Eric and Ernie

LAUGHTER

Hey, Harry, that lad of yours, he never stops, does he?

I know.

HE HUMS NONCHALANTLY

-He'll wear himself out.

-He's like this all the time.

-BAND PLAYS

-# Let's have a tiddly at the Milk Bar

MUSIC: NELLIE WALLACE # So let's have a tiddly at the Milk Bar

# Let's make a night of it tonight

# Let's have a tiddly at the Milk Bar

# Let's paint the town a lovely white

# You buy half a pint

# I'll buy half a pint... #

Boys. If I don't make it,

then give my wine gums to my sweetheart.

OK, men.

What the...?!

You buggers!

Go, go!

SHOOT-OUT EFFECTS FROM WESTERN

I've been hit!

WESTERN SOUNDTRACK: Come on, git up!

I said get up, you snake!

Ma, I can see Ma.

And she's not laughin'.

-Just entertaining the lads.

-I'll entertain you in a minute.

-You can't play cowboys and Indians all your life.

-Can't I?

-Home, now, you'll be late for your dance class.

-See you, lads.

Bye, Eric.

# So let's have a tiddly at the Milk Bar

# (HUMS)... old cow.

TOILET FLUSHES

Ladies and gentlemen, you loved him last time...

I'm sure you'll love him this time.

Give a big Beeston welcome to Carson and Kid.

# What I couldn't be, little pal

# I want you to be, little pal

# I want you to laugh and to sing and play

# And be good to Mother while Daddy's away

# I'll pray every night, little pal

# That you'll turn out all right, little pal

# So if we meet again, heaven knows where or when

-# Think of me now and then, little pal. #

Have you got the sprockets?

No, I always walk like this.

Do you want to buy me an airgun?

-Why would I want to buy you an air gun?

-Because I laugh at your jokes.

-Very good but no. You'll have to save up from your pocket money.

-I don't get pocket money.

-Well, when you do you can save up for it.

-I've got a better idea.

-I give up dance classes and the money we save buys me an airgun. What do you reckon?

-I'll see, all right.

What the bloody flip are you playing at, it's 10 past. Why don't you keep an eye on the time?

-If you get oil on that shirt...

-We're doing up his bike.

It's going to be bespoke.

-Be-spoke!

-I'll bespoke you if you don't get movin'.

Dad says I can give up dance classes.

-Hey...

-Dad's talking scribble then.

He says with the money we save he'll buy me an airgun. Didn't you?

-I didn't say it was a done deal exactly.

-Get your coat on, Eric.

And you, stop filling his head with daft ideas. He's got enough of his own!

The bike will still be here when you get back.

Airgun... Where's an airgun going to get you?

-Will you get a ruddy move on!

-Could have got changed when I got there.

Nobody's looking at you, I don't know where you get that daft idea from.

I've got my own plans, you know.

-This better not be a joke.

-At 15, I'll get a paper round.

At 17, I'll learn to read it.

Very funny. Very cute. Write it down, use it after your Bud Flanagan.

CAR HORN BEEPS

-Look at Eric!

-Oh, no. Flaming heck!

# I'm not all there

# There's something missing... #

More gormless!

Shoulders.

No, more gormless!

1, 2, 3.

Eric, what does your dad look like when he's checking his coupon?

Skip and...

TRAIN WHISTLES

Tiddly at the Milk Bar, My Little Pal, Sheikh Of Araby.

I think we should open with Sheikh of Araby.

Then the white horse gag.

Get them on our side, then make them cry.

Fair enough.

# Let's have a tiddly at the milk bar

# Let's make a night of it tonight

# Let's have a tiddly at the milk bar

# Let's paint the town a lovely white

# You buy half a pint, I'll buy half a pint

# We'll try to drink a pint somehow

# So let's have a tiddly at the milk bar

# And drink to the dear old cow. #

Then we go into a more sentimental number for the big finish.

Not a dry eye in the house, guaranteed.

It works better if I'm in blackface for it, but you get the idea.

Don't bother, Ronnie, I've seen enough. Now, I need an act for tonight.

Ernie, I could use.

But not you, Mr Wise.

But we're Carson and Kid.

Well, it's Kid I want.

You can stay on and do a few bits and pieces while the lad's there

so he's not on his own, but let's be clear about one thing, it's Ernie as a solo act.

Take it or leave it.

Next!

We can go straight home and do the clubs.

We were doing all right.

Let's just get the train home.

I don't have to play the West End.

Of course you have to play it.

Chance of a lifetime.

You understand that, don't you?

I can't stay, son.

Let's get you to the hotel.

You understand, don't you?

Your mam's got her hands full.

Come on.

We can't survive on bits and pieces.

Bloody hell! What would your brothers and sisters make of this, eh?

What about that?

-Talk about living!

-Grand, yes.

And think on.

Don't trust any bugger.

Ever. Keep yoursen to yoursen.

Work hard, never let up.

Don't fall for girls. Keep your bank book close to your heart.

Of course.

You do what Mr Hylton tells you, all right?

Yes, Dad.

I'm proud of you.

You hear me?

Good lad.

'Ernie? Ernie?'

Are you nervous, lad?

No.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to give a big hand for a very big talent.

Little Ernie Wise!

APPLAUSE

JAZZY MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I know they think I'm slow

# Let them think, let them think

# I don't care

# Sometimes I run errands for the folk at the Grange

# With a five pound note they trust me

# Perhaps you think that's strange

# But they never call a policeman when I say I've lost the change

# Cos I'm not supposed to be all there. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Eric Bartholomew, ladies and gentlemen.

And now we'd like to introduce Nelly Braithwaite, Flight of the Bumblebee.

What did I tell you? Best act here by a mile.

I'm not wearing this again. Look at the state of me!

Give over. The bigger you are, the funnier it looks.

HE SNORES

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

Never mind, son.

-Happen you'll lose next time.

-I heard that.

-Guess what first prize was?

-By the look on your face, I take it it wasn't tea with Miss Blackpool.

-An audition.

-Another audition?

-Not just another audition.

He gets to audition for Jack Hylton.

Oh, Jack Hylton.

THE Jack Hylton?

Well, I'll be.

Who's Jack Hylton?

Ha-ha!

ORGAN PLAYS

APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Now, the reason you are all here is because you've got talent.

You've proved that by winning your regionals.

But I'm here to tell you that talent counts for nothing

without hard work, application and nerve.

But don't just take my word for it.

Oh, no. There's a young man come here today, just like you a few years back, young man, yes!

He auditioned for me in the afternoon and I put him onstage

at the London Palladium with Arthur Askey that very night.

Let me please introduce you to the current star of Youth Takes a Bow.

Britain's Mickey Rooney... Ernie Wise!

APPLAUSE

Why can't I wear something like that?

-It's not funny.

-It is with him in it.

Boys and girls, welcome.

When I first appeared at the Palladium, they called me the Jack Buchanan of tomorrow.

And who knows, perhaps one of you out there right now

will one day be written up as the Ernie Wise of tomorrow.

Or the Jack Buchanan of a week last Tuesday.

Isn't he confident?

-That's one word for it.

-Next...

-Crack a smile, why don't you?

-I'm not doing it.

-..Eric Bartholomew!

You've come this far, of course you're ruddy doing it! You could be like Ernie Wise.

I don't want to be like Ernie Wise. Big head, short legs, full of himself.

-Eric Bartholomew!

-Go on, give it all you've got.

If you do, I'll buy you that airgun. How about that?

Right, Adolf. This will put a goose in your step!

Prepare to see the finest display of gunmanship

since Nelson shot Napoleon in the Dardanelles.

MUSIC: "Guarding the Home of the Home Guard" by George Formby

# I'm guarding the home of the Home Guard

# Guarding the Home Guard's home... #

Eric!

-Eric!

-Have I been called up?

-Yes.

-Oh, they know a sniper when they see one.

They've picked you. You're in Youth Takes a Bow!

Flaming heck!

Your favourite. Before you say anything, George, I know tinned salmon is not an everyday thing,

but it's not every day, is it?

And, oi!

-Vanilla slice for afters. One each.

-Bloody hell, what's he landed, London Palladium?

Only a matter of time, according to Mr Hylton.

Six months on the road, who knows where it might lead?

-How do you mean, on the road?

-We'll not be back every night if we're touring the country, will we?

-No, I suppose not, now you mention it.

-Touring the country?

-When will I see my mates?

-You'll make new mates.

Variety mates. Mates with a bit of something about them.

I don't want variety mates, I've got a gang here. And an airgun.

-Eric, do you want to be tied to a whistle all your life like your dad?

-Well...

-Eric, listen to me.

You make people laugh, you're a lovely dancer and you can hold a tune.

But more than that, and I mean this as the mother who carried you and nursed you and raised you,

you aren't any good at anything else.

You told me it was the teachers' fault!

You were bottom of the class at everything except fooling around.

So if fooling around is what you are good at, then why not do it for a living, then?

There's no answer to that.

What's your name again, sonny?

Eric Bartholomew. He's a bit nervous, first day and all that.

-Bet you were just the same, weren't you?

-Not really. I went straight on in the West End.

-Arthur said it was as though I'd been doing it for years.

-You should get some new material.

Arthur Askey, he's a lovely fella.

Hey, I'll introduce you when he comes down. Good luck, sonny.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you, thank you,

Arthur Tolcher.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to go easy on this next youngster,

because it's his first time on a professional stage.

-I'll smash his face in!

-You'll do no such thing.

-A warm welcome

for the big baby...

Eric Bartholomew!

-Eric, Eric, go!

-Right.

I'll give them a big baby.

What are you doing?

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ernie! Ernie!

Eric can sign a couple if you're very quick.

I'm Not All There. You maybe don't recognise him, the lollipop.

Thank you. You were great, you were really good.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Ernie, are you with us at Mrs Last's?

-No, I'm with a Mrs Waite. She's kept me the first floor front.

-Where's your mother?

-She's at home in Leeds.

-Have you not got a chaperone?

-Why would I need a chaperone?

Cheerio.

-Did you hear that?

-Yeah, even his own mother's fed up with him.

-Yes?

-Ernie Wise, I'm booked in for two nights.

-Ernie who?

-Wise. I'm the headline in Youth Takes a Bow.

Mr Hylton has made my arrangements.

Not with me, he hasn't. Try Mrs Last's on Cross Street, love.

But...

AIR RAID SIREN WAILS

# Oh, you beautiful doll... #

Swing, tap, swing.

Sidestep, sidestep.

-Picture. Picture.

-BOMB WHISTLES OVERHEAD

LOUD CRASH

-Mum? You know said I'd enjoy showbusiness?

-Yeah.

I'm not. KNOCK AT DOOR

Aagh!

That were very close.

All you all right in here?

-Yes. What about everybody else?

-Everybody's fine.

-It'll be bad news for somebody.

-Hope it didn't hit the theatre.

KNOCK AT DOOR

If that's Hitler, tell him he missed!

-Come on, come on!

-All right, I'm coming.

I'm Ernie Wise, I'm looking for a room for tonight.

We're fit to burst in here.

Come in a minute.

I'll get a pencil and paper and I'll write some addresses down.

Is that Ernie, is that our Ernie?

-Hello, Mrs Bartholomew.

-What are you doing wandering around in the blackout? You're not courting?

A mix-up with the digs, I'm just sorting something out.

We can't have you wandering the streets. You can share with us.

What happened to your first floor front, then? Eh?

Did it not pass muster?

My digs got bombed.

Expecting you, were they?

Come on, you and me will have to top and tail.

-What? I'm not sharing with you!

-Good, I was hoping you'd say that. You and Ernie can top and tail.

-Are you keeping your socks on, are you?

-Yes.

When did you last change them?

February.

You've got all the blankets.

I'm top of the bill.

-See you tomorrow.

-Hang on, Eric, I'm bunking up with you again.

-Oh, no, sunshine.

-I arranged it with your mum.

-You didn't want to ask me about it, then?

-Hey, give over sulking.

-We'll all save a few bob and you might learn some manners.

-Allow me.

Thank you, Ernie.

Go on.

-How much have you saved so far?

-Sixpence ha'penny.

Jelly baby?

-Thank you.

-Don't take a boy.

Perhaps he's not all there.

-What?

-Your song, I'm Not All There.

That's what it's about, your whatsits are missing. It's a double meaning.

No, it's a simpleton routine, isn't it, mum?

I was going to tell you when you were 21.

I can't believe it.

Goodnight, boys.

All right, who's this?

I thought I told you to just drink half the soda.

I did, but my half was at the bottom!

AIR RAID SIREN WAILS

Flaming heck!

'We have to be prepared in the Mediterranean as the air battle is continuing...'

MUSIC PLAYING ON RECORD PLAYER

And now, I bring you... Mr Fred Astaire!

Ernie, Ernie. Enough now.

It was lovely, but we're trying to get a bit of rest.

-You were rubbish anyway.

-Hey!

-All right!

-Get out of that.

-Ssh, ssh, ssh, the pair of you!

It's like being trapped with the Crazy Gang.

-I see us as a more of a Wilson, Keppel and Betty.

-I think you'll find there are three of them.

Now there's a novelty! LAUGHTER

-Go on. Write that down.

-Eh?

-That was a good gag, you can work up a double act.

Solo from Ernie, soft shoe to finish. Let Ernie do it, he's got better handwriting.

I've missed this.

Me too.

You can see it every day, there isn't a better view in the world.

I thought you meant holding hands.

I did, you daft beggar.

Sorry we're away so much.

Get away with you.

It's not too much for you, being on your tod all the time?

Who says I'm on me tod? Ada Bailey makes a very acceptable egg custard.

Ha-ha! She had ringworm right through school, I just thought you should know that.

Give us a cuddle.

-What are you supposed to be?

-A businessman.

-A businessman doesn't walk like that.

You don't know my business.

-Those two ever stop?

-Not really.

I sometimes wonder what I've started.

APPLAUSE

-What's this?

-What's what?

-What's that?

-A Greek urn.

-What's a Greek urn?

About 30 bob a week. LAUGHTER

That reminds me, can you lend me £2, please?

It's all right, one'll do.

Now you owe me one.

I don't understand.

Lend me £2.

No, it's all right, one'll do. Now you owe me one.

I don't understand.

It's not sharp enough. Do it again, faster.

Lend me £2. No, it's all right, one'll do.

-Now you owe me one.

-I don't understand.

Lend me £2. No, it's all right, one'll do.

-Now you owe me one.

-I don't understand.

-I'll show you.

-Ask me for £2.

-Lend me £2.

-There's £2.

-How much have you asked for?

-£2.

-How much have I given you?

-£2.

Now you owe me two. Now we're all square.

ERIC SOBS

What are you crying for? You've just conned me out of £2!

It's me father.

He died this morning.

Oh, that's terrible! How did it happen?

He was on the roof of a paint factory,

slipped, fell through.

He drowned in a tank of varnish.

That's a horrible way to go.

On the contrary, everybody said he had a beautiful finish.

I thank you!

Very sharp last night, lads, very sharp.

-Sharp enough to give us a rise?

-Sharp enough for you to strike out on your own.

-What?

You're not sacking us, are you?

-You can't sack them.

-Hey, nobody's sacking anybody.

-Thank goodness for that.

I'm letting you go. The show is called Youth Takes a Bow.

-So what?

-They're 18 years old.

It's more like Grown Men Taking Liberties.

The audience wants plucky little boys and girls. They want cute.

You are a lot of things, boys, but cute ain't one of them.

Besides, king and country will be knocking any minute. Sorry, lads.

No hard feelings.

Ernie, can I have a word?

Shall we wait for you, Ernie?

You run along, Mrs B.

Oh, not another blooming power cut!

What are you playing at, sitting in the dark?

Ta-da!

-You daft beggar.

-Oh, it's like Morecambe illuminations. Only bigger.

Ta-da!

I'll make a brew while I can still see the kettle.

It'll be a green one, it's always a green one.

Does anybody actually like sprouts?

Shut up and keep peeling.

Why do folks send Christmas cards so late?

I forget Dorothy Gambit every year.

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Sounds like a big turkey!

-Ha-ha!

-Well, well, well, look who it is!

-That rules the Salvation Army out.

Look who the wind's blown in.

Father Christmas must be close, one of his little helpers is here already!

At least say hello before your routine. What a lovely surprise.

It is if you like sprouts.

It's a bit crowded at ours, as it turned out.

Well, there's always room for you here, Ernie.

Oh, yes, there's always room for Lily White.

I expect I'll be sleeping in the coal bunker.

Ern, you're missing your best mate, Arthur Askey's on!

Nightingale!

Go in and listen if you want.

-I'll get these done first.

-Good lad, Ernie.

It's the least I can do.

-Why's that, then?

-Well, you've given me Christmas and everything.

-Whatever else would it be?

-I don't know.

-You might be feeling bad about planning to go solo.

-What makes you think that?

Because if I was Jack Hylton, I might have advised you to give Eric the push and go solo.

How did you know?

He told Eric to do the same.

-What did Eric say?

-He said you were partners,

and you'd stick together thick and thin, there was nothing more to say.

Why? What did you say?

Well, it's difficult to know what to think.

Jack Hylton knows what he's talking about. There's no-one bigger.

You don't need Jack Hylton, you need Eric.

Stay with Jack Hylton, you'll be Little Ernie Wise all your life. You and Eric, you belong together.

You're both good solo acts, very good. But you're a great double act.

-And do you know why?

-I've a feeling you're about to tell me!

Because you have a great feel for the material.

You know what works, as a pair. You just do.

You just need to trust your instincts.

I knew you were too bright to disagree with me!

-Do you need a hand?

-Oh, now he asks me, now the job's done!

-Come on! It's cracker time!

-I might have a cracker.

-Are they jokes or mottoes?

-I hope it's jokes...

-We need the material.

THEY LAUGH

Nightingale!

'On Christmas Day,

'I speak to millions of you,

'scattered far...'

Ta-da!!

-Hmm.

-'..across the world...'

Doesn't feel the same, Christmas, without Eric and Ernie, does it?

Still, they'll be back on Civvy Street soon enough.

Mmm. Jobless on Civvy Street, if I can't find them something.

Southampton Hippodrome looking for acts.

Oh. No double acts, no vets.

Could we not treat ourselves to a new Advent calendar next year?

We're not made of money.

Swansea Empire...

looking for dancing girls.

-Well, Ernie's got the legs for it!

-Hmm!

You know what I think's holding them back?

-The war?

-Eric's name. Bartholomew and Wise?

Sounds like a firm of solicitors.

Oh. His name.

Got it!

That's what he should call himself.

Eric Visitor?

TRAIN WHISTLES

Hello, Eric!

Hello!

Hey, you've grown!

-Oh, have I?

-So, was it dark?

-Was what dark?

-Hiding in Churchill's cigar box until the war was over.

-Hello, Mrs B.

-Are you ready to start work again?

I think I already have!

-I've got the pair of you a job.

-A job? Is it number three circuit?

-Not quite number three.

-It's not pie and peas, is it?

No, it's better than pie and peas.

Well, it's a job.

I know it's not up to our usual standards.

I didn't know I had standards, till I got here.

LLAMA BLEATS

CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS

SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE

-Hey, what are you doing?

-I'm fishing.

You don't catch fish with an apple, you catch fish with a worm!

It's all right, the worm's in the apple.

Stop playing with your woggle, son, it's not nice.

You can't talk to a wolf cub like that!

It's for his own good! I'm only thinking of his ging-gang-goolie!

ERNIE SNIGGERS Did I say something funny?

Very nearly!

-Come on.

-Oh, you're off, then?

We'll carry on, though.

Much needed sustenance.

-Thank you, Ernie.

-Homemade.

-Oh, I see!

Bit of courting in your spare time?

Nothing as irresistible as a small fellow with cake.

Come on, cheer up.

Happen things will pick up after the advertising campaign.

What advertising campaign?

THEY TITTER

Oh, it's a living!

Undignified.

I'm not laughing.

-The Victoria Theatre, Henley.

-They've got Jewel and Warris.

-Found an ad for a couple of comics to close down a show?

-That wasn't your fault. It was never going to work.

-The Davenport, Stockport.

-It's a panto, too simple.

-I'll get Dad to put in a word with the council.

-Oh?

-Bournemouth Winter Gardens.

What makes you think he wants to? Manager's a lunatic. You'd never get paid.

-You wouldn't mind, would you?

-Well, there's two sides to everything, isn't there?

-It'd kill you.

-It'd kill you, you mean.

-Your mum's right, you won't be happy in Morecambe.

Just because you were born tap-dancing, like a clockwork mouse!

The pair of you are brilliant, but you won't get noticed up here. You need to be in London.

Do you think we should go to London?

Ooh...

You know me, I don't go much on thinking.

Well, if you did, what would you say?

Thing is...

Thing is,

I think you should listen to your mum and Ernie,

and weigh the whole thing up.

Don't you mind being on your own all the time?

Eric seems to be under the impression that you're going down to London with them.

Somebody's got to pay the rent, and I'd get more skivvying down there than up here.

-Oh, right.

-You don't mind too much, do you?

No, course I don't mind.

It's not forever, just until they get set up, like.

I don't mind.

What? What is it?

Sometimes I think it might be nice if you did.

All right,

I do mind.

I'm begging you not to go.

Now, will that stop you?

No, not really.

Well, there you are, then.

There you are.

You going to spit it out, lad?

-You wouldn't listen.

-You're a performer.

-A born performer.

-It isn't about performing, it's about Dad.

What about Dad?

I think you take advantage.

I think he's dead easy-going, and you take advantage.

Oh. Do you?

Well, it's a bit more complicated than that.

Well, how?

I thought you knew about double acts.

What?

It's just a bit more complicated.

Let's leave it at that, shall we?

Next!

Strewth!

Name?

Morecambe and Wise.

PIANO INTRO: "BY THE LIGHT OF THE SILVERY MOON"

-# By the light...

-Not the dark, but the light.

# Of the silvery moon

Not the sun, but the moon.

-# I want to spoon...

-He's going to spoon.

# To my honey I'll croon love's tune

-# Honeymoon...

-He's going on a honeymoon.

# Keep a-shining in June

# Your silvery beams will bring love's dreams

# We'll be cuddling soon

-# By the silvery moon...

-Get off!

-# By the light...

-Not the dark, but the light.

-# Of the silvery moon...

-Not the sun, but the m...

-You're booked.

-Thank you.

Thank you. Oh!

SLINKY, JAZZY MUSIC

Got a cigarette, darling?

Er... yeah.

How about a light?

Yeah. There you go.

-What's her name again?

-I don't know, I call her the five of spades.

-Morecambe and Wise!

-We're on.

Hello, music lovers!

Feel free to applaud one-handed, gentlemen.

If you don't laugh, then we might be forced to take our clothes off. Then you'd laugh, believe me.

SOLITARY LAUGHTER

-Was that a laugh?

-I don't know, I've forgotten what they sound like.

-Strike it up, fellas.

INTRO TO "BY THE LIGHT OF THE SILVERY MOON"

-# By the light...

-Not the dark, but the light.

-# Of the silvery moon...

-Not the sun, but the moon. What was that?

-# I want to spoon...

-Pardon?

# To my honey I'll croon love's tune

-# Honeymoon...

-He's going on a honeymoon.

-# Keep a-shining in June...

-January, February, March, forget it.

# Your silvery beams will bring love's dreams

# We'll be cuddling soon

-Not me, you won't.

-# By the silvery moon

Get off me!

-# By the light...

-Not the dark, but the light.

# Of the silvery moon

Not the sun, but the moon.

-# I want to spoon...

-He's going to spoon somebody.

# To my honey I'll croon love's tune

# Honeymoon

-What are you doing?

-Having a little dance.

This is my solo!

What was that?

# We'll be cuddling soon

# By the silvery moon

-What's this bit?

-The ballet bit.

-Oh, right.

# Honeymoon

-Honeymoon, you've said that.

-# Keep a-shining in June...

Very good.

# Your silvery beams will bring love's dreams

-# We'll be cuddling soon...

-What you doing?

# By the silvery moon

# By the silvery moon

# By the silvery moon

# By the silvery... #

Moon! Ha-hey!

-The girls don't come out this way.

-No, no, no.

It was you, you I wanted to see.

Oh, that's a worry.

Gordon Noval. Theatrical agent.

I can make sure you never play dumps like this again.

-Keep them closed.

-I don't like surprises.

Hey, come on, that's no way to talk about your only child.

You can open them now.

-Ham and eggs? What's this in aid of?

-I found Ernie's wallet and managed to open it with a crowbar.

-We've landed a tour.

-Number two circuit. £25 a week.

-£25 a week? When do we start?

-We didn't mean you.

We meant us.

You've done your bit, Mrs B.

Yes. We've got a proper manager now, Mum.

You can go home, put your feet up. And here's your ticket. Ernie, give the lady her ticket.

First class!

First class.

Watch that you tip the stage doorkeeper,

he'll see your laundry gets done, now I'm not there to do it.

Always trust your own material. You know better than any other beggar what works and what doesn't.

Now... you take care of him.

And you, you take care of him.

OK.

Don't let him get his hands on the money.

HE CHUCKLES

Say hello to Dad for me. And thanks, Mum. Thanks for everything you've done.

Don't forget to work hard. Take a leaf out of Ernie's book. Push, push, push.

Don't go all sentimental on me, Mum.

Eh? You're never too big to clout, even if I do need a ladder to reach you. Hang on.

-You've got a bit of breakfast on your chin.

-People are looking!

-Yeah, well.

People always will look, you've got that kind of a face.

Bye, Mum.

I'll say hello to Dad for you.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Ohh!

Morecambe and Wise.

You're on the top floor. And don't piss in the sink.

'I remember my wedding day like it was yesterday.'

'Do you? You know what an awful day yesterday was.'

-'It was a very emotional day.'

-'Was it?'

'Even the wedding cake was in tears.'

Morecambe and Wise.

Ninepence deposit for the plug.

You get it back at the end of t'week.

Ernie?

'Come on, Eric. Put down your urn.'

'You're short, and I don't like your hair.'

'You know what I meant.'

-'Oh, the urn?!'

-'Yes.'

-'You meant the urn.'

-'Why didn't you say that? I'll put it down, then.'

-'Put it down.'

Morecambe and Wise. Ernie, show the gentleman our plug.

One and three if you break it.

Pay him now, Ernie. We might have a party.

You can't see the join, you know. Very good.

He's got a lovely wife, as well.

-Can you see a policeman around here?

-No.

-OK. Stick 'em down!

-Surely, you mean stick 'em up?

Don't confuse me! Just give me your watch.

What do you want that for? Look, it's worthless. Its only value is sentimental.

Well, give it to me anyway, I feel like a good cry.

Ardwick Hippodrome.

Lovely acoustics there.

TRAIN WHISTLES

-'Tell me about her brother.'

-'He lived with me, and I told him,

-'you can treat my house as if it were your own.'

-'And did he?'

-'Yes, he sold it this morning.'

-'Where did you meet her?'

-'Who?'

'Your wife.'

'Oh, the wife. At a dance. She was the prettiest thing on the ballroom floor.

'I can see her now, lying there.'

-Tell me about your father.

-He's a very shy man, my father. Very shy indeed.

-Is he?

-Oh, yes. In fact, if he hadn't been so shy, I'd be two years older.

-Ooh!

-Hey, this is all right, isn't it?

-It's no more than we deserve.

-Oh, look, it's Arthur.

-"The World in his Harmonica."

Second on the bill, eh? Knockout.

Hey! Stage door's round the back.

We're Morecambe and Wise.

English comedians?

Morecambe and Wise, stars of radio.

We sing, we dance.

Can you duck?

-What shall we do today?

-Get off!

-Let's toss a coin.

-Heads, we'll go to the dog racing, tails, we'll go to the football.

-Go now!

Go on, get off!

You know, Eric, you should get away from it all, go somewhere exciting.

-Spain.

-Spain?

-HECKLER: I'll pay your bleedin' fare.

-You'd make a fantastic bullfighter.

-HECKLER: You make a bloody terrible comedian.

LAUGHTER

SLOW HANDCLAP

HECKLER: Go on, get away!

Tough crowd tonight.

-They're just toying with you tonight, lads.

-Oh.

What if we start with a slap?

A bit of violence might win them over.

-What do you think?

-I think I'm in love.

Joan Bartlett? No chance.

-Former Miss Margate.

-Future Mrs Morecambe.

They've asked us to do an extra five minutes.

'Oh, that's good. They must like you.'

-Not really. Des O'Connor fainted on stage.

-Best he's ever gone down.

-It's left a gap in the bill.

-Phoof. It's not going to be easy.

-It's taken you ten years to get ten minutes.

-That's what I said.

What sort of song?

-If we sing it too slow, we give them a chance to heckle.

-Ask them to join him on the song.

-That way they can't heckle.

-That's a good idea. What sort of song?

What was that thing? Remember Eric did that da-ba-da ba-baa, ba-ba da-bab baa?

-What was that? Woody Woodpecker.

-What do you think, Eric?

-Eric.

-Eric?

That's a coincidence.

I'm Joan.

-Do you like time-wasters, Joan?

-Not really.

Good. Will you do me the honour of marrying me?

-I don't know you.

-Well, that's probably for the best. Are you going to say yes?

-I've got a better reply.

-Oh, I see.

Fat chance.

Oh.

What did I tell you? Not a hope.

-So, what we doing?

-A song. Can't you ever pay attention?

Oh, a song. Good idea. What song?

CATCALLING

Poor Arthur.

He must have tripped over Des O'Connor.

MUSIC: Woody Woodpecker theme

# Ha-ha-ha-ha haa Ha-ha-ha-ha haa

# It's the Woody Woodpecker Song

# Ha-ha-ha-ha haa Ha-ha-ha-ha haa

# He's pecking his... #

Hold it, hold it, fellas.

Hold it... What are you doing?

The Woody Woodpecker Song. I'm going to be a star.

You can't do it on your own.

-Can't I?

-No. You need backing.

Are you ready?

# Ha-ha-ha-ha haa Ha-ha-ha-ha haa

# That's the Woody Woodpecker Song

# Ha-ha-ha-ha haa Ha-ha-ha-ha haa

# He's a-pecking it all day long

# He pecks a few holes in a tree to see if a red... #

Hold it, hold it, hold it a second. Stop waving that. Stop it, will you?

-What now?

-Listen.

I'm just doing the "Ha-ha-ha-ha haa".

Well, of course, that's the most important part, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen?

Keep going, before they remember they hate us.

In fact, it's so important, I'm going to ask the ladies and gentlemen to help you.

A-one, two, three...

# Ha-ha-ha-ha haa Ha-ha-ha-ha ha-Ow!

# That's the Woody Woodpecker Song

# Ha-ha-ha-ha ha-Ow! Ha-ha-ha-ha ha-Ow!

# He's pecking it all day long... #

ERNIE SIGHS

You hear that? Silence.

They're starting to like you.

WOLF WHISTLING FROM AUDIENCE

Hello, Eric. I wasn't expecting you, was I?

Hiya, Mum. This is Joan, my fiancee.

You'd better come in.

I'm just going to get some cigarettes.

-You don't smoke.

-Yes, he does.

There you are, that's two new things you've found out already.

-How long have you been courting?

-Six months.

I was dancing up at Glasgow Empire.

A dancer! Oh...

So...

I see.

-So, are you in the family way?

-No!

-Not marrying him for his looks and he's hopeless with money.

-I'm marrying him

-because he's as daft as a brush.

-Who's going to be in charge of the money?

-Don't say him, because you'll be in the poorhouse in a month.

-He wants me to handle the money.

-Not that he'll ever make any.

-Well, they've got the summer season.

Summer season, where?

Blackpool.

-Didn't Eric mention it?

-No.

No, he didn't.

And if Ernie's plans for television pay off, you never know.

I might have to have two purses.

Yes...you might.

-Did she pass?

-Never mind. How come I'm the last to know television's sniffing around?

George, go and open the...

Three steps up to the front door.

-Oh, don't do yourself a mischief with the electrics.

-I'll try not to.

It's a right size, isn't it?

Perhaps we need a bigger set, with them being a double act.

Very funny. They'll be giving you your own series next.

Yeah.

What are you doing? Nobody's died.

-You don't get the benefit unless the lights are down. It's been given out, it's bad for your eyes.

-Oh.

-Right.

-Right.

Do you think this is it?

Look at us, eh?

Look at us, at BBC Television.

We've come a long way.

You've come a lot further, with only having little legs.

-Ernie.

-Eric.

-Eric and Ernie.

-Pleased to meet you again.

-Mr Waldman.

-Call me Ronnie.

If you like.

We've had Tom Vesty writing for you. He writes for Monkhouse and done a bit for Jewel and Warris.

We don't need writers, we have our own material - right here.

I love your live act, but what you need to know is the BBC is funded by the public,

so there are one or two guidelines on what is and isn't acceptable.

No jokes about effeminacy.

No references to honeymoon couples and ladies' underwear.

-No innuendo...

-Let's have a look.

-..or allusions to animal habits and marital infidelity.

-Ah.

What writers have you got?

-This is Nigel, meet Eric.

-Ernie.

-And Eric.

-When I'm not Ernie.

Nigel's a rising star here at the BBC.

Problem number one, you're Northern.

Northern comedy just doesn't play on television.

What if we stood on the south side of the stage, do you think that might help?

I'll leave you chaps to it. Call me if you need anything.

-Right, shall we have a read?

-Well, we can, but shouldn't we be getting on with the rehearsal?

-OK, I'll be Gloria.

-They can't touch you for it.

No?

Let's crack on, shall we?

The scene is Transylvania. A small bar, with barmaid.

Are you doing it now? Is that you doing it?

Small bar with a barmaid.

What do you think of Nigel?

Well, let's just say it's a good job he's not paid to be funny.

Well, he must know his stuff, otherwise he wouldn't be working at the BBC, would he?

Yeah, he's confident enough.

The material, what do you think?

Well, it's all right, but not really us, though, is it?

You've hit the nail right on the head there.

-Do you think we should say something?

-Can't do any harm, can it?

Right, let's have a look at this.

Nigel...

..Eric and I were talking over lunch and we feel we've moved away from

material like this. We talk to each other on stage more.

-Not just gags and wordplay.

-That's another concern, actually, Ernie -

-you talking to the audience about Eric.

-Well, that's our act, that's how it works.

On television, it will come across as...well, smug. Not what we want at all.

-But that's what get the laughs, isn't it, Eric?

-On stage, yes.

I'm telling you now,

it won't work on television.

Well, it worked pretty well on the radio, didn't it, Eric?

Let's see how it goes this afternoon, shall we?

Ta. So, big night for you tonight, Mrs Bartholomew?

Well, they've done very well, yes.

I've a lovely piece of finny haddock put aside, if you're interested?

Just the shrimps, thank you.

We're not letting it go to our heads.

Am I doing under the chairs?

-And under the rug.

-They're not going to be looking under the rug, are they?

George, your son is going to be on the television. Try and rise to the occasion.

So you'll make your entrances here.

For the Transylvania sketch, the bar will be stage right.

Where will the cameras be, like, tonight?

-The cameras will be where they are now.

-Between us and the audience?

Can we get a milk crate for Ernie?

They see you on the monitors, in front of the stage.

Gentlemen, gentlemen. Trust me.

It works.

Now, come on. Let's crack on. Lots of work to do.

All right, bring that in.

What about that, is that all right?

Hello. We're not too late, are we?

No, Edna. There's an hour yet.

Oh, good. Come on, Vernon.

At least we'll get a good seat, eh?

Here we are.

Oh...we're not the first, then?

Shift yourself, George, get it switched on. Let the valves warm up.

-Looking forward to this.

-Look at the size of that.

-And what a lovely spread.

-Woman's Realm.

"Home entertaining, without the strain."

Here at the Shepherd's Bush Empire, we have three cameras for transmission.

Up, that's it, up, up, up.

Come on, up you go.

That's it. Yeah... Oh, go on.

Yeah, up. Try up. Up, yeah.

Edna, gherkin?

Yeah.

Yeah. Try higher, higher. Yeah.

-Ready?

-Get on with it, George.

Bang on, that, George. Any clearer, we'd be there.

TV dinner, they call this in America.

Well, dinner, at any rate.

Who moved? Somebody moved.

LAUGHTER

True story, that. You can ask any of them, yeah, they're all brothers.

I can hear laughter, that's a good sign.

Billy Crackers, best warm-up man in the business.

Now, you madam, on the fourth row, this camera here is going to be

close up on you as the titles roll, so try and look excited.

Oh, I bet you wish you'd put your teeth in now, don't you, missus?

Oh, no, keep your mouth shut!

'For the forecast, then, to the North it's going to

'be rather longer before any really good weather'

begins to come through. The depression centre moving across there will spread

an almost completely cloudy belt right across the country.

When I do this, I want you to laugh.

And when I do this, I want you to really laugh. And when I do this,

it means the onion in my cheese sandwich is repeating on me.

LAUGHTER

-His material's better than ours.

-That's what I've been trying to tell you.

He's good, isn't he?

All right, Lillywhite?

All right, Jifflearse?

Now then, ladies and gentlemen.

Morecambe and Wise are Running Wild.

INTRODUCTORY PROGRAMME MUSIC

APPLAUSE

Hello, ladies and gentleman, good evening and welcome to the show,

-live from the famous Shepherd's Bush Empire.

-Ho, yes.

And we hope you enjoy our special guests, Ray Buckingham and Miss Alma Cogan.

But first, our first guests of the evening, Four In Accord.

So far, so good, Sadie.

They remembered their words.

Mmm.

Putting a couple of big chickens on now, I mean, sorry, cape ons.

Ooh, you're on my wire.

Vot brings you to our 'umble village of Vasaria?

We're from BBC Television. Yes, Eurovision.

-Eurovision?

-You're a vision yourself.

You did well locked up in that case for three hours, you can pat yourself on the back.

I could kiss myself on the back. Next time, you travel in it.

I would, but I've got this fear of being locked up. the doctor calls it a complex.

The magistrate calls it six months.

Well, where do we go from here?

We've got to get some money. We haven't even got our bus fare.

Let's get a taxi.

POLITE APPLAUSE

-That Alma Cogan can hold a tune, can't she?

-Oh, yes.

Still...lovely set, though, isn't it?

Nice, clear picture.

'It will be followed by the latest film of events and happenings at home and abroad.'

-Well, that's the first one under our belts.

-Mmm.

You've got to feel sorry for the lads.

Perhaps nerves got the better of them.

They were nervous before the stage - never came out with that rubbish.

-Look, Sadie, I know you're upset.

-Upset? I'm bloody furious.

They should be ashamed of themselves. Timing, out. Crosstalk, out.

Material - they know bad material when they see it. They've done enough over the years.

And they looked like two frightened...

camels.

-Camels?

-You know what I mean.

Not really my cup of tea, I must admit.

Give them a chance to warm up. There's five more shows to go yet.

You ARE sure about this?

We're dying on national television every week. We don't have any choice.

-What's this?

-It's a cheque, we thought it was fair.

We're not doing the rest of the series. We're giving you your money back.

-Well, this is a first.

-It is, indeed.

I've never seen the inside of Ernie's wallet, either!

Now, bugger off and go and work on the rest of your series.

I've got Dickie Henderson waiting for me.

You're both first-rate TV material.

Now, go and prove it!

-How do you feel?

-Like an oyster at low tide.

Well, at least this is the last one, eh?

We should have said to Nigel we can't tell the difference between Southern humour and not funny.

-"Should have said." But you didn't, did you, not at the time?

-What?

Did you back me up when I was trying to get the scripts changed? No.

Did you come up with any ideas? No.

You just sat at home, waiting for me to sort it out.

Eh, come on, come on, we don't want to be falling out.

-When this is done, we'll go straight into panto and forget all about it.

-There is no panto.

-Sheffield Hippodrome, with Ugo Garrido.

-They've pulled the booking! They've gone with Mike and Bernie.

What, since when? Nobody told me.

Nobody told you, because you can never be bothered to phone our agent!

It's always down to me, like everything else.

Ern... Ernie.

TRADITIONAL SING-A-LONG GERMAN FOLK SONG PLAYS ON STAGE

What are you thinking?

-How do you know I'm thinking anything?

-Your lips were moving.

I'm just thinking...

go easy on the lad, all right?

-George?

-Mmm.

When all's said and done, I am his mother.

Mmm.

Hello. Hello.

What are you playing at? I can't show my face outside the house,

I think we'll have to move! Come through, Joan.

I told you time and time again to trust your own material.

And what do you do the moment my back's turned?

-You forget everything!

-Hiya, Mum(!)

-Do you mind? This is my hiding place.

-Can I borrow your bike?

Where are you planning on going?

-Anywhere they don't have televisions.

-You could try Barrow-in-Furness.

You'll soon be back, people will forget.

They won't forget this.

Here...read that.

"Definition of a TV - the box they buried Morecambe and Wise in last night."

-You read it?

-I did. And do you know what I think?

There's nothing harder to find than yesterday's paper.

-The daft thing is, I didn't even want to be a performer in the first place.

-Don't come that one.

I should have stayed here.

-I should have worked for the gas board, like you, I'd have been just as happy.

-No, you wouldn't.

It's a dead-end job.

You're not cut out for a dead-end job.

Nobody is, not really.

You are.

Mr Happy-Go-Lucky. Everyone says so.

Oh, "everyone says so"? Well...

..it must be true, then.

Shouldn't you at least call him?

Let him call me.

That isn't going to happen, is it?

Eric never calls you.

Exactly.

-How long are you going to keep this up, then?

-What?

This sulking malarkey.

You used to sulk when I made you wear that schoolboy outfit.

Up until it got you a big laugh.

Television isn't about dressing up as a schoolboy and singing, you know.

It isn't about being funny, if what you two do is anything to go by.

Don't go easy on me just because we're related, will you(?)

-I don't know how to soft-pedal - not in my nature.

-You don't have to tell me!

I'm hard on you because you and Ernie are better than that.

When I saw you on that television show, doing that tripe.

Biggest break, your chance, you forgot everything.

You and Ernie know what's funny.

You know what plays funny, you know what tells funny.

-You must have known deep down the material was not funny.

-What d'you want me to say?

You could start by telling me I'm right.

I'm sorry, if you feel we've let you down.

I'll get over it.

Will you?

I don't have much choice, do I?

Like you always said, it's what I'm best at.

You know what you need, don't you?

What the bloody hell are you doing?!

Finding them new material.

-I'll get Eric to drive me down to Ernie's tomorrow, bash their heads together.

-No, Sadie!

What do you mean, no? Push, push, push. It's what I do, that's what our Eric needs.

Maybe it's time you stopped pushing.

-Are you saying I pushed him into it?

-Nobody's saying that, Sadie.

You were right to push him, and I'm glad you did,

but what I'm saying is...

..he's got to do the pushing now.

He's got to go down to Ernie.

He's got to do it for himself. He's got to want to do it himself.

Well, beggar me.

-You don't put your foot down for 25 years of married life and when you finally do, you're wrong.

-Oh...

BIG BAND DANCE NUMBER PLAYS

ECHOING: Ernie?

Ernie.

Are you nervous, lad?

No.

KNOCKING

Hey-hey!

When do the rest of the Beverley Sisters arrive?

-Just keeping my eye in.

-Well, you'll need it, we've got a booking.

I rang our agent.

Well, wonders will never cease.

Where did you get it? Directory enquiries(?)

ERIC CHUCKLES

Is he in?

You know he is.

Is it cold in here?

No, just me?

"Directory enquiries." Very good, that!

I should write that down, use that for your solo slot.

What makes you think I'm going solo?

You were practising a solo dance routine.

It was like Jiminy Cricket on a hotplate.

I've had interest.

I'm not surprised, in those trousers.

So who are you playing, then? Grumpy or Sneezy?

-Come on, it's Ardwick Hippodrome. Not to be sniffed at.

-It's fourth on the bill.

We've not been fourth on the bill for ten years. I'm not doing it.

-Well, I can't do it on my own.

-Why not?

I haven't got my lollipop, for a start.

Oh, that's where it went.

# I'm not all there There's something missing... #

-Shall I tell you what really bothers me?

-Apart from your small change?

All double acts start out as mates, then they stop being mates, but carry on being a double act.

Well, I'm not having that.

I'd rather lose the act than my best mate.

-Do you mean my mum?

-Oh, very funny(!)

What if we make the act fun again?

What if we change the act? What if we put more of ourselves out there?

-What have we been doing for the past 13 years?!

-We've been a double act, but we've never been us.

That's what we should do. Nobody's got what we've got.

And I tell you what, if it doesn't work out, we call it a day and no hard feelings.

So, this new act...

..what would it be, how would it start?

-You'll be short and bad-tempered...

-Mmm.

-..and I'll be tall and lazy.

But we'll BOTH be idiots.

Fourth on the bill, eh?

That's the magic of television.

What went wrong with telly show, then, lads?

Scripts, cast, music, director, lighting.

Apart from that, it were great, eh?

Good luck, boys.

HARMONICA PLAYS

IN UNISON: Not now, Arthur.

HARMONICA TAILS OFF

-All right.

-All right.

Thank you, thank you!

You really are too kind.

What a great honour it must be for you to be here tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, hello, good evening and welcome to the show.

-Excuse me.

-What?!

-I'm Eric Morecambe's mother!

-I'm afraid I can't let you in without a ticket.

-I don't need a ticket, I'm his mother.

-How do I know that?

-Did you see their television show?

Do you think I'd own up to that if it wasn't true?

-Have we got a show for you tonight!

-Have we got a show for them?

-I'm going to give them my all!

-Do you think they'll notice?

I've had a tiny inkling lately.

So I've heard.

Ever since you were engaged to that contortionist.

-Well, she broke it off.

-I'm not surprised.

-What went wrong?

-She didn't take to my little foibles.

-Well, they take some getting used to.

I got married, you know.

-I didn't know you were married.

-Oh, it was a quiet wedding.

-Quiet wedding?

-I didn't go.

Well, where did you meet her?

-Who?

-Your wife!

Oh, the wife. I thought you meant her.

-Not her.

-I've never met her.

I've met her now. Hello, Mum, are you all right? Er...

-Oh, the wife.

-Yes!

I met her at a dance - prettiest thing on the ballroom floor.

I can see her now...lying there.

ENTHUSIASTIC LAUGHTER

-Tell me about the day you got engaged.

-Ah, I bought her an engagement ring.

It had five stones.

Not diamonds, just stones - five big bricks. She walked about, all on one side.

-Forgotten what she looked like. Ooh hoo hoo!

-What's the matter?

Oh, I just remembered!

My goodness, sir,

you don't look well.

-He's emaciated.

-Has he? Very bad for your eyesight, is that.

I tell you, there'll be trouble when they open the coffin and find him gone.

Let's just get on with it, shall we?

They don't want to hear this rubbish.

Didn't they read the poster before they bought tickets?

-They're here for high-class entertainment.

-All right, we'd better go.

Er, let's...just get on with it.

-Can I do the song first, though?

-Yes.

Strike it up, fellas.

Hold it! Hoooooold it!

LAUGHTER

When did you learn how to play?

I know it was today, but what time today?

Well, why don't you try rehearsing it on your own?

-Ern, that's a very good idea...

-I've seen enough.

-# You see a pair of loving eyes #

-Now start wiggling.

I've never...wiggled in front of anybody in my life.

-Well, it's time you made a start. Get a hold of yourself.

-I...

I'll smash your face in!

-I used to be a boxer.

-Were you any good?

-Well, put it this way,

I spent so much time on the canvas, they put handles on my trunks.

They used to sell advertising space on the soles of my feet.

-What do you think of it so far?

-Rubbish!

-Oh!

-Shall we go?

THEY LAUGH

APPLAUSE

# When you feel down

# Try positive thinking That's what I told them and said

# Don't wear a frown Try positive thinking

# Laugh at your troubles instead

# You've got to look on the bright side

# On hope, so much depends

# With your confidence sinking Positive thinking

# Helps you on the way, my friend... #

Thanks for waiting.

# When things look black Try positive thinking

# Treat every season as spring No glancing back

# Try positive thinking

# Trust what tomorrow may bring This crazy world that we live in

# Will keep on spinning round

# But with good, strong positive thinking

# We'll get together and life won't let us

Dow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w

# Dow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-n #

-I wish I could sing like that, don't you?

-Yeah, I do.