Joanna and Jennifer: Absolutely Champers

Fizzy wine is everywhere these days.

The cavas, the proseccos.

-But queen amongst them has always been...

-Champagne.

THE go-to drink for any celebration,

the bottle with a hint of VIP and a price tag to match.

Ah, but is it expensive because it's so special?

Or special because it's so expensive?

And what makes it so expensive, anyway?

One thing's for sure - Eddy and Patsy never gave it much thought.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

Champagne fuelled their friendship.

And Ab Fab was the beginning of ours.

-Cheers, thanks a lot.

-Cheers, thanks a lot, sweetie.

25 years on from Ab Fab, in honour of Eddy and Patsy,

we're in France and we are on a mission.

-Aw-haw-haw!

-Haw-hee-haw!

We're in the Champagne region during the two-week grape harvest that

happens every autumn.

-Panier.

-The danger is you just cut off your thumb.

We'll immerse ourselves in all things champagne.

Two grandmothers plunging about in this, in our big pants.

And discover from the masters how they put the bubbles in bubbly.

That is a proper explosion.

We'll even get access to some of the most valuable champagne

on the planet.

The first bottles of Bollinger.

BELL RINGS Tiens, c'est quoi?

Who's taken a bottle of champagne?!

And along the way, there'll be some trips down memory lane.

You were drinking and it was just dribbling out.

There might even be a little bit of champagne tasting, too.

-Chin-chin.

-Merci beaucoup.

But we promise to remain focused and professional at all times.

That chewing, what wine-tasting always people do. Yeah.

You see, I knew that was a mistake, I knew that was wrong.

Courage.

CHEERING

-Cheers, darling.

-Cheers, sweetie darling.

Our journey begins at St Pancras International,

where we're due to catch the Eurostar to Paris.

You know, I took off my green nail varnish and I put on this

-rather French chic colour.

-Oh, that's very chic.

Cos otherwise I always feel like they look at you like you've

already spilt your breakfast down your front. Which I might have.

-Parlez-vous francais?

-Do you know, oui,

but can you get around in France on your own,

-just speaking French?

-Of course I can speak French.

I'm fluent.

And I've got a rule...

-Yeah.

-..that you're allowed to fine me every time I say "haw-hee-haw".

-OK?

-Please don't do that.

Oh, now, shall we stop for a little glass?

Yes, please!

Haw-hee-haw!

LAUGHTER

For those passengers who want to celebrate the beginning of their

journey, St Pancras has the longest champagne bar in Europe.

The manager is Joel.

We have about 120 champagnes altogether.

-I didn't know there were 120 champagnes.

-Wow.

What do people generally ask for?

What's the most popular champagne?

Our champagne. We have our own cuvee,

which we blend ourselves with a small house in Champagne.

Shall we have that?

-Thank you.

-It's a bit early for this, isn't it?

It's not too early!

LAUGHTER

-I can't believe it.

-I can't believe we're actually doing is.

We're not Eddy and Patsy.

No, we're not. Basically, I'm just a lady that likes to sit at home,

hoover and trim her geraniums.

And you are the same.

I'm the same. And I do a little tapestry.

Do you?

-Oh, look.

-Ohh, that looks refreshing.

Merci beaucoup.

People drink champagne all the time now, it's at every wedding,

it's at every party, it's at everything.

We are huge consumers of champagne here, aren't we?

You are, you are. You are the second-biggest market after France.

-And that's just us.

-After France.

-That's just us two!

I'm sure, I'm sure.

You're way, way, way ahead of America.

-Merci, Joel.

-With pleasure. Enjoy the beginning of your journey.

This is going to be so exciting.

I don't know anything about how champagne is made.

I only know it when it comes like this.

I don't know anything about it.

Well, I know that it's made by grapes,

and they squish them and then put them in a bottle.

And somehow it comes out fizz.

I don't know how it becomes fizzy.

How does it become fizzy?

-Sorry.

-Fizzy?

Fizzy? What do you mean...?

What's wrong with...?

I don't know.

I can't stop it.

Oh, God.

What?

I don't know!

It suddenly seemed really surreal.

Just one sip!

Oh, pull yourself together, woman.

You're walking extremely fast.

I don't know if you've ever noticed this,

but I'm actually a little bit smaller than you.

Oh, bloody hell, I can't manage.

No, I can't manage.

-Oh, I can manage.

-I literally so can't manage.

No, you can't manage.

Here, don't do that, you'll do your back in.

-You'll do your back.

-Porter!

It's hard to imagine now, but there was a time when the two of us

didn't know each other.

It was 1990.

I had written the pilot script for Ab Fab and we needed a Patsy.

I can remember the odd feeling, because when I was seeing you,

I thought, "Jennifer, I do so want her to like me."

But I was a bit afraid of you, you know,

cos you're quite forbidding, non-smiling.

And when I said, "Can I call you Jen?" and you said, "No,"

there was a little bit of a moment.

-I don't remember that.

-No, you don't remember that, but I do.

Can you remember what it was, how we eventually started laughing?

Why did we suddenly start laughing together?

Because of the driver. He had no idea how to drive an automatic car,

so, every time he went forward, he started it off in first,

he headed into second, but just jam on the brakes.

-And it was...

-We got hysterical.

-It made us laugh so hard.

I mean, look at you, you've been a fantastic mother.

You've let them ruin your figure.

Your stomach is stretched beyond recognition,

you've got tits down to your knees and what for, for God's sake?

For a potholer who's worn nothing but a purple nylon tracksuit

and a Gazza T-shirt for the past two years.

Cut the cord, darling.

-Left here if we're going to Harvey Nicks.

-Left.

The show went on to run for six series

and even spawned a feature film, all written by you.

Yes, thank you very much.

You weren't very ordered with the scripts you brought in.

Don't bring that up! Don't bring it up now!

Some of the read-throughs, we were all sitting there, all ready,

"Jennifer coming?" "No, Jennifer's not here yet."

"Shall we have another... Shall we get some more coffee?"

And then suddenly, bang, bang, bang, dogs, clicking of toes,

old leads and shopping baskets,

and in you come in and go, "Here we are, here we are."

Obviously not printed out yet and you would bring out

some frightful old bit of paper.

"So, can we get these printed off very quickly?" And we'd all go,

"Oh, well done," looking with despair.

Two sheets...

LAUGHTER

Actually on the train, it would be on the train, from Devon to London.

The battery would run out on my old computer.

"Oh, no, what am I going to say?"

And so, oh, God, it used to absolutely do me in.

Just awful.

-This is France. Look Jennifer, this is France.

-I know.

Joanna's professional travelogue skills and fluent French

are perfect for this trip.

-Bouteille?

-Bouteille de l'eau.

-Of water.

-De l'eau? iPad.

-Les dents.

-Les dents.

And due to the recent scare about prosecco rotting your teeth,

I've bought some appropriate replacements.

Please say prosecco.

-MUFFLED:

-Prosecco.

I'm drinking prosecco.

Prosecco!

Sparkling wine.

Sparkling wine. I drink it all the time.

Now you're talking like Janet Street-Porter.

Oh! That's unkind. But it's true, isn't it?

The train takes us to Paris...

and then another on to Reims...

-Pardon?

-..which sits at the very top of the Champagne region,

in an area of 327 square kilometres to the north-east of Paris,

home to almost 5,000 champagne producers,

and most of these are in and around our final destination,

considered to be the very heart of the Champagne region, Epernay.

And after a night's rest in Reims,

we're on our way in a car that is almost as old as us -

a 1974 Citroen DS.

The bottom is coming out! Look, look, look.

-Oh, up she goes.

-It's not a getaway car.

It's a bit like me in the morning.

In first, and we're off.

Down into second, yes, she does! LAUGHTER

Don't forget that we're driving on the right.

Stretching forward. Oh, steady on the brakes.

There we go.

Hang on now. Into first. Oh, hang on. Sorry, man behind.

I feel so relaxed.

Do you feel very relaxed?

Feeling very relaxed.

Now, it's fair to say that Eddy and I do share one common trait -

we're both extremely good drivers.

HORN BLARES

What?! Come on!

HORN BLARES

Road! There's a road!

You've been described as a petrolhead.

Do you know, I think I'm not really a petrolhead.

I just appreciate cars, I think that's the thing.

And I think, because I was brought up with brothers,

I wasn't expected to be any different in any respect.

I played with the same toys, I climbed on the same bikes,

motorbikes, and charged about a bit.

When I was small, I didn't have a doll's house, I had a garage.

And I had a set of lead traffic signs, and I had a garage,

and I used to collect, and I still collect, toy cars.

Now we're talking. Now we're on the road.

-You're driving very well, Ms Saunders.

-Yes, quite.

-Did you pass your driving test first time?

-I did.

Probably, I owe it to my mother.

-Why?

-Because she gave me a very, very small glass of sherry

before I took my test. I wouldn't recommend that.

Car journeys tend to go less well

when Patsy's in charge of navigation.

A particular trip to France went badly wrong when they tried to find

the chateau they were supposed to be staying in.

Read the instructions.

"Leave airport, turn right, blah, blah, blah."

Right, get in, Pats.

I shouldn't have gone left, should I?

ACCORDION MUSIC

Back to that bloody airport, Pats, or we'll never find it.

We'll never find it.

God, I hate France! I hate it!

Look, look, to your left, to your left.

-Grapes, vines!

-Grapes, vines.

-Look, look at all these workers.

-They're picking, they're picking.

Now listen to this. This is from this book on champagne,

John Birmingham's book on champagne.

I'm going to do something in a voice to give you a clue.

-All right.

-And you've got to guess who said it.

"Why do I drink champagne for breakfast? Doesn't everyone?"

-Coward.

-Yes, Noel Coward.

-Yes, well done, good impresh.

Now, remind me of Madame Bollinger's quote.

"When do you drink champagne?" she was asked.

She said, "I drink it when I am sad."

-Yes.

-"Sometimes I drink it when I'm alone."

-Yes.

-"When I have company, I consider it obligatory."

-Yes.

-"I trifle with it when I'm not angry,"

"and drink it when I am.

"Otherwise, I never touch it.

"Unless I'm thirsty."

Very good.

Madame Bollinger.

And Constantin Silvestri, who was a Romanian conductor.

I can't do a Romanian accent, but he said,

"I shall tell you what are the three best things in life.

"The first is a glass of champagne...

"..and the third is a cigarette."

-Ahh.

-Aw-haw-haw!

-Haw-hee-haw!

We're in Epernay!

That's quite a hell of a tower, isn't it?

That's a hell of a tower.

We arrive on Epernay's Avenue de Champagne,

home to the headquarters of some of

the biggest and most famous champagne houses in the world,

including the first one to settle here over 250 years ago,

still the biggest of them all.

Moet & Chandon! Moet & Chandon!

Moet & Chandon. It's enorme.

-Perrier-Jouet!

-To the left, Perrier-Jouet!

-That was Oscar Wilde's favourite champagne.

-It is.

-Pol Roger, Pol Roger.

-Pol Roger... Pol Roger!

My head's spinning. I can't take them all in.

Gee whiz.

Wow!

We're staying at a little B&B on the Avenue de Champagne itself.

-This is us. Is it? Yeah.

-Yes.

-Bonjour!

-Bonjour!

-Bonjour!

-Bonjour, mesdames!

And our hosts, Claude and Jeanette, who only look slightly French,

give us a warm welcome and a chilled glass of champagne

that Claude makes himself.

-Chin-chin.

-Et merci beaucoup.

Well, we won't be sending that one back.

-Delicieux.

-Delicieux, monsieur.

-You say. No, you say it.

-You say, you say.

-Demain, we can say "demain."

-Demain.

-Nous...

-Nous...

-Nous aller...

Oui, oui. HE WHISTLES

We're bound for the vineyards around the little village of Cumieres,

a few miles away, but the traffic's terrible.

HORNS HONK

This is le rush hour.

It is only 6.30 in the morning, but this is the harvest,

and a grape-picker's shift starts at 7am.

Do you think we have to work out how ripe they are, or are they ripe

-and that's why we're picking?

-I hope we'll be told.

-Yeah.

-There they are.

The vineyards await.

Oh, look, here are some of the workers.

-There are people all crouching down here, look.

-Ah.

Hidden.

We report for duty fashionably late.

Today we are working for Georges Laval's champagne house,

a small family operation producing around 20,000 bottles a year,

now run by the son of Georges, Vincent Laval.

-Je suis Joanna.

-Bonjour, Joanna.

-Bonjour, Stephane.

-Bonjour.

Oh, look... This is all... Can we learn how to do this?

-Can we help you?

-With pleasure.

-Yeah?

-Yes!

-OK.

-You pull the leaves.

-Take off the leaves, take the grapes.

-And place carefully.

-Carefully, please.

We cut the grapes and when the basket is full, say, "panier"!

-Panier?

-And the young man will come and take the basket.

OK, so I'll come with you, I'll come with you.

And I take off that leaf.

-Be careful of your fingers.

-Yeah.

We work organic.

-Yes.

-For more than 40 years.

-Wow.

-And my father began to work like that and I continue, of course.

Do you ever use machines, never for picking?

No, never in Champagne. Never.

OK.

-Panier. Merci.

-VINCENT CHUCKLES

It's extraordinary that it's all done by hand, isn't it, still?

I mean, it's just, as far as you can see, there's vineyards

and all the little white vans, with all the workers in them,

picking the grapes. It's amazing.

Sometimes you get a little, beautiful... Look at that,

a little, perfect, Bacchus bunch.

And here's one, just a bit over.

Now look this... Show me, show me. This one, do I leave that?

Yes, yes, yes, of course.

Just leave it there or cut it?

-We cut, and after, we take out.

-Take them out.

-Oh, you just scrape them out like that.

-Yes.

This is a good moment to pick

-because we just have...

-Very few.

-..very few like that.

If we wait one or two days, with the wet and the weather,

-which is warm, we are going to have more like that.

-Yeah.

So, when we test the bunches, the grapes, it's very nice.

-Yeah.

-They're delicious.

The best vineyards are designated either premier cru, like this one,

or grand cru - top of the class.

And the grapes we're picking today are Pinot Noir.

We learn that champagne is usually made from a blend of three types -

Pinot Noir and Pinot Meunier, which are both red,

and chardonnay, which is white.

I was starting to find cutting grapes rather addictive.

-Were you, Jennifer?

-Hm, no.

Joanna's actually doing the grape picking.

She's setting off. She's going to do the whole hectare now.

Off she goes.

Where's she gone with her bucket? Where's she gone with her bucket?

OK, I'm going to get a bucket. Where's my bucket?

You see, I'm competitive.

Here we go.

Here we go. Coming!

Now this is someone's... I don't want to mess up...

Panier, s'il vous plait. Panier.

I might be a while before I call for my panier.

Hang on. There we go.

-Merci.

-The danger is you just cut off your thumb.

The grapes start to ferment the moment they're picked,

so they must be pressed today, and by 8am,

the vans are half full of containers called cagettes.

In one cagette, it's 30 bottles.

-30?

-Yes.

How are you doing?

I can see how it's back-breaking, you know.

But I quite like doing it, Jennifer.

It is actually a very enjoyable thing to do.

Yeah. This is something that I would love to do in the summer.

If I was, obviously, much younger.

I think I'm full. I'm full, look.

I've got a full...

a full load.

Why didn't you shout "panier"?

-Oh, I forgot.

-But they would have carried it for you.

I know, it's not Countryfile, I just forgot.

I was distracted by the breakfast.

Gosh, look at that table.

That's splendid, cos there's things here that we just don't know

what they are. That's beautiful.

Mon ami est...

-Est vegetarien.

-..vegetarien. Oui, oui.

She doesn't eat anything.

She eats a banana.

POP!

And how good is your job if it comes with a 9am champagne breakfast?

-Oh, yes.

-The best moment of the day.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

-Cheers.

-Cheers. A la votre, a la votre.

-Sante, sante.

-Obviously it's delicious.

I never thought I'd be drinking champagne for breakfast.

I know people say it, but I wasn't quite expecting it.

I was sort of hoping as we were doing the documentary,

that we might... This seems like the best job in the world, really.

Why wouldn't you come for your summer and just pick?

It's just wonderful.

Everyone is so happy.

THEY SING IN FRENCH

They're so happy, there's even an impromptu bit of singing,

though this being France, the song obviously turns out to be a bit...

-Hmm, how shall we say?

-Haw-hee-haw.

Oh, risque, yes. Thankfully, Vincent is on hand to bring some decorum.

HE SINGS:

LAUGHTER

There's clearly more to making champagne than picking grapes

and singing naughty songs.

And back at Vincent's farm in the middle of Cumieres,

the first step is well underway,

as they load Vincent's vintage press with today's freshly cut grapes.

For one press, it's, er...

..1,275 litres.

-Wow.

-It's very precise.

Wow.

Pure, pure grape juice.

Wow, that is really, that's really...

Unbelievably sweet and beautiful.

It's quite heady, actually.

It's very nice when we taste the first juice, to imagine how

the champagne is going to be in three, four years.

Vincent's grape juice begins its journey to become champagne.

From the press, it travels through a hole in the floor

to oak barrels in Vincent's cellar.

This is where the first fermentation happens.

A perfect marriage of the natural sugar and yeast in the juice,

-that produces...

-SHE SINGS FANFARE

..alcohol!

-Oh, look, it's prickling.

-Yeah.

Oh, my heavens.

The wine stays around ten months in barrels

after the fermentation for the edging to be very clear

and to have some oxygenation and more body.

When I taste the wine...

..one day I decide, now it is ready to be bottled.

Vincent then makes his blend - or assemblage, as it's called -

selecting from the three grape varieties.

He uses all three for one type of champagne.

But he'll also make others using just one.

A blanc de blanc champagne is made with just chardonnay, par exemple.

Whatever the blend, it's then transferred to bottles,

and it's here where the magic happens.

A second fermentation, using added yeast and sugar...

..that produces those all-important bubbles of carbon dioxide.

They'll stay 18 months to seven years.

-Here?

-Like that.

-Do you have to turn them?

-We turn.

The bottles are stored upside down

and are continually turned a quarter at a time

to allow the yeast sediment to drift down to the neck of the bottle.

-First and fourth.

-No, no, no.

-Other way.

-She's left-handed.

I'm left-handed, I'm hopeless.

Vincent grabs a five-year-old bottle and demonstrates how you get that

sediment out, using the six bar of pressure

that's built up in the bottle.

This, ladies and gents, is called degorgement in French.

And degorgement in English.

THEY GASP

-Wow!

-That's a proper explosion.

-Perfect.

-It's very easy.

-And it's out, the sediment is gone.

And the champagne stay, and the sediment go.

-It's gone.

-How utterly brilliant.

It's magic.

Once disgorged, a little sugar might then be added, the dosage,

depending how sweet the maker wanted the champagne,

before being corked and labelled.

But we're not going to bother with any of that.

-A vous. Merci, a votre visite.

-Merci.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

Mmm.

It smells of my old convent corridors.

-I think it could be the cellar...

-Oh, it could be the cellar, OK.

..actually, rather than the champagne!

What a nice life you have.

It's fantastic, because we produce champagne, the best we can,

but with the spirit of our grandparents, parents.

If you sloosh it about in your mouth...

it fizzes up like mad.

Delicious.

That chewing which,

what wine-tasting, always, people do. Yeah.

SHE COUGHS

You see, I knew that was a mistake.

I knew that was wrong. I shouldn't have said that.

I tried to chew it and it didn't work!

LAUGHTER

SHE SLURPS

-Darling, don't snort it, just drink it, sweetie.

-Oh.

Oh!

-Fabulous.

-Fantastique.

That is the one that we're...want...

THEY LAUGH DRUNKENLY

Right, now, this was one, and this was one.

And this was one. We haven't had much out of them.

-This one.

-And that box. We're having the box as well, aren't we?

Back in Epernay, a short walk from our B&B

sits Leclerc Briant.

They're a larger operation than Georges Laval,

producing 140,000 bottles a year.

They've even got a machine that disgorges at one end...

..and corks at the other, squeezing the cork and then pushing it home

with six kilos of pressure.

There's something so satisfying about the labelling machine.

Oh, imagine if you had that just to get ready in the morning.

And here's your lovely hair going on!

But what sets Leclerc Briant apart from most other champagne houses

is their approach. They go beyond organic to a system that's called

biodynamic - a more spiritual approach.

We are shown around by marketing man, Pierre,

and head winemaker, Herve,

a man who clearly never stops experimenting

in his pursuit of the perfect fizz.

Alongside oak barrels, they have terracotta,

and even one lined with pure gold.

The moon and the sun are very important for the first fermentation,

and the gold is in direct connection with the sun.

Gorgeous, though. Who made this, where was this made?

-It's...

-In Bordeaux.

-In Bordeaux, yes.

A company from Bordeaux, yes.

It's the first one they've made?

-Yes.

-Yes, it's the only one in the world.

Yes, the only one in the world.

Hmm, so, how does it feel to be grape juice inside a golden barrel,

you ask? Well, there's only one way to find out!

Jennifer, stop it.

Are you getting anything there, babe?

If I'm not 20 years younger when I come out, I'll be very disappointed.

LAUGHTER

It's quite a strange sensation, but I think being in a barrel

is quite a strange sensation anyway!

But perhaps Leclerc Briant's most ambitious experiment to date

sits in a cage in the corner of the bottle room.

A 2012 vintage that's been submerged at sea.

-How long did it stay underwater?

-One year.

-A year?

-Yeah, a year at 60 metres deep.

So the pressure inside and outside is more or less the same.

But there is also the darkness,

the elimination of the artificial electromagnetic field,

and also because those Bordeaux are made with the biodynamic approach,

so in the sea, you have a lot of life, you know,

so there is a close connection between our wine, our living wine,

and the living sea.

What you call this wine?

-Abyss.

-Abyss?

-Abyss, yes.

The time felt right to... dive into the Abyss.

Well...

My gosh, that's a completely different aroma, isn't it?

A bouquet different.

That's very li... I mean, it feels...

-Lively.

-..lively, isn't it?

Yes. You can feel it in your body, no?

You can feel this energy coming from the sea.

I was quite cynical, but I think it does make a big difference.

Harvest 2012, disgorgement, February of 2016.

Submerged, March 2016, depth 60 metres.

-GPS?

-GPS, it's...

-It's where it is.

-The location.

-Latitude and longitude.

-So you can go down and steal it.

-Go and find the bottles!

-LAUGHTER

So, yes, you can find the bottles!

Next day, and having left the abyss, we're heading out of Epernay,

up into the surrounding hills to the village of Hautvillers.

It's stunningly beautiful, and strangely deserted,

and this morning we've come to pay our respects, because, 300 years

ago, a monk, actually called Dom Perignon,

lived and worked here as the cellar master

at the local Benedictine abbey.

He's considered by many to be the inventor of champagne,

the man who discovered that all-important second fermentation

that produces the bubbles.

Unfortunately, Dom Perignon is actually dead,

so our guide is Meganne.

Mm, this is beautiful.

In here, you have the grave of Dom Perignon, just right there.

-BOTH:

-Look at that!

Amen.

-Does it honestly start with a "hic"?

-Hic! Oh, stop it!

-LAUGHTER

His actual dates, so he was 60...

-75.

-76.

-76.

That's old.

Is it true that when Dom Perignon tasted champagne, he said,

-"Come quickly, I am tasting the stars"?

-Yes.

-He said that?

-That's true?

-Yes, it's true.

It was really hard work, so he was very proud of his work, so, yes,

-it's what's like, stars.

-It still is.

-It still is.

We decide to swap the car keys for a small bottle of champagne

and toast the great Dom P.

It's not even Dom Perignon, actually.

No, no, it's not. It's a good view, isn't it? Makes up for it.

Look, they're picking there.

Salut!

You can see everywhere, dotted...

-Yeah.

-..little bent backs.

But the industry that Dom Perignon is said to have started over 300

years ago is due for a bit of a shake-up this year.

-OK, listen to this.

-OK.

-"Faced with rising worldwide demand,

"the Government body that regulates where champagne can be grown...

-Mm.

-.."has proposed expanding the area,

"currently 327 square kilometres, for the very first time since 1937.

"From 2017," i.e. now,

"40 very lucky villages are likely to start planting their very first

-"official champagne vines."

-Wow!

-"Not surprisingly, the exact

"delineation of the new vineyards has been hugely controversial.

"Not least because the value of land declared champagne-worthy will rise

"by up to 30,000%,

-"to about 1 million euros per hectare."

-Oh!

A hectare is eight acres. So eight acres, which isn't really very huge.

-No, it's a couple of these squares.

-Eight acres is sort of that.

-Yeah.

-A million.

-Blimey!

Do you want any more?

LAUGHTER

-What? What?

-When you're eating on camera...

-What?

-LAUGHTER

..I've forgotten how to eat.

-You've forgotten how to eat?

-You go...

LAUGHTER

I'm going to eat this...

like a normal...

-Little bit of Bolly?

-Yeah, just a smidge.

-Do you want some Bolly, darling?

-Yeah, just a smidge.

Bollinger was always Eddy and Patsy's champagne of choice.

-Have you got the Bolly?

-Got the Bolly.

-Keep them on. In your bag?

-Yup.

-Ready, ready.

-Right.

Ready. Ready. Ready, now!

Eddy, I'm going round again.

-All right, I'll see you on the bottom.

-This way.

Bollinger, or "Boll-ang-jhay" are based a few miles from Epernay in

the village of Ay and, rather excitingly, we've had an invitation.

It's quite a special day for us,

so we thought we'd treat ourselves and travel there in style.

So you find us drifting along the Marne Canal in a vintage vessel.

-Freezing.

-Yeah.

If it wasn't for Eddy and Patsy, we would not be here...

-No.

-..dribbling down the canal towards Bollinger.

And at the helm is the rather charmant Jerome.

-Yeah, thanks for that, Pats. Jerome...

-Yeah.

-Where does the canal go?

-We're on the way to Paris.

We are three days by boat from Paris.

So would they send wine on the barges to Paris?

Yeah, yes, this is why champagne was so famous, too,

because this river really did a lot for champagne, you know?

-Yeah.

-Because we are next from Paris,

-and with this river it's easier to sell, to sell wine.

-Oh, OK.

Oh, actually, I'm going to...I'm going to tuck under now.

Just cos the wind's coming in this direction.

It's playing havoc with my hair!

LAUGHTER

Most of my life is spent thinking, "Has my hair gone flat?

"Has my hair gone flat?"

I've got a theory that ours is the first generation

that doesn't know what to do with its hair as you get older.

Because in the olden days,

you would go grey and you would usually have it permed.

And then you looked quite normally like an old person, a pensioner,

a grandmother. But for some reason now, with all the modern,

new-fangled things you can do, and maybe the vanity, whatever,

people like me are stuck trying to look like I did in the 1960s,

because you don't know any other way to look.

And I don't know how to look old.

I mean, I look old, I obviously am old, but I don't know how to...

-accomplish it.

-Well, the lucky people are the people whose hair

just goes white, like that, and you go, "Well, that's lovely and white."

Let's have some Bolly, darling. Let's have some Bolly.

LAUGHTER

Let's have some Bolly and go and see Mick.

-He'll be there.

-LAUGHTER

-Here we are, Ed.

-CORK POPS

The boat stops for brunch, and the charming Jerome serves up some fine

French finger food.

That's beautiful.

Merci beaucoup, Jerome.

This reminds me of when Eddy went on the diet where she would only eat

-dolly food.

-Mm.

And the idea was that you can have a plate of food, but the plate can

only be a dolly plate, and you can only eat with dolly cutlery.

Of course, most of her diets were actually just my diets.

Clearly we're being pampered,

but not every job we've done has been like this.

Actually, nearly all of mine have, but you're a bit different.

We get on to talking about the film you made in the '90s, where you

-spent nine days alone on a desert island.

-That was it.

Gee, that burst!

Look, you could see the stuff coming out!

It's cracked, so I won't be able to open it that way, but you can see,

-look.

-SHE GASPS

Why did you sign up for that?

Ab Fab, we'd done the first series...

-Oh, yeah, we had.

-Yeah, and they said, the BBC said,

"Oh, wouldn't it be funny," their unerring quality of humour,

"wouldn't it be funny if Patsy was cast away on a desert island with no

"voddy, no champagne and no vodka?"

-Oh, that's right.

-I said, "Well, that would be funny for about a minute, because Patsy,

"A, she doesn't exist without Eddy, and B, and B,

-"she'd just go, 'Oh, I've got no vodka,' and then she'd die."

-Also she doesn't actually exist.

-She doesn't exist, no, exactly.

-No.

-You know. "But," I said,

"I'd love to see if I could exist with jolly little."

And I said, "I'd love to do it, but as long as there's no cheating.

"I want to try to exist on a desert island on my own."

I had the clothes I stood up in,

I had some sharp knives to cut stuff and to make firewood.

I didn't have matches. I had the flint to make my fire with, so it was tough.

I lived like an animal for about nine days.

So strange, coming back, because I didn't have a mirror,

I didn't know what I looked like,

so eventually you don't care what you look like.

And I looked in a mirror, and after nine days, this is strange,

Jennifer, I found I'd forgotten what I looked like.

And it was the most appalling shock I've ever had to stand in front of

-this weird woman.

-I have the opposite, I always know what I look like,

I'm never shocked when I look in the mirror.

You say, "Oh, my God, I was hoping for better."

What do you see when you look in the mirror, darling?

Me looking fabulous, what do you see?

A quarter of a century ago,

Eddy and Patsy were happily mistreating Bollinger.

It was used and abused.

It's therefore shocking and not a little humbling that, all these

years later, here we are at Bollinger's headquarters,

being welcomed by the President of the company,

-Jerome Philippon.

-So nice to welcome you here.

-How lovely. Oh, this is fantastic.

-Absolutely lovely to see you.

-We're in Bollyland.

-Bollywood.

-In Bollywood.

-We are.

-Yeah. LAUGHTER

Bollinger don't do tours, their buildings aren't open to the public,

so we're very honoured to be shown around,

especially since they're slap bang in the middle of harvest,

busy filling barrel after barrel with this year's grape juice.

How many barrels are we looking at?

-How many barrels?

-We have a collection of 3,500 barrels.

At Bollinger, we only use what we call la cuvee.

La cuvee is the first press.

When we press grapes in order to extract the juice...

..the very best is the first juice.

When you don't start damaging the skin or the grape itself, the wood.

The second press is called la taille

and at Bollinger we don't process it,

we sell it to some of our colleagues.

I'll go first, right?

Oh, it's a long staircase!

My God. We're going into the bowels of the Earth.

And as we go down,

it's getting a bit colder.

Yes. I can feel it's getting...

SHE CHUCKLES

So you, please, follow me because there are 6km.

of corridors, so you can get lost here.

-So, please.

-6km?

-We try to stay together.

My God!

Worth remembering that if we did get lost down here...

-Yeah.

-There's 10 million bottles of champagne.

-So it wouldn't be all bad.

-Hmm, fabulous.

My God, it goes on for ever!

-I can't really take it in.

-It's like under a railway bridge.

I really can't take it in.

31 and...

31 columns of 2,000 bottles,

which makes 62,000 bottles of Grand Annee Blanc 2014.

To be sold ten years from now approximately.

Oh, my. Who's taken these top bottles here?

-Sorry?

-These ones are missing.

When we are using that tray

for bottles not be stolen, or drunk by some of our workers,

we know exactly, this is 2,000 bottles.

OK. So if we were to remove one, we know.

Ah. I see.

Exactly 2,000 each.

But if I just removed that...

No. No, OK.

-OK.

-You'll go to jail, I guess.

It's so damp.

I like the idea, too, that nothing was...

ALARM BELL

-Tiens! C'est quoi?!

-Who's taken a bottle of champagne?

Half past one. Time to go back to work.

Down?

Deeper and deeper within the tunnels we go...

before arriving at secure vaults, where they keep a collection

of their most precious and unique vintages,

from, well, since they began.

The 1973 vintage of Bollinger.

These bottles were served

at the wedding of Lady Diana and Prince Charles.

-Really?

-Yeah. But we produced more than what was needed

and so we still have a significant inventory of 1973...

They brought it on sale or return, did they? So they...

They didn't buy the whole lot,

so we've kept it and, in fact, it's a great vintage.

Some very old wines from a given vineyard,

like Mesnil, 1886.

One bottle of 1904.

A large collection of bottles from the First World War.

1914.

-Wow.

-Jerome, tell me, if those wines are 1914,

all the men will have gone to fight the war...

-Yeah.

-How was the harvest brought in?

The harvest was done by the women, who were staying behind,

and in the region, here in Champagne,

all the men had gone for war.

-Mm.

-So it's...

..so special to see that.

And the ultimate piece, Bollinger was founded in 1829,

-so this is really...

-So this is the first?

..the first bottles of Bollinger.

Look at those!

1830.

Oh, how amazing.

Now, what... Do you just keep these or will you sell them?

No, we... We don't sell them.

We have sold a few bottles at a significant auction last year,

in New York, done by Sotheby's, so it was the first time we did it.

So we sold a number, we sold a bottle of 1914, for example.

If it's not very vulgar, would you tell me what they raised?

-It's a bit vulgar.

-Yeah, a few hundred thousand dollars.

Wow.

Producing over three million bottles of champagne a year,

Bollinger is big business.

My goodness.

No. We're so close to the surface!

The relationship between one of the most prestigious champagne houses

and a television comedy called Absolutely Fabulous

is so friendly now but one wonders whether it's always been like that.

Did Ab Fab lower the tone?

-Were you ashamed of us?

-It did lower the tone!

Were you a bit ashamed of us?

We are so proud of you today.

I guess, at the beginning,...

-it was a shock, for sure.

-Sure. It was a shock.

I think... Yeah.

But Ab Fab is absolutely part now.

We sold the reserve magnums and Ab Fab is part of the DNA of Bollinger.

We are really convinced of its big impact on Bollinger.

I've spent nights being afraid of coming here,

in case you were cross with us.

No, no, no. We aren't.

Our reward for not destroying the brand

is lunch in the original Bollinger family residence.

An honour they've actually only given to the Queen and the Pope.

-Jennifer, is that true?

-No, no, it's not true.

Just a very big honour.

Well, isn't this charming?

-And there she is.

-Yeah, there is.

The lady.

This is where Madame Lily Bollinger lived.

When she took the helm of the company in the 1940s,

she transformed it, endlessly travelling,

promoting their champagne,

and she turned Bollinger into the global success it is today.

So it's time to sample a few of our champagnes.

This is almost your wish.

It's my dream, isn't it?

Glasses at the ready.

Oh! Whoa!

-The magnum has come.

-A couple of things I mentioned.

I said that magnums are always better than bottles,

so for three of us, I think, to start with a magnum

would be appropriate.

-Yes.

-And I picked the year of 1992,

25 years old champagne,

but more importantly, from my records,

it is the very first year in 1992 that Ab Fab was broadcast.

-So we thought...

-That's so special!

Let's have a glass of Bollinger from 1992.

Oh, let's do that!

Oh, Jerome, this honestly might be the high point of my life.

Look at that colour.

Can you see that colour against the light?

I feel like I almost want to cry that this is a 1992 bottle.

Oh, don't start crying. Don't start crying.

No, I'm not going to start crying.

-A vous, Jerome.

-OK. Thank you so much for visiting us.

For your love and support, really.

-Oh, merci, merci. Much appreciated. Well.

-Thanks, babe.

It's all been worth it.

-From the house of Bollinger.

-Thank you.

-OK.

Oh!

Look at that, what does that smell of?

It smells of 30 years of success, darling!

Exactly.

That is actually delicious.

-Oh, fantastic.

-Oh, Jerome, that is superb.

Superb.

-The chances of ever getting that again.

-No, never.

-Never.

I tell you what, that '92 was just an Absolutely Fabulous champagne.

-Oh, my gosh.

-Yeah, wasn't it?

I mean, think it's fair to say that the spirits of Eddy and Patsy

-were with us in Madame Bolly's dining room that day.

-Oh!

And as the sun went down on a very special day,

we were in the forest high above Epernay

and though we were still quite full of 25-year-old champagne...

Oh, careful.

..our director made us walk on a rope bridge.

I feel like I'm about to have won I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!

Which leads to a tree house with a difference called Perching Bar.

Yeah, just an excuse to sit and have a glass and reminisce.

Yeah. We weren't drunk at all.

I can't remember why we were there.

But this is quite Ab Fab, this, um...

-Mm.

-This.

Patsy would sit down, Eddy would sit down,

it would just break and fall to the floor.

Patsy, looking for something,

would gradually twist hers round and round

and then it would unwhip very fast.

With the cork flying!

I think the thing that still makes me enjoy it

and enjoy the thought of it

is the fact that you could think of the worst thing

you could possibly do in any situation

and they would accomplish it.

The worst faux pas.

The worst rudeness, the worst...

Because the only lived for each other's, you know...

-Mm.

-Each one spurred the other one on.

Do you remember the Bibendum bar?

I think the problem is the room is the wrong shape.

If the room was a circle instead of a square...

-SPLASHING

-That's a possibility.

It would help, wouldn't it, now?

And everything wouldn't have be... SPLASHING

-squished up against all...

-Yeah. Yeah,

It's you. Let's see.

And because you have no organs...

Or bladder or anything, really,

you were drinking and it was just dribbling out.

SPLASHING

Oh. Sorry. Could you close off that little tap?

It was revolting.

And only at Christmas did she ever eat anything.

Once you ate a crisp.

In 1974, or something like that.

But quite often we could drink, and drink, and drink,

and we didn't seem to get drunk, funnily enough.

We drank a lot but, occasionally, when we were drunk,

-it wasn't good, on the whole.

-Driving bad.

Bad. Oh, driving in Hyde Park bad.

Can you step out of the car, please, madam?

CAR HORN

Then we got stopped by the police and were so drunk.

I mean, what the hell...

Oh, you pig, what you want?

What are you doing to her?

CAR HORN

You couldn't get your legs out of a certain position,

you were so stuck in the tiny car.

Eddy, I'll help.

Hang on.

You pig!

Oh, I do miss them. I miss them.

Oh, God.

We are back where we started in the village of Cumieres

and Vincent Laval's team of grape pickers

are in a party mood.

The harvest is over.

But Vincent has one more job to do.

The production of this year's pink champagne.

Using the most traditional of tools,

feet are used to get the colour from the skin of the red grapes.

What's known in the trade as maceration.

FRENCH PRONUNCIATION: "Maceration".

Looks like there's going to be some kind of crazy WWF

ladies' wrestling match in wine.

Hey!

Here they come!

Yes, it's really

to get a rose.

When we press by feet,

we have the maceration between the juice and the skin,

and we let, like that, the maceration for, probably, one day.

-OK. Right.

-To keep the colour of the skin?

-To keep the colour. But just pink.

-Yeah.

-Not red.

-Yeah.

-Just pink.

-It looks hard work.

-It really is, isn't it?

Yeah.

God, it never stops.

There had been some crazy talk that we'd be asked to do this.

I know I'd look good in the shorts

but probably not as good as them.

-It would have actually been tragic, you know... If we'd...

-It would actually have been.

It would have been ghastly.

There'd have been a ghastly silence hanging in the room.

-There would have been gasps...

-As two grandmothers.

And one really serious pensioner was plunging about in this,

in our big pants!

Coming out. Here they come.

Girls is coming out.

Whoa! Brava!

Bravo!

As the pink champagne party continues,

we bid farewell to the nicest man,

with probably the nicest job in the world.

Salut, Vincent. We've learned so much.

-Yeah, honestly.

-It's been brilliant.

-Merci.

-We shall think of you forever.

Since it's our last night in France,

we've been allowed to stay somewhere a bit special tonight.

-Thank you.

-A few miles from Epernay sits the little village of Etoges.

-Mm!

-Rather splendidly, has a chateau-based hotel, sensible.

Eddy and Patsy never did find the chateau all those years ago.

They just drank and played ping-pong in a draughty little cottage.

014...

Pats, Pats, come here, quickly.

Oh, God.

Fa-fou-fou-fa...

Sh!

A-va-va...

La-la-la-la!

In my lovely room.

We are, to put it mildly, slightly overexcited.

Doing my hair.

And listening to the fountain playing.

My bed.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello, Jennifer?

No, come in. No, stop doing...

Come in. Ah.

-Good evening.

-Come into my lovely room.

Are you ready? Oh, your humble abode.

Are you ready, my dear?

I'm thinking if I should do something charming with my hair.

-Well...

-It's not very charming...

No, I haven't had time to do anything, like wash my hair or...

Well, no, I haven't washed my hair all week.

You've got real sparklies on.

Oh, I see.

Right.

OK. Lovely room.

Lovely room. Leave naturally.

Leave the room naturally. OK.

Oh! Stop it.

It's very pretty here.

It is absolutely gorgeous.

I love these shallow steps.

-Oh!

-Voila, restaurant!

We've been allowed to eat in the chateau's Orangerie.

You said you didn't speak French.

You do, I heard you saying French when you came in here.

-I know...

-You said quite easily, "We're the couple who are going to be filming here."

I know, but I had to say "Avec le film crew."

Everybody here's... Ow.

So... Stop it.

So charming.

-So... Jennifer, be quiet.

-Sorry, set fire to your whole arm.

Be honest, have we met one cross, or bad, person?

Not one unhappy person, that has been...

..extraordinary, I think.

They have had a kind of glow of happiness about them.

They've got a sort of vigour and a passion.

-Have you seen any "Pff! Bof!"?

-No. Not one. Not one "Pouf!"

It's so much less about prestige,

it's simply about the wine

and the culture of making the best champagne.

-Excuse moi.

-Wow! Voila!

-Oh, look at that.

That's like a little work of art.

A little work of wow!

-Madame.

-Beautiful. Thank you.

-Merci.

-Thank you.

That looks absolutely delicious.

This is very, very good.

This is not a... You know, Facebook thing.

Or a Tinder, or whatever it is.

What?

It's not Tinder.

You don't put your food pictures on...

Food on Tinder!

Unless... Maybe you do, I don't know.

I don't do Tinder.

It's weird to think

that Ab Fab started a story that, now, 25 years later,

sees the two of us eating in a chateau and talking about Tinder.

Mm. This is like Patsy and Eddy!

No, you eat it, you eat it. Go on, darling.

Have what's left. Have that bread.

Put it in your mouth!

Eat, eat, Eddy.

Have they gone away?

Who?

Ed and Pats.

Erm.

I don't know.

Well, they never go away, do they?

Every time we meet, we have an idea or a thought

that makes us laugh until we cry about Patsy and Eddy.

So they're always there.

Eddy and Patsy live on in us and our friendship.

Yeah, don't get cheesy. Don't get cheesy.

-No, but all of this happened by chance.

-Yes, I know.

I don't know. You know,...

these things are all coincidence, and synchronicity, and luck.

When you look back now, it looks as though it was planned.

It looks like everything was planned. Nothing was planned, so...

Writing the series wasn't planned.

You being in it wasn't planned.

-No.

-To be honest, you want to work with nice people,

so you choose the people you'd like to work with.

-It was fate.

-Cheers to that.

25, 26, 27 years.

-Cheers, thanks a lot.

-Cheers, thanks a lot, sweetie.

Thanks, darling.

Eddy! We've found the chateau.

Oh-ho! Fabulous.

A-ha-ha!

Don't fall in the pond. Don't fall in the pond!

-Stop it!

-Don't be stupid.

Darling, little doggies.

Oh, this is it, darling.

Look at this, sweetie. Mm, cheers, sweetie.

-Cheers, darling.

-Cheers, sweetie, darling.

Thank you. Do you think they've got any champagne?

Bolly!

CORK POPS