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Hinduism is not a single religion | 0:00:07 | 0:00:09 | |
but a vast collection of diverse religious traditions. | 0:00:09 | 0:00:14 | |
The god that we believe in is the one in the middle. | 0:00:14 | 0:00:17 | |
Mum always ensured that we understood and respected religion | 0:00:17 | 0:00:22 | |
and tried to follow it in every way we can. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
Marriage is at the centre of the religion. | 0:00:24 | 0:00:28 | |
Alpa Saujani is a matchmaker to the Hindu community. | 0:00:28 | 0:00:32 | |
A lot of Hinduism focuses around family, culture and values | 0:00:32 | 0:00:36 | |
so it's the meeting not only of man and wife, | 0:00:36 | 0:00:39 | |
it's also the integration of a family. | 0:00:39 | 0:00:41 | |
But it's not easy finding a partner | 0:00:42 | 0:00:45 | |
when you're young, British and Hindu. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:47 | |
Within Hindu you want somebody who's Gujarati | 0:00:47 | 0:00:50 | |
and within Gujarati you want somebody who is Patel | 0:00:50 | 0:00:53 | |
and within Patel you want somebody that's in a certain village. | 0:00:53 | 0:00:56 | |
Ultimately, you're just left with a handful of people that you can possibly marry. | 0:00:56 | 0:01:02 | |
At almost 29, Hasmita is considered old to be single, | 0:01:02 | 0:01:06 | |
and is struggling to find a partner. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:08 | |
It doesn't help that she has a long wish list. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:11 | |
Ideally non-smoking. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:13 | |
Not someone who's completely teetotal because... | 0:01:13 | 0:01:16 | |
that would be boring. | 0:01:16 | 0:01:17 | |
Someone who's, you know, who knows themselves, | 0:01:17 | 0:01:20 | |
knows what they want out of life. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
He also has to originate from a particular village in India. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:26 | |
For me, it's a big issue if a boy I'm looking for comes from Madhapar. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:30 | |
That's where all my mum's family is. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
With pressure from her mum mounting, | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
Hasmita has come to see some matchmakers to the community. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:39 | |
-Hi. -Hi. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:40 | |
How old are you? | 0:01:40 | 0:01:42 | |
I'm going to be 29 next month. | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
It's not wasting my life. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
Yeah, you need to find someone. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:57 | |
Well, YOU need to find ME someone! | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
Although it is traditional for Hindu parents to find their children a partner, | 0:02:01 | 0:02:06 | |
it's a big step for some young Hindus to allow them to. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:09 | |
25-year-old student Jalpa Patel has recently asked her parents to find her someone to marry. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:15 | |
I told them, "Listen, | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
"if there is anyone you have in mind, | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
"let me know. I'll think about it, I'll speak to them and we'll see what happens." | 0:02:19 | 0:02:24 | |
Like many young Hindus, | 0:02:24 | 0:02:25 | |
Jalpa's close to her parents and trusts them to make a match. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:29 | |
He's a typical dad so his reaction when I told him was ecstatic. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:33 | |
He was so happy and just like, "Oh, really? Oh, wow!" | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
He was on the phone straightaway talking to his friend. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:39 | |
I don't know if I done the right thing but it's worth a try really | 0:02:39 | 0:02:43 | |
so I've got nothing to lose in any way whatsoever. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
Parents put out feelers to friends and family | 0:02:48 | 0:02:51 | |
and then your mum will get a phone call | 0:02:51 | 0:02:54 | |
to say there's xyz boy, for example, | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
and you'll then talk to the boy | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
and decide whether to go on a date with him or not. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
Today, Jalpa is going on her first ever introduction. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:08 | |
His name is Viral and he works in the City. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
His aunt is friends with Jalpa's family. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
-Hello, hello, hello. -Hi, Jalpa. -Hi, how are you? -Nice to meet you. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:18 | |
My grandma met my grandad when she sat next to him to get married to him. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
That's the first time she met him. She was 16 years old. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
-Shall we grab a coffee? -Yeah, sure. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
Nowadays, arranged is being introduced to someone through someone. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:30 | |
All I know about her is pretty much her name | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
and a bit about what she does but not too much detail. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
-So you've got an older brother or a younger brother? -Older. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
He's 27, yeah. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:41 | |
-You don't have any sisters though? -No. Just one older brother. -Cool. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:45 | |
I wouldn't have been like that on a normal date. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:47 | |
All the stuff that he was saying, it's like your whole CV, | 0:03:47 | 0:03:51 | |
but your personal CV cos, well... | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:03:53 | 0:03:56 | |
When Jalpa gets home, her mum wants to know how it went. | 0:03:56 | 0:04:00 | |
There just wasn't a spark. There wasn't, you know, like, excitement. | 0:04:00 | 0:04:04 | |
-It didn't click. -No, Mother, it didn't click. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:09 | |
Through a family introduction, | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
Hasmita's been getting to know someone called Dipesh | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
who, amazingly, comes from her village in India. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:17 | |
But she's never met him | 0:04:17 | 0:04:18 | |
because he lives over 4,000 miles away in Dubai. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:22 | |
He's got a lot of pictures of his nieces and nephews | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
and when I speak to him, he sounds incredibly family-orientated. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:29 | |
It just helps create a picture of someone. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
What their interests are and things. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
Hasmita has decided to visit Dipesh in Dubai on her own for two weeks. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:39 | |
Her friend Martina has some words of warning. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
Oh, my God, the only point of contact you have | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
is through Google Talk, e-mails or phone calls. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
You've never him, you don't know what he's like. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:50 | |
Yeah, but that's because he fits my list. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:52 | |
Is it because your family know him? | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 | |
Yeah. There's definitely comfort in the fact my aunt knows him. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
OK, he's a random stranger to me | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
but to my family, he's not a random stranger. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
Even though her parents are looking, Jalpa has met someone herself. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:08 | |
A boy called Diep. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
But she's reluctant to tell her parents about him | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
until she's sure he's serious. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
I'm trying to keep my options open because I don't know where it's heading. | 0:05:15 | 0:05:19 | |
Cos nothing's kind of been said that we're together. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:24 | |
I feel we bounce off each other really well. I have a laugh with her. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:27 | |
I won! | 0:05:27 | 0:05:29 | |
I have a fair idea of what she wants. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:32 | |
As girls do fairytales and she's dreaming... | 0:05:33 | 0:05:36 | |
-It worries me. -What worries you? | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
The preparing for a wedding. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:41 | |
In Dubai, Hasmita has met Dipesh for the first time. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:50 | |
Despite only having been there for a few days | 0:05:50 | 0:05:52 | |
they both think they've found the one. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:55 | |
It feels really familiar. Like I know him. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
Was there ever a point where you thought we have a good connection? | 0:05:57 | 0:06:03 | |
What do you think? | 0:06:03 | 0:06:04 | |
We were really relaxed and then he's like, | 0:06:06 | 0:06:10 | |
"Yeah, we should got for it." I'm like, "Go for what?" | 0:06:10 | 0:06:13 | |
He's like, "We should go for it. Get married." | 0:06:13 | 0:06:15 | |
Everything I wanted has just fallen into place. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:20 | |
CHEERING | 0:06:24 | 0:06:26 | |
Jalpa is disillusioned with the traditional methods of meeting a partner. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:31 | |
I need there to be a spark. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:33 | |
Like, obviously, loads of people do find their perfect other halves like this | 0:06:33 | 0:06:37 | |
but I don't think it's the way for me | 0:06:37 | 0:06:39 | |
to find the person I want to be with. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
But for Hasmita, | 0:06:41 | 0:06:43 | |
the introduction process has given her a fairytale ending. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:48 | |
She's getting married to Dipesh in India just four months after meeting him. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:53 | |
Going from a single girl to a married woman is a huge change | 0:06:55 | 0:06:58 | |
but I've had a long time to be a single girl | 0:06:58 | 0:07:03 | |
and now it's time to be a married woman. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
We had a great time together. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:07 | |
I'm so glad. It's once in a lifetime. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:08 | |
It's Ramadan and 22-year-old Naila, a devout Muslim, | 0:07:18 | 0:07:21 | |
is fasting and praying. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:23 | |
Her faith tells her that Allah is helping her search for a husband. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:29 | |
When I'm ready Allah will... | 0:07:30 | 0:07:33 | |
present the family and present the person, that is right. | 0:07:33 | 0:07:37 | |
It's all in his hands. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:38 | |
All I can do is do my best | 0:07:38 | 0:07:39 | |
because Allah doesn't help those who don't help themselves. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:43 | |
As a Muslim the right way is to go within the boundaries | 0:07:46 | 0:07:50 | |
that Islam has set for us in the form of the holy Koran. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:55 | |
Manchester Central Mosque's imam Muhammad Arshad Misbahi | 0:07:56 | 0:08:00 | |
counsels his members that there are strong reasons to be married. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:04 | |
It saves you and protects you and gives you a feeling of belonging | 0:08:04 | 0:08:10 | |
because the family is the basic unity of the larger society. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:15 | |
Muslims regard Islam as a complete way of life. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:20 | |
At Naila's local mosque, young men and women | 0:08:20 | 0:08:23 | |
attend a class on married life. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
If you marry someone that has a cleaner, | 0:08:25 | 0:08:28 | |
you have to also provide for the cleaner | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
that she's used to having come in... | 0:08:30 | 0:08:32 | |
The sexes are separated by a sheet. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
Observant single Muslims are not allowed to date | 0:08:34 | 0:08:37 | |
or even mix together. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:39 | |
Are there any sisters back there who have a cleaner | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
come in for five hours every week | 0:08:42 | 0:08:44 | |
cos, if yes, the brothers out here, they can't afford that. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:47 | 0:08:50 | |
It is commanded upon us not to mix freely. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
You don't necessarily want to be distracted by the opposite sex, for instance. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:58 | |
Many Muslims have their marriages arranged for them by their parents. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:04 | |
It's because a Muslim marriage is as much about the coming together of two families as two individuals. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:12 | |
Parents would visit each other for a number of times with the family | 0:09:12 | 0:09:17 | |
and observe the character and the manners and the attitude | 0:09:17 | 0:09:22 | |
and the background of the partner-to-be. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
Naila's mum is looking for a husband for her. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:30 | |
He must be practising, with a polite personality | 0:09:30 | 0:09:35 | |
and a good character. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:38 | |
A sort of laid back person. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:41 | |
That's what I'm looking for. | 0:09:41 | 0:09:44 | |
She's like the first hurdle. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
So it means that if she feels that somebody is suitable, | 0:09:46 | 0:09:50 | |
then I kind of have the opportunity to make my own mind up. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:54 | |
She's trusting me so I have to fulfil my responsibilities. | 0:09:54 | 0:10:03 | |
Not the actual wedding... | 0:10:05 | 0:10:07 | |
This week Naila's meeting someone for the first time | 0:10:07 | 0:10:10 | |
and she has called her imam for a pep talk. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:14 | |
It's the pressure of going into the meeting | 0:10:14 | 0:10:18 | |
and perhaps feeling like you won't like that person. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:25 | |
You're going to have to pluck up the courage to say no. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
'You're going to tell you mum, "No, I don't like him." | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
'Your mum's going to tell his mum then... | 0:10:31 | 0:10:33 | |
'There's three people of removal | 0:10:33 | 0:10:35 | |
'between you having to have that conversation with him. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:37 | |
'Right?' | 0:10:37 | 0:10:39 | |
My mum's sitting here going, | 0:10:39 | 0:10:40 | |
"Right, that's it, put everything on Mum's shoulders." | 0:10:40 | 0:10:45 | |
It highlighted to me that I'm in a much better position | 0:10:45 | 0:10:49 | |
than anybody that's going out there meeting somebody one-to-one | 0:10:49 | 0:10:53 | |
cos I don't have the pressures of what do I do if he's an ogre? | 0:10:53 | 0:10:59 | |
Naila's family has congregated to vet the visiting potential husband and his family. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:06 | |
She's worried about how she'll come across. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
You kind of need your personality to shine | 0:11:12 | 0:11:15 | |
and obviously with everybody in the room | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
and you've got your family and his family and his parents and yours | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
and everybody's kind of... How do you kind of let that come though? | 0:11:21 | 0:11:27 | |
23-year-old Zubair is looking for a wife to take back to Pakistan. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:34 | |
He's about to have his first introduction. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:37 | |
This is the first time I've spoken face-to-face | 0:11:37 | 0:11:40 | |
with a woman about marriage and it's peculiar. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:43 | |
It is very peculiar for me because I've never done it before. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:46 | |
But first he has to get through her dad. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:51 | |
I was born and raised in this country. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:53 | |
I moved to Pakistan when I was about 14 years old. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:56 | |
-Parents? -My parents are still in Lahore, sir. | 0:11:56 | 0:12:00 | |
Shall I leave you to have a chat to Hasana, my daughter? | 0:12:00 | 0:12:06 | |
Inshallah. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:07 | |
First thing is, what would you prefer in a guy as well. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:13 | |
Somebody who is quite calm. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:16 | |
Shall I go now? | 0:12:17 | 0:12:18 | |
All right. Pakistani origin - a necessity? | 0:12:19 | 0:12:23 | |
-No, Indian. -Indian. -Yeah. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
So, were you hoping to remain in the UK or were you looking to go back? | 0:12:25 | 0:12:29 | |
-I would like eventually to go back to Pakistan, yes. -Right. | 0:12:29 | 0:12:33 | |
What would you think about philanthropic work in different countries? | 0:12:33 | 0:12:37 | |
I think that would be a bit daunting. | 0:12:37 | 0:12:39 | |
I think I'm just going to call my parents. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:45 | |
Tell them that I met a girl and I liked her. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:47 | |
But the decision to see Zubair again is hers. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:51 | |
Generally in these circumstances, | 0:12:51 | 0:12:53 | |
it would be the girl who would dictate | 0:12:53 | 0:12:55 | |
whether she would want another meeting or not. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
So it's definitely putting us girls in the driver's seat. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:03 | |
At Naila's, the family gives their verdict on her first arranged introduction. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:09 | |
What did you think of him? | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
Honestly, I thought they were all right. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:15 | |
For the first meeting, it seemed all right. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:18 | |
Well, I'd say he's worthy of my sister. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:21 | |
-He's good enough for my sister. -Oh, so it just took one meeting for you to just say... -No, because... -Hooo! | 0:13:21 | 0:13:26 | |
But Naila's mum decides against a second meeting. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:32 | |
She thinks the boy's Pakistani upbringing | 0:13:32 | 0:13:34 | |
will clash with Naila's British sensibility. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:37 | |
I think that knowing me | 0:13:38 | 0:13:40 | |
and knowing how I am, my mum has sort of said that... | 0:13:40 | 0:13:45 | |
Reservations? | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
Yeah, she has a couple of reservations as to how | 0:13:47 | 0:13:49 | |
I would kind of cope in that situation. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
Zubair's learned Hasana doesn't want a second meeting | 0:13:53 | 0:13:57 | |
because she'd like to stay in the UK. | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
Today he's headed back to Pakistan. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:03 | |
The success was never in my hands anyway. | 0:14:03 | 0:14:07 | |
If you're a Muslim... Or if you believe in God, you believe that. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:11 | |
You believe that you try and God rewards the effort. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:14 | |
For both Naila and Zubair, | 0:14:16 | 0:14:18 | |
their belief in the arranged marriage system remains undimmed. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:21 | |
Evangelical Christians, even more than most Christians, | 0:14:30 | 0:14:34 | |
place a high priority on living strictly according to biblical principles | 0:14:34 | 0:14:39 | |
and on spreading the word of God to other people. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:42 | |
Those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:47 | |
Praise the Lord. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:48 | |
What does it feel like to know God? | 0:14:48 | 0:14:50 | |
Amazing. It's brilliant actually. It is fantastic. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:56 | |
I find myself often praying to God, talking to God. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
Before I speak, I'm talking to God. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
Before I do a show, | 0:15:01 | 0:15:02 | |
I'm talking with God. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:04 | |
I'd like to encourage you to get serious for God | 0:15:04 | 0:15:07 | |
cos he's serious about you. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
Really and truly, he's at the centre of my whole entire life. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:13 | |
But finding a partner when you're an evangelical Christian can be tough. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:20 | |
Falling in love is exciting, wonderful and brilliant. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:23 | |
But it's all within the context of God's will for them. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:27 | |
Joe works with young people at Hope City Church in Sheffield | 0:15:28 | 0:15:32 | |
and often finds herself advising them | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
when they're trying to find love whilst sticking to the rules. | 0:15:34 | 0:15:38 | |
Recommendations to follow would be not being together | 0:15:38 | 0:15:41 | |
too late at night when maybe your standards might slip | 0:15:41 | 0:15:45 | |
a little bit in your mind, you touch the body parts you've got yourself | 0:15:45 | 0:15:49 | |
and you don't touch the body parts you haven't got yourself. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:53 | |
Evangelical Christians date with the aim of marriage, | 0:15:53 | 0:15:58 | |
wait to have sex until they're married and believe in absolute faithfulness once they're wed. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:03 | |
I think marriage is important within Christianity | 0:16:04 | 0:16:08 | |
because family is the bedrock of society. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
Waiting to have sex in marriage is really important as a Christian. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:16 | |
27-year-old Katy has been single for five years and would like to get married. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:22 | |
But she's finding it difficult to meet someone who fits her criteria. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:26 | |
My outline of the right guy. | 0:16:26 | 0:16:29 | |
Number one is definitely that they have to be a Christian. | 0:16:29 | 0:16:32 | |
Number two is the whole drinker, smoker thing I'm not too keen on. | 0:16:32 | 0:16:36 | |
Quite high up the list, can sing or dance. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
And last but not least... | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
An American guy. Please! | 0:16:40 | 0:16:44 | |
Evangelical Christians believe God decides who and when you marry. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:49 | |
Some feel this means you shouldn't go looking for a partner. | 0:16:49 | 0:16:52 | |
Others feel it does no harm. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
How is he going to, you know, let you know | 0:16:55 | 0:16:58 | |
that perhaps that's the right one if your head's stuck in the Bible. | 0:16:58 | 0:17:02 | |
Not that you shouldn't read the Bible at the same time. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
Katy is headed to Creation Fest in Cornwall, | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
where there'll be committed Christian guys. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:11 | |
The Christian festival circuit's well-known as somewhere young people can meet a partner. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:15 | |
But even when she finds her perfect match, | 0:17:15 | 0:17:18 | |
he won't be her first priority. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:21 | |
If Jesus isn't number one, then ultimately you're trying | 0:17:21 | 0:17:25 | |
to put somebody else in place where he should be. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:29 | |
When she arrives, the signs are good. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:33 | |
I just found out 70 American volunteers... | 0:17:33 | 0:17:38 | |
Quite exciting. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:39 | |
At lunch, Katy catches up with the American volunteers | 0:17:41 | 0:17:45 | |
and one in particular, Jake, catches her eye. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:49 | |
Like Katy, he's a youth pastor | 0:17:49 | 0:17:51 | |
and sings and dances in a Christian band. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:55 | |
He seems to tick most of Katy's boxes. | 0:17:55 | 0:17:57 | |
So you're still from Californian? | 0:17:57 | 0:17:59 | |
Katy and Jake spend much of the next five days hanging out together. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:07 | |
God knows you're going through some hard times, but God's got a plan. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:11 | |
It's been awesome to meet you. | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
It's been good to meet you. I might stay tomorrow. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
The last thing I would have expected to meet | 0:18:16 | 0:18:18 | |
would be an American, Californian Christian. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:22 | |
That's just amazing, really. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:24 | |
But at the end, she still doesn't know how we feels. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:30 | |
Even when you go to a Christian singles event, | 0:18:31 | 0:18:34 | |
there might not be the right sort of Christian for you there. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:38 | |
Richard has been single for two years due to his busy career | 0:18:38 | 0:18:41 | |
as an evangelical television presenter. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:45 | |
I'd love to be married within a year, max a year-and-a-half. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:49 | |
Richard's come to a social event for young Christians | 0:18:49 | 0:18:53 | |
organised by one of the UK's most popular churches, Hillsong. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:57 | |
He's brought along his good friend Anna for moral support. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
But after less than half an hour, Richard thinks he's chosen | 0:19:03 | 0:19:07 | |
the wrong place to spot his future wife. | 0:19:07 | 0:19:10 | |
It's not just the flowing alcohol, | 0:19:10 | 0:19:12 | |
but how the other guests are dancing with each other, | 0:19:12 | 0:19:14 | |
that has offended his Christian beliefs. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:17 | |
It's not really the environment, | 0:19:17 | 0:19:19 | |
I guess, that I would find my life partner at, | 0:19:19 | 0:19:22 | |
because I would not expect my life partner to dance around | 0:19:22 | 0:19:25 | |
with other guys, or her lady friends in a very sexual way. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:28 | |
Katy and Jake both think they've found the one, | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
but with only two days before Jake leaves for the States, | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
they need to tell each other how they feel. | 0:19:38 | 0:19:41 | |
I guess when we met it was kind of like... | 0:19:41 | 0:19:43 | |
after meeting you, I really don't want anybody else. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
Like, I'd just be happy being with you. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:49 | |
My sister said it right, she said it's like God's hand picked you for me. | 0:19:49 | 0:19:53 | |
Cool. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
So we're on the same page? We can make it Facebook official? | 0:19:58 | 0:20:02 | |
Yeah. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:03 | |
But Jake won't be kissing Katy goodbye | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
because, like some evangelicals, | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
he doesn't believe in kissing before marriage. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:11 | |
I've actually never kissed anybody before. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:14 | |
It was something I just feel like | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
I want to have that just for my wife and her only. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
So we're going to wait until the day of the wedding to kiss. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:24 | |
At the moment I'm like, I don't really know | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
whether he wants to hold hands, or anything. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:30 | |
But Katy is persuaded that there are benefits to waiting. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:34 | |
It's a test of your faithfulness to the Church's teaching. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:37 | |
I think it's special if you can wait until the wedding day, | 0:20:37 | 0:20:40 | |
which is really, really hard, | 0:20:40 | 0:20:42 | |
oh my goodness, because I do like kissing a lot! | 0:20:42 | 0:20:47 | |
Katy is already planning a visit to California. | 0:20:47 | 0:20:49 | |
In a couple of months' time, she will be closer to finding out | 0:20:49 | 0:20:53 | |
whether Jake is really the man she is destined to marry | 0:20:53 | 0:20:57 | |
and whether their shared faith will bring them together. | 0:20:57 | 0:21:01 | |
Jake is kind of like everything I ever wanted in a guy | 0:21:02 | 0:21:06 | |
and just to know about God knows me in that detail | 0:21:06 | 0:21:09 | |
and that he cares about me that much | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
is kind of mind-blowing, really. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:15 | |
Richard's not found anyone yet but he's sure she's out there. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:26 | |
I need to find someone that matches my destination in life. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:31 | |
It's a journey and I look forward to finding them and meeting them | 0:21:31 | 0:21:36 | |
when that time and day comes. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:37 | |
CHANTING | 0:21:45 | 0:21:47 | |
In Judaism, tradition and practice is as important as religious belief. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:54 | |
I'd describe myself as culturally or traditionally Jewish as opposed to religiously Jewish. | 0:21:59 | 0:22:04 | |
For example, I had a Jewish education, I had a Bar Mitzvah, | 0:22:04 | 0:22:08 | |
I can read and write Hebrew and I try and go out with Jewish girls. | 0:22:08 | 0:22:13 | |
Though that's not really worked. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:15 | |
Marriage is believed to be the ideal state in Judaism. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:19 | |
It is for love companionship, not just the bringing up of children. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:24 | |
It's decreed in heaven this man and this woman are meant for each other. | 0:22:24 | 0:22:30 | |
Each one is a half of a soul. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
When they get married, | 0:22:32 | 0:22:34 | |
the event is the reunion, the soul becoming complete again. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:39 | |
Rabbi Lou acts as a matchmaker and relationship counsellor | 0:22:41 | 0:22:44 | |
to the Jewish community. | 0:22:44 | 0:22:46 | |
He knows that for many Jews the decision to marry | 0:22:46 | 0:22:49 | |
in or out of the religion is one of the biggest they will ever face. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
The Torah tells us we're not supposed to marry | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
someone from a different faith. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:58 | |
When a person marries outside of the religion, | 0:22:58 | 0:23:02 | |
it's a statement that religion | 0:23:02 | 0:23:06 | |
is not relevant to this marriage. | 0:23:06 | 0:23:10 | |
22-year-old Natalie is a law student living in north London, | 0:23:10 | 0:23:15 | |
one of the UK's most densely Jewish areas. | 0:23:15 | 0:23:18 | |
Despite this, she is struggling to find a Jewish boyfriend, | 0:23:18 | 0:23:21 | |
possibly because her wish list is so specific. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:24 | |
My checklist for a guy - broad shoulders, | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
quite well-built and someone that won't bore me. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:30 | |
And he has to be ambitious. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:32 | |
All I know this that they have to be tall. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:36 | |
On top of that, being a modern Orthodox Jew, | 0:23:36 | 0:23:40 | |
Natalie wants to find a guy who shares her level of observance. | 0:23:40 | 0:23:44 | |
Orthodox Jews believe the laws set out in the Torah are final. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:48 | |
Natalie spends every Friday night with her grandparents | 0:23:48 | 0:23:51 | |
for the dinner that brings in the Sabbath. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:53 | |
Elohim bayom hash'vi'i... | 0:23:53 | 0:23:57 | |
she also keeps kosher, which is a set of dietary laws | 0:23:57 | 0:23:59 | |
set out in the Torah. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:02 | |
So here you've got the oven, cooker and a sink, | 0:24:02 | 0:24:06 | |
so all the meat utensils are separate from this side of the kitchen, | 0:24:06 | 0:24:10 | |
which is the milk side. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
Different branches of Judaism date in different ways. | 0:24:15 | 0:24:19 | |
Hasidic Jews, who live most strictly according to Jewish laws, | 0:24:19 | 0:24:23 | |
use the Shidduch system where they're introduced by rabbis | 0:24:23 | 0:24:26 | |
and matchmakers because there's little mixing between the sexes. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:30 | |
In the conventional Western style, | 0:24:30 | 0:24:33 | |
it takes a long time until you find out about the person, | 0:24:33 | 0:24:37 | |
and even longer about history or other related things | 0:24:37 | 0:24:42 | |
that you might have wanted to know earlier. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:46 | |
In the Shidduch system, all of that homework is done | 0:24:46 | 0:24:49 | |
by trusted people beforehand. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:51 | |
With only 300,000 Jewish people in the UK, | 0:24:53 | 0:24:56 | |
even non-Hasidics like Natalie | 0:24:56 | 0:24:58 | |
will use a traditional matchmaker to find a partner. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:01 | |
She has come to see Linda, | 0:25:01 | 0:25:04 | |
who has introduced thousands of Jewish singles | 0:25:04 | 0:25:06 | |
over the past 20 years. | 0:25:06 | 0:25:08 | |
-Hi. -Hi. It's nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:12 | |
But even Linda could have her work cut out with Natalie. | 0:25:12 | 0:25:15 | |
-You're making a bit of a list here. -That's why I'm single. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:18 | |
OK, we might try and cut this down a bit, OK. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:21 | |
I think that the height thing is... | 0:25:21 | 0:25:25 | |
I think it should be negotiable. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
It's just not. | 0:25:27 | 0:25:28 | |
It's just so not that I'd actually rather date a 35-year-old | 0:25:28 | 0:25:32 | |
-that was six-foot-four than a 25-year-old that was five-foot-four. -OK, OK. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:36 | |
-Thank you very much. -OK, bye. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:39 | |
I think it's not going to be easy. | 0:25:39 | 0:25:42 | |
I think she's got very, very set ideas of what she wants. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:45 | |
-Hey, Laura. -Hi. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:46 | |
Richard is in a dilemma. | 0:25:46 | 0:25:48 | |
He has recently started seeing someone | 0:25:48 | 0:25:50 | |
who he really likes, called Laura. | 0:25:50 | 0:25:53 | |
The only problem is that she's not Jewish. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:56 | |
HE READS SCRIPTURE | 0:25:59 | 0:26:01 | |
'I don't think my family would be too pleased if I married someone non-Jewish. It's like | 0:26:01 | 0:26:05 | |
'rejecting everything they've taught me.' | 0:26:05 | 0:26:07 | |
If Richard wanted to marry someone who wasn't Jewish, I would be... | 0:26:07 | 0:26:11 | |
I would be very upset. | 0:26:11 | 0:26:13 | |
'He's always said that he wants his children to be Jewish,' | 0:26:13 | 0:26:17 | |
so that means he has to marry a Jewish girl. | 0:26:17 | 0:26:20 | |
Trying to counteract his feelings for Laura and find a Jewish partner | 0:26:23 | 0:26:27 | |
instead, Richard has come to Jewish speed-dating. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:31 | |
-How are you doing? You all right? -How are you? | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
-But he's frustrated by his limited choice. -Nice to meet you. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:38 | |
-I'm Richard. -Hello. I'm Natalie. -Nice to meet you, Natalie. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:41 | |
-I'm from Manchester. -Manchester's great. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:45 | |
-Do you know it, yeah? -Yeah. | 0:26:45 | 0:26:47 | |
-Do you know any people over there? -Um... | 0:26:47 | 0:26:50 | |
Mark Mickler? | 0:26:50 | 0:26:51 | |
-Yeah, I know Mark... Wait, you used to go out with Mark Mickler, didn't you? -Yes. | 0:26:51 | 0:26:55 | |
I recognise you. I met you at one of his best friends' weddings, yeah. | 0:26:55 | 0:27:01 | |
-I'll move on. -Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you too. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
See, that's how close this Jewish community is. It's crazy. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:08 | |
There were only three girls there tonight and I actually knew one of them. | 0:27:08 | 0:27:12 | |
Richard signs up to the world's largest Jewish dating site | 0:27:13 | 0:27:16 | |
but because of his feelings for non-Jewish Laura, | 0:27:16 | 0:27:20 | |
he's unable to see anyone on it he wants to message. | 0:27:20 | 0:27:23 | |
I can't even see any Jewish girls out there that I like, who I want to be with. | 0:27:23 | 0:27:27 | |
There's Laura on the other side, who's absolutely stunning. | 0:27:27 | 0:27:31 | |
I have such a laugh with her, and she's not Jewish, | 0:27:31 | 0:27:33 | |
so, you know, are you saying I've got to be single now? | 0:27:33 | 0:27:37 | |
I can't be happy? | 0:27:37 | 0:27:38 | |
Richard isn't ready to choose head over heart and finish with Laura. | 0:27:41 | 0:27:45 | |
Instead, he decides to take her out for her birthday. | 0:27:45 | 0:27:49 | |
I've got this conflicting opinion in my head about what to do because | 0:27:49 | 0:27:54 | |
she is absolutely amazing and it is getting a little bit more serious. | 0:27:54 | 0:27:59 | |
-Hi, Laura. So nice to see you. You all right? -Yes, thanks. | 0:27:59 | 0:28:03 | |
'He's taking me out for dinner tonight, which is really nice.' | 0:28:03 | 0:28:07 | |
Yeah, I do like him. He's funny, I get on well with him, | 0:28:07 | 0:28:10 | |
-I have a good time when I'm with him. -OK, so, happy birthday, Laura. 26. | 0:28:10 | 0:28:14 | |
-Thanks. -It's a good age. | 0:28:14 | 0:28:16 | |
The main thing is a card which I've written to her, | 0:28:16 | 0:28:19 | |
just saying that I do have strong feelings for her. | 0:28:19 | 0:28:22 | |
It'll be a hard decision to make but if I leave it any longer, it'll be even harder. | 0:28:22 | 0:28:28 | |
Natalie is still searching for her Mr Right, but for her, | 0:28:28 | 0:28:31 | |
like many Jews, the decision whether to marry in or out is much clearer. | 0:28:31 | 0:28:36 | |
To continue the tradition, the Jewish family values, | 0:28:36 | 0:28:40 | |
my husband has to be Jewish, otherwise it won't work. | 0:28:40 | 0:28:44 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:29:03 | 0:29:06 |