Kellie: The Girl Who Played with Fire

On the day of my accident, I was playing shopping.

I was here as a two-year-old child playing with the steering wheel, the lights, the horn.

She just pretended she was driving.

And I decided that I'd lock the doors,

then I got the wonderful idea that I'd take out the cigarette lighter

and I dropped it on the seat.

I was looking out the window

and I've seen the car looked a bit odd.

When the car set on fire,

the roof material actually fell down on top of me

and I covered my face with my hands to save my eyes.

So I ran in and got a chair and I ran out, broke the window.

My mother couldn't actually recognise me as a human being.

That's how changed my body was.

What was going through my mind was, "Is my little baby going to die now in my arms?"

'I'm Kellie O'Farrell.

'I've grown up on a farm in Ireland with my dad, my brothers,

'my mum and my little dog Susie.

'We're a close family and I've always felt loved and protected here,

'but everything is about to change.

'I'm leaving the safety of my home behind to start a new life,

'a life all on my own in London.

'Following the accident, I needed years and years of treatment.'

It looks a bit weird, doesn't it?

-'My mother became my nurse.'

-This is what you had to wear for two years.

A pressure garment is solely to flatten the skin after burns and after skin grafts.

And that's why I wore them.

If I didn't wear the pressure garment,

-you'd see all the joining marks on my face.

-Yeah.

-You can see none of them.

Rather than having to drive Kellie or to have Kellie to go up every day to Dublin,

it was better that I started doing her dressings here in the house

because it would have worn Kellie out, it would have worn everybody out.

But I think that just shows... when we're talking here,

I was the one that got burnt, but it wasn't just my issue. It affects everyone.

You forgot about your own life completely

and you spent your time just nursing me better.

Kellie, you were my daughter.

I know, but you...

That is a mother's role to look after their children as best they can.

But it wasn't for one year. It was for years.

Yeah, but I had my health to do it and I was quite happy. I was quite happy to do it for you, Kellie.

I am sorry to have put you through...

-Kellie, don't say that.

-..what I did, you know?

-Don't say that.

-I do think about how much hassle I was to rear.

You weren't a hassle. It was just a little bit different.

But it must have been so boring and agonising on you.

It used to make me so happy to see you improving all the time.

And that was enough for me, Kellie.

-You know, that's enough for a mother.

-Yeah.

'After the fire, I was taken to the Children's Hospital in Dublin.

'It became my second home.'

-There used to be a fish tank through here.

-There still is.

'Today, I'm back to have one last look around before I leave for London.'

I remember walking along these corridors and putting my hands on these blue railings,

but I was so small that I used to have to put up my hands to feel them

and now I have to put down my hand.

It's like I have to bend down.

'Mr Naidu performed most of the surgery that put me back together after my accident.'

The whole of the face, except the eyelids, is burnt and dead,

so we have removed that and grafted with a thin skin graft, all the face in one stage.

And my fingers, would some of the tops of my fingers have just been gone

or would they still have been there?

-They were actually burnt out.

-So they were just gone.

-The nail beds were also burnt out.

This hand is most severely affected.

One bone is missing. This joint is OK.

The whole thing is missing here, the little finger.

-And I've one nail.

-Out of the five, there is only one nail.

-One nail.

Her hands were like spades, just in a straight position.

-Your joints were not bending.

-They were fused.

-Yeah.

So she learnt how to hold small things - knife, fork and other things.

I remember it was so unusual that I was able to dress my Barbies.

I was able to draw a picture. I was able to use a knife to eat.

If I couldn't drive and eat and write and dress myself,

I would be a lot... a lot more worried than I would be about my face.

That's the biggest achievement.

When I saw Kellie first, I didn't think she was badly burnt.

To look at her the first couple of days, you wouldn't think she was badly burnt,

-but after three or four days, you would know it then. You would see the full...

-Her face went black.

If you ever heard of anybody praying...

I said more prayers than half the priests in Ireland ever said at them times.

I'd say I did. That she'd live and that... I had two to worry about - Kellie and Caroline.

You're worried about your child, about your wife.

You've another child at home and you're worried about him.

You don't know what to say, you don't know where to turn.

The only person I could turn to was God. That's the only one I could see that would help me.

I think, as a child, you don't question medical treatment.

You just go through it, it becomes normal.

If you have a strong family, it's that much easier, as I had.

A child plays and adjusts. A child can be happy even though they're in pain.

Sometimes I'd dream that when I'd wake up, that Kellie would be perfect

and that it was only a dream and I was so relieved...

When I wake up now, I'm going to be so relieved that her accident was only a dream.

But then I'd wake up and I'd realise that that nightmare actually did happen.

-Do you understand?

-Oh, yeah, I understand that, yeah.

Every time I was in hospital, I would visit the church a few times throughout my stay.

My mother would come to Mass on Sundays here cos she'd stay in the parents' accommodation.

I remember thinking my name could have been in that book.

I remember my mother used to stop at it and she might say a prayer.

I always remember her telling me,

"Kellie, the kids in this book died and you didn't. You're very lucky.

"They've all gone to Heaven and they're now with God and they're happy with their guardian angels."

But I always remember thinking, "My name could have been in one of those books."

'When I first came out of hospital, my mother didn't hide me away.

'She brought me out to our local village for everyone to see.'

-Kellie, long time no see! What can we do for you?

-I need papers.

-Buy the shop off me.

-I will.

-I'm here to sell.

-Everything?

-Everything.

-Make me a bargain I can't refuse.

-I will.

He has known me all my life. He has. He has.

She was always outgoing. She was never timid,

which I think again is great credit to her family,

and her immediate family, that she was so outgoing. She was never afraid to show the scars.

I'm very well known round Granard.

-There was no sympathy ever for you...

-No.

..in a mushy sort of way, if you know what I mean.

That sort of toughened you up to say, "Right, move on, keep going.

"Back there is history. Confine it to the old books. Tomorrow is where you've got to be."

-That's the only way to think.

-It's the only way.

-See ya!

-Good luck, Kellie.

'Everyone in Granard always accepted me for how I looked,

'but when I left to start primary school, things got harder.'

Every game I was excluded from,

every game I was the one that was picked on to get the worst position or excluded.

Every day, someone said something to hurt my feelings.

That's because I looked different

and children don't understand

how their actions are affecting the person.

'Now I'm looking towards my future.'

-That's a nice cardigan, Kellie.

-Isn't it?

-Yeah.

'So it's time to pack up my things and get ready for the big move.'

-It's a lovely colour. I love the sleeves.

-Yeah, it's lovely on.

-Why don't you wear that?

-I haven't had the opportunity.

-Ah, go on. I like to see you dressed up.

When I dress up, and I know that sounds awfully big-headed of me,

but I feel great when I like my outfit and I say, "I do look well today, don't I?" Do you know, and...

-I like to hear that, Kellie.

-I think I have a slight shopping addiction.

-I think a lot of women have.

The thing about a student, you have to buy sensibly.

I've seen lovely, dressy wedges, but I said to myself, "Where will I be able to wear them?"

So I went for casual ones.

There!

'Leaving the security of home behind isn't easy,

'but it's time to start making my own way in the world.

'So I've come to London to study for a masters degree.'

It's now the end of September and I've actually arrived.

I'm here. This is English soil.

I'm feeling really, really excited because it feels like I can be anyone or anything.

It's like I'm nobody. I've no identity here. I can be anyone.

In Ireland, I was Kellie, the girl in the accident, and I was under a certain amount of constraints

because everybody knew who I was, but here, it's like I can be anyone and anything,

and not have to act or be any way at all.

It's very, very, very daunting at the same time, so...here goes.

Of course, my dad has rung me three times since I've exited the plane.

I'd say they're probably sadder than I am.

I'd say they're probably really lonely tonight, thinking,

"Oh, God, there's our little girl gone out into the world."

'I'll be living in Lewisham, south-east London.'

This is my new room.

That's a very small wardrobe.

I'm nearly bigger than that wardrobe. That's how small that is. But it'll do the job.

I want a roof over my head and it's a short distance to the college. What more could you want?

It's...um...

It's not home.

Yeah, it surely isn't home.

'I've been to London before, but never dreamt I'd be living here on my own.

'The city is huge and completely crazy.'

They're everywhere!

Because I've come from my happy family, my nice friends, my happy life in Ireland,

going around, doing well, doing this, that and the other, you know, happiness,

and now I'm in London, it's very strange, very new.

I would be lying if I didn't say I'm not terrified.

'I'm studying at Goldsmiths College and it's Freshers' Week.

'This is my first chance to meet the other students.'

-I'm Kellie, by the way.

-I'm Jenny.

-Lovely to meet you.

Hello. So what do you do, anyway?

Sorry. Excuse me.

Thank you.

-I'm Kellie, by the way.

-Hello. Nice to meet you.

-What's your name?

-I'm Leah.

-Saz.

-Oh, cool name.

-Huh?

I feel like I'm really trying to push myself to be really friendly

and communicate with people and get to know them.

Obviously, that is harder because I have a disfigurement,

so automatically, people are going to be that little bit shier of me.

It's not easy what I'm doing.

It's not easy going in, you know, "Hello, I'm Kellie," being really kind of jolly and outgoing.

'It's a skill I've had to perfect over time.'

-I'm Kellie, by the way.

-Nice to meet you.

-What's your name?

-Will.

-Will.

-I'm Paddy.

-Paddy.

-We can connect. Why not?

-We can.

'Even though I'm surrounded by thousands of people here,

'I don't really know anyone.'

I think it's going to take time. It's not going to happen overnight.

-Lovely to meet you, ladies.

-Lovely to meet you as well. Bye.

Because I look the way I do,

feeling different from people my own age is something I've known all my life.

I've always felt that I've never mashed in

or meshed in with young people's way of thinking.

I've never had this flimsy youngness, I don't think, really.

At times, I felt I couldn't connect with people.

Sometimes, at 22, I feel like I shouldn't have had the experiences that I have,

that I have an insight to life that's probably too much for my age.

I feel like I've lived for 40 years, rather than 22 years, and sometimes I feel old.

Let me keep on going through who's doing what.

'I'm studying Journalism and today I've been given my first assignment.'

CHANTING: No ifs, no buts, no education cuts!

'I'm making a news piece about the student protest and my classmate David is the reporter.

'I'm finally doing what I've always wanted to do and I'm desperate for it to go well.'

-Go ahead.

-You haven't even got the top of my head.

-Because you moved the camera.

-Oh, right. OK.

Now, don't move it again, David.

The protest has moved in beside the LSE now. We've got quite a big turnout. No police as of yet.

But we're hoping that it'll go fairly...

No, no, fuck that.

OK, you can leave it at that.

Just a bit crass, isn't it?

We've got quite a lot of police, but no trouble, really. That's about it, really. No, no, no.

-You're going to have to talk louder, David.

-What am I supposed to do?

I can't eat the thing, can I?

Oh, God.

-Kellie...

-Yeah?

-You're supposed to be holding the top of the camera in case it falls off.

-But I can't.

Seriously, safety is the number one thing and you just keep ignoring it.

Well, then you lift it so...

Well, why don't... You should have just asked.

Just look around and ask yourself, "How am I going to fuck this up?"

I've never done camera work before, so I didn't really technically know what I was doing.

I was just seeing what worked.

I have intervened a few times, but it's just purely for safety.

It's not an expression of a lack of confidence.

When you're with someone that's more experienced than you, they're picking on your flaws constantly.

That got very frustrating at times.

I would say that she's very good with people. People respond very well to her.

She has a lack of confidence, but that will improve with time.

'At the university, I'm friendly with some of the girls on my course.

'They're from all over the world and it's great getting to know them.'

My mum and my aunt have their eyes tattooed. They get up in the morning and they have make-up already.

-I don't think I'd get a tattoo. Would you get tattoos? You probably have tattoos.

-No, I don't.

You have tattoos.

But because you're all naturally good-looking girls, do you use your looks to help you get on

or achieve something? Do you find that your looks help?

I don't want to lie. Looks are important.

We live in a society that wants to see beautiful stuff.

I don't think about it, but when you get to see people that are disabled or different than you,

you take a chance and think about it and you maybe think, if that happened to you, what would you do?

I think it would be devastating because it's not normal.

None of you ever asked what happened to me. No-one in the class asked me.

I didn't feel comfortable asking you about it. I still don't feel comfortable.

I've never met anyone else who has been a burn victim or has...

I don't think I've ever met anyone who has been disabled.

-I felt extremely ashamed of myself.

-Why?

I remember I had some skin problems

and I was making such a big problem out of it.

I was so depressed and I almost didn't want to go out because of that.

I was putting on all that make-up and stuff. Then I met you.

And I had a moment when I said, "Oh, my God.

"Oh, my God!" I mean...

You know, just surviving, like moving on?

Because if I were you, I don't think I would move on...ever.

For me, spots were never a priority, so I never thought about them.

For me, a spot was a very small thing.

I'm sorry, OK? It'll go away. Clean your face and it'll heal.

I mean, it depends from person to person.

When someone tells me that they'd find it very hard to live like me, looking the way I do...

..I kind of think... You automatically think it's bad.

Like because, OK, yes,

living with burns or disfigurement is very, very hard, OK?

There's no point lying about it. It's hard.

But just because it's hard doesn't mean it's bad or horrible or sad.

'Someone who really gets that is my old friend Becs.

'She was born with Crouzon syndrome and we met through a charity for people with disfigurements.

'We hit it off straight away.'

-Did you see how big her boobs were?

-Two big bowling balls.

-She looked fine before she had any of that done.

-She was a pretty girl.

-Pretty natural, normal.

-If you're having those big balloons put into you, you need curves to match it all.

-It's all so wrong.

For the last 22 years of my life, I've been in and out of hospital, trying to correct my face.

And no matter how many operations I have, people still stare at me.

It's so enraging that we can't just be accepted as who we are.

-You just walk out the front door and someone's gawping at you.

-"What, have I something stuck on my head?"

-As well as staring, they shout things at you as well.

-I don't like that.

All those really bad words which aren't very nice. It's very upsetting.

And the way they say it with that sort of angry voice.

They say things like "you shouldn't have been born" and stuff like that.

You think, "That's really harsh!"

And when they use the word "freak", that's really mean.

I would never... I have never in my entire life jeered at someone.

I sort of just stare at them back, really hard back, and then they get a bit... "Oh, my God!"

-You do a vicious stare?

-No, I don't do vicious. I sort of go...

-I can't really do it until I'm in the situation.

-Do it to me.

There we are. That's why we're still friends.

That man's really in the spirit. He's got a bandana. Oh, my goodness!

Oh, dear.

It just ain't working.

-I can't get it.

-There's always next time.

-Next time, exactly.

-We're done.

-We're done.

We have to walk it. I'm sorry.

'It's coming up to the end of term and today we have to produce a live studio show,

'but the weather's against us.

'Adrian is the director, David is news editor and I'm the presenter.

'I thought David was finding the guests for me to interview, but there's been a mix-up.'

-He's not there now. It's too late.

-OK, we'll have to run with the Noel Clarke interview.

-Your guest couldn't come?

-Well, the problem is that he doesn't know yet because of the transport problems.

'I now desperately need to find my back-up guest or the whole show is ruined.'

I'm wondering if you're still available for the interview?

I didn't know with the weather if we were going to be able to do what we had planned to do.

Around two o'clock? Would that be OK, Father?

Oh, I will!

-Oh, he's coming. I've found him.

-He is coming?

Philip, all is saved.

We've found a priest.

I never wanted a priest so much in all my life!

'With my guest in place, we're ready to roll.'

-To which camera?

-Look for the red light.

-Camera One.

-What? That's Camera One?

'It's all completely new to me and I've got no idea what I'm doing.'

-Say "thank you".

-Thank you.

-Not now, but say, "Thank you very much, now go back to Philip."

-Thank you very much...

-Not yet. When I say "go". Ready?

-We don't have the script.

-We have no script.

-No.

Are we ready, Adrian?

OK, guys, read it again from the beginning.

Now we'll talk about a slightly different project. We have Father Brendan in the studio.

But the Pope focuses on male prostitutes. Should this not be for everyone? It affects men and women.

-The same measures?

-I'm not sure of the exact context in which the Pope was speaking.

Thank you, Father, very much for coming into the studio.

Now something of a different nature.

'Today is not my day.'

-WHISPERING:

-Eileen, Eileen! Get me my wire, my wire!

This could not possibly happen to anyone else.

Oh, my God!

You're destroying my set.

I'm so annoyed.

-I was too rough on you, David. Sorry. I was freaking, "Oh, my God, it's all ruined!"

-I'm used to it.

'My first term has been harder than I'd hoped.

'Sometimes I feel a long way from home.

'My mother would be very nervous of me walking in a dark area

'in the middle of London.

'My mother thinks that I can just get off the bus, put my key in the door and walk in my front door

'which, unfortunately, in reality, I can't.

'London can be quite scary at this time of night.'

Yes, darlin'!

Eh?

Yes, darlin'!

I have to make this four-minute walk in this lonely street on my own. I don't have a choice.

And it's frightening.

There's all these hidden little areas and it's dark and quiet. I just don't like it at all.

I don't like it at all.

I live with six other people, but there's often no-one around when I get home.

They all keep themselves to themselves, so it can feel lonely.

I'm also having to get used to lots of house rules.

There's cleaning rotas, laundry timetables

and all sorts of other instructions which are really annoying.

My new life here has been tougher than I'd imagined.

I didn't expect the workload to be this intense.

I've had no social life since I came to London. None.

I don't have the time for a social life. I don't have the time to go to a show or to the cinema.

I don't have the time to go out.

And to make matters worse, I've had some devastating news.

One of the flatmates told me that when I first arrived,

a particular couple in the house made a comment about my appearance which wasn't nice.

They told me that in confidence yesterday.

I was really, really annoyed.

I'm saying to myself, "How dare you judge me before you know me?"

They judged me on my face.

I could have walked in and said,

"You're a small man. Oh, God, isn't that so funny?" But I didn't.

I don't judge someone based on how they look.

But it's nothing new to me. That's what it's like to live in my world. You're laughed at.

That's not... Like, since I was two, that's... It's not new to me in my life.

That's the way it is.

'Term's finally over and it's time to head back to Ireland for Christmas.

'I'm desperate to see my family.'

Whoo!

How lovely to see you.

How are you doin'? Ahh.

-You look brilliant.

-Is that a new scarf? Haven't seen that one before.

-No.

Why aren't you in school?

-I gave him the day off.

-You gave him the day off? Ha!

Oh, home!

I have arrived! I'm back!

The prodigal child is back!

How is my little darling?

Ahhh.

A big, dirty paw for me. That's lovely.

She looks sad while you're away, Kellie.

Mammy's cooking! 20 days of Mammy's cooking! Heaven!

I can't wait to start it!

So you like your course, Kellie?

-I love it, love it.

-That's what's important.

I've missed your sparkle.

Aww!

So I did.

'I'm heading now to find my dad.

'He's a farmer and he spends every waking hour working on the farm.'

Here's the man himself! Daddy!

-So how's the work going, Daddy?

-All right.

-Yeah?

I'm just checking the cattle.

God, they're not very big for all the feeding they're getting!

Yes.

-That's the one with the horn there that you wanted to sell.

-That one?

-That one there.

-So that's my one?

-With the horn. That's your cash flow.

-Now you eat lots and get really, really fat.

When I was about nine, Daddy brought up my first heifer on his shoulders as my birthday present.

That was the first ever cattle I owned. From then on, she got sold and I got money.

And I gave him...not even quarter of what I was meant to!

And he gives me another big one!

-Good business for her, not for me!

-It's bought me a lot of handbags and shoes! A lot of holidays!

It keeps her happy, so it does.

Oh, when I was small, I used to feed them late at night. A cow stuck its head out and licked me.

Ever since then I've been terrified of them. When you're three and something like that licks you,

it scars you for life!

Oh, it's good to be back. The smell.

I actually miss this smell. You never get this in London.

All you see are, like, fire engines, ambulances, police cars.

People everywhere.

-You should marry a farmer.

-I don't know about that now!

-I could live with a farmer.

-You always said you'd live in a city.

So that came as no surprise to me.

-I'm a city girl.

-You're a city girl. You like the life in the cities.

-I like...

-You like shops beside you.

-And I'm the complete opposite to that.

-I couldn't drag you...

-I couldn't live in the city.

-You couldn't survive in the city.

-No.

-One day in the year to go to Dublin is enough for him.

-Yeah.

-Even at that, he'd try to run away.

-I can understand it totally.

Kellie likes to have a chance to get on with her chances in life.

Out here, you don't get many chances out in the country.

Kellie knows that herself.

Being young, I want to live in a city where there's hustle and bustle and things going on, people.

Weird and wonderful exciting madness. Not that I'm that crazy or anything, but...

-I want to experience a bit of that life now.

-Is it hard, though, not to have her around?

-It's hard, yes.

-Aw, so you do miss me? You do. I know he does.

Look at him.

Aww.

He really does miss me.

All right, Dylan. Let's see these birthday presents.

'Dylan turned 11 in October. It's the first time I've not been here for his birthday.'

-Are you glad I'm back?

-Yeah.

-Aww.

At school I was saying to everyone, "My sister's coming back!"

-I was begging Mammy to get off school cos I really wanted to come.

-Aww, thank you, pet.

I missed you, too.

-Promise to come to London in the summer?

-Definitely.

-We'll go to Legoland. Me and you, Legoland.

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-That's everything.

-That's everything.

-You've so much toys, Dylan.

-I'm glad you're back.

Aww, I'm glad to see you too, pet.

-I just miss everything about you.

-Aw, Dylan!

-In your room, it's so...

-You go to my room and there's no one there?

-No one's in there.

-I'm usually in there.

Yeah.

-Ah, I have to go off to college, Dylan, though.

-I know.

Ah, finally!

I really felt upset when Dylan told me he missed me and he wished I didn't go.

That really hurt me because Dylan's only 11.

And I've gone now to London, potentially for a few years, probably to work after my Master's.

So I don't want to be the sister that gets forgotten.

I don't want to be the sister that my little brother says, "I have an older sister,

"but she left when I was a child."

Initially, I promised Dylan I'd be home every month. He thought he'd see me three times before now.

Look at this here. The day you came home from hospital.

'It was exactly 20 years ago that I first came home from hospital

-'so Mum's brought out the old family photo albums.'

-I took that a couple of days before Christmas.

-Look at how red your face and hands was.

-Very red.

I'm very thin and small.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

But we were so happy to have you back.

Look at how cheeky she is there.

-That could only have been taken weeks before the accident.

-Yeah.

-That was the summer before.

-That was the summer of 1990.

-Yeah.

-You've a lovely smile in this one.

-Hmm.

-It made your face, Kellie.

It was the best feature of your face, your smile.

-It's strange how I looked.

-I find myself looking at your fingers.

-Perfect skin.

-Your little red cheeks.

Obviously, when I see a photograph of me before my accident,

it is...something that affects my emotions.

I don't think I really understand the feeling I get. It's not loss or grief, like Mum would have.

I don't have that. It's more, "Oh, God, I used to look like that."

More than a grieving.

Because I don't remember me as a human being, only as a photograph.

-Yeah.

-So I don't grieve anything the way Mum would.

It really amazes me. You know, I sit back and think, "Oh, isn't she absolutely brilliant?"

-My God.

-I would never... I could never be like Kellie.

-I would never, ever have that much confidence

-No matter how confident I am, it can never be seen

in this beauty-obsessed world as perfection.

So when...

I had really clear, white creamy skin.

And then...now I have this, you know.

'The holidays are over, so it's time to get back to reality.'

Hello. How are you? I need to go to Lewisham.

Perfect, thank you.

I'm feeling, you know, a bit lonely today

and a bit miserable that I've had to leave Ireland again.

'I think in time I will start enjoying London life

'a little bit more and it will start feeling a bit more home.

'Now that I'm back in London, I'm determined to make my life here a success.

'I want to try new things, so I'm joining a dance class to get over my lifelong fear of dancing.'

-This is my first class. A tiny bit nervous!

-Have you danced before?

After about five glasses of wine.

Just jam. It's a really nice crowd.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

'I'm rubbish at dancing so I've always avoided it,

'but this year I want to challenge myself, so I'm swallowing my pride and giving it a go.

# Usually drink, usually dance Usually bubble

# All I want to do is tell you I love you

# That's when I start promising the world to a brand new girl Next thing she's wearing my Rolex

-# What would we do

-Usually drink, usually dance Usually bubble

# All I want to do is tell you I love you... #

Ohh!

'I have confirmed my suspicions. I am a terrible, terrible dancer!'

My legs were up when they were meant to be down, my arms were out! God!

I'm better with books!

I'm busted. Absolutely breathless.

'I really want London to feel more like home, so I'm throwing my first-ever dinner party.

'The trouble is I have no idea how to cook!'

I'm doing something that I have avoided to do like the plague for the last 22 years

because I wasn't confident in my cookery skills.

Now I've hurt my finger. Wonderful.

This is why I don't enjoy cooking. It's bother.

I need a plaster.

Now things are starting to go wrong. ..I nicked the top of my finger with the knife. Tape it up well.

Because my skin has such a thin little layer on it,

if I literally do anything to harm my hands, it means surgery.

My mother gets paranoid every time I use a sharp knife

in case I do anything to my hands.

I'm running out of time! I still have to prepare my fish.

Urgh!

Oh, my God. It's seven.

'My first guests are already starting to arrive.' Penny and Kat.

Come on in to my home. Welcome.

I haven't had tome to change yet!

Pour yourself a glass here. My aim is to get you drunk and you won't know what you're eating!

OK!

I'm just going to change. I'll be 10 minutes. And comb my hair.

Oh, wait! Sorry.

It's all going to plan!

'Penny and Kat are on the same course as me. So are my other guests - Maria,

-'Elisabetha and Adrian.'

-Hello, guys!

Come on! Cook!

I was kind of lost.

'Everyone's here, so it's time to serve.'

-I haven't tasted any of it, so I hope it turns out OK.

-Mm, nice.

-It's very good.

-You haven't tasted dessert yet. It's an Irish dessert.

The potatoes were the best.

-And the fish.

-It was really nice. Really.

-I am so happy!

-I will finish all of this.

-I know you will.

Sorry.

I think...

..that my dinner has gone quite successful. I think.

They ate everything. When I put the food down and was waiting for them to have their first bite,

I was thinking, "Oh, my God! Please let it be OK." I forgot to taste it.

'After all that wine, I find myself opening up.'

I remember when I met you all I was kind of intimidated by everyone

because they were so fantastic looking and had so much experience that I didn't have.

You are capable of doing everything as we are capable.

So what's actually the difference? It's just a face.

Sometimes I feel like I'm performing to be really big and confident and I have to make a statement.

Sometimes that gets really tiring.

-I don't know if I would have been able to be where you are.

-It's a kind of lesson for everybody.

We still have a lot to learn. Never panic.

Thank you, everyone, for coming to my home and eating my food!

I'll cook you a stew next time!

'Today is my final exam and I've been up since five to cram in some last-minute revision.'

I take exams rather differently than other people

because while all my classmates will sit down and write their exam,

I'm going to verbally speak my exam to a scribe.

So, literally, someone else will type what I'm saying.

If I have to write for three and a half hours solid,

my hand would probably seize in a writing position.

No matter how many exams I've done, it always goes through my mind, "What if I fail?"

My mother would cry if I failed an exam. Literally, she would.

Oh! I forgot my rosary beads!

I always keep them in my pocket.

'Because I have to talk during my exams, I take them separately from the others.'

BELL RINGS

Hello, Mother. I'm done. Yeah, I'm done. I started at 10.

Daddy said three rosaries? Cos I forgot my beads and didn't light a candle this morning.

But I knew someone would be praying for me. That's it. Last exam ever.

Never, ever, ever again, Mother, am I ever, ever, ever doing one again.

'My exam lasted longer than my classmates' so they're already in the pub.'

Hello...again!

I answered 50% of the first question, the two essays, and 50% of the second.

-I'm going to fail.

-You won't. One person failed in five years.

-One person failed?

-In five years.

-We are going out tonight.

-Of course!

-I'll take you to a really, really nice place.

-Really?

-It's going to be really fun!

'Adrian's taken us all out to a club in the West End to celebrate the exams being over.

'And he wastes no time getting us all on the dance floor.

'The London nightlife is crazy.

'I like a night out. It's normal.'

Just because I have burns doesn't mean I'm going to sit at home with the curtains closed

like a little recluse. I like to go out and dance the night away and have fun.

I'm 22! What else would I do?! I'm in London, for God's sake!

Probably the most confusing issue ever - men. Ohh(!)

God! I'm better with exams.

I don't imagine that finding a partner is going to be easy,

but at 22 I'm not looking

for this big, serious relationship, boyfriend. I'm not looking for that.

But in the future, I would like to marry and have children,

but...realistically,

I need to find a man

who will accept me for the person I am, accept my scars, accept my personality, accept my temper,

accept everything about me.

Finding that man...

That could be a bit of a battle,

but I'm sure there's some man out there for me somewhere. Some day. Oh, God help him!

Right now, I'm going to remain single and have more fun.

I am currently waiting for my Mum, Dad and brother to arrive

because they are visiting me for the weekend and I haven't seen them since January! I can't wait.

It's the first time they've visited me in the UK since I've left.

Ohh!

Oh, you've got a fancy case!

-You all right?

-Hiya, Daddy.

-Hello.

-Hi, Mammy!

-All right?

-Well, palsy.

-Kellie?

-Yes?

-Is Buckingham Palace far from here?

-Oh, yes. It's a nice bit away from this area.

-No, but from your flat.

-Dylan, Buckingham Palace is a long way from where I live!

Sorry, Dylan.

There.

This is...my home, which is under a bit of reconstruction right now,

-but home.

-Ohh.

- That's your telly? - Very spacious.

-Somebody must be doing a bit of work.

-Yeah, one of them is doing up their bedroom.

-Oh, right.

This is the bathroom. Now the bathroom is very black because it has all dampness.

Oh, right.

I feel I've done my stint in this house. The age gap now is pretty wide.

It's now like a place to sleep.

I think now it's time for me to move on and find something else.

Do try and find something else. No point staying.

Fantastic having Mum and Dad here to spend the weekend with them and actually not have

miles and miles of sea between us. I'm delighted to see them.

'My parents worry a lot and it's nice for them to see my life

'and what I do every day. And that I'm OK, I'm fine, I'm happy.'

-You've done this before?

-No, I've never been on a clipper. People come to work on these.

-Look, Kellie!

-This is a lovely area. It feels kind of Irish-y.

-Does it?

A little bit. Just the way they're built.

I feel that Kellie is now a complete adult.

-She doesn't need me any more.

-Aww, I'll always need Mammy!

But there is a point in your life when you're a total adult

and you move away from your parents and you make your own decisions.

You no longer think, "I have to ring my mother and ask my mother first."

If I had known it was going to be like this when Kellie had her accident at first,

I wouldn't have shed as many tears.

'Today I'm moving house. I've not been happy here, so it's time for a change.'

There are certain things that I'm just sick of dealing with now.

I just can't abide a note on the wall.

"Take your crumbs out of the toaster when you've finished!" That irritates me.

If you've got something to say, say it to the person's face. And you must do your laundry on THIS day!

That is so annoying. I'm moving on.

'I do find when you're going to move into a house that you are meeting new people

'and you are selling yourself as a flatmate.'

It's really weird. What do I say? How do I act?

-Ha!

-Where do you want these?

'My new housemates, Amy and Sam, are helping me move in.'

-I'm quite sad that we're not the same size.

-Well, fortunately.

-Do you want a cup of tea?

Yes, please!

-We put a welcome message on the fridge.

-"Welcome Kellie..."!

Aww, thank you, guys.

-We like baking cakes a lot.

-Ooh! I like eating cakes.

-We'll bake them, you can eat them!

But you can have some fun, go to some raves.

-We should go raving.

-I've never been to a rave.

-Have you not?

-No!

-We don't really have many raves in Ireland.

-There's quite a few here.

I really, really like the house. I love the feel. It feels young,

it feels hip, it feels like a home.

Initially, we were like...oh! A bit of a surprise.

But within 3 or 4 seconds of talking to her, you don't even notice.

And the flatmates are lovely! So nice and friendly.

I think we're going to get on very well. Hopefully she likes me!

'I think this could be the missing link to my London experience! So far anyway!'

I think so.

'It's been three weeks since I moved into my new home and I couldn't be happier.'

Ha ha! My first ever complete cupcake!

Let's see.

Kellie, it's beautiful(!)

'Amy's teaching me how to bake. I feel like I've been totally accepted here.'

-We all love her. She's fitted in perfectly.

-'I've also been finding things out about myself.'

I judged, rather than the other way round, I wrongly judged people here.

When I met them all, they were lovely, they were so pretty, such nice characters,

I said, "They're not going to pick me." But it did really show me

that I presumed someone would think negatively of me.

And that was wrong of me. It's not necessarily always the case.

And that just comes from a lifetime of being rejected so much by people.

It's almost your barrier so it's hard for other people to approach you.

-I don't think you realise you do it.

-I need to stop protecting, put down some of my brick walls

and let people in to me. I need to be a little less scared.

You do look into a room before you walk straight through it.

People aren't always going to judge you and be mean.

-You're a beautiful girl. They'll come and chat you up!

-I doubt it, but...

-No, no, not at all.

-You've been a very good student today, I think.

-I've thoroughly enjoyed my afternoon of cupcaking

and icing them.

'It's been 10 months since I left my home in Ireland, but it feels like a lifetime has passed.'

It's not home. Yeah, it surely isn't home.

They're everywhere!

SIREN WAILS

'Finding my own way in London hasn't always been easy.

'But I finally feel like I belong here!'

I'm so happy! ..Hello!

'So I think I'll stick around for a while.'

Aww, thank you, guys.

I think I have officially cut the apron strings from my mother!

I think I needed to stand on my own two feet and not have anyone in the background

to turn round and look at when things got hard. Just me on my own.

I'm not frightened any more about leaving something that feels so secure

and going to a different place. It's about pushing your way through

and fighting forward and... just kicking ass, basically.

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2011

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