Episode 2 Michael Smiley: Something to Ride Home About

ROCK MUSIC

'I'm Michael Smiley, comedian, actor, North Down hellion.

'I've done stand-up, I've done drama, I've done film and TV.

'I've done all right for myself, but my true love is cycling,

'and 30 years after leaving home,

'I'm back for a pedal around Northern Ireland.

'This could turn out to be the ride of my life.'

SOUL MUSIC

This is the joy. That's what I signed up for.

Air's all sweet and heavy after the rain.

A lovely country road.

Way out in the countryside, beautiful. Absolutely lovely.

What's lovely is I get to cycle alone, get to think. You know?

Get meditative and stuff. But it's also nice to share it.

Cycling on your own's great,

but it's like watching a cartoon on your own.

You know, you're laughing,

but you want to share that laughter with somebody.

The push-bike and the joy and the smell

and the inspiration, you want to share it.

The other great thing about being out there with company

is you can slipstream.

If I was with my mate Bill, we used to cycle back in the day, he would

go to the front and he'd ride for as hard as he could and I would sit in.

So you can conserve your energy.

When he's knackered, he goes behind me and I move to the front.

The disadvantages was, Bill used to like a rake of Guinness

at night-time and a chicken jalfrezi, so...

Yeah. You know.

Nice country lane, sweet smell in the air,

and one of his air biscuits.

Takes the edge off things, doesn't it?

'Later I'll be enjoying the Loughshore air over in Jordanstown

'and comparing cycle times with gold medallist Martyn Irvine.'

I think I'm anaemic when I go to Europe.

He should go into one of those spray tan places or something.

'I'll be in Lisburn to meet the inspiring pensioner who

'pedalled her way into the record books.'

You're a beast. You're a beast of a woman.

-SHE LAUGHS

-I'm not.

'I get my first off-road cycling experience up

'a mountain in Kilbroney.

'All that and I also attempt a 25 mile time trial up

'the M1 near Dungannon.'

I hate it already.

'Now where was I? Oh, yeah. Slipstreaming.'

Slipstreaming, that's what you see in the Tour de France.

Get a long row of riders, one's in the back, saving their energy,

one in the front, goes as hard as he can,

then he pulls off, he goes to the back.

Then the one behind moves up and they keep doing that.

Cyclical, cyclical, cyc...

# I'm just a sucker for love

# Sucker for love Sucker for love, baby! #

As if by magic, the shopkeeper appeared, huh?

Hello, girls! Urgh!

Room for a wee one?

# Sexy little lady... #

'Found myself slipstreaming with the Steady Ladies Cycling Club,

'led by Frances Knipe, with members from Armagh, Portadown, all over.

'Thankfully, no air biscuits at the end of this pedal, just cake.'

We only cycle for the coffee stop.

We go from one coffee shop to the next.

We know all the coffee shops within a 25 mile radius of Armagh, I'd say.

Are you the founder of the Steady Ladies?

I suppose you could say I am, yes.

I decided it was time that ladies got out there on the road,

so started up a ladies' club.

-You're top hoo-hah. Number one dog.

-Well...

WOMEN LAUGH

MICHAEL HOWLS

I wanted to get out on a road bike and cycle,

but I felt a bit intimidated by the bunch of macho males racing

past in Lycra, so I decided that I would contact our local steady

cycling club, and spoke to them about starting up a women's group.

At the time, it was very clearly defined that this is

a women's group and no men were allowed to join it.

Had to be ladies,

and it was really to give ladies that opportunity to get out

cycling, get out on their bikes,

enjoy it without feeling in any way intimidated.

I think when men go out in a bunch, they talk about bikes,

they talk about gears, they talk about

when are they going to upgrade their wheels and blah, blah, blah.

When the women go out, what do we talk about?

We talk about our family and our interests and our holidays.

Cakes and men, cakes and men, isn't it?

Cycling for me is definitely an antidepressant,

and the old thing about, you know,

a problem shared is a problem halved, you know,

I go out and I cycle with these ladies and I say

I'm having trouble with my teenagers, or trouble

with my relationship or my elderly parents,

and somebody always has, "I feel the same way." Sharing.

I love getting out on the bike, chatting to these,

moaning about children not doing their homework,

and it's great to come back in and you're just like a new person.

It's great, yeah.

And you're doing something that's good for your body, mind and soul.

It's not like you're just going round the corner to moan

with your mate, having a cup of tea,

-you're doing something good.

-There's the guys.

-There's the Steady Boys.

-There goes the Steady Boys.

-Ooo-oooh!

-Hi, boys!

Look at them. Look at them.

LAUGHTER

-Do you want to become an honorary member?

-I would love to.

One is that you've got to be female, but you're not going to meet that.

-Got my feminine side.

-The other is your legs. We need to see your legs.

-You have to shave your legs.

-Without the socks.

Who's got the waxing kit?

WOMEN GIGGLE AND SHOUT

MICHAEL LAUGHS

Oh, no, no, no, no!

-Oh, sweet...

-Go on.

-Let's see.

Oh, jeez, you're not going to wax my leg!

-Aaaah! Ah-haa! Oh.

-One, two...

WOMEN LAUGH

Are you ready?

Ahhh, ya...!

WOMEN LAUGH

-Now you can be a member.

-Now you're a member.

-IN HIGH VOICE:

-Thank you so much!

WOMEN LAUGH

Got the freedom of the Steadies now.

I feel the pain of womanhood already.

WOMEN LAUGH

-Do you need to get another take?

-No, I don't need another take!

'Clearly, cycling's not just for hairy blokes like me.

'Steady Ladies, I salute you.'

Fair do.

# There ain't much time to say goodbye... #

This is a gorgeous day. Look at it there. This is a God-given day.

That is breathtaking. That's as beautiful as any place in the world.

I love women, I think that's a given.

# It's a given that I love the women! #

I think it comes from...

When I was growing up, I had a lot of aunties,

and they weren't really my aunties, they were my ma's mates.

So it was my Auntie Kathleen, my Auntie Dora, my Auntie Sarah

and my ma, and they used to go to Butlin's Mosney.

And my dad didn't go to Butlin's. He hated it.

He'd go fishing with Joey Buchanan and that.

They'd go fishing together to places like this, down to Warrenpoint.

Because all the men were away fishing,

I was used for the dancing.

So my Auntie Kathleen would get me out, she was my favourite.

Auntie Kathleen was exotic. She'd make you stand on her feet.

As my dad would say, "Upholstered to Rolls-Royce specifications."

HE LAUGHS

She'd take you round the dance floor, she'd whisper in your ear,

"Left, right, right, left, left, right."

I couldn't hear a thing cos I was wedged into her cleavage.

Belfast women are camp.

I love it.

Just talking like this, you see.

"Love your hairdo. Is that a hairdo or a scare do?

"I love what you've done. Love your dress.

"Has your man noticed the curtains are missing from the caravan?"

I think maybe in the old days,

the dancers were just a wee bit looser, you know?

Someone just spoke, they got a wee whistle at the back of the teeth.

And of course you would come home

and you'd go out for a rake of drinks,

and you'd find yourself falling asleep on the sofa,

then your ma would wake you,

and then you thought that she was using the S word on purpose.

"Morning, son. How you doing? What are you doing lying on the sofa?

"Why you lying on the sofa for, son?

"A wee sausage sandwich, son? A wee sausage sandwich?

"Make you a sausage sandwich and lie on the sofa, son. What about that?

"I'll bring down a san... Sofa..." "Stop it!"

"If you've got nothing nice to say about anybody,

"come and sit beside me."

Get them socks in the shot there, boy. That makes them tax deductible.

'With my new aerodynamic right leg,

'I headed off to Lisburn to meet cycling legend 86-year-old

'Isobel Woods, a truly inspirational woman who set no less

'than seven world records for long distance cycling.

'It was obvious what my first question to her was going to be.'

-What do you think of my socks, Isobel?

-Wonderful, wonderful.

Ooh, see them in the distance well.

-Of all your records, how many are still standing?

-Seven.

The Mizen Head to Fair Head, you done that...

-23 hours and two minutes.

-Less than a day.

-Mm-hmm.

-You done that in less than a day?

-Mm-hmm.

-Yes.

-Let me just get that right. You done that in less than a day?

You couldn't drive that in less than a day. Is that record still going?

That's the only one that has been broken, in 2007.

But the course that the girl took who beat it was 18 miles shorter,

so I didn't really feel too bad about losing it under those conditions.

Not in my eyes, you didn't lose. You didn't lose.

-You're still the record holder as far I'm concerned.

-Not really.

And you did that on a five speed.

With that ride, you'd have used all five gears, would you have?

I never really needed the five, I just seemed to stick to three.

-That was just my routine.

-You're a beast. You're a beast of a woman.

SHE LAUGHS

I'm not. Not at all.

Pushing a steel frame end to end in under a day.

-Yes.

-That is just... I'm...

HE MUMBLES NONSENSICALLY

Just blown me out of the water, that.

'Isobel has put her name to two brilliant books

'on Northern Ireland cycling, Wheels Of Change and Recycled Memories,

'which features photography from my other hero, Bill Kirk, and some

'great snaps of Isobel in her prime.'

-That's you. The wet gear.

-Our gear was all woollen.

Our jerseys were woollen. I was doing a 12 hour race. It rained

from the start till it finished. Solid rain for 12 hours.

-And wet wool.

-Very heavy. I had to change clothes

-four times during that.

-Does that bike still exist? Have you got it?

Yes, it's in the Transport Museum. They've done me very well.

They have the bike exhibited and the big six foot photograph above it.

-My bike's just outside.

-Yes.

-Could I invite you to have a wee look at it,

-see what you think of it?

-Certainly, certainly.

'Isobel doesn't know we've arranged to have her bike delivered from the

'museum so she can be reunited with it for this interview.'

-Is that my bike?

-That's your bike.

Very kindly, the Ulster Folk Museum and Transport Museum said...

-Imagine that.

-..they would let it out.

-Yes. Honest to goodness.

-Isn't it beautiful?

-A big surprise!

When you were doing the record-breaking rides,

what sort of food and drink would you take on?

Well, I usually made brown bread sandwiches with raisins and honey,

but the one race that I did want

a lot of hot tea in was, I did a 24-hour.

And where was that?

You had to go from Glengormley up to Cushendall and back and up again

and back, and then out to Dungannon direction and back, and up.

You had to sort of go back and forward four times on each road.

How does it feel, seeing it again after all those years?

Oh, wonderful, wonderful. You just miss,

you miss what it did for you, you know? Really.

That weight, with just five gears on,

you probably only used three gears.

And you're doing end-to-end of Ireland, road racing,

winning championships, that are still standing today, a champion.

-A champion, with a champion's bike. Look at that.

-You did make my day.

I didn't think I would ever get feeling it again, you know?

I've found that, you know, you're competing against the weather,

and so I sort of felt, I'll make friends with the road, you know?

-Yes!

-THEY LAUGH

"Make friends with the road." What a great expression. That's lovely.

Oh, I love it. It's so good!

If you haven't cycled long distances,

if you haven't cycled on your own along a country lane,

then you'll never understand what I'm talking about.

Once it gets into your blood, you'll do this for the rest of your life.

God willing, you know?

'When you have as many mountains in this country as we have,

'it's only a matter of time before somebody decided it would be a

'great idea to design a course on the side of a really steep one

'and ride bikes down it.

'High above Kilbroney Park in the Mournes,

'there's a new mountain biking centre designed by this man,

'Glyn O'Brien, fireman and gold-medal winner

'at the recent World Police and Fire Games, which was staged here.'

This one's called Mega Mission, and it's littered with man-made features.

Sounds like a nightclub in Ibiza, doesn't it?

Same sort of clothing, as well.

I hope you've brought a spare pair of pants, have you?

I have, I'm wearing them as we speak.

'Clearly not too worried about making me look stupid,

'Glyn strapped a little camera to my head and tried to test my mettle.'

This first bit is actually designed to be probably one of

the most technical features on the trail. It's quite steep.

There's a lot of big rocks and boulders and things like that.

It's designed that way so that, if you can get down the first section,

that you can ride down the rest of the trail quite easily.

You make that sound like a Christmas present, you know what I mean?

It is, it's a Christmas present every day.

If you eat this wee bit of dinner, you'll get a lovely bit of pudding afterwards.

-Yous country boys, huh?

-GLYN LAUGHS

One, two, three four...

ROCK GUITAR

I'll go the long way round.

Can anybody come up and go down that?

The beauty of it is, man, that we've got red and black graded

trails here, so basically, anybody that wants to try mountain-biking,

they can come up and have a blast round the easier graded trails.

And would I call you, and you would come out and I would be taken round?

Yes, pretty much. I think you can handle this part of the trail OK,

here, but just a few tips before you set off.

Keep your weight towards the back of the bike,

especially when we get up to speed and it gets quite steep.

The second one, then, is to look ahead all the time, to give

yourself plenty of time to react to what's on the trail.

The third one, then, is just to go as fast as you can and enjoy the ride.

It's so much more fun, riding off-road, than have to...

Let's not have a road versus mountain-biking,

let's not go down that road.

Look at the beautiful views, now, that you get up here.

I get to shave my legs. I get to shave my legs and wax my armpits.

Do you get many women, or is it nearly all blokes?

A lot of girls are getting into the sport now.

It is mostly male, guys, at the weekend, but a lot of girls

are getting into the sport, and doing the cross-country trails.

And what about the age groups?

That's the cool thing about mountain biking.

There's guys enjoying the sport, and they're literally this height.

To this, and everything in between.

All ages. I run a summer camp here as well.

And we have kids there, five and six years old.

And then we have guys, 60-plus get out here as well.

'Fair play to Glyn for helping put Northern Ireland on the map

'for mountain biking, but I think I'll stick to the open road for now.'

You've heard of the Hollywood Bowl?

I feel like I'm performing on the inside of the belly of a whale.

Jonah. Jonah of Jordanstown, huh? Look at that. Look over there.

Belfast Lough. We on the north side of it. I'm 50 years of age, right?

When I throw my leg over the bike, no matter what mood I'm in,

if I'm in a bad mood, if I'm depressed,

if I've had an argument with the missus, I throw my leg over the bike,

as I'm going along the road,

I can let the inner spirituality, the inner serenity, come out.

Cycling and serenity go hand in hand, for me. I love it.

I absolutely love it. I'm a complete nutter for it.

And this cycle path, which is

part of the National Cycle Route number five.

It's great, it means I can cycle along, at ease,

gives me a chance to look at all these commuters going in

and feel sorry, a wee bit.

Look at all them, going to work.

And in that car, there's a wee angry man, or a wee angry woman,

who's doing a job that he hates, and he's just had an argument

with his spouse back in the house, and the kids won't shut up.

Just getting more and more frustrated with life.

And all they can smell is their Magic Tree.

And all they've got for comfort is

the dulcet tones of some idiot on breakfast radio,

rabbiting on about somebody from the Moyard, who's just rung in,

who's found a four-leafed clover at the bottom of his garden,

and could they play some Chris Rea for us?

"And I'm going to work and nobody listens to me

"and I just sit there just punching numbers in on the phone,

"trying to get somebody to buy double glazing.

"And I don't even like double glazing!"

Morning!

How are you? See? Look at that. I always get a smile off people.

Not me, I'm cycling along the road, song in my heart,

wind in my hair, dead flies in my teeth.

'Jordanstown is also home to

'the Sports Institute of Northern Ireland, where elite athletes

'and professional sportspeople from all over the world come to

'train and overcome injury, using cutting-edge fitness technology.

'Mere mortals like you and me are not usually allowed in,

'but, luckily, Northern Ireland's world champion cycling star

'Martyn Irvine is here today, so they've let us in

'for a wee chat about all sorts of important cycling matters.'

And as you can see, Martyn's got the classic cycling tan here, look at that.

And I'm a white man, that is white, compared to a cyclist's tan.

-They must be laughing at you.

-I'm anaemic, look.

They think I'm anaemic, when I go to Europe.

It's a badge of honour, it's a badge of honour.

There's people that are going to be watching this now

and they're going, "He should go into one of those spray-tan places, or something.

"I know Deirdre, Deirdre'd give you a good hosing down, so she could."

And there's you there. Who are you actually racing for there?

That's Northern Ireland, which I get to ride for, once every four years.

The Commonwealth Games is it,

because I was born in Northern Ireland, I can ride for them.

But cycling in Ireland is cycling in Ireland.

It's seen as one country. That's why I ride for Ireland.

I just like riding my bike, so I'll ride for anybody that'll take me.

'Representing Ireland in 2012,

'Martyn became the first Irish cyclist in over 100 years

'to win a gold medal at a World Championship.

'But just four weeks after that achievement,

'he had a serious crash during a professional race in Taiwan.

'It was the team at the Sports Institute, led by physio

'Chris McNicholl, that helped put him back together, and now he's one of

'our best hopes for a cycling medal at the next Commonwealth Games.'

The terminology is, he had what you call

an intertrochanteric fracture of his hip.

That's why I didn't say it!

It's just, it's a very unusual injury in a young person.

So, for an elite cyclist, it's a huge injury.

Believe it or not, I was world champion, four weeks to the day

on the track, so I went off to Taiwan racing with the road team in Asia.

And then that's what I got for it.

It's a humbling experience.

Yes, it brings you back to ground.

Certainly does! It brought you back to ground pretty quick.

'One of the machines crucial to Martyn's recovery is this bad boy,

'the anti-gravity treadmill or, to you and me, a running machine

'that makes you feel like you're jogging on the moon.'

It was designed by NASA.

To try and increase the amount of weight-bearing

-that astronauts have in space.

-It's meant to suck you down.

For bone density, is that it? For astronauts, they would be

floating around, breaking their bones, and all this.

It creates gravity.

Now, it's the total opposite. It's like a leaf blower.

'Well, you know me. Never one to turn down the chance

'to try on a pair of skin-tight Lycra shorts

'and go all light on my feet in the name of science.

'And a cheap laugh, obviously.'

Take your hands off there, so we just can get your whole mass.

Lifted by the peelers, and my peelers are now airborne.

Oh, I'm up! Feel like Mary Poppins!

-Getting it, yes.

-I'll take you back to earth here, by the way.

I feel like an old man. Somebody get the brush for us, would you?

That running malarkey, that's only for chasing sheep down the hill.

Oh, I'm back up again, here we are now, I'm back on the balls of my feet.

Whoa! Ha-ha!

You can't get out now, I warn you, all right?

Oh! Ha-ha! Are you getting me underneath here, now?

HE LAUGHS

I don't want to come down, darling!

"Work-out ending".

That's one of the first times in my life that I've felt sad

when something said, "Work-out ended."

'I was starting to feel like I was fitting in

'at this centre for elite sporting excellence.

'So, no better time to put my own fitness to the test with Lisa,

'one of the strength and conditioning coaches, who is no stranger to

'working with athletes like myself.'

So I pull this bar up?

-You pull this bar up and push into the floor plate.

-OK.

And you're going to strain for six seconds and then, from that, I'll be

able to tell you how much force you're generating into the plate.

If you hear a rivet popping,

you might hear something just falling out.

I'll pick it up. It's all right.

Would you pick it up? Put it in a wee jar for us and I'll get it on the way out.

Three, two, one, go. Keep pulling, keep pulling, keep pulling right up,

right into the plate, keep going, three, two, one, done.

So, this is your force, as you're pushing into the plate for that six seconds.

That looks pretty rubbish, doesn't it? Why are you laughing?

-About 2,000 Newtons.

-You're laughing at me, aren't you?

So we divide that by your body weight.

It's not elite, but... it's good for first go.

So, if we were to try Martyn, we'd probably get a score of 50...

Well, we'll just see how Martyn does. We'll just see.

Ready? Three, two, one, go.

Go on, go on you! Pull her, boy!

Pull her, like you're pulling a tractor up a hill!

About 600 Newtons better than you.

600 Newtons. That's good.

What can I buy in a shop with 600 Newtons?

You could buy a few gold titles, probably!

Aye, aye, good answer. She's got a future!

'Not only is Martyn great company but he's a very inspiring man, too.

'And when he wins gold in the next Olympics, I'm hoping

'this signed team shirt will be worth a few quid on eBay.

'Seriously, though, I was blown away at the Sports Institute.

'Pity I couldn't have gone there when I had my own cycling accident.'

When I was a courier, there was an urban myth that if you go

onto Oxford Street, or onto the South Bank,

or onto the Marylebone Road,

and if you hit the first traffic light at 30mph,

and kept your bike at a constant 30mph,

it would be green lights all the way home.

There's one Friday, we'd all been paid, it was a good week,

and a whole rake of us met up and went to the pub on Friday night,

got a good drink into us.

And I had to be put onto the bike and strapped in,

and pushed onto Oxford Street.

Now, the thing about riding a bicycle is, you can't ride

a bicycle drunk, you can't do it slowly, you have to do it at speed.

Now, I'm not making that a serving suggestion.

This is definitely a cautionary tale. I'm saying, don't do this.

But, in my head I had a wee voice saying to me, "30mph."

Hit Oxford Street at speed.

Got across Oxford Circus and the lights are green.

Put it onto the big ring, and I was off like a young gazelle.

The next set of traffic lights goes green,

and I'm up and running now, like la-la-la-la, you know?

I'm feeling like Jack the Biscuit Man,

I'm feeling like the world is my lobster.

I catch myself in Selfridges' window.

The yellow jersey flashing past. "Mmm, you look magnifique!"

Because yeah, I was arrogant enough to think

I could ride around in a yellow Jersey.

Look back, lamp post, pfft!

I go over the top like an oven-ready chicken.

Face first, down into the ground, and up into a lamp post.

That's the last I remember. What I feel is a massive rush of warmth.

What I see is Close Encounters white light.

And then I'm out.

I'm coming to, in a hospital bed.

I'd split my lips in half, smashed my nose, and fractured my skull.

One side of my face looked like Braveheart.

Broken a bone in the elbow, chipped a bone off my knee.

Got home, and it was then I got into bed beside the missus

and pulled the duvet over my head. She leant over.

She pulled back the duvet and looked at me and went, "You stupid..."

HORNS BLARE

Right, as you can see, I'm not cycling. I'm in a van.

And the reason I'm in a van is

because I'm going to do a 25-mile time trial,

which I'm going to be taking part in, which is on down in Dungannon.

A bit nervous, to be honest. Because I've never done a time trial before.

But, as the old saying goes, fear knocked on the door. Faith answered.

And there was nobody there. Huh?

'My life-affirming optimism soon withered when I found myself

'among some very serious athletes with their game faces on.

'Organiser Tommy Lamb and his wife Marion brought me up to speed.'

This is the Ulster Championship, so obviously,

-it's only on once per year.

-Today?

-Yes, it's the Ulster Championship.

You never told me that. Today is the Ulster Championship.

You just said we're just doing a 25-mile time trial.

You never said it was the Ulster Championship!

-You're eligible.

-I'm not... I'm in the Ulster Championship now!

I thought it was just... I'm going to kill you.

When you get more serious into cycling,

it's the dream of every cyclist to break the hour, which is

obviously 25mph,

and a lot of these guys today will be under the hour, and well under.

I'm a bit nervous about it, to be honest. How are you feeling?

Are you OK? How do you feel before races? Do you get a bit...?

A bit nervy, a bit nervous, 25 miles.

I've never done it in a time trial situation before. So it's a bit...

So, tell me about this bike here. How long have you been using them?

When did you have your injury?

I had my injury in 2001.

Cycling's just, it's a nice sport, it's sort of, out in the fresh air.

-Can I go for a spin on it?

-Certainly, yeah.

-Go as low as you can?

-Yeah.

This is great.

Hey-hey! C'mere, you!

Ha-ha! Aye, you thought I'd gone, had you?

I think, Michael, you can take my place, here.

-It's great fun, but it's work, man, isn't it?

-Yeah.

How do you think you'll do today? What do you think your time will be?

-I think maybe about, about 140, or something.

-140?

Maybe, yeah. I think so.

I'm looking for about the two, two-and-a-half

mark, for meself.

Think there might be a cappuccino stop or something, for me.

'Not only is this my first time trial,

'but I've never cycled on a motorway before.'

-So, go left?

-Yes, straight to the roundabout and back again.

You'll not get lost.

Five, four, three, two one, go!

'I have to say, it was a bit of a shock, to say the least,

'to see what I'd be sharing the road with.'

TRAFFIC ROARS

I hate it already.

What a lonely...

horrible...

pressurised existence.

There he goes.

I'd like to be happy for them.

But I'm not.

I tell you that.

I am not smelling the soft country air now.

I'm smelling blood.

It's my own.

It's filling my ears.

I shouldn't worry about it.

It's only the Ulster Championships.

"Oh, aye, let's do a time trial."

Keep tapping them out.

Keep tapping them out. Keep tapping them out.

Keep tapping them out...

Unst, unst, unst, tapping them out!

HE MIMICS CLUB MUSIC BASSLINE

When we headed off, your man said we can't get lost.

Says head to the roundabout and come back.

What he didn't tell me was...

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

It was Ballygawley roundabout.

Tell you something. It's times like this...

that you wish you had a welded undercarriage, like an Action Man.

Oh!

There's your man. Flew past me like I didn't exist.

Not remember me? I was in Luther!

Tyres! Huh?

I was a zombie in Shaun of the Dead, if you freeze-frame.

Is that of no interest to you? Ah, whatever.

Ai-yi-yah!

Oh, this hurts, man.

This really hurts.

That's me, anyway.

I'm feeling...

..not good, around here.

This is really tight.

One thing's for sure. I'm not a time-triallist.

And I have the utmost respect for people who are.

There's more of these heroes coming in now. Go on, you boy, you!

He had a wee shout, too!

Ultimately, you know, I'm not built for this game.

These boys, just, they're beasts.

Lonely, lonely beasts.

Cut it, now. Live to fight another day.

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

You know, I've lived here for four years, and I've never been up here.

-Why not?

-I was too drunk!

MUSIC: "You Can't Be Told" by Valerie June

# Won't do right and he can't be told

# No, he can't be told

# No, he can't be told

# Won't do right and he can't be told

# No, he can't be told

# No, he can't be told. #