The Great British Foreign Holiday


The Great British Foreign Holiday

Mark Benton narrates a clip show looking at the Brits when they go abroad, somewhere he claims to be 'far away - outlandish, exotic and scary. Frankly, we're terrified of it.'.


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Transcript


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We are British.

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Look at us.

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We don't like strange places.

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We don't like new experiences.

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For the first time since we left Manchester,

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Grandpa was getting a little anxious.

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We don't like foreign languages.

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If you don't know what you want in a restaurant,

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just show this up and just point!

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We don't like unfamiliar food...

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Fish and chips, pint of English ale and all the trimmings.

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..unfamiliar surroundings or unfamiliar customs.

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We don't like too much sun, too much heat,

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too much cold or too much anything.

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All we really want is a decent cup of tea.

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Deep in our hearts, we know we're not going to get one.

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Now the water. Our advice would be don't drink it.

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We're British and we're going abroad.

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Welcome to The Great British Foreign Holiday.

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Britain.

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This sceptered isle.

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This precious stone set in a silver sea.

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Rubbish summers, though.

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But that was when we went on holiday, so we made the most of it.

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Until the '60s, thrilling meant a ride on a donkey.

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And exotic meant a slice of lemon with your fish and chips.

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Extreme sports meant going to the beach without a windbreak.

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It was all we wanted, because it was all we knew.

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Dinner at five o'clock, breakfast at nine o'clock, and everything is in the same place as it was last time.

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We'd heard there was somewhere else out there, but we knew it wasn't for us.

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This mythical land of milk and honey had a name.

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It was called... abroad!

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We're off on a holiday journey.

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All that you need is a passport.

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Abroad was invented by the Romans.

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They stood on a hill and said, "I wonder what's over there - let's invade it!"

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When they got there, they discovered it was a bit dirty and uncivilised.

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That floor will be all mud!

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It's all mud anyway, Mother, a bit more won't hurt.

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So the Romans rebuilt it, to be as much like home as possible.

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Palaces, theatres,

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baths, villas...

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The British picked up this magnificent idea and ran with it.

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Pubs, discos, greasy spoons, high-rises...

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From Bombay to Benidorm, we decided the only way

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to really experience the richness and diversity of the globe

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is to make it as much like Essex as possible.

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That way, like the Romans said, it might be rubbish, but at least we know what we're getting!

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# You what, you what, you what, you what, you what! #

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Here's a thought from 17th-century poet John Milton...

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# You what, you what, you what! #

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Our great grandfathers used to have the time of their lives, often no further from home than up the river.

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Romance achieved marvels at Bolters Lock.

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Very few in those days thought of going abroad.

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The British are an island race.

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Abroad is really abroad - not just across the border but actually over the horizon.

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It's far away, outlandish, exotic and scary.

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Frankly, we're terrified of it.

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And why wouldn't we be?

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Throughout history, Brits largely went abroad for two reasons. To kill people...

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..or to get killed.

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If it wasn't the Crusades, it was the Anglo-Dutch War,

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the 100 Years War, the Second Anglo-Dutch War...

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..the War of Jenkins' Ear, the Third Anglo-Dutch War...

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There's loads more. Basically, you really didn't want to go.

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Despite this, there were some Brits who went abroad of their own accord.

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Explorers, adventurers, pirates.

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Then there were pilgrims, who were mad.

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Or aristocrats doing the grand tour, who were also mad from either in-breeding or syphilis.

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That just left us lot - the peasants.

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You couldn't really get time off from being a peasant.

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No. A holiday was half an hour scraping scabs off your leg.

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Going to the next village was foreign.

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Going 20 miles was the equivalent of going to Madagascar.

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But then, someone came up with the idea of the British Empire,

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and that's when foreign travel really took off.

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All the peasants were given a tin hat and a bayonet and turned into soldiers.

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They were sent off to places like Belgium and the Sudan.

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Right up until the end of World War Two, beaches were dangerous places.

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You stormed them, covered them in barbed wire and hoped you wouldn't get your backside shot off.

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But in 1950, all that changed.

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That year some British people sat on a beach and realised no-one was shooting at them.

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The sun was shining, the food was quite nice and the people were friendly.

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They were having something strange and unfamiliar - a nice time.

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A toast to all of us.

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We work all the year round and we deserve champagne.

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Then they realised they weren't in Britain, but...

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abroad! And at a stroke, the foreign holiday was born.

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So let's go to another country and enjoy ourselves.

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Right... Where are we going to go?

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Shall we go to Spain? Sun, sea, sand and sangria?

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Skiing in St Moritz?

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A safari in Senegal?

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Surfing in St Lucia?

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Damn it! There's too much choice!

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We need some help!

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Fortunately, it's all been taken care of.

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We're British and we know our place so like most of our choices, it's all pre-determined.

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Tourism has created a new British Empire.

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If you're upper-class, you go here, here or here.

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Unless you have a yacht, in which case you go here.

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If you're middle-class, you go here, here or here.

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If you're working-class, you go here or here.

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And for that, you can thank one man.

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No, not him. That's Thomas Cook.

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He was no slouch. He invented travel agents, excursions and travellers' cheques

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but he didn't come up with a package holiday.

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That was this bloke.

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Vladimir Raitz was born in the Soviet Union and made a fortune sending Brits abroad.

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He figured out that if you chartered your own plane and had somewhere

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to stick people when they got there, you could send them on holiday for half the cost of a scheduled flight.

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His first plane left Britain in May 1950 with 32 passengers.

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They stayed in tents made out of old US Army canvas, drank the local wine -

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the stuff they used to strip paint from German tanks - and ate meat twice a day.

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That might not sound much. I eat meat twice an hour!

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But meat-rationing didn't end in Britain until 1954.

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The whole thing cost 32 quid,

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equivalent in today's money of £650.

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So that's 650 quid for a week in an army base, eating meat!

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For most people, that was still unthinkably expensive.

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They had to content themselves with looking at models of other people's holidays in windows!

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There's no place like home, but there's nothing like

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a rainy, miserable day when you've nothing special to do and nowhere particular to go,

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to make you think of sunny shores and snow-capped mountains and places far away across the horizon.

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Perhaps it's the thought of doing something you've never done before,

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of seeing, at least once in your life, places where only the rich folks can afford to go.

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It feeling that gets you on a rainy day

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when you want to find out what the rest of the world looks like.

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But the package-tour idea slowly took off and the price came down.

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By the mid-'60s, abroad was suddenly within people's reach.

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# We're all going on a summer holiday... #

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Before the 1960s, the whole business was insanely complicated.

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You'd get your Thomas Cook international timetable and you'd buy the travel guide,

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figure out how to get from Euston to Paris via Antwerp, Marseilles and Naples,

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book a taxi, a train, a boat,

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another taxi, a ferry, a team of porters with donkeys,

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a cook, a translator and a donkey mechanic.

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All this without the World Wide Web!

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The package-tour boys kicked all that into touch.

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You popped into a travel agent, they spoke to you like a child for 20 minutes, and that was that.

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'The travel adviser was extremely helpful and put my wife at ease right away

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'by answering all the little queries that bother a family putting to sea for the first time.

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'What clothes should we take? How should we set about booking a hotel in Melbourne?

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'And what was the best way of getting from Melbourne to Brisbane?'

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It was now so simple that even Grandpa here could arrange a surprise holiday.

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-What's this?

-'Yes...

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'what are you doing about YOUR holiday?'

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-You don't mean?

-Yes, I DO mean...

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And this is what we are doing about our holidays and you must choose where we're going to stay.

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Well, Spain, of course, Grandpa.

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You know I've always wanted to go to Spain.

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Well, Mary and Sue went last year with their mother and father

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with Gaytours, and they had a wonderful time!

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Right, Spain it is. And tomorrow I'm going to book the tickets.

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We decided to go to Tossa De Mar. And grandpa went the following day and booked the holiday.

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A few weeks later he picked up the tickets.

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There was incredibly little to it.

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There was no fuss, no trouble at all.

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The agent told me that the price of the holiday was inclusive and that there would be no extras to pay.

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Gaytours couriers would always be available on our holiday if we needed help or advice.

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As soon as we've recovered from the trauma of deciding where to go

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and booking the trip, we start losing sleep over what to pack.

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And here's some sound advice from journalist Susan Heller...

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Right, let's go!

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Start with the three S's -

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sandals, socks and shorts.

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Oh, and shirts!

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# I'm too sexy for my shirt... #

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Take some plastic bags. That is one of the unbreakable rules of travel -

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you have to take some plastic bags.

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No-one knows what for. Maybe there are no plastic bags in Malta.

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You'd think once you've decided what to pack, your nightmare is over.

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Don't be ridiculous!

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-You need to know

-how

-to pack.

-Now, look at the way we've done this.

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We've put some toiletries in a plastic bag,

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so these are not going to leak over your clothes.

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Look at how these have been packed.

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These have been packed very, very flat, and the main thing

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is to fold them so you don't get sharp creases in the clothes.

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So we've laid them in flat at the bottom of the case

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and then we've put other items on top of them

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so the creases are not quite as sharp.

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-Seven pairs of boxer shorts there, Nick.

-Thank you very much.

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I usually take 12 - one for each month. But, anyway, go on.

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Before we had suitcases, we had trunks -

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a massive box carried by servants.

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It had to be big. You were taking everything you owned.

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You were going on the grand tour.

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And according to 18th-century traveller Tobias Smollett,

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you needed, and I quote...

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"Pistols, knives, tinderbox, map,

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"half a dozen shirts capable of withstanding the ferocious treatment

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"of continental washerwomen, one pair of waterproof buckskin breaches and, of course,

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"50 fathoms of waxed string for measuring the height of columns and circumference of pillars in ruins."

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Oh, and some plastic bags.

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The grand tour was the gap year of the 18th century.

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If you were posh, a bit thick and your parents had a few hundred grand to waste,

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you'd head off to the cultural hotspots of Europe

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to learn about stuff like art, architecture and how to kill people in a duel,

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do some wenching and catch syphilis.

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It required a large staff of servants, tutors

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and locals prepared to carry all your stuff over the Alps.

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The grand tourist was deemed a proper English gentleman,

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worldly-wise, pox-ridden and skint.

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He was the ancestor of the modern tourist in every way.

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The important thing to remember when packing

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is that abroad is incredibly dangerous, so best be prepared.

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# Feelin' hot, hot, hot... #

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For starters, take some sunscreen.

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-This could be a bit shocking for our audience!

-Shocking?

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I don't know whether they're ready for this.

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Have you had your braces facing the wrong way?

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No, I didn't have my braces on.

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Take insect repellent.

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The mosquitoes here are plucky, so bring some of this, too.

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It doesn't bring the swelling down but it does stop you scratching.

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Bring this, well, whatever that is.

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It's no good for them. They're sand flies.

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For them, you need some of this.

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-It's not perfect, but it helps.

-What was that again?

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And of course you must remember to bring a pair of forceps.

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Forceps?!

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They're for taking out the spines of sea urchins.

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-Even then you're not safe!

-But the salt water is very good

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for prickly heat and skin rashes. You get a lot of that out here.

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It's the humidity, which is always somewhere around about 90%... Ooh!

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Oh, he's hurt himself! What's he done?

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-Coral.

-Coral.

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That can give you very nasty septicaemia, too.

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Septicaemia? Ooh!

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Oh, pretty fish!

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If you step on the spines of a stone fish,

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-you've at least half an hour to live.

-Poisonous fish? God!

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Make sure you pack your sandals, or a pair of wellies! Ow!

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You can always kill it before it kills you.

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Or get one of the locals to kill it.

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So, having decided what to pack, we could finally leave.

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We can start to relax and enjoy our holiday

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just as soon as we've dealt with the minor inconvenience of getting there!

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Here's a thought about getting there from Mark Twain...

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He, er, didn't invite me back this year.

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Whitsun, and the world goes on holiday.

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A well-dressed, orderly world.

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For years, the great problem with travelling abroad by train was the English Channel.

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No matter how much speed you got up through Kent, you just couldn't drive a train across it.

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You had to get on a train, get off a train, get on a boat, throw up,

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get off the boat, get on another train, and you were still nowhere near wherever you wanted to be

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unless it was Calais, or the other Calais - Boulogne - which, let's face it, probably wasn't.

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Until the invention of the aeroplane, if you wanted to leave Britain, you needed a boat.

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Our primitive ancestors used dug-out canoes.

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Since then we've added layers of sophistication, engineering and design know-how

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to create the cross-channel ferry.

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It differs from the dug-out canoe in several crucial ways.

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It's got lifeboats, a duty-free shop,

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a captain to make you feel like you're on a proper ship,

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and endless amusements to take your mind off the fact that you feel sick.

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It feels like crossing the channel on a washing machine.

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The ferry was briefly knocked off its perch by the hovercraft until

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they realised it couldn't travel in anything more than a gentle breeze.

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It was impossible to go further than the other end of the harbour without everyone on board throwing up.

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It was like crossing the channel in a washing machine!

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The buzz word was hover.

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You sat back to enjoy the hover-view with a nice cup of hover-tea

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and hoped you wouldn't feel hover-sickand need to ask for a hover-bag

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Over the years, there have been many fanciful and downright lunatic ideas

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for getting over this narrow stretch of sea.

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Getting over the channel was basically horrible, however you did it.

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What we needed was a bloody great tunnel,

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and in the '90s that's what we got.

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'Her Majesty was to travel in the new Eurostar passenger train

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'along the first land link between Britain and the Continent since the Ice Age.'

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We were joined to the Continent forever.

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Or until someone fills it in.

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Suddenly, abroad was only half an hour away.

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I think it will encourage international travel.

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It will, I suppose, in a few years become commonplace, but today it's very special.

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Tunnels were all very well, but since the dawn of time, mankind's ultimate dream has been to slip

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the bonds of gravity and soar like birds, airborne, unfettered, free.

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In the 20th century, that dream finally became a reality.

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Now we have Ryanair.

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Come back, gravity - all is forgiven.

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In the 1940s, it took six days to fly from London to Nice,

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with refuelling stops at Brighton, Calais and Paris,

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and a toilet break at a motorway services just outside Lyon.

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'Having taken off into the wind, we turn towards our destination.

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'The captain discusses points of interest on the way.

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'We pass over Littlehampton, the English coast and the Channel, then the French coast.

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'That should give you a good clue as to where we're going.'

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Er... France?

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'This passenger couldn't care less.

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'And here is the end of our journey in sight.

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'But where are we? Amsterdam?

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'No, not flat enough.

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'It's built on the hillside in the form of terraces.

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'Did you say Lisbon?'

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No, I didn't say anything.

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These days you get to choose where you go BEFORE you take off.

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'London. From Heathrow and other airports

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'in the country, millions this year will fly to the Continent for their holidays and even further afield.

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'This is the holiday pattern of the jet age.'

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In the early days, air travel was exclusive and luxurious, mimicking the glamour of the railways -

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the Orient Express, the Flying Scotsman and...

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the other one.

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It was the preserve of the wealthy and sophisticated

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and the pilot even came out to show you where you were going.

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Shouldn't he be in the cockpit?

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'You will dine superbly, watch an in-flight movie you choose.

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'You will sample attentive cabin service as BOAC lifts you far across

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'the Atlantic in an atmosphere of quiet and English comfort.'

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Everyone went in first class.

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It was only years later that someone pulled back that little curtain and realised they had 200 empty seats

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back there, and they started letting scum like us on board.

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MUSIC: "The Birdie Song" by The Tweets

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'This is the main disadvantage of flying on a package holiday charter.

0:20:510:20:56

'The seats are closer together because they pack 119 people on these planes

0:20:560:21:00

'compared with 80 or 90 on a regular run by the same aircraft.'

0:21:000:21:04

We shall be serving lunch, sir, in about ten minutes.

0:21:040:21:08

But not if you're in economy. Your meal was actually built into the aircraft at the Boeing factory.

0:21:080:21:13

'Seat-back catering is something you don't find on scheduled flights.

0:21:130:21:17

'It's been heavily criticised for reasons of hygiene and by those who think service

0:21:170:21:22

'to the customer is more important than the tour company's budget.'

0:21:220:21:25

And after you've eaten, perhaps you might fancy a cigarette.

0:21:250:21:29

Until the 1980s, it was illegal not to smoke on planes!

0:21:290:21:32

If you were caught in the toilets trying to get a bit of fresh air,

0:21:320:21:36

you'd be arrested on landing!

0:21:360:21:37

Anyway, it's time to extinguish all cigarettes and fasten your seatbelts. We're about to land.

0:21:370:21:43

'Just two hours from London, each day dozens of chartered jets

0:21:500:21:54

'unload their pale-faced passengers at Ibiza Airport.'

0:21:540:21:57

Finally, we're in a foreign country.

0:21:570:22:01

Oh, God, it's hot!

0:22:010:22:03

Why's it so hot?

0:22:030:22:05

Right, we need to get past the men in uniforms with guns.

0:22:050:22:08

Still, it'll be easy.

0:22:080:22:11

I'll just wave my British passport at them!

0:22:110:22:14

Before we joined the EU, the British passport was a huge, gold-embossed,

0:22:160:22:20

leather-bound volume designed to send a message to the world.

0:22:200:22:24

That message was... "Look here, Johnny,

0:22:240:22:27

"I'm a subject and close personal friend of Her Majesty the Queen.

0:22:270:22:31

"Mess with me and you'll find yourself in the Tower.

0:22:310:22:33

"Now, hurry along and fetch me a taxi."

0:22:330:22:36

It translates into every other language in the world as,

0:22:360:22:38

"I don't know who this idiot in the sandals thinks he is,

0:22:380:22:42

"but let's strip-search him, anyway."

0:22:420:22:45

Oooh...

0:22:450:22:47

..thank God that's over!

0:22:490:22:51

Exhausted, mentally shattered and physically wrecked. Never mind -

0:22:510:22:56

only a three-hour coach trip and we're on holiday!

0:22:560:22:59

TOOT!

0:22:590:23:01

Sorry, your rooms are not ready.

0:23:010:23:02

In fact, neither is your hotel!

0:23:020:23:06

Which hotel did you book in England?

0:23:060:23:09

The Carousel, just over there!

0:23:090:23:11

-Why are you laughing?

-Because we couldn't stay there

0:23:110:23:15

because one of the floors fell in and there was this great crack down the back!

0:23:150:23:19

In the brochure it says it was "Designed by experts, with cheerful bars and lazy sun terraces."

0:23:190:23:25

What went wrong with the Hotel Carousel?

0:23:250:23:27

What was wrong? I don't think nothing went wrong with the Hotel Carousel.

0:23:290:23:34

But you've got a crack through the middle of the hotel.

0:23:340:23:36

Well, it's not a crack - it's an expansion join.

0:23:360:23:40

But by no means at all is the holiday

0:23:400:23:44

the same as it's described in the brochure.

0:23:440:23:46

What about mini-golf?

0:23:460:23:48

The only place I think mini-golf could possibly go

0:23:500:23:54

from where we are at the moment now

0:23:540:23:57

is in this assault course that's here.

0:23:570:24:00

As the package boom took hold, Spanish developers went hotel-crazy.

0:24:020:24:06

If you were an elderly, Spanish peasant with a nice sea view from your hacienda, God help you!

0:24:060:24:12

So here we are. Hotel's only half-built, but who cares?

0:24:210:24:25

We're on holiday!

0:24:250:24:27

Juste cinq francs.

0:24:270:24:30

Sorry, what was that?

0:24:300:24:32

Pardon?

0:24:350:24:36

We realised that somehow we had to communicate with these people.

0:24:360:24:41

Three francs worth.

0:24:410:24:43

With this, is that sufficient for those?

0:24:430:24:46

But it was no good. They stubbornly refused to understand English.

0:24:460:24:50

-Each, some of each.

-Some of each.

0:24:500:24:53

Reluctantly, we decided to meet them halfway - the phrase book was born!

0:24:530:24:59

Allio. Allio, si.

0:24:590:25:01

'You could tell, she was really impressed!'

0:25:010:25:05

-Tomorrow, manana, is the first word they learn in Spanish.

-No, it isn't.

0:25:050:25:10

The first thing I learned was ...

0:25:100:25:12

Donde este el bar?

0:25:120:25:14

Then, later on, these came in handy.

0:25:140:25:18

Tengo la espalda muy quemada del sol.

0:25:180:25:23

Puede darme algo que ponerme?

0:25:230:25:26

And towards the end of the holiday...

0:25:260:25:29

Donde este el Consulado Britanico?

0:25:290:25:32

Came in handy.

0:25:330:25:35

Most of the waiters in the bars only speak enough

0:25:350:25:38

to serve you with a drink. They don't actually speak English.

0:25:380:25:42

Once you deviate from the subject that they're selling to you, they don't understand what you're saying.

0:25:420:25:47

Eventually, we resorted to this.

0:25:470:25:50

It turns out the universal language isn't love - it's pictures of crabs!

0:25:500:25:54

If you don't know what you want in a restaurant,

0:25:540:25:57

just show this up and just point to the appropriate thing.

0:25:570:26:00

-This always assumes the waiter is quite intelligent.

-Aubergine, yeah.

0:26:000:26:04

-And they should understand what you want.

-That's probably very good.

0:26:040:26:08

After a few years of this, we found the perfect solution to dealing with the locals.

0:26:080:26:13

We brought our own locals, in the form of holiday reps.

0:26:130:26:17

They were like the natives - friendly, knowledgeable,

0:26:190:26:22

sexually-liberated,

0:26:220:26:24

but called Pat or Simon, not Fernando or Azouz.

0:26:240:26:28

Welcome to our little island of Ibiza.

0:26:280:26:32

I'd like to introduce myself and my name is Pat.

0:26:320:26:36

We thought they were our friends.

0:26:360:26:38

We were nervous, and they smiled at us and spoke English.

0:26:380:26:42

They were in uniform - we always liked that.

0:26:420:26:45

Right, at last we can get on with our holiday.

0:26:450:26:48

I'll just... I'll just nip to the loo.

0:26:490:26:52

All aspects of going abroad make the British anxious,

0:26:530:26:56

and nothing makes the British more anxious than toilets!

0:26:560:27:00

Combine the two, and it's like an anxiety bomb.

0:27:000:27:03

'Standards vary enormously, but they're often very basic,

0:27:030:27:07

'a hole-in-the-ground type.

0:27:070:27:10

'And you have to usually pay about 5 pence before you enter to the person in the booth outside.

0:27:100:27:15

'Don't forget to wait for your ration of toilet paper.

0:27:150:27:18

'It's not a bad idea to carry some spare in case of emergency.'

0:27:180:27:21

Anyway, let's try and relax and get in the holiday mood.

0:27:210:27:27

The sun is shining, everything is beautiful.

0:27:360:27:40

We're a million miles from the daily grind of our miserable lives and the world is fresh and new,

0:27:400:27:47

full of pleasure and promise of the simple joy of being alive.

0:27:470:27:52

Right, to hell with that! I'm bored!

0:27:590:28:01

Let's have some fun!

0:28:010:28:03

Hang on. We've been here for hours and we haven't been to the beach.

0:28:170:28:20

Are we mad? Come on!

0:28:200:28:23

Grab the two towels, the hat, the straw beach mats,

0:28:230:28:27

the factor 10, 15, 25, 40, 60...

0:28:270:28:31

..sunglasses, lilo, plastic bag for wet stuff...

0:28:330:28:36

Oh, that's what they're for!

0:28:360:28:38

..camera, book, radio, another hat,

0:28:380:28:42

a bottle of water, snacks, icebox.

0:28:420:28:45

Right, we're ready!

0:28:450:28:47

'The call of the sun - irresistible!

0:28:540:28:58

'What an age it seems since we were all happy to go to the nearest seaside place and sit on the pier.'

0:29:000:29:06

The beach is the edge of the world.

0:29:060:29:08

Normal rules don't apply on the sand.

0:29:080:29:12

Inhibitions shed.

0:29:120:29:15

Society's rules are abandoned and a dizzying sense of freedom takes hold.

0:29:150:29:21

MUSIC: "Mr Blue Sky" by Electric Light Orchestra

0:29:210:29:24

Wait a minute! None of these people are British.

0:29:530:29:57

We're over there.

0:29:570:29:59

We are now playing for big prizes!

0:29:590:30:03

Let's face it, we're not the best at enjoying ourselves.

0:30:260:30:30

The idea of losing our inhibitions makes us feel a bit awkward and unhappy.

0:30:300:30:35

Given the opportunity for raucous, madcap fun, this is what WE do.

0:30:350:30:39

The pedalo was originally designed to emulate

0:30:430:30:46

the comfort and manoeuvrability of a World War Two landing craft.

0:30:460:30:50

Actually, it would be more fun if you were being strafed with machine-gun fire while driving it!

0:30:500:30:55

Gradually, gingerly, we put down our newspapers and began to join in!

0:30:550:31:02

The Continentals simply kept up the pressure so we were worn down and agreed to have some fun.

0:31:020:31:07

THEY CHEER

0:31:070:31:08

But then, much to our surprise, we discovered we had THESE...

0:31:090:31:14

Suddenly, Britain had baps,

0:31:330:31:36

and was getting them out all over the Mediterranean.

0:31:360:31:39

Maggie, tell me what happened to you?

0:31:390:31:41

Well last year we went on holiday to Corfu

0:31:410:31:45

and everyone was topless there

0:31:450:31:48

and Paul asked me, just for a bet,

0:31:480:31:51

he bet me that for £10 if I dare take the top of my bikini off.

0:31:510:31:57

And it's something I'd never done before,

0:31:570:32:00

so just on impulse, you know, I did,

0:32:000:32:02

because I thought I'll shock him, you know,

0:32:020:32:05

I'll get £10 out of him! And it felt so good to be like that,

0:32:050:32:10

you know, I never put it back on the whole time that we were there.

0:32:100:32:13

This poor lad is slowly realising what his first day back at school is going to be like.

0:32:130:32:17

"Hey, Danny, we saw your mum on telly!"

0:32:170:32:20

No-o-o-o-o-o!

0:32:200:32:22

Here's a top travel tip from Rudyard Kipling...

0:32:240:32:27

Right, lunchtime, what's on offer back in the hotel?

0:32:350:32:40

No fear of Spanish Tummy with roast beef, liver and onions with chips.

0:32:400:32:44

The food in the hotel made the food on the plane taste like Gordon Ramsay's Christmas dinner.

0:32:440:32:49

It took us a long time to twig that none of the people who worked in the kitchens ate this rubbish.

0:32:490:32:54

They went a hundred yards down the road and had something fabulous.

0:32:540:32:57

'Here, as everywhere in this part of Italy, the preparation of food is a worthy end in itself.

0:32:570:33:03

'An art lovingly and critically appreciated by cook and customer alike.'

0:33:030:33:08

Eventually, under cover of darkness and after checking our insurance,

0:33:080:33:12

we followed the locals, and our world changed.

0:33:120:33:16

'Keith and Ann decide to try a local speciality - calamari, or squid.

0:33:330:33:38

'Mmm, delicious!'

0:33:390:33:41

Keith and Ann thought you couldn't get better than a nice shepherd's pie.

0:33:410:33:46

Oh, yes, you can!

0:33:460:33:48

Squid, sea urchin, spider crab, wild boar, stingray...

0:33:480:33:53

We'd only seen these in zoos, not on plates,

0:33:530:33:56

but it turned out these animals were not dangerous.

0:33:560:33:59

They were delicious!

0:33:590:34:01

Even the bread was nice!

0:34:040:34:06

Bread, nice!

0:34:060:34:08

What kind of world had we stumbled upon?

0:34:080:34:11

We even ate al fresco.

0:34:110:34:13

Until we went on holiday, the only reason we ate outdoors

0:34:130:34:16

was if we were working on a building site,

0:34:160:34:19

we'd lost our keys or we'd forgotten it was Britain and had a picnic.

0:34:190:34:22

But here, everyone ate outdoors, and they enjoyed it!

0:34:220:34:27

And they drank coffee, which is just as well, as you couldn't get a decent cup of tea.

0:34:270:34:32

God knows, we tried!

0:34:320:34:33

'We were very struck with these rules and straightaway I put the hotel to the test by asking for a cup of tea.'

0:34:330:34:39

'However exotic your surroundings, there is always time on your holiday

0:35:000:35:04

'for the one thing the English never like to be long without - a cup of tea.'

0:35:040:35:09

If there's one thing we can show the rest of the world how to do

0:35:100:35:14

with style, elegance and the kind of louche, carefree joviality that has made the British tourist

0:35:140:35:19

so respected and admired around the world, it's drink.

0:35:190:35:23

THEY CHANT

0:35:330:35:36

When we're on holiday, we like a drink.

0:35:380:35:41

As far as I'm concerned, well, it wouldn't be a holiday without a drink.

0:35:410:35:45

Whether it's tequila or Tuscan wine, we sniff out whatever the locals sip, buy it by the bucket-load

0:35:450:35:51

and binge-drink like the world's about to end.

0:35:510:35:54

Well, literally, we just drink as much as we can

0:35:540:35:57

and it depends on where we go, and we just thoroughly ourselves.

0:35:570:36:02

After a few bucketfuls of lager, ouzo, grappa, retsina,

0:36:050:36:08

Pernod and an absinthe chaser, we're in the mood to party.

0:36:080:36:13

# Let's all do the conga Let's all do the conga

0:36:130:36:15

# Na, na, na, nah Na, na, na, nah

0:36:150:36:19

# Let's all do the conga Let's all do the conga... #

0:36:190:36:22

Let's go to a discotheque!

0:36:220:36:25

MUSIC: "I Feel Love" by Donna Summer

0:36:250:36:28

'It's a very touristy place, and very commercialised.

0:36:330:36:36

'I don't really think I'm in another country.

0:36:360:36:39

'We don't see much of the real Spain, but I enjoy the discos.

0:36:390:36:42

'You just go into a pub, and there's disco music and you just get up and dance.

0:36:420:36:46

'It's not like that at home.'

0:36:460:36:48

I should think not. You'd get in the way of the dartboard!

0:36:480:36:51

Then we wake up the next morning and find the world has ended. Ooh!

0:36:550:37:00

That's also when we find that the local cuisine has its limitations.

0:37:000:37:05

It might be good at the end of the day, but at breakfast time, it just doesn't cut the mustard.

0:37:050:37:10

I miss my morning breakfast - eggs and bacon.

0:37:100:37:13

I like my rolls but you get a roll here but that's only like...

0:37:130:37:17

-what do you call it?

-We don't want hard-boiled eggs and honey.

0:37:170:37:21

We don't want yoghurt, croissants, dates or fish.

0:37:210:37:26

We need fried eggs, we need bacon and... Oh, to hell with it - another lager, then.

0:37:280:37:34

Between the '60s and the '80s, three out of every five flights

0:37:340:37:38

from the UK was heading for the Spanish coast,

0:37:380:37:40

and one of them was full of eggs and bacon.

0:37:400:37:44

British tourists ate their own bodyweight

0:37:440:37:46

in fat every morning for two weeks then got straight down the beach.

0:37:460:37:50

MUSIC: "Agadoo" by Black Lace

0:37:500:37:53

Breakfast, beach, bar, bed.

0:37:590:38:02

Breakfast, beach, bar, bed.

0:38:020:38:04

Bar, beach, bed.

0:38:040:38:07

Breakfast, bar, bed.

0:38:070:38:11

Bar...bar...bar... bed.

0:38:110:38:16

And after, oh, about five days of this,

0:38:160:38:19

we're feeling a bit empty inside, a bit guilty.

0:38:190:38:23

Perhaps we had better do something cultural.

0:38:230:38:26

Our mates, the holiday reps, were waiting for this moment to pounce and sell us some excursions.

0:38:300:38:36

Apparently, there are two five o'clocks in the day, and one of them is in the morning,

0:38:360:38:40

and that's when the coach leaves to go to that monastery/amphitheatre/vineyard.

0:38:400:38:45

Whatever it is, it's good for us.

0:38:450:38:48

Well, it'll absorb some of the shame so we can get on with the drinking!

0:38:480:38:52

'Today our hostess has organised a coach trip to the Dolomites,

0:38:520:38:56

'the mountains just across the Italian frontier.

0:38:560:38:58

'And so we set off in a comfortable coach, passing by a constant panorama of chalets and mountains.

0:39:010:39:07

'The observation coach offers excellent views.

0:39:090:39:12

'In fact, it's difficult to know which side to look for the best.

0:39:120:39:15

'The coach driver knows every inch of the way

0:39:150:39:17

'and soon we reach a small town just beyond the Italian frontier.'

0:39:170:39:21

Ever since the days of the grand tour, poking around some ruins

0:39:230:39:26

has been an essential activity for the British on holiday.

0:39:260:39:30

This is the Sphinx -

0:39:300:39:32

the guardian of the sacred enclosure of the second pyramid,

0:39:320:39:35

and is the most celebrated monument here.

0:39:350:39:37

And if there's a saint or a pharaoh named after them, you can charge what you like! We're in!

0:39:370:39:43

Oh, and don't worry - if you get tired, you can pay the locals to enjoy the culture for you!

0:39:490:39:54

1, 2, 3!

0:39:540:39:56

You don't get that at Stonehenge!

0:39:570:40:00

They're very clever, those people, you know.

0:40:000:40:02

That's their business, you know.

0:40:020:40:05

-I won!

-I lost.

-Bravo, bravo!

0:40:070:40:10

Churches are always good for trowelling on the guilt.

0:40:130:40:17

You'll walk out with five postcards, a couple of candles, some brass rubbings and a pewter model

0:40:170:40:21

of St Barnabus's right knee, the one he knelt on the leper with, you know.

0:40:210:40:25

35 Euros, thank you.

0:40:250:40:27

As if the peasants don't have enough to do all day in the fields, they have to dance for us, too!

0:40:330:40:38

We feel we're getting a bit more culture.

0:40:400:40:42

They seem to be enjoying themselves.

0:40:420:40:45

That's because they own the venue and we're drinking a lot.

0:40:480:40:51

Also, they're safe in the knowledge that in 20 minutes time,

0:40:570:41:00

they'll be watching the semi-final of the X-Factor on their 42-inch flat-screen. We get their culture -

0:41:000:41:05

they get our pop culture. Fair swap!

0:41:050:41:08

These peasants, I tell you, they work hard!

0:41:110:41:14

They've got to get up the next morning to flog us all their

0:41:140:41:17

old bits and bobs ooh, I'm sorry, handicrafts.

0:41:170:41:20

We've got to bring something home, haven't we, other than hotel towels and peeling skin.

0:41:200:41:25

The local market provides us with the perfect opportunity. Hee-hee, look at that!

0:41:250:41:29

ARCHIVE: Most Spanish towns have their flea markets, called

0:41:290:41:32

rastros and this one, in Palma, is as colourful as any.

0:41:320:41:37

This rastro has been held every Saturday morning for as long as anyone can remember.

0:41:380:41:44

It brings two sides of the island together, as tourists and traders mingle.

0:41:440:41:50

With their children safely in the hands of a Vista Jet nanny, Keith and Ann have plenty of time to browse...

0:41:500:41:57

..even if some were made last week.

0:42:010:42:04

Still, there's always a taker...

0:42:060:42:09

and a loser.

0:42:090:42:12

Oh, well, it'll do for Aunt Edna.

0:42:120:42:15

It looks like Keith would rather be back home doing his milk round!

0:42:150:42:18

'Was it a bargain?

0:42:210:42:23

'Obviously!'

0:42:230:42:25

Have a bit of foresight when buying.

0:42:250:42:27

Will we have enough space in the loft for that?

0:42:270:42:30

And another thing Brits like to buy on holiday are ridiculous hats.

0:42:300:42:34

'What a surprise it turned out to be.

0:42:380:42:42

'I knew at last that Grandpa was really enjoying his holiday.'

0:42:420:42:46

'Aboard our ship, they compete for the prize given to the one with the most inventive turn of mind,

0:43:030:43:09

'the best-decorated hat made up from anything

0:43:090:43:11

'they can find lying around on deck, in the restaurants or in the cabins.

0:43:110:43:16

'The winner always wins, but if she hadn't won, she would have eaten her hat but the judge decided to.'

0:43:160:43:23

But what do we do when there's no price tag?

0:43:230:43:27

We're British! We panic!

0:43:270:43:29

'Come to the old city. Learn how to haggle.

0:43:290:43:31

'It's he customer's right and the salesman's duty.

0:43:310:43:34

'It make take hours to strike a bargain, but haggling is the custom of ages.'

0:43:340:43:39

Haggling might be the custom of the ages, but we're scared of it!

0:43:390:43:42

There are a few hawkers around here that you will come across. You are fair game outside the coach.

0:43:420:43:48

If you don't want to buy anything, don't look at them in the eyes, OK?

0:43:480:43:52

If you're actually too scared to look the locals in the eyes, maybe you should have gone somewhere else!

0:43:520:43:57

But other types of holiday experience are available. Really?

0:44:050:44:09

Yes, if you are a middle-class Brit you feel vaguely guilty all the time about the environment, about having

0:44:090:44:15

all the nice houses, about sending your kids to public school, about everything, really, especially

0:44:150:44:21

if you're ever enjoying yourself, you feel really guilty about that.

0:44:210:44:25

Hey, don't worry, there's plenty of holidays tailored to take all the fun out for you!

0:44:250:44:30

You just pretend you're learning something, improving yourself, getting fitter, whatever.

0:44:300:44:35

It might be bird-watching, yoga or bread-making,

0:44:350:44:39

maybe a spot of archaeology, sculpture in your hotel room.

0:44:390:44:42

And if you wanted to experience what it's like to walk around with no clothes on, you could

0:44:450:44:49

walk around with no clothes on!

0:44:490:44:50

Oh, they are travelling light!

0:44:550:44:57

When you come to Estepona, you're going to find sun and if it an all-over tan you're after, you

0:45:050:45:09

could do no better than to head for the only nudist beach on the entire

0:45:090:45:12

Costa Del Sol, and when you're here, be prepared to strip off and enjoy it - that's what it's all about!

0:45:120:45:19

But if you like wearing lots and lots of clothes, maybe this is more your thing.

0:45:230:45:28

Skiing was the original activity holiday.

0:45:280:45:31

The well-off daddy of upstart children like scuba-diving or bungee-jumping.

0:45:310:45:35

Skiing used to be the preserve of the posh people. How posh?

0:45:350:45:39

Very!

0:45:390:45:41

Because they owned all the mountains, and most of the snow.

0:45:410:45:44

I've been here as often as I've been able to, ever since I was 12 years old.

0:45:440:45:48

It was like Mayfair-on-ice!

0:45:480:45:51

How very kind the people were and how very, very helpful.

0:45:510:45:54

It rather reminded me of during the war in England.

0:45:540:45:58

Then, gradually, some people who were just plain posh came along.

0:45:580:46:02

One of the most spectacular parts of Switzerland.

0:46:020:46:05

50 minutes later I could see St Moritz,

0:46:050:46:07

where I was going to meet the young Swiss ski instructor I first knew in London when he was studying English.

0:46:070:46:13

Ooh!

0:46:130:46:15

There he is! Simon!

0:46:150:46:17

I could hardly believe my ears when the pilot said we were going to land on the lake.

0:46:190:46:23

I hope it's frozen hard enough!

0:46:230:46:26

The very posh didn't like this - standards were slipping.

0:46:270:46:33

They were right! Soon enough, the package holiday rabble were in on

0:46:330:46:36

the act, and the whole thing went to hell in a handcart!

0:46:360:46:40

# Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way

0:46:400:46:43

# Oh what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh! #

0:46:430:46:47

Oh, my God!

0:46:470:46:49

Done it!

0:46:490:46:50

Woah!

0:47:030:47:04

LAUGHTER

0:47:040:47:05

The very posh people didn't like all the commoners on the mountains,

0:47:050:47:09

so they bought islands and sloped off to the Caribbean.

0:47:090:47:12

Many thanks. See you later, goodbye.

0:47:120:47:14

But if you found all this luxury a bit daunting, there was no need to worry.

0:47:140:47:19

You could always go camping!

0:47:200:47:23

Camping was like going on holiday but without the pleasure.

0:47:250:47:29

The British section of the Colombier campsite, in the South of France.

0:47:290:47:35

Now, the campers did not have to bring these tents or any of the equipment in them.

0:47:350:47:39

They didn't even have the bother of putting up the tents.

0:47:390:47:41

It was all here, ready and waiting, when they arrived from Britain.

0:47:410:47:45

Never mind expansion joints in your hotel - this is what you'd

0:47:450:47:50

stay in if the entire resort had been destroyed in an earthquake.

0:47:500:47:53

Still, at least the toilets have seats.

0:47:530:47:56

Even wilful discomfort has its limits!

0:47:560:47:59

That's what's always said holiday to me - hot fat splashing on bare skin!

0:47:590:48:05

I just rub it in and call it factor 5!

0:48:050:48:08

Camping is many things - cheap, practical, cheap...

0:48:080:48:13

and cheap, but what it's not is sexy.

0:48:130:48:18

If it's romance you're after, there are much better places to look.

0:48:180:48:22

Such as...the Love Boat!

0:48:270:48:29

Cruising usually means the chance of meeting someone new, even, who knows,

0:48:290:48:35

someone you might marry.

0:48:350:48:37

But anyhow, I think

0:48:370:48:39

of course I would have married her, but she found out my age when she got hold of my passport.

0:48:390:48:45

-How about the men? How have you found them?

-The men?

0:48:450:48:48

Yes, that's a good question.

0:48:480:48:51

Pretty damn awful, on the whole.

0:48:510:48:54

She's a good-looker,

0:48:540:48:56

and she goes on and she's got plenty of money.

0:48:560:48:59

Her father left her £22,000.

0:48:590:49:03

Some men are all right. There are a few dirty old men.

0:49:030:49:07

One picks them out easily and quickly and disposes of them.

0:49:070:49:10

What sort of chap is she looking for, do you know?

0:49:100:49:12

-Did she tell you?

-I think she wants a younger man. She wants someone with

0:49:140:49:18

a bit of go. An athlete sort of fellow, you know,

0:49:180:49:25

that will do a little gymnast sort of thing.

0:49:250:49:27

She wants somebody like... She's very good herself.

0:49:270:49:30

She's a bit of a gymnast herself.

0:49:300:49:32

She can get on the floor and twist herself over.

0:49:320:49:37

All this, and 22,000 too?

0:49:380:49:41

I'm not sure if I'm feeling lovesick or seasick!

0:49:410:49:45

Let's get back on dry land!

0:49:450:49:48

Holidays mean exotic places and romance is always in the air.

0:49:480:49:53

In a glamorous place like this, romance can be very hard to resist, and it can change your life.

0:49:530:49:59

Well, I was in Spain on holiday, I was divorced, had three children, I was 36 years old.

0:49:590:50:04

I think I've been just one of life's many frogs, hoping desperately that

0:50:040:50:09

one day I would find a handsome prince to kiss me and

0:50:090:50:13

turn me into a beautiful princess and in fact, when David came along, that's exactly what happened!

0:50:130:50:20

But if you're older than 17, and you're younger than 31, all this could be yours.

0:50:220:50:27

It was called Club 18/30, but it wasn't a club at all - it was a travel company.

0:50:290:50:34

They just put the word club in front to make people think

0:50:340:50:37

they were getting something special and exclusive, which is precisely the opposite of what they got.

0:50:370:50:42

Club 18/30 became notorious for its sex games.

0:50:420:50:47

These were basically traditional, innocent beach pastimes,

0:50:470:50:50

only without the innocence, or the tradition, or sometimes the beach.

0:50:500:50:55

It's pretty promiscuous over here.

0:50:550:50:57

Well, it's promiscuous in a lot of places in Spain, but Majorca more than anywhere.

0:50:570:51:01

I mean everything you read in the magazines, well, believe it!

0:51:010:51:03

It's around there somewhere, mate!

0:51:080:51:11

Here's a thought from Shakespeare about romance -

0:51:110:51:14

And he never even went to Magaluf!

0:51:190:51:22

When you turn 31, all the fun stops and you have to wait 20 years before it starts again.

0:51:240:51:30

ARCHIVE: Tango 506 was carrying some of the first of the 30,000 British old age

0:51:330:51:37

pensioners who have chosen to spend part of the winter in Spain.

0:51:370:51:41

That was in the '70s. These days, thousands more British nanas spend their British pensions in the Med.

0:51:450:51:53

Loads of them travel with an outfit called Social Amenities for the Golden Age, otherwise known as...

0:51:530:51:59

"Sex And Games For The Aged!"

0:51:590:52:01

One of the latest ones is "Send All Geriatrics Abroad."

0:52:040:52:09

Yeah, yeah, we get it, mate. It's SAGA.

0:52:090:52:12

One I heard last winter was "Start At Gatwick Airport."

0:52:120:52:16

They call it the grey pound.

0:52:200:52:22

It's worth as much as a normal pound except that it comes in coppers.

0:52:220:52:26

They spend it on gin, or tonic, or both.

0:52:260:52:29

It's cheaper than living in freezing England.

0:52:310:52:34

Do you really think it is cheaper in the long run?

0:52:340:52:36

Oh definitely! If you come for a long holiday, definitely!

0:52:360:52:39

You've no heating bills, you're warm, you're fed, you're looked after, and you have a lazy life!

0:52:390:52:45

Some of them like it so much, they tear up their return ticket,

0:52:480:52:51

cancel the milk, have the post redirected and end up staying.

0:52:510:52:56

BAGPIPES PLAY

0:52:590:53:01

What is so nice about the British ex-pat is the way they really blend in with the locals.

0:53:010:53:06

What makes life in Malta different from life in England?

0:53:110:53:15

Well the best thing is the sixpenny tax, really!

0:53:150:53:19

That's what I'm here for!

0:53:190:53:21

Well I think there's the freedom, the sunshine and the chance of doing the things you want to do

0:53:210:53:27

on a limited income instead of having to work darn hard to do

0:53:270:53:33

the same things in England with a fortnight or three weeks' holiday.

0:53:330:53:36

Ready, one, two, three!

0:53:360:53:38

Hey, hey!

0:53:390:53:40

So I find, of course, that I can live out here on very

0:53:440:53:47

small means indeed, quite happily, no fuss at all, very friendly people.

0:53:470:53:52

I'm Irish and I find the Maltese are extraordinarily like the Irish in some ways -

0:53:520:53:57

they have damn nice manners, they're very friendly, they're

0:53:570:54:00

quite inconsequential at all sorts of things and it amuses me and I find I'm just thoroughly happy here.

0:54:000:54:07

What does Malta conjure up for you?

0:54:080:54:11

Urm, I'm not sure, either, but I wasn't expecting this lot!

0:54:110:54:16

The middle classes, meanwhile, abandoned the beaches to the rabble...

0:54:170:54:20

ALL CHANTING: You what, you what, you what, you what, you what?

0:54:200:54:24

..and headed permanently for the Dordogne, Brittany, Provence or Tuscany.

0:54:250:54:31

They told anyone who would listen that the locals were hardworking,

0:54:310:54:35

honest and cultured, paid them peanuts to renovate their houses,

0:54:350:54:38

and wrote bestselling books about how they were lazy, mistrustful and stupid.

0:54:380:54:42

But for the rest of us, after the holiday, it's back to Blighty.

0:54:460:54:50

Here's what an imaginary science-fiction character has to say about holidays -

0:54:530:54:56

Oh!

0:55:030:55:04

If you were one of the millions who travel back every year - then remember Duty Free?

0:55:090:55:14

Before 1999 we could all buy duty-free goods in the EU.

0:55:140:55:18

For many of us, this is why we started smoking and drinking in the first place.

0:55:180:55:21

It was bloody cheap!

0:55:210:55:23

You'd often hear this in a pub back home,

0:55:230:55:25

"Oi, Jake, can I scrounge a fag?" "Sorry, Paul, I've only got 270 left."

0:55:250:55:33

So, you and your straw donkeys have made it to the airport,

0:55:350:55:38

just in time for the second baggage handler strike of the summer.

0:55:380:55:42

I've been delayed now for two hours.

0:55:420:55:47

Should be another two now before we get any information,

0:55:470:55:51

so God knows what time we're going to take off tonight!

0:55:510:55:53

But that doesn't bother us.

0:55:530:55:55

We'll be back next year - we've already booked it!

0:55:550:55:58

We're British, and we like strange places,

0:56:060:56:10

new experiences, foreign food and foreign people.

0:56:100:56:14

We like too much heat, too much cold, too much sun, too much everything.

0:56:190:56:23

In fact, we love it!

0:56:230:56:26

But somewhere along the way,

0:56:330:56:35

something went horribly wrong.

0:56:350:56:37

50 years ago, a holiday meant a week in some drizzly seaside resort, a pint of milk stout and a pie.

0:56:400:56:46

The idea of sunning ourselves on a foreign beach was insanity.

0:56:460:56:49

But slowly we were led, blinking into the sunshine...

0:56:500:56:55

..and what was once the preserve of the wealthy became everyone's.

0:56:560:56:59

After years of air raids and rationing, half-built hotels

0:57:000:57:04

with expansion cracks down them seemed like paradise!

0:57:040:57:07

And now look at us! We've been everywhere, eaten everything, drunk everything.

0:57:090:57:14

If there's an experience to experience, we've experienced it, again, and again and again.

0:57:140:57:20

There's nowhere else to go,

0:57:220:57:24

but we've got a taste for it now, and we want more!

0:57:240:57:28

We want islands built in the sea, air-conditioned beaches, we want to

0:57:310:57:35

go on holiday under the ocean, at the North Pole, in outer-space. Oh stop, stop, I feel sick!

0:57:350:57:41

I want to go home!

0:57:410:57:42

The oil is running out, the money is all gone, the planes are destroying the planet.

0:57:480:57:53

Maybe it's time we sat on a drizzly beach again and wondered what's out there, over the horizon?

0:57:570:58:03

What's out there is abroad - outlandish, exotic and scary.

0:58:040:58:10

Maybe one day, if we save up, we can go there... Maybe...

0:58:100:58:16

Paradise, or at least paradise on earth is very much what you yourself make it. Let's have a bit of music.

0:58:200:58:26

What about Lure Of Tahiti? That sounds about the right sort of thing.

0:58:260:58:30

Oh really, that's not my colour, you know, it really isn't!

0:58:300:58:34

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:58:410:58:44

E-mail [email protected]

0:58:440:58:47

Mark Benton has been abroad, he knows all about it: 'The British are an island race - abroad is really abroad, not just across the border but actually over the horizon. It's far away - outlandish, exotic and scary. Frankly, we're terrified of it.'

The Brits, foreign travel and all points in between - how we got there, what we did there and how we got back.


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