Murphy and O'Kane Do... Le Football

So the BBC have asked myself and Jake to do a programme

about Northern Ireland fans going to France this summer for the Euros.

The thing is, neither of us

knows nor cares anything about football.

On the upside, we are getting to go to Paris, which is

my excuse to drive this little French icon.

Northern Ireland will have played

and been knocked out of the Euros by the time I'm picked up.

HE BEEPS HORN

You're kidding. Somebody's kidding me here.

COLIN LAUGHS

Bonjour!

-I'm not getting in it. I'm not getting in.

-Go on!

-I'm not getting in!

-It's French.

-French my hole.

-It Gallic charm, get in.

-Look, look. It's not a car.

CROWD CHANTING

Football and football fanaticism really is a mystery to us.

So this is a real journey into the unknown.

You've done something against somebody at the Beeb.

Because somebody's sitting there going, "Wait, what don't they like? Both of them don't like football.

-"Let's have them do something about football."

-What I don't like about football...

-Go, go, go!

I'm going as fast as I can.

I do not want to get into an accident on Sandy Row.

-In a green and white car.

-I don't understand the...

-Fervour.

-..obsession people have with it.

I genuinely cannot fathom it.

See, when you get in a taxi and the taxi driver,

first thing they will say is, "Are you watching the match tonight?"

And you go, "Sorry, I don't follow football."

What I get away with when I say that, I say, "No, I'm into boxing."

And then they go, "Aye, he's all right. What about the cage fighting?

-"Oh, I love the cage fighting."

-No, I'm not a man, apparently.

-I'm not a man.

-Well, there's something maybe...

Northern Ireland, that's all I know about Northern Ireland football.

I know who he is, the person that painted him clearly has no idea what he looks like, but...

He did not have one massive arm and one tiny little arm.

We're going to have to know more about Northern Ireland

football than just George Best. Something.

-Yeah. No, we can't...

-We can't just talk George Best. They'll catch us on.

-We're going to be found out.

Yeah, they'll find us out, they'll find us out.

Give her the gutty.

-Do you know what this is? It's a moped on four wheels.

-It's not, if anything, it's a lawnmower.

It's a lawnmower with seatbelts.

'Ignorance is bliss, but in a bid to look professional,

'we knew we needed to talk to someone who knows about Northern Ireland

'football and who could explain how the Euro 16 tournament works.'

Yes, it was obvious and unavoidable.

The only person with this kind of information was a taxi driver.

Meet Gary Wallace, who lives near Ballyclare.

He's been a Northern Ireland fan for over 35 years

and has a memorabilia collection to prove it.

The thing about us, we have no background with football.

We're trying to get our heads around what this is.

You either love it or hate it.

And the obsession with it, the sort of the details and knowing.

How... The playing out of this thing. Explain this to us, write this down.

GARY LAUGHS

-So, there's six groups.

-Yeah.

-A, B, C,

D, E, F.

There's four teams in each group.

So the four teams in each of the groups will play each other once.

The top two teams will qualify. Plus the four best third placed teams.

So, basically, if you win one game, you'll have three points.

So by winning one match, you could actually qualify for the knockout

-stages of the last 16.

-As one of the third...

-Third-best team.

-Third placed team.

-I sense you've got a wall chart.

-I was just saying, they haven't printed them yet.

-Have they not?

But look at the excitement. Look at the excitement in your eyes.

They'll not come out until nearer the tournament.

The football albums, they'll be coming out shortly.

-Yeah, the stickers.

-They'll be the big thing.

-And are grown men still going around getting the stickers?

I know some of the guys in our club who've just been going daft, they can't wait until it comes out.

They've finally got one with Northern Ireland in it.

-So you're going to have grown men in work going, "Can you swap..."

-Swapsies, yeah.

So, the collection, is it on display or is it in a box?

-I've got a wee special room up the stairs.

-A special room?

-Special room.

-Where I've got stuff piled up in, so I do.

Oh, we have to see this.

HE LAUGHS

This is terrifying.

JAKE LAUGHS

This is insane, this is like something out of The X-Files.

This is very good, I like this.

There's a programme, the first game I was ever at, George Best one.

-What is your most precious?

-Oh, that one. Sammy McIlroy shirt.

-McIlory?

-A complete surprise, that result that night,

nobody expected that to happen.

-There's an interesting one.

-That's my mum with Jackie Fullerton and Georgie Best

when he played in a friendly for Ballyclare Comrades.

You're not the only man in the world who's said that, "There's my mum with George Best."

Or Jackie Fullerton.

-This has cost a fortune over the years, then?

-You never

notice how much it costs when you are just buying one item at a time.

I think your wife might know how much it costs.

When you add it up, it'll probably be pretty expensive.

I'd like you to know, Gary has a very good alarm system

-and a very large dog.

-The rest...

-A very large dog.

'Yes, fact fans, you heard that right, Gary does not live alone.

'He's married to Dee, and she started by telling us

'how surprised she was to find us in her kitchen.'

He doesn't tell you anything.

-He didn't tell you we were coming today?

-No.

He got up this morning at eight o'clock, which is very

unusual for Gary. And the Hoover was on,

which is very unusual for Gary.

-And...

-Which room did he hoover? I'm guessing there was only one room.

-One room.

-The shrine.

-Yes, no other room got hoovered.

-I don't go into it.

-Why? Does it depress you?

-Depress me?

It's the things that I could do with that room.

This is it, you've got to draw a line, Dee.

Look at this tablecloth, Dee, you've got to draw a line.

Can I just say, this is not my tablecloth?

THEY LAUGH

This has to be... This is love.

He went for a pint of milk, you phoned him...

I texted him to bring home milk and bread

for me coming home from work.

And Gary was in Stockholm.

THEY LAUGH

He hadn't told you...

-I actually don't find out...

-I want to marry you!

Why couldn't I have found you?

If I did that, do you know what my wife would say to me?

"Stay in Stockholm, don't come home."

Was he like this when you married him?

He wasn't, no, not as extreme as he is now.

This does feel like an intervention, this does feel like an intervention.

Does he wash those shirts whenever he gets them?

No, you want the sweat, you want...

You couldn't wash Sammy McIlroy's shirt.

(I think he smells them. I think he takes it out...)

HE SNIFFS

So, Dee, there's a big match tonight.

We're going to go to the match tonight. Gary has told us

he's got a special outfit that he wears to the match.

-Call him in, call him in, let's have a look.

-Gary.

-Yes, pet?

THEY LAUGH

I'm so sorry for you! Come here, come here. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Can you see what's on the back?

-"Sheepshagger."

-Ballyclare Sheepshaggers.

Nobody's going to start a fight when you're dressed like this.

I know what else you have.

I know how valuable that is, but believe you me,

you've got the best wife in Northern Ireland, that's for sure.

-You've got the best wife in Northern Ireland.

-She's very understanding.

-Very understanding.

Very understanding.

JAKE LAUGHS

She's not as ugly as many...

..cream buns.

Oh.

-There's no gluten in meringues. Sure there's no gluten meringues?

-There shouldn't be any gluten.

It's only cream and sugar. Very healthy for you. It is.

In, um, France - patisserie, you'll be able to eat them.

I'll tell you where I'll go, I'll go and watch you eat buns. That'll be nice. Yeah, that'll be...

That's my life's ambition.

Next stop, Greyabbey, to meet Bobby Wallace and his sons.

They've bought a camper van to drive to the Euros, which is

interesting because none of them have ever been camping.

-Bobby.

-Yes?

-You don't camp.

-Absolutely not.

And your plan is to drive over in this and then camp and go to the Euros.

The idea was me and the two sons would go,

and we thought it would be really cool to do it in a motorhome.

What they've actually created is a teenage boy's bedroom on wheels.

This is compact and bijou, boys.

This is definitely not as big as I thought on the inside.

It a bit like the TARDIS, only in reverse, I have to tell you.

There's a thermostat. Have you got heating in this?

-Yeah, there's hot water and...

-This is flash.

I have an old VW, there's none of this. THEY LAUGH

There's no toilet in my VW, which I'm quite happy about.

See that thing? That's the thing that will break a family up.

-Do you reckon?

-You have not lived until you have sat there, right, having a cup

of tea and eating breakfast while he's in there squeezing one out.

JAKE MAKES FARTING NOISE

It was time to get the motorhome on the road

and enjoy the more welcome smell of fresh country air.

Bobby and the boys followed us to a nearby campsite.

I think these boys are going to get last somewhere in the south of France.

End up picking grapes for the rest of the summer.

This is the biggest trip these boys have done.

HE LAUGHS

When we got to the campsite, we waited as the lads used the

camper van to get changed into their match gear.

They've got music on the side of the van. Got lyrics inside of the van.

They're going to think it's some country and western singers.

"My new album, Dare To Dream."

THEY LAUGH

"Out now. On Roadkill Records."

Roadkill Records. I'm a wee bit frightened.

JAKE LAUGHS

You look like three very weird Santa Clauses.

THEY LAUGH

-Do these things exist, or did you get them made?

-These were made.

The very latest in Euro 2016 menswear.

-So these are officially, these would be termed "onesies"?

-Yes.

-Tellytubby outfit almost.

-That's what I was trying to get in my head.

-Yeah, yeah.

-That's what I was trying to think, what is it?

Erm, who would that be for?

-Who would that be for?

-THEY LAUGH

-And perhaps...

-Oh, for God's...

-Maybe that's yourself, Colin.

Thank you very much.

Oh, I'm going to sneak this into the house!

I want to sneak this into the house.

And when she's in bed, right, I'm going to wait until she's in bed

and I'm going to say, "I've got something for you, love.

"I've got something for you." And I'm going to sneak this on, I'm going to walk in and go,

"Yeah, boy!" And that's the end of the marriage.

Yes! Lovely.

Looking great.

They're surprisingly comfortable. THEY LAUGH

-For lunges?

-There's a lot of...

-..air around you, do you know what I mean?

-Pockets.

I possibly should have kept my underwear on before I did this, but anyway.

-CHANTING:

-Let's all do the bouncy, let's all do the bouncy,

La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

There's something just not right.

I feel I've been interfered with or something.

THEY LAUGH

-See, we don't know any chants.

-I can't do any of that.

What is that? What is that? Does some guy just stand in a pub and go "Here, we're all going to

"do it now, we're all going to practise this!"

-BLEEP.

-You're in the wrong gear, you're in the wrong gear.

It's too macho for me, that whole chanting. I don't...

I'm a bit more macho than you, there's more chance of me surviving this.

Do you understand? Let's be honest about this.

Just because you're dressed like a snooker player.

I'm dressed like a lumberjack! Which of these two is more macho?

-I'll have you know!

-I'm only warning you!

I can only protect you so far.

-Just shout, "Come on, chaps!"

-Don't be doing any of that.

-We're already suspicious.

-"Kick it, you bitch!"

THEY LAUGH

"A big round of applause for the other side.

"I thought they were great!"

Speaking of the other side, the Republic of Ireland team

are also going to France for the Euros, so, obviously,

we drove to Lisburn to meet one of their biggest fans

in the North, Kenny Murdoch, who hasn't missed an away match in over

50 games and before you ask ladies, yes, he is indeed single.

So these are all mementos and bits of pieces you've picked up

and managed to bring back in one piece, despite the drink?

-There's a lot of crockery here. I wouldn't be...

-There's a lot of stuff.

-Yeah.

-A lot of stuff.

Just photographs and one of Belfast Telegraph.

"Northern Ireland gripped by World Cup fever".

I was going to the first match in Japan and I came up

and put the flag up and this guy stopped me

and says, "You're the first Irish man I've saw.

"Can I take a picture?"

-And three hours later...

-THEY LAUGH

You've put the flag in everywhere you go, you put a wee badge...?

Put a wee badge on it.

Let's see the flag.

It's got all the badges. There's two badges just put on recently.

What do you do, just hold this up? What do you have on it?

-Those badges, what does it say?

-Cliftonville FC, Belfast.

Cliftonville FC, Belfast.

So if people are watching the telly at home

-and they see this and you will be there?

-Yes.

-Somewhere close by?

-Close by, yeah.

-So you get this up...

-I get this up

and the boys at home can see it and even the players,

they'll come over to me and say, "Look, I saw it on TV last week,

"you were down in Estonia or away to Israel."

-This has seen more of the world than me.

-LAUGHING: It has?

-Yes.

-Do you ever think of selling a bit of advertising space on here?

-I could put "I want a wife".

-A wife!

-A wife.

-There you go.

Turn this into a Big Tinder ad.

Somebody watching in Taiwan going, "I'll have him!"

No, I want somebody from Lambeg. You know, that direction?

Do you think this flag's well-hung? LAUGHTER

You know, you need a phone number. That's what you want to put.

-You'd get sponsored.

-I could, but Cliftonville's more important.

That's my main theme.

-Do they give you anything for putting the flag up?

-No.

As long as they win things, I'm happy enough with that.

-The fan. That's a fan.

-As long as they win.

-That's the difference between us and him.

-What?

-We're thinking money, he's thinking loyalty.

Oh, yeah, that's my team. That's it, you know?

And whether they are down or up, you still support them.

From the very start of supporting Ireland it was win,

lose or draw, just have a party.

THEY CHANT TO TUNE OF JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH

Other Republic fans who know all about partying,

albeit on a bus, are the Derry Supporters' Club.

Depeche Mode is not what I expected!

-BLEEP.

-I'm sitting in a wet seat!

'This lot were on their way to Dublin to see the Republic play

'and time was of the essence.'

The bus is nice, it's a nice bus, nothing against your bus,

but it's a bus. And yous are late. So yous can't stop.

We're going to Dublin and obviously going to see a few games,

you maybe get caught short, but we want to see the match.

John, I know he's a good bus driver and all, like,

but sometimes he won't stop, so we got this...

It's called a Derry urinator.

-Urinator?

-Urinator.

-You already said that, then.

THEY LAUGH

-It's like a colostomy bag.

-Yeah. All the boys contribute to it.

-Do you know what I mean?

-No!

We will have to do a wee bit of this and on the way back,

by the side of the road again, maybe a couple of the boys want a drink or something, they can...

Argh.

This is the ballot, this is what they've all been waiting for.

What they win today will change your lives.

It will if you work in Portadown, anyway. LAUGHTER

Oh, it is.

-First turn is for this beautiful notebook...

-It's a mauve ticket. Mauve! Mauve!

-It's not mauve!

-It is. What's it? Orange?

-Yeah.

You have orange tickets!

-438.

-Yay!

-LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Next ticket, next ticket.

-This is for a set of tattoos.

-Ooh!

-OK?

-Classy!

-Very handy. Yeah.

Another orange ticket. 454?

Yay!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, yeah!

With the ballot over, our work here was done.

But a toilet break was now urgently required.

'Jake wasn't up for using the urinator,

'so we got off and made our own arrangements.'

We'd learned that football supporters love a good singsong.

So it was only right we should now meet a good singer.

We couldn't find one and met Jackie Fullerton instead.

CHANTING: Jackie, give us a song!

# We're not Brazil, we're Northern Ireland!

# We're not Brazil, we're Northern Ireland!

# We're not Brazil, we're Northern Ireland!

# But it's all the same to me!

# Ulst-er! #

Now, the question I have is, when was anyone from Brazil ever

mistaken for anyone from Northern Ireland?

You're responsible for this! You're the man who made this world-famous.

Well, I was asked to sing that song along with George Jones

and we did it and it seemed to catch on.

-They are still singing it!

-I know.

-They weren't born!

-It was a big hit at the time!

You were loved! You were the voice of Northern Ireland football for decades.

-Oh, that's very kind of you to say that.

-Well, you were. I liked it.

I didn't watch football, but you epitomised Northern Ireland.

I was obsessed with the way you said "Gillespie!"

-"Pele! Just one-nil!"

-THEY LAUGH

You never said that!

Can I just say that I was lucky enough,

I was blessed to be in the game a long time

and Billy Bingham took us to two World Cup finals, '82 in Spain, Mexico '86.

And then we entered a grey period, a black period,

and these lads still followed the team through thin and thin

but then along came a young lad called David Healy

and he just ignited the whole thing again

and I was lucky enough to be commentating some of the great nights.

We beat Spain 3-2 at Windsor, we beat England one-nil at Windsor.

-You know you're missed?

-Who by?

Do yous miss Jackie? Do yous miss Jackie?

-ALL: Yay!

-See. They miss you, Jackie.

-That wasn't very, er...

-THEY LAUGH

They weren't very sure!

ALL: Jackie!

'We couldn't talk to Jackie without asking him the big question.'

Will Northern Ireland win Euro 16?

Well we win it? No!

Or...maybe we will.

Jackie Fullerton says you're not going to win.

I don't want to break your hearts, but Jackie's just said you're

not going to win anything, this is your final, get in there.

-We'll cut that bit out.

-LAUGHTER

-We can win this.

-We can.

CHANTING

That night, Northern Ireland were playing Slovenia,

so we headed to Windsor Park, or as it is now known by a certain section of the community,

the National Stadium, for a piece of the action.

This is it, we're here. That's Windsor.

Kind of like this, this looks nice. All the crowd going in.

It's like a Lowry painting.

Don't talk art! Don't talk about art! Don't mention paintings.

-We're never going to pull off that we're football fans.

-No. No.

-See.

CHANTING: Everywhere we go...

-Everywhere you go.

-Everywhere you go.

It's amazing how they're drawn to cameras.

-There are cameras everywhere nowadays.

-Yeah.

-Yes?

And they see a camera...

CHANTING: Everywhere we go!

You're the Pied Piper!

Come on, join in!

ALL: Everywhere we go,

the Ulster boys make all the noise,

everywhere we go!

Everywhere we go!

-And not so quiet.

-Scarf place! Scarf place, scarf place.

Scarf place.

-Are these the scarves everybody's wearing now?

-This is the ones.

-No, no, no...

-No, we need them now!

How do you wear these? Is that too much?

'Now we both look the part, all we had to do was find our seats.'

-Thank you very much.

-Cheers, guys, enjoy the match.

-Thank you.

'Murphy's in charge of the tickets. What could possibly go wrong?'

24, 25.

Way down there?

-Where?

-I don't know. Where the

-BLEEP

-are we?

Why didn't they tell us about this?

Is this block D?

Yep.

It's the wrong stand!

Is the wrong stand!

CHEERING

'And because this is a football documentary,

'we can run the mortified look on his face one more time

'in slow motion.

'Could. Not. Be. More. Embarrassed!'

There were 13,500 people there that night,

but I'm pretty sure we were the only two who got lost on the way in!

We'll just pause for the anthems. First of all, Slovenia.

-It wasn't my fault!

-It was your fault, you've the tickets!

I showed the guy and he said it's up here on the left!

Half of Northern Ireland's laughing at us!

You can't tell the North from South! Do you know where you are?

Well, Jesus, we're in no better place if nobody here can tell

the difference between North and South!

The game's going to be over by the time we get there!

-It doesn't matter.

-It DOES matter!

Well, we're ready to go.

-This is a practical joke.

-What is?

-It's a practical joke.

Just going to have us walking round the National Stadium.

There actually is no south stand.

13,500 packed in here.

-Is this us?

-Ask the man.

-Are we in there? Hiya. Where are we?

-We're supposed to be...

-Oh, yes. Flipping hell.

'Flipping hell indeed.

'But, thankfully, it was us and our wild goose chase was almost over.

'Almost.'

They're all saying we have to make an entrance.

They have to be late.

-Oh, aye.

-Is it the fullest bit?

-Yeah.

-Pick us up.

Where's the... Sorry.

Sorry, can I squeeze past you there? Sorry about that.

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

I know, tell me about it.

Thank you. Thanks.

You sit in there.

See? I'm getting heckled. I'm getting heckled.

The other team's outfits are very nice.

Don't say that to anybody else. Don't say that out loud.

-Northern Ireland's green, isn't it?

-Yep.

How long is it on for? How long does it last?

45 minutes. A half.

And then there's the interval.

It's not an interval. It's not an interval.

-Even I know it's not an interval.

-Half-time.

It's an interval in ballet, not in football.

-Half-time.

-Yes.

Yes! Yes!

-COMMENTATOR:

-The referee's had enough.

It's half-time.

MUSIC: Teenage Kicks by The Undertones

National anthem, get up!

Take your hat off, bit of respect.

That's not the national anthem, you...

# Teenage dreams so hard to beat. #

'It felt like we could be watching history unfolding.

'If I could keep Murph out of the bar

'and Northern Ireland could hold on to their lead,

'it would mean 10 games in a row unbeaten.

'But in the second half, this happened.'

He's going to save this, he's going to save this.

I know he's going to save it.

Statistically, if you hit it down the middle, you score.

HE SHOUTS ENTHUSIASTICALLY

-Didn't I tell you?

-You did!

-Didn't I tell you?

Ay!

Northern Ireland 1, Slovenia 0.

-REPORTER:

-That was a good night for the manager and for his players

and just two games to go now until the fans head off to France.

'Yes, it was next stop, France, and to get a sense of what lies

'ahead for the fans going to Paris, that's where we went.'

'As well as enjoying the football,

'supporters going to Paris will need to know key things,

'like what to eat...'

"Hello. Look what you have done to me."

'..how to drive...'

My top tip if anyone's coming here,

don't care what football team you're supporting,

never drive a car in Paris.

'..and where to stay.

'We checked into an appropriately-named hotel

'and had a chat with the owner, Sylvie.'

-Do you notice all the difference in accents?

-Yes.

It's, actually, the truth, it's not easy for us to understand

this Irish accent.

-Really?

-We have to listen.

If somebody come in and says, "Do you have a p'w'r sh'w'r?"

-Then...

-THEY LAUGH

-"Do you have a p'w'r sh'w'r?"

-Tell me again.

-P'w'r sh'w'r.

-P'w'r sh'w'r.

-"Do you have p'w'r sh'w'r in the room?"

-What does it mean?

-Power shower.

-Power shower!

-But they'll say p'w'r sh'w'r.

-Then I don't get what it means.

-"Have you any filth on the TV?"

-Aye, you'll hear that one.

-"Have you any filth on the TV?"

-SHE LAUGHS

-"Have you no filth on TV?"

-No!

What's your definition of this?

This is pornography on the television.

No!

THEY LAUGH

Do you know what a culchie is?

-No.

-Exactly.

You're asking a woman in France if she knows what a culchie is.

-I thought everybody knew what a culchie is.

-No. Oh, my God.

-Peasant.

-Peasant?

-OK. Farmer.

-What do you call them?

-Farmers.

-Farmers.

Yeah. I suppose, yes, people from country.

-Do you know what they look like?

-Yeah, I have an idea.

Like...

The jacket you have.

What did I tell you yesterday?

This is the height of sophistication in Northern Ireland,

I'll have you know. This is cutting-edge.

-This is very cutting.

-I see.

I will come back and have a romantic weekend with someone who

looks slightly better than this because it was wasted on this.

This was never going to work as a romantic weekend.

-You're just narrow-minded.

-Yeah.

'We then met our French fixer for the trip, Laurent.

'His job was simple, to source us a car and give us some advice

'and tips on driving in Paris.'

So, Laurent.

You're the most French-looking man we could possibly find.

-Do they do classes in school to look cool?

-I know.

-THEY LAUGH

-Do they teach you how to look cool?

No, no, no.

-Is this just the way...

-Just threw this on this morning.

Just for Paris.

I couldn't help but notice, there are an awful lot of dents

in this car that you've sourced us.

And it's got clingfilm on the roof. Clingfilm.

It's a mobile greenhouse.

So I'm going to attempt that, Arc de Triomphe de l'Etoile.

-You look shocked.

-Shocked!

-Is it as scary as it looks?

-No, it's not scary.

You just have to feel confident.

-And follow the fluid.

-Is there lanes?

-No, no, no. No lanes.

-No lanes.

-You make your lanes.

-You make your lanes!

You follow your track and slowly and cool.

What about the other cars who are following their track,

Laurent, how do we know they don't get in the way?

You do your way and I try to do my best.

Try to do your best! We're going to die.

-Are you travelling with us?

-Oh, no, no.

THEY LAUGH

Good man!

I see you later on, perhaps.

'Laurent made it sound easy, and for the sake of any fans

'hiring cars in Paris, we had to give it a go.

'Or did we?'

-Are you sure?

-Why not?

Of course, look, this is...

It can't be that difficult.

This is the most dangerous roundabout in Europe.

-One of the most dangerous.

-This is THE most dangerous.

It is the most dangerous.

-Get in the car.

-Yeah.

Actually, I'll get in that side.

I just wanted to test you.

Just wanted to see if you...

There's an awful smell of diesel out of this one.

I like this, this is nice, this is Paris. This is Paris.

I like it.

-This is Champs-Elysees.

-This is Champs-Elysees.

Look at this. I'm not nervous. I should be nervous.

-I don't know why I'm not nervous.

-You should be.

-That's what's worrying me.

-I know, I should be nervous.

I do have confidence in you. I would never have driven this.

Even if I could have driven it, I wouldn't have driven it.

All right.

What's going on here?

-At this rate I could have walked around it five times.

-I know.

-Come on. Go.

-Go! Whoa.

-There you go!

-There you go.

-Somebody hit us.

You braked, it was your fault. You should've went on.

I know...

We haven't even got on the thing yet and we've been hit!

-Look, he hit me.

-We haven't even got on it yet!

-That isn't even funny, Murph.

-MURPH LAUGHS

Oh, dear Lord. Mother of God, please. I will be a good boy.

I will never do the things I've been doing.

-Oh, my God.

-Watch the corner, Murph!

-There's no lanes!

-There are no lanes.

-No lanes!

Oh! Look at that! Did you see what he did?!

-Laurent said just...

-Laurent's a lunatic!

SIREN BLARES

-You're so relaxed. Woohoo!

-I can't deal with that!

Oh!

This isn't even funny, this isn't right.

-It's the bikes.

-It is the bikes. The bikes are dangerous.

Look, he hasn't even got a bike,

he's just running there with a helmet on.

-What?!

-Go, go, go!

-Oh!

This way. Come on, man!

Let me through. Let me through.

Please don't do this, let's go off.

-Get off. Get off!

-I'm going round again.

MURPH LAUGHS

-Watch out on the right!

-BLEEP!

Oh!

Complicated here.

-Just get us off. Seriously.

-We'll go round one more time.

No, get us off! Get us off.

The BBC aren't paying us enough for this, get us off the roundabout.

Oh!

-We'll go round and we'll go off.

-What?! Stop!

Stop going round it! You keep going round. Stop going round.

-MURPH LAUGHS

-Get off!

Oh! I don't feel well.

-Get off.

-Traffic from the right.

-Oh, here we go, here we go! We're off!

-Go, go, go, go.

-We're off.

Please, God. Please, God. Please, God.

-Oh!

-And we made it!

What are you worrying about?

That was the worst I've ever in my life...

I've never in my life had an experience like that.

-What are you worrying about?

-That is insane.

-I thought you had confidence in me.

-Yeah, yeah, dead on. Right on.

MURPHY LAUGHS

That's all right. It sounded a lot worse.

-Whoa!

-I don't feel right.

How long do we have to keep them on?

-That's long enough.

-That's long enough.

-Cafe au lait.

-# Ole, ole, ole, ole, ole

-# Cafe au lait. #

-Don't.

Can you imagine how sick of that these people are going to be...

-Don't.

-..by the end of the summer?

-Stop.

-I'm going to put this back on.

I'm freezing.

-That was very good.

-Very, very good.

-That almost seemed spontaneous.

-I'm really...

HE LAUGHS

With the fans coming, it just doesn't have to be football.

It's Paris. Do you know what I mean? You're in Paris.

It'd be wasted if you don't do...

You can do this, you've got the Eiffel Tower,

you've got the museums, you've got galleries,

you've got the cafes, you've got just watching people.

You've got the whole thing, Paris has it all.

Whatever you may want, Paris' got something for you.

Or you can do that.

-No.

-Oh, yeah.

-No.

-Oh, come on. That looks good.

-No.

-No.

-Come on.

-No.

-Yeah.

-No.

-Yeah.

-No!

'So after five minutes' tuition,

'what else are two boys from Northern Ireland going to do

'on a couple of yokes with two wheels?

'I tell you what, race!'

Three, two, one, go!

Ah!

Boy!

Ah!

'Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

'It's a bit wet, you know.'

LAUGHS GLEEFULLY

You big girl's blouse!

It's this low centre of gravity, you see.

It's what happens when you're fatter!

THEY LAUGH

'No-one likes a sore loser, but a hater's going to hate.'

'Of course, everyone knows the French

'are renowned for their cuisine and us, not so much.

'So, on behalf of all the fans going to France this summer,

'we called in to this restaurant for a chat

'and some sea snails with the maitre d', Sebastien.'

Oh! That's...

-Go on.

-Whoa!

-Go on!

-That smells...

-Go on!

-That's not supposed to happen.

-Go on.

-No.

It's psychological.

'At this stage I was starving and just wanted something familiar.'

-So what do you call steak and chips?

-Yeah.

-If you were asking for steak and chips.

-Steak frites.

-If I walked in and says, can we have steak frites?

-No problem.

-Frites. Steak frites.

-Yeah.

-That's what I said.

-You didn't.

-I said steak frites.

-Steak frites.

-Steak fr... Say it again.

-Steak frites.

-That's it.

That's looks quite good. That looks good.

It moved!

-THEY LAUGH

-It moved. I'm not eating it.

-Try some.

-You didn't even cut into it.

-It moved!

-Nice and red.

-Yeah, is that rare? Or medium?

-That's medium rare.

-That's medium rare?!

-Yes.

That's what we call saignant.

SEBASTIEN LAUGHS

I've driven round the Arc de Triomphe, right?

I have attempted to eat a sea snail.

The least you can do is have a bit of steak.

-No, if I was to intake that into my body...

-Right.

..I would out-take it onto the table immediately.

It's because you don't have a developed palette.

Show the man why you don't have a developed palette.

This is the way you transport it. It's very delicate.

This is a homage to Paris.

These are Paris buns.

This is what we imagine Paris tastes like.

-OK.

-Oh, look at that.

The knife simply glides

through this with some effort.

This would be served as it is.

If you feel all the moisture leaving your body,

there's a glass of water there.

You can use these in flood situations,

under doors to stop the water getting in.

-Do you see if you keep this and hang this outside the cafe...

-Yeah.

-..when the Euros are on, they will come to you.

-They will flood in.

They will flood in. They will smell this from six miles away.

And if they do flood, you can use them to absorb all the moisture.

Now, to wash all of that down,

you may not know this,

but we are also wine connoisseurs.

I'll present it as it's normally presented.

-Uh-huh.

-BOTTLE LID CRACKS

-You hear the crack of that?

-You hear that? That's fresh.

I can hear them coming now.

-Oh, there's a vintage on it.

-Oh, yeah. I think it's Tuesday.

Are you working later?

-No.

-Good.

Just let it...breathe.

You may be able to hear it from there.

See what you think of that.

-Do I actually...?

-Oh, yeah. French way.

-Not too bad.

-What do you taste in that?

-Apart from a fight?

-What else?

-Well, it's kind of maderised a little bit on the end.

-OK.

It's drinkable.

But we would have it as an aperitif.

See, we were expecting you to take that and go, "Eurgh!"

No! No, look.

THEY LAUGH

See, this is how it starts. You see in about four hours' time.

In four hours' time, you'll have your underpants on your head.

Sebastien, you've qualified.

-You are now an honorary Northern Ireland supporter.

-Thank you.

-I appreciate it.

-Well done. Congratulations.

-Cheers.

-Good man.

'All of the people we met, to borrow a football phrase, were legends.

'Win, lose or draw, they'll have a great time in France this summer.'

'As for us two, well,

'maybe we just don't have what it takes to be true fans after all.'

-That's it.

-Yeah.

-Done.

-Done.

-Football show.

-Me and you!

THEY LAUGH

-The obvious choice...

-Absolutely.

-..if you're making a football show.

-We didn't talk to one footballer...

-No.

-..or kick a football.

-Kick a single football.

-Are you converted?

-To football?

-Yeah.

No!

Nope.

-Are you cold?

-I am freezing.

-I wish we'd brought them onesies.

-I know, I was just thinking that!