Diaries of a Broken Mind

Depression.

-Bipolar.

-Schizoaffective.

Agoraphobia.

Anorexia nervosa.

Obsessive compulsive disorder.

Social anxiety disorder.

Multiple personality disorder.

BBC3 asked us to film our own lives...

..to get inside our minds.

Why?

In order to understand what it's like...

..to have a mental health disorder.

Bleugh!

Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra!

I will be the first boy dinosaur!

Put my glasses on. Do I look a bit more glam now?

From the moment we find out...

I felt mental.

I don't think anyone understands.

To learning to live with our condition.

The what's...

And the challenges we face along the way.

Becks just fainted inside the club.

Why does this have to be so hard?

People.

I feel so angry, I want to pull my face off.

We're not all axe-murdering people,

we don't all go crazy at the flip of a switch.

This is our story.

-Story.

-Story.

-In our own words.

-In our own words.

In our own words.

This is our story in our own words.

Yeah, you are mad.

SHE LAUGHS

It's an actual illness.

It's just like having the flu, but in your brain for a very long time.

This programme contains some strong language.

Ugh!

This is shit.

I'm really bad at this.

Doh!

Try again, try again, try again, right.

Hello! It's me, Abby.

Um...basically,

my care co-coordinator came round on Tuesday last week

and she gave me all this information about bipolar,

as I'm literally, like, just coming to terms with the fact

that I have bipolar and trying to understand it and stuff.

Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder,

which is kind of categorised really as extreme highs and manic lows,

and I think it's really difficult to explain, really.

I can't do this, I'm so bad!

So it talks about how there's two extremes

and she drew this, like, diagram for me

and I thought it's quite interesting so I might draw it as well.

Everybody's life is like, kind of like this.

It's got ups and downs and ups and up a bit more

and then, down a bit.

Kind of thing like that.

If these were the norms, like,

that people live in,

and then, she drew how, like, someone with bipolar would be.

So their lines would be slightly higher and slightly lower...

SHE CHUCKLES

Sorry. Then, a bit higher and they might stay up there,

then they could come right down,

cos they're just outside of the norms, kind of thing.

Basically, everybody has highs and lows in their lives,

but for some people, they're more extreme

and that's when it's known as bipolar.

Well, because I've only really just been diagnosed,

I'm only really starting to begin to get in touch with what that's...

what that really is like for me

and what, what is my illness and what isn't.

I first noticed my condition when I was around...

Well, as far back as I can remember, really, I haven't,

I couldn't remember a time when I had been happy.

I knew that there was something wrong.

I think there's a lot of fear of the unknown,

I didn't like being in the unknown,

so I didn't really talk about it for quite a while.

I didn't know it were depression at the time,

I thought it was something which everybody went through, everybody suffered from.

When they told me that I had anorexia, I was just like,

"No, I don't, there's definitely nothing wrong with me at all."

I felt mental and I hated that feeling.

I felt like people would label me as crazy.

One minute I was at school and I was in a lesson,

just being a normal teenager.

That afternoon, I collapsed,

I was taken to hospital in an ambulance straight from school

and by that evening, I had a nasogastric tube up my nose

because I couldn't feed myself.

I was at a dangerously low weight.

This is my room on the ward.

Pretty average room,

it's quite empty now, because I've been packing.

Hey, guess who I am? Guess who I am?

SHE HUMS

Bye, Tilly's room. Thanks for having me.

I'm finally home! Ooh!

SHE LAUGHS

It hasn't really gone as well as I'd hoped.

I haven't really managed to stick to my meal plan.

The thought of eating and eating makes me want to die.

I wish someone could just take it all away and make it all better.

If only it worked like that.

I have agoraphobia and depression.

I thought it'd be a good idea to show you my boundaries.

If we were to go up here, then up the road is town.

I don't go that far.

Makes me feel sick just looking at it.

Agoraphobia is not a fear of spiders, that's arachnophobia.

I have a fear of leaving my house.

That's my house, somewhere there.

I have a fear of being in public places.

I'm very lucky in the fact

that I have a boyfriend that understands...doesn't understand but is supportive.

-So this is Jake. Say hi, Jake.

-Hi, Jake.

But I know that it's really difficult on him.

What do you do for me everyday, Jake?

I go to the shop, about once or twice a day...

SHE CHUCKLES

..maybe three times.

-What else do you do for me?

-Cook and clean...

SHE LAUGHS

-All the time.

-That's such a lie!

OK, Mr Hero, what we doing this afternoon?

We are going to...attempt to go to the pub.

It's only there, there it is.

It's there.

Opposite. So it's not that far.

-Nope.

-Erm, go for like a drink, got the day off.

I'm going to show you what I have to pack in my bag.

Beta-blockers!

Propranolol.

-Lol.

-Lol.

Gas mask. Is it called a gas mask?

Oxygen thing?

Yeah, that's it. We're now going to attempt to go to the pub.

Same again?

Uh-huh.

Thanks.

-Jesus, take your time.

-Sorry.

'How does my condition affect relationships?'

I don't envy him, at all.

I don't think anyone does, really,

because he has to put up with it

and if I'm having a really bad day, I'll get mad at him

because he's the nearest person

and he's the person that I see all day every day,

other than when he's at work, so he gets, like, the direct hit almost.

I was thinking about Jake

and when I first met Jake

and how I was this, like,

bright and beautiful and bubbly

and, you know, just, just so different.

I don't think he realises how much...

SHE SOBS

..I care about him and how grateful I am

for everything that he's done and all the stuff that he has to put up with.

SHE SOBS

And if he left me, I just don't know what I'd do.

I just want to be that person again, I just want to be her.

And I don't know how.

SHE CRIES

Ready? Have you pressed play?

I think there is massive stigma attached to mental health.

There is a stigma attached to having a mental health disorder.

They say it's like sometimes being dangerous even, like,

but it's not like that, people aren't like that.

It's generally portrayed as "They're so crazy and dangerous!

"They're going to hurt everyone!"

When, really, it's the other way around,

I mean, having a mental illness just makes you so vulnerable

to being exploited by people.

It's seen or it's viewed by some as a weakness,

as something that you should just snap out of or man up.

Perhaps it's because you can't see it, so it's not like a broken arm.

Because it's all in there and it's through emotion,

people can't sympathise with you.

I had nothing but stress trying to deal with the comments

that I received from it, the amount of endless..."freak".

Mental health in itself is controversial to the general society.

But then, to have this particular condition on top of it

makes it so much harder.

CHILDISH VOICE: I will be the first boy dinosaur!

SHE CHUCKLES

Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra!

If you can imagine a party of strangers, all living in your body,

that's probably the best way to describe dissociative identity disorder.

They believe that DID actually comes about in childhood

before the age of ten if the child has suffered a severe trauma,

and what happens is that if a person can't fight or flight,

which is, like, our natural response to do so,

the brain will cut off part of itself almost, a part of its being,

so the person doesn't have to remember what's gone on.

This compartmentalised part eventually becomes an alter

and then a person.

Babe?

Do you...

SHE LAUGHS

..do you ever find my DID distressing or upsetting or anything,

do you find it hard to be with me?

All of the time.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah, it's extremely distressing.

No, it's not at all, to be fair.

It does have its days when things could be a little bit easier.

Strangely enough,

I know a lot of people would run to the hills screaming,

but no, to me, it's just something that's like,

well, obviously, it's not normal, but it's um...I mean,

I don't think it's anything different to anyone else.

They've all got that little something that makes them special.

COCKNEY ACCENT: OK, we're actually going to town

with me and Vicky together, say hello.

You've got Ed, very flamboyant, quite camp.

This is my scene, come across the bridge.

A really active person who's not afraid to let anyone know

who he is or what he's about or everything else.

Emo, artistic, perceptive, insecure, blunt, dark, honest,

intimidating and vain.

Yeah, cos those are what I am, like.

My job is really a negative job

and, like, I'm called like a persecutor whatever,

which means, like, that I'm...I don't know,

sort of made to do or take the bad stuff.

AMERICAN ACCENT: We're going for our usual Costa Coffee now.

We come here like... What? Every other day?

You've got Jake then, little star-studded movie cast member.

Let me just check the lighting here,

is it better if I draw the curtains in a little bit?

Vicky and Jakey, hello, camera!

Wonderful attitude, really cares about everyone else

and will protect, will do anything he possibly can for Jess

and everyone else, but he's very sensitive, but will help anyone.

On the inside, I am a... I'm an actor, a Hollywood actor

and I'm also a pop star.

CHILDISH VOICE: This one, I wrote on it earlier.

Do you see this?

I would describe myself as shy,

curious, smart, talkative, and opinionated,

cos I have strong opinions for a ten-year-old.

SHE LAUGHS

And then, you've got Ollie,

who is just the sweetest little kid ever.

Me and GazGaz are eating jelly beans!

Ugh. Are you going to give me the coffee? Ugh!

Sorry, Gaz.

Very, very inquisitive, intelligent, cute.

DEEPER VOICE: Yeah, um, we are making food.

You can like be dynamic with the camera,

you don't have to stand in the corner.

But I can't get you all in if I stand close.

But it is OK. Can you get the food in?

Then, you've got Jamie which cares a lot for people and is a,

is a very big extrovert.

I guess I would class myself as the organiser

and the protector of the system.

I sort of tend to run Jess's life on a daily basis,

as in, like, I sort of organise what we're doing, when we're doing it.

I'm sort of the middleman of everyone.

So Jess doesn't talk to Ed, because they don't like each other.

Jess has a hard time communicating with Ollie,

so I am the go-between for everything,

so Jess has to come to me and then, I'll go to them

and then, I sort of go back and forth between everybody.

Everyone's got their own essence that makes them them

and so, it's nice, it's wonderful.

-Would you change anything?

-Um...no. Not really.

Actually no, there's one thing

and that's that I'd make her more open about it.

She has been more open to her friends,

but I wish you'd be a little more open to other people about it

and not be so afraid to tell other people.

Hello, seagull.

I honestly feel that the biggest challenges

that I face with this condition...

..is purely how other people see it.

Um... The fact that people don't believe it

is an extremely common thing that I come into near enough every day.

If I was to make the condition more aware,

you know, that is my ultimate goal.

It's really difficult to explain to someone

what it feels like to be in a depressed state of bipolar.

I just want to be normal sometimes.

The best way I can describe it

is like a black smog which surrounds you

and it wraps itself around you,

your organs, your eyes, in your ears,

everything is completely intoxicated by this black smog.

We're in.

This is my sister, Ellie.

Hello.

What do you think about, like, my weird ways?

I think it's weird. But I get it.

-You get it?

-I get it.

What about the bipolar?

Yeah, you are mad.

THEY LAUGH

How do you find it to have a sister with the condition?

So, Mum, what do you think bipolar is?

Bipolar.

It's like a bit of a split in your personality, I think.

It's not. That's not what it is.

No, but I'm saying, on the face of it,

sometimes, everything can seem OK.

I mean, you're not manically depressed all the time, in my view.

Do you know what manically depressed is?

Um... Suicidal tendency.

No, Mum! Manic depression is the same as bipolar.

How do you find having a daughter with that condition?

It's really difficult. It's really challenging.

Um...I obviously wish, like any parent would for their child,

that it wasn't a condition my daughter had,

because, at the end of the day, all you want is your child to be happy.

-I wouldn't have you any other way than you are.

-Uh-huh.

I think you're a fantastic person.

But then, you know that.

My moods, they can be the most controlling thing in the world, you know.

I can go from being in a hyper manic state where I am so out of control.

So me and Vicky, just here,

are going to the toilet!

How exciting!

I'm so talkative, I can't stop talking.

And this man's playing the piano and it's amazing

and I really want to go dance with him!

'I think I'm the most amazing person in the world.'

I have this new-found confidence...

SHE LAUGHS

..and it's like out of control.

People don't understand that that's...not actually me,

that's my illness taking over.

Does it give you a buzz when you do things like this?

Yeah, I love it.

But I can go from this really high state

to being rock bottom on the floor.

I feel really shit, really shit.

My friend came round to tell me some, like, brilliant news

and I should be so happy for her, but I'm not.

I just keep thinking that everything is going to change and...

how much of a failure I am.

I know it's useless to sit in here saying it's shit,

I'm not achieving, I know that.

Getting a diagnosis...

..that's like the first step,

and then, from here, I suppose...

..it's a learning process.

That's cut! That's meant to be cut that!

Here's the things I find that are troublesome with my bipolar, yeah?

If I wake up in a bad mood, I can be ready to start fights,

start on anyone, and people don't understand that's my condition.

I'm walking down the street and someone's looking at me funny

and it's a bad day or something, for instance,

I'm going to react how I normally wouldn't act.

That's how my bipolar affects me.

If you're deemed, like, dangerous enough or unwell enough,

they can take you off the street and put you in hospital.

This is a dungeon,

the dungeon hospital.

At the same time, I'm happy, they do help me, they do help me.

Now, they're trying to help me, that's the, that's the main thing

I'm going to say about the system though, they are trying to help.

But this is the place, this is the place.

Yo. This is my crib.

That floor there, not cheap.

That wallpaper there, not cheap. That bo system not G.

Obviously, I'm showing you my house as well,

cos I don't know what you expect of someone mental health.

Maybe expect to see, like, poo clumps around the house or something

or some sort of mental behaviour but no, like.

And here is the missus.

The arguing.

-The arguing.

-Ramping girl.

THEY LAUGH

I'm going to ask you, babe,

even though we've never had this conversation,

you tend to tell me, yeah, that it's fucked living with me.

THEY LAUGH

Sorry, cut out the swearing.

I find it hard when you're very hyperactive.

You're more happy, you can be more sad,

you can be more aggressive than on a usual day.

When I'm like that, is that me though, Ashley,

-like normal, normal Ash, or...?

-No, that's not you.

-Exactly.

-That's not you.

-That's the point.

-That is the problem, isn't it?

-Yeah, that's the problem,

cos everyone seems to mix it with my personality, including you,

and forget, that's the problem I face, innit?

Because it's hard cos I live with you day in day out,

so it's, like, we're not supposed to write down

all the ten different personalities that you have

and flipping tick them off when I see it, like,

I try to treat you as Ashley all the time,

so you don't feel like I'm treating you like you're not normal.

I'm sorry.

SHE CHUCKLES

Out in the bits all day long, out on the strip.

Today, they've got a little open mic thing going.

That's Peter, the guy that's in charge of everything.

When you come down and you get in the studio and you get on the mic,

I think that what you're talking about on the mic

through your lyrics....

-Yeah.

-..shows that you've got real insight

into your life and your experiences and your health,

and I think that that is really the best therapy.

-You ready, Ashley?

-Yeah, want to record, yeah?

-Yeah, man.

I'm just going to spit everything and we'll arrange it after, innit?

-HE RAPS:

-Life's been hard Tribulations are all a minor

Struggle like the girls who Put on weave in the morning time...

'If I'm not listening to music, I'm writing,'

I'm writing bars to music,

cos if you're thinking about music,

you're not thinking about hard grinds and hard life

so that's how anything creative,

anything that can intercept the person's negative thinking pattern is good for you.

I'm going to give you a sign.

-HE SINGS:

-# Life's been depressive From an early age born

# Life's been depressive From an early age torn

# Ripped apart and hurt In the worstest way

# My mind brings me back To the worstest days. #

Pause, pause, pause.

I can't even remember the next part I'm through.

And I say peace.

-Hi, Jake!

-Hello.

-What day is it today?

-It's Valentine's Day.

-No, it's Thursday.

-It's Thursday.

-It's Valentine's Day.

SHE CHUCKLES

What are we doing today, Jake?

We're making...

Couldn't really go out for a meal, so we thought we'd make pizzas.

That's mine.

That's Jake's.

Mmm! Jake's looks the best, everyone agrees.

-Say bye, Jake.

-Bye, Jake.

Don't really want to go, as per usual,

but...not really a lot I can...

It's difficult, I don't really want to let people down.

I want to try and push myself,

because summer's coming up

and I don't want to be stuck in all summer again.

-So I'm all ready, Jake is...

-Nearly ready!

..getting ready, he's cleaning his shoes,

and we're about to go to the pub opposite.

I'm not taking any beta-blockers today,

because I'm going to be drinking, so I don't want to get weird.

SHE SIGHS

SHE CHUCKLES

You all right?

What's the time, Jake?

-It's 11 o'clock.

-11 o'clock.

You enjoying yourself?

This is Helena. Say hi, Helena.

Hi! My name's Helena.

This is Zana.

Hi! My name's Zana.

This is Emma. Oh, Emma!

-So, we're still in the pub.

-Hey!

I'm really pleased that Bex has come out tonight

because it's her friend's birthday and...

Stop it, guys, you're making me sad.

No, no, it's always...it's always better when Bex is there.

And we are thinking about going into town,

which is going to be quite difficult, obviously, for me,

but we're going to give it a go.

-OK! So we're on our way to town.

-Hey!

So how do you feel?

I feel better, the fact that we got a taxi,

-but I do feel that, as soon as we get into that place, I'm going to be sick.

-Yeah.

I don't want the bouncers to look at me and be like...

They wont look at you, they'll look at you fine.

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

We can be genuinely wherever you want. We can go home.

I'm not going to get let in, cos they are going to think I'm like on...

They'll let you in fine, Bex, they'll let you in fine.

-They'll think I'm on some kind of drug.

-No, they won't, you're fine.

Bex, come on, positive, you're with me,

you're with me and Zana, your two best friends.

Can I have ABC, please?

-HE SINGS:

-A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, let's go,

let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. Come on.

MUSIC PLAYS

Bex just fainted inside the club, so we're coming straight back out.

To be fair, I am fucking impressed you went in there,

cos I wouldn't have done.

It's a lot busier than I thought it was going to be.

-It's pretty busy.

-On the bright side...

It scares the shit out of me and I don't have what you have, so...

On the bright side, at least we can get a kebab earlier.

Yeah!

So I've just had my telephone assessment

to see whether I qualify for CBT.

Basically, a psychologist calls you up

and asks you loads of questions about...

stuff and you have to fill in one of these.

Lots of different questions, like,

"How nervous have you felt over the last week?"

And they said that I would be put on the waiting list,

which is good, but the waiting list is apparently four months at the moment,

which isn't so good,

which means I've got another four months of being trapped.

Is there enough support provided for young people like you?

Yeah, no, maybe.

I'd like to think there is.

I mean, I got support and I know it is out there.

I didn't know where to turn to, who was there, what was available.

There are so many places in Liverpool to go to

and I'm hoping it's like that across the rest of the UK.

You'd go to a doctor and the first thing they'll prescribe you

is tablets straight away.

It's not therapy first, it's tablets, then therapy. That's not good.

I think it's far too easy to slip through the net

as a young person with a mental health problem.

Personally, I really don't think there is enough support.

I've been through years of being on waiting lists crying out for help.

You have to prove that you're ill enough and stuff and it's just...

it's not right.

CAR ALARM

Come on.

I don't want to sit here any more.

There's people and the noise.

CAR ALARM

Oh, God, people.

SHE SOBS

My social anxiety, that's something that I, I always had

and I just sort of thought it was normal for a long time

and I think because I was younger, people used to just sort of work around that,

so I didn't notice it so much because it was just accepted

that when you're young, you're a little bit shy,

so, so people just worked around it.

But then, as I got older,

I realised that people were sort of saying, you know,

"It's a bit silly, why can't you do this?", you know,

"Why are you so shy, what have you got to be afraid of?"

Suddenly something could just make me feel really insecure

about the way that I look. I mean, I always am,

but then, suddenly everyone that looks at me, they look at me

cos of what I'm wearing,

cos I'm stupid and cos I look fat and cos they're judging me.

There were situations where now I, you know, recognise

that it terrifies me.

This leads me to talk about something,

which is kind of odd, I guess.

I'm also a model.

Not as a career or anything, just sort of part-time, I guess.

People are always surprised

when they either know that I'm a model and then find out that I have confidence problems

or when they know all my problems and then find out I'm a model.

They're always surprised, and I can completely understand why,

it does seem really weird.

When you're shooting, I get many chances

at creating the perfect image,

whereas, in real life, I've just got me.

It's things that, like, I've never even noticed, really,

when I was growing up.

Been with my boyfriend for a while now and I've noticed things, like,

you know, like, I never make my own phone calls and asking him to do it

and he would say, "Why can't you do it?"

I feel guilty because I'm causing, you know,

problems and probably getting on people's nerves.

It's more that it's, you know,

kind of fear of things that maybe

aren't necessarily that threatening.

You know, and if you can conquer enough situations, you know,

by trying to just kind of confront them

and be yourself in those situations.

It was really interesting though,

cos, like, he made me think about school,

which I haven't thought about in ages, and about how middle school,

image became a thing in middle school

and that was when I was at my biggest, my heaviest weight.

Whereas in primary school, I hadn't, I'd always been nervous of people.

When you're a really young kid, it's like not that much of an issue

because, you know, you don't really care.

So that was the first time when I started being scared

of people judging me and what they thought of me.

I was on antidepressants for my depression a while ago.

I took them for about a week and then I decided to come off them.

One, because they didn't make me feel very good,

but two, mostly, because I didn't want to treat it like that.

I don't want to rely on tablets to shut me up, you know,

or shut up that part of me.

I want to kind of sort it out myself.

This is where I live.

So I just got up and I'm going to make my breakfast,

which is full cereal

and two slices of toast with bread,

so that means 300mls of milk.

I've used only plastic cutlery for quite a long time now.

That's, honestly, because...

..I don't like the taste of metal in my mouth,

but, obviously, at the unit,

that's classed as, like, an eating disorder behaviour.

Um... I thought I'd show you what my current meal plan looks like,

which is quite extensive.

I'm vegetarian and I've also got quite a severe nut allergy.

So, obviously, that cuts out meat and nuts, obviously,

out of my diet already.

But then, at the unit, we're allowed three dislikes.

I've put down as my dislikes mushrooms, which I absolutely hate,

spicy food, and beans and pulses,

which I managed to get into one.

I guess that makes it quite difficult as a vegetarian,

because they're quite kind of typical sort of, like, vegetariany foods.

So breakfast is a full cup of cereal.

Lunch is a standard main course.

And then, at quarter past three, we have a snack,

and then tea, which is a lighter meal, a full portion main course.

It's not easy following that.

There's one side of it in the sense

that my eating disorder is telling me I shouldn't be eating that much,

but then, there's the other side

in that sometimes I physically can't fit that much in

and like I feel ridiculously, ridiculously full,

to the point when I'm in so much pain

that I just can't carry on.

I've got to make the decision -

do I listen to my head or do I listen to this stupid voice inside

telling me not to have dinner? Do I have dinner or do I not have dinner?

Why does this stupid illness

have to make everything so much more difficult?

I feel like I'm having to pick the lesser of two evils here...

..but I don't want to do either.

Well, actually...

..I don't want dinner.

Living with my condition, I think the normal things

that I miss out on are probably social situations.

The amount of friends I've lost because of it,

because I've been having problems, I've argued with them

and I can't say to them, "Look, I've got OCD.

"My mind is not in the right place at the minute,

"I need some time away from you."

I've never had a romantic relationship

that wasn't hosted over the Internet.

It's hard to find someone that can sort of accept me for who I am

and what I've got.

I often don't feel worthy of people's affection, of people's love.

So not only do you miss out on the social side of things,

you've got things like education and work when you're just not up to it.

I do miss quite a lot of uni through my illness though,

which, is you know, not brilliant.

Normal things I miss out on day to day

can be things like parties and social events.

Just because I am so anxious, I can't go.

I feel so stupid holding this camera.

I told a few close friends of mine and at school.

It went around like wildfire, what I had and what I did have.

You know, I had this condition and I wasn't pretending

and my friends, a lot of my friends stopped talking to me.

I mean, I wasn't going to tell anyone at university.

I was going to come here and I was going to act normally

and nothing, nothing was going to be revealed.

Girly night ready? Hi!

Two of my flatmates, who I'm best friends with now,

sat me down and said, "Jess, why do you change all the time?"

And I said, "What do you mean? What do you mean why do I change?"

And they were like, "Everyday you're different.

"All the time you're different. Your reactions are different.

"One minute, you're fine, next, you're grumpy,

"next minute, you're happy, next minute, you're sad.

"Have we done anything?

"Is it something you need to tell us about?"

And then, I just broke down and I told them everything.

I said, this is what's going on and I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry that I haven't been so fluent,

but they were just so grateful that it made sense to them now.

And I didn't expect that reaction, and do you know what?

Ever since that I've been telling people here, my friends here,

everyone's been so accepting.

Have you ever had any arguments between your personalities before?

Oh!

Would you mind holding the camera? Honestly, right.

Yes. The other day, actually, you should have seen it.

Obviously, you guys wouldn't have. Jamie and Ed were having an argument.

Jamie was out cooking and Ed was arguing about food,

because Ed is anorexic and doesn't like eating food.

But Jamie needs food to feed us.

Like, you could just hear Jamie like saying, like,

"Oh, for fuck sake, Ed!" And just like, "Blah blah blah" on,

and then, you'd hear this like, "Oh, my God, bitch, don't start on me!"

And then, you just hear this like the way it was going on

and...all you would see from a normal point of view

is just me talking to myself in funny accents

cooking at the same time.

Just put up our first poster for our psych cafe!

Look at this.

So it's all in Welsh and in English and yeah,

it's right on the psychology board, so should be good.

I'm really, really excited.

I've just got to hang up the rest of these now,

so there's about ten to go. One down, ten to go!

It's a bit muddy.

Look how pretty the trees are!

Look at the...is that a snowman?

Bloody hell.

Hello.

I know what you're thinking,

you're thinking, "That girl's got way too much eyeliner on."

Hey!

I am called Sophie.

Oh, I just knocked the camera with my knee.

When I was nine years old, I was put on antidepressants

because I had an eating disorder and a phobia of vomiting.

OK. Looking through the family album of me.

How old am I here? Four.

So I was pretty normal.

Five, happy little child.

There's me at school, Gordon Bennett!

And then, here, I'm nine

and this is when I first stopped eating

and I had my eating disorder, which was fun.

You can't really tell there, but I was pretty ill, I look quite skinny.

And that was because I was sick in public on the way to school

and then, two weeks later, I was sick again at a big event,

and, for some reason, my brain thought that was terrifying

and I developed a really bad phobia.

That happened when I was nine and then...

I don't know, it lasted a year

and that was when I was put on antidepressants and had therapy.

And then, when I was 13,

I don't think I've got pictures of when I was 13...

There I am.

Gordon Bennett, look at my hair.

Oh, my God. And there's me.

I was 16 there.

Didn't go out the house very often.

It's on, yeah?

Where's you? You're not even in it.

There you are.

SHE CHUCKLES

-Introduce yourself, Esther.

-What do I say?

Say, "Hello, I'm Sophie's friend, Esther." Turn it on to yourself!

Hi! I'm Esther. I'm Sophie's best friend. You're laughing at me!

She's a bitch, right.

THEY LAUGH

How long have we known each other?

We've known each other since we were about four, five years old.

So that's 20 years!

20 long years. 20 good years.

-20 strong, beautiful years.

-Strong, yeah.

When did you know I had a phobia of being sick?

That must have been in primary school, yeah.

I think, back then, I think I knew that you were worried

about being around lots of people

and I think that's what I kind of understood it as,

I think, back then. It was more like you didn't like...

-Eating in front of people.

-..eating in front of people and stuff.

So I know you like to keep that quite private.

Yeah. Did you know I took medication or anything then?

-I don't think so, no.

-No.

OK, the medication I'm on is venlafaxine,

I'm on 75 milligrams.

Now, I've been taking this for probably four years,

before that, I was on citalopram for quite a few years.

I went to see my doctor and said,

"I'm feeling fine and dandy, can I come off my tablets?"

And he agreed, he said, "Yeah."

And this is the first time in my life

that I've attempted to come off antidepressants.

The withdrawals are pretty horrific and it scares me a bit, really.

Let me just turn it off now.

I've got to try and find the button. Bye.

Pill box.

These are all the tablets that I'm currently taking.

There's quite a lot.

OK, this is my medication drawer.

It's not in a particularly sexy package.

It actually looks really boring.

I've been on so many different medications now, I've lost count.

I can't even remember what they were originally, you know?

I'm currently...I've been on loads of different ridiculous things,

but I'm currently on Prozac, fluoxetine.

Fluoxetine.

Cipralex 10 milligrams. And it's basically a...an antidepressant.

They put me on sertraline, which is an antidepressant,

and sometimes, I get asked if it has any side effects.

Well, um... Yeah, I think it does, you know.

Oh, double sided.

You can get diarrhoea, headaches, dizziness.

Depression, feeling strange, nightmares, anxiety,

agitation, nervousness, decreased sexual interest.

Nobody has sex with me, it's fine.

Poor appetite, which I found a little bit stupid

seeing as I also have anorexia.

Cancer!

Fuck off!

Coma. Closing up of throat.

Can't wait for that one.

Heart attack and sudden death.

Not that death would be very sudden after all of those things.

Intestine problems, ear infections, cancer, swollen glands...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, roll back - cancer.

I'd love to come off medication, I'd love to be medication free,

but I'm just not ready.

So I've been on them for nearly...

..eight years now? Seven, eight years?

Which is never good, really, but I'm trying to get off them.

I don't want to be on them for the rest of my life.

Thank you.

HE MOANS

'The reason why I drink is because

'it kind of gives me an hour of feeling normal.'

Oh, no.

I'm always spilling, I've spilt it all over my shoe.

and I always do it.

If I didn't have a drink, I wouldn't feel normal.

HE PUFFS

Having anxiety, anyway, and depression sort of...

they're both, are like, the anxiety and depression

and they both work together,

so it's like, if you get anxiety, that can cause depression,

if you get depression, that can cause anxiety.

So they can just rub off on each other like so.

It's like a circle, you know,

and then, I start drinking,

because I want to get rid of it,

but then, that actually makes it worse in the end

and I end up drinking more. So I can't win.

Do you find it hard to smile?

Yeah, I get embarrassed.

Really? Can you try and smile now?

-Yeah.

-Go on, then.

-There. Is that your smile?

-Yeah.

-Can't you do a better one?

-I used to smile a lot more.

-Yeah.

Ugh!

So, yeah, that was me, in London, in Oxford Circus,

and it was the kind of perfect body that anyone would want.

When I look at this, I see me, it is me,

but it's me at a different time in life.

This was before I even thought mental.

I didn't know mental health problems existed or I didn't know about them.

Sorry, that's for all the smoking.

I used to be really physically fit, really good muscles,

I felt amazing, I used to train everyday.

I feel so...

..so many different things going on in my mind.

Sort of lost the will to talk now.

I have to go, sorry.

Just can't do it at the moment.

It's Monday morning,

so I'm going to have to go in

and get weighed this morning.

I'm actually pretty terrified,

because I know that I haven't managed

to make the weight gain this week.

It's just been too difficult,

I don't, I just don't know how to do it,

I just don't, I don't know how people...

just kind of eat normally.

The only thing that I feel like I can do out of desperation

is water load,

which is essentially just drinking, like,

drinking a lot of liquid to falsify my weight.

I feel like I've got no other choice.

Like, I've screwed things up and I don't know what else I can do.

I'm just about to get weighed and I'm actually terrified,

like, totally and utterly, completely terrified.

Just off to get weighed.

As far as they're concerned, I gained 0.8.

It's in the requirements of 0.5 to one kilo gain

I need to make a week.

Um.... However, what they don't know is that actually

that wasn't a true weight and...

..I did water load quite a lot.

Oh, it's a messy business.

I kind of feel crappy for having to keep people awake.

I don't mean to, I just, I don't feel tired.

I've done everything. I've even read a book.

I never read books, I don't like books.

So, but that didn't settle me off.

I wish everyday that I could be the five foot six, brown hair,

blue-eyed movie star that I am on the inside.

Imagine yourselves,

imagine you being stuck in a body,

stuck in someone's body that isn't yours

and you have to live their life,

you can't live your life, because that's not your body to live.

That's not yours to take.

I'm fed up of being viewed as an imaginary person

or a part or a fragment or...

..just something made up.

Something non-existent.

I'm rambling and I'm feeling kind of sorry for myself,

I get to that stage sometimes.

Never mind, though.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

I'm supposed to be going to a Christmas party in half an hour.

I don't want to, I don't know what to wear.

I'm at the party now and just haven't been downstairs yet.

I'm trying to calm myself down, it's really hard.

They're all Alex's parents' friends.

They're all older than me and I feel like...

..like lower class.

I just can't imagine right now being able to respond.

What if someone speaks to me?

I feel like I'm just going to break down.

What if I come across like I don't want to talk to people

because I'm just not bothered? That's not, it's cos...

I don't think you do.

I know I do sometimes, but it's not them, it's me being scared of them,

but I know there's no reason for it most of the time.

SHE SOBS

I'm sorry.

You don't have to be sorry. Come on.

SHE CRIES

I've decided I'm going to stay upstairs for a while.

I would like to go downstairs a bit later, but I'm going to feel, like,

now that I haven't gone down, going down is going to be a bigger thing.

Hello.

I'm having a crap moment,

so I thought I'd document it.

I don't know how far away this is from my face or if you can hear me.

I ran out of my antidepressants two days ago by accident,

because I put the prescription in for the wrong thing.

Anyway, it's the weekend

and I haven't been able to get hold of any more until Monday,

and...and I'm fed up.

Just really, in a really bad mood. I hate everyone and hate everything.

I want to claw my face off, I'm so upset.

I feel so angry, I want to pull my face off.

I hate myself.

I felt like I was a bloody heroin addict coming, going cold turkey.

That's really how I felt.

And no-one had ever told me

that coming off antidepressants was this hard.

I went to the doctor to get more medication

and I said, "Look, I don't think I'm ready to come off these tablets,

"I need to go back on my full dosage because I can't function."

And he said, "Yeah, you're not ready to come off them."

So, I'm back on them and I've come to the conclusion

that I'd rather be on them and want to get up

than not be on them and be really ill and be horrible to everyone.

I thought I was ready and I'm not and I'm OK with that now.

Anyway...

..I think I've rambled enough.

If you could get rid of your condition, would you?

Well, that's a tough one.

That's a very good question.

Um...

Um...

I don't think so.

It's made me who I am.

My obsessive personality is who I am.

Without it, I don't know who I'd be. I might be really boring.

I'd like to say no, because it's who I am,

but to be brutally honest,

if somebody said, "Would you like me to take this away?",

I would say yeah, I'd snap their hands off.

I don't want this to hold me back any more.

Years of my life have been wasted on this stupid illness,

and it's so exhausting that I just want to live now.

If I could get rid of my condition, I happily would, really.

It's incredibly debilitating

and it makes simple, negligible things so hard.

I'd probably get rid of the memories.

I'd get rid of how it affects my life now,

but I wouldn't take away the person it's made me.

CAR RADIO: "Million Dollar Bill", by Whitney Houston

# I've been searching for something Like this, I'm saying

# Ooh, oh, oh, oh!

# If he makes you feel

# Like a million dollar bill

# Say - oh, oh, oh

# Say - oh, oh, oh

# If you go left, right, up, down

# Make you spinning round and round

# Say - oh, oh, oh

# Say - oh, oh, oh

# If he makes you feel

# Like a million dollar bill

# Say - oh, oh, oh... #

Morning.

I've just woken up and got my head around

the fact this is my last day at the unit.

It's going to be really, really strange.

I'm leaving for the last time, signing out.

It's really sad, actually,

saying goodbye to people I've been around for so long.

SHE CHUCKLES

Still can't quite believe I've left,

it feels really strange,

but it's my time to move on,

my time to fly,

and this is where the real challenge begins.

Why does this have to be so hard?

Why?

I don't want to go down for tea.

I don't want to be like this any more.

I'd do anything in the whole world to be better.

How you doing?

I sort of had some really positive times and some really bad times.

OK, that's life, isn't it?

Yeah. I had like a really bad depressive mood swing,

like, my depression got really bad.

OK, so when, when was that then?

That was...I think it was Saturday night.

There were lots of things just kind of had been building up.

But there was lots of stress.

Lots of things happened that, that just sort of triggered it off.

They were small things,

but, all together, they all happened in one night.

I was looking after my brother

and I was trying to fight it the whole time.

-I knew that I needed to cry, but I was trying to fight it.

-Yeah.

The next few days after that, I had headaches

and I felt wobbly and I really felt really bad.

So I've decided that I'm going to go back to the doctor

-and ask to be put on medication again.

-OK.

-Because it was really bad.

Yeah, don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-medication at all,

you know, I'm quite the opposite, I definitely know its place.

I just kind of, you know, recognise that,

you know, you have got a good degree of control

-and you do manage to get out of these things.

-Yeah.

You know, the one side effect that people don't really kind of think about sometimes,

and is certainly not on any packets,

is the sort of, the psychological side effects sometimes

that, you know, kind of takes away a bit of confidence

in being able to get through those really difficult patches.

They...they've put me on two kinds of medication.

One that will help sort out my anxiety and depression,

but that will probably mean I can't sleep,

and another one to make me sleep.

Oh, bloody hell.

I took my first tablet that they gave me

about an hour or so ago now and I can feel something.

I suddenly don't feel too good.

I feel a bit like...happier and smiley.

I'm sorry if I actually be sick, by the way.

Aw, aw...

It's day two of my tablets.

This might sound weird, but even though I noticed the side effects

and even though I didn't really like them, I didn't feel in a bad mood.

But then, I don't know if that was just the placebo of taking it.

You know, I don't know. But I'm going to keep trying.

I'm so excited right now!

Everyone is coming into the hall

and yeah, I just don't know,

I'm so, so excited, it's unbelievable.

So here's my talk, this is where I'm set up for the evening.

It's coming up here and it comes on the big screen projector here.

So you can see everyone's filling up,

it's only ten to six at the moment.

Places, people! Places!

APPLAUSE

Wow. Hello, everyone. Wow.

I honestly didn't expect, like, this many people to turn up today.

I must tell you, I'm really, really nervous.

When I was rehearsing this yesterday,

I certainly didn't think that I would be this nervous,

but I am a little bit today.

But first of all,

I just want to say a big, big thank you for coming today

to listen to my personal experiences with this condition -

dissociative identity disorder.

For those of you who don't know, my name is Jamie.

I'm about five foot ten, light olive skin, green eyes...

So, moving on.

Demonstration, now, this going to be fun.

I need one person to be a host, like me,

and I need three people to be alters.

Do I have any takers or any brave people?

Yeah, come on, come up, great!

Brilliant. Now, these bells

just give you an example of what it's like

when an alter is coconscious

and they suddenly have a problem with something you're doing.

So every time you have a problem with whatever Luke says,

whatever Luke does, I want you to ring the bells,

and then I'll ask you why you have a problem with that.

So, what time do you usually go to bed?

BELL CHIMES

LAUGHTER

So four or five in the morning for you, Luke.

And what time do you go to bed?

What would be your ideal dinner?

BELL CHIMES

LAUGHTER

What's your problem with that?

Brilliant! Just like Jake. This is great.

BELLS CHIME

Thank you ever so much to my lovely alters and host!

Thank you very, very much.

Thank you ever so much for listening today

and it means so much to spread the awareness, you've all been amazing.

Thank you very much.

Everyone's leaving now.

I've had 200 people, 220 people,

nearly had a full house turn up to my talk today.

I'm...in awe.

I really, I actually can't describe, like, tell you

how amazed I am right now, so thank you to everyone who showed up today

and I hope that everyone enjoyed it.

MUSIC: "Not Giving In", by Rudimental

# Well, it's time to start the show

# Lost my heart and lost my soul... #

Thanks, guys.

Right, that's it.

# Now it's time That you won't know... #

I'm sure that's enough, isn't it?

# Lost my mind and lost my goal

SHE HUMS: # Not giving in

# I'm not giving in

# I'm not giving in!

# Ooh, I'm not giving in, yeah!

# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

# This time, I'm gonna be stronger

# I'm not giving in

# This time, I'm gonna be stronger

# No, I'm not giving in... #

Got to get a cig.

# Not giving in

# I'm gonna be stronger

# I'm gonna be stronger

# I'm not giving in

# This time, I'm gonna be stronger

# I'm not giving in

# This time, I'm gonna be stronger

# I'm not giving in... #

Yeah, I guess I'm going to just grab my sandwich

and I'll see you guys later.

Bye-bye.

Let's leave it at that.

Cool. I'll see you later.

That's all and thank you for listening. Bye.

# This time, I'm gonna be stronger

# I'm not giving in

# This time, I'm gonna be stronger

# I'm not giving in

# This time, I'm gonna be stronger

# No, I'm not giving in

# Ooh, ooh... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd