Coming Out Diaries

'I hope that my new classmates accept me for who and what I am.'

'I wish I had just been born a boy,

'it would have made my life so much easier.'

'I still don't think my mum understands

'that this isn't a phase, this is who I am.'

Gay, lesbian or transgender. Coming out can be incredibly tough.

For teenagers, how you do it can shape the rest of your life.

Here, I have to not be myself and I have to be someone else.

No, you're Kieran that you've been for 18 years.

It got me to the point of self harm,

it got me to the point of even overdosing and it was just horrible.

It is very much squishing my boobs down right now

and I've got the boobs of an old lady.

This is the story of three teenagers,

three coming out journeys and three life-defining moments.

Told in their own words.

'She wants me to be Kieran her son, but I am not a boy,

'I am Natalie and I wish she'd see me as her own daughter.'

17 year old Natalie was born a boy.

She only told her mum a few months ago that she wants to be a girl.

It would be nice if just once you could actually say "Nat" to me.

-No, I've already told you I won't call you Nat.

-Exactly.

You'll always be my eldest son, not eldest daughter.

17 year old Tori is terrified her classmates

will shun her for being a lesbian.

I just want to stop having to lie

about who I am at college to my friends.

Now I'm really nervous.

I've been lying to you saying I'm straight

when actually I'm a lesbian.

And 19 year old Jamie's mates have no idea he was born a girl.

What kind of girl do you think is your type?

Someone that's quite a laugh and I can go out with.

All three want to be accepted for who they are.

All three will be coming out to the whole world.

These are their diaries.

People might think it's choice, but the only choice

is to either come out or try and deal with it by yourself.

This programme contains some strong language.

My name is Natalie and I am 17

and this year is the year I came out as transgender.

To most I'm a boy becoming a girl,

but the truth is I'm a girl trapped in the wrong body.

Natalie lives with her family in the Scottish countryside.

She was born Kieran,

but six months ago she told her mum that she is a girl not a boy.

Mum, Arlene is finding the situation really difficult,

she doesn't want to call her Natalie and is uncomfortable with her dressing as a girl.

Arlene is also worried about the effect Natalie's sex change

might have on her three youngest sons.

It's very tough knowing that your son of nearly 18 years

wants to be a girl.

I think he's making a big mistake.

I don't know if this'll break our relationship,

make it better, whatever, I don't know.

This is the only skirt I have at the moment,

I'm trying to get a red one to go with my boots.

I've only just got one bra at the moment,

I did have two, but the other one's disappeared.

It's fairly small, but it still works.

My mum has never seen me wear any of this at all.

She doesn't want me "dressing up", as she would say, around the house.

-How's you this morning?

-All right.

-What lies ahead then?

Might meet up with Chris later.

You definitely need to think about doing something with your hair.

Well, I'll do that whenever it's long enough.

-Can I ask you something?

-What?

Is that what everybody's going to call you now, Natalie?

-Yeah, pretty much.

-Cos it's quite a big step.

Yeah, but it's one of the many steps I'm going to have to take.

Natalie and her mum are still wrestling

with how to handle the situation.

What are you going to do when you're dressing as a girl

and you're totally Natalie now.

Are you going to say, or are we going to say, "Oh, yeah, it's Kieran,"

or, "this is a new friend of Kieran called Natalie?"

Or what? Cos the kids are going to be so confused.

-Yeah, well, that's up to you really.

-It's also up to you.

What would you think would be easier for them to understand?

I don't know how I'm going to explain it.

I don't know.

-Bye.

-Bye, see you later, have a nice day.

As often as she can, Natalie travels to Aberdeen

where she transforms into a girl.

At home Natalie remains Kieran, a boy wearing boy's clothing.

In Aberdeen, she uses any toilet she can find

to change into her girl clothes.

I prefer being dressed like this.

I just want people to see me as Natalie,

that's it really, nothing else to it. Just me.

Away from home, Natalie hangs out with other trans and gay friends.

But, what she really wants is her mum's approval.

I'm not really sure how I feel. I have lots of emotions.

I feel heartbroken that he doesn't want to be Kieran any more.

I'm hoping it is a phase

and if it is a phase he's going to go through, I hope he realises very quickly,

rather than a few years down the line when it's too late.

I do think he's making a mistake.

I guess you're not looking forward to going home tonight then?

-Never do.

-Well, just think, you'll go home, you'll go to sleep

and then in the morning you'll be back in sunny Aberdeen.

I still don't think my mum understands

that this isn't a phase, this is who I am.

I'm not trying to be someone else, I'm just trying to be myself.

The one thing I'd really like to come from the next few months

is for my mum to at least be able to call me Natalie.

Or even just Nat,

because then she is one step closer to seeing me as her daughter.

My name's Tori, I'm 17 and I live in Worthing, West Sussex.

And I'm a lesbian.

I'm in my second year at college

and very few of my classmates know about my sexuality.

I'm scared to tell them because I've had some horrible reactions

from people in the past.

At beauty college only Tori's closest friends

know she's a lesbian.

She would like to come out to the rest of her course mates,

but her bad experiences at school

have made her very anxious about how they'll react.

We're at my old high school, which was an all girl's school.

The first person that I came out to at school was one of my best friends

and I was like, "She won't tell anyone.

"Oh, I'll be fine." And then by break time everyone knew.

Most of my friends didn't speak to me cos everyone was like,

"That's disgusting, how can you be bi, how can you be a lesbian?"

It got me to the point of self harm,

it got me to the point of stuff like even overdosing.

No-one deserves to go through that. It was horrible...

Sorry.

..and I don't wish it upon anyone.

Coming back here makes me think about coming out at college,

and it's like, what if I have to go through all that again?

Her school wasn't aware of any problems,

but when Tori left, the difficulties continued at hairdressing college.

Now on a beauty course, Tori is scared that her new friends will react badly for a third time.

Tori lives at home with her mum and two sisters.

I remember, like, in Year Seven, I knew then that I was, but I was kind of like denying it.

I think when you said you were being teased at school

for being a lesbian, I wondered then.

But you were so indignant that you weren't, I thought, "OK, maybe not."

And then when you told me, I was like, "Yeah, OK."

I was like, "How can you be so OK with it?!

-"Kick me out, do something horrible!"

-Why would I have kicked you out?

I don't know, most people do kick their kids out overnight

and then go, "Oh, I'm sorry!" I was waiting for you to do that.

No, you're still Tori, we still love you.

This was Year Ten.

At that point, I had, like, came out.

This was the year that I couldn't get changed in the changing rooms,

because of everyone, like, giving their comments and stuff.

You were very quiet all through that year. I found that one really hard.

I never knew what the problem was.

Knew there was something wrong, but you would never tell us.

You were always - not have been, are -

very good at wearing a confident mask

and coming across as really blase and happy-go-lucky

when inside you're shaking in your boots.

So if it does all go wrong at college this time,

-will you share with me, please?

-I think I will share with you.

'My major worry about coming out to my college friends is the fact that,

'last year when I was doing hairdressing,

'they didn't take it very well.

'Roughly ten girls were horrible about it,

'even to the point of threatening to hurt me.

'It all started with one girl saying how she didn't want me

'to touch her or do her hair.

'I hope that my new classmates accept me for who and what I am.

'But my fears are that they won't,

'especially now that I'm doing beauty therapy,

'which is so much more intimate.'

Tori has told just five people on her course.

Tonight, she's having a girly night in with her closest friends,

who know she's a lesbian.

I've got a pepperoni, a chicken and two margaritas.

-Are we having plates, or...?

-Nah.

So, what are you going to do about college, then?

Are you going to say anything to anyone?

I'm worried, cos of last year, the whole hairdressing lot.

-You were there for that.

-People are just scared.

But I think the whole group know you, and they love you!

What happened last year, then?

We were talking about who we are, cos it was induction day,

and Tori kind of said, "Oh, lesbian!"

In the campest way I've ever seen.

And then, like, throughout the day, everyone kept on going up to her.

One of the girls was like, "She's not touching my hair.

-"I don't want her touching me."

-"She'll jump on me," wasn't she?

"She's going to preditate me,

"she's going to try and fuck me or something!"

I was like, "You look like a troll, girl!"

Do you reckon it'll be the same as last year?

Hopefully not, cos I think they're nicer than last year.

But you'd think beauticians would be the worst.

-Cos you've got to touch them in a lot more intimate places.

-Their lady garden!

That's what I'm worried about.

It's stupid and ignorant that people think,

"She's a lesbian, she's doing beauty, she's down there -

"oh, she's going to jump me."

"I'm just doing your bikini line - oh, whilst I'm here...!"

I do think it's part of gay life, and you've got to accept it.

If you don't accept it, you're just going to be, like,

a miserable lesbian, at the end of the day!

'I'm Jamie, I'm 19, and I'm studying at Hull University.

'At university, I'm one of the guys. We socialise together,

'drink beer together and do all the things that other guys do.

'It's a new freedom I've never really had the chance to experience,

'and I love it.

'But deep down, I'm terrified of how people might react

'if they find out my secret.

'My secret is that I was born a girl,

'although I have never felt biologically female.

'I have never been interested in girls' clothes, or being a girl.

'All I've ever known or wanted is to be a boy.

'I was christened Aimee Alice, the girliest you can get.

'But now, I'm Jamie, Jamie Michael, and it's much better.

'I've known since about three that I need to be a guy.

'My family have always been so supportive,

'and I've been dressing in boys' clothes

-'since I was about four years old.'

-That was the last time you ever wore a dress.

Look at your face, how troubled you were, and how you hated it.

And I had to force you to wear it, and I felt awful, because by then,

I clearly knew that you didn't want to wear it.

This was, like, happy, cut off hair, looking like a boy.

-That was in 1998. So in that one, you were six.

-Yep.

That bonnet and that! I had a little girl,

and I wanted you to be

the prettiest, frilliest little girl ever,

and now you look back now and it's abuse, cos that wasn't you.

You weren't a girl, you were a boy, and there's me, frillying you up!

Really, in that picture I'm sad,

I'm screaming, "Get that bonnet off me now!"

I just feel really bad that I didn't allow Jamie to be Jamie sooner.

You know when you're pregnant and stuff like that,

why did my body make you a girl?

It's not your body. You didn't have some transgender injection.

It's not the way it works.

I just admire you for being so brave. If it had been me,

I would have grown my hair and worn a dress and pretended to be a girl.

But even if I had grown my hair and had worn a dress to pretend,

then it would be just the same to keep my hair short and be a boy.

I started to have testosterone injections nearly a year ago now.

And then, they have made a huge difference to me.

But then, I feel like I'm not quite complete yet.

Physically, he absolutely hates himself.

Jamie feels like nobody would ever love him,

because he likes girls, because he sees himself as a boy.

But he thinks, what girl would ever want to go out with him?

Because he's not physically a boy.

He's never going to be a complete guy, and he knows that.

He knows that.

And sometimes, when the realisation of that is clear in his mind,

that's when he breaks down,

and that's when I worry, because he does actually say to me,

"It's never going to be right, it can't be made right."

But I just want to make sure we do everything we can

to make it try and make it as right as it can be.

In the small village where Jamie lives,

everybody knows his background.

-Hi, Jamie.

-Hiya.

Cos I've lived in the same village pretty much all my life,

everyone's kind of grown up with me or knows me from school,

and just knows me from being around, and everyone kind of knows me

as that transgender kid, that one that was a girl that's now a boy.

Thank you very much.

Sometimes, I think, "Would it be better to tell people?"

But to me, I think as soon as I tell people, I'm treated differently,

I'm not treated as a guy anymore, I'm not part of that,

I'm treated as a guy who's not quite a guy.

See you soon, then. Bye.

Jamie is leading a double life, and he is hugely torn

about whether to tell his course mates he's biologically female.

There are only four girls on his computer course,

and it's a subject that always comes up.

Aren't we supposed to have the 1.6 girl-to-guy ratio?

I dunno where they all hide, honestly!

I don't think girls are really that into programming.

-There are actually no girls at all!

-I wasn't surprised at all.

I just remember going to an open day

and seeing one girl. It was a little bit depressing.

There were loads on my open day, absolutely loads,

but then obviously none of them came!

When I turned up, I was like, "No!"

I haven't told those guys about myself, no.

I think people pretty much do just accept me as one of them

and one of the guys, and no questions asked, hopefully.

I still find talking about girls a little bit awkward.

I just find it a bit hard, cos I feel like...

I don't know. They probably don't have any expectations

of what I should or shouldn't have experienced,

but I worry about what I should say and shouldn't say

probably more than I should, really.

'I'm not sure whether to tell people or not at university.

'I worry that I'm deceiving people, but I know that if people found out,

'they'd treat me differently.

'I don't ever want to be treated any less of a man than I am now.

'I'd like to be more up front with people,

'but I'm so worried about what could happen.

'I'd hate to lose people or get myself hurt.

'If I did tell them, would they treat me like a girl?'

In Scotland, Natalie is spending more and more time in Aberdeen

so she can wear her girls' clothes.

She's finding it really difficult being Kieran at home,

and is still very much at loggerheads with her mum.

You've got to learn from your mistakes.

But this is one hell of a big mistake, if it turns out to be one.

Kieran's always been one for attention seeking.

He likes the limelight, and this is another little phase,

that he's now in a group that are different from the norm.

But if he ends up going through with an operation to change his gender,

then that's too late, you can't do anything about that.

That's why I want to make sure that he is actually doing the right thing

and he's totally positive.

Cos he's still very young. He's only coming up for 18.

And I think it's a very, very life-changing decision to make

at such a young age.

I just wish he wasn't doing it, I still wish he wasn't doing it,

I still wish he was staying Kieran.

'There's just too much tension in the house,

'and it makes me feel so uncomfortable.

'I'm always expecting it to turn into an argument,

'because of the atmosphere.

'My mum isn't comfortable with me being myself, but I can't be happy,

'being someone I'm not.

'She wants me to be Kieran, her son, but I am not a boy.

'I am Natalie, and I wish she'd see me as her own daughter.'

Steering wheel, please! Steering wheel, please!

I want to speak to Kieran to explain how I'm feeling,

basically to tell him how worried I am,

how scared I am for the future for him.

So, you're a boy who wants to be a girl.

No, I'm a girl that's in the wrong body.

So I'm not changing gender, I'm just changing sex.

I'm still very worried for you.

You've changed, you don't want to be part of our family anymore.

I don't feel right when everyone says "he" and everyone says "Kieran".

Well, sorry, that's who you are, you're Kieran.

You're not comfortable being Kieran here, yeah?

-We're not comfortable you being Natalie here.

-Why?

Because I won't have the other children...

Somebody's already asked why you're wearing girls' things in your hair.

I find they're far too young...

Yeah, but why not when they're in bed? What's stopping you there?

-Cos I don't want you being Natalie in my house.

-why not?

Because I don't, I know you as Kieran.

You said you been like this for years. Sorry, you haven't.

Why did you always want your hair short, then?

You used to moan at your brother about,

"Oh, you can't wear your hair long, you need your hair short."

So if you wanted to be a girl,

why did you always insist on your hair short, then?

Maybe cos I couldn't tell you things,

-cos the way you react about things.

-No...

We've spoken about loads of things. We spoke about sex,

we spoke about losing virginity.

But a lot of the things I've been doing recently,

you've not reacted well to it, and that's why I've been telling you

less and less. That's why I've been distancing myself so much.

You will not be Natalie until you move out,

so that's plain and simple.

If you don't like the rules, move out.

I'm not the one that's being totally weird and alien here.

Cos I'm being weird and alien(!)

At this moment in time, you're not making yourself feel

part of this family.

You're making yourself feel like an alien in this family.

To put it bluntly, you can't be bothered with anybody else

and you only think of yourself,

and it's like, "Me, me, me," all the time.

"Now, ooh, I suddenly want to be a girl."

So cos I'm not a goody-two-shoes Christian and straight,

then that makes me an attention-seeker?

You've always been attention-seeking, Kieran.

You've got two choices. Stay here and abide by the rules,

or move out and do what you like.

It would be nice if just once you could actually say "Nat" to me.

-No, cos I've already told you, I won't call you Nat.

-Exactly.

-I've already told you I won't.

-Exactly.

I will call you Kieran. You will be Kieran,

you will also be my eldest son.

-Exactly.

-Not eldest daughter.

Sorry, I've never had a daughter. I am trying my best.

If it's not good enough, then really, that's tough.

So, I'm a little bit upset,

but I'm a little bit relieved, too, that he now knows how I feel.

It was to be expected, really.

If he can't be Natalie here, then he has to move out.

Basically, you don't stay somewhere that you don't like.

I'm glad he knows now how I feel.

I don't think she sees this is how I've always been like.

She always thinks it's just something that's come around.

But it's not.

It's just not something you can control, really,

and people might think it's a choice, but the only choice is

to either come out or try and deal with it by yourself.

'Having to keep my sexuality a secret from the other girls on my course

'kind of makes me feel like I'm lying to them.

'I think that having to hide who I am from them is a little bit sad,

'in all honesty, because they can talk about their boyfriends,

'whereas I have to lie to them.

'It's not something that I can just choose to be.

'It just happened, and it's the way I am.

'If I could choose, would they really think I'd choose this life?'

Tori has been with girlfriend Courtney for five months.

She wants to be able to be open about their relationship.

Are you going to tell them at college?

I think I might tell them next week,

on Tuesday, cos it's our last day anyway,

so it'll give them the whole of the Christmas holidays

-to let it settle a bit.

-How do you think you're going to tell them?

Probably slip it into a conversation, I'll just say,

"Do you know what? Courtney's actually a girl."

Did you tell them I'm a boy?

One of the girls saw my background,

and it was obviously us two, isn't it,

and I was like, "No, that's my boyfriend."

They went, "Oh, it looks like a girl."

I was like, "Yeah, he gets that a lot."

So I'm a boy that looks like a girl but is actually a girl.

I don't want to keep you a secret. I could have told them,

but I didn't want them to react just yet.

Cos I wanted them to know me first.

You'd only been there for, like, a week.

Otherwise, I would have told them.

But you being a lesbian is you.

I know, but some people don't like it.

'I'm more nervous than scared to come out at college.

'Due to the actions I've had in the past.

'I hope nobody sees me differently.

'I've taken the time to let them know me for me,

'and not Tori the lesbian predator.

'However, part of me is excited to tell them,

'just to not have to lie to them about who I am anymore.'

It's the morning of the last day of term.

Tori has decided today's the day she's going to come out to her classmates.

I'm feeling quite nervous, because of what happened last year.

But I'm also quite excited, in case they do take it quite well.

I just want to stop having to lie about who I am at college

to my friends, and they deserve to know.

Hey, Mama.

-Hey darling, you all right?

-Mmm-hmm.

-How you feeling?

-All right.

-Are you nervous about today?

More excited, to be honest. I'm not going to tell them, though,

until the end of the day, rather than at the beginning,

cos that way they've got the whole of the Christmas holidays

to let it settle. And if they don't like it,

I'll just be like, "All right, see you after Christmas, bye!"

All you can do is be yourself. They can like it or lump it,

but I have got my phone if you need me!

I'll let you know, definitely. I'll just give you a text.

-OK, make sure you do, or I'll be texting you to find out.

-OK.

In Hull, Jamie is getting ready to leave for university.

Each day he puts on a binder to flatten his breasts

-and give him a more masculine shape.

-I'll show you what it looks like on.

So, this is the fact it's like a half top,

but then it is very much squishing my boobs down right now.

It is quite painful, mainly the front, and the shoulders and back,

but also under my arms as well,

sometimes it can really nip in under my arms

and be really painful and kind of... If anyone ever saw my boobs,

just in the life, they are, like, the worst boobs you've ever seen,

just because I've never, ever worn a bra that would hold them properly,

and they've always been squashed down.

I have the boobs of an old lady!

Not good! At university, I could definitely not go without a binder.

I can barely go out the house to the local shop without a binder on,

so there's no chance I could go to university without a binder on.

'I still keep wondering if I'm deceiving people by not telling them.

'But to me, if I'm telling someone, the difference between me and them is

'what's under my clothes, and why should that matter?

'Although I still feel dishonest. But if I told people,

'I'm convinced they'd treat me differently. I don't want that.'

Jamie worries most about not telling his closest friends,

especially Marek.

Marek's a really nice guy. I've known him since last year.

He doesn't know, which is a little bit scary. But we get on.

So at the moment, he's one of the people I think, "Should I tell him,

"should I not tell him?" But I don't know what I'm going to do yet.

-All right?

-All right?

-Do you want a drink?

-Yeah, why not?

Can we have a Carlsberg and a coke, please?

-Pints of each?

-Yeah, please.

Have you had any lectures today at all?

Er, no. I've got a meeting later

and then I've got a lecture, so fun times!

Fun times indeed, man!

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

Let's go.

-I'll let you break, because I'm dreadful.

-OK, fair enough.

Boys being boys, as ever, the talk turns to girls.

-Good game!

-Good game!

Don't you think it's really weird,

the fact we have so many guys in computer science?

It's literally 1% girls, if that.

Our chances of meeting someone on our course are seriously low.

-Yeah, it's pretty stupid, yeah.

-It's about three people or something!

I don't really think the girls

on our course are my type, anyway, really.

What kind of girl do you think is your type?

Nice is important to me.

I don't want anyone that will treat me like crap, really.

Not into that. How about you?

If she's good looking, that's a plus, but it's not necessary.

As long as they're nice, they're friendly,

it's what counts in a person.

They've got a good soul, like, heart, basically.

So many people are so quick to judge,

-you've got to get to know a person first.

-Obviously, yeah.

If they're nice, then it doesn't necessarily mean

they have to be a model or anything. It doesn't matter.

I have known Jamie for a about a year and half, I'd say.

He's a really nice guy, he's really friendly.

He's just, like, easy to talk to. Like, if you have any problems,

you could easily go up to him and speak to him.

I don't think Marek's got a clue.

With Marek, I did find the girl chat awkward

cos I feel I've got to be careful what I say to people,

especially what I'm saying to him.

I don't want to give myself away and accidently come out.

Jamie just wants to be a regular guy like Marek, without all his worries,

and he'd love to meet a girlfriend too.

But he can't get past the fact that he feels like he's deceiving people.

It's something he spends hours agonising over with his sister Emily.

-I'd love you to get a girlfriend. I'd absolutely love it!

-Why?

-It would be someone extra to go shopping with!

-Oh, OK.

I dunno, I think it would be nice to see you with someone as well.

I just worry that if I was with somebody, and then they found out

and I couldn't give them...

the sex that they wanted

then they would either look elsewhere

or wish they had looked elsewhere.

You can still have proper sex with somebody,

male sex with somebody,

but it might just not be...

with your own penis. It could be with...

There are things out there that you can use, there really are.

You shy away from everything like that.

Run away! Not even shy away, run away!

I feel I'm being dishonest if I don't tell them straightaway.

I feel I'm almost deceiving somebody if I wait all that time.

But you're not lying.

But in a way I am, because...

-cos I am, really.

-But you're not.

-You don't walk around going, "I have a penis!"

-Walk around with it out.

-Exactly!

So you're not lying.

I don't know. Mum jokes I should tell people it got shot off in the war.

I'm like, no, that joke's never, ever going to work! That's a bad joke!

I was talking to Emily tonight.

She was giving me the girl talk. I know I'm too shy

but I find it really hard to take any advice and become more confident.

I definitely feel like I'm carrying a secret

and I think me not telling people

makes me feel like I can't get close to people at university.

I wish I had just been born a boy.

It would have made my life so much easier.

After the argument with her mum,

Natalie is in Aberdeen seeing friend Simone.

I don't think my mum understands that it isn't a phase.

It's not something you choose to do just for a year

and go, "Well, this year I'm going to be this."

You know, everyone wants to have their family accept them

and always be there for them

and my mum has said she'd always be there for me and support me

but I can't see how that's going to work out

if she isn't going to be able to accept me like this at all.

-Hey.

-Hi.

-How are you?

-I'm good.

-Coming in?

-Yeah.

Where were you today?

I was in Edinburgh.

-I bet you were glad to be away from home.

-Yeah.

How's the situation at home just now?

Not much better, really.

-Is your mum still the same?

-Yeah.

She basically said I could get surgery,

I could be on hormones and everything and she'd still see me as her son.

Ouch.

Do you think it'll ever improve?

-No, I'm going to have to move out pretty soon, haven't I?

-Yeah.

Cos I just dread going home and...

It's awful, really.

-You OK?

-Yeah.

-Need a hug?

-Yeah.

-OK.

I couldn't imagine that.

I think I have to really consider moving out, as home life is getting really stressful.

but I just can't afford to move anywhere just now.

On the plus side, I have managed to get some work experience

where I'm working as Nat.

So therefore, I can be working as myself.

Hi there.

Very much.

Today's the day Natalie finds out if she'll be offered proper paid work.

It could mean she's able to move out from home.

Everyone here knows the situation

and it's given her the freedom to talk openly

-about calling herself Natalie.

-What do you prefer, Nat or Natalie?

Both are fine.

I'm the same with Daniel or Danny.

-I'd be the same as well.

-Yeah, cos of Christopher.

I always find Christopher makes it sound like I'm being told off by my parents.

THEY LAUGH

My mum was worried that I wouldn't get a job because I was trans

but really, it doesn't cause any problems at all.

I definitely feel a lot more freer while I'm at work than I do at home.

I guess because everyone here can accept me as me,

while at home I'd get told off and have to get changed and things.

-I'll catch you about half 12, before I leave, yeah?

-OK.

-Have a wee chat with you. OK?

-Sure.

-Cheers.

My boss just asked me to have a chat at 12:30

but I don't know what it's about.

It would be great if he could offer me a more permanent place here. Yeah.

-Right, so it's your last day.

-Yeah.

How do you think your three weeks has progressed so far?

I think it's gone pretty well.

Well, I've had some good comments from the staff

who've felt you've been part of our team.

-We'd like to offer you a Christmas temp job with us.

-Sure.

-How would you feel about that?

-I'd be very pleased with that, yeah.

-You'd be a good asset for us over Christmas time.

-OK,

so I'll be back on Monday, then?

Yeah. Paid!

-OK, well done. Thank you.

-Ta.

Yeah, it is brilliant news, yeah, it's really brilliant news.

All that adds up to me being able to become a little more independent too.

I could think about moving out.

Now that I've got some money.

Nat explained to us at the time what she was going through.

There was one or two maybe raised eyebrows at the start

but since then,

everyone's just adjusted to it

and started calling her "her" rather than "him".

Back at home, Arlene has decided

she wants to try and reconnect with Natalie.

Basically, he went for a job as Nat

and got the job as Nat.

I thought he was playing sillies and just wanted a bit of attention,

but he's obviously taking this serious, so that's why I'm...

not softening a bit, but trying to compromise a little bit on him too.

I'm going to ask him, if he's going to go shopping,

if he wants help to try and choose clothes,

just to try and...see if I can help.

Kieran!

It's a big step because Arlene wants to try shopping for girl's clothes.

Come here a minute, please.

Yeah?

I'd like for us to get to know each other again.

We're not the way we used to be.

It depends on... if you're willing to accept

that I'm not Kieran.

But you have to understand, this is all suddenly pounced on me

that you want to be Nat.

And I can't suddenly change my feelings

from loving a son to loving a daughter.

It would be nice if you could call me Nat at least once or twice

and not say it as if it's two different people.

You are two different people.

Because you don't want to dress as Kieran any more.

You want to dress as Nat.

Here I have to not be myself

and I have be someone else.

No, you're Kieran that you've been for 18 years.

No.

No? OK, so who are you then?

I'm always Natalie, all the time.

But I'm just a lot more quiet about it while I'm here.

I want to try and get back some communication between us.

Cos I love YOU.

I always will do, whether you're Natalie or Kieran

-and you know that.

-Mm-hmm.

'I think my mum is trying to work things out between us

'but I don't know how that's going to go.

'If one of us says something, we could end up starting a fight.'

I'm still kind of worried it's going to go really, really wrong.

Tori has been struggling with telling her beauty college friends that she's gay.

She's talked to her teachers and they've been really supportive.

Her plan now is to come out after college today,

starting with classmates Kadie and Holly,

who have no idea she's a lesbian.

I find bikini lines quite awkward.

You have to watch what you say and can't talk about them behind their backs. So unprofessional.

I never talked to someone, like, say if I had like a client come in

and they were just completely like a beast...

A werewolf comes in!

Exactly, I too, I'd be like,

"Oh, my God! Did you see that girl? She's a beast."

I'd be like, "I need help in here!"

-"I need an extra set of arms!"

-Hedge trimmers!

It's always awkward when the chat turns to boyfriends.

The person I'm seeing at the moment,

-I don't think they like that I'm a beauty therapist.

-Why?

Cos like, if I see like his nails...

-I do that.

-Or see his eyebrows, I'm like absolutely, "ew".

And I have to do his eyebrows.

I done his nails last night and I done his eyebrows.

I was saying to mine about doing a back crack and sack

and he was like, "No!"

It's so funny, their reactions are like, "What? Are you serious?"

And I'll be like, "I've booked you in," and they're like, "What?"

It annoys me sometimes, because they can talk about their boyfriends

and I can't really talk about Court

but I'm hoping that when I tell them

everything will be sorted and I won't have to hide it

and hopefully I'll feel comfortable talking about it with them.

I guess the only way I'm going to know is when I tell them.

Huh?

No.

Thank you!

Right, what I want you to do

is to set up your trolleys to do a mini manicure.

Tori has to deal with a normal day in class,

knowing she'll be coming out in a couple of hours.

I'm also a bit excited but now I'm also really nervous

which isn't good

but I'll be fine.

It's the end of the day

and finally time for Tori to tell her classmates.

Tori's friend Rosie, who already knows, is joining her.

-Cheers.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

-What have we been talking about?

-Beyonce.

-About her little baby bump.

I've got some news, right.

I'm not pregnant, but...

Good!

Basically, I've been lying to you

saying I'm straight when actually I'm a lesbian.

-You really?

-Yeah.

-Are you actually? So Courtney's a girl?

-Yeah.

I kind of had an inkling you were anyway

cos whenever we would be talking about guys

you'd be sitting there, just like...

You'd be like, "What about your boyfriend?"

-I'd be like, "Yeah, he's great."

-Why were you nervous?

-Cos of how we would react?

-Yeah.

Why wouldn't we be OK with it?

It's not exactly going to change who you are. You're still you.

Cos last year, when I was doing hair,

everyone was like, "What?"

Did you get labelled as the lesbian?

It was "Tor the gross lesbian" or something like that.

I was really paranoid because

you know we have to do bikini lines and stuff,

I was worried in case someone found out and then was like,

"I do not want YOU doing my bikini line."

I wouldn't really care if a lesbian was doing my bikini line.

-It's their job to do that.

-It's not like anyone's hitting on you, is it?

It's just, hair needs to be removed.

It's like, if a man came in

for a back sack and crack and a woman did it,

he won't be like, "Oh my God, she'll hit on me!"

They don't do that. They're just like, "I hope she's fit."

Knowing that you know makes me feel so much more relieved

and more like I can be me, if that makes sense.

Feeling really good, cos they took it so well

and oh, just happy!

Cos they know now and I don't have to lie

and then everyone else is going to know! And then, ooh!

As soon as she told us, she seemed so relieved.

I'm so happy she could actually, like, trust us.

I think, by telling them, I've made us closer together, like as friends.

Ah, it's just so good. We can chat about anything now.

And they know Courtney is a girl, which is even better.

I think the other girls on the course will be fine with it.

Everyone seems to be really nice on the course.

Everyone loves Tori already in the class, don't they?

I'm really looking forward to going back after Christmas now

cos I just can be like, to anyone else, "Guess what?"

"I am gay!"

Back in Hull, Jamie is having his testosterone injection.

Jamie Walmsley, please.

Fitting in as one of the guys

and being as close as he can physically to a boy

is really important to Jamie.

It's part of his life that he can't share with his university friends.

At the moment, I would probably say

I was kind of 70% a guy.

You know, the chest surgery is still a massive, massive thing for me.

That's going to help me get to 85%.

Since I started the testosterone injections

I've noticed loads of changes,

mainly in my voice, my voice has dropped a lot,

facial hair, body hair, I used to have really big hips and a big bum

and now I have more of a man shape. I think.

I do wish quite often that I didn't have to be trans

and I had just been born naturally as a guy.

It'd have made everything a lot easier.

MUSIC: "The Dog" by Slow Club

Jamie is hoping to have chest surgery

and both his breasts removed in the next three months.

# I used to think you were a boy... #

But despite doing all that he can to become a complete guy,

Jamie is still worried that he is deceiving his closest friends.

'I think of myself as a very honest person

'so feeling like I'm carrying a secret

'holds me back from getting close to people.

'I love hanging out with my friend Marek at uni

'but it's really painful feeling like I'm lying to him.

'I worry so much that if friends find out, they'll get angry with me

'or accuse me of deceiving them.

'I couldn't cope with that if it happened with Marek.'

Jamie and his sister Emily

are off to a university Rag fundraising event,

and Marek is going to be there.

MUSIC: "Single Ladies" by Beyonce

Thanks very much.

-How well do you think the dancers did?

-Really good, yeah.

They were awesome. I thought they were so good.

If the girls are pretty,

that's probably why they get a crowd around them.

-They are all really pretty.

-Yes, very.

Do you think after doing this, you'll get more involved with Rag?

I do think I should get more involved.

I just...I don't know. I should.

I think you should definitely come out more, Jamie.

It's been another day with Marek not knowing the truth.

Jamie has to come to a decision about whether to tell him.

Natalie has struggled for six months with mum Arlene about being a girl.

But working at Argos as Natalie

has made Arlene realise how serious she is.

Arlene has suggested a shopping trip together to rebuild some bridges.

We seem to have had a good relationship, Kieran and I.

But lately, it's not been that good,

and I want to...rekindle that a bit, hopefully.

So that's the whole thing of going out today,

to basically try and spend some time and to communicate again,

because we don't seem to speak any more.

It would make me feel a lot happier

if my mum could just call me Natalie.

We're going on a shopping trip to Aberdeen,

where I'm most comfortable being myself,

and where me and my friends hang out, who are all accepting.

I really hope this goes well.

She has never seen me as myself before.

And I hope nothing goes wrong.

It'll be nice for us to spend some time together,

whether we get on or not.

Yeah.

-I do still love you, you know.

-I know. It's just...difficult.

Are you going to get boots or a T-shirt, or tops and things?

-I shall see what I find.

-OK. Any particular colours?

-No.

-Oh, well.

Well, at least, if nothing else,

we'll be able to spend some time with each other.

That's nice.

That's got long sleeves, and it's not too flowery and whatever.

That one?

-Are you going to try it on?

-Sure.

How's that?

-Mm-hmm. That looks all right.

-Exactly.

Yeah, I like that. That's nice.

So this is the first shopping trip we've done

where he's bought girly things.

So it's very strange, but it's...

It's not as bad and it's not as scary as I thought.

Ta-da!

-It's really strange seeing you in a dress.

-Because I'm a lesbian?

Because what you had on before was a T-shirt.

Boys and girls both wear T-shirts.

But it's just...

It's just very... strange.

That's nice on but I think it looks too tight.

I think that looks too tight.

Well, it would double up as a dress.

It would do, with tights or black leggings,

and nice boots with a heel.

Exactly.

Yeah.

I know it'll take a while for you to get used to it.

-I'm getting used to it. I'm coming round to the idea.

-Yeah.

It still doesn't mean I'm totally comfortable with this,

but I'm at least trying.

Yeah.

it's a bit scary seeing him in, like, a nice posh dress.

So...it's something I'm going to have to get used to,

but I think today's going really well so far.

I still don't think I can call Kieran Nat.

Um...I don't know...

Just doesn't seem right.

-Receipts OK in the bag?

-Yeah, that's perfect, thanks.

Lunch!

-Get the energy back, yeah?

-Yes! Thanks a lot.

-Going out this way?

-Sure.

-Thanks. Bye.

So what do you think?

Tuna melt. I'm going to be boring.

So how do you think it's going, then?

-Not too bad. I thought it would be a lot worse.

-In what way?

-I don't know.

Like, you might not have liked what I chose to wear.

You might...call me "he" an awful lot more.

I am...I am trying not to.

It's something I'm working on. And I think of what I'm saying.

-Yeah.

-I'm not shocked as I thought I would be.

Good.

I thought I would be quite shocked and emotional,

and I just wouldn't accept seeing you in a girly top.

Well, it does show you're trying,

cos you did buy the top for me. And it shows that you are supportive.

It's better than I thought.

-It's good you like it too.

-I don't like it as much as the other one.

< SHE LAUGHS

-Well, tough.

-It's nice to see you smiling.

-Yeah.

-Cos it's not often I see you smiling nowadays.

-Exactly.

So, yeah, I'm having a nice time.

And if we don't get round everything today,

we can always come back another day.

The shopping trip with my mum went really well.

I expected it to get awkward, but nothing bad happened,

so it's all good.

My mum also bought me a lovely dress, and didn't call me her son

to anyone in the shops. Although there's still a lot to go,

my mum has taken steps in the right direction,

which is making me feel a lot happier too.

I've decided to tell Marek, and today is the day.

I'm so nervous. I really hope he doesn't take it badly.

He seems a great guy, and I want to be a better friend.

I need to be honest. Hopefully,

it just won't matter and nothing will change.

I really don't want to end up being treated like a girl.

You're not worrying about it, are you?

I always worry about it.

It's a scary thing to do, to just tell somebody.

If it holds you back, you should tell who you need to tell and do what you need to do.

But at the same time, if I tell people,

it's going to hold me back just as much, but in a different way.

-If I tell people, I'm just going to be treated like a girl.

-No.

I don't think so. You've gone too far along the path

of testosterone and your voice and appearance and everything.

Nobody's going to treat you as a girl.

You think they're going to start opening doors for you

and being polite and not swearing in front of you and stuff like that?

You don't think you're brave, but I think you're brave.

-You are brave.

-I don't feel brave.

-You are, Jay.

You should be really proud of yourself. I'm really proud of you.

I just keep my hair short and wear boys' clothes and stuff.

Jamie's off to uni, where he's arranged

to hook up with Marek for a drink at the end of the day.

I'm about to meet Marek and tell him about the fact that I'm trans,

and I'm really nervous.

Worrying that something bad will happen, that he'll be weirded out

or not want to talk to me or just be awkward. I just want it to go OK.

I'm really, really scared about telling him,

so just nervous, really, really nervous.

Jamie has decided he wants to tell Marek off camera.

Went much better than I expected! Basically, I told him,

and he was just like "cool", and then just carried on chatting to me.

I'm really happy that Jamie's told me, cos I feel

that he obviously trusts me as a friend, so therefore I can trust him

with whatever I want to say

if there's anything I come to him about.

I just feel so much better about it now. I was so worried.

I felt awful...not really for nothing,

but nothing bad happened, so so pleased.

I would have never guessed it,

so it's like no-one would know because it's not easy to guess.

I suppose before I started having injections

and stuff which give me the hormones,

I was more girly and I came across as being just a really butch girl.

You'll still be like one of the lads

and we'll still go out for drinks and stuff, so it's all good.

That's cool. Cos that's always the thing I worry about with people.

There's people I've told before,

but then immediately, people see me as a girl, and I'm not a girl.

So sometimes I find that hard, being treated differently.

But that's really cool that you think that.

I'm glad that you told me.

-That's cool. I'm glad I told you too.

-Cool.

Jamie, Natalie and Tori

have all come out to the world in their own way.

All the girls on Tori's beauty course now know she's a lesbian,

and it means she can be open about her girlfriend, Courtney.

I think my friendship with the girls is going to be stronger now.

I'm just me, and no secrets.

Now I feel like I can just go out

and tell them anything and be who I really am.

It's been a revelation to Jamie that even though he was born a girl,

good friends like Marek still consider him a boy.

When Marek said that he still saw me as one of the lads, I was so happy.

I think I'll feel much more confident going out and getting more involved

at university, which I'm delighted about.

For Natalie, things are still up and down at home,

but she's about to start family counselling with mum Arlene

to help them work through things together.

I'm really proud of who I am,

and I think my mum is trying hard to accept me as Natalie.

Hopefully in the future, my mum can be proud of me too.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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