Happy People Celebrate Christmas The Call Centre

This programme contains strong language.

Over a million people now work in UK call centres,

with an average age of just 26.

-PHONE:

-I'm not interested, thanks.

-PHONE:

-I think it's all a scam, to be honest.

They are the factories of our time.

But here, at the third-largest call centre in Swansea,

the only things being made are the cold calls we dread.

PHONE: No, no, no.

-PHONE:

-Stop bloody bothering me.

-PHONE:

-I don't want these calls,

especially not at 7 o'clock in the evening.

Holding the reins is CEO Nev Wilshire.

With over half of his sales agents under 25,

Nev has developed a unique approach

to keeping his young workforce on their toes.

Sum up my management style?

Get out of my office!

The yawn at the back, get out!

Probably Napoleon, dictator.

Tell her she's sacked, then.

But his troops loved him.

He's awful, absolutely awful.

And with a sales floor simmering with stress...

-PHONE:

-Piss off.

This ain't funny - no, this ain't funny,

cos he could have broke it.

I'm going to kill someone.

-..sex...

-Rarrr!

..and success...

I'm almost getting a little excited in my pants right now.

SHOUTING

..there's never a dull day

when you work at this Swansea call centre.

There's winners and there's losers and that's it.

CHEERING

To be in charge of 700 people sometimes is daunting,

but I love it, absolutely love it.

Welcome to Nev's world.

MUSIC: "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney

# The moon is right... #

Well, what we're looking at doing is helping you save money,

maybe you can save a little bit of money for Christmas coming up?

-PHONE:

-Everybody seems to want to save me money, but no thank you.

Yeah, this time of year, we...

DIAL TONE

It's Nationwide Energy,

it's regarding schemes to replace boilers.

-PHONE:

-No, thank you.

# Santa baby, now hurry down the chimney tonight. #

OK, it's Christmas, who's in charge here?

For call centre CEO Nev Wilshire, it's been a hell of a year.

He's lost contracts and had to let some staff go,

but Nev thinks nothing rallies the troops

quite like Christmas.

Right, see this shit?

We've got Christmas decorations coming up now, right?

Adorn the place then -

and don't tell me you're busy, cos I know.

I haven't had a lunch break, Nev.

But Nev's doing Christmas and lunch on a budget.

-Does anybody want a cockle?

-No, thank you.

-She can't have one, she's pregnant.

-Pregnant lady's getting a cockle.

She can't have one!

Not stuffing it up there.

-Do you want to buy a cockle?

-Ugh, that's disgusting.

They're not disgusting, they're cockles.

I do love Christmas -

Christmas is a really good, happy time

and it's a time of bringing people together.

And the camaraderie that we have in the call centre

gets galvanised that little bit more.

You've got the happy buzz around the place

and, er...you just ride the wave of it.

It's a little while till Christmas,

but Santa's sent Nev an early present.

Former employee and part-time stand-up comedian Griff

has come to ask for his job back.

I left about five months ago,

I wanted to get more involved in the comedy side of things, you know,

um, after I put on a few nights.

It was going all right, but if I was working and doing that,

then I could use my own money, just to subsidise it a bit.

But not working and doing that,

I was just putting pressure on myself, you know?

I really didn't want to come back, but, you know.

I've been living off £28 a week,

hence I've lost a stone and a half,

so yeah, I have to find a job, really.

-Griff.

-How you doing?

-How are you, son?

-Not bad.

-How you keeping?

-I'm all right.

How have you got on? How's the stand-up comedian thing going?

-You're doing a bit, I heard?

-Yeah, it's doing all right.

There's no money in it, you know?

-I'm looking for a job, I am, Nev.

-Really?

NEV LAUGHS

Ah, so, when do you want to start? What do you want to do?

Monday, ideally.

There's always a job here for you, I told you that.

But as well his a job, Griff's also after a loan.

What I want is to start work, borrow some money

so that I can pay my rent and things till I get paid.

What do you need? About 800 quid then, is it?

Around that figure, the 800-1,200 mark.

800 to 1,200 - haggle somewhere around a grand

and call it quits, thanks very much.

-There it is.

-Signing on.

Signing-on fee for Griff.

That's one of the reasons I like Nev, know what I mean?

I know he wouldn't have done that for everybody, you know.

I think that's fair enough.

He did it because I've earned him money in the past.

For Griff, ditching the call centre for stand-up comedy

didn't quite work out as planned.

I thought, "I'll get my comedy nights together", and all that.

That's just as fucking hard work

as being up in that fucking nut-house, do you know what I mean?

It's just going... You just go from dealing with one group of idiots

to a fucking different one.

And with four kids to buy Christmas presents for,

being broke is no laughing matter.

How skint am I? Well, completely skint.

Before you know it, it'll be Christmas,

you know what I mean?

Then you're working to pay for Christmas,

and all that bullshit, you know what I mean?

Is it a loss of face, going back?

I never really looked at it like that.

When you've worked in telesales for ten years,

your face has been lost long ago.

For Nev, running a multi-million-pound business

means keeping to a tightly managed schedule

where time is money.

Remember - proper planning prevents piss-poor performance.

Basics, the science of selling.

And proper planning includes December's most important event.

We're trying to organise our Christmas party

which is actually an annual conference

cos an annual conference is tax deductible

and a Christmas piss-up isn't.

So we're organising an annual conference

and I'm going to invite one of the best party organisers of all time

to coordinate this for us.

# ..All by myself any more... #

Hayley Pierce - she may have ADHD and struggle to get to work on time,

but one thing Nev can count on her for

is a good knees-up.

We got our Christmas party head on now.

We've got to take it serious.

We don't want them to think, "Fucking hell, the party's there?"

We want them to walk in and be like, "Wow, fair play."

What it all comes down to, we can't actually start planning

-till we know what our budget is.

-How much do you want?

I don't know - that's up to you, innit?

How much are you giving?

Five grand?

-Right, is that what it is, five grand?

-Five grand, then.

But then if it comes to a bit more,

we'll just ask him then, "Is that fine?"

How much beer can you get for five grand?

-We're going to ask.

-You can buy a lot of bottles.

But it's not going on all on beer.

-I think a stage is going to cost...

-We want a snow machine.

..is going to cost a grand.

Blue drapes, and then, like, snow coming from the ceilings

and, like, chandeliers and ice sculptures and...

Chocolate fountains - we've priced all this.

Come on, we have to just get on with this.

-Think we've sorted this now?

-Yeah.

Sort it out, go on - out!

# It's not unusual to be loved by anyone... #

It's Monday morning, and Griff's first day back at work.

Back to the call centre, resume my career.

See how quickly I can get myself wrapped up

into some sort of psychological nightmare.

But it's a dream start for Griff,

as he quickly gets sales on the board.

You do qualify, and the boiler's replaced free of charge

for something far more energy-efficient.

My name's Richard Griffiths -

a lot of people in work call me God,

most people call me Griff.

OK, mate - well, lovely speaking to you

and we'll come and see you tomorrow now between 6 and 8, OK?

But Griff's unusual phone manner

doesn't always go down well with the management.

Just a quick call to see if you qualify for a new boiler.

-LADY WITH FOREIGN ACCENT:

-No, I don't want a new boiler.

Pardon?

I don't want a new boiler.

-MIMICS HER ACCENT:

-Why is that?

Hi there - is that Mr Sopwith?

-PHONE:

-No.

Are you the home owner on this number?

No.

Are any of the home owners available?

No.

Do you know the capital of France?

No.

All the best, take care.

I'm like a thoroughbred race horse, do you know what I mean?

I haven't been out of the stables for a while...

AUTOMATED MESSAGE: Hello, your call cannot be taken at the moment,

so please leave...

..and technically should have been shot.

You've got to clear it -

got to go through the appropriate channels, haven't you?

I just walked in after lunch and heard you say to a customer

"I'd hardly be ringing you up first, sir, if I was going to burgle you."

Well, he was suggesting that he wouldn't give me his address

in case I went to burgle his house.

I was pointing out to him that burglars don't do that.

I know that, I know that.

Maybe those type of sales skills

which were perfectly suited to the selling of yesteryear

need to be tempered just slightly.

So in other words, you're saying to Ronaldo,

"Go out, be the best player in the world,

"but calm down on the step-overs."

No, I'm not saying that - keep the step-overs,

I'm saying don't dive and don't roll around on the floor.

Have you ever phoned somebody up ahead of burgling them?

To make sure his cold callers are the best in the business,

Nev has a company magazine

keeping staff up to date on all the latest sales techniques.

It's a nice glossy magazine

that the marketing department put together -

it just waves the flag for different departments

and what they're doing and who's up to what.

The Dialler covers hot topics

from business acquisitions to structural personnel changes,

but there's one section that remains a firm favourite with the staff.

Then we've got the back page

which has got, like, the gossip around the company.

Apparently, there's a developing romance, Nev -

J and J down on NES, do you know who they are?

-No. J and J?

-Yeah. J and J...

-Right.

-..have got a blossoming romance.

And I've missed it!

I've missed it, hell's teeth.

The mysterious J and J rumour

soon sets tongues wagging around the building.

Which young couple are involved in a new developing romance?

-Can't work that one out.

-J and J.

Don't know who J and J is.

Rumours in any part of our industry spread like wildfire -

it is nigh-on impossible

to keep a relationship in the call centre quiet,

nigh-on impossible.

Especially with me around when I find out.

J and J.

I really - it's really puzzling me, this one is.

Get on a mission and find out who J and J is.

I'm telling you, I know everything. I'll find out, don't you worry.

Even Nev has put the small matter of running a company

on the back burner in the noble pursuit of the truth.

I think I'll crack the case on this one.

There's a certain team leader down there,

not a million miles from here,

wandering around like the cat who's got the cream.

Last one we need to know is the name of the tariff,

then what we'll be able to do...

Fancy Marketing doing that.

Nothing to do with you, was it?

-Johnny and Jodie!

-Johnny and Jodie.

-Ah, got it!

Johnny and Jodie - mm...

Finally, the cat's out of the bag.

-This is public now, innit?

-Innit?

-That's what the J and J stands for.

-Everybody knows.

-Have you seen this?

-What?

I did have a fatherly chat with Johnny

and just says "Be careful."

The last person she went out with from work -

as far as I know, it was certainly one of the people

she went out with from work - she ruined him.

And, er...I could do without Johnny being ruined,

with his head all over the place, when he's running a team.

It's like Posh and Becks, innit?

Posh and Becks - Lady and the Tramp.

Obviously I'm the lady, am I?

FAKE LAUGHTER

Funny.

# Deck the hall with boughs of holly

# Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

# Tis the season... #

Oh, hello, is that Mrs Curlett?

Hi there, good afternoon, my name's Christian.

# Laughing, singing "Let's be jolly

# "Deck the halls in boughs of holly"

# Rockin' around... #

Nev has a long-held belief

in the power of song as a motivational tool -

even being in a meeting is no excuse for not joining in.

Oh, this is a good room for singing.

Yeah, it's the life insurance meeting.

# Joyful all ye nations rise

# Join the triumph of the skies

# With the angelic... #

'I like singing and I promote singing.'

It raises the spirits and the energy levels

in the call centre.

I'll just...

Thank you. You carry on now.

That was, um...a very important meeting going on in there

that I just rudely interrupted.

Those people cost a lot of money to bring in today

to train our staff and, er...

Well, at least they're feeling Christmassy now.

Nev's planning a festive sing-song at the call centre.

He's hoping occasional church singer Steve

is the right man to lead the way.

# Don we now our gay apparel

# Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la... #

Oh, hi, is that Mrs Westward-Gummer?

I couldn't think of anybody better to head up the choir than Steve.

He is enthusiastic, he's a lovely, lovely guy,

he will draw the best out of people, get people smiling,

get more results - happy people sell.

Well, we know music can bring enjoyment to people's lives

and it does actually give people confidence

and in my experience, if people have confidence

then they can frankly do whatever they set their mind to -

it's a corny thing, but they can conquer the world.

Steve wastes no time scouring the call centre for vocal talent.

-Hi, can you sing, by any chance?

-Hm?

-Can you sing?

-No.

-Oh.

Can you sing at all? Have you ever sung in a choir?

Never sang in a choir, never done that.

-Not been in a school choir?

-No.

I would do it for a laugh and then probably get bored

cos, after like the first hymn - or hime - what are they called?

Hymn - after the first hymn,

you'd be like, "Yeah, I'm bored now."

# Rudolph the red noised reindeer...

HE MUMBLES

# ..friends... #

I don't know the whole words.

Right, yeah - let me just put a question mark there then, George.

In a land famous for its choir singing,

there are some hidden gems.

# Santa baby Slip the sable under the tree... #

But despite being a trained singer,

22-year-old liaison manager Kerri suffers from serious stage fright.

I haven't really sung in front of anyone

for about three or four years, so I get like quite shy doing it

unless I sort of have to get up on stage and have no other choice,

then I'll do it -

or if I'm drunk.

Steve's keen to dazzle Nev with Kerri's angelic voice,

though Kerri has some reservations.

-Get in there.

-I'm in, I'm in.

It's just singing in front of Nev, isn't it?

If you mess it up once,

you'll hear about it for the rest of your life.

Any, any idea what key you want to sing that in?

Whatever key comes out of my mouth.

We'll go for C sharp, then.

Once my ears start bleeding, you can stop.

# Silent night

# Holy night

# All is calm

# All is bright

# Round yon virgin mother and child

# Holy infant, so tender and mild

# Sleep in heavenly... #

Can I do that again?

-Your breathing was shite.

-I know.

You're meant to be a professional singer.

-Can I do it again?

-Quite shy and quite quiet, isn't it?

-Nerves, it's nerves.

-That's the reason why.

You'll have more nerves than that, singing in front of everybody.

Go on, bugger off, out.

Could have been a lot worse, at the end of the day,

and Nev didn't make fun of me too much,

so it can't have been that bad.

Underneath the nerves, I detected quality.

-Quality?

-Quality and...

It was piss-poor quality,

but there was quality there somewhere.

You had to listen - admittedly closely.

Nev's also been scouting for talent.

He's picked 21-year-old Kieran

to help bring Christmas cheer to the call centre.

You know you signed up for the choir?

Yeah - I did know, I didn't practise this one.

I do like singing.

I wouldn't really call it a gift,

it's just something I done on the weekend really, karaoke.

People normally clap me off for the wrong reasons, I think.

From the top - Silent Night in C sharp.

What's C sharp? I'm ready.

# Silent night

# Holy night

# All is calm

# All is bright

# Sleep in heavenly peace

# Sleep in heavenly peace. #

-Excellent.

-Not bad.

-Excellent, well done.

All the best, ta-ta.

-He's not a very good singer.

-No, but it doesn't matter.

You imagine now - we give him the solo.

I'm trying not to imagine it, really, Nev, but...

Come on.

I think Nev is interested in having a large number of people

who are enthusiastic and having a bit of fun

and, and that element there.

For me, it's a more serious matter, I've got to be honest.

I do not want to quench anybody's enthusiasm.

If they're up for this,

if they want to go and stand in front of a throng of people singing,

let them do it -

even if they're howling, let them do it.

And boy, will some of them be howling.

Hello there, it's George calling from Safe Britain Money

and we're linked to Nationwide Energy Services.

The company who contacted you before,

you hung up the phone for no reason.

Christmas cheer is now taking over the call centre

and Hayley and Jennie's grand party - or conference - plans

are taking shape.

Er...you do chocolate fountains and stuff, yeah?

OK, is that the only thing you do?

Do they do buffet?

Champagne fountain? Brilliant, fantastic, right, OK.

The older I get, I've started to really dislike Christmas.

It uses up valuable holidays

which I'd rather have in the summer, when the weather's nice.

It costs me money I haven't got

to buy my children things they don't need.

It's just bullshit.

It's just everything that's wrong with life and the world these days.

And it's not just Griff with financial worries.

Hayley and Jennie are beginning to realise

that a champagne lifestyle might not be possible on a beer budget.

We've cut back on certain stuff.

Like, instead of a buffet now,

I think we're going to have a burger van.

Cos we thought about it, money can go to the bar

and that's what everyone would rather, wouldn't they?

You know, more drink in the bar.

Hello, is that Sue?

Maverick cold caller Griff is not long back in the call centre,

but already he's looking for a way out.

Yes, hello, is that Mrs Clark?

-PHONE:

-This is a business.

-It's a business.

-What sort of business is it?

-It's an agricultural business.

You're not looking to take any staff on, are you?

-LAUGHING:

-No.

If you are, I'll work for next to nothing, to be honest -

just for the change of scenery.

But while he's in Nev's world, there are rules,

and Big Brother is always listening

to make sure the likes of Griff stay in line.

Yeah, hi, is that Mrs Guest?

-PHONE:

-Who?

-Mrs Guest?

No.

Or Mrs Allen?

-No...

-Davis, is that Mrs Davis?

We have to make sure that they're saying the right things

so their qualifying's there,

the customer's being given all the relevant information,

as well as how they interact

and what kind of experience we feel the customer's getting from them.

Yeah, hang...whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Stead...whoa!

I've been summoned by, er...Deon.

This is going to be an exercise

in complete and utter pointless fucking tedium.

But as a grizzled call centre veteran

with nearly 15 years' front-line experience,

Griff has a few tricks

for dealing with a fresh-faced 23-year-old like Deon.

I mean, there's no point lying, you've been here ages,

you're a good salesperson.

Can you speak a bit slower? I can't understand you.

No problem - as I said, you know, you've been here a while,

you're a good salesperson,

no-one's going to take that away from you.

As far as your feedback goes,

the one thing you're kind of really missing

is making sure that you're giving the customer

the best service for the call.

What you do have a tendency to do is sometimes rush through the calls.

If you haven't checked the address,

which you've said yourself is very, very important,

if you were to slow down a bit and check the address first,

it could've been avoided.

Sorry, I couldn't understand you, you were saying that a bit fast.

As I said, if you hadn't...

If you hadn't have rushed the call

and you were to check the address properly the first time,

it could have been avoided.

-So it's all attention to detail, in essence?

-Pretty much, yeah.

Don't know if you can see this,

but somebody's spelt "rapport" here in an absolutely obscene manner,

R-A-P-O-R-E, so I'm not...

The E and the T are very close -

obviously not hitting the right number.

-That's the thing I really...

-So it's attention to detail?

Definitely and - that's a good thing, see.

You're noticing the spelling mistakes.

All you have to do now is put that attention to detail into your calls.

-That's not an actual word.

-What word?

-It says "reapeted".

If you just, when you're typing these out,

-if you just slow it down...

-Yeah.

-Spell check...

Cos...what you're telling me,

the feedback you're giving me is brilliant

and the way you're delivering it is brilliant,

but then when I'm looking at this and there's spelling mistakes...

It's hard trying to control him sometimes, he's quite random.

You know, it's part and parcel of the job, you know?

I've been working in the department about three years,

I've dealt with Griff a couple of times.

So...yeah, you just kind of get used to it.

He's come on leaps and bounds,

cos he used to be fucking rubbish at that job.

So his...his confidence is coming on, you know,

but he talks too fast, I didn't understand a word he said,

but his attitude was, er...good.

Right, seven more doers, guys - come on, last hour and a half.

Since his secret romance with Jodie was outed in the company magazine,

team leader Johnny is doing his best to stay focused,

but it's been very hard.

Very hard indeed.

-It's not, honest.

-Fuck off, I just seen it. I'm not stupid.

I bought you a present the other day.

You did, yes. Or was it...?

No, it was the day before,

he came in to my bedroom,

he was like "I got you something." I said "Oh? What?"

Two of my clips I'd left in his car.

LAUGHTER

We kept it quiet at the beginning,

because, like, we were going with the flow,

seeing where it goes and stuff like that.

-Just in case I didn't like him.

-Other way!

Didn't want to turn him down in front of everyone.

I liked the looks of her,

in regards to I thought she was, like, tidy, bubbly, down-to-earth.

He had everybody else on Facebook,

so I thought, "Why haven't you got me?"

So then I told him to add me on Facebook, so then he did,

and then we started messaging.

So I kind of took a gamble that she fancied me

and then I asked her to go out on a date then, and, er...

And that was that.

Porthcawl Beach.

Skinny dipping.

HE LAUGHS

He had to carry me into the sea,

cos I don't like touching the floor in the sea.

Got in about five o'clock in the morning, didn't we?

-I can't remember.

-Something like that.

Can't remember what I done yesterday.

And it seems having love in the air is good for business.

There can be great positives to office romances,

because it brings everyone closer together,

cos Jodie's got a circle of friends, Johnny's got a circle of friends

and it makes this call centre more of a club, if you like,

as opposed to a workplace.

He'll have an excuse to go and see her -

he's got no reason to see her whatsoever,

she's got a team leader and a floor manager

and he runs a separate team.

But sales are going very well

on both his team and the team she's on at the moment,

so why would I get involved?

You've got to give them a little bit of leeway.

No.

Oh, to be young and in love.

I fancy him, but I'm not in love with him.

I don't know about him.

-LAUGHING:

-But I'm not in love, no.

Yeah. I'm in love.

# Silent night

# Holy night...

# All is calm

# All is bright...

# Round yon virgin mother and child

# Holy infant so... #

Sing along, Ash!

# ..so tender and mild... #

Today, Steve's getting all his eager choir volunteers

to sing together for the first time.

CHATTER AND SINGING

OK, guys, ready? Guys?

Can I have you bunching up rather than...?

You can't sing and lean at the same time.

Guys, ready?

On the count of six - one, two, six.

# Silent night

# Holy night

# Son of God

# Love's pure light...

# Radiant beams... #

Guys, concentrate now, OK? Guys! OK...

A fair number of them are passable

and some of them are absolutely appalling

and they're dragging the rest of the choir down.

# With the dawn of... #

We've just got noises coming from all different directions,

plus we've got two or three people that can actually sing,

but nonetheless, in typical call centre fashion,

we'll get up there, we'll give it some welly

and it'll sound all right on the night.

And none are giving it more welly than karaoke boy Kieran.

# All is bright

# Round yon virgin mother and child... #

I'm very fond of Kieran, he's a good lad, he's a good lad.

His heart's in the right place,

he likes to see people laughing and smiling,

he likes to laugh and smile himself.

Kieran, who was once suspended from school

following an unfortunate incident with a Bunsen burner,

is no stranger to defying the low expectations of others.

My mother didn't think I was going to last long in this job

but my friends are at this job, I enjoy this job

and I've lasted more than two months,

so...she's pretty proud of me.

I always believe in championing the cause of the underdog.

If you give me somebody with the necessary enthusiasm and energy,

I'll do my best to make something of them.

And when you do make a success out of them,

whether it's in sales or singing or life in general,

then everybody gets a lift out of it.

How could I dress up as the Virgin Mary?

Have a sash saying "I'm a virgin?"

LAUGHING: Yeah!

The call centre Christmas annual conference

is fast approaching,

but Hayley and Jennie still have financial worries.

I don't think our budget's going to go, to be honest,

so it's either going to be the booze or the decorations - either/or.

Unfortunately, I don't think we can have both.

Fortunately for the girls,

Nev's been hunting for venues at the cheaper end of the market

and he's come up trumps.

Swansea Dockers Club.

Open since the 1960s, it's renowned for bingo, darts

and the occasional Christmas annual conference.

-The Dockers club...

-What's that mean?

The Dockers Club, Swansea Dockers Club...

Oh, fucking hell!

It's an option, they got a big stage, they got a big room,

we got it for free with sausage and chips thrown in.

The Dockers' beer is the cheapest in the town.

Yeah, it's like £2 for a vodka.

It's £2 a pint, it's dirt cheap.

The thing is, the Dockers looks quite scabby inside,

so we need to find out...

Decoration. Or we do our own decoration, it's got to look mint.

OK, go to the Dockers club, go and have a word with them

and see what's appertaining.

To maximise employee productivity at the call centre,

excessively long or overly frequent toilet breaks

are frowned upon by the management.

If you want to take 15 minutes,

whoever takes 15 minutes to go for a piss?

I mean, Tom's been gone for about five, ten minutes.

Right, where?

-What do you mean?

-Where's Tom gone?

-Toilet.

He's been gone for ten minutes, so if I want to piss

I wait for somebody to come out from ten minutes in the bog?

You would have seen Tom had gone for a long time,

or I could have said, "Look..."

I'm not monitoring who's going where and who's having a piss.

I need a piss, I think, "All right, it's not too late to have a piss."

I'm not arguing with you. In future, just have a look around the team,

if someone's gone, wait for them to come back before you go, that's all I'm asking.

Can you take him in there, all right?

-Right?

-So now we've had a five-minute discussion...

-Come on.

..about a one-minute piss?

I think it's important that he doesn't get away with everything,

because if one person's seen to get away with it then, obviously,

the floor will think they can get away with it,

and then that's just going to lose all control

and there'd be no point in having managers whatsoever.

I feel like I've earned the right on this planet now -

unless I'm stuck in a travelling car or in a queue for a toilet -

I feel like I've earned the right to have a piss when I need one, really.

Griff is a flair player, he's a star performer, so as long as we can

keep him focused and the attitude remains right, he's going to be OK.

He, he can be disruptive, he gets bored and his head goes.

He starts messing about and he can be disruptive,

which is not good for the sales floor.

Griff's now decided to introduce his own policy of selective flexi-time.

In other words, he's snuck off two hours early.

Dwayne approached me to tell me that Griff had left,

and Griff hadn't told anyone he was leaving, he just got up and left.

He's a pain in the arse and he knows it, that's the worst thing,

he knows he's being a pain in the arse, so...

I don't know why he bothers coming in.

Go and do something else.

# Silent night

# Holy night... #

With at least some vocal talent on board,

things have been looking up for the Christmas carol sing-along.

But Nev's been developing his own creative vision.

# Round yon virgin mother and child

# Sleep in heavenly peace

# Sleep in heavenly peace. #

He's called Steve in to discuss a new direction for the choir.

You know how I say the chain is

only as strong as its weakest link?

The weakest link being Kieran Vye.

-Yeah, yeah.

-If you have Silent Night, the choir...

-Yeah.

-Second verse, Silent Night, Kerry.

-Yeah.

Silent Night, the third verse, Kieran Vye...

-Right, yeah.

-..solo.

Right. OK.

Is this a sensible, you know... Is this going to work, Nev?

Very sensible.

All right, if it goes wrong...

I'll blame you.

-Yeah, that's what I wanted to know.

-Yeah.

-OK.

'He does like to see the underdog,

'I think he's very keen on giving people a chance who...'

Perhaps, others have written them off,

and that's part of his philosophy.

Hello, there, is that Mrs Worthington?

I think the next stage for me here will be for Kieran to have a

one-on-one practice, and as much of an intense practice as we can.

We've got to get Kieran at least to be able to pronounce

words in a way that is similar to the rest of the choir singing,

so the pressure's on.

Thank you!

It's Monday morning,

and after Griff went AWOL on Friday, Thorpy wants yet another quiet word.

Can I borrow you, Richard?

On Friday I was thinking, "What a tool."

You can't expect to walk out of work and the shit not to hit the fan.

Do you want to stay here?

I'd leave otherwise, I... You wouldn't have to get me

out of here. If I was in a position to be able to leave, I would leave.

Honestly, I don't know if you would, you need the money.

"I don't really want to be here,"

I don't think there's an ounce of you....

Yeah, I am here cos I can't afford not to leave, yeah, course I am.

Right, well, I'll tell you straight that

if you continue like this, you will be out, guaranteed,

because you can't have different rules for different people.

You are being completely selfish,

and Christmas is coming,

so you do need the job.

Christmas...

No, yeah, I agree with that. I agree with that bit.

Come and see me if you need anything.

All right, cheers.

What's next is...

Erm...

What's next?

I really don't know.

If it wasn't for the fact that, you know, I get on all right with Nev

there's nothing that would give Thorpy and Dwayne greater delight

than to call me in there and say, "Fuck off," know what I mean?

They'd love to sack me, they would,

and I'd have more respect for them if they did that.

Don't tell them I said that cos they're desperate for respect,

so they'd probably take advantage of that knowledge.

Steve has just about digested Nev's plan to give Kieran a solo role

at the call centre Christmas carols.

I'm sure Steve thinks I'm nuts giving Kieran a solo but, believe

it or not, there is method in my madness and they'll have a good

crack at it and everything'll work out fine in the end.

I had a chat with Nev yesterday, but he had an idea and...

I'm always scared of Nev's ideas,

Yeah?

They're always a bit strange.

-Well, this is a good one.

-OK.

Nev would like you, Kieran,

to perform a solo at the Christmas party.

If you agree to do it,

we're going to have a little bit of training, OK?

-So, you up for, it Kieran?

-Yeah, I'm plenty up for it.

Right, this one, it'll warm up your mouth so that it'll be easier

for you to sort of, like,

reach certain notes and things like that, OK? So...

SHE MAKES A BUZZING SOUND WITH HER LIPS

OK?

THEY ATTEMPT TO COPY HER

I can't vibrate my lip.

Can you do it again?

SHE MAKES A BUZZING SOUND WITH HER LIPS

So start off low, high, back down.

THEY ATTEMPT TO COPY HER

SHE MAKES A BUZZING SOUND WITH HER LIPS

-OK, so think if you're really cold and you'll go brrr.

-Yeah.

HE MAKES A BUZZING SOUND WITH HIS LIPS

-Yeah, that was good.

-That was good.

-Almost there.

It does help me that Kieran's going to be doing it as well,

because I'm sort of hoping that, in a way,

whether he does actually better than everyone thinks or really terrible,

it might take some of the spotlight off me so it won't be as difficult.

-SHE SINGS:

-A, E, I, O, U.

OK?

HE SINGS: A, E, I, O, U.

O.

O, U.

No-one really shows much faith in me

but fair dos to, like, Kerry, Nev and Steve, they've shown a bit

of faith in me to give me a solo and I'm...

I'm quite proud, really,

I'm quite chuffed of the fact that I've got a solo in the choir.

Thank you, Kieran, well done.

I am a little... Slightly nervous,

but I think I'll be all right on the night, hopefully.

Hands up if you're going to the party.

I need numbers, just to double check.

Hayley's now busy plugging her party on the sales floor,

but not everyone's buying.

I hate Christmas, though, to be honest with you.

Why do you hate Christmas?

Because, A...

Because it's based around religion and fucking shopping.

It's just bollocks, innit?

It's just the highlight of the sort of union of the capitalists

and the religious fucking nutjobs who've somehow hijacked

a certain time of year.

Oh, hello, is that Mrs...?

Christmas, Schmismass.

KIERAN MAKES A BUZZING SOUND WITH HIS LIPS

Since being chosen by Nev to sing solo in front of the whole

call centre, Kieran's been practising his vocal exercises.

Hello?

Basically, it just warms my voice up before I go on the phone.

I don't do it after every call but after every few calls,

if I feel a bit...

And, as always, there's a business angle behind Nev's grand strategy.

His sales have gone up already, you know, he's one of the top sellers

now because he's absolutely buzzing, he's so excited over it.

HE MAKES A BUZZING SOUND WITH HIS LIPS

Honestly, though, James, if you try doing it you will get sales.

Go like this...

HE MAKES A BUZZING SOUND WITH HIS LIPS

-Try this.

-No, mate.

Do it tomorrow, you'll get sales.

I think I am going to keep doing it every day

until I earn loads of money.

Johnny and Jodie are back in the headlines.

But this time they're being talked about for all the wrong reasons.

Just a little bit awkward today.

Me and Johnny are... Just...

I suppose the only way to put it is the spark has, like, like worn off.

And news of a break-up has filtered through to the highest echelons

of the company.

Johnny!

-Nev, how you doing?

-I'm doing good.

-Good, good.

-I understand you're doing good too?

Yeah, it's going all right.

Unfortunately single, though?

Single, yeah.

I just wanted to make sure that this, you know, that...

That you hadn't fallen in love and your head was now going to

go up your arse and, and all that good work is going to...

Would I ever let you down? Never. Have I let you down yet?

-No.

-No. No, yeah, everything's fine, it's fine.

So long as things, you know, go back to normal and quiet.

A couple of little words of advice.

Keep the beat going, keep the sales flowing.

The beat's going, the sales are going.

Good, all right then. So you're upbeat?

-Yeah.

-Get on with it, then.

-Happy days.

-Thanks, Johnny.

-See you later.

OUT!

A few conversations between us

over the last two evenings have led to me, basically,

"Just chill out for a second, let's leave it and, you know, go our separate ways," I suppose.

It was more my side than his.

But I couldn't, like, hold it in, like, I had to tell him.

I'm probably going to regret my decision, but...

I think it's probably going to be for the best.

NEV: Relationships in work are fine as long as there's

a bit of stability there on both parties.

When they're volatile then it can have an impact on the entire floor.

Got to make sure the atmosphere's OK, you know,

we put it to bed as fast as we can, there we are, it lasted,

it run its course, thank you very much, it's gone.

Jodie is already getting back into the call centre social scene.

What's the plan, then? Are we going straight to the pub?

I don't know, I don't know what's happening.

I don't want to go to town cos I'm wearing a cast,

it's really restricting my life, you know?

I can't even shave this armpit!

There was never a dull moment, it was always a good laugh,

know what I mean? It was brilliant.

So, yeah, I'm going to miss that, at the end of the day,

but Johnny Allen don't cry.

Last time I cried was when West Ham lost the FA Cup to Liverpool

in 2006, and then that was because I was pissed.

At the call centre, it's Christmas carol day.

Nev's hoping for a rousing performance to unite

the company with Christmas cheer.

They'll be singing in front of the whole call centre.

Hopefully it will inspire a lot of people and it will make for a

good, merry Christmas.

Kerry's prone to stage fright

and hasn't sung in public for three years, so Nev's summoned her

and fellow soloist Kieran for some calming words.

We're singing today, aren't we?

Yes.

-Now, there's an awful lot of effort gone into this choir so far, right?

-Yeah.

So do not cock it up.

-OK.

-Volume, sincerity.

What happens if we do cock it up in any way?

There is no plan B, right?

-Just do not cock it up.

-OK.

This is serious, got to perform.

Come on in, don't be shy.

OK, choir, choir... Come on, come on, choir, come on.

Now, we're going to do a rendition of Silent Night,

you're all welcome to join in on verse four, All right?

OK.

-# ALL:

-Silent night

# Holy night

# All is calm

# All is bright

# Round yon virgin

# Mother and child

# Sleep in heavenly peace

# Sleep in heavenly peace... #

Kerry.

# Silent night

# Holy night

# Darkness flies

# All is light

# Shepherds hear the angels sing

# Hallelujah, hail the king

# Christ the saviour is born

# Christ the saviour is born. #

CHEERING

I'm really relieved that it's done with now and that I've sung.

I was absolutely terrified.

Kerry is a very shy individual but, she did very, very well

and she held every note there wonderfully and

she can be very proud of what she's done.

-# OFF-KEY:

-Silent night... #

LAUGHTER

# Holy night

# Son of God

# Love's pure light

# Radiant beams from thy holy face

# With the dawn of redeeming grace

# Jesus, Lord at thy birth

# Jesus, Lord at thy birth. #

CHEERING

Well done. Very good.

I just sang one verse of the song

and everyone was clapping so I must have done half decent.

I am proud of myself, yeah.

'Kieran may not be the most refined singer in the world but it takes guts

'to get up there and sing in front of all those people'

and he's given it his all and I'm proud of him.

And despite the occasionally patchy vocals, Nev's confident

the carol singing will raise more than just the mood in the company.

Kieran was clapped back onto the floor.

All of the floors are buzzing, every campaign will do well,

everybody's happy, happy people sell,

sales will go through the roof.

-BEEP

-'Hello?'

Oh, hi. Is that Mrs Randall?

As Christmas draws closer, Griff is still struggling to find his mojo.

-Pardon?

-'What's the first name you need?'

-Uh, Miss Randall.

-'First name?'

-Yeah, Miss. Am I pronouncing that wrong?

'Yeah, no, what's her name? Cos you're just saying Randall.'

Oh, right. I dunno. Sorry, is this a quiz?

But Nev's not giving up.

The bottom line - Griff has been a miserable sod lately.

He's gone into one of his dark patches again

and we need to get him out of it

and I've come up with a plan and that would be to get him

to do his stand-up comedy routine at the Christmas party and

if he does it, maybe it'll put a smile on that miserable face of his.

Can I proposition you, then?

Go ahead.

Erm, you know the Call Centre Christmas Binge?

-Yeah.

-On Saturday? Do you fancy doing ten minutes?

Honestly, I've got nothing to say to these people. I gotta dumb down

on a daily basis just to work with these lot, do you know what I mean?

I can't do it more than 30 hours a week, whatever it is.

Well, have a think about it. If it's any good to you,

I just thought it might get you up on stage doing your stuff.

-Right, cheers, Nev.

-OK, thanks.

-See you soon.

-Well done.

-Yeah, thanks.

Once he gets up there and he gets a mic in his hand, he'll be away.

Have I cheered him up?

Probably not. But...

..I think he's got something to think about, which takes his mind off

other things, which may well detract him long enough to think he's happy.

It's the evening of the call centre annual conference

and the baubles are all in place.

-Ah.

-Nev, what you thinking?

This is fantastic. Where's the crowd?

The time has come for hostesses Hayley and Jenny

to deliver the mother of all parties.

Jenny and Hayley done a good job, like. It's a good venue,

loads of people here, more to come so it'll be tidy.

I am impressed, though. It does look nice.

Considering it's, you know, Swansea Dockers, they've made a real

good job of it. Fair play to them. It's lovely, innit?

I just need to get smashed now!

One, two, three, go.

Ah! Bugger off! Urgh.

Brrrrrrrrr!

The party's hotting up and Hayley and Jenny's insistence on a free bar

has gone down well with the troops.

I've had about two, maybe three. Possibly four, maybe five.

I don't know how many I've had. I lost count after two.

And despite the limited budget, Nev's arranged

for one of Wales's finest voices to kick off the entertainment.

-ANNOUNCER:

-The man with the golden tonsils.

Thank you. Thank you.

Just keep your knickers on.

This is Nev Jones.

Are you ready?

-MAN:

-Yeah!

# SHAKILY: She was my woman!

# As she deceived me I watched and went out of my mind

# My, my, my, Delilah! #

You know the words.

As Nev's silky vocals drift across the room,

the drink flows and the mistletoe works it magic...

# I could see

# That girl was no good for me... #

..but not for everyone.

# Then I was lost like a slave that no man could free... #

I don't give a fucking shit. it's fucking done and dusted now.

Don't get me wrong, it was a bit dodgy the first week or so,

but I'm back to my best now. On it with the boys, like, to get wrecked

and I'm glad it's over, to be honest with you.

'Me and Johnny are all right.

'We don't go out of our way to talk to each other

'but I know that he's always there for me.'

I'm not going to pull tonight

because I've got too much respect for him.

'If he's pulls tonight then I wish him all the best but I'm not'

personally going to pull tonight, no.

Unless John Cena turns up.

# Forgive me, Delilah

# I just couldn't take any more! #

Yeah!

But there's one person who hasn't made it to the party.

Well, I'm... You know, I'm a deeply anti-social man

'If I went I'd enjoy it for a while,'

do you know what I mean? First few hours I'd probably enjoy it

and then I'd just not want to be there.

I knew Griff wasn't coming. Disappointed? Yeah, possibly.

I asked him to do ten minutes as a comedian

but he's probably right.

They wouldn't have been able to understand what he was saying

cos they'd have all been too pissed.

But we'll keep looking out for him. He's one of us.

'Yeah, I don't know, it's just not my thing, really. Not these days.

'You know, and you gotta talk to people then, ain't you?'

The more pissed people have got, the more uncomfortable

I'd have probably felt, you know?

I just don't find these situations particularly...attractive.

# Now you found the secret code I use

# To wash away my lonely blues... #

'I'm devastated that Griff's not here because Griff should be here.

'It's been a tough year

'and he's been a real big part of a tough year.'

I don't know. He's bonkers, isn't he?

Let's be honest, he's...he's a bonkers guy.

Think my kettle must have died.

Christmas, the time for fucking new kettles, innit?

Kettles and socks.

Oh, that would help, wouldn't it?

WATER BOILS

'OK. Wonderwall will be on a second.'

In the meantime, can I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, yes?

CHEERING

We've had a tough year. We've had a tough year.

Next year's looking good!

And we're on the up again, all right?

So next year's party, we want it in Marbella, all right?

Thank you all for coming. Happy Christmas. Enjoy yourselves.

The bar's still open.

MUSIC: "Mr Brightside" by The Killers

# Coming out of my cage and I'll be doing just fine

# Gotta, gotta be down... #

I'm really, really happy.

A lot of people were dissing the venue. They've come in here

and, I'll be honest with you, every one have actually said,

"Fair play. This looks amazing," so, ka-ching!

# While he's having a smoke

# Now she's taking a drag... #

I think Hayley and Jenny did a good job of organising it.

The Dockers Club has done us proud.

'Everyone thought it was going to be a load of bollocks.'

If we're completely honest... it's been superb.

It's been an absolute superb party.

-# ALL:

-I just can't look It's killing me... #

We fucking pulled it off!

Jen, we pulled it off. Obviously, I knew we would.

We pulled it off in the first hour.

-# ALL:

-Jealousy

# Turning saints into the sea

# Swimming through sick lullabies

# Choking on your alibis

# Open up my eager eyes!

# Cos I'm Mr Brightside. #

# I never. #

-TUNE OF: "No Limits" by 2 Unlimited:

-# Da-da, da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da

# Da-da, da, da, da, da

# Da-da, da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da. #

'We've started to get the beat going again. The mojo's coming back.

'Let's get the job creation going and have a really good year.'

I'm very optimistic for 2014. Very optimistic.

It's Christmas!

CHEERING Yeah.