Rachel Bruno: My Dad & Me

Going to wish the kids good night.

-Rach?

-Yeah.

-Where are you?

-Here.

-Oh. Hello.

-Are you all right?

'That's me aged eight.

'And that's my dad behind the camera.'

-What do you want to say to me?

-Goodbye, Daddy. I love you.

-Yeah?

Are you going to miss me?

I'm going to miss you, as well.

SHE SNIFFS

'I knew what Dad going away meant.'

-SOBS:

-I don't want you to go, Daddy!

Oh, no, Rach, Rach, Rach, Rach, Rach.

CROWD ROAR

Dad was a boxer.

In fact, he was once Heavyweight Champion of the World.

Hello, Laura, darling.

And hello, Nicola and Rach, I love you very much.

I'll be coming home soon, darling.

Are you ready to order, at all?

Or a bit longer? Sure, that's fine!

'I'm 26 now, and my name is Rachel Bruno.'

My dad used to be a boxer.

Frank Bruno.

-No, you're joking...!

-Yeah.

Half the time people don't believe me, and think I'm lying.

I think they probably think, "Why do you work in a restaurant?"

Some people do look down their noses at me sometimes, but...

I don't really care.

'In his day, my dad was a national hero...'

Is this the champion's belt?

I never take it off, Noel.

You know what I mean, Harry?

'..then, it all went wrong.

'In the space of a few years,

'he went from world champion to patient in a psychiatric hospital.'

-Is he all right?

-Yeah, he's doing good.

He's getting better.

-It's a hard illness to cope with, as a family.

-Yes, yes.

It does break up a family.

Yeah.

'People think they know my dad, but they've no idea.

'Dad's bipolar disorder has devastated our family.

'Now I want to understand the illness that has taken him from me,

'and try to find the dad I once knew.'

RINGING TONE

-'Hello.'

-Hi, dad.

-'Hello, Rach. You all right?'

Just let you know, we've just left,

so hopefully we won't be that long.

'All right, no problem, Rach.

'Just focus... Don't worry about the time. Just drive carefully, yeah?'

Yeah, no, I will do.

'All right, see you later, Rach.'

OK, see you soon, Dad. Bye.

'Bye, darling. Bye. Bye.'

'My dad has bipolar disorder

'which means his moods can swing from manic highs to terrible lows.

'He was sectioned twice last year

'and taken into psychiatric care against his wishes.

'He's been out a couple of months now,

'and is back home and on medication to keep him stable.'

The thing is, it's hard because he doesn't live around the corner

so I can't keep an eye on him.

I just hope he's still, like, taking the medication.

He knows that he's got to get better really.

I think he knows.

It worries me, because I don't really

talk about my dad's illness with him.

'This is the first time I've been to Dad's house in over a year.'

-Come on.

-Thank you.

Make yourself at home.

-Thank you.

-Do you want to cup of tea or something?

-I'd love one, please.

Have you been going gym?

No, no, I haven't been... Not this week.

Have you lost your, like, motivation?

No, not lost motivation. Just can't be bothered.

Can't be bothered.

-Do you take sugar?

-Er, yes, please.

Thank you.

So, how are you feeling? Are you feeling better?

-Better? What do you mean "better"?

-Just better in yourself?

-Yeah.

What, don't I look better?

-No, you do.

-Oh.

-I think you look really well.

-OK.

I think you look really, really well.

You look nervous. What's the matter with you?

Well, I don't know, because obviously, I'm doing this programme,

-and I am grateful that you're letting me do it, cos...

-Sorry?

I'm grateful to you for letting me go ahead and film this...

Because it's private, isn't it? We don't really...

-You don't really talk about it to the public too much...

-Yeah.

..about your illness. I have been getting quite anxious about it.

Don't worry about the public, just chill out and relax yourself, girl.

Ask what questions you want to ask.

As long as it doesn't upset you, that's the main thing, isn't it?

Don't worry about upsetting me.

I keep busy all the time, you know.

I'm cleaning up the house.

Dust up.

Mop. Hoover. Do bits and pieces.

And you think that helps you, yeah?

Well, it's good for me.

What programme are you on with the doctors at the moment?

-What do you mean "what programme am I on"?

-Like medication.

-Are you still...

-Yeah, I am taking medication,

but I'm not too sure what the medication is.

But I am on medication, yeah.

Do they come round, or do you go to them?

No, they come round.

Have you got a nice team of doctors?

Um, they are very intrusive.

Very nosy.

Yeah.

Sometimes I don't know why they got to give you all this powerful...

-Yeah.

-..medication for, you know what I mean?

That's my...my...

I'm trying to get off the medication, Rach.

Yeah.

I don't want to be like a zombie for the rest of my life.

I do worry about you.

Don't like you being this far out on your own.

But I suppose you like it?

There is a reason why I came this far.

CHUCKLES

I'm surprised you haven't got any animals here. A dog, or something.

-Animals...

-You don't want one?

No. I don't want a dog. What do I want a dog for?

-A dog's a man's best friend.

-Is it?

-Yeah?

-Nah!

-You look after yourself, yeah?

-Thank you, Dad.

-Cheers, nice one.

-Drive safely, carefully.

-I will.

-Yeah.

I think he handled it well today.

All of last year, we haven't really had a relationship, so...

our relationship is strained.

And it's weird going round there

and talking about his illness and stuff.

I found it a bit awkward at times

because he's still in a fragile state,

so I don't want to tip him.

-VIDEO: 'Comes out wicked, don't it?

-Oh, wicked!

'Here you are, do some of me. And Rach.'

FRANK AND FRANKLYN CHAT ON VIDEO

How young Dad looks!

He was young, though.

Did you get this camera for Christmas?

No, he'd just got it this Christmas and charged it up.

I think this is the Christmas Day.

-Cleared out. It's clear, isn't it?

-Yeah.

'I still live with my sister Nicola and my brother Franklyn.

'We grew up in a big house in the country.

'With everything kids could possibly want.'

This is my wife.

And this is my baby boy in here.

'Dad was fun to be around.'

FRANK CHUCKLES

'Always joking and making an arse of himself!'

That is disgusting, Daddy.

He was so naughty, wasn't he?

It's weird seeing dad like this, because I never really...

I can never remember Dad like this.

'Our whole family life has been changed by our dad's bipolar,

'also known as manic depression.

'At times my dad's been so manic,

'he hasn't known who he is.

'And at other times he has been so depressed

'he can barely get out of bed.

'I don't really think I've grasped what is my dad,

'and what is his illness yet.

'And I don't think Nicola or Franklyn have either.

'But at least me and my sister

'sort of got to know the real dad and the normal dad.'

For a little, short time.

Just make sure you look after the kids

and look after Mummy, and the baby.

'Unfortunately, Franklyn's been born into my dad's illness.

'And he hasn't ever seen my dad normal.

'And it's sad that the son that he so wanted,

'the bipolar takes that all that away, I think.'

Because he doesn't know how to be a dad.

He can't be a dad when he's ill.

-NEWS PRESENTER:

-Frank Bruno arrived back in Britain today

after his crushing defeat at the hands of Mike Tyson.

'My dad's career came to a sudden end in 1996.

'He'd been the World Heavyweight Champion for just six months.

'He was defeated by Mike Tyson in a fight

'that left my dad's eye badly injured.

'Doctors told him he risked going blind if he ever fought again.'

I'm just here to say that I'm officially retired

and the door is going to be open for me to spend more time

with my family, you know. Be a father.

'But retirement hit dad and our family hard.

'Everything soon spiralled out of control.'

One of this country's best-loved sportsmen,

Frank Bruno, is in a mental hospital tonight.

It's believed the boxer,

who was escorted from his home in Essex last night

by police and paramedics,

has been sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

'In September 2003, after months of erratic behaviour,

'my dad was committed to a psychiatric hospital

'for the first time.

'I was just 16.'

It just sent our family up in turmoil, really,

because a celebrity hadn't ever been sectioned,

so the hype it caused with the press...

We were hounded all the time,

they were literally camped outside our house.

-NEWS REPORT:

-'41-year-old Frank Bruno now faces his most difficult bout.

'The former World Champion has been committed

'while his state of mind is assessed.'

It took nine hours to get actually in the ambulance.

I think he did get a bit aggressive,

and the police officers tripped him up to inject him.

It was sad, because he was like a child.

He was begging us not to do it.

-NEWS REPORTER:

-'Behind the darkened windows,

'Frank Bruno's family arrive at the hospital.

'Bruno is finally getting the help so many had urged him to seek.'

'Ten years on, I'm revisiting the hospital where my dad was locked up.

'To try and understand more about what happened.'

-I don't know if you remember this door...

-Yep, I do.

This was probably the door you would've...

This is what, um, the door.

..come to the actual ward.

My dad on the other side - where all the patients and him would wait.

And we'd have to exit.

But I do think we went through...

We used to go through that door.

Obviously, there was quite a lot of press here at the time,

so we had to avoid them.

This is Picasso Ward,

-as was.

-OK, yeah.

This is a day area.

I remember that. And I remember we had a chat in here.

And that used to be the smoking room, I think.

Before the smoking ban.

That was where my dad tried to set my sister up with a patient.

-Oh, right.

-CHUCKLES

-Sounds like you have got very clear memories.

-I have now, yeah!

What were the questions in your mind that you were thinking about?

Actually, at the time, I had no clue about what bipolar was.

I had no clue really what was happening to my dad.

I just... I just thought he'd had a breakdown,

or lost it, or something.

And also from seeing him so sedated,

I didn't think he'd actually come back from that.

This is the area to which someone will be brought,

when they're brought by the police

under what's called Section 136 of the Mental Health Act.

Why would someone with bipolar need to be sectioned?

There's a huge variety of severities of this condition.

They might be over-active,

have all sorts of grandiose,

or unfeasible plans and schemes...

And because there's a loss of judgment,

the person will typically not necessarily realise

that they're unwell and needing treatment.

Sometimes the only way then to persuade,

or to get the person to have treatment,

is to take away their freedom and detain them - section them.

What behaviour led up to your dad being sectioned?

He had a massive boxing ring that he fought in,

he put that in his garden and slept in it.

He was walking around our local high street with no shoes on.

When we'd go and visit him he had loads of incense and he'd be...

whoofing 'em around everywhere.

He'd hear voices,

he thought he was other people at times.

He was acting really strange.

At that time, I didn't really understand

why they were taking my dad away.

I didn't know that when I'd see him next he'd be a zombie,

crouched over a seat

who couldn't really speak

or even lift his head to give us a kiss goodbye.

That was really heartbreaking.

'I know how hard it was for me at the time,

'but I want to find out what it was like for my sister Nicola.

'Because she was the one

'who had to sign the papers to have Dad sectioned.'

-How old was you?

-Er...20.

And you had to sign Dad in, didn't you?

I did, cos obviously I was his next of kin

because he and Mum were divorced.

And, obviously, it's horrible, because you don't want to see

your dad having to go into hospital, but that was the last resort.

We all said at the time,

we agreed that we wouldn't tell him who signed the papers.

I don't know who told him, but somebody told him

that I signed him in

and he was just very hostile towards me.

He was looking at me like he just wanted to kill me.

It affected your relationship with him for a long time, didn't it?

He didn't start talking to me properly or have any, like,

interest in me probably until I was about 28.

He always made it feel that, "Oh, I can't have a laugh with Nicola,

"because she may get me sectioned."

Do you feel guilty in any way?

It made you feel guilty as soon as you did it,

but I just had to be strong and say I did it for the right reasons.

Where would he be now if he wasn't sectioned?

Totally, I don't think he...

-Would he be alive?

-Yeah...

-That's what I think.

-Would he have anything left to his name?

Would he be wrapped around a tree because of the way he drives?

Would someone else have hurt him

because of the way he was antagonising people?

What would have happened?

Yeah.

Because he's invincible.

When he's manic, he's invincible.

He's dominated my whole life, for...

18...

12 years.

12 years he has dominated it, from me worrying about him.

But I have to be honest, he's not worried about me.

He's not worried about how my life is going.

He doesn't care, but...

at the end of the day, I love my dad

and I'm never stopped loving him,

but if I ever got ill, would he do the same for me?

But I don't do it for him to do it for me.

But, you know what, you've...

I'm proud of you for taking on that responsibility all these years.

I couldn't be as strong as you.

'Although Dad has told me I can ask him anything, I'm still

'nervous of his moods and I don't want to push him or make him angry.

'So I'm going to meet someone who might be easier to talk to.'

Come on then. Let's get a sweat on.

May the best man win.

Dave Sheen has bipolar.

That's a really good one, Dan.

Life's all about focus.

'He's the same age as my dad, is divorced and has three kids,

'just like our family.'

-Hello! I'm Rachel.

-It's a left handshake. I broke my right hand.

-I won't grab it, then.

-You're really pretty, aren't you?

-Oh, thank you.

-So how old are you then?

-14.

-You're 14.

-Yeah.

You're about the same age... When my dad was first sectioned,

you're about the same age as I was.

Can you describe your dad as a person?

He's very loving.

Very generous.

-But a bit short-tempered at the same time.

-Yeah.

So, how is your dad to you today?

Do you think he's level today?

-Yeah. He is in a good mood.

-He seems to be happy.

He seems happy to me.

You only see me when I'm happy.

-I never show 'em really when I'm down.

-Oh, do you not?

Love you. See you soon, all right?

-See you later.

-See you soon.

-Seems funny, letting them walk away.

-Do you get sad?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Don't like it?

-No, I don't. No.

-You know what makes me happy?

-What?

MUSIC PLAYS

-Music? Oh!

-It's proper music. Like reggae music.

Never fails to make me happy. A bit of this.

MUSIC: "Leaving on a Jet Plane"

# I will dream about the days to come

# When I won't have to leave you alone... #

Dave was a successful businessman and multimillionaire

until his diagnosis six years ago.

# ..So kiss me and smile for me... #

So we're in a Hyundai at the moment.

Have you always driven this sort of car?

No, I've only had it two months.

I didn't have a car. I didn't have no money.

When you did have money, what cars did you have?

I've had every Mercedes ever built.

I used to pick the kids up from a different car every time at school.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I only used it ever wear designer clothes.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Do you think your bipolar helped to become successful?

-100%.

-What's that? 100%?

100%, yeah. Cos it gives you the drive.

That's what it does, it drives you. It drives you insane in the end,

but it drives you to get what you want.

If you want something, you'll get it.

So, where are we going, Dave?

We're going to go back to the barn conversions that I built.

Is this where you lived with your wife? Your ex-wife and kids?

That's right, yeah.

That was the first one I done.

There's the farmhouse.

They're sold to two footballers, these are.

-MAN:

-But you used to own all this?

-Yeah, I owned the lot. Yeah.

I mean, realistically, I had enough to retire on.

I think, "Well, how did I lose that?"

How did you lose...

How mad is it to try and work an earning to get it and then...

And what was the reason why you lost that?

I just had a breakdown.

# ..I'm leaving on a jet plane

# Don't know when I'll be back again... #

Home sweet home.

So, which one is your one?

The posh one with the black blinds, matching blinds.

'Home now is a one-bedroom council flat.'

Right then.

Look! Clean, look.

Oh, yeah. That is clean.

-That is good.

-Coffee.

You've got all the essentials, haven't you?

-Everything in here's been given me.

-Has it?

Washing machine, cooker, fridge.

It's nice, though.

-Now, come on, Rachel.

-No, it is...

-Be honest!

-It ain't nice!

-No, no, no.

'Like my dad, Dave's been prescribed drugs for his mood swings.'

I'm not a snob.

'But he's decided to stop taking them,

'just like my dad has done in the past.'

-Why aren't you on medication?

-I've tried it their way, remember.

I tried tablets for three or four years.

When I was on the tablets, it didn't make me go out and go to the shops.

-Right?

-Right.

-It didn't make me shave.

It didn't make me wash.

I'd be in bed for about a month, two months at a time.

I was just like a zombie.

And don't get me wrong, when I feel really bad,

I do start back on my tablets.

So, if I went that bad where I thought I was going to do

-one of them, I would go back on me tablets.

-Yeah.

-But, you know...

-What do you mean, do one of them?

Hang myself or something, I don't know.

-You know, you don't know, do you?

-No.

-I mean, you get suicidal thoughts all the time.

-Yeah.

-And your dad must get it as well.

-I've never... He's never...

-He probably would never tell you.

-Yeah.

-I wouldn't tell my children...

-Yeah.

..because that would be really hard.

When I do get them, that's what I think about.

I think, "What would they say?"

How do you feel that your relationship

with your kids has been affected by bipolar?

Because I feel like I haven't got

the money to do anything with them, I don't do it.

It affects me, because I think, you know, "I'm fat," or I was fat.

It affects me cos I feel low.

Even though they're my own kids - and I don't want to say this -

sometimes I don't want to see them.

It's not because I don't want to see them, it's cos I don't feel...

I can't think of anything to say to them.

It must affect them to see

what they used to have to what they have today.

Cos I used to be, "Everybody loves Dave."

"Everybody loves their dad."

You know? He'd be the funniest one in the pub.

He'd have plenty of mates around him.

It was an exciting life. There's always people at the house.

And, all of a sudden, I'm not the centre of attraction.

-It was lovely meeting you.

-Can we have a Spanish kiss?

'I've heard Dave's side of things, but now

'I want to find out how his kids feel about having a bipolar dad.'

-Hello, are you all right?

-Hello.

He's seemed quite manic at the moment and, obviously,

my dad can be like that at times.

Do you find that hard to be around him when he's like that?

-Mm.

-Cos he's quite all over the place, isn't he?

-Yeah, like a bit loud and a bit jumpy.

-Yeah.

But does that upset you?

I'm just used to it, I am.

-He's just always like that.

-Does that make you sad?

A little bit, yeah.

I wouldn't want dad to be here

when I have my friends round, or anything.

Cos in a way I'm kind of embarrassed to be next to him.

Do you find some of the stuff he says,

when he's manic, a bit embarrassing?

Yeah. It's like I wish he wasn't like how he is.

I wish he was just like... I don't know, just like a normal dad

and was like how I see other people's families when I'm out.

That's how I kind of see my dad sometimes.

-It's not normal, this illness they've got, is it?

-Yeah.

I think for teenagers you've got to get over the embarrassment.

It's understandable, you're going through that

certain age where you're trying to fit in

and be cool with your friends and it's not something you want

to shout about and be like, "Oh, yeah, hey, this is what's going on."

When I was a teenager, it took me a long time, I think

up until the age of my 20s, to be able to actually be open

and talk about my dad's illness to people.

He's quite comical, Dave was. He likes a laugh about his illness.

He said that sometimes he feels suicidal,

when he could hang himself and that was quite hard to listen to.

Cos my dad's never said that to me before.

But my dad living on his own,

I wouldn't want him to ever feel that low

like Dave has and think about suicide.

That's not nice.

Hello?

Hello?

Hi, Dad, you all right?

Yeah, we went and met a family, a family in Birmingham

and the dad with, like, bipolar. It was quite interesting.

Yes, so I'm just on the train now. How are you?

Yeah, I'll give you a call when I get home, anyway. OK, Dad.

Speak to you soon.

Bye. Bye-bye.

He seems well.

He does, actually. He seems quite chirpy.

'Dad was officially diagnosed with bipolar ten years ago,

'but it's hard to know when it really began.

'Looking back, I can see there were moments in my childhood when

'he would go over the top.

'He hired a helicopter for my brother Franklyn's christening...

'..and Heart FM DJs for my birthday.

'Now, I don't know if that was Dad being manic

'or whether it was just him enjoying his fame and fortune.'

-You know what I mean, Harry?

-I'm not Harry.

'I have to be honest.

'I don't think I've ever had a clue what's

'going on inside my dad's head.

'So I am hoping psychiatrist Dr Mark Salter

'can help me understand.'

Manic depression, it's an illness like any other illness,

but if you want to go a bit further and deeper into that,

you ask yourself, "What does your brain do all day long?"

-Think.

-Tell me about it. It doesn't just think, does it?

-No.

Think's a good one.

You might say that's the icing on the cake.

-Like, the cherry on top, sort of thing.

-Yeah.

It feels. OK?

It remembers.

We tend to know that emotion and memory

are stored in what we call the bottom bits of the brain.

Down here is the drive.

"I'm going win, I'm going to be successful."

Down here is the moodiness bits.

Down here is the horny bits.

"I feel like getting laid."

Down here is the bit that craves.

"I feel like a line of charlie.

"I feel like a beer. I feel like a spliff."

Down here is the memory.

"I remember last time I had charlie, I felt fantastic. I'll do it again."

And that, of course, thinks, "Ah!" sends a signal up to

the thinking bit, "Ring the dealer, score."

Or, alternatively,

"Last time I exercised to Olympic levels of fitness,

"I felt fantastic."

That sends a signal, "Do it again. Go to the gym."

So, can you see how your mood changes your thinking

and your thinking changes your mood?

The chemical side of treating manic depression seems to be

about stabilising or preventing major mood swings, or, if you like,

emotional storms, from welling up from these parts of the brain.

That emotion you see at the bottom of the brain, pushes ideas

out of you when you're manic. It gives you so much energy.

It's almost as though, when you're high,

there's a kind of disinhibition of

all your raw desires and instincts, you know?

People don't need to sleep. They've got fantastic energy.

And that makes them choose to think confident things.

They're in someone's face, talking really quickly,

all over the place... Rhymes and puns.

It's like a piece of happy music that won't stop, for God's sake.

-There's this look when he's manic. It's quite scary.

-What is a stare?

A stare is looking in the eye too much.

Yeah, it's like that. It's like the big eyes.

It's scary. It's intimidating.

-Does what I'm saying make sense?

-It does, yeah.

-OK.

Having a brain means having a mind, means having a personality.

Everything that's happened to your dad has made him uniquely him

and, boy, has he lived a life.

I wonder whether it's obviously retiring, as well, hasn't helped.

I suppose being so regimented

throughout his whole life and his career...

Those experiences of focus, discipline, drive,

excellence and not to mention all the glory and the worship he got.

When it falls apart through retina injury and retirement and stuff...

And then the marriage and everything.

..everything else that fell apart,

that is a huge shock for some people.

And so I can really understand

your dad having a really, really hard time.

Life kicked him in the teeth, literally,

because everything he knew that meant something to him

-was kind of taken away from him, in a way.

-Yeah.

It's impossible to say whether celebrity was caused by

his mania, or the other way round.

-That the mania was part and parcel of his celebrity.

-Yeah.

What it is fair to say is that, by being a celebrity,

he was definitely at increased risk.

Rewinding right back to before your dad became unwell,

-was there moodiness in him then?

-Yeah.

He'd lock himself away in his bedroom.

When I looked at old videos, he's either really manic,

like all doing extravagant things really manic, or really down.

ON FILM: 'Do some of me and Rach.

-'Is it filming at the moment?

-It's fresh, yeah! Fresh!'

God, when you're finally seeing someone that famous

in this sort of context...

I think that's why I can't watch home videos. I get sad.

-I feel sad now watching it.

-I bet you do. You must do.

Because, I suppose, when he lived at home with us,

he had a bit more stability and normality, I suppose.

Yes, and you feel like he hasn't got that now.

The hardest thing, I think, that people find really hard to

handle is that, actually, it's not their dad any more.

It's an illness that's taken over their dad.

Yeah, but that's the sad thing.

When am I going to get my dad back? That's what...

..is the journey, I suppose, that we've got to all go on.

-I don't really feel like I've had my dad for a lot of years.

-Yeah.

Possibly since you were a very little girl.

Maybe you don't know who your dad is yet, that's the thing.

You haven't met him properly.

-I know who Frank Bruno is.

-So does everyone.

But it's different for you.

-Do you think he thinks he's failed you lot?

-I think, in a way.

I think I just try and pretend

everything's going to be fine all the time.

-But I just...

-Well, hang on. It might be.

I'm not saying fine all the time, because your dad's got

a really nasty illness, but there's no reason

why you can't have good times.

The very fact your dad is still in touch with you, he's going out...

It's good. And letting me do this.

You say in this business, "Nothing predicts the future like the past."

If the person has had illness and come out of it,

they will come out of it again.

It might sound silly, but each one of your dad's relapses

is a chance to learn how to do it better next time.

You see, manic depression is not like dementia.

It's not an irreversible, downward spiralling condition.

Like, you can't hold back the waves, you know?

Manic depression, you can bounce back.

You've got to hold onto that.

-See what I'm saying?

-Yeah. I do.

'I'm determined to build bridges between me and my dad.

'I've decided to run the London Marathon for him

'and raise awareness about bipolar.

'I've always loved running,

'but 26.2 miles pushes your body to a different level'

and my dad's done, I think, four or five marathons before,

'so he knows how hard I've been training

'and the bottles of wine I've sacrificed.'

FRANK: Go on, Rach!

Go on, Rachel! Come on!

Go on, Rach! Wicked!

'I remember my sports days when I was younger,

'he was there cheering me on.

'I saw him and I just sprinted, I was gone.'

Very good.

Well done, Rach.

'He is an athlete and you do want to impress him.

'I want to make him proud.

'I think, if he's there, I probably would run faster.'

-Well done, Rach.

-I knew you'd come first.

FRANK LAUGHS

It will upset me a lot if he doesn't come.

I haven't told him that, but, to be honest, he should know that.

'When my dad was recovering after being sectioned the first time,

'we'd sometimes go to the spa to spend time together.'

-You all right?

-You all right?

-Looking well.

-Yeah.

'I've asked Dad if he'd like to do this again.

'I'm hoping it will make us both more relaxed

'and Dad might be able to open up to me.'

It's so nice to eat healthy.

Mm.

You sure you're all right?

I'm going to keep asking you this, cos I'm just...

But you're fine with me filming today?

Rach, if I weren't fine, I would tell you.

I swear to God, I would tell you. You know what I mean?

I'm not short in coming forward.

Ask whatever you want to ask me.

Just want to know what it feels like to be...

What goes on when you're manic and stuff?

I don't know what goes on when you're manic, you know what I mean?

The chemicals in your body make you react differently.

Do you know that? Do you sleep?

Sometimes I don't sleep.

How do you control that?

How do you... Can you bring yourself down?

Can you bring yourself down? Sleeping? Yeah.

I haven't been manic for ages, Rach. I don't get high...

You must remember, like,

when you have been, what it feels like. Or do you not?

It's hard to know. To explain it, you know what I mean?

Sometimes when you get high,

sometimes you're rushing and you...

..you start tripping over yourself, you know what I mean?

Your brain, speedy more than you should be speedy.

But you may lose control.

OK.

Your highs, like normal human beings, sometimes you've had a good day

and something happens to you, you're high, ain't you?

I'm hyper, yeah.

Should you be sectioned if you're high?

Obviously, bipolar's a different kind of high. It's over...

Off the Richter scale.

I can get hyper. But I know, when I get a headache,

I know when to calm myself down.

Yeah.

-Do you accept that you're ill now?

-Sorry?

Do you accept that you've got bipolar for the rest of your life?

Yeah, I do accept I've got bipolar for the rest of my life,

but I can't accept that every minute,

if I do something crazy,

that someone could send someone around my house to get me sectioned.

I don't accept that at all. I don't accept that one little bit.

The only thing I am struggling to...

I don't think doctors and police would put you in hospital

if they didn't feel like you needed to be there, would they?

-Yeah.

-Remember in New York, you bought tracksuits.

-God knows how many tracksuits.

-True.

-That...

-That was manic.

You can't just buy one. You can't just buy one.

I think you came home with ten suitcases of them. Ridiculous.

You gave me a suitcase.

HE LAUGHS

I then filled that up.

I don't think it was ten suitcases. It was about four.

You know the fairy lights you got in your car? Were they on a good day?

-What?

-The fairy lights you have in your car.

-The disco? The Christmas lights?

-The disco lights.

-Was that you?

-I got them cos I see someone had them in their car

and it was good. Is that a bipolar thing?

-Is that against the law, to have something like that?

-No.

I'm just asking you...

If you've got dice hanging up in your car, what, you got to be

sectioned because you've got dice hanging up in your car?

-I just bought them because it's a nice little thing.

-OK.

'I feel really good, actually.

'I feel my dad's being really open

'and I felt like I didn't have that connection with my dad,

'because I couldn't even ask him what tablets he's on,'

or how he's feeling, because I was scared that he'd just be like,

"Right, you're disowned. You're not my daughter any more."

But now, I've actually got past this hurdle, I'm...

I think I'm feeling more positive about our relationship now.

-Are you scared?

-Yeah, yeah. Very scared. Very scared.

-Hit it with a dumping punch.

-What's a dumping punch?

-Your right hand.

-What, the...

-Your right hand.

Yeah, that's it.

-You feel the power?

-You do, actually.

-That is the money maker, isn't it?

-You want a rest?

-Yeah.

-You hear from your old boyfriend?

-No. Nothing.

He was a whirlwind and he got my hopes up for no reason.

Even Nicola said, everyone was shocked

when he just turned round out of nowhere and said,

-"Oh, I don't really think I'm in love with you." That's random.

-Yeah.

-Relationships, Rach.

-I know.

-I just think, "What?" I'm not cut out for them any more.

-Yeah?

-I don't think I'm cut out for them any more.

-What, relationships?

-Yeah.

HE LAUGHS

'I think they've lowered the dosage of his medication.

'He seems more aware of what's going on. He's not so tired and drowsy.'

Take it easy.

'I think this is good.'

This is good Dad

right now.

'Dad seems to be getting on top of his illness,

'but I know it's staying on top that's the hard bit.

'I want to meet someone who's learned to really manage

'their bipolar and live a relatively normal life.'

-Hello!

-Hello, my love! How are you?

-Good, thank you.

Come on through.

-Welcome to the place where dreams become reality.

-Oh!

'Paul Scates has the same severe bipolar as my dad and yet is

'able to run his own business planning parties and weddings.'

I go above and beyond my call of duty.

I have been known in the past to live with a couple for a week

to get to know their personality so that

I can then inject that into their wedding.

'Paul was officially diagnosed three years ago, but he believes

'his bipolar was triggered by traumatic events in his teens.'

I unfortunately, through a so-called friend of the family, was

abused for many years and I believe that's what kicked it off for me.

-So, it's been quite a journey...

-Yeah...

..but I actually... Although it was horrible at times,

I wouldn't change it for the world, to a certain degree,

because it's made me who I am.

Do you think having bipolar helped you with your career?

People buy me first and then they buy what I can do afterwards.

So, I think, because of my natural gregarious nature, which is

my personality, but I think maybe the bipolar might assist

it along its way, it's helped me no end.

Because people can feel my passion, they can see it. It's a drug.

It's a natural drug, admittedly. But you want to keep going.

You want to get higher. You want to be even more excitable.

And then you look around and you think,

"Oh, God. They're boring." You know?

Cos you're just so passionate and you've got so much energy

and everything is achievable.

I mean, I think it's absolutely paramount, like you are with

your father and stuff, to have support networks around you.

I think, without my family and friends,

I don't know where I would have ended up.

'Paul has invited me for lunch so I can meet his family

'and his boyfriend Rob.'

When did you first tell him that you were bipolar?

I'll let Rob explain. It was by default.

He didn't, because we'd actually come back from a weekend away

and I was unpacking our weekend bag and I found some tablets.

And, obviously, you know,

pill sleeves make that distinctive rattling sound, that crinkling sound.

And he was only in the bathroom. So he heard.

-I was like, "Why did I let him go in the bag?"

-Oh!

"I could have unpacked myself."

-Because we'd only been together, what?

-A month.

-A month.

When you found out Paul had bipolar,

did you have any doubts when you found out?

Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, I did.

There was a time when we first got together that

I did consider getting out of the relationship,

cos I thought, "I understand the condition.

"Am I strong enough to cope with it?"

In our formative stages of our relationship, Paul did

have a couple of highs, and when you try and bring someone down,

when you try and force someone down from a high, it's...

it's very difficult. It is very difficult.

And he has, in the past, said some pretty hurtful,

quite damning things to me,

but I know that's not him saying it.

I know. My dad's done it a lot of times.

I take it personally. You have to remember it's not them.

I did to begin with. That's one reason why I considered getting out,

cos I thought, "My God, this person's horrible."

The way he described it to me was like realising you've got

a winning lottery ticket and someone taking it off of you.

-You will do anything to keep hold of that winning sensation.

-Yeah.

In actual fact, if Paul didn't have bipolar,

I think he'd be pretty dull.

Are you done yet or not?

He doesn't want to be left out of it, does he?

-It's all about me, me, me!

-It is!

THEY LAUGH

Paul and Rob have moved in with Paul's mum and dad.

It's an arrangement that works for all of them.

Well, not only is Paul bipolar, my husband is bipolar.

Their illness affects them both.

How do you find living with a son and husband having bipolar?

If I'm honest, really hard.

I cope better, actually - and I know it sounds awful - with the lows.

-I know my dad's safe when he's low.

-Yeah.

In a way, cos he'll be at home.

Doesn't move out of the chair,

I have to tell him to drink, eat, sleep.

The only downside for the lows is if they're suicidal.

Cos then you feel that you can't leave them.

The highs, you're just not aware, half the time,

till the police turn up at your door or, you know...

So actually, you've had that, the police?

Norman's gone off and disappeared and we've not known where he is.

And he hadn't known where he is.

What his name was, or anything.

I get really angry sometimes with Norman.

He looks like my husband, he sounds like it,

but I've got an alien stood there and I can't...

I don't know if you get it with your dad, but I can't reach him.

We all need the clinical side of things,

but, actually, it's your family and friends,

if you're fortunate enough to have them, that are the make or break.

They don't have an ulterior motive.

All they care about is my wellness.

The key thing that I think that's helped is belonging to

a support group, to talk to other people

who are living the experience.

We've all gone to the groups together.

It's amazing just how open some people can be.

The more you know, the more you can deal with it.

'What Paul Scates and his family said makes sense.

'It's got me thinking about my sister Nicola.'

Hello, Daddy. Good luck for the fight

and I love you and I hope to see you soon.

'Of all us kids, Nicola has borne the brunt of Dad's illness.

'Since the age of 12, she's tried to hold the family together.

'First through my parents' divorce, then as my dad's next of kin.

'She was the one who signed the papers to have him sectioned.

'I found a local self-help group for bipolar sufferers

'and their families, and I've decided to take my sister along.'

Hello.

-I'm Rachel.

-Hi, Rachel.

-Hello.

So, does anyone want to start at all?

I do feel like I don't have as much of a social life as I should

at my age because I feel like I...

It's my responsibility to be there looking after Mum.

I feel like I am not being a teenager. I feel like I'm a parent.

Can I broach the subject of being sectioned?

Losing my mum was the worst.

It took me so long to build back that relationship with her

and I did feel blamed.

My mum would turn round and say, "Oh, look what you've done to me."

And I hadn't done anything.

All I tried to do was help but...

I think that you are a fantastic daughter.

Absolute fantastic daughter.

I just think what you said is really nice to hear,

because I am sure everyone here can relate,

but when someone turns around and says that to you after

everything you've done, it makes a difference because,

I'm sure you two can relate,

you don't feel like you're ever doing enough.

-NICOLA:

-No, you never feel you do enough to help.

You won't ever get, "I'm proud," or, "Thank you very much."

I have never had a thank you.

I had two breakdowns last year and it does still affect me

to this day every so often

but this time I've now had to just block it out.

I said from last year that she now has to look after herself

because I don't want to lose my sister, like I did last year,

and that is what makes the anger come out of me because she just...

Like, you could have potentially lost your new relationship and

that's because of the stress of my dad and his illness has put on her.

I said, "You have got to get to a point, you are 30 years old now.

"You are to be having kids yourself soon

"and you can't go through this again."

How does a person with bipolar want to be treated?

I think I want to be treated as poor with bipolar,

rather than suffering from a disease.

I don't want to let my disease take over my life.

I felt, initially, I was living in a goldfish bowl under observation.

If Dad tells a joke and he is laughing too much,

that maybe he is going high.

If someone asks you a question, what would be the one thing

-that you don't want them to ask you about your bipolar?

-Ask me?

-Yeah.

-I don't have any restrictions.

-Right.

For instance, my one would be, "Are you still taking your medication?"

I don't like that at all.

For me, it's a kind of trust thing, so they don't trust me.

We'll end it there. I just want to thank you all for coming.

Brilliant discussion. And a safe journey home.

ALL: Thank you very much.

-INTERVIEWER: It's a big step tonight?

-I feel like it is.

I feel like I got a new Thursday night plan in my diary.

I'd like to come back. I thought it'd be everybody saying,

"Yeah, my family member's got bipolar and we have

"the greatest relationship. We get on great,"

but it's nice to know that everybody hasn't got that fairy-tale ending.

-They've got exactly the same unbalanced...

-Unstable.

..reality as what we've got.

-See you later, girls.

-See you soon.

'It seems like, for the first time in years,

'we are taking a step forward.'

-ANNOUNCER:

-OK, ladies and gentlemen, now for your very special guest,

a young man who is known as

Britain's best loved sportsman ever - Mr Frank Bruno.

'And Dad is making progress too.

'He is well enough to get back to work making public appearances.'

There is a stigma with a breakdown and a mental illness, Frank,

and you suffered that, especially in your early days.

Yeah, I've got bi-polo, you know what I mean?

I don't know what it is but it's a very, very...

Excuse me.

HE LAUGHS

That one touched you, yeah?

I think there is a lady in the room today what's got bi-polo.

I ain't going to mention no names to embarrass her or whatever.

Years ago, people used to look at mental health and whatever

and cross the road and, "Look at that nutter,"

but people are tending to ease off a little bit

because it could be their mother, their sister, their brother.

It could happen to a teacher, it could happen to a nurse,

it could happen to anybody.

Hi, Dad.

That's all right, I'm not rushing you,

I'm just ringing to see where you are. Just to check.

'I'm beginning to realise it's important

'to just spend time with Dad. No more questions about bipolar.

'So I have arranged to meet him to do some shopping

'and help him out with a few things.'

-I was getting passport...

-Rach?

-Yeah?

-Press...

-Look... You have got to look there then, yeah?

-All right.

He is getting a new photo for his driving licence.

He's got to sort his driving licence out.

-Rach?

-Yeah?

-What have you got to do now?

"Your photo may not..." Oh, that's why.

You're not allowed to smile.

-Not allowed to smile?

-No, not for a passport.

-No?

-No.

-You'll definitely feel the spring when you step.

-Oh, will, I?

'I'm hoping Dad will help me choose some trainers for the marathon.'

Do you reckon they're a bit...?

-Really bright, aren't they?

-Rachel, it's comfort.

You've got to go for comfort rather than what colour they are.

'When my dad is manic, he can't stop shopping.

'But today, like most dads, he's bored.'

Do you reckon you'll come and watch me do the marathon?

-I'm not too sure, you know?

-Why?

-I'm not too sure.

-I might do if I'm not busy.

-I am running it for you,

so you better freaking make yourself free, you know?

Why are you not coming to the marathon, Dad?

-Why might not you come?

-I didn't say...

I'm not too sure, Rachel. I might be busy. I'm not too sure.

Dad was a bit quiet, I think. Quieter than usual today.

I think he wanted to get away quick. But I'm used to that.

He is always kind of like that.

Which is a bit of a shame so I didn't want to press too much.

It was nice of him to come and get them trainers with me, really.

I just hope he comes and watches the marathon now cos

he still seems a bit unsure about that.

When you get older, you will be watching this

and what will you be thinking when you get old?

Will you be saying, "Oh, my God?"

Oh, that's me when I was younger!

'Making this film is raking up a lot of emotions for me.

'And it is forcing me to think about my own life.

'If I'm honest,

'one of my deepest fears is that I'm going to get bipolar too.'

Some days I do get really low and I'm like,

"I can't be bothered to get out of bed or go to the gym."

Even from recently looking at old family videos,

I've always been this hyperactive, in-your-face kind of person.

If I'm quite stressed or I've got a lot of things going on at one time,

I do wake up in the night. I even ran into my bedroom door.

My mum heard the bang.

Then I went into my sister's room and I could not slow my heart down.

I couldn't get it under control.

'I know there are stats that say you are 10 times more likely to

'get bipolar if you have got a parent who has got it

'and that really preys on my mind.'

I think there was someone in Dominica, on his dad's side,

who had a history of mental illness.

Some people in his family, I think, have got something.

I don't know what form of bipolar or what they've got. I don't know.

I know now, from speaking to people

and obviously doing this documentary, that it can be

triggered by something so that is quite worrying.

In the future I don't want to have to go through something

really hard in life and then suddenly I've got bipolar.

'I'm on my way back to visit psychiatrist Mark Salter.

'I need him to be completely straight with me about the risks.'

-Good to see you.

-Good to see you too.

Your risk of being vulnerable to bipolar disorder is significantly up.

-There's no doubt about that.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

That is to say that, you know,

you have inherited a genetic vulnerability to it.

But remember, genetics is not the same as destiny.

Just cos you've got the gene doesn't mean to say you've got the condition.

You'll hear an awful lot of things talked, especially on the internet

where you get some quite sensationalist things -

people that say it is ten times greater risk.

That's not a ten times greater chance of getting the illness

because, remember, genetics is only one small part of the story.

It's the life you live, it's the things you do,

it's kind of the, if you like, stuff that happens to you.

Rachel, have you had repeated blows to the head since the age of 15,

-day in, day out?

-No, I haven't.

-No.

Have you found yourself catapulted into fame,

or having a cocaine dealer

just a phone call away any time you wanted it?

You've probably had more love in your life

-and stability in your life than your dad did.

-Yeah, yeah.

Obviously his dad died when he was young, he went to boarding school.

I have definitely been around a more loving family,

-my family, growing up.

-Now, those things are protective.

So much of what we have been talking about is about not, you know,

being this fragile person who could crack at any moment

but by making, doing and living a life that makes you strong.

It's not like you have got "high risk" tattooed

across your forehead because of what's in your DNA.

And there is nothing wrong with having intense moods.

Yeah, it's normal. It's...

You're young, clever, beautiful,

you've got the whole world ahead of you and you are,

because of those things, going to have a bit of a roller coaster.

-Yeah, up and down. Yeah.

-You know, let's face it,

-anyone whose life isn't a bit of a roller coaster isn't living.

-Yeah.

-That's the way I see it.

-A bit boring, really.

-Absolutely.

-Good luck to you.

-See you later. Thank you very much.

-Take care, Rachel.

-Thank you.

-Have fun.

-Yes, I will.

'I've learned a lot about bipolar these last few months

'and I feel it is time to share some of my experiences with Dad.'

I didn't realise how important it was for me to do this because

when I first started it, I felt really angry but I didn't know why.

-Angry?

-Just cos you were ill and I couldn't help you

and you'd just come out of hospital.

I thought, "I've lost my dad again. Is he going to come back around?"

And I kept saying, "I want an apology. I want a sorry,"

cos sometimes some of the stuff you could say when you've been

manic but you can't remember it can be quite hurtful.

-Yeah.

-But I feel, like, stupid to focus on that apology and get

-so upset about it.

-What, an apology from me?

No, yeah, cos sometimes you can be a bit aggressive or just shout

-but it wasn't you.

-Hmm.

I find it easier to deal with the fact that you've got this for

the rest of your life and I'm always going to be here to support you

and I have just got to trust you and I didn't realise...

One guy said he hates his kids asking him, "How are you feeling?

"Have you taken your medication today?"

-Yeah.

-I shouldn't have to ask you that, should I, really? It's not...

What's wrong with asking me that?

-I just think I should trust you and just be like, "Well, OK."

-Yeah.

-It's something you've got to do, isn't it?

-Yeah.

At the end of the day, the law states I've got to take the medication.

It's me taking the medication for my own good, you know what I mean?

That's... That is...

I actually didn't think I'd ever hear you probably say that.

-What's that?

-You've got to take the medication for your own good.

-Yeah, I've got to take it for my own good, know what I mean?

-That's good.

I've just got to get on with life, you know?

There is much more worser things people's got than bi-polo.

I know. I love the way you call it bi-polo as well.

HE CHUCKLES

Would there be anything you'd want us kids to do differently?

No, not really. At all. You know what I mean?

I wish you could ring a little bit more but you've got your lives

and whatever that it's no biggie. Biggie Small.

-I'd try and ring but I'm not really a ringer, really.

-No.

No, I should have rang you

more last year but I never could cope with you being ill.

When I see you like that,

it makes me back off cos I'm like, "I'm scared."

-And now, it's like it's not so scary cos I know about it.

-Yeah.

I know what you're going...

Well, I don't know physically what you're going through,

-I just know what you need. Just got to be there.

-Yeah.

I'd love for you to end up with a lady here,

-move in, someone to take care of you.

-Say it again.

I'd love for you to have a woman.

I don't think I could move in with a lady, to be quite honest.

Do you know what I mean?

Imagine being an old man, like, when you're getting older,

you need to have some company.

-She'll bake you cakes in the kitchen.

-Cakes?

-HE LAUGHS

-She can make you Sunday roasts.

I can look after myself, you know what I mean?

I don't want to be a burden.

You're not a burden at all.

-See you later.

-Take it easy.

-I'll text you when I get home safe.

All right. Look after yourself.

See you later. Take it easy.

It says, "26.2 is your bitch. Go, Raci B!"

-How are you feeling, Mum? Are you nervous?

-I am, yes.

-Rather you than me.

-Really?

I've been training for this for ages now so I just want to get there

and hopefully make everyone proud and finish it.

-INTERVIEWER:

-Is your dad definitely coming?

Yeah, he's going to be at the finish line. He just rang me

and wished me luck, so he'll be there.

So it's good to have everyone here that loves me.

-Good luck.

-Group hug.

You'll be amazing.

CHEERING

Well done. Well done. Well done.

Hello there. Well done, man.

Well done.

Barefoot? No, you're joking! I can smell the cheese!

HE LAUGHS

My daughter's running the race for Mind

-so I'm just coming to support as her dad.

-Fantastic.

-Do you know how she's getting on today?

-I'm not too sure.

Any time now, she'll be coming in. She's done very well, you know?

I'm very proud of her.

Are you all right? Wicked. Well done. Hello, Rach. You all right?

-Oh, my God.

-Was it hard?

-Yeah.

HE LAUGHS

-Are you all right? What's the matter?

-It's really hard.

You're right, it's the hardest thing ever.

-Thanks for coming, Dad.

-Yeah, no problem. No problem, man.

No problem, no problem, no problem at all, darling.

MUSIC: "Nightdrive With You" by Anoraak

# You beat my heart You blow my eyes

# I guess it's love what I'm feeling

# You beat my heart You blow my eyes

# I guess it's love what I'm feeling

# You beat my heart You blow my eyes

# I guess it's love what I'm feeling Feeling

# Feeling, feeling, feeling... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd