Cherry's Body Dilemmas

This programme contains some strong language.

I'm Cherry and I'm a self-confessed body neurotic. Every morning I wage war with the scales.

What I'd like to be is eight and a half stone.

I even know the calorie content of my entire fridge.

That's 100 calories, a teaspoon of jam is 40 to 50 calories, half a can of baked beans is 150 calories.

I mean, that's bordering on psychotic!

'With the average British woman on a diet for 31 years of her life, I'm not alone.'

I mean, you're massive.

'I'm meeting girls of all sizes and ages...'

Oh my god, look at that! It's rock hard! '..to get to the bottom of our body neurosis.'

I'd weigh myself up to three times a day.

I'm fitting in a size eight!

It fricking fits!

-I want bum implants. That's all I need.

-You want bottom implants?

Is it possible to silence those negative voices in our heads once and for all?

It's so annoying - I just don't know what my problem is.

I'm 30 now, it's got to stop!

I've always had a turbulent relationship with my body.

OK.

My calf muscles are too big and too muscly, the top of my thighs inside, touch.

My fingers aren't pretty enough.

I wish my neck was longer.

I wish that my tummy didn't go out at the front and that's what I see when I look in the mirror.

Oh, god, we didn't even talk about the bottom.

'I know it's crazy to feel like this, but I just do.' If I stand like that,

like trying to show all my thin bits,

then that's a good look, isn't it?

I look a lot thinner then, don't I?

So when do these body issues start to take hold?

I've come to the finals of Miss Beauteen England to find out

what it's like to be a teenager and judged on your body shape.

Hi, I'm Cherry.

I've come to be nosey today.

In the past few years, American-style beauty pageants

have taken off with 20 different UK titles to fight for.

With their full Katie Price makeovers, I can't believe some of the girls are as young as 14.

I do think this is a bit of a magnifying glass on what it's like to be a teenager.

Girls are just starting to understand body image,

in a way teenagers are the most judgmental of each other.

I'm dying to find out why the girls put themselves through this.

Does it feel really nerve-racking, knowing basically,

these strangers are going "You're lovely, you're not"?

You do think about it, are they going to like me,

or hate me, are they going to think I'm ugly or think I'm pretty.

So why do you girls enjoy events like this?

You're complimented all day.

When I first started out I never used to talk to anyone,

but now you'll see me just chatting to some randomer on the street, like I don't mind talking to people.

It gives you confidence really.

Why do you think things like this boost confidence?

Because you have to tell yourself that you look good,

to persuade the audience to think that you look good and to persuade the judges.

You're almost forced to be confident.

Not forced in a bad way, but almost encouraged to be confident.

After three hours of primping, the girls are ready to come under

the scrutiny of the all-important judges.

Dressing up in a pretty ball gown is girly heaven,

but stripping off for the swimwear round would've been my idea of hell.

How are we feeling?

Fine, fine, we're excited.

Do you feel comfortable in this outfit?

Yes. I feel like I'm held in properly anyway!

-You're not going to fall out?

-No!

-Is this the bit that you're most nervous about?

-Yes.

-Why?

I'm just really scared of like having my...

Your body language is definitely, like, ah!

Is this a good round or a bad round?

Good, in my eyes.

Why?

I don't know, it lets everyone show who they are,

seeing as you're stripped back so much.

None of the girls seem that fazed about being judged,

but maybe it's because they're all perfectly proportioned.

I can't really see anyone bigger than a size 12 here.

For some of the girls tonight, they have definitely come away with a huge confidence boost.

I can't deny that and that is a really great thing,

but I think one of the reasons it sits uncomfortably with me

is that you scratch a little deeper

and essentially the message is still a really shallow one, that your value is in how you look.

These girls seemed to have really enjoyed the day.

But I know that my 14-year-old self would've hated this.

And it didn't get any better as I got older.

The diaries from my early twenties remind me how much I agonised over my body in the past.

"In my dreams I don't even have a concept of my weight - that's what I want. I hate looking in the mirror.

"How can a human being be so fat and disgusting?

"Very distressing, every day, every day.

"Release me from this."

It's like I just allow myself

to attack my body almost on a daily basis.

I think I just really don't like myself very much.

"I've put on weight, I'm getting podgier, a bloated podgy mess.

"I feel like a heifer, which was made worse by talking to a

"horde of stylish, thin" - underlined eight times -

"intelligent beautiful students. All the girls are amazing.

"I wish I looked like them."

It's the time wasted that's the most painful thing.

When I look at all of these and I think all of them just contain

so much chat about food and so many negative comments about myself and how I look.

It's such a waste of time.

There is still a hangover from those days,

there are still negative comments, I still worry

and reading these just makes me feel I've got to make sure

this doesn't become something that leads into the rest of my life.

I'm 30 now, it's got to stop.

'I want to know if I'm alone in thinking this way.

'Who better to ask than girls in their carefree and pert 20s?

'Surely they will give me the reality check I need.'

-Hello, are you Sophie?

-Yeah.

Hi I'm Cherry, nice to meet you.

'Sisters Sophie and Danielle are bezzie mates.

'19-year-old Sophie is a mobile nail technician.'

Yay!

'Danielle is 23 and works as a minicab driver.'

-Thanks!

-Thank you.

'They are regular single girls, who enjoy nothing more than dressing up and going out.'

When you walk into a bar, do you look at the girls or the boys?

Girls probably.

-You always look at the outfits.

-Yeah, you always work someone out.

When I walk into the bar, if there's a really stunning girl, if I'm honest I look at her

and an alarm bell goes off and I think, "Oh, I felt really good about five minutes ago."

You can't help but compare yourself to other girls.

You get quite judgemental as well, because if she looks really nice

and she's standing confidently at the bar,

you just assume she's that sort of girl that going to look down at you.

So you automatically put your barrier up and look down at her - which is really wrong

and you end up with the competition.

I think all girls are like that in a way.

How do you feel about your body?

I would change it if I could. If I had the money, I'd change it tomorrow.

-What would you change?

-Erm, practically everything.

-You'd change everything?

-No, not everything, but I've

always wanted a boob job, literally for like 12 years.

I'd suction my hips out a little bit.

She's got this issue where she thinks she's got big hips.

-I've got huge hips.

-You think you've got big hips!?

That is bone, you need that.

I'm just too short. If I was squished out a bit I'd look normal.

I cannot believe what I'm hearing. I'm going to have to ask you to stand up.

Just stand up for me right now.

Wow, I mean, you're massive, you're like a giganotosaurus.

No, it's huge hips!

Look at you, you want to pull your top down to hide it, don't you?

-Yep.

-That's what I do all the time.

That's hat I do! I spend my life with long tops, going, hmm?

I could never have a short top, and a bit of sagginess as well needs to go on.

Why, to hide your massive, massive stomach?

Yeah.

'I was really shocked'

when Dani and Sophie said there was loads about themselves they'd like to change.

I look at them and think they're beautiful, they should be really happy and be confident and free,

but even they have loads of negative voices.

It's Friday night and we meet up with the girls' friends.

I want to see how far this girlie neurosis has spread.

What would change about your body right now?

I wish I was curvier. That would be a thing I would change.

-Bigger boobs.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I'd change my bum, I'd change my nose and I'd change my ears.

It's so funny, isn't it? You would look at any girl around this table and think she is beautiful.

But every single one of us has a list of things we want to change about ourselves.

Yeah, like everyone in magazines you look at Cheryl Cole, she's always done up, she's always beautiful.

-You look at anybody.

-You compare yourself to magazines and you think,

oh my god, they look so nice,

but it's only because they've got so much money and you always try to build up to that.

And they're airbrushed!

What are some of the worst things you say to yourself as a girl?

What are some of the messages that you...

My worst thing is that even though I am actually quite skinny, is even when I eat stuff sometimes,

in my head I calculate how much I'm eating - which I shouldn't do.

I am like the Zen master of that, I do that all the time and I think

a lot of girls say they're bad at maths, but if you asked them how many calories they've had that day,

they'll be like Rain Man.

Do you think most girls worry about their bodies?

-What percentage do you think worry about their bodies?

-Probably 99%, I'd say.

If only we could all have a big swap.

Yeah, if we could take little bits of everyone,

I'm sure you'd have a pretty girl.

I think girls have accepted

this inter-female competition

as the norm, but in fact I think it's really unhealthy, I think it just makes us more insecure.

But the questions is what can we do about it? Do girls have to accept that is what it is?

Do we have to accept these negative thoughts about our body and how we look?

Wouldn't that be sad if that was just our life and there was nothing we could do about it?

I absolutely refuse to accept that.

Because I grew up in the Kate Moss era, I love the ultra-thin look.

But I know it's mot right, so in an effort to re-program myself,

I'm in Birmingham to meet a girl with a different take on what looks good.

Hiya.

'For aspiring music video model Princess, a smoking-hot body means only one thing.'

What is your ideal body?

My ideal body would be my own body, but bottom implants, that's all I need.

You want bottom implants?

-I do.

-Right, can I just quickly look at your bottom?

Basically, it's really perfect.

I've seen a picture of a girl's bottom that was so big there was a tray with a cup of tea on there

and I was thinking look at that, I'd love a bottom like that, it was like a window ledge.

The thought of paying someone to make my bottom bigger goes against everything I've ever known.

So if you don't have surgery, what can you do to get a big bum?

-There's chicken pills as well.

-WHAT?

Oh, my god, that feeds chickens, because they plump up the chickens.

Yeah, but people actually take them.

There are side-effects, because everything swells up, everything

and I want a big bottom, but not that much. I don't want to look like a chicken!

I thought Princess was gorgeous. She's got a beautiful body.

I suppose she really has the body I idealise.

You look lovely!

'I'm going on a night out with Princess and her friends to see first-hand

'the power of the big backside.'

So Princess, do these girls have bottoms that you like?

-Are they more the style you'd go for?

-Yeah, it is.

I think that's a bit bigger than mine.

How do you feel about your bottom?

I love it!

-Can we see your bottom?

-OK.

OK, let's see the bottom.

So what do you like about your sister's bottom?

It moves. That's one thing that I notice.

But when I look at it, I think I would want mine a bit bigger.

-Bloody hell.

-I'd want it a bit bigger.

What should I prepare myself for tonight?

-Are boys going to be checking out people's bums?

-They check out your bum

before your face. They see you from the back

and if you've got a big bottom, the face doesn't matter.

You are kidding me? So the bottom trumps the boobs and the face?

Sometimes, yeah.

There's more to grab on to, and it looks good from the back.

That's what it is.

-So it's all about sex, basically?

-Yeah.

Do you think there's a genuine pressure

for girls to have this really big, kind of buxom bottom?

Yes, because when you look at music videos and such

and you see a lot of girls with their big bottoms jiggling it all about,

that's what you think's normal, and you strive to get that.

MUSIC: "Bootylicious" by Destiny's Child

With butt cheeks barely covered, we hit the town.

# Barely move, we've arrived

# Lookin' sexy, lookin' fly

# Baddest chick, chick inside

# Come on, baby

# I don't think you're ready for this jelly

# I don't think you're ready for this jelly

# I don't think you're ready for this

# Cos my body's too bootylicious for you, babe... #

The girls show me some good examples of why big is best.

'Now it's my turn.

'I've spotted one that I think is going to get a big thumbs-up.'

There's more to this than I thought.

It's funny, because normally I look at small bottoms

and I feel jealous,

but tonight I was looking at girls with tiny bums and thinking

"No, that's not right, it's not high enough, it's not big enough."

It's so funny. Only one day, and my mindset is starting to shift.

It seems to me that despite what the girls think, the boys in here

aren't fussy about size, as long as the girl knows what to do with it.

# I don't think you're ready for this

# My body's too bootylicious for you, baby. #

-'Princess is determined to get the bottom of her dreams.'

-Hi!

'And next morning, I go along with her to a consultation with Dr Khan.

'He's the second surgeon she's seen to get a quote for bum enhancement.'

Let's have a look, then, and see what we're dealing with.

'Unheard of a few years ago, bum lifts are on the up.'

Tell me what you want to achieve.

'They were first pioneered in Brazil,

'and last year saw a 40% increase in the procedure Stateside.'

See, the buttock comes round here, and there's a fat pad here.

So that fad pad is actually smoothing out the lateral aspect

of the buttock.

By taking the fat from here, this fat pad here,

and putting it here, that gives it

a lift and a shape, and then if we lift it up here, can you see that?

That's what you want.

-Princess, would that make you very happy?

-It would, definitely.

And how much does the procedure cost?

You're looking at anything from £4,500 upwards.

With a price tag like that

and with future top-ups costing £2,500 each,

surgery is a massive financial commitment.

That is a lot of money. Is it worth it?

Yeah, probably not when I go back for the top-ups,

but when I see the results, I'd be happy with that, yeah.

'Surgery just sounds so easy when an expert is talking to you,

'but if anything,'

surgery, for me, makes me more insecure about my body

because it puts within my grasp such a perfect body

that I would never even normally aspire to.

It's like you fall down this rabbit warren

of possibilities, and you didn't even know they were there.

So Princess thinks all men like a big bum,

but when it comes to a woman's shape, what do men really want?

I think it's really difficult for boys to be truly honest

about how they feel when it comes to women's bodies,

but I'm going to try and wheedle it out of them.

Excuse me? Can I ask you five questions about women's bodies?

-Oh, excuse me. Do you mind answering a few questions?

-No.

-Boobs or bum?

-Bum.

-Boobs.

-Boobs...and bum.

-Bum.

-Boobs.

-Bum.

-Boobs.

-Big bum or small bum?

Somewhere in between.

-I would say large.

-Small.

-Medium.

-Porn star or girl next door?

-Girl next door.

-Porn star.

-Girl next door.

Girl next door. Actually, porn star.

-No way! A bit of both?

-Yeah, I like a bit of that.

-What's the most important part of a woman's body?

-The minge.

CHERRY LAUGHS

Her fanny, clearly(!) It's the doorway.

-Do you think girls worry too much what they look like?

-Yes.

Can you describe to me the perfect body?

No, because I don't think there is one.

I think it's all a matter of choice and taste. I don't know

the perfect body. When you get to be my age, it's not that important.

You can have leg men, bum men, boob men.

You know, people might like big women.

Some might like really skinny,

some like a bit bigger.

And unfortunately, everybody goes one way when in actual fact,

there's someone for everyone.

Tonight just proves

that men like a whole rainbow of different bodies,

and there's no point in striving to be something you're not,

because someone's going to love you exactly as you are

and you might as well chill out and enjoy yourself.

So maybe boys are laid back about body shape,

but I still can't escape the images that tell me thin is king,

particularly when it comes to selling us stuff.

So how does it feel when you rebel against the skinny look

and embrace fat?

Fatty Unbound is a vintage fashion blog for bigger girls.

I'm in Brighton to meet the larger lady behind it.

-Hello, are you Kirsty?

-Yes, I am.

I'm Cherry. Lovely to meet you.

-Shall we? Shopping trip?

-Can't wait.

Wow, look at that. Look at that.

-That's shiny in the wrong way.

-That's highly flammable shiny.

That's really cool.

What if you find something that you completely love,

and it's not in your size?

Sometimes I'll remake something. I made this dress.

-It's absolutely gorgeous!

-Thank you.

-It's from an old pair of curtains from a charity shop.

-You are kidding.

That's such a confident outfit to be wearing,

whereas I suppose the stereotype

of a larger girl is to blend into the background

and not stand out. Have you always been like that?

No. I think when I was younger, I was certainly much more of a fat woman.

You know, I would disguise my body.

And then I found that part of being confident

was looking confident, and then when I looked confident

and felt amazing in my clothes,

-then whatever someone said to me didn't really matter.

-What reaction do you get to how you look?

I've been called everything from, you know, a bitch to a whore.

I've had things thrown at me from cars.

To see someone who says

"I actually don't care what you think

"and I'm going to wear what I want to wear because I deserve that"

inspires, you know, the most horrible of responses from people.

If someone said something like that to me, I would absolutely die.

It would mortify me.

I've learnt to turn it round

and be essentially like "What is your problem?" to the people,

because it's not me. There's nothing wrong with my body.

It's their attitude that's the problem.

Oh, I like that.

The fact that people feel

they can say to her what they think to her face

and shout it out in the street,

what is that about? What is going on there?

She's a strong woman to be able to cope with that and not crumble.

-There you go.

-That's beautiful. Thank you.

Kirsty isn't scared of being called fat,

but how is that possible in a thin-obsessed world?

-Come in.

-Oh, wow. Are these all your creations?

-Yeah.

That's really cute.

I feel so much pressure from society and the media to be a certain shape.

How have you got your head to the point where you ignore that

or you've reassessed that?

Well, I feel that part of my aesthetic and my identity

is being a bit of a big, loud, fat woman, essentially.

To sort of compare

my body to someone who's a size eight

is, you know, it's kind of like chalk and cheese. My body's not that body.

That's the statement. That's almost like your protection overcoat - "it's just a different body"?

Basically, I just came to the point where

I realised that dieting was harming my health.

It was hurting my self-esteem.

It was giving me depression. Ultimately, trying to fit that mould

was making me much more unhappy than accepting my body.

Was there one really practical thing that you did

to get you where you are right now?

I guess ultimately, it is throwing away the scales, essentially.

God, that is a really hardcore habit for me, weighing myself.

Basically, when I was obsessively dieting,

I would weigh myself up to three times every day,

and I realised that scale was still controlling

how I felt about myself.

It's really unnatural to be at the exact same weight

every day of your life.

I really want that, though! I really want that!

-Will you blog about this outfit today?

-Yeah.

-OK, shall we take a picture?

-Yeah.

I can help you. You don't have to faff around with the tripod.

I can actually be useful.

There we go, done. Done, uploaded. That's brilliant.

My idea of what my body

should look like is so ingrained within me, I honestly didn't think

anyone could really say anything to challenge that or change that.

But honestly, today Kirsty's definitely shifted something.

She accepts her body

and says to herself

"I will not compare myself with these models in magazines.

"That's their body and this is my body, and I love my body."

I think that's something I need to say to myself more often.

And next morning,

motivated by meeting Kirsty, it's time for some radical action.

OK, one last time, just for old times' sake.

OK.

That is just so enough of that.

'OK, so they're not going far, but it's a start.'

I feel weirdly sick about throwing my scales away,

which is exactly why I need to do it.

The part of me that's scared

is the part of me that worries that I'll put on weight

because I won't have that control every morning.

It'll be very weird tomorrow, waking up.

I bet I'll go to the bathroom to weigh myself.

I wonder how I'll feel.

I wonder if I'll come down here and secretly get them out.

You know, if I do that, it's game over. I'm throwing them away.

That is not right.

They're taunting me.

There was one time in my life when there was a good reason for the scales going up.

There is no more room in my womb.

In 2009, I fell pregnant with my daughter, Coco.

Like all women, I was in the hands of Mother Nature.

And even though I did everything to keep my body in shape,

there were some things totally out of my control.

Piles. I just really didn't want those.

And like a lot of people, I struggled to shift the baby weight.

But are women under too much pressure

to look good straight after birth?

I'm meeting Monica, who has just given birth to her first baby

three months ago.

-Hello, are you Monica?

-Yes, I am.

-I'm Cherry.

-Nice to meet you.

-Lovely to meet you.

-What's her name?

-Cherry.

-What?

-Oh, my God, I've never met another baby called Cherry.

-I think it's a lovely name.

'During her pregnancy, Monica put on four stone.

'That's twice the national average, and she's not happy about it.'

Tell me what you were like before you had Cherry.

Before I had Cherry, I was absolutely fitness mad.

I was on a very healthy diet

and just really happy with myself until I got pregnant, really.

I started having bread rolls every day,

having a bar of chocolate every day, pizza.

I absolutely hated my body.

I literally stopped looking in the mirror.

How your body changes, I thought it was gross.

For body-conscious Monica, what goes on must come off.

It's 5.30 in the morning. It's really early.

As the day breaks, I join her on her daily routine.

First up, dropping baby Cherry off at her nan's,

before hitting the gym.

She is super motivated. I don't think I could do this.

Whether you leave her for half an hour or longer, you feel guilty. You think

"Oh, God, I should be playing with her.

"I should be spending time with her."

But Monica is determined to get back into her old size eight.

# I just wanna make you sweat... #

She's even hired a personal trainer.

-Keep going now.

-Oh, my God, I'm knackered already!

No pain, no gain.

In just 12 weeks, she's lost an incredible two and a half stone.

But she's not stopping there.

She wants to drop another dress size in time for a party in four weeks,

her first social outing since becoming a mum.

-Monica's still going.

-That's cheating.

-Oh, my God.

She's officially fitter and stronger than me,

and she had a baby 12 weeks ago.

I really relate to a lot of the struggles

that Monica's going through.

I desperately tried to lose the baby weight really quickly.

But the level at which she is pushing herself is really intense.

It'll be interesting to know

how much her desire to get back into those skinny jeans

is affecting how she enjoys motherhood.

Tell me about the weeks immediately after you had your baby.

I was down all the time,

and I know that the body weight played a big part in it,

because I just couldn't look at myself.

I just thought my life as I knew it had ended.

At the same time, I didn't want how I felt

to affect my ability to look after the baby,

because she's such a beautiful little person.

But the thoughts I had were

"I'll probably never be able to go to the supermarket again."

-Did you feel guilty for having those feelings?

-Yeah, definitely.

And that was another thing why I cried so much, because I thought "How can I think..."

In a way, I felt very selfish for thinking

"I want to get back to my shape et cetera".

So the guilt was there, and I couldn't do anything about it,

and I would cry. And I would feed Cherry and look at her and cry more

because of having these thoughts.

It was really an emotional rollercoaster for me.

I'm seeing light in the tunnel now.

-Hello!

-Hello.

'Four weeks later, and Monica wants to find out

'if she can finally fit into that size eight party dress.'

-That's my dress.

-Oh, wow, I love it. I really love it.

Can I come in?

-Yes.

-Oh, my God!

-I fitted in size eight.

-It fricking fits! I know.

-I feel so happy for you.

-I'm really happy, really ecstatic, actually.

I suppose I'm really conflicted, basically, because on the one hand

I really feel women should be able to accept their bodies as they are, especially after having a baby.

But realistically, for Monica and probably for me,

getting back into your pre-pregnancy clothes

does make you feel happier.

It's not an ideal situation, but that is the truth.

All this talk of weight loss has gotten into my head,

and I've relapsed.

I won't lie.

I haven't done very well with the scales.

I've done pretty shamefully badly,

and I'm just doing the same as I do every single day,

which is weigh myself first thing in the morning.

I think...

I actually think the scales aren't the problem.

I think the problem is in my head,

and I've let myself wind myself up and love super skinny,

and I just need to choose to not want that,

because that's not what my body's like.

But it's not just about me any more.

Since becoming a mum,

I'm more aware than ever of how my issues reflect on my daughter.

I've definitely noticed

that Coco's starting to watch my daily routine

and watch me get on the scales.

And once she stood in front of the mirror and turned around like that,

and I thought "Oh, my God, that's what I do when I'm checking to see if my bum looks big."

And if I'm going to train my brain to be positive,

I need to discover the secret

of being totally relaxed in your own skin.

I'm off to meet a lady called Sandra, who is a naturist.

To walk around stark naked

with all of your bits hanging out for all the world to see,

I can't imagine ever being that confident.

'She's told me to meet her up a country road'.

I don't think this is right. I mean,

I'm literally in the middle of nowhere.

Oh, my God, what is this?

It looks like some kind of military base.

Hello?

-I think there's someone there. Oh, there is. Are you Sandra?

-I am.

-Hi, Sandra.

-Hello!

-Am I in the right place?

-You certainly are.

Lovely to meet you.

-Wow, you're literally completely naked.

-It's nice to meet you.

-Oh, my God!

If you'd like to come in... don't be too shocked.

We're not that frightening.

I'm going to tell you now, I'm going to be shocked,

-and it's going to be really fun and I can't wait. It's going to be very good for me, Sandra.

-You'll love it.

Oh, my God, I'm so excited.

Oh, my goodness, there's a naked man.

That's my husband.

-That's your husband?

-That's my husband, yes.

-I just have to go...he's naked!

-You'll be absolutely fine.

Sandra gives me a tour

of the small naturist club where she's been coming to get naked

at weekends for eight years.

-This is Mike.

-Hi, Mike, nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you as well.

-Lovely!

I should probably be more mature than this, but I'm really sorry. It is really,

really unusual seeing people walk around

with their willies and fannies on show.

I'm sure as the day goes on, I'll feel more used to it.

But right now,

my eyes just will not look down. I cannot do this.

'Escaping to the club's woodland, I want to find out,

'what does Sandra get from stripping off?'

-Very bushy.

-It is, yes, at this time of year.

-So do you just feel completely happy being naked?

-Yes.

-Really?

-Yes.

Very happy. I just accept myself the way I am.

You know, I know my boobs aren't the pert ones they used to be.

I don't think they're ever going to be, however much exercise I do.

I don't think it's going to do much good.

Walking around naked, what are the benefits?

You do feel liberated, that is the word.

You're not being judged by what you look like,

because people around you, they accept themselves as they are,

so it makes me feel that I can accept myself as I am.

To me, that is the Holy Grail of body acceptance. I just love that.

'Naked life is starting to make sense.'

-Hello.

-Hello.

-That's good.

'But my clothes are staying firmly where they are.'

Oh, you're good!

Oh, bummer.

Next round?

I'm doing the worst. Sandra's doing very good,

and so is Graham.

Clearly, being clothed is a disadvantage in this game.

It gets in the way.

I know, look at my scarf flapping about in my face.

See, look how free I am. I haven't got anything flapping around.

I'd love to have even a smidgen of Sandra's body confidence,

so I'm reassured to hear

that she hasn't always been able to let it all hang out.

I was quite big, and I just didn't like what I saw.

-My God, you are a very different size there.

-Yeah.

I am much, much bigger there. I've been on a lot of diets.

I've exercised a lot in the past,

and I'd be all right for a couple of weeks

and then I'd think "No, I'm not going to do it any more".

I'd just give up.

Although I wanted to be slim,

I just wasn't in the right frame of mind to do it.

At what point did you break out of that cycle?

It was when I became a naturist.

I suppose I felt more relaxed

and comfortable, and the weight just went down slowly

over the years anyway.

I'm kind of quite envious of Sandra, actually.

She's truly liberated. She's comfortable in her own skin

in a way I can only dream of,

and it's a really lovely thing to be around. It makes me

feel really comfortable. It's infectious, actually.

Have you enjoyed today? How do you feel?

Yeah, I was quite nervous and excited to meet you and come here.

What I've noticed is, I'm just starting to, as you say,

take in the whole package rather then think

"there's a naked person, there's their willy",

and starting to think "There's Graham, and there's Sandra."

Would you come down to Nudefest with us, then?

-A nudefest?

-Down in Newquay.

I'll let you know.

'Stripping at a festival must be the scariest cure ever

'for a bad body image.

'But with over a million naturists in Britain, maybe there's something in it.'

I think I'm not ready to get naked in front of other people yet,

and I really hope that I can find that liberation.

But it's good to have met someone to aspire to,

someone who's actually got something healthy to aspire to

instead of me looking at women

that have bodies that I'm never going to have.

Sandra has shown me that I need to look at the body

I do have in a whole new way.

I've got a naturally very athletic figure

and I put on muscle really easily

and I love sport and I love exercise,

so my body gets muscly very quickly.

I have to be really careful not too bulk up too much.

Part of me's really annoyed

that I can't just let my body do what it naturally does,

which is to get a bit muscly.

But then I don't want to look masculine.

Today, I'm meeting Yvette,

a competitive bodybuilder from Croydon.

Hello. Sorry to interrupt. My goodness. Are you Yvette?

-I certainly am, guilty as charged.

-Nice to meet you. Oh, my God, you're so muscly.

Look at you.

-Can I have a feel?

-Absolutely.

-Oh, my God, it's rock hard.

-Rock hard.

-That is absolutely...

100% pure natural muscle.

So how often do you have to work out to achieve this look?

Well, for me, it's an everyday thing, at least six days a week.

It's sleeping, eating, showering. You know, it's part of my lifestyle.

Don't you worry, though, that it looks masculine?

Cherry, muscle is sexy.

-Oh, my goodness me, absolutely.

-I'll be honest. I'm terrified of muscle.

Whenever I work out, I'm really careful about not putting it on.

My calves are, like, so big.

But it looks good with a set of high, black, sexy shoes.

But I get paranoid that it's all masculine.

It's all in the mind.

How does your muscle make you feel?

I feel strong in mind as well as in body.

I've created this all by my own hard effort.

This is work. Muscles signify pain.

I like to feel pain, it's a good pain.

It means that something's happening.

-No pain, no gain.

-You got it, girl. Absolutely. High five. There we go.

-There we go!

-I'm all inspired. Let's do this!

Yvette is a powerhouse.

She loves muscle. She's really life-affirming

and encouraging, and maybe she can help me get over my fear of muscle.

In a few days, I'm going to watch Yvette defend her bodybuilding title

at a national championship.

But first at her home, I want to find out what drives her

to push her body to such extremes.

Last year, I had a motorbike.

No way!

You can see my helmet there.

-Did they love that?

-I actually won that competition.

-Really?

-Absolutely.

How did you get into bodybuilding?

Well, when I had my son,

he was diagnosed within a few months with special needs.

He has autism and complex learning difficulties.

How was that time for you, being a new mum?

Which is a very vulnerable place to be.

Well, it was devastating. I'm able to talk about that. It was devastating.

I wasn't able to talk about it particularly at the time.

It just knocked me for six, to be quite honest.

So I found that very difficult to deal with.

I had a number of negative emotions all the time,

which were anger, sadness... jealousy was a huge one.

So the gym was a medicinal way

for me to deal with these negative emotions.

Many a time, I'd have my baseball cap on, and the tears would roll down my cheeks in the gym.

But that's a good thing,

because that's unleashing whatever's suppressed inside.

And as my heart started healing on the inside,

my body started transforming on the outside. So I'm proud of me.

I'm able to go out there and show the world what I'm made of.

Yvette is really empowering.

She's taken a really challenging situation

and made it into something positive.

I think because I now know that, I look at her now and admire her.

As a result of that, in a way, her body's become more attractive to me.

It's a powerful body, because she is a really powerful person.

It's the day of the bodybuilding competition.

With a hundred male and female contestants,

everyone is pumped and ready to go.

There are some seriously buff bodies here.

I really hope Yvette walks away with her title intact.

I make use of my backstage pass to wish her luck...

And have a little sneaky peek at the boys.

Oh, how can you not look? I mean, I'm just a woman.

Mmm-mm.

She's in here.

-Hi, Yvette. How are you doing?

-I'm good.

-Who's the hot competition?

-Who are you worried about?

-This young lady!

-Right here!

-Thank you very much.

-Now, that is sexy,

-I have to say.

-Those are some big boobies!

Absolutely. You know how passionate I am about muscle.

That's some good stock.

Back in the audience, I take up position to watch

some truly eye-watering flexing and stretching.

Next in line is Yvette.

MUSIC: "Fight For This Love" by Cheryl Cole

With moves like that, how can she not win?

INAUDIBLE

The competition draws to a close, and the results are finally in.

Yvette has put in an impressive performance.

My fingers are crossed.

In third place, Yvette Shaw!

'Travesty. She's only come away with a bronze.

'But she's still smiling.'

-Hello, well done.

-Hello, sweetheart. Thank you so much.

-Let me see your trophy.

Here it is.

You and I know that you were the best, and that's all that matters.

That was brill. Really nice to meet you. Congratulations, you did great.

-Thank you. When are you off to the gym next?

-Like, right now.

-Good girl!

-Right now.

-Off you go.

-Thank you so much, Yvette. Bye!

True to my word, I'm back at the gym.

After meeting Yvette, I'm not so scared of lifting a few weights.

It's really nice. Since meeting Yvette, I've actually started

to accept that my body isn't waif-like and maybe never will be.

In fact, I'm athletic and quite strong,

and it'll be really lovely just to look in the mirror

and see my body changing and think "That's fine, that's who I am."

But even this small step is pushing me out of my comfort zone.

Every so often, I have a crisis of confidence and look in the mirror

and think "Do my legs look too big and my arms too muscly?"

I'm such a dick. I have to keep telling myself that that voice is a ridiculous voice

and it can just sod off because I just don't need it,

and I should just be positive and accepting about my body, and that's the battle.

I'm still a long way from being cured, but I'm starting to get somewhere.

I've decided to take naturist Sandra up on her invitation to Nudefest.

Stripping off worked for her,

so maybe it'll have the same life-altering effect on me.

But once I hit the road,

the reality of being butt naked with 300 strangers dawns on me.

I'm really nervous.

I've got adrenaline going all the way through my body.

I kind of feel like I want to throw up a little bit.

I don't know if I can do it

with this kind of fear in my body right now.

I'm hoping it'll act as a catalyst for afterwards.

It might affect me. It might give me a sense of body acceptance

that I can take away with me and use in my everyday clothed life.

'Arriving at the campsite, I head straight into the pub to find Sandra and Graham.'

Oh, my God.

-Hello! How are you?

-Nice to see you again.

Um, everyone's naked.

Well, that's what we're here for.

It's going to take me a while

just to acclimatise. I've got that thing again where I can't look.

I want to turn round and look at the people at the table behind me, but I can't look.

What's the common denominator with everyone here?

Well, I think everybody feels comfortable

with their bodies,

so I think everyone is very confident in that way.

That woman literally just walked in, took off her clothes

and is now at the bar, getting a drink.

Yeah. Do you think you'd ever feel comfortable enough to do it yourself?

I kind of want to, so I'm going to play it by ear. I'm going to acclimatise.

You've got to be right in your own mind.

'I'm not yet willing to part with my clothes.'

Dangerous naked people!

'Perhaps a tour of the activities on offer will ease me in gently.'

'But I'm not sure it's working.

'And the weather definitely doesn't make me want to take my clothes off.'

I could cut a glass with my nipples.

I think if I got them out, they might be quite dangerous.

Time to retreat to the pub for some warmth.

# Buck naked wearing my skinny skin skin

# Buck naked in my birthday suit

# Buck naked and I don't give a hoot

# Buck naked like a centrefold

# Buck naked is the way to go. #

Naked line dancing, everyone!

I was just very conscious not to touch anyone's bits,

which is quite hard in line dancing.

I love naked line dancing. I wish I'd been brave enough to strip down.

It's very difficult to go from being clothed to naked in a pub.

The setting is quite challenging.

So I'm not going to take the plunge and go full frontal in public,

but I want to see what the fuss is about

by having a skinny dip before I head home.

I'm very relaxed. Nothing to worry about.

It's warm. It's like Barbados, it's so sunny and delicious and warm.

Ohh!

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

OK, I'm going to get naked now.

Woo! It's really nice. Still very cold.

Oh, that's really nice.

Oh, that's lovely!

Going for a little naked swim. Oh, that is really nice.

# Born free

# As free as the wind blows... #

It feels really free and, like, just feels really nice.

I don't know what it is. It is just really, it's made me go a bit weird.

I'm kind of naked, and it's really nice!

'Being butt naked has been a lot more fun than I thought'.

I'm naked!

Look at this, everyone. I'm proud, I'm naked and I'm very cold.

'But honestly, it's not been that life-changing.'

# Stay free... #

One of the things I've realised

about genuine real body acceptance is that there is no quick fix.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have negative thoughts about my body at the moment.

I still do. It's a really long habit to kick.

But I feel the difference now is, I know what to do with them.

I know how to attack them.

And when I look down and I see something that's not perfect,

my immediate reaction isn't "Oh, God."

It's "This is my body, and I'm fit and I'm healthy."

I have been surprised at how freeing it is

to just be a bit nicer to yourself.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

Pose. There, look at those lips.

Quarter turn. There we go. And smile.

-That's right, bottom out slightly. Smile.

-Exactly.