Learning Zone Strictly Soulmates


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Hinduism is not a single religion

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but a vast collection of diverse religious traditions.

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The god that we believe in is the one in the middle.

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Mum always ensured that we understood and respected religion

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and tried to follow it in every way we can.

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Marriage is at the centre of the religion.

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Alpa Saujani is a matchmaker to the Hindu community.

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A lot of Hinduism focuses around family, culture and values

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so it's the meeting not only of man and wife,

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it's also the integration of a family.

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But it's not easy finding a partner

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when you're young, British and Hindu.

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Within Hindu you want somebody who's Gujarati

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and within Gujarati you want somebody who is Patel

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and within Patel you want somebody that's in a certain village.

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Ultimately, you're just left with a handful of people that you can possibly marry.

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At almost 29, Hasmita is considered old to be single,

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and is struggling to find a partner.

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It doesn't help that she has a long wish list.

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Ideally non-smoking.

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Not someone who's completely teetotal because...

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that would be boring.

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Someone who's, you know, who knows themselves,

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knows what they want out of life.

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He also has to originate from a particular village in India.

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For me, it's a big issue if a boy I'm looking for comes from Madhapar.

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That's where all my mum's family is.

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With pressure from her mum mounting,

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Hasmita has come to see some matchmakers to the community.

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-Hi.

-Hi.

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How old are you?

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I'm going to be 29 next month.

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It's not wasting my life.

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Yeah, you need to find someone.

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Well, YOU need to find ME someone!

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Although it is traditional for Hindu parents to find their children a partner,

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it's a big step for some young Hindus to allow them to.

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25-year-old student Jalpa Patel has recently asked her parents to find her someone to marry.

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I told them, "Listen,

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"if there is anyone you have in mind,

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"let me know. I'll think about it, I'll speak to them and we'll see what happens."

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Like many young Hindus,

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Jalpa's close to her parents and trusts them to make a match.

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He's a typical dad so his reaction when I told him was ecstatic.

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He was so happy and just like, "Oh, really? Oh, wow!"

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He was on the phone straightaway talking to his friend.

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I don't know if I done the right thing but it's worth a try really

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so I've got nothing to lose in any way whatsoever.

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Parents put out feelers to friends and family

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and then your mum will get a phone call

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to say there's xyz boy, for example,

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and you'll then talk to the boy

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and decide whether to go on a date with him or not.

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Today, Jalpa is going on her first ever introduction.

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His name is Viral and he works in the City.

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His aunt is friends with Jalpa's family.

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-Hello, hello, hello.

-Hi, Jalpa.

-Hi, how are you?

-Nice to meet you.

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My grandma met my grandad when she sat next to him to get married to him.

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That's the first time she met him. She was 16 years old.

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-Shall we grab a coffee?

-Yeah, sure.

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Nowadays, arranged is being introduced to someone through someone.

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All I know about her is pretty much her name

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and a bit about what she does but not too much detail.

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-So you've got an older brother or a younger brother?

-Older.

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He's 27, yeah.

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-You don't have any sisters though?

-No. Just one older brother.

-Cool.

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I wouldn't have been like that on a normal date.

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All the stuff that he was saying, it's like your whole CV,

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but your personal CV cos, well...

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SHE LAUGHS

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When Jalpa gets home, her mum wants to know how it went.

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There just wasn't a spark. There wasn't, you know, like, excitement.

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-It didn't click.

-No, Mother, it didn't click.

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Through a family introduction,

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Hasmita's been getting to know someone called Dipesh

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who, amazingly, comes from her village in India.

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But she's never met him

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because he lives over 4,000 miles away in Dubai.

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He's got a lot of pictures of his nieces and nephews

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and when I speak to him, he sounds incredibly family-orientated.

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It just helps create a picture of someone.

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What their interests are and things.

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Hasmita has decided to visit Dipesh in Dubai on her own for two weeks.

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Her friend Martina has some words of warning.

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Oh, my God, the only point of contact you have

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is through Google Talk, e-mails or phone calls.

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You've never him, you don't know what he's like.

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Yeah, but that's because he fits my list.

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Is it because your family know him?

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Yeah. There's definitely comfort in the fact my aunt knows him.

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OK, he's a random stranger to me

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but to my family, he's not a random stranger.

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Even though her parents are looking, Jalpa has met someone herself.

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A boy called Diep.

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But she's reluctant to tell her parents about him

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until she's sure he's serious.

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I'm trying to keep my options open because I don't know where it's heading.

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Cos nothing's kind of been said that we're together.

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I feel we bounce off each other really well. I have a laugh with her.

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I won!

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I have a fair idea of what she wants.

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As girls do fairytales and she's dreaming...

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-It worries me.

-What worries you?

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The preparing for a wedding.

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In Dubai, Hasmita has met Dipesh for the first time.

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Despite only having been there for a few days

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they both think they've found the one.

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It feels really familiar. Like I know him.

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Was there ever a point where you thought we have a good connection?

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What do you think?

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We were really relaxed and then he's like,

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"Yeah, we should got for it." I'm like, "Go for what?"

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He's like, "We should go for it. Get married."

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Everything I wanted has just fallen into place.

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CHEERING

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Jalpa is disillusioned with the traditional methods of meeting a partner.

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I need there to be a spark.

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Like, obviously, loads of people do find their perfect other halves like this

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but I don't think it's the way for me

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to find the person I want to be with.

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But for Hasmita,

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the introduction process has given her a fairytale ending.

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She's getting married to Dipesh in India just four months after meeting him.

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Going from a single girl to a married woman is a huge change

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but I've had a long time to be a single girl

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and now it's time to be a married woman.

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We had a great time together.

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I'm so glad. It's once in a lifetime.

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It's Ramadan and 22-year-old Naila, a devout Muslim,

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is fasting and praying.

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Her faith tells her that Allah is helping her search for a husband.

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When I'm ready Allah will...

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present the family and present the person, that is right.

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It's all in his hands.

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All I can do is do my best

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because Allah doesn't help those who don't help themselves.

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As a Muslim the right way is to go within the boundaries

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that Islam has set for us in the form of the holy Koran.

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Manchester Central Mosque's imam Muhammad Arshad Misbahi

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counsels his members that there are strong reasons to be married.

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It saves you and protects you and gives you a feeling of belonging

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because the family is the basic unity of the larger society.

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Muslims regard Islam as a complete way of life.

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At Naila's local mosque, young men and women

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attend a class on married life.

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If you marry someone that has a cleaner,

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you have to also provide for the cleaner

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that she's used to having come in...

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The sexes are separated by a sheet.

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Observant single Muslims are not allowed to date

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or even mix together.

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Are there any sisters back there who have a cleaner

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come in for five hours every week

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cos, if yes, the brothers out here, they can't afford that.

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LAUGHTER

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It is commanded upon us not to mix freely.

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You don't necessarily want to be distracted by the opposite sex, for instance.

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Many Muslims have their marriages arranged for them by their parents.

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It's because a Muslim marriage is as much about the coming together of two families as two individuals.

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Parents would visit each other for a number of times with the family

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and observe the character and the manners and the attitude

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and the background of the partner-to-be.

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Naila's mum is looking for a husband for her.

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He must be practising, with a polite personality

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and a good character.

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A sort of laid back person.

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That's what I'm looking for.

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She's like the first hurdle.

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So it means that if she feels that somebody is suitable,

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then I kind of have the opportunity to make my own mind up.

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She's trusting me so I have to fulfil my responsibilities.

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Not the actual wedding...

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This week Naila's meeting someone for the first time

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and she has called her imam for a pep talk.

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It's the pressure of going into the meeting

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and perhaps feeling like you won't like that person.

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You're going to have to pluck up the courage to say no.

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'You're going to tell you mum, "No, I don't like him."

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'Your mum's going to tell his mum then...

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'There's three people of removal

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'between you having to have that conversation with him.

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'Right?'

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My mum's sitting here going,

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"Right, that's it, put everything on Mum's shoulders."

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It highlighted to me that I'm in a much better position

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than anybody that's going out there meeting somebody one-to-one

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cos I don't have the pressures of what do I do if he's an ogre?

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Naila's family has congregated to vet the visiting potential husband and his family.

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She's worried about how she'll come across.

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You kind of need your personality to shine

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and obviously with everybody in the room

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and you've got your family and his family and his parents and yours

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and everybody's kind of... How do you kind of let that come though?

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23-year-old Zubair is looking for a wife to take back to Pakistan.

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He's about to have his first introduction.

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This is the first time I've spoken face-to-face

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with a woman about marriage and it's peculiar.

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It is very peculiar for me because I've never done it before.

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But first he has to get through her dad.

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I was born and raised in this country.

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I moved to Pakistan when I was about 14 years old.

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-Parents?

-My parents are still in Lahore, sir.

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Shall I leave you to have a chat to Hasana, my daughter?

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Inshallah.

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First thing is, what would you prefer in a guy as well.

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Somebody who is quite calm.

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Shall I go now?

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All right. Pakistani origin - a necessity?

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-No, Indian.

-Indian.

-Yeah.

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So, were you hoping to remain in the UK or were you looking to go back?

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-I would like eventually to go back to Pakistan, yes.

-Right.

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What would you think about philanthropic work in different countries?

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I think that would be a bit daunting.

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I think I'm just going to call my parents.

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Tell them that I met a girl and I liked her.

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But the decision to see Zubair again is hers.

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Generally in these circumstances,

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it would be the girl who would dictate

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whether she would want another meeting or not.

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So it's definitely putting us girls in the driver's seat.

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At Naila's, the family gives their verdict on her first arranged introduction.

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What did you think of him?

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Honestly, I thought they were all right.

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For the first meeting, it seemed all right.

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Well, I'd say he's worthy of my sister.

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-He's good enough for my sister.

-Oh, so it just took one meeting for you to just say...

-No, because...

-Hooo!

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But Naila's mum decides against a second meeting.

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She thinks the boy's Pakistani upbringing

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will clash with Naila's British sensibility.

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I think that knowing me

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and knowing how I am, my mum has sort of said that...

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Reservations?

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Yeah, she has a couple of reservations as to how

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I would kind of cope in that situation.

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Zubair's learned Hasana doesn't want a second meeting

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because she'd like to stay in the UK.

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Today he's headed back to Pakistan.

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The success was never in my hands anyway.

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If you're a Muslim... Or if you believe in God, you believe that.

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You believe that you try and God rewards the effort.

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For both Naila and Zubair,

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their belief in the arranged marriage system remains undimmed.

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Evangelical Christians, even more than most Christians,

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place a high priority on living strictly according to biblical principles

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and on spreading the word of God to other people.

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Those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing.

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Praise the Lord.

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What does it feel like to know God?

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Amazing. It's brilliant actually. It is fantastic.

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I find myself often praying to God, talking to God.

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Before I speak, I'm talking to God.

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Before I do a show,

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I'm talking with God.

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I'd like to encourage you to get serious for God

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cos he's serious about you.

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Really and truly, he's at the centre of my whole entire life.

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But finding a partner when you're an evangelical Christian can be tough.

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Falling in love is exciting, wonderful and brilliant.

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But it's all within the context of God's will for them.

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Joe works with young people at Hope City Church in Sheffield

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and often finds herself advising them

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when they're trying to find love whilst sticking to the rules.

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Recommendations to follow would be not being together

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too late at night when maybe your standards might slip

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a little bit in your mind, you touch the body parts you've got yourself

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and you don't touch the body parts you haven't got yourself.

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Evangelical Christians date with the aim of marriage,

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wait to have sex until they're married and believe in absolute faithfulness once they're wed.

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I think marriage is important within Christianity

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because family is the bedrock of society.

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Waiting to have sex in marriage is really important as a Christian.

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27-year-old Katy has been single for five years and would like to get married.

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But she's finding it difficult to meet someone who fits her criteria.

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My outline of the right guy.

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Number one is definitely that they have to be a Christian.

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Number two is the whole drinker, smoker thing I'm not too keen on.

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Quite high up the list, can sing or dance.

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And last but not least...

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An American guy. Please!

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Evangelical Christians believe God decides who and when you marry.

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Some feel this means you shouldn't go looking for a partner.

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Others feel it does no harm.

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How is he going to, you know, let you know

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that perhaps that's the right one if your head's stuck in the Bible.

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Not that you shouldn't read the Bible at the same time.

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Katy is headed to Creation Fest in Cornwall,

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where there'll be committed Christian guys.

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The Christian festival circuit's well-known as somewhere young people can meet a partner.

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But even when she finds her perfect match,

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he won't be her first priority.

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If Jesus isn't number one, then ultimately you're trying

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to put somebody else in place where he should be.

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When she arrives, the signs are good.

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I just found out 70 American volunteers...

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Quite exciting.

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At lunch, Katy catches up with the American volunteers

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and one in particular, Jake, catches her eye.

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Like Katy, he's a youth pastor

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and sings and dances in a Christian band.

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He seems to tick most of Katy's boxes.

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So you're still from Californian?

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Katy and Jake spend much of the next five days hanging out together.

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God knows you're going through some hard times, but God's got a plan.

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It's been awesome to meet you.

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It's been good to meet you. I might stay tomorrow.

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The last thing I would have expected to meet

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would be an American, Californian Christian.

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That's just amazing, really.

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But at the end, she still doesn't know how we feels.

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Even when you go to a Christian singles event,

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there might not be the right sort of Christian for you there.

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Richard has been single for two years due to his busy career

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as an evangelical television presenter.

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I'd love to be married within a year, max a year-and-a-half.

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Richard's come to a social event for young Christians

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organised by one of the UK's most popular churches, Hillsong.

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He's brought along his good friend Anna for moral support.

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But after less than half an hour, Richard thinks he's chosen

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the wrong place to spot his future wife.

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It's not just the flowing alcohol,

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but how the other guests are dancing with each other,

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that has offended his Christian beliefs.

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It's not really the environment,

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I guess, that I would find my life partner at,

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because I would not expect my life partner to dance around

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with other guys, or her lady friends in a very sexual way.

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Katy and Jake both think they've found the one,

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but with only two days before Jake leaves for the States,

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they need to tell each other how they feel.

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I guess when we met it was kind of like...

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after meeting you, I really don't want anybody else.

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Like, I'd just be happy being with you.

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My sister said it right, she said it's like God's hand picked you for me.

0:19:490:19:53

Cool.

0:19:530:19:55

So we're on the same page? We can make it Facebook official?

0:19:580:20:02

Yeah.

0:20:020:20:03

But Jake won't be kissing Katy goodbye

0:20:030:20:06

because, like some evangelicals,

0:20:060:20:08

he doesn't believe in kissing before marriage.

0:20:080:20:11

I've actually never kissed anybody before.

0:20:110:20:14

It was something I just feel like

0:20:140:20:16

I want to have that just for my wife and her only.

0:20:160:20:19

So we're going to wait until the day of the wedding to kiss.

0:20:190:20:24

At the moment I'm like, I don't really know

0:20:240:20:27

whether he wants to hold hands, or anything.

0:20:270:20:30

But Katy is persuaded that there are benefits to waiting.

0:20:300:20:34

It's a test of your faithfulness to the Church's teaching.

0:20:340:20:37

I think it's special if you can wait until the wedding day,

0:20:370:20:40

which is really, really hard,

0:20:400:20:42

oh my goodness, because I do like kissing a lot!

0:20:420:20:47

Katy is already planning a visit to California.

0:20:470:20:49

In a couple of months' time, she will be closer to finding out

0:20:490:20:53

whether Jake is really the man she is destined to marry

0:20:530:20:57

and whether their shared faith will bring them together.

0:20:570:21:01

Jake is kind of like everything I ever wanted in a guy

0:21:020:21:06

and just to know about God knows me in that detail

0:21:060:21:09

and that he cares about me that much

0:21:090:21:12

is kind of mind-blowing, really.

0:21:120:21:15

Richard's not found anyone yet but he's sure she's out there.

0:21:210:21:26

I need to find someone that matches my destination in life.

0:21:260:21:31

It's a journey and I look forward to finding them and meeting them

0:21:310:21:36

when that time and day comes.

0:21:360:21:37

CHANTING

0:21:450:21:47

In Judaism, tradition and practice is as important as religious belief.

0:21:500:21:54

I'd describe myself as culturally or traditionally Jewish as opposed to religiously Jewish.

0:21:590:22:04

For example, I had a Jewish education, I had a Bar Mitzvah,

0:22:040:22:08

I can read and write Hebrew and I try and go out with Jewish girls.

0:22:080:22:13

Though that's not really worked.

0:22:130:22:15

Marriage is believed to be the ideal state in Judaism.

0:22:150:22:19

It is for love companionship, not just the bringing up of children.

0:22:190:22:24

It's decreed in heaven this man and this woman are meant for each other.

0:22:240:22:30

Each one is a half of a soul.

0:22:300:22:32

When they get married,

0:22:320:22:34

the event is the reunion, the soul becoming complete again.

0:22:340:22:39

Rabbi Lou acts as a matchmaker and relationship counsellor

0:22:410:22:44

to the Jewish community.

0:22:440:22:46

He knows that for many Jews the decision to marry

0:22:460:22:49

in or out of the religion is one of the biggest they will ever face.

0:22:490:22:52

The Torah tells us we're not supposed to marry

0:22:520:22:55

someone from a different faith.

0:22:550:22:58

When a person marries outside of the religion,

0:22:580:23:02

it's a statement that religion

0:23:020:23:06

is not relevant to this marriage.

0:23:060:23:10

22-year-old Natalie is a law student living in north London,

0:23:100:23:15

one of the UK's most densely Jewish areas.

0:23:150:23:18

Despite this, she is struggling to find a Jewish boyfriend,

0:23:180:23:21

possibly because her wish list is so specific.

0:23:210:23:24

My checklist for a guy - broad shoulders,

0:23:240:23:27

quite well-built and someone that won't bore me.

0:23:270:23:30

And he has to be ambitious.

0:23:300:23:32

All I know this that they have to be tall.

0:23:320:23:36

On top of that, being a modern Orthodox Jew,

0:23:360:23:40

Natalie wants to find a guy who shares her level of observance.

0:23:400:23:44

Orthodox Jews believe the laws set out in the Torah are final.

0:23:440:23:48

Natalie spends every Friday night with her grandparents

0:23:480:23:51

for the dinner that brings in the Sabbath.

0:23:510:23:53

Elohim bayom hash'vi'i...

0:23:530:23:57

she also keeps kosher, which is a set of dietary laws

0:23:570:23:59

set out in the Torah.

0:23:590:24:02

So here you've got the oven, cooker and a sink,

0:24:020:24:06

so all the meat utensils are separate from this side of the kitchen,

0:24:060:24:10

which is the milk side.

0:24:100:24:12

Different branches of Judaism date in different ways.

0:24:150:24:19

Hasidic Jews, who live most strictly according to Jewish laws,

0:24:190:24:23

use the Shidduch system where they're introduced by rabbis

0:24:230:24:26

and matchmakers because there's little mixing between the sexes.

0:24:260:24:30

In the conventional Western style,

0:24:300:24:33

it takes a long time until you find out about the person,

0:24:330:24:37

and even longer about history or other related things

0:24:370:24:42

that you might have wanted to know earlier.

0:24:420:24:46

In the Shidduch system, all of that homework is done

0:24:460:24:49

by trusted people beforehand.

0:24:490:24:51

With only 300,000 Jewish people in the UK,

0:24:530:24:56

even non-Hasidics like Natalie

0:24:560:24:58

will use a traditional matchmaker to find a partner.

0:24:580:25:01

She has come to see Linda,

0:25:010:25:04

who has introduced thousands of Jewish singles

0:25:040:25:06

over the past 20 years.

0:25:060:25:08

-Hi.

-Hi. It's nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

0:25:080:25:12

But even Linda could have her work cut out with Natalie.

0:25:120:25:15

-You're making a bit of a list here.

-That's why I'm single.

0:25:150:25:18

OK, we might try and cut this down a bit, OK.

0:25:180:25:21

I think that the height thing is...

0:25:210:25:25

I think it should be negotiable.

0:25:250:25:27

It's just not.

0:25:270:25:28

It's just so not that I'd actually rather date a 35-year-old

0:25:280:25:32

-that was six-foot-four than a 25-year-old that was five-foot-four.

-OK, OK.

0:25:320:25:36

-Thank you very much.

-OK, bye.

0:25:360:25:39

I think it's not going to be easy.

0:25:390:25:42

I think she's got very, very set ideas of what she wants.

0:25:420:25:45

-Hey, Laura.

-Hi.

0:25:450:25:46

Richard is in a dilemma.

0:25:460:25:48

He has recently started seeing someone

0:25:480:25:50

who he really likes, called Laura.

0:25:500:25:53

The only problem is that she's not Jewish.

0:25:530:25:56

HE READS SCRIPTURE

0:25:590:26:01

'I don't think my family would be too pleased if I married someone non-Jewish. It's like

0:26:010:26:05

'rejecting everything they've taught me.'

0:26:050:26:07

If Richard wanted to marry someone who wasn't Jewish, I would be...

0:26:070:26:11

I would be very upset.

0:26:110:26:13

'He's always said that he wants his children to be Jewish,'

0:26:130:26:17

so that means he has to marry a Jewish girl.

0:26:170:26:20

Trying to counteract his feelings for Laura and find a Jewish partner

0:26:230:26:27

instead, Richard has come to Jewish speed-dating.

0:26:270:26:31

-How are you doing? You all right?

-How are you?

0:26:310:26:33

-But he's frustrated by his limited choice.

-Nice to meet you.

0:26:330:26:38

-I'm Richard.

-Hello. I'm Natalie.

-Nice to meet you, Natalie.

0:26:380:26:41

-I'm from Manchester.

-Manchester's great.

0:26:410:26:45

-Do you know it, yeah?

-Yeah.

0:26:450:26:47

-Do you know any people over there?

-Um...

0:26:470:26:50

Mark Mickler?

0:26:500:26:51

-Yeah, I know Mark... Wait, you used to go out with Mark Mickler, didn't you?

-Yes.

0:26:510:26:55

I recognise you. I met you at one of his best friends' weddings, yeah.

0:26:550:27:01

-I'll move on.

-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you too.

0:27:010:27:04

See, that's how close this Jewish community is. It's crazy.

0:27:040:27:08

There were only three girls there tonight and I actually knew one of them.

0:27:080:27:12

Richard signs up to the world's largest Jewish dating site

0:27:130:27:16

but because of his feelings for non-Jewish Laura,

0:27:160:27:20

he's unable to see anyone on it he wants to message.

0:27:200:27:23

I can't even see any Jewish girls out there that I like, who I want to be with.

0:27:230:27:27

There's Laura on the other side, who's absolutely stunning.

0:27:270:27:31

I have such a laugh with her, and she's not Jewish,

0:27:310:27:33

so, you know, are you saying I've got to be single now?

0:27:330:27:37

I can't be happy?

0:27:370:27:38

Richard isn't ready to choose head over heart and finish with Laura.

0:27:410:27:45

Instead, he decides to take her out for her birthday.

0:27:450:27:49

I've got this conflicting opinion in my head about what to do because

0:27:490:27:54

she is absolutely amazing and it is getting a little bit more serious.

0:27:540:27:59

-Hi, Laura. So nice to see you. You all right?

-Yes, thanks.

0:27:590:28:03

'He's taking me out for dinner tonight, which is really nice.'

0:28:030:28:07

Yeah, I do like him. He's funny, I get on well with him,

0:28:070:28:10

-I have a good time when I'm with him.

-OK, so, happy birthday, Laura. 26.

0:28:100:28:14

-Thanks.

-It's a good age.

0:28:140:28:16

The main thing is a card which I've written to her,

0:28:160:28:19

just saying that I do have strong feelings for her.

0:28:190:28:22

It'll be a hard decision to make but if I leave it any longer, it'll be even harder.

0:28:220:28:28

Natalie is still searching for her Mr Right, but for her,

0:28:280:28:31

like many Jews, the decision whether to marry in or out is much clearer.

0:28:310:28:36

To continue the tradition, the Jewish family values,

0:28:360:28:40

my husband has to be Jewish, otherwise it won't work.

0:28:400:28:44

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