Rehab: Addicted Lives

This programme contains scenes which some viewers may find upsetting

and very strong language.

We're going to meet a 21-year-old homeless girl

using crack and heroin.

I arranged to meet her yesterday, cos I've got no means of

contacting her cos she's got no phone, she's got absolutely nothing.

I've got two bags of clean clothes in the car.

I just met her on the street - she asked me for £2, and I kind of said,

"I'll give you £2

"if you sit down for 20 minutes and have something to eat."

I said, "There's a possibility that I could have you somewhere safe

"where you could come off of all the drugs that you're using,

"if you want that,"

and she said she wanted to stop doing what she's doing

but she can't see no light at the end of the tunnel.

But I said I would meet her here at 6.30. It's 12 minutes past 6 now.

I kind of know what it's like when people give up on you,

when society gives up on you. I kind of know how that feels.

And like I said earlier, when...

INTERVIEWER: How does it feel?

It feels like... It feels like you're the scum of the Earth.

I already thought that I was a piece of shit, anyway, you know?

I never thought that I would ever get a day clean.

I was kind of resigned to the fact that I'd die

either from a bullet or a blade or in an institution.

I kind of accepted that... really accepted that,

and I never thought that I would ever stop using.

I never thought that I would ever be employed.

But there's a way out of this shit. There's a way out.

You know, there's a way out. And I'm 11 years in to the way out.

And God willing, I'll continue to go for another 11 years.

But all I've got to get through is today, and I've got another

five and a bit hours and I've got another day under my belt.

Don't look like she's going to come.

-Will you come back tomorrow?

-Yeah, I'll come into town tomorrow.

-And the day after?

-Yeah.

-The day after that?

-Yeah.

Big John first came to Somerset 11 years ago to beat his addictions.

He's now a support worker

at the only rehab that was prepared to treat him.

There she is.

HOOTS HORN

-Where are you going?

-Um, I'm just...

-To score?

No, I'm going to have a smoke quickly,

-and then if you can be there at one o'clock.

-Are you going to come...

-This is Phil.

-Is he filming now?

-Yeah.

-Oh.

-I think so.

-You going to come to Coco Browns?

-Yeah, yeah.

-At one o'clock?

-Yeah.

When was the last time you slept in a bed, apart from a punter's?

-Well, ages ago.

-OK.

Long time.

-You ever done anything like this before?

-Um, like what?

Go to rehab?

No. No, I haven't. Um...

I've never even really got engaged with any of the, like,

addiction support agencies or anything, really.

I was on a script for a bit, but I couldn't...

I couldn't stick to the meetings or anything, you know? Um... Yeah.

Did you ever think of yourself injecting yourself with drugs?

-Cos when I was smoking heroin...

-Yeah. No, I...

-..I said I would never inject heroin.

-That's the same.

I always said... I hated needles, I had a phobia of needles,

I hated them, do you know what I mean? I never, ever thought

I'd inject...turn to injecting - and I did, didn't I?

And it got to the point where I actually had a needle fetish,

like, I liked stabbing myself, gave me some sort of satisfaction,

do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

And do you know what, as well - I've only been injecting a year,

yeah, and I've already gone in my groin, and that, like,

that's normally something that happens years and years down

the line, but my veins, I've smashed them so much already, like,

they give up already, do you know what I mean?

SIREN

-What did you want to be when you was growing up?

-Um...

Do you know what, I never really knew.

I was always a bit confused,

but I can remember when I was in little school, yeah,

I think probably about year 5 - no, probably year 6, I think, juniors -

and I remember the headmaster was coming to the classroom

and he was asking us all what we all wanted to be,

and I said I wanted to be a glamour model, and I was only, like,

ten or whatever, and that's what I said, do you know what I mean?

And I used to say things like I wanted to be a footballer's wife

or I wanted to marry an old man and have all his money when he died.

-I used to say things like that. That's what I wanted to be.

-Yeah.

-But I never wanted to be a heroin addict.

-Ah.

-That was last on the list, wasn't it?

-Yeah, definitely.

-Same here.

-But you know what...?

-Or a prostitute.

-Yeah.

Never wanted to be that.

But you know what? If you get this opportunity and you take it

and you do well, you can be anything you want to be.

-Yeah.

-You know?

-Yeah.

DOOR CREAKS

Broadway Lodge is a privately-run residential rehab for addiction.

It's staffed by specialist nurses and counsellors,

some of whom are former patients.

For the last 15 years, I've been waiting for this day.

There are 43 beds here and strict rules apply.

No drugs, no alcohol, no inappropriate relationships.

I haven't got my glasses on so I can't actually see if this

-has got alcohol in it or not. Can you have a look?

-Let's have a look.

-I can't see.

-Does it usually say "alcohol-free?"

Yeah, it should say "alcohol-free" on the front or it should say

"contains alcohol" on the back.

-Oh, it's alcohol-free. You can keep that one.

-Brilliant.

It has 24-hour detox facilities

where some spend weeks coming off their drugs.

Clients must work through a 12-step programme,

which requires them to admit they are powerless over their

addictions and openly discuss the consequences of them.

Everyone goes through a process of intensive therapy

and written self-examination.

Daddy's a bit better, yeah, but he's still getting his teeth fixed.

But I'll see you Sunday.

Yeah. You'll have your daddy back soon.

Yeah, a proper one what you deserve.

APPLAUSE

A client's funding is determined by where they live,

not the severity of their issues.

Some get up to 12 weeks' funding, others as little as 7 days.

After her assessment, Bea was deemed not yet ready for treatment.

I never saw her again.

-Are you going to be OK?

-Yeah.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

-See you later.

-Bye.

-Want me to take it?

-OK.

-OK.

-Thanks.

-OK.

The start. Everything starts somewhere, don't it?

-It sure does.

-Yeah.

You will.

-See you soon, OK?

-I'll give you a bell, anyway, all right, Dad?

-Yeah.

-Can I finish my coffee and then go? Is that all right?

-Course you can!

I'll ring a cab from here

-and then I can go.

-Absolutely.

-Is that all right? Thank you very much.

Have you been through treatment before?

I didn't stop taking drugs until I was 58.

I'm...69 now.

Yeah.

I took drugs from 14 onwards.

Um...

And it took me where it took me.

Craig's my son.

He lived through that.

I... I don't do it any more.

Ten years clean now, and I ain't doing that on my own.

I did mine through a...through a 12-step programme.

I work a 12-step programme.

His mother's in the fellowship, I'm in the fellowship,

his brother's in the fellowship

and now Craig is going to start the journey of recovering.

Behind each step, there is a spiritual principle,

and a spiritual principle is a fundamental truth,

an origin from which positive change can occur.

Once you start working these steps,

and these steps become psychologically embedded in you,

learning to be honest from people who have become dishonest

through denial - you deny your addiction,

you deny how bad it is - things start to get better.

You're not in recovery at the moment - you're in treatment.

You do what we say when we say it.

You go to meetings when we tell you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Recovery starts when you leave here and you go through the gate

and you make the decisions all yourself.

Right, you be a good boy for your mum, please, um, and just,

like I say, if you're thinking of me and you get upset just read that

letter and just know that it's not

going to be as long as you think, all right?

I'm going to go now cos my pennies have gone. I love you!

Bye!

Yes!

-Yes!

-What?

-I'm so happy.

Just spoke to my little boy and I'm dead happy to hear his voice,

just...so much lifted off my shoulders by speaking to him.

I'm just over the moon. I can't explain how happy I am.

I am so, so happy how. It's just made my night.

I've got my little things here, which is my little boy and me,

I've got my picture over there that I kiss every night. He's my world.

Without him, I don't think I'd be in here.

Um...and I came in here for myself so we can have

a better life together, and it's working so far,

it really is working doing the therapies and the counselling,

and, um, I'm freeing myself of my demons, so to speak.

The members of this group all share the same problems -

alcohol and chemical dependency,

eating disorders and other compulsive behaviours.

By confirming to others our problems and feelings,

we find we are not alone.

Through self-disclosure and open discussion our various

defence mechanisms are recognised and resolved and we find

a logical approach to our problems.

These are our group therapy sessions.

Every person should participate as they're an important part

of the treatment programme. A common concern of the group

is that each of us help the other become a well person.

My name's Nessa. I'm an addict.

My name's Craig and I'm an addict.

Drugs have took me to insanity.

Drugs were my best friend, but they didn't act like a best friend.

They sure didn't. I don't know what I saw in them.

They saw something in me and wanted to keep coming back

and I just bowed down to them.

Thanks, Mum, that's nice to hear. Yeah, it's nice to hear. Um...

And it's lovely to speak to you. Is Dad there? Am I on loudspeaker?

'Each day, I'm getting a bit of me back that I've lost.

'Mum and Dad can hear it in my voice.

'I can see it physically in me.'

I think there's an underlying problem

that I'm still to uncover,

whether it's childhood, whether it's depression...

It's childhood, it's foster care, six years away from parents.

Broken family.

I was took into care at the age of nine

for six, seven years with my little sister.

My foster mum and dad, they taught me manners,

they taught me a lot.

They were all there for me,

they gave me everything I needed

when I came in that desperate place of no family.

INTERVIEWER: Is it easy to accept your mum and dad

back into your life?

Hm... Um... Yeah, it was...

I'd like to say it was, yeah.

I don't have no resentment.

All I wanted was what I never had, um...which was my family.

INTERVIEWER: What do you want to do when you get out of here?

HE LAUGHS

I feel like there's a life I'm meant to live,

and it's not a complicated life.

So, simple things.

Be a brother.

Maybe one day be a dad.

Help people.

See the fields and listen to the wind.

Write poetry.

Listen to music, play music.

Dance shamelessly, which is not something I am currently capable of!

Um...

And just enjoy being alive.

Simple things, really, that I've not been able to do just yet.

INTERVIEWER: That's the photo from your passport?

Yeah, the emergency passport I needed to get out of Indonesia.

I actually begged for 4 from a guy in the Embassy hall

so I could go to get the photo taken.

The passport was paid for by a really good friend of mine's mum,

who I called in the middle of the night, crying,

trying to get home,

and then I got told by the Embassy lady that I would need...

I think it was 4 or 5, the equivalent of, Australian money.

And I had no money, and so I kind of begged this Scottish guy.

I was so desperate.

I just said, "Please, I just need 5."

And it was just a horrible feeling, having to ask.

And he gave... I think he gave me about 20,

which gave me the petrol to put back in the bike

to get back to where I was...

To the AA meetings.

But, yeah, that was the photo that was taken.

That was the week before I got into Broadway.

And I thought I was well.

HE PLAYS PIANO

Before coming in here, I've never trusted anybody.

And now, I trust my counsellor.

INTERVIEWER: You've gone through your whole life

without trusting anyone?

No, I don't know how to trust.

Trust is...

..dangerous.

Trust is what will lead me to get hurt.

Trust is what will...

You trust me, and the evidence would suggest

that you're going to get hurt.

That's what the evidence would say. That's what my mind tells me.

So, it's a risk.

I have to force myself to trust all the time.

You know, even right now, trusting you is...

You don't know me, I don't know you,

and my mind is going, "You don't know this guy.

"Why would you bare your soul to this guy?

"What good is it doing?" But for me, it's an important practice now,

for me to trust all the time.

Just trust, trust, trust, trust, trust,

and trust that I won't get hurt or abandoned,

like I was when I was a kid,

or trust I won't hurt you, like I've hurt my wife...

..or I've hurt my brother or my sisters or my friends,

and trust that, actually, it's going to be OK.

Some people, when you ask them what their primary drug is,

or what their drug of choice is,

they'll say, "Oh, it's crack, it's heroin."

Mine was "more", and a lot of people will say that - "more".

Of anything, anything.

That meant pills, puff, crack, heroin...

I remember I was...I was...

I was 38 years of age

and I was sitting in a crack house in Hackney,

waiting for the dealer to reload,

and there was a tin of gas on the table in this crack house,

and I started sniffing the gas, man.

And the people around me, they couldn't believe it.

Anything to change the way that I felt.

Yeah, I have damaged the receptors in my brain.

I've had 12 sessions of electric shock treatment.

I've done offending behaviour courses.

I've done anger management courses.

And none of it worked.

And then I went to Broadway, 5th December 2005.

And, um...

I knew that I had to change.

And, for me, you know,

it's about the relationships that I have with my family.

My sisters didn't talk to me for many years

and now I've got a relationship with my sisters.

A relationship that I've got with my father, with my mother,

my daughter.

Now I've got a granddaughter, now, you know?

And when she was three hours up - three hours old - when she was born,

she was three hours old and I held her in my arms

and she was tiny.

She only took up a little bit of my arm.

And I kind of looked at her and I made a vow

that she'd never see me out of my nut.

She'd never see me out of my nut

and she will never visit me in an institution,

as long as I keep doing what I'm doing.

And I couldn't do that for my daughter.

My daughter was dragged to every prison in this country

and secure units and...

Yeah. But, yeah, with my granddaughter,

it's going to be a different ball game.

Totally different.

They'll give you some medication. They'll look after you.

They'll make you feel better

and they'll continue that throughout the night.

They'll come in your room and wake you up

and make sure that you've got meds.

They'll look after you.

Like I said earlier, you're in a safe place.

You're all right.

Blow into that, and then it'll...beep and make a clunk.

-HE EXHALES, BEEPING

-That's it. Fantastic.

Just to see how much of it is left in your system, OK?

I should loosen up a bit. If you're feeling a bit sick...

Take your coat...

Can I shut that window?

Blimey.

-You don't want the window open?

-No.

-Let a bit of air in?

-No.

-I'm too cold.

-Cold, are you?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-WHISPERS:

-Oh, dear.

What have I done to myself?

I've been incredibly selfish

and I've manipulated a lot of people to serve my needs,

to drink alcohol, uninterrupted.

I thought if I stopped drinking alcohol,

everything would be fantastic,

but it wasn't - it was actually worse,

cos I became more aware of...

..of what happens when I don't face that pain that I have inside.

So, regardless of whether I drink again or not,

it's...it's about me facing that side of myself

I don't want to face.

And I can't do it alone, you know?

I used to want to face that stuff alone.

But I need other people, I need counsellors,

friends, relationships.

Cos God forbid I...

God forbid I meet someone as beautiful and...

..and amazing as my wife,

soon-to-be ex-wife,

and I do that again.

I can't do that again.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I don't know how long I'm going to be sober for.

That's the nature of my disease.

It means I have to be incredibly grateful for today.

I don't even know if I'm going to be sober till the end of the day.

Something could... A phone call that I'm not expecting.

It really does force you to live presently, this illness.

Come on, you've got him on the ropes!

In!

-Amazing volley, Craig.

-The champ. The reigning champion!

SHE LAUGHS

The reason why I asked you to do this assignment work

specifically around your son

and around the consequences of your using,

it's part of the 12-step programme to look at

the consequences, to really own and say,

"This is what happens when I use."

"You're only young, and I know you won't understand,

"but I feel I should be honest with you before I can move forward.

"You see Daddy looking around his flat...

"..for things that I think have been moved.

"You hear Daddy saying, 'I think someone has my keys.'

"When really, it's just Dad being silly and stupid,

"because I live for taking drugs.

"I've been so paranoid and strange, it hurts me to say.

"Also, nipping in and out all the time to cars,

"whether selling or buying drugs,

"asking you to wait at the door,

"when really, you just want to come with me.

"Mobile phone's always in my hand,

"because I want to score, or because I've got a customer.

"And my big fags - they're drugs, Tee-Jay.

"It kills me to say it, but I'm a loser because of this.

"I don't want you to be like me

"nor have any of my addiction traits

"to affect your life.

"And I'm sorry for always being on my phone

"when we should have been spending quality time together.

"But I'm going to change my ways, and do what Grandad does, which...

"In meetings, he's been the dad I've never been.

"So, so upset, my little man.

"I love you so, so much. Love, Daddy."

Very powerful and very honest.

It is, and I'm sorry.

BACKGROUND CONVERSATION

I have to write about step one on manageability and consequences.

Just thinking about...

I'm writing about when...

..uh, I used to be a working girl.

I went onto a street one night, um...

Got some money, ended up going back to my boyfriend's house, uh...

At the time, his mum used to use with him.

We were all sat there using,

I remember looking, thinking, "Do you know what?

"I'd never use in front of my son, ever."

Not in front of him. I've done it behind...

You know, like, with the door shut, and things like that,

but I've never done it in front of him.

Um...

And, yeah, basically, he just...

Before I came in treatment, he kept coming round,

and kept coming round, and he just wouldn't go.

Erm...

And I ended up just smoking crack in front of him.

And...

Ended up in a big argument... He called me a crackhead.

Not a good place, really.

SHE SIGHS

Finding it tough in here?

Very.

Yeah, very tough.

Very emotional.

Just all different feelings all over my head.

My head is in a whirl.

I'm really struggling.

I wanted to leave earlier.

Bad.

But I know I've got to stay here, and I know I've got to do this.

Because if I don't, there's no other option, I'll just cruise.

I have just got to keep doing this stuff.

Sometimes I think, "What's the point?

"Why are you making me do this?

"Why are you making me write all this stuff?"

But when you write it, you get to that shit place.

It kind of lifts after you've done it. You write it, and you feel shit,

and you sit with it for a little bit, and then...

it just lifts. It just... I don't know.

It's like you have just got it out and...

..and forgiven yourself a little bit for it.

And then it comes back.

It's not going to go in one day, is it? Or two weeks, but I'm kind of...

Kind of coping with it, I think.

Well, I've not gone anywhere.

One of the first things you learn about rehab

is how brief your encounters can be.

People leave daily.

There could be problems at home, the stress of living with other addicts,

or simply the pain of withdrawing.

Timmy's detox was complicated.

As well as his opiate addictions, he was hooked on Spice,

and had come here straight from prison.

He was permanently on the edge of leaving.

I've been through a really rough time.

And I've tormented myself.

Last year, some...

They spread horrible rumours, and it was just horrible. Horrible.

Sounds like a difficult time.

I'm scared of failing, as well.

Because last time, when it got too much for me,

I walked out of rehab after a week.

So, what can you do this time?

Well, I've opened up.

-That's good.

-I think I've exposed myself.

-I feel vulnerable.

-OK. And that's OK, Tim.

In the group, in the group, express that.

Tell people where you are, how you're feeling, and

you will be surprised at how many people will feel something similar.

Well, when people are all right with me, I felt all right this morning.

I don't know if it's my mental health - one minute,

I'm all right, and then I get down, I don't know where I am.

It's all fucking... It's all over the place.

-Do you see what I'm saying?

-Ground yourself today.

Ground yourself today, don't make any rash decisions.

Just ground yourself.

Come and speak to the counsellors, come and speak to your peers.

Yeah?

-Yeah, sorry.

-You haven't got to apologise.

MUSIC PLAYS

'You are kicking Friday Night Kiss with me, Steve Smart,

'live across the UK.

'Big shout to Cassie in Essex on board tonight, loving the tunes...

'You know the person, we know the perfume.

'Time for Sounds Fantastic, so what's THIS sound?'

"Dear Heroin, Crack and Spice,

"just a letter to say I miss you very much.

"At the moment, my physical and mental health is suffering

"because I'm getting clean.

"I know it is going to be a long and difficult process,

"but I can't take much more of the life we have had together.

"For years, you have been a crutch to me, but you have caused me

"so much pain, anguish and suffering to me and my family

"that enough is enough. The chaos within my head is confusing,

"but I know that this goodbye is going to be painful and upsetting

"to you, but you can go and fuck your grandmother.

"They say love and hate is similar.

"I hate you for killing my mum and dad.

"I hate you for shaming myself and my family. For years, you have

"controlled my thinking and emotions, and I hardly knew myself.

"Now I'm fed up with the cycle of misery I have been caught up in

"that I am going to say my last goodbye. I think you are a cunt

"for the destruction you have caused to myself and my family.

"You will always be part of me, but I seek a new me,

"a new life where I can live happily without you.

"So goodbye to the old nasty ways that I lived,

"and I look on to a new start without the fuckery you have done."

-INTERVIEWER: Do they itch?

-Yeah.

Yeah, they itch, and they're sore, and they throb.

I have had these pains in my legs since this morning.

I went to the doctor's first thing this morning,

and the doctor had a poke around with a pin to see

if I could feel any feeling around the back and round the front.

And there is nothing, I can't feel anything, which is still a worry.

This one has got more feeling in it than that one,

but this one has had more of a battering

from, you know, digging pins in and whatnot.

-INTERVIEWER: Pins?

-Syringes.

Just years of...

of abuse in these legs. It's just...

So, years ago, years ago, when there was a drought and that,

there was a lot of cement in the heroin, and...

The madness of it is, you know, although you know that

there is something in the heroin...

..you are still going to poke it in you, because that is what...

That's the addiction.

That's the madness of it.

I was thinking that, if I lost this leg, I would get a prosthetic leg,

and I would just use this leg, you know?

That's how mad my thinking... That's how mad...

Madness took me.

I came here two weeks ago on 80 milligrammes of methadone.

It's a very rapid detox.

I still get that niggly thought in my head now that,

"I just want to go. I just want to go."

But I've got to fight this, you know?

I can be strong. You've got to be strong up here.

I have just got to tell myself, "Nope, if I end up going back home,

"I'm just going to end up back on the streets of Winchester,

"and doing the same old, same old, and end up back in prison.

"If not, I'll probably end up six foot under."

And I don't want that, I want a life for myself.

I want a life for my brothers and sisters.

'I come from a gypsy family.

'They don't like drugs or crime.

'I have blackened up my name in the Winchester area,

'and I've embarrassed them.'

We were smoking it at first.

My mum and dad would always smoke it on the foil.

And when me and my brother were 16, that's when we started injecting,

and the household was chaotic.

We would fight with my dad all the time.

He'd get jealous.

There would be fights, and my mum kicked us out.

We were out on the streets, and then we were just in the cycle of prison.

But me mum would always come and see us.

She used to always bring us some gear in.

So she was good stuff like that - she did look after us.

She kept the family together. My mum was the rock of the family.

And I remember one time that me and my brother set about my dad.

It was over gear, over money, and we were back at the house.

And we set about my dad, and my mum was in her dressing gown

in the kitchen.

It was early in the morning still, and she had just boiled the kettle.

And she came running in from the kitchen with the kettle in her hand,

and she went to launch it into my face, the hot water into my face.

But instead of it going over me, it went over her head,

and she just stood there, "Aah!" Like that.

And you know what? I thought, "Yeah, you deserve that, you bitch."

Because she was going to put that in my face, literally, you know?

There was times she chased us out with knives and everything.

I remember she stabbed my dad in the head and back on her hen night.

And she trod over him to go out on her hen night.

She was only five foot nothing, but she was a feisty little fucker.

I was best mates with my mum, though, you know?

But it was a stressful time, and when the whole house has got that

drug in it, and, you know, you go plucking, and you can't get hold of

any gear, you get jealousy -

my dad used to get jealous because we used to have it,

my mum used to give it to us, and he wanted more.

All that was going on, so it was just chaotic.

And I wondered why I would go fucking dim at times.

Yesterday, I packed my bags, I was ready to go back home to Winchester.

It was all I wanted to do, was just get a bag of gear, get some Spice,

and just use.

The medical team here persuaded me to stay for another 24 hours,

but I'm nearly there. I'm nearly there.

Only a couple more days and I'll be clean.

Two more days and I will be clean. That is what I've got to hold on to,

and that'll be the first time I've been clean since 2006.

So that's 10 years.

This is Craig's group.

Having written his life story, and reading it out to you,

it is now an opportunity for you guys to give him feedback on

what you see as his strengths, what you see as his blocks,

and how they could affect his recovery. So it is really important

-that you listen to any feedback and process it.

-Of course.

Self-pity, not sharing, irresponsibility, and defensiveness.

Craig always mentions he was brought up on a council estate,

and his parents were addicts several years ago,

as if that's what's tipped the scales for him being an addict.

Not sharing, don't think Craig shares his true feelings

and emotions, but always shares a story in groups and meetings.

You are pretty much a guy who started between the...

-Yeah, 10 and 14, yeah.

-OK, erm...

Sometimes it can come across that you have had a clean time.

And then it can be quite challenging.

You know what I mean?

If that makes sense. That is not in a critical way.

-No, no, I hear you.

-That is what you have learned from them.

-But you have not lived it.

-Of course.

You know what I mean? And sometimes...

I'm taking a risk here by saying it, because I don't want...

It's fine, don't worry, Steve.

Can I just interrupt for a second? Because that bit where you over-talk

and don't give people time to finish just happened.

So if you just...

Let Steve finish, I think the feedback will settle more.

OK.

That's just me being straight with you, you know what I mean?

And I think I spoke to you before about it, and it sort of...

Yeah, it's walking the walk... It's talking the talk,

but not walking the walk, you know what I mean?

Having my worst day since I've been in here.

Two questionnaires back from my mum and from my dad,

and my mum's is probably worse.

"I feel history repeating itself.

"I was told I could stop the cycle of addiction,

"and now watch my boy make the same mistakes as myself.

"Self-sabotage is a familiar route for Craig.

"I have lost my boy, and my boy is lost.

"Craig is a lovely-natured lad,

"who used to wear his heart on his sleeve. Have you seen my boy?

"I once remember trawling the streets of St Ann's for him

"after receiving a phone, saying,

" 'Can you come and get me, Mum, please? People are after me.'

"In a whisper, I searched everywhere - sheds, garages,

"empty buildings, expecting to find him dead.

"No mother should have to go through that.

"My head was full of thoughts - coffins,

"undertakers, funerals - and feelings were inconceivable."

It all hits home, all of it.

For me, now, to see my boy go down this road,

the same road I've gone down, knowing what's round the corner,

cos I've been round the corner...

Knowing, cos I've walked in his shoes,

and I've cried on them little beds

and beat my head against the wall and cursed the world.

And I can't do anything about it.

Even with all the knowledge that we've got,

all the insights we've got, all the awarenesses we've got from

our own treatment programme,

-you just can't bottle it and give it to them.

-No.

But he's in the best place now, isn't he?

And he's taking his own steps. And feeling his own way through this...

He's doing it for the right reasons,

-he's doing it because he wants to do it.

-Yes.

Craig at his nana's.

No doubt on a day where he'd got nothing to eat at home and

he'd gone for a bit of sanction.

We'd always send him up there, wouldn't we,

to go and get money, to blackmail his nana.

Emotionally blackmail his nana for us.

And if he didn't want to...

"Not again, I can't ask her again,"

we'd quite often get angry -

"Just get yourself gone," do you know what I mean?

-And force the situation upon him.

-Yeah.

But what he had at home wasn't really anything

to stay at home for, was it?

There was no electric and his meals were cooked on an open fire

that wasn't even coal-based,

it was pieces of 6x4 wood

being pushed into it as they burnt down...

Taking him to go score with us.

-Taking him...

-Shoplifting.

Shoplifting with us.

Police stations.

-He even went and got me drugs from the drug dealers for me.

-Yep.

And all through the sadness of that upbringing, the loneliness

and the isolation for them, I suppose, was you in and out of jail.

Um, quite often crimes that we committed were committed by

the pair of us, but you'd usually take the fall for them

so I could be at home with the kids and you served the time for it.

Since I was 14 and I first started taking drugs, until I was 58,

I had no breaks,

no concept of normality.

Didn't know what it was like to kiss my wife, clean.

Have a relationship with my wife, clean.

To see my children, clean.

For them to see me clean.

And yet I sit here today...

What's happened?

Why aren't I climbing through windows any more?

Why aren't I taking drugs any more?

Why am I caring, why am I loving?

Why am I compassionate?

Why? Because I found a solution,

and the solution for me is in

what I... The fellowship I'm in, or the programme I do.

I'm just thankful he's... I'm just thankful he's... He asked for help.

-And that's where it starts, isn't it? Asking for help.

-Yep.

When Craig finally came home, two weeks before he went into rehab...

he went back in his...

..little bedroom upstairs, and I'll show you the little room.

It's the only place that he found peace, the only place he found safe.

Fucking 'ell.

And the only place he called his own.

Yeah. Shoes under the bed,

his jacket still behind the door...

Yeah, his ring on his lighter.

My son's stuff.

-WHISPERS:

-Oh, yeah.

-Love you.

-Love you, too.

You know what you're doing this time.

Right.

I know. That's OK. Right, lovey?

-WHISPERS:

-Stop.

Sorry.

I'll give you a call in the next couple of days, all right?

-Whenever you're allowed, yeah.

-All right, then.

-Look after yourself, Mum.

-I will.

-Keep taking your medication.

Yeah, I will.

All medicine, anything from a chemist, pop it in the basket.

Because some of these I need, as well.

I have got medicine in my suitcase in my medicine box as well.

That's OK.

You OK?

So, what have you had today?

About six o'clock this morning, I did a 10-bag of heroin.

A 10 bag.

-£10 bag, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-So, September you were here, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

-How long were you here for?

-11 days.

OK.

-Glad you came back.

-Yeah, me too.

So, how have things been since you left here?

Um... When I left here...

Ended up in hospital.

Yes, I was pretty bad and I ended up on train tracks and...

Tried flying myself out of my fourth-floor window.

-I went on a big drug binge of crack and heroin.

-Mm.

And then I just felt like there was no point left.

My mum and dad had washed their hands of me,

my family didn't want to talk to me.

I'd fucked my own progress up here,

so I thought the only way forward was just to end my life.

And you're back with us for... 12 weeks, aren't you? That's good.

Yeah.

-So you're pleased to be back?

-Oh, God, yeah.

-You thought you'd burnt your bridges, I guess.

-Yeah.

Definitely.

-People give people second chances, you see.

-Yeah.

-It's good.

SEAGULLS CRY

These are our group therapy sessions. Every person present

should participate, as they are an important part

of the treatment programme.

I've been here for five weeks today. Um...

I've come in for my drug choice, which is cocaine and cannabis.

I've been using that since I was 16,

I just had my 30th birthday in here about a week ago.

I just can't stop using.

Just can't stop using, no matter what the reason is,

with my family, I just seem to put my drugs before anything.

I'm powerless to stop doing that...

VOICE FADES

I don't like this bit.

Cos when I was being discharged, I was kept...

Had to come out here for our fag,

I sat there with a few members of staff and I just don't like it.

What happened?

-How did I get discharged?

-Yes.

A friend of mine come to visit me and he brung me down

an eighth of heroin.

And I put it in my bra and took it upstairs back onto the unit and...

I got caught, but I handed it in, I didn't use it, but I broke

the rules, I put everyone at risk, obviously, because I took it in.

My God, I would do anything,

absolutely anything to take that back, it was a moment of madness.

OK, parents.

-Shall we go with Mum first?

-Yes.

-What's your relationship like with her?

-We're not that close any more,

-now.

-Right.

-After I failed in here last...

-Mm.

..she kind of washed her hands of it with me.

-Mm.

-But, um... We're on talking terms, but there's like...

..nothing there any more.

-Mm.

-So...

Yeah.

But she brought you up here,

supported you and come up here with you, so...

-Yeah.

-STRIMMER STARTS UP

What do you remember about secondary school?

I lasted three months at that school cos I overdosed on the property.

That's when the journey started. I've not been back at home with Mum.

Where did you go from the hospital?

-Psych unit.

-Mm-hm.

Care home after care home after care home after care home.

This was from, what, what age were you when this happened?

12 to...13.

Had you been diagnosed

with borderline personality disorder by this time?

-I got diagnosed with borderline at 18...

-18.

-..but it was on my paperwork from the age of 14.

-Right.

Oh, wow.

We're not going to MAKE you stay. We want you to see in your own head

that it's the right thing to do today.

I don't think it's the right thing, going out.

-Stay here, man.

-I think you should stay.

Your head's not there...

You decided to stay here, you was fresh for a few days,

you're coming off all your meds...

Yeah? You're going to be wobbly.

I understand the house is a bit disruptive, yeah, you're emotional.

You're like me.

But you show your emotions a bit more.

You don't need to go anywhere else, you're in the best place,

you're with great people who want to be with you, too.

Yeah?

And you're in the best place.

You ride through the storm and

then you can fuckin' dance in the next rain, do you know what I mean?

You're at the most critical stage right now, mate.

INDISTINCT

-You've broke through so many barriers.

-Come on, man.

You've done so well,

you've broke through loads of barriers to get where you are,

there's no point putting your own barriers back up, you know?

I just can't be here any more, son.

I just want to get out of here, and get back home.

You need to understand you're incredibly vulnerable.

And if you do use or drink,

you're not going to be able to take the quantities that you were.

If you go back home and you use something, you might die.

Yeah, my mum's dead, my dad's dead.

My family's fucked anyway, what about if I'm up there?

All the more reason for you to live.

Bring some positives to the world.

-Did they say they'd be 15 minutes?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-Only another five minutes to wait, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-It's still not too late.

-Huh?

-It's still not too late, mate.

I know, but I'm going.

Emily had told me she had at least ten personalities.

Staff are becoming concerned about her unpredictable behaviour.

If clients seem likely to break the rules,

they go through a warning process, and Emily was being closely watched.

Whilst we understand that self-harming has been

a coping mechanism for you in the past, Broadway Lodge

is a place of recovery

and involves change, not continued and repeated patterns of behaviour.

-Mm-hm.

-We acknowledge your right to make your own choices, but the

terms of this contract mean that should you decide to actively

self-harm, it will result in you going through the formal

warning process and MAY result in you being discharged from treatment.

So...the warning process again is a mechanism we use to try and

help people to change their behaviours,

so this is the first step in trying to help you change how you cope.

I know, but sometimes you just need to cut.

-You know?

-But so far, because you've been here, what, four, five days?

-No, that's bad.

-So far, you've done really well with it.

I can even see it now, I want to self-harm NOW,

because I feel so overwhelmed,

I can actually see myself sitting

there and just the skin opening

and just bleeding out.

I wipe it up and that's it, I go on about my day. I don't...

I don't get what the big deal is.

But we have to put things in place to care for you, Emily.

We can't just leave you to self-harm and not acknowledge it,

or not do something to help you.

Dennis, I'm not... I'm really not being horrible.

But I feel like...

That you are...

No. That... Oh, fucking hell.

Can't say it?

That you especially have no right to tell me about that contract.

Why is that, then?

Cos you're a bloke.

-Mm-hm.

-And it's like...

How dare you?

Oh, fucking hell, I don't even want to look at you.

I'm so sorry.

Whereas I feel this is a little bit of diversion tactics,

if I'm honest, Emily.

I'm not dismissing what you're saying, but...

OK, I'll sign it, I'll sign.

-Take a minute...

-No, it's OK. I'll sign it. It's all right.

-I've got a pen.

-Ta.

-CRYING:

-Yeah, but even if I do this, Mum,

I don't want to go home on my own.

-Emily, it's tea-time.

-OK.

Need to be off the phone.

-WOMAN:

-For God's sake.

It's like a bunch of children, like a school ground.

You'd better hurry up, cos Marcus is on his way in to talk to

everyone in the lecture room.

Rumours have been spreading for weeks about how Craig

was getting too close to some of the women in the house.

One night, there was a row about love letters being passed around,

and some people were threatening to leave.

I hear that it's chaos in this house.

Can somebody tell me why?

Craig, what have you got to say?

Why did you put your treatment in jeopardy?

And other people's treatment in jeopardy?

We saw your facade, talking the talk,

as if you're doing well.

You show that to somebody, and you show that, and you...

..make it look like you're interested in them. OK?

And then somebody else comes in, and you move on to somebody else.

And this is all without a drug inside you.

You're doing this clean.

Hayley.

What have you got to say?

INDISTINCT

You can leave now.

But I will be seeing you tomorrow.

HAYLEY:

I said you can leave. I'll see you tomorrow.

And how does that make you feel?

Cos I get a sense he's been over-friendly with you.

He hasn't really tried it on as such. But...

He is very over... Very friendly.

Your attitudes and behaviours

have affected a lot of vulnerable women

in the house.

What I want you to do

is to put in your own boundaries.

And mix with the men in the treatment centre.

I'll do that.

-OK?

-I will do that.

-Cos you're trying to get your needs met from women.

-I know.

And you need to be getting your needs met from yourself.

And on some...

And you're going round in circles,

and we won't get anywhere because, really, you're deflecting.

If you start to sit with yourself,

the feelings will come up, and we will manage them, OK?

-OK.

-And it will help you.

-OK.

And I know that you're vulnerable, as well. Everybody's vulnerable.

It's about you working on your stuff, OK?

And us being here to support you through it.

OK.

Your feelings, where have you gotten to now?

-Sad.

-Yeah.

And I think that's it.

That's what you have been trying to get away from, that sadness.

And when we deflect and bounce off of other people,

we don't get to what's really going on for us.

And that's what you're here for.

To get to you, really. And to be able to manage your feelings.

-OK?

-OK.

-OK?

-OK.

Thank you very much, everyone, for your honesty.

Thank you.

Yeah, thanks.

The group smashed me to pieces

They just tear me apart

All their words hit home

They hurt my confused heart

I feel the pain, I feel the hurt

It totally rips me apart

I feel abandoned by the group

It wasn't like this at the start

Rejection issues I'm isolating alone in the dark

Why do I feel the way I do?

Please, power, show me the spark

I know you're here, I feel you there

Please make it stop

This feeling of anticipation

and waiting for the drop.

I just feel like I'm being picked on, as sad as it sounds.

And I have learnt a lot, and I feel like...

..like I could go. I feel like I could just go home.

Use my mum and dad, as recovering addicts,

as if they were my peers here.

Talk to them on a deeper level

about stuff I've never spoken to them about.

And I feel like going through NA, AA, whatever it is, working

the 12-steps programme, continue doing what I'm doing here...

I feel like I could get that at home.

INTERVIEWER: What would you talk to your parents about?

My past. My past and what I've learnt.

How I feel about it.

Things I need to talk to them about that I've not spoken to them about.

It's why I am who I am.

I don't even know who I am.

This place is not healthy.

It's not healthy.

Cos just... Yeah.

It's not. Like I said the other day, it's driving me underground already.

It's going underground already.

And the last two days that's happened

has been me disconnecting completely.

I've shut down.

So because of these pathetic little contracts that people...

I don't see the point in them.

What's the point in giving someone a contract

within a day of coming in here, for them to just shut down?

Of course they're going to do that!

There's no trust there. There's no nothing.

There is a contract handed to me, I could not do anything about that.

I have an addiction to cutting myself,

like I've got other addictions.

I had to come in rehab to get...

Because of my addiction to heroin.

So where's the rehab around my addiction to cutting myself?

There isn't, I just don't have to do it.

Therefore it goes underground.

And then we get done for keeping secrets and all that lot. So I...

And all this other shit that's... I'm keeping my mouth shut.

And my feelings have switched off.

I can't be fucked with it.

INTERVIEWER: What would help, then?

Having a fucking bit of gear.

I'm not going to last in here.

I think you're stronger than what you think.

Well, I don't care what you think.

Shall we go down and show you where the art stuff is?

How do you feel?

I feel quite calm.

I feel quite pleased, as well,

that you were able to just let off...

That's about it, really.

Do I not scare you?

No. No.

Well, I wanted to.

I know.

MUSIC: Jingles Bells played on piano

There used to be a big saying in treatment,

and I'm certainly somebody that it applies to.

My attitude was wrong.

And I was told on several occasions,

"Go away and come back if and when you are ever ready."

"But don't come back until you are ready,

"because you're just wasting our time.

"You're wasting your time,

"our time and everybody else's around you time."

I know people out there

that would give their right arm to be sat in these chairs.

I was on the phone last night to somebody,

an active addictionist in Bristol.

Crying her eyes out,

"They're desperate to get help, they're desperate."

There's people in here

that don't seem to have the right attitude and the right behaviours.

And I'm going to be straight with you,

we're going to cull it, because it's not fair on the people

that have got the right attitudes or behaviours.

So I'm inviting each and every one of you

to start to take personal responsibility,

because the way the team are feeling at the minute with this community,

we are going to have to take some of the bad apples out the barrel.

There's plenty of people out there who would be desperate

to walk in here and get some help.

INDISTINCT VOICES

Oh, for fuck's sake. Shut up.

VOICES CONTINUE

Are you hiding your face?

Show me your face.

Come on. Give me a peek-a-boo.

SHE SNIFFS

INTERVIEWER: How many days have you been drug-free?

Two.

No methadone for two days.

No heroin for 14 days.

No Valium for... I think about a week, now.

What do you see when you look outside?

I'm not really looking, I'm just staring.

I can see what's in my mind.

TAP RUNS

-Jo?

-Yeah?

-You all right?

JO LAUGHS

-You all right?

-Yes.

-You got a cold?

-Yes, a stinker.

-You feeling a bit better now?

-Yeah.

-Isn't it weird, these mood swings?

-Yeah.

Really weird.

I went from one extreme to the next, I feel really calm, now.

Yeah, you look better.

INDISTINCT VOICES

Will you speak to my mum?

You need to speak to her.

Yeah, I know!

I'm not fucking stupid.

SHE TAPS TABLE

I hope I'm not the only cunt that's being discharged over this.

Absolutely not.

All three of you.

SHE SIGHS

Do you want to come up to the office with me and phone the care manager?

She's been involved with two other patients

that passed medication to each other.

Emily's taken some of that medication, as well.

And under Broadway Lodge rules, that's an automatic discharge

because we just can't have people taking other people's medication.

OK.

So this is the half a zopiclone?

I didn't take it.

Emily's sat in my office right next to me now, and she's pulled out

half a tablet that she was supposed to be taking, and given it to me.

That's not going to make any difference,

she's still going to be discharged.

Yeah.

So, where are you going to go back to?

-Eventually?

-My place.

-Your place, in Milton Keynes?

-Yeah.

OK.

Have you got enough money to buy food and stuff like that

for yourself this evening?

Yeah.

SHE CRIES

Hello. This is Broadway Lodge. Can I have a taxi...?

-Where are you going?

-Back home.

I'm one of the cunts in the station van.

Yeah, I'm going there.

Look at your hair!

Selfishness.

Dishonesty.

And my prayers.

And my resentments.

Bit of intolerance.

Envy, comparing.

Mm.

INTERVIEWER: Does that taste like the best chocolate you've ever had?

It sure does taste like the best chocolate I've ever had.

Clean chocolate.

Chocolate free...

It's lovely up here.

Peaceful. I feel at peace now.

Every minute of every day

The burning desire subsides away

As I walk a new life into the unknown

I now have hope and faith to carry me home

I felt as though I was approaching my hour to depart

My extinction could have been the end

But I can tell this is the start.

APPLAUSE

Out of the nether world into the blue

I thought it was the ending

But realise I am new

I've got so much closure and a new quality to give

I feel the energy I feel I have purpose to live.

Yeah.