Nigel Owens: True to Myself

The last game of the season and our first win. I kicked the ball and it

went close to the corner and the post in front of me. They said to

me, for God's sake, go and referee or something, will you? Nigel stayed

with the school, taking a job as a technician and worked his way up

through the referee ranks. While living at home with his parents at

home. He was quick to learn the tricks of the trade, especially from

mentors. So far, the only Welsh referee of the World Cup final. The

earliest memories of Nigel were of a 16-year-old boy. He used to catch

one, two, three buses to get to the venue where he was referee. Up at

7am, didn't stop until about 9:30 p.m.. Dead keen. There was a referee

who used to wear a blazer. He said when he was a referee he used to

keep a whistle in his blazer pocket. By the time he put it in his mouth

to blow for -- blow, he would know whether or not to blow the whistle.

If it was up here it was too late, you would blow it. He said he always

kept it down though. Then by the time you brought it up you would

know whether or not you had to blow it. The hardest thing for a referee

is knowing when or not to blow it. I have the whistle OK? Somebody

called for the offence. Derek told me a happy referee was a good

referee. He said, next time don't tell them and mollycoddle them, you

tell them, I've asked you and now I am telling you. Do that again and

you are gone. I always remember that. I stated quite clearly, the

conditions are not an issue. The issue is with your binding. I

suggest you get it in order. I have asked you, now I am telling you. He

had a lot of 1-liners. In Wales, you are going to the same clubs every

Saturday, referee a lot of the same people, internationals, top-class

players. So you have to earn that reputation. Once players trust of

the referee, he is well on his way. Trust between players and referees

is absolutely massive. Before long, Nigel joined the company, a group of

senior referees. But while success soared on the pitch, offbeat his own

self-esteem and denial of his sexuality darkened. -- off it.

Worried about his weight, he did weighttraining and took steroids.

The biggest challenge I had was dealing with who I was. But then at

about 18 or 19 I was becoming different and starting to have

feelings for somebody of the same sex as me and this was all alien to

me. This is not the way I have been brought up, this is not what I know.

That was a very difficult time in my life. I remember doing something for

the first time with another guy and I felt sick and physically sick and

ashamed afterwards of what I have done. I was feeling with accepting

who I was. I was brought up in a small community and not really

knowing what being gay and not knowing gay people. You go back

20-25 years, all of a sudden this was making me depressed. It was

making me ill. With that I became bulimic, because I wasn't looking

healthy, I wasn't looking well enough to attract another man, I

guess. I got hooked on steroids and I couldn't come off steroids. I

abused steroids at one of the big side effects is it makes you

depressed as well and makes you short tempered. I was going downhill

very fast to a very dark place, where there was no way out for me at

one stage. I did something one night that I will regret for the rest of

my life. I left a note for my mum and dad and said, I can't carry on

any more with my life. I didn't tell them why. I left the house that

night with a shotgun loaded, with a couple of boxes of paracetamol and a

bottle of whiskey and just walked around the village. For the last

time. Looking back at everything, I guess. Where I had grown up and

spent 19 years of my life in this small, wonderful village and

community. Funnily enough, what I took to take my own life that might

actually saved me in one sense. I overdosed with paracetamol and the

whiskey and it put me into a coma. If I hadn't got into that coma, I

would have pulled the trigger of the gun without a doubt. I was found by

the police helicopter and when my mum and dad came into see me, I was

an only child as well, I remember my mum told me that night in hospital,

if you do anything like that again then you take me and your dad with

you because we don't want to live without you. I realised then what I

had done and I told myself, you need to grow up and you need to accept

who you are and that was the first big turning point in my life in

getting through this, you know? That's when I have to accept I was

different. But for the next eight years Nigel continued to keep his

homosexuality a secret, hiding it even from his family and friends,

will read what people might think, worried what would happen to his

blossoming career in the rugby and media, becoming a co- presenter on

the Jonathan Show. But he couldn't live the life forever. I wasn't

happy in my life because I was hiding it. I was lying who I was. I

was trying to live a life that I couldn't live and hiding it from

people. I was worried what people, mum and dad, my friends, whether

they would accept me. It is only one word with three letters, gay, but

sitting down and telling them you are gay is not easy and I told my

mum and she cried and I cried. Nobody is out in the macho world of

rugby. Am I going to be able to carry on with my referee in? Or am I

going to have to just tell my family and friends and you'll live a lie in

the public eye, in the rugby world? Or am I going to have to be who I am

and give up a referee in? To think that anybody has to make the

decision of being who you are all continuing in the sport that you

love is a decision that nobody should have to make, in being gay or

carrying on in rugby. Nobody should have to make that decision. Rave and

audacious, he literally came out of the closet on prime-time TV and

hoped for the best. I had a text of him saying that he was gay and he

was coming out. It didn't bother me, because a friend is a friend and it

is up to him what he is going to do in his own time. I said that to

him. I am still your friend, don't worry about it. I knew it was a

difficult time for him, so we tried to make light of it and said, right,

you're going to come out on the show. He wasn't sure at the start. I

said, you come out of the closet and save, I am what I am, then we won't

mention it and see if people catch on or not. A sickly he agreed and

that's what happened. When the closet opened I came out

and you have no idea what a feeling it was when pretty much everybody in

the audience stood up and applauded. Then I went to my seat and everybody

clapped and laughed and we got on with the show. Then the EU and those

came and it has been part of the show ever since. Onset, to work with

Nigel is fantastic. He has helped a lot of people by talking about it in

the way that he does. He doesn't take itself too seriously and I know

he gets weekly letters, e-mails, tweets, about how the way he has

dealt with his sexuality has helped others. That's important to

remember, that he has done it the right way. It was a key moment for

sport, not just rugby, all sport. I think it was a massive step forward

for him. Yes, you know, it didn't affect rugby in any way. It probably

made the sport closer. It encouraged other people in sport perhaps to

come out as well. I think a lot of people on the periphery thanked him

for coming out and the strength he has given those individuals. Yes, it

was a big step forward for rug union. I saw a more relaxed, more

happy referee. I think he wasn't performing as well as he is now when

that was in the back of his mind. I think it did help his refereeing. He

is a nice lad, he really is a nice lad. He is liked by a lot of

people, you know? Something we know is that a lot of young lesbian, gay

and trans people feel that sport is something that is not for them and

they might not be safe there, that it's not somewhere that will be

accepting and I think the importance of people like Nigel is that they

show those young people that sport is a place for anyone. Referee is by

nature are open to abuse from the crowd. So if you come out as the gay

referee, you're putting yourself in a position where anything could

happen. And it hasn't. And I think he has been the catalyst, the one

person who has exhilarated all sport towards the point where if you find

out that somebody is gay you just go, so what? But some fans still

hurl homophobic abuse, which Nigel has had to tackle. English rugby

bosses have launched an investigation after Welsh referee

Nigel Owens was allegedly subjected to homophobic abuse. One supporter

from Yorkshire reported the behaviour to the Rugby Football

Union and brokered the guardian. He said he couldn't believe that a

bunch of men were hurling such nasty, foulmouthed, racist and

homophobic abuse and he said it made him feel ashamed. It does hurt when

you hear those things and it is in the papers and the press. And, you

know, people are phoning you up, can you comment on this? You think, do I

really need to go through all of this again? But then knowing that it

helps stamp it out and knowing that it helps encourage people to stand

up and speak out against this type of abuse, because those are the

people who make a difference. The people who make a difference other

in the stadium who wrote that letter that day to the paper, who stood up

and told people, this is not acceptable. People sent in letters

afterwards and said they heard this. Those other people, the true heroes,

who really make the difference in stamping out abuse, that shouldn't

be a part of sport or society. Nigel now finds himself lauded like never

before on the rugby circuit. Despite being a globetrotting sports

star, Nigel hasn't moved from home and likes nothing down returning to

his village to be with his family friends and community. He wears his

Welshness with pride has been recognised for it. Swapping the

rugby shirt for the green down, Nigel welcomed today with writers,

poets, musicians and others, honoured for their contribution to

Welsh life. He is proud to speak Welsh whenever he can, even when

disciplining players on the pitch. He doesn't mind speaking English and

Welsh and we have had a banter on the field in both languages. But he

is far too sharp for me. I never answer back because, when it comes

to banter, you don't mess with Nigel. He is a big lover of the

Welsh language and speaks to other players in Welsh. And when you've

got Samoans, Fijians and others playing, they don't have a clue what

he's talking about and we have to telling off this occasionally. With

his new celebrity status, Nigel was spurred on to write a book, laying

bare the inner turmoil he suffered and how he battled through. The

launch at a rugby club in 2008 was the last time his mother was able to

leave the house. She died of cancer a couple of months later. It is

unbelievable. They had to turn people away. People couldn't get

into the club. Mum was there and she told me afterwards it meant a lot to

her, knowing... I had just come out of the year before. It had been a

difficult time for them and me. It was like she knew, OK, I can leave

this world now knowing that people respect him and accept him for who

he is. I lost a massive part of my life that night. That's when I lost

my mum and every time when I lined up now at an international game I

always, wherever the home countries, whenever they sing anthem, just for

ten seconds or so I look up into the sky and just think about her. I did

about her all the time and I look at the sky and just think about her for

those ten seconds. Today, Nigel, at the age of 44, is

the most senior referee on the international circuit, with 60 caps

going into his third World Cup. He keeps his body fit and his mind as

calm as possible. For every game he listens to the same Welsh hymn.

SONG PLAYS. But, despite his experience, international matches

don't get any easier. Especially at the scrum and breakdown. The key

area of the game is the breakdown. You have to referee that well. If

you do that then the game looks after itself, plus you have more

breakdowns and tackles in the game than any other phase. That's where

the continuity of the game comes from. You have so much to look for

in that split second. Players run off their feet, sticking their hands

where they shouldn't. There's negativity. You have to deal with

it. You can deal with it, do know? Whereas the scrum, if the scrum

becomes a total mess, both sides collapse. There's not much you can

do about that. The only thing you can do is penalised them and give

them a yellow card. When they come back on if they stay up there and

you have done your job. It is difficult to referee, but you can

sort it out if it needs it. Back at the World Cup, Nigel displays

exceptional refereeing, letting play continue while talking to his

television official about it possible dangerous tackle. Let's

have a look! It was. Hi. OK. Nigel is now at the pinnacle of his

powers. Whether this is his last World Cup, who knows? What is

certain, he has helped bring rugby and sport into the 21st century. He

is top bracket. He is of the very best in an age where referee

standards are going up quickly. He is a pioneer in the age of

professional refereeing on many fronts and he has helped push back

the boundaries of officiating at just the right moments, because the

game needs to be very carefully controlled. There is a sort of

universal truth about rugby, it's a simple game, but it's a very

difficult game to referee well. Rugby union is not only the greatest

team sport in the world on the field, but without a shard of a

doubt is the greatest team sport in the world off the field, because if

it wasn't for rugby union than the players, spectators, the communities

of rugby, I could never be who I am today. I certainly wouldn't be going

to the World Cup to referee. That's for sure.

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