Kicked Out Kids

Across the country, behind closed doors,

young people and their parents are locked in a daily battle of wills.

Stefanie, save my hot water, please.

-You can shift that glass out.

-I'm not done with it.

Normally, families survive the upsets and come out intact,

but some teenagers end up being kicked out for good.

He called me when they got home and said that I'm kicked out

and then he locked the doors.

When I did go into care, it was because Mum had a breakdown

caused by me misbehaving and the stress I was putting her under.

I want my mum to say that she loves me

or hug me sometimes and stuff, but she doesn't do that.

There is hope for families on the brink.

Mediators in local councils and charities in Britain

can help young people resolve issues with their parents

before it's too late.

Hello.

Your dad hasn't had a practice run

at bringing a teenage daughter up, has he?

This film follows mediators in Wakefield, South Wales and London

over four months as they try to bring three families back together.

I do say, it is your daughter, it is your son at the end of the day.

We can do our best but they do still belong to you.

Don't you dare!

This programme contains some strong language.

Charlotte is 16.

She lived with her dad, Simon, until five months ago

when he told her he didn't want her there anymore.

I've compiled a list.

Attempted to use my bank cards online,

the amount attempted was over £600.

She got away with 75 quids worth of shoes or something.

No respect for me or Sarah or the house.

Untidy and lazy, theft of personal mementos.

I said, "Look, I've had enough, get out. It's my house."

Simon got so fed up with Charlotte

that he kicked her out a month before Christmas.

I had a party, so the house was quite a mess

and then I left before he got home from work

and he called me.

When I got home, he said that I'm kicked out

and then he locked the doors.

He used to do it every week and I was getting used to it.

I thought he'd let me back in a few days.

It ended up being over a month.

Mediators, Sonia and Steph, work for the YMCA.

They help young people who have fallen out with their parents

and have nowhere to live. They're visiting Simon and Charlotte.

We received a referral.

Charlotte had turned up saying she was homeless.

She was able to stay with dad's friend,

but when I spoke to dad's friend,

he was saying, no, it's only another couple of nights.

We contacted Charlotte and I arranged to meet her in Wakefield.

She didn't have a right lot to say.

Then we contacted the father and straightaway,

Dad was ringing me quite a lot on an evening when he had finished work,

which told us that he was quite desperate for some help.

I think possibly drugs may have been involved or alcohol.

She wasn't at home much, she was staying in Leeds.

It was a case of spot Charlotte.

She was like the Scarlet Pimpernel

and eventually she started picking her phone up

and we started getting Simon involved, her dad,

to see what we could do to help to make it work at home.

There were, like... I think there were one night

when I didn't actually have anywhere to go that night.

It wasn't good at all.

-Where did you go?

-I just stayed up all night.

There's a 24-hour Tesco near where I was

and I was just walking around there.

Did no-one ask you how you were?

-No.

-No-one took care of you?

-No.

That must have been really hard.

Who's this?

It could be family services. Who knows.

The mediators have persuaded Simon to let Charlotte back home

while they try to sort things out between them.

When Sonia and Steph first meet them,

father and daughter are barely on speaking terms.

Again, thank you for inviting us.

We've invited ourselves today, haven't we?

We need to build up this agreement of a little contract

which I mentioned earlier.

Many a time, you go in and the lack of communication,

it's been going on for such a long time that they don't know

how to talk to each other until a third party goes in.

You listen to the things that are there in your face to start with.

Like, you're saying it's because you don't make the bed.

This hasn't come to this because you didn't make your bed.

It can be whatever you want to make this contract.

Who wants to start?

Shall we go, you do one, you do one

and see how many we come up with?

It doesn't have to be massive, as long as they're important

and going to help relations between you.

When you go to bed, you don't actually go to bed.

Just kind of sleep on the sofa.

It would be better if you went to bed instead of the sofa.

Hearing him snoring, it's not nice.

Simon works shifts and often sleeps during the day,

so he and Charlotte hardly see each other.

Simon, have you got one?

No friends round while I'm on nights.

-Yeah. That's fine.

-Makes sense. You can see the reasons why.

Again, there's a little bit of catching up to do here, isn't there?

You know, we can't forget what's happened,

but we do want to move forward.

It's something I do find difficult to get in my head,

that it gets to the stage where they're asked to leave,

and it might be that they don't have friends to go to.

Bye.

I had a lot of young people, who've slept outside, and we've even known

this young person was in a garden shed

and their parents didn't know they were there for quite a few nights,

because that's the only place where they had to go.

I do struggle with that, definitely,

because it's introducing all kinds of risks.

Tyler is 14.

He's lived in Barry for the past five years,

but was moved around with his mum throughout his childhood.

I've been everywhere. We've moved to about 15 different houses.

Many places in Cardiff, Ely,

one in Manchester, one in... somewhere in Wales, don't know where.

I was quite young then.

I've been in things like refuges.

When I was younger, I'd swear, shout,

hit people, destroy property,

just be like a normal, say, eight-year-old,

but, 20 times worse.

I'd often get into trouble with the police.

I had an argument the night before my birthday.

I got so out of hand that the police actually had to

take me away into a Cardiff cell,

so I spent my birthday in a cell.

INTERVIEWER: Which birthday was that?

I think it was my 11th.

-So...

-Oh, that must have been really upsetting for you.

It was quite, yes.

-But they were great.

-They were great?

Yes, in the morning they offered me breakfast and stuff.

Tyler's relationship with his mum Gloria has always been difficult,

but two years ago, things broke down completely.

When I did go into care, it was because Mum had a breakdown

and partly caused by me misbehaving

and all the stress I put her under

and just the stress of general life, really.

This one particular day back in, I think it was June, July,

the year before last, I went down to social services

and I was kind of losing the plot.

I'd become really quite angered.

In fact, so much so, I made it clear at the time

that I didn't want Tyler around me any more.

I didn't even want him coming home from school that day.

I was scared of his changeable moods

and scared of how I was going to react to him.

I was actually frightened I was going to hurt him.

In retaliation, I can assure you, not for the fun of it.

I was in care for about seven months. Seven, eight months.

How was it that you came to be back home again?

Well, it was only, it was only... like a part-time thing.

But what my mum didn't realise

is she couldn't just take me back when...when she felt like it.

I had to be there for a minimum of six months.

So, whilst she was, you know, trying to get over the breakdown,

getting herself better, um... I was being shipped about everywhere.

In care, you don't get a sense of love.

It's their job.

You wouldn't hug one of your co-workers, would you? So...

-And you obviously love your mum and you're close to your mum?

-Yes.

How would you describe your mum?

I can't, she's brilliant.

Brilliant, amazing.

The way I'd describe him when he was a toddler,

it was like having a baby chimp.

He'd be climbing and bouncing on everything.

He was, oh, totally out of hand sometimes.

Even from a very early age he knew what he wanted,

he was really good with his speech.

Very good at getting his own way with his little tantrums.

He was quite a funny child as well.

Yes, he could be very, very strong.

He was always like the little man of the house, even when he was a toddler.

He'd try and run rings around me

and his sisters and sometimes it was quite funny as well.

He makes everybody realise

that he's this important little man in the world.

Over the years I've made him into that even more, probably.

You forget I exist only when you're filling your face.

Oh, God.

Gloria removed her son from the house once before

and it could happen again if they don't get help.

But if you eat them all tonight, I won't be buying any more tomorrow.

SHE LAUGHS

Liz works for the youth offending service.

She gives advice to parents whose teenagers are going off the rails.

'Tyler is the youngest.'

And I think there's been a massive over-compensation for Tyler.

He's almost been treated like a prince.

Being an adolescent young man,

Mum decided she wanted to put in rules

and Tyler sort of went, "No. That's not happening

"and you will do what I tell you to."

It's very difficult to have a lot of rationality about it

because it becomes a pattern of relating and behaviour.

OK, come on, Gloria, we'll go through here.

Liz has known Gloria and Tyler since they were in crisis in 2010.

She wants to help them work through the problems

that are emerging now Tyler's a teenager.

I'm interested in the shouting thing.

You know, it really seems to hit down deep that, you know,

it's offensive to you.

All he can think of is him, him, him, him.

What's not right for him, what's not done for him,

what's not bought for him.

Oh, you haven't done all the washing today

and I'll sometimes be really sarcastic

and say, "Whoopee-doo! No, I haven't."

I'll say, "But when you've been excluded for the last two days,

"what have you done either at home to help me?"

-I'll say, "Naff all."

-And here we go again.

-Yes.

And it couldn't be helped, he can't, his mouth runs away with him.

I'm afraid by that time, so does mine.

Quite rightly so, do you not think? You know?

"Would you go to the shop and get me that? Have you brought my pop?"

Well, I think, you cheeky little bugger.

You know, I'm not your slave.

I have been up until recently but now I'm feeling annoyed.

OK, can I just stop you there and explain what's happening to you?

Yes, I get so worked up, that's what's happening.

-I feel full of venom then.

-I don't want to be in your kitchen!

I really do feel full of venom then, Liz.

But you've got there, in those seconds

and Tyler's not even in the room, Gloria.

So can you see how you play into it?

If you have a shouty house, odds-on, your young people will shout.

Because that's how you get listened to, you shout.

So it sounds like he's emulating you when he comes in.

I don't know who he's emulating but it's not funny any longer.

What I would say is, who else would he be emulating?

-Because there's you and him that live in the house, yes?

-Mmm.

Parents quite quickly go into teenage mode.

They either go from being the authoritative parent,

"You will do as I tell you!"

and when a young person goes, "No, I won't!", they go, "Yes, you will!"

and so, off they go again and they're head-to-head.

And so when you're indignantly saying,

"I'm doing this, I'm doing this, I'm doing this

"and look what you give me in return."

It's really, this is when it starts falling on the no-listening ears.

It's not because they're being ignorant,

it's because this stuff up here is so busy and full of other stuff,

Mum or Dad is way down there in the pecking order.

The dog will probably come before Mum or Dad.

I just...I'm at the end of my tether with it all,

to be honest, there's so much going on.

Tyler has ADHD and takes medication which helps him think more clearly

and controls his behaviour.

One of the battlegrounds between him

and his mum is over remembering to take his tablets.

The moods aren't just sort of, you know, normal,

day-to-day having a bad morning mood or something like that.

They can become really full on

and difficult to cope with and be in the same room with.

I've never, like, hit her or anything.

I become quite verbally aggressive, say, you're this, that and the other

and, you know, really put her down.

And then I don't think of what I'm doing until I've done them.

Sort of, shoot now and ask questions later sort of thing.

Two sugars. Can you get the milk, please?

Tyler got so out of control that social services

took his brother Keith and sister Jade away from the family home.

Why did you both leave home?

-Because of Tyler.

-Tyler.

When Tyler cracked my head open, I moved out.

In a way, it was still half my choice but I didn't really want to.

The social services and Action For Children thought,

cos of my mum, that both me and Keith had to move out. I mean...

I hadn't done anything wrong. We all had the arguments, right?

-That's my point. He was moved out.

-But there was a problem with Jade.

Just because when me and Tyler had a fight and he cracked my head open,

social services thought it was unsafe.

At the end of the day, fair enough with me, but why Keith?

Yes.

Jade, Keith and Tyler are the youngest of Gloria's seven children.

The three of them have different fathers,

none of whom are around any more.

They weren't here to discipline us

and they didn't do what dads did,

take their sons to a football game or go to the park.

So you never had a father figure?

Er, well, I think the longest,

for about two, three months?

He left me a couple of days before... No, day after, or Christmas?

-Christmas Day he walked out.

-Yes, Christmas Day, he walked out.

Took my present with him.

My real father, my Italian father that was with my mum,

it was almost the same year he said to my mum,

I'll stay with you if you get rid of Keith.

There's a lot of male pigs out there.

Not only were the boys' fathers absent,

some of their mum's other partners were violent.

To help stop him following in their footsteps,

Tyler's meeting Max, a mentor from a domestic violence charity.

Tyler presents really well.

At first glance, you think, wow, what's the problem?

But he's witnessed things a 10, 11, 12, 13-year-old child shouldn't see.

Max and Tyler meet twice a week.

More than just being someone Tyler can talk to,

Max is looking for ways he can help stop the conflict at home.

-Which one is yours?

-Oh, that's mine.

-Oh, come on, mate. Get a grip.

-Jesus, look at that thing.

-That is quite nice.

-There you go, mate.

It's got a little wooden, oh, there it goes.

I'm only guessing but what you'll probably find is,

certain situations arise and time and again are certain things,

they feel like they're totally different but what happens,

there'll be something going around, I don't know...

..you don't feel listened to, which may or may not be true,

so if you don't feel listened to,

what tends to happen then is you'll flare up.

Does that make sense? It's a matter of finding ways

to let your mum know she needs to listen more.

All right, geezer?

'Part of what I do is slowly allowing this stuff to surface

'in a safe way and say, this is OK.

'It's part of you and he doesn't have to erupt into a fit of anger.'

15-year-old Viviana and her younger sister Stephanie

urgently need help to save their relationship with Mum, Fernanda.

< Shut up, no-one's talking to you, no-one invited you.

-It doesn't matter.

-No-one invited you.

-Do you wonder why though?

-No-one invited you.

-Do you wonder why...?

-Shush!

Why are you here?

Why are YOU here? Mum's fed up of you.

Just get out of this house, disappear.

-No-one would even notice.

-Kill yourself.

-That's what Mum wants YOU to do.

-Stop it.

-That's what Mum wants YOU to do as well.

-Fuck off!

That's what Mum wants you to do as well and guess what, to you, you imbecile, fuck yourself.

-Shush!

-'It feels like shit, to live here every single day,

'it really does.'

There has to be an argument every day.

This house cannot go out without one.

Stephanie, no child is happy going to school!

When are you going to get that in your thick skull?

The sisters share a bedroom and lack of personal space is a major issue.

'My sister, she is always on her phone.

'When I say, "Please, can you come off it", she's like, "oh, no",

and she continues, and I can hear the clicking of her phone

and that just drives me crazy.

In the morning, her alarm is ringing at five o'clock in the morning.

If you don't wake up at five, why are you putting your alarm on?

She irritates me, really.

When she tells me to do this and do that,

and then she says, "Oh, stop clicking",

or "Stop playing music" when she's watching something,

when, if you wanted to, you could put the TV up.

-Did you leave my blazer in the sitting-room?

-No, no, sorry.

Where do you think it is? Her bedroom or her wardrobe, what?

The rows aren't only between the two sisters.

I need a holiday, I'm going soon.

Their mum and dad's relationship turned sour

before he eventually left four years ago.

Arguments have been a constant feature of family life.

Stephanie, save my hot water, please.

All the time, she's having a bath,

the full tank of water has to be for her.

Now, their mum Fernanda runs the household,

holding down two jobs to keep her children clothed and fed.

Stress has taken its toll on all of them.

There's me and my mum.

Now we're not like that.

SHE SIGHS

When I was younger,

I used to love when my mum and my dad used to tuck me in,

cos I used to feel some stability and I wouldn't want to come out of bed

cos I felt like they'd tucked me in a certain position

and I just felt stability and love.

Like, I remember when I was little, like, I used to get my mum

to wipe my bum for me and then she would just say I'm a big girl

but I was only little and, like,

I had my dummy till, like, I was about...seven.

Yesterday was a tsunami.

My friend called me to say, "Oh...

"There's a fight at home." You know?

"It's between Viviana, Stephanie." You know?

I said, "Is there? A fight?

"When they're getting tired, they stop. Don't worry about that."

-Do you know what they were fighting about?

-Oh, headphones.

That was the cause of the fight. In the morning.

Since in the morning, it finished night-time. And then...

..about make-ups, foundation, this, that, that, that, that.

And even sometimes, I'm sitting here

and I close the kitchen door so I cannot...

I can't hear them, you know?

The family is at breaking point

and shouting or sulking has become the standard way of communicating.

Issues in the past meant social services got involved.

Viviana and Stephanie have been in foster care before,

along with their younger brother Daniel.

This could happen again if there's no sign of improvements.

But things weren't always like this.

Viviana, Daniel.

That one's, er, Stephanie.

If I could turn the clock back, I would turn the clock back.

SHE CHUCKLES

But now it's too late. I can't do that.

Fernanda may feel things will never be as good as they once were

but Viviana and Stephanie

are determined to do something to improve life at home.

The girls are meeting Mel and Frim from Southwark Mediation to see if they can help.

Me and my sister, we argue a lot.

We have a lot of, like, disagreements with each other.

We don't really listen to each other that well and then, like,

petty little arguments will start and then we'll hit each other...

If I can't count on my mum or my dad, then I want to count on her,

as well as she can count on me.

There's a little thread in there somewhere,

that you can be quite close and you think a lot of her.

-That's coming across, I think.

-It'll give us a chance, as a family,

to, like, get along better instead of having arguments and stuff,

and actually show social services

that we can be a family and that there is ways to change things,

instead of always being the same

and, you know, always having these arguments.

How would you like things to be with Mum?

Er, I want her to just be happier cos if she's happier,

she'll probably show more affection towards us or, you know,

be more happy to be around us

than more upset every time she has to come home and be around us.

My mum's always really hurt my feelings,

especially cos she's never actually listened.

All I want is my mum to love me and not...

like, push me away and stuff like that. I just...

You know, I want my mum to say that she loves me

or hug me sometimes and stuff, but she doesn't do that.

Firstly, do you want to be part of this process?

-Yeah.

-You do? So you feel that there can be movement?

With Viviana...I think, like, there is hope in us improving.

But with my mum, I don't see much hope with me and her.

Like, our relationship getting any better,

cos it's like, it's not easy...

It's like a roller coaster, basically.

One minute we're all right and then the next minute,

we're just arguing and she's just...

It's just like she's bored most of the time.

She's just arguing with me.

And, like, we'll just argue over stupid things,

like she'll call me fat or something.

Which is... How does that make you feel?

Like...sometimes she'll be like, "Oh, go for a jog in the park."

Most of the time, I don't really take notice but it's like,

she's always coming at me...

So our next thing that we aim to do is to bring you together with...

With Viviana, maybe next week.

Sit down and have a session. How is it, living this life?

I used to cry a lot.

Sometimes I do still break down

but, like, it's not just home life.

It's, like, everything in general.

And, like, now I've just become immune to it.

Hmm.

-Like, it's just normal. Well, to us, anyways.

-Hmm.

-But yeah...

-But you know deep down inside that it's... It can change.

Yeah.

It's going to take some work.

Yeah.

Yeah.

-What you doing in Wakefield?

-What?

-Eh?

-What?

-What you doing in Wakefield?

-My mum wants me to go shopping with her.

I can't hear you.

Simon and Charlotte are trying to rebuild their relationship.

One of the tasks the mediators have set them is to spend some quality time together.

I don't know where t'paint section is.

-I can't see Putting Green - can you?

-There.

They're choosing paint to redecorate Charlotte's bedroom.

My daughter wanted a green and I said what we'd do is come

and she can get one and get it mixed.

But we've looked at this and it's ideal. She says she's happy with that colour.

Yeah, well, it is cheaper to get it off the shelf

but we do mix them if you...

These are the colour charts for the tailor-made that we do mix,

-but if you like the colour...

-Yeah, there's no need, is there?

-..there's not a difference in the paint.

I'm sure my daughter's thinking money's no object.

HE CHUCKLES

-OK?

-There's some nice colours there. I thought you wanted leaf green.

I can move those ladders. Do you want me to move the ladders and...?

Could we have that one in soft sheen?

-Do you do... Do you do much mixing?

-Lots! Lots and lots.

It's a good job t'lid's on!

-There you go.

-Brilliant, thank you.

-Be careful transporting it.

-OK? Thank you.

-Thanks very much.

-Bye. Bye.

-Do you want to carry that for me?

-Just take it out a sec...

We can do it together, Charls. It's your room, isn't it?

-Are you pleased?

-Suppose so.

Was it nice to spend some time with your dad?

I suppose so.

Did you say thank you?

-Thanks.

-You're welcome.

Have you ever felt close to your dad?

When I were younger. Like...

..about eight or something.

How did you feel close to him?

-What was your, kind of, relationship like?

-Er...

Well, it were when my mum and dad were together, so...

I don't know, just sort of...

..weren't at the stage where we had arguments or anything, so...

Tell me about the night you spent in Tesco.

I couldn't stay at my friend's, so...

..er...I came down here, went to one of my other friend's for a bit

until about one, then...

..er, it were really cold, so I just walked around Tesco for a bit

and went into t'toilets

and just stayed in there until it got light.

How many hours were you in there, then, do you think?

Probably until about...

er, seven or eight, so... quite a while.

It's not a very big bedroom, so...

'Charlotte has an older brother and a younger sister, Sarah,

'who also live at home with their dad.'

-Do you like your room?

-Yeah!

-She's quite tidy, isn't she?

-Yeah, yeah.

-It's not a bad room, really.

-My grandma gave Dad a new rug.

-I got the old rug!

-SHE CHUCKLES

-But we have to clean something underneath it, cos...

-Do we?

-Yes!

-Remember that...

-That cheese? I think I cleaned it up.

-No, not that cheese. The, er...

-The sick, really.

-I thought we'd cleaned it up.

-I think.

-No, it's still under there.

-Is it?

-Yes.

-I don't think it is.

-Not on camera! Oh, it is. There's still some...

-Yeah.

-Oh, right.

What's that from?

-Er...

-Sarah was at Grandma's and, er...I'd forgot about that.

Yeah and Charlotte had a party and, er,

some people came into my room and that...

And one of them...

-because I used to have my picture of Mum here, didn't I?

-Yeah, you did.

-And it's gone. So...

-Yeah, which is sad.

-Yes.

Yeah, we've got a party and we have to dress up

as famous people, if you want.

-You want to be Lady Gaga, don't you?

-Yeah.

Or Hannah Montana.

-Would you help her with her outfit?

-Help burn it.

Charlotte was her younger sister's age when her parents got divorced.

She lived with her mum and her new partner

until things broke down and Charlotte moved to her dad's.

-Were you like Sarah when you were her age?

-I think so.

-Do you think your dad's forgotten that?

-No, I just think...

It's, like,

cos they tend to give all t'attention to t'youngest child, so...

Would you like him to give a bit more attention to you?

Sometimes, yeah. Er...

I think it depends HOW. Like, cos...

..he's always treating my sister and stuff...

..and he never does for me or my brother.

Me and Charlotte don't particularly argue that much.

It's more so Charlotte's behaviour than...

It isn't just CHARLOTTE'S behaviour.

It's what's maybe, and I'm not saying it has,

has created some of that with the non-communication,

like you two not talking to each other.

It's part of what's been going off, you know, with the split.

You know when your mum and dad split up? Do you think it affected you?

Not much.

Not much?

Were you a little bit confused about

whether to stay with your mum or your dad?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, and what decision did you make, then?

-I think it changed every few months.

-Right.

Were you leaning more towards your mum at that point, then?

-Probably.

-Yeah.

At the time, I didn't see it coming.

I wish we'd never split up. I didn't want it to happen.

-Yeah. That's a hard one, isn't it?

-Mm.

Hmm.

You're getting to know your dad a little bit more here, aren't you?

He does have feelings.

Parents do have feelings, just as you've got feelings, Charlotte.

'I thought when I went in today, "It's going to be hard work."'

She had her hood up. I said hello, she didn't speak.

And I thought, "Oh, here we go."

There isn't going to be a quick fix to this.

Like any teenager, Tyler wants to spend more time away from his mum.

Gloria agreed to buy him a new bike

but his bid for freedom is causing friction.

He says he hates it when we're protective with him all the time

and always have been and he's actually said to me before now -

which I find a bit unnerving, really -

"Well, I wish you'd let me make my own mistakes, Mum,

"and if I'm going to have accidents or anything is going to happen,

"well, it's going to happen," but...

me being me, can't look at it, really, like that, but...

This is what I always try and make important to him, you know,

none of this is cos I don't want him

to be a normal teenager and do things.

'Gloria is putting her faith in Max and Liz to get things back on track with her son,

'but the memories of how bad things became two years ago still haunt her.'

Would you put Tyler into care again?

My God, I hope I don't have to but I have told him to his face,

on many occasions, if he, you know, doesn't try a little bit harder

than what he sometimes does, to understand what's going on here

and realise that I'm not the baddie he sometimes likes to make out,

then he leaves me no option.

I can't go on bringing up a child that won't let me help him,

won't accept forms of discipline

and sometimes carries on putting himself and other people at risk.

Gloria and Tyler's relationship is tested again

when an argument over his medication spins out of control.

But this time, Tyler handles things differently.

Yeah, do the usual one, shall we?

-As soon as she comes in...

-Mm?

-..she starts nagging at me.

-Have I taken my tablets? Why is there all this? Why is there all that?

-OK.

And I got kind of fed up of it

because she does it every time she walks in the front door.

He came to the cafe straightaway. Came up, shook my hand, sat down.

"I just want to let you know, I'm looking for a place now. I'm going back into care..."

I said, "If that's what you feel you've got to do, fine."

'But I wanted him to have a sense of personal responsibility

'and personal power to go down to see his social worker

'and I think, for Tyler, it was pre-empting.

' "I know what I'm going to say - care - so I'll do it myself." '

That is nice.

"If I'm going into care, I'm going into because I'M going into care."

That was quite a positive step, I think.

If we're honest, everybody knew it wasn't going to happen but they all needed to do a bit of showboating.

She basically said, in nicer words,

"My boss said you're a child - we're not listening to you," sort of thing.

-Right.

-"So because you're a child,

"we can't really do this, that and the other on your say so."

It was a poker job. OK. Squinty-eyed - ding!

One eyebrow movement - ding!

He played his cards and she went, "He's taken away."

So Gloria now knows that if he wants to...

He can't just put himself in care but what I'm saying is,

she can't play that card. He'll go anyway.

When we react to something, sometimes we don't think it through.

We just react. Say I threw a ball at you and you catch it,

you know those reactions? You go, "Whoa! How'd you do that?"

"I don't know, didn't think about it. Luckily it didn't hit me."

In a way, when we go into a situation, sometimes we react.

We don't know why we do it. It's just an automatic reaction.

And sometimes we get little patterns like your mum comes in,

"You haven't done the table, done the tablets..."

That's her automatic reaction. A response could be...

"OK, what have I done? "OK, maybe I'm bit quiet.

"Maybe I haven't taken my tablets. Maybe I didn't say goodbye this morning."

Whatever - could be a small thing.

It might take practice - these are patterns you and Mum have got into.

-Little bullfights. Would that be reasonable?

-Yeah.

-Fantastic.

-VIVIANA:

-Mum? Mum?

-Do we have wraps?

-What?

-Wraps.

-That's what I need to make tomorrow. Chicken fajitas.

-You know how much it costs, the chicken at the Co-op?

-Don't we have chicken in the freezer?

-No.

What? £6 for two pieces of chicken breast?

You must be joking!

Do tuna fajitas.

You can't do tuna fajitas! It's my packed lunch. It's not supposed to have fish.

That shows how little you know about me and school!

I don't know what you're talking about.

-So why you so stressed today?

-I'm not.

Sisters Viviana and Stefanie

want to put an end to the daily fights at home.

Today is their first joint session with the mediators.

-Hello. How are you?

-Fine, thank you.

-Come in.

What we like to do is, any points that we feel relevant

that you want to agree to and, as long as they're realistic,

we want to put it down on this.

This is what we call a "statement of outcome"

and it's reached without prejudice.

So if Viviana agrees to something and it falls down,

you can't take her to court...

SHE CHUCKLES ..basically, all right? This is a reminder of what you've agreed to

while you're in this room together.

-What you anxious about?

-How this is going to turn out.

Well, it'll turn out as good as you make it turn out.

That's what I'll say to that.

OK, what about the arguments that you do have?

She sat on me, on my head.

Which is not funny, OK? Sitting on my head. That's not funny.

Or where she slapped me, pushed me, pulled me by my hair.

Like, once, we was having an argument or a fight.

I locked myself in the bathroom cos she picked up knives

and she was coming at... like, at me so, obviously,

I closed it and then she stabbed into the bathroom door.

She hit the door with some heavy soup metal spoon once

and caused a dent in it, as well.

How long ago was that? When did that happen?

Maybe a month or something.

But to be honest with you, yeah?

The reality is, yes, I do that, but I would actually never stab her.

I would actually never... It's just out of anger.

Like, how I feel at the fact that things are the same every day

and the fact that they don't really change but, obviously,

I would never actually hurt my sister like that because...

I'm not that stupid and I do love my sister, so I'd never do that. But...

Something could happen one day.

It might even be that you're both using these implements,

such as the knife, spoons and stuff, to frighten or scare each other.

So how can you let each other know when you're at that stage

where you need your own space?

Do you know what I mean?

Without getting in each other's face and cranking the situation up?

I don't know because usually I'll just say, "Leave me alone,"

"Go away," all of this, or sometimes I just tell her to F-off.

And does that work?

No, not really. It just causes arguments.

Maybe I react, yeah, because she says, like...

The way she's telling me to leave her alone is not in a very nice way.

When the person is telling you to fuck off, yeah, you're just like,

"No, I'm not having this."

You just get even more angrier.

What would you rather she did when she wants to be left alone?

Just say it politely, like, "Can you leave me alone for now, please?"

-What do you think about that, Steph?

-Yeah.

Is that something you'll be willing to do?

OK. I'll make that a point as well

because I think that's quite an important one,

that's maybe going to be a difficult one to do

but think about, it's not what you say - it's how you say it.

When they're at home, that's where most of the conflicts happen - almost like a boxing ring,

so they're in there and they're going through all these rounds.

I don't know how many rounds they've gone through

but it is almost like we've come and we've picked them out of the ring

and we are taking them to a calm place

and I also like to explain it as it's almost like we're unravelling a safety net for them,

to be able to step inside somewhere safe that they can actually talk,

listen, and be heard.

This morning you said I have selective hearing.

Is that actually honest?

SHE LAUGHS

It is something you can have.

And when people talk to you, Stephanie,

you kind of do selectively hear what you want to hear.

It all comes down to the right time that you're talking to me.

Say if I'm in the shower sometimes, it's like, say...

I'll be coming in there to speak to her.

-You don't mind that?

-Or, like, sometimes when I'm on the toilet!

That's the only time we can speak to each other, isn't it?

If we're just in the sitting room or something, then yeah.

Like I've told you, I don't like people

being around me when I cry, innit?

When I'm not happy.

Can I put that down?

-Fine.

-Yeah?

"Viviana understands, when Stephanie is crying

"she likes to be on her own."

Yeah? Anything else?

I love you, too.

Don't get happy(!)

THEY LAUGH

Yeah.

Viv did say that in her account, didn't she, that she does love you.

And I suppose now you've got to hear that back.

How do you feel about that, now you've heard that back?

It feels really nice because she doesn't normally say it,

so when she does say it, I just feel happy that she feels the same way,

so I'm not the only one who feels that way.

So yeah, it is actually quite nice.

The fact that she feels that way as well.

'When the communication starts flowing,'

niceties come out, what I would call "a sweetie," in the mediation,

and it's accepted by the other person and it's almost like...

"I didn't see it that way." You know? And something's hit them.

And it almost, like, brings the human being back into the room

and they sit there looking at each other

and can see each other's eyes and realise,

"Actually, that's not just my sister. That is another person."

How do you feel today's gone? Do you think it's helped at all?

Actually, yeah, I'm really pleased about it

and I actually think it went really, really well.

-Yeah.

-What about you, Steph?

Yeah.

All of you, including Mum as well, have very difficult journeys.

It's about how you can work together now. That WAS then.

Let's try and think about moving forward.

We knew that not everybody can do that either but it's about...

just giving it a shot and this might actually work if you want it to.

'The family's getting help now.'

It looks like it's working in baby steps,

which - oh, my gosh - I'm so pleased about, and I couldn't be happier.

'When I came in this morning, I can sense a bit of tension.

'Has there been something happen?'

Charlotte's latest meeting with Sonia and Steph

comes the morning after a major row

between her dad and older brother, Matthew.

What happened last night, then?

Came downstairs and I were just in a bad mood and I said to Matthew,

"You're not wearing that T-shirt in this house."

He says, "Why?" We ended up getting into an argument.

Matthew got violent towards me, which is unusual.

You didn't get violent to him at all(!)

I didn't.

And we ended up having a bit of a tussle.

It's basically my dad's always having a go at him for stupid stuff

-and...

-No, I'm not.

-It's just...

-Yeah, you are.

-No, I'm not.

You really are.

I'm trying to help him.

But when he's getting up at 7pm in the evening...

He was up at 3pm. He just didn't come downstairs until 7pm.

He just doesn't want to come down

because he knows that he's going to have a go at him.

Because he's not doing anything?

-So where's Matthew this morning?

-Johnny's.

-Did he leave last night, then?

-I were tempted to leave with him.

We've talked before about a host family, some space.

Yep.

We'd prefer not to do that.

'The best option is to make it work at home

'and that's what we try and do'

but that's not always possible.

How do you feel about this option of the host?

I'd prefer it a lot more.

Did you feel that a week ago?

No, I were kind of debating whether I actually wanted to go or not

and now I'm just, like, I really want to get away.

Because I think even if I do forgive him,

I'm still not going to be how I was.

I'll just be, like, OK with him.

You wouldn't stand a chance, if they were firing down.

You'd be wrecked, wouldn't you? Look at that.

I think helicopters are better for,

like, inner-city use,

and for, like, on bigger battlefields.

-Like, planes, you can't hover them and then shoot.

-I agree.

Tyler decided not to leave home after the last blow-up

and things with his mum are improving.

But the bike is still a source of conflict between them.

-Do you know Trinity Hill?

-The big hill?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, crikey.

I got three quarters of the way down there,

I looked up and there was a car just turning around the corner,

I slammed on the brakes. Barely did anything.

"Shall I run into the car, or run into the wall?"

So I had to choose, like, the wall,

-so I had to carry the bike from Trinity Hill to Halfords.

-Right.

I said, "It's not Halfords it needs, it's a priest, that bike."

I don't think that bike likes Tyler very much.

And I am beginning to like the bike even less.

I just...

I think my words were, "You want to stay off that death trap.

"It's one thing after another and the bike's possessed."

After nearly two months working separately with Gloria and Tyler,

the mediators think it's time to try a joint session.

The aim is for Mum and son to work out a way

to stop some of the arguments in their tracks.

Ding-ding, round one.

-So.

-So.

-So.

What generally gets you stuck?

I would say...

Well, it's not really nagging but continuously asking me

to do something when I've already said yes.

Quite often, if I forget to take my tablets or something like that,

Mum will say, "Take your tablets," and I say, "OK, I'll do that."

I might not do it for the next five minutes.

I will do it but then she says it again.

What would be a time you would...?

-Because you said you normally take them between 6pm and 7pm.

-Yeah.

If your mum left you alone between 6pm and 7pm,

that's your responsibility.

After seven, could we say possibly you may have forgotten?

If your mum did it say it at 7:15, can you take your tablets,

what would be a good idea then?

-Well, obviously, to take them.

-Yes! Goddamn!

'They never argue about what they really want to argue about.

'Rule number one. And rule number two,'

they're never upset for the reasons that they think they are.

That's rule number two.

It wouldn't be the fact you might forget. None of us are perfect.

It's the anger that comes out of his mouth when I do do it.

I'm not at all faulting him

for anything he does or doesn't do as a teenager.

I've been a stupid teenager in my life. I'm not perfect.

And I know that sometimes I probably don't listen to him

as much as I should at the time

because I'm so busy being anxious.

But the same, you know, with both of us. But at the same time,

what I'm trying to keep putting across is half of this anxiousness

wouldn't be there in the first place

if these teenagers of today didn't... You know,

be the way they are.

We were taught a lot more respect in our day.

I'd have had my head caved in by now if I spoke to my mum like that.

You are a parent now.

You have been to the university of life and you know what's out there.

And, of course, coming up opposing that

is the teenager that truly believes that you were never a teenager

and you've obviously got your head on backwards.

I love my kids dearly and I wouldn't want to set anything different

but, my God, all I want them to realise is

-that it is no joke being a parent.

-No, of course it's not.

And it's not something you can be so blase and laid-back about.

If you do wrong, I could go to jail.

I could end up on a child abusers' list. You know what I mean?

-I don't want to be provoked to that, either.

-You're not going to end up on a child abusers' list.

Oh, the way you drive me nuts some days, I want to smash your head in.

You know what I mean? Any parent would say that.

Did you not realise where I'm coming from here?

The inbuilt fears I've got about everything?

'Gloria's perspective is just...'

Becomes, because of her high levels of anxiety,

exceedingly exacerbated at times

and then Gloria becomes defensive because she doesn't believe

that any other parent has those anxieties.

Of course, every parent has those anxieties.

Tyler wants to take more on now.

"I can go to the gym, I can do my stuff..."

And it's when it feels like you feel he can't.

It's that minute something goes wrong, is when I'm going to be...

-Mum.

-"I wish I'd never let him do it." Like your stupid bike.

There's always going to be something...

That bike's possessed.

He should never have had that bike.

There's always something going to be wrong, Mum.

And who bought it? Stupid me.

If you don't take care of yourself as well,

you might go in the wrong direction.

Something might happen to you

and then I won't have a mum if you...

See what a rest from nagging you'll get!

Yeah, that'd be brilliant.

I wouldn't have anyone to love

and someone to point me in the right direction,

because you can't keep me safe if you're in a hospital bed

because you've just got so stressed.

-All right?

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Got to press the little green button.

-OK. Thanks.

'It was nothing to do with the pills. Nothing at all.

'It was all to do with the dynamic.

'There's very little going on in their lives that causes this aggro.

'There's nothing there!'

They watch the telly, go to school. There's nothing going on.

I'm staggered this much shit comes up.

It's patently historical stuff. It's ghosts.

Week after next, I'll be very interested...

If that's gone well for the next two weeks, then we know

we're onto where Tyler is taking responsibility.

With the mediators' help, Charlotte and Simon are talking again

but living together isn't working

and Charlotte's moving to live with a host family.

I don't think Simon would have ever come to us

and said, "Take Charlotte away."

Whether that relationship would have been repairable I'm not right sure.

So I think, in a way,

I think Simon were quite relieved that we actually said,

"Some space might be better for both of you."

-All right.

-Right, you going to give your dad a love, then, before we go?

We won't watch. Take care.

She won't want to.

-See you. When shall I see you next? Maybe Sunday?

-Maybe.

If Steph and Sonia hadn't been involved,

I think it could have been a lot worse than it is right now.

I think with families, once a rift starts, it can grow apart, can't it?

And it's difficult, then, to mend relationships.

It's difficult to know.

I've always tried to treat all three kids equally.

I'll have to show Charlotte these photographs.

There's some little cushions and a few toiletries to set you off with.

-Is that all right?

-Yeah.

-Let's do half a packet of each on the plate.

-Yeah.

Mel and Frim are preparing for a session with Viviana and Stephanie.

Mel wants to see how they've been getting on with the agreement they made last time.

This might not be going ahead.

But there's been a hiccup.

-Because Viviana's there...

-So Viviana's here. Stephanie's not.

Since their last session, social services have told the girls

they're looking into putting them into care.

Viviana and Stephanie feel they have too much on in their lives to carry on with mediation.

This is not supposed to go in the drier...

-I still cleaned everything.

-Can you put it on the radiator, please?

It's OK for ironing.

It's a bit damp. It's OK for ironing.

So would you like to carry on with the mediation?

Yeah.

Why?

It did kind of make things better for a little while.

But obviously things can't be fixed in one day.

But it did make things better.

How important is it for you

to improve your relationship with your sister?

Very important. I don't like fighting every day.

It makes me feel bad.

It was good to listen to each other.

What about with your mum?

Fighting with her just makes me feel angry and annoyed, and tired.

Do you think she wants you to stay at home?

My hope is that, yes, she wants me to stay home.

Because despite all the horrible things Mum's done to me

I still love her. I can't help it.

How do you think your life will be

when you're not living with your family any more?

Apparently, psychologically, it takes seven weeks for someone

to get used to something, so I'll probably cry a lot for a bit

and then after seven weeks I'll be fine.

'They got something they haven't had for a while from each other.'

That bit of love, really.

And some affection from each other to say that,

"Actually, I am your sister, and I am still here."

Let's see how it goes.

'It's a shame that we couldn't work with them for longer, just to...'

Not to clear up everything that's happened in their life.

That's impossible to do. But it's about moving forward.

Here we go.

How did the pill thing go?

Because the last time we left, you were going to take them...

-Oh, yeah.

-..and you're going to leave him alone...

-Medication, yes, fine.

-Great.

-Except for a couple of days ago.

You didn't take it until the next day but you were brilliant.

-I forgot it, yes.

-He was marvellous the next day.

-Did you let it go?

I did until yesterday teatime

because I realised that would be the second day it was out of his system.

-Was that OK?

-Yeah.

Yeah, and I managed to shut up really quick because everybody said,

and his brother, that he took it. That was great.

-That's all I wanted to hear.

-Great.

-I had no need to nag him.

-Fab.

It could have been, "Well, you should have taken them..."

That doesn't help. The fact you can just let him take them, great.

I managed to lay off that. I was beginning to see the point in...

We're sick of this. That's not getting anywhere.

Even if it means that I've got to come across now and again

as a bit uncaring, then.

-Right.

-I'm going to say, "Right, today I'm going to try my hardest

"not to nag. I'm not going to say anything,

"and if he don't take it, well, tough, really."

-FEMALE MEDIATOR:

-Did it feel like uncaring?

-No.

-It does to me.

It felt like a bit of peace, for once.

No, but that's fine.

It didn't feel uncaring to him. I suppose for you that's the most important thing,

how Ty feels about it.

-MALE MEDIATOR:

-'We're out of the red zone and we're into the amber zone.

'We've moved from danger period to definitely more of a stable period.

'I genuinely feel they've both got some resources

'and some battery power, if you like.'

They can roll with it now, rather than...boom.

-Look at you, sand in your shoes.

-I know. Wind in my hair.

I wouldn't go there!

You haven't played jump-the-waves

since you were knee-high to a grasshopper.

And...wet feet. Oh, wet feet.

'I definitely feel more able to cope if anything goes wrong,

'whereas before if anything went wrong, "Oh, it's gone wrong -

'"it's over."

SHE LAUGHS

'Whereas now we sort of...

'Any little incident, we deal with it exactly when it happens

'and it's fine and we just go back to being normal.'

Don't you dare! Don't even go there!

So I'm hoping this is permanent now.

Here we go. On solid ground.

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