Rehab: Addicted Lives


Rehab: Addicted Lives

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Transcript


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This programme contains scenes which some viewers may find upsetting

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and very strong language.

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We're going to meet a 21-year-old homeless girl

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using crack and heroin.

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I arranged to meet her yesterday, cos I've got no means of

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contacting her cos she's got no phone, she's got absolutely nothing.

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I've got two bags of clean clothes in the car.

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I just met her on the street - she asked me for £2, and I kind of said,

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"I'll give you £2

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"if you sit down for 20 minutes and have something to eat."

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I said, "There's a possibility that I could have you somewhere safe

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"where you could come off of all the drugs that you're using,

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"if you want that,"

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and she said she wanted to stop doing what she's doing

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but she can't see no light at the end of the tunnel.

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But I said I would meet her here at 6.30. It's 12 minutes past 6 now.

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I kind of know what it's like when people give up on you,

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when society gives up on you. I kind of know how that feels.

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And like I said earlier, when...

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INTERVIEWER: How does it feel?

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It feels like... It feels like you're the scum of the Earth.

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I already thought that I was a piece of shit, anyway, you know?

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I never thought that I would ever get a day clean.

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I was kind of resigned to the fact that I'd die

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either from a bullet or a blade or in an institution.

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I kind of accepted that... really accepted that,

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and I never thought that I would ever stop using.

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I never thought that I would ever be employed.

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But there's a way out of this shit. There's a way out.

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You know, there's a way out. And I'm 11 years in to the way out.

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And God willing, I'll continue to go for another 11 years.

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But all I've got to get through is today, and I've got another

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five and a bit hours and I've got another day under my belt.

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Don't look like she's going to come.

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-Will you come back tomorrow?

-Yeah, I'll come into town tomorrow.

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-And the day after?

-Yeah.

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-The day after that?

-Yeah.

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Big John first came to Somerset 11 years ago to beat his addictions.

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He's now a support worker

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at the only rehab that was prepared to treat him.

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There she is.

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HOOTS HORN

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-Where are you going?

-Um, I'm just...

-To score?

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No, I'm going to have a smoke quickly,

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-and then if you can be there at one o'clock.

-Are you going to come...

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-This is Phil.

-Is he filming now?

-Yeah.

-Oh.

-I think so.

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-You going to come to Coco Browns?

-Yeah, yeah.

-At one o'clock?

-Yeah.

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When was the last time you slept in a bed, apart from a punter's?

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-Well, ages ago.

-OK.

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Long time.

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-You ever done anything like this before?

-Um, like what?

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Go to rehab?

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No. No, I haven't. Um...

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I've never even really got engaged with any of the, like,

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addiction support agencies or anything, really.

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I was on a script for a bit, but I couldn't...

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I couldn't stick to the meetings or anything, you know? Um... Yeah.

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Did you ever think of yourself injecting yourself with drugs?

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-Cos when I was smoking heroin...

-Yeah. No, I...

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-..I said I would never inject heroin.

-That's the same.

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I always said... I hated needles, I had a phobia of needles,

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I hated them, do you know what I mean? I never, ever thought

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I'd inject...turn to injecting - and I did, didn't I?

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And it got to the point where I actually had a needle fetish,

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like, I liked stabbing myself, gave me some sort of satisfaction,

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do you know what I mean?

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Yeah.

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And do you know what, as well - I've only been injecting a year,

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yeah, and I've already gone in my groin, and that, like,

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that's normally something that happens years and years down

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the line, but my veins, I've smashed them so much already, like,

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they give up already, do you know what I mean?

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SIREN

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-What did you want to be when you was growing up?

-Um...

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Do you know what, I never really knew.

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I was always a bit confused,

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but I can remember when I was in little school, yeah,

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I think probably about year 5 - no, probably year 6, I think, juniors -

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and I remember the headmaster was coming to the classroom

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and he was asking us all what we all wanted to be,

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and I said I wanted to be a glamour model, and I was only, like,

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ten or whatever, and that's what I said, do you know what I mean?

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And I used to say things like I wanted to be a footballer's wife

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or I wanted to marry an old man and have all his money when he died.

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-I used to say things like that. That's what I wanted to be.

-Yeah.

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-But I never wanted to be a heroin addict.

-Ah.

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-That was last on the list, wasn't it?

-Yeah, definitely.

-Same here.

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-But you know what...?

-Or a prostitute.

-Yeah.

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Never wanted to be that.

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But you know what? If you get this opportunity and you take it

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and you do well, you can be anything you want to be.

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-Yeah.

-You know?

-Yeah.

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DOOR CREAKS

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Broadway Lodge is a privately-run residential rehab for addiction.

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It's staffed by specialist nurses and counsellors,

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some of whom are former patients.

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For the last 15 years, I've been waiting for this day.

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There are 43 beds here and strict rules apply.

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No drugs, no alcohol, no inappropriate relationships.

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I haven't got my glasses on so I can't actually see if this

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-has got alcohol in it or not. Can you have a look?

-Let's have a look.

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-I can't see.

-Does it usually say "alcohol-free?"

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Yeah, it should say "alcohol-free" on the front or it should say

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"contains alcohol" on the back.

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-Oh, it's alcohol-free. You can keep that one.

-Brilliant.

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It has 24-hour detox facilities

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where some spend weeks coming off their drugs.

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Clients must work through a 12-step programme,

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which requires them to admit they are powerless over their

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addictions and openly discuss the consequences of them.

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Everyone goes through a process of intensive therapy

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and written self-examination.

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Daddy's a bit better, yeah, but he's still getting his teeth fixed.

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But I'll see you Sunday.

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Yeah. You'll have your daddy back soon.

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Yeah, a proper one what you deserve.

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APPLAUSE

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A client's funding is determined by where they live,

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not the severity of their issues.

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Some get up to 12 weeks' funding, others as little as 7 days.

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After her assessment, Bea was deemed not yet ready for treatment.

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I never saw her again.

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-Are you going to be OK?

-Yeah.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

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-See you later.

-Bye.

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-Want me to take it?

-OK.

-OK.

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-Thanks.

-OK.

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The start. Everything starts somewhere, don't it?

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-It sure does.

-Yeah.

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You will.

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-See you soon, OK?

-I'll give you a bell, anyway, all right, Dad?

-Yeah.

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-Can I finish my coffee and then go? Is that all right?

-Course you can!

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I'll ring a cab from here

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-and then I can go.

-Absolutely.

-Is that all right? Thank you very much.

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Have you been through treatment before?

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I didn't stop taking drugs until I was 58.

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I'm...69 now.

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Yeah.

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I took drugs from 14 onwards.

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Um...

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And it took me where it took me.

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Craig's my son.

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He lived through that.

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I... I don't do it any more.

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Ten years clean now, and I ain't doing that on my own.

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I did mine through a...through a 12-step programme.

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I work a 12-step programme.

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His mother's in the fellowship, I'm in the fellowship,

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his brother's in the fellowship

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and now Craig is going to start the journey of recovering.

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Behind each step, there is a spiritual principle,

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and a spiritual principle is a fundamental truth,

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an origin from which positive change can occur.

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Once you start working these steps,

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and these steps become psychologically embedded in you,

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learning to be honest from people who have become dishonest

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through denial - you deny your addiction,

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you deny how bad it is - things start to get better.

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You're not in recovery at the moment - you're in treatment.

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You do what we say when we say it.

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You go to meetings when we tell you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

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Recovery starts when you leave here and you go through the gate

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and you make the decisions all yourself.

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Right, you be a good boy for your mum, please, um, and just,

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like I say, if you're thinking of me and you get upset just read that

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letter and just know that it's not

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going to be as long as you think, all right?

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I'm going to go now cos my pennies have gone. I love you!

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Bye!

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Yes!

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-Yes!

-What?

-I'm so happy.

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Just spoke to my little boy and I'm dead happy to hear his voice,

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just...so much lifted off my shoulders by speaking to him.

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I'm just over the moon. I can't explain how happy I am.

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I am so, so happy how. It's just made my night.

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I've got my little things here, which is my little boy and me,

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I've got my picture over there that I kiss every night. He's my world.

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Without him, I don't think I'd be in here.

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Um...and I came in here for myself so we can have

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a better life together, and it's working so far,

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it really is working doing the therapies and the counselling,

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and, um, I'm freeing myself of my demons, so to speak.

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The members of this group all share the same problems -

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alcohol and chemical dependency,

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eating disorders and other compulsive behaviours.

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By confirming to others our problems and feelings,

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we find we are not alone.

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Through self-disclosure and open discussion our various

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defence mechanisms are recognised and resolved and we find

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a logical approach to our problems.

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These are our group therapy sessions.

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Every person should participate as they're an important part

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of the treatment programme. A common concern of the group

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is that each of us help the other become a well person.

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My name's Nessa. I'm an addict.

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My name's Craig and I'm an addict.

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Drugs have took me to insanity.

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Drugs were my best friend, but they didn't act like a best friend.

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They sure didn't. I don't know what I saw in them.

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They saw something in me and wanted to keep coming back

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and I just bowed down to them.

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Thanks, Mum, that's nice to hear. Yeah, it's nice to hear. Um...

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And it's lovely to speak to you. Is Dad there? Am I on loudspeaker?

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'Each day, I'm getting a bit of me back that I've lost.

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'Mum and Dad can hear it in my voice.

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'I can see it physically in me.'

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I think there's an underlying problem

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that I'm still to uncover,

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whether it's childhood, whether it's depression...

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It's childhood, it's foster care, six years away from parents.

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Broken family.

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I was took into care at the age of nine

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for six, seven years with my little sister.

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My foster mum and dad, they taught me manners,

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they taught me a lot.

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They were all there for me,

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they gave me everything I needed

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when I came in that desperate place of no family.

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INTERVIEWER: Is it easy to accept your mum and dad

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back into your life?

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Hm... Um... Yeah, it was...

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I'd like to say it was, yeah.

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I don't have no resentment.

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All I wanted was what I never had, um...which was my family.

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INTERVIEWER: What do you want to do when you get out of here?

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HE LAUGHS

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I feel like there's a life I'm meant to live,

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and it's not a complicated life.

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So, simple things.

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Be a brother.

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Maybe one day be a dad.

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Help people.

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See the fields and listen to the wind.

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Write poetry.

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Listen to music, play music.

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Dance shamelessly, which is not something I am currently capable of!

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Um...

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And just enjoy being alive.

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Simple things, really, that I've not been able to do just yet.

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INTERVIEWER: That's the photo from your passport?

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Yeah, the emergency passport I needed to get out of Indonesia.

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I actually begged for 4 from a guy in the Embassy hall

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so I could go to get the photo taken.

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The passport was paid for by a really good friend of mine's mum,

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who I called in the middle of the night, crying,

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trying to get home,

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and then I got told by the Embassy lady that I would need...

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I think it was 4 or 5, the equivalent of, Australian money.

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And I had no money, and so I kind of begged this Scottish guy.

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I was so desperate.

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I just said, "Please, I just need 5."

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And it was just a horrible feeling, having to ask.

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And he gave... I think he gave me about 20,

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which gave me the petrol to put back in the bike

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to get back to where I was...

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To the AA meetings.

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But, yeah, that was the photo that was taken.

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That was the week before I got into Broadway.

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And I thought I was well.

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HE PLAYS PIANO

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Before coming in here, I've never trusted anybody.

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And now, I trust my counsellor.

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INTERVIEWER: You've gone through your whole life

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without trusting anyone?

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No, I don't know how to trust.

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Trust is...

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..dangerous.

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Trust is what will lead me to get hurt.

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Trust is what will...

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You trust me, and the evidence would suggest

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that you're going to get hurt.

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That's what the evidence would say. That's what my mind tells me.

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So, it's a risk.

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I have to force myself to trust all the time.

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You know, even right now, trusting you is...

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You don't know me, I don't know you,

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and my mind is going, "You don't know this guy.

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"Why would you bare your soul to this guy?

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"What good is it doing?" But for me, it's an important practice now,

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for me to trust all the time.

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Just trust, trust, trust, trust, trust,

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and trust that I won't get hurt or abandoned,

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like I was when I was a kid,

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or trust I won't hurt you, like I've hurt my wife...

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..or I've hurt my brother or my sisters or my friends,

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and trust that, actually, it's going to be OK.

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Some people, when you ask them what their primary drug is,

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or what their drug of choice is,

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they'll say, "Oh, it's crack, it's heroin."

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Mine was "more", and a lot of people will say that - "more".

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Of anything, anything.

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That meant pills, puff, crack, heroin...

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I remember I was...I was...

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I was 38 years of age

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and I was sitting in a crack house in Hackney,

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waiting for the dealer to reload,

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and there was a tin of gas on the table in this crack house,

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and I started sniffing the gas, man.

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And the people around me, they couldn't believe it.

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Anything to change the way that I felt.

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Yeah, I have damaged the receptors in my brain.

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I've had 12 sessions of electric shock treatment.

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I've done offending behaviour courses.

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I've done anger management courses.

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And none of it worked.

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And then I went to Broadway, 5th December 2005.

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And, um...

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I knew that I had to change.

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And, for me, you know,

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it's about the relationships that I have with my family.

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My sisters didn't talk to me for many years

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and now I've got a relationship with my sisters.

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A relationship that I've got with my father, with my mother,

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my daughter.

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Now I've got a granddaughter, now, you know?

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And when she was three hours up - three hours old - when she was born,

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she was three hours old and I held her in my arms

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and she was tiny.

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She only took up a little bit of my arm.

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And I kind of looked at her and I made a vow

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that she'd never see me out of my nut.

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She'd never see me out of my nut

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and she will never visit me in an institution,

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as long as I keep doing what I'm doing.

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And I couldn't do that for my daughter.

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My daughter was dragged to every prison in this country

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and secure units and...

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Yeah. But, yeah, with my granddaughter,

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it's going to be a different ball game.

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Totally different.

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They'll give you some medication. They'll look after you.

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They'll make you feel better

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and they'll continue that throughout the night.

0:22:520:22:54

They'll come in your room and wake you up

0:22:540:22:55

and make sure that you've got meds.

0:22:550:22:57

They'll look after you.

0:22:570:22:59

Like I said earlier, you're in a safe place.

0:23:000:23:02

You're all right.

0:23:020:23:04

Blow into that, and then it'll...beep and make a clunk.

0:23:110:23:14

-HE EXHALES, BEEPING

-That's it. Fantastic.

0:23:140:23:17

Just to see how much of it is left in your system, OK?

0:23:170:23:20

I should loosen up a bit. If you're feeling a bit sick...

0:23:230:23:27

Take your coat...

0:23:270:23:29

Can I shut that window?

0:23:290:23:31

Blimey.

0:23:310:23:32

-You don't want the window open?

-No.

-Let a bit of air in?

-No.

0:23:350:23:39

-I'm too cold.

-Cold, are you?

0:23:390:23:41

-Yeah.

-OK.

0:23:410:23:43

-WHISPERS:

-Oh, dear.

0:23:460:23:48

What have I done to myself?

0:23:490:23:51

I've been incredibly selfish

0:23:590:24:01

and I've manipulated a lot of people to serve my needs,

0:24:010:24:05

to drink alcohol, uninterrupted.

0:24:050:24:08

I thought if I stopped drinking alcohol,

0:24:100:24:12

everything would be fantastic,

0:24:120:24:14

but it wasn't - it was actually worse,

0:24:140:24:15

cos I became more aware of...

0:24:150:24:17

..of what happens when I don't face that pain that I have inside.

0:24:180:24:23

So, regardless of whether I drink again or not,

0:24:250:24:28

it's...it's about me facing that side of myself

0:24:280:24:33

I don't want to face.

0:24:330:24:35

And I can't do it alone, you know?

0:24:350:24:37

I used to want to face that stuff alone.

0:24:370:24:39

But I need other people, I need counsellors,

0:24:390:24:41

friends, relationships.

0:24:410:24:43

Cos God forbid I...

0:24:470:24:50

God forbid I meet someone as beautiful and...

0:24:500:24:52

..and amazing as my wife,

0:24:550:24:58

soon-to-be ex-wife,

0:24:580:25:00

and I do that again.

0:25:000:25:01

I can't do that again.

0:25:030:25:05

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:150:25:17

I don't know how long I'm going to be sober for.

0:25:350:25:38

That's the nature of my disease.

0:25:380:25:41

It means I have to be incredibly grateful for today.

0:25:430:25:48

I don't even know if I'm going to be sober till the end of the day.

0:25:480:25:51

Something could... A phone call that I'm not expecting.

0:25:510:25:55

It really does force you to live presently, this illness.

0:25:550:25:58

Come on, you've got him on the ropes!

0:26:220:26:24

In!

0:26:270:26:28

-Amazing volley, Craig.

-The champ. The reigning champion!

0:26:300:26:33

SHE LAUGHS

0:26:330:26:35

The reason why I asked you to do this assignment work

0:26:350:26:38

specifically around your son

0:26:380:26:39

and around the consequences of your using,

0:26:390:26:42

it's part of the 12-step programme to look at

0:26:420:26:45

the consequences, to really own and say,

0:26:450:26:47

"This is what happens when I use."

0:26:470:26:49

"You're only young, and I know you won't understand,

0:26:560:26:59

"but I feel I should be honest with you before I can move forward.

0:26:590:27:03

"You see Daddy looking around his flat...

0:27:050:27:09

"..for things that I think have been moved.

0:27:100:27:13

"You hear Daddy saying, 'I think someone has my keys.'

0:27:130:27:17

"When really, it's just Dad being silly and stupid,

0:27:170:27:20

"because I live for taking drugs.

0:27:200:27:24

"I've been so paranoid and strange, it hurts me to say.

0:27:240:27:28

"Also, nipping in and out all the time to cars,

0:27:300:27:34

"whether selling or buying drugs,

0:27:340:27:36

"asking you to wait at the door,

0:27:360:27:39

"when really, you just want to come with me.

0:27:390:27:41

"Mobile phone's always in my hand,

0:27:420:27:45

"because I want to score, or because I've got a customer.

0:27:450:27:50

"And my big fags - they're drugs, Tee-Jay.

0:27:500:27:54

"It kills me to say it, but I'm a loser because of this.

0:27:560:28:00

"I don't want you to be like me

0:28:000:28:03

"nor have any of my addiction traits

0:28:030:28:06

"to affect your life.

0:28:060:28:08

"And I'm sorry for always being on my phone

0:28:080:28:11

"when we should have been spending quality time together.

0:28:110:28:15

"But I'm going to change my ways, and do what Grandad does, which...

0:28:150:28:22

"In meetings, he's been the dad I've never been.

0:28:220:28:25

"So, so upset, my little man.

0:28:260:28:28

"I love you so, so much. Love, Daddy."

0:28:280:28:30

Very powerful and very honest.

0:28:320:28:34

It is, and I'm sorry.

0:28:340:28:36

BACKGROUND CONVERSATION

0:29:000:29:02

I have to write about step one on manageability and consequences.

0:29:090:29:15

Just thinking about...

0:29:170:29:18

I'm writing about when...

0:29:180:29:20

..uh, I used to be a working girl.

0:29:220:29:25

I went onto a street one night, um...

0:29:250:29:28

Got some money, ended up going back to my boyfriend's house, uh...

0:29:310:29:36

At the time, his mum used to use with him.

0:29:360:29:40

We were all sat there using,

0:29:400:29:42

I remember looking, thinking, "Do you know what?

0:29:420:29:44

"I'd never use in front of my son, ever."

0:29:440:29:47

Not in front of him. I've done it behind...

0:29:470:29:49

You know, like, with the door shut, and things like that,

0:29:490:29:51

but I've never done it in front of him.

0:29:510:29:54

Um...

0:29:540:29:56

And, yeah, basically, he just...

0:29:560:29:59

Before I came in treatment, he kept coming round,

0:29:590:30:01

and kept coming round, and he just wouldn't go.

0:30:010:30:04

Erm...

0:30:040:30:06

And I ended up just smoking crack in front of him.

0:30:060:30:10

And...

0:30:100:30:11

Ended up in a big argument... He called me a crackhead.

0:30:120:30:15

Not a good place, really.

0:30:180:30:19

SHE SIGHS

0:30:220:30:24

Finding it tough in here?

0:30:460:30:47

Very.

0:30:480:30:50

Yeah, very tough.

0:30:500:30:51

Very emotional.

0:30:520:30:53

Just all different feelings all over my head.

0:30:560:30:59

My head is in a whirl.

0:31:010:31:03

I'm really struggling.

0:31:030:31:06

I wanted to leave earlier.

0:31:060:31:07

Bad.

0:31:090:31:10

But I know I've got to stay here, and I know I've got to do this.

0:31:170:31:20

Because if I don't, there's no other option, I'll just cruise.

0:31:200:31:24

I have just got to keep doing this stuff.

0:31:290:31:30

Sometimes I think, "What's the point?

0:31:300:31:32

"Why are you making me do this?

0:31:320:31:34

"Why are you making me write all this stuff?"

0:31:340:31:36

But when you write it, you get to that shit place.

0:31:400:31:45

It kind of lifts after you've done it. You write it, and you feel shit,

0:31:460:31:50

and you sit with it for a little bit, and then...

0:31:500:31:53

it just lifts. It just... I don't know.

0:31:530:31:56

It's like you have just got it out and...

0:31:560:31:58

..and forgiven yourself a little bit for it.

0:32:000:32:02

And then it comes back.

0:32:040:32:06

It's not going to go in one day, is it? Or two weeks, but I'm kind of...

0:32:060:32:12

Kind of coping with it, I think.

0:32:130:32:15

Well, I've not gone anywhere.

0:32:170:32:18

One of the first things you learn about rehab

0:32:260:32:28

is how brief your encounters can be.

0:32:280:32:31

People leave daily.

0:32:310:32:33

There could be problems at home, the stress of living with other addicts,

0:32:330:32:37

or simply the pain of withdrawing.

0:32:370:32:38

Timmy's detox was complicated.

0:32:420:32:44

As well as his opiate addictions, he was hooked on Spice,

0:32:440:32:47

and had come here straight from prison.

0:32:470:32:50

He was permanently on the edge of leaving.

0:32:500:32:52

I've been through a really rough time.

0:33:160:33:20

And I've tormented myself.

0:33:200:33:23

Last year, some...

0:33:230:33:24

They spread horrible rumours, and it was just horrible. Horrible.

0:33:260:33:32

Sounds like a difficult time.

0:33:320:33:34

I'm scared of failing, as well.

0:33:380:33:40

Because last time, when it got too much for me,

0:33:410:33:43

I walked out of rehab after a week.

0:33:430:33:45

So, what can you do this time?

0:33:470:33:49

Well, I've opened up.

0:33:490:33:51

-That's good.

-I think I've exposed myself.

0:33:510:33:54

-I feel vulnerable.

-OK. And that's OK, Tim.

0:33:540:33:56

In the group, in the group, express that.

0:34:000:34:03

Tell people where you are, how you're feeling, and

0:34:030:34:05

you will be surprised at how many people will feel something similar.

0:34:050:34:09

Well, when people are all right with me, I felt all right this morning.

0:34:090:34:13

I don't know if it's my mental health - one minute,

0:34:130:34:16

I'm all right, and then I get down, I don't know where I am.

0:34:160:34:19

It's all fucking... It's all over the place.

0:34:190:34:23

-Do you see what I'm saying?

-Ground yourself today.

0:34:230:34:25

Ground yourself today, don't make any rash decisions.

0:34:250:34:28

Just ground yourself.

0:34:280:34:29

Come and speak to the counsellors, come and speak to your peers.

0:34:290:34:32

Yeah?

0:34:320:34:34

-Yeah, sorry.

-You haven't got to apologise.

0:34:360:34:38

MUSIC PLAYS

0:34:410:34:45

'You are kicking Friday Night Kiss with me, Steve Smart,

0:34:480:34:50

'live across the UK.

0:34:500:34:52

'Big shout to Cassie in Essex on board tonight, loving the tunes...

0:34:520:34:56

'You know the person, we know the perfume.

0:34:560:34:59

'Time for Sounds Fantastic, so what's THIS sound?'

0:34:590:35:03

"Dear Heroin, Crack and Spice,

0:35:130:35:15

"just a letter to say I miss you very much.

0:35:150:35:19

"At the moment, my physical and mental health is suffering

0:35:190:35:21

"because I'm getting clean.

0:35:210:35:24

"I know it is going to be a long and difficult process,

0:35:240:35:27

"but I can't take much more of the life we have had together.

0:35:270:35:30

"For years, you have been a crutch to me, but you have caused me

0:35:300:35:33

"so much pain, anguish and suffering to me and my family

0:35:330:35:37

"that enough is enough. The chaos within my head is confusing,

0:35:370:35:41

"but I know that this goodbye is going to be painful and upsetting

0:35:410:35:45

"to you, but you can go and fuck your grandmother.

0:35:450:35:48

"They say love and hate is similar.

0:35:480:35:50

"I hate you for killing my mum and dad.

0:35:500:35:52

"I hate you for shaming myself and my family. For years, you have

0:35:520:35:56

"controlled my thinking and emotions, and I hardly knew myself.

0:35:560:36:00

"Now I'm fed up with the cycle of misery I have been caught up in

0:36:000:36:03

"that I am going to say my last goodbye. I think you are a cunt

0:36:030:36:06

"for the destruction you have caused to myself and my family.

0:36:060:36:10

"You will always be part of me, but I seek a new me,

0:36:100:36:13

"a new life where I can live happily without you.

0:36:130:36:17

"So goodbye to the old nasty ways that I lived,

0:36:170:36:19

"and I look on to a new start without the fuckery you have done."

0:36:190:36:22

-INTERVIEWER: Do they itch?

-Yeah.

0:36:290:36:32

Yeah, they itch, and they're sore, and they throb.

0:36:340:36:36

I have had these pains in my legs since this morning.

0:36:460:36:49

I went to the doctor's first thing this morning,

0:36:500:36:54

and the doctor had a poke around with a pin to see

0:36:540:36:57

if I could feel any feeling around the back and round the front.

0:36:570:37:02

And there is nothing, I can't feel anything, which is still a worry.

0:37:030:37:07

This one has got more feeling in it than that one,

0:37:070:37:10

but this one has had more of a battering

0:37:100:37:13

from, you know, digging pins in and whatnot.

0:37:130:37:16

-INTERVIEWER: Pins?

-Syringes.

0:37:160:37:18

Just years of...

0:37:190:37:22

of abuse in these legs. It's just...

0:37:220:37:25

So, years ago, years ago, when there was a drought and that,

0:37:270:37:30

there was a lot of cement in the heroin, and...

0:37:300:37:35

The madness of it is, you know, although you know that

0:37:370:37:40

there is something in the heroin...

0:37:400:37:41

..you are still going to poke it in you, because that is what...

0:37:430:37:46

That's the addiction.

0:37:460:37:48

That's the madness of it.

0:37:480:37:50

I was thinking that, if I lost this leg, I would get a prosthetic leg,

0:37:560:38:01

and I would just use this leg, you know?

0:38:010:38:02

That's how mad my thinking... That's how mad...

0:38:040:38:08

Madness took me.

0:38:080:38:09

I came here two weeks ago on 80 milligrammes of methadone.

0:38:240:38:27

It's a very rapid detox.

0:38:270:38:30

I still get that niggly thought in my head now that,

0:38:300:38:32

"I just want to go. I just want to go."

0:38:320:38:35

But I've got to fight this, you know?

0:38:350:38:38

I can be strong. You've got to be strong up here.

0:38:380:38:41

I have just got to tell myself, "Nope, if I end up going back home,

0:38:410:38:45

"I'm just going to end up back on the streets of Winchester,

0:38:450:38:48

"and doing the same old, same old, and end up back in prison.

0:38:480:38:51

"If not, I'll probably end up six foot under."

0:38:510:38:54

And I don't want that, I want a life for myself.

0:38:540:38:57

I want a life for my brothers and sisters.

0:38:570:38:59

'I come from a gypsy family.

0:39:000:39:03

'They don't like drugs or crime.

0:39:030:39:04

'I have blackened up my name in the Winchester area,

0:39:050:39:07

'and I've embarrassed them.'

0:39:070:39:10

We were smoking it at first.

0:39:110:39:14

My mum and dad would always smoke it on the foil.

0:39:140:39:16

And when me and my brother were 16, that's when we started injecting,

0:39:170:39:21

and the household was chaotic.

0:39:210:39:25

We would fight with my dad all the time.

0:39:250:39:28

He'd get jealous.

0:39:280:39:30

There would be fights, and my mum kicked us out.

0:39:300:39:33

We were out on the streets, and then we were just in the cycle of prison.

0:39:330:39:38

But me mum would always come and see us.

0:39:380:39:41

She used to always bring us some gear in.

0:39:410:39:44

So she was good stuff like that - she did look after us.

0:39:440:39:46

She kept the family together. My mum was the rock of the family.

0:39:460:39:51

And I remember one time that me and my brother set about my dad.

0:39:510:39:56

It was over gear, over money, and we were back at the house.

0:39:560:40:00

And we set about my dad, and my mum was in her dressing gown

0:40:000:40:02

in the kitchen.

0:40:020:40:04

It was early in the morning still, and she had just boiled the kettle.

0:40:040:40:08

And she came running in from the kitchen with the kettle in her hand,

0:40:080:40:12

and she went to launch it into my face, the hot water into my face.

0:40:120:40:17

But instead of it going over me, it went over her head,

0:40:170:40:22

and she just stood there, "Aah!" Like that.

0:40:220:40:26

And you know what? I thought, "Yeah, you deserve that, you bitch."

0:40:260:40:30

Because she was going to put that in my face, literally, you know?

0:40:300:40:33

There was times she chased us out with knives and everything.

0:40:330:40:37

I remember she stabbed my dad in the head and back on her hen night.

0:40:370:40:41

And she trod over him to go out on her hen night.

0:40:410:40:44

She was only five foot nothing, but she was a feisty little fucker.

0:40:450:40:49

I was best mates with my mum, though, you know?

0:40:490:40:52

But it was a stressful time, and when the whole house has got that

0:40:520:40:57

drug in it, and, you know, you go plucking, and you can't get hold of

0:40:570:41:02

any gear, you get jealousy -

0:41:020:41:05

my dad used to get jealous because we used to have it,

0:41:050:41:08

my mum used to give it to us, and he wanted more.

0:41:080:41:11

All that was going on, so it was just chaotic.

0:41:110:41:15

And I wondered why I would go fucking dim at times.

0:41:150:41:18

Yesterday, I packed my bags, I was ready to go back home to Winchester.

0:41:190:41:23

It was all I wanted to do, was just get a bag of gear, get some Spice,

0:41:230:41:27

and just use.

0:41:270:41:28

The medical team here persuaded me to stay for another 24 hours,

0:41:290:41:34

but I'm nearly there. I'm nearly there.

0:41:340:41:37

Only a couple more days and I'll be clean.

0:41:370:41:38

Two more days and I will be clean. That is what I've got to hold on to,

0:41:380:41:42

and that'll be the first time I've been clean since 2006.

0:41:420:41:45

So that's 10 years.

0:41:460:41:47

This is Craig's group.

0:42:170:42:19

Having written his life story, and reading it out to you,

0:42:190:42:23

it is now an opportunity for you guys to give him feedback on

0:42:230:42:27

what you see as his strengths, what you see as his blocks,

0:42:270:42:31

and how they could affect his recovery. So it is really important

0:42:310:42:35

-that you listen to any feedback and process it.

-Of course.

0:42:350:42:39

Self-pity, not sharing, irresponsibility, and defensiveness.

0:42:390:42:46

Craig always mentions he was brought up on a council estate,

0:42:470:42:51

and his parents were addicts several years ago,

0:42:510:42:54

as if that's what's tipped the scales for him being an addict.

0:42:540:42:57

Not sharing, don't think Craig shares his true feelings

0:42:580:43:02

and emotions, but always shares a story in groups and meetings.

0:43:020:43:06

You are pretty much a guy who started between the...

0:43:070:43:09

-Yeah, 10 and 14, yeah.

-OK, erm...

0:43:090:43:12

Sometimes it can come across that you have had a clean time.

0:43:140:43:17

And then it can be quite challenging.

0:43:180:43:21

You know what I mean?

0:43:210:43:22

If that makes sense. That is not in a critical way.

0:43:220:43:25

-No, no, I hear you.

-That is what you have learned from them.

0:43:250:43:29

-But you have not lived it.

-Of course.

0:43:290:43:31

You know what I mean? And sometimes...

0:43:310:43:34

I'm taking a risk here by saying it, because I don't want...

0:43:340:43:37

It's fine, don't worry, Steve.

0:43:370:43:39

Can I just interrupt for a second? Because that bit where you over-talk

0:43:390:43:43

and don't give people time to finish just happened.

0:43:430:43:46

So if you just...

0:43:460:43:48

Let Steve finish, I think the feedback will settle more.

0:43:480:43:50

OK.

0:43:500:43:52

That's just me being straight with you, you know what I mean?

0:43:540:43:56

And I think I spoke to you before about it, and it sort of...

0:43:560:44:00

Yeah, it's walking the walk... It's talking the talk,

0:44:020:44:05

but not walking the walk, you know what I mean?

0:44:050:44:07

Having my worst day since I've been in here.

0:44:160:44:19

Two questionnaires back from my mum and from my dad,

0:44:200:44:22

and my mum's is probably worse.

0:44:220:44:25

"I feel history repeating itself.

0:44:280:44:30

"I was told I could stop the cycle of addiction,

0:44:300:44:33

"and now watch my boy make the same mistakes as myself.

0:44:330:44:37

"Self-sabotage is a familiar route for Craig.

0:44:370:44:40

"I have lost my boy, and my boy is lost.

0:44:400:44:43

"Craig is a lovely-natured lad,

0:44:440:44:46

"who used to wear his heart on his sleeve. Have you seen my boy?

0:44:460:44:51

"I once remember trawling the streets of St Ann's for him

0:44:510:44:54

"after receiving a phone, saying,

0:44:540:44:57

" 'Can you come and get me, Mum, please? People are after me.'

0:44:570:45:00

"In a whisper, I searched everywhere - sheds, garages,

0:45:010:45:05

"empty buildings, expecting to find him dead.

0:45:050:45:09

"No mother should have to go through that.

0:45:090:45:11

"My head was full of thoughts - coffins,

0:45:110:45:14

"undertakers, funerals - and feelings were inconceivable."

0:45:140:45:19

It all hits home, all of it.

0:45:190:45:22

For me, now, to see my boy go down this road,

0:45:300:45:33

the same road I've gone down, knowing what's round the corner,

0:45:330:45:37

cos I've been round the corner...

0:45:370:45:39

Knowing, cos I've walked in his shoes,

0:45:390:45:41

and I've cried on them little beds

0:45:410:45:43

and beat my head against the wall and cursed the world.

0:45:430:45:46

And I can't do anything about it.

0:45:470:45:49

Even with all the knowledge that we've got,

0:45:500:45:52

all the insights we've got, all the awarenesses we've got from

0:45:520:45:55

our own treatment programme,

0:45:550:45:58

-you just can't bottle it and give it to them.

-No.

0:45:580:46:02

But he's in the best place now, isn't he?

0:46:020:46:04

And he's taking his own steps. And feeling his own way through this...

0:46:040:46:10

He's doing it for the right reasons,

0:46:100:46:12

-he's doing it because he wants to do it.

-Yes.

0:46:120:46:14

Craig at his nana's.

0:46:160:46:18

No doubt on a day where he'd got nothing to eat at home and

0:46:190:46:22

he'd gone for a bit of sanction.

0:46:220:46:24

We'd always send him up there, wouldn't we,

0:46:240:46:26

to go and get money, to blackmail his nana.

0:46:260:46:29

Emotionally blackmail his nana for us.

0:46:290:46:31

And if he didn't want to...

0:46:330:46:35

"Not again, I can't ask her again,"

0:46:350:46:37

we'd quite often get angry -

0:46:370:46:38

"Just get yourself gone," do you know what I mean?

0:46:380:46:41

-And force the situation upon him.

-Yeah.

0:46:410:46:44

But what he had at home wasn't really anything

0:46:440:46:47

to stay at home for, was it?

0:46:470:46:49

There was no electric and his meals were cooked on an open fire

0:46:490:46:53

that wasn't even coal-based,

0:46:530:46:55

it was pieces of 6x4 wood

0:46:550:46:58

being pushed into it as they burnt down...

0:46:580:47:02

Taking him to go score with us.

0:47:020:47:04

-Taking him...

-Shoplifting.

0:47:050:47:07

Shoplifting with us.

0:47:070:47:09

Police stations.

0:47:090:47:10

-He even went and got me drugs from the drug dealers for me.

-Yep.

0:47:110:47:15

And all through the sadness of that upbringing, the loneliness

0:47:180:47:21

and the isolation for them, I suppose, was you in and out of jail.

0:47:210:47:26

Um, quite often crimes that we committed were committed by

0:47:280:47:32

the pair of us, but you'd usually take the fall for them

0:47:320:47:35

so I could be at home with the kids and you served the time for it.

0:47:350:47:39

Since I was 14 and I first started taking drugs, until I was 58,

0:47:400:47:46

I had no breaks,

0:47:460:47:47

no concept of normality.

0:47:470:47:50

Didn't know what it was like to kiss my wife, clean.

0:47:510:47:56

Have a relationship with my wife, clean.

0:47:570:47:59

To see my children, clean.

0:47:590:48:02

For them to see me clean.

0:48:020:48:04

And yet I sit here today...

0:48:040:48:07

What's happened?

0:48:080:48:10

Why aren't I climbing through windows any more?

0:48:100:48:13

Why aren't I taking drugs any more?

0:48:130:48:15

Why am I caring, why am I loving?

0:48:150:48:17

Why am I compassionate?

0:48:170:48:19

Why? Because I found a solution,

0:48:190:48:22

and the solution for me is in

0:48:220:48:24

what I... The fellowship I'm in, or the programme I do.

0:48:240:48:27

I'm just thankful he's... I'm just thankful he's... He asked for help.

0:48:290:48:33

-And that's where it starts, isn't it? Asking for help.

-Yep.

0:48:340:48:38

When Craig finally came home, two weeks before he went into rehab...

0:48:400:48:46

he went back in his...

0:48:460:48:48

..little bedroom upstairs, and I'll show you the little room.

0:48:490:48:52

It's the only place that he found peace, the only place he found safe.

0:48:530:48:59

Fucking 'ell.

0:49:060:49:08

And the only place he called his own.

0:49:100:49:12

Yeah. Shoes under the bed,

0:49:150:49:18

his jacket still behind the door...

0:49:180:49:21

Yeah, his ring on his lighter.

0:49:220:49:25

My son's stuff.

0:49:260:49:28

-WHISPERS:

-Oh, yeah.

0:49:300:49:32

-Love you.

-Love you, too.

0:49:500:49:52

You know what you're doing this time.

0:49:540:49:56

Right.

0:50:200:50:21

I know. That's OK. Right, lovey?

0:50:250:50:28

-WHISPERS:

-Stop.

0:50:330:50:35

Sorry.

0:50:350:50:36

I'll give you a call in the next couple of days, all right?

0:50:390:50:41

-Whenever you're allowed, yeah.

-All right, then.

0:50:410:50:44

-Look after yourself, Mum.

-I will.

-Keep taking your medication.

0:50:440:50:48

Yeah, I will.

0:50:480:50:49

All medicine, anything from a chemist, pop it in the basket.

0:50:530:50:56

Because some of these I need, as well.

0:50:580:51:01

I have got medicine in my suitcase in my medicine box as well.

0:51:010:51:04

That's OK.

0:51:040:51:05

You OK?

0:51:070:51:09

So, what have you had today?

0:51:100:51:13

About six o'clock this morning, I did a 10-bag of heroin.

0:51:140:51:18

A 10 bag.

0:51:180:51:20

-£10 bag, isn't it?

-Yeah.

0:51:200:51:22

-So, September you were here, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

0:51:250:51:28

-How long were you here for?

-11 days.

0:51:280:51:31

OK.

0:51:310:51:32

-Glad you came back.

-Yeah, me too.

0:51:320:51:34

So, how have things been since you left here?

0:51:360:51:39

Um... When I left here...

0:51:390:51:42

Ended up in hospital.

0:51:440:51:45

Yes, I was pretty bad and I ended up on train tracks and...

0:51:450:51:49

Tried flying myself out of my fourth-floor window.

0:51:490:51:52

-I went on a big drug binge of crack and heroin.

-Mm.

0:51:520:51:56

And then I just felt like there was no point left.

0:51:560:51:58

My mum and dad had washed their hands of me,

0:51:580:52:00

my family didn't want to talk to me.

0:52:000:52:02

I'd fucked my own progress up here,

0:52:020:52:04

so I thought the only way forward was just to end my life.

0:52:040:52:06

And you're back with us for... 12 weeks, aren't you? That's good.

0:52:110:52:15

Yeah.

0:52:150:52:16

-So you're pleased to be back?

-Oh, God, yeah.

0:52:160:52:20

-You thought you'd burnt your bridges, I guess.

-Yeah.

0:52:200:52:23

Definitely.

0:52:230:52:25

-People give people second chances, you see.

-Yeah.

-It's good.

0:52:250:52:29

SEAGULLS CRY

0:52:290:52:33

These are our group therapy sessions. Every person present

0:52:420:52:44

should participate, as they are an important part

0:52:440:52:46

of the treatment programme.

0:52:460:52:48

I've been here for five weeks today. Um...

0:52:480:52:51

I've come in for my drug choice, which is cocaine and cannabis.

0:52:510:52:55

I've been using that since I was 16,

0:52:550:52:57

I just had my 30th birthday in here about a week ago.

0:52:570:53:01

I just can't stop using.

0:53:020:53:04

Just can't stop using, no matter what the reason is,

0:53:040:53:07

with my family, I just seem to put my drugs before anything.

0:53:070:53:10

I'm powerless to stop doing that...

0:53:100:53:12

VOICE FADES

0:53:120:53:13

I don't like this bit.

0:53:190:53:22

Cos when I was being discharged, I was kept...

0:53:220:53:24

Had to come out here for our fag,

0:53:240:53:26

I sat there with a few members of staff and I just don't like it.

0:53:260:53:30

What happened?

0:53:310:53:32

-How did I get discharged?

-Yes.

0:53:340:53:36

A friend of mine come to visit me and he brung me down

0:53:370:53:39

an eighth of heroin.

0:53:390:53:41

And I put it in my bra and took it upstairs back onto the unit and...

0:53:420:53:46

I got caught, but I handed it in, I didn't use it, but I broke

0:53:470:53:50

the rules, I put everyone at risk, obviously, because I took it in.

0:53:500:53:53

My God, I would do anything,

0:53:550:53:57

absolutely anything to take that back, it was a moment of madness.

0:53:570:54:01

OK, parents.

0:54:030:54:05

-Shall we go with Mum first?

-Yes.

0:54:050:54:08

-What's your relationship like with her?

-We're not that close any more,

0:54:080:54:13

-now.

-Right.

-After I failed in here last...

-Mm.

0:54:130:54:17

..she kind of washed her hands of it with me.

0:54:170:54:19

-Mm.

-But, um... We're on talking terms, but there's like...

0:54:190:54:24

..nothing there any more.

0:54:260:54:28

-Mm.

-So...

0:54:280:54:30

Yeah.

0:54:320:54:34

But she brought you up here,

0:54:340:54:35

supported you and come up here with you, so...

0:54:350:54:37

-Yeah.

-STRIMMER STARTS UP

0:54:370:54:39

What do you remember about secondary school?

0:54:390:54:42

I lasted three months at that school cos I overdosed on the property.

0:54:420:54:46

That's when the journey started. I've not been back at home with Mum.

0:54:480:54:51

Where did you go from the hospital?

0:54:530:54:55

-Psych unit.

-Mm-hm.

0:54:550:54:57

Care home after care home after care home after care home.

0:54:570:55:01

This was from, what, what age were you when this happened?

0:55:010:55:05

12 to...13.

0:55:050:55:07

Had you been diagnosed

0:55:090:55:11

with borderline personality disorder by this time?

0:55:110:55:15

-I got diagnosed with borderline at 18...

-18.

0:55:150:55:18

-..but it was on my paperwork from the age of 14.

-Right.

0:55:180:55:24

Oh, wow.

0:55:240:55:25

We're not going to MAKE you stay. We want you to see in your own head

0:55:320:55:35

that it's the right thing to do today.

0:55:350:55:37

I don't think it's the right thing, going out.

0:55:370:55:40

-Stay here, man.

-I think you should stay.

0:55:400:55:42

Your head's not there...

0:55:420:55:45

You decided to stay here, you was fresh for a few days,

0:55:450:55:49

you're coming off all your meds...

0:55:490:55:52

Yeah? You're going to be wobbly.

0:55:520:55:54

I understand the house is a bit disruptive, yeah, you're emotional.

0:55:540:55:58

You're like me.

0:55:580:55:59

But you show your emotions a bit more.

0:55:590:56:01

You don't need to go anywhere else, you're in the best place,

0:56:010:56:06

you're with great people who want to be with you, too.

0:56:060:56:09

Yeah?

0:56:090:56:10

And you're in the best place.

0:56:100:56:12

You ride through the storm and

0:56:120:56:14

then you can fuckin' dance in the next rain, do you know what I mean?

0:56:140:56:17

You're at the most critical stage right now, mate.

0:56:170:56:19

INDISTINCT

0:56:210:56:23

-You've broke through so many barriers.

-Come on, man.

0:56:250:56:28

You've done so well,

0:56:320:56:33

you've broke through loads of barriers to get where you are,

0:56:330:56:36

there's no point putting your own barriers back up, you know?

0:56:360:56:39

I just can't be here any more, son.

0:56:410:56:43

I just want to get out of here, and get back home.

0:56:460:56:50

You need to understand you're incredibly vulnerable.

0:56:520:56:54

And if you do use or drink,

0:56:540:56:56

you're not going to be able to take the quantities that you were.

0:56:560:56:59

If you go back home and you use something, you might die.

0:56:590:57:02

Yeah, my mum's dead, my dad's dead.

0:57:020:57:04

My family's fucked anyway, what about if I'm up there?

0:57:040:57:07

All the more reason for you to live.

0:57:070:57:09

Bring some positives to the world.

0:57:110:57:13

-Did they say they'd be 15 minutes?

-Yeah. Yeah.

0:57:210:57:24

-Only another five minutes to wait, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-OK.

0:57:280:57:31

-It's still not too late.

-Huh?

-It's still not too late, mate.

0:57:370:57:40

I know, but I'm going.

0:57:400:57:42

Emily had told me she had at least ten personalities.

0:58:350:58:38

Staff are becoming concerned about her unpredictable behaviour.

0:58:380:58:42

If clients seem likely to break the rules,

0:58:420:58:44

they go through a warning process, and Emily was being closely watched.

0:58:440:58:48

Whilst we understand that self-harming has been

0:58:500:58:52

a coping mechanism for you in the past, Broadway Lodge

0:58:520:58:55

is a place of recovery

0:58:550:58:57

and involves change, not continued and repeated patterns of behaviour.

0:58:570:59:00

-Mm-hm.

-We acknowledge your right to make your own choices, but the

0:59:000:59:03

terms of this contract mean that should you decide to actively

0:59:030:59:06

self-harm, it will result in you going through the formal

0:59:060:59:09

warning process and MAY result in you being discharged from treatment.

0:59:090:59:14

So...the warning process again is a mechanism we use to try and

0:59:150:59:20

help people to change their behaviours,

0:59:200:59:22

so this is the first step in trying to help you change how you cope.

0:59:220:59:27

I know, but sometimes you just need to cut.

0:59:270:59:29

-You know?

-But so far, because you've been here, what, four, five days?

0:59:310:59:36

-No, that's bad.

-So far, you've done really well with it.

0:59:360:59:41

I can even see it now, I want to self-harm NOW,

0:59:410:59:43

because I feel so overwhelmed,

0:59:430:59:45

I can actually see myself sitting

0:59:450:59:47

there and just the skin opening

0:59:470:59:50

and just bleeding out.

0:59:500:59:51

I wipe it up and that's it, I go on about my day. I don't...

0:59:510:59:55

I don't get what the big deal is.

0:59:550:59:57

But we have to put things in place to care for you, Emily.

0:59:591:00:03

We can't just leave you to self-harm and not acknowledge it,

1:00:031:00:07

or not do something to help you.

1:00:071:00:08

Dennis, I'm not... I'm really not being horrible.

1:00:101:00:13

But I feel like...

1:00:131:00:15

That you are...

1:00:201:00:22

No. That... Oh, fucking hell.

1:00:221:00:24

Can't say it?

1:00:241:00:26

That you especially have no right to tell me about that contract.

1:00:291:00:34

Why is that, then?

1:00:391:00:40

Cos you're a bloke.

1:00:401:00:42

-Mm-hm.

-And it's like...

1:00:421:00:44

How dare you?

1:00:451:00:47

Oh, fucking hell, I don't even want to look at you.

1:00:481:00:50

I'm so sorry.

1:00:501:00:51

Whereas I feel this is a little bit of diversion tactics,

1:00:571:01:00

if I'm honest, Emily.

1:01:001:01:01

I'm not dismissing what you're saying, but...

1:01:011:01:04

OK, I'll sign it, I'll sign.

1:01:041:01:06

-Take a minute...

-No, it's OK. I'll sign it. It's all right.

1:01:061:01:08

-I've got a pen.

-Ta.

1:01:101:01:12

-CRYING:

-Yeah, but even if I do this, Mum,

1:01:231:01:25

I don't want to go home on my own.

1:01:251:01:27

-Emily, it's tea-time.

-OK.

1:01:321:01:35

Need to be off the phone.

1:01:351:01:36

-WOMAN:

-For God's sake.

1:01:431:01:44

It's like a bunch of children, like a school ground.

1:01:441:01:48

You'd better hurry up, cos Marcus is on his way in to talk to

1:01:481:01:51

everyone in the lecture room.

1:01:511:01:53

Rumours have been spreading for weeks about how Craig

1:01:541:01:56

was getting too close to some of the women in the house.

1:01:561:01:59

One night, there was a row about love letters being passed around,

1:01:591:02:03

and some people were threatening to leave.

1:02:031:02:05

I hear that it's chaos in this house.

1:02:081:02:11

Can somebody tell me why?

1:02:111:02:12

Craig, what have you got to say?

1:02:181:02:19

Why did you put your treatment in jeopardy?

1:02:301:02:33

And other people's treatment in jeopardy?

1:02:331:02:35

We saw your facade, talking the talk,

1:02:351:02:38

as if you're doing well.

1:02:381:02:40

You show that to somebody, and you show that, and you...

1:02:401:02:42

..make it look like you're interested in them. OK?

1:02:441:02:47

And then somebody else comes in, and you move on to somebody else.

1:02:491:02:53

And this is all without a drug inside you.

1:02:531:02:56

You're doing this clean.

1:02:561:02:58

Hayley.

1:03:011:03:02

What have you got to say?

1:03:021:03:04

INDISTINCT

1:03:121:03:14

You can leave now.

1:03:231:03:25

But I will be seeing you tomorrow.

1:03:251:03:26

HAYLEY:

1:03:261:03:28

I said you can leave. I'll see you tomorrow.

1:03:281:03:30

And how does that make you feel?

1:03:561:03:58

Cos I get a sense he's been over-friendly with you.

1:03:581:04:00

He hasn't really tried it on as such. But...

1:04:001:04:04

He is very over... Very friendly.

1:04:041:04:07

Your attitudes and behaviours

1:04:071:04:09

have affected a lot of vulnerable women

1:04:091:04:14

in the house.

1:04:141:04:17

What I want you to do

1:04:171:04:21

is to put in your own boundaries.

1:04:211:04:24

And mix with the men in the treatment centre.

1:04:241:04:29

I'll do that.

1:04:291:04:31

-OK?

-I will do that.

1:04:311:04:33

-Cos you're trying to get your needs met from women.

-I know.

1:04:361:04:41

And you need to be getting your needs met from yourself.

1:04:411:04:45

And on some...

1:04:451:04:47

And you're going round in circles,

1:04:471:04:50

and we won't get anywhere because, really, you're deflecting.

1:04:501:04:53

If you start to sit with yourself,

1:04:561:04:58

the feelings will come up, and we will manage them, OK?

1:04:581:05:01

-OK.

-And it will help you.

-OK.

1:05:011:05:05

And I know that you're vulnerable, as well. Everybody's vulnerable.

1:05:071:05:12

It's about you working on your stuff, OK?

1:05:141:05:16

And us being here to support you through it.

1:05:171:05:20

OK.

1:05:231:05:25

Your feelings, where have you gotten to now?

1:05:251:05:27

-Sad.

-Yeah.

1:05:291:05:31

And I think that's it.

1:05:311:05:33

That's what you have been trying to get away from, that sadness.

1:05:331:05:37

And when we deflect and bounce off of other people,

1:05:371:05:40

we don't get to what's really going on for us.

1:05:401:05:44

And that's what you're here for.

1:05:441:05:45

To get to you, really. And to be able to manage your feelings.

1:05:461:05:51

-OK?

-OK.

1:05:511:05:53

-OK?

-OK.

1:05:561:05:58

Thank you very much, everyone, for your honesty.

1:05:581:06:01

Thank you.

1:06:011:06:02

Yeah, thanks.

1:06:041:06:05

The group smashed me to pieces

1:06:151:06:18

They just tear me apart

1:06:181:06:20

All their words hit home

1:06:201:06:23

They hurt my confused heart

1:06:231:06:25

I feel the pain, I feel the hurt

1:06:251:06:28

It totally rips me apart

1:06:281:06:31

I feel abandoned by the group

1:06:311:06:33

It wasn't like this at the start

1:06:331:06:36

Rejection issues I'm isolating alone in the dark

1:06:361:06:40

Why do I feel the way I do?

1:06:401:06:43

Please, power, show me the spark

1:06:431:06:46

I know you're here, I feel you there

1:06:461:06:49

Please make it stop

1:06:491:06:51

This feeling of anticipation

1:06:511:06:53

and waiting for the drop.

1:06:531:06:55

I just feel like I'm being picked on, as sad as it sounds.

1:07:041:07:06

And I have learnt a lot, and I feel like...

1:07:091:07:11

..like I could go. I feel like I could just go home.

1:07:131:07:16

Use my mum and dad, as recovering addicts,

1:07:161:07:20

as if they were my peers here.

1:07:201:07:21

Talk to them on a deeper level

1:07:211:07:23

about stuff I've never spoken to them about.

1:07:231:07:26

And I feel like going through NA, AA, whatever it is, working

1:07:261:07:31

the 12-steps programme, continue doing what I'm doing here...

1:07:311:07:34

I feel like I could get that at home.

1:07:351:07:38

INTERVIEWER: What would you talk to your parents about?

1:07:381:07:41

My past. My past and what I've learnt.

1:07:411:07:46

How I feel about it.

1:07:461:07:47

Things I need to talk to them about that I've not spoken to them about.

1:07:511:07:55

It's why I am who I am.

1:07:591:08:00

I don't even know who I am.

1:08:041:08:06

This place is not healthy.

1:08:171:08:19

It's not healthy.

1:08:221:08:23

Cos just... Yeah.

1:08:251:08:26

It's not. Like I said the other day, it's driving me underground already.

1:08:261:08:30

It's going underground already.

1:08:301:08:32

And the last two days that's happened

1:08:321:08:35

has been me disconnecting completely.

1:08:351:08:37

I've shut down.

1:08:371:08:39

So because of these pathetic little contracts that people...

1:08:391:08:43

I don't see the point in them.

1:08:431:08:45

What's the point in giving someone a contract

1:08:451:08:48

within a day of coming in here, for them to just shut down?

1:08:481:08:52

Of course they're going to do that!

1:08:521:08:53

There's no trust there. There's no nothing.

1:08:531:08:56

There is a contract handed to me, I could not do anything about that.

1:08:561:09:00

I have an addiction to cutting myself,

1:09:001:09:02

like I've got other addictions.

1:09:021:09:03

I had to come in rehab to get...

1:09:031:09:06

Because of my addiction to heroin.

1:09:061:09:09

So where's the rehab around my addiction to cutting myself?

1:09:091:09:12

There isn't, I just don't have to do it.

1:09:121:09:14

Therefore it goes underground.

1:09:141:09:16

And then we get done for keeping secrets and all that lot. So I...

1:09:161:09:20

And all this other shit that's... I'm keeping my mouth shut.

1:09:201:09:23

And my feelings have switched off.

1:09:231:09:25

I can't be fucked with it.

1:09:271:09:29

INTERVIEWER: What would help, then?

1:09:351:09:37

Having a fucking bit of gear.

1:09:371:09:39

I'm not going to last in here.

1:09:491:09:51

I think you're stronger than what you think.

1:09:541:09:57

Well, I don't care what you think.

1:09:571:09:58

Shall we go down and show you where the art stuff is?

1:10:031:10:06

How do you feel?

1:10:061:10:08

I feel quite calm.

1:10:091:10:11

I feel quite pleased, as well,

1:10:131:10:15

that you were able to just let off...

1:10:151:10:17

That's about it, really.

1:10:191:10:20

Do I not scare you?

1:10:231:10:24

No. No.

1:10:251:10:27

Well, I wanted to.

1:10:281:10:30

I know.

1:10:301:10:32

MUSIC: Jingles Bells played on piano

1:10:331:10:38

There used to be a big saying in treatment,

1:10:541:10:56

and I'm certainly somebody that it applies to.

1:10:561:10:59

My attitude was wrong.

1:10:591:11:02

And I was told on several occasions,

1:11:021:11:04

"Go away and come back if and when you are ever ready."

1:11:041:11:08

"But don't come back until you are ready,

1:11:081:11:10

"because you're just wasting our time.

1:11:101:11:12

"You're wasting your time,

1:11:121:11:13

"our time and everybody else's around you time."

1:11:131:11:16

I know people out there

1:11:161:11:18

that would give their right arm to be sat in these chairs.

1:11:181:11:21

I was on the phone last night to somebody,

1:11:211:11:23

an active addictionist in Bristol.

1:11:231:11:25

Crying her eyes out,

1:11:251:11:27

"They're desperate to get help, they're desperate."

1:11:271:11:30

There's people in here

1:11:301:11:32

that don't seem to have the right attitude and the right behaviours.

1:11:321:11:35

And I'm going to be straight with you,

1:11:351:11:37

we're going to cull it, because it's not fair on the people

1:11:371:11:41

that have got the right attitudes or behaviours.

1:11:411:11:43

So I'm inviting each and every one of you

1:11:431:11:46

to start to take personal responsibility,

1:11:461:11:48

because the way the team are feeling at the minute with this community,

1:11:481:11:52

we are going to have to take some of the bad apples out the barrel.

1:11:521:11:55

There's plenty of people out there who would be desperate

1:11:551:11:58

to walk in here and get some help.

1:11:581:12:00

INDISTINCT VOICES

1:12:071:12:09

Oh, for fuck's sake. Shut up.

1:12:091:12:12

VOICES CONTINUE

1:12:121:12:14

Are you hiding your face?

1:12:171:12:18

Show me your face.

1:12:211:12:22

Come on. Give me a peek-a-boo.

1:12:241:12:26

SHE SNIFFS

1:12:301:12:31

INTERVIEWER: How many days have you been drug-free?

1:12:311:12:33

Two.

1:12:331:12:35

No methadone for two days.

1:12:371:12:38

No heroin for 14 days.

1:12:401:12:42

No Valium for... I think about a week, now.

1:12:451:12:48

What do you see when you look outside?

1:12:551:12:57

I'm not really looking, I'm just staring.

1:13:021:13:05

I can see what's in my mind.

1:13:111:13:13

TAP RUNS

1:13:141:13:16

-Jo?

-Yeah?

-You all right?

1:13:181:13:20

JO LAUGHS

1:13:221:13:23

-You all right?

-Yes.

1:13:231:13:24

-You got a cold?

-Yes, a stinker.

1:13:261:13:28

-You feeling a bit better now?

-Yeah.

1:13:331:13:35

-Isn't it weird, these mood swings?

-Yeah.

1:13:371:13:39

Really weird.

1:13:411:13:42

I went from one extreme to the next, I feel really calm, now.

1:13:441:13:47

Yeah, you look better.

1:13:471:13:48

INDISTINCT VOICES

1:14:031:14:08

Will you speak to my mum?

1:14:081:14:09

You need to speak to her.

1:14:111:14:12

Yeah, I know!

1:14:201:14:21

I'm not fucking stupid.

1:14:211:14:22

SHE TAPS TABLE

1:14:241:14:26

I hope I'm not the only cunt that's being discharged over this.

1:14:261:14:29

Absolutely not.

1:14:291:14:30

All three of you.

1:14:311:14:33

SHE SIGHS

1:14:331:14:35

Do you want to come up to the office with me and phone the care manager?

1:14:351:14:37

She's been involved with two other patients

1:14:391:14:43

that passed medication to each other.

1:14:431:14:45

Emily's taken some of that medication, as well.

1:14:451:14:48

And under Broadway Lodge rules, that's an automatic discharge

1:14:481:14:52

because we just can't have people taking other people's medication.

1:14:521:14:56

OK.

1:14:581:15:00

So this is the half a zopiclone?

1:15:011:15:04

I didn't take it.

1:15:061:15:08

Emily's sat in my office right next to me now, and she's pulled out

1:15:101:15:14

half a tablet that she was supposed to be taking, and given it to me.

1:15:141:15:19

That's not going to make any difference,

1:15:191:15:20

she's still going to be discharged.

1:15:201:15:22

Yeah.

1:15:231:15:25

So, where are you going to go back to?

1:15:261:15:29

-Eventually?

-My place.

1:15:291:15:31

-Your place, in Milton Keynes?

-Yeah.

1:15:311:15:33

OK.

1:15:341:15:35

Have you got enough money to buy food and stuff like that

1:15:361:15:39

for yourself this evening?

1:15:391:15:40

Yeah.

1:15:401:15:42

SHE CRIES

1:15:441:15:46

Hello. This is Broadway Lodge. Can I have a taxi...?

1:15:491:15:52

-Where are you going?

-Back home.

1:15:531:15:56

I'm one of the cunts in the station van.

1:15:571:15:59

Yeah, I'm going there.

1:16:001:16:02

Look at your hair!

1:16:301:16:32

Selfishness.

1:16:561:16:57

Dishonesty.

1:16:591:17:01

And my prayers.

1:17:041:17:06

And my resentments.

1:17:151:17:17

Bit of intolerance.

1:17:211:17:23

Envy, comparing.

1:17:251:17:26

Mm.

1:17:361:17:38

INTERVIEWER: Does that taste like the best chocolate you've ever had?

1:17:431:17:46

It sure does taste like the best chocolate I've ever had.

1:17:461:17:48

Clean chocolate.

1:17:491:17:50

Chocolate free...

1:17:501:17:52

It's lovely up here.

1:17:561:17:57

Peaceful. I feel at peace now.

1:18:011:18:03

Every minute of every day

1:18:131:18:15

The burning desire subsides away

1:18:151:18:18

As I walk a new life into the unknown

1:18:181:18:21

I now have hope and faith to carry me home

1:18:211:18:24

I felt as though I was approaching my hour to depart

1:18:241:18:29

My extinction could have been the end

1:18:291:18:32

But I can tell this is the start.

1:18:321:18:34

APPLAUSE

1:18:341:18:35

Out of the nether world into the blue

1:18:351:18:38

I thought it was the ending

1:18:381:18:40

But realise I am new

1:18:401:18:42

I've got so much closure and a new quality to give

1:18:421:18:46

I feel the energy I feel I have purpose to live.

1:18:461:18:50

Yeah.

1:18:551:18:56

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