Britain's Relationship Secrets with Anne Robinson

I've spent a lifetime asking awkward questions,

the ones we all want to know the answers to but, apart from me,

are probably too polite to ask.

Why are you still a virgin at 32?

-You don't have to answer it.

-OK.

What about the bits below, do you shave them?

-Yes, I have shaved.

-That's a really below-the-belt question.

Of course it is.

I've been up and down Britain,

putting people on the spot about things that really matter to them,

but they'd rather not reveal.

Are you in a relationship?

It's complicated.

Tonight, I'm shaking and rattling relationships.

Oh, my God! This is crazy.

No, no, I'm freaking out!

Are you happily married, or do you just look as if you are?

I thought we had a fairy tale marriage...

..and we haven't.

What's the key to marital bliss?

I flex the pecs.

Is it money and status?

I'm going to live part-time in this beautiful house

and I've got a title...

And do successful couples need to agree on everything?

Who made me into a nag?

You did.

I'm also going to give two volunteers the chance to pry

into each other's lives.

I thought he was maybe a cross-dresser,

-and you guys have to share clothes...

-Really?

What I want to find out is...

how happy is your relationship?

# Ooh, you make me live, now, honey

# Ooh... #

There are 18 million couples in Britain.

Almost three quarters of those are married.

How does that work?

-Are you happily married?

-Oh, God, yeah. He's my best friend.

-Really? How long have you been married?

-20 years.

What makes a good partner?

You need to fancy the other person, constantly.

Is sex important?

-Yeah. Absolutely.

-How many times a week?

Reasonably frequently, actually. It's good.

-Well, I'm separated.

-Why?

Differences in lifestyle.

OK. What's your lifestyle?

I'm probably relatively boring.

Have you tried being less boring?

# L is for the way you look at me... #

What's the thing you like best about your partner?

There's a lot of things really, but she can't tell a lie.

I quite respect that. I'm quite good at lying.

She's funny. She's clever.

She's just...

she's just great.

# V is very, very extraordinary

# E is even more than anyone that you adore... #

Cards on the table, I've had two lovely husbands

and divorced them both, so I'm permanently intrigued

how other people can get the hang of marriage and I never could.

Is it enough to be in love?

Well, probably not.

What else do successful couples have to have to keep them together?

Research shows, not unsurprisingly,

that couples who play together are more likely to stay together.

I'm at a St George's Day celebration in Hertfordshire.

Medieval re-enactment is Malcolm's hobby.

A wife would surely have to be besotted

to play his damsel on a day like today.

I'm sorry it is so cold.

What are you doing here on a freezing cold day?

-Don't ask.

-Enjoying ourselves.

-Are you?

-This is our big hobby.

We do this rain, snow, sun, shine, whatever.

And the re-enactors' motto is we're all here because we're not all here.

Malcolm is semi-retired.

The couple have been married 31 years.

Oh!

Oh, he's...! Oh, no.

Hooray!

CHEERING

That's an awful lot of palaver on a very cold day

so that Malcolm can enjoy himself.

You're quite right, it is.

But I think it's something that's really important

because it's something we enjoy doing together.

Is that part of the secret of a happy marriage?

Well, I think it is.

It's...it's tolerance, isn't it?

Everybody has to give and take,

and this is what we do. We give and take.

Are you happily married?

-Yes, we are.

-On a scale of one to ten?

I suppose we're about nine and a half.

-Really?

-Yeah, absolutely.

-But it hasn't always been like that.

-Oh, God, no.

No, it hasn't.

What happened?

Well, Malcolm had an affair.

Wow!

-So...

-How long before you found out?

Apparently it was six years, which is ridiculous in hindsight.

-Six years.

-Six years!

And when you confronted him, what was his excuse?

He didn't really have an excuse,

but he did say,

"I thought we had a fairy tale marriage,

"and we haven't."

So, to soothe his disappointment,

Malcolm decided to make matters worse by cheating on Janet.

Astonishingly, getting away with it for six years.

Alas, he's in the majority.

A whopping 60% of men will play away at some point in their relationship,

while only 45% of women will.

But here they are together, ten years on.

And according to Janet, the marriage is blissful again.

I just wonder how they managed to revive the relationship

after trust had gone out of the window.

-What would you like to drink?

-A cup of tea, if you're making one.

Yeah. Absolutely.

Because I'm very, very nosy,

I saw it being opened earlier.

Two irons...

..and two ironing boards.

-Why?

-Well, because the theory was, when we were both working full-time,

on a Sunday, we'd put a film on and we'd do the ironing each,

and we could whistle through it.

Is this an example of things you do together?

It's not an exciting thing we do together, is it?

I think it's quite endearing.

Indeed, Malcolm says he now behaves like a good husband.

So, what led him astray?

How did the affair begin?

Um...

Janet and I weren't going through a very good period at the time.

And this woman made it very, very obvious that she was interested.

Every time I saw her, she made it absolutely plain.

And, after two years,

I thought, what the hell?

What do you think it is about you that women are drawn to?

I'm told women find me dangerous...

-Do you?

-Yeah.

I'm not sure if I'm dangerous sexually,

or if I'm dangerous physically,

-or...

-Have you always had a good body?

Yes. I flex the pecs.

Wow!

Do you think it was her fault, this other woman?

-What, the affair?

-Yeah.

It was my choice to join in,

but she absolutely made a total beeline for me.

Did you imagine...

..Janet's feelings should she find out?

Janet had always said, if I have an affair,

that's the end.

I had a woman that was just great in bed and all the rest of it, so,

the thing uppermost in my mind was to make sure she didn't find out.

For six years...

..you had been unfaithful to Janet.

Where was your shame, Malcolm?

I didn't have any.

And that appals me.

And Janet found out.

She said to me, tell me you haven't had an affair with that woman.

And I said, I can't.

Please don't leave me.

He burst into tears.

-I burst into tears.

-And I cuddled him.

-Did you?

-Yes!

Did you feel sorry for him?

I felt relief that I wasn't the stupid one,

that my suspicions were actually real.

And then I thought we could deal with it.

You never forget. Women are like elephants.

They never forget.

But, in order to forgive,

you have to make a conscious effort.

Why on earth did Janet stick by Malcolm

after such a record of blatant infidelity?

Anyone hearing your story...

-Mm.

-..would think how astonishing of you...

..to be so generous of spirit, and to forgive.

Generous of spirit to Malcolm, yes.

To forgive. To forgive her?

Never. If I saw her now, I'd claw her eyes out.

And it's taken a REAL effort, I can tell you.

Far more than perhaps he realises.

It was SO difficult.

For a good few years afterwards, you know, if we were making love,

all I would think of is her and him together.

And you have to make a conscious effort

to close your mind off to that.

Janet, why did you forgive him?

Because I wanted the marriage to continue,

and because I think he deserved another chance.

People are just far too ready to give up on things.

"Oh, he doesn't work. Throw him away and get somebody else."

Life's not black and white like that.

When you look back over 31 years...

..the happiness and the relationship you have now,

has it all been worth it?

Yes.

Do you love him?

I suppose I do!

For my money, Malcolm is a very lucky so-and-so.

Most women would have told Janet to kick him out.

But, hang on a second.

Because Janet showed compassion and worked through his betrayal...

..she's gained another ten years of happiness with him.

So, forgiveness can work.

From the outside, it's almost impossible to pinpoint

what keeps a couple together.

To help us explore, I've asked two very different couples

to live in each other's pockets for a while,

to see what they can find out.

Meet the Burkes - Claire, 49, and a full-time mother,

husband, David, 43,

and their seven-year-old son, Jay,

who has Down's syndrome.

Claire and Jay live in this house in Bradford

with Claire's three other sons from a previous marriage.

David, who's a firefighter, doesn't live here, ever.

We've been together 15 years,

and we have never lived together in the same house.

David and Claire's living arrangement is

part of a growing trend known as LAT, or living apart together.

It now accounts for 10% of us.

The fact that I've got my own house makes our life

a little bit more flexible.

We both get to keep our separate identities,

so we're both essentially the same person

when we both met 15 years ago.

For me, it still feels like dating.

My tummy still jumps when I see him.

David's shifts mean that the time they spend together

is during the day,

but, at night, they're in separate houses.

Other people do want the cuddles on a night.

I love David, but I don't want him here.

I get to watch what I want to watch on TV.

There are no mucky boxers lying around.

I don't think there's any cons of living apart.

What will Claire make of a very different kind of relationship?

She's had no warning what sort of couple she's about to pry on.

It seems really strange trying to pick clothes.

You could be meeting a vicar's wife.

I could be mixing with swingers,

not that I know what they wear, but I still want to fit in.

Right!

200 miles later, Claire arrives in the Royal Borough of Windsor.

I can't believe these people actually live so close to the Queen.

The couple she's visiting are out for the morning.

Claire is free to snoop as she pleases.

This feels really weird, going into somebody else's house.

Feels like I'm invading their privacy.

What a beautiful house!

I'm not seeing much of a man's touch in here.

This room oozes an awful lot of love,

a very, very close couple.

More initials, bless 'em.

It's very intense, the amount of mementos and little love signs.

I'd be like... just back off a little bit.

I know you love me.

To help her in her quest, the couple have left a handbook,

detailing what they think makes their relationship work.

Welcome to our home.

We believe that in each other we both found our soul mates,

the other half of ourselves.

I don't want to be another half of somebody else.

I want to be me,

and that's why me and David work.

We don't have personal boundaries with each other.

We never lock the bathroom door.

The one time my partner did, I used a coat hanger to break in.

I don't get that.

I don't get that at all.

OK. So, first big tip, no lock on the bathroom door.

Between the handbook and a good rummage,

has Claire cracked the sort of couple she's about to meet?

-Hello.

-Hi!

How lovely to meet you!

-I'm Megan.

-Hi. I'm Claire.

Hello, I'm Whitney.

-Hiya.

-Lovely to meet you.

-You as well.

-Are you married then?

-We've got a civil partnership.

So, we're looking to convert it to a marriage now that it's legal.

Over here, we've got Wegan.

Where does that come from?

Whitney and Megan...

Wegan!

-It's like a joint...

-It's a mashup name.

We're very like needy, from a...

I wouldn't say needy, but very co-dependent

from the start of things.

She was like, Wegan.

-You're as one.

-Oh, lovely!

Claire will spend two days with these soul mates,

observing their life,

before Whitney has a chance to snoop on Claire.

Do you two actually share make-up?

We share the same foundation, powder, eye shadow,

-blush, bronzer, everything.

-We're buying clothes together as well.

We could be sharing things,

but there's not much that's really mine or hers.

-We share clothes and...

-Merge.

If these two share make-up and dress in the same clothes,

what about the outfits for their big day?

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, my goodness!

Yeah, let's do the love heart.

She gave us the veils as well.

Oh, my God, this is crazy.

No. No, I'm freaking out.

For someone who lives under a different roof to her husband,

a couple who share everything must seem very scary.

Do you have any social life apart?

-No.

-We kind of join.

A lot of people say we're over the top,

we're a bit co-dependent, and they're right.

But we're happy.

Go vomit now.

The closeness that they've got, their affection for each other,

is not for me at all.

I would feel totally claustrophobic.

I need my space.

Mm. When someone says they need their space,

that space is often the exact shape of their partner.

Men will be thrilled to know that research shows the one thing

vital to a happy relationship is sex.

Indeed, the more the better.

Does our prudish British outlook allow us to agree?

Is sex important in your marriage?

Oh, my God. He's going to kill me.

Well, yeah, yes.

If my mum sees this, I'm screwed.

-Why are you laughing?

-I don't know.

Am I going red?

-Is sex very important?

-Yes.

-Yes.

I guess so, but it's not the be-all and end-all.

How often a week would you have sex?

-Two or three times.

-Really?

-Sometimes more.

-Really?!

-Yeah.

Do you think that'll go on for the next 40 years?

Yes, it definitely will.

Is sex important in your marriage?

It's certainly was, love, yeah.

-What do you mean it was?

-Well, for God's sake...

Listen, I'm 85, nearly, Anne.

Oh, so no sex, now?

Why, are you free tonight?

No, no, no!

Look at that.

Hot on the heels of plenty of sex is sexual fidelity.

A hopeful 92% of us expect our partner to sleep only with us.

What about the other 8% who think differently?

I'm in Leeds to meet Rich and Emily,

you don't just have sex with each other...

Hello. Come in.

..even though they've been married for the last four years.

What's the glue that binds you two together?

Our love. Is that too corny to say?

We just get along so well, we never get sick of each other's company.

If that is so good,

why extend it to multiple relationships?

Is it just an excuse for having loads of sex?

It's definitely not an excuse.

Sex is important in all of my relationships

but it's not about sex exclusively.

There's a real emotional intimacy

that goes along with those relationships.

This might look like having your cake and eating it.

I am having my cake and eating it,

but I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Rich and Emily call themselves polyamorous,

a movement that believes it's desirable to love

more than one partner at the same time.

A good analogy is children.

Someone has their first child, and it's great,

and they have such a close bond with that child.

You could ask the same question,

Why would you want to have a second child?

A lot of people, I think it's just because they feel like

they HAVE to stop at one relationship.

I just don't feel that, because I'm with partners who agree with me.

In this small flat, who does what, where?

-That's our guest room.

-That's the guest room.

-This is the guest room.

-So, that might be you and Dan,

or it might be Rich and Philippa?

Yep. Or, it could be me and Sam.

-I've got another boyfriend called Sam, who lives in...

-Have you?

Yeah, he lives in Germany, so we don't see each other all that often.

So, when Emily's in here with Dan, do you wonder what's going on?

Now that I'm used to it, I don't even...

It doesn't even cross my mind.

How do you work out your diary?

We have a shared Google calendar, which is...

on my tablet. I can show you.

OK.

Essentially, these colours are different people.

-So...

-What colour's Philippa?

Philippa's the dark blue,

and Emily is green.

I used to... Once upon a time I used to assume that because Emily and I

live together,

that if there was nothing on either of our calendars for that night,

we would be spending time together and that made it really difficult

for one of us to then arrange a date on one of those nights

because we'd have to ask each other for permission.

Whereas now, if we want to spend time together,

we put that on the calendar as well.

Big breakthrough.

A big breakthrough, yeah.

Practicalities aside,

how do Rich and Emily emotionally accommodate being married

while sleeping with lots of other people?

We wrote our own vows.

When we wrote them, we wanted to be really careful not to include

anything that wouldn't be polyamory-friendly.

So, we didn't want to say we were going to forsake all others.

We knew that wouldn't be true.

We talk about valuing each other's independence.

I'm not responsible for his happiness,

he's not responsible for my happiness.

I can't argue with the sentiment of that,

but delivered here it seems very icy.

Even though Philippa doesn't live here,

I like to have little things around the house that remind me

of my relationship with Philippa.

-Yeah.

-This is something that Philippa spent months making for me.

It's Kate Bush in various incarnations.

I get to look across at the vows there,

and I get to look across at the Kate Bush.

You've got jam on both sides of your toast really, haven't you?

Yeah. Well, I like to think my toast might have more than two sides

one day but, right now, yes.

How many sides of jammy toast can one man manage?

There's something of student philosophy about all of this.

The kind of thinking and extravagant choices you make

when there's no children involved.

Here's some of the other participants.

Emily's boyfriends, Dan, and Al.

Al being the live-in boyfriend of Rich's girlfriend.

Tricky to get your head around, this lot.

Very trendy here in Leeds.

-Yes.

-We try.

-We try.

-Philippa's not here.

-She's not very well.

-OK.

So, I need to get it clear who's with who.

So, Emily, can you come and sit... Yeah.

Dan, where do you fit in?

I'll say the sensible answer.

I'm in a relationship with Emily.

OK, well, you'd better go and sit next to Emily.

Is it something I said?

So, Al, your relationship is with...

-Philippa.

-Well, let's make this Philippa.

Does Philippa go here?

She's best in between Al and Rich.

So, put her on the table.

So, Dan, you're in a relationship with Emily.

-Mm-hm.

-And who else are you in a relationship with?

At the moment I'm just in a relationship with Emily.

Oh! Well, that...

You sort of don't get as many benefits as everyone else.

It's really interesting you say that

because I haven't had any other partners since meeting Philippa.

And there were a few months when I felt like, a little bit angry

about that. I felt that I was effectively monogamous,

and she was getting all the benefits of non-monogamy,

and it took a while to talk through the boundaries and stuff

that I was feeling uncertain about.

Once we'd had the chance to do that,

I felt fine about it, and actually I don't kind of feel any need

to have another partner,

but I know if I make a connection with someone,

I can go with it. That's not wrong in the context of my relationship,

and that's incredibly liberating.

Dan, have you fancied going and finding another partner?

Yes.

So... I mean...

This is my first real relationship.

Is it your first sexual relationship?

-Yes.

-How old are you?

32.

Is that unusual, do you think, to be 32...?

It's probably perceived that way.

In sort of cultural dialogue...

You're not on Newsnight. Come on, tell me.

Why are you still a virgin at 32?

Because I'd not met anyone who was willing to.

-Why do you think that is?

-I don't know. I think I'm adorable.

Rich. When Dan came on the scene, were you initially jealous?

I've come to terms with the fact

that jealousy is just another emotion

that needs to be talked through and worked through.

It's not jealousy that tears relationships part,

it's how people handle it.

Dan, do feel the same?

How jealous are you of...Rich?

To start with, I was jealous because I have a lot of fun

when I'm with Emily.

And if I could have that all the time,

that would be great.

But I also know that Emily has a lot of fun when she's with Rich,

or when she's meeting other people.

And that's fine.

Are you in love with Emily?

I think she's amazing.

-No, no. I didn't ask you that.

-OK.

Are you in love with Emily?

That's a very "on the spot" question.

-You don't have to answer it.

-OK.

# It's not unusual to be loved by anyone... #

Well, polyamory's not my generation's idea of free love,

it's a bit earnest,

a bit joyless, in fact.

And jealousy, just as much jealousy.

You can't argue with their mission statement,

which is that you're responsible for your own happiness.

That's OK if you're Emily and Rich,

who have multiple partners,

but what if you only have one partner

and you have to share her?

That's a lonely place to be.

Frankly, if I was Dan's mum,

I'd tell him to pitch his tent elsewhere.

Returning to the relationship swap,

independent Claire, remember, is spending two days

with the co-dependent Whitney and Megan,

and is still trying to unearth the knack of their happiness.

Do you ever feel that you just need that little bit of alone time?

To be honest, no.

Even though we're in each other's company, we still miss each other.

-Yeah.

-And on the occasion that we're doing something separately,

I'll Facetime her.

I know that sounds crazy, because we're in the same house.

-From the bedroom.

-From the bedroom because I miss her,

even though we're in the same house.

Cheers, ladies. It's been lovely meeting you.

-Likewise.

-It really has.

Valentine's Day is quite big in this house.

Oh, yes. It literally looks like Cupid just threw up

in the whole, entire house.

Their matching dressing gowns are ever so sweet.

And brushing teeth in unison as well.

Come here, you.

PHONE RINGS

Hiya.

Hi.

Oh, my goodness!

This couple...

They are so dependent on each other you wouldn't believe it.

They miss each other if they're in separate rooms.

They Facetime each other.

That sounds a bit weird.

It is poles apart from us two.

Who are we to judge? I bet you had an interesting day, then.

I've had a really interesting day.

I didn't get much sleep at all.

Megan and Whitney's relationship did make me stop and question

my relationship with David.

That might be nice to snuggle up at the end of the day.

And then I stopped because I thought, no,

that's just me questioning

that maybe that's what a relationship should be like.

An exhausted Claire continues her digging of these two.

Have you had to make any compromises that have been really difficult for

you, that you've kind of had a fight with yourself?

One of the biggest compromises that I did have to make,

it still sits really heavy in my heart, is leaving the family.

I just feel like I'm missing out on this big chunk of my life

that I'll never get back, so it really kind of like pangs the heart.

But she really is special and she is the one.

That's what it's all about.

Claire, of course, doesn't do compromise. Oh, no!

Claire won't even watch the same TV show as her husband.

I strongly feel that people should have their own independence,

their own life,

to be themselves.

I don't think because you compromise you change who you are

but I think you do grow together as individuals.

If you've been together for nearly a decade,

then how do you not change just by being with that person anyway?

In a way, that really does scare me.

I would feel I'd lose...

I'd lose me.

Hardly romantic, but in choosing our partner, more than three quarters

of couples admit financial status is a factor.

In other words, money matters.

Therefore, if you're clever enough to bag yourself a title

and a stately home, isn't marital bliss guaranteed?

This is Carlton Towers, a Gothic country house in North Yorkshire.

Ancestral home to Lord Fitzalan-Howard

and his wife, Emma.

Oh, how cute! It's a doorbell.

I didn't think places like this had a doorbell.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Nice to meet you both.

Welcome, Emma, please.

-You're Gerald.

-Gerald, please, please, please.

For God's sake. Welcome to Carlton.

-It's a beautiful building.

-Lovely to meet you.

There's been a house here since Domesday.

Emma married into a family steeped in history and prestige.

-That's my father.

-The Duke of Norfolk?

-Correct.

-Your grandfather?

-Lord Howard of Glossop.

-That's your mother?

That's my mother meeting Prince Charles and Lady Diana.

They were quite close. They really...

-They were very close.

-Your mother adored her.

-There's the Pope.

-John Paul II.

Who do have to be to say hello to the Pope?

The Duke of Norfolk.

Wow! Is that you getting married?

That's us getting married.

A horrible photograph. We both look like dwarves.

-No, we don't.

-We do.

What kind of life did the young Emma dream she was entering into?

Emma, coming here as a bride, did it daunt you?

Oh, yeah, it really did.

What sort of home had you been brought up in?

My father was a doctor and we were brought up in a nice,

medium-size village home.

But what looks on the surface to be a story of middle-class girl getting

lucky and moving to grandeur and riches is an illusion.

This is our dining room. It's in a right mess at the moment.

I'm just selling stuff on eBay.

I didn't know the aristocracy sold stuff on eBay.

Have you sold stuff from the house?

Oh, yes, we have. We raised money for the roof.

Truly we needed to do, because we were leaking.

What do roofs cost in houses like this?

Hundreds of thousands. It's the classic thing of

being sort of cash-poor but asset-rich.

The bridal bedroom.

It was bare, sort of crackly white walls.

I kid you not.

Bare floorboards with wall and rug.

Truly, you can't exaggerate.

-Was there any heating?

-No.

What made the decision to move full-time to here?

-Money.

-Money, yeah.

-We... I...

-It's always money.

I closed something down south and we came up here.

-Quite a shock.

-So, it was a bit of a shock.

So, that's when the sort of absolute, argh, set in.

And it got worse. The couple were left almost penniless when a risky

business venture of Gerald's to do with his passion for motor cars

went belly up.

We were really at rock bottom then because we didn't have any money.

What did you want in a husband?

I wanted someone who would really nurture and take care of me.

Of course you want a comfortable life.

I genuinely thought, gosh, I love this wonderful man,

and I'm going to live part-time in this beautiful house,

and I've got a title.

And then the reality was an absolutely bare floor,

naked light bulb, threadbare-curtained mausoleum.

What were your thoughts about sticking with the deal?

I wasn't thinking, "Oh, God, I'm packing my suitcase and going."

I wouldn't have dreamt of that but I did think there's got to be

a better life.

When there's a knock to a marriage,

what happens then to put it back on track?

No-one must continue being bitter because, if you're bitter about it,

that person becomes bitter because you're bitter

and that really can rot anything.

So, you just think, "Oh, to hell with it!"

Gerald is a fantastic husband and a fantastic dad.

I had to be a big old grown-up about it.

Whatever the circumstances,

62% cite money as one of the biggest strains on a relationship.

Yet, for the Fitzalan-Howards, and with Emma's remarkable resilience,

financial hardship actually cemented their marriage.

What would you say was vital to you in that marriage?

To stay in love.

You know...

And...

But nobody stays in love.

No, just to stay liking each other.

Is sex important in your marriage?

It's not important really but it sort of, you know,

I think that intimacy's sometimes required.

What does that mean, Emma?

You know? Having a bit...

Having a quick little bonk every now and again.

What do you think makes a good marriage?

I think we agree on humour

and just clicking.

-Humour, respect.

-Respect.

Honesty.

Gerald, what annoys you about Emma?

Well, she can sometimes be just a teeny bit ratty.

Are you happily married?

-Yes.

-Very.

-Very much so.

On a scale of one to ten?

-Oh, ten.

-Yeah.

-I mean... Is anyone a ten?

-Nine.

I'd don't think you were a nine.

I mean, good eight.

A good eight.

A pretty even seven.

-It's a bit slippy steps, a bit slippy.

-Bye!

It all looks very fairy-tale grand

but what keeps this couple together is a common purpose

and that involves the very things you'd expect to push them apart -

debt, and a crumbling mansion.

I'm halfway through my journey peeling off the layers

to find out what makes a happy marriage,

what knits a couple together.

Importantly, so far,

all the marriages I've looked at have had roughly the same start,

two people met, fell in love and tied the knot.

But what if the marriage comes first and falling in love comes later?

I followed my heart when I was choosing both my husbands,

without, of course, any lasting success.

But what if I'd left it to my mother?

Perhaps if I'd had an arranged marriage, I would have cracked it.

I'm in East London, at an Asian beauty salon owned by Naveeda.

-Hi.

-Hi.

All these girls are brides-to-be preparing for the big day,

including 22-year-old Fiza.

Would you say that your introduction to your husband was traditional?

Yes, it was quite traditional, yes.

I was actually introduced to my husband through a picture,

by my auntie.

And the first time you met, how long did you have together?

We had maybe 20 minutes.

And then I got engaged.

Like, after two, three weeks, I got engaged.

But you could pull out at that stage?

Yes, yes. It was all up to me.

Like, my mum didn't put any pressure on me. It was all up to me.

So I said yes, I'm willing to go ahead with it.

Then I was engaged for three or four months and then I knew that,

yeah, like, this is going to work.

How long have you been married now?

It's going to be a year in July.

-Going OK?

-Yes, everything's going very well so far.

Because we grow up in such a family-orientated sort of environment,

I think that helps with the whole marriage.

I think there's a lot of single girls out there

in the Western world, they would actually love an introduction.

They would love their parents to bring someone that they think was,

you know, good enough for their daughter

and know that their daughter would actually work with them.

Well, there's much logic here.

But Sahida is older than the other girls,

and she's learnt that the best made plans can collapse.

Is this your first marriage?

-It's my second marriage.

-Your second marriage. Is that unusual?

Um...when I got divorced, it actually was.

It's really hard for families to sort of accept you

after you've been divorced.

Do you think you sort of knew fairly quickly it wasn't working?

Yes, I think when we were engaged, if I was being very honest

with myself, I knew that we weren't getting on

and we were sort of quite different.

I think it's about suitability.

I don't think we were given enough time to get to know one another.

And within Asian culture it's just, like,

not known to live with someone beforehand.

So it's a chance and it's a gamble that you have to take.

How many times had you actually met?

Twice.

-Yeah.

-You made a choice that didn't work out.

-Yeah.

-Is that because you felt pressured, by then?

Yes, I think by the time... I mean, I was 27 at that point,

and you start hearing the whispers.

You get put in a corner and you've got to do what's right

at that point.

Second time around, Sahida will look like a traditional Asian bride,

except now SHE'S chosen her husband.

There is a little bit of jealousy when your friends are meeting people

at clubs and going out and it's exciting for them.

And then you've got this sort of very regimental way

of meeting someone.

There is that girliness that you...

-You miss that butterfly feeling.

-In your stomach, yeah.

Have you got butterflies about your husband-to-be?

Yes, now... I do now.

Naveeda's business allows her family to live very comfortably.

She's been married to her husband for 26 years.

He was chosen by her weary mother.

In an arranged marriage, the family match is as vital

as the match of the couple.

My mum's mission in life, at that point, was to get me married off.

And had she suggested anybody else?

Oh, God, yes. I had seen many guys.

30, 40, how many?

Oh, my God. It must have been about 20, at least.

Same here, if not more.

-Really?

-You were fussy, then, weren't you?

-Yeah, I know.

-So you were actually quite cynical at this point?

-I was.

-Yes.

-No doubt.

I think we both were. That's why we said no on the first

-day, on Friday, we said...

-So you said no on the Friday.

What day did you say yes?

-On the Monday.

-Yes.

And how much do you think you knew about each other

by the end of that weekend?

I don't think it's about how much we knew.

-It wasn't about that.

-It's about we just clicked.

That seems extraordinary.

And how long before love made its way in?

Six weeks after the marriage.

How many weeks for you?

Most probably about a week and a half.

It wouldn't be more than that.

I think she was the missing person that I was looking for, I felt.

-Was she the cream in your coffee?

-Definitely!

Were there any times during those first few years

that disappointment crept in?

There was nothing that serious that I didn't think we could adapt to.

I think it was just our state of mind that we had to compromise

and we had to know that we both are going to have faults

and that we both are going to have to work at it.

Do you think that's the difference in cultures

and the approach to marriage?

No. I think it just depends on people.

No magic wand hovering here.

Unlike many couples who marry for love,

these two accepted they had to work at it.

And if I asked you, are you happily married, what would you say?

I am, of course.

You know, sometimes he gets on my nerves. I mean, that's normal.

But then you see, Anne, this comes to the whole thing.

-Yeah?

-You know men say we nag?

-Yes.

-Now, we bought curtains,

and all he had to do was put these on

so I could put the hooks up on there.

-Yes.

-He didn't do it.

-No? Why...?

-Five years.

It's taken you coming round our house to get them up.

-Any time, any time. Just give me a call...

-Thank you so much.

-..and I'll be here.

-If I say it more than twice, I'm nagging.

You imagine how many times I've said it in five years!

Of course I'm going to be a nag! But who made me into a nag?

-BOTH:

-You did.

Me? Oh, my God, did you see that?

Don't be fooled.

That relationship radiates happiness.

I'm so impressed by those two.

How comfortable they were with each other.

No jagged edges.

And remember, that didn't start as a love match.

They approach marriage with very realistic expectations

but a willingness to make it work.

And, actually, that's been the secret to their happiness.

In Bradford, it's changeover time for our guinea pigs.

-Have a look around our house.

-Awesome.

I'll leave you to it.

Independent Claire is handing over her house to Whitney,

one half of the gay co-dependent couple.

This must be Claire and David's room, for sure.

I would say this room's a bit feminine.

You really wouldn't know that it has a man's presence.

No, because up until now Claire hasn't mentioned that David,

her husband, doesn't actually live with her.

This must be...Claire's.

Oh, interesting.

There's not that many men's clothes.

Perhaps David likes to wear women's clothes every now and then.

Claire's left Whitney the handbook explaining why she thinks her way of

organising her relationship works.

My partner and I have sex about five times a week.

That's...that's quite a lot, actually.

The average British couple has sex once a week.

Do you want a second or two to take that in?

Claire and David have arrived back with Jay.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Who is it?

-Are you going to say hello to Whitney?

-What's your name?

-Jay.

-Jay, nice to meet you.

-Hiya.

-Oh, you're so cute.

Hi.

So what has Whitney find out about Claire's life?

So, I had a snoop.

I think you have a lovely home.

-Oh, no. I don't live here.

-You don't live here?

We don't.

That would just be ridiculous.

No, no.

Interesting.

-I have my own house.

-You do?

Yeah. OK. And you guys are...

You're married, but you just live separately?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah.

-OK.

Although they live separately,

Claire and David do share the parenting.

Jay stays at both his mum and his dad's home.

I did not see that coming, I've got to say.

I had many theories but that, that wasn't one of them.

I thought he was maybe a cross-dresser and you guys like

to share clothes.

Megan and I, that would be a real struggle because

I miss Megan when she just, you know, goes to the toilet, sometimes,

let alone living in a separate house!

Whitney wants to know how they decided on this unconventional arrangement.

I think Claire and I are lucky that we found each other when we did,

because we were both coming out of previous relationships.

So you think it's based on past relationships?

For me, I think it is.

In my last relationship I sat back and let everything be done for me,

finances, you know, both wages got paid into a bank account.

I let him, quite happily, run my life.

-Did he like that you were dependent on him?

-Yes, yes.

And then did you just hit this point in your life where this isn't the

Claire I want to be?

Yes, yes. I did find myself, probably, as corny as it sounds,

-and I just thought, no, I do need more than this.

-It's amazing.

It's almost like you two have empowered each other and given

the other this new lease on life.

# Everybody, everybody

# Wants to love

# Everybody, everybody

# Wants to be loved... #

All the teddies have got into bed, ready to go to sleep.

And then he got on his back and he went...

-Twoo.

-Twit-twoo.

# Everybody, everybody

# Wants to be loved... #

-See yous later.

-Bye.

Bye.

You'll know what it's like when you have children.

It'll come to bedtime, and they all go off to bed and it's like...

Oh...

That was an exhausting day!

Well, it's like that when I see David go out of the door.

Really? Do you get an instant sense of relief?

It is, like deflating a balloon.

I miss him, but not enough to want him around on an evening.

But then just as nice to see him back in the morning.

PHONE RINGS

Baby!

Hello. Miss you!

Oh, my gosh, yes - miss you so much.

We were both completely wrong in our theories.

Turns out they live in separate houses and they have their whole

relationship, for the past 15 years.

Oh, my God, really?

They seem really happy and in love,

but it's just a different kind of love than, you know,

what you and I have, when they greeted each other.

They had a kiss, of course,

but they didn't miss each other

and have that reunion like the one you and I are going to have.

But that's just because, I think,

they're so used to being apart anyway.

So do they ever share a bed?

They have sex five times a week, so...

Five?!

So I'll find out more tomorrow about the ins and outs of it.

The next morning, Whitney joins the couple on one of their regular

daytime dates and sees that after a decade-and-a-half

they're still playing at being newlywed.

It may be a case of, say, I'm doing the school run

and I sort of text David and say see you down at yours.

-Oh...

-And I know what that means.

She's not coming down to watch Jeremy Kyle.

Oh, that is very interesting.

Yeah, or if David's done the school run he'll come in,

and he knows if it's all quiet downstairs...

-Yeah, if the door's locked.

-Then he'll know where to find me.

It's not quickly and quietly.

Yeah, it's uninhibited.

Yeah.

And it does keep it...

-There's more...

-It keeps it fresh and exciting.

-Yeah.

While the time apart is key for Claire and David,

Whitney would find this unthinkable.

I don't think we'll lose any of that, whereas I think my concern

for couples that are as intense as yourself and Megan,

it would be my fear that it would burn out a little bit.

I can honestly say, my heart literally just explodes, basically,

when I'm around her, and I don't think that feeling will ever go.

# Love is forever

# Love is forever... #

Now, when I was young, which is a very long time ago,

there were several easy ways to get a boyfriend.

Go to supper parties, cocktail parties, 21st birthday parties,

your brother's school, or ballroom dancing classes.

Online dating is the way nine million people now look

for lasting love.

An oddity for my generation, but here goes.

I'm going to dip my toe into computer matchmaking.

Oh, no, I don't drink, so no to him.

This is Gary, who's a freelance actor.

Don't feel that would bring in a big income.

Oh, electrician.

Well, he can do some of the switches upstairs.

What's not to like?

Oh! You and Stephen have liked each other.

The electrician.

And Tommy is a drainage engineer,

and his friend is with him and neither of their teeth

are very nice.

Oh, look!

Well, well, that's much nicer!

Oh, quick, quick!

No, I want to go back to the 60-year-old who's got a job in banking.

I just really want a Tinder that's CEOs and upwards.

I'm far from convinced you can find love with one swipe or even 100.

Yet, a third of all marriages start this way.

Lastly, Kent, with a couple whose paths would never have crossed

without the internet.

Now they are engaged and house-hunting.

Sharon, Ben, hi.

-Hey, nice to meet you.

-Hello, nice to meet you.

-Hi.

Sharon, an actress and singer, has agreed to move to a sleepy

village near to where Ben, a firefighter, grew up.

And, please note, closer to his work.

OK, so this is pretty much the centre of Marden.

I need to point out to you two that everyone we've passed, walking,

appears to be very elderly.

How does that feel, Sharon?

I mean, it is a little bit daunting, I'm not going to lie.

Oh, look, there's a young person!

That's the first young person I've seen.

Shall we go and introduce ourselves?

You met each other on the internet dating, yeah?

Well, yeah. Basically, I'd said to my girlfriends, look,

I'm not going to date any single fathers because, clearly,

he's already messed up one relationship.

And so my girlfriend said, "Sharon, stop being ridiculous,

"and at least date one."

You never know, cos, you know,

somebody might say that about your situation.

I went on to Tinder and he was the first single father that came up.

There was a picture of him and his son on his profile picture.

And I thought, "Oh, he's quite handsome and he's a fireman.

"All right, yeah, give that a go."

What struck you about Sharon's details?

I remember it coming up, flashing up, that we had a match,

and I thought she'd made a mistake cos she's obviously really attractive.

And as I started reading her sort of details I thought, well,

she's obviously very different to anyone

that I would have ever met, certainly, sort of, round here.

You could be the youngest person in the village.

I could, yeah. I'd be like the only black in the village as well.

-You could be the only black in the... We haven't seen any black people yet.

-No.

I tell you something I will actually make you stop the car

and I will go and say hello to them.

There you go, they do a quiz night at the Unicorn.

What more do you want?

I'd be useless at a quiz night.

I'll come and do quiz night.

-Are you good?

-I love a quiz night.

I'm not bad at quizzes, actually.

Of course you're good at quizzes!

Of course you are! Of course!

Sharon, star of screen and theatre,

is now on the brink of becoming a country mouse.

Not the only challenge -

both come with children from their first marriage.

Our relationship is very different to my relationship before.

We got married, I think I was 25,

and I think we were together from when I was about 21,

so looking back on it, you're still a kid, really.

So it's massively different.

Second marriages do have a better chance of succeeding.

Have these two got what it takes this time?

How different is Ben from your first husband?

Completely different, because my ex was actually probably a lot more

like me, in the sense that we were both striving,

we were both looking for the next big thing, which is very difficult,

then, to sit down and enjoy the little things together, you know?

Whereas, I find this relationship,

we sit down and we play Scrabble together and I don't get bored.

Is there ever a danger that what begins as nice might turn into dull?

Nice is good.

It is, nice is good.

You know, people always look down and they want a bad boy or exciting,

and I just didn't want that,

I just wanted somebody who was genuinely a lovely person

and a lovely soul.

And what were you looking for, Ben?

I didn't really have anything in mind, particularly.

Certainly not Sharon.

Tell Anne what your mum said. It really made me laugh.

Yeah, did you advertise for her?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I was like...

So, how does it work? Did you put an advert out for her? Yeah.

Wanted - crazy, black, single mother.

But, yeah...

What makes you feel that this time round...

..the marriage has got a better chance?

I don't know. I just feel like I'm...

Not a different person, I'm not a different person,

but I know myself a lot better and I know what I want.

We do tend to look at other couples and go,

you can tell that they're second-time-rounders.

Why? What is it about second-time-rounders?

I think maybe just a lot more relaxed with each other.

You've gone through a set of problems, or whatever, with somebody else.

You come out of it and you're therefore going to find somebody that you

really, really, really want to be with.

You know what you want and what you need, the second time round.

So, on a scale of one to ten, how happy are you two?

Ten.

-Eight?

-Oh, really? What's...?

I'm joking.

Ah, will it remain a ten or an eight?

Ben's seven-year-old son, Harry, has two half-siblings.

Sharon's four-year-old, Mali, unlike Harry,

has never lived with other children.

Hmm...

I'm painting my hand.

The blended family now accounts for a third of all marriages.

It was definitely daunting at the beginning.

Massively, yeah.

Suddenly you're faced heads-on with another sort of form of parenting,

and you've kind of got to, yeah...

I still find it difficult to discipline Harry.

I feel like I'm still kind of treading on eggshells,

cos it's difficult to know your place as a stepparent.

It is tricky, isn't it, with someone else's child?

I mean, how do you react if Ben tells Mali off?

If she deserves it...

But, of course, the problem is whether what you think she deserves

-and what Ben thinks she deserves are different.

-Yeah, absolutely.

Because you're quite strict, aren't you?

-Stricter than Sharon, yeah.

-Is she a bit spoiled?

Show me an only child who isn't spoilt.

Oh, very good.

-Who's in it?

-That's me, that's my dad...

-Yeah.

-That's Sharon and that's Mali.

That's very good.

Nice to meet you. Take care.

Ben and Sharon are a very good example of what can

happen if you ignore the differences and take a risk.

Of course it's early days for them.

I mean, they've yet to live under the same roof, and

in a few years' time they're going to have the challenge of dealing

with each other's teenager.

They say second time around they've learned the value of compromise.

I think they're going to need it.

In Bradford, Whitney's time with Claire and David is nearly over.

-See the cows.

-Do you want to see the cows?

Before she leaves, she's joining them for a family outing.

Quite the opposite to the lazy weekends Whitney and Megan prefer.

Seeing you with Jay definitely, you know,

makes me really excited to have kids one day.

They're absolutely amazing.

But they totally change the dynamics of your relationship.

You won't have as much time for each other, like you do now.

You know, your relationship is so intense.

You will lose some of that closeness.

I mean, I'm sure we'll be fine and adapt,

but initially it does make me a little bit apprehensive.

Yeah. You will be blown away at just how much love you both do have left.

You will just adapt your relationship in other ways.

But it is massive, having a child.

After four days of scrutiny,

what have the couples learnt from the experience?

Meeting Megan and Whitney has been an amazing eye-opener.

It's made me question a few bits of my relationship,

but to the point of it's made me appreciate my relationship more.

It's made me realise that our relationship is absolutely perfect

for us, and Megan and Whitney's relationship

is absolutely perfect for them.

It's opened up my eyes to see a completely different dynamic of a

relationship be equally as successful

but in a completely different way.

There is actually no recipe that makes a happy relationship.

You can have many different ingredients,

but as long as the endgame is love,

it doesn't matter.

Have I learnt what it takes to have a lasting relationship?

Well, we've seen forgiveness, compromise,

realistic expectations.

But probably most important of all

is the need for some sort of glue,

a shared passion, whether it's battle re-enactments,

a crumbling mansion, or even an enthusiasm for taking lovers.

I might even possess some of those qualities myself.

Would I do it all again?

I don't think so.