Rio Ferdinand: Being Mum and Dad

'Rio Ferdinand scores for Manchester United.'

'Britain's first £30 million player,

'and the world's most expensive defender.'

'All my life I've tried to set high standards in whatever I do.

'When I was young I wanted to be a footballer.

'I wanted to be the best footballer I could be.

'I wanted to play in big stadiums, win trophies.

'And then when I made it as a footballer,

'every year I'd set new goals.'

It was a fantastic honour to be named as England captain.

As a kid, you grow up

wanting to play for England and lead your country out.

'I think it's difficult to switch that off, even in your personal life.'

All you think about is, "What can I do to make the best life,

"the best environment for my kids and my wife?"

That's all I used to think.

-I, Rebecca...

-I, Rebecca...

-..take you, Rio...

-..take you, Rio...

-..as my friend and love.

-..as my friend and love.

I had an unbelievable life.

An amazing wife, great kids, and then...bang.

The moment Rebecca was diagnosed with cancer, that all changed.

'The wife of the former England footballer Rio Ferdinand has died

'in hospital in London...'

'At just 34, Rebecca Ellison has lost her life to cancer.'

'Ferdinand said she'd been his soul mate,

'and a wonderful mother to their three children.'

This is one of the only things in life that we're going to go through

together, where I haven't got the answers for them.

And that's quite a worrying, daunting thing.

When they don't speak, it's kind of difficult sometimes.

You're just sitting there, going, like, "What are they thinking?

"Where are they? Are they worried?

"Are they happy? Are they sad?"

I'm desperate to know, but I don't want to scare them.

I want the best-case end scenario for my kids,

and so the only way I see that happening

is for me to ask questions.

I need help. I do need help. I know that.

Morning, Tate.

Your teacher's been sending me all this stuff,

saying how brilliant you're being at school. Mummy's so proud of you,

and you're making me really, really happy, and get better and everything.

I'm moving to a new room today.

I know you're going to come and see me tomorrow,

so that means you get TWO days off school!

I love you loads and loads and loads.

Sleep in my bed if you want.

Do whatever you want. Run the house.

Just be a good boy, and use your best, best manners, all right?

-Love you, darling, see you soon.

-SHE KISSES

I think in the case of Rio and Rebecca,

what has made this so much harder for Rio is the speed

at which it all happened.

Because she passed away within less than ten weeks,

there was no time to process that.

It's more like a sudden bereavement from a terrible accident,

and that often puts a block on being able to move on

as fast as you might do if you've had time to prepare.

Those three months in hospital, before Rebecca passed away,

were incredibly difficult.

I need to kind of speak to...

somebody who I can trust, and somebody who kind of

knows the detail around that time.

And Professor Johnston's that man.

And before I speak to anybody else...

..I'd feel so much more comfortable speaking to him.

-Hi.

-How you doing? Good to see you.

-How are you?

Part of the reason I wanted to see you was to ask questions like, what was it?

It became a bit of a blur.

So if anyone asks me now, I can't actually explain what happened.

Sure. It was a very aggressive type of breast cancer.

And that carries higher risk of the cancer coming back.

Even despite the best treatments that we've got.

Then the cancer just took on another gear, and started to speed up

and grow faster. And by that time, it was causing big problems

in her liver. Which is why, towards the end,

she became as sick as she did.

It happened all too fast.

I just feel, almost like you're just betrayed by...

..the diagnosis, betrayed by the...

the illness, because you think, "Oh, it's going to come once,

"you're not going to get it again, surely."

You just feel, like,

that's just... How can you have that type of luck?

Do you know what I mean?

You just don't believe that the worst scenario can happen.

The last time she was at home she tried to kind of talk about it.

But...

I...

I just blocked it out. I wouldn't talk.

"You'll be all right, what are you talking about?

"Why are you talking about negative stuff like that?"

She'd say stuff, but then I wouldn't really engage.

I'd just close up.

Did you ever feel angry?

Yeah, you start to question loads of things.

You're sitting in the restaurant, when it's quiet in a restaurant,

and your little girl goes - looking at another family on a table -

and says, "Why haven't I got a mummy?", and stuff like that.

And you sit there and think to yourself...

That's when I get angry.

In time, has that...

..frustration of being now on your own

got a little easier?

Up until now, I kind of just...

put it in a box and just kind of leave it over there.

Because it's painful to open the box?

Yeah. I don't like sitting in my house for days.

You start thinking crazy things.

I think, I've always sat and read papers and stuff,

and seen articles about people, "Oh, he's committed suicide."

I used to think, like, "You selfish so-and-so.

"How can you do something like that?" But...

..there's times at the beginning where you think...

You kind of know how they feel.

Yeah.

But...

When I look at my three kids, I couldn't do that to them.

-Yeah.

-I'm not saying I ever sat there and thought I was going

to do it, but I sat there and thought, I understand.

I can see how you can sink into a mad place, where you just think,

"You know what, forget this."

But I've been lucky.

-Because of the family and friends that you've...?

-Yeah,

I've had so much people around me, who are tight around me.

It's a bit of... Not a relief,

but it's a little bit like when you go to the cemetery.

You get a bit emotional,

but then when you leave, you're like...

You feel a bit rejuvenated.

So, yeah.

And do you feel like that's been, perhaps, a long time coming?

That sort of conversation with someone?

Yeah, but I don't think I was really ready.

If you'd told me six months ago to at least have that conversation,

I wasn't... I would have just said no.

But I just felt there was coming a time where...

..I was running away more.

To stay away from having a conversation where you speak about Rebecca.

SPLASHING

-Whoa!

-What was that?

Seven!

-That was nice.

-What was that?

-Ten.

-What?

Ten. You looked like a salmon.

Go on, then. What are you doing, Tate?

Oh! That was a good one.

Ten.

-What is that?

-I can't do it.

Ready? Steady?

SPLASHING

'This is our holiday home.

'This is where we always kind of dreamed of, when I retire from football,

'we'd be able to come out here for the whole school holidays

'with the kids.

'Rebecca kind of set it all up, really.'

I can't rate you until you do the back dive.

What is that?! Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, do a back dive. Show Tate how to do it, please. Show him!

'She was the one who kind of made this house, really.

'And I think the kids sense that a lot.

'They know that...

'everything in it, she kind of put most of the things here,

'and they feel very comfortable here.'

Tia.

Are you ready?

-Oh, my God!

-You all right, Tate?

Yeah, I've been in here for ages.

Yeah, but Daddy's in now.

Don't you want to play with Daddy?

'Everything that we'd done and dreamed about together was for this time,

'now, when I've retired.

'Because when I played football, I was probably out of the house...

'probably over 50% of the time.'

Steady... Go!

'She had it all in her mind for when I retire.

'Then we can spend real quality time, as a family.

'At least the kids know that this is something that she wanted for them,

'do you know what I mean?'

Three, two, one...

CHEERING

'But it's great all my family get to come out here different parts of the time.

'So they get to spend time with their cousins, nans and grandads.'

I worry for him.

I worry. I've seen him cry.

I've sat and held him while we both cried at the hospital.

I saw him when she walked up the aisle and he cried.

We were all laughing because no-one had ever seen him cry before.

And the tears were just rolling down his face.

He couldn't even get his words out.

She said to me, "The only person I worry about, Mum, is you."

She said, "Rio will be a perfect mummy and daddy.

"You don't have to worry. You never have to worry.

"He will be a perfect mummy and daddy."

She said, "So don't worry about the children.

"They'll be fine. I'm not worried about them."

She said, "They'll be absolutely fine."

The first...probably ten days

was probably one of the most stressful times,

because every turn I made I was seeing her, but getting things wrong

and having to work it out.

Thinking about lunch. I never thought about lunch before in my life.

I'd never even seen the washing machine and dryer.

You end up saying to yourself, "Well, I know what you do,

"but I don't know how you work."

Finish training, get home, sit on the sofa, have a sleep.

Get the energy back into my system.

For work. That's how I used to think about it.

It wasn't my domain.

Go and do your teeth. Yes, just go and do your teeth.

Breakfast, go on, then.

'I've been very fortunate that I've had a good network around me.

'Without someone like Sandra, who is here as a constant,

'she's been with them since they were, like, born.'

Right, Dad, I've got to take that story in today.

What story? The one from holiday?

Yeah.

'And it's definitely made the process for me a lot easier,

'knowing that comfort's in my house.

'With the kids. And that they're comfortable with that person.'

I try and keep the routine as much

as Rebecca did. The way they were for breakfast,

polishing their shoes.

Stay still, Tia.

Yeah, it's just a case of keeping things going.

Trying to not remember Rebecca.

But do the similar things that Rebecca always did.

So pace-wise, who are you? If he's Ibrahimovic, who would you be?

I'd be like Ronaldo or Neymar.

No!

If that's the way I can help every one of them get through it, I'll do it.

So, yeah, I'll always be here.

As long as he needs me, I'll be here.

Dad?

-Hmm?

-My best food in school is Yorkshire puddings.

-Yorkshire puddings?

-I like the meatballs.

Ugh, I hate them.

At this point, I just ain't into seeing a therapist.

Feelings and emotions ain't something that I'm good with

kind of speaking about. I want to see people

that have kind of been through this

situation, experienced what I've experienced,

and who can give me some knowledge first-hand.

There might be situations where I sit there and go, "You know what?

"I thought that was just me. Everyone's getting this."

'In November 2012, Ben Brooks-Dutton was walking along the pavement with

'his wife and baby son when a car ran through some traffic lights

'and sped towards them.'

'Ben managed to push his son Jackson's

'pram out of its path, but it struck and killed his wife, Desreen.'

'Two months after the accident, Ben began a blog where he wrote about

'how he was dealing with his grief.'

I think I needed someone that had gone through, or was

going through the same thing as me, to say, "You know what, mate,

"it's going to be all right. And I've raised this kid,

"and he's doing all right."

So I started my blog,

the blog turned into a private group for young widowers.

Just kind of called it The Gentleman's Room, on a whim,

but it's often referred to as Fight Club, as well,

because the stuff that we talk about in there

doesn't get spoken about anywhere else.

I was diagnosed with depression about two years in.

I was struggling to get out of bed.

I was struggling to be the dad that my son needed me to be.

And then I realised that, actually, I was depressed before that,

I was just depressed in a very

active way. I got a lot of stuff done.

Like, I was able to run a marathon, write a book, do all of this stuff,

I was productive.

Grief gets you at some point.

-Hey.

-How you doing?

-How we doing?

-I'm Rio.

-Nice to meet you. David.

-How you doing, mate, you all right?

Hi, how are you?

-I brought macaroni cheese.

-Yes!

How did yous meet, then?

All of us, apart from Alistair,

have been in the group for at least three years.

My wife, Andrea, she got diagnosed five years ago on Valentine's Day.

She had 2% chance she'd survive five years,

and she made five years and a couple of months,

and it's a bonus that we knew what was coming around the corner,

-because there was...

-You can prepare, right?

Yeah.

My wife was killed the week before Christmas, 2012.

So I dropped Jamie off at nursery,

dropped Helen off at the train station, go to work,

pelican crossing, two lanes. Red light goes on.

Green man goes on. The old bloke next to her says, "Ladies first."

So she crossed the road. A guy drove straight through the red light

and knocked her off the road.

She hit the car, hit the floor,

what I know now is she caved the back of her head in,

and it destroyed her brainstem.

Went to work in the morning, killed in the afternoon.

This is like the shittest game of Top Trumps ever, though, isn't it?

-THEY LAUGH

-It's like, "How bad's your story?"

"Well, I've done this."

"Well, I've done that."

I get myself sometimes going... she'll come into my head,

and I'll just, like, try and put it in a box there.

And try and get on with something.

For the first week, when they went to bed, I'd go, like...

Really used to drink quite hard, brandy, whisky et cetera.

Because I had people around the house,

it was almost I didn't have that wake-up and have to deal with the kids on my own.

That was a bit of a buffer.

I could get away with it. Obviously,

everyone goes back to their normal days, and you go, OK,

I've got responsibilities now. I've got to start...

Put that in the cupboard somewhere, leave it alone for a bit.

I remember going to my wife's funeral

and everyone said, "Be strong, you're doing so well,

"you're doing so well."

And you think... On reflection, I thought, "I'm not.

"I'm in shock.

"And this isn't me.

"This is just something that's kicked in."

And I thought, "But what if I'm weak tomorrow? Am I a failure then?"

For me, that was the thing that troubled me.

How are you supposed to grieve like a man,

when you don't know even what it is to grieve?

Archie once said to me, "I don't want to cry, because men don't cry."

And I have definitely not held back on my emotions with him.

I don't know where he's picked that up from.

It seems to be all right to cry at football matches,

but you're not supposed to cry when your wife dies.

You know, you're meant to be strong. You're meant to man up.

And how can that be? It's, like, celebrated, really,

if you think about Gazza...

I hate to admit this, but sometimes,

I'll put a pair of Andrea's socks on,

I'll light the candles, get the girlie magazines out,

stick one of her films on and just think, "Yeah, I miss you,"

and have a cry.

And I've got a picture of her up, just above the fireplace,

and I'll talk to her, and just... yeah, just lay it all out.

When do you actually come to that point where you say, "I'm not married,"

or you change your ring finger?

For me, I didn't do that swapping the hands thing.

She's passed away, and she's no longer here, I needed to move on,

so I can use the last line in the vows, that says, "until death do us part".

We're not married any more.

But, I mean, I'm three, four years down the line now.

I am in a relationship now.

Me and Anna got together a while ago now.

But when I was saying before about having the shittest game of Top Trumps,

we had a little girl,

last year, and she died at Christmas.

-Oh, God.

-She was in intensive care for five and a half months.

And on the same day that Helen was killed,

they told us she wasn't going to make it.

One of the fellas, he lost his missus,

then he lost his kid as well.

I was just thinking, "I don't know how you carry on like that.

"I just don't know."

It just kind of brings it back to life again.

There's a lot of my life where I know I've not moved on.

And is it because of little things like my wedding ring?

Like, I don't see myself taking off my wedding ring.

And then they're saying,

that's the thing that was holding them back from moving on in life.

Do you need to do them things to kind of...

be able to breathe properly again and...

move on in your life?

Just normal press on this.

So 70K.

Let's go.

Dad?

-Hold on a sec.

-Dad, Dad, Dad.

Shh!

Great work, 90K.

Have you got your shin pads, and your gloves, and everything...

and your boots ready?

-What?

-Have you got your shin pads, gloves and boots ready?

Tate, go and get your shin pads and your boots ready, please.

-I have.

-No, you haven't, cos your shin pads weren't ready yesterday.

Go and get them ready.

And brush your teeth, both of you.

-I don't want to.

-Go and brush your teeth!

-I don't want to...

-Go and brush your teeth.

-I will.

-All right, thank you.

See, everything's a game. Go and brush your teeth,

and get your shin pads and everything ready.

-Thanks, Sandra.

-You're welcome.

See you later, Tia.

Love you. See ya.

It's not even started.

-It has.

-It starts at ten.

I thought it was 9.45.

No, you've got to be there for 9.45.

Yeah, to start at 9.45.

Right, you lot get out and go.

Have a good session.

Get out. Good angles. Well done, see?

Well played.

Yes, good boy, go.

Go!

Good boy.

When I wake up, I'm knackered.

That's why I like going to the gym.

I am tired, man. You know what I worked out the other day?

After meeting them guys?

All of them guys, to me, on the face of it, just sitting there with them,

seem like they've grieved.

I don't think I've grieved properly.

Because they all seem so, like, clear.

They've almost clinically just gone through every single aspect,

and just sorted it out.

And they've got it all bang on.

That's there, that's there, that's there.

But...

..I don't feel like I've done that yet.

I don't feel I'm anywhere near.

I've not given myself that time to sit down, and really just, like...

..flush everything out, and go through it.

I don't ever sit there and think about,

right, how am I feeling about this whole situation? I just don't.

I'm more interested in what I'm going to do next...work.

I don't sit and dwell.

And being busy helps that.

This is me. And I've got to go to work, day in, day out.

I prepared for probably five or six years for the day I retired.

So I had things in place that I could walk into.

My restaurant, my foundation, TV work.

So I had stuff that was there, that was all prepped.

Where's Nobes?

Listen, none of us knew

it would coincide with what happened to Rebecca.

But it did. So I didn't need to really think too much.

I just had to say, "This is what I want to do.

"And I want my diary to start filling up."

Try and get rid of the grey hairs, yeah?

Just the ones that are sticking longer.

I'm sure they weren't there last year.

There's more of them. More have come.

PHONE RINGS

Hiya, Sandra. It's Rio.

Are you all right?

It sounds quiet. They can't be home yet.

Have they? Who have they gone with? My mum?

I'm going on air at six o'clock, so if they come back before six o'clock,

if they can ring me, that would be good.

First time? You're joking!

I've been before with, like, work.

-Ibiza's mental.

-A bit of respite with the kids.

Yeah. You've got to have that.

It'll wear you out, quick!

I feel better when I'm working.

I feel worse if I'm not.

That's just my kind of... defence mechanism, I dunno.

I ain't in a position right now where I feel I can sit down and just

take stock, take a deep breath and just chill.

I don't want certain thoughts running round my head.

Having to think about 'em.

He's 100mph.

I think it's the only way he gets through his day.

He can't just stop.

And I think it's because when he stops, that's when he has to think

about, you know, his loss, his children's loss.

You know.

And, for me, I think that's his way of coping.

I see him looking out the window at...

You know, sitting in the chair,

and just in a daydream.

That's when I start feeling, you know, what are you thinking about?

What's going on?

I sometimes will send him a little text, and just ask him, is he OK?

I think he's scared to relax.

Because if he relaxes, then all his emotions will come out.

So, you know, he's kind of sitting strong,

but he's got to learn to let go.

I'm just going to jump.

Yes! One-nil. One-nil! Here we go.

Yes! 2-1.

-No, one-all!

-'When I met Dan at the widowed fathers' barbecue,

'what stood out for me was how he coped with losing his first wife,

'and then with his new girlfriend, they lost their baby.

'But this guy managed to remain strong for his son Jamie, still,

'after all that.'

No!

What did you go in the flowers again for?

'There is no wrong answers.

'We've just got to make do.

'Move forward. You can't just stop.

'You can't just sit and wait and watch it all go by.

'I know first-hand now, in more than one way, how short life is.

'Go and grab it by the balls and move forwards.'

Keep working at being alive, sort of thing.

All right, how are you doing? Nice to meet you.

-You too.

-Come in. Good to see you again.

Oh!

See if you can get it.

'Megs!

I was apprehensive to meet Jamie,

because I thought, "This poor guy's already lost his mum."

If it didn't work out with Dan and I then he could have lost another one.

Then, as soon as I met him, he's just...

Oh, you just can't help but fall in love with him.

He's amazing.

I'm knackered. Give me five down there, please.

-Unlucky!

-Too slow!

Too slow.

When did you feel, or have you felt, the right time

with actually speaking openly about his mum and stuff?

-We talk about his mum quite a lot.

-Yeah.

He does talk about her.

And I've always been open and honest with Jamie,

and I've always used the difficult words like "death", "killed",

that sort of stuff that people try and hide away from.

So he's always had that in his life.

Not long after I started seeing Dan, oh,

he could get you at the worst times.

-It was usually in the car, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

When you're sat forward, and he's behind you, and you can't see him.

And he'd ask questions.

So there was, like, a little bit of space between him and the question.

"My mummy's broken.

"Do you think she's ever going to be fixed?"

I was parked up outside the Co-op in tears, really trying not to.

Because he didn't understand.

And I said, "No, sweetheart."

I said, "Mummy's not coming back.

"Mummy can't be fixed."

"OK." And he'd carry on playing with his Lego.

I think that's all I ever think about, is it the right time?

Is it the right time?

How, when, where?

In...not doing something, not trying to change what's happening at home,

by not doing it, is that the right thing for your kids?

-That's the question, isn't it?

-Don't overthink, just do.

From the day it happened, up to where you are now,

you all seem like you've all grieved,

and I don't think I've ever really let myself do that,

because I've just gone straight into work.

And thrust myself into trying to be as good a dad as I can be,

and doing my work.

And combine that all to kind of keep the grief over there.

If you're throwing yourself into your work so much,

you're trying to put off the inevitable.

Which is the grieving.

I felt a little bit like that at the beginning when Scarlett died.

I could have gone two ways,

either just gone straight back to work and thrown myself into that...

but then...I just couldn't.

I just could not... I couldn't get my mind off her.

Even now. I mean, she only passed away at Christmas.

So it's still quite new...

..but I just... She consumes my mind 24/7.

Some days I'll still just sit at home and have a good cry,

look through me photos, watch the videos.

A good couple of hours, maybe.

And then, "Right, OK, I need to do the washing.

"I need to do the cleaning. I need to go and get Jay."

But I think to focus so much on work

is probably detrimental in the long run.

And I worry about that for you.

Sometimes, I look and I think...

To look at videos and that is like...

Because I've got a big cabinet with loads of...

She was organised. She had loads of stuff, like documenting birthdays,

poignant moments, and it's like...

It's so hard. It physically hurts.

It physically hurts your heart.

But then, you have a few minutes, and I think, no, come on, let's have a laugh at it.

And we look at some of the funny videos of Dad,

like, making her dance and stuff, and...

and it just makes me smile again. It makes me feel all warm.

It makes me feel a little bit closer to her again.

I feel... Sometimes I feel better for facing it.

I feel like I can get it out of my system a bit.

I think I'm running around loads, working, working, working,

and I think it's a little bit of a case of kind of running away from

confronting a lot of things.

I've just kind of fully loaded my diary

so that there ain't a day when I'm sitting in my house,

when I can just lay on my bed

and just look at the ceiling and...

..go over loads of old stuff.

That's why I suppose I'm running around so much,

doing so much things.

I don't like to sit still. I don't like to think.

I'm going to see Darren Clarke.

Obviously, he's ten years ahead of where I am.

So, he's got two boys who were similar in age to my kids

when his wife passed away.

There's a lot of parallels in what we done

in terms of our jobs in the public eye.

His was very public at the time.

And just seeing him today,

because he seems like a very happy person from the outside.

And I'd like to know is that genuine, is that true,

or is that just for the press?

-'Well done, Darren.'

-'This year's tournament will be remembered as

'Darren Clarke's Ryder Cup.

'And for yesterday's tears on the 16th green.

'His wife, Heather, died from cancer just six weeks ago.

'And his courage earned the admiration of everyone.'

I was just thinking about, on the way over on the flight, just thinking,

six weeks after your wife passed away,

how do you go and play a tournament of that magnitude? It's phenomenal.

Because three days before she passed away, she said to me,

"I want you to play in the Ryder Cup if you get picked."

On Heather's gravestone in Portrush it says,

"Don't be sad for what you've lost.

"Smile for what you had."

-That's on her gravestone.

-That's nice.

You can only really appreciate that as time goes by.

I guess you're still hurting, Rio.

That's the way it is, you know.

Do you think Rebecca's up there looking down at you

and would want to see you suffering?

She wouldn't.

Because if you're not getting on with your life,

then it's going to be even more difficult for you to help your kids get on with their lives.

That's my biggest fear, probably. I don't want anything that could destabilise my kids.

You've got to live your life, because if you don't live your life,

then you're not going to be right for your kids.

-It's a Catch-22.

-Yeah, and they miss out.

There is a life out there afterwards.

There is. There is a life.

I'm the example of that.

I didn't think I would ever be this happy again.

I honestly didn't.

-You're a young man still.

-Yeah.

Life goes on, Rio. Life has to go on.

You're here, she's not.

-I don't mean that in a bad way.

-No, I know.

I totally understand exactly what you're saying.

The best thing you can do for your kids is to let them see you smile

now and again. But not smile because you think you've got to smile,

-smile because you're smiling.

-Genuine, yeah.

And that will transfer to them, like you can't believe.

He's the first person that said, like, "Listen,

"there is a life after.

"You do find happiness at some point," do you know what I mean?

It's refreshing to hear that, in the way he's so adamant

that, "Listen, you will get to a place where you're comfortable with everything."

I think seeing Darren today has made me realise a lot more that you've

got to start thinking about yourself a little bit as well.

If I'm happy, then the kids are going to be happy.

I'll be a better dad, and the house will be a better place.

Why are you doing half a circle?

Because when you cut it out, it will be one big circle.

Hi, Dad.

I hope you're coming home right now.

I hope you're having a nice flight.

Are you on the plane yet?

Hi, Dad.

I did all my homework.

And it was easy.

I love you, bye.

The Lost Key - "Look at me, Mum," he called.

Good expression.

"Kipper wanted to go and look for the key,

"but Mum would not let him.

"It had started to rain."

That's the best you've read for ages!

Good reading. Well done. Good girl.

Come on, let's go then.

When Rebecca passed away,

almost immediately you're given leaflets for bereavement counselling

and stuff, but at that moment, it's all a blur.

The last thing you're thinking about is reaching out to speak to someone

about what's just happened. You're more concerned about your kids,

and what you're going to do next.

And right now I think I'm at a point where I'm ready to kind of listen,

and see what is out there for families that have had people pass away.

Jigsaw South East is a charity supporting children and young people

who have been bereaved.

We offer a six-week family support group,

and that's where we invite families to come and meet others in a similar

situation to give them some creative activities,

so that they can remember and talk about the person that's died.

Often, adults, when they sign up,

actually think that they're coming for their children.

But they're not, they're coming for themselves.

And actually, when they come to our groups and access support,

what they find is, it's sometimes the start of, you know,

their grieving process.

So we're able to support them with that, and more importantly,

to help them to support their children.

Coming to something like this, how do you actually word it to a kid?

Because obviously I don't want to scare them by saying the word

therapist, or therapy, or, like...

Because I think that's a big thing with my two boys, more than anything,

is that anything that sounds sad they don't want to do.

The families that come to our groups

will have been bereaved for at least six months.

And sometimes up to five years.

When they come to groups, it's when the family's ready.

So for some families, it's too soon, you know, 18 months, two years,

they're not ready, or they're not feeling resilient enough to manage

some of the activities we're doing.

I think, very often,

we have an expectation that you get over grief very quickly.

And I think all of the families that have come to our groups will say

that isn't the case. It can take years.

But I think, as a society,

we have an expectation that people will...get over it.

-And move on.

-Part of me thinks, as well,

I think they're ready, but I don't know if I am yet.

-OK.

-Yes, it's both ways.

Yeah. It's about thinking about how you would feel coming into groups.

And about how you would feel coming in and sharing.

I mean, the activities are gentle, therapeutic activities,

but it's still tough work.

It's painful. We're asking you to remember and talk about the person

that's died, so it might be right for your children,

but you might not be ready to take that step yet.

It's like, I've had this...

This filming thing has been almost like a therapy thing for me as well.

It feels like the kids, they haven't had that yet.

Do you know what I mean? This is, like, almost my step one.

I don't know if they've had their step one yet.

They've had a little bit of...

of therapy from a lady at the school,

but I think my first one, he's older,

he's a difficult one to kind of work out.

Is he the one you worry most about?

How it's impacted on him?

HE SNIFFS

I worry about all of them, but...

But I just can't get nothing out of the two boys, especially.

It's hard.

I want something to help them to be able to talk, and to be able to...

Not to give me something,

but just so I know that they're actually all right.

-Cos I don't know.

-Mm.

I want to find some other way where they can express themselves

a bit more.

Because we sit around tables like this at breakfast every morning.

-The car journey to school, the school run every morning.

-Yeah.

Taking them to different things that they do after school.

And people say, "Oh, you'll get... Them type of things, normally,

"you'll find it," but I just haven't, really, yet.

-They haven't started talking?

-No. They talk about memories.

I don't hear feelings.

I think sometimes it's hard not to have all the answers, as well.

And normally, their mum had the answers.

-To the problem. Do you know what I mean?

-Mm.

There's a lot to think about, isn't there?

There's a huge amount to think about, yeah.

I know it's all right crying, I sit up in my bed sometimes, and I cry, I know that.

But it's different than talking about them feelings.

It brings on a different emotion.

Probably, it's even more of

a painful kind of feeling when you're doing that.

It just feels so much smaller now.

That's because you're bigger, man.

Can you imagine, your mum used to shout from over there?

-Yeah.

-All the way over to here, to get you in.

"Rio!

"Get inside, it's dinner time."

I lived up there, on the third floor.

Where the bike is.

When I come back here, I just feel like,

there's so much wicked memories here, man.

-INTERVIEWER:

-What was your dad like growing up, Rio?

-Well...

-What do you reckon you was like?

I was never friendly.

My mates couldn't come to my front door and just knock the door.

You want to come in and knock the door, say hello.

Simple as.

Things that happened in my life, you know, it was not...

Nothing... For me, it was my personal thing.

It was nothing to do with you at all, was it?

You know, I kept it like that.

You know...

Even when you knew you was leaving, you kept it quiet, like,

"I'm going for a little while.

"I'll be back." You kept it quite matter-of-fact.

Yeah.

That's always been me, I guess.

Things happen, and I have got to...

..get used to the idea and everything before I can even talk to

anybody about it.

Yeah, you didn't really say much.

-Nothing, did I?

-No.

-No.

You never did. I didn't really expect anything different,

-because you never did.

-No.

Do you think you're quite similar?

-Yeah.

-In some ways, yeah.

-Stubborn.

-Yeah, so we are the same to a point.

And being quite, like, closed.

-Yeah.

-Emotionally.

I think, definitely, that's a similarity.

Like, I'm a bit of a closed book when it comes to emotions

and to...to people.

It wasn't until

I kind of met Rebecca and had kids and...

..she was saying, like, "You've got to be more affectionate, because...

"..you've got to make your kids feel loved in every way you can."

But then, I was like, "Well, they know I love them."

And she was like, "Yeah, but even little things, you've got to say,

"like, 'I love you,' to your kids."

And that weren't something that I knew from being at home.

That wasn't the way that it was in my house.

So that was the way I was living.

And so I try to do it in every way possible, that my kids,

from time given to them, taking them to do stuff...

..and showing them love and affection as clear as day.

Meeting the ladies from Jigsaw, it's made me realise there are loads of

things out there for bereaved families.

Maybe I'm not ready yet, but a part of me thinks my kids are,

so I'm kind of open to going and seeing what is available for my kids.

If there's someone who's been through my situation...

I feel I get a lot more out of it.

And I think my children will be the same,

seeing kids who've been through that.

Has everybody got a football team that they support?

Think about the first letter of that.

And organise yourself in alphabetical order.

Manchester, yeah?

'I would say that children look at the adults around them,

'and that they will mirror the existing parent's behaviour.

'So they will look, perhaps, to a mum or dad'

and see how they are grieving,

and then feel that that's the way to do it.

So that in families where people aren't expressing any emotion,

children pick up that very quickly,

and learn not to express the emotion themselves too.

I feel like I've hit a bit of a brick wall in terms of communication

with my kids. It's hard for me to really know

where they're at with it at the moment.

Like, I don't know

if they're all right with it.

A little bit like me, in some ways,

they'd rather just compartmentalise it over here somewhere, put it there,

and they'll get to that box when they're ready.

But, as a parent,

am I meant to push them a little bit to go into that box or...

am I meant to leave them, let them just come and get that box open

when they want to, when it suits them,

when they feel right?

Welcome to our YPAG one-off project tonight.

We're here to work on the project so that you get to hear,

directly from the young people, what helps and what doesn't help.

A lot of parents and carers will phone up and say,

"How do I approach my children in order to be able to get the right

"time to be able to talk to my children about what's happened,

"and how I can support them?"

I think, don't worry if it's in the evening.

Even if you're up all night, crying, it gets it out.

And even though I did have, like, hard times, I'm glad I did,

because now I feel so much... obviously not perfectly OK,

cos that's never going to happen, but I'm glad I did get it all out.

When I did. When I was so young.

I think, don't worry too much about upsetting someone,

because they need to talk about it,

even if they don't want to that much.

It needs to be got out of them.

You have to talk about the person that's died.

They may not, like, be here, in, like, this world.

But they're still...

-Part of your life.

-Yeah, they're still a part of you.

And that's not going to go away, just by, like,

pretending they don't exist. Or they never existed.

-Can I ask you a question, please?

-Yeah.

Is there a right or wrong way to ask?

For me, definitely, it was time.

Obviously, it's been seven years now for me.

And I found that coming here, I gained confidence again,

and in that confidence I felt I could speak honestly about what I feel.

Now I can talk to anyone about it.

I didn't say anything for two years.

I just was quiet, didn't say a word, said I was fine.

Whereas you were really emotional,

and you cried every day for two years.

I think it should be encouraged to let out emotions, and talk about it,

and cry.

We have a memory jar, which we don't really write in any more,

but we used to write memories, and like, fold them up,

put them in the jar, and even now, we still go through them.

And it's a nice thing to have.

I'm just sitting there thinking, how would my kids be in this situation?

Bearing in mind I've not seen them open up yet.

Would they be more comfortable doing it in there than with me?

And as a parent, it's hard to take that a little bit.

That your kids would rather speak to someone else.

A lot of these kids said in there, they spoke to other people before

speaking to their parents. And I'd rather my kids speak to me.

This one is from 2008.

And it's... "I remember when I helped Mummy to set up Po's surprise

"birthday party," which was my dad's best friend.

And I was thinking about it the other day, actually.

"I remember when Mummy and Daddy took me to Watford to buy

"my witch's dress for Halloween, and then we went trick or treating."

It's just little moments.

Yeah. Like, really simple.

But does that take you back to there straightaway?

Yeah. I remember the dress.

I remember everything. I remember I got nails, fake nails for it,

and then my mum changed her mind, and wouldn't let me wear them because I was too young.

Like, even though...

I would forget that, but because of that one sentence, I do remember it.

I think now, even things like if I remembered a trip to the supermarket

or something, I wish I'd written that down.

The basic, simplest things.

-Yeah.

-There's nothing that's too simple or basic to write down.

-Exactly.

-Obviously,

you're a long way ahead of where my daughter is at the moment.

She's five years old, and you're... it's, like, 13 years on.

-Yeah.

-And it's like,

a lot of my questions are, what's coming for Tia?

I know as I got into my teen years, I didn't go to school for two years.

What, you just said, "I'm not going"?

Well, I was a really good kid,

so I think I just faked being sick for a long time.

And I had major anxiety anyway.

So that just drove me to, like, never go back.

What age was that?

Erm... Year 10, so it must have been 14.

Yeah, I think a lot of kids whose parents have passed away,

or even brothers and sisters that have passed away, do suffer from

anxiety a lot.

But they might not know it's anxiety.

I didn't know it was anxiety until I actually went to the charity,

CBUK.

Even though we're really close, the closer you are,

I think the more problems you have as well.

So we were having a lot of problems then, when I was,

like, quite depressed.

He probably was too, because it takes a toll on the whole family.

Then I got out of it, obviously, like, I'm happy.

You seem really, like,

together and happy with where you are in your life now.

-It's kind of bittersweet.

-Yeah.

You know, like, when you get to your teenage years,

and talking to her about what, normally,

their mum would talk to her about,

the girlie stuff.

How awkward, or how easy was that for you to do,

to get into that and talk about that?

The thing is, Annette said to me before she died, she said,

"Make sure you talk to her about this."

You know, she said, "I want you to talk to her about it."

She didn't want her to be scared, or anything like that, you know.

So I didn't talk about sex, or anything like that,

but I spoke about her body changing.

You know, I spoke about why it's changing, why things happen,

not to be scared, and I went out and bought a load of...

..sanitary towels, different ones. I didn't know what ones to get.

I went into Boots, I was grabbing loads of them.

"You got a starter pack, mate?"

Yeah. This woman actually said to me, "Can I help you?"

And I said, "I don't know." We spoke about all that.

And I think I had that pretty well covered.

So I think, when it did happen, she wasn't scared.

It wasn't like she didn't know what was going on or anything like that.

You've done a good job, huh? EMILY GIGGLES

-You'll have to ask Emily!

-I think so.

"Oh, my gosh, it's a new purse.

"Thank you so much, Ken!"

There's a bit of paper for Lorenz.

Bit of paper for Tate,

bit of paper for Tia.

Remember I was saying to you before about this being

where we put memories for Mummy?

So you can write messages, and whenever something comes into your

mind, and you go,

"Oh, that reminds me of Mummy, that's a funny thing."

Like, I would say maybe that Mummy used to put funny videos on her

phone and send them to us.

Like when she was, like...when she was on the bed and she was, like...

Yeah, jumping around.

Any time you want, you can go in there, take out a bit of paper, say,

"I wonder what's on that one?" And it might give you a nice memory.

-I'm drawing you and Mummy.

-Me and Mummy?

-Yes.

And then you're holding hands.

Say what you first said to her.

-My chat-up line?

-No!

I said to her... What did I say?

I said, "Write your number down then, please."

And she went, "Pardon?"

I said, "Go and write your number down."

And she went, "No, it's all right, thanks."

And that was it. That was the chat-up line.

I love my wife. More than anything.

Me and Rebecca, we had an unbelievable relationship.

And her personality, she was always messing about,

laughing at herself, which was a massive part of her personality.

I love doing this.

-Do you?

-I'm going to start doing this every day.

You know, this is special for me, to watch him be such a fantastic dad.

I think it's been a long time coming,

and I think he's in a better place,

that he is able to sit and just enjoy

wonderful memories about Rebecca.

Lorenz is a bit like Rio.

They're both quiet, and they don't have very much to say,

but when they do, it's really lovely.

Who was her favourite artist?

She loved Mary J Blige.

The last person she really loved was Ed Sheeran.

Thinking Out Loud, it was.

THEY HUM ALONG

-No, it isn't!

-Yeah, it was.

Thinking Out Loud.

Write that song, Lorenz, otherwise you'll forget.

Memories of Mummy.

"I love it when Mummy did big hugs.

"I loved it when she watched the funny films with me."

Put yours in.

Good girl. Put Lorenz's one in.

Even just doing that there, I've got so much out of it.

It's a way of getting them to speak out a bit more,

because...even just there, Lorenz was talking about his mum's favourite artist.

Lorenz don't talk. So to see him talking about that,

it's just little things that

I haven't been able to get out of him just through normal conversation.

So it's been really good in that sense.

It's just little snippets of their memories.

Do you know what I mean? Of their mum.

-Let's have a look.

-It's got way much writing on it.

This one looks very pretty.

"To Mummy. I wish you came alive, from Tia."

What you should write there is, "Mummy's favourite colour was green."

Cos that's why she's got a green dress.

-Cos otherwise, you might forget.

-I'll write it...

With the green, yeah.

Because otherwise you might forget.

Any little memory, it'll be worth it writing down, so you don't forget.

When I first ever met you I was really, really sceptical against therapy.

But having met all these great people with great advice and experiences

that they've shared with me, luckily, along the way...

it's took me to a place where I'm willing to sit down with a therapist

and just have that first initial contact.

And there's a lot more of a clearer picture about going forward, I think.

Inside, I'm starting to just open up a little bit, I think,

breathe a little bit.

I feel myself opening my mind to thinking about little moments that

we had together. Which is something

I weren't capable of really doing before.

And I just feel I'm equipped far better now than I was when

I started this. I can sit here, honestly, and comfortably

say that she'll be looking down now and saying,

"Well done." It's been 100% worthwhile.

# And you

# You see it all

# I have no place to hide

# Or worries to give

# And I am sitting over here

# Looking for the answers

# Working it out

# One day at a time

# And I am sitting over here

# Looking for the answers

# Working it out One day at a time. #