training properly,

you're eating sensibly and you feel great, all enthusiastic, and...

Your head's telling you, "Get down and do some more."

That's when you hit problems, overtraining.

Your body can only take so much.

If you feel tired, you don't feel like going to the gym,

you feel demoralised,

you're inclined then to force yourself to go

and you cease to enjoy your workouts.

Nicole's problem was, she wouldn't listen to me.

She was going to these other guys

and they were trying to impress Nicole.

"More weight, more weight, more weight."

They weren't letting Nicole listen to her body, they were trying

to listen to Nicole's body for her and not hearing the right signals.

I think the wee girl is brilliant,

but she lets herself be influenced by too many other people.

People think it's all about competitions,

you train and you're "complete, compete, compete."

Competition's just a part of it.

You're on a journey and competitions come round,

it's a sort of a stop along the way to admire the scenery.

I've been going to Valhalla Gym. It's just outside Carrickfergus.

They want to have a look at me doing my poses,

then they'll give me advice on what I need to change.

INAUDIBLE

'Nicole's figure doesn't need to be really muscular

'but a nice taper from shoulders to waist,

'a nice wee flare to her quads and calves.

'I was just telling her to hold her poses,

'when she's doing her calves,'

push through, hold her calf,

flex her hamstrings, keep her arms up and stuff like that.

She's in fantastic shape,

like, stands out from any girl in this country.

The likes of bodybuilding, it's more consistency, you know,

it's not something you do one or two days,

it's seven days a week, 24/7.

I committed when I was 14.

I seen the Hulk and that was me. I just wanted to be him.

Everything else suffered in my life, like schoolwork and stuff.

Only now I'm starting to educate myself a bit better.

I was just one-track mind. It's not a good thing, though, you know?

If I could do things differently, I would.

Everyone's individual. Some people can handle it on stage

and some can't. Personally, I couldn't.

I've been bodybuilding a long time

but competitive bodybuilding's not for me.

I would be sort of shy and introvert naturally.

I love everything about the bodybuilding but some people...

Nicole, she's a natural performer, so she is.

I'm not.

She definitely will go far if she keeps her head on.

The last two weeks, that's the time where you're drained,

you start thinking, you start panicking that the show's soon.

Your cortisol levels can rise, where you tend to hold a lot of water,

so it's just all about staying calm.

I'm sick of everything at the minute.

When you wake up in the morning and all you want to do is train

and all your mind is set on

is a goal of competing on stage at NABBA again,

but yet, everybody else around you who's competing is training

and you're in the house, not doing anything, it's very hard.

If you can dream and not make dreams your master

If you can think and not make thoughts your aim

If you can meet with triumph and disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken

And stoop and build them up with worn-out tools.

This poem, If, by Rudyard Kipling,

my father brought it home with him from the Navy

and I've had a copy of it follow me throughout my life.

I think you can find in that poem things that will help you

through different eventualities, different wee problems.

Nicole should have a wee bit more self-belief,

wee bit more courage, wee bit more confidence.

I think there's times when she tries to put across an air of confidence

but, um, you know, it's to boost her own...

She's still got those wee doubts, she's still got those wee doubts.

She's a nice girl. I like Nicole, she's a nice wee girl

and just, she wants to believe in herself a wee bit more.

She's probably searching like a whole load of us for happiness.

She's trying to get that wee bit of happiness.

Green tea, Nicole, or chamomile?

-Green, please.

-Who looks after you, Nicole, huh?

You were badly hit with injuries, weren't you, love?

-Yes.

-You had problems.

-It was very frustrating, you know,

stressing out, and it got me down

and I was going to pull out of the show and that.

It's... It's the sort of situation,

you're getting ready for a competition, a competitor,

an injury is awful because you can't, it interrupts your training.

You have to change your training completely and a lot of people,

they just, "Ah, forget about it."

It's the old, old story, just let nature...

Look after yourself. Let nature take its course. And the old saying,

as we've talked about quite often, every little thing...

-Is going to be all right.

-Correct.

Every little thing is going to be all right.

-And it was all right. And it will be all right.

-Yeah.

So any wee worries you have between now and this show coming up,

-remember that, love.

-Well, I've realised that.

-Yes.

-So...

-Yeah.

Lilah! Does she look well?

-Does she look well?

-Oh, aye, she does.

-She does.

-Turn round, let's see the back.

-Oh.

-Oh, yeah.

When she went in for the bodybuilding,

Thomas phoned and said, "She's won everything."

-She got a cup.

-And a cup.

-And a trophy.

-And a trophy.

-And a medal.

-And a medal.

But no cash! Which she was looking for!

-Did you not get money?

-No.

Are you nervous when you go in for it?

You can't be nervous when you get up on stage and you're naked.

No, just a wee bit more adrenaline.

-And...

-Just a bit of string round your bum.

-..nerves kick in.

But you have to show your muscles more.

Day before, last day...

My God. It's been...

It's been up and down, up and down, you know, emotions...

It is an emotional rollercoaster.

Although she puts on a front and she's like, you know,

everything's fine, there is that...

underconfident side of her that she needs bringing out.

INAUDIBLE

I was looking for a bikini like a black bikini.

The whole theme of my kind of routine and hair and make-up,

it's kind of like a smoky effect

and my boyfriend bought me it, so... I've seen better!

When she's out doing her routine,

she's isolated on that stage on her own, underneath those lights,

and those lights are very unforgiving.

You remember the people in your life that helped you

when you're training, when you started out training,

the advice you got, the help that you got

and the people who have been behind you.

That all flashes through your mind.

There's 1000 people out there, and they've bought a ticket

and you're going to be the only person on that stage,

they've come to see you.

Right, 20 minutes, these people will be off in 20 minutes.

You'll be going up there. OK, please be ready.

You just get onto that stage, feel good about yourself.

You're there to show off.

Coming back, it was like, "Right, I have to do it"

and then we got placed third.

And now I'm like, well, you know, I have to hang the stage shoes up.

You know, I'm not going to compete any more. But then, you never know.

There's more to life than just competing.

I just found out that Graeme passed away

and it's very sad.

It was a massive shock to the bodybuilding industry.

You know, and he's a legend in himself.

He was a massive help in my own prep.

You know, you get these people that have trained their whole lives

and they're telling you and you're taking their advice.

You know, you're putting your body through all this strain.

Yeah, you can look your best, but is it really worth it for...

for what? For a trophy?

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on a turn of pitch-and-toss

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the will which says to them, "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue

Or walk with kings, nor lose the common touch

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you

If all men count with you, but none too much

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With 60 seconds' worth of distance run

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it

And, which is more, you'll be a man, my son.

MUSIC: Three Little Birds by Bob Marley

# Don't worry about a thing

# Cos every little thing gonna be all right

# Singing, don't worry... #