Make Me Happy: A Monkey's Search for Happiness

I'm Nina. I'm married and I have two children and I have a fun job

but a few months back, I started to really worry

about whether I was getting the best out of life

and started to question, is this it?

So I knew that out there,

there was a whole industry professing to help with this kind of angst

so I entered the world of New Age Therapies

to find out whether it was populated by charlatans or to see if they'd be able to help me.

That's not the whole story. Nina has a monkey.

Yes, I omitted to say that I'm a ventriloquist.

And I came with her on this journey

cos she gets swept away with this kind of shit.

So ironically, it was up to me, her imaginary friend,

to keep it real.

THEY YELL AT EACH OTHER

You've got the car. You've got the house.

Your finances seem reasonable, you've got the family but something's missing.

Argh! Ha-ha-ha!

-You're Nina's husband?

-Yes.

What do you think about your wife's search for enlightenment?

I think it's stupid.

Enlightenment is a process of feeling lighter every day.

Don't you feel there's something in there?

I'm not sure she goes that deep.

HE ROARS

Why won't you look at me?!

I'm just not really enjoying it.

What, life?

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

Everything is going to come back to discovering who you are.

SHE SCREAMS

She's fabulous, and I'm not going to say anything other than her name.

So would you please welcome on stage

Nina Conti.

-Hello. Uh, this is exciting.

-Yeah.

Do they know it's ventriloquism?

Yeah, they catch on quick.

-Do they know how I feel about it?

-I don't know.

-I think it's a dead art.

-OK.

What are we doing?

I thought I'd go on the search for enlightenment, Monkey.

Nice easy achievable horizons, then.

No biggie.

So, where to start, Conti?

Well, there's a book shop in London

famous for its massive collection of New Age and occult books.

What's wrong with a good John Le Carre?

Where do we begin?

I don't know, alphabetically?

Goes from magic to secret societies, astrology and...

-Special offers.

-Yeah, best sellers.

Hmm.

-Breathing, this one.

-Breathing?

Yeah, why don't you master that?

Reiki.

I don't know, it's not exactly a page-turner.

I can experience that if you just unglove yourself.

That's the one, Look for Yourself.

"The Science and Art of Self-Realisation."

New Age Literature's exploded from a specialist niche

into a multi-million pound industry.

Yes, and what does that say about humans today?

-Try not to just go for the largest font, Nina.

-Yeah.

Imagine I'm a metal detector.

Just scan me over it, and I'll beep when I get to the good one.

Over, over, over, got it.

-Naked Being?

-Yeah, get it. Read it.

-There you are.

-"Undressing your mind and transforming your life."

-Essences.

-Smells, in other words.

It's Joan Rivers.

No, no, no. It's not Joan Rivers.

Well, they share a facial surgeon.

Oh, shit. I love this. Pick and mix. Are these minty?

No, Monkey, they're not...not to eat.

In the shop window, I see a guy doing tarot card readings.

Hmm. Maybe he can tell us the future of our journey.

Hello. I'm Nina.

Next card, near future card.

Well, bit difficult card,

so many thoughts, a crowd, you know.

-OK.

-Coming and going too fast, traffic.

-All right.

-Traffic is too fast.

-Too fast.

Oh ho! Very difficult card.

Loneliness,

-tension, tied up.

-Hmm.

OK, the last card.

That is your card.

I don't believe it. "Totally bananas"?

That's our ultimate destiny

and that is why she has an imaginary friend.

Oh, well, you are very lucky.

Do you think he just got that one cos I'm a monkey?

No, I chose the card.

-he didn't choose the card.

-We were set up.

No, it wasn't. Anyway, what does it matter?

You know, you haven't got the attention span

for the whole book thing.

Well, yeah, I'm happier doing something practical

and that's why I want to meet Shazzy, the raw food expert.

She claims that raw food can help me find deep bliss and happiness.

Maybe a little gash on the way.

OK. Come on, Monkey, we're here.

Going to get enlightened through lettuce or something?

Well, we'll see.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello, I'm Monkey.

-Hello, Monkey.

I went raw originally 12 years ago

because I was very depressed. I had an amazing job.

I had a fantastic boyfriend, a beautiful house.

Really nice new car. All the things,

lovely family, great friends, great social life

and I was empty.

-Wow.

-I was completely empty.

And what I discovered along the road,

I would say the raw food was a huge part of it.

-All right, let's eat.

-Shall we?

-I want to find out what kind of things you like to eat.

-OK.

I eat latte and croissant in the morning, and I eat...what do I eat?

Lunch is like a sandwich or a soup, or a salad.

I'm so bored, I'm going to die.

Look at this. This has got loads and loads of greens in it.

-Oh, it looks like I did that.

-But it's sweet.

That's very much... very fieldy-looking.

It's real chocolate in its uncooked form. Do you want to try some?

That's weird, isn't it?

How would I know?

-I'm going to try really hard not to eat these.

-Really?

And do you get really skinny on all this food?

I'm sitting here while you're eating this shit. I don't know what to do.

Well, I'm sorry you can't be involved.

-This is a cheese that I've made.

-Cashew cheese.

-Cashew cheese.

My intention is to feel more connected and more calm

and more enlightened and less stressy day-to-day lifey sort of thing.

How do you think that this would help that?

It will help but you can also do other things.

You can seek other things that are going to unravel you.

We're going to meet my shaman and he's called Shaun,

-and he also looks a bit like a monkey.

-Really?

-Yep.

-And he's your shaman?

-He's my shaman.

-Your personal shaman?

-He's a lot of people's shaman.

-You let him out?

-I call him my witch doctor.

-Right.

-So, you know, he kind of...

-He makes potions.

-He does make a few potions.

-What are we going to do, exactly?

-We're going to tweak your feet.

-OK. How nice.

And then just relax.

Relax, it's a nice thing.

Just relax, just relax and let it flow.

I'd like to know when you became a shaman.

Basically, I ingested a plant substance one day

and I realised that, um,

I had been basing my existence on a belief system which wasn't true.

-Right.

-And that I'd actually had an experience

where my soul left my body, and I went into a different dimension.

And this plant helped you find that out?

To have this realisation.

Without the plant, do you think you would have ever found it?

I think eventually, I feel there's so many different paths

-to finding the one truth...

-Hmm.

-..in so many different languages.

Kind of feel like I'm at a party.

-But that's what life is now!

-Life is a party?

-Life is a party.

Is there a goal?

-It's more of a journey.

-Right.

It's a journey.

I've been eating sprouting mung beans.

-I've been questioning my whole existence.

-In what way?

Well, I have a hand up my arse, therefore I am.

The rest is a charade.

And what's brought this on?

Well, I've been eating some tasty plants in the back garden.

-You're mean.

-No, seriously.

Someone who's successfully changed their life

and given up a lucrative career in trading

and become a guru is this woman, Guru Kaur.

Is there any money in it?

The word "guru" means... "Gu" means darkness

and "ru" means light.

So it means the process of going from darkness to light.

The thing about darkness into light...

You're worried, aren't you? You don't have the darkness.

I'm a little worried because I can be tetchy and unpleasant at times.

-And I can be gloomy and rubbish.

-Yeah.

But something dark or a real crisis, I don't think I've had.

There needs to be a moment where you say,

"This life is not enough for me, I want more."

I would love to be a much better person.

Also, I've got children, I have to give them the best time possible.

-Absolutely.

-And I want to be at my full potential.

-I really do because I'm awful when I'm angry and stuff.

-No, as a...

-As a mother, the mother is a child's first teacher.

-Uh-huh.

And your role with your children is fundamental to shaping their future.

They're teaching you that you need to do something

-about your tetchiness, your grumpiness.

-Yeah, yeah.

They are teaching you.

-How do you get a turban?

-How do you get a turban?

-Yeah.

You go and buy one. You buy five metres of fabric and you tie it on.

That's how you get a turban.

-You don't need any permission to wear one?

-Absolutely not.

-It goes on first thing in the morning?

-Yeah.

For me it's almost like a self-crowning,

like saying, "This is who I am."

I am the opposite of a whore, if you want to, you know...

-Right.

-I feel...majestic.

-Oh, that's a pity.

-Oh, Monkey that's awful.

-What did you say?

-Oh, that's a pity.

-Well...

-We were getting on so well.

We are getting on well, aren't we, Monkey?

But you know, there's other ways to relate to people than sex.

-Ooh, that feels good.

-You like it?

-That is what pulls it together. There you go.

-It's nice.

-So...

-It does slightly affect your hearing.

Hello. You're a dog.

'No, I'm not. I'm an angel.'

Oh, are you? You talk too. I didn't know you...

DOG BARKS

THEY CHANT

I have to say, Nina, I found the look of you in that turban slightly troubling.

But I loved it. I loved wearing a turban and doing Kundalini yoga

and feeling like somebody else.

But you can't just dress your way to enlightenment.

You can't just wear the clothes.

You've got to do some study and read the books.

-Yeah, I know.

-Good Lord.

Women these days. Honestly.

The New Age seems bursting with various brands of yoga

and the one we're about to do is laughter.

So insulting, Nina. Don't I bring laughter into your life?

Well, no, because I always know what you're going to say.

We're going to be doing laughter as yoga. So people often ask,

are we going to be doing yoga postures or anything else.

We're not, you can if you want to but you're not obliged to

so you can keep your legs not around your head.

We're going to be laughing for no reason.

So no jokes, no comedy, nothing to get,

you can't be inside or outside what's going on,

we're just going to be laughing for no reason,

which you'll be experts at by the end of the hour.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

ALL: Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

-Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

-ALL: Ha-ha-ha.

-Ooh, hoo-hoo-hoo.

-Hoo-hoo-hoo.

Oooh! Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, God!

Wa-ha-ha!

Hee-hee-hee-hee!

Very good, very good, yay!

-Altogether.

-ALL: Very good, very good, yay!

LAUGHTER

STRAINED LAUGHTER

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

LAUGHING CONTINUES

I feel lonely.

Ha-ha!

-I want to die.

-Ha-ha-ha!

I want to slit my furry little wrists.

Aaaaah! Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha(!)

Ha-ha, ha-ha. Hee-hee.

Hee, hee, hee. I can't do it, Nina.

No, I found it intensely difficult, I have to say.

-I mean, I think she's a force for good.

-Yeah, she's nice.

But you know, I felt very... For me, it was very depressing.

Here we go, another invitation.

This yoga session promises to help me discover the animal I really am,

free from the trappings of normal life.

In other words, you've got to get your kit off.

-Did you have a look in there?

-Yeah, I did.

At least it's not a swingers' party, Nina.

Of course it isn't. You keep bringing it down to this.

Let's be high-minded. Honestly.

Let's get to a higher plane, it's not about that.

OK, if you're ready?

Yeah, I think so.

Just don't interrupt me with your weirdest thoughts.

Check out who's got the biggest dick.

(I'm not going to do that.)

It's all about listening to your body

and acting in accordance to that.

So there's no "should" in any way. There's no "you should do this,"

or there's no pushing or forcing or ambition.

It's more an enquiry into how your body is feeling today.

There is some theory that, they say

that the chi around the body kind of is stuck by clothes,

-particularly artificial fibres.

-Right.

-Cotton is better.

But don't, like, quote me because I'm not a real authority on that.

I think it's the best thing I've seen so far.

Really? Ah, thank you, Monkey.

It's funny, you get to know yourself through it that way, I suppose.

You do, well it is an enquiry into being human,

-into being yourself, that's what it's all about.

-Yeah.

-An open enquiry into who you are.

-Yeah.

Did you enjoy it?

No!

-Why not?

-I felt shy.

You didn't look shy. Got your tits out, got your arse out,

got out the whole caboodle.

I didn't really have a choice.

There's a choice. You dirty slut!

Right, so I've met a shaman,

a tarot card reader, a raw foodist and a laughter yogist.

Yeah, and we're done with tits and turbans.

But apparently, that's just the tip of the iceberg

cos there's a convention happening where all alternative intelligence converges in one enormous epicentre.

Da-da-dah!

Grimsby.

-You seem jolly.

-Well, I'm quite excited, Monkey.

About Grimsby? What good thing ever came out of Grimsby?

Don't be like that. I...

This is going to be really exciting

because we've been doing this and that in London and it's been OK

but it's difficult to sustain the feeling of, you know,

energy and goodness that you get from these things

but here everybody's going to be under one roof.

Oh, God.

Oh, is this it?

Is it Christmas decorations?

No, they're candles.

Can't eat that on the raw food diet.

Aromatherapy, jingly-janglies...

Where do we start?

What's your definition of enlightenment?

-I haven't got one.

-You haven't got one?

-No, I'll tell you when it happens.

-Ah, right.

Is it working yet?

Well, it's...it empties my mind.

I wondered why I wasn't saying anything.

You feel enlightened?

I feel much nicer, thank you. It was really nice, yeah.

I want one next time.

-Didn't touch my head.

-No, never mind.

-You do aura photography?

-We do, yes.

Can you do our collective aura, Nina and mine?

Can we have a go?

Can we sit in the seat?

Does she have to think anything?

No, just be in your own space and look at the camera. There you go.

So, were you trying to radiate anything when you did it?

No, I had a very blank mind.

How do you get the aura in the camera? How does it do it?

You've got sensors on your hands,

-so on your hand, there's, like, sensors.

-Right.

Then what they do is acupressure points. You put them onto here.

Ah, that's what it is.

And that tree, that sort of green foliage coming from her head,

-what's that? That's the future stuff?

-That's the future.

-That's connecting with animals, and you've got the monkey.

-Oh, yeah.

But the animals, the nature and all new ideas coming.

What's this, what does this do?

This is a metatronic healing tool.

And what this actually does is, this connects with sacred geometry.

-Wow.

-Did you make it yourself? In the garage?

-No. The Buddhist Monks from Glastonbury made it.

-Oh, really?

But can you time-travel with it?

Probably you could if you wanted to, if you meditated on it,

so if you held it and meditated on it, you could, yeah.

-Yeah.

-It's very relaxing.

It reminds of the flux capacitor in Back To The Future.

SHE CHANTS

Removing any blocks where you may have been killed,

from the witch, psychic, closing down your psychic powers

and we ask for this world to be saved by the hand of God.

It is done. It is done. It is done.

I was trying to see, but I can't actually see with these marble eyes.

Cos her eyes were closed, I missed the whole show.

Ooh! Two things have jumped out at me, and I mean jumped out at me.

-You're a Virgo.

-Yeah.

-That's good.

You've got Mercury very close to the line. That is communication.

Well, I mean, if you've not followed your chart,

that is amazing, isn't it?

What the fuck is it all about, Nina?

Is it really about angels and crystals?

All right, so you're going to set fire to a candle in Nina's ear?

Yes.

I'm highly flammable, I should say at this point.

I'm not sure I...

Ooh, it's going in.

# Happy birthday to you... #

You two worry too much.

You worry about where life's going to take you. Just go with the flow.

She's looking for enlightenment.

Ah, the big E. The Enlightenment.

I think you are the creative side of Nina.

And I think she can say things to people through you that she can't say to them in person.

Yeah, she's hardly spoken since we sat down. Have you noticed?

-I noticed, yeah.

-She's a bit of a...

Enlightenment is always within.

You can't find it on a stall. You'll not find it from somebody out there.

You've got the car, you've got the house.

Your finances seem reasonable, you've got the family, but something is missing.

And it's the spiritual side of us, we are spiritual by nature...

Do you think I'm unhealthy for Nina?

No, absolutely not, everybody should have a voice.

-You know?

-Or two.

-Or two.

Excuse me... NINA SNEEZES

Bless you, bless you.

Bless you. That's a sign of a spirit.

You're allergic to the spirits.

-That's a sign of a spirit coming through, actually.

-Is it really?

You know, I'm finding your target seriously soft.

I just don't feel good with you sniping at well-meaning folk who believe in angels, you know?

I'm getting frustrated.

All these things don't have a sustaining effect on this search for enlightenment.

My God, does it even exist?

Well, monks sacrificed years of their lives, Nina.

They sacrificed their whole lives doing meditation.

You can't expect to get it in a quick TV show.

Yeah, but I haven't got years to give,

I haven't got sacrifice to give.

You know, what's there for the normal person?

I don't know. What do you suggest?

'It's time to up the ante, Monkey.

-'Do what?

-In Scotland, OK, there's a radical retreat

'where for three days you can be reborn through primal therapy.

'I've got no idea what I'm letting myself in for here.

'Things are about to get heavy.'

-Hello.

-Hello, how are you?

-And welcome.

-Ah, thank you.

-Welcome to Scotland and Penninghame.

-Thank you very much. This is Monkey.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hi, Monk.

-Hello.

-Hello, nice to meet you, Raymond.

Well, this is very exciting.

-Hello.

-Hello, participants.

-Hi.

-Nice to meet you.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-We're slightly ridiculous. We feel ridiculous right now.

-Yeah.

So how do you feel about doing the course, Monkey?

Oh, I'm here as a journalist. It's Nina that's going to do it.

-OK, Nina is doing it.

-I will participate.

-Yeah, OK, so you participate in this.

-Yes.

What is this course?

Where do we start?

The first course I done of this nature many years ago,

-maybe, I don't know...

-15 years.

15 years ago, I was terrified.

There was one point I went to grab hold of Marie and run out.

They were all bonkers here, you know.

I have some friends, they come and knocked on the door of the house in London.

"Where you been? What you been doing?"

I told them about the course. "We want to come."

How did you describe it?

-I didn't have to, they just looked at me.

-Really?

And they said, "Whatever you've been doing,

"we want some of that," basically. Of course I told them...

I hate to say it, but you're not quite giving off that radiance tonight.

This is 15 years ago.

That's Ray Winstone, that's not you.

-That's amazing.

-You went from Ray Winstone to Michael Caine.

I don't know why Monkey says the things he says.

That's your first faux pas, Monkey. You do look fabulous.

I feel like I'm being experimented on by rich people.

An inner process has begun.

Are we going to get tears?

I want high emotions, Nina.

Not doing any more of this shopping around the alternative therapy circuit.

I want some high, high stakes.

Can't promise you tears, Monkey.

Why are you so placid, for God's sakes?

I don't know, maybe I'm just sort of normal.

Apart from me.

Apart from you, I think I'm pretty normal, yeah.

GONG CLASHES

TABLA DRUMBEAT

Ten minutes of breathing .

SHE PANTS QUICKLY

The more you breathe, the more intensely you breathe,

the rest of the meditation will follow itself.

That will catalyse everything that comes after.

So after the breathing, expression,

everything out, whatever's triggered will come out of you.

I'll be your eyes.

OK.

THEY BREATHE QUICKLY

NINA BREATHES QUICKLY

Do the arm thingy. The funky chicken.

Oh, God!

How do you feel?

Ridiculous.

THEY YELL

YELLING AND SCREAMING

Oh, Monkey.

Oh, fucking hell!

This is bullshit!

I fucking hate this!

SCREAMING CONTINUES

Oh! Oh, Monkey.

Does every day start this way?

I swear to God, by day three, you'll be howling with the best of them.

I don't like it.

GONG CLASHES

Thank God for that.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Oh, now for the jumping.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Ho. Ho.

Ho! Ho!

Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

Ho! Ho!

RAGA MUSIC PLAYS

Breakfast, showers,

and we meet back here at 10.15, OK?

Thank you.

-This is Monkey.

-Hello, Monkey.

-Pleased to meet you.

-Hello.

-Nice to meet you, Rosie.

-This morning I found difficult.

-Yes.

She felt ridiculous.

And I found the breathing hard

'and then the dancing wasn't so hard'

-but the breathing and the 'ho-ing' was hard.

-Yes.

Yeah, it's quite unusual.

So when you do it for the first time, it's sort of...

It's hard. You know, come out of a normal life and into this

and you think, "Oh, my God, I don't think I can do it, I feel so silly."

Yeah, it takes a little time, you know, to start breathing,

-to start coming down into the body, that's natural.

-Mm-hmm.

We're going down towards our childhood

so we just begin to open the door.

This was my bedroom. I had bunk beds.

I was an only child, but I had bunk beds just for the fun of it.

And I remember calling for juice in the night, my mum coming with juice.

I remember really hurting my mum's feet

with this little toy that I used to ride on called Rabbit Runaway

and I drove over her feet on purpose.

But it really upset me because it reminded me

how much my mum did for me as a toddler in those boring years

and that I'm doing that now.

And I felt that I hadn't appreciated her at all,

and I'm nasty to her, so that's...

Yeah, amazing, the amount of stuff that I'm not... Thank you.

I don't have a home or a family.

So, mothers,

your role here is that you're going to be totally unavailable mothers.

You're going to be preoccupied,

you're not listening, you're not present. You're not there.

So you will go in as a presence to your child

and you will just stand at the end of the mattress where your child is

and you will just...be there.

You don't have to say anything or do anything.

And the child, of course, will be asking for attention -

and you will just not be there.

There's a lot of absent parenting sometimes,

not really there, not really present.

So that's your role.

That's all you have to do, is just do that.

TRIBAL DRUMBEAT PLAYS

MAN YELLS

YELLING CONTINUES

WOMAN SCREAMS

Take the cushion, Gordon.

Take the cushion.

HE YELLS

Why won't you look at me?!

LOOK AT ME!

LOOK AT ME!

HE YELLS

Just look away, just keep cool,

keep cool, keep calm, keep cool.

Just be cold, cold.

Not present.

RHYTHMIC BANGING IN BACKGROUND

(I feel bad for that guy.)

Pardon?

(I feel bad for that guy. Then that made me upset, but I mean it's...)

-Yes.

-(..you know.)

But that upsetness that you feel that is you, that's your feelings.

-Aha. Not his feelings you mean?

-No.

DAWN CHORUS

We're going start the process again around mother.

So we're going to start this time by painting an actual

picture of your mother, as you see her.

Poor mother getting dragged into this shit.

Let's stick her up there.

When you've done that,

come and choose a hat which is appropriate for your mother.

And then you can just begin to walk around the room,

try and find her rhythm.

Other mothers in the room, introduce yourself.

And talk as your mother. Be your mother, fully.

-Hello.

-Hello. What's your name?

-Kara.

-Caroline? Kara.

At the moment, my chief task is babysitting for Nina - for her two boys.

She then told us that there was...

They're with us at the moment, and yes, it's quite tiring,

but it's absolutely lovely. He's a lovely baby.

I'll tell you all about him and I won't stop talking all night, if you ask me.

OK. So, close your eyes, go inside.

And you're going to step out...

of your mother's energy...

symbolically, you can just take your hats off and put them on the table.

-And your badges.

-And your name badges.

When I first got into my mum, I thought, "Oh, this is easy and light

"and fun," you know.

"Must be fun to be her."

But then I kind of played her like a bit of a bitch which is a bit weird.

I don't know why I did that, it came out, I don't know why, cos she's not.

But I kept sort of making silly comments. I don't know,

I don't make a very good version of my mother.

And how has your day been for you?

And the day has been a big long day and lots of things

and in this very relaxed atmosphere,

the earlier screaming seems like a distant memory.

But...I'll get used to it all, so, yeah.

You're starting to seem a little smug.

What do you mean?

All these people baring their souls.

You're always sitting on the outside with the Monkey,

suggesting you have better ways to do things.

I think you should try it wholeheartedly.

I can't fake it.

Well, I don't care.

I think you should try to get beyond the fake.

ALL SCREAM

This process that we said in the introduction -

it's an inner journey

and it's really to be, you know, kind of in silence

and with yourself, and see what is coming up for you.

And I saw the difficulty of that yesterday for you,

in that when you're trying to do anything we do here

you're also running, you know, a movie

and directing and so on, and thinking about all of that.

I'm going to ask that certain exercises here

are done without Monkey.

You can make a movie here and not do the process

and direct the film or whatever is going on here.

No, I have to do both.

But if you want integrity...

Mmm-hmm.

..if you want truth, do your journey and be touched by that journey.

-Yeah.

-OK? The invitation is there.

Oh, thank you.

I've got a real problem with the main guy.

You have?

-Yeah. I really don't trust him.

-Why not?

He reminds me of a bully. He's like a bully.

Why's that?

He's got that "don't answer me back" sort of thing about him.

To help Nina to get into the process,

maybe we take the monkey. If we take away the monkey, kidnap it...

It is difficult for her, obviously, having the cameramen,

everybody following, and having the puppet. It's very difficult for her.

-So if we take it now before she goes back in...

-Yeah.

Because I've seen the bag, it's over there,

and the monkey is on its own, so we can take it.

And, then, at certain point, she's obviously going to realise the monkey is not there,

and then we see if it helps her to get into...

-Let's see what comes up.

-Yeah.

Maybe she's pretty cool about it.

But I think, you know, it's a good opportunity to do that.

-Yeah, it's just to help her, because she is not an easy...

-It's a chance.

-Yeah.

-It's a chance we take.

-Yeah.

Yeah, I say we go for it.

With the best interests - with her very, very best interests at heart.

-I hope you feel mean.

-No.

SHE CHUCKLES

Hmm.

If they've taken Monkey...

then it's war.

Have you guys seen my monkey anywhere?

Yes.

-Yes, we have, Nina. We've taken the monkey.

-Oh.

So we wanted to see, you know, what reaction you'd have to that.

-What, to you taking him?

-Yes.

I'm deeply irritated by it.

Love it. Good.

Yeah, I knew you were the type to push the buttons and all that shit.

But I've got to make a documentary.

You've given me a storyline which is quite good - I am grateful for that -

but I wanted to be able to take stock with him afterwards

and speak about what I've experienced on my own, before, you know...

And what would it be like if you couldn't do that?

Screaming hordes of British viewers shouting

"Give her back the monkey."

Are they? They might be more interested in your journey, what you're doing.

I was doing it anyway!

-Yeah, you were in a way, but...

-I was.

We can see that with the film going on and your constant...

You've taken Monkey, that's just so crap of you.

That's so out of...

That's so rude.

-We're interested in your journey down here.

-Hmm.

Come into contact with feelings and see what's there.

Mmm-hmm. No, I understand that,

and I was really on board with that before the sort of trickery happened.

Now I'm a bit resentful of you guys.

OK, you can be angry at us

or you can see it as an adventure and explore.

The thing is that story to me...

is more important than life, in some ways.

-The story to you is more important than life.

-So...

-Story. The concept...

-Yes. Ah. Uh-huh.

-..is more enlightening...

-Yes.

..than daily life, I think, in some ways.

So I'm grateful to you for making this story turn.

-I'm not interested so much in making a story out of this.

-No.

-I'm interested in your journey...

-Yeah, my journey.

..and whether you get something from this or not.

-It's fine, take the monkey.

-OK.

Keep him away from any moths.

OK. We'll keep him in very good care.

Yeah, I'm really upset.

I'm really upset because it's not his to take.

SHE SIGHS

It's a trespass. That's why I'm annoyed.

Buggered if I'm going to let him see me cry now.

I'm going to lock up all my emotions in protest.

OK, we're going to do a quick round

and check in with everybody to see where they're at from this morning

before we start this afternoon exercise.

In an interesting turn,

the Penninghame...

the Penninghame mafia have stolen my monkey.

NINA LAUGHS

And so, yeah, he's been confiscated.

I don't know where he is.

OK.

One dance track just to get up a little bit of energy

so just enjoy this one track.

The music is going to be shit.

MUSIC: "Born To Be Wild" by Steppenwolf

NINA SNIGGERS

SNIGGERING CONTINUES

Whatever the expression is,

your body follows the expression of your hands.

SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYS

RHYTHMIC MUSIC PLAYS

NINA GROWLS

BOTH SNARL

Monkey-stealing fucker!

You fucking...

Fucking heavy.

Give me a lighter cushion, you bloody morons!

Pictures that you put on the wall.

How it was...

to make way...

..for something new to come in.

And do it with real intention.

I don't want to rip up my mum and dad's face.

This is really about, you know... This is about you

and patterns that are left behind

from the past that you say goodbye to and make way for something new.

Of course you're not ripping your parents up, of course.

No, I know, but it's a weird symbolism.

Just put them in the bin.

'I really, really, really want to home to my children, yeah.

'I can't wait to see them.

'But I'm also interested to see what happens tomorrow.'

Does your mind actually change when you don't have Monkey or not really?

No, it doesn't change enough.

I think that's what people think - it's like you can't be yourself with Monkey.

But do you think you can actually be yourself?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I can be myself when Monkey is on my hand.

'So what now? Is there anything you need to attend to

'or are there any sort of niggly feelings going on?'

'I feel guilty that my mum didn't maybe...'

that her needs weren't met,

that she... Yeah, I feel guilty that her needs weren't met.

So she's really given her whole life to me...

And that is really hard to...

-..to, you know, to feel a bit responsible for that.

-OK.

-This is now Mum.

-OK.

What do you want to say to your mum?

-Thank you, Mum.

-Thank you, Mum.

NINA SIGHS

And I'm so sorry.

Have you sensed that that's received over here?

Do you get a sense of her being here for a minute?

Mmm.

And she's receiving it?

Mmm.

There's nothing for you to be guilty for.

Constellation that we're going to do here,

this is a kind of variation of a constellation work

that was created by Bert Hellinger.

So it really is interesting work to do,

where you can see, in some way, the unseen.

You can solve problems that may exist that you cannot get to normally.

So, here, Nina...

What I want you to do...

Symbolically - I want you to hold that - that's a bag of guilt.

NINA CHUCKLES OK.

And I want to ask you just to walk around with it.

-OK.

-And as you're walking, just feel it.

Perhaps you could tell me a little what it's like to carry that.

It's draining and boring.

It'd be really nice just to put it down.

And do you get any sense of where that belongs?

-Where it belongs?

-Yeah.

Yeah, it doesn't belong with me. I should put it down somewhere else.

Any idea where it belongs?

I just got it, I don't know where it came from.

I got it, I got given it.

-You got given it?

-I think so.

Who did you get given it by?

Er... My mum, I suppose.

OK. Your mother is here symbolically.

Hmm.

I don't want to give it back to her. I want to put it over there.

You don't have to give it back to her, but you can just set it down on the floor.

"This is not mine."

That's not mine.

It feels very nice.

"I give it back."

I give it back.

I was in a relationship that didn't have very much future

and I got pregnant,

and I was really upset to be pregnant

cos I couldn't have the baby.

But also everything my mother had given me

about being a mother being the most important thing...

It felt awful because I couldn't have this child

and I took... I had an abortion

and I felt very badly about it, and took it very hard.

And it was a weird year and I did lots of different things

and then I found Monkey, and I started working with Monkey.

And so that's why I took it quite badly

when he was taken away from me yesterday.

I experienced you today without Monkey.

I really have a sense of you being present,

and I can feel and take you seriously now.

Whereas with Monkey, I'm not quite sure where you're at.

It's a kind of... It's an unusual thing.

Hmm. No, I feel good.

So...

..it's coming to the time

..when you need to very, very gently

and very, very carefully

just come out of this place now

and come back into the room,

but don't do it too quickly.

'That was really nice.'

It was nice to connect with the idea of me as a baby

and feel like the little baby. It was...

it was nothing you would ever come to on your own.

As you lie here on the mattress,

I'd like you to curl up as you were before

and make contact with the place you were in just before you left the room.

A newborn baby.

The world is wonderful.

And you can take off your blindfolds

and really see the world from this perspective.

How is it?

You begin to choose what you want to do.

Sometimes you might like to be alone,

sometimes you might like to be with other people.

I'm going to take you for something to eat.

ALL EXCLAIM HAPPILY

'I found it fun to begin with. I liked waking up, that was nice,

'with the toys and everything,

'but then I found it... I just totally remembered being shy as a...

'It was when I was five. I think that's the age I was.

'And I just remembered...'

just thought, "Oh, God, all these kids know more,

"know each other better," you know, all that, and I can't...

-Like a replay.

-I couldn't find anything to say. Yeah. It was hard.

-I know.

-It was hard, yeah. I wanted my mum.

ALL LAUGH

We're all like that.

It is a choice to jump that line, to be...

to allow yourself that freshness,

that ease, that being in the moment, stuff from childhood.

So it's always available. It's always available.

We move on to something else now.

This afternoon, you will be invited

to take part in a death process.

This afternoon, you will die...

..and see what it feels like inside...

..and prepare yourself for that.

If you meet anyone when you're out walking, don't laugh it away...

don't talk to others.

So be totally with yourself to get the best out of this experience.

It's horrible because you're...

He's told you to write letters to loved ones

as if you're going to die today.

So it's really horrible.

Obviously I'm writing to my children.

It sort of feels sick.

I don't know what the point of it is yet.

NINA SOBS

'And the reason we do this death experience...

'It's about life...

'..about how precious life is.

'It's an inner journey.

'There is no acting now.'

'Oh, my God, it was so painful. Loads of tears.

'I didn't want to go.

'I didn't want to go, but I must've wanted to stay with the experience

'cos I could've easily gone, "Well this is a loony way to pass the time."

'I wanted to find out what was going to be there.'

-What was there?

-But... What was there was that I just...

I'm definitely not ready to die,

'and that I really love my family

'and that nothing else is as important.

'All the cliches, all that stuff.'

I think it will help me when I get home, yeah.

Yeah, I do.

I think I'll be more grateful.

Yeah.

Yeah, I thoroughly recommend thinking about death long and hard.

SHE LAUGHS

Desperate to get on the phone now. I'm going to call my family.

Hi, Dad, it's me.

Hello! How are you?

I'm very, very well.

Yeah, yeah, I'm very well indeed.

How is everybody?

Excellent. Can I talk to Arthur?

Hello! How are you? SQUEALING FROM DOWN THE PHONE

Aaah!

In the morning. How are you, my love?

Oh, it's so nice to hear your voice.

Hello, how are you?

I have survived, yeah. I broke, I broke a few times.

Loads of stuff came up.

Lots of stuff about you and me as well.

NINA LAUGHS I know. You should.

You did survive, yeah. I'll tell you all about it.

No, completely! Completely;

No, I mean, most of my time I was crying

cos you were such a good mother, you know, and I felt so guilty.

SHE SIGHS Yeah.

OK, it's our last round.

So we wanted to give you a little gift before you go.

And it's up to you whether you take it,

if you would like to do this small healing.

And this is about the abortion. You would like?

-Yes.

-OK.

So you just choose someone...

..for the child.

I choose Roman.

OK.

Just take a hand and put it onto the child's head

and just allow whatever is there.

That deep guilt held in the system.

SHE SOBS LOUDLY

SOBS: I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

It's a horrible thing to have done.

LAUGHTER

Evening, all.

What's going on here?

We've had a monkey handed in down at the police station.

And I'm told that the owner is somewhere in here.

SHE LAUGHS Yeah, that's me.

Oh, OK. One monkey.

Thank you.

Thank you, officer.

Oh, dear.

Aww.

Yay.

# Happy days are here again. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'Look what happens when I get locked in a cupboard, you dirty culty whore.'

Monkey, it was incredible.

How long did the feeling last?

-About a week.

-A whole week(!)

Well, yeah, but you can't scream in normal life,

you can't let that stuff out, so it just builds up.

Well, you've got to learn to scream on the inside, Nina.

Like I do.

How do you feel your wife's search for enlightenment went?

I can't truly tell...

but from all the outward signs,

I'd say that, on the whole...

..she's the same as before.

LAUGHTER

I've been on a retreat just recently, which was primal screaming.

Ah! It was fucking weird.

I was really happy afterwards.

But I lost my voice completely. It was seriously worrying.

I think that's why Nina does comedy -

to kind of, you know, let the negativity flow out slowly.

Yeah, but one scream, one primal scream...

That's a whole year of gigs.

I'm skint.

MUSIC: "Where Is My Mind?" by the Pixies

# With your feet on the air and your head on the ground

# Try this trick and spin it

# Yeah

# Your head will collapse

# If there's nothing in it

# And you'll ask yourself

# Where is my mind?

# Where is my mind? #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd