Message in a Bottle Timothy Spall: All at Sea

I'm Timothy Spall,

this is my wife, Shane.

And that is the North Sea.

It might not look like it right now,

but we're on the trip of a lifetime, travelling round the British Isles.

This is supposed to be fun.

Oh...

All right.

It's OK.

-Oh, God.

-We're in.

-Hey!

-Jesus Christ!

Six years after leaving the Thames, we've arrived in Banff,

in north-east Scotland.

-You did well.

-Did I do all right?

-Oh, you did well.

In that time,

I've navigated over 1,700 miles,

rounding the Lizard,

taking on the Irish Sea,

and being blown away by the beauty of western Scotland.

Go on, have a jump.

There you go. Hello, darling!

After mooring for the winter in north-east Scotland,

we're heading south for the first time,

taking in the whole eastern coast of Britain.

-We're going round in circles.

-I am lost though, Shane.

Right, well, let's call the coastguard, love, and get someone to take us to shelter, shall we?

On our 500-mile journey back to London.

To the right of Canary Wharf. We can see the Dome.

We can see the Dome!

# Somewhere at sea. #

It's a spring day, isn't it?

We're in the town of Banff, Aberdeenshire.

It's a wonderful little place,

one of the best preserved townscapes in Scotland.

It's situated at the mouth of the River Deveron

and faces the town of Macduff.

This is very much old Scotland up here,

where the south has very little influence on the local dialect,

known as Doric, and the architecture.

I mean, look at that church up there. That could almost be

anywhere in northern Europe.

To me, first time I saw that Macduff outcrop, it looked like...

WOMAN SPEAKS IN LOCAL DIALECT

Can you can hear them speaking?

They could be speaking Norwegian.

Aw-ricka-ma-hi!

A bloke, the other day, said to me, he stopped, he pulled up in a van

and said, "Ach, I was watching ye on the tele t'ther nachti.

"In yer boaat, on the tele t'ther nacht."

I was watching you on the television the other night.

Nacht actually is German for night.

It's probably Norwegian for night.

Hiya.

Before we came to Banff, we were in Buckie,

15 miles up the coast of

the Moray Firth.

Here, we had the Princess Matilda spruced up with the full respray

but, most importantly,

we had the windows reinforced

ready to take on the tempestuous North Sea.

Money well spent, I hope.

Before we set off on our travels again,

I'd promised a local radio station a quick interview.

We went through a terrible period.

I got seriously ill in 1996, I had leukaemia. I've got over it,

but it was a tough period.

Is that something that sort of influenced you going to sea?

Realising that perhaps life was really out there?

What did I say to you, Shane, when I was slightly delirious,

-we were going to get two things, what did I say?

-Yeah, Rolls-Royce and a boat.

The thing is that we probably would not have ended up here

if we hadn't been doing this,

and I can only say what a lovely time we've had,

and we're going to go soon and it's been delightful.

That's great. You've been absolutely lovely guests.

We've been listening to Deveron Radio.

We're fans, we're fans.

When we can get it.

When our aerial dips below low tide, we can't hear anything.

Weather permitting, we will be on our way to Peterhead tomorrow.

40 nautical miles away and past the treacherous Rattray Head.

Oh, please, let us wake up in the morning so it's like this tomorrow,

because that trip we had out from Buckie was terrifying.

The gods are smiling on us,

it's a glorious morning for us mariners,

which is just as well, since today, we're taking on Rattray Head.

Rattray Head is my new bogeyman.

I'll probably come up here and go round it

because the first place we're going to go to from Banff

is Peterhead. Peter-heid!

Every time you go, "We're going round the corner," they all go,

"Aye, Rattray Head. Ay, hey, ah.

"Rattray Head, och, ooh."

So, everybody is saying it,

even people who have never been in a boat go, "Ooh, Rattray Head, hey."

Warnings duly noted, and we're off.

I should be all right,

it's not like I haven't done this before.

It's been a lovely place, hasn't it?

It's been a delightful winter,

albeit a difficult place to get to.

They're guillemots. Kittiwakes.

I don't think they are gannets, those long-winged birds.

No, they're guillemots.

Look at them, all just going round in a circle. They're all gannets.

I don't think they are gannets.

-They are.

-They're not gannets.

They are, he said, Keith, whatever his name is.

'Gannets or guillemots, I just hope they are a sign of good luck

'because this is big journey for us.'

For the first time since we were down in Cornwall,

we are going actually south.

'We're about to turn the final corner, to head south towards home,

'but lurking round Rattray Head

'is a south-westerly wind.'

Here we go, let's have a go at this.

-Are we coming round?

-Hold on, hold on, hold on.

It hits the land.

Here comes a big wave, so hold on.

And another one.

I wouldn't want to be out here in a gale, I tell you, crikey.

Are you going round Rattray?

That's Rattray Head there, look.

Rat trap head. I don't care for you, rat trap.

On the whole, I'd rather have the Lizard.

The weather has definitely changed.

Maybe the people in Banff, who warned me, had a point.

This is one of the reasons why many of them just don't take it on.

All you got to do is look at this.

See all these little things? Do you know what they are?

Wrecks.

Shit.

This is rough.

You never know what's going to happen, do you?

When we left, beautiful sunny day,

like flippin' Regent's Park lake,

now look at it.

This isn't quite what I had in mind

when I was on my deathbed dreaming of taking to the seas.

And as always, my darling Shane has come along for the ride.

My God!

This is horrible.

Well, the wind's blowing, at the moment,

16 knots,

so that's a force five, four or five.

So these would be regarded as not rough.

I'm just a bit worried now

about getting into Peterhead.

About the approach.

Shane, I'm going to turn the boat in a minute.

-I know.

-So brace yourself.

-I am.

-Can I come out?

-Mmm.

Oh, my word.

Peterhead, we've made it.

That was like being in a washing machine.

I mean, how bizarre is this?

From what we've just been through

to the flat calm of this?

Horrifying, that was horrifying.

We were going over

10, 15-foot waves,

smashing into the next one. Where do you go, where do you go from here?

There's nowhere to go. I can't go, "Mum."

Or, "Shane, I've had enough."

Ooh...

Gently does it, gently Bentley.

Oh, lovely.

Peterhead sits at the easternmost point of mainland Scotland.

The huge breakwaters protecting the port

were built by prison inmates in the late 19th century.

If that ain't attached to anything, I'm going to scream.

It's often referred to as the 'Blue Toon'

on account of the blue stockings the fishermen once wore.

Not much sign of them now.

Here we are, though, look.

What an amazing place!

-There's a sort of beauty to that, though, isn't there?

-I love it.

I know a lot of people go, "Ooh, I don't like it, gas cylinders."

We've always loved stuff like that.

And I believe that's the prison up there.

Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. I did all right there, didn't I?

I've underestimated the North Sea,

and that last journey has filled me with dread.

For the first part of the journey, we were like that,

for the first three hours.

When we got to Rattray Head...

..we were doing that.

It was like biblical, it was horrendous,

it was like the roughest sea I've ever been in.

The North Sea is dangerous. You cannot sugarcoat it.

You know, you can't mess with it, you can't say,

"Oh, I love it here, let's stay for a couple of weeks."

If it's behaving itself, that's when you go.

I've read that there's a chance that the North Sea is calmer

the further south you go,

so as much as I love the beauty of this part of Scotland,

we're not hanging around.

We're off to Stonehaven, which means

going back out into the North Sea again.

I'm anxious, I'm nervous, because we got such a battering, and, er...

you never know what's going to happen, really.

So once I've calmed down and got my sea legs...

Do you know what I'm looking forward to?

Going back on the River Thames.

Don't hold your breath, that's six months away, if we're lucky.

We know the boat can take it now,

but someone was standing on the beach at Rattray Head,

and they saw us through the binoculars,

and they were really worried and they were going to call the coastguard.

Because we were moving about so much.

I think that's Slains Castle...

..where Bram Stoker,

so the story goes, so the legend has it,

once upon a time, and all that,

that this Slains Castle, which is a ruin,

it was the model for Dracula's castle.

Count MacDracula.

As tempting as it is, it's not going to stop us heading south,

especially as the North Sea could play up at any moment.

There we go, look at that.

How many people have the opportunity to go past one of the big, great Scottish cities?

I'll keep my eye on that door,

I don't want it to chop my flippin' arm off.

That is Aberdeen.

Those tower blocks, there.

That is the big seaport town of north-east Scotland.

The Granite City.

Or, as a taxi driver said the other day,

"Aye, it's cos it's all grey and drab. That's why they call it that."

"It's made out of granite."

"Aye, but granite IS grey and drab."

It's actually rather attractive.

When Matilda was moored up in Banff for winter,

we came up a few times for short holidays.

I love it, extremely friendly people

and it's not really on the tourist trail.

Not like the west side, which is lovely,

but this side, you know,

you really get a sense of an unspoiltness about the place.

You know, it's suffering a little bit from lack of work,

and things like that,

but it's a really lovely unspoilt place.

I can see the harbour.

Actually, I'm telling complete lies, I can't see it at all.

We've certainly had our ups and downs on this trip.

Coming round Rattray Head, we faced a biblical storm,

but today, someone seems to have moved Stonehaven.

Where is it?

Over there. Sorry, I'm just concentrating, love.

Have you seen it?

Yeah, that's it there, yeah.

There, look.

Phew. It's still here.

Stonehaven has actually been here since the Iron Age,

so I would have been slightly miffed if it had suddenly moved.

It's got a rich historical past,

playing a part in the first battle of the Civil War in 1639.

There's also an unfinished war memorial

to commemorate the local lives lost in the Great War.

It has been deliberately unfinished

to mirror the unfinished lives of those young men.

We're being welcomed by harbour master Jim Brown.

Hi, Mr Brown, I presume?

-Pleased to meet you.

-Nice to meet you as well.

I tell you what, after Rattray Head, that was nothing.

The journey isn't quite over.

Just one last stop.

The best Indian in Stonehaven.

There's an Indian in the middle of town.

If you go up into the main street,

along the main street on your right, there's an Indian there.

That's always our ritual, whatever port we go to, whatever place we turn up in,

Wales, England, Ireland, Scotland, Isle of Man,

we always go straight for an Indian.

It's a pleasure to meet you, mate. Real pleasure to meet you.

And you. I'll see you in the morning, then.

Cheers, really, thanks a lot, Jim. Thanks very much.

Nice, isn't it?

Isn't it lovely?

Stonehaven harbour was developed in the 1820s by Robert Stevenson,

the grandfather of the great Robert Louis Stevenson.

And it became the centre of trade for silver darlings.

That's herring to you and me.

I wonder if they're on the menu?

Regretfully, one night in Stonehaven has to be enough for us

because very soon, we'll be on our way south again.

When I was with this, full of wine and booze,

and I stopped in the pub and the missus of the pub said,

"My husband said if I ever get one of them, he'll kill me."

I said, "Well, thing is, when you haven't got a car, you know,

"it's the best way of transporting your shopping."

So I will do my best impersonation of a man...

with a modicum of dignity,

pulling an old lady's trolley.

Auf wiedersehen!

Now there's a fellow gent

deeply impressed with my trolley.

Our next destination

takes us out of Aberdeenshire

for the first time in six months,

as we head towards Arbroath

and the county of Angus.

We leave on a sea of tranquility...

..go through a three-hour cycle in the washing machine again...

..and arrive on a sea of tranquility.

The North Sea is doing my head in.

So when we came out of there,

it was like we were in the flippin' Caribbean on a beautiful day, nothing.

All of a sudden, bang, bang, bang, bang.

It was a bit scary.

But it's better than sitting home watching 'Flog It!'

The Americans use a wonderful term when you're getting over-stressed,

'Hey, it is decompress. We need to decompress.'

Which is, actually, we've got the bends,

we need to go into a bends tank of relaxation.

-Yeah.

-That's the flippin' North Sea, it seems to me.

'But this is no time to hang about,

'we've got to get to calmer waters

'and we're now just 60 nautical miles from the English border

'and, hopefully, a less turbulent North Sea.

'But there is time to visit

'one last Scottish port, Eyemouth.'

That's the Isle of May, out there.

That's Bass Rock.

RADIO INDISTINCT

Beautiful. Let's hope it stays this way, eh?

When we get, if and when we get to Eyemouth,

Eyemouth is only about seven miles from the border.

About seven miles north of Berwick.

-This is nice.

-Beautiful.

Don't forget... when we were on the Irish Sea,

we had land to our left and land to our right,

and land to our north and land to our south.

Across there,

400, 350 miles away, is Norway.

And about

2,000 miles that way

is Eastern Siberia.

So there's a lot of sea here.

This is a nice day,

it's only a six-foot swell.

Just hope it stays like this.

I'm really looking forward to going back to England.

I'm looking forward to going into Newcastle.

I'm looking forward to Whitby, Skegness.

We've been in Scotland now for six months. It's not bad, is it, really?

Look at the planes going over. Spitfires, look.

Look.

They're not Spitfires.

-Alas, not Spitfires.

-Of course they're not Spitfires!

-Completely random, though.

-'Definitely not gannets.

'Eyemouth is in the Scottish Borders

'and has been a major fishing port since the 13th century.

'In 1881, it was struck by

'one of the worst east coast fishing disasters,

'when 129 men and 20 boats were lost at sea.

'And judging by the way this sea can turn on you,

'we understand how that could have happened.'

There's even cannons up there.

Thank you very much.

-Hi, there, good afternoon to you.

-How are you?

-I'm all right.

I don't know what's happening to the weather, I've got to check it.

I think it will probably be one night, maybe two,

but we don't know, if that's all right?

-Yeah, I'll let you know.

-No problem.

-We'll be on the scene in the morning at seven o'clock.

-OK.

-Anyway, I'm going to do my greaser and do all that.

-Yes, get shipshape.

-Thank you so much.

-You're very welcome. We will see you tomorrow.

-Charming.

-A pleasure meeting you.

-A pleasure meeting you, mate.

This is our last stop before we cross the border

to the first port in England from here, Seahouses.

Right, general... "Seahouses is a split personality.

"This busy traditional scenic town has been horrendously modified

"to cater for a vast season..." Horrendous,

that's not very nice, is it?

-No.

-"..a vast season of weekend tourist trade,

"not only from day visitors, but also from a rash of caravan sites."

Oh, snobby!

"Pick a quiet time, it is very attractive,

"with splendid beach walks in both directions..."

If you possibly can, please try to avoid the working class,

as they eat ice creams, drop litter and are rather unattractive!

-You're just making that up, Timmy.

-It's what it says.

-No, it's not.

If you ever come across anybody declaring themselves a Geordie,

give them a wide berth.

They are dangerous and can be volatile.

That's what it says!

How dare they? Some of my favourite people, the Geordies.

Before we leave for Seahouses and its rash of caravan sites,

we have decided to put a message in a bottle

to mark the crossing of the border from Scotland to England.

-Is it too fat to go in?

-No.

-It might be too fat to come out, though.

-What are you going to do, just dip the end in it?

-I think so.

I don't know.

-It stinks.

-Yeah. That should do it, shouldn't it?

There, that was good.

Hurrah!

It's our message in a bottle.

How is it out there?

INDISTINCT REPLY

Perfect, just how I like it.

-Oh, it's lovely and flat, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Ready?

Both hands together.

Hold your hands together, and I'll kiss it as well.

Kiss it like that.

Right.

Right, I want you to throw it.

As hard as you can, and don't break it.

I'll throw it through the window.

Are you ready? Make a wish.

Go on, then...

Yay!

Oh, it's floating.

Of course it's floating.

No-one's going to find it if it's going to sink, are they?

I've been, to a certain degree, an adopted son of Newcastle.

I mean, we have to do it,

got to go under the Tyne Bridge, haven't we?

I could play him. We don't look unalike, do we?

The forecast says there's a slight...

No, looks all right.

We're going backwards, I expect.

I think we might have to turn round, love.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

# Somewhere at sea. #