The Age of Loneliness

-RADIO:

-We're looking at loneliness on BBC Radio Merseyside today

and how people find ways of dealing with it...

-RADIO:

-The country's been described as the loneliness capital of Europe

because we are less likely to...

..The charity says people are coming to them for help in...

It could be you, it could be me.

There are literally millions of us out there.

-RADIO:

-Studies have shown that loneliness can be as bad

for your health as smoking and obesity.

If it's killing us, why does no-one want to talk about it?

Facing death doesn't bother me.

What scares me most is spending the rest of my life alone.

I can't let myself believe that...that...that this is it.

'I am lonely. And that's hard to say.'

You don't have neighbours coming in to see you.

I live on Lonely Street.

The headlines say this is the age of loneliness.

They're calling it a silent epidemic.

-RADIO:

-At least three in ten of us feel lonely

at least some of the time. This is through the year, not just...

It takes a very brave person to say what it's really like.

So I went out and asked them to be brave

and talk about their loneliness.

-My name is Martin.

-My name is Iain.

-My name is Jaye.

My name is Richard and I am lonely.

In every corner of Britain today, people are living alone.

There are now 7.6 million

single-person households in this country.

We leave home. We get divorced.

We have mental health problems.

There are many reasons we become isolated.

'To describe loneliness is one of the hardest things in the world.'

You can't see it, you can't smell it and you can't touch it.

You can only feel it when you've got it.

One of the most significant causes is that we now live longer.

We're left alone when our husbands, wives or partners die.

Dorothy is the familiar face of lonely.

Oh, dear.

We were married for 58 years.

I was only about 17 or 18 when I first met him.

So it was a lifetime.

We were ideal. We fitted together.

When Eric was ill, did you ever think about

how lonely you would be without him?

-No.

-Why not?

-No.

Because I never thought that I'd be left without him.

At times, I turn round and I say, "Eric, why did you go?"

But... He'd have been...shocked if he'd have heard me, I think.

I've missed him so much that it...

it just comes natural to say I've missed him.

I've missed you.

What's more surprising about the loneliness epidemic

is that reports now show that it affects young people

almost as much as their grandparents' generation.

For 18-year-olds like Isabel,

leaving home can be a very difficult transition.

'You tell everyone that you're going to university

'and everyone's, like, really proud.

'This is a massive achievement,

'you're going to love it, you're going to love it.

'I did think I was going to have what everybody else had.'

Find the comradeship in my house

and I was going to go out freshers' week and get a bit drunk.

As you go on, you realise that you're on your own all the time.

You don't know anyone, it's a new situation,

you don't really know what you're doing.

And actually, you're really lonely.

I was very taken aback by loneliness.

Social media is often blamed for the growing disconnect

and isolation in our lives.

Great when you're happy and popular,

but a horrible reminder when you're not.

Facebook does kind of tend to make you feel a little bit worse,

particularly when you see pictures

of your friends having fun without you.

It's not so much that you lie,

you just kind of, like, brush it under the carpet.

"Oh, it's great, yeah, you know.

"I went out on Tuesday and, you know..."

And then you kind of say, like, "Oh, I'm just chilling by myself now."

And they kind of think it's because it's, like,

you've been going out so much, you just need a bit of time on your own,

when actually, that's all you have.

I do think a lot of students in the first year were lonely,

but they just didn't admit it.

You don't want to say, "Actually, I feel lonely."

You feel like people are going to judge you and mock you.

I literally stayed in my room for three days.

Sometimes a bit more.

It felt like a prison because I was in there all the time.

It feels like there's nowhere else to go.

And the silence makes you feel a bit funny, so I locked my door.

It's like I'm stuck in here, this is my prison.

Were you scared?

I was scared of having to sit in that room.

I was scared of having to go back.

I was scared of the loneliness, really.

Our society has changed.

And being alone is increasingly part of life today.

We move away from family and friends.

We go to the cities to find work, to have a career.

You're living the dream, you're working hard, you're playing hard.

And while those things are true, you're not necessarily happy.

And you feel like you just constantly

need to be at the top of your game.

I am a bit of a Type A, where I busy myself

and I want to sort of achieve, achieve, achieve.

Yeah, absolutely. You've come through to the Communications team.

'And that can be a nice feeling sometimes,

'but it can also be very, very lonely.'

And then we'll have our key spokespeople on the ground,

as well as representatives from each of the regions

to come in and be available for media.

I've lived in London for five years and I would still certainly have

absolute moments of loneliness, for sure.

In fact, it almost feels like it's getting progressively stronger.

I kept saying to my parents,

"Well, next Christmas, I'll be home."

Now I'm 30 and now I just don't say it.

I say, "Oh, you know, I'm here for the foreseeable."

I absolutely have days where I feel really sad

and I do odd things, such as get on Google Maps

and, like, drive myself around the city,

and I check in to see my parents' house in New Zealand.

It does make me feel, "Oh, OK, everything is...

"You know, they're still there, that is still my home."

Often, I would think, "What do I have to be lonely about?

"I have a fantastic job, I'm surrounded by people,

"I live in London. I mean, there are just so many people here."

It's difficult to admit you're lonely to other people but I think

one of the other key things you don't necessarily consider

is it's really hard to admit it to yourself.

And it does take a while to, I guess, kind of click in your head.

"Oh, OK, I think I'm lonely."

And nobody puts on Facebook,

"I've just spent the whole weekend inside

"eating ten packs of Hobnobs and watching Friends."

People put how great and glamorous their lives are.

-RADIO:

-..Was published recently and your daughter is...

Everyone posts the best of the highlights reel on social media

and the highlights reel is not real at all.

-RADIO:

-Catherine, let's start with you.

And what is your evidence that loneliness is more prevalent today?

To fill the gap in her life, Kylie joined a charity

that organises monthly tea parties for lonely over-75-year-olds.

I've been volunteering for three years with Contact the Elderly.

That has been a key part, for sure, of making me feel

more connected to London, making me feel more at home.

And it does provide some semblance of family.

I was very close to my grandmother in New Zealand and she passed away.

I think it does fill that sort of void.

Would you like a hand cutting and buttering the scone,

or would you like a serviette?

-I would like a serviette.

-Of course.

The volunteers get just as much out of the charity

as the elderly, sort of lonely guests.

And I wish I'd found the charity as soon as I got to London,

because it would have made the first two years a lot easier.

Kylie's loneliness isn't just caused by being far away from her family.

I moved over to London with my long-term partner.

We got married and we've recently separated.

He has made the decision to go back to New Zealand

and I want to stay in London.

I definitely feel a lot more lonely now. It's really hard.

Times like Christmas and...and anniversaries and things like that.

-Are the tea parties good...?

-Yeah.

And that's exactly it.

The tea parties have been really, really helpful

because sometimes Sundays are quite hard, too,

but you have that to pull you out of the hole that you're in.

And they remind you, as well, that life, you know, goes on

and these times will... Things will pass.

And she can see I'm here

and she talks to me on the phone all the time.

'Why I like the tea parties, because of not for the tea.'

Not for the tea, for the company.

I don't have any company here.

You're 100! First person I've met.

I'm telling you, when I go there,

I meet people and I chat.

I never anticipated being 100.

I had a wonderful life, looking back.

At the time, I just took it for granted.

A century ago, when Olive was born,

a woman's life expectancy was just 55.

Today, it's 83.

For so many, this long twilight is now being spent alone.

My husband was my hand and my foot.

You won't imagine, he did everything for me.

Take me to work, take me to church.

Bring me back.

He's dead five years now.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

-You OK now?

-Yeah.

-I'll see you next time.

-Thank you so much.

-Bye-bye, darling.

-Bye.

I get up in the morning, then the carer comes.

She baths me and I have my breakfast.

FAINT TELEVISION BROADCAST

Other than that, I'm here on my own day after day,

just looking at the telly.

Imagine you sit down here and you don't have nobody to talk to.

So, what do you want, Olive? What would help your life?

-Moral support.

-Company?

-Yeah.

I would like to have somebody to come in and give me a chat.

But Olive doesn't just sit quietly dozing in front of daytime telly.

In spite of being 100, she still manages to get out and about.

Keep that going, looking forwards.

Chest plate lifted. Tummies pulling in tightly.

Four to go, and three to go,

two to go and we're gently stopping there.

Lift your chest.

If I have to go to exercise on Tuesday, I go.

I have to go to...I go to church every Sunday.

And I go to a meeting every other Wednesday.

Other than that...I'm here on my own.

And again. Pull the elbows back, just to your hips.

Three children, seven grandchildren,

six great-grand and one great-great-grand.

-That's amazing.

-Yeah.

So, how, Olive, how can you be lonely

with so many children and grandchildren?

That is the wonder.

I say myself, I sit there every day and I wonder.

I know they're living far. I wouldn't live with them.

I wouldn't live with them.

-You wouldn't?

-No.

You told me, Olive, that what you're really scared of is...

To die alone. Yeah.

Yes. That is what I want, somebody to be with me

and to hold my hand.

And even we say a prayer when I've gone.

And now you're scared?

Well...not that I'm scared, what I'm saying is this,

that's what I would like.

I don't like to die alone...

..and they come and find me.

But I think that is what's going to happen.

Coping with loneliness for the very first time

when you're in your 80s and 90s is bound to be profoundly difficult.

Everyone has a different way of dealing with it.

'72 years with the same girl.

'I mean, we grew together.'

She used to sort of say we're joined at the hip.

She'd tell people we'd been together for so long.

Like a lot of people, I mean, Cath and I,

we had children, we brought them up.

We didn't volunteer to do anything. We lived our lives.

-Morning, all!

-Hiya!

-Morning, Bob!

'And it wasn't until after she died

'that I realised that something had to change.'

Hello, everybody. I am Bob Lowe,

and welcome to this week's edition of the New Milton Talking Newspaper,

with items of news for the week ending Saturday 6th June, 2015...

Here is an amusing, light-hearted letter from a scout at camp.

Loneliness affects all of us at some point in our lives.

Relocating to a new area...

You feel you're doing something good.

And when you get a feedback from the people,

it's nice to know that they appreciate what you're doing.

It's the quality rather than the quantity

of relationships that counts.

People who are alone and do nothing deteriorate very rapidly.

Whereas if you're really active,

um...then you keep your body juices going.

HE LAUGHS

-RADIO:

-According to Age UK, a million older people

have not spoken to anyone in the last month.

And I found that a really startling statistic.

Why is this happening?

Do you feel old, Bob?

-Do I...?

-Feel old.

Oh, I'm not old. I'm not old.

You're thinking I'm old?

No, no, no. I'm 93, I'm not old.

-RADIO:

-Are we becoming more disconnected, not talking to people...?

See, I like to go to the shops nice and early, before the crowds get in there.

So then I'm back, you see, by 8:30

and I've got the rest of the day ahead of me.

Bob bustles about, volunteering, shopping,

trying to keep himself occupied.

But most days, he finds himself drawn back to the life

he wishes he still had.

There's nothing that can really replace what I've lost.

And as I look at pictures of Cath, I'm afraid I can't help but cry.

So I'm going to stay lonely and have to live with it.

Bob may have accepted that he will now be lonely to the day he dies,

but he's found a way of keeping Cath by his side.

After cremation, the undertakers

brought her ashes back here in a casket.

It looked horrible standing on the table,

so one of our daughters made the bag

and I unscrewed the bottom of the casket

and took her ashes out and then put them in the bag.

Is it a comfort, Bob, that you just feel Cath's presence with you now?

Oh, very much so.

Now I get immense comfort from knowing that she is there,

albeit in the form of ashes.

Without it, I would really feel desperately alone.

It's bad enough being alone, as it is.

To think that she wasn't here...

To me, she's here.

Would you rather have Cath there, even with Alzheimer's, than dead?

Is that a dreadful question, Bob?

It's not a dreadful question.

Under any circumstances, I'd rather have had her live with me,

because, um...I could nurse her.

And that's what I'd prefer to do.

I think what makes so many of us feel lonely

is the sense of no longer having a purpose...

..the feeling that no-one really loves or needs us any more.

My husband, myself, my daughter,

my granddaughter, all lived here. We had a family of four.

I went from a family of four to me very, very, quickly.

Barbara's husband died of a heart attack, her daughter of cancer.

And then her granddaughter moved out of the family home.

I remember clearly waking up in the middle of this night

and thought, "My God, Barbara, you're alone."

That's when it hit me.

The house was empty.

I had nobody, no person.

ANSWERPHONE: You've no messages. Main menu.

To use a personal greeting, press two.

I cannot make the phone ring.

I cannot make people come to the front door and ring the bell.

"Solitary" is the word I would use.

I am lonely. I am lonely.

I am lonely.

I do miss love in my life.

I miss that very much.

What about your friends? Where were they in all this?

Isn't it awful to say? I have no friends.

Because when you're in a loving relationship

and you've got your family,

you don't need friends.

So when my need came, I didn't have any friends to call upon.

Is it that one of the voids in your life

is that you felt that nobody needed you?

They don't need me.

Nobody does need me.

I don't feel needed, except for the dogs.

They have to be fed, they have to be watered, they have to be loved.

What is it that's so special about the dogs?

They brought me through terrible lonesome times.

They need me and I need them.

-RADIO:

-Becoming a mum or a dad is normally considered

one of the happiest points of your life,

but new research from charity Action for Children reveals

a quarter of British parents admit to feeling lonely and isolated.

Almost 7% say they always...

'Any big supermarket, you look down the aisles

'and there'll be lonely mums just like myself pushing buggies.'

They're there. We're all there.

-SHE LAUGHS

-We all do it.

I stopped doing a big weekly shop

just so that I had an excuse to pop to the shops.

Even talking to the cashier. I won't go to the self-service things.

Just to get a bit of conversation from the cashier.

Would you like a bag for these?

-How old is little 'un?

-Ten months last week.

-Ten months?

-Yeah.

-Aw! What's her name?

-Darcey.

-Oh, that's lovely!

My loneliness has come about since becoming a stay-at-home mum.

With the older two, I went back to work at eight months.

My whole life revolves around the three children and my husband.

I don't have the social life that I used to have.

It's constant.

It's 24 hours.

People think you've got it lucky

because you're sitting at home doing nothing.

Well, it's not the case.

I didn't think it was going to be as hard as it is.

My husband, he's sometimes gone at 5am, so I don't even see him.

And he doesn't get back till gone six of an evening.

A lot of mums worked previous to having the children.

We've all been out and had our careers.

And then all of a sudden, you're stuck indoors.

You've had... Yeah, you've got a bundle of joy

and people would absolutely give for that bundle of joy...

..but you haven't got that adult conversation.

Emily and a friend use social media

to suggest a weekly buggy walk to other mothers.

They were amazed by the response.

I have got over a thousand followers on my Twitter account.

At least 50% of them are mums.

Either stay-at-home, or they're lonely.

They use social media as their social life, I suppose.

It is embarrassing to admit you're lonely.

And it's one of the hardest things ever to admit that you're not 100%,

whether it be depression, loneliness, anxious, sad.

It's really hard.

Emily was brought up surrounded by a large extended family.

Like many mums today,

she doesn't have that same support to fall back on.

Mum and Dad moved to a Greek island 14 years ago.

They just retired out there, basically.

I don't think I'd be anywhere near as lonely if they were here.

And I'd feel as though that hub that I had as a child

with my nan and grandad would definitely be back if they were here.

If life with young children can be a breeding ground for loneliness,

then when family life collapses, the fallout can be enormous.

In Britain today, it's predicted that 42% of marriages

will end in divorce.

Ben's ended after 13 years.

'I think divorce probably is one of the biggest causes of loneliness.

'It upsets the whole of your life.'

When your marriage breaks up, suddenly, you haven't got a map of your life in the future

and you're thinking, "What comes next?"

And actually, the first day I moved in here, I had a little cry

and the kids had a little cry and, I don't know,

you suddenly then have to find your own future and it's really hard.

So you don't just lose your partner in life,

you lose friends, too.

You've suddenly gone from being a couple to being a single person

and having no-one to share life with.

So actually your whole social life changes when you've split up.

The hardest thing for me would be being a dad

and not seeing a lot of my children.

My boys are 15 and 13.

They're lovely children.

Well, one of them's lovely, the other one's a bit of a shit.

My kids come home from school, I'll cook their tea,

I'll talk to them, they'll grunt at me.

They are "self-absorbed", I think, is one way of putting it.

I love my kids, but it is quite restrictive when they are in your house.

You can't go out with your mates and all that sort of stuff,

so there are nights where you don't see adults night in, night out.

So, yeah, it is lonely.

'Day 28 of being divorced,

'he gave up his job to pen his next masterpiece.'

I wrote my first book when I was splitting up.

'Need to get out more and meet people.

'Maybe should take up something poncey

'and middle class, like pottery.'

It was about loneliness and it's about things like waking up

on a Saturday morning when you haven't got your kids with you,

and it became real therapy.

I suppose that helped me combat the loneliness for a while

because I could get lost in a different world and I could make myself smile.

But the emotions that I'd write about

would be genuine emotions that I'd experienced.

'Day 28 of being divorced.

'Kids not remotely interested in his career as an author.

'Kids not remotely interested in talking to him full stop.'

My first book reached number one on its relevant category on Amazon.

So when they came home from school, I was really excited,

I said, "I'm number one on Amazon."

They said, "That's great, Dad. What's for tea?"

There's not a cure for loneliness that's written down.

It's not like a recipe book that you can follow ten points

and suddenly you're not lonely.

Are we embarking on internet dating now?

We have embarked on internet dating, yeah.

The pressure of dating

is that I've got two children and they come first.

And I've got a routine with the children

where I'm at home for three or four nights a week with them.

Who are these two teams?

'So it's very restrictive, actually, being a dad and dating.'

But I think, actually, the alternative would be

sitting feeling sorry for myself, and I don't want to do that.

Life is better for me when I'm part of a couple.

That doesn't mean I'm desperate to be part of a couple now,

but, actually, when I'm 65, I want somebody to share it with.

Dinner is served.

'I'm probably not quite as lonely as I was,

'because I've learned to cope with it.

'But I'm still lonelier than I would want to be.'

Eat it. Tell me.

Nobody wants to feel lonely.

And if we are, we hope it won't last forever.

What we can do is try to protect ourselves

from being overwhelmed by despair.

'I'm very good at putting a brave face on it.

'I'm very good at kind of just getting on with life.'

Because you don't want to be that person who whinges all...

I don't want to be Bridget Jones,

I don't want to be whingeing about not having a boyfriend all the time.

It's so boring.

Ten years ago, Jaye moved to Leeds for a new job,

leaving behind her life and friends in London.

I'm going to be turning 40 next year.

I didn't think I would be in this situation when I got to this age.

I was pretty sure I'd have the whole relationship thing sorted by now.

It's not happened at all.

I've actually spent most of my 30s single,

um...which, er...is not how it is in Sex And The City.

The last time I had a boyfriend, somebody who said,

"We're in a relationship, we're in this together," was 13 years ago.

I think being single is the biggest cause of my loneliness.

And I'm missing a deeper connection with someone in particular, I think.

How scared are you of it, loneliness?

I don't think I'm scared of...the feeling, loneliness.

I've endured it, I know I'm capable of getting through it.

But I am scared

of getting to a point where that's all that there is.

I'm lying in bed, or I'm just out, wondering why nobody wants me,

what it is that you're doing wrong

that means that, for some reason, you're completely undesirable.

When it gets really dark, when I'm feeling really down about myself,

I tend to focus on my weight.

I tend to think that that's...that's the only thing I can think of

that's really changed in, like, the last 13 years,

is that I've put on weight.

I'm not going to meet any single guys at Weight Watchers.

I think if I thought I was going to meet single guys,

I might go to Weight Watchers.

SHE LAUGHS

Do you think you'll be able to come to terms with that this might be it,

that that could be you on your own? I mean, how does that make you feel?

(Sorry.)

I don't... I can't.

I can't...I can't come to terms with that.

Um...

I don't...

And that's what's hard, because I don't know how to change it.

Um...

I...

I can't...I can't let myself believe that...

that...that this is it.

-RADIO:

-And if you live in a big city,

there's every chance you won't even know the people next door.

A recent report showed more of us than ever before are living alone.

So, does that mean we're a lonelier society than we once were?

I worry about ending up alone, I really do.

What if it doesn't change? What...what if this is it?

It sounds awful. It sounds like I'm basically saying

I'm going to kill myself eventually and I...and I'm...I-I...

I...I don't think I'm saying that.

But, um...I-I-I don't think I'm not saying that.

I have resorted to internet dating.

I think I've got to the point where I try and make a joke out of it.

I try not to care.

I try not to put any weight on it.

I casually flick through, being all optimistic

and light-hearted about it, but actually...

-It's really horrible.

-Yeah. Yeah, it is.

It's quite... It can be quite grim.

And...and sometimes, actually, going on there is worse than

not being on there at all.

It almost feels like another place to be rejected.

In real life, there's nobody there, I can't find anybody,

there isn't anybody who seems to be wanting me.

And I've just opened myself up to another platform

and a whole host of other people who aren't interested in me either.

I sometimes wonder if I'll get to a point where I'll just go,

"Yeah, anyone will do."

Um...but I don't...I don't think I will.

Every year that goes by, you think, "Oh, yeah, it'll happen soon.

"It's got to happen soon. It can't...it can't carry on like this.

"It can't really be like this all the time."

Um...and then you start to think that maybe it will.

I do try to hang on to the hope

that there is still somebody out there for me.

I just... I don't know how to find him.

It takes a very brave person to admit to themselves

and others how lonely they really are.

Men tend to be reluctant to talk about their emotions,

let alone discuss them in public.

Richard is 72 and lonely for the first time in his life.

I had no understanding of loneliness at all until Charlie died.

Having lived with her for 40 years,

20 years of that time she was fighting one problem after another

that could have taken her life.

You learn quite a lot about facing death.

That doesn't bother me, neither does dying.

What scares me most is spending the rest of my life alone.

Richard keeps himself fit and active.

His doctors have said he has a strong heart

and he could live for another 20 years or more.

I've got everything materially that most people want.

But that's the point.

I've got material things. Yes, I've got a gorgeous house,

I've got more than enough money for the lifestyle I want to live.

I have a boat in the Mediterranean, I have a superb family.

Five children, 12 grandchildren and a great-grandchild.

Doesn't do the business.

I am lonely.

The only solution is to find another woman.

That's a degrading statement.

I need a soul mate. I need a pal.

Avoiding a problem doesn't make it go away. You have to confront it.

So I try to confront it...every day.

And it is every day.

It's not, you know, this is not something

that I feel lonely on Fridays, or once a month.

It's...it's 24 hours a day.

In a room full of people.

Smoking. No way. Happy with that.

Romantic. I like romantic.

Hasn't got any animals. High score.

Earns less than 25,000...

Richard's search for a new partner

sees him now spending up to four hours a day on dating sites.

I'm a positive sort of guy,

but I think my chances of success are pretty remote.

I think if I was 20, 30, 40 years old,

even 50 maybe, that might be easier.

I'm playing the dating game because I want a partner.

It's not that we're looking for people to do things with.

I am doing things with you each morning, you know, when I have coffee.

That's good. I've got plenty of things like that to do. My life is full.

I've got nobody to do nothing with.

I want a partner.

I will not survive without it.

Um...but, then, what keeps me going at the moment

is the fun of doing it.

We have the banter in here, don't we?

You take the mickey out of me when I tell you the stories.

THEY LAUGH

You have to have them ticking all the bloody boxes.

And it's not... You've got to roll with the punches, you know.

It's, er...it's...

That's true. I can't disagree with that.

Yeah. You've got to enjoy your own company.

And I don't.

If I'm honest, I don't.

Going to bed at night on my own, I still dread that.

After four and a half years.

I want to be able to give.

You can't give unless you've got somebody to give to.

It's an awful feeling.

This sounds dreadful, Sue, but it is an awful feeling.

I walk in that door, it's like opening the door on loneliness.

If being alone at some point in our lives

is now inevitable for most of us,

is there any way we can face it more positively?

Can we learn to be alone without being desolate and lonely?

The author Sara Maitland lives in a remote corner of Scotland.

She embraces and enjoys solitude

in a more radical way than most of us would ever be able to do.

One of her books is called How To Be Alone.

'I don't really do lonely.

'I like being alone.'

And choosing solitude is a really different thing

from having it thrust upon you by usually bad life circumstances.

After my marriage ended,

for the first time in my life, I was living alone.

I went to live in the country and what I discovered,

after three or four years, is that I really, really liked it.

BARKING

BLEATING

I'm very interested to explore ways

in which it is possible to be a modern hermit.

And one of the joys that I feel given, and given by God,

is the extraordinary beauty of where I live.

This area has an extraordinary soundscape.

It's unusually silent.

There is an astonishingly attentive hush on a moor

which I just love.

My lifestyle is a very good fit for my inner world, my psychology.

I'm happier now than I've ever been. Happier.

And is that to do with solitude?

It is to do with the circumstances of me in my solitude.

I don't think there's a thing over there called solitude

which simply would deliver these goods to anybody

who kind of, er...bought a house in the country.

I don't think it quite works like that.

People are experiencing loneliness and not liking it.

We don't want to spend time with ourselves.

We don't want to spend time alone.

The commonest reasons for loneliness

are break-up of relationship and bereavement.

Neither of those are nice experiences before you start.

Of course you don't feel great about it!

This idea that relationship is what makes you happy

makes not being in one...gives you a predisposition to be unhappy,

that if you're not in a relationship,

you're somehow a... Yeah, a failure.

And I think what's frightening about this

is that aloneness is becoming more and more unavoidable.

So, is the loneliness epidemic

related to the mental health epidemic?

Both ways. Both loneliness is causing depression

and depression is causing isolation.

Because it seems to me we've got two epidemics going on. Um...

And however chirpy I want to be about aloneness,

I do not want to be chirpy about mental health.

I think the mental health issues are damaging our society.

-RADIO:

-New research from the Mental Health Foundation

links loneliness to mental illness

and says it can be accompanied by depression,

addiction and other psychological conditions.

Catherine Hill is the director of Mental Health...

'I've been married twice

'and then had another relationship, as well.

'Unfortunately, one of the relationships

'turned out to be physically abusive.'

So I haven't been on my own all the time,

but I'd rather be lonely on my own

than lonely in the relationship.

I think, if anything, that's probably... Well, it is worse.

-RADIO:

-You are very much of the belief

that loneliness can lead to mental illness.

Yes. There's clear evidence that says

that loneliness can lead to depression and anxiety.

But it can also...

And, I mean, I'm lonely now, you know, really.

Um...although, you know,

as long as I don't talk about it, it's fine.

I've got four children.

My daughter's the eldest, and then the three boys.

But they live all over the country.

So I don't get to see them that often.

As a family, there's not that physical or emotional closeness.

When Christine was in her 20s and at home with her young children,

she had what today would be recognised as postnatal depression.

Now 72, she's spent most of her adult life on antidepressants.

I mean, I... Hm.

I have tried to commit suicide a couple of times,

but I made the decision that that was not an option.

I just couldn't do that to the family.

So, OK, you're not doing that, so therefore,

you've got...somehow, you've got to make this work.

To make it work, Christine radically changed her lifestyle,

managing to come off medication for the first time in 40 years.

My week, I need it to be very structured

so I've got a reason to get out of bed in the mornings.

Exercise is absolutely critical for my mental health,

as well as my physical health.

That's why I go to the gym, why I go swimming.

From experience, I know if I haven't got things planned,

the depression will start kicking back in again.

That really scares me, the, um...

You know, of going downhill again

and having to go back on antidepressants.

Christine admits she finds it hard to make friends

and tends to keep everyone at arm's length.

I'm good at listening,

but I don't want to tell people how I'm feeling.

Because it's too painful, really.

I just don't think I'm a very nice person.

And I don't deserve to be somebody's friend.

Um...

That's... Oh, I'm sorry.

Recently, with sort of illnesses, I've sort of remade my will

and sort of talked about, um...dying.

So I've donated my body to medical science.

Because if I'm very honest about this,

and this is quite difficult to say, um...

one of the reasons is because

I don't want to have a funeral and nobody turn up.

Because I think that would be the loneliest thing.

I mean, my children would be there, but who else?

-That...that...that's really why.

-Aw!

Because I think if you, you know...

if you had a funeral and nobody came...

150 miles away in Birmingham

lives Christine's son, Iain.

They talk on the phone every week,

but see each other only once or twice a year.

'Normally for me, my day starts at about four in the afternoon.'

And then I watch a bit of telly,

depending on the TV schedule,

I'll either play a game or watch a bit more TV,

and then just sort of keep playing games, watching telly

until about three or four in the morning,

and that's when I go back to bed.

-So, you're hiding?

-Yeah, I'm hiding.

Hiding from everyday life is what I'm doing.

And trying to...sort of only expose myself to the bits I feel are safe.

How long has your life been like this?

Um...

..probably getting on for ten years.

Iain used to work in IT, but after the death of his father,

his anxiety and depression overwhelmed him.

He hasn't worked or had a relationship since.

Iain is 42 years old.

And his tiny flat is now both his sanctuary and his prison.

You do start wondering if the walls aren't closing in a little bit.

I think it's very difficult for me to...

..separate the depression and the loneliness.

Um...if you've got issues with depression,

they just feed off each other.

So you're sad, you don't feel like going out or doing anything,

so you stay in and then you feel lonely,

which just makes you sadder,

so you are less likely to want to go out

and do anything, which makes you more lonely.

It's a vicious circle.

Loneliness has been with me on and off for all of my adult life.

Sometimes it's very important just to hear a friendly voice.

Just to reaffirm that actually,

the rest of the world is still there.

What's the longest, Iain,

that you've been in this room and not seen anyone?

Two weeks was the longest that I've been here on my own.

There are days when I don't particularly want to wake up.

I can't imagine life without the games,

because they provide me with my high points.

You know, they let me feel that I'm achieving things.

They, er...occupy my time

so that I don't have to think about...

..how shit stuff is.

Iain isn't just trapped in his flat by anxiety and depression.

Like many others with mental health problems,

he's also trapped by lack of money.

He lives on just £8 a day.

What three things do you think, Iain, would make your life better?

Or one thing?

I think I'd only need,

you know, someone just to come and see me.

Maybe for a couple of hours once or twice a week.

It really helps if there's something to look forward to, if...

You know, when you know that actually, "I've got this coming up,"

then...then that can...

up until that point, that can...

that can keep me going for, you know, weeks.

One of the reasons that I'm so pleased to be doing this

is because of the company.

You know, it's...it's nice to have people here.

One in four of us will experience

a mental health problem in any given year.

Having a complete breakdown, as Martin discovered,

puts you in a very lonely place.

'I left home when I was 16 and I joined the Army.

'You've got to be driven with that.

'You see a problem, you just put your head down and go for it.

'I joined Network Rail as a project manager.'

I was in charge, responsible of delivering

enhancement projects on the railway.

At one point, up to £40 million.

I was always known as the go-to person if there was a problem.

"If the project's failing, give it to Martin, he'll turn it around."

And I started to measure my own self-worth

through my achievements at work.

So that was fine, until I started to get overwhelmed with work.

It was lonely because I was looking at other people, thinking,

"Well, how come they can manage this? How come they can cope?

"I'm no good. I'm failing at this. How can I be failing?

"I'm going to be found out, I'm going to lose my job."

I didn't want to go home and talk to my wife about how I was feeling,

how much of a failure I felt

and how I was just convinced I was going to get made redundant.

And if I was going to get made redundant, why would she be with me?

I felt as if I couldn't talk to anybody in my office.

I felt sort of trapped in that environment.

That's incredibly lonely because you don't...

You can't associate with people, you've got no empathy with people.

And I felt like I just can't carry on like this.

And I thought about suicide.

"I need to end this. I need to stop being like this."

And as soon as I thought about ending my life,

my thoughts calmed down. Completely calmed.

Martin did his research thoroughly,

carefully choosing the method of his planned suicide

and the day he was going to do it. A Friday.

I'm sat with my wife, thinking, "I'm going to kill myself."

Not thinking, planned.

And I felt so isolated by myself,

I didn't say that to the one person who knows me the best in the world.

And if that isn't loneliness, I don't know what it is.

I said goodbye to my wife, and I think I said,

"I love...I loved you. I love you."

And I think I said it two or three times before I left,

as if I was saying goodbye to her.

On his way to town, Martin dropped into his local health centre

and calmly discussed his suicide plan with a nurse.

I was in the clinic and the door opened.

There were three very large, body-armoured police officers there.

HE LAUGHS

And I thought to myself, "What's going on here, then?"

And then they said, "You've got two choices.

"You can either come with us voluntarily,

"or we're going to have to put the cuffs on you."

Martin checked into hospital voluntarily

and stayed there for several weeks receiving treatment.

I've had depression and I've tried to kill myself.

These are all, you know, socially unacceptable,

and you think, "What are people going to think of me?"

Friends would come around the house, asking how I was

and I was scared to talk to them.

I couldn't believe anybody would understand how I felt,

so I wasn't speaking to anybody about it. And that's lonely.

It took a long time, a supportive wife

and a sympathetic employer

and eventually, Martin was back on his feet and back at work.

But he's a very changed man these days.

-RECORDING:

-This is a short meditation

designed to settle and ground yourself in the present moment.

CHIME

So finding a comfortable position,

either lying on a mat, or a thick rug...

If you'd have told me I was practising mindfulness meditation

for ten minutes every day, I'd have laughed at you and said,

"There's no way I'll be a tree hugger.

"No way on this planet would I be doing that."

-RECORDING:

-Remembering that the aim is simply to notice

where the mind has been,

then gently escorting your mind back to the breath.

Having to man up, so to speak, to the fact that

my thoughts and my emotions are not...quite right,

and learning coping mechanisms and being honest with my emotions

has made me a much better person, I think.

CHIME

-RECORDING:

-If there are no sensations,

simply registering a blank, this is perfectly fine.

INSTRUMENTAL

Five and six, 56.

Seven and four, 74.

If it wasn't for my wife, I wouldn't be where I am now.

I've rebalanced my work life, so I spend more time with my wife.

Every Thursday night, we play bingo.

HE LAUGHS

Which I would never have said five years ago.

Four and six, 46.

So it's a little bit of mindfulness bingo.

Eight and nine, 89.

I can't change the past,

all I can do is put things in place now to have a better future.

You've only got one life...and work isn't it.

Your family is it.

One-oh, number 10.

I'm having a life that's really quite nice.

If this really is the age of loneliness,

then we're all going to have to find new ways of dealing with being alone.

For some, there is no easy or obvious solution.

For others, the loneliness will pass

and they'll find their own way through.

It's often the smallest gestures of kindness

that make the biggest impact.

The weekly visit, the monthly tea party,

the army of volunteers.

Lonely lives can be transformed

by something as simple as a weekly phone call from a stranger.

-PHONE:

-Hi, Dorothy. How are you doing today?

'Silver Line was a lifeline. It's done me a world of good.'

Have you finished the crossword?

It's somebody there.

Somebody who's taking notice and caring a little.

I'll call you next week.

We began with Dorothy, the familiar face of lonely,

a feisty and determined 85-year-old widow.

You've got to go on living.

I didn't want to turn out to be a moaner.

It's six years since Eric died and Dorothy always knew,

as they had no children, that going on living

would mean being totally alone.

I looked at a photograph and I thought,

"Do you know, there's nobody alive on that."

Except me. I'm the only one left.

What can you do?

There's nobody else there, so you just have to grin and bear it.

You've got to go out and meet people again.

You've got to put yourself forward.

And I've started going to computer classes.

I was about 85.

A late learner.

Blackpool Sands, Blackpool Zoo or Blackpool Road.

Shall we go and have a look at the Pleasure Beach?

-Yeah.

-Right, so...

-Why not?

Go down to the Pleasure Beach and click on Pleasure Beach.

-Amazing!

-Yeah.

'I'm learning bit by bit.

'I enjoy going.'

I like the people I meet there.

Again, it's meeting somebody.

Do you enjoy your life now, Dorothy?

I enjoy what I can of my life.

Well, it's different.

'The main thing in my life, I love people.'

And I think this is why I feel lonely, as well.

I love people.

I like to talk to them and discuss things.

Dorothy was ill even before Eric died.

But she decided against having treatment.

I've nobody to have to keep myself going for.

Except a few friends.

Yes, they'll miss me, but it's not the same.

Not like missing family.

What do you think, Dorothy, would make your life less lonely?

A house full of people!

DOROTHY LAUGHS

That's the only way to cure it.

We had a lovely time filming with Dorothy.

Then we heard that she'd died five weeks later.

In her home, alone.