Alone with the In-Laws

Engaged couple Chris and Stacey are getting married this summer.

It will certainly be the best day of my life.

Planning for the big day is one thing,

making a success of the years that follow is another.

We both appreciate that we've got a lot to learn.

Neither of us have done this before.

What do they both expect of married life?

To help them find out, vicar Kate Bottley,

who has married hundreds of couples,

will guide them through an unusual experiment.

Come on, Buster!

'When a bride and groom arrive at their wedding day,'

they bring to the altar all sorts of expectations

about what married life might be.

But, of course, those expectations, they're not always matching,

because they can have such different examples of marriage

in their own parents and in their own families.

I'm going. Bye!

Kate wants Chris and Stacey to spend a few days living alone

with their respective in-laws to be.

-Hello!

-Hi, Chris.

It'll be an opportunity to ask them all kinds of questions.

Were you guys quite lovey-dovey in front of the kids,

quite physically affectionate?

I don't think so. James never used to hold my hand.

So if you can find out how THAT marriage works,

perhaps you'll reveal something about how your marriage

might function in the years ahead.

What will they learn about the person they love...

I understand now why she may have an issue with commitment.

..from the parents who raised them?

I think it could get a bit dull for her.

What does their in-laws' marriage tell them about their partner's

expectations of married life?

I absolutely think Chris is hoping that I'll be like his mum.

She always holds on to her independence, it's, erm...

Yeah, it's tough.

And when they come back together,

after living alone with their in-laws,

will they still feel the same about getting married?

There's things that I've done that is going to potentially cause errors

later on down the line.

I feel like to settle with you

is letting go of my identity,

and I have a really big issue with that.

Kate is in Somerset,

on her way to meet a couple who are willing to try an unusual way

of preparing for their marriage.

I'm on my way to meet Chris and Stacey at their wedding venue.

I'm really excited, actually. REALLY excited!

In just a few months' time,

Chris and Stacey will be tying the knot

at this 14th-century medieval manor.

Oh, wow, this is beautiful.

It's like something out of Henry VIII.

Hello, I'm Kate.

-Stacey.

-Hi, Stacey.

-Chris.

-Hi, Chris. This place is absolutely beautiful. It's amazing.

You must be totally thrilled and so excited about your big day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We... This was, like, our 14th venue...

-No!

-..that we came to see.

Yeah, we saw a few. But when we came here, we knew this was the one,

-didn't we?

-Yeah.

-So you rejected 13...

-Yes.

-..others.

-Yes.

If your marriage turns out as gorgeous as your wedding venue,

you're going to be fine.

-Ah!

-Thank you!

-So, do you want to see around, shall I show you...?

The couple have invited 170 guests

and have a budget of about £30,000.

-Shall we take a seat?

-Yeah.

-Let's do that.

So, you've loved each other for a long... A LONG time, then?

I would say I've loved Stacey for a long time.

It took you... You didn't feel the same, did you?

Er, I just don't think I was ready to see it. But I am now!

They say opposites attract,

and that appears to be the case for recruitment consultant Chris,

who left school at 17 and now earns a six-figure salary, and Stacey,

who is studying for her second degree

while working for a not-for-profit organisation.

Stacey's quite independent by her very nature.

She's quite happy doing her own thing.

Chris is a creature of habit.

He likes his routines, so six o'clock in the morning,

he'll have breakfast, one o'clock, he'll have lunch.

Every day he has the same meal for lunch,

and at six o'clock in the evening, he needs to have dinner.

Then I go to the gym, three times a week,

cos that's the time I can forget about work.

Yeah, he likes the same things all the time, which drives me insane.

32-year-old Chris and 30-year-old Stacey from Bristol

have been together for four years,

but they also had a two-week romance as teenagers.

I've been in love with Stace since the age of 16, you know?

She was the girl that made me laugh.

She literally does just light up the room whenever you see her.

Chris' feelings for Stacey never went away,

and 12 years after their first romance,

he flew to France, where she was working as a translator,

and declared his love for her.

It was kind of, like, I'm just going to tell her how I feel,

and if it works, it works, and if it doesn't, it doesn't.

Luckily for Chris, the feeling was mutual.

Stacey, who lived abroad for eight years,

packed her bags and moved back to Bristol.

I wanted to be stable,

but I saw it as a sacrifice,

and I still see it as a sacrifice.

Nonetheless, last summer, they got engaged.

Stacey's thought processing

to marriage and relationships is completely different to mine.

Since we got engaged,

I've had quite a lot of anxieties about feeling trapped.

We're probably in for massive arguments,

things being thrown across the room,

but that's because that's what I know as marriage.

And I used to hear my parents arguing.

They broke up when I was about 15, 16.

My parents have been together for 35 years now,

and they're so in love.

They're completely solid.

I've never heard my mum and dad argue.

So, Stacey, your parents splitting up,

what concerns has that given you about your own marriage?

That it won't work!

Um...

Yeah, I think marriage working now

is kind of the exception to the rule.

How does that make you feel, Chris?

I don't like thinking about it. It hurts a little bit.

You know, if you get married, it's a lifelong thing.

-I want you to love me like you do now, when I'm 60 and I'm old.

-Mm.

So, there's a real mismatch there, isn't there?

-There is.

-You've come from very different kind of backgrounds,

the marriage of your parents and the marriage of your parents.

That's your blueprint for your own marriage,

so I think it would be really interesting,

because who knows you better than your own parents,

if you spend some time alone with your in-laws,

asking some questions about your in-laws' marriage,

so that you can try and figure out, Chris, where Stacey's coming from,

and you can try and figure out where Chris is coming from.

Because then from that, you can then say, "Well, Chris,

"I really like this feature of your parents' marriage,

"but I wasn't so sure about this."

And if you can understand some of those things,

then you can form the best framework for your marriage.

So I've got something to give you.

-OK.

-These are your questions...

The questions have been written to help them

explore subjects they might otherwise feel awkward

asking about - from children,

to finances, to fidelity.

STACEY SUCKS IN HER BREATH

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I am laughing at the idea of Chris asking my parents,

"What annoys you about your partner?"

And I think both of my parents will have an absolute field day.

LAUGHTER

How are you feeling?

Apprehensive.

It's going to be difficult, but... we're doing it for a reason,

to improve us and get us ready for this marriage.

I think the best outcome in all of this

would be that both Chris and Stacey really get to the heart of something

in their conversations with their in-laws.

That they reveal something that will help them to shape

their own marriage. So I'm glad that they feel rightly nervous,

cos this is a big deal, it's a big deal and it's a big risk.

For the next four days,

Stacey and Chris have agreed to live with their in-laws...

alone.

What question do you NOT want to ask my parents?

All the sex questions. "Is your relationship exclusive?"

Imagine if they answered no. Imagine if they said, "No,

"we're very friendly with Julie and Kevin."

-Oh...

-SHE LAUGHS

It's not funny.

It's not funny!

-Got everything?

-I think so.

Got your phone charger?

-Yeah.

-Your toothbrush?

-Mm-hmm.

-Enough pairs of pants, socks?

-Jumpers?

-Mm-hmm.

Throughout the four days, Chris and Stacey won't talk to each other.

Give me a kiss goodbye.

The next time they speak will be with Kate,

to see what they've learned from their in-laws.

-Miss me.

-I'm sure you will.

No, miss ME!

The only time I've spent alone with Chris' parents are...

..when I was organising Chris' surprise birthday party.

Feeling quite a lot of emotions, really.

Excited, nervous, very apprehensive.

I'm not quite sure what the next four days

are basically going to entail.

Chris has two sets of in-laws to visit.

Before he stays with Stacey's mother,

his first stop is with Stacey's father, Dave, and second wife Nicky.

-Hi, Chris.

-Come on in.

Forearmed is forewarned, I guess, for Chris.

But I think the more he can learn, the more he can understand.

It gives him a better chance of surviving.

Or the marriage surviving.

Dave and Nicky met online 15 years ago

and have been together ever since.

-Want a drink?

-Yeah, I'd love one.

Cider, tea?

-Beer, please.

-We can get a drink, now!

-Yeah, definitely.

-Bathroom's there, as you know.

-Yeah.

-Right, you're going to be in this room, Chris.

-Brilliant.

-Got the rowing machine as well,

in case you get up early and want to do a bit of exercise.

-Good stuff.

-Just don't be too noisy on it!

-Nice.

-And we'll see you downstairs when you're ready.

-Yeah.

-See you in a bit.

It's a bit weird, being here on my own...

Um...without Stace, because I'm always here with Stace.

And just kind of being left to my own devices.

Despite being just 20 minutes down the road,

it will be the first time Stacey

has spent quality time with her in-laws alone.

-Hello!

-Hiya!

-Come on in.

-I'm moving in!

-I was going to say, how long are you staying for?!

LAUGHTER

-Do you want a cup of tea?

-I'd love a cup of tea, please.

Chris' mother Julie and father James

have been married for 35 years,

and were each other's first love.

Chris is the eldest of their three children.

He has a brother and a sister.

-There you go.

-Thank you.

-All right.

What have you guys been up to, then?

Not much, not much.

Tidying up the garden.

-Yeah.

-Um... Shame about the weather, isn't it?

Yeah.

Over the next few days, Stacey will be shadowing housewife Julie,

while financial terms and conditions supervisor James goes to work.

What's going on tomorrow, then?

I get up about ten to six tomorrow

and will be leaving about ten to seven.

You've got some housework.

You're going to be watching me.

A bit of cleaning.

Make the beds...

..and then we're getting James tea.

We've got toad in the hole.

It's going to be like "a day in the life of Julie Dudbridge!"

-It is.

-I'm going to be your shadow.

I'm just worried about all these questions

you're going to be asking me.

As long as it's nothing... too personal.

Here you are.

Ahh! Aw, I love it when you do the rooms up.

With my towels and everything!

-You can have a little dog to keep you company!

-Aw!

It's weird to think that I'm going to be in this bed all on my own.

All right. I'll see you later, then.

Bye.

I would say that pretty much every question here is personal!

I think I might go through this and kind of, as the weekend's going,

feel how the land lays.

I mean, "Who decides how often you have sex?"

I don't feel comfortable

putting James and Julie in an uncomfortable situation.

Stacey may be easing herself into her first night,

but at the local curry house,

Chris and his in-laws are getting stuck in.

So, are we ready to talk about the, um...

..the difficult subjects?

-Fire away.

-So how would you feel if...

..one of you said they found someone else attractive?

Would you feel jealous?

Quite often Nick says these sort of things

and I have to put up with this.

So she says,

for instance, Michael Buble, "Oh, look at him".

Oh, he's lovely! But he's somebody on the TV

that I'm never going to meet in my entire life!

But if I said that in somewhere...

-There was a guy sat over there.

-I would not EVER say that.

-Oh, that's different.

-And if I ever did say that,

I would expect Dave to go bananas.

Do you trust each other 100%?

Yes, I trust Dave 110% or I wouldn't be with him.

When we first met, you were very...insecure.

-Anti-men.

-Anti-men, exactly.

Men just cheat, men are liars, men are horrible people,

men are this, that and the other. And I said, well, I'd like to be

-able to prove you wrong.

-Hang on, you used to say that about women.

Our ground rules from day one were if ever we caught anyone

doing something they shouldn't be doing, that would be it.

But we both have really strong views on this subject, actually,

so it's good that you're asking these questions.

Which is good. Me and Stace haven't spoken about that,

but from my point of view, it's an unwritten rule.

The fact that you're saying it's an unspoken rule,

you should speak the rule and say,

"This is what I expect.

"This is what YOU should expect, this is what WE expect".

-That's important.

-That's how it works.

-Yeah.

-If that happens, you overstep that line, bang,

-it's never going to be the same.

-No.

Over in Bristol,

bride-to-be Stacey is waking up to her first morning

of living with her in-laws.

After making little headway with her questions last night,

it's time to get down to business.

I have a very important question for you, Julie.

-Oh, right.

-How do you and James divvy up the housework?

James has always done the garden and cleaned the car.

And I guess you do all the traditional lady jobs?

Yeah. Because that's probably...

Why do you think that happened like that?

Probably because that's what my mum and dad did.

I didn't, sort of, question it.

And do you think that's fair?

Yes, because I didn't ever think, "Oh, I'm doing this".

What would happen on a normal day?

I haven't really got a set routine, apart from Friday.

I usually get the ironing done.

It's Friday today, so that's what we're doing.

-Great.

-So do you do the ironing at home, then?

-I don't do any ironing.

-You DON'T do any ironing?

Well, I couldn't...

get into a bed...

..without ironing the sheets.

-I'd know.

-You iron the sheets?

I iron the sheets.

I'm not as bad as my mum. She always used to iron my dad's socks,

-but I don't...

-You iron the sheets?

-Yeah.

-But they're going to be creased in the morning!

I know, but it's just the feel of them.

16 years ago, Chris's father in-law Dave divorced Stacey's mother.

It's going to be hard for me to ask questions

and talk about the breakdown of Dave's first marriage...

..because it's probably going to bring up quite a lot of

tough feelings

and stuff he may have never spoken about with anyone.

I can't imagine that you and Angela just split up and it was kind of out

-of the blue...

-Didn't see it coming.

It came in the form of a text message, to be quite honest.

-But...

-Did you and Angela argue a lot?

Yeah.

Yeah, we did argue.

But...

Looking at your mum and dad...

-Yeah.

-I mean, I've played out in bands,

and I've played out in a lot of clubs

and places and venues, and quite often,

you see couples sat there...

..and they don't even talk to each other.

You know, they might go on a Saturday night,

and they're just sat there looking around, having a drink, whatever.

And I think, "What sort of relationship are you in?"

What sort of... So...

That's the other side of it, of sort of longevity.

You know, it becomes complacency, as well.

Yeah. So, you don't argue much with Nicky?

-No.

-Do you think it's good that you argued with Angela?

Do you think it's good to argue?

Yeah, cos she got on my nerves all the time!

Yeah. But do you think it's good to argue?

Do you think it's healthy for a relationship, to argue?

You need to air your views, yeah, and express yourself.

Right, so I shall show you how you SHOULD iron!

-Iron a sheet.

-But these aren't very good.

Flat sheets are a lot easier.

Chris says when he gets into bed, "There's nothing like fresh sheets".

You have put fresh sheets on a whole different level.

Do you think that James sees you being at home as a job?

No. James is quite a hands-on dad.

As soon as he used to come home from work, he'd take over.

-OK.

-And I'd step back, so I'd get the tea,

and he would always bath the...

So, hold on a minute, you were at home with the kids all day?

-Yeah.

-And you did the housework. And when James gets home from work,

he'd then play with the children

-so you could get the dinner on?

-Yeah.

-OK. See, the way

-I

-see that is, you're not getting...

You're not stepping back. You're then carrying on even more.

But then, it's...

When you've been...

all day with the children, it's nice...

Yeah, to do something else.

..do something else.

I want to say, I don't want to see myself living Julie's life,

but that's not because I dislike the way Julie lives her life.

I want to break the mould.

And I recognise that that's going

to come at the cost of my relationship...

but that's...

Er...

It's part of who I am,

and that's not something that I'm going to sacrifice.

For the last 12 years,

Dave and Nicky have run a small printing business together.

Good afternoon. OK, let me just check with Dave.

One second... How are we doing for film?

I think we just had some 480 in.

And today, Chris is lending them a hand.

So, how many hours do you do a day, then?

About seven to eight hours.

Does that affect you guys from a relationship point of view?

When you're spending all work together,

and then at home, there's no respite.

It doesn't really affect anything.

It's just all time together, whether we're in work or whether, you know,

-whether we're at home.

-We're talking all day at work, aren't we?

-Yeah.

So, by the time we get home in the evenings and put the TV on,

-we probably don't really speak much in the evenings!

-No.

So, you're both equally in charge, then, here?

There's no real boss.

-No.

-No?

-We're 50-50, aren't we?

-Yeah.

-And the same at home?

We make decisions between us, and that's the way we've always done it.

Right, I'll just make the beds.

Your son doesn't know how to tuck the pillow into the pillow case

properly. I'm grassing on him!

So, Chris has said to me that when we have children,

he thinks I'm going to stop working.

What would you expect me to do?

Probably, I'd like you to be home.

But you don't want to put that in your mind now...

..like, rebellious.

I think that's what you're doing.

You're thinking, well, that's what's expected of me,

and I'm not going to do what is expected of me.

So, you might be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Well, I think, just after having this conversation,

I'm starting to think that I probably will want to stay at home,

and will want to...

NOT rebel, actually.

-Yeah.

-Because you're showing me a side that I wouldn't consider.

I would automatically kind of autopilot think, "Well,

"I'm going to be missing out on work and promotion opportunities,

"and getting more money",

and actually, if you live quite a simple life,

-where you've not got lots of expenditure...

-Yeah.

-..then you can enjoy it.

-Yeah.

I mean, you're lucky that

Christopher's got quite a good-paid job.

-So, do you know exactly what each other earns?

-Yes.

-Yes.

Do you think it's important to know how much each other earns?

Yeah. If you're going for any sort of financial loans or mortgages or

anything like that, I think it is

important that you know everything about your other half.

Do you guys not know what you earn?

Stacey doesn't know how much I earn.

-She doesn't?

-No.

-Oh, right.

-And does that bother her, or...?

-I skip the subject.

I earn...compared to Stace, quite a lot.

I think she'd find it tough because she's worked,

from an academic point of view, a lot harder than what I have,

but she just gets a fraction of what I earn.

And I don't want to come across as quite cocky.

Maybe I just don't want to risk upsetting her.

But then, the thing is,

throughout your married life, there might be situations that arise

where you might not want to say anything to not upset her,

-but then that's not being 100% as one, is it?

-No.

That's something I think you really need to think about, because that

could cause more harm further along the line than you think.

Yeah. Cos if I'm hiding stuff, Stace could flip it round

-and be like, well, how much other stuff are you hiding?

-Yeah.

It's not all work and no play for Julie,

who's brought Stacey along to her weekly treat.

But a morning of grilling Julie on traditional family roles

has stirred up some more questions for Stacey.

I've been thinking about how, like, when you get married...

-Yeah.

-It's obviously the coming together of two people.

-Yeah.

-And whether or not you lose a little bit of the... Of your...

one person to become the two.

-Does that make sense?

-Yes.

I think that's quite a modern...

way of thinking. I mean,

I know you've got reservations about changing your name.

-I never...

-Do you understand why I feel like that, though?

Well, not really.

Because it's like when people address envelopes,

it's like, Mr and Mrs.

But do I put Mr and Mrs? Because...

..they're not. And then if you have children...

I hadn't thought about the Mr and Mrs one before.

Yeah, and then if you have children...

But Chris could always change HIS name, couldn't he?

How would you feel about that?

I don't think I'd like that.

Why not?

Not following the line.

-So why is it acceptable for me?

-I know, but...

Because I suppose that's part of tradition.

Taking Chris's name is, like, another compromise.

It's like a compromise, isn't it?

You know we were talking about the household chores

and I'm just beginning to wonder whether it's the women

that seem to do all the compromising.

You say about giving up your name.

You gave up your life...

in France and came back.

So, do I just carry on giving?

If we look at it crudely,

what has Chris compromised?

It's difficult to say, isn't it? I don't know.

'If I find out by the end of this weekend'

that the secret to a successful relationship is...

um...

(Sorry.)

(Sorry.)

If I find out that the secret to a successful relationship is, like...

..being, er...

not submissive, but, like...um...

..having to draw that compromise all the time...

..then that would worry me a lot.

I should've started this earlier, because James will be, hopefully,

not long before he gets on the bus.

Back at home, the women are preparing dinner,

which Julie likes to serve as soon as James walks in the door -

one of Julie's recipes for a successful marriage.

We've got a routine now because the transport in Bristol is so rubbish.

He texts me to say he's on the bus.

-Right, OK.

-And then when he gets to the bypass I get...beepy...

I know I've got about ten minutes.

What would happen if his phone broke?

Then we're in deep doodles!

Is it important to you that James has dinner ready

-when he gets home from work?

-It's become a habit.

But then, if tea wasn't ready, it wouldn't be an issue.

Fee-fi-fo-fum!

When Julie's kids were younger,

she cooked a set meal for every day of the week.

Do you think routine is important for a successful marriage?

I think it helps, cos you know where you are.

Bang on schedule... PHONE PINGS

..James sends a text.

I want to see!

-Oh, he put a kiss!

-I've got a kiss!

-And an exclamation mark!

So, what does that mean?

That's probably half an hour.

Go, go, go!

MUSIC INSIDE

# I can feel a new expression on my face

# I can feel a glowing sensation taking place... #

It's Friday night and while Dave fronts his band Mania,

which he's been playing in for the last 35 years,

Nicky's still got concerns about Chris and Stacey's relationship.

It's best to be 100% open about everything.

-Yeah, yeah.

-You know. And I said earlier on,

I don't ever think, when I'm talking to Dave about anything,

I don't think in my mind, "I can't say that cos I might upset him."

-Yeah, yeah.

-I just say it.

Yeah. See, I don't do that at all.

I think about everything I say to Stace

and I think it stems from my parents.

Because they wrapped me up in cotton wool from a child from

an emotional point of view. They wouldn't argue in front of us,

or they'd protect us from things that may upset us.

I've kind of carried that on.

Hi!

Hello! Did you have a good day?

-Oh, yeah.

-Come on, James.

OK.

Come on, Stace.

-Did you have a good day, then?

-Yeah, it was fun.

Did you learn anything?

I learned how to iron a sheet!

-A sheet?

-Yeah.

Good.

-Anything else?

-I learned how to iron a pillowcase.

Good.

Learned lots about you, James.

-All good?

-All good.

-Yeah.

This experiment's making me realise how...

..the parents have a massive effect on their children.

And it shows in the way that I am.

I've been lucky enough to be brought up in a stable home,

where, it's kind of, you don't argue and you try not to have conflict

and things like that, whereas Stacey's been brought up

-in an environment where she does and she's comfortable doing it.

-Yeah.

Me and Julie have covered loads of ground today.

And I was saying about how Chris

has said a couple of times that you never argued in front of him.

I wasn't aware of that, were you?

No, I can't remember.

We've been talking about me changing my name.

And what is your...

..intention?

I haven't fully decided.

It's one of the things that we clash about quite a lot,

is the conflict management, in a way.

I shy away from it and pretend everything is all right,

whereas Stacey would prefer to express it and really dwell on it,

if you see what I mean.

What else has been going on, James?

Nothing.

-That's not helpful.

-We'll just sit here in silence, then, shall we(?)

'I think he's just tired. You know, he's been at work all day.

'I think I have pushed enough today.'

We're not used to spending that much time together, anyway.

So to spend the whole day together, with me, kind of...

..being so inquisitive. It's like a child, really.

Well, I am, like an energetic kind of bunny child, like...

"Ask me this!" You know, "Answer me this". Or...

I'm mindful of that.

So I think this evening I'll probably just try and keep out of

the way a bit and give them a bit of a break from me.

Yeah.

I've spent a lot of time with Julie. I know how Julie thinks and feels.

We've gone through quite a lot of the parenting stuff.

All these conversations seem to be naturally happening.

What I'm really keen to do is have a chat with James

and see what his take is all on it.

Cos I think that would be really interesting.

-Hello.

-Hiya, all right?

-Yeah, you?

-Yeah. You sleep all right?

So, is this something you do every morning for Julie?

No, only at weekends.

Toast, tea, in bed.

I think my dad always used to take my mum a cup of tea,

so I've just carried on.

I'll just take this up to Julie a moment.

-OK.

-Thank you, Dave.

-All right.

-Thank you, Nicky.

-That's all right.

-All right.

I'll see you soon. Thank you for everything.

-We'll see you soon.

-Yeah. I'll see you in a bit, all right.

Having visited one half of Stacey's family,

it's time to leave Dave and Nicky

to spend time with Stacey's mother.

The stuff I've learned has been invaluable.

I think we've identified that me and Stacey have got unwritten rules

that I think need to be written.

I think I need to be a lot more open with Stacey

and to stop protecting her from things that may upset her.

Just to be open with her.

And now I've got you on my own...

Oh, no!

I'd like to ask you a couple of questions.

-Oh, no.

-I won't ask you loads.

-What have you got there?

Like, one of the questions here,

is, "How do you show affection in a relationship?"

"Is it important to do that?"

Yes. Treats is one, I would say.

Like what?

Surprise birthday...

things and going away.

-For weekends.

-Do you love each other equally?

Is it a problem if one of you loves the other one more?

We give equal amounts to the relationship, I would say.

Do you think marriage makes who you are?

Well, that's a good question.

I'd be probably a totally different person if I hadn't married.

Do you ever feel like you're compromising?

Well, I think, yeah, you've got to, haven't you,

with a successful relationship?

It's like you not wanting to change your name.

Whereas when you first mentioned that, it seemed very strange to me.

But the more time I've had to reflect on it,

the more I can understand it.

Let's put it that way, yeah.

That means a lot, actually.

Yeah. Let's talk about children, then.

Have you got a...

-..vision?

-I think Chris and I would like children.

Chris wouldn't have children outside of wedlock.

I...would.

-So, would you?

-I'd be more ready to have children

than I am ready to get married. If that makes sense?

Does that make sense?

But don't you think that children,

as they got older, would they not feel...

..affected by the fact that their parents weren't married?

No. I see no difference between their parents being married

and their parents not being married.

-Mm.

-Do you?

Being sort of from a different generation, yeah, I think so.

KNOCKING

-Hello!

-Hiya!

-All right?

-Come on in.

-How are you, you OK?

-I'm all right.

-How are you?

-Good to see you. Yeah, good, thank you.

Stacey's mother Angela hasn't remarried.

She's in a relationship, but lives alone.

-Cuppa, Chris?

-Yeah, I'd love a cup of tea, that would be brilliant,

-thank you.

-That is sticky toffee pudding.

For me?

Yeah, if you want some, yeah.

I made it specially for you.

Legal secretary Angela was married to former electrician Dave

for 20 years.

And they had a son and daughter together.

Do you think Stacey takes after you?

In looks? Sometimes I can see it.

But personality, she does, as well.

Yeah? What do you think...? What's similar?

Well, I think you know what you think's similar!

We're, um...both a bit stubborn.

-Expressive.

-Expressive is the word!

-Expressive.

-We don't mince our words.

-No.

So you thought she was going to marry, what, a European man, or...?

I always thought that she would meet, probably, a Frenchman.

-Frenchman?

-Because she's spent a lot of time in France.

Yeah. When we first got together, it was like, she really missed it.

And she did struggle, coming back.

Mmm. Because Stacey had to give up her career.

Yeah, she did. She found the perfect job that she loved,

in the perfect town that she loved.

-But love brought her back here, didn't it?

-It did.

# Love is in the air

# Everywhere I look around

# Love is in the air... #

It's Saturday evening,

and James and Julie have brought Stacey to a place

that has special significance for them.

This was where we had our first date.

-Oh, is it?

-Yeah.

-Oh!

-What date was it?

-19th of August?

-Yeah.

-Oh, I got it right, 19th of August, 1978.

-Did you get a kiss on the first date?

-No.

Did you try and go in for the kiss on the first date?

Those questions weren't allowed.

-What?

-Not a proper kiss.

Kisses are important!

Chris gives me lots of kisses.

You didn't have a kiss on the first date, then?

That was one of my questions on my list -

whether you should wait until your wedding night to have sex.

Times have changed, haven't they? So Chris and I live together.

-Yeah.

-Of course, Chris and I are waiting until our wedding night.

Until your wedding.

Yeah.

Were you guys quite lovey-dovey in front of the kids?

Quite physically affectionate?

Don't think so. James never used to hold my hand.

Would you have to grab his hand?

It was... That was something you never...

He always found that quite...

He used to get embarrassed about that.

-If we were...

-What, people seeing it?

-Yeah.

But if you're on your own, it's different.

If we were away from anybody that we might know, he would.

But if we were with people...

Then he'd be all over you.

Nah!

There is an importance, isn't there, of the physical side of things?

Or not?

It's never been important to me.

-As such.

-James is quiet, because he's not saying anything.

Yes, he's not saying anything.

It's not fair. I think you need to start talking.

Come on, James.

Help me out. I'm not asking you how often you have sex...

-No.

-..and the details of that,

but I'm just saying, does that change over time?

I think it does change over time.

Marriage evolves with each stage, I think.

Sometimes it's more important to one than the other.

-That's where compromise comes in, yeah?

-Yes.

Just closeness is enough sometimes, in the marriage.

-You don't have to be physical, if you see what I mean.

-Yeah.

'I pushed as much as I felt comfortable.'

It sounds like they didn't even have any public displays of affection

in front of the kids, and I remember my parents did.

But they also had the converse, you know, the arguments as well.

So maybe it's just that they're keeping a happy medium and having...

They're keeping that level of stability.

You know, not the arguments, but also not the real highs,

when they're going to be kissing one another, as well.

Tonight, Chris is leaving his questions behind

and joining Angela in one of her many hobbies.

Angela's brought me to a salsa dancing lesson.

I thought it might be a good idea for you and Stacey

-to do an activity together.

-Yeah.

I thought it might be an idea for your wedding night,

for an opening up dance.

Yeah, yeah, could be. Yeah.

No, I'm not happy. Not keen.

I don't dance. It's the most unnatural thing to me.

I'm sure you could do it, Chris.

You can do it, Chris.

Honestly!

I've never danced.

I've never, like... Even when we go out, I don't dance.

I stand on the edge of the dance floor and just do nothing.

That's it.

Five, six, seven...

Not letting Chris give up,

Angela's persuaded him to take part in a beginners' lesson.

To the right... One more to the left.

OK, ladies, find your man.

Gents, your left hand in the lady's hand.

-HE MUMBLES

-Hmm?

-Two more minutes.

-Right hand on the lady's shoulder.

Forwards, step, together.

Back, step, together.

Forward, step, together.

Back, step, together.

But after just five minutes,

Chris throws in the towel.

-You all right with this?

-No, we're done now.

You've got enough of me now.

-Are you staying together? Swap?

-You've got enough of me now.

Not sure why he's left now...

Five, six, seven...

I've actually told Stace that I don't like dancing.

She's accepted that, and she doesn't push me.

And I feel a bit...

I feel a bit of an idiot, really.

But it's just something I don't like doing.

I thought Chris was really easy-going

and I know my daughter sulks,

but I never understood that Chris sulked.

It makes me feel a bit frustrated,

because I know she loves life and I know she wants to try everything.

How did you get on?

-It was all right.

-Better than me.

No, you were all right.

The other guys weren't any better than you.

I'm sorry if I upset you.

You didn't upset me.

OK, now you're going to push off your right foot...

'He's quite stable, like his parents are.'

And I think it could get...

..a bit dull for her, and that worries me.

Because I know all Chris wants is a stable life with children,

housewife at the sink, and he'd be happy.

And my daughter doesn't want to be tied to the sink.

She wants to go out and explore the world.

So you've got your laminate worktops over there,

-of which there are...a lot of different types.

-Yeah.

James and Julie are in the market for a new kitchen.

So you'd have the splashback, all this bit going round.

An opportunity for Stacey to see how they make big money decisions

in their marriage.

-So there's quite a lot of choice, by the sounds of things?

-Yeah.

I want to have...

the gloss finish...

-..and flush.

-You've been quite quiet, James.

It's Julie's domain.

Who's...? How come?

No, no. It's her...

-I suppose it's what

-I

-want.

But then, probably, it will be you that says, "No,

"we can't afford that much."

James manages the household finances.

The most interest he's ever paid is 20p, due to a credit card error.

So, ultimately, you make the decision together.

-Yeah.

-And you reach little compromises together.

That can be quite a long-winded thing.

Probably told you the story about the net curtains.

I'd seen these net curtains and James saw them, and he said, no,

he didn't like them. So it took us six months to buy some net curtains.

I don't like rushing into anything.

Let's go and pick this table, then.

With an impending marriage,

Chris and Stacey are also facing big money decisions on furniture

for their home.

And for the last year, they've been in need of a dining room table.

This one's a nice one, Chris.

That's really nice. They're 16, 1,700.

-But this is exactly the type of table...

-Yeah, it is nice.

..Stace would want.

But unlike James and Julie, decision-making isn't the problem.

Money is.

We kind of had an agreement that we'd go 50-50 on...

Or try to go 50-50 on everything.

If I purchase something for the house and it's not been Stacey's,

she doesn't feel like it's hers.

So you're having to wait and wait, and wait.

-Yeah.

-..to have a new dining table and chairs in your house?

-Yeah.

Chris earns different amounts than what I do,

so, if we bought a dining room table,

it's important to me that I would pay for half of that

and Chris would pay for half of that, and that would be OUR table.

But you could afford one now, couldn't you?

-Yeah, I could.

-I think you have to be a bit more determined,

a bit stronger, and say, "We're getting married.

"It's not just about one or two.

-"It's about both of us".

-Yeah.

When you are married, you suddenly...

Things will change, because at the moment, you're still...two people.

-When you're married...

-We'll still be two people!

In a sense, but you're... more of a one.

Yeah.

-So, get it.

-Yeah.

Stop dithering.

I'm getting told off here. I'm getting lectured!

Well, you can be a bit indecisive, both of you.

Indecisive about wedding venues and...

..dining table and chairs.

I think I was decisive about the wedding venues.

I think I was quite clear in that

there were certain venues I didn't like.

But you had to go and see all 60 of them?

14. It was probably the only thing that I've been really strong on

in the four years I've been with Stace.

When she said, "I liked it," I was just like, "No."

-I don't know why that was.

-Well, it's important to you.

Yeah. But we chose wisely.

We always choose wisely.

There is a slight possibility that maybe Stacey hasn't wanted to buy...

..an expensive dining room table because maybe she didn't know

where the relationship was going.

You know, I still think to this day there's still a block in Stace,

there's still barriers up where she maybe not 100%...

believes in marriage.

It's tough, because Stacey deserves to be loved.

She's a great girl.

And, um...

I just feel like if she just let herself go and let her be loved,

she'd benefit. And there's just something that won't...

She always holds on to that independence, and it's, um...

Yeah, it's tough.

Today is the last full day Stacey is spending alone with her in-laws.

I'm veering away from the questions.

I asked them most of the questions.

I think it's now more about the reflection.

I'm enjoying getting to know Chris's parents as individuals.

-Hi, there.

-I'm gaining a lot more insight into James and Julie's

relationship, and how they work together as a team.

I've learned that James and Julie are both very comfortable

in the roles that they play.

So, why are we buying her flowers?

Just as a gesture of appreciation.

Just to say thank you for what she does.

-To show your love?

-Mm. That's great, thanks very much.

Thanks very much indeed.

They're just full of love

and I think it's all about what they're doing for the other person.

They're just all-loving.

Hiya. Got you some flowers to say...

Oh, thank you!

-Thank you for everything.

-Thanks!

There's so much goodness there.

They don't even argue!

There's no conflict there, at all.

-Do you like the colours?

-I do love them. I love gerberas.

I think they have their lives in such a way that they are...

wholly devoted to one another.

Maybe I've got quite a lot of learning to do.

I need to become a better person.

Someone that's better for Chris to marry, really.

Hmm.

To help take her mind off the breakdown of her first marriage,

Angela started playing badminton,

which she still plays once a week.

What was the breakdown in your marriage with Dave?

I think we both made mistakes.

I think maybe we both got complacent,

didn't spend enough time with each other.

-We both had our own hobbies.

-Mm-hm.

We both found other interests.

And maybe other people...

Other people along the route, as well.

And we just went our separate ways.

Stacey's mentioned that there's...

..maybe a history of relationships

going wrong from your side of the family,

the female side of the family. She worries about that.

Mm, I suppose it's true.

But I suppose it is a bit worrying if she's thinking that she's got,

sort of, like, the genes that go with it.

Maybe I need to speak with her, and maybe...

from an infidelity point of view, tell her, right,

"If you were unfaithful, you throw it all away."

Cos at the moment, it's an unwritten rule.

We've never actually spoken about it.

You know, when I got married,

I never analysed those sort of things,

because we never were negative about our marriage.

It's just to me, it seems a bit negative when you're talking

about getting married and you're talking about what happens if...

If...I went off with someone else.

-Mmm.

-I wouldn't even dream of thinking about that question.

-Really?

-No, I wouldn't.

I just... No, I wouldn't.

But maybe that's where I've gone wrong.

Do you think it's a problem

if one person loves one more than the other?

No, but one would hope that you both love each other the same.

-Mmm.

-Do you think that

one loves more than the other in this relationship?

I think one expresses it more. I think I express it more.

I think I'm more comfortable with being in love.

I think Stacey struggles a bit sometimes.

I don't think you'll get that out of her.

I'm exactly the same.

We can feel it in our hearts.

-Yeah.

-But I don't want...

There's a barrier that doesn't want me to say...

..say that "I love you," or express my feelings,

just in case that person lets me down.

I could see some of Stacey in Angela.

I understand now why she may have an issue with commitment.

I understand now why she struggles from an expression point of view.

Aw!

I'd marry you if I was older, and I didn't have Stace.

No, you wouldn't like to marry me!

It's the end of Chris and Stacey's time living with their in-laws.

I feel like I know James and Julie inside out, really.

They've kind of opened up their marriage to me

as much as they're willing to, or as much as they're able to.

So that Chris and I can really benefit.

I'm really just looking forward to getting home with Chris and just...

being with him, not even speaking, really.

Just snuggling up and having a cuddle.

OK, well, it's been lovely having you here.

-Bye!

-Bye!

It's really nice to have you around.

-Yeah, it's been good.

-And it's sort of like mother and son, really.

It is a bit.

I didn't think Chris was the perfect man for Stacey,

but I've found out that he's got a sense of humour, he's kind.

And I hope she realises that she has got a good man.

To discuss what they've learned,

Kate has asked Chris and Stacey to meet her at a country hotel nearby.

It's been four days since Chris and Stacey have spoken to each other.

It's time to discuss their thoughts on what they've learned

from living alone with their in-laws.

-Hello!

-Hello!

-You OK?

-Yeah, are you?

-Mm-hmm.

-Did you miss me?

-Yeah.

-Hello.

-How are you?

-Yeah, good.

-Had a good weekend?

-Yeah.

-You OK?

-Yeah, I'm really well.

Probably got to get down to the business bit, haven't we?

So how was it? Was it as hard as you thought it was going to be?

The one thing that kept on coming back was how important it is

to invest in every single area of the relationship.

And I'm surprised, actually,

of how many areas there are to a relationship.

And you just can't take it lightly.

-The moment you let one slip, then it all goes.

-Mm.

It sounds to me like one of the things you learned

was just how important every little bit is.

I had so many light bulb moments.

-Really?

-There's things that I've done

that is potentially going to cause errors later on.

-Like what?

-Not telling you things because I worry how you'll react.

Protecting you from things that would hurt you.

And how did you learn that?

Through asking about salary with Dave and Nicky.

Oh, right. So the money questions?

Yeah. There is a big gulf in our salaries.

And I don't want to belittle you,

and the reality is, it has held us back. The DIY upstairs

held us back because you didn't want me to do it

because it would stress you out.

-I want to get where you're coming from, first.

-Yeah,

it's the sense of ownership for me.

But the wedding vows that you make, are, "All that I have, I give

"to you, all that I am, I share with you."

Everything you have automatically is halved down the middle.

Even if he's bringing in four times your salary.

-Yeah.

-But how does that feel?

Yeah, it's tough to accept that.

It's tough to accept that.

-And do you think that's about your independence?

-Yes, definitely.

These last ten years, I've spent...

..developing a sense of identity,

individuality, I've done a lot.

And I feel like...to settle with you is letting go of that.

And I have a really big issue with that.

And what did you find out this weekend about that?

That I need to let go. But it's...

Now I'm starting to see that I need to let go of the bad bits

and gain the good bits.

And what are the good bits?

Chris's good bits. The bits that I love about Chris.

The thoughtfulness, the caringness, the patience. Are you OK?

Yeah?

-You're not.

-Huh?

-You're not.

-I'm fine.

And in staying with Chris's parents,

what did you learn about what there is to not be scared of

in losing your independence?

They're really happy. They're really in love.

Yeah, they're just so content.

And therefore, if they're still in love and completely happy,

then it's possible for you to still be in love all those years later

-and still be happy.

-Yeah, yeah.

I think the theme of holding each other back is running through this.

-We don't want to hold each other back.

-Mmm.

We want to push each other forward.

-Mmm.

-The thought of stunting each other's development is not a nice...

-..not a nice thought.

-No.

-And so that's been a bit of a revelation?

-Yeah.

-That's progress, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-And what did you learn about yourself this weekend?

To keep things not going stale,

you need to be open and try new things and introduce new things

to a relationship to keep it fresh and to keep it fun.

-Did you have fun?

-Yeah, I had a really good time.

It was fun because I got to build relationships with Dave and Nicky

and Angela that were never there.

And I got to talk about Stace,

and got to ask them lots of things

that I know that's going to help me and help our relationship so much.

But with your mum, it was from the moment we sat down,

there was an emotional connection because we were speaking about you.

She knows how fond I am of you, and I know how much she loves you.

Mmm. Was she very emotional?

She's pleased that I'm there for you.

I've really learned a lot about your dad this weekend.

And have grown very fond of him.

It's lovely, because when you're talking about him,

-you get this big smile on your face.

-He makes me laugh, he's funny.

-He's a very funny guy.

-Did you know he was funny?

He used to kind of, like, joke,

but I used to feel quite nervous about how far I could push that.

And I think I can push that as much as feels comfortable for both of us.

-Do you feel like they love you?

-Definitely.

Absolutely. 100%.

Looking forward to your wedding day, looking forward to your marriage?

It makes me feel excited about the future!

Yeah, it's positivity and excitement.

Yeah, definitely.

-Hello.

-Hello, I'm Kate. Nice to meet you.

-Hello, Kate.

All right? How are you?

It's been such a valuable experience, I think, for all of you,

spending some time alone.

But I would like to get a promise from all of you.

And so I ask you, as Chris and Stacey's family,

to pledge your support for them.

Would you stand?

Seeing them today, I think they have got an awful lot out of it.

Will you, the family,

do all that you can, for as long as you can...

This exercise will help them to work on their relationship,

because it's been such an open form of communication.

..to support and encourage them in their marriage?

I will.

I will.

'One thing that was blatantly obvious

'is how much he actually loves Stacey. That was so obvious.'

So, yeah, it's been a good exercise.

Now, shall we go and get a glass of champagne?

-Yeah, definitely!

-Definitely!

I'm just really passionate now about being the best husband I can be

to Stace. Cos I know I'm not perfect and I never will be,

but I'll just give everything I've got and be fully committed to you.

You sweetie.

And I feel the same. Ditto!

-Cheers, everyone.

-Yeah, cheers.

'I think it's been really successful for Chris and Stacey.'

They really, wholeheartedly threw themselves into this process

and I think that's why they got so much out of it.

But I think that this is not the end of something,

it's just the beginning of something.

I think it's a brilliant foundation for their married life.

If you think this is a good way to prepare for a big commitment in your

relationship and you'd like to take part in possible future programmes,

go to...

MUSIC: It Takes Two by Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston

# One can talk about being in love

# Two can say how it really feels

# One can wish upon a star

# Two can make that wish come true, yeah

# One can stand alone in the dark

# Two can make the light shine through

# BOTH: It takes two, baby

# It takes two, baby

# Me and you. #