Being Ronnie Corbett

Name - Ronald "Goliath" Corbett.

# When whippoorwills call And evening is nigh

# I hurry to my blue heaven. #

I want to just hug him and whenever I see him, I always hug him on meeting him.

I just want to have a nice hug from him.

There's so much going on in Ronnie Corbett.

He makes it effortless. There's his natural charm, his warmth,

his cunning, his craftsmanship, there's the years of experience.

He's an entertainer. He wants to entertain you.

Whenever Ronnie's on, I feel, "I'm comfortable here. I'm really going to enjoy this".

Because he's enjoying it!

And now of course the star of our show, Mr Ronnie Corbett!

APPLAUSE

All of today's performers would view Ronnie

as something of a godfather and someone to look up to

and be in awe of and respectful of,

not in a retrospective way because he can do anything with anybody.

He's just as contemporary now as ever he was.

Oh, hi.

He just represents years and years of great British comedy, really.

BOTH: Rather a nice house.

Of course, not to my taste.

Nor mine.

I prefer something more...elaborate.

Me too.

He's right up there. He's top of his game.

He's still a funny man. He's still wanted by producers and directors.

He's a little master.

APPLAUSE

People always come up and have a wee chat.

They always say to me, how did you start in the business?

What made you decide to become a comedian?

Which is what I am...

LAUGHTER

In those days, the West End did offer

fantastic little opportunities and venues for people doing...

like intimate revues, and there was Winston's and Churchill's,

there was Edmundo Ros', there was Murray's Club

and Danny La Rue's was a huge success amongst all these clubs I've mentioned.

We did a sort of satirical little evening, I mean, gently satirical.

One day, I leaped over a fence.

Preparation and leap. Preparation and leap.

They sent you up, didn't they?

I leaped over the fence and was caught by the Cossacks.

Oh, my goodness.

Danny La Rue's club was THE meeting place for pros.

Even if you'd seen the show before, you'd say,

"Let's go into Danny's again,"

mostly to see Ronnie and Danny do their double-act, which was wonderful.

# Happy feet.

# We've got those happy feet

# And now they will repeat, We're happy together. #

-# Dame Margo

-And the Rudy we both know

# The Iron Curtain need not be a trap

# When I and Rudy bridge that gap... #

The partnership with Danny La Rue was really good

because it wouldn't work so well with a big man,

there's something funny about the woman's taller than the man,

especially in that ballet spoof that they do.

It's like, how on earth is that little man

going to lift up that great big woman?

Danny's ended up being the most fantastically successful room.

You couldn't get in. You had to make special arrangements to get in. You had to book.

It was always full of stars who were visiting London, no expense was spared.

A little jewel of a show went on there.

I played the leading man to Danny's heroines, really,

and the fact that I was a tiny leading man

added to the comedy, I suppose.

When I first met him, he'd been working with Danny La Rue in cabaret,

on stage, so he could sing and he could dance and he could be outrageous and do whatever

and he managed to make this move into a quite sort of,

if you like, quite a mould-breaking television comedy series,

which was the Frost Report, where a lot of Pythons got their first break,

both as writers and performers, the two Ronnies were brought together,

and that was, kind of, very different to what he was doing in cabaret.

Perhaps we should straighten up one point straight away.

You're not in fact Julie Andrews, are you?

Oh, no, no. Let's get that quite clear from the outset. No, no, no.

She merely employs my organisation, LF Dibley & Son,

in order to save her from having to appear in person.

The sketch about me being Julie Andrews or whatever was sort of what we enjoyed writing at the time,

slightly pre-Python, someone whose job was to go around being other celebrities, you know.

And clearly wasn't!

I liked the fact it was just so bad, the attempt to fool people!

DEADPAN: # Doe, a deer, a female deer,

# Drop, a ray of golden sun.

# Far, a long, long way to come. #

My, oh, my. My, oh, my

I am only happy when I sing.

But alas I must be winging my way back to Hollywood.

But I shall always treasure this meeting with you today.

Thank you and God bless you all.

Then I'm smuggled out the back way to avoid the fans and off down the pub for a pint of mild.

'The Frost Report was a complete change in my life.'

As far as making one's face well-known and name well-known,

the Frost Report was the turning point.

I look down on him because I am upper-class.

I look up to him because he is upper-class.

But I look down on him because he is lower-class.

I am middle-class.

I know my place.

This is Anthony Burgess.

Yes, a review of the Frost Report, the class sketch.

"They're a kind of visual epigram made out of the intellectual fact of human variety.

"This epigram is also a paradigm for conjugating social statements

"about class, chiefly with great neatness." God!

I look up to them both,

but I don't look up to him as much as I look up to him.

Because he has got innate breeding.

I have got innate breeding but I have not got any money

so sometimes I look up to him.

I still look up to him because although I have money, I am vulgar.

But I am not as vulgar as him so I still look down on him.

I know my place.

-It's so memorable because it looks so unlike any other sketch you've ever seen.

-I know.

It's so strange to see three people talking to each other in that way.

And still when class is discussed at the Tory party conference,

the Telegraph will have a picture of the three of us again after all these years.

You do think of people the shape of David Walliams

as being grand and elegant, in the royal box at Ascot,

where we have to scum along and fit in where we can.

-That's right. We know our place.

-We know our place, yes.

We all know our place, but what do we get out of it?

I get a feeling of superiority over them.

I get a feeling of inferiority from him.

But a feeling of superiority over him.

I get a pain in the back of my neck.

Do you think David Frost is... What do you think he's most proud of?

Do you think the Nixon interviews or Through The Keyhole?

(THEY LAUGH)

APPLAUSE

Ron was certainly an extremely skilful character actor

and he taught me a bit about character acting

and I was a little bit more vaudevillian and silly-arse nightclub and I taught him

silly-arse nightclub and he taught me character acting, so between us,

we met in the middle of the road

and taught each other a little bit of something each,

so the skills rubbed off on each other so we were lucky in that way.

The Two Ronnies is so iconic from my childhood because it was the treat

that we got to watch on a Saturday night before Starsky and Hutch.

-What I especially loved was, well, I always loved the songs.

-Yes.

Loved the songs, which must have been a great hoot to do.

Yes, they were. Terrific, yes.

Amazing. Amazing, big, kick-off production numbers, which I love.

I'd always finish on a song if I could.

I hope we're going to do it tonight, are we? I very much hope that.

# Now you're sad and tumble down

# But you'll always be Camden Town,

# My Camden Town You are home to me. #

For me, a lot of the musical stuff, the musical set-pieces,

were just so brilliantly done.

They were like these kind of little tour de forces

that would happen every week.

# You can go for a man with dimples

# Stick with a slick brunette

# But for a girl with the best goose pimples

# You can't beat the majorette. #

# Sod off, sod off, sod off, sod off

# So doff your hat, I pray. #

They did a great song set at an Eisteddfod in Wales,

and I can still remember the words.

It went, "Our conductor Albert Stratton..."

# Trouserless but with his hat on

# A ribbon tied around his button

# He won second prize

# Through the valleys of the Rhondda

# Singing songs from way back yonder

# But our minds are bound to wander

# When we've had a shower. #

We were loath to rehearse, so if you could sit down round a table for a meeting...

-Really? You preferred that than getting it on its feet?

-Yes.

It's all a bit tiring doing that.

You sort of feel, "I don't want to do it too much,"

because you want to save some of it in front of the audience, don't you?

-You want to keep the excitement.

-That's right.

Hello.

Jolly nice party, this, isn't it?

That was written by me and Terry. I think. My God, I hope so!

My name's...

He'd say something to Ronnie, Ronnie suddenly slaps him across the face

and says, "Terribly sorry, it's just I've got something that I do".

So then got talking. "So, you live round here?"

"No, we live in a bungalow up there." And he'd hit him again.

I remember being quite frightened by it,

and Ronnie being so slapped so often, it was fantastic.

The effrontery of it - "What, what is it?"

I remember him doing that and his hair all flapping.

-What is this? What is it?

-I'm sorry. It's something I just can't control.

-If I were you, I'd just move away.

-Well, I mean...

Everybody else does.

Don't worry, I'll be all right. I'm used to it.

Well, it seems such a shame.

Instead of just going, "Stop it, you're a crazy person",

there's an English reserve which suggests,

"Oh, really, there's a problem?

"Don't worry, don't bother yourself. I'll avoid your slaps and punches"."

Supposing I just sort of...

Supposing I just sort of kept an eye on that hand of yours,

and every time it came up,

you know, to give me a thing, I duck my head,

we could have quite a reasonable conversation.

There we are. Ooh!

He's a man who will leave that party going,

"That was an odd turn of events. I don't know if you ran into that man?

"He kept slapping me".

There's never a sense that he's an utter fool.

He's a man who, through circumstance, found himself in that situation. And trying to remain polite.

I feel so pathetic, so hopelessly helpless,

not being able to cope with this problem of yours.

-I'm very sorry.

-Thanks for trying, anyway.

-Well...

-No hard feelings, then?

-No, none at all.

Terry Jones and myself were writing together. We were jobbing writers.

Python didn't pay us much money.

We were sending material in to The Two Ronnies even while we were planning Monty Python.

-Hello, I want to join the...

-Shh!

(SHOUTING) I want to join the library!

Do you mind not shouting, please?

I can't help shouting!

SHH!

Please, talk quietly.

I can't talk quietly! That's why I want to join the library!

I want a copy of a book entitled How Not To Shout!

I'll see if I can find it.

-Thank you very much indeed!

-Mr Simpson.

(SHOUTING) Yes!

-This gentleman wants a book called How Not To Shout.

-What?

-This gentleman wants a book called How Not To Shout.

-There's no such book!

Oh, yes, there is! It's called How Not To Shout!

No, no! There's a book called How To Shout Louder!

Or How To Shout Terrifically Loud! That's a good one!

-Or How To Scream At The...

-No, no, I don't want to shout!

-Shh.

-What?

-I want to stop shouting!

That's why I want a copy of the book entitled How Not To Shout!

'We were very fortunate.

There were a lot of very, very clever writers about,

people who were fascinated by words, by rhymes and by wordplay.

Hello, Simon.

-Hello, Gerald here.

-Hello, Doris.

Doris, it's me, Walter.

How are you, old man?

All right, thanks.

Listen, Simon, I had to ring you up

to find out how you got on with that fabulous new girl last night.

Not too bad. There were one or two things I couldn't quite get hold of.

Yes, I know the kind of girl.

Where did you take her, somewhere exotic?

Sainsbury's.

Bianca Jagger goes there, doesn't she?

I think the best thing I could do, dear,

-is to go through the list with you.

-Yes, yes, that's a good idea.

So what was she like? What sort of girl?

-A French bread.

-Ooh!

Bloomers, two large.

Kept slipping down, you mean?

Well, if you will go ice skating,

-you will keep slipping down, won't you, old chap?

-And rolls for 20p.

She doesn't!

They had fantastic writers.

When you look at the names of the people who were writing for The Two Ronnies,

they were brilliant, brilliant writers.

He was literally cherry-picking all the greatest teams of comedic minds we've ever had.

That's an extraordinary path to have taken.

That David Renwick sketch, which is the Mastermind one, is extraordinary.

As a piece of writing, it's quite brilliant.

I don't know where he started when he wrote that sketch.

I still, periodically I still watch that just to remind myself

of just perfect, precision-engineered sketch writing.

And so to our first contender. Good evening. Your name, please?

-Good evening.

-In the first heat, your chosen subject was answering questions before they were asked.

-This time you've chosen to answer the question before last each time. Is that correct?

-Charlie Smithers.

And your time starts now. What is palaeontology?

Yes, absolutely correct.

What's the name of the directory that lists members of the peerage?

A study of old fossils.

Correct. Who are Len Murray and Sir Geoffrey Howe?

Burke's.

Correct. What is the difference between a donkey and an ass?

One is a trade union leader

and the other is a member of the Cabinet.

Correct.

Some of those sketches, you know,

he just completely flings himself into it,

with such great deal of seriousness and commitment

that it's incredibly endearing, and very funny as well.

Oh, dear. It's like Piccadilly Circus in here tonight.

What's this one here?

Evening.

If I was thinking of coming down that chute, I'd go, OK, yeah,

that would be funny, but maybe I'll do a little flip at the end

or scream or some line at the end.

But he knew that just simply going down it was enough.

And it was.

What's this - one handkerchief? There ought to be a minimum charge.

Well, the chute is certainly working all right.

His size for that was perfect.

He could maintain this very neat...

..neat legs, neat feet, and then the slide looked even longer.

It was just perfect.

I was diplomatic but firm, you know what I mean?

You go and tell them either they knock it on the head or out they go.

Yes, that's the ticket.

-You tell them that. But be diplomatic.

-I will.

Just say to them, "We're not running a hotel here for yobbos and the likes of you".

I explained to them...

I explained to them that whereas we realise they were guests,

they must consider the other guests.

I see. Did they come to a decision?

They did, yes. They decided to throw me down the chute again.

As an adult dissecting that comedically, you go, "Really?

"Really, though? And those stairs are very quick to get up".

And it doesn't make sense, but it doesn't matter.

You just go, "Please come down the chute again!"

Ronnie Corbett, apart from being a brilliant stand up,

is also a great actor, and he's also a rather effective dancer.

He has a real understanding of rhythm, and knows how to move.

# You'll find them in the nicest homes

# At court, they're just the stuff

# They do say that his Majesty just cannot get enough

# I know a wealthy grocer in the better part of Ealing

# And every time I visit him I get a lovely feeling

# I drink his fine old brandy And I smoke his best Havanas

# And all I give him in return are Billy Pratt's bananas.

# And all I give him in return are Billy Pratt's bananas. #

He's what I call a sophisticated mover.

There's not an ounce of wasted energy. It's all within him.

He sort of sways and he has that lovely, sophisticated...

He's a sophisticated person, Ronnie.

What I find particularly funny about Ronnie's movement is his jumping. He bounces.

What's your secret to dancing well and comedically?

Moving funnily.

When I came out of the Air Force I'd go to tap classes and tap dancing,

so I kind of moved a bit.

It's eccentric dancing, isn't it?

For sure.

And you've got it in...

In my genes.

-Dancing bones. Funny dancing bones.

-Funny dancing bones.

# Hey ho and up she...

# Measures her bust in school cap sizes

# Six and seven eighths. #

I remember longing for them to put dresses on in The Two Ronnies.

That was always the bit that I was really excited about.

When are they going to come on with the boobs and the dresses?

# Rosy paths and ruby gates

# Travelled east on winter rates

# Started off to see the palm trees

# Ended up as two stone dates

# Left our boyfriends, Tom and Dick

# Back at home in Hampton Wick

# Dick is in the Territorials

# Tom is in the local nick. #

I suppose I was naturally,

being tiny, neat and tiny,

and therefore I was a neat and tidy little lady, or I became one.

Like my mum, really.

I probably was introduced to men dressing up as women

by you and Ronnie.

-Every week, you didn't shy away from it, did you?

-No, no!

So was that a thing that came happily?

Yes, it's not a thing that disgusted me or excited me, really.

It wasn't done in a titillating way.

It was done in a very comedic way.

And of course, I'd been brought up with Danny La Rue in nightclubs,

so I'd worked with the creme de la creme as far as that was concerned.

And did you wear tights, or did you just, you know...?

Oh, I wore tights. Yes.

You didn't cheat?

I didn't cheat, no.

He say...

I sell my dog and I give up the tuba.

I work day and night in a bubblegum factory

so you can have all the mongooses you want.

Ronnie's ability to be a chameleon as a performer,

all of the different roles he's taken on

are so different from each other,

and he just does that so effortlessly.

How are you today, all right?

Mustn't grumble. Mustn't grumble.

Just been up the...

-Club?

-No.

-Dogs? What?

-Fish shop? Doctor's?

-Doctor's, yeah, just been up the doctor's.

I've just been up the... Up the road? No, up the... Ladder?

No, up the... Up the doctor's. Oh, up the doctor's?

Of course, I only went up there on the...

-On the bus?

-No.

-On the off chance.

-On the off chance.

-You been up there lately?

-No, I haven't, no.

It's all changed up there now. Oh, dear, yes.

He's got this marvellous, great big new, uh...

-Rolls Royce?

-No.

-Waiting room? Receptionist?

Receptionist.

Marvellous, great big new receptionist. She's got it all...

-All up here?

-No.

-Down there?

-No.

-Where, then? Where's she got it?

-She's got it all...

-All over? She's got it all over?

She's got it all organised up there.

It was a proper entertainment show.

There was gags, stand up, sketches, wordplay,

and some big kind of song and dance number.

Certainly The Two Ronnies' format seemed to fit them

like a bespoke suit.

It highlighted brilliantly what they did brilliantly.

So, quick, simple set up and reverse, or set up and pay off gags,

with the news desk at the front.

-It's good to be back with you, isn't it?

-Yes, it is.

And in a packed programme tonight,

we shall be reading excerpts from the book written by a man

who tried to carry a refrigerator from Athens to Middlesbrough

and gave himself a hernia.

It's called A Fridge Too Far.

And then we hope to talk to Mr Tiny Adcock,

who's spent his entire working life in the circus

clearing up after the elephants.

He'll be telling us how as a child

he took his first steps in the business.

Reading news items, whoever came up with that is a genius.

You get to do pure jokes, you're looking straight to the camera,

they're just being themselves...

The number of times you sit in writers' meetings,

"Can we have something like that Two Ronnies thing

"where they just read those jokes? We just want to do jokes!"

It's very hard to find a way to do that.

And for me, the funniest thing about that

was seeing them trying not to laugh at each other,

and I think if you believe that the guys find each other funny,

you trust them a bit more.

-This is lovely.

-A nice, new desk.

Can't see that my feet don't touch the ground.

Can't see that my stomach does, for that matter.

The classic image is of the two of them, the two pairs of glasses,

the two slightly kind of garishly coloured suits,

and them behind the desk. In a way, it sort of ushered in a whole

generation of comedy that was a pastiche of news.

There's countless programmes that have done that,

and there's something about it immediately very familiar,

but it's probably them that actually started all that.

And Ronnie would have his shaggy dog story, which he's brilliant at.

He's fantastic. That was possibly my favourite part.

The old chair is a bit lumpy tonight.

I wish the producer wouldn't stand on it to clean the windows.

I suppose you're thinking, why is a BBC television producher...

Producher...

Why is he called a producher?

Well, he isn't usually, but why is a BBC television producer standing on a chair cleaning windows?

The answer is quite simple.

They won't buy him a ladder.

He'd sit down in that chair in his Pringle jumper and with his lovely,

beaming smile, he'd sort of rock back and forth and tell you the comedy story.

I remember thinking, any way I could clamber into the television and get on his knee?

The fun is in him never really arriving at the punchline,

or when he does, the punchline is largely irrelevant

because it's the endless digressions beforehand.

You see, she's got this insomnia, my wife.

She's got this insomnia.

That's not right. She's got this insomnia.

She's got that insomnia? Anyway.

She's got a bit of insomnia.

It doesn't make much difference, does it? Anyway, she's got insomnia.

Got this insomnia.

Or that insomnia. She's got it.

Can't bloody sleep.

This is it. This is the chair, this is the actual chair.

I say that because a lot of the time I turn up to places and they say,

"By the way, we've got your chair."

And I turn up and it's never the right one, but this, this is it.

I spent many comfortable minutes sitting in this,

blathering away words of Spike Mullins or David Renwick.

So it's a comfort to see it.

Just before the show started,

I was having a chat with the producer.

To be honest, we all draw lots before the programme

and the loser has a chat with the producer.

There's a sort of... There's a natural dignity to him.

He sits there and adjusts his glasses, he wears his Pringle sweater and he's talking.

But he seems to be constantly bullied by this unseen producer,

who seems to be constantly corralling him into doing things.

And he said, he said, "Why don't you tell that joke I told you about

"the lady with a little Continental car with the engine in the rear?"

I said, "Frankly, Terry,

"I don't really think it's all that funny."

He said, "Well, they loved it at the squash club."

"They love it at the squash club."

He belongs to this club.

Every Saturday night, they buy a bottle of squash.

LAUGHTER

He said, "If you know what's good for you, you'll do as you're told."

I always remember that from those sketches,

him talking about this producer who, you sense, is bullying Ronnie.

Even though Ronnie is clearly the star of the show.

And again, your knowledge of what Ronnie's like - your knowledge of him being smaller.

You imagine him being easily intimidated by a man

who has graciously given him a job at the BBC.

This seat, for example, I have to sit on.

It's getting more uncomfortable every week.

I told the producer this morning. I said, "I've had enough."

I said, "There's an awkward little lump in this chair."

He said, "Don't I know it!"

I said, "Now, look, there's no need for wit!

"That's not like you at all," I said.

"The solution is perfectly simple."

I said, "The cushion needs stuffing."

And his reply is in the hands of my solicitor.

It made me feel more comfortable sitting down

and, I think, the audience more settled and more at ease.

And, in an age when people talked about stand-up comedy,

there I was sitting down.

I think it made me feel quite relaxed, and the audience as well.

No tension. Just at my ease, as it were.

I must try tonight to stick to the point of the story. I must.

It keeps the producer happy and no one wants to make

life difficult, because he's still quite new to the show.

I don't want to speak too loudly in case we waken him up.

But our new producer is actually very good.

Apart from a rather shocking memory. He's got this terrible memory.

This afternoon he came up to me in the studio and he said,

"Excuse me, are you the fat one or the little one?"

I used to rock about like that or sit, blether away, chat away.

I've got nothing to say today, just, um...

..Sit here and feel isolated.

Do you know what I think Ronnie Corbett is the master of?

He's the master of a lot of subtlety.

If it's just a shifting in the chair, to a kind of hee-hee, before a word

is spoken, or the laughter he does,

which is just timed perfectly, to the kind of, you know, that.

It just works.

They're big glasses for a small person.

They did become very much part of him. Whether that was just because he needed the glasses, or whether

they were a good prop. He does play with them quite well, especially when he's doing

his little monologue and things.

It's not Ronnie Corbett without the glasses.

The glasses are a big part of him.

You can have these little moments that you fill by touching them.

Of course, it was convenient because Ronnie B was the same.

You know, we did things with them as we... They're just mannerisms.

I don't know if they add to the comedy or what.

The man who's considerate about his glasses, who has a methodology

in the way he adjusts them, suggests a certain...

There's something anal about it. There's something pedantic.

"Before I carry on, I've just got to adjust these glasses,

"because they need to be exactly right before I carry on talking."

I think it says a lot. It's a great comic device.

At last we come to the funny bit I was telling you about.

I am on a train to Biggleswade and we'd been going on for quite a time when I happened to say

to the ticket collector, "How long is it before we get to Biggleswade?" He said, "It's about ten minutes."

I said, "Oh good, because I'm getting off there."

He said, "Do you mind if I watch?"

He said, "Because I've never seen anyone get off a train going at 90 miles an hour!"

I really enjoy watching Ronnie Corbett when he plays

working-class characters, because he doesn't patronise them.

He doesn't necessarily play them purely as an underdog.

He doesn't play them in a whimsical way.

He plays them in a quite robust, unapologetic way,

which I really like.

BELL RINGS

Four candles.

Four candles.

There you are. Four candles.

No. Four candles.

There you are, four candles.

No. FORK HANDLES - handles for forks.

It was originally based on a man who had a hardware shop,

writing to Ron and saying,

"Somebody came in yesterday and asked for four candles.

"And, you know, I gave him four candles."

"No, not four candles, FORK HANDLES. Handles for forks."

That actually happened to somebody.

From that, Ron developed it and all the other stuff, so it was lovely.

Got any plugs?

Plugs?

-What kind of plugs?

-Rubber one, bathroom.

-What size?

-13 Amp.

It's electric plug - electric bathroom plugs, you call them in the trade.

Electric bathroom plugs.

Brilliant at getting...

double, triple jokes are beyond the words, just with his looks.

Like, a couple of times he will go,

"Plugs, right." He'll walk off.

You can hear the audience laughing.

To get another laugh, he'll just come back and stare at Ronnie and go...

And go off again.

Well, it's simply acting the role

as seriously and in depth as you can imagine.

How annoying it would be

for a sort of hooligan workman like Ronnie B with his woollen hat on

to be annoying me with these indefinite requests

and confusing orders and walking up and down, having to go

right up to the top of the ladder,

come down and get the box and find it's the wrong one. Go up again.

It's easy to be perpetually annoyed. That's what it was all about.

You make it very, very real.

Because it's based on puns, isn't it?

-I know.

-It could be unreal.

That's right. He sort of wanted to be patient, tolerant,

because it was a bit of business.

The man was going to order plugs and he was going to order this and that.

He was quite a good customer, though annoying to get to the, and 'ose.

He was spending a bit of money although it was taking him a long time to get the accurate things.

-Got any 'oes?

-'Oes?

-'Oes.

No, 'ose.

'Ose!

I thought you meant 'oes!

'Ose.

'Ose! You say 'oes. You should have said 'ose.

You meant 'ose. There we are.

No. 'Ose.

'Ose! Oh, you mean pantyhose. Pantyhose.

No, Os. Os for the gate.

Mon Repose. Os.

-Letter Os.

-Letter Os.

MUMBLES

Ronnie Corbett absolutely made that sketch.

It would have been nothing without.

You would have got a joke initially from four candles, fork handles, and maybe hoes, Os.

And then after that, you'd go, "Yeah, all right, I get the point."

If anyone was to hear it now, "Yeah, OK, I really think they should have

"cut this sketch by now, it's really repetitive. We know what's going on."

But he just builds on it so subtly and so cleverly so, by...

I don't know, a tin of peas or wherever we've got to,

Ronnie Corbett's going, "I thought you said Ps."

He's started doing the muttering.

And then the up the ladder, down the ladder, just perfect timing.

-How many do you want?

-Two.

-Two.

All right?

-Yeah, next?

-Got any Ps?

For God's sake, why didn't you bleeding tell me that when I'm up the stairs?

I've been up the stairs already... I'm up and down the shop all the time.

I haven't got any help today...

HE CONTINUES MUTTERING

How many do you want?

No, tins of peas.

Three tins of peas.

You're having me on, aren't you? You're having me on, eh?

Ronnie's a really good actor. He is.

That's why he can play all those kinds of parts convincingly.

When he was in Sorry,

which I find incredibly...

Looking at it now, it's such a dark programme, really depressing in a way, but funny.

This little man trapped with this monstrous woman.

You're not going anywhere without a decent meal inside you.

-Mother, I shall be late.

-You are a growing boy.

I'm not a growing boy.

I'm 40 years old, Mother.

What you see is all you're going to get.

It was about this 41-year-old boy who lives at home with his mother -

Barbara Lott - no longer with us, sadly.

And his dad.

And was sort of mother-dominated, but impudent nevertheless,

and trying to get a romance going in his life,

and running about everywhere on his Vespa with his hard hat.

It was a delight to do.

-All we want is to be alone, Jennifer and I.

-And then what?

Can she sew? Can she wash?

Can she even cook like I can?

Yes, she can, but she's promised not to.

He's effectively this man-child who wants to be grown-up

and respected in the world and he's having this constant tussle

with his mother and stuff and you think, that's a very kind of,

almost, that's like an adolescent thing that we all go through.

So, to see this man having this very adolescent problem is very funny.

It's kind of a one off in a way really.

I don't think anyone else could have quite pulled it off, in a way.

It's so perfect for him.

I sort of fully accepted him as this kind of put upon man with an overbearing mother.

It didn't feel like a kind of... It didn't feel one note.

It felt... I believed it.

"The Nuzfaz of Mudgard, an epic novel by Matt Rampage,

"29 Ravenscroft Avenue."

Matt Rampage! That's you, isn't it?

Possibly.

"Volume the first,

"in which Hunkin and Gandabolt travel to the Land Of Growlox."

GROLLOCKS, Mother!

-Language, Timothy!

-Sorry, Father.

"Language, Timothy!"

One of my favourite catchphrases of any comedy show ever.

I am my age. Goodness me!

I'm 43 and three quarters.

I am mature, assertive and decisive.

And, to prove it, when I want a biscuit, I have a biscuit.

Leave those biscuits alone, Timothy!

He just represents years and years of...

kind of, great British comedy.

It's like we want to bring him in the fraternity.

We want to welcome in the gang of at least...

A feeling like we're kind of a new generation and saying...

but, he's always welcome.

He's sort of part of the gang.

-Andy.

-What are you doing?

Come in here. It's all kicking off in here. Come in here.

I had a message saying would I ring Ricky.

I rang him and said, "This is very exciting, what's this all about?"

He said, "You don't know what I want you to do yet."

SNIFFING

-Who's that?

-Oh, hi!

How are you doing, all right?

Who's the most unlikely person to be doing cocaine in the toilets

at the Baftas? Ronnie Corbett.

It's brilliant, it's genius.

It's a credit to Ronnie that he did it and wasn't freaked out by the idea. It's quite a serious thing.

It's a criminal act!

-Yeah, he's one of us, don't worry.

-I'm not into this.

The idea of us...

Where did we become friends?

How are we mates? Why are we sneaking around in the toilets?

Which one of us said to the other one, "Oi, let's pop to the bogs. I've got a little bit of...?"

No, it's all right. Just have a little bit. It will cheer you up.

What's going on in there?

IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: I'm just finishing up, excuse me for five minutes.

-Why are you putting on this voice?

-How many people are in there?

One.

That's a different voice.

Two, including the woman you just heard.

Open the door.

We didn't think it would be funny to see him chopping up lines.

It's never entirely clear what we're up to in there but, you know,

it's obvious that it's nefarious.

Let me explain, I was in here and I was leaving and he put his...

That's my agent. Darren Lamb.

Nice to meet you. You shouldn't say your name.

Never tell them your name.

Well, he knows who...

It's just absolutely extraordinary.

When I was watching this, I couldn't believe

they got him to do it. And to commit to it so wholeheartedly.

Then there's also the clear comic potential of just having he and I

on screen together, being obviously so very different in size.

'There's a little visual homage to that classic sketch.

'I look up to him because he's upper-class.'

It was your fault.

-Why was it my fault?

-Because they saw your head over the cubicle door.

They saw your head under the cubicle door. There's no point in arguing amongst ourselves.

-Well, well, The Three Stooges.

-Ha-ha!

-Sorry, is something funny?

-Your joke...

-Shut up!

Corbett.

It's always bloody Corbett.

See, I expect it of him.

But you, you're the new kid on the block.

-How did you fall in with this crowd?

-I-I...

Is this it or is there any more?

Just a bit of wizz, you know, to blow away the cobwebs.

Hand it over.

"It's just a little bit of wizz to blow away the cobwebs."

I just remember us falling about at that - just being so excited that he said it.

Just a bit of wizz, you know, to blow away the cobwebs.

I'm so sorry!

Just a bit of wizz, you know, to blow away the cobwebs.

-Hand it over.

-RICKY SNIGGERS

Just a little whizz to blow away the cobwebs, you know.

RICKY GIGGLES

I laughed at "whizz," because he put an H in. I laughed at "whizz".

Very funny.

It's not an attempt to be silly, or comic, or fool...

It's the dignified man again.

It's Ronnie Corbett, the man who's an institution,

a much-loved member of the British comic fraternity.

Like a little naughty schoolboy, caught by a headmaster.

You're banned from Bafta.

You can never win a Bafta now.

-What, me as well?

-Yeah, all of you.

You can never attend any of our varied events.

You can't come to the Film Baftas, you can't come to the TV Baftas.

You can't even come to the Children's Baftas.

What about the Welsh Baftas?

Would you attend the Welsh Baftas if you were asked?

-Probably.

-OK, expect a call.

He clearly loves the new stuff that's coming out

and it gives us an insight into his sense of humour probably being a bit darker than we all thought.

He understands how schtick works better than probably most

of the people he's working with, because he's been doing it for so long.

You know, that's his strength.

That scene is a very good example of how he's adapted and embraced

the kind of...

I guess the new direction essentially that comedy has gone in.

-What are you doing here?

-Don't say you don't remember me, darling.

Oh, he's always been so naughty with his jokey jokies.

It's me, darling, Bubbles!

-We met at Phil Cool's.

-I've never met him.

Phil Cool, you must know Philly Cool.

-No, I don't know him.

-That's right, leave the little people behind.

Well, what are we waiting for? Champagne, champagne for everyone.

Bubbles' world is Monte Carlo...

-Yes, it was beautiful.

-..and glamour.

And we thought you fitted into that world perfectly.

It was great we eventually got to do a sketch...

Lovely! In that lovely house on the Riviera. Yes, it was very lovely.

Ever since I saw you as Timothy Lumsden on Sorry, I knew I had to have you.

Just bloody leave!

Language, Timothy!

I remember when we did the rehearsal, the first rehearsal,

you came in and you started reading it. I was so thrilled.

I could not believe that you were reading words that me and Matt had written.

I was so thrilled. I just couldn't contain my excitement.

Even though I was in the scene, you know,

in a subsidiary role as a butler, I didn't want to be in this.

I just wanted to watch you do it.

Oh, gosh! It was very flattering to be invited. It was fun.

# Everything about you is so sexy

# You don't even know what you've got

# Mr Ronnie Corbett Oh, yeah, yeah. #

Well, it was just very...

Quite flattering and tempting to be wooed and vamped by Bubbles.

I mean just for a laugh, perfectly lovely.

There was no shortage of men who would have happily stood in your shoes that day.

No, absolutely. Absolutely!

It's a physical thing as well, because Bubbles is so big

and you were, sort of, breast height, weren't you?

That's right. That's right.

# And work it a little Get hot just a little

# And meet in the middle

# Let go just a little bit more

# Give me just a little bit more. #

A bit more!

Monsieur, the police will be here in five minutes.

Could they make it ten?

I did feel very naughty that we'd reduced you to that

and when I was trying to seduce you, I thought, "Oh my God, this man has worked with much better people."

And here we are - here I am dressed as this big fat woman.

We brought to down to our level.

Lovely, very flattered to be included.

We were grateful as well, so thank you.

Different teams of people have all had a bit of Ronnie and wanted

to work with him, and that's a great testament to his talent.

You can fit into our world as well.

That's still happening now. That tells you how good he is.

You've been doing something with Lloyd Drewitt, haven't you?

What was it? A comedy drama?

We did a thing called Love Soup, which was...

-Not been out yet?

-No.

The BBC still have to show it, I think, to their kitchen staff,

before we can get a final transmission date.

-Basically, Ronnie was playing an actor/director...

-Yes.

..who as an actor, does ordinary, very, very comic...

Comic, yes. I was a sort of character comedian as an actor.

But as a director, just very, very serious, arty,

very serious, very worthy plays.

This was about necrophilia, wasn't it?

Stefan's written this play that I'm directing at the Royal Court

next week, the subject matter of which might raise a few eyebrows.

-Controversial?

-Well, let's say morally challenging.

It's about necrophilia.

So, when you came to see me in the pantomime...

and I came in with that extraordinary camp outfit,

which, incidentally, I had worn in Bromley in pantomime.

He brought his own gear with him. We, sort of, hadn't seen it.

So, I'm doing very little acting at that point because it was me going...

Extraordinary. You did look extraordinary.

-I did look extraordinary.

-Especially with the cigar.

With the cigar, yes!

It was very good. It was lovely to do, actually.

I enjoyed it very much.

We know Ronnie. We see him.

That's one side of him that we think he is. Then you get him playing these characters as well.

That's when the edges are blurred and it becomes very interesting.

You just think, you're getting a character that's talking about necrophilia.

You'd never have had that in The Two Ronnies.

But he is Ronnie Corbett. That's what's great.

You're rubbing a lot of strange edges together because he's playing with

a side of him - the light entertainment side -

dragging it in through a door into something a bit darker.

That's delicious.

The man's the age that he is and he's still interested

in all of these people coming up with the new traditions of comedy.

Matt and David have come up with this idea, The One Ronnie,

very much in the style of The Two Ronnies.

So, I got out my um...

What, your magic wand?

-No, I got out my, um...

-Your turkey baster!

-No, I got out my...

-Tiny mind.

No, I got out my ladder, didn't I?

Oh, your ladder!

He's still sharp.

-He's still got what it takes.

-He can still do it.

You can still put him at the centre of a show and he will deliver.

I keep fitter than you think.

To be honest, I have my own treadmill at home.

I'm only doing widths at the moment.

Matt and David came up with the idea

and put it to the BBC that would it be an idea

to celebrate my birthday by doing a sketch-type show

casting today's current crop of sketch performers?

# Can't you hear those cavalry drums?

# Hijacking your equilibrium... #

I did a great sketch where I played Dr Frankenstein

and he was my little Frankenstein's monster who was too nice.

What's wrong with being nice?

You're not supposed to be nice! You're a monster!

You're supposed to spend your time terrifying people,

not indulging your passion for interior design.

-Are you still upset about the curtains?

-Yes, I'm still upset about the curtains.

You're a rubbish monster!

Once you've got over that sort of awestruck feeling that,

"Oh, my goodness me, that's Ronnie Corbett."

Once you get past that, Ronnie's actually so supportive and calming,

I think, to fellow performers, that you just feel at your ease and everything runs sort of beautifully.

You really do enjoy whatever it is you're doing.

-You've just returned from the North Pole.

-Yes, indeed.

It was absolutely freezing.

He just strikes me as a man who brings nothing but affection -

affection follows him round.

That's rare, that's very rare,

particularly in show business.

I said show business then like I was doing one of his monologues.

"Particularly show business."

# To-ra, lam-ah, lam-ah To-ra, lam-ah, lam-ah

# Too-ra lie ay

# Any umbrellas, any umbrellas to mend today?

# Bring your parasol It may be small, it may be big

# He repairs them all With what they call a thingamajig

# Pitter patter Pitter patter

# It looks like rain... #

He's right up there. He's top of his game.

Still a funny man. When you look back as all the shows he's done,

he's a great comedic character.

Some comedy like the Two Ronnies,

some comedy just stays funny for ever.

It's kind of almost timeless in a way.

It never dates.

You're nuts, my lord.

In the end, just the good stuff remains.

That's the case with that.

The reason he's still here is because it's good.

It was never because it was voguish or trendy or cool or cutting edge.

It was just good.

# ..I used to walk in the shade

-# With the blues on parade

-Blues on parade

# But I'm not afraid

# I'm crossing over And walking in clovers

# If I never had a cent I'd be rich as Rockefeller

# With gold dust at my feet

# On the sunny side... #

People get called national treasures, don't they? Much too easily.

But he most definitely is one.

He's one of things that makes being British good.

# ..The sunny side of the street. #

Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, Ronnie Corbett.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ronnie Corbett, and his lovely wife, Anne.

Come up, Anne.

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