Episode 3 People Like Us

This programme contains strong language.

North of the city centre is a Manchester suburb called Harpurhey.

They say the area's just full of rough families. I don't think it's such a bad place.

Ten years ago, a government report branded it the most deprived neighbourhood in England.

-It's a simple question I asked.

-Yeah, and I'm trying to answer it.

Things have got a bit better since then,

but life round here is still no bed of roses.

There's a local saying, "They'd steal the shit out of your arse."

Not cos they want it, just so you haven't got it.

Half the people have no qualifications.

You!

And antisocial behaviour is rife.

-Are you the neighbour from hell?

-Probably, yeah.

People round here might not be the poshest but they're not lacking in spirit.

We call ourselves The Dysfunctionals.

They're just trying to get on with life. Be themselves.

I ain't driving the van like this.

And follow their dreams.

I'm a different person when I'm acting.

Tis true that a good play needs no epilogue. SHE WHISTLES

For one long summer, the young people of Harpurhey let us into their secret world.

# I have a penis! I shake it in the morning #

-Sharing the good times.

-Megan Fox, eat your heart out.

-And the bad.

-Hello! Go and find another street to go and terrorise.

This is how it really feels growing up the hard way.

You might think you know people like us

but you don't know nothing yet!

This week, nine newborn puppies

strain relationships in the Wakefield family.

-And dad Paul walks out.

-He's got to come home today.

My favourite saying to her now is, "Kaz, are these yours?"

Landlord Nik and tenant Pidge face off in an eviction battle.

And mates Arroll and Patrick

prepare for their first holiday abroad together.

My idea of a good holiday is getting tanned all day

with carrot oil dripping off your tits.

The Wishy Washy launderette has been run by Amber and Maddy's parents,

Karen and Paul, for the past six years.

Paul's my stepdad, but he has been there since I was very young.

He's always cleaning the machines out, folding the clothes,

putting the washing in. He's always busy. SHE LAUGHS

Amber's mum Karen has a problem with her back,

so she can't work in the launderette.

That doesn't stop her overseeing operations.

-That could be a load of ball-bag fluff.

-SHE LAUGHS

You're messing with somebody's foreskin. I bet there's loads.

You don't know what you're touching.

Do you want to shut up? I'm the one that's stuck here.

-Could be sniffing up somebody's pubic hair.

-SHE LAUGHS

Sorry.

Karen and Paul spend all day together at work and at home.

For Paul, there's no escaping the women in his life.

You need some of this on.

He gets stressed cos he lives in the house with three women, but he also lives with the Wakefield women.

Even the dog at one point was a girl.

So he had to get a male dog just to keep him company.

Are you getting dressed?

-I am now.

-Make some noise so I can hear you.

There's three girls, and every one of them do my head in.

They do it purposely. They're always trying to pick out things,

you know, just to nag at me about.

Get down. Get down now.

Ooh, god!

What's wrong with you now, Psycho Sid?

And you, I've just emptied that ashtray.

You're in my house, my living room, smoking me house to death. Go down.

Move it!

You're the reason why we're always decorating.

-Your bad, bad smoking habit.

-Oh, come on!

Shut up!

They're always arguing.

There's full-on arguing every couple of months.

Then they're always bickering, it's just always moaning.

SHE BANGS ON WINDOW

The washing.

Hey, I tell you now, lad,

sort your bloody moods out else you're not coming to work.

Half a mile down the road lives Paul.

Known to his mates as Pidge.

He's recently moved out of his mum's house

and is living on his own for the first time.

In the five-bedroom shared house,

Pidge rents his own room, which he decorated himself.

This is the only room in the house where I've been in actually, I think.

Er, this is where I just come to spark

and keep me way out the rest of the house.

£65 a week I pay for this. This room, basically.

There's water comes through me fire alarm, water comes through me fire alarm.

Unemployed Pidge trained as a chef, but he's barely ventured into the shared kitchen yet.

This is a death kitchen.

I wouldn't attempt to cook in here.

Not at all. I'll go to me sister's on Brentford Street.

Or me mum's. I'm not at all cooking in this.

Wouldn't touch this kitchen even if someone paid me to.

After only eight weeks in the house,

Pidge's landlord is trying to evict him following complaints about loud parties.

To register his disapproval,

Pidge has staged a dirty protest.

This is the garden. I brought everything out of the back garden what I cleaned up,

which he was meant to have got a skip for a month ago. This would've all been moved.

I put it all back cos he's being a twat with me.

I'm just giving him a bit back himself.

What it is, is against me. I've been arrested

seven times since I've lived here and I've only lived here eight weeks.

I've lived here eight weeks and I've been arrested seven times.

They arrest me for stuff I've not done.

In a back bedroom a previous tenant's dog has left a mess for the landlord to clean up, too

And then there's the landlord. There he is, sat next to his nappy.

Horrible bastard.

Pidge's house is owned by Nik Taylor,

a private landlord who owns 15 houses in Manchester.

There's nine houses on the street,

they're all mine except for number two, which is up for sale.

I tried buying it a few years ago, then they stopped doing mortgages for a bit.

Nik owns houses in London but he started buying property in Harpurhey

almost ten years ago because of the low prices.

He's targeted tenants who claim local housing allowance to cover their rent.

The two well-known local expressions is about people haven't got shit for brains

And the other one is about what they steal, they say,

"Oh, people would steal the snot out of your nose."

The other one is, they say, "They'd steal the shit out of your arse."

Not cos they want it, just so that you haven't got it. It's no good to them.

Nik served an eviction notice on his most difficult tenant.

But Pidge is staying put and will wait until the case comes to court.

I shall not move. I'm going to go to the Citizen's Advice Bureau.

They've already told me not to move.

They told me straight to me face, do not move, said just stay there.

They can't kick you out. He's got to get you in court. I'm just going to wait for a court date.

I shall not be moved till me court date.

It'll cost him money, but I'll do it that way,

I'm not going to move out.

Play him at his own game, ten times better.

MUSIC: "Super Bass" by Nicki Minaj

Well, I can't even see what I'm doing.

Oh! Turn it down now. You know what I'm like about noise.

Do not care. # At ill He real, he might gotta deal

# He pop bottles and he got the right kind of bill

# He cold, he dope He might sell coke #

-Let's have some chocolate.

-No!

-Stop it.

Maddy, have you got CJ?

YAPPING

Up the road from Pidge's, the Wakefields have had some unexpected new arrivals in their family.

Three weeks ago, their two boxers, Crystal and Casper,

had nine puppies.

Paul's in charge of looking after them until they can be found new homes.

-I will miss the puppies.

-I won't miss the smell.

I hope you get me something for my birthday.

Er, no, don't even think about it.

I'm serious. we're not getting one. There will be no puppy in a box.

No. I bet you seriously think there's going to be one.

I swear on my life, no, no puppy in a box.

Not even without a box. No puppy. We've got two dogs, I'm not having three.

-Oh.

-It's all right for you, it's your dad who does everything.

-I want Fluffy!

-No.

The smell was horrific. We had about 50 air fresheners on the windowsill.

One of them jumped on me leg and, because I tried to get it off,

its teeth dug right down my leg and ripped the whole of my pants off.

I was up to me knees in shit. I never smelt anything like it.

Maddy's making the most of her time with her new friends.

When did you grow teeth? Oi! Answer my question, when did you grow teeth?

Answer it. Don't look guilty.

Eh! Ow! Me nose.

But, with no buyers for the puppies on the horizon, Paul's workload shows no sign of letting up.

Hairdresser Arroll and call-centre worker Patrick

have been best mates for a year and bonded over their shared love of beauty treatments.

HE LAUGHS

Eyebrows, lashes, spray tan, Wow Brows, facials, pedicures, manicures.

-Teeth whitening.

-Teeth whitening. Hair cut.

-Contact lenses.

-Contact lenses.

Basically, I'm just fake as fuck.

We bounce off each other. That was the reason we clicked.

He's got a similar sense of humour as me.

He says something, then I'll pick up on what he means.

Then I can bounce off him and he can bounce off me.

Before you know, we're rolling round in stitches, laughing.

Can't believe I'm talking to you when I look like this with one of these on. Look like me nana.

The boys are planning their first holiday together,

a boozy package trip to Greece with ten mates.

I can't wait to go, we'll have such a good time.

I can't wait. I've not been for ten years. I've got me passport in me pocket, ready.

Come back all brown, then you'll be like...

I'll be blacker, cos I would have had a course at Fast Tan and a spray tan.

-Burn-on tan sprays.

-And tanning injections.

-And carrot juice.

-And bronzer.

-You'll look like Dale Winton on crack.

-St Moritz.

-99p a litre, B&M.

-B&M bargains!

-Can't beat it.

From Cameron Diaz to Jay-Z in three seconds.

HE LAUGHS

When me and Arroll are talking, we talk that fast, people look at us and like they go...

"We don't understand that." We speak really fast.

-Shrek and Fiona.

-Ah.

-You love it!

When I'm with him, I sometimes think, "Whoa, we need to calm down."

It's like we took three ounces of whizz and gone, "Bluh-bluh-bluh."

-I'm so relaxed, I feel all jellified. Do you?

-You idiot.

Arroll's full-time job at a hair salon north of Harpurhey

means he's short on time to get into shape before Kavos.

Ideally, get the body of a god, and I don't mean Buddha.

I've got that now, the Buddha belly.

So I'm on protein shakes, skipping, gym.

Swear I might as well just start sleeping in clingfilm, hadn't I?

Wrap it round me, bin bags and clingfilm.

Can't wait!

It's going to just be a hardcore partying holiday.

So it's going to be wake up,

reach for the nearest pint, ain't it, really?

My plan is not to let myself come down.

Once I start feeling ill, that'll be it then.

So my plan is just to carry on and get as drunk and as rotten as I possibly can for the whole week.

Then come down when I... when I'm on me way home.

-Look at him, denim, denim and denim.

-Denim and denim, you look so sexy.

Patrick's popped into town to get in some drinking practice with mates who are also going to Kavos.

-Here's to six days till Chavos.

-Six days!

-Chavos!

Seven days of pure filthy drinking.

-We should do a booze cruise this year.

-Definitely do a booze cruise. Just want to get there now.

I'm getting me eyebrows and hair done. I'm not getting a spray tan.

Once I've checked in, it's, right, get me the fucking vodka, neck it in Duty Free.

Harpurhey is one of the highest crime areas in Manchester,

with antisocial behaviour and burglary

two of the most common offences.

The area is policed by 43 officers, who operate out of a police station

in the heart of Harpurhey.

Damage to a gate at 462 Rochdale Road.

Jim, will you be able to pick that one up?

Yeah, I'll have a look at that this morning.

24-year-old PC Jim Evans has been working the Harpurhey beat for two and a half years.

If anyone's mooching up and down Moston Lane as well.

-A couple of nights ago, I spoke to Karen at Wishy Washy.

-Yeah.

-The launderette.

She's been having problems with a restaurant over the road.

Blokes are coming outside and just urinating on the street.

They even took a slash up her car while she was in it before.

Practically speaking,

I'd issue the fine once they've put their tackle away, though.

-Yeah.

-Just for health and safety purposes.

They've got to sign as well.

They've got to sign and if they've got one hand otherwise engaged

I wanted to be a fighter pilot when I were a kid.

I never really thought about the police until I was a bit older.

I was working in a call centre and thought, "It's got to get better than this."

Anything else happened? Anything else we need to be aware of?

Nothing involving us, no.

SIREN WAILS

# Cos it's a beautiful day! #

In my opinion, it's one of the best jobs out there.

The more you get to know the area, the more you enjoy working it.

There's something different going on every day,

there's something new all the time.

It's another day in paradise.

Should be the Harpurhey theme song.

Everybody out there

who wants to offend and commit crime on the Harpurhey area, don't!

Because we're coming to get you.

# I'm sexy and I know it

# I'm sexy and I know it. #

-Who's going first, me?

-Me!

-Thanks.

To complete their holiday look, Arroll and Patrick have booked in

for the ultimate in plucked and waxed eyebrow perfection.

The Wow Brow!

It's definitely a gay thing. Actually, it's not.

These days, people round here... It's just grooming, innit, really?

-Grooming yourself. What's that word?

-Metrosexual.

-Metrosexual men do it.

But you find that gay people have theirs more shaped and more...

I'm having Megan Fox eyebrows, me. Think Megan Fox, Transformers, done.

Think Beyonce, Sasha Fierce, Queen B. Thank you.

I've got a friend who works at another salon. She said, "They do Wow Brows at your salon."

I was like, "Yeah." She was like, "We had HD brows, they was crap"

We was like, "Well, you know what I mean, come down for a Wow Brow." But she was buzzing.

Kate Middleton's got nice eyebrows. I reckon the Queen would look good with a Wow Brow.

-Are they done?

-Megan Fox, eat your heart out. Ooh, Megan who?

At first, I didn't think there was a lot of gay people in the estate.

They're popping up from nowhere, aren't they? Like, springing up.

I'm not the only gay in our parade.

Mm-hmm.

I'm gay, get over it. Your dad's probably gay.

Joke, he's not really. I don't think he is.

They're fine. Wow Brows done.

Yeah, they're nice and defined and thick, not dead thin like pencils.

I just walked in.

At the supermarket on the main Harpurhey shopping precinct,

Jim and colleagues have been called to deal with a pair of shoplifters

who were caught getting drunk on stolen booze.

Policeman, check this policeman. Fucking idiot, bruv, idiot.

-Why are you kicking off?

-Move out the way.

They're arresting one of the culprits for behaving aggressively.

You're not helping yourself here at all. Come on, get into the van.

-Bob.

-You're walking great now, eh?

-I know.

You! Little prick. You fucking bitch. You fucking...!

He's head-butting the cage and he's got a head injury now.

-He's got a minor graze to his head.

-Ryan, stop it!

When someone's aggressive to that point,

whether they're in cuffs or not,

you can't take your eye off 'em, you don't know what will happen.

BANGING

-He's kicking, he's not head-butting any more.

-Right.

-We need to keep an eye on him.

-Yeah.

If you were frightened about it, then you'd never go to the jobs,

and you couldn't be a decent police officer, really.

After being given a slap on the wrist,

the thief's accomplice finds himself having to report a crime of his own.

It appears the other lad

has had, I think he's had his bike nicked from outside Asda.

So, it's, yeah, it's a bit of karmic justice I think, right there.

I don't feel sorry for him. Serves him right, he shouldn't go nicking.

Stop it, you'll hurt yourself.

You need to sit down and calm down.

I've lived a lot of different places around England.

But Harpurhey's about people not working.

Only getting out of bed quite late in the day,

and smoking weed and going to bed really late.

If you work, you're Polish or come from some other part of Britain to do the work.

The locals can't work because they'd lose benefit if they did work.

That's what the benefit culture is about.

That's what you're paying your taxes for.

They say it's just rough.

They say the area's full of rough families.

I don't think, in my point of view, that it's such a bad place.

PATRICK: The best thing about being from round there

is how much community spirit is there. It sounds cheesy,

but people like to talk to people and people are really sociable.

I think, in a weird sort of way,

a lot of people look out for each other in Harpurhey.

If you've not got plenty of money,

if you've not got material things.

A lot of people in our parade have got mates and that's,

you need to look at it, that's got to be a good thing.

Pidge has plenty of mates.

While waiting for his eviction court date, he's determined to have fun.

He's planning a big party tonight to celebrate his 21st birthday.

Just putting it on me Facebook status. Party.

Everyone wear no knickers and stuff.

HE LAUGHS

Everyone gets laid every week at my parties.

Loud music, loads of beer,

loads of girls, loads of guys, loads and loads, loads of drugs.

This is the party destination.

This is the love shack. This is the love shack, innit?

Pidge is not the only local resident spreading the love this afternoon.

We've just been mooching around. We turned down a side street

And there's a car a-rocking and I don't want to go a-knocking!

They've been up to a bit of rumpy pumpy.

We've given it a few minutes

cos I don't want to see that kind of thing.

-You decent?

-Yeah.

You sure? I gave you a good five minutes, yeah?

What you up to down here, or need I ask?

Cornflake tart, you've come down here to eat a bit of cornflake tart?

How come you're not in your driver's seat?

Yeah, move on.

Give 'em five minutes to move, shall we?

-I don't know who's more embarrassed, them or me.

-HE LAUGHS

There's a first time for everything.

It's like getting a new Cub Scout badge, innit?

The caught-in-the-act badge!

# I call myself bacon! I... #

It's four in the afternoon at the Wakefields.

SHE LAUGHS

We're all mad and just crazy.

Sometimes we can be nutters and do crazy things.

Like when I dress up as like a cow and run around Tesco and that.

While the girls relax upstairs, Paul's got the dogs to look after

and now Karen's got him decorating the house.

# Me, a name I call myself #

# Bacon, sausage, bean and egg and a bit of buttered bread

-# A bit of buttered bread

-# I said a bit of buttered bread

-# A bit of buttered bread, yeah! #

So either got her friends staying or silly buds next door.

It's an open house. Anybody can come in, tramps off the street, anyone.

That's why we call ourselves The Dysfunctionals.

Yeah, we're not like a normal family.

It's weird cos I know you can have dead loud houses and they're all dead, you know...

You can get really horrible scally ones.

We're all loud but we're also all right with it, aren't we?

CBA Day we call it, Can't Be Arsed Day!

You know when you don't have to do anything, even though I've got that much to do it's unbelievable.

You don't have to do anything, but Dad does!

Paul, he works very hard, we can't, like, fault him for that.

Once one room's been decorated, he goes into the next room.

Then that room, what he did previously, needs doing again.

Once he gets up to do it, I'm not going to get up and do it because he's already up doing it.

# And a bit of buttered bread. #

Fucking hell!

I'm never sat down, you know. I've either got a mop stuck in one hand and a fucking bucket in the other,

Or, you know, it's fucking horrible, I can't stand it.

Females, fucking hell!

Do without them for a while, know what I'm saying.

I'd like to get the fuck out of here for a bit.

This is a top song.

MUSIC: "Handbags And Gladrags" by Stereophonics

-Turn it up.

-Right.

'# Trying to make herself a bride... #'

Do you like it?

'# So what becomes of you my love?'

'# When they have finally stripped you of'

'# The handbags and the gladrags'

'# That your poor old granddad had to sweat to buy you. #'

Girls wear pyjamas everywhere.

Market, bingo, Asda, er, swimming baths, anywhere.

I'm sure people must get up, have a shower

and then put pyjamas on to go out in.

A sign in the doctor's said,

-don't come in in your pyjamas or you won't be seen.

-Yeah.

Everyone kept coming in in their pyjamas. And Asda. Nobody gets dressed.

-Then did you see...?

-I'm only dressed cos I'm here.

-And you wanted to...

-Next week, I'll be in my nightgown and slippers.

SIREN WAILS

It's Friday night and Jim's colleagues Sheryl and Avril are on the late shift.

Shocker!

It is a grade one that we are going to.

Several youths fighting and throwing bottles

at each other and at passing vehicles.

There are a couple of other patrols making their way there as well.

-Ah, we got some runners.

-'Male runner on.'

On a Friday night, it gets a bit lively, people have drinks,

then the estate's flooded, there's people on it.

Everyone's running from the police. I sit there and have a laugh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow your boots down.

Go home, before you find yourself spending Friday night

in a custody cell.

When Jeremy Kyle's boring me, I just go to me bedroom window.

Stop raising your hands up to everybody.

Get him in for D and D. Watch his leg. Move him back, mate.

The police are arresting a drunken youth to try and calm him down

after his aggressive behaviour threatens to get out of hand.

I think, for the lasses, it's Lambrini.

For the lads, cheap, cheerful Special Brew is always popular.

And, er, you know, your nice White Lightning, nice strong cider.

-What have you had tonight?

-Not had nothing.

There's been some sort of to-do on the estate.

It's finding a fine line between trying to maintain peace in the area

and trying to look after your own safety, which can be quite difficult sometimes.

It has been known that I have gone out in town and had a glass of wine or two in the past.

I have never got into a fight. I do ask the question why these people constantly find themselves...

Cos we do come across the same people time and time again...

So I ask the question, why they are constantly in these situations?

I don't know why. Can you offer an answer to that?

No.

It's 11 o'clock and half a mile up the road at Pidge's,

his 21st birthday party is just getting going.

Partying hardcore.

Par-ty!

Karl, you fucking legend.

Sex, drugs and booze aren't for everyone

but they're available for those who want them.

It's not landlord Nik's idea of a good night.

I don't do drugs.

I normally wouldn't drink much.

I don't need to drink in order to dance.

When I was their age,

I was at university doing accountancy and computing.

I used to spend my spare time

playing Monopoly and other board games.

I can't really imagine hardly any of my tenants

playing Monopoly on an English board.

Or Irish and Swiss, which, of course, you play in three languages.

I've played Cluedo, Risk, loads of games.

That's, that's what we used to do when I was young.

RAP MUSIC PLAYS

I suppose the thing about a board game is

that you can achieve more things than you can in real life.

So, yeah, when you're young and you need to be writing your essays

and passing your exams, it's a good bit of escapism.

By 1am, the party's in full swing and shows no sign of ending soon.

Fuck the loudness, we're partying!

You're only 21 once, aren't you?

You only live once. That's a quarter of my life expectancy nearly gone.

Do you worry about what the neighbours think?

No, fuck the neighbours.

Fuck the neighbours.

-Fuck the neighbours.

-Yeah, fuck the neighbours.

But the neighbours have had enough

and landlord Nik is under pressure to evict Pidge.

Everyone knows about the parties, innit?

Do you know about the parties Friday? Everyone knows about them.

This is an everyday thing. Go round there and you'll catch

a 70-year-old woman proper partying with alcies about time.

LOUD SINGING

There you go.

Round the corner at the Wakefields, the puppies are now seven weeks old

and causing more chaos than ever.

They're all rolling in their own pee and everything.

Paul's losing his temper. Karen's asked him to move out and calm down.

My dad, cos he has to do a lot of work sometimes,

he can get in really bad moods, where we all fall out with him.

And then we just don't want to know him.

Paul's sleeping in the launderette, living in the launderette at the back.

Yeah. He's got to come home today. He's got to come home.

Paul does near the majority of everything.

You don't realise till you threw him out how much you miss him!

What we doing now? Putting these two in the boot and then what?

-Are they going in the boot?

-What do you think?

-The boot's hanging, so they might as well.

The puppies are due for their injections

and, with Paul not around,

it's up to Karen and Amber to drop them off at the local vets.

Oh, my God! Hello. Let's get two at a time. Right.

Or is it just one?

When they're arguing, I'm like, "Well, just split up then,

"leave each other, go your separate ways." But then, me and me mum said,

if Paul goes, who's going to fix the machines?

Then we think, who is actually going to come and fix the machines? Cos Paul does everything.

-Get the air freshener, Amb.

-Ah, it's bad, innit?

Right in me face.

I think we've split up more times than we've been together.

Yeah, split up loads of times, loads.

He used to go off, didn't know where he was, could've been dead in the gutter.

I'm not talking go off for a day,

he used to go for six months, things like that.

I know Karen loves me, but we have our arguments, everybody does.

Maybe not as often as me and Karen.

If we was to argue and I left, she wouldn't miss me or nowt like that.

Even though I say she loves me and that, you know, but she'd get on with her life without me.

You know what I mean? I wouldn't be missed that much.

I just want a normal family, like most other people have,

you know what I mean? Decent, like, people.

I like to think that's what I've got, you know.

Paul was brought up by his mum and stepdad.

My childhood, it was a load of shite. I wasn't brought up,

you know what I mean, I was, like, dragged up, yeah.

Beaten, know what I mean.

I was always told I would never be anything, know what I mean.

When I wasn't getting bullied at school, I was coming home and getting shit.

Getting the shite beat out of me, know what I mean.

Um...

Battered with a piece of wood with nails in it and that sort of shit.

That was the sort of stuff I was getting from home.

Then, the next morning, I'd be up, go to school, like,

and I'd be getting shit again from kids and all that stuff, you know.

Got to about 13 and then things changed.

Yeah, I realised, when you fight, it don't hurt, you know what I mean,

or it don't hurt till the next day, or something like that.

So I started holding my own, know what I mean.

I got to like it.

I started going round bullying the fucking bullies then.

I want for my family

exactly everything that was the opposite to what I had, you know.

What you going to do to me feet? Tell me step-by-step guide to the perfect trotters.

Anybody can have a kid, it's a biological fact.

Anybody can have a kid. Somebody who makes a good parent,

doesn't matter whether the child's theirs.

If there are kids that people don't want or they've had hard lives, I'd rather affect

a few people's lives and show them they can have a different life,

than have my own child and show it the best of everything.

I'd love a Chinese kid called Beau Flynn, spelt B-E-A-U.

-B-E-A-U-tiful.

-That's beautiful in French.

I think it does. I'm sure it does.

I'd buy it everything in the world.

If I couldn't afford it, I'd rob someone.

I'm joking, I wouldn't really.

I really do want one. Not until I'm 31 or 32, but I really want one.

You're dead in gay years, aren't you, by the time you're 30.

When you're a teenager and they all go, "What about kids if you're gay?"

I goes, "I'm going to have a kid, Beau Flynn, when I'm 32."

Just stuck with me. I imagined walking round with a baby called Beau Flynn. No dad, apart from me.

If you follow me when I'm 32,

I'll have Beau Flynn with me. "Come on, Beau!"

I don't know whether you'd be able to say, "I want a Chinese baby"

-No, you can't.

-You get what you're given. It's like, "Here's one out the bag, that's for you."

Where would I get one?

Round at Pidge's, the landlord and tenant dispute rumbles on.

Landlord from hell.

Pidge is still refusing to budge and landlord Nik has been told,

unless he shifts the rubbish outside the property, he'll be fined.

The Public Health Act 1936, to do with mice and rats.

And so all the black bags had to be shifted.

The job's more difficult because I've been banned from the house.

Pidge wrote to me, saying I'm not allowed in the house or garden or front and back yards.

You actually writ the letter yourself.

You acted on my behalf. I didn't write the letter, you did.

Pidge had verbally told me I wasn't allowed in the house or gardens.

Obviously, we needed it in writing, so there was no dispute about anything.

So I typed up letter and got him to sign it, which he did.

Nik banned himself. He writ the letter in my name,

put my phone number on it, my email address,

everything mine, and then writ it out like I've writ it,

which I hadn't, then passed it to me.

Writ his own ban out.

I saved Pidge quite a bit of money

because the council have served on him, so they can...

clear it and charge him.

PIDGE LAUGHS

On camera. He just fell off the top of the van.

You know, he can't help being what he is

and, I suppose, I can't help being what I am.

He's fairly bad. But, I mean, the other day, Pidge kept asking me whether I thought he was dickhead.

Kept on and on about it.

He's obviously a bit concerned whether he is or not.

And do you think he is a dickhead?

I couldn't possibly comment on something like that.

Lots of dog shit there, I think.

Think it's probably dog shit.

Their tenancy agreement says no dogs.

As a landlord in Harpurhey, every day is quite different.

You never quite know what it's going to end up like.

OK, there was a bit of dog shit

but a change is as good as a rest, as they say.

Are the returns high enough to justify the amount of aggro? No, they're not really.

It's the evening before Arroll and Patrick's holiday.

Chavos! Hiya, babe!

Patrick's brought round some essential last-minute packing.

The holiday T-shirts they've just had made up.

-Fucking hell, that's small.

-That's Rosie's.

I'm not slagging Rosie off but she's got big tits.

-You had your hair cut?

-Tomorrow. I'm doing everything tomorrow morning.

-Fucking hell! Last-minute Lil.

-I've not packed.

I've not packed a thing. I've got a T-shirt. That's mine.

I don't like it. Looks like a fucking tent I can camp in.

I'm going to cut it cos it looks hanging and...

-Oh, don't!

-Funny as fuck!

-I love it.

-It's funny, innit?

-Balls in a jar!

-Balls in a jar, Mrs Fucking Cropper.

-Hayley Cropper.

-Doing it big.

That's not your hand luggage!

-No, that's my luggage altogether, love.

-Is it? In that bag?

-Yeah.

-I can't wait to go on holiday now.

-I know.

-I need a fucking shave. I need to buy deodorant, hair spray, razor blades, Femfresh.

-Femfresh? Ugh, you rotter.

-Thingy, what's it called?

-Nair.

-Veet for this fucking Greek back.

-You never know, I might find a Greek back out there.

-I've had me chest waxed.

-You've done it!

All three hairs waxed off it.

My idea of a good holiday is getting tanned all day with carrot oil dripping off your tits.

-Going out that night, drinking...

-Fuck off!

-..till you're sick all over the floor.

Wake up in the morning and say, "How did I get home?" not knowing.

Probably waking with no clothes on, waking up with a man who you don't even know.

-You better turn it in. You better turn it in.

-I'm only joking. I'm only joking.

That's a stereotypical night out in Chavos.

No, what we'll do is exactly what I've just said.

It's nearly 20 miles from Harpurhey to Manchester Airport,

and the boys are finally on their way.

To desk two, guys, tits and teeth.

-Say, "Happy Hanukkah."

-ALL: Happy Hanukkah!

Three cheers for Chavos. Hip, hip, hooray!

Ciao, babe.

Pidge's eviction hearing court date has been set for one week's time.

Despite complaints stacking up, he still has no intention of leaving.

The complaints on my tenancy are about loud music

and people be acting in a rowdy manner outside the house.

But is it true?

Yeah.

-Do you care?

-No.

-Are you the neighbour from hell?

-Probably, yeah.

RAPS ALONG TO SONG PLAYING

# Being erased from the estates of our parade #

That house is currently the most troublesome house.

I've managed to apply to the court for a hearing to throw them out.

Pidge says he's been arrested 40 times and never been convicted cos he's got a great solicitor.

And tells me that, when we're in court for his eviction, he's going to win as well.

So we'll see.

Let's go arrest people. Or at least try.

PC Jim has been called to visit a man who's suspected of breaching the conditions of his bail.

I know where we're going.

The man wears a tag and has to be in his house every evening.

But, last night, information from the tag shows that he went out.

You all right? Is, er, is he in?

-I'm his dad.

-Yeah, is he in?

-Yes.

-Yeah? Is it you?

-Yeah, me.

-Do you know why we're here?

-No.

-You weren't in last night, were you?

-I was here all night.

It should beep, the machine. What time are they saying it's breached?

-25 to 4 this morning.

-25 to 4 in the morning?

-They said it was called...

-25 to 4? I'm in the bed. I'm sleeping.

-Right.

-What am I going to do at 25 to 4 in the morning?

I'll come in and have a look.

How can I prove it to you? I cannot prove it to you?

-When was it sent?

-What can I do now?

I'll get the sack from work for this, you know that? I've lost my job now.

I made a mistake in my life. I was a stupid guy and I made a mistake.

I got arrested for it, got locked up. Now I'm out, I want to change my life to show the judge

that I've been working hard for my son and my wife, so the judge will say to me,

"OK, you're a good lad."

I'm a good lad, you can ask anyone, I'm friendly with everyone.

You need to understand here, our hands are tied,

and we've no choice but to take you into custody.

OK.

"Received, thank you."

It's a really difficult one, this.

Cos you don't...

You could see he was upset.

And I'm kind of inclined to believe him.

But, funnily enough, people lie to the police.

It's a bit of a sad fact

but we can't believe anything that anybody says.

And he was upset because he had to leave his little lad, which is...

Is heart-breaking, I know.

But there's not a great deal we could do.

We are... The police are the bad guys sometimes.

The next day, the court decided the man had not breached his bail.

And he was allowed to return to his family.

# Now and then I get insecure

# From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

# You are beautiful

# No matter what they say

# Words can't bring you down

# Oh, no-oh-oh! #

I'm ecstatic.

At the Wakefields, Paul's spell living in the launderette is over

and the family is back together again.

They always come back together cos they love each other.

They have, I don't know, it's a strange relationship

because they're always arguing.

They should be here any time now.

Paul's my best mate. We're always together. We live, eat

and breathe together and work together.

It's like losing your right arm, really.

Really missed him and I used to silently cry on me own.

But didn't want the kids to know.

It's love, innit, really? I don't know. Or better the devil you know.

My dad does disappear sometimes.

I just start getting all upset and that.

And then I'm worried about him in case, like,

stuff has happened to him and that and I'll never see him again.

See, you know I'll always love you.

When he comes back, I kind of like it.

Cos, like, he's my dad and I love him.

Just as the Wakefield family reunite,

it's time for the first of the puppies

to be collected by its new owners.

Going to be weird not being knee-high in shit.

It wasn't you that was knee-high in it.

No, but I, thingy, I still had to spot it and say,

-"There's some, there's some, there's some. Pick that up."

-Yeah.

BARKING

You own him. My pleasure.

I did want to keep them together as a family,

because they are family, really.

I wouldn't like it if I got split up and away from my sister.

SHE CRIES

Are you quite close, you and Madison?

I wouldn't say close close, no.

I don't know how to show the right emotion towards her,

I think, know what I mean?

I've got to make the appearance

as if I'm the fucking one with the muscle.

"You listen to what I say", know that sort of thing, like.

I'm not one for showing emotion, you know.

I don't know how to, know what I mean?

SHE CRIES

I would lie down in the road, yeah, for my kids.

I would die, I'd take a bullet.

I'd jump in front of a bus if it meant saving me kid.

It's just that I miss them, I miss them.

I miss Fang and I miss Roxy.

And now I miss Tiger Lily.

I think he missed out of what a family really is.

But now that he has me and my mum and my sister,

he knows what a family is now.

Don't know what I'm going to do when Fluffy goes.

# You'll be in the high life Soaking up the sunlight

# Anything you want is yours

# I heard you're living life like you should. #

Arroll's week away with Patrick is over.

He's readjusting to life after his first holiday abroad for ten years.

Kavos itself, unless you're a 17-year-old wild party animal, there's not much to do.

Basically, the shops open at 11 o'clock at night.

Everywhere is open till seven in the morning and that's it.

So, as you can imagine, too much sun, too much alcohol

leads to a lot of cross words and carnage.

# Girl, tell me how you feel What's your fantasy?

# I see us on a beach down in Mexico You can put your feet up. #

Patrick and his holiday buddy Ethan

are still enjoying the memories of Kavos.

I'll show you the pictures. Well, I'll get to the...

I'll get to the front of the photos.

Fantastic! There's funny ones of me. There's funny ones of everyone.

I pissed in a bed, I was that drunk.

-And denied it.

-And denied it for days.

Then I finally come to terms that I did piss in a bed.

I must've drank three litres of grenadine. That's all they gave us.

A vodka like that, which was probably water, then that much grenadine. I was shitting grenadine.

Kavos is a place the beaches look like Blackpool.

There was washed up cans, sick, shit. It was horrible as a place.

It stunk of absolute cat piss, cheese, yoghurt, spam.

-I felt like I was in a slum in Mumbai.

-Don't compare...

Like Slumdog Millionaire.

-Don't compare it to Mumbai, it's not that bad.

-No toilet roll.

-No towels.

We had no towels, no fresh bedding, no cleaners.

All we had was vodka and drama.

# We are never, ever, ever getting back together #

Patrick and Arroll weren't just disappointed with Kavos,

they were also disappointed with each other.

They fell out after a drunken argument one night

and returned home no longer friends.

It is a shame and Patrick had potential to be one of my closest, best friends, he really, really did.

I don't wish him any bad at all in the world, I really, really don't.

We used to go and have beauty treatments done, sunbeds, out to town.

All of them things, what I thought was a good friendship,

what was escalating into a good friendship, obviously meant nothing.

You see friends' true colours on holiday. There's always tension,

there's always going to be an argument, especially in a big group.

That's the only time I've ever been on a holiday and felt so uncomfortable in my life.

When all the drama started, we thought, "Fuck this, we've not come on holiday for this," leave it to it.

I don't see it as falling out, I see it as moving on.

No point dwelling on it. Just get on with it. It happened, get over it.

Who knows what will happen in the next couple of years?

We might become friends again. Never say never.

I'm not going to be sad

over something that's not entirely finished.

There was dramas, unnecessary dramas, leave it at that.

-Yeah, it is what it is.

-It is exactly what it is.

Nik has had some welcome news.

Pidge has decided not to fight his eviction.

His life as a carefree bachelor with his own pad is over for now.

And he's moving his belongings out today.

I had an eviction notice for a court date, which was dated for today.

And, um, I didn't want to wait till the last minute and then be homeless.

So I decided yesterday, I asked me mum

could I have me bedroom back till I find somewhere for me to stay.

She said yeah. It's OK to be back in there.

Instead of waiting for the court date and ending up getting evicted and have nowhere,

I may as well get me room back and move back in, and that way everyone's happy.

Nik gets his house back and I'm sleeping somewhere.

It's like a game of chess, yeah. And you think he's going to do that,

I'm going to do that, his move will be that and my move's that.

Provided you play it like chess and you're so many moves ahead.

When you crack your next move, isn't it the same as someone

landing on Vine Street and you saying, "Rent, please"?

Round here, parties will never stop on a weekend, there's always someone that'll have a party.

There's always new places where you can start again, ain't there? A new leaf, ain't there?

Well, there's certainly no hard feelings.

He's just an ex-tenant, like so many others.

I mean, I don't even know how many ex-tenants I've got now.

He wasn't the worst tenant and he wasn't the best tenant.

He was just, he was just all run of the mill. It's all normal, isn't it?

There's nothing special about this house. This is, this is normal.

With the eviction battle over,

Nik sets about the clean-up of the shared house.

Oh, I think, I think we can go for 70.5 centimetres on this one.

We're measuring how high up the wall we've got dog shit cos

no-one's ever achieved it up a wall before.

So obviously it's going to be a thing for tenants to achieve now.

So I'm thinking it's 70.5 centimetres.

Or about...

Yeah, I think we'll just do it metric rather than imperial.

I don't think it's an English thing to do.

The Wakefields' life is getting back to normal.

Are you awake?

-No.

-Going to get up now?

I'm up for breakfast.

-Dad!

-Yeah?

-Mum said she wants a cup of tea

and breakfast.

Breakfast.

Dad, what about this one? This one's nice.

SHE PLAYS PIANO

When I met Kaz, I knew for a fact, the day I met her, the minute I met her,

that she was going to be the one who changed my life.

If it wasn't for Kaz, I'd be probably dead, you know.

In a prison, you know. Or in some sort of gutter somewhere.

-Paul?

-Yeah?

-Do me a brew.

-I'm doing it now.

-Slow.

-Not scratching me arse.

Pardon?

I said I love you.

-No, what did you say?

-I'm not scratching my arse.

-Hope you're not giving cheek to me.

-Knobhead.

-What?

-Nowt.

Ooh. Paul, do you know before you get a bath...

-Can I finish what I'm doing?

-What are you doing?

-A lot fucking more than what you are at the moment.

-Oi, cheeky git, I've not stopped.

Doing me hair and that.

What have you been doing today?

Next week, young mum Sherelle

is trying to stay out of trouble for the sake of her son.

Yeah, but how can you get the complaint if I don't have a stereo?

At the launderette, Maddy's starting high school

-and Mum and Dad think it's time she grows up.

-I've got a job for you.

And pregnant Louise gets valuable advice before the birth of her baby.

When you're in pain, you just want anything to get it out.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd