Face the Music True North

I wasn't sad. I wasn't really anything.

I was numb.

My mum was gone and that's all that I could think about.

In the process of losing her,

I lost a massive part of myself.

All I wanted to do was just stay in my room

and keep the world at bay and not face what was happening.

See, I missed having a best friend.

I missed having someone there who knew me inside out.

I missed her...

I missed her tough love.

That kind of love between a mother and daughter just can't be replaced.

It was surreal. It was depressing.

And it was a lot to take in.

I was trying to think, how am I going to cope in the future?

How am I going to...

How am I going to live without having a mum

that's been by my side for the last 18 years?

She wanted me...

..to do my best in the world.

So, that's when I finally decided to pluck up the courage and go get help,

and I decided to see my doctor.

At the time, I thought that the antidepressants were a lifeline.

On the face of it, they did help me function more,

but deep down, I was feeling worse than ever.

I was so withdrawn and I think, at this stage,

I was on the verge of completely losing myself.

Then one morning, a report came on the radio

and it was talking about the rise in antidepressants

in Northern Ireland and for me, that was the turning point.

ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS

I didn't want to worry my dad before but I decided to tell him anyway.

And when I did, he responded by just getting up

and walking straight to his record collection

and pulling out The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan and just handing it to me,

not saying a word and with that, I knew exactly what to do.

The music gave me something to think about.

Something to kind of latch onto.

It was like being able to think straight for the first time in ages.

See, I've always loved music, but this was different.

This was like hearing my favourite songs for the first time,

but with some kind of new meaning or a new connection.

And in the end, it wasn't the medication that

answered my cry for help - it was the music and its raw emotion.

And it made it clear to me that Mum was gone.

And I'll always have my memories of her, but I'll never be without music.