Liz Smith's Summer Cruise

Hello. I'm in the middle of a great dilemma.

Which cruise line is best for a short cruise?

Now, I've got here a brochure, but it looks a bit...

..sort of rubbishy.

Oh, is it?

P&O Cruises.

And they're really lovely.

You don't need any tickets, just go straight down

and join the queue to come up the gangway. Up there, OK?

RINGING

Who is that?

Liz, it's Daisy.

Oh, it's Daisy, is it?!

Do you want to come up?

I'll put some shoes on instead of slippers. Which would look...

I'll put my best shoes on.

That old mirror must have seen a few people, mustn't it?

It must have been in some very handsome rooms,

not a bit like this one!

I used to buy lots of things,

but I had to get rid of them when I came to live in a flat.

Come downstairs with me.

Why did you move to a little flat?

It's just lovely. It's so lonely.

You see, my husband left...

What was it?

About 1957 kind of time, a long time.

Lived in houses by myself...

..all those years. Been very, very lonely.

It's lovely when you come back and there are people here to say where you've been,

what you've done, advice, you know, which optician to go to and where you get your new false teeth.

That reminds me, I need some new false teeth.

I've got to get some before I go on this thing.

I need some more.

Come on, Daisy.

Will everyone be jealous of your cruise?

No, they'll just be interested.

Got nothing to be jealous of because they've all done things. Yeah.

-Ladies?

-Oh, hello.

Ladies, I've got a question.

I think these are much travelled ladies.

-We haven't always been.

-No!

You've lived!

That's true! That's right.

I've come for a bit of advice

because we don't know the different cruise lines.

Now, does any...

Fred Olsen. Fred Olsen's the best.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

I've been on the Queen.

It was very rough going through the Bay of Biscay!

We were fortunate. We didn't have any rough weather at all,

it was just a millpond all the way there and back. It was wonderful.

Have you got a photograph of you with the captain?

I've got ever so many handsome captains.

-The thing is everybody has their photograph taken with the captain.

-Sex mad!

-Goodness me!

-You're in it already.

These prices aren't bad from what I can see.

Where did you go?

-I flew out to Barbados.

-Oooh.

It is nice to fly and then to be able to get straight on your ship.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-It's great.

You've been on cruises, haven't you?

Have you ever been on Royal Caribbean?

-Yes.

-You have?

-I have.

-How was it?

Nothing wrong with it at all, it was us.

We hated it.

THEY LAUGH

You don't get a moment's peace as every single square inch of the boat is wired for sound.

Ooooh.

And on the formal evenings we worse white tie and tails

-and the Americans were wearing jeans and t-shirts.

-Ooooh!

And I sat there like a twit...

I don't think it's for us, is it?

-We don't want that.

-No, we don't.

Have you got any painkillers?

Anybody got an Paracetamol or anything?

Not here. I've got some upstairs.

The last cruise ship I was on was a troop ship.

Oh, very nice.

About 30 girls in one cabin.

So this will be a very different one whatever it is.

I'm off now! Thanks a lot, girls.

-OK, see you.

-And boy. Thank you.

Well, the world's your oyster! The world's your oyster!

-Hasn't helped at all, has it?

-No.

Sounds terrible, doesn't it?

We'd go mad, wouldn't we?

Muzak.

No, not muzak. Not muzak, no.

Oh, dear.

Back to the little nest.

Better than living on your own, you know?

Takes a lot of the responsibility away of running a house.

How come you're still working at 86?

Don't know really.

Well, you need a bit of interest, don't you?

Otherwise you can...

you can retire and get...

soggy. You know?

If I'm left alone, I'm full of resolutions,

full of things I should be doing,

and I sit there and I think about it

and I think about it and I think about it.

And that's all.

So why a cruise, Liz?

Why did you want to go on a cruise?

I can't remember saying I did!

-Really? So you don't really want to go on a cruise?

-Not really!

You're dreading it!

Yeah.

I won't have a thing to wear.

It's very fashionable at the moment.

Yeah, I like the bling, yeah.

-I like bling.

-Snazzy cossie.

-Now, that would be nice..

-Yes.

-Oooh, look at that!

-And that gorgeous...

I don't mind people seeing my suspenders.

That is the most gorgeous colour. It looks like something that would feel...

Relaxed fabric.

Well, cheers. SHE CHUCKLES

I'll be a vision in black and white.

-It is posh here, isn't it?

-It is posh. It is posh.

It's been a posh day.

Loved it.

Do you approve, then?

-Very nice.

-Very nice.

-Very stylish.

Come on! Come on!

I lock that because there's evil around.

Mystery and evil is about.

Strange things.

Strange things are happening.

Strange things are happening!

Lock the door!

Lock the door!

-# Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye. #

-Bye!

Be good! Be good!

Send us a postcard.

The whole idea of Venice is thrilling.

So how are your sea legs?

Oh, terrible. I'll probably be seasick the whole time.

I'll probably, for the whole voyage, won't be able to get off the bed,

because I'll be seasick.

It'll probably end up a disaster!

You take my hand for the last bit there. There we go.

-Thank you very much.

-Welcome aboard.

Thank you!

Very nice.

Oh, we're here.

We're here. We're here. We're here.

-Thank you.

-Welcome on board.

I'm going to put my feet up for two minutes.

On behalf of Captain Clive Partend, his officers and crew,

we extend to you a very warm welcome on board Hebridean Spirit.

Afternoon tea is being served in the Skylounge, which is at the after end of deck three.

Thank you.

Is that thing up there wobbling or am I wobbling?

It's wobbling.

So I'm all right, am I?

For a little bit longer. Oh!

Oh, what a relief.

What a relief. Aw!

Draw the curtains.

We're just about ready to sail.

When you hear the signal, please take your lifejacket from your cabin

and go to your muster station in the Skylounge.

The signal for the drill is seven short rings, followed by one long ring on the ship's alarm system.

ALARM SOUNDS

Floor exercise, floor exercise.

All guests and associated crew to muster stations.

Floor exercise, floor exercise.

All guests and associated crew to muster stations.

We jump out of the boat this side.

Look.

How's that? A kid would love that!

How can I turn it off?

The light will only come on once it's immersed in salt water anyway.

One arm across the top of the block in front of you and hold your bows,

and then look at the side of the ship and just step off,

trying to keep both feet together.

And then, hopefully, you'll enter the water

-with both feet together and then the life jacket will take over.

-Oh, God.

If, throughout the week, you see anybody fall over the side of the ship,

there are lifebelts all around the ship, please pick up a lifebelt,

throw it into the water in their general direction, because once somebody falls into the water,

it's like looking for a needle in a haystack.

OK, Maureen Booth.

-Anne Broxon.

-Yes.

-Christopher Broxon.

-Here.

-Graham Bormley.

-Here.

-Douglas Scott.

John Shell.

-Liz Smith.

-Yes.

-James Smith.

-Yeah.

We're moving. Look.

The last time I was on a ship was in 1942.

And that was a troop ship.

It wasn't nearly as comfortable as this.

There'd be about at least 20 or more WRENS living in that space.

It's a distinct improvement.

Look forward to meeting some of you.

There will be a Pimm's reception at which you'll be introduced to

some of the people who will be looking after you on the cruise.

Good evening. How are you? I'm Anthony Stephens, chief purser. Would you like to have a Pimm's?

-I'd love one.

-Excellent. There we go then.

-Thank you very much.

-There it is.

-Thank you.

How about this?

I have thought about cruises, but I've been nervous to go on them

because I would go as a single person, and there's always

that moment of, "Will you meet enough people to be friendly with you or will you be isolated?"

I want to be included.

I'm cramping your style because if I wasn't here you'd go and sit with them.

No, I wouldn't.

They wouldn't want me.

-Course they would.

-They wouldn't, they wouldn't want me.

I don't believe that, they'd love to talk to you.

No, they wouldn't. I'm not wanted. No.

No. That's my big complex.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

My name's Anthony Stephens. I'm chief purser on board Hebridean Spirit,

and the first officer I'm going to introduce you to is

one I hope you only have to meet socially,

and that is the ship's medical officer. That's Dr Black.

He said, "How are you feeling?" I said, "Do I look awful?"

When a doctor says to you, "Hw are you feeling?" you've got be a bit worried.

-Come on.

-Next we have our purser...

-Hello. Lovely to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

Didn't want to interfere, but lovely to have you on board.

-Thank you very much!

-We're on our honeymoon.

-Oh, are you really?!

-Yes!

-How romantic!

-We got married in March.

-How lovely. What a lovely ship for a honeymoon.

-It is, just like a hotel.

-Just beautiful.

Really lovely.

Have a super time, I'm sure you will.

See you anyway. Lovely to see you.

-That's nice, isn't it?

-See?

Everybody's longing to talk to you.

But that's nice, isn't it, to be on a honeymoon.

God, I've forgotten what it's like to be on a honeymoon.

I went on my honeymoon in 1945.

Come on! There you go, the honeymoon didn't last very long.

I'll take you down for dinner!

Oooh, look! Aren't I lucky!

So early in the cruise and you've got male company already.

Are you taking the lift?

-The stairs are a nuisance.

-Yes, they are. After you. It's down here.

No, we're not. We're down here.

-Pressed the wrong button.

-Are we on the right floor?

-No. Back in again.

-Haberdashery.

-We need to go up to...

-Ladieswear.

-We need to be on two.

Getting around, aren't we?

Oh, lovely.

Table 15.

Do you think you'll make any friends?

Made some, haven't I?

It's nice if they give me a smile.

-Lovely morning.

-Beautiful sight.

-Very, very fresh.

Look at that. Just look!

Sunshine, fresh air, very good.

How lovely. Lovely, lovely.

'To be 86, and nearly 87, don't forget,

'I think when you're that age, you do wonder,

'"How much longer have I got?"'

Fresh food, croissant, cooked breakfast, yoghurt...

-'So, you don't want to waste it.'

-This is Sergei. Professional cook.

-Morning, Sergei.

-We have plenty kippers.

-Plenty kippers?

-Yeah.

Oh, I like kippers.

Very, very good. Many people like this one.

-Oh, what a lovely kipper!

-Very hot plate.

Five minutes ago, I ordered a kipper.

You caught it, he cooked it.

-Prepared for you.

-Ooh, look at it, though.

It's a gorgeous kipper, look.

Little cafes, tea, cake...

Yes. There's a shopping complex. Whole shopping, bar.

-With a little bar, cafe.

-Yes, yes.

-It's on this road.

-Good.

Do you like football here? Is football big?

Not much. I like motorbikes.

-You like motorbikes?

-Yes.

Guns and Roses is better.

I don't know that one.

I like, um...

Roy Orbison.

-He's the...

-Roy Orbison.

Yes, it's different music.

Lovely. It speaks every language, doesn't it? Music.

# Pretty woman

# Walking down the street

# Pretty woman

# The kind I like to meet

# Pretty woman

# I don't believe you, you're not the truth

# No-one could look as good as you... # Come in, girls.

The fan club!

That's nice, isn't it?

I tell you...

that's what it's all about, isn't it?

That's the happiness.

# ..as can be

# Are you lonely just like me? #

We were guessing you were...trying to think of your name.

-Oh, yeah.

-What are you filming?

Vicar Of Dibley, that's all we could think of.

That's nice, you know, when you're just buying half a pound of butter

and somebody yells at you, "I love you". It's nice. Very nice.

I like it.

It's quite strange, isn't it, though?

That they feel they know you.

Yes. They do.

I've been into their living room, you see.

There's a huge difference of being part of,

you know, a really huge...

family and yet, feeling...

..isolated, really. Yeah.

It's an odd mixture.

That's lovely. Thank you.

What were you like as a little girl?

I always had one knicker leg hanging right down.

And apparently, I used to spit.

A bit rough, a bit rough.

I lived in a house with my grandma and grandad

because my mother had died.

My father, I hardly ever saw.

He used to pop up sometimes.

But one day, he met me coming out of Sunday school and he waved to me

and he said, "Bye-bye, kid.

"Bye-bye. I'll write.

"I'll write," he said.

And he backed away against the sun.

And that's the last I saw of him.

And then, after that, my grandfather,

who was wonderful, and I adored, died

in a big flu epidemic,

which left me alone with my grieving grandmother now isolated and alone

in this...

Hello, kids.

Why did your mother die?

She died in childbirth.

And the baby died as well. Otherwise, I'd have had a sister, you see.

So, it left us with nobody.

So, my grandma sent me out to do things to be with other children.

And that's how I started doing little

plays and things at the church hall and making people...

I felt, "This is what I want to do."

I love this, laughter, and the light and everything.

So that's how it started.

From that day on and it took a long time, I might say, a long time.

I got rejections until I was 50.

I had to wait till 50 before it really started.

My best years have been in my 80s!

Will you explain to me what this says?

This is especially good.

-This a special honey.

-This is like three Viagra.

Viagra?

Oh, my goodness me!

Oh, well, I'll be all right now then, because this is good for Viagra.

Yes, that's right. Perhaps before you pay...

Try it. Taste it.

Try it? A demonstration?

Demonstration...

I'll buy that.

Many terrorists, tourists...

I'm not a terrorist! SHE LAUGHS

I don't speak good English, sorry.

-Is good for orgasmismus.

-Orgasmismus.

THEY LAUGH

What is this?

What's good for my orgasm is good.

Oh, a little bag.

Ja, it's included in the price.

-Is it included?

-If you like, pay me. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Very nice.

-Happy, happy.

-You're welcome.

-Thank you very much.

-Come back next year.

I look forward to that.

-And we see how is this orgasma...

-And see how my orgasma is.

-Yeah.

Thank you very much.

-You're welcome.

-Bye-bye.

-Ciao, baby.

-Happy days. Ciao, baby.

Ciao, baby.

"Ciao baby," he says.

Excuse me, I'm just going to look at a jumper now.

Good evening, everybody.

Well, we got a few murmurs.

I don't think it'll get much worse than this tonight.

We're just off the shore now.

Northerly winds, although a little bit chilly,

usually mean clear blue skies.

-As we had today. Cheers.

-Cheers!

CLAPPING

How long have you been on your own?

Well, I was married in 1945.

He left 11 years later and I've been on my own since then.

-So it's a long time.

-Since 1957, really.

You see, we got married in '56.

That was when I was divorcing.

That's a long time to be on your own.

It is, it is.

Some things, you find it very difficult to do.

Going on holiday is one of them.

-Yes. I can believe that.

-No, very.

I've got some widowed friends and they will cruise because they're never left alone.

-No.

-Sometimes, they're a bit too organised on some of these huge

-ships where they have male dance partners and all that laid on.

-Well, that's what I wanted to avoid.

SHE GIGGLES

Oh, God!

Is it the ship or is it me?

It is not the ship.

It's not the ship.

-We're still in port!

-THEY LAUGH

We're still in port.

-We'll take a left.

-I'm glad you're there.

I'm glad too. You're holding me up.

-Do you want to take the lift or the stairs?

-Ooh, no, lift, please.

-You're looking very nice.

-Thank you.

It's nice to have some interest.

Oh, how did you get there so quickly?

My goodness!

So quick.

It's a wobbly ship.

I've had nothing but water all evening.

It's the ship...

It's wobbly.

'If there are more guests who would like to go ashore this morning,

'we have a tender just coming alongside. Thank you.'

Is that the tender?

You can be quite energetic on this cruise if you want, can't you?

If you want.

The sea looks a bit choppy to me.

I don't fancy bouncing up and down in a tender boat.

I'll go and take my blood pressure tablets, I think.

You know that tender, is it very...?

No, I don't think so.

It is all right to go?

Yeah. It's all right to go.

But they're going backwards and forwards all day.

Yeah, sure.

Going in about an hour.

Looking forward to it very much.

Isn't that nice? Look.

They've done me a butterfly.

This is my blood pressure tablets.

Loads and loads and loads.

How many of those a day then?

Just one of each.

Does the tender bob up and down?

It probably does a bit.

Wonderful. Nice to be on dry land again, isn't it?

I don't think I'm a sea-going type, really.

Oh! How lovely!

Everybody to the person, they just absolutely adore you.

There you are! There you are, Nursy.

-She doesn't believe it.

-Pardon?

-There you go. We don't lie.

-No, we don't lie.

Very fond, very fond of you.

We meet a lot of people and everyone to the very last...

I think we'll have to love you and leave you.

-And we do love you.

-Thank you. Thank you.

-Remember us.

-Thank you.

Thank you. I will now have a picture.

Oh, have you got that? SHE LAUGHS

Did you catch that, Daisy?

-Yes, I did.

-Did you catch that?

-We can have a re-run.

-We don't mind.

-SHE CACKLES WITH LAUGHTER

Have you got that, Daisy?

Yes, Liz.

'I think they like the character, the part, I think that's what they love probably.

'I've been lucky to have endearing parts,

'like Nana who's endearing.

'She was an old bag, really, but they liked her.'

SHOUTING FROM INSIDE

-Mysterious.

-Hello!

-Isn't it lovely here?

-Beautiful.

-I love it.

-If you keep going, you'll come to a big open square with lots of nice coffee shops.

Oh, that's what I'm looking for!

'I haven't had, erm, a bundle of friends. Some people do.'

What is this one here, that one?

Haselnuss. Nut.

'In my childhood, everybody disappeared, one reason or another.

'It's left me marked for my life, really.

'Which I think everybody is in their own way.'

-Good?

-Delicious. Very good.

Thank you.

'People get their impression of you, but they really don't know

'what it is that makes you react in the way you do.'

That's good, look.

Abdominal band.

Hold you in a bit.

Do you have TCP, a small bottle?

-Er, T...?

-TCP, gargle?

-Ah, gargle.

-TCP.

-TCP, no.

-Smaller.

Everything is...

-Big. It's big.

-It's big.

Thank you. Thank you.

I should have bought an abdo...abdominal band.

'If you get anyone who realises why you react the way you do,

'then they are a real friend.

'But you would be extraordinary if you had a friend as good as all that.

'There are not many real friends about.

'Everybody's pretending.'

What d'you think goes on in this town, then, Liz?

Murder, intrigue.

Lust and love.

Don't go down the alleyways at night.

At least not by yourself.

Liz, do you want to have a look round the deck or do you want to go in the town?

No, I want to sit down for a little while, have a rest, and close my eyes

and be quiet for a while,

and take my blood pressure tablets.

Erm, and go out later, when I've had a rest.

I was filled with doubts about coming, right up to the last moment, and I thought, "The ship will sink,"

or, "Oh, think about the Titanic,"

you know.

All those worries disappear once you get here, you see.

You find that it's like a really lovely hotel to live in.

-There's an announcement...

-'Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see,

'one o'clock has come and gone, and we're still here.

'I do apologise for this interruption to our normal schedule,

'but a last-minute change in the regulations at Split harbour

'regarding refuelling has forced this move upon us.

'At the moment we're making arrangements to return the guests

'that are ashore back to join us here for lunch.

'And we'll also be making alternative arrangements for your afternoon ashore.

'Or rather, how to get you ashore.'

I think you like being trapped here.

Well, who wouldn't like being trapped here?

Look at this, I'm trapped here.

Ooh, lovely!

But don't you want to see Split?

I do want to see...Slick?

-Split!

-Plit?!

Whatever it's called, it looks lovely.

Do you think being a performer was in your genes?

I do, really. My mother was a performer,

in that she, erm... was a very, very good piano player.

But I couldn't ever see her doing a...

But not that I knew her, I didn't know her anyway.

I didn't know her.

Didn't know her.

Really. Except I do know her.

All the time I know her, really.

Couldn't have done without her, although she wasn't there, you see?

Particularly as I had been...

isolated and a lonely child,

I'm delighted to say, I did have two children, yes.

Because I needed a family, very badly.

The whole point of the Royle Family is that they love each other.

They hang together as a family, and that's the important thing.

And that's what

we don't do enough of, at the moment, I think.

Was it nice to be part of that family?

Oh, it certainly was.

You did...you did feel part of a family.

Is that an almond biscuit?

Ooh, I like almond biscuits.

It is an almond biscuit.

'All I want to do is just sit and do nothing, nothing, nothing.

'Just stare into space.

'Not even read a book, or anything, you know?

'Because I have been busy, it makes me tired to think of it, really.

'All the work.

'Oh, God, all the work!'

We're going to be kidnapped.

Taken away in that train.

It's really weird.

Menacing, menacing.

Very menacing.

Just feel that you'll never really get away from here.

We're in strange Kafka... we're in Kafka country now.

A little bit of Kafka.

Mm.

I don't know what's going to happen to us now.

We may turn into beetles.

And we're going away in that train to be...shredded.

You never know, do you, what's going to happen?

I think I'll just go and find a lavatory.

'Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

'At half past ten this morning, the ship's company will be carrying out a practice drill.

'Now this does not involve you at all...'

What's that noise?

D'you think it's water rushing in?

Yes.

Should we tell somebody?

I can't get out.

I can't get out.

It's shut.

It's moments like this that makes you worry about coming on a cruise.

I think we're in a forbidden area. Look.

-Crew only.

-Oh, dear.

ALARM SOUNDS

Huh!

-Oh!

-'Floor exercise, floor exercise...'

Oh, I'm nervous, I'm a nervous type, you know.

'..emergency stations. Floor exercise, ship's company to general emergency stations.'

Ooh! Don't they look marvellous?

They're fantastic, aren't they?

-Hello!

-How are you?

-Ha-ha-ha-ha! You all look very posh there in your bright orange.

-Yes.

ALARM SOUNDS

I like the design of this life jacket.

It's far better than the ones we used to call the Mae West,

which was a great big draping thing, and you had to adjust lots of things.

There's a simplicity about that that I think is jolly good.

I would believe it could hold you up, but I hope to God it never has to.

Do people who are 86 think about how they're going to go?

Yes, they do.

All the time, every day.

They do.

And when people they know go, they think, "What was it like?"

-Don't set me off, you'll spoil my dinner, thinking about it.

-Really?

No! Not really.

I mean, the whole thing is...

the whole thing... the whole silly thing is...

..I might live longer than you!

You see, you don't know.

That's the funny thing.

Hello! How are you today?

-Tired.

-Tired?

-You been busy?

-Yes, I have, my feet could do with a bit of loving care.

A bit of TLC, do you want to come through?

Am I allowed to go to sleep?

You can if you want to, you carry on.

Oh, my goodness!

Look, feet and legs don't go as old and wrinkly as your face and neck.

D'you feel your age, Liz?

My legs feel my age.

They don't...work as well.

My, er, soul...

and my heart, is still young.

But it's not bad, not bad.

Nothing to moan about.

I'm a lucky girl!

And perhaps you could have a day off tomorrow.

And not do it...

-Don't you think you've got, honestly, enough?

-Yeah, I do.

-How many hours have you got?

-About 18.

-80?

-18.

Oh, 18...

Morning!

Look there! That's Italy!

That's nice, we're being brought in by pilot boat, that's good, isn't it?

That's very good. Anthony.

And do they call you Antonio?

-Only when she's in a bad temper.

-Oh!

# Oh! Antonio

# He's gone away

# Left me alone-ee-o

# All on my own-ee-o

# I'd like to find him with his new sweetheart

# Then up will go Antonio and his ice cream cart. #

'It's an old song. My gran would sing it when I was a little girl.

# I want to meet him with his new sweetheart

# Then up will go Antonio and his ice cream cart. #

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

Suddenly everybody looks Italian. Suddenly!

They're very attractive.

They have a more joyful expression than further up the coast.

Why do you think you never met another husband?

I never met one free enough to be my companion.

Not that I would want to be a married one again,

but to have had the companionship, I'd have liked.

But I didn't.

Thank you very much, thank you.

Oh, it's a little one.

It's one of those...it's one of those little ones.

I like a big one. I should have said latte, shouldn't I?

Thank you very much, thank you.

It's all latte. It's all latte.

There's no coffee in it.

We haven't got it quite right, have we?

-We haven't got it right.

-No.

This is what...

I've got a glass of milk!

Oh, dear!

I want a cup of coff... I know.

Don't you want it?

Very nice.

Coffee latte.

You've always played old ladies, haven't you?

'I have. The first play I was ever in,

'I would be about seven or eight years old,

'and, erm, I was the cook, I was about 55 years old.'

Little bell.

'And I never wanted to play anything younger, never.

'It is me, hiding.

'I want to hide, I can't... I can't bear people to see me.

'I can't bear to reveal myself now.'

-SHOP ASSISTANT TALKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE Oh, oh, oh.

-Si.

-Yeah.

-It's a good thing you're an actress.

-'Yeah, it's been lovely.'

I'm going back to the ship now.

Take a rest after that.

'The life I was lucky enough to develop,

'in acting and theatre and film so on,

'supplied me with a lot of life and interest and happiness.

'It's been lovely. It's been a lovely thing to happen.'

I've finished the hat.

'If you have any mussels at the restaurant in Venice, this is probably where they come from.'

You can see the hat from three angles, you know.

Oh, lovely.

Lovely, it's like a milliner's thing.

I enjoy the wardrobe side very much.

I get great pleasure in wearing a really wretched outfit,

and an old pair of boots.

Then I love to go home,

I'm mad about clothes and I love to dress up.

I really would love to play an exceedingly glamorous role,

probably a queen or something really grand, you know?

Ah!

What is that?

That's charcoal.

The whole idea of Venice is thrilling.

You'll get the best view, come with me.

-And you'll get a bit of sunshine as well.

-Oh, lovely.

You've even got some people to talk to there.

Oh! Isn't it lovely?

Look at these knots.

-You realise, if you ring the bell, you have to buy everybody on the ship a drink?

-Oh!

-Everybody?

-Everybody!

I'd be bankrupt, wouldn't I?

You going ashore?

-In a minute.

-Oh, OK.

-We can have a little...

-Yeah, have a little wander.

-Ooh!

Get this on camera. Go on.

Get that on camera.

People will be talking about us again. Have you been to Venice before?

-No, have you?

-No, first time, Barbara has been before, and she tells me

it's an absolute magical place. You don't want to drop down.

I don't want to drop down there,

I'm not thinking of dropping down there actually!

D'you want me to help you down the stairs, Liz?

I don't think so, because there's a rail. If there's a rail, that's fine.

'..which is called, in Venetian language...

'The canals in Venice are deep no more than five, six metres.'

Oh, look at the splendid facade.

-Thank you, no.

-We'll get you over here and on to a chair, OK?

-Yeah.

-Here's the party, so we're OK.

All right? Let's get you sat down.

Glad you came?

Yeah.

Sort of.

Sort of.

I'm so cross with myself because I can't remember the name

of the character you played in the Vicar of Dibley.

What was she called?

-Letitia.

-It's lovely, it's lovely.

A marvellous name.

Letitia Cropley.

Maker of cakes.

I didn't like it quite so much after the girl got married. I didn't like it quite so much after that.

I didn't watch it after that,

cos I was upset because I'd been killed off.

-Yes, of course, yes.

-I was fed up for being killed off.

-Ah, dear!

-I died of a heart attack.

I'm not surprised after your cooking!

The last five jobs I've done, I've been killed off.

Does it give you a strange feeling to be killed off in a part?

-I'm used to it now.

-But you don't ever really get used to it, do you?

Sometimes I'm glad to go, get off! SHE CHUCKLES

I can't see any canals.

You'll see them from the gondola.

Where are they?

I'm just deciding whether to get in a gondola or not.

-It's a nice experience.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

Will you put your hat on?

-Got his hat on. Has he got his hat on?

-Yes. Looks lovely.

If you weren't an actress, what do you think you would have been?

'I'd like to have had a glorious singing voice and been a famous opera singer, really.'

-It's high tide!

-High tide?

-High tide. So it's difficult.

'I think to have a glorious singing voice must be one of the nicest things to have.

'But if you ain't got it, you ain't got it, have you?'

-Wait a moment...

-I'm just getting the shot, I'm not...

-Let me get my voice ready.

-Yeah.

-SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

# O solo mio!

# Oh, here am I

# I am in Venice

# Near Bridge of Sigh

# Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my

# Oh, my, oh, my

# Oh, my, oh, my! # SHE LAUGHS

-Hello! I'm back.

-Hello!

-Here I am!

-Did you enjoy it?

-I had a lovely time, thank you very much.

-Did you?

-It was a jolly good cruise.

-Did you swim?

No, it wasn't a big enough ship. A lot of water.

Did you find a nice fancy man, a nice sailor?

They were all married?

-Oh!

-I wasn't able to bring a nice man back for anybody.

-Oh!

So I'll have to go again, especially!

-Did you have lots of wonderful food?

-The food was marvellous.

-And would you go again?

-Oh, I think it makes a lovely holiday.

-Yes...

-But for me, there was rather a lot of water.

-Too much water?

Especially in Venice.

-It was water, water, everywhere.

-Lots of water everywhere.

-It was, yeah.

-It sounds wonderful.

It was, it was.

All I want to do really is just sit down!

Sit on the sofa.

Nothing is as important as it was, because, you know, like,

I used to worry if my stockings were laddered, throw them away.

Now, I don't mind going around with laddered stockings.

Lots of things you used to worry about when you were younger,

you think, "Why on earth did I worry about that?"

It all sorts itself out in the end.

-Hands up who wants fish and chips on Saturday?

-Fish and chips on Saturday.

Fish and chips on Saturday, yes. How many? 1, 2... Helen, Jerrie...

One cod and chips for me, please. For Saturday, thank you.

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