I Want to Change My Body

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE. Some viewers may find

some scenes upsetting from the This is exciting. It hit me hard

The end of my nose is really big. Can you see that, I have no boobs.

I don't feel confident with it. want to do something about my body.

I am going to do something about my body. Sod what anyone else thinks -

this is my body. You are going to be so much happier.

That was the worst experience of my How do you feel about this whole

experience? Traumatised. What happens if changing my body

doesn't change the way I feel about As you can see, I have been

crossing off all of my dates, and so now we are at 19th March. In a

couple of days we have got my consultation in Manchester. And

then my surgery! On 29th March. I have a nice gold stars because I am

a massive loser and that is how I I have the dorsal hump removed but

if you did that it would be too straight, not too straight but too

pointy. So you need to bring the tip in, only just slightly, but you

do need to bring it in otherwise I would have a pointy triangle thing

going on. That is basically what I I hate sitting in a row of people.

Because I know that everyone can see my side profile and I can't

stand that, I hate that. Is it normal for me to go and get my nose

changed? No. I don't think it is normal but I think it is fine and

perfectly acceptable. But then again, is it normal for

someone to get (Inaudible). Do you think it is normal to change your

body? It is your body, yeah, you can do what you want with it.

It is not about me trying to be something I am not. It is about me

trying to be the best version of me that I can be. It is now normal to

change your body. #Colour#Blue It is becoming acceptable, part of

society to change everything we look like. People want to make a

good first impression, people want Cosmetic surgery is becoming a lot

more acceptable. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and I

told him I was going to get a boob job and I thought he was going to

be shocked or something. No, he just said, o, my mate's girlfriend

had hers done and another mate had hers done. I was like, OK, this is

a normal thing to talk about then. It is an average conversation, just

This is me in the mirror. With my I just think I am horribly flat-

chested and I don't like it, I don't like how I look in nice tops,

it makes me feel uncomfortable. It would be nice to wear nice dresses

or a by keen yes -- bikini and look nice. I always wanted a little

extra, something there, real boobs, what other girls have. If you look

at what I have to contend with - boobs. All my friends look amazing.

It is so annoying. How they can just get dressed and be fine and

get on with their life and then there's me trying to get by, buying

massive fake bras and padded bras and whatever. OK I am going to have

fake boobs but at least they will be attached to me and I never have

to take them off. This is holly and she's hot and it is just annoying.

That is what I have to live with. But now I am getting my own boobs.

It's pretty cool. This is my massive padded bra, can you tell.

They're huge now. Let's do the trick, I will take it off and you

can see the difference. To nothing. Do you see, nothing. Now it is

happening, don't laugh at me, I am in two minds about it. It is a good

thing and a bad thing, because she's my friend and I think she

looks beautiful the way she is, fuck off off!. I am worried she is

has been rushing it slightly. Some people go years, think about it for

years and wait. They think about it for years, they don't wait years.

No-one I have met has waited years. They get it done and in four months,

it is the longest from the first consultation. I don't know, I am a

bit worried that maybe she is going to be disappointed at the end of it.

I know she is saying at the moment she's not. She's like, I'll have

boobs! It's amazing. I am worried Hi, I am Jamie James. I am 25, and

this film is about me and my experiences with hair loss.

I am a professional dancer, that is what I do. It is my job to look

good and my body is my own product, as you can tell I work out quite a

bit. It's such a nice day today, we are

in the beach in Blackpool. We are in the middle of the promenade at

the moment. You can see the tower and big wheel and Pleasure Beach is

behind us. There is my brum brum What I don't like about my hair is,

as you can see, there is this long piece, so it is receding obviously,

so it is like a V, and it goes back quite a bit there. I spend so much

time on it, trying to get it in place. I will get up and wash it,

shampoo it and blow dry it and straighten it. Just look at my hair

constantly and see those bits, I have had to grow it long, this bit

here, to make it like a depring. -- What is the reason you are filming

me today? Well, you know I have been worried about it for a while

and you are like a hairdresser, aren't you and I am sick about it.

It is so far back. All right! You know I love dancing and I feel like

it's... You are always talking about it. I would hate to think

about giving it up because of the way I look. I have been in touch

with a clinic and I am doing it, I am getting this new procedure done

called Micro Hair Technique, MHT. Where it's like... You get your

eyebrows done. It's like that. my God, are you going to have to

shave your hair off? Yes. It is going to look amazing. You are

going to be so much happier. It's like a tattoo, and it's going to

bring my hair line down a lot more and give me like an - I have to

shave my head constantly, it is going to give me a number one look,

which is like a timeless look, always in fashion. I hope it

doesn't hurt. I haven't thought about that. It might hurt. It's

Good morning. It is 6.02am. Business disgusting. I have just

woken up. Goodbye old nose. I am off to Manchester, so I will see

I am in the hospital. I have checked in. I have seen my surgeon.

Everything is OK. I have got changed into my sexy gown and I

have been given these lovely sexy socks to wear as well. I am ready

to go. I am getting quite excited now. A new nose! I will see you

after my surgery. When I will have a new nose. Bye.

I I have just had surgery, you can see I have a massive thing on my

face. I feel nauseous and it still I am wide awake, I randomly woke up.

I am so happy right now, because I have been looking in the mirror and

stuff, and I can just tell it is amazing. It is a lot smaller and

even though though - I am getting emotional, I am trying not to cry,

because I don't want my nose to get runny. It's not good. Let me get it

together. I'm really buzzing. I haven't even seen it. I can't

explain to you, I have packing all up my nostrils. I have two black

eyes, which are watering after my tears of joy. My face is swollen,

My body makes me feel rubbish. really insecure about the way I

look. When I go on holiday, I don't take my T-shirt off. I am just so

sick of it. Sometimes I don't want to go out because of it. I want to

be happy with the way I look. I have never been happy with that.

feel like a part of me isn't being 100% me, because I am hiding what I

My body makes me feel like it's not really a part of me. To be honest,

it's like Chloe's in there and there are all these other layers

around it that is stopping Chloe from coming out, to be honest. A

lot of the time it stops me from being happy. And it makes me angry

and makes me really sad. Yeah, it makes me feel like I'm not normal

I want to lose weight, I want to lose about four.5 stone more now. I

am doing a diet where you have four food packs every day, instead of

food, so you replace food with that, and you drink up to four litres of

water a day. You are meant to lose about a stone a month. I want to do

that because I have always wanted to be an actress. I am going over

now to the Nuffield Theatre where I am going to have my rehearsal today.

This is my costume for the play. This year I was able to audition at

drama schools. I didn't get into any of the big places in London,

but that's OK. But the feed back I had from them was was good but they

didn't think I was ready, I was too young, but they also thought my

weight would get in the way of the first year and that they weren't

sure if I was going to be able to We are just setting out the alcohol

for tonight and the different munchies, because this is my night

What do you think about me doing the diet, Josh? I think it is going

to be good for you. I think it's cool. It's really good. I think

My biggest fear is that I won't be The one thing I would change about

myself is the fact that I sweat lots under my armpits, which some

people think is normal, but I sweat a lot more than most people seem

classed as acceptable or normal. Just so you guys can get an idea of

how bad it is, I have worn a T- shirt that's noticeably bad for me

and as you can see, the colour change is quite dramatic in

something like this. Anything would be an improvement to be honest,

even if it just reduces it a little What I would suggest to you is we

try botox. It is a very simple procedure, very straightforward. It

is a tiny number of tiny small injections, all over your armpit,

and what that does, within a few days, it should completely stop the

signal that is coming into the the This botox, which obviously sounds

really odd for someone of 21 to be having botox, but apparently it

should work, just think how many of my friends will be looking at my

face to see what parts aren't moving! Hopefully it will change

everything, and make me a little I think girls feel really pressured

to look perfect all the time. There's been a stereotype made

where all girls have to be slim, tanned, and if you are not that,

you feel crap, you don't feel good. Young girls are constantly being

bombarded with unastainable goal of perfection and flawlessness.

pressure used to be just for women and now it is boys as well. I just

think there's that many good looking people and they are all in

the media, you never see normal people like me, so everybody has to

aspire to these, and peer pressure. Sometimes I get very down and

paranoid about what other people, although nobody could care less.

be successful in life, you have to look skinny, have blonde hair, you

The reason I am doing this video is because I am not happy with my

appearance. As a teenage girl, at school, full of beautiful girls and

good looking people, I am not happy. It's difficult, because if I could

say what I would change about my body, I would say I would want hair.

This isn't mine. Looking at me self now, I think I am not a normal

teenager, I look so masculine, I would like to be for feminine. My

eyebrows are tattooed. I don't have any eye lashes, and the reason why

I wear these glasses is because without eye lashes stuff falls into

my eyes all the time. I go to the gym all the time to try and lose

weight to fit it. I come home and take my wig off, because that is

what I want to do and I think I would never dream of leaving the

house like this and it is my total ambition to do that, but I don't

I am about to go to school. Yesterday I came home early because

of my acne, because it was so bad. Today I don't want to go into

school because it's so painful. I just want to, I know it wouldn't

help, but put duct tape on and rip my skin off. I put my cream stuff

on but my stin is really -- skin is really hurting. It is really

sensitive. But we will see how today goes.

It is half way through the day and I have got a few white spots here

and one or two here but mostly here. It makes me quite upset, and

annoyed. It's like none of my friends have acne, so I don't

exactly see it on a day-to-day Here is some of the stuff that I

have used in the past. That obviously hasn't worked. Those are

basically a tiny amount of things that I have tried. Some doctor

stuff was this, I have no idea how you say it. These are my

Oxytetracycline tablets. It's got Benzoyl Peroxide in it which is

meant to be good. I have done so much research on acne, home

remedies, how to get rid of it and obviously - and also talk to go my

determineologist -- dermaologist. Today they are going to do some

blue and red light thing, that will help get rid of the acne and also

kill bacteria. That makes me have I am just having a facial peel. I

have just had the lady rub quite vigorously and hard, which was

quite painful, but I am just thinking of the outcome and how

hopefully how good in the end it It is the day after my treatment.

My forehead is looking looking so much better and around my ois and

just down my nose, and so I am so happy and that is after one

treatment. It's been quite an emotional day today actually,

because obviously it is a big thing having my acne being dealt with,

being happy about it. Being scared, I guess. Scared might be a word I

would use, because it's not a comfort, but it is something that's

been there, that I am living with, O my gosh, it's been such a long

day. It's actually really good news, I

am really happy. I can actually achieve my goal, so at the moment I

am a 32A and he said I could even be a D, which is like my dream,

boobs basically and big like that as well. I really hope this is

recording. It is. I have a couple of pictures of how I would like to

look It is definitely more like the fake look I am going for rather

than the natural look. To go natural I would have to be small as

well and probably get the anatomical implants which are tear

drop shapes and I don't like the look of those. The price of this

whole whole ordeal, the procedure itself is �5,000. I can do d on

finance, because if they didn't have a finance option, you would

have to get a loan from your bank. I was considering getting a loan

and doing it that way but they have finance and I think I am going to

go for the five-year option, which is just �2 less than �100 a month

or something for five years. It's been a crazy day today. I am just

I think about the way I look constantly. It affects me in every

way. I can't even do my hair or make-up without thinking chubby

cheeks. I think about my issues every

minute of every day. There is never really a time they don't bother me.

I think about the way I look all the time. I could be on the phone

to someone and I check myself in the mirror to make sure I look OK.

I am always constantly comparing myself to other people. I am always

looking at other people's noses. That sounds weird but I am always

looking at other people's noses. People who know me probably

describe me as smily, ambitious, a bit of a perfectionist and probably

a bit vain. It is important for me to be the best I can be and so I am

My nose from the front isn't that bad, it is more the profile I don't

like, it hooks over, I would prefer if it was straighter and slimmer. I

don't feel it it works well in bands. It is something I have

always focused on. It is something I would look at more than the rest

of my face. You zoom into the area I booked my surgery today. He wants

to be an open rhinoplasty, which means they have to cut this part of

my nose, shave down the bump, to give me the profile I want to see,

they have to break the bone here and here, which is what is going to

give me possibly black eyes. He is German and usually the stereotype

is they are per fictionist -- perfectionists and into fine detail.

That is a good thing. Oim hoping when it is straightened it is going

to be a lot better. I will probably find something else

This is my breakfast. All I am allowed to have is Clearwater. I

have just left the house. Everyone is feeling pretty tired. I have mum,

my friend Emma and sister Molly. They are all talking about food,

which is not helpful. Here is the Too many people think it is a

massive do, yes, it's surgery, yes, it is risking your life to an

I am not in any pain, I am just feeling a bit uncomfortable. My

nose is constantly dripping blood, but apparently that is normal. My

surgeon has been in to pull out the packing, which wasn't the nicest

experience. But I am about to get ready to leave. I am feeling really

good, bit bruised. But I will see Hello. This is my first proper day

of doing the diet. This evening I am going to get my first weigh-in

to find out what my beginning weight is, so I can lose that

weight over the next few months. That should be go. I am going to

make a shake now. We have here a blender. I want to have this one

hot but you can have them cold or with ice, tastes a bit like a

milkshake, but I have pre-boiled the kettle. Pour the water in and

And then you just pour into your nice big mug. A bit hot, but fresh

for drinking. I am about to drive 96.8, which is 15 stone 2.

42. Hips are 47. Now the weight can only drop off, I hope. I will let

you know what happens over the next coming week.

I have been running along now, quite happily for about half an

hour, and it's going really good. I have definitely got a lot more

energy. I think this is going to definitely help me to train my

Hello. This week has gone really well. I can feel I have really

start today lose weight and so much so that I have never been able to

fit into Urban Outfitters clothing, and I went there and bought a dress,

and it fits! I was really happy 15 stone 2 last week. Well done you,

To be honest, I was originally a little bit disappointed with only

losing 5lbs because I was hoping that I would lose about 7 or

something like that, so I don't know, I thought it was a bit low,

as I have tried so hard this week. I will have to keep on going with

it and hopefully the weight that I felt I should have lost this week,

will come off next week with the rest. We'll see.

It is It's It's been really difficult this week,, I was busy at

college, I have gone out a few times with friends into town, and I

have drunk alcohol, which I am not meant to do on this diet and it's

quite tough because me and my boyfriend broke up yesterday. It's

For as long as I can remember, I have been overweight. I want to

change my weight. I never used to look like this, I used to be nine

stone. Everything is huge and disgusting. At the moment I have

these and I have to walk with these because I have strained ligaments

in my ankle and I blamed it on my running shoes, but I think deep

down we all know it is because of my weight and my joints can't cope

I have lived with my mum since I was about four when my parents

split up. My mum gained a lot of weight due to the depression of the

divorce. Her habit of eating a lot, comfort

eating, turning to food when she was feeling a certain emotion, she

passed those on to me, so I have had those from quite an early age

really. During the day I work as a dog-

I am 25, I am not living the life I want to. I am afraid to go out. I

am afraid to socialise and meet people to follow my dreams. I need

to do something now otherwise I am going to waste the next 30 years of

my life being depressed and fat and unhappy.

With that in mind, in January I started looking to Bariatric

surgery and then I found a procedure called the gastric sleeve

which I read about a lot and decided it was perfect for me.

She is practically my baby, she comes everywhere with me really.

She is my best friend. What the gastric sleeve does is chops off

three-quarters of your stomach and leaves you with a very small

I had a look in the UK at how much this would cost and the procedure

that I am having done would cost about �11,000, which was something

I couldn't even contemplate affording, I am self-employed, I

earn very little, I can't afford to pay rent or car insurance yet. The

place I am going to, the surgery only costs �6,500, I have saved it

in a year, I borrowed a little bit from my father and I have borrowed

some from my mum. The company I am going with are based in the Czech

Republic. I fly out on 22nd July, have the op on the Tuesday and fly

This is me in underwear pre-op, before I have even started the pre-

op diet. As you can see I am quite large, I don't like my arms under

here, they are very chunky. I am hoping when I lose weight the skin

around there doesn't go all saggy. My boobs are quite small in

proportion to my weight. My stomach is an area I really dislike. My

thighs, as you can see, are quite large. They are like tree trunks,

not an area I am fond of. If I turn to the side, oh, lord, then I am

quite wide and my bum sticks out a very long way. I really don't like

the size of my mum. If I turn round, you can see here, I have rolls of

back fat which I don't like. It is all very ugly, very unattractive. I

won't get naked in front of boy friends and even remove underwear,

this is about as maked as -- naked as I will get in front of anyone

and I stay covered up. It is not something I am very comfortable

with. Hopefully once I have lost some weight and I am a lot smaller,

I should start feeling more comfortable in my own body and be

The thing I would like to change about myself is my hair. I am

having a hair transplant. Very unhappy. You are probably looking

at it now thinking it is not a great hair line. I have stuff in it

that makes it look better than it actually is. This is hair in a can

as my mates call it. This is my hair with nothing in and how it

looks. You can see quite a bald I am going to show you now a

picture of when I was about 22- years-old, my hair there, that is a

picture of me with a girlfriend. It is a relatively full head of hair.

I don't expect to get back to that. If I could it would be amazing. I

imagine most people saw a picture of me would think tummy tuck, lip

owe suction, but those issues don't even worry me. Whereas this

particular one, for whatever reason, has got to me. Quite badly really,

I am in London. I am about to get on the Underground to go to the

Harley Street hair clinic for my first consultation, I am really

excited. Bit tired, because I have been up since 2.00am, to get the

overnight bus here for an audition at 9.00. So I am a bit tired. My

hair, yet again, got really sweaty in the audition. So I am not happy

about that. Just looking forward to Just having my morning stretch in

my garden. I have just come back from London. With my consultation

about colour or kind of shape it is going to be, like I didn't want it

too like urban looking. I wanted it to suit my personality and stuff.

I'm a bit stiff today. I hope it's going to look good. I think it will

do. I think it is going to look more masculine. I am feeling a bit

nervous about it as well, because it is going to be a big change for

me. I want to hurry up and get it It is a big thing and... I lost you

there for a second. I think most people would go yeah you look good

and you look different. Your hair has grown two inches down your

forehead. It's taken over my life a a little bit, because that is all I

am thinking about. It is quite an anxious time for me at the moment.

I am trying to keep busy with This is where the magic happens, my

room. And we are going to have a look at some of the photos of

before my accident, when I had lovely hair and lovely skin. This

is when I was around about eight or nine I think it was. I think this

is when I was in year eight, that is when I started to things out

with my hair. This is when I started dying my hair. I went back

to blonde when I turned 17. And I started growing it again when my

baby sister was born. At this point here, I started to really take

It's January. That was where my life changed, probably the most

than it has ever changed, on 6th, a Friday night, I lit a candle in my

room and my lovely long hair dropped into the flame of this

candle, so my hair caught light quite literally and my whole entire

face went up in flames. It is a photo not for the faint hearted I

am afraid. This is the night of my accident.

There is another one where I am looking pretty grim. I became blind

because my face swelled up so much. I lost a chunk of my ear and I was

left with gaping open wounds. But I was lucky enough that just two days

after my injury happened, my eyes I would love to say since my

accident nothing has changed. But you can't go through something of

that magnitude and still be the same afterwards. Once something so

simple and destructive happens to you and something that is so

incredibly traumatic and has such incredible consequences, I might

have just lost my hair and little bits of my face, but I have lost my

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 45 seconds

OK, so, I am here at the surgeons to get my bandage removed. I am

I am trying to look in the mirror. God, it's so weird.

I just feel like my face is very open, I can't explain it.

It's literally like the weirdest feeling in the world. Like looking

at your face and and not being like your face.

My profile is incredible. He was really pleased. It's almost perfect.

My nose is so cute. My eyes are watering again, I feel

like such a loser, stop crying. I am just really happy. This is

actually the best thing I have ever done. Words can't actually even

explain how amazing this feeling is, just to know this thing I hate sod

much about myself -- so much about myself is completely gone.

It's such a relief. I am buzzing. And any word which

What I am going to have is a hair transplant. What is going to happen,

they will strip all my hair at the back, which will last for probably

my lifetime, so it is good hair, a strip is taken from the back, a

strip of skin that is taken, so they can pull the good follicles

out there and plant them into the top of my head.

Good morning. How are you? Very well. Are you ready for today?

about. So, the surgery will be very relaxed, low key. You will be able

to have a drink or have a bit of a snack later. Blood pressure is good.

What I am going to ask you to do then is to sign the consent form.

It's about what possible complications, like your head will

be a bit sore for the next few days, the fact that you may feel numb for

a while, the sensation comes back gradually. It talks about that you

will have a scar hidden with your hair, but should be very fine,

hardly noticeable and that infection is very, very rare.

There are risks involved, you can damage the top your head, it might

not work, the whole process could be a waste of time.

There is ab element of pain you go I have done a hell of a lot of

research and I think celebrities have had them done, and the

research I have done is if they are done well and properly by the right

people, they do work and they do This is what it looks like. It

looks very student at the minute. I can't show the rest of my head

until I have had the staples out which is about ten days or

something like that, until I go back. So I will stopping indoors

for that period of time. But it worked well and what I have got, I

am chuffed to bits really. I hope that I keep everything that's there,

because that would be amazing. Feeling good. Feeling happy.

I have left the house for the first time since my surgery. I am meeting

my mum, to do a bit of shopping. Getting some really funny looks,

but I'm not that bothered. Everything thinks I have been

beaten up or something. I want to say to to everyone, I have had a

nose job. Everybody assumes I have been in a fight. I am getting

How do you feel about this whole experience? Traumatised. Elaborate.

It's probably one of the hardest things, seeing your child, your son,

who you gave birth to, who you think is perfect in every way any

way, to be so unhappy with an element of his appearance that he

feels that he needs to, that the only option for him is surgery. And

it was just the worry of what might happen, the recovery and the fact

that in my mind it wasn't necessary. It's hard to watch her reaction,

her thoughts, because when I filmed this I caught her off-guard and you

can tell that they are genuine thoughts that have affected her.

Our generation is different to her generation. Cosmetic surgery wasn't

a big thing and wasn't that popular when she was younger. It's

completely different, different way of thinking, to think that you

would have a risky surgery to improve your appearance for the

sake of vanity. It was a lot for me to put everyone through, but I felt

in my head it was something I needed to go and I had to be a bit

selfish about it. I think it is going to be worth it. Hopefully

You see in magazines and on internet, if you don't look a

certain weight or do a certain thing, there must be something

wrong with you. I think once or twice I have look indeed a magazine

and seen someone who looks similar to me facially and then had this

killer boed body and I thought oh come on, like I look like that.

Magazines make you think you have to look perfect to do well and have

a nice life. Just because there is so much available right now to fix

yourself, there is no excuse not to. Watching certain programmes on the

TV made me realise if I want it, I can have it done. These people

aren't millionaires, you don't have to be a millionaire to afford

Hello. Yes, it's been a week since surgery today. I have got my friend

Emma round, this is the first time she has come to see me since last

week. Her boobies feel weird. has seen them and had a feel.

are not boobs, they are mountains. It's like she's had the Himalayas

strapped to her chest or something. I tried tried You are like

Frankenhooker, you still have stitch marks, you are like

It's time to say bye to all my old I have not done that before. That

is so ridiculous, look at the difference. The bras I have to wear

now compared to what I used to wear, it is such a joke. It looks like

this one is for a five-year-old. I am still a 32 band, so they are the

same length but look at the cup difference. It's slightly

embarrassing even. And this is a 32 D. 32 bloody da.. Proof. It's not

about the numbers though. You have to remember, it is not about the

number, it is about the confidence, how you look naked, how you feel in

your skin. I have had this top, my friend Emma gave me this top, when

I was 15 or something. I had nothing to show for it. I never

Hello. I love it. I love how it looks, it's great. This is the

excellent bra that I am wearing. Look at them. They are so fun. It's

like a handful, or a bit more. Maybe two handfuls. Look at those

They are still a bit sore every now and again, but they do the trick.

That's pretty much all from me. What the gastric sleeve does is

chops off three-quarters of your stomach and leaves you with a very

small stomach in its place. The company I am going with are

We just went for a gastroscopy and they just said like there and she's

going to put something in to your arm and then they will do it and

the next thing I knew I was in a waiting area and not having a clue

OK, so it's the night before the operation. My very last night

before I get sleeved, as tomorrow my stomach will be three-quarters

of the size it is today and I will be on a liquid diet for a few weeks,

so it will be an interesting day tomorrow. Can't wait.

I know how worried my mum is about the surgery. I know how worried my

friends are. Scared about the possibility that I might not wake

up. That is not something I want to happen on vusly -- obviously. Now I

am a little bit panicked just in case anything goes wrong, if

anything happens. No, I am not My biggest fear about my France

formation is what happens -- transformation is what happens if I

am slim, if I am attractive, and nobody still likes me, I still feel

unworthy, unlovable, that men won't be interested in me, what happens

if changing my body doesn't change the way I feel about myself and

I am in ICU, that was the worst experience of my life. Dear God,

when I woke up, I thought thought I was dying, I was in absolute agony.

I have been throwing up blood. My scars on my stomach are killing. I

have still got the drains in, I will show you, still got drains in

my stomach, pumping out the blood and I still have an IV in my arm. I

will have these in all night and possibly the drain for a couple of

OK, so I am finally home. They told me I would feel like I had been hit

by a truck and I did. On Tuesday I was thinking holy crap why have I

done this to myself, you stupid bitch, you could have done it the

easy way, without the surgery, because I was in so, so much pain

that I was cursing myself. I will show you my scars now that I am a

few days out. These are my battle wounds. They are not too bad, the

little ones. This is the worst one worst one and that is where my

stomach was removed. That is where most of my pain is coming from. So

I have just got to rest as much as I can and keep drinking the liquids

while it it heels over the next few days. I am so glad I did it, I just

So, like, I can't believe that this day has come round so quick. And

like, it's just sunk in that it's # I'm about to lose control and I

think I like it # I'm so excited and I just can't

hide it # I know, I know, I know, I know I

want you That sums up how I am feeling in

the medium of song and dance. You can see it's starting to go. It

It be won't be drawn on like this, it will be like dot, dot, dot, to

That is us all done now Jamie. going to go and look in the mirror.

It's wicked, I love it. How are you feeling? Yeah, great,

it is amazing. So different. Gosh, I look so different with it. It

does look a bit red, but that will I'm just in Blackpool picking up my

friend Natalie. She's just finished rehearsals and it is the first time

she will see my new hair, a couple of days after my treatment and I am

so happy with it, over the moon, all the redness has gone down and

everything. I wonder what she will say.

Hi, hurry up, you nutter, I am going to get done. How are you

doing. I love it. Here we are under the tower. How do you like it?

is amazing. It looks like real hair. It is amazing, isn't it. Touch it.

Oh my God. It feels like real hair. I am so happy with it. Love d.

I don't want to stay ugly. But it's really close to that, how I see

distorted and disfigured, really OK, so this is some of my daily

routine. Around about 3.00, about the time that I would take this off.

You get to see what I really look like. As you can see, there is a

lot of scarring around here and there is a lot missing from my ear,

and this is what I am trying to get rid of. And this hair used to be

right down here, so I miss it a lot. This is what I have to do every day.

Washing away anything horrible that shouldn't be on there. These are

silicone-based patches which makes sure that the scars soften. That is

all reassembled. I put this on over And make sure this is in the right

place. Now I am really playing a waiting

game, which is the worst part I think, because it is not knowing

whether I'm healing in the way I should be. That's quite scary.

I would absolutely love to meet someone who can see beyond my scars

and love me for who I am, and yes, I would love a white and pink

wedding, and I would love children. But if that doesn't happen, it

doesn't happen. It's not for me to I am never going to look the way I

want to, because of the things in my way. But I can't see how people

who are naturally beautiful want to risk losing that just to make

themselves look a little bit more I am just arriving at Wimpole

Street to get my cast taken off. I am lucky enough it is round the

corner from where I work. This is the last time you are going to see

How do you feel? Good. It's so straight, thank you. I love it.

It's surreal. It looks amazing. Incredible. Having had two weeks of

looking at a cast. How do you feel looking at it? It doesn't feel like

me. I have never seen you before, before your rhinoplasty, but it

looks like the nose you should have been born with. If I had an image

in my mind, it is exactly what I I just thought I would get back in

the mirror and show you my new hair. It's given me more confidence. I

have got a job dancing in America now. I don't think I would have

been able to have done it so easily without the confidence after having

my hair done. I am glad I am happy with it, I because I can't really

go back, I can't really change it. I am currently on a run at the

moment, and botox is working really well. Not even slightly sweating

under there but soaked all the way Looking back, I don't think losing

weight was actually as important as I thought it would be, but then I

think it was mostly other people telling me that it was the most

important thing. I have gained a lot more control and independence

about what I want to do and I have realised, fair enough, I might need

to do t but I decide when I want to do it and I will do it the way I

want to and that is what I am doing Don't like it, looking in the

mirror constantly, doing that to see if any more hair falls out, it

is going to be a difficult few months dealing with that, I am

pleased the scar is healing well. It's just waiting to see how things

turn out. I am in the hands of the That was before the surgery how it

was, without my hair in a can, that was about two months ago, so it

wasn't great really. And that is current. It is a matter of it

thickening up now, that is what I want to happen and what will make

me over the moon and delighted with My skin is absolutely perfect, I do

that and it's smooth, I know one day my scars will go, and they are

so minimal at the moment. So I am so chuffed, where I have got to,

and just where I am at this moment in time, with my confidence and my

My scar is almost completely gone, you can probably see underneath,

there is a Tynely line. Since I have had the nose job, I have gone

on to have my upper set of teeth and lower set of teeth changed

slightly. The top is now completely straight line, whereas before the

I I wouldn't mind having my boobs done, not because I want massive

boobs, because they are not that small, by it is more like the shape,

I want them to be rounder. This is actually the top I wore originally

before, you can definitely compare it and see the difference and it's

great. The only thing is, I any I would probably want to go bigger if

anything eventually. I am now 13 weeks out, so just over three

months and I am down 61lbs as of the weigh-in this morning. I have a

defined waist. I feel a lot more confident like this than how I

looked three months ago. The whole journey is down to me now, yes, I

have a smaller stomach but if I don't make the right choices every

day, every meal in fact, then the weight won't come off. There have

been lots of changes regarding my home life. I have a serious

boyfriend, and I have actually moved into his house. I am still