The Bogey Man Timothy Spall: Somewhere at Sea


The Bogey Man

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In Cornwall, a strange craft is approaching Lizard Point,

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one of the most dangerous peninsulas in Britain.

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It's not a yacht

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or a liner. It's a barge.

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And no-one appears to be home.

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Is it a ghost ship?

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No, it's me, Timothy Spall testing out my brand new autopilot.

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Worth five grand of anybody's money so you can get a packet of crisps.

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With my wife Shane, I'm navigating my way around Britain in our barge.

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We started planning this adventure when I was recovering from leukaemia.

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Now I'm determined to explore Britain and all the beautiful places along the British coast.

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We've reached the most challenging stage of our adventure so far.

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The fierce rocks at Lizard Point and the famous Lands End.

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Taking Matilda out into the Atlantic.

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I'm nervous, I'm very nervous, actually. Quite scared.

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If I don't like it, we're coming back.

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Because it's supposed

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to be fun. It's an adventure, but it's supposed to be fun.

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# Somewhere at sea

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# A liner is somewhere at sea

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# Bringing to me

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# A traveller who will fill

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# My life anew... #

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There's nothing better, I'm telling you, than discovering your own country, by sea.

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It was here, Lizard Point in Cornwall,

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where the Spanish Armada was first spied attempting to invade England.

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If they'd come too close it wouldn't have been Francis Drake that defeated them,

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but the Lizard.

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These rocks are just a small part

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of a dangerous reef that stretches miles out under the sea.

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It's wrecked thousands of boats, giving it the comforting nickname "The Graveyard of Ships".

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This isn't where most people would choose to take their holiday home.

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But if I want to circumnavigate Britain, I've got no choice.

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Zero, zero five, zero,

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eight minutes.

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Decimal point three six four west.

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Our route takes us from Helford River, around the Lizard

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and across Mounts Bay into Newlyn.

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I've been waiting to do this journey for three months.

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That's three months of stewing over the Lizard.

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As I say, it's the Bogey Man to me.

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So, erm, I'm not taking me eye off the ball in any stretch of the imagination yet.

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I sometimes have periods of thinking, "Oh, my God,

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"what am I doing?", because I've never really been taught anything.

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No-one has told me how to do calculations or what I'm doing is right.

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It might turn out that it's a boiling tidal wave sea round there but...

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-You doubt yourself too much, Timmy.

-What?

-You doubt yourself too much.

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I started seeing the Lizard as some mythical creature that was tempting me to be foolish or to make

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the wrong decision, something that had to be conquered, you know.

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It's preposterous. Too much acting, you see.

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But there it is, that's the bit of the Lizard you can see.

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That's not the problem, it's the bit that's underneath it.

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Its rocks run hidden under the seas up to four miles from land.

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To avoid it, and as far from land as I dare, we are three miles out at Britain's most southerly point.

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We're just going like that at it, we're giving it a little ooh.

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Ooh, we don't like you, we're going over here,

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and then we're gonna go round that way.

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Er, so we're giving it a massive, erm...

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er, what's the word?

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We're avoiding it!

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It's dangerous!

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When you're getting shaken about, you know, your decision making is impaired.

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There's something about a rough or a choppy sea that makes you go a bit doolally.

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Oh, my God!

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-Don't do that, Timmy.

-I didn't do it on purpose!

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We've got another 6 hours of this.

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You know, as I say, it's supposed to be fun.

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The sea, it can be fierce,

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but you do find yourself prone to taking a few risks.

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Mothing ventured, nothing gained.

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How many people have said that, the next thing

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cut to a funeral cortege.

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We're now right at the tip here of the Lizard, I can see

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the headland of Mounts Bay on the other side,

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and I'm really tempted to cut that corner,

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but I'm actually doing it instinctively but

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I don't think I should, for some reason.

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But it looks absolutely fine.

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We've chosen the right day.

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I hope so.

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Well, I think we have.

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Yeah, well, we might have chosen the only day.

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# When the shadows of the evening Creep across the sky

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# When your mummy comes upstairs To sing a lullaby

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# Tell her that the Bogeyman No longer frightens you

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# Uncle Henry's very kindly Told you what to do... #

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I'm not saying anything to tempt fate,

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but we have come round the Lizard, our dear little Lizard,

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scary little reptilian bastard.

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And there it is! Look at it!

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Benign thing that it is. It's only a piece of land.

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I'm not going to get smug, I'm not going to insult you, Lizard,

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I bow before you.

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You know, you've got to be wary of it but don't let fear hold you back, I think the term is, isn't it?

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Between Lizard Point and Newlyn is Mounts Bay, the largest bay in Cornwall.

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It's thought its name comes from the island, St Michael's Mount.

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A famous landmark which tells me we've reached our next destination.

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I feel like Marco Polo,

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Francis Drake, Dame Ellen McArthur.

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In 34 seconds, we will have arrived in Newlyn.

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Newlyn is the fishing capital of southern England.

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Fishing is its lifeblood.

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You don't get many pleasure boats around here.

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Shane, there's a free pontoon over there.

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There seems to be one or two spaces, but they could be reserved.

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I don't want to get into a fight with a fisherman.

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Where we gonna moor?

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Newlyn Harbour, Newlyn Harbour, this is the Princess Matilda, over?

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There's no-one about.

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Newlyn Harbour, Newlyn Harbour, this is the Princess Matilda, over.

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Is he the man up there?

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Ah, he looks like he might be the security guy.

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I think he's telling me to pull up alongside that old tug.

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-Well, that's handy.

-That's really handy.

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This'll be fun,

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this'll be fun.

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It's not ideal. Especially if it ups and leaves tomorrow.

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So we'll be all right, they're not want to go in the morning, are they?

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-No, no, it will be here for a while.

-Oh, is it? Smashing.

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It's just really,

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just really strange. This is where we live. Look!

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Look! I can't believe we got here.

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Honestly, I can't.

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All I've got to do is get off now.

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We've conquered the Lizard, but the adventure isn't quite over.

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-Blimey!

-How are you going to get me up there?

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Stand on that. Shane doesn't like heights particularly, and she's prone to getting problems with her hips.

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Are you all right?

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Are you sure?

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Fred Dibnah!

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I hope it's high tide when we get back.

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The antithesis to Helford, innit?

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Helford is an idyllic holiday paradise and this is a proper working boatyard.

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And most of the boats are working guys who fish for a living, so.

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We'll have some good fishing for tomorrow. Hope you catch some nice fish, or girls.

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One of our traditions, no matter how tired we are, is that when we get to a new port, we go for a curry.

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Do you feel a sense of satisfaction?

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Oh yeah, Great satisfaction.

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Honestly, I feel really intrepid.

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But I'll feel even more intrepid when I've got some poppadoms down me.

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There's no better feeling than mooring up in a new town,

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getting a good meal and a peaceful night's sleep.

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There was lots of crashing and crunching about in the night

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as it's 24 hours fishing, innit, you know I mean, they go out, you know, anytime, any weather.

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This is like being in a factory really, or a, like a sort of a warehouse, you know?

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It's a fishing factory. Lots of fishing boats, lots of noise.

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Our next journey is our biggest yet.

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Going out into the Atlantic Ocean.

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I'm going to take our barge around Longships,

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the famous lighthouse at Lands End.

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It's no coincidence it's called Lands End, you know.

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3,000 miles away is the next piece of land. America.

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It's a massive adventure.

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And we're doing it while we're old enough, or young enough,

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to do it, you know?

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But I never venture out, without seriously finding out

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as much as I possibly can.

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-Right, I hand you the harbour master.

-Harbour master, for my sins.

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Mr Munson, the harbour master, has worked on the docks here for 40 years.

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So I expected some sound advice.

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Don't do what the last ones did.

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What were they doing, they were doing training for Atlantic rowing.

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They didn't get the tides right, they didn't get the weather right,

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we had three lifeboats out after them.

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-Oh, my God. Are we too big for one of these pontoons?

-Yes, you are.

-You haven't even got a hammer head?

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No, and the other thing is I have to give priority to the fishing boats,

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because they were paid for with the EU fisheries grant.

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Ah right, well, we don't want to argue with them.

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-No!

-Well, we're all right here?

-You're fine, you've got no problems here at all.

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All right? Any problems, you know where we are.

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I certainly do. I appreciate your help greatly.

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-Thanks, mate. Thanks very much. Cheers.

-OK, see you later, all the best. Cheers.

-Bye.

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They all think we're mad, but they're not stopping us.

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When we started this journey four years ago,

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I knew we'd have to go around Lands End at some stage.

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But it always felt a long way off.

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With Mr Munson's words of warning and the lack of sleep,

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I'm starting to lose confidence.

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I need to get more advice, but as Shane won't use the ladder again,

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we're paddling ashore.

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Just be careful. Oooop! Ooop! Ooop!

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Cor blimey, I'm gonna fall in that water.

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What a bloody palaver!

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There's a hand down there reaching for help, pleading with us not go round Lands End.

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That's it, crawl out.

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Yeah.

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You just be careful, Superman.

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-This is ridiculous.

-Yeah, well, why don't we just go up the bloody ladder?

-I don't know.

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There you are on your hands and knees.

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Begging like a dog.

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There's no shortage of mariners in this town.

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But we're going to see the best.

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The Penlee Lifeboat crew.

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There are 18 in this crew - most are volunteers.

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They take on storms in the Atlantic to help people like me,

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no matter what the danger.

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In the mountainous seas still raging off the Cornish coast...

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It was Christmas nearly 30 years ago that the Penlee Lifeboat

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became a symbol of international heroism.

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Eight of their members were lost trying to rescue men,

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women and children aboard a coaster stranded in a fierce gale.

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He's a hero,

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and he always will be, and so will the rest of the crew.

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'The Queen sent the crew's families messages of sympathy, but the people

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'of the village have already asked for another lifeboat to continue

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'their tradition of lifesaving.'

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Many of the volunteers today knew or were related to that brave crew.

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We steam past the old lifeboat house every time we go to sea, so you do realise that things can

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go wrong, but I've got total faith in the boat and the crew.

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It's an honour to meet Patch, who's been on the lifeboat for over 16 years and is now its coxswain.

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In other words, the boss.

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-And is this the largest class?

-The biggest one they do.

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-The biggest one they do. Yeah, we've got the little model of it on our wheelhouse.

-Yeah, I've seen that.

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Blimey, it's a home from home.

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It's got fitted carpets.

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This is a serious bit of kit, innit, blimey.

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This boat cost £2 million,

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all paid for by voluntary contributions.

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-What's she made of, steel?

-No, it's fibre-reinforced composite.

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-Hit it with a sledgehammer and it wouldn't go through it.

-Yeah.

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-Cor blimey.

-Crikey, look at these...

-1250 horsepower, each engine.

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Now when we're going at full speed, we're burning about 130 gallons an hour.

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-Good God!

-You're dealing with serious people here, you know,

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people who are on a day-to-day basis, prepared to risk their lives to save others.

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What's the biggest sea you've been out in?

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We've been out in 10s a few times, Force 10.

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Oooh, do you get scared?

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When you're actually out there, cause you all have jobs to do

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and I suppose you're concentrating, you don't really think about it.

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-Yeah, no.

-To help me get over my fears of rounding Land's End, Patch has a special surprise.

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He's taking us out to see the danger that awaits me and Shane.

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Phwoar! Feel the power in that.

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Crikey! Cor, look at her wash!

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Good God! It'll take me half an hour to get here on the barge.

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It's fantastic. Fantastic!

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You know, given that Patch and his guys could at any one time end up

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in a potential tragic situation,

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they're deeply undramatic about their job.

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They get on with it.

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-See the rock there, look? Just covering?

-Oh, yeah, yeah, there?

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That? What's that called?

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That's called The Bucks.

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Yeah, we have shouts for people losing their propellers up here.

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They don't know why.

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So you know these waters so well, you can go right up and right against them, yeah?

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I say Patch, if you ever run into any trouble, we can always call out the barge.

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You never know what's going to happen when you're out at sea.

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Really? All right.

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'And I certainly didn't expect to be getting a driving lesson.'

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Blimey!

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It just cuts straight through the waves, doesn't she?

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I can really feel the immense power. It's about 28mph, innit?

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I've never driven anything as fast as this.

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Compared to Matilda, it's like driving a Ferrari.

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It feels like I've got a massive beast underneath of me that I'm pretending I know how to control.

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I took great encouragement just having someone like Patch saying,

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"I think you'll be all right in that." No more, no less.

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-I have...

-Did you have a bit of a steer?

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I have been helming. I've been helming, darling.

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I thought, "This is a lifeboatman."

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He's not going to say to an idiot like me that my boat is seaworthy unless he thinks it is.

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Now, that was tremendous. Because I know what you do, you guys, and it's never lost, it's never lost on us.

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Because we're idiots and we're taking a funny boat around, we know that you're always there.

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People who don't even raise an eyebrow are the ones I listen to,

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because they tend to be the ones that the sea flows through their veins as their blood does.

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The wonderful thing about this country is that the sea is free and if you wanted to paddle a baguette

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with a snooker cue from Dover to Calais, you'll be allowed,

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as long as you've made a plan.

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My plan is to take a barge around Britain's most famous coastal landmark in one piece.

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So we're here and we've got to go all the way round here.

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This is Lands End, that's only about seven miles away.

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And then you've got to give it a wide berth around Longships, which is a big rock.

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If you go too far out, there's big ships

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coming that way and the first place you can pull into is St Ives.

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So, caution is the watchword. All right, cheers.

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And this is a totally new...

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Patch and his crew come down to wave us off on our biggest adventure yet.

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I think they've given us enough security, that I think Tim

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-will manage completely fine, yeah.

-We've got some good weather, innit.

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-Lovely.

-We should really get some diesel, but I think we'll manage till we get to St Ives.

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-And so we're gonna leave about an hour before low tide.

-See you later, cheers.

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It's been a pleasure to meet them, it's been an honour, it's been a real honour.

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So helpful, you know, and so delightful.

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It makes you realise what an amazing job these ordinary guys do.

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It's lovely. Did you see them? They all came out and waved to us. Patch and Peter and his wife.

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A beautiful day, a sense of confidence instilled in me

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by Patch and his crew, and a deep, rumbling terror underneath the confidence,

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knowing that we were

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going to this iconic thing of going round Lands End. If you look at it,

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there's quite a big swell, and because it's on the side,

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it's making us roll.

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-Ooop!

-There's a helicopter up there, look. I think that's the coastguard.

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Any confidence I had when I left Newlyn is completely gone,

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along with the good weather.

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Every time I go to sea, I'm absolutely in a state of high anxiety.

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Once you get out there, it does what it wants, you know.

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The elements are the elements and they're unpredictable.

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It's a different kind of sea, it's all like wriggly, little scaly sea now. That's flat, this is all scaly.

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'I wonder if Shane is as nervous as me.

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'If she is, she wouldn't tell me.'

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I came to Lands End when I was a little girl. I never thought I'd come round here this way.

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How do you think Matilda's doing?

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Oh, she's fine, she likes a bit of a ride.

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She's doing absolutely fine, Matilda's fine.

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She likes a bit of wave.

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It's Tim that gets a bit anxious.

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When you're there, in charge of a boat that is bobbing about,

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you do not have a chance to think about anything else.

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You cannot worry about the past, the future, your anxieties

0:23:220:23:27

are completely in the present.

0:23:270:23:31

Longships, Lands End.

0:23:310:23:35

I'm thinking "Bloody hell, I'm going round Lands End, I'm going round Lands End.

0:23:350:23:41

"I'm doing it. That's Longships. Keep going! Keep going!"

0:23:410:23:46

I think it's nice that we're skippering my own boat around such a famous,

0:23:500:23:56

you know, worldwide famous piece of land. There you go.

0:23:560:24:00

End of England that way,

0:24:000:24:04

Amerikee, 3,000 miles away.

0:24:040:24:07

It would be even better if it was calm.

0:24:080:24:11

There is nothing to explain that feeling of being in charge of your own vessel,

0:24:200:24:25

coming around Lands End.

0:24:250:24:28

It's like a fantastic, loony conquest.

0:24:290:24:34

-Longships, we've left it behind.

-Did we turn the corner of England?

0:24:360:24:41

Yeah. Yeah, we've walked round the corner.

0:24:410:24:45

'After four hours, we're on the home straight.'

0:24:450:24:49

You've done really well, my love.

0:24:490:24:51

It's an adventure, innit?

0:24:560:24:59

That simple delight of discovering your own country and places

0:25:010:25:06

you've always wanted to go, by sea, is a rare thing.

0:25:060:25:10

Welcome to St Ives!

0:25:100:25:13

The picturesque town of St Ives has won awards for its beauty.

0:25:160:25:21

Like many old Cornish fishing towns,

0:25:210:25:24

its main industry nowadays is tourism,

0:25:240:25:27

and it's visited by seafood lovers of all kinds.

0:25:270:25:32

It's a seal! Timmy, there's a seal!

0:25:320:25:34

I've never seen one before.

0:25:400:25:42

Shane was reading me the weather off this morning, I was looking

0:25:450:25:49

at me charts and last night, I thought, "Oh, we'll go round that way."

0:25:490:25:53

And then somebody said "Oh, no, take the inside route, you go round this route, you go that route.

0:25:530:25:58

"Don't do that, go round..."

0:25:580:25:59

I'm thinking "I wanna go home, I wanna go home, I wanna go lie down.

0:25:590:26:04

"I wanna go and watch Flog It!"

0:26:040:26:07

Go and watch Flog It! and Dickinson's Deals.

0:26:070:26:11

Because I never, never trust the fact that I know what I'm doing,

0:26:150:26:19

but this time I seemingly got it spot on and not only did I get it right, we were two hours early.

0:26:190:26:26

One of the local fishermen has brought us a treat to celebrate our success.

0:26:280:26:34

I've brought them some fresh mackerel caught this morning and filleted off,

0:26:340:26:39

and I've just got some crabs off a friend of mine and brought them here.

0:26:390:26:42

-For Tim's dinner this evening.

-There you go, he's got fish for tea.

0:26:420:26:45

-And crab.

-And crab for tea. He'll be happy.

0:26:450:26:49

First, Shane's got another mouth to feed.

0:26:490:26:52

Come on, baby.

0:26:520:26:54

-Is that my dinner?

-Come on, baby.

0:26:540:26:57

Ah ah ah!

0:26:570:27:00

I'm going to close my eyes. No, I'm scared, I'm scared! I'm scared!

0:27:000:27:03

Get right down below,

0:27:030:27:05

come on.

0:27:050:27:07

It's wonderful. It's wonderful, look.

0:27:120:27:16

I can't bear it, look, those eyes.

0:27:170:27:20

Cheers. Thank you for your help, mate.

0:27:260:27:30

Here's to St Ives.

0:27:300:27:32

A wonderful day. Wonderful and terrifying day.

0:27:320:27:37

'Finally, I'm starting to feel like a proper captain.'

0:27:370:27:41

Yeah, I know what I'm doing, love.

0:27:410:27:43

-Cor blimey!

-I think we've run aground.

-Yeah.

0:27:430:27:48

This is a technical term,

0:27:550:27:58

I'm giving it a whack.

0:27:580:27:59

You're going to get a few surprises,

0:28:010:28:04

but on the whole, you won't perish,

0:28:040:28:08

unless you're really unlucky.

0:28:080:28:11

-Oh,

-BLEEP!

0:28:110:28:14

I'm trembling.

0:28:170:28:19

A different story everyday.

0:28:190:28:22

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