Hattie

This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.

# Oh, the good life... #

COUPLE ARGUE

# Full of fun

# Seems to be the ideal

PHONE RINGS

# Mm, the good life

# Let's you hide... #

WOMAN: Don't you dare come back!

-MAN:

-Fine!

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

Hello.

Oh, I'm not on set, I'm so sorry. I've had, um...

Do you think you could send a car for me?

My...driver seems to have...um...

..gone.

'It's on its way.'

Thank you so much.

# ..To be free and explore the unknown

-CHILDREN:

-You'll never catch me.

-I'm gonna catch you.

CHILDREN CHATTER

You found it! Clever darling.

-Can I squirt it on?

-I'll squirt it.

-Squirt. Squirt?

-An outrageous slur!

-No!

SNIFFS

Oh, dear.

That...isn't Yardley.

Bugger, bugger, bugger!

Let's pray it isn't what it smells like.

Ohh! Bugger!

I forgot to turn it down!

Oh, John, didn't you smell it?

Do you know, I rather think I did.

You are sacked as my assistant...again.

Is Christmas ruined, Mum?

No more than usual.

Right, first to the top is emperor of the world.

Ooh, you cheaters!

Hey, Kim!

CHATTER

Bruce! Don't worry,

-I'm not here for the rent.

-Boys...

-Hello, Bruce.

Oh! We're a bird down.

Oh, dear! Tragedy, bun?

Turkey-tastrophe, darling.

Is there enough, do you think, boys?

I don't know.

-Well, say yes, to reassure me.

-Yes.

Loaves and fishes, love. Loaves and fishes.

CHATTER

Robin, could you answer the door?

Sprouts, as good as possible.

Carrots, done.

We await your command.

OK. Peas.

And that's us, we're set.

Ready, Eddie?

Go, Flo! (LAUGHS)

-Am I late?

-No, darling, we're not even a little bit drunk yet.

-Sweetheart, take Joanie's coat upstairs.

-Oh, thank you.

Do you want a hand?

Ooh!

Don't tell anyone about the secret ingredient.

Any more slosh?

Ah.

John Le Mesurier, my husband.

Oh, but of course, you've met, haven't you?

Joan, isn't it? Charming name. Lovely to have you here and merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

-Er...

-Ah, there you go.

Ah, very kind of you.

Are they getting restless?

Do you want me to tell one of my queasy-making stories?

No, thank you. I think we're ready.

I don't know how I could have managed without you. You've saved my life.

I know. He's a dear, isn't he?

This is for you.

-Merry Christmas, one and all.

-ALL: Merry Christmas.

Now, this is Joan.

ALL: Hello, Joanie.

And she's single. And you can talk to her about anything.

Oh, you all look so...

festive!

Er, I'd like to propose a toast, to dear Hattie.

ALL: Hattie...

-The Christmas fairy!

-ALL: The Christmas fairy.

-Ooh...

-Ooh!

No photos.

Oh, I say. How's the harness?

Luckily I'm not planning on having any more children.

SIGHS

99% for arms

at the Dean Sisters Academy of Ballet and Theatrical Dance.

You were robbed. Are you ready?

Oh, yes.

Right. Take it away.

COGS GRIND

Oh, it's like being back there.

Marvellous, Hat.

GIGGLES

CREAKING

Just a minute, Miss Jacques!

CREAKING AND CLUNKING

It's not budging.

-Can't take the weight, can it!

-LAUGHTER

John!

John?

# This isn't sometimes

# This is always... #

KNOCKS

Bruce? Are you awake?

-MAN: Who is it?

-Just a minute.

CLUNKING

I'm entertaining.

Oh. Oh...

Typical babysitter.

He's hiding under the bed.

Afraid of the police.

Right.

-Well, I'll leave you to it then.

-Night-night.

(Come out.)

Are you awake, chicken?

Do you want to get up with Mummy, have a naughty late night?

MUMBLES

# Love me or leave me

# And let me be lonely

# You won't believe me but I love you only

# I'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else... #

DOOR OPENS

You're still up.

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

Hey, what's the matter?

Nothing.

Just one of those days. Silly really.

Mm...

The flying winch broke.

I was left sort of dangling above the stage.

Oh, no!

Humiliating.

Oh, you poor thing.

Pretending to be a stupid great fairy!

You're a fine actress, Hattie. You don't have to do this rubbish.

I know my casting, John. I'm the silly, frigid, fat girl.

You're the nation's favourite silly, frigid, fat...

Oh, there was a call for you. Um, something about leukaemia, I'm not quite sure what.

There's a do.

They want me to be guest of honour.

Sorry.

Just being a drama queen.

No, no.

Do you need to do lines?

I'd like to help if I can.

You know I can't manage them without you.

-All right, so, job scene?

-Mm-hm.

I'll be Sid.

BELLOWING LAUGHTER

-You don't believe me, anyway.

-Course I believe you, Charlie.

You're not clever enough to think up an excuse that good.

-I'm only saying I'm sorry.

-Unreasonable of me to sit around here moping,

expecting you to take me out once a year, Charlie.

Blimey! I wouldn't say you're being unreasonable, Peg.

But you don't have to worry about me now, Charlie.

-I'm going to get a job.

-Amazingly, you've put in another couple of Charlies.

-She only says it every other fucking line!

-BOTH LAUGH

Get a job? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What can you do?

We'll have to see, won't we... BOTH: Charlie!

BOTH LAUGH

My star has plummeted, the public have deserted.

I don't know how I did that.

I've run these fundraisers for years and never...

It's an easy mistake, darling.

I'm organised. I was in the Pay Corps.

Well, everybody's misread March for April.

You've taken it in ever such good part. I'd be livid.

That's because I'm a much nicer person than you, Ron.

I've had to find a local volunteer to drive you home.

I'm sorry again. I'm mortified, Miss Jacques.

-Is he sober?

-I'm fairly sure he is.

Well, that's a start.

That's him. John Schofield.

Er, I'd better lock up. I'll, er, see you next month?

Yes.

Bye, Ron.

Let me guess...

Ron's fault?

Luckily, he's only a fundraiser for leukaemia.

He's not actually responsible for finding a cure.

I'm John.

I know who you are. Everybody does.

Are you all right here, or...

do you need to sit in the back like the Queen?

Oh, I'd need six months' notice to squeeze my behind in there.

ENGINE ROARS

You're not a getaway driver, are you?

Do all sorts. Sometimes do deliveries for dealers.

That's why I'm in this.

It's not yours?

-It's not stolen!

-Just borrowed?

So, Miss Jacques, why do you put yourself down?

I beg your pardon?

Ah, you did it when you were getting in the car.

I've seen you do it on the box.

I'm doing very well, thank you.

YOU are driving ME.

You don't need to do it.

You're...

-(SIGHS)

-Anyone can see you're lovely.

A proper lovely person.

-Oh, good.

-And you're beautiful.

I've got a nice face!

You're beautiful.

Sorry.

I don't know what it's like being well known.

Pain in the backside, I'm guessing.

Cheeky sods like me telling you stuff you don't wanna hear.

Oh, there are compensations. People are mostly very kind.

And I get to do evenings like this.

-Charity?

-Yes.

Why do you bother?

Because I want to.

I want to give something back.

-What...

-All right, I do it for purely selfish reasons.

I'm completely selfish. Happy?

-It's not what I was saying.

-Well, why do you do it then,

driving a complete stranger home at such short notice? What's in it for you?

My boy had leukaemia.

Oh, Christ!

I'm so sorry.

When? How is he now?

No, no, he, er...

He died.

-God, John, I'm so sorry.

-Yeah...

That is...

That's terrible and so wrong and...

You poor, poor man.

-I'm sorry, I've got to, er...

-Of course you have.

What was his name?

John.

Little John.

He was four.

When did he die?

Nearly a year ago.

I haven't...

No, I haven't dealt with it well.

-Who would?

-No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything.

-Don't be silly.

-It doesn't help anything!

I'm so sorry for that brief unscheduled stop.

-I shall now get you home.

-Yes.

Take me home, please.

Well, it was lovely to meet you, John, thank you very much.

-I'm perfectly fine from here, thank you.

-I know you are.

No, no.

PIANO PLAYS

Hello, darling.

Mix-up over dates.

Oh, no.

You know, I've just met the most extraordinary man.

Have you?

He drove me back.

His son died of leukaemia.

Oh, dear.

And he, um...

Why is he extraordinary?

He was, er...

I suppose I just felt sorry for him, all he'd been through.

Drink?

-I'm going to bed.

-It's barely nine.

Is it? I'm shattered. Is Bruce in?

Bruce!

Bruce? Are you up there?

SOBBING

-Oh, darling.

-No - onions.

(LAUGHING) Oh, Bruce!

Oh, Bruce.

You fade, but I have a true love of the dance.

Hm?

Ah!

What's going on?

-Tell me to grow up.

-You are grown up.

Tell me to be MORE grown up.

Hattie...

No.

No.

Goodnight.

So we're cutting the other lines?

Yes. It's just a "we're starting our business" set-up scene anyway.

But all we're left with is a load of leering.

-I mean, Esma hasn't even got a line.

-Oh, she's full of herself today.

Don't be the shop steward on my account,

I'm perfectly happy scuttling round.

OK. You're the boss.

Thank you for reminding everyone, Hattie. Positions, everyone.

And away we go. Action.

Right. May I see your legs, please?

You've got the job. Next, please, Flo.

You've got the job.

Cut! Great. Let's go again. Big close-up on the bust.

Hers or mine?

LAUGHTER

# Hey there

# You with the stars in your eyes... #

What are we having for tea?

There's, er, stew with... all sorts of delicious things.

I'm Carry On Cabby-ing every day except Tuesday when I'm doing Sykes

and Friday when I'm in the shop.

-Wednesday evening?

-Spastics.

Thursday?

-Radio recording.

-Oh.

And tonight... Tonight is leukaemia.

-Haven't you already done that?

-They got the wrong date, darling.

Ooh la la! Big guns ce soir.

Mm. Is that a compliment I hear?

Well, you do look very lovely, darling.

Well, thank you, my darling boys.

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be your driver.

Just a tick.

Evening, Miss Jacques.

Reg.

How are you?

Bit down if I'm honest.

Course you are.

You'll have to tell me all about it on the journey.

Definitely will, Miss Jacques.

SIGHS

Then you stop. OK.

And away we go...

Action!

Right, girls.

This is it.

I want you to get out there and grab all the business

from under their smug male noses.

I don't care how you do it -

within reason -

just get the fares in your cabs.

GIGGLES

In the back of the cab, dear, with you in the front!

Any questions?

Supposing a male passenger tries to start something?

Then use this!

-What's that?

-A starting handle.

And there's nothing better for stopping something.

Right. In your cabs, girls.

Well, here goes, Flo.

I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Cut! Great.

We haven't finished yet, Gerald, the scene goes on.

No point doing the whole scene without the other cars, darling.

Come on, there's other things to shoot while we're waiting. Onwards!

It's nice to have a job where I keep my top on! Even in this weather!

Jobs with clothes can't be knocked, dear.

Would've been nice to have had a line though.

I wonder why he dropped me from that scene?

The fewer the lines the better, isn't that right, Esma?

-Don't start, it's all right for you.

-I'm only teasing.

-Are you serious?

-Yes, I am.

I'm sick of this "batty old lady" shit.

And I'm sick of learning lines.

And I'm sick of resenting too few lines.

It's the digs, the directors, the auditions, the waiting...

not to mention the fucking public!

I won't have a word said against the fucking public!

She thinks I'm joking. This is the last job for me. I've had it.

I'm sorry, do you, um...

mind if I don't join you?

I'd forgotten he was coming.

He's a charity worker.

Just want to go through some dates with him.

Oh, we'll manage without you somehow, Mother Superior!

He's a bit of all right.

I'd do charity work if they were all like that!

You don't believe her, do you?

You're not the only one with a touch of strumpet in the eyes.

-You're surprisingly easy to find.

-And very difficult to miss!

Can you stop doing that... as a favour, to me?

Why would I do you any favours?

You know, I'm not really used to chasing women.

Hm.

-I'm not being...

-Big headed?

I just don't have to.

So, this is me being chased, is it?

No.

This is you being hunted.

# You stepped out of a cloud... #

I'm on your trail.

# And I will take you away

# Away from the crowd... #

There's no escape.

# And have you all to myself

# Alone and apart

# Out of a dream

# Safe in my heart... #

Thought I heard you.

-Noisy ice.

-As you're asking.

Thanks.

They offered me the part.

Congratulations. That's lovely.

I knew they would. Be strong. Say no.

What?

If you do another prissy, buttoned-up little clerk,

you'll be playing them till you die.

It's good money.

We've got plenty of money...I think.

Enough for you to say no.

Yes.

Yes, maybe you're right.

We spend too much time apart as it is.

At least the Carry Ons are local.

Let's only do work when it's worth it.

There's nothing else in the pipeline.

Good to feel...scared, bit shaky.

That's what you signed up for.

How was filming?

I've had...

an unusual day.

Really?

Yes, that's what's so wonderful about filming, isn't it?

It really is different every day.

Thank you for your advice.

As always, you really are so very wise.

Are you coming out?

I'm waiting.

Why did you buy me underwear?

I like taking it off.

LAUGHING I'm surprised you found any in my size!

Show me.

Don't act.

Just stand.

Stand?

Just...

Just stand.

# You stepped out of a dream

# You are too wonderful... #

Yeah...I'd like to take that off.

# Could there be eyes... #

Come on, hurry, people, this is in the cinema on Friday!

LAUGHTER

It's an interesting sort of life.

Profumo's having an interesting life, dirty bugger!

I imagine being an actor might be fun.

These arseholes see a woman can do one thing, that's all she ever does!

-I quite like this part.

-Well, you're not a hospital harridan and I'm not bonkers.

They're hardly stretching us, are they?

You'll always work.

-You work.

-Nah, bits and bobs, I shan't miss it.

-You would.

-I'm never gonna stop.

-Well, you won't have to. People like you.

-They like you.

Oh, stop it. I mean people.

You have a public, I haven't.

They'll stick with you, too...

unless you balls it up, like this dick!

You British never forgive people who like a lot of sex.

I'll treasure that.

Thank you.

-BOYS:

-But that's too small.

-Too small?

-Yes. Too small.

No, we need to make it bigger.

Bigger, bigger... OK.

CHILDREN CONTINUE CHATTERING

Hello, darling. That was a late one for you.

Yes.

John...

This is...

Oh, yes, your friend is here. He's with the boys in the garden.

What friend?

Er, a chap from the charity. Um...John.

I really should remember that name, shouldn't I? Yeah, he's a lovely chap.

-You can't do that!

-Yes! Go. Go quick.

Oh, oh, oh, outrageous! Foul!

That's a penalty.

-No, ref didn't see it.

-You're not the ref.

Course I am, Robin. Oldest is ref, who's oldest?

I am. Get in goal.

What? No, she can't be ref.

Yes, I can. Those goalposts are far too small, move them over.

-I'll just pick it up.

-Yes!

Oh, what?!

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

Oh, he's on the break! No-one can stop him.

Oh, what a terrible shot! No, go and get it.

-Robin, go and help Kim-bo.

-Yeah, go and help your brother.

-What are you doing?

-I came about that important thing.

They're nice lads.

Yes, thank you.

-Your bloke's all right too.

-I know.

So...

I've left my wife.

What did she say?

No, don't tell me.

-Did you mention me?

-No, there was no need.

It was dead in the water.

She knew it.

We're not a fling.

You're the most...

beautiful...

..sexy, funny...

brilliant...

I wanna touch you all the time.

You think I've got such a low opinion of myself

that telling me I'm beautiful will make me throw my life away.

Yes. Yes.

-I know what this is.

-So do I.

And I can't face a scandal.

I thought you might appreciate a little support.

-Oh, you're a gent, John.

-Darling!

Shouldn't you be going home now, John?

Cheers. I would, if I had one.

I'm staying at a mate's. Wife's kicked us out.

Oh, you must stay here. There's always somebody on the sofa. I insist.

That's, er...

Thanks. I really should say yes.

Then do. It's all right, isn't it, Hattie?

Absolutely.

But I won't. I've arranged to stay at a mate's, I don't wanna upset him.

Dad, Kim's found a fossil.

You're always welcome. ..Mm, a fossil?

Cheers.

Well, that's not actually a fossil, Kim.

MOUTHS

WOLF WHISTLE

Better luck next time...darling.

Cut!

Great. Lovely stuff.

Let's try it again without the line.

Please hurry up!

I'm meant to be on set in two minutes!

Ohhh! Ahhh! Ohhhhh!

And how was the party?

Cheap as the film.

Jolly enough apart from the vows not to do another one.

It's good to know they're there if you need them.

They'll go on as long as they make a few quid, I expect.

-Mm. Did you get the note?

-No.

Bruce is moving out.

-Oh, no!

-He's going to live with Clive.

The house will feel so empty.

Yeah...but might be quite nice to have the place to ourselves for a while.

Do you think?

We always have a lodger. So much more lively.

What about John?

-Who?

-Lovely John Schofield. You asked him before.

Oh, yeah, the wife trouble chappie.

-Yes.

-Yeah, he did seem awfully nice.

-Then again...

-What?

-Nothing. It's just...

-Do you think he'd fit in?

Oh, we're a doddle to live with.

And it might be good to have someone around for when you're filming.

Yes, might be quite useful.

Oh, I don't know.

No, just...just us for a while.

-Perhaps we should think about it.

-Yes.

Well, maybe we could have a trial period.

I'm sure Hattie would like to have been here,

but she really is awfully busy.

Yeah, I've heard that.

Well, as you can see, everything's here, I think.

Do you have to get up early?

Sometimes.

-And what is it you do?

-I'm an entrepreneur.

Mm?

-Businessman.

-Oh, really?

Well, I'll leave you to settle in.

I have to go out now, so do make yourself at home.

Cheers.

# I want a little sugar in my bowl

# I want a little sweetness down in my soul

# I could stand some lovin'

# Oh, so bad

# I feel so funny

# I feel so sad

# I wanna little steam on my clothes... #

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello. Who are you?

I'm John. I'm moving in.

Bruce. I'm moving out.

Ah.

Just...learning my way around...

Bruce.

You look like someone who knows his way around already...John.

# ..I want some sugar in my bowl. #

SHOUTING AND LAUGHTER

Be careful, boys, please.

Call that hiding? That's the first place the monster looks!

BOYS SHOUT AND GIGGLE

Oh, I'm starving.

What shall we cook?

I really wouldn't know. Hattie cooks.

-Oh, it's only making a bit of food, it's easy.

-I'm sure it is.

I'll pull up some veg...

Well, hello, you charming gentlemen.

My, my, my...

And before you chain me to one of my many cookers, darling...

Mm...

-Hello, John.

-All right.

Welcome to, um...

-Our home.

-Yes.

Welcome to 67.

And now you must excuse me.

I have work to do, souffles to construct.

Ah, top-up?

No, thanks, mate. Cheers.

Why are you sitting there?

I don't care where I sit.

Game of cards, anyone?

I spoke to Howard today.

He still hasn't found anyone for that conman, so I suggested you.

That's very sweet of you. But you don't have to suggest me for every part.

I don't.

I only suggest you for the ones you'd be good at, which is a lot.

Oh, thank you.

Do you think it's going to work out?

John?

Mm...

It was a bit spur of the...

What do you think?

-He's a nice chap...

-I mean, he's a shot of energy,

-that's got to be good for a home, hasn't it?

-Yeah, yes, yes.

But it's not seamless though, is it?

-He's good for the boys.

-Yes. I suppose he might be.

Oh, I don't know, it might be a mistake.

We said we'd see.

If you want him to go, then...

No. Trial period. New force. Bit of a...

-And all that.

-Hm.

Goodnight, Hattie.

Goodnight.

LIGHT SNORING

DOOR CREAKS

You're gonna be late.

-Bye, Mum.

-Bye, darling.

-Bye, Dad.

-Bye, Kim.

Mwah, love you.

-Bye, Dad.

-Bye, Robin.

-See you later, Kim-bo.

CHILDREN: Bye! DOOR SHUTS

Two eggs, John?

Hm?

Yeah. Lovely.

We might have to develop a system with so many Johns.

Any takers for Johnny?

Or we could always have exactly the same thing.

Do you think we have the same taste?

-In some things.

-Like what?

Eggs.

Hm.

There is that.

I won't hurt him.

Or the boys.

And I can't keep having sex above his head.

-Very good sex.

-Very good sex.

Exceptionally good sex.

Tell him it's run its course.

I can't.

I couldn't face life without him.

Sorry.

And I want the boys to need him.

-They prefer me.

-Don't crow.

He's theirs.

And he's my husband.

He's very dear, very...dear.

BOTH LAUGH

Just a little one.

-Ah...

-Thank you, darling.

-Thank you.

-My pleasure.

-So kind.

-Cheers, me dear.

-Cheers.

Mm...

Ah...

Too much gin?

Horse strength.

He always does something wrong so he won't be asked to do it again.

-Does that work?

-Pretty much.

When he was quite young, he realised he'd have an easier life

if he pretended to know fuck all about anything.

Clown.

Are you sleeping with him?

-Is it obvious?

-You haven't tried to pair ME off with him.

-And Bruce dropped a hint.

-Oh, naughty boy.

Does John know?

Doesn't really notice things like that.

He's pretty hard not to notice.

Oh, terrible mistake moving him in.

I thought it would contain things,

stop the press from sticking their noses in.

It's just mess ahead.

-Tell him to sling his hook.

-Who?

Me laddo.

Come clean to your old man.

It's only a bit of sex.

Marriages survive.

John's had lapses. We both have.

But this is utterly different.

I know this one's a dish, but so's John.

He's charming.

He's got lovely legs. And you're both in the biz too.

You get caught having it off with some bloke ten years

-younger than you, moving him in...

-They'll crucify me, I know.

It's not that I don't care, I do.

I have to work. I have to, but...

Oh, look.

Him?

With me?

You could have anyone you wanted.

He makes me reckless.

Everything else is irrelevant.

My work, my marriage, how I look.

I don't want to give him up.

I can't.

He's unstoppable in bed.

-You're giddy.

-I am.

I want to be forever.

Anyone for a top-up?

Oh, yes, please, darling. Just a little drop.

I've hardly touched it.

# Because

# If you break his heart

# Somebody's gonna come along... #

Shush!

-What?

-John's up.

Really?

John.

Oh, what are you doing up? Did I wake you?

Would you like a glass?

Mm.

Let's go back to bed.

Have a really wonderful time. They're lucky to have you.

A week seems a long time to be away for just a cough and a spit.

It's more than that. You'll make it more.

And so will they when they realise how witty you are.

Thank you.

I'll ring you.

Can't stand long goodbyes.

Your trial period starts now.

What do you want to do first?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

HE LAUGHS Oh... Stop it! Stop it! Get off me!

Oh...

Get off me!

This is it, girl.

Let's sort this now.

I forgot my book.

I wasn't trying to...

Of course you weren't.

Oh, John, I apologise, that must have been utterly miserable for you,

a terrible shock.

He's no fucking good, you know. He's going to hurt you.

-That's not your concern.

-I know what a remarkable woman you are. I don't think he does.

Oh, darling, I wouldn't do this to you for someone who didn't love me.

I wanted to tell you.

I just couldn't find the...

I've been such a coward.

I do understand that.

But the boys...

Our family, friends.

Our work. We're Hattie and John.

We fit rather well.

-I thought we did.

-We did... We do.

I haven't stopped loving you.

Oh, you poor thing.

I've made a hash, haven't I?

I don't want to leave you. I can't imagine not being your husband.

Please don't go.

I don't want you to go.

I want you to stay.

Thank you. I'll stay.

Obviously... I'm going now.

Yeah.

Let me fetch your book.

Well?

He forgot his book.

And...?

He doesn't want to leave.

Oh, can't he read the signs?!

I don't want him to leave either.

What?

Why?

Because I'm married to him.

If I threw him away, I could do the same to you, and I won't do it.

He's a lovely, clever man.

And I want to look after him.

Stay with him. For now, anyway.

All right. Let me have a word.

Am I a prick?

Er, that's really not for me to say.

-You treat me like one.

-Sorry, please explain, I don't understand what you're talking about.

Why won't you move out?

Er, because this is my home, and my wife and family live here.

And so does your wife's lover.

Where are your balls?

Well, they're not in my brain. Now, I know you're looking for some kind of a fight,

but I think it would be incredibly vulgar, don't you?

We're clearly going to be living in the same house,

-so we may as well try to rub along. Don't you agree?

-I'll never understand posh people.

Is this normal for you?

And I really would like to know how it ends.

You're not the first, you know. I've weathered the storm before.

Now, if you don't mind, I've a horror of being late.

Nothing's changed.

Yes, it has. He knows now.

He knew anyway.

-Let's try and live with it, please.

-Bollocks! You're as bad as him.

I wondered what you saw in him.

I know now.

You're the bloody same!

John, please...

# While I'm far away from you

# My baby, woo-oo

# I know it's hard for you, my baby Woo-oo

# Because it's hard for me my baby... #

PHONE RINGS

# ...And the darkest hour just before dawn... #

Hello?

No, I'm afraid he's away filming at the moment, can I take a m...

Hello?

I am not turning my life upside down for some...bolter,

some idiot who runs away at the first...

-How could you do that?!

-I didn't leave you.

Apparently I can't.

-Where've you been?

-I stayed at a mate's, I need to clear my brain.

I love you.

I accept the situation.

John can stay.

I'll be your little secret,

kept inside,

out of sight.

But I've got one condition.

Well, I think I've moved everything that's yours.

If I haven't,

bang on the floor...or something.

I'll let you settle in.

PIANO PLAYS

-How was filming?

-It was good enough.

This is going to work, isn't it?

If we all try jolly hard.

I really want it to.

So do I.

John is upstairs.

All right, boys, start again.

-Pass it to me.

-OK, here we go.

One car-rot...

-Eric's written a lovely script. Very funny.

-Oh, good. I'd like to read it.

-Four car-rot.

-So what is this game?

It's car-rot.

Now you say five car-rot.

Five carrot.

LAUGHS

Five car-rot.

-Car-rot.

-Yeah.

Pass it.

There we are.

Well, I don't think I'm a natural car-rot player.

I dunno, I thought you did pretty well.

Start again. All right, Kim-bo.

One car-rot.

Two car-rot.

Three car-rot.

-Four car-rot.

-Five car-rot.

-Six car-rot.

-Seven car-rot.

-Faster.

-Eight car-rot.

I hate seeing him so unhappy.

He's too vague to be unhappy.

Well, that's no help.

He seems the same as usual.

-What do you want me to say?

-I want you to say everything's going to be all right.

I'm fine with it, myself, but...

it is a bit perverted, isn't it?

Three of us in the same house!

-It's practical.

-I like him.

I don't wanna see him with an arsey face, but...

I want him to go.

Oh...

At some...distant point in the future.

-Everything's gonna be all right.

-Stop it.

No. No, no. Serious now. Look at me.

Look at me. I'm serious.

Everything... Every...

thing is gonna be all right.

(LAUGHING) Get off me.

# You've been acting different

# I've been told

# Soothe me I want some sugar in my bowl

# I want... #

(LAUGHING) No, no!

# ...Some steam on my clothes... #

LAUGHTER DOWNSTAIRS

GASPING AND MOANING

HATTIE: Oh, God!

Oh, oh, oh!

HATTIE PANTS

BANGING

Oh! Oh!

Morning. How did you sleep?

Like a child.

Morning, darling.

Huh, what's up with you, sulky-pants?

Nothing throws him. He's all right, aren't you, old chap?

Just pretending to be grumpy, are you?

Robin?!

No, he's fine.

It's nothing, I'm sure.

Oh, Eric, don't upset yourself, have supper, go along.

-STILTED:

-Well, we're as good as he is, I'll tell you that.

Ask Aunty Edith for my defence medal.

Oh, Eric! Tiddles, where are you?

Come on, Tiddles.

Eric, is Tiddles in there with you?

No.

We're having soup.

Ah... Why don't you do it? Keep your hand in.

-Oh, you're good, keep at it.

-No.

Well, it is my bag, as it were.

It's fine. Carry on, John.

That cat has to go.

Oh, but Eric, he's only a kitten.

I'm sorry, Hat, it's too much.

Tomorrow I'm going to find a good home for him.

But he's got a good home here.

In that case I'll find a good home for me.

Oh, Eric!

It's good.

There's nowhere else I'd rather be.

Good.

Dinner's ready.

BOTH LAUGH

It's my responsibility.

It's my fault.

-He seems the same to me.

-You cheer him up.

-Can't you take him out to a jazz club or something?

-He doesn't seem unhappy.

Oh. Caught him looking at the wedding photos the other day.

-Is that proof of mortal despair?

-It's very un-John.

He goes out, won't say where.

Drinking too much.

I saw him in the phone box the other day.

-Why can't he ring from home?

-Sounds like he's got a woman.

Well, he can ring her from here.

I'd like him to have one of those.

And she'd be very lucky.

He's worth having, he really is.

-Thank you, darling, that was delicious.

-A pleasure.

Are you going, Joan?

-Yes.

-It's wonderful to see you again.

Have you had a lovely evening?

Of course. How could I not with Hat?

Well, I hope to see you again soon.

Yes.

So do I.

Beautiful. Aw.

Why is John coming?

It's only a Sykes.

I don't know.

Why are you coming?

Oh, I haven't seen Eric for...

I just thought I would. Do you mind?

Are you driving?

As long as you both sit in the back...

and I get to wear a cap.

Ah, you're late!

-I have never been late for work in my life, young man.

-Come on.

What's that mean?

-What?

-The big stupid face?

Hello, Eric. Hello, Hattie.

How are you?

Let's have some lights, may we?

We have a big surprise,

because tonight, Hattie Jacques...

This Is Your Life.

You're kidding, of course?

I'm not kidding of course. Hidden away here tonight

are all sorts of lovely surprises. You come with me.

Now, there's nothing to worry about.

Walk this way.

Oh, Eamonn, they don't come duller than me!

You knew about this.

Mm?

You ba...

-Why didn't you tell me?

-It's not as if you can appear, is it?

-So what do I do?

I'm sure we can find you a dressing room to wait in. ..Hello, boys.

Just remember, it's a sham.

A big pile of poncey show-biz shite!

I'm her man, John.

I am. Me.

Yes, well, this is Hattie's working world, it means an awful lot to her

and I'm sure she'd appreciate it greatly if you didn't make a scene.

Hello, boys. Now, we've got to hide from Mummy, so quick, follow me.

APPLAUSE

Good evening and thank you.

Our programme this evening comes from the BBC Television Theatre in London.

Now, a half an hour ago, the foyer to this theatre was empty.

But we knew that two famous stars were going to

walk through this theatre on their way to a recording.

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the incomparable,

the wonderful Hattie Jacques.

APPLAUSE

A rather shaken Hattie Jacques, I might tell you.

And here to start our story,

one of the most eminent names in show business,

star of the small screen, who plays Hattie's identical twin brother,

Eric Sykes.

APPLAUSE

Hey!

Hey, who's your friend?

LAUGHTER

Thank you, Eric.

Your divisional director in the Red Cross Society,

who's here again to see you tonight, Miss Vivian Caplow.

Celebrated actor and Chairman of the Players' Theatre, Mr Leonard Sachs.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

You left a deep impression on a young actress playing opposite you,

-Shirley Eaton.

-APPLAUSE

Founder of London's Mermaid Theatre, Bernard Miles.

And in that year, 1950, you married well-known actor, John Le Mesurier.

So there's never a dull moment with Hattie?

No, there isn't, really.

I would, though... I would like to say that...

..I'm eternally grateful for the way she runs the home,

looks after the children...

looks after me.

Home comes first, I think I'm right in saying.

LAUGHTER

But, for someone who's so very busy all the time,

and so very much in the public eye all the time...

to do these things is very difficult...

..and a jolly neat trick.

Thank you, John Le Mesurier.

A jolly...neat...trick.

A jolly neat trick?

-Do shut up, John, you're beginning to be a bore.

-John?

What, me?

That was...

Oh, I felt such a fraud, such a...

I can't...

Oh, it was ghastly.

I did suspect you wouldn't like it. But I thought you wouldn't want to miss it, if you see what I mean.

-Did you know about it?

-No.

-There is no other woman, is there?

-Sorry?

All these secret phone calls, it's all been to do with this, hasn't it?

Yes.

I'd rather hoped you'd fallen in love.

There is no-one else.

Oh, John, what are we going to do with you?

I don't suspect you have to do anything.

Come on, let's go and get a drink.

CHUCKLING

It's hot, darling.

Cheers.

I've got it. I'll follow you through.

This is ready.

Ow. Ow!

Ah, come on. There we go.

Ooh, oh...

Thank you. Sprouts ready?

As they'll ever be.

Right, let's go, Supergirl.

Oh, it's so lovely to see you all.

Make room for Joanie.

What? The kitchen skivvy's allowed to eat with us?!

Oh, she is so much more than that.

Thanks, Hat.

In fact, if this is nasty, then it's all her fault.

Oh, despite what she says, the cook!

-Yes, the cook.

-Oh, bless you all.

Now tuck in and be jolly.

-Night-night, darling.

-Night-night.

-Sweet dreams.

Night, Mum.

And you waited all night to find that out?

Well, it seemed rude to ask her to unveil any earlier, but...

-you don't expect a moustache, do you?

-No! No.

Adventures in Greece?

Yes.

-He's impossible.

-Yes, he is.

Oh, I would have thought I was eminently possible.

Oh, I should go.

Oh, no, don't. Stay.

-No, it's late.

-I'll show you out.

-Bye, lovely.

-Joan...

-Thank you.

I'll see you soon.

-Well, goodbye, Joan.

-Bye, John.

-Lovely to see you again.

Lovely to see you. Thank you. See you soon.

Hm, that went well.

-You should grab that one.

-Really? Do you think so?

Mm. You'll never meet anyone as perfect for you.

-I thought I had.

-Grab her.

I wouldn't know how to go about it.

Well, let's make a plan then.

-No, no, you don't have to, please.

-Come on, sit down.

-Oh.

-I'll write it down and you follow my instructions.

This is completely unnecessary.

Mm-hm.

First step, number one.

-Feel her up?

-I'll pencil that in at 5 or 6, shall I?

Number one is invite her to dinner.

-What, just like that?

-Yes.

In fact, number one is ring her up.

Number two is invite her out to dinner during conversation.

-What shall we talk about?

-Just be charming. You can do that without my writing it down.

I can't do anything without you.

Oh, John.

DOOR SHUTS

Did you walk Jennifer to her car?

Yeah.

I'll see you in bed.

Number three - buy her a huge bunch of flowers.

Where was she parked?

Heathrow?!

Don't start.

What was I supposed to think?

That's starting.

This is such a bird's room.

There's a man here now.

We should redecorate.

Whatever you want.

We'd never be mates...

me and you.

It's all or nothing.

That scares me.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Ah...

You don't have to knock.

Well... Um, I thought you might like to know, the plan worked.

And you won't believe this, but...I've made a decision.

That's marvellous news.

I'm so pleased for both of you.

Joan has found me a place.

Calls for a drink.

BOYS CHATTER

-BOYS:

-So, who's gonna bat first?

-I'm batting first, I've got the bat.

Boys...

-Boys.

-Come and sit down.

Um, we've got something to tell you.

We're going to have to ask you both to be very grown-up.

Mummy and Daddy...

are going to get a divorce.

You know what that is, don't you?

Daddy's going to move out into a flat of his own.

It's very near. Only two Tube stops.

Will John still live here?

Yes.

I've got you both...

...penknives.

I thought you're such big boys now, you'd know how to treat them carefully.

Don't you love each other any more?

Oh, yes. Always.

Very, very much.

-There's a wine merchant's.

-And they do deliveries.

And he can eat here some nights.

-And I'll cook too.

-He won't starve.

Or be lonely.

I do worry about him.

I know. You don't have to.

Your job now.

No, I didn't mean that. I meant there's nothing to worry about.

Everything will be fine.

Will you be?

I'm ready.

And someone will employ me, eventually.

I hope.

Boys want to say goodnight.

It's what I want.

-The public will no doubt despise me...

-No, Hattie.

..but it is what I want.

All right?

Fuck off!

I'm the Count of Monte Cristo.

A secret hidden in the castle.

Don't worry, I haven't read it.

You're not a bit of rough.

-That's what it's gonna look like in the divorce court.

-Yes.

You'll be all right though, won't you?

Why wouldn't I be?

I'm Eric Sykes's sister, I don't have sex!

SHE SIGHS

When the divorce is filed,

I'll be the adulterer and you'll be the fancy man.

They'll never forgive me and they'll hate you.

I'll be hated for you.

I'll be Mr Jacques.

I'll be anything.

I'm your man.

Yes, you are...my man.

DOORBELL RINGS

So what do you think?

I don't know what to say.

Just say yes.

You'll be the scarlet woman.

Only to the press. To the court I'll be "the guilty party".

I wanted to be the scarlet woman!

No-one need ever know about you and John.

It's so...

generous of you.

-Actually, it was the solicitor's idea.

-Mm.

What do you think?

It's your decision.

Yes. You decide.

..Been through this for quite some time.

-All the relevant documents will be forwarded to me in due course?

-Yes.

Thank you. Well, thank you very much for making it as painless as it was.

Hm...that went rather well, don't you think?

Yeah. It's a good divorce.

I heard one reporter say, "Course, she had to be a thin bird!"

-Joan...

-Stop it.

I'm eternally grateful.

It's official. I steal husbands.

Typical thin bird!

Our home is your home.

Really. I want to see you both all the time.

I love you both so much.

MAN: John!

-Oh, they're still out there.

-We'll go first.

Thank you.

Whatever for?

For ending our lovely marriage so beautifully.

Goodbye, my love.

I'll see you soon, Hattie.

PRESS SHOUT

-I don't feel like I deserve this.

-Well, maybe you don't.

-I suppose I should go first.

-Thank you.

I'll get the car.

PRESS CLAMOUR

# Your baby loves you now

# So don't make him blue now

# You'd better start being true now

# I'm telling you why

# Because

# If you break his heart

# Somebody's gonna come along and cheer

# Steal him away from you

# Somebody like me. #