Olly Alexander: Growing up Gay


Olly Alexander: Growing up Gay

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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This programme contains some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting

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I'm Olly Alexander.

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I'm lead singer of the band Years & Years and an out gay man.

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-Back seat, what's up?

-Hiya!

-Hiya!

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I've also recently come out about my struggles with my mental health.

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I have anxiety and depression, and I'm not alone.

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There's a perception that in 2017,

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for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender people, it's all good.

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We have equal marriage, we're protected in rights.

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But...

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the stats tell us that 40% of LGBT people

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are likely to suffer with mental health issues

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like anxiety and depression,

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compared to 25% of the general population.

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That's outrageous.

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And I feel like it's something we are just ignoring.

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It's something that I come across all the time

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from fans of Years & Years in letters,

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when I talk to them at shows.

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It's something I know about my own personal experience,

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but also my friends who are in the community.

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I, personally, have yet to meet a LGBT person that hasn't...

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..been unscathed by... growing up LGBT.

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I mean, I haven't.

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I want to understand why and what impact growing up gay has had on me.

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MUSIC: Take Shelter by Years & Years

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CHEERING

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PIANO PLAYING, CHUCKLING

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Three, four...

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# What to say about dreams... #

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INDISTINCT LYRICS

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I'm making this film while writing and rehearsing

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the difficult second album.

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No-one can say I don't like a challenge.

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And again.

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# And you're reaching for your brother's arms

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# The two-tone flash of the alarm

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# And I choke

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# It's too close... # THEY CHUCKLE

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# And you're standing on that higher step

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# I think I'll run away from this

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# I go

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# It's to F... # Then G.

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'I've lived with anxiety and depression since my teenage years.

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'I guess I'm lucky because I recognised the problem and got help.

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'But I do still have regular lapses.'

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As a band, we're pretty good at talking about our feelings.

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We've gotten better at it, as well,

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and it's... It's kind of a crazy environment to be in.

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I take my medication. I see a therapist once a week.

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And yeah, I have highs and lows. Um...

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And I get freaked out a lot.

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But it's not as much as I used to,

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and I'm much better at managing stuff, you know.

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It helps that my bandmates, Mikey and Emre, are hugely supportive

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when I do have an anxiety attack, or when I can't get out of bed.

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When you go on stage, you're on stage

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and there's nothing you can do to get out of that situation.

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It's more acute for him cos he's...

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Cos he's right at the centre, front.

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And singing, I think, is a very personal thing to do.

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-We can hide a bit behind our...

-Yeah!

-..our synths.

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But, yeah, there's been a few times when we've had to...prop him up

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when he didn't want to go on stage

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or didn't want to go back on for the encore

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and just wasn't feeling very confident.

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When we're on tour, I just get into this quite ,like,

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like a robot athlete.

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Like, I'm just...you know, like, focus, I go to bed early,

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I, like, have to be good to myself and I have to perform on stage

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and almost not think too much about everything that's going on

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because I've had times when I've, you know, just come off stage

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and had, like, a panic attack and I'm sobbing

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and I have to go back on stage.

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LAUGHS: And it's like... You know, just like...

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You, like, take the microphone, you're on stage smiling,

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and you're just like, "This is a nightmare."

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And that's not a good place to be in.

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I've probably been aware of my depression and anxiety

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for about 12 years.

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But I often wonder where it came from and what caused it.

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I've always kept diaries, so they feel like a good place to begin.

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What I started to notice when I was reading back these diaries

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was how...really early on,

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I start to feel really distressed

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and I don't tell anyone about it, I don't think.

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So I'm 14, turning 15.

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I think my parents have just split up.

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And I'm starting to really have, like, long periods of feeling low

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and feeling people don't understand me

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and feeling kind of just unhappy and confused by it.

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"2nd of October, 2005.

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"The other night was the worst it's ever been.

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"I need to remember this.

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"I remember dancing - that was awesome,

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"feeling consumed by such incredible energy.

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"But I was so hot, so I took my shirt off,

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"just my small black T-shirt left.

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"Dancing, and then Matt came up to me and saw my plaster on my arm.

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"And then came the words I've been waiting for ever since I began.

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"'You haven't been cutting yourself, have you?'"

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HE EXHALES Boy!

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I just wanted to do it because I felt like it was...

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I had all these feelings that I couldn't...deal with,

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so, you know, harming myself was, like...

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..seemed the most obvious way to deal with it.

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It felt, like...simple and...

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you know, it felt good to do it.

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But then it felt awful. And then it was just this cycle.

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And then a year later, I kind of stop doing that,

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and I develop an eating disorder, basically.

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Throwing up food and just constantly...

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constantly thinking about what I'm eating.

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Like, I've just written pages of, "I will not eat bread.

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"I will not eat cakes.

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"I will not eat chocolate. I will not eat bread.

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"I will not eat cakes. I will not eat chocolate."

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It's a really hard thing to talk about.

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HE LAUGHS

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That's why I'm trying to talk about it.

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We want to tell people that we're proud and that we're happy and that,

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look, being gay didn't make me sad, it didn't make me...

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It hasn't made things harder for me, it's made them better.

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It's made things great. Look at how...

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You know? And then it can be hard to then go, "Actually,

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I think maybe growing up gay in a straight world, um...

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has really affected me and has made me feel all these things, and I

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think that can be a really hard thing for people to actually say.

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You know, I'm not saying that being gay means you're going to be sad or

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you're going to be depressed. I'm not saying that.

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But...there's a link.

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And I think

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I want to understand it better.

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Reading back my diaries,

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it's shocking to see how low I was at that time.

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I'm in a better place now, but I'm pretty sure that, for me,

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a big part of my struggles with mental health are down to those

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years of coming to terms with my sexuality.

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During that time, I was living at home with my mum.

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Going home can be a difficult experience.

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I feel like I was a different person when I was a teenager growing up.

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On the way here, like, "Why do I feel sick?"

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And it feels a bit like facing up to some painful memories.

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I left school and then moved

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to London, and I have a different life now, and it's like

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now I'm realising that part of me is sort of trying to, like,

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squash down a lot of that and be

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like, "Well, I'm this different person now," you know.

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Sleepy Coleford is a far cry from my hectic life in London.

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It's where my lovely mum Vicky still lives.

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-Hello?

-O-o-o-oh.

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-Mwah!

-How are you doing?

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I'm good. How are you?

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-You look lovely.

-Well, you look even lovelier.

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THEY LAUGH

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This is my old room.

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'I moved here with my mum and brother a few years after my parents

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split up and my dad moved away.'

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This is it.

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This is my room from about 16.

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I feel a bit, like, it's like living in a cupboard under the stairs.

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I think 16-year-old me was very...

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..very emotional.

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And I felt a bit, like, lonely because I didn't really tell...

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I wasn't really telling anybody about it.

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I always felt, really, like I was maybe a freak.

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Like I was really different, because

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people were just telling me that I was different all the time, really.

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Part of me really liked being weird, liked being different.

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I thought that was...

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that was who I was, but then another part of me thought it was...

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just wished, I wished I was like everyone else,

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I wished I was normal.

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"Normal." My God, I can't believe I said I wished I was normal!

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I don't wish I was normal.

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Yeah.

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I hate that word.

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I don't think my mum really knew what was going on for me back then,

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so I've decided it's time we talked about it.

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So I've got something to show you.

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What is it?

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I haven't seen Mum for a few months and she's been going through all our

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old home videos.

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Terrifying.

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-Is that me?

-Yes.

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'Steps - The Next Step Live, which is so cool, it's got all the songs.'

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HE LAUGHS

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'Well, it's the last Christmas of the 20th century,

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'and I'm so excited.'

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HE LAUGHS IN EMBARRASSMENT

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Oh, my God! I feel sick.

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# I don't want no scrubs

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# A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me

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# Hanging out the passenger side of his best friend's ride

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# Trying to holler at me. #

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I look so uncomfortable.

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I was bullied from when I was nine until I was about 15.

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But I didn't really tell anyone.

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I don't know if you knew, but in primary school,

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I started getting bullied.

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I looked like a girl. They said I looked like a girl.

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-Really?

-Yeah. Because I had long hair.

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-And then that became that I was gay.

-Oh!

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And then in secondary school, yeah...

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I started to, like, think that I was gay,

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-and then...

-Mmm.

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..that became...

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I just wished, I was just like, "I don't want to be gay,"

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-and I kind of...

-It was too much.

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I already felt like people picked on me and then I was like,

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"This is going to be even worse," and then...

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I think...I don't know.

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It seems like I was just, like...

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putting jazz hands over everything.

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I think about when you asked me, did I know that you were gay?

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-Yeah.

-I said, you know, I had a feeling that you might be.

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But maybe I didn't want to, um...

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-affirm that because of fear...

-Mmm.

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..of what your life might become like,

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from all the homophobia that still exists out there.

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-So the bullying...?

-When I was, like, 14, 15, it kind of stopped.

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And then you started becoming anorexic, bulimic.

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I was bulimic, really, and then having...

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I was restricting food, as well.

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And I would self-harm.

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SHE SIGHS

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I remember thinking, "Why's this happening?"

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I don't think we really had a...

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a full conversation about... Did we?

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Yeah.

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HE SOBS

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Yeah, I guess.

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I guess I think I might have been in denial, maybe, or...

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I felt so bad because I couldn't explain to you what was going on,

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and I felt ashamed of myself for, like, being the way I was,

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and I couldn't tell you.

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And, like...

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Could anything have been different if you'd been able to talk to me?

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I can't help but feel guilty as a parent.

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What could I have...? Oh, I don't...

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There was nothing you could have done.

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I couldn't talk about it.

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-No.

-I hadn't come to terms with myself at all with anything.

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You're a great mum. You are a great mum.

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I feel like I'm starting to sort of blame myself a little bit less.

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I can see why maybe I did struggle the way I did, because...

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..like, I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone.

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And I was ashamed of myself.

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And part of that was because I was ashamed of being gay.

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And no wonder, really, that it then caused me to...

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..get so low and,

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you know, feel the way I did about things.

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The shame I felt from such a young age must have had a major impact

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on my mental health.

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School was a horrible time for me, and bulimia and self-harm

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were my ways of coping.

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I felt I couldn't talk to anybody, not even my best friend, Georgina.

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Hi, George!

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Sometimes I think

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the closer someone is to you, the harder it is to share.

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Georgina, we were so close.

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We spent every day together.

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You know, there did come a time when we were aware that the other was

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going through some stuff, but we just... We didn't know how to have a

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conversation about it.

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Do you remember when we first laid eyes on each other?

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Yeah. THEY LAUGH

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I just remember you having curtains and a choker,

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and following...literally following me around, like this.

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Oh, my God!

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You were, like, stalking me everywhere.

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HE LAUGHS Oh, my God!

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-I was obsessed with you from the first moment.

-Awww.

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George was someone who helped me survive my traumatic school years.

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Oh, my God, like, it's not even here any more!

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This is so weird. It's all gone.

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Yeah.

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-I find it quite hard to actually remember stuff.

-Yeah.

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Getting bullied, but it wasn't really ever that bad, physically,

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but it just was being made to feel like I was different and I didn't

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-fit in and stuff.

-Yeah, yeah.

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There was a general kind of vocabulary around you being used

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that wasn't...that wasn't positive, I guess.

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Yeah. Did you think I was gay, always think I was gay?

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Yeah. But then you started seeing girls and...

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I don't know, I guess, yeah, I was confused, looking, like,

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from a friend point of view, yeah.

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Always knowing, but then never...

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maybe never having the courage to bring it up with you or something,

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even though we were really close, but...

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-I don't know how you would have.

-Yeah.

-Like, "Babe..."

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-THEY LAUGH

-Yeah. "Do you know that you're gay?"

-"I think you're gay."

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-Yeah.

-I think at school, I learned that people around me

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were my enemies.

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You know, like, other kids were going to be mean to me.

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I was always on guard, on the defensive all the time.

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It just creates this, like... Even talking about it now, I'm, like,

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getting anxiety about it and it's...

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Yeah. I never liked spending time with kids my own age because I

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thought they'd be mean to me and that...

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Yeah, I guess I learned that at school, that I didn't fit in with

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them, so I should... I'd have to go find somewhere else to fit in.

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Looking back,

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I think that rejection had a huge impact on my mental health.

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George wants to take me back to one of her old haunts.

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We danced together a lot in our teens and we can't help repeat

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old habits whenever we get together.

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And I do not need any excuse to dance.

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Put a mirror in front of me and I'm just, like,

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"Sorry, I'm too busy looking at myself."

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And turn.

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-We used to make our own dance routines up.

-Yeah.

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-BOTH:

-Scoop.

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-Loop.

-Loop.

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-Scoop.

-Scoop.

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THEY LAUGH

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It feels just like old times.

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But a lot has happened to both of us.

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Whilst we've both grown-up queer,

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George has only recently had the courage to come out.

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And she's had her own issues to deal with.

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I started having kind of breakdowns.

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Like, at the end of primary school,

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I would just cry and I didn't know why, and...

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..and then that kind of continued

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throughout secondary school, as well.

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There were, like, moments of just real distress.

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I started developing symptoms of an eating disorder

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when I was, like, 11 or 12.

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I knew you had a difficult relationship with eating.

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And then I think I then told you that I thought I was bulimic.

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I remember that conversation.

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Cos, for me, kind of being confused about these feelings that I was

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having and trying to suppress them because I wasn't... I didn't know

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what to do with them and where to place them in terms of trying to

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dull it down and not act on it or...

0:18:130:18:16

not even knowing how to act on it, anyway.

0:18:160:18:19

It was really good to hear that stuff and part of me was like,

0:18:190:18:22

"Why didn't we tell each other at the time?" But...

0:18:220:18:25

Well, I wish that the first time I was questioning my sexuality,

0:18:250:18:28

it had felt safe to say, "Oh, I don't know what my sexuality is.

0:18:280:18:32

"Maybe I'm gay." I wish that had

0:18:320:18:34

been something I could have done, you know.

0:18:340:18:37

Because it wasn't. And so that's your first introduction to your

0:18:370:18:42

sexuality, is that it's wrong and that you have to hide it.

0:18:420:18:45

You cannot underestimate shame.

0:18:460:18:50

The moment it kind of creeps into your life from a really young

0:18:500:18:53

age, for LGBT people,

0:18:530:18:56

the moment that you realise that you're different to everyone else,

0:18:560:18:59

that just plants the seed of toxic

0:18:590:19:03

pain, and it just grows and grows and grows, and then it just gets

0:19:030:19:07

larger and larger as you grow older,

0:19:070:19:09

and I think that has a huge impact.

0:19:090:19:13

I left school ten years ago now

0:19:160:19:19

and I doubt the effects will ever leave me.

0:19:190:19:22

I'd hoped things had changed, but a brand-new study by Stonewall shows

0:19:220:19:26

that half of all LGBT teens are bullied at school.

0:19:260:19:29

Today I'm meeting a young guy called Connor.

0:19:310:19:34

He's just turned 15.

0:19:340:19:36

He's gay and he was bullied out of his school.

0:19:360:19:40

-Hello.

-Hello!

-Come in.

-Thanks.

0:19:400:19:43

-Hello, mate, are you all right?

-Hi, Connor.

-Hi, Olly.

0:19:440:19:47

-How are you doing?

-Good, thanks.

0:19:470:19:50

How did you get on at school?

0:19:500:19:52

Usual. Just boring.

0:19:520:19:53

Near enough?

0:19:540:19:56

Well, school's definitely not changed that much, then.

0:19:560:19:59

-When did you come out?

-At school.

0:20:000:20:03

-13.

-Right.

0:20:030:20:05

I feel like it's a really brave

0:20:050:20:07

thing to come out as young as you did.

0:20:070:20:10

How bad did the bullying get?

0:20:120:20:14

At one point,

0:20:140:20:16

a group of girls had spread a rumour that I'd done stuff with an older

0:20:160:20:19

boy, and the boy found me the next day, grabbed me by the throat at the

0:20:190:20:24

-top of a set of stairs and pushed me down them.

-Wow.

0:20:240:20:27

Mum phoned the school,

0:20:270:20:29

had a go at them, and I think the next day or something,

0:20:290:20:33

she had a meeting with the headmistress and told her, I'm...

0:20:330:20:36

She's taking me out of school and she isn't bringing me back.

0:20:360:20:39

You feel like you're alone, you have no want to go to,

0:20:390:20:43

you feel insecure about yourself,

0:20:430:20:46

you feel like there is completely nothing you can do to change it and

0:20:460:20:51

people targeting you for no apparent reason,

0:20:510:20:55

apart from you being you, is just heartbreaking.

0:20:550:20:59

At one point, I was self-harming quite badly and I do still have

0:20:590:21:04

scars from it. I was quite suicidal.

0:21:040:21:07

I admit I did try to attempt it,

0:21:070:21:10

because I didn't think I deserved to be here any more, I felt like I was

0:21:100:21:14

a disgrace and I couldn't turn to anyone.

0:21:140:21:16

-Did you talk to your mum?

-No, I didn't talk to anyone.

0:21:180:21:21

I pushed everyone that I was close to away from me.

0:21:210:21:23

I think it's really, um...

0:21:250:21:27

It's so hard to talk about, you know, thoughts of suicide.

0:21:270:21:31

-Yeah.

-Because I think it really scares people.

0:21:310:21:33

-It's a scary thing.

-It is, yeah.

-It really scares people.

0:21:330:21:35

-Yeah.

-And it obviously... It's so good to talk about it.

0:21:350:21:39

-Yeah.

-It is, yeah.

0:21:390:21:41

Because it relieves people from stress and thinking they're,

0:21:410:21:44

like, alone in feeling that way, and you can help other people get

0:21:440:21:47

-out of that state...

-Yeah.

0:21:470:21:48

..cos you know what it's like, being in there yourself.

0:21:480:21:51

Connor isn't alone.

0:21:550:21:57

Stonewall's study shows that two in three LGBT teens will have

0:21:570:22:02

self-harmed, and one in four - including 45% of trans pupils -

0:22:020:22:06

will have attempted to take their own life.

0:22:060:22:08

It's so awful to think that these young people can't imagine their

0:22:110:22:14

bright futures whilst in the midst of being bullied.

0:22:140:22:16

I want to find out how Connor's mum Helen coped with her son being in

0:22:180:22:22

-crisis.

-He was very depressed, very suicidal,

0:22:220:22:27

um...

0:22:270:22:29

self-harming...

0:22:290:22:30

How did you know that that was going on?

0:22:310:22:34

He didn't tell me, he's just got very withdrawn and I didn't trust

0:22:340:22:37

him being on his own. I knew something wasn't right.

0:22:370:22:40

And I made...used to make him get in bed with me,

0:22:430:22:46

just so I knew where he was and that

0:22:460:22:48

he was safe, so I could get sleep and...

0:22:480:22:51

You feel like you've failed as a parent.

0:22:510:22:53

You really, really do.

0:22:530:22:56

I just want to say...

0:22:560:22:58

-Sorry.

-No, no, don't apologise. It's...

0:22:580:23:01

I just wanted to tell you that I have had a conversation with my mum

0:23:010:23:06

really similar to this, and she said, like,

0:23:060:23:08

really similar things, because she felt she didn't know what was going

0:23:080:23:11

on with me when I was at school.

0:23:110:23:13

-Yeah.

-And it was really hard for her, I think, as well.

0:23:130:23:16

-I'm sorry.

-Give me a hug.

0:23:160:23:19

-No, I'm sorry, too.

-Sorry.

0:23:190:23:21

Sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

0:23:230:23:26

-No.

-I'm sorry.

0:23:260:23:28

Please don't apologise.

0:23:280:23:30

No, you do, you feel like you've failed as a parent, because your job

0:23:300:23:33

as a parent is to protect your child, and you can't protect them

0:23:330:23:37

from everything because you're not there 24/7.

0:23:370:23:39

Of course you can't, of course you can't.

0:23:390:23:41

How people cannot speak to the children just because

0:23:410:23:45

they have come out as transgender, bisexual,

0:23:450:23:49

lesbian, gay...so bloody what?

0:23:490:23:52

-They're your child. That's...

-Yeah.

-Sorry.

0:23:520:23:55

When she was talking about Connor having thoughts of suicide,

0:23:580:24:02

I can't imagine, you know...

0:24:020:24:03

..someone, you know, saying that to my mum,

0:24:050:24:08

even though, you know, like...

0:24:080:24:10

I did have some really dark thoughts at that time...

0:24:150:24:17

..and you don't know... You don't know how to deal with it.

0:24:190:24:22

With his mum's support, Connor is doing so much better.

0:24:230:24:27

She's found him a local LGBT youth group called Blah, where he gets to

0:24:270:24:31

hang out with young people like him.

0:24:310:24:33

-Hi, guys.

-Hi!

-Hey!

0:24:330:24:37

-This is Olly.

-Hiya!

0:24:370:24:40

I just think it goes to show, like,

0:24:400:24:42

Connor was going through all this stuff, and then it took him talking

0:24:420:24:45

to his mum, leaving his school, but then finding a youth group for him

0:24:450:24:48

to then start feeling more on top of things.

0:24:480:24:50

Having youth groups and having places where

0:24:500:24:52

young queer people can meet each other and share stories and, like,

0:24:520:24:55

find support with each other is just so good.

0:24:550:24:58

It's been so good for Connor. If I'd had an LGBT youth group,

0:24:580:25:02

I feel like that would've been amazing!

0:25:020:25:05

For many of us,

0:25:080:25:09

our introduction to other LGBT people is through going out on the

0:25:090:25:14

gay scene, which is exactly what I did when I was 19.

0:25:140:25:17

I moved to East London and I started going out a lot, and it was kind of

0:25:170:25:22

this awakening in some ways, because I was meeting all these people that

0:25:220:25:27

I was so in awe of, they just seemed so self-possessed and colourful and

0:25:270:25:32

vibrant, and they were always at these clubs,

0:25:320:25:35

every weekend, and I would go every weekend and I would get to know

0:25:350:25:38

everybody and I started going out, I think, too much.

0:25:380:25:41

Like, Thursday to Sunday to Monday every week, and now when I think

0:25:410:25:45

back about it, I think for it to be really focused around

0:25:450:25:50

partying, drugs and sex,

0:25:500:25:53

it can really, I don't know, slip in to a really damaging...

0:25:530:25:56

..cycle, and it can... I think it can really, if you're already a

0:25:580:26:01

vulnerable person, it can really just trap you,

0:26:010:26:04

and it's hard to find a way out.

0:26:040:26:05

I'm meeting a guy called Sean -

0:26:100:26:12

he's 25, he's from London

0:26:120:26:15

and he is going through struggles with drug use.

0:26:150:26:21

Sean is fresh out of an intensive drugs programme, and I'm nervous to

0:26:210:26:25

meet him as this issue feels close to home for me and many of my

0:26:250:26:29

gay male friends.

0:26:290:26:30

-Ah, hello! Finally get to meet you.

-Yeah.

-It's nice to meet you.

0:26:320:26:36

I'm keen to break the ice with Sean,

0:26:390:26:41

and dancing is always a good way to do it.

0:26:410:26:45

# This is how we do it. #

0:26:450:26:47

MUSIC: This Is How We Do It by Montell Jordan

0:26:470:26:49

Yeah! Oh, no.

0:26:490:26:50

-Switch.

-Wait, which leg is that?

0:26:520:26:54

Oh, yeah.

0:26:540:26:56

-To the side. You really did it!

-LAUGHTER

0:26:560:27:00

-Travel forward.

-Slide! Slide!

0:27:030:27:04

Slide!

0:27:060:27:07

Wahey!

0:27:070:27:10

I want to ask Sean what he thinks may have led to his addiction.

0:27:140:27:19

-When did you come out?

-I came out officially when I was 17.

0:27:190:27:25

-OK.

-I got forced out, really.

0:27:250:27:27

My mum asked me one day, "Are you gay?"

0:27:270:27:31

And it took me a good 30 minutes before answering, because it was

0:27:320:27:37

kind of a big decision for me,

0:27:370:27:39

so I told her the truth, it had a backlash.

0:27:390:27:43

-Fuck.

-She told me to go to my dad's.

0:27:430:27:45

So she, like, basically chucked you out?

0:27:450:27:47

Yeah, it was fairly hard.

0:27:470:27:49

I took it very...like, rejection

0:27:490:27:53

from my own mother.

0:27:530:27:55

It wasn't eventually until my mum said,

0:27:550:27:58

"I'm not upset that you're gay, I still love you, you're my son.

0:27:580:28:02

"I'm more scared that if there is a Hell and the Bible says you're

0:28:040:28:08

"going to Hell, you will be there, and if I do go to Heaven, I will be

0:28:080:28:12

"there. How will I live in peace in Heaven?"

0:28:120:28:15

It was hard to be by myself, I had to learn everything by myself.

0:28:150:28:19

-Yeah.

-It feels like, yeah, like,

0:28:190:28:22

loneliness and isolation is something that a lot of queer people

0:28:220:28:26

-experience.

-Yeah, exactly.

0:28:260:28:28

School was horrible.

0:28:280:28:31

You tell someone, "A faggot?"

0:28:310:28:33

That straightaway is like using the N-word,

0:28:330:28:36

if I'm allowed to say that.

0:28:360:28:38

It's... It's rude.

0:28:380:28:40

That created a lot of friction and a lot of fights broke out,

0:28:400:28:44

a lot of arguments. That's the blessing in the isolation, I guess.

0:28:440:28:50

I can only say, from my experience, it pushed me into dark places.

0:28:500:28:54

The whole culture of cruising...

0:28:540:28:56

It felt so...

0:28:570:28:59

because it was secretive and I was secretive, it went hand-in-hand.

0:28:590:29:04

No-one asked my name, and then

0:29:040:29:06

they didn't have to, I got what I wanted, they got what they wanted,

0:29:060:29:09

we went our separate ways.

0:29:090:29:11

What do you think you were looking for, like, when you went crazy?

0:29:110:29:15

Acceptance. Someone to love me.

0:29:150:29:18

I didn't get it much anywhere else.

0:29:200:29:23

Then as soon as I hit 18, I started sex clubs and saunas, dark rooms.

0:29:230:29:29

Do you feel like it went too far, like, on occasions?

0:29:290:29:33

Yeah. I slipped into typical gay drugs.

0:29:330:29:36

I began with MDMA and then...

0:29:360:29:40

..meeting one person,

0:29:410:29:43

they helped me into what the gay community called "slamming".

0:29:430:29:49

Slamming is when you inject yourself,

0:29:490:29:51

and I was injecting crystal meth.

0:29:510:29:53

I would be around people who would

0:29:550:29:57

give it to me and I would give them my body.

0:29:570:30:02

Unfortunately,

0:30:020:30:04

the hard lesson had to come from it, and unfortunately I was...

0:30:040:30:09

..drugged and raped,

0:30:110:30:13

and through that, I got given hepatitis C.

0:30:130:30:18

Now, I'm still in treatment now for it.

0:30:180:30:20

I fully can't remember the rape, I just remember waking up and

0:30:240:30:29

crawling back home. I'll be honest, after the rape, I didn't stop.

0:30:290:30:34

I craved more, I craved...

0:30:340:30:36

I felt dirty, so I had to be in the dirty area.

0:30:360:30:40

In my head, that darkness was my friend.

0:30:400:30:43

When rejection comes at you from all these different sides, and

0:30:460:30:49

you...all you want is, you're seeking connection and intimacy.

0:30:490:30:53

If you even get a shred of acceptance from anybody, from

0:30:530:30:56

anything, like maybe Sean got when he first went cruising or he got

0:30:560:30:59

when he first went to a party, you know, like, that is all

0:30:590:31:02

you have to cling to.

0:31:020:31:04

So, of course, that's just going to reinforce itself.

0:31:040:31:08

I know that when I was first

0:31:080:31:11

sort of going out in the gay scene in East London,

0:31:110:31:15

it was just a given that you would do drugs.

0:31:150:31:17

You know, it went hand-in-hand with, like, partying,

0:31:170:31:20

celebrating and dancing, and that's kind of, you know, the positive side

0:31:200:31:23

of gay nightlife, but then it so

0:31:230:31:26

easily tipped in...tips into really damaging behaviour.

0:31:260:31:30

The feeling of rejection got worse for Sean when he felt he couldn't be

0:31:330:31:37

accepted by either parent and was left homeless,

0:31:370:31:39

sleeping rough in Soho.

0:31:390:31:41

Thank you.

0:31:440:31:46

I was on the streets for a good two weeks.

0:31:460:31:49

How did you survive?

0:31:490:31:50

You do all the bad, rough things that you shouldn't really be doing.

0:31:520:31:56

It was just a bad moment.

0:31:560:31:57

It was the wrong way to go about things, it was the wrong way to

0:31:590:32:03

find who I was.

0:32:030:32:05

I feel like you didn't have a choice, like, just when you're

0:32:070:32:10

saying, like, "Oh, it was the wrong way to do things,"

0:32:100:32:12

just, I don't know.

0:32:120:32:14

It was the lowest point of my life that I ever got to, and...

0:32:140:32:17

I hope I never get back there again.

0:32:180:32:20

-Yeah.

-Really. Yeah.

-It's hard to hear you talk about it.

0:32:200:32:24

Yeah.

0:32:240:32:25

Sean isn't a one-off.

0:32:270:32:29

Young LGBT people are much more likely to become homeless,

0:32:290:32:33

making up almost a quarter of young homeless people.

0:32:330:32:37

For most of them, like Sean,

0:32:370:32:39

their sexual or gender identity was

0:32:390:32:41

a factor in their rejection from home.

0:32:410:32:43

Hearing Sean's story has really affected me.

0:32:450:32:48

I think Sean is...

0:32:480:32:50

just very close to home and...

0:32:500:32:53

..you know,

0:32:550:32:56

not just my experience but so many people who are close to me and

0:32:560:33:00

people that, you know, aren't here any more because...

0:33:000:33:04

Or for whatever reason, and I just, like...

0:33:050:33:09

I just think it's... Oh, my God.

0:33:110:33:12

I'm not going to cry in my, like...

0:33:120:33:15

..selfie, in my kitchen.

0:33:190:33:21

Addiction is a form of self-harm.

0:33:310:33:34

Bulimia is another, and it disproportionately affects gay men.

0:33:340:33:38

These are usually coping mechanisms,

0:33:380:33:40

and there's often a secrecy around them.

0:33:400:33:42

With my bulimia, no-one really knew, you just can't tell.

0:33:440:33:48

Today I'm in Brighton

0:33:500:33:52

to meet a gay guy called Tom who is still very much in crisis.

0:33:520:33:56

I'm really looking forward to meeting him, also quite nervous.

0:33:560:34:00

I suppose because I've never actually spoken that much about my

0:34:020:34:05

bulimia, and every time I do speak about it,

0:34:050:34:07

I talk about it like it was a long time ago.

0:34:070:34:10

I'm quite apprehensive of

0:34:100:34:12

discussing it with somebody who's going through it.

0:34:120:34:16

Tom is a 21-year-old English student at university.

0:34:170:34:21

He's had to defer his final year because of his poor mental health.

0:34:210:34:25

When I was about 15,

0:34:270:34:28

I started turning to food to sort of cope with various things,

0:34:280:34:33

and that's when I started to start bingeing and then purging

0:34:330:34:37

and making myself sick, and sort of on and off, I have used that over

0:34:370:34:41

the last five years,

0:34:410:34:43

sometimes, like, really intensely, sometimes not so much.

0:34:430:34:47

Yeah, as either a coping mechanism,

0:34:470:34:49

a way of controlling my body, and then in the last few years,

0:34:490:34:53

it's probably got into its most

0:34:530:34:55

intense point while I've been at university.

0:34:550:34:57

At his worst last year,

0:34:570:34:59

Tom was bingeing and purging up to six times a day,

0:34:590:35:02

putting his body under huge amounts of pressure.

0:35:020:35:05

I think it's probably got a lot to do with coming into my own in terms

0:35:050:35:09

of my sexuality, starting to, like, try and dip my toe into, like,

0:35:090:35:13

dating guys and actually sex,

0:35:130:35:15

and I think that's when the pressures of looking a certain way,

0:35:150:35:19

acting a certain way, have really sort of got to me, and then

0:35:190:35:22

alongside just finding university difficult.

0:35:220:35:25

Is there a specific

0:35:250:35:28

thing that makes you feel like, that you think, "OK, now I'm...

0:35:280:35:31

"This is making me feel really bad"?

0:35:310:35:33

I've got myself into a pattern now where I weigh myself constantly

0:35:330:35:36

throughout the day. And so that's become a very big sort of fixture,

0:35:360:35:39

is trying to keep that at a certain level, so that I'm always

0:35:390:35:41

comfortable with where that is.

0:35:410:35:43

And so if that, for any reason, is, like, gone up or down a bit,

0:35:460:35:49

then that will often sort of trigger certain behaviours.

0:35:490:35:52

How do you feel about stopping?

0:35:520:35:54

The idea of stopping...

0:35:540:35:55

Yeah, it's an impossibility.

0:35:550:35:57

I have no idea how I would go about stopping.

0:35:570:35:59

I can't really picture a life where I don't do it.

0:35:590:36:01

Because I don't know what I'd do instead.

0:36:010:36:03

It's such a difficult...

0:36:060:36:08

I mean, I found it so difficult to even want to stop, and I can see

0:36:080:36:12

that's something that he's grappling with now.

0:36:120:36:16

Something about sharing, sharing that...

0:36:160:36:19

It feels really good, it feels good, actually.

0:36:190:36:21

Speaking to people who you share an experience with can be so powerful.

0:36:240:36:29

Tom and I have arranged to attend an eating-disorder group together.

0:36:290:36:32

I'm still dealing with my issues around eating and feel nervous about

0:36:320:36:36

opening up.

0:36:360:36:37

Yeah, we're going to the UK's only men-only eating disorder group and

0:36:370:36:41

sit in on their session. So that's going to be really interesting.

0:36:410:36:46

-Hi.

-Hi.

0:36:460:36:48

The session is being run by Dr Will Devlin from

0:36:490:36:52

Men Get Eating Disorders Too.

0:36:520:36:54

Well, welcome. Lovely to have you here.

0:36:540:36:57

Tom and I are joining members Lawrence and Michael.

0:36:570:36:59

I was diagnosed with bulimia last year, but I started sort of showing

0:37:000:37:06

the symptoms when I was 15, 16.

0:37:060:37:08

I'm 21 now and I'm still struggling with it quite a lot,

0:37:080:37:11

I'd say I'm still in the throes of it.

0:37:110:37:13

I don't feel like bulimia's really part of my life any more but I still

0:37:130:37:15

have this

0:37:150:37:17

difficult relationship with food. I feel like it's like your brain gets

0:37:170:37:21

-rewired at some point along the way.

-Yeah.

-It sees food or thinks about

0:37:210:37:24

food in a certain way and then once it's wired like that,

0:37:240:37:27

it's so hard to just undo it.

0:37:270:37:30

They seem to say that they all happen at 13, 14, 15, as well.

0:37:300:37:33

Is there, like, a reason for that?

0:37:330:37:35

Does it relate to...

0:37:350:37:37

how we connect with people at that formative age, and if we don't,

0:37:370:37:41

then what do you use?

0:37:410:37:43

Do you go into drugs or do you go on to alcohol abuse or do you go into

0:37:430:37:48

-eating disorders?

-I just was so wanting people to take notice,

0:37:480:37:52

in a way. If I just said, "I'm sad," people would be like, "OK, sure."

0:37:520:37:56

But if I'm like, "No, I'm actually sad and ill," then they might take

0:37:560:37:59

it a bit more seriously.

0:37:590:38:00

I ended up going to hospital and, you know,

0:38:000:38:02

I had a really irregular heartbeat and the doctor was like,

0:38:020:38:05

"Are you throwing up?" You know, I kind of was...

0:38:050:38:09

I kind of admitted that that was what I was doing and she was like,

0:38:090:38:12

"Well, I think this is because of that."

0:38:120:38:14

I felt so ashamed that, you know,

0:38:140:38:16

this was what's happened and I'd drawn so much attention to myself,

0:38:160:38:19

and I felt like it was really serious.

0:38:190:38:21

But I still carried on, really - it took me another, like, four,

0:38:220:38:25

five years to sort of stop.

0:38:250:38:27

Tom, I wonder what it's like to hear the other guys, cos in some ways,

0:38:270:38:31

you're at quite a different place in the journey.

0:38:310:38:35

Knowing that there are people who

0:38:350:38:37

are better, it's a nice reassurance.

0:38:370:38:40

But it's still such an unreal concept.

0:38:420:38:45

It's certainly not making me think, "Oh, I'm still in the middle of it,

0:38:450:38:48

"how shit for me," it's just

0:38:480:38:51

-such a foreign concept, I'm still not sure how I'm processing it.

-Mmm.

0:38:510:38:54

Just to hear from other people is so much more important than anyone ever

0:38:560:39:01

gives it credit for.

0:39:010:39:03

And there's something so important about knowing that you're not

0:39:030:39:06

-the only one battling something.

-Yeah.

0:39:060:39:08

I can't tell you how brave I think Tom is.

0:39:090:39:12

I can't imagine what it must be like to still be in the middle of that

0:39:120:39:15

and be talking about it.

0:39:150:39:17

I think it's an incredible thing that he's doing.

0:39:170:39:19

Tom has just done something I never did -

0:39:240:39:26

open up about his eating disorder while still going through it.

0:39:260:39:30

Hopefully it'll help him recover and overcome the stigma.

0:39:300:39:33

I've decided to take this idea of

0:39:350:39:37

talking about things to a whole new level.

0:39:370:39:41

So I'm in London, I'm in East London,

0:39:410:39:42

and tonight we are putting on a mental-health-themed night at

0:39:420:39:46

The Glory, which is a local gay bar,

0:39:460:39:49

and I'm going to have performances and, yeah, I think it's going to be

0:39:490:39:52

really, really fun. I'm really excited.

0:39:520:39:54

I'm putting on the night with East End drag royalty Jonny Woo.

0:39:560:40:01

-Hi, Jonny!

-Hello, how are you?

0:40:010:40:04

-Oh, my God. This is amazing!

-I know, this is my honesty box.

0:40:040:40:06

-Let me have a look at it.

-Do you like it?

-It's beautiful.

0:40:060:40:09

-Did you do it yourself?

-Yeah. I'm just going to set up here, then.

0:40:090:40:12

I made this honesty box to allow people to post their true fears and

0:40:120:40:16

anxieties. It's clear none of us are talking enough about mental health

0:40:160:40:20

and I want this event to encourage people to share.

0:40:200:40:23

Some will do this through performances, and I hope for others

0:40:230:40:27

my box will be a start. I think, as queer people,

0:40:270:40:30

once we come out, and I think there's this pressure to, sort of,

0:40:300:40:33

behave like everything's fine and you're happy and proud, and it

0:40:330:40:37

doesn't matter who you are, there's really a stigma around

0:40:370:40:40

talking about mental health.

0:40:400:40:41

It's hard for everybody, but I think there's kind of a...

0:40:410:40:44

It's quite a specific issue in the queer community that I think is...

0:40:460:40:51

makes it a hard thing to address.

0:40:510:40:53

Owning up to there being a problem is a good step forward.

0:40:550:40:59

The next step, throw some glitter at it.

0:40:590:41:02

Ladies and gentlemen, it is the Olly and Jonny Show!

0:41:020:41:04

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:41:040:41:07

Welcome to The Glory's Big Gay Mental Health Night...

0:41:070:41:11

CHEERING

0:41:110:41:14

..celebrating, investigating and getting to the bottom

0:41:140:41:17

of gay mental health.

0:41:170:41:19

Now to enlist some confessions and darkest fears.

0:41:190:41:22

Can you come and write in my mental health box?

0:41:220:41:25

I might. I mean, I've got a story and a half to tell, so...

0:41:250:41:27

Put it in. Your, like, thoughts and feelings, your secrets,

0:41:270:41:30

or whatever, confessions. There's, like, pens and paper

0:41:300:41:32

and stuff over there.

0:41:320:41:34

I'm supposed to steer clear of queer company...

0:41:340:41:37

People with mental health problems, they just need a little respect.

0:41:370:41:41

# One more time, let's do it again. #

0:41:410:41:46

# I left my phone on, and my Grindr kept getting loads of notifications

0:41:570:42:00

# And one of them was from my dad! #

0:42:000:42:03

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up!

0:42:030:42:05

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:060:42:09

Oh, my gosh! Um...

0:42:120:42:13

I don't know what to say. It was...

0:42:130:42:15

It was amazing.

0:42:150:42:17

It was so good!

0:42:180:42:19

I asked people to put their confessions in my honesty box.

0:42:190:42:23

OK, this one says, "It was frigging scary, but then one day my teacher

0:42:250:42:28

"pulled me aside after school and told me about their gay friend.

0:42:280:42:31

"It was the first time I'd heard that you could be gay and happy.

0:42:310:42:35

"My depression lifted and I came out soon after."

0:42:350:42:37

That's nice. This one says, "I hate my body,

0:42:370:42:41

"I do not like what I see in the mirror, and I feel I will never find

0:42:410:42:45

"a partner until I look better and fit the gay stereotype,

0:42:450:42:49

"and it makes me really sad and hopeless sometimes."

0:42:490:42:53

"The hate of homosexuality that the world instilled in me as I was

0:42:550:43:00

"growing up stays with me.

0:43:000:43:02

"It is a battle that I attempt to overcome every day."

0:43:020:43:05

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:060:43:09

It's quite shocking to read these, because you're like...

0:43:100:43:13

I was there tonight, like everyone was having a good time and it's like

0:43:130:43:16

you can have a good time but, you know,

0:43:160:43:18

people are actually feeling these things and...

0:43:180:43:21

You know, this is, like... you know... That's, like, honest.

0:43:220:43:25

Nothing is going to happen unless we talk about this.

0:43:270:43:31

Like, it's just not. Like...

0:43:310:43:33

We can't pretend like things are going to get better if we don't

0:43:340:43:37

fucking talk about it.

0:43:370:43:39

Sorry.

0:43:390:43:41

Like, it's just not.

0:43:410:43:42

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:440:43:48

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

0:43:540:43:57

Everyone I've spoken to was either bullied at school for being LGBT or

0:43:590:44:02

it was made clear that it was shameful.

0:44:020:44:04

Imagine the benefits to them if that had been directly challenged.

0:44:050:44:09

Today I'm at a school in Wood Green in London, and I've been asked by an

0:44:100:44:16

organisation called Diversity Role Models to take part of a workshop

0:44:160:44:20

that's all about LGBT issues.

0:44:200:44:22

And my good friend Paris Lees is thankfully doing it with me.

0:44:220:44:27

Hiya. What are you doing at the bike shed?

0:44:270:44:30

Oh, you know me, just hanging around.

0:44:300:44:32

How are you? I'm so nervous.

0:44:320:44:36

-Me too.

-It's exciting, as well, though, right?

0:44:360:44:38

-Yeah, it'll be good. It does look like a nice school, actually.

-Yeah.

0:44:380:44:42

Gemma Curtis has been mentoring us on how to be good LGBT role

0:44:420:44:46

models, and she'll be holding our hands throughout.

0:44:460:44:49

How are you both feeling about telling your stories?

0:44:490:44:52

-Scared.

-Yeah.

-HE LAUGHS

0:44:530:44:55

I'm excited, but I'm really worried I'm going to cry.

0:44:550:44:58

Oh, my God, don't. No.

0:44:580:45:00

How many times have you done this, do you think?

0:45:000:45:02

-Oh, wow, in schools? Hundreds. Hundreds and hundreds.

-Really?

0:45:020:45:06

I'm not going to lie - both Paris and I are petrified.

0:45:060:45:10

This is the first time I've been inside a school, I think, since I

0:45:100:45:13

left, and I try, like, to not think about, like, young me very much,

0:45:130:45:16

-cos it makes me sad.

-Yes.

0:45:160:45:18

And then when you're around just, like, loads of young people,

0:45:180:45:21

reminds me of when I was young.

0:45:210:45:24

-Olly is going to introduce a bit of a game.

-Anagram game. So,

0:45:240:45:27

it's going to be some words on this side that are jumbled up, and I want

0:45:270:45:30

you to rearrange them into words they actually are meant to be.

0:45:300:45:33

-Lesbian.

-Shout out. Lesbian?

0:45:330:45:35

-CLASS:

-Lesbian. Gay. Bisexual. Transgender.

-Woo!

0:45:350:45:38

-Very good. That was very quick. Yeah.

-We're very impressed.

-OK.

0:45:380:45:42

What do we think might be the key issues that somebody who

0:45:420:45:46

identifies as LGBT would be dealing with

0:45:460:45:49

if they were in school with you guys?

0:45:490:45:52

Yeah.

0:45:520:45:53

-Bullying.

-What kind of bullying might that be?

0:45:530:45:56

"Stay away from me, I don't want to be friends with you."

0:45:560:45:58

-So, rejection?

-Yeah.

0:45:580:46:01

They'll feel bad about themselves, like, for, like,

0:46:010:46:04

-being gay or lesbian.

-Low self-esteem?

-Low self-esteem, yeah.

0:46:040:46:07

-Would you say ostracised?

-Yeah, that's a really good word, yes.

0:46:070:46:10

I think, because, like, sometimes people aren't comfortable coming out

0:46:100:46:13

to their parents and they...their parents might judge them, they think

0:46:130:46:17

other people might be worse and, like, act differently towards them.

0:46:170:46:22

-Excellent.

-I don't think this board's big enough, actually.

0:46:220:46:25

Let's give Olly a big round of applause.

0:46:250:46:27

Thank you.

0:46:270:46:29

Yeah, so, my name's Olly.

0:46:290:46:31

Hello, it's very nice to meet all of you.

0:46:310:46:33

I was going to tell you a little bit about my story,

0:46:330:46:36

my time at school. You know,

0:46:360:46:38

people would say to me that the things that I did were gay,

0:46:380:46:41

or the clothes that I wore were gay. And they meant it in a negative way.

0:46:410:46:44

And they told me to stop being gay.

0:46:440:46:46

"Stop behaving gay." That I was a poof or a fag, you know,

0:46:460:46:49

or they'd make fun of me or they'd push me around in the playground.

0:46:490:46:52

And...I was really terrified that I might actually be gay.

0:46:520:46:57

Like, maybe they were right,

0:46:570:46:59

like the things they were saying to me might be true.

0:46:590:47:02

But I didn't want to admit it, like,

0:47:020:47:04

because I thought being gay was a bad thing.

0:47:040:47:05

I felt ashamed. I think the words we use are so important.

0:47:050:47:09

We can't forget that.

0:47:090:47:11

I really hope you've got some questions,

0:47:110:47:13

and you're going to write them down on a post-it note.

0:47:130:47:16

Now it's time to see if we got them thinking.

0:47:160:47:18

"Did you ever use the word gay in a negative way yourself, to fit in?"

0:47:240:47:28

-Olly.

-Erm... I think I probably did, you know?

0:47:280:47:31

Yeah. The pressure to fit in is really big, isn't it?

0:47:310:47:34

"Did you get help from your school, Paris?"

0:47:340:47:37

No, and it's a really good question.

0:47:370:47:39

More kids are being supported in schools now,

0:47:390:47:41

and I think that's a really good thing.

0:47:410:47:43

With the support of their school and their family,

0:47:430:47:46

they are much more likely to be happy, healthy

0:47:460:47:49

and not have problems.

0:47:490:47:51

"How can I help my friend with coming out?"

0:47:510:47:54

Supporting your friends...a friend who wants to come out is all about

0:47:540:47:57

just, you know, being respectful of how they feel.

0:47:570:47:59

And if you do see abuse or your friend suffering,

0:47:590:48:03

you're ready to step in and help in some way,

0:48:030:48:05

even if it's just being there for them.

0:48:050:48:07

I wish I went to this school.

0:48:110:48:12

I wish I'd gone to this school, too.

0:48:140:48:16

We've done research which shows that two years, three years down the

0:48:170:48:21

line, they still remember the facts of the stories of the role models

0:48:210:48:24

-that came in.

-Yeah.

-So your stories kind of will seep in.

0:48:240:48:27

-People remember stories, yeah.

-Yeah, they do.

0:48:270:48:30

I mean, I just keep thinking, if this had happened in my school, I

0:48:300:48:32

-just... It blows my mind that it can happen in this environment.

-Yeah.

0:48:320:48:35

It works, too.

0:48:350:48:37

On average, in all the schools Diversity Role Models have worked in

0:48:370:48:41

over the last two years,

0:48:410:48:43

over 40% of students said they use homophobic or transphobic language

0:48:430:48:47

before the session, and only 15% would after.

0:48:470:48:51

It's great what they're doing, but why should a charity be doing this?

0:48:510:48:55

Shouldn't schools be addressing this anyway as part of the curriculum?

0:48:550:48:59

Without a shadow of a doubt,

0:48:590:49:01

it would have made such a difference if I'd had LGBT-inclusive

0:49:010:49:04

sex-and-relationship education.

0:49:040:49:06

It would have helped me in so many ways,

0:49:060:49:08

and it would have helped other queer kids,

0:49:080:49:10

but also it would have helped the kids that weren't queer,

0:49:100:49:13

that were straight. Like, everybody benefits from this kind of

0:49:130:49:16

sex-and-relationship education.

0:49:160:49:18

I'm learning more and more the benefits of how good it feels to

0:49:220:49:26

talk about stuff, and also being honest with yourself about how

0:49:260:49:29

you're feeling, something I fear Sean hasn't entirely been doing.

0:49:290:49:33

We were meant to meet up a couple of weeks ago,

0:49:340:49:36

but he had to reschedule because he was having a lot of anxiety and

0:49:360:49:40

panic attacks and things.

0:49:400:49:42

So I think he's going through a really tough time at the moment.

0:49:420:49:46

I'm hoping he feels he can talk to me about what's been going on.

0:49:480:49:51

-How you doing?

-Oh, good.

-Yeah?

-Good. Hanging in there.

0:49:530:49:57

I am what we call in recovery, lapsing, um...

0:49:570:50:01

..and I lapsed into doing drugs again.

0:50:020:50:06

Um... I came home from work, it was a bad day of work,

0:50:060:50:10

I just really wanted to just do nothing.

0:50:100:50:13

And I got a text from someone I previously did drugs with.

0:50:140:50:18

Because I was so down on myself and my self-worth,

0:50:180:50:21

before I knew it the voice in my head wanting to go and do drugs...

0:50:210:50:26

It made my heart really beat out of my chest.

0:50:260:50:30

I was thinking...

0:50:300:50:31

.."Finally I'm going to get some.

0:50:330:50:35

"Finally I'm going to get what I want.

0:50:350:50:37

"Finally I'm going to go back to what I felt was normal."

0:50:370:50:42

It's clear Sean is still in the midst of some very tough times,

0:50:420:50:45

but he seems so together.

0:50:450:50:47

Putting on a brave face is something I do, too.

0:50:480:50:51

-So you know when we met last time...

-Yeah?

-..and talking about kind of...

0:50:510:50:57

..glossing over things or making things sound like everything's

0:50:580:51:01

-fine, and you were saying stuff to me like...

-Yeah.

0:51:010:51:03

.."I was drugged and raped and this happened and this happened but,

0:51:030:51:07

"you know, it was a real positive experience and here I am now." and,

0:51:070:51:10

like... It just sounded like it was so hard for you.

0:51:100:51:12

And I felt like you weren't acknowledging that.

0:51:120:51:14

Yeah. I don't like the memory of it...

0:51:140:51:17

-Yeah.

-..but at the same time I do think about it.

0:51:170:51:20

I think about it a lot.

0:51:200:51:22

The moments that I talk about

0:51:240:51:26

anything personal,

0:51:260:51:29

I always put on a smile because I don't like anyone thinking that I'm

0:51:290:51:33

-weak...

-Yeah.

-..or vulnerable or...

0:51:330:51:37

things that make me look like I'm damaged goods.

0:51:370:51:40

And those moments, especially that moment of

0:51:400:51:45

me getting raped, it was...

0:51:450:51:47

I don't know what to say, it was...

0:51:490:51:52

..a difficult time, because I still blame myself.

0:51:540:51:57

Why? Why do you blame yourself?

0:51:570:51:59

I guess it's the bad habit of beating myself up.

0:52:010:52:04

-Yeah.

-Trying to see what

-I

-did wrong.

0:52:040:52:06

Instead of seeking help to try and go, "OK, you went through this,

0:52:060:52:10

"let's move on from that," I really just pushed it down,

0:52:100:52:13

hence why I'm always smiling and always giving this...

0:52:130:52:18

"I'm fine" persona.

0:52:180:52:20

I don't know, it's like some of the stuff that he was saying, like...

0:52:210:52:24

Hearing it is quite hard because, you know, he was saying, like, he

0:52:240:52:27

still blames himself for being raped. Like, what the fuck?! Like...

0:52:270:52:31

You know, that's really... Oh!

0:52:330:52:35

It's just, people shouldn't have to feel like that. God!

0:52:390:52:42

Oh... HE WEEPS

0:52:420:52:45

Yeah, it's just... It's horrible.

0:52:460:52:48

It does really hit close to home because...

0:52:500:52:53

You know, it's like...

0:52:540:52:56

I feel like it's just something...

0:52:590:53:00

..that me and my friends have had experience with.

0:53:020:53:07

I've had friends that aren't here any more because...

0:53:070:53:10

You know? And it's like...

0:53:100:53:13

If one more person goes that way, it's like...

0:53:130:53:16

I can't...

0:53:160:53:18

Like, it's not right!

0:53:190:53:21

Guys that are maybe doing too much drugs and...

0:53:220:53:25

It's just scary how it can be, like,

0:53:260:53:29

one step away from those people being lost to us, you know?

0:53:290:53:31

I don't want that to happen to Sean!

0:53:310:53:33

I really don't.

0:53:330:53:35

We're losing too many gay men to drugs.

0:53:430:53:46

A recent report by Imperial College claims someone dies every 12 days in

0:53:460:53:51

London, just from the chemsex drug G,

0:53:510:53:55

and drug use generally within the LGBT community is thought to be

0:53:550:53:58

seven times higher than the general population.

0:53:580:54:01

I think lots of this is down to self-worth.

0:54:020:54:04

Following his lapse, I'm so pleased that Sean is seeking further help

0:54:080:54:12

from the drugs programme he was on.

0:54:120:54:14

Antidote is the UK's only LGBT-specific drug and alcohol

0:54:140:54:18

service, and is based at London Friend.

0:54:180:54:21

-All right.

-All right.

0:54:230:54:26

I'm just very grateful to Sean for letting me hear about his story.

0:54:280:54:31

All our stories are connected, you know? And it's...

0:54:330:54:35

We can all relate to that, and I...

0:54:350:54:38

I still do it, you know?

0:54:390:54:41

I still put on a...

0:54:410:54:43

put on a smile cos... You know?

0:54:430:54:46

I think being honest with ourselves about the wounds that we've been

0:54:460:54:49

dealt and the scars that we have is part of the process, you know?

0:54:490:54:53

Today my band, Years & Years,

0:55:010:55:03

are headlining the Mighty Hoopla Festival in London.

0:55:030:55:06

Mighty Hoopla is a festival, kind of organised by the Sink the Pink crew,

0:55:060:55:12

who are a queer kind of collective.

0:55:120:55:15

Are you ready for our next act?!

0:55:150:55:17

It should be a really queer event.

0:55:170:55:20

Lots of LGBT people.

0:55:200:55:22

CROWD SINGS

0:55:230:55:27

I don't actually know where I'm going. LAUGHTER

0:55:320:55:35

I think I need to get into a car.

0:55:350:55:37

When I look back at myself ten years ago,

0:55:410:55:43

the main difference is now I know how to take care of my own mental

0:55:430:55:46

health. Like, I have the tools available to me, so if something

0:55:460:55:50

comes up, I can be like, "Pow!" You know?

0:55:500:55:53

-Knock that back.

-There's a little gap here.

0:55:530:55:55

-Do you want me to get that?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-LAUGHTER

0:55:550:55:58

-Well, this is a first.

-Are you wearing a jockstrap?

-Yes! LAUGHTER

0:55:580:56:03

-Yes, dear!

-Do you like it?

0:56:030:56:05

-Yes.

-I had this bright idea that I would like to be

0:56:050:56:10

just in my gold underwear, covered in gold glitter,

0:56:100:56:13

so that's what...that's what's happening right now.

0:56:130:56:16

I'm being covered in gold glitter. Just, I have these ideas and then...

0:56:160:56:19

Getting stuck in.

0:56:190:56:21

Everyone thought I was joking, but I wasn't.

0:56:210:56:25

-How you doing, Mikey?

-Yeah, I'm good. I'm good.

0:56:250:56:28

-I'm just wearing normal clothes, looking normal.

-LAUGHTER

0:56:280:56:31

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God!

-LAUGHTER

0:56:310:56:34

I think we have a real opportunity here to help

0:56:410:56:44

younger generations and the ones that come after them.

0:56:440:56:47

CHEERING

0:56:470:56:51

If it's a choice between kids having low self-esteem, damaged,

0:56:510:56:54

feeling undeserving of love, ashamed, versus

0:56:540:56:59

encouragement and positivity for them to live their authentic selves

0:56:590:57:02

and be who they are, we have to do

0:57:020:57:05

everything we can to make sure that happens.

0:57:050:57:07

-We just need to reverse.

-So, what do you do?

-OLLY LAUGHS

0:57:070:57:10

Then it becomes unquestioned and normal that we have inclusive LGBT

0:57:100:57:14

sex-and-relationship education, it becomes normal that parents know how

0:57:140:57:17

to talk to their kids about their sexuality, and then we can try and

0:57:170:57:20

stop what's...the suffering and pain that's happening.

0:57:200:57:22

I think it is really hard not to let how you grew up,

0:57:260:57:30

growing up gay in a straight world,

0:57:300:57:33

affect you.

0:57:330:57:35

My journey has been...

0:57:350:57:37

..really trying to reconcile everything

0:57:390:57:41

that happened to me growing up and, you know,

0:57:410:57:45

now I do things that I never dreamed I would do.

0:57:450:57:47

I've gone on stage in, you know, crazy outfits.

0:57:470:57:51

I'm really out to everybody.

0:57:510:57:55

And I

0:57:550:57:56

get to spread a message in front of thousands of people.

0:57:560:58:01

The queer community inspires me every day.

0:58:010:58:03

We are a very, very diverse community, but I think one thing

0:58:030:58:06

that we can have in common is the love and support for each other.

0:58:060:58:11

So... CHEERING

0:58:110:58:14

And one thing that I've learned recently is, like,

0:58:140:58:17

how hard we all find it to talk -

0:58:170:58:19

like, really, really to talk.

0:58:190:58:21

You need to take some time to actually listen to somebody,

0:58:210:58:24

because it can make such a difference.

0:58:240:58:26

So this tent loves you, like, no matter what sexuality, gender,

0:58:260:58:30

what your body looks like, what you look like, whether you're femme,

0:58:300:58:33

whether you're masc, whether you're young or old.

0:58:330:58:35

Like, we look out for each other! CHEERING

0:58:350:58:39

OK.

0:58:390:58:40

# Don't you remember how I used to like being on the line... #

0:58:420:58:47

You deserve to have a happy life.

0:58:480:58:51

Never think that you shouldn't have love or you shouldn't be entitled to

0:58:510:58:56

a happy family or whatever you want.

0:58:560:58:59

You deserve to have them.

0:58:590:59:00

Young LGBT people are, like, the strongest, bravest,

0:59:000:59:03

most inspiring people I know.

0:59:030:59:05

# All that I compromised to feel another high

0:59:050:59:09

# I've gotta keep it down tonight

0:59:090:59:13

# And oh-oh-oh, I was a king under your control

0:59:130:59:19

# And oh-oh-oh, I want to feel like you've let me go

0:59:220:59:28

# So let me go. #

0:59:280:59:30

Merci beaucoup, goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:59:470:59:53

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