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This programme contains some strong language | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
This programme contains some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting | 0:00:04 | 0:00:08 | |
I'm Olly Alexander. | 0:00:08 | 0:00:09 | |
I'm lead singer of the band Years & Years and an out gay man. | 0:00:09 | 0:00:13 | |
-Back seat, what's up? -Hiya! -Hiya! | 0:00:13 | 0:00:15 | |
I've also recently come out about my struggles with my mental health. | 0:00:15 | 0:00:20 | |
I have anxiety and depression, and I'm not alone. | 0:00:20 | 0:00:24 | |
There's a perception that in 2017, | 0:00:24 | 0:00:28 | |
for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender people, it's all good. | 0:00:28 | 0:00:33 | |
We have equal marriage, we're protected in rights. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:37 | |
But... | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
the stats tell us that 40% of LGBT people | 0:00:39 | 0:00:43 | |
are likely to suffer with mental health issues | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
like anxiety and depression, | 0:00:45 | 0:00:47 | |
compared to 25% of the general population. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:51 | |
That's outrageous. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
And I feel like it's something we are just ignoring. | 0:00:53 | 0:00:57 | |
It's something that I come across all the time | 0:00:57 | 0:01:02 | |
from fans of Years & Years in letters, | 0:01:02 | 0:01:04 | |
when I talk to them at shows. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
It's something I know about my own personal experience, | 0:01:06 | 0:01:08 | |
but also my friends who are in the community. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:11 | |
I, personally, have yet to meet a LGBT person that hasn't... | 0:01:11 | 0:01:15 | |
..been unscathed by... growing up LGBT. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:22 | |
I mean, I haven't. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:23 | |
I want to understand why and what impact growing up gay has had on me. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:30 | |
MUSIC: Take Shelter by Years & Years | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
CHEERING | 0:01:34 | 0:01:37 | |
PIANO PLAYING, CHUCKLING | 0:01:45 | 0:01:49 | |
Three, four... | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
# What to say about dreams... # | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
INDISTINCT LYRICS | 0:01:56 | 0:02:02 | |
I'm making this film while writing and rehearsing | 0:02:05 | 0:02:08 | |
the difficult second album. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:10 | |
No-one can say I don't like a challenge. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:12 | |
And again. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:14 | |
# And you're reaching for your brother's arms | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
# The two-tone flash of the alarm | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
# And I choke | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
# It's too close... # THEY CHUCKLE | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
# And you're standing on that higher step | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
# I think I'll run away from this | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
# I go | 0:02:30 | 0:02:33 | |
# It's to F... # Then G. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:35 | |
'I've lived with anxiety and depression since my teenage years. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:39 | |
'I guess I'm lucky because I recognised the problem and got help. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:43 | |
'But I do still have regular lapses.' | 0:02:43 | 0:02:46 | |
As a band, we're pretty good at talking about our feelings. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:49 | |
We've gotten better at it, as well, | 0:02:49 | 0:02:52 | |
and it's... It's kind of a crazy environment to be in. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:56 | |
I take my medication. I see a therapist once a week. | 0:02:56 | 0:03:01 | |
And yeah, I have highs and lows. Um... | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
And I get freaked out a lot. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
But it's not as much as I used to, | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
and I'm much better at managing stuff, you know. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:15 | |
It helps that my bandmates, Mikey and Emre, are hugely supportive | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
when I do have an anxiety attack, or when I can't get out of bed. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:22 | |
When you go on stage, you're on stage | 0:03:22 | 0:03:26 | |
and there's nothing you can do to get out of that situation. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:28 | |
It's more acute for him cos he's... | 0:03:28 | 0:03:30 | |
Cos he's right at the centre, front. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
And singing, I think, is a very personal thing to do. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:35 | |
-We can hide a bit behind our... -Yeah! -..our synths. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
But, yeah, there's been a few times when we've had to...prop him up | 0:03:38 | 0:03:44 | |
when he didn't want to go on stage | 0:03:44 | 0:03:45 | |
or didn't want to go back on for the encore | 0:03:45 | 0:03:47 | |
and just wasn't feeling very confident. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:51 | |
When we're on tour, I just get into this quite ,like, | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
like a robot athlete. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:55 | |
Like, I'm just...you know, like, focus, I go to bed early, | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
I, like, have to be good to myself and I have to perform on stage | 0:03:57 | 0:04:01 | |
and almost not think too much about everything that's going on | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
because I've had times when I've, you know, just come off stage | 0:04:03 | 0:04:07 | |
and had, like, a panic attack and I'm sobbing | 0:04:07 | 0:04:11 | |
and I have to go back on stage. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:12 | |
LAUGHS: And it's like... You know, just like... | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
You, like, take the microphone, you're on stage smiling, | 0:04:14 | 0:04:17 | |
and you're just like, "This is a nightmare." | 0:04:17 | 0:04:20 | |
And that's not a good place to be in. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
I've probably been aware of my depression and anxiety | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
for about 12 years. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
But I often wonder where it came from and what caused it. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:33 | |
I've always kept diaries, so they feel like a good place to begin. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:37 | |
What I started to notice when I was reading back these diaries | 0:04:37 | 0:04:40 | |
was how...really early on, | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
I start to feel really distressed | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
and I don't tell anyone about it, I don't think. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:48 | |
So I'm 14, turning 15. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
I think my parents have just split up. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
And I'm starting to really have, like, long periods of feeling low | 0:04:53 | 0:04:57 | |
and feeling people don't understand me | 0:04:57 | 0:04:59 | |
and feeling kind of just unhappy and confused by it. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:03 | |
"2nd of October, 2005. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:06 | |
"The other night was the worst it's ever been. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:08 | |
"I need to remember this. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
"I remember dancing - that was awesome, | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
"feeling consumed by such incredible energy. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
"But I was so hot, so I took my shirt off, | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
"just my small black T-shirt left. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
"Dancing, and then Matt came up to me and saw my plaster on my arm. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:23 | |
"And then came the words I've been waiting for ever since I began. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
"'You haven't been cutting yourself, have you?'" | 0:05:26 | 0:05:29 | |
HE EXHALES Boy! | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
I just wanted to do it because I felt like it was... | 0:05:33 | 0:05:36 | |
I had all these feelings that I couldn't...deal with, | 0:05:36 | 0:05:39 | |
so, you know, harming myself was, like... | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
..seemed the most obvious way to deal with it. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:45 | |
It felt, like...simple and... | 0:05:45 | 0:05:49 | |
you know, it felt good to do it. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
But then it felt awful. And then it was just this cycle. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:56 | |
And then a year later, I kind of stop doing that, | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
and I develop an eating disorder, basically. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:02 | |
Throwing up food and just constantly... | 0:06:02 | 0:06:07 | |
constantly thinking about what I'm eating. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:09 | |
Like, I've just written pages of, "I will not eat bread. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:15 | |
"I will not eat cakes. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:16 | |
"I will not eat chocolate. I will not eat bread. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
"I will not eat cakes. I will not eat chocolate." | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
It's a really hard thing to talk about. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
That's why I'm trying to talk about it. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:27 | |
We want to tell people that we're proud and that we're happy and that, | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
look, being gay didn't make me sad, it didn't make me... | 0:06:31 | 0:06:34 | |
It hasn't made things harder for me, it's made them better. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
It's made things great. Look at how... | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
You know? And then it can be hard to then go, "Actually, | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
I think maybe growing up gay in a straight world, um... | 0:06:40 | 0:06:46 | |
has really affected me and has made me feel all these things, and I | 0:06:46 | 0:06:50 | |
think that can be a really hard thing for people to actually say. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:54 | |
You know, I'm not saying that being gay means you're going to be sad or | 0:06:54 | 0:06:58 | |
you're going to be depressed. I'm not saying that. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:01 | |
But...there's a link. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
And I think | 0:07:04 | 0:07:05 | |
I want to understand it better. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:07 | |
Reading back my diaries, | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
it's shocking to see how low I was at that time. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:14 | |
I'm in a better place now, but I'm pretty sure that, for me, | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
a big part of my struggles with mental health are down to those | 0:07:18 | 0:07:21 | |
years of coming to terms with my sexuality. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
During that time, I was living at home with my mum. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:29 | |
Going home can be a difficult experience. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
I feel like I was a different person when I was a teenager growing up. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:36 | |
On the way here, like, "Why do I feel sick?" | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
And it feels a bit like facing up to some painful memories. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:46 | |
I left school and then moved | 0:07:46 | 0:07:47 | |
to London, and I have a different life now, and it's like | 0:07:47 | 0:07:50 | |
now I'm realising that part of me is sort of trying to, like, | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
squash down a lot of that and be | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
like, "Well, I'm this different person now," you know. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:56 | |
Sleepy Coleford is a far cry from my hectic life in London. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:02 | |
It's where my lovely mum Vicky still lives. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:08 | |
-Hello? -O-o-o-oh. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
-Mwah! -How are you doing? | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
I'm good. How are you? | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
-You look lovely. -Well, you look even lovelier. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:19 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:08:19 | 0:08:22 | |
This is my old room. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
'I moved here with my mum and brother a few years after my parents | 0:08:26 | 0:08:30 | |
split up and my dad moved away.' | 0:08:30 | 0:08:32 | |
This is it. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:36 | |
This is my room from about 16. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
I feel a bit, like, it's like living in a cupboard under the stairs. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:47 | |
I think 16-year-old me was very... | 0:08:47 | 0:08:49 | |
..very emotional. | 0:08:51 | 0:08:54 | |
And I felt a bit, like, lonely because I didn't really tell... | 0:08:54 | 0:08:56 | |
I wasn't really telling anybody about it. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:58 | |
I always felt, really, like I was maybe a freak. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:02 | |
Like I was really different, because | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
people were just telling me that I was different all the time, really. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:07 | |
Part of me really liked being weird, liked being different. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:10 | |
I thought that was... | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
that was who I was, but then another part of me thought it was... | 0:09:12 | 0:09:16 | |
just wished, I wished I was like everyone else, | 0:09:16 | 0:09:18 | |
I wished I was normal. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:20 | |
"Normal." My God, I can't believe I said I wished I was normal! | 0:09:20 | 0:09:24 | |
I don't wish I was normal. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:28 | |
Yeah. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:29 | |
I hate that word. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
I don't think my mum really knew what was going on for me back then, | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
so I've decided it's time we talked about it. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:43 | |
So I've got something to show you. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:46 | |
What is it? | 0:09:46 | 0:09:48 | |
I haven't seen Mum for a few months and she's been going through all our | 0:09:49 | 0:09:53 | |
old home videos. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:54 | |
Terrifying. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:55 | |
-Is that me? -Yes. | 0:09:57 | 0:09:58 | |
'Steps - The Next Step Live, which is so cool, it's got all the songs.' | 0:10:00 | 0:10:03 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:10:03 | 0:10:05 | |
'Well, it's the last Christmas of the 20th century, | 0:10:05 | 0:10:10 | |
'and I'm so excited.' | 0:10:10 | 0:10:12 | |
HE LAUGHS IN EMBARRASSMENT | 0:10:12 | 0:10:13 | |
Oh, my God! I feel sick. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:16 | |
# I don't want no scrubs | 0:10:16 | 0:10:18 | |
# A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me | 0:10:18 | 0:10:20 | |
# Hanging out the passenger side of his best friend's ride | 0:10:20 | 0:10:24 | |
# Trying to holler at me. # | 0:10:24 | 0:10:27 | |
I look so uncomfortable. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:28 | |
I was bullied from when I was nine until I was about 15. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:34 | |
But I didn't really tell anyone. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:36 | |
I don't know if you knew, but in primary school, | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
I started getting bullied. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:40 | |
I looked like a girl. They said I looked like a girl. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:42 | |
-Really? -Yeah. Because I had long hair. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
-And then that became that I was gay. -Oh! | 0:10:45 | 0:10:49 | |
And then in secondary school, yeah... | 0:10:49 | 0:10:51 | |
I started to, like, think that I was gay, | 0:10:51 | 0:10:55 | |
-and then... -Mmm. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:56 | |
..that became... | 0:10:56 | 0:10:58 | |
I just wished, I was just like, "I don't want to be gay," | 0:10:59 | 0:11:02 | |
-and I kind of... -It was too much. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:04 | |
I already felt like people picked on me and then I was like, | 0:11:04 | 0:11:08 | |
"This is going to be even worse," and then... | 0:11:08 | 0:11:10 | |
I think...I don't know. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:13 | |
It seems like I was just, like... | 0:11:13 | 0:11:16 | |
putting jazz hands over everything. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
I think about when you asked me, did I know that you were gay? | 0:11:18 | 0:11:22 | |
-Yeah. -I said, you know, I had a feeling that you might be. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:27 | |
But maybe I didn't want to, um... | 0:11:27 | 0:11:31 | |
-affirm that because of fear... -Mmm. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
..of what your life might become like, | 0:11:35 | 0:11:39 | |
from all the homophobia that still exists out there. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:43 | |
-So the bullying...? -When I was, like, 14, 15, it kind of stopped. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:48 | |
And then you started becoming anorexic, bulimic. | 0:11:48 | 0:11:53 | |
I was bulimic, really, and then having... | 0:11:53 | 0:11:55 | |
I was restricting food, as well. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:57 | |
And I would self-harm. | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
SHE SIGHS | 0:12:00 | 0:12:03 | |
I remember thinking, "Why's this happening?" | 0:12:03 | 0:12:06 | |
I don't think we really had a... | 0:12:06 | 0:12:09 | |
a full conversation about... Did we? | 0:12:09 | 0:12:11 | |
Yeah. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
HE SOBS | 0:12:27 | 0:12:30 | |
Yeah, I guess. | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
I guess I think I might have been in denial, maybe, or... | 0:12:35 | 0:12:39 | |
I felt so bad because I couldn't explain to you what was going on, | 0:12:39 | 0:12:43 | |
and I felt ashamed of myself for, like, being the way I was, | 0:12:43 | 0:12:47 | |
and I couldn't tell you. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
And, like... | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
Could anything have been different if you'd been able to talk to me? | 0:12:54 | 0:12:58 | |
I can't help but feel guilty as a parent. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:02 | |
What could I have...? Oh, I don't... | 0:13:02 | 0:13:04 | |
There was nothing you could have done. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
I couldn't talk about it. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
-No. -I hadn't come to terms with myself at all with anything. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:16 | |
You're a great mum. You are a great mum. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
I feel like I'm starting to sort of blame myself a little bit less. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
I can see why maybe I did struggle the way I did, because... | 0:13:34 | 0:13:38 | |
..like, I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:42 | |
And I was ashamed of myself. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
And part of that was because I was ashamed of being gay. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:48 | |
And no wonder, really, that it then caused me to... | 0:13:48 | 0:13:53 | |
..get so low and, | 0:13:55 | 0:13:57 | |
you know, feel the way I did about things. | 0:13:57 | 0:14:00 | |
The shame I felt from such a young age must have had a major impact | 0:14:03 | 0:14:07 | |
on my mental health. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:09 | |
School was a horrible time for me, and bulimia and self-harm | 0:14:09 | 0:14:13 | |
were my ways of coping. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:14 | |
I felt I couldn't talk to anybody, not even my best friend, Georgina. | 0:14:14 | 0:14:18 | |
Hi, George! | 0:14:18 | 0:14:21 | |
Sometimes I think | 0:14:21 | 0:14:22 | |
the closer someone is to you, the harder it is to share. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:25 | |
Georgina, we were so close. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:28 | |
We spent every day together. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:30 | |
You know, there did come a time when we were aware that the other was | 0:14:30 | 0:14:34 | |
going through some stuff, but we just... We didn't know how to have a | 0:14:34 | 0:14:36 | |
conversation about it. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:38 | |
Do you remember when we first laid eyes on each other? | 0:14:38 | 0:14:40 | |
Yeah. THEY LAUGH | 0:14:40 | 0:14:43 | |
I just remember you having curtains and a choker, | 0:14:43 | 0:14:47 | |
and following...literally following me around, like this. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:50 | |
Oh, my God! | 0:14:50 | 0:14:52 | |
You were, like, stalking me everywhere. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:55 | |
HE LAUGHS Oh, my God! | 0:14:55 | 0:14:57 | |
-Yeah. -Yeah. -I was obsessed with you from the first moment. -Awww. | 0:14:57 | 0:15:01 | |
George was someone who helped me survive my traumatic school years. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:06 | |
Oh, my God, like, it's not even here any more! | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
This is so weird. It's all gone. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:12 | |
Yeah. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:14 | |
-I find it quite hard to actually remember stuff. -Yeah. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:17 | |
Getting bullied, but it wasn't really ever that bad, physically, | 0:15:17 | 0:15:20 | |
but it just was being made to feel like I was different and I didn't | 0:15:20 | 0:15:24 | |
-fit in and stuff. -Yeah, yeah. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:26 | |
There was a general kind of vocabulary around you being used | 0:15:26 | 0:15:30 | |
that wasn't...that wasn't positive, I guess. | 0:15:30 | 0:15:33 | |
Yeah. Did you think I was gay, always think I was gay? | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
Yeah. But then you started seeing girls and... | 0:15:36 | 0:15:41 | |
I don't know, I guess, yeah, I was confused, looking, like, | 0:15:41 | 0:15:45 | |
from a friend point of view, yeah. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
Always knowing, but then never... | 0:15:47 | 0:15:50 | |
maybe never having the courage to bring it up with you or something, | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
even though we were really close, but... | 0:15:53 | 0:15:55 | |
-I don't know how you would have. -Yeah. -Like, "Babe..." | 0:15:55 | 0:15:58 | |
-THEY LAUGH -Yeah. "Do you know that you're gay?" -"I think you're gay." | 0:15:58 | 0:16:02 | |
-Yeah. -I think at school, I learned that people around me | 0:16:02 | 0:16:06 | |
were my enemies. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
You know, like, other kids were going to be mean to me. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
I was always on guard, on the defensive all the time. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
It just creates this, like... Even talking about it now, I'm, like, | 0:16:13 | 0:16:16 | |
getting anxiety about it and it's... | 0:16:16 | 0:16:18 | |
Yeah. I never liked spending time with kids my own age because I | 0:16:18 | 0:16:21 | |
thought they'd be mean to me and that... | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
Yeah, I guess I learned that at school, that I didn't fit in with | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
them, so I should... I'd have to go find somewhere else to fit in. | 0:16:26 | 0:16:30 | |
Looking back, | 0:16:32 | 0:16:33 | |
I think that rejection had a huge impact on my mental health. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:37 | |
George wants to take me back to one of her old haunts. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:42 | |
We danced together a lot in our teens and we can't help repeat | 0:16:42 | 0:16:46 | |
old habits whenever we get together. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
And I do not need any excuse to dance. | 0:16:49 | 0:16:52 | |
Put a mirror in front of me and I'm just, like, | 0:16:52 | 0:16:54 | |
"Sorry, I'm too busy looking at myself." | 0:16:54 | 0:16:58 | |
And turn. | 0:16:58 | 0:16:59 | |
-We used to make our own dance routines up. -Yeah. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
-BOTH: -Scoop. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:04 | |
-Loop. -Loop. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
-Scoop. -Scoop. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:08 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:17:08 | 0:17:11 | |
It feels just like old times. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:18 | |
But a lot has happened to both of us. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:20 | |
Whilst we've both grown-up queer, | 0:17:20 | 0:17:22 | |
George has only recently had the courage to come out. | 0:17:22 | 0:17:25 | |
And she's had her own issues to deal with. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:28 | |
I started having kind of breakdowns. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:32 | |
Like, at the end of primary school, | 0:17:32 | 0:17:34 | |
I would just cry and I didn't know why, and... | 0:17:34 | 0:17:36 | |
..and then that kind of continued | 0:17:37 | 0:17:39 | |
throughout secondary school, as well. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
There were, like, moments of just real distress. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:46 | |
I started developing symptoms of an eating disorder | 0:17:46 | 0:17:50 | |
when I was, like, 11 or 12. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:53 | |
I knew you had a difficult relationship with eating. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:57 | |
And then I think I then told you that I thought I was bulimic. | 0:17:57 | 0:18:00 | |
I remember that conversation. | 0:18:00 | 0:18:02 | |
Cos, for me, kind of being confused about these feelings that I was | 0:18:02 | 0:18:06 | |
having and trying to suppress them because I wasn't... I didn't know | 0:18:06 | 0:18:10 | |
what to do with them and where to place them in terms of trying to | 0:18:10 | 0:18:13 | |
dull it down and not act on it or... | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
not even knowing how to act on it, anyway. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:19 | |
It was really good to hear that stuff and part of me was like, | 0:18:19 | 0:18:22 | |
"Why didn't we tell each other at the time?" But... | 0:18:22 | 0:18:25 | |
Well, I wish that the first time I was questioning my sexuality, | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
it had felt safe to say, "Oh, I don't know what my sexuality is. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:32 | |
"Maybe I'm gay." I wish that had | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
been something I could have done, you know. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:37 | |
Because it wasn't. And so that's your first introduction to your | 0:18:37 | 0:18:42 | |
sexuality, is that it's wrong and that you have to hide it. | 0:18:42 | 0:18:45 | |
You cannot underestimate shame. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:50 | |
The moment it kind of creeps into your life from a really young | 0:18:50 | 0:18:53 | |
age, for LGBT people, | 0:18:53 | 0:18:56 | |
the moment that you realise that you're different to everyone else, | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
that just plants the seed of toxic | 0:18:59 | 0:19:03 | |
pain, and it just grows and grows and grows, and then it just gets | 0:19:03 | 0:19:07 | |
larger and larger as you grow older, | 0:19:07 | 0:19:09 | |
and I think that has a huge impact. | 0:19:09 | 0:19:13 | |
I left school ten years ago now | 0:19:16 | 0:19:19 | |
and I doubt the effects will ever leave me. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:22 | |
I'd hoped things had changed, but a brand-new study by Stonewall shows | 0:19:22 | 0:19:26 | |
that half of all LGBT teens are bullied at school. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:29 | |
Today I'm meeting a young guy called Connor. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:34 | |
He's just turned 15. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
He's gay and he was bullied out of his school. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:40 | |
-Hello. -Hello! -Come in. -Thanks. | 0:19:40 | 0:19:43 | |
-Hello, mate, are you all right? -Hi, Connor. -Hi, Olly. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
-How are you doing? -Good, thanks. | 0:19:47 | 0:19:50 | |
How did you get on at school? | 0:19:50 | 0:19:52 | |
Usual. Just boring. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:53 | |
Near enough? | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
Well, school's definitely not changed that much, then. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
-When did you come out? -At school. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:03 | |
-13. -Right. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:05 | |
I feel like it's a really brave | 0:20:05 | 0:20:07 | |
thing to come out as young as you did. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:10 | |
How bad did the bullying get? | 0:20:12 | 0:20:14 | |
At one point, | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
a group of girls had spread a rumour that I'd done stuff with an older | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
boy, and the boy found me the next day, grabbed me by the throat at the | 0:20:19 | 0:20:24 | |
-top of a set of stairs and pushed me down them. -Wow. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
Mum phoned the school, | 0:20:27 | 0:20:29 | |
had a go at them, and I think the next day or something, | 0:20:29 | 0:20:33 | |
she had a meeting with the headmistress and told her, I'm... | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
She's taking me out of school and she isn't bringing me back. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:39 | |
You feel like you're alone, you have no want to go to, | 0:20:39 | 0:20:43 | |
you feel insecure about yourself, | 0:20:43 | 0:20:46 | |
you feel like there is completely nothing you can do to change it and | 0:20:46 | 0:20:51 | |
people targeting you for no apparent reason, | 0:20:51 | 0:20:55 | |
apart from you being you, is just heartbreaking. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:59 | |
At one point, I was self-harming quite badly and I do still have | 0:20:59 | 0:21:04 | |
scars from it. I was quite suicidal. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:07 | |
I admit I did try to attempt it, | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
because I didn't think I deserved to be here any more, I felt like I was | 0:21:10 | 0:21:14 | |
a disgrace and I couldn't turn to anyone. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:16 | |
-Did you talk to your mum? -No, I didn't talk to anyone. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
I pushed everyone that I was close to away from me. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:23 | |
I think it's really, um... | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
It's so hard to talk about, you know, thoughts of suicide. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:31 | |
-Yeah. -Because I think it really scares people. | 0:21:31 | 0:21:33 | |
-It's a scary thing. -It is, yeah. -It really scares people. | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
-Yeah. -And it obviously... It's so good to talk about it. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:39 | |
-Yeah. -It is, yeah. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:41 | |
Because it relieves people from stress and thinking they're, | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
like, alone in feeling that way, and you can help other people get | 0:21:44 | 0:21:47 | |
-out of that state... -Yeah. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:48 | |
..cos you know what it's like, being in there yourself. | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
Connor isn't alone. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:57 | |
Stonewall's study shows that two in three LGBT teens will have | 0:21:57 | 0:22:02 | |
self-harmed, and one in four - including 45% of trans pupils - | 0:22:02 | 0:22:06 | |
will have attempted to take their own life. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:08 | |
It's so awful to think that these young people can't imagine their | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
bright futures whilst in the midst of being bullied. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:16 | |
I want to find out how Connor's mum Helen coped with her son being in | 0:22:18 | 0:22:22 | |
-crisis. -He was very depressed, very suicidal, | 0:22:22 | 0:22:27 | |
um... | 0:22:27 | 0:22:29 | |
self-harming... | 0:22:29 | 0:22:30 | |
How did you know that that was going on? | 0:22:31 | 0:22:34 | |
He didn't tell me, he's just got very withdrawn and I didn't trust | 0:22:34 | 0:22:37 | |
him being on his own. I knew something wasn't right. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:40 | |
And I made...used to make him get in bed with me, | 0:22:43 | 0:22:46 | |
just so I knew where he was and that | 0:22:46 | 0:22:48 | |
he was safe, so I could get sleep and... | 0:22:48 | 0:22:51 | |
You feel like you've failed as a parent. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
You really, really do. | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
I just want to say... | 0:22:56 | 0:22:58 | |
-Sorry. -No, no, don't apologise. It's... | 0:22:58 | 0:23:01 | |
I just wanted to tell you that I have had a conversation with my mum | 0:23:01 | 0:23:06 | |
really similar to this, and she said, like, | 0:23:06 | 0:23:08 | |
really similar things, because she felt she didn't know what was going | 0:23:08 | 0:23:11 | |
on with me when I was at school. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:13 | |
-Yeah. -And it was really hard for her, I think, as well. | 0:23:13 | 0:23:16 | |
-I'm sorry. -Give me a hug. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:19 | |
-No, I'm sorry, too. -Sorry. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
Sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:26 | |
-No. -I'm sorry. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:28 | |
Please don't apologise. | 0:23:28 | 0:23:30 | |
No, you do, you feel like you've failed as a parent, because your job | 0:23:30 | 0:23:33 | |
as a parent is to protect your child, and you can't protect them | 0:23:33 | 0:23:37 | |
from everything because you're not there 24/7. | 0:23:37 | 0:23:39 | |
Of course you can't, of course you can't. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:41 | |
How people cannot speak to the children just because | 0:23:41 | 0:23:45 | |
they have come out as transgender, bisexual, | 0:23:45 | 0:23:49 | |
lesbian, gay...so bloody what? | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
-They're your child. That's... -Yeah. -Sorry. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:55 | |
When she was talking about Connor having thoughts of suicide, | 0:23:58 | 0:24:02 | |
I can't imagine, you know... | 0:24:02 | 0:24:03 | |
..someone, you know, saying that to my mum, | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
even though, you know, like... | 0:24:08 | 0:24:10 | |
I did have some really dark thoughts at that time... | 0:24:15 | 0:24:17 | |
..and you don't know... You don't know how to deal with it. | 0:24:19 | 0:24:22 | |
With his mum's support, Connor is doing so much better. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:27 | |
She's found him a local LGBT youth group called Blah, where he gets to | 0:24:27 | 0:24:31 | |
hang out with young people like him. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:33 | |
-Hi, guys. -Hi! -Hey! | 0:24:33 | 0:24:37 | |
-This is Olly. -Hiya! | 0:24:37 | 0:24:40 | |
I just think it goes to show, like, | 0:24:40 | 0:24:42 | |
Connor was going through all this stuff, and then it took him talking | 0:24:42 | 0:24:45 | |
to his mum, leaving his school, but then finding a youth group for him | 0:24:45 | 0:24:48 | |
to then start feeling more on top of things. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:50 | |
Having youth groups and having places where | 0:24:50 | 0:24:52 | |
young queer people can meet each other and share stories and, like, | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
find support with each other is just so good. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:58 | |
It's been so good for Connor. If I'd had an LGBT youth group, | 0:24:58 | 0:25:02 | |
I feel like that would've been amazing! | 0:25:02 | 0:25:05 | |
For many of us, | 0:25:08 | 0:25:09 | |
our introduction to other LGBT people is through going out on the | 0:25:09 | 0:25:14 | |
gay scene, which is exactly what I did when I was 19. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:17 | |
I moved to East London and I started going out a lot, and it was kind of | 0:25:17 | 0:25:22 | |
this awakening in some ways, because I was meeting all these people that | 0:25:22 | 0:25:27 | |
I was so in awe of, they just seemed so self-possessed and colourful and | 0:25:27 | 0:25:32 | |
vibrant, and they were always at these clubs, | 0:25:32 | 0:25:35 | |
every weekend, and I would go every weekend and I would get to know | 0:25:35 | 0:25:38 | |
everybody and I started going out, I think, too much. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:41 | |
Like, Thursday to Sunday to Monday every week, and now when I think | 0:25:41 | 0:25:45 | |
back about it, I think for it to be really focused around | 0:25:45 | 0:25:50 | |
partying, drugs and sex, | 0:25:50 | 0:25:53 | |
it can really, I don't know, slip in to a really damaging... | 0:25:53 | 0:25:56 | |
..cycle, and it can... I think it can really, if you're already a | 0:25:58 | 0:26:01 | |
vulnerable person, it can really just trap you, | 0:26:01 | 0:26:04 | |
and it's hard to find a way out. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:05 | |
I'm meeting a guy called Sean - | 0:26:10 | 0:26:12 | |
he's 25, he's from London | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
and he is going through struggles with drug use. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:21 | |
Sean is fresh out of an intensive drugs programme, and I'm nervous to | 0:26:21 | 0:26:25 | |
meet him as this issue feels close to home for me and many of my | 0:26:25 | 0:26:29 | |
gay male friends. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:30 | |
-Ah, hello! Finally get to meet you. -Yeah. -It's nice to meet you. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:36 | |
I'm keen to break the ice with Sean, | 0:26:39 | 0:26:41 | |
and dancing is always a good way to do it. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:45 | |
# This is how we do it. # | 0:26:45 | 0:26:47 | |
MUSIC: This Is How We Do It by Montell Jordan | 0:26:47 | 0:26:49 | |
Yeah! Oh, no. | 0:26:49 | 0:26:50 | |
-Switch. -Wait, which leg is that? | 0:26:52 | 0:26:54 | |
Oh, yeah. | 0:26:54 | 0:26:56 | |
-To the side. You really did it! -LAUGHTER | 0:26:56 | 0:27:00 | |
-Travel forward. -Slide! Slide! | 0:27:03 | 0:27:04 | |
Slide! | 0:27:06 | 0:27:07 | |
Wahey! | 0:27:07 | 0:27:10 | |
I want to ask Sean what he thinks may have led to his addiction. | 0:27:14 | 0:27:19 | |
-When did you come out? -I came out officially when I was 17. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:25 | |
-OK. -I got forced out, really. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
My mum asked me one day, "Are you gay?" | 0:27:27 | 0:27:31 | |
And it took me a good 30 minutes before answering, because it was | 0:27:32 | 0:27:37 | |
kind of a big decision for me, | 0:27:37 | 0:27:39 | |
so I told her the truth, it had a backlash. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:43 | |
-Fuck. -She told me to go to my dad's. | 0:27:43 | 0:27:45 | |
So she, like, basically chucked you out? | 0:27:45 | 0:27:47 | |
Yeah, it was fairly hard. | 0:27:47 | 0:27:49 | |
I took it very...like, rejection | 0:27:49 | 0:27:53 | |
from my own mother. | 0:27:53 | 0:27:55 | |
It wasn't eventually until my mum said, | 0:27:55 | 0:27:58 | |
"I'm not upset that you're gay, I still love you, you're my son. | 0:27:58 | 0:28:02 | |
"I'm more scared that if there is a Hell and the Bible says you're | 0:28:04 | 0:28:08 | |
"going to Hell, you will be there, and if I do go to Heaven, I will be | 0:28:08 | 0:28:12 | |
"there. How will I live in peace in Heaven?" | 0:28:12 | 0:28:15 | |
It was hard to be by myself, I had to learn everything by myself. | 0:28:15 | 0:28:19 | |
-Yeah. -It feels like, yeah, like, | 0:28:19 | 0:28:22 | |
loneliness and isolation is something that a lot of queer people | 0:28:22 | 0:28:26 | |
-experience. -Yeah, exactly. | 0:28:26 | 0:28:28 | |
School was horrible. | 0:28:28 | 0:28:31 | |
You tell someone, "A faggot?" | 0:28:31 | 0:28:33 | |
That straightaway is like using the N-word, | 0:28:33 | 0:28:36 | |
if I'm allowed to say that. | 0:28:36 | 0:28:38 | |
It's... It's rude. | 0:28:38 | 0:28:40 | |
That created a lot of friction and a lot of fights broke out, | 0:28:40 | 0:28:44 | |
a lot of arguments. That's the blessing in the isolation, I guess. | 0:28:44 | 0:28:50 | |
I can only say, from my experience, it pushed me into dark places. | 0:28:50 | 0:28:54 | |
The whole culture of cruising... | 0:28:54 | 0:28:56 | |
It felt so... | 0:28:57 | 0:28:59 | |
because it was secretive and I was secretive, it went hand-in-hand. | 0:28:59 | 0:29:04 | |
No-one asked my name, and then | 0:29:04 | 0:29:06 | |
they didn't have to, I got what I wanted, they got what they wanted, | 0:29:06 | 0:29:09 | |
we went our separate ways. | 0:29:09 | 0:29:11 | |
What do you think you were looking for, like, when you went crazy? | 0:29:11 | 0:29:15 | |
Acceptance. Someone to love me. | 0:29:15 | 0:29:18 | |
I didn't get it much anywhere else. | 0:29:20 | 0:29:23 | |
Then as soon as I hit 18, I started sex clubs and saunas, dark rooms. | 0:29:23 | 0:29:29 | |
Do you feel like it went too far, like, on occasions? | 0:29:29 | 0:29:33 | |
Yeah. I slipped into typical gay drugs. | 0:29:33 | 0:29:36 | |
I began with MDMA and then... | 0:29:36 | 0:29:40 | |
..meeting one person, | 0:29:41 | 0:29:43 | |
they helped me into what the gay community called "slamming". | 0:29:43 | 0:29:49 | |
Slamming is when you inject yourself, | 0:29:49 | 0:29:51 | |
and I was injecting crystal meth. | 0:29:51 | 0:29:53 | |
I would be around people who would | 0:29:55 | 0:29:57 | |
give it to me and I would give them my body. | 0:29:57 | 0:30:02 | |
Unfortunately, | 0:30:02 | 0:30:04 | |
the hard lesson had to come from it, and unfortunately I was... | 0:30:04 | 0:30:09 | |
..drugged and raped, | 0:30:11 | 0:30:13 | |
and through that, I got given hepatitis C. | 0:30:13 | 0:30:18 | |
Now, I'm still in treatment now for it. | 0:30:18 | 0:30:20 | |
I fully can't remember the rape, I just remember waking up and | 0:30:24 | 0:30:29 | |
crawling back home. I'll be honest, after the rape, I didn't stop. | 0:30:29 | 0:30:34 | |
I craved more, I craved... | 0:30:34 | 0:30:36 | |
I felt dirty, so I had to be in the dirty area. | 0:30:36 | 0:30:40 | |
In my head, that darkness was my friend. | 0:30:40 | 0:30:43 | |
When rejection comes at you from all these different sides, and | 0:30:46 | 0:30:49 | |
you...all you want is, you're seeking connection and intimacy. | 0:30:49 | 0:30:53 | |
If you even get a shred of acceptance from anybody, from | 0:30:53 | 0:30:56 | |
anything, like maybe Sean got when he first went cruising or he got | 0:30:56 | 0:30:59 | |
when he first went to a party, you know, like, that is all | 0:30:59 | 0:31:02 | |
you have to cling to. | 0:31:02 | 0:31:04 | |
So, of course, that's just going to reinforce itself. | 0:31:04 | 0:31:08 | |
I know that when I was first | 0:31:08 | 0:31:11 | |
sort of going out in the gay scene in East London, | 0:31:11 | 0:31:15 | |
it was just a given that you would do drugs. | 0:31:15 | 0:31:17 | |
You know, it went hand-in-hand with, like, partying, | 0:31:17 | 0:31:20 | |
celebrating and dancing, and that's kind of, you know, the positive side | 0:31:20 | 0:31:23 | |
of gay nightlife, but then it so | 0:31:23 | 0:31:26 | |
easily tipped in...tips into really damaging behaviour. | 0:31:26 | 0:31:30 | |
The feeling of rejection got worse for Sean when he felt he couldn't be | 0:31:33 | 0:31:37 | |
accepted by either parent and was left homeless, | 0:31:37 | 0:31:39 | |
sleeping rough in Soho. | 0:31:39 | 0:31:41 | |
Thank you. | 0:31:44 | 0:31:46 | |
I was on the streets for a good two weeks. | 0:31:46 | 0:31:49 | |
How did you survive? | 0:31:49 | 0:31:50 | |
You do all the bad, rough things that you shouldn't really be doing. | 0:31:52 | 0:31:56 | |
It was just a bad moment. | 0:31:56 | 0:31:57 | |
It was the wrong way to go about things, it was the wrong way to | 0:31:59 | 0:32:03 | |
find who I was. | 0:32:03 | 0:32:05 | |
I feel like you didn't have a choice, like, just when you're | 0:32:07 | 0:32:10 | |
saying, like, "Oh, it was the wrong way to do things," | 0:32:10 | 0:32:12 | |
just, I don't know. | 0:32:12 | 0:32:14 | |
It was the lowest point of my life that I ever got to, and... | 0:32:14 | 0:32:17 | |
I hope I never get back there again. | 0:32:18 | 0:32:20 | |
-Yeah. -Really. Yeah. -It's hard to hear you talk about it. | 0:32:20 | 0:32:24 | |
Yeah. | 0:32:24 | 0:32:25 | |
Sean isn't a one-off. | 0:32:27 | 0:32:29 | |
Young LGBT people are much more likely to become homeless, | 0:32:29 | 0:32:33 | |
making up almost a quarter of young homeless people. | 0:32:33 | 0:32:37 | |
For most of them, like Sean, | 0:32:37 | 0:32:39 | |
their sexual or gender identity was | 0:32:39 | 0:32:41 | |
a factor in their rejection from home. | 0:32:41 | 0:32:43 | |
Hearing Sean's story has really affected me. | 0:32:45 | 0:32:48 | |
I think Sean is... | 0:32:48 | 0:32:50 | |
just very close to home and... | 0:32:50 | 0:32:53 | |
..you know, | 0:32:55 | 0:32:56 | |
not just my experience but so many people who are close to me and | 0:32:56 | 0:33:00 | |
people that, you know, aren't here any more because... | 0:33:00 | 0:33:04 | |
Or for whatever reason, and I just, like... | 0:33:05 | 0:33:09 | |
I just think it's... Oh, my God. | 0:33:11 | 0:33:12 | |
I'm not going to cry in my, like... | 0:33:12 | 0:33:15 | |
..selfie, in my kitchen. | 0:33:19 | 0:33:21 | |
Addiction is a form of self-harm. | 0:33:31 | 0:33:34 | |
Bulimia is another, and it disproportionately affects gay men. | 0:33:34 | 0:33:38 | |
These are usually coping mechanisms, | 0:33:38 | 0:33:40 | |
and there's often a secrecy around them. | 0:33:40 | 0:33:42 | |
With my bulimia, no-one really knew, you just can't tell. | 0:33:44 | 0:33:48 | |
Today I'm in Brighton | 0:33:50 | 0:33:52 | |
to meet a gay guy called Tom who is still very much in crisis. | 0:33:52 | 0:33:56 | |
I'm really looking forward to meeting him, also quite nervous. | 0:33:56 | 0:34:00 | |
I suppose because I've never actually spoken that much about my | 0:34:02 | 0:34:05 | |
bulimia, and every time I do speak about it, | 0:34:05 | 0:34:07 | |
I talk about it like it was a long time ago. | 0:34:07 | 0:34:10 | |
I'm quite apprehensive of | 0:34:10 | 0:34:12 | |
discussing it with somebody who's going through it. | 0:34:12 | 0:34:16 | |
Tom is a 21-year-old English student at university. | 0:34:17 | 0:34:21 | |
He's had to defer his final year because of his poor mental health. | 0:34:21 | 0:34:25 | |
When I was about 15, | 0:34:27 | 0:34:28 | |
I started turning to food to sort of cope with various things, | 0:34:28 | 0:34:33 | |
and that's when I started to start bingeing and then purging | 0:34:33 | 0:34:37 | |
and making myself sick, and sort of on and off, I have used that over | 0:34:37 | 0:34:41 | |
the last five years, | 0:34:41 | 0:34:43 | |
sometimes, like, really intensely, sometimes not so much. | 0:34:43 | 0:34:47 | |
Yeah, as either a coping mechanism, | 0:34:47 | 0:34:49 | |
a way of controlling my body, and then in the last few years, | 0:34:49 | 0:34:53 | |
it's probably got into its most | 0:34:53 | 0:34:55 | |
intense point while I've been at university. | 0:34:55 | 0:34:57 | |
At his worst last year, | 0:34:57 | 0:34:59 | |
Tom was bingeing and purging up to six times a day, | 0:34:59 | 0:35:02 | |
putting his body under huge amounts of pressure. | 0:35:02 | 0:35:05 | |
I think it's probably got a lot to do with coming into my own in terms | 0:35:05 | 0:35:09 | |
of my sexuality, starting to, like, try and dip my toe into, like, | 0:35:09 | 0:35:13 | |
dating guys and actually sex, | 0:35:13 | 0:35:15 | |
and I think that's when the pressures of looking a certain way, | 0:35:15 | 0:35:19 | |
acting a certain way, have really sort of got to me, and then | 0:35:19 | 0:35:22 | |
alongside just finding university difficult. | 0:35:22 | 0:35:25 | |
Is there a specific | 0:35:25 | 0:35:28 | |
thing that makes you feel like, that you think, "OK, now I'm... | 0:35:28 | 0:35:31 | |
"This is making me feel really bad"? | 0:35:31 | 0:35:33 | |
I've got myself into a pattern now where I weigh myself constantly | 0:35:33 | 0:35:36 | |
throughout the day. And so that's become a very big sort of fixture, | 0:35:36 | 0:35:39 | |
is trying to keep that at a certain level, so that I'm always | 0:35:39 | 0:35:41 | |
comfortable with where that is. | 0:35:41 | 0:35:43 | |
And so if that, for any reason, is, like, gone up or down a bit, | 0:35:46 | 0:35:49 | |
then that will often sort of trigger certain behaviours. | 0:35:49 | 0:35:52 | |
How do you feel about stopping? | 0:35:52 | 0:35:54 | |
The idea of stopping... | 0:35:54 | 0:35:55 | |
Yeah, it's an impossibility. | 0:35:55 | 0:35:57 | |
I have no idea how I would go about stopping. | 0:35:57 | 0:35:59 | |
I can't really picture a life where I don't do it. | 0:35:59 | 0:36:01 | |
Because I don't know what I'd do instead. | 0:36:01 | 0:36:03 | |
It's such a difficult... | 0:36:06 | 0:36:08 | |
I mean, I found it so difficult to even want to stop, and I can see | 0:36:08 | 0:36:12 | |
that's something that he's grappling with now. | 0:36:12 | 0:36:16 | |
Something about sharing, sharing that... | 0:36:16 | 0:36:19 | |
It feels really good, it feels good, actually. | 0:36:19 | 0:36:21 | |
Speaking to people who you share an experience with can be so powerful. | 0:36:24 | 0:36:29 | |
Tom and I have arranged to attend an eating-disorder group together. | 0:36:29 | 0:36:32 | |
I'm still dealing with my issues around eating and feel nervous about | 0:36:32 | 0:36:36 | |
opening up. | 0:36:36 | 0:36:37 | |
Yeah, we're going to the UK's only men-only eating disorder group and | 0:36:37 | 0:36:41 | |
sit in on their session. So that's going to be really interesting. | 0:36:41 | 0:36:46 | |
-Hi. -Hi. | 0:36:46 | 0:36:48 | |
The session is being run by Dr Will Devlin from | 0:36:49 | 0:36:52 | |
Men Get Eating Disorders Too. | 0:36:52 | 0:36:54 | |
Well, welcome. Lovely to have you here. | 0:36:54 | 0:36:57 | |
Tom and I are joining members Lawrence and Michael. | 0:36:57 | 0:36:59 | |
I was diagnosed with bulimia last year, but I started sort of showing | 0:37:00 | 0:37:06 | |
the symptoms when I was 15, 16. | 0:37:06 | 0:37:08 | |
I'm 21 now and I'm still struggling with it quite a lot, | 0:37:08 | 0:37:11 | |
I'd say I'm still in the throes of it. | 0:37:11 | 0:37:13 | |
I don't feel like bulimia's really part of my life any more but I still | 0:37:13 | 0:37:15 | |
have this | 0:37:15 | 0:37:17 | |
difficult relationship with food. I feel like it's like your brain gets | 0:37:17 | 0:37:21 | |
-rewired at some point along the way. -Yeah. -It sees food or thinks about | 0:37:21 | 0:37:24 | |
food in a certain way and then once it's wired like that, | 0:37:24 | 0:37:27 | |
it's so hard to just undo it. | 0:37:27 | 0:37:30 | |
They seem to say that they all happen at 13, 14, 15, as well. | 0:37:30 | 0:37:33 | |
Is there, like, a reason for that? | 0:37:33 | 0:37:35 | |
Does it relate to... | 0:37:35 | 0:37:37 | |
how we connect with people at that formative age, and if we don't, | 0:37:37 | 0:37:41 | |
then what do you use? | 0:37:41 | 0:37:43 | |
Do you go into drugs or do you go on to alcohol abuse or do you go into | 0:37:43 | 0:37:48 | |
-eating disorders? -I just was so wanting people to take notice, | 0:37:48 | 0:37:52 | |
in a way. If I just said, "I'm sad," people would be like, "OK, sure." | 0:37:52 | 0:37:56 | |
But if I'm like, "No, I'm actually sad and ill," then they might take | 0:37:56 | 0:37:59 | |
it a bit more seriously. | 0:37:59 | 0:38:00 | |
I ended up going to hospital and, you know, | 0:38:00 | 0:38:02 | |
I had a really irregular heartbeat and the doctor was like, | 0:38:02 | 0:38:05 | |
"Are you throwing up?" You know, I kind of was... | 0:38:05 | 0:38:09 | |
I kind of admitted that that was what I was doing and she was like, | 0:38:09 | 0:38:12 | |
"Well, I think this is because of that." | 0:38:12 | 0:38:14 | |
I felt so ashamed that, you know, | 0:38:14 | 0:38:16 | |
this was what's happened and I'd drawn so much attention to myself, | 0:38:16 | 0:38:19 | |
and I felt like it was really serious. | 0:38:19 | 0:38:21 | |
But I still carried on, really - it took me another, like, four, | 0:38:22 | 0:38:25 | |
five years to sort of stop. | 0:38:25 | 0:38:27 | |
Tom, I wonder what it's like to hear the other guys, cos in some ways, | 0:38:27 | 0:38:31 | |
you're at quite a different place in the journey. | 0:38:31 | 0:38:35 | |
Knowing that there are people who | 0:38:35 | 0:38:37 | |
are better, it's a nice reassurance. | 0:38:37 | 0:38:40 | |
But it's still such an unreal concept. | 0:38:42 | 0:38:45 | |
It's certainly not making me think, "Oh, I'm still in the middle of it, | 0:38:45 | 0:38:48 | |
"how shit for me," it's just | 0:38:48 | 0:38:51 | |
-such a foreign concept, I'm still not sure how I'm processing it. -Mmm. | 0:38:51 | 0:38:54 | |
Just to hear from other people is so much more important than anyone ever | 0:38:56 | 0:39:01 | |
gives it credit for. | 0:39:01 | 0:39:03 | |
And there's something so important about knowing that you're not | 0:39:03 | 0:39:06 | |
-the only one battling something. -Yeah. | 0:39:06 | 0:39:08 | |
I can't tell you how brave I think Tom is. | 0:39:09 | 0:39:12 | |
I can't imagine what it must be like to still be in the middle of that | 0:39:12 | 0:39:15 | |
and be talking about it. | 0:39:15 | 0:39:17 | |
I think it's an incredible thing that he's doing. | 0:39:17 | 0:39:19 | |
Tom has just done something I never did - | 0:39:24 | 0:39:26 | |
open up about his eating disorder while still going through it. | 0:39:26 | 0:39:30 | |
Hopefully it'll help him recover and overcome the stigma. | 0:39:30 | 0:39:33 | |
I've decided to take this idea of | 0:39:35 | 0:39:37 | |
talking about things to a whole new level. | 0:39:37 | 0:39:41 | |
So I'm in London, I'm in East London, | 0:39:41 | 0:39:42 | |
and tonight we are putting on a mental-health-themed night at | 0:39:42 | 0:39:46 | |
The Glory, which is a local gay bar, | 0:39:46 | 0:39:49 | |
and I'm going to have performances and, yeah, I think it's going to be | 0:39:49 | 0:39:52 | |
really, really fun. I'm really excited. | 0:39:52 | 0:39:54 | |
I'm putting on the night with East End drag royalty Jonny Woo. | 0:39:56 | 0:40:01 | |
-Hi, Jonny! -Hello, how are you? | 0:40:01 | 0:40:04 | |
-Oh, my God. This is amazing! -I know, this is my honesty box. | 0:40:04 | 0:40:06 | |
-Let me have a look at it. -Do you like it? -It's beautiful. | 0:40:06 | 0:40:09 | |
-Did you do it yourself? -Yeah. I'm just going to set up here, then. | 0:40:09 | 0:40:12 | |
I made this honesty box to allow people to post their true fears and | 0:40:12 | 0:40:16 | |
anxieties. It's clear none of us are talking enough about mental health | 0:40:16 | 0:40:20 | |
and I want this event to encourage people to share. | 0:40:20 | 0:40:23 | |
Some will do this through performances, and I hope for others | 0:40:23 | 0:40:27 | |
my box will be a start. I think, as queer people, | 0:40:27 | 0:40:30 | |
once we come out, and I think there's this pressure to, sort of, | 0:40:30 | 0:40:33 | |
behave like everything's fine and you're happy and proud, and it | 0:40:33 | 0:40:37 | |
doesn't matter who you are, there's really a stigma around | 0:40:37 | 0:40:40 | |
talking about mental health. | 0:40:40 | 0:40:41 | |
It's hard for everybody, but I think there's kind of a... | 0:40:41 | 0:40:44 | |
It's quite a specific issue in the queer community that I think is... | 0:40:46 | 0:40:51 | |
makes it a hard thing to address. | 0:40:51 | 0:40:53 | |
Owning up to there being a problem is a good step forward. | 0:40:55 | 0:40:59 | |
The next step, throw some glitter at it. | 0:40:59 | 0:41:02 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, it is the Olly and Jonny Show! | 0:41:02 | 0:41:04 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:41:04 | 0:41:07 | |
Welcome to The Glory's Big Gay Mental Health Night... | 0:41:07 | 0:41:11 | |
CHEERING | 0:41:11 | 0:41:14 | |
..celebrating, investigating and getting to the bottom | 0:41:14 | 0:41:17 | |
of gay mental health. | 0:41:17 | 0:41:19 | |
Now to enlist some confessions and darkest fears. | 0:41:19 | 0:41:22 | |
Can you come and write in my mental health box? | 0:41:22 | 0:41:25 | |
I might. I mean, I've got a story and a half to tell, so... | 0:41:25 | 0:41:27 | |
Put it in. Your, like, thoughts and feelings, your secrets, | 0:41:27 | 0:41:30 | |
or whatever, confessions. There's, like, pens and paper | 0:41:30 | 0:41:32 | |
and stuff over there. | 0:41:32 | 0:41:34 | |
I'm supposed to steer clear of queer company... | 0:41:34 | 0:41:37 | |
People with mental health problems, they just need a little respect. | 0:41:37 | 0:41:41 | |
# One more time, let's do it again. # | 0:41:41 | 0:41:46 | |
# I left my phone on, and my Grindr kept getting loads of notifications | 0:41:57 | 0:42:00 | |
# And one of them was from my dad! # | 0:42:00 | 0:42:03 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up! | 0:42:03 | 0:42:05 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:42:06 | 0:42:09 | |
Oh, my gosh! Um... | 0:42:12 | 0:42:13 | |
I don't know what to say. It was... | 0:42:13 | 0:42:15 | |
It was amazing. | 0:42:15 | 0:42:17 | |
It was so good! | 0:42:18 | 0:42:19 | |
I asked people to put their confessions in my honesty box. | 0:42:19 | 0:42:23 | |
OK, this one says, "It was frigging scary, but then one day my teacher | 0:42:25 | 0:42:28 | |
"pulled me aside after school and told me about their gay friend. | 0:42:28 | 0:42:31 | |
"It was the first time I'd heard that you could be gay and happy. | 0:42:31 | 0:42:35 | |
"My depression lifted and I came out soon after." | 0:42:35 | 0:42:37 | |
That's nice. This one says, "I hate my body, | 0:42:37 | 0:42:41 | |
"I do not like what I see in the mirror, and I feel I will never find | 0:42:41 | 0:42:45 | |
"a partner until I look better and fit the gay stereotype, | 0:42:45 | 0:42:49 | |
"and it makes me really sad and hopeless sometimes." | 0:42:49 | 0:42:53 | |
"The hate of homosexuality that the world instilled in me as I was | 0:42:55 | 0:43:00 | |
"growing up stays with me. | 0:43:00 | 0:43:02 | |
"It is a battle that I attempt to overcome every day." | 0:43:02 | 0:43:05 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:43:06 | 0:43:09 | |
It's quite shocking to read these, because you're like... | 0:43:10 | 0:43:13 | |
I was there tonight, like everyone was having a good time and it's like | 0:43:13 | 0:43:16 | |
you can have a good time but, you know, | 0:43:16 | 0:43:18 | |
people are actually feeling these things and... | 0:43:18 | 0:43:21 | |
You know, this is, like... you know... That's, like, honest. | 0:43:22 | 0:43:25 | |
Nothing is going to happen unless we talk about this. | 0:43:27 | 0:43:31 | |
Like, it's just not. Like... | 0:43:31 | 0:43:33 | |
We can't pretend like things are going to get better if we don't | 0:43:34 | 0:43:37 | |
fucking talk about it. | 0:43:37 | 0:43:39 | |
Sorry. | 0:43:39 | 0:43:41 | |
Like, it's just not. | 0:43:41 | 0:43:42 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:43:44 | 0:43:48 | |
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS | 0:43:54 | 0:43:57 | |
Everyone I've spoken to was either bullied at school for being LGBT or | 0:43:59 | 0:44:02 | |
it was made clear that it was shameful. | 0:44:02 | 0:44:04 | |
Imagine the benefits to them if that had been directly challenged. | 0:44:05 | 0:44:09 | |
Today I'm at a school in Wood Green in London, and I've been asked by an | 0:44:10 | 0:44:16 | |
organisation called Diversity Role Models to take part of a workshop | 0:44:16 | 0:44:20 | |
that's all about LGBT issues. | 0:44:20 | 0:44:22 | |
And my good friend Paris Lees is thankfully doing it with me. | 0:44:22 | 0:44:27 | |
Hiya. What are you doing at the bike shed? | 0:44:27 | 0:44:30 | |
Oh, you know me, just hanging around. | 0:44:30 | 0:44:32 | |
How are you? I'm so nervous. | 0:44:32 | 0:44:36 | |
-Me too. -It's exciting, as well, though, right? | 0:44:36 | 0:44:38 | |
-Yeah, it'll be good. It does look like a nice school, actually. -Yeah. | 0:44:38 | 0:44:42 | |
Gemma Curtis has been mentoring us on how to be good LGBT role | 0:44:42 | 0:44:46 | |
models, and she'll be holding our hands throughout. | 0:44:46 | 0:44:49 | |
How are you both feeling about telling your stories? | 0:44:49 | 0:44:52 | |
-Scared. -Yeah. -HE LAUGHS | 0:44:53 | 0:44:55 | |
I'm excited, but I'm really worried I'm going to cry. | 0:44:55 | 0:44:58 | |
Oh, my God, don't. No. | 0:44:58 | 0:45:00 | |
How many times have you done this, do you think? | 0:45:00 | 0:45:02 | |
-Oh, wow, in schools? Hundreds. Hundreds and hundreds. -Really? | 0:45:02 | 0:45:06 | |
I'm not going to lie - both Paris and I are petrified. | 0:45:06 | 0:45:10 | |
This is the first time I've been inside a school, I think, since I | 0:45:10 | 0:45:13 | |
left, and I try, like, to not think about, like, young me very much, | 0:45:13 | 0:45:16 | |
-cos it makes me sad. -Yes. | 0:45:16 | 0:45:18 | |
And then when you're around just, like, loads of young people, | 0:45:18 | 0:45:21 | |
reminds me of when I was young. | 0:45:21 | 0:45:24 | |
-Olly is going to introduce a bit of a game. -Anagram game. So, | 0:45:24 | 0:45:27 | |
it's going to be some words on this side that are jumbled up, and I want | 0:45:27 | 0:45:30 | |
you to rearrange them into words they actually are meant to be. | 0:45:30 | 0:45:33 | |
-Lesbian. -Shout out. Lesbian? | 0:45:33 | 0:45:35 | |
-CLASS: -Lesbian. Gay. Bisexual. Transgender. -Woo! | 0:45:35 | 0:45:38 | |
-Very good. That was very quick. Yeah. -We're very impressed. -OK. | 0:45:38 | 0:45:42 | |
What do we think might be the key issues that somebody who | 0:45:42 | 0:45:46 | |
identifies as LGBT would be dealing with | 0:45:46 | 0:45:49 | |
if they were in school with you guys? | 0:45:49 | 0:45:52 | |
Yeah. | 0:45:52 | 0:45:53 | |
-Bullying. -What kind of bullying might that be? | 0:45:53 | 0:45:56 | |
"Stay away from me, I don't want to be friends with you." | 0:45:56 | 0:45:58 | |
-So, rejection? -Yeah. | 0:45:58 | 0:46:01 | |
They'll feel bad about themselves, like, for, like, | 0:46:01 | 0:46:04 | |
-being gay or lesbian. -Low self-esteem? -Low self-esteem, yeah. | 0:46:04 | 0:46:07 | |
-Would you say ostracised? -Yeah, that's a really good word, yes. | 0:46:07 | 0:46:10 | |
I think, because, like, sometimes people aren't comfortable coming out | 0:46:10 | 0:46:13 | |
to their parents and they...their parents might judge them, they think | 0:46:13 | 0:46:17 | |
other people might be worse and, like, act differently towards them. | 0:46:17 | 0:46:22 | |
-Excellent. -I don't think this board's big enough, actually. | 0:46:22 | 0:46:25 | |
Let's give Olly a big round of applause. | 0:46:25 | 0:46:27 | |
Thank you. | 0:46:27 | 0:46:29 | |
Yeah, so, my name's Olly. | 0:46:29 | 0:46:31 | |
Hello, it's very nice to meet all of you. | 0:46:31 | 0:46:33 | |
I was going to tell you a little bit about my story, | 0:46:33 | 0:46:36 | |
my time at school. You know, | 0:46:36 | 0:46:38 | |
people would say to me that the things that I did were gay, | 0:46:38 | 0:46:41 | |
or the clothes that I wore were gay. And they meant it in a negative way. | 0:46:41 | 0:46:44 | |
And they told me to stop being gay. | 0:46:44 | 0:46:46 | |
"Stop behaving gay." That I was a poof or a fag, you know, | 0:46:46 | 0:46:49 | |
or they'd make fun of me or they'd push me around in the playground. | 0:46:49 | 0:46:52 | |
And...I was really terrified that I might actually be gay. | 0:46:52 | 0:46:57 | |
Like, maybe they were right, | 0:46:57 | 0:46:59 | |
like the things they were saying to me might be true. | 0:46:59 | 0:47:02 | |
But I didn't want to admit it, like, | 0:47:02 | 0:47:04 | |
because I thought being gay was a bad thing. | 0:47:04 | 0:47:05 | |
I felt ashamed. I think the words we use are so important. | 0:47:05 | 0:47:09 | |
We can't forget that. | 0:47:09 | 0:47:11 | |
I really hope you've got some questions, | 0:47:11 | 0:47:13 | |
and you're going to write them down on a post-it note. | 0:47:13 | 0:47:16 | |
Now it's time to see if we got them thinking. | 0:47:16 | 0:47:18 | |
"Did you ever use the word gay in a negative way yourself, to fit in?" | 0:47:24 | 0:47:28 | |
-Olly. -Erm... I think I probably did, you know? | 0:47:28 | 0:47:31 | |
Yeah. The pressure to fit in is really big, isn't it? | 0:47:31 | 0:47:34 | |
"Did you get help from your school, Paris?" | 0:47:34 | 0:47:37 | |
No, and it's a really good question. | 0:47:37 | 0:47:39 | |
More kids are being supported in schools now, | 0:47:39 | 0:47:41 | |
and I think that's a really good thing. | 0:47:41 | 0:47:43 | |
With the support of their school and their family, | 0:47:43 | 0:47:46 | |
they are much more likely to be happy, healthy | 0:47:46 | 0:47:49 | |
and not have problems. | 0:47:49 | 0:47:51 | |
"How can I help my friend with coming out?" | 0:47:51 | 0:47:54 | |
Supporting your friends...a friend who wants to come out is all about | 0:47:54 | 0:47:57 | |
just, you know, being respectful of how they feel. | 0:47:57 | 0:47:59 | |
And if you do see abuse or your friend suffering, | 0:47:59 | 0:48:03 | |
you're ready to step in and help in some way, | 0:48:03 | 0:48:05 | |
even if it's just being there for them. | 0:48:05 | 0:48:07 | |
I wish I went to this school. | 0:48:11 | 0:48:12 | |
I wish I'd gone to this school, too. | 0:48:14 | 0:48:16 | |
We've done research which shows that two years, three years down the | 0:48:17 | 0:48:21 | |
line, they still remember the facts of the stories of the role models | 0:48:21 | 0:48:24 | |
-that came in. -Yeah. -So your stories kind of will seep in. | 0:48:24 | 0:48:27 | |
-People remember stories, yeah. -Yeah, they do. | 0:48:27 | 0:48:30 | |
I mean, I just keep thinking, if this had happened in my school, I | 0:48:30 | 0:48:32 | |
-just... It blows my mind that it can happen in this environment. -Yeah. | 0:48:32 | 0:48:35 | |
It works, too. | 0:48:35 | 0:48:37 | |
On average, in all the schools Diversity Role Models have worked in | 0:48:37 | 0:48:41 | |
over the last two years, | 0:48:41 | 0:48:43 | |
over 40% of students said they use homophobic or transphobic language | 0:48:43 | 0:48:47 | |
before the session, and only 15% would after. | 0:48:47 | 0:48:51 | |
It's great what they're doing, but why should a charity be doing this? | 0:48:51 | 0:48:55 | |
Shouldn't schools be addressing this anyway as part of the curriculum? | 0:48:55 | 0:48:59 | |
Without a shadow of a doubt, | 0:48:59 | 0:49:01 | |
it would have made such a difference if I'd had LGBT-inclusive | 0:49:01 | 0:49:04 | |
sex-and-relationship education. | 0:49:04 | 0:49:06 | |
It would have helped me in so many ways, | 0:49:06 | 0:49:08 | |
and it would have helped other queer kids, | 0:49:08 | 0:49:10 | |
but also it would have helped the kids that weren't queer, | 0:49:10 | 0:49:13 | |
that were straight. Like, everybody benefits from this kind of | 0:49:13 | 0:49:16 | |
sex-and-relationship education. | 0:49:16 | 0:49:18 | |
I'm learning more and more the benefits of how good it feels to | 0:49:22 | 0:49:26 | |
talk about stuff, and also being honest with yourself about how | 0:49:26 | 0:49:29 | |
you're feeling, something I fear Sean hasn't entirely been doing. | 0:49:29 | 0:49:33 | |
We were meant to meet up a couple of weeks ago, | 0:49:34 | 0:49:36 | |
but he had to reschedule because he was having a lot of anxiety and | 0:49:36 | 0:49:40 | |
panic attacks and things. | 0:49:40 | 0:49:42 | |
So I think he's going through a really tough time at the moment. | 0:49:42 | 0:49:46 | |
I'm hoping he feels he can talk to me about what's been going on. | 0:49:48 | 0:49:51 | |
-How you doing? -Oh, good. -Yeah? -Good. Hanging in there. | 0:49:53 | 0:49:57 | |
I am what we call in recovery, lapsing, um... | 0:49:57 | 0:50:01 | |
..and I lapsed into doing drugs again. | 0:50:02 | 0:50:06 | |
Um... I came home from work, it was a bad day of work, | 0:50:06 | 0:50:10 | |
I just really wanted to just do nothing. | 0:50:10 | 0:50:13 | |
And I got a text from someone I previously did drugs with. | 0:50:14 | 0:50:18 | |
Because I was so down on myself and my self-worth, | 0:50:18 | 0:50:21 | |
before I knew it the voice in my head wanting to go and do drugs... | 0:50:21 | 0:50:26 | |
It made my heart really beat out of my chest. | 0:50:26 | 0:50:30 | |
I was thinking... | 0:50:30 | 0:50:31 | |
.."Finally I'm going to get some. | 0:50:33 | 0:50:35 | |
"Finally I'm going to get what I want. | 0:50:35 | 0:50:37 | |
"Finally I'm going to go back to what I felt was normal." | 0:50:37 | 0:50:42 | |
It's clear Sean is still in the midst of some very tough times, | 0:50:42 | 0:50:45 | |
but he seems so together. | 0:50:45 | 0:50:47 | |
Putting on a brave face is something I do, too. | 0:50:48 | 0:50:51 | |
-So you know when we met last time... -Yeah? -..and talking about kind of... | 0:50:51 | 0:50:57 | |
..glossing over things or making things sound like everything's | 0:50:58 | 0:51:01 | |
-fine, and you were saying stuff to me like... -Yeah. | 0:51:01 | 0:51:03 | |
.."I was drugged and raped and this happened and this happened but, | 0:51:03 | 0:51:07 | |
"you know, it was a real positive experience and here I am now." and, | 0:51:07 | 0:51:10 | |
like... It just sounded like it was so hard for you. | 0:51:10 | 0:51:12 | |
And I felt like you weren't acknowledging that. | 0:51:12 | 0:51:14 | |
Yeah. I don't like the memory of it... | 0:51:14 | 0:51:17 | |
-Yeah. -..but at the same time I do think about it. | 0:51:17 | 0:51:20 | |
I think about it a lot. | 0:51:20 | 0:51:22 | |
The moments that I talk about | 0:51:24 | 0:51:26 | |
anything personal, | 0:51:26 | 0:51:29 | |
I always put on a smile because I don't like anyone thinking that I'm | 0:51:29 | 0:51:33 | |
-weak... -Yeah. -..or vulnerable or... | 0:51:33 | 0:51:37 | |
things that make me look like I'm damaged goods. | 0:51:37 | 0:51:40 | |
And those moments, especially that moment of | 0:51:40 | 0:51:45 | |
me getting raped, it was... | 0:51:45 | 0:51:47 | |
I don't know what to say, it was... | 0:51:49 | 0:51:52 | |
..a difficult time, because I still blame myself. | 0:51:54 | 0:51:57 | |
Why? Why do you blame yourself? | 0:51:57 | 0:51:59 | |
I guess it's the bad habit of beating myself up. | 0:52:01 | 0:52:04 | |
-Yeah. -Trying to see what -I -did wrong. | 0:52:04 | 0:52:06 | |
Instead of seeking help to try and go, "OK, you went through this, | 0:52:06 | 0:52:10 | |
"let's move on from that," I really just pushed it down, | 0:52:10 | 0:52:13 | |
hence why I'm always smiling and always giving this... | 0:52:13 | 0:52:18 | |
"I'm fine" persona. | 0:52:18 | 0:52:20 | |
I don't know, it's like some of the stuff that he was saying, like... | 0:52:21 | 0:52:24 | |
Hearing it is quite hard because, you know, he was saying, like, he | 0:52:24 | 0:52:27 | |
still blames himself for being raped. Like, what the fuck?! Like... | 0:52:27 | 0:52:31 | |
You know, that's really... Oh! | 0:52:33 | 0:52:35 | |
It's just, people shouldn't have to feel like that. God! | 0:52:39 | 0:52:42 | |
Oh... HE WEEPS | 0:52:42 | 0:52:45 | |
Yeah, it's just... It's horrible. | 0:52:46 | 0:52:48 | |
It does really hit close to home because... | 0:52:50 | 0:52:53 | |
You know, it's like... | 0:52:54 | 0:52:56 | |
I feel like it's just something... | 0:52:59 | 0:53:00 | |
..that me and my friends have had experience with. | 0:53:02 | 0:53:07 | |
I've had friends that aren't here any more because... | 0:53:07 | 0:53:10 | |
You know? And it's like... | 0:53:10 | 0:53:13 | |
If one more person goes that way, it's like... | 0:53:13 | 0:53:16 | |
I can't... | 0:53:16 | 0:53:18 | |
Like, it's not right! | 0:53:19 | 0:53:21 | |
Guys that are maybe doing too much drugs and... | 0:53:22 | 0:53:25 | |
It's just scary how it can be, like, | 0:53:26 | 0:53:29 | |
one step away from those people being lost to us, you know? | 0:53:29 | 0:53:31 | |
I don't want that to happen to Sean! | 0:53:31 | 0:53:33 | |
I really don't. | 0:53:33 | 0:53:35 | |
We're losing too many gay men to drugs. | 0:53:43 | 0:53:46 | |
A recent report by Imperial College claims someone dies every 12 days in | 0:53:46 | 0:53:51 | |
London, just from the chemsex drug G, | 0:53:51 | 0:53:55 | |
and drug use generally within the LGBT community is thought to be | 0:53:55 | 0:53:58 | |
seven times higher than the general population. | 0:53:58 | 0:54:01 | |
I think lots of this is down to self-worth. | 0:54:02 | 0:54:04 | |
Following his lapse, I'm so pleased that Sean is seeking further help | 0:54:08 | 0:54:12 | |
from the drugs programme he was on. | 0:54:12 | 0:54:14 | |
Antidote is the UK's only LGBT-specific drug and alcohol | 0:54:14 | 0:54:18 | |
service, and is based at London Friend. | 0:54:18 | 0:54:21 | |
-All right. -All right. | 0:54:23 | 0:54:26 | |
I'm just very grateful to Sean for letting me hear about his story. | 0:54:28 | 0:54:31 | |
All our stories are connected, you know? And it's... | 0:54:33 | 0:54:35 | |
We can all relate to that, and I... | 0:54:35 | 0:54:38 | |
I still do it, you know? | 0:54:39 | 0:54:41 | |
I still put on a... | 0:54:41 | 0:54:43 | |
put on a smile cos... You know? | 0:54:43 | 0:54:46 | |
I think being honest with ourselves about the wounds that we've been | 0:54:46 | 0:54:49 | |
dealt and the scars that we have is part of the process, you know? | 0:54:49 | 0:54:53 | |
Today my band, Years & Years, | 0:55:01 | 0:55:03 | |
are headlining the Mighty Hoopla Festival in London. | 0:55:03 | 0:55:06 | |
Mighty Hoopla is a festival, kind of organised by the Sink the Pink crew, | 0:55:06 | 0:55:12 | |
who are a queer kind of collective. | 0:55:12 | 0:55:15 | |
Are you ready for our next act?! | 0:55:15 | 0:55:17 | |
It should be a really queer event. | 0:55:17 | 0:55:20 | |
Lots of LGBT people. | 0:55:20 | 0:55:22 | |
CROWD SINGS | 0:55:23 | 0:55:27 | |
I don't actually know where I'm going. LAUGHTER | 0:55:32 | 0:55:35 | |
I think I need to get into a car. | 0:55:35 | 0:55:37 | |
When I look back at myself ten years ago, | 0:55:41 | 0:55:43 | |
the main difference is now I know how to take care of my own mental | 0:55:43 | 0:55:46 | |
health. Like, I have the tools available to me, so if something | 0:55:46 | 0:55:50 | |
comes up, I can be like, "Pow!" You know? | 0:55:50 | 0:55:53 | |
-Knock that back. -There's a little gap here. | 0:55:53 | 0:55:55 | |
-Do you want me to get that? -Yeah. -Yeah? -LAUGHTER | 0:55:55 | 0:55:58 | |
-Well, this is a first. -Are you wearing a jockstrap? -Yes! LAUGHTER | 0:55:58 | 0:56:03 | |
-Yes, dear! -Do you like it? | 0:56:03 | 0:56:05 | |
-Yes. -I had this bright idea that I would like to be | 0:56:05 | 0:56:10 | |
just in my gold underwear, covered in gold glitter, | 0:56:10 | 0:56:13 | |
so that's what...that's what's happening right now. | 0:56:13 | 0:56:16 | |
I'm being covered in gold glitter. Just, I have these ideas and then... | 0:56:16 | 0:56:19 | |
Getting stuck in. | 0:56:19 | 0:56:21 | |
Everyone thought I was joking, but I wasn't. | 0:56:21 | 0:56:25 | |
-How you doing, Mikey? -Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. | 0:56:25 | 0:56:28 | |
-I'm just wearing normal clothes, looking normal. -LAUGHTER | 0:56:28 | 0:56:31 | |
-Oh, my God! -Oh, my God! -LAUGHTER | 0:56:31 | 0:56:34 | |
I think we have a real opportunity here to help | 0:56:41 | 0:56:44 | |
younger generations and the ones that come after them. | 0:56:44 | 0:56:47 | |
CHEERING | 0:56:47 | 0:56:51 | |
If it's a choice between kids having low self-esteem, damaged, | 0:56:51 | 0:56:54 | |
feeling undeserving of love, ashamed, versus | 0:56:54 | 0:56:59 | |
encouragement and positivity for them to live their authentic selves | 0:56:59 | 0:57:02 | |
and be who they are, we have to do | 0:57:02 | 0:57:05 | |
everything we can to make sure that happens. | 0:57:05 | 0:57:07 | |
-We just need to reverse. -So, what do you do? -OLLY LAUGHS | 0:57:07 | 0:57:10 | |
Then it becomes unquestioned and normal that we have inclusive LGBT | 0:57:10 | 0:57:14 | |
sex-and-relationship education, it becomes normal that parents know how | 0:57:14 | 0:57:17 | |
to talk to their kids about their sexuality, and then we can try and | 0:57:17 | 0:57:20 | |
stop what's...the suffering and pain that's happening. | 0:57:20 | 0:57:22 | |
I think it is really hard not to let how you grew up, | 0:57:26 | 0:57:30 | |
growing up gay in a straight world, | 0:57:30 | 0:57:33 | |
affect you. | 0:57:33 | 0:57:35 | |
My journey has been... | 0:57:35 | 0:57:37 | |
..really trying to reconcile everything | 0:57:39 | 0:57:41 | |
that happened to me growing up and, you know, | 0:57:41 | 0:57:45 | |
now I do things that I never dreamed I would do. | 0:57:45 | 0:57:47 | |
I've gone on stage in, you know, crazy outfits. | 0:57:47 | 0:57:51 | |
I'm really out to everybody. | 0:57:51 | 0:57:55 | |
And I | 0:57:55 | 0:57:56 | |
get to spread a message in front of thousands of people. | 0:57:56 | 0:58:01 | |
The queer community inspires me every day. | 0:58:01 | 0:58:03 | |
We are a very, very diverse community, but I think one thing | 0:58:03 | 0:58:06 | |
that we can have in common is the love and support for each other. | 0:58:06 | 0:58:11 | |
So... CHEERING | 0:58:11 | 0:58:14 | |
And one thing that I've learned recently is, like, | 0:58:14 | 0:58:17 | |
how hard we all find it to talk - | 0:58:17 | 0:58:19 | |
like, really, really to talk. | 0:58:19 | 0:58:21 | |
You need to take some time to actually listen to somebody, | 0:58:21 | 0:58:24 | |
because it can make such a difference. | 0:58:24 | 0:58:26 | |
So this tent loves you, like, no matter what sexuality, gender, | 0:58:26 | 0:58:30 | |
what your body looks like, what you look like, whether you're femme, | 0:58:30 | 0:58:33 | |
whether you're masc, whether you're young or old. | 0:58:33 | 0:58:35 | |
Like, we look out for each other! CHEERING | 0:58:35 | 0:58:39 | |
OK. | 0:58:39 | 0:58:40 | |
# Don't you remember how I used to like being on the line... # | 0:58:42 | 0:58:47 | |
You deserve to have a happy life. | 0:58:48 | 0:58:51 | |
Never think that you shouldn't have love or you shouldn't be entitled to | 0:58:51 | 0:58:56 | |
a happy family or whatever you want. | 0:58:56 | 0:58:59 | |
You deserve to have them. | 0:58:59 | 0:59:00 | |
Young LGBT people are, like, the strongest, bravest, | 0:59:00 | 0:59:03 | |
most inspiring people I know. | 0:59:03 | 0:59:05 | |
# All that I compromised to feel another high | 0:59:05 | 0:59:09 | |
# I've gotta keep it down tonight | 0:59:09 | 0:59:13 | |
# And oh-oh-oh, I was a king under your control | 0:59:13 | 0:59:19 | |
# And oh-oh-oh, I want to feel like you've let me go | 0:59:22 | 0:59:28 | |
# So let me go. # | 0:59:28 | 0:59:30 | |
Merci beaucoup, goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:59:47 | 0:59:53 |