Putting Manners on... Us

They say manners maketh man.

Don't, no, that's very negative body language, remember?

HE SNORTS

Why would you do that? Why?

Hello. Are you serious?

-Serious?

-Deathly serious.

-Hard as you can.

-And good manners cost nothing.

How dare you? Please could I have the ball?

But in our modern world,

is there still a place for old-fashioned etiquette?

Do you know what a viscount is?

It's a restaurant in Dungannon.

Have we forgotten the rules and can we relearn them?

Elbow.

Manners are the social glue that keeps us together as a society.

As long as humans walk the earth,

manners will always be important and needed.

And I won't hear anyone who says otherwise.

William Hanson is one of the UK's leading etiquette experts.

He travels the world teaching proper manners to businesses,

embassies and high commissions.

From an early age, he's had a fetish for the finer things in life.

That would be a two-button suit.

-Yes, two buttons.

-Two-button?

-Yes, I toyed once with a three-button suit.

-They were dark years.

-Yeah!

He wants to make the world a better mannered place.

And this time round he's over here on a special mission.

I'm Jake O'Kane and, where I come from, putting manners on someone has

a whole different meaning.

So I'm not convinced the manners William teaches really have a place

in today's world.

Oh, let's meet for tea, let's have a cup of tea.

First up, afternoon tea.

Like that's something we do every day!

I don't even know what half this stuff is.

Hello. You must be Jake.

-William.

-Very lovely to meet you.

And you, sir. And wouldn't you know,

I've been drinking tea the wrong way all my life.

Finish your mouthful before you take a cup of...sip of tea.

-Seriously?

-Yeah, and don't talk with your mouth open.

Mastication is pretty awful.

I don't want to see it.

I thought you were going to say something else there!

I've got to tell you. I thought you were going to say something else.

Sit up straight, shoulders back, show off that waistcoat.

Oh, this is relaxed(!) There's a way to stir?

There is a way to stir our tea. Let's see what you do.

-Rou... No.

-No?

Moving just the fingers, not the wrist.

6, 12, 6, 12, 6, 12, back and...

Do...

JAKE CHUCKLES

I'm coming back.

-I'll be with you.

-This is my life's work.

-Right.

-6, 12, 6, 12, 6...

While William may have dedicated his life to teaching the Ps and Qs of

polite behaviour...

-After you, please.

-Thank you very much.

-I thought we did that beautifully.

-I thought we did that beautifully.

..I think there are things he can learn from us, the N and I of manners.

Northern Irish style.

I should have my yellow gloves on me so I could wave.

I'm taking the professor of politeness on a whirlwind tour of how we do

things over here. I want to show him the old ways are dead

and our new way of getting on, well, works just fine.

So, this is a black taxi, Belfast style.

-Right.

-And...

-Well, we have these in London.

-You do.

This is what makes taxis different.

We're trying to teach William the differences of Northern Ireland to

the rest of the UK. We share taxis.

We share... William doesn't have taxis like this.

-Oh, no, the English, they have this as private.

-Yeah?

SHE LAUGHS

-Hello.

-Hiya.

-Oh, I hope I get this chap.

-Hello.

-What's the craic?

I'm William.

-What's he doing?

-He's getting out.

Take care.

-Goodbye.

-See you.

-Keep in touch.

-It's a whole new world in West Belfast.

-Where were you?

-Out all night drinking.

-Out all night drinking?

-You mean you haven't gone to bed?

-No.

It's like being in a nightclub.

-It's fun.

-And there's an etiquette for confined space in England.

I mean, we wouldn't, we probably wouldn't look at each other.

We'd maybe smile, like, a half smile as you came in.

I have known relationships start in black taxis.

Fellas get in and girl's been there, "What's your number?

-"What's your name?"

-They'll be married with children now.

See, William's surprised that we're so open.

No, we all talk to each other. And do you know something?

You sit in a taxi and you sit and talk away.

Many conversations I've had with absolute...people I don't

-know.

-Unless you were in a bad mood.

Aye, in a bad mood you wouldn't.

How would I know if you're in a bad mood, though?

I just won't talk to you.

-Right.

-'That told him!'

Next stop in the manners tour,

a place better suited to his Highness of Mannersville.

The headquarters of the Royal Antediluvian Order of Buffaloes in Belfast.

I know, who knew?

Check!

And the unashamed royalist William is going to be right at home here.

Hello, would you mind if we interrupted?

-I'm William.

-We are trying to find out,

has manners changed over the years?

I was brought up that you had to respect your elders

and you didn't talk down to them,

even if you were blatantly wrong or something.

Carol, tell us, what manners do you think are lacking today?

Especially "please" and "thank you".

And I think as much as younger people don't do it,

a lot of older people don't do it.

-Yes.

-Teach them manners and make sure that they have a good education,

no matter how poor you are or how little you have.

This is fixed. This is fixed! LAUGHTER

You see, oh ye of little faith.

He didn't... He thought I was a stick in the mud and that no-one else would

agree with me. Does anyone actually disagree with me and think that

actually manners aren't relevant?

Anyone? No.

-Exactly.

-Manners are.

Yes, other than Jake O'Kane.

Other than him.

Of course they're going to agree, they're from the same era as William.

But I'm convinced his ways would never work with a family today.

And, so, introducing his challenge -

a real live family.

This is the Brimages. There's Dad, Davey, there's Mum, Sharon,

they've three boys - Mark, who's 16, Jonathan's 14 and Adam is 12.

Well, manners would be important to us because, in the house, well,

it's all about respect and it's respecting us as their parents.

Do you know, in the busyness of life, you kind of,

just for an easy life you brush over them instead of, you know,

following through. So we need help to, you know, introduce...

-Routines.

-..discipline and routines.

Mornings are a problem with the Brimages.

-Right.

-Dad's away to work,

so it's all left to Mother to get them out of bed.

Not an easy thing.

-No.

-I've collected evidence as to their behaviour in their natural

surroundings.

Right, boys. Time to get up for school.

Adam? Time to get up.

She's not very forceful.

No, she's a nice lady.

You'd have no idea of what time it is...

-No.

-You'd hardly know what day it is.

It's been ten minutes.

Let's see what's happening.

Nearly there, Adam.

Johnny, I'm going to pull the quilt back if you don't hurry up and waken

-up.

-Get me my shirt, please.

Your shirt's sitting over here where you left it.

A lot of whining. It's like he's dying.

Having a wash before you get dressed?

Jonathan, it's quarter to nine.

Put the shirt on and got back into bed.

Well, it's going to need a good iron now.

-Come on!

-I'm coming.

You're not, but!

I never struggled to get out of bed in the morning at this age.

Not everyone is like you, William.

Bed not made.

Dirty washing lying on the floor.

Why is he on his phone? Socks don't match either.

Mmm, the joys.

Well, mornings are a complete disaster.

Mornings are difficult. I wouldn't say that's that unusual.

No, seriously, that was... That's quite mild.

The middle one's going to be trouble. I think you're going to

-have trouble the middle one.

-Yes, I think he was...

-Spirit, he's got spirit.

Always be wary of someone with mismatched socks.

That's what I always say.

This is mealtime.

Now, you like setting tables.

I love it. I love a set table.

That's one thing you enjoy and this, I think, you will enjoy.

OK.

What on earth is going on?

Your cutlery. Are you not getting excited?

Johnny, just don't leave them lying in a pile, son.

She just doesn't care.

Look!

That's not bad. He's got them on the table.

It's like Picasso does table settings.

Da, dinner!

Yous are peeling spuds tonight.

Oh! Golly, no, stop, stop.

What is that? What is that?

That's your potatoes. That's the staple diet of Northern Ireland.

And why is it being served on the table?

Because you can reach over and grab one and put it on your plate.

Two nights ago, I did gratin pomme dauphinois and I put it in

a lovely Le Creuset little earthwear dish.

That's French to me.

William, no harm to you, what is that?

Well, gratin pomme dauphinois is French, so just as well.

-There you go.

-Oh!

-Your meat.

A double whammy of awfulness.

You've got everything you need!

How can you expect children to be well mannered if you are not giving

them the environment to be well mannered?

If parents are trying to set a bar for their children,

we've also got to set a bar for the parents.

And then both can work in harmony and we can become a lot more civil

and courteous and well mannered.

So, for William, a well-mannered family starts with the parents

setting rules and the children sticking to them.

I'm going to look forward to you saying that.

No, I think it is going to be easy.

-You have now entered...

-County Tyrone.

You are now in County Tyrone.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

-Straight down here...

-Right.

No, I think we were supposed to go down there but, don't worry,

let's have an explore.

Make a right.

Here? No.

-Apparently...

-William!

-Well, look...

-William.

-You said no.

-Keep going.

-Be more firm.

Just say, "Next left."

-Don't be so polite.

-We're on Princess Avenue.

How appropriate's that?!

Careful.

Oh, there we go, William.

Drop me at the front door, I think.

I've just thought of something.

How am I going to get home?

-I've no GPS.

-Bye!

Ding Dong! 1950s-style manners calling.

This will be fun.

-Hello, William.

-Hello. Very lovely to meet you.

-You too.

-I'm Johnny.

-Hello, I'm Adam.

-Hello, Adam.

-I'm Mark.

-Hello, Mark. Thank you very much for having me.

Welcome.

Look at that. Impeccable manners.

Come on ahead. In through to the kitchen.

And like any good host,

Sharon is quick to offer a cup of tea to her guest.

Sharon, could I be a complete frightful bore here?

Is there any chance, as lovely as that mug is,

I could have a cup and saucer, please?

I've just got a real hang-up about mugs.

Do you know what?

Do you not find that a bit rude, coming into somebody's house and asking,

like, for a cup and saucer if they're offering you your tea in a mug?

In their best china mug, I might add.

Yes, and if we weren't on... If we weren't on the terms that we were

on, I would have said nothing.

Might be a bit dusty, they haven't been used in a while.

That's all right.

-Beautiful.

-That's OK. I'll make it in the cup and saucer for you.

-Thank you, that's so kind of you, Sharon.

-You're welcome,

-you're welcome.

-I owe you.

-Uh-huh, you certainly do.

Oh-ho!

Taking on a Tyrone mummy - he's going to regret that!

Anyway, time for tea.

-Do you put your pinky out when you're drinking?

-No. No, no, no.

-Oh, shock horror!

-No, you always tuck it in.

Do you know where that came from?

-Where?

-So, I'm going to shock you now, so just bear with me.

In France, prerevolution...

Yes.

..a lot of the French aristocracy were fairly promiscuous.

-OK.

-And so when they were having tea,

if you put your little finger out like so,

it was to show that you had a sexually-transmitted infection, so...

-Oh!

-I know, "Please don't sleep with me."

So sorry about that. But please don't.

I'll step away from you.

-Get the Dettol.

-Seriously?

-Etiquette's a learning curve, isn't it?

-It really is.

From tea drinking to beer drinking...

This is the hipsters.

We're in our natural home here.

I have a lesson for William, in the manners of the pub.

The etiquette of buying your round,

Northern Irish style.

I believe that alcohol plays quite a key part in Northern Irish culture,

is that a fair assessment?

Well, it is a Northern Irish culture.

-Guinness.

-Guinness.

-Have you ever tried Guinness?

-Now, I put Guinness in the Christmas puddings.

You can't come to Belfast and leave without at least trying.

-Just a little bit.

-A little - a half pint, not even a pint, just a half pint.

Watch, no, watch it happen. That's magic.

See what you're watching there, that's magic.

The English, yous aren't good at rounds,

yous don't understand rounds.

-I buy you a drink.

-OK, thank you very much.

You're welcome. You don't leave.

You then buy me a drink.

And then I buy you a drink and then you buy me a drink.

-We'd both go on all evening.

-Exactly, William!

That's what it's all about. That's what we do it for.

Well, say there's ten people and someone buys a drink.

You're there for ten drinks.

-Ten of those?

-No, ten serious drinks.

Ten pints, that's a half pint cos you're English.

-20 of those?

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh!

Not with your finger out, William.

Get it in ye.

JAKE CHUCKLES

A bit messy.

-It's delicious.

-That's national heritage stuff you're talking about there.

Stout is what we've given the world.

I think we might want to give it back.

Can we have a napkin?

Would it make any difference if we put it in a different class?

-Cheers.

-To your very good health.

Tally ho.

Hmm.

-Better in a wine glass.

-Growing on you.

I still don't love it.

It's no Creme De Menthe Frappe.

But you enjoy the flavour more in a more delicate rim.

Well, let's have a round of Creme De Menthe Frappe, whatever they are.

Having seen young Johnny's attempts at setting the table...

..William is keen to show the wannabe knife thrower the error of his ways.

-Johnny?

-This room.

-Ah, right.

Now, would you like to learn how to set a table properly?

-Yeah.

-He's ecstatic at the notion.

First of all, before you have put any piece of cutlery there,

you put your plate and the plate is obviously in line with the middle of the chair.

Just ever so slightly back.

Imagine a finger there. OK?

Just put the sharp edge facing inwards to show that we were civilised and

you weren't using it as a weapon.

Do you know you get a little plate here? And that's your bread plate?

-Yeah.

-So that goes on the left and the glass goes on the right.

So you're going to have a go at setting this.

And later on, in a few days' time,

you're going to teach your brothers how to do this, OK?

And try and have a big smile on your face when you're doing this, Johnny.

This is the best thing you've done all day.

This one, there's a nice pattern on that one, Johnny, so, yeah,

have the pattern facing the diner.

A picture-perfect setting.

Well done, Johnny.

Oh, are you going to share that on Facebook?

-No.

-No.

-'Of course.'

-That's a shame.

-'Not.'

Boys!

What?

Dinner!

Ah, the familiar call to dine, heard all over the country.

Now, Mark, your elbows on the table.

You're going to start first, Sharon, as you are the lady of the house,

or I'm going to serve you, actually.

And these containers, the foil containers, are they your own?

-No.

-No, no.

But I suppose if you were doing this, if this was a home-made one,

you would put it in a nice thing?

-Yes, I would.

-Which is fine and, for family style, that's fine.

That's not what he was saying earlier.

I reckon William is a bit scared of Sharon.

And we would wait for everybody to have food on their plate before we

-began.

-I was thinking that.

At this table, you snooze, you lose.

Right. Well, we don't just dive straight in.

They normally do.

Not any more.

-So, Mother, you may begin.

-Thank you.

And, chaps, this is true in social etiquette even if it wasn't your mother,

if this was a lady...

Elbow. ..is that you would just wait just a few beats for a lady to start

and then you would...you would begin.

Begin? They'd be half finished by now if you'd let them.

Manners maketh the dinner cold.

Er... No, you're going to wait for everyone to finish

and then you're going to say, "Would anybody like any more?"

-Oh, right.

-And you serve everybody else

and then you serve yourself.

-Oh.

-So, good manners...

-Oh, Johnny.

-..are all about other people.

That's the key. They are selfless, not selfish.

Would you like any more, William?

I'm fine, thank you very much, Johnny. Thank you for asking.

-That's OK.

-Would YOU like any more?

Probably.

Go on. Knock yourself out.

Dinner over and William has a plan to buy Sharon some respect and help

about the house.

Now, you'd normally do the dishwasher,

so I would like you and Mark,

so you're going to show Mark how we're going to stack the dishwasher, OK?

Everybody else...

'He might just be about to push them over the edge here.'

Mark, it'll not bite you, son.

You know, you could put a bit of oomph into it.

See, this, like, this is why I do it myself, William.

I know. But ultimately, now Mark knows what to do,

tomorrow you don't need to stand there and help.

That's probably why I've never put it in,

cos it's just quicker for me to do it and then I get sitting down quicker.

But then we can't complain that they don't help.

-Yeah, OK.

-I've giving you...

what I would do, OK?

I'm not saying my word is gospel.

It's close to it, but it isn't gospel.

-OK.

-So it's up to you now to adapt this to your lifestyle.

We'll give it a go.

Don't sound so excited(!)

Winning hearts and minds in Cookstown for sure.

Go, go, go.

Next in William's manners mission, a friendly match...

in Portadown.

-Who's moving?

-Thomas!

Thomas!

I used to serve the cricket teas at school.

Really?

He's about to find out there's no room for friendliness

on a hurling pitch.

Does anyone get hurt?

You could get injured in any sport. You could get injured playing

-tiddlywinks - you could get one in the eye really.

-I know, well,

I had a friend that got injured on tiddlywinks actually.

I play croquet. Have you ever played croquet?

It's not a very contact sport, is it, no?

No, but why does it need to be a contact sport?

It adds to the excitement of it, does it not, no?

Moving like a gazelle, with three legs,

welcome the latest recruit to the ancient sport of hurling.

I look good, don't I?

-Terrific, yeah.

-Can I play with the gloves?

If you must.

OK.

Gloves on, match ready.

I don't know what team I'm on.

Oh, sugar! Oh!

-Don't hit me!

-William!

Hard as you can.

How dare you.

Please could I have the ball?

WHISTLE BLOWS

You enjoy it?

No.

HE LAUGHS

That proves sometimes good manners won't get you anywhere.

Let's never do that again.

Back in Tyrone, and William's next stop is with Dad Davey at the quarry

where he works.

THEY CHAT

-Hi, Davey.

-Hello, William.

-Hello, nice to see you.

-All right, you too.

-I'm fine.

-Hello, I'm William.

-Hello.

Oh, this isn't awkward at all(!)

How do you do?

Quickly winning new friends.

He's just like one of the lads.

Now, I noticed with your tea you weren't actually picking it up with

the handle, you were just holding the mug.

Is that to warm your hands?

That's exactly what that's for, yeah.

-Right.

-So, William, do I lift it right? This.

Yes, that's good.

-That's very posh.

-Very nice.

Yes, it's like sitting here with the Duke of Edinburgh.

You think there would be much need for quarry etiquette, quarrequette?

Quarrequette? He's making this up now.

Most quarry operatives and people associated with quarries would be

quite thick in the skin.

If you like someone,

you're actually quite rude to them and you insult them,

whereas if you don't like them or you're not that keen,

you're perfectly charming?

We would call that a bit of slagging over here.

-Slagging?

-Yeah.

So if you said something slaggy to Davey, would you be a slag?

No.

That's something different, is it?

-Yeah.

-OK, right, bit perplexing.

Because I'm quite nice to my friends.

Generally. It's how it works.

He's missing the point.

Time for a lesson in the art of sleggin'.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

I'm William. How do you do?

Shall we try slagging each other?

-No, please don't.

-Why not?

-Just please don't.

She's going to be much better at it than he...

-No, please don't.

-Go on, slag me.

-No, I can't.

This is the thing. She can't because she doesn't know you.

Slagging, we know something about the person that's maybe slightly

embarrassing that they would not want other people to know,

so we'll be in a taxi full of strangers and then we'll hit them with that.

And then they have nowhere to go but...

So we might talk, if you had haemorrhoids...

Absolutely, that would be it good one.

If you had haemorrhoids... "Are you sitting there right?"

He should have brought a cushion.

Actually, if you slagged me,

I should take that as a compliment?

-Absolutely.

-Yeah.

-So how would you slag me?

I've got a very thick skin.

-I write for the Daily Mail.

-I saw the way you looked at him!

Go!

-As camp as Christmas.

-"As camp as Christmas"?

Well, he did ask.

It would have been rude not to have told him.

Christmas is a jolly nice thing.

Slagging.

It's great craic.

Family mealtime sorted,

William is keen to show that a good morning starts with a good night.

OK, Johnny, Adam, your bedtime tonight is quarter to ten.

I don't mean 9:46, I mean 9:45.

OK? Set a bedtime, stick to it.

Be firm.

-OK.

-Don't bow in the wind.

He's laying down the law with the younger boys but how will he fare

with the 16-year-old and his late-night obsession?

Many's a morning when I have got up and I come up here to start and get

ready to get out and the lights would still be on.

We've had to kill the power a few times here to...

Flick the switch in the meter box.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Would you like to pause it?

Mm-hmm.

Right, it's just about quarter to, you've got three minutes.

-Turn it off.

-'Oh, matron.'

The manners expert has gone all SAS.

-Two minutes.

-Far too easy.

-I don't know what all the fuss is about!

I know, I know.

Just give it five minutes till you see, don't be so confident.

She's on the defensive. I tell you.

I'll give him a stick if he wants one.

Well, the Xbox is off.

Straightaway. Straightaway.

Sharon, don't you be sticking up for them.

Don't be telling my wee babies what to do.

Excellent. Now, where are your mobile phones?

Perfect. Right, good night, I'll see you tomorrow.

By Jove, I think he's done it.

Buoyed by his overnight success,

the posh bloke with the weird wardrobe returns to the British family...

-Good morning.

-Good morning.

-Hello.

-We're making some buttermilk scones for the breakfast.

..and there's still more manners work to be done.

His daddy taught him that.

We don't generally do that.

"By Viscount Stewart in 1869."

Do you know what a Viscount is?

It's a restaurant in Dungannon.

Is this something you do a lot?

No, not very often at all.

Just never find the time.

It's only up the road.

Although a child might say,

"No, I just want to play my Xbox,"

actually giving them an alternative, I think,

once in a while... Actually, children need to be children

sometimes and they're expending energy.

They'll hopefully be exhausted by the time they're going to bed.

And they're actually playing together without fighting.

-Yes, they're getting on very well.

-Can you believe that?

It's very refreshing. Hello.

I cut... He cut my hand.

-I broke his fingers.

-OK.

Jolly good.

But at least we set the table properly.

His work here is done.

So, William, the Brimages who you visited, have they taken on board what you taught them?

One of the big things that has been really the best for me is

taking the phones off them at nine o'clock.

Aren't you finished with that, son?

Come on, give it to me.

Right.

They now know cut off is nine o'clock, end of story.

And there is no quibbling about it, there's no arguing about it.

Because they're getting up fresh cos they haven't been on their phones

till late. So that's a big plus.

What's happening in the bedroom?

Oh! We're up, boys!

Up and getting ready.

Good boys, thank you.

I'm not saying it's tranquil, now,

but it's just running smoother and we're getting out better.

So, knife facing inwards.

Finger. And make sure your plate is on the centre of the seat.

Do you know what I like?

Do you know what I like? This is not a chore, they're doing it together,

they're enjoying it.

-That's... I think...

-You see, etiquette can be fun.

-OK.

-I have to say now for myself,

I feel really blessed that the whole thing happened,

that we got to be doing this whole thing and the experience of it.

It's important to me, trying to get the children raised as best we can.

That's what's important to me.

Positive adventure for us all.

Great family experience.

Oh, that's really lovely to hear.

Actually that makes me feel all warm inside.

-Saint William.

-Your words.

In the practical terms,

what you have done proves that manners still are important.

Of course they're important.

-I knew that.

-It must make you feel nice because you proved me wrong!

Well, obviously that's the best bit.

It makes me feel very proud, actually.

-Come on, I'll buy you a Creme De Menthe Frappe.

-OK.

# Life is sweat, yeah Sweet as honey

# Happy-go-lucky me

# Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

# Happy-go-lucky me. #