Holy Flying Circus

This programme contains very strong language.

Shalam.

That's a bit controversial, isn't it?

HE FARTS LOUDLY

Holy (BLEEP) Circus.

MUSIC: Theme from Monty Python's Flying Circus: "The Liberty Bell" by JP Sousa

HEAVENLY CHOIR: # Amen. #

I'll sit over here.

-Hello, Graham.

-Johnny.

Barry.

-So what did you think?

-Of the rough cut?

Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

-Loved it.

-I think it might be the best thing we've done.

-Oh, easily.

By miles. Now I've spoken to Chris who's head of North America

and we'd like to open it first in the States.

-Aw Terrific. Really terrific.

-So what's the thinking?

The First Amendment guarantees the right to freedom of speech.

Plus it's a melting pot, there's all kinds of different religions out there. And it's Hollywood.

And Chris reckons you're ready to play with the big boys now.

Jolly good.

I love Americans.

Here in New York City Monty Python's Life of Brian had its world premiere

and Americans have come from far and wide to see it.

Not to watch the film, but to protest against it.

I'm going to ask them why.

This film is disgusting. Enough with the stereotypes.

It's not funny. How is this funny?

Life Of Brian is an evil film.

And Monty Python is an evil man.

I would like to say it's morally repugnant.

And also, kill the blacks.

I agree with him.

Except the bit about killing black people. Obviously, that's not cool.

That went well.

I knew it. Americans. Total idiots.

-Waste of space.

-Wasn't all bad.

I got this lovely jacket.

-Yes. Very nice.

-We won't have the same problems here though, right?

Protests? Here? Oh, no, I wouldn't think so no.

Because the Great British Public, they aren't quick to judge or completely close-minded?

Oh, no, sorry. They ARE quick to judge

-and massively closed-minded.

-Not the queers.

-Apart from the queers.

Right, here are the press cuttings and early box office breakdowns.

Listen to this. This is from Variety.

-Rabbi Hecht says the film, quote, 'could result in violence'.

-Oh, yes.

Copycat crucifixions. I hadn't thought of that.

That is a worry, isn't it? Cretin.

I mean, they've been out of favour for two thousand years but suddenly all the kids will be doing it.

"Hey, Johnny, want to come out for a kick-about?"

"No, no, no. Me and Gary thought we'd nail his brother to a tree."

I think the Rabbi meant violent protest. As in violence against us.

Right. Well, that wasn't clear.

-It sort of was.

-Wasn't.

-Was.

-Wasn't.

-Really was.

-Really wasn't.

He goes on to say the movie was produced in Hell.

Oh, I love that.

Could we have a scene where we show some Christians killing some babies?

Oh, yeah, funny. That is funny. I like that.

-Jesus having sex with Judas?

-Good. Offensive. Put that in.

Maybe a scene where Jesus is on the cross and gets quite turned on

and ejaculates over everyone?

Oh, that is sick. That's... you've gone way too far.

That crosses a fucking line.

Oh, crap!

So, while you're all in the same room, gents,

I just need you to sign these release forms for distribution in France.

-Oh, so we're getting released in France?

-Yeah.

Have you seen French films? It's all picnics and incest.

You can't shock that lot.

And what about here?

There's no need to worry.

Well, I wasn't going to worry

but now you've said there's no need to worry I'm thinking I might worry.

You're not getting cold feet, are you, Barry?

No, course not.

All I'm saying is, you know, let's not project it on to the side of Westminster Abbey

or start selling Life of Brian Christmas crackers.

Have you seen Monty Python's Life of Brian Christmas crackers?

-Knock knock.

-Who's there?

-No-one.

We're all alone in a godless universe.

ALL LAUGH

Monty Python's Life of Brian Christmas crackers.

Fun for all the family. As long as you're not Christian, easily offended or expecting good jokes.

Hee-hee-hee-hee!

So...

it's all going OK here so far?

Yes, there's been the odd article, nothing too bad.

Mind you, we haven't opened yet.

If it wasn't going well,

if things got bad...

would you be OK?

-Even if all the religious leaders in the world denounce you, I'll be there for you.

-Thank you.

Until we die. When I'll go to heaven and you'll be in hell.

-That's nice.

-Oh, I'm joking!

-It's a joke.

-It's not a very funny joke.

Terry would have found it funny.

Terry's got a terrific sense of humour.

-Can I have a cuddle?

-Oh, of course you can.

Oh, God, gently love!

Sorry... (HIGH-PITCHED) Sorry!

-I just came from Wildlife...

-Shall we begin?

Right! Listen up. I'm in charge.

This is the office for Friday Night, Saturday Morning?

-Yes.

-Good. Well, listen up.

I know you were all expecting to be working with Trevor

and I'm sure you were terribly saddened by his sudden death

but I'm in charge now and he's history. Moving on.

Point two. That was point one.

Point two. I don't care what you think you were doing before.

You're not doing that now. You, what did you think you were doing?

-A chat show?

-Wrong!

Chat shows are bullshit.

I don't want to make a chat show.

People chatting? Uh-uh. Boring. People talking? Now you're talking.

-I'm not sure I follow.

-I want this show to be about where Britain's at today.

The Sixties were all free love, anything goes.

The Seventies were No Sex Please, We're British and everything's a downer.

But we're about to head in to a new decade.

What will the Britain of the future be like? Will it be prim?

-Or full of quim?

-Oh, dear God.

-You, bring me a chair.

-So, how are you going to do all that on what will essentially be something quite like a chat show?

-OK.

Random example.

-We have a homeless guy.

-What?

Hear me out, big man. We have a homeless guy on the same show as the Queen.

-Oh, right...Really?

-No, it's just an example. I'm showing you what's possible.

I'm reaching into your tiny mind and opening the doors of the TARDIS.

It's a police box. Whoosh! No it's not, it's Narnia. You!

I want you to build me a set that looks like I've dropped acid in Hawaii. Oh yeah.

I'm out there. It'll be like when Dylan went electric.

That's what's happening, so boo me, beardy, or get on board.

-Sorry, who are you?

-Well, I'm Alan Dick.

-I'm the new BBC Head of Talk.

-So... I'm confused. It's my first day.

Do I answer to you, or do I work for the producer, Iain Johnstone?

-You answer to me.

-Oh.

-Oh. Brilliant. Isn't it?

All these 'orrible bags...I dunno.

Oh!

This is a bit of script from Life of Brian.

This looks like it might be quite offensive.

I should pass this on to someone who might find it even more offensive.

-All right, Desmond. The usual, is it?

-Yes, please, Keith.

And a pint of mild, thanks.

ARSE, BALLS, PRICK, SHIT!

No problem.

-There's your pint of lager.

-Keep the change.

-Cheers. Grand.

Sam tells me you've got news on the Life of Brian.

Prepare to be blown away...

I'M NOT QUEER!

Where did you get hold of this?

-A man found out it out walking his dog.

-You didn't steal it did you?

No. A man really did find it while out walking his dog. WANKER!

-Is it real?

-I DID IT WITH STENCILS!

-I didn't.

-I've got a friend who is a comedy writer and a committed Christian.

-Really?

-It's odd, isn't it? Anyway I'll show him this and if he can verify it's 100% genuine

-we can get the ball rolling.

-BALLS!

Sorry.

Well, I suppose congratulations are in order. Well done, Desmond. Cheers.

SCROTUMS! Cheers! BANJO FUCKER!

The bad language. Is it, is it...are you...?

The doctor suggested seeing a therapist.

A bit American, isn't it?

-YANK ME! It is a bit.

-Of course, the irony is a few hundred years ago

someone like me would probably have someone like you burnt at the stake for being possessed by demons.

That's not very nice.

BELL-END!

What about this?

We get Harold Wilson.

Harold Wilson the former Prime Minister?

-OK. I can work with that.

-Yeah. Harold Wilson.

And a bin man. Ask them the same question -

-why is this country such a mess?

-But the bin men are on strike?

You're right.

Shit idea. Fuck it, bin it... it's gone, it's history. Moving on.

You! Any ideas? Too slow. Forget it.

-Yes?

-I didn't say anything.

What about Life of Brian?

-Did you see that news report about the US opening?

-Ah, yes,

now, good, because Iain suggested...

OK, for the UK premiere we get the Pythons versus...

the Pope.

The Pope? The actual Pope?

Try the Pope. Aim high. Start there and work your way down.

How about bishops?

Bishops. Fantastic. I love bishops.

I can just imagine it.

-What have the Christians ever given us?

-Well...

a moral code, charity, good works, inspiration, counter-veiling,

an oppositional force against the evils of capitalism.

Yeah, apart from that, what have the Christians ever given us?

-Christian names?

-Very useful.

Yeah, obviously Christian names.

Apart from that, what have the Christian ever given us?

-Hot cross buns?

-Yes, I can see it now.

It'll be like one of their sketches. Hilarious.

Do you want it to be funny? Or do you want it to be a proper debate?

I want it to be a proper debate. That is also funny. And moving.

And edgy.

And I want it to win a BAFTA.

-I see.

-I'm serious. This could be the greatest TV show ever made. Who else have you got for that night?

-Paul Jones and Norris McWhirter.

-Maybe not.

So who's heard about Sue Lawley?

Now you've had a letter off the BBC asking if you want go on Friday Night, Saturday Morning

-to do a debate on Brian with some religious types.

-Is there any money in it?

-No.

-Oh.

I don't want to do anything for the BBC any more.

I got so bored and fed up on Flying Circus of them wanting us to rework our scripts.

Telling us we could only have three shits or a bugger.

Ridiculous rule.

Who came up with that, anyway?

That was the BBC's Head of Rude Words.

Lovely chap.

Used to get terribly embarrassed though.

So, this is the list of words the sample group said they found the most offensive.

Cunt.

So sorry.

-Motherfucker.

-Is that two words?

-I think it's just the one.

-Right.

Then comes 'fuck'.

Good old fuck.

Ahem. No? Sorry.

Moving on. Cocksucker.

Shit. We are now over the worst.

Bastard.

Tits.

-Winky woo.

-Maybe you could just give me the list?

-Good idea.

I could have done that in the first place. Saved this whole...

scene.

-So do we have a decision on the show? What do you think?

-Fine by me. I'm happy to plug the film.

No. Absolutely not. I forbid it.

-Why?

-Because.

-Because what?

-No.

-Do you want to elaborate on that position?

We don't need to explain ourselves. It's all in the film.

I've got to tell them something, I know you've got to do

your little vote thing so shall we just skip to that?

All those in favour of boycotting say, "Fuck Auntie Beeb!". F...

Right.

-We're all on Mike's side, are we?

-ALL: Yes.

-Why?

Because he is The Nicest Man In The World?

-Pretty much.

-Yup.

-Do you want to change your mind, John?

-No.

-All right, so you're not unanimous, are you?

No.

And we have to be unanimous. Thus, I win.

-Does that make you happy, love?

-No.

OK, I've had it verified.

-It's as real as the Turin Shroud.

-That is b-b-b-b...

-BOLLOCKS!

-Brilliant? Yes, I know!

And if this is the route that Python are taking, then who knows

-what else could be in the film?

-TITS!

Probably. Now. I've given it some thought.

And what we don't want is to give them free publicity

or turn them into martyrs. So I'm suggesting a back-door approach.

-GAYLORD!

-W-w-w-w-w...

What's the plan? Well, we lobby the BBFC and urge them

to think of the consequences of allowing the film to be shown.

Oh, you know w-w-what else we could do?

W-W-W-We could ask people to pray,

You know, just let God sort it out.

-Yes.

-Could do.

Let's not rely on that though.

-OK, everyone. Let's get out there and spread the word.

-MARMITE!

They turn the crucifixion into a song-and-dance number.

-They ridicule the Sermon on the Mount.

-You see Jesus's willy.

Apparently, if you watch the film backwards it implies

Jesus made the healthy sick and went round blinding people.

I heard they burn a puppy in the belly of a giant wicker kitten.

-Why?

-Exactly.

That's fucked up.

-But what if we have over-stepped the mark?

-Hey, come on.

We all knew Mary Whitehouse and the Festival of Light weren't going to like it. You worry too much.

I can't help it. I do. Why is that?

Why do you worry about what other people think? Gee, I don't know.

Maybe it's because you're the Nicest Man in the World.

That's ridiculous. Excuse me, miss.

-You dropped this.

-Thank you.

John just likes saying that as a dig.

-You see?

-What? Morning, Bill.

Get yourself some lunch.

-You're constantly doing nice things.

-I really don't think that's true.

You're also self-deprecating about it.

I'm no more self-deprecating than the next man.

You're even self-deprecating about being self-deprecating.

-Oh, great!

-What?

I've trodden in some dog poop.

Oh, Terry, I'm sorry, that was probably my fault for distracting you. Have a tissue.

-It hasn't even come out yet.

-Sells papers.

It's hardly fair reporting, is it?

I'm not in the business of fair reporting, I'm in the business of selling papers.

I notice you haven't made fun of the Muslims.

-Why would we make fun of the Muslims?

-Why not?

Are you afraid of them?

It's 1979. No-one in this country knows anything about Islam.

-No-one's read the Koran. Have you read the Koran?

-Yes.

-Have you?

-No.

-No.

And do you know why?

-Doesn't sell papers.

-Because this is a Christian country

with a Christian heritage. And we are brought up within a Christian framework.

OK. Imagine it's the future and there are two and a half million Muslims living in Britain.

Would you make a film about them then?

No! That would still only be four percent of the population.

Assuming, of course, the population had risen to, let's say, 61½ million.

And I would still doubt, given the general decline in standards

of education that your average Briton would have read the Koran.

-That's just a cop out.

-No it isn't.

Christianity stands as a metaphor for all organised religions and the abuse they're open to.

You're just scared of reprisals.

Scared of reprisals? Scared of...

Hello. John Cleese here. Sorry to interrupt.

Just wanted to point out that this a fictional representation of me

based loosely on my Basil Fawlty persona.

Oh, please, Mr Fawlty!

You breaking my head!

In real life, I'm a lovely man.

Oh, a dolly, thank you, that is so nice.

So there you have it. Just to reiterate, John Cleese...

in real life, absolutely tremendous chap.

Thanks for listening.

KITTEN MEWS

Yes, I'm very well. Hang on a moment, please.

Miiiichaaaael!

Miiiichaaaael! It's your mum for you.

Hello, Mum!

"Michael, have you seen the news?"

-"About all these protests?"

-Yes, Mum.

-"I'm really worried, Michael.

"I'm worried sick. I can't tell you how worried I am.

"It's so worrying."

-DOORBELL

-"Oh, that's the door, I've got to go."

HANGS UP Bye then, Mum.

-I want the Pythons!

-We've asked them already and they said no.

Oh, all right, so what? We just give up?

No. This is Friday Night, Saturday Morning.

I'm not here to make bland TV, I want to make something memorable.

I want people to come in to work the next day and talk about the show as they stand around the...

water jug.

I want a water jug moment. I'm creating water jug television.

-What?

-What if people don't have a water jug?

-And the next day is a Saturday.

-Most people don't work Saturdays.

-Shut up! I want the Pythons,

so get me the bloody Pythons.

Barbara Dixon is available.

The Two Ronnies don't need her this week.

Good.

Barbara Dixon is the closest thing this country has to a true star. And she's totty.

Very classy totty.

So Barry here has asked me to outline a defence if a religious group

tries to get the film banned for being blasphemous.

But before I do that... can I just say,

Huge fan.

Moving on, the basis of the case we would make in that eventuality is that

Brian and Jesus are two different people

and that Jesus appears as a separate character in the film.

So that's a robust defence, is it?

-You're confident that will work?

-No. It's a bit of a punt, to be honest,

But let's hope it works!

I don't want to be the man who sent the Pythons to prison!

Right. Yes. And that's it, is it?

Fingers crossed? Touch wood?

-Say a prayer?

-Afraid so.

And I hate to say this...

because I am a fan...but you did sort of bring this on yourselves.

-I beg your pardon?

-Well, the blasphemy laws remained unused for about 60 years.

But about two years ago a poem was published in Gay News...

which I believe Graham here was instrumental in setting up.

Well, I am gay. I like news. And it's very good for film reviews.

Fuck the film reviews, what was the poem about?

It was a poem about a Roman soldier sticking things into Jesus's

-stigmata while he was on the cross and becoming aroused by that.

-What?

Who the fuck would write a poem about a soldier sticking his knob in a crucified man's spear wounds?

-I've had an idea for a poem.

-Is it about wound fucking?

-Yeah.

-Sounds good. I'm writing a novel about a dysfunctional family in a Northern mining town.

-Really?

No, I'm kidding. It's actually about a really hot guy who likes to jizz over guys in a burns unit.

-Oh, my God. That sounds amazing.

-It's actually very moving.

-Mary Whitehouse didn't like the poem.

-No shit.

And the upshot was she prosecuted Gay News.

-And that reactivated the blasphemy laws.

-And you lot knew about this?

Oh, yes, they contributed to the Gay News fighting fund -

which is a principled stand I really admired.

Big fan of that.

Although, wearing my QC's hat, or wig,

I would say it was unhelpful.

Or, to put it in the words of my nine-year-old grandson, 'Jo-ey!'.

No.

I thought that would be quite funny.

Whoa, epic fail.

Dear BBC,

the Joey Deacon reference in Holy Flying Circus is inexcusable.

The story is set in 1979

and Mr Deacon did not appear on Blue Peter until 1981

therefore, a nine-year-old would be unlikely to be aware of his existence

unless you're implying he was a relative or neighbour WHICH I DOUBT.

Also, the sub-Python self-referential

quasi-avant garde posturing bullshit sucks arse.

Big...hairy...nana...arse.

Come in!

Yeah, I want a three-part series about canals.

a documentary about Scandinavian jazz and some old footage of a barge.

That's all we'll be showing for the next six months.

We've had a complaint.

Oh...oh...

Do you know what I like about BBC Four?

Nobody gives a fuck.

D'you like to dance, Lowry?

Dance for me, Lowry.

HEAVY HIP-HOP Come on!

Hi, you're here about Life of Brian?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Barry Atkins. I'm representing the film.

-Andrew Thorogood.

I'm here protesting about the film.

-Oh. This is John.

-Yes, I know who he is.

-I'm Michael.

-I know who you are.

So. Should we duke it out right here?

I don't like conflict. Just here to register our feelings.

-So, what's the damage, Jim?

-We're giving it a double A.

A double A?! On what grounds? In what way is that film suitable for a 14-year-old?

-There's no sex...

-There are buttocks.

-There's no violence.

-People are crucified.

-And there's no C word.

-What about the B word?

-Bastard or bugger?

-Blasphemy.

This could undermine a 14-year-old's faith in Christianity.

In our view, it's just a bunch of silly jokes. Very good ones, though.

-Thanks very much.

-Good? Bloody brilliant.

I see. In that case, I shall have to take this up with a higher authority.

Who's that then, God?

No. The council.

-Could you sign these for me?

-Certainly. It would be a pleasure.

What did he mean about the council?

The BBFC is only advisory.

Local councils can have the final say over what films are shown.

And they can reclassify films if they don't like our rating.

-You're kidding?

-I kid you not.

Right, OK.

The BBFC have given it a double A.

Oh, that is a sh-sh-sh...

SHITBUCKET!

Sh-Shame. So, what now?

We write to local councils asking them to ban Life of Brian.

# DAN-DAN-DAAAN!

-Or reclassify it as an X.

-ECZEMA!

-Maybe if the B-B-B-B-B-B-B...

B-B-B-B-B...

Maybe if they think it's OK, m-m-maybe it is OK.

They make fun of the Lord and you think that's OK, do you, Gareth?

-N-n-n-n...

-Good. That's the end of the discussion.

-Yes, b-b-b-b...

-That's quite all right.

No need to apologise.

CUNT!

Some councils are definitely going to ask for an X certificate.

So my question to you all is this - are you happy to take an X certificate

-and at least get the film seen by some people?

-ALL: No.

They show it with the BBFC certificate or they don't get to show it at all.

We can't give in to censorship.

-So you'd rather censor yourselves?

-Yes.

-It's half logical, half silly.

-Out of interest, how much revenue will we lose?

-Fifty percent? Maybe more.

All those in favour of refusing the X certificate say Eric is a money-grabbing bastard.

-ALL:

-Eric is a money-grabbing bastard.

-Eric is a money-grabbing bastard.

-All right. I'll let Doug know.

I know various churches are writing to their members to ask them to put pressure on councils for a boycott.

Let's just hope our politicians to do the right thing and don't act out of cowardly self-interest.

# Soldiers of Christ, arise

FRONT BOTTOM!

# And put your armour on

# ..His eternal son

# Strong in the Lord of hosts

# And in his mighty power...

P-P-P-Power...

SINGING FIZZLES OUT

Oh, shit.

Hello.

I thought you didn't like conflict.

We are merely peacefully protesting.

Exercising our right to free speech.

Right. Thank you so much. Piss off.

DOORBELL

You expecting anyone?

No.

Hello. Can I talk to you about Life of Brian?

Yes, but can I talk to YOU about Life of Brian?

-Great...What?

-No, never mind.

-We'd like you to sign our petition to help get Life of Brian banned.

-I don't think it should be banned.

-We believe it's evil and should be banned.

-Would you like to come in and discuss it?

No! Nothing to discuss, it's blasphemous and it should be banned. Can you sign our petition?

Can you explain to me why it should be banned?

Look, you're wasting my time.

I have other people to talk to who want to sign my petition.

Don't you think it's worth talking over? Maybe you can persuade me to sign?

Maybe I'll persuade you why people shouldn't sign?

Are you trying to brainwash me?

No, I just want to have a conversation with you.

There's no conversation to be had.

-Do you want to sign my petition?

-No.

-Why not?

-I'm not convinced the film should be banned.

-Why not?

-Did you write it?

-Er, yes.

Oh, I see.

You're one of them.

-It's not Invasion of the Bodysnatchers.

-Deny it if you can - you're one of them.

-Why would I deny it? I just told you.

-You can't. You can't deny it.

-I don't want to deny it!

-You see!

-I do see, because I told you.

-You're one of them.

-God, are we still on this? Yes, I am one of them.

So will you sign my petition or not?

-No.

-Why not?

-Oh...

We want to have a debate about the Life of Brian.

Well, that sounds tremendous.

And we wondered if you, the People's Church of St Sophia, would like to come on the show?

Us?

On the show? I don't think that's a good idea.

-Why not?

-Well, I can't.

I don't like conflict.

What about you two?

N-N-N-N-N-N...

-That's a no.

-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y

Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y...

That's a yes. As in yes, it's a no. He has a stammer.

And you, Desmond? Would you like to come on the show?

Come on! Speak up!

I had no idea he was going to say that. Really, I had no idea.

I've had that Friday Night, Saturday Morning on the phone again.

Want to know if you've changed your minds.

The exact words were "being as it's all gone tits up".

No, there's no point. Everyone's mind up their minds already. You can't persuade anyone.

-I think we should.

-You said no before!

-No, I didn't.

-Yes, you did!

No, I didn't. Well, you said yes.

-So, I've changed my mind.

-Oh, so you're just being contrary.

No, I'm not.

I'm really not.

I think we can persuade people.

We are intelligent men.

Well, you might struggle with your flabby Oxford minds.

No danger of that with our sharper Cambridge intellects.

And I, for one, think it's vital we exercise our right to free speech to defend free speech.

No. Everyone's entrenched. It's utterly futile.

Fuck! We can't have spunked it.

There must be something we can do. Try their agent again.

-Not going to happen.

-All right.

We ring Ken, get the Nine o'clock News to pump up the story even bigger

-so they have to defend themselves.

-You can't do that.

-Or we send them death threats.

-That's not very nice.

-Someone will do it.

-I'm sure they will.

-All right we send them a shit in the post.

-What?

-Something to rile them... stir them into action.

-No, I don't want to do that.

-Shh.

-No, Ian said...

-Shh.

-Don't tell me to...

-Shh.

-But I...

-SHHH!

And what did the police say?

They said, "Can you think of anyone who might want to send you faeces?"

-What did you say to that?

-I said, "Yes. Jesus. Anyone who likes Jesus.

"Businessmen, philosophers, upper class twits, Australians, women, TV presenters, Alan Whicker,

"The Beatles, Yorkshiremen, anyone who works in the production or marketing of Spam, men who say,

"'Nudge nudge', knights who say Ni!' and anyone who doesn't like jokes about ocelots.

-"You know, Officer. The usual."

-What did you actually say?

I said, "Have you tried Derek 'So Mad He Shits In A Box' McNee at Number 24?"

-What did you actually say?

-I said no. Happy now?

I said, "No, I do not know anyone who hates me enough to send me poo in the post,

-apart from the other Pythons.

-What did they say?

They said, "Nothing we can do, I'm afraid,

-"unless someone threatens you or attacks you."

-Oh, for fuck's sake! And they can't trace it?

No, to be fair to them it's not like there was a trail of shit

leading out the door to a man trying to do up his trousers.

And they can't do anything forensic?

No, each shit is not unique. They're not fingerprints.

Some of them can be quite swirly.

Yes,

but we cannot identify people from their shit.

Shits do not look like their owners. Which is lucky, because

otherwise we'd have old ladies standing round lavatories cooing, "Ooh, it's the spit of you."

Hello, Barry. Have you heard about Eric's shit in a box?

Oh, right, you've had one too? Yeah, we've had some here.

Now while I've got you all here, I've been told in the light of the current situation,

I need to ask you all to make wills.

It's just shit, Barry. I think the worst that can happen is we go blind, isn't it?

-Yeah, we've had death threats...

-What?

-It's just jokes for fuck's sake.

What happened to sticks and stones may break my bones but names can never hurt me?

I told you! What did I say!

The great British Public are fucking bastards.

It's a bit apocalyptic, isn't it? A third part of the sea became blood

and people didst shit into a box and threaten to kill thy comedy performers for no good reason.

Look, do you want to back down?

We could withdraw the film like Kubrick did with Clockwork Orange?

All right, don't answer that now.

Maybe just go away, have a think about it, talk to your families.

All those in favour of maintaining our zero-tolerance stance to censorship say Mrs Niggerbaiter.

ALL: Mrs Niggerbaiter.

You seem worried.

-How can you tell?

-Well, you're pacing, which you don't normally do.

And you're smoking, which you don't normally do.

Well, I admit I am worried.

You can't take it personally. How can I not take it personally?

They're burning an effigy of me in my own garden.

They're just weird.

Close the window, darling. It smells of burning you.

This is ridiculous. How did this get so out of hand?

I think it's because you made that film making fun of their religion.

Maybe I should go on Friday Night, Saturday Morning? Would that help?

Don't ask me, darling, I'm just a pretty face.

What if it just makes things worse? Just fans the flames?

Sorry! We set fire to your tree. ­

Oh, for God's sake.

Can I just say...

it's been a tremendous honour for me to help prepare your wills.

As well as getting your signatures, I was wondering if I could also

get your autographs?

Wrong time?

Wrong time. Sorry.

Terry says you've had to make a will.

It's just a precaution, Mum, it's nothing to worry about.

No. Why would I worry about my son making fun of religion and being murdered by a fanatic?

No, I won't be losing any sleep over that one. Perfectly normal.

My friend Elaine... her son's just been stabbed for pulling a face at a Buddhist.

Happens all the time.

Honestly, mum. They've just done it to cover themselves.

Besides, if the protestors wanted to kill anyone it would probably be John. He's the annoying one.

Did you make a proper will?

Or have you promised to leave all your money to a penguin?

-And a rickshaw to a Spaniard?

-No, it's a proper will.

So it is a proper will. So I should be worried.

What are you trying to do, Michael?

Are you willy waving at Jesus?

Sh! Mum, we're in a restaurant.

-Why make fun of religion?

-We're not. And even if we were...

is that so bad?

Look how much you're upsetting people. You might think they're stupid people. Or priggish people.

But they're real people.

Why are their thoughts and feelings less important than yours?

Well, why are my feelings less important than theirs?

Oh... SHE TUTS

I just don't understand why you're doing this, Michael.

I want to understand.

I just don't.

MUSIC: "Death of a Clown" by The Kinks

I've changed my mind about the debate.

-I think we should do it.

-Why?

Because this is getting out of hand.

We've got an orchestrated campaign against us. We've been banned by 39 local councils.

We're only opening in one cinema. People who work for us are getting death threats

and there are people outside right now praying that we withdraw the film and renounce our sins.

-Renounce your sins!

-Go away!

You're sinister and intimidating!

ALL: We are not sinister or intimidating!

We are merely following you and watching you.

Like the Lord is watching you.

Always and forever.

I'M SPARTACUS!

­ WANKER!

We've got to stick up for ourselves. If we don't stand up for ourselves

who's going to stand up for all the other comedians who come after us?

We need to take a stand to allow funny men and women everywhere to

make jokes about murder and rape and projectile vomiting and handicapped kiddies and Mohammed in a bear suit

and I don't know, Olympic swimmers with faces like spoons.

-Mike's got a point.

-I agree. You should do it.

No. No way. Not at all, I'm out.

-Please, John. I know you love being contrary.

-No I don't.

But on this, can't you see? It's them we should be disagreeing with, not each other.

I think you should do it.

You and John.

And why us, pray tell?

Because you're good at shouting at people and being enormously sarcastic.

And Mike's the nicest man in the world. You're the perfect team.

I can't do it, because Christians and homosexuals can't be in the same room together.

We're their natural predators. Terry G can't do it because he's American

and I think deep down none of us like or trust Americans. No offence, Terry.

-Screw you, ass-monkey.

-Terry J can't do it because he'll just prattle on about the camera angles.

-And Eric won't do it because they won't pay him.

-Exactly.

So you two have to do it. All those in favour say Christ on a gondola.

ALL: Christ on a gondola.

Come on, John. You can shout at a man in a dress.

It'll be like doing the show again.

I thought you said there was no point,

that everyone had made up their mind.

I spoke to my mum. She said she doesn't understand why we've done it.

She wants to but she doesn't.

I think maybe there are other people like that out there.

-Is this about them, or about you and your mum?

-Oh, please, John.

I'm asking nicely.

Well, you would, wouldn't you?

Fine. Fine, no don't do it, I'll do it myself.

No, fine.

I can't let you have all the fun.

I'll do it.

Christ on a gondola.

Christ on a gondola.

Oh, sorry love.

Was Terry there tonight?

Yes.

I like Terry.

He's my favourite.

John's coming round tomorrow.

Homework. For the debate.

Are you sure it's a good idea to do that show?

Why?

Well, what if the debate doesn't go ok?

What if it makes things worse?

Then we'll move to Mexico and change our names.

I'll start a new life as Miguel Palinez and work as a guacamole inspector.

HE VOMITS

Don't expect me to go with you.

Hey. I thought you said even if all the religious leaders of the world denounced me you'd stick by me.

I just don't want to see you murdered by some religious maniac.

You put that away.

-What?

-We've got the Pythons! Cleese and Palin confirmed this morning!

YEEEEES! ONE-NIL! KEMPES!

Bloody brilliant!

Come here and give me a hug!

-I don't want to give you a hug, Alan.

-Come on, give me a hug!

So how did we do it?

I asked Iain. He knows them.

-I told you that.

-Iain...?

-Iain.

Iain Johnstone.

Never heard of him.

-So,...who's heard about Frank Bough?

-HE SNIGGERS

You know, sometimes I truly despise this country.

The descent into yobbery goes on unabated.

Do you know I just saw two teenagers spitting in the street?

Do you think they know that's how TB spreads? Of course they don't. Do they care?

No.

I blame the Tories. Things would be a lot different if the Lib Dems were in power, that's for sure.

The Lib Dems? There's no such thing as the Lib Dems.

-Don't you mean the Liberals?

-Shh.

So I've been doing a spot of homework.

Right. Crikey.

Someone's taking it all very seriously.

Any idea who we're up against?

Funny you should ask that.

-Not a clue.

-So who are we gonna put 'em up against?

-Well, I still think we can still get a couple of bishops.

-Two bishops? No. Way too dry.

About as dry as a dry roasted peanut up a dead nun's noo-noo.

No, we need a comedy type person on.

-You know there are comedy people who are Christian.

-Really?

I know. Weird, isn't it?

What about Malcolm Muggeridge?

Malcolm Muggeridge? The hard-drinking, chain-smoking, womanising Malcolm Muggeridge?

Yeah. The hard-drinking, chain-smoking, womanising, BORN-AGAIN Malcolm Muggeridge.

It says here he's famously contrary.

His maxim is, 'only dead fish swim with the stream'.

Great. Whatever happens, he'll be dynamite TV.

Are you sure you want this guy on the show?

Yes. He'll bring gravitas.

HE FARTS

Look. He used to do comedy. Now he does religion.

And he likes to go on TV and say shit he knows will wind people up.

He could only be better if he had tits like Cleo Rocos and did the splits like Nadia Comaneci.

But what if... I'm ignoring that last bit...

what if he ends up siding with the Pythons? According to this he was in a similar situation once.

There was some big outcry about an article he wrote.

What the hell were you thinking?

-Have you read it?

-I don't need to read it, Malcolm,

it's called, "Does England Really Need A Queen?"

You might as well have called it, "I Think It's Acceptable To Masturbate Into Marmalade".

-What the bloody hell were you thinking, man?

-Fuss over nothing.

I said pretty much the same thing in another piece about two years ago.

That's as maybe but no-one complained about that one.

They are complaining about this one because they find it offensive, and quite rightly so.

How can it possibly be offensive? It's only a thought.

-I hear Beaverbrook's cancelling your contract.

-Apparently.

I'm sorry to hear that, Malcolm, but you've brought this on yourself.

We have to let you go. It's the BBC, for God's sake, we've got certain standards.

-No hard feelings?

-Towards you?

Not at all.

Good. Come on.

-I've shagged his wife.

-Who? Marjorie?

No, Olivia.

That's MY wife.

Oh, then I've shagged YOUR wife.

Sorry about that. Lovely woman though.

Makes a wonderful breakfast.

Maybe he'll side with the Pythons.

Maybe not. That's the beauty of it.

The guy's totally unpredictable.

He's a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a...shit.

Maybe he'll argue with the Pythons AND the Bishop and we've got a three-way fist fight. Love it.

Post me my Bafta.

OK. I'm the bishop.

-Right.

-Why have you deliberately set out to offend people of faith?

Well, Bishop, it wasn't our intention to deliberately offend Christians or to be blasphemous.

-I totally disagree with that.

-Sorry, is this you in character or are you talking as you?

I'm talking as me.

Talk to Graham about it. Ask him what he thinks.

He's not that keen on Christians because they're not that keen on homosexuals.

I don't think we intended to be offensive just for the sake of it.

There's nothing wrong with being offensive.

It's part of life.

If you get offended, so what?

In a way, it's a good thing.

It tells you you're still alive at least.

Why can't I say things to offend you?

Why can't I say I don't like your hair?

Or your wife looks like a man and makes fucking awful soup. What's the worst that can happen?

-Hello, John.

-Oh, hello.

-Didn't realise you were...

-Cup of tea?

I can put the kettle on, although I don't think it'll suit me.

Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Very good! Very good. Well done.

Most amusing. Tres amusant.

No, we're fine, thank you, most kind of you to ask.

We're-We're-We're-We're fine.

Sure I can't I get you anything? Glass of cordial? Spot of soup?

No, we're fine, thank you.

Although your soup is always delightful.

Right. Where was I?

-Being offensive.

-Being offensive, thank you. What is the worst that could happen?

You'll stop talking to me? Heaven forfend!

What will probably happen?

You'll be upset for a bit and then forget about it.

What's the best that can happen?

Maybe you'll think "John's got a point.

"My wife does look like a man

"and her soup does taste fucking awful. Maybe I should leave her."

I've been able to keep my marriage together thanks.

That's the spirit!

Besides, we haven't been offensive, Mike.

People just like complaining.

The British love complaining.

Complaining about the weather, complaining about the government,

the fucking darkies, the fucking queers, Noel fucking Edmonds

and his Multi-Cunting Swap Shop.

When it comes to the British you can't please any of the people

any of the time, and you know why they like complaining so much?

Maybe because deep down they know there is no fucking God and it takes

their mind off the fact that their lives are a pathetic sham that won't amount to a hill of shitty beans.

Are you going to be like this on the TV?

Yes, I am.

So what about our bishop?

He can't be too serious but he can't be too flippant.

How will we find the best bishop?

Hmm, no.

No.

No.

Ooh, no.

Him. He's perfect.

-Are you sure?

-Oh, yes. He's absolutely mad.

You know what? We should just go on this show and make fun of God.

Yes, that would be helpful.

-What if the Christians just attack us?

-It's a rational argument.

It's a debate.

I think we go on the attack.

"Bishop. You work for an organisation that is closely associated with kiddie fiddling.

"Where do you stand on the issue of child rape? Good Christian behaviour?"

Yes, that's helpful, John, thanks.

Well, let's not take it too seriously.

We could go on in fancy dress.

I could go on dressed as Christ. You can go on dressed as Satan.

We both go on dressed as Mary.

Or babies wearing nappies. Or apostles wearing nappies.

-And bondage gear.

-You've got to take this seriously, John.

There are people working for us who have had death threats.

They're not important. They're the little people.

-They're expendable.

-What?

I'm joking.

It's not very funny.

-I think it is.

-I don't think it is. You've gone too far.

-No I haven't.

And even if I had, you could pretend I hadn't.

You can ignore me.

Or you could stop being my friend.

-God, you're difficult.

-No, I'm not.

-Yes, you are.

-Right. That's it.

Enough is enough.

It doesn't have to be like this.

I look inside you, Palin, and all I see is weakness.

I look inside you and see hatred.

Give in to hatred. Hating things is funny.

No, never. I'd rather be nice.

Sorry. No offence.

Stop being nice, you soppy bastard.

That's it, run away, run away from the fight, you big chicken.

-You all right, John? Hang on, I'm coming.

-Got you!

Bloody BBC, they should have had stunt men for this.

-Who won?

-No idea.

-You should have storyboarded it.

I did do a storyboard it but I left it by the window and it blew away.

-Well, maybe shut the fucking window.

-I know but it adds an interesting visual texture to the room...

I'll just see you at TV Centre tomorrow, shall I?

John, what are you going to say on the show?

-I'm going to talk about how Fawlty Towers is much funnier than Ripping Yarns.

-Seriously, John.

-I'm going to be as offensive as possible.

-This is important, John.

This isn't just the future of comedy we're arguing for,

this is free speech.

I believe in free speech, Mike.

That's why I can't let you censor me.

That's why I'm going to say whatever the fuck I like.

Arse...Balls...Prick...

..Shit.

Thank you and good night.

# Balls and bugger and shits and tits and a whole lot of fanny... #

How did it go with John today?

He thinks I'm taking it all too seriously.

-And are you?

-I don't know.

What's more important than making fun of things?

If we're not allowed to make fun of things that take themselves

too seriously, how do we stop them from taking over the world?

What happens if the comedians take themselves too seriously?

Comedians are allowed to take themselves too seriously

because they're special and better than everyone else.

-Oh, really?

-Yes.

I can't think straight any more.

Come to bed. You've done too much homework.

If you don't know why comedians are better than God now, you'll never know.

I should probably do a bit more prep, love.

Fancy a bunk-up?

Yeah, go on then.

Do you ever think that we're persecuting the Pythons?

No. They're persecuting us.

Thousands of films get made every year.

So one happens to be a comedy about religion. Is that them focusing on us?

Or are we focusing on them?

WEIRDO!

Are you having a moment of doubt, Doubting Desmond?

PATRONISING TIT! No. No.

Just, you know, playing devil's advocate. PISS OFF!

Desmond, swearing...

Yes, yes. I am aware of it.

-It's never deliberate, is it?

-No. No. LIAR! No.

Good. Good.

Oh, not again.

WHIRRING

You're not the nicest man in the world, you're a very naughty boy.

AGH! Run for it! I'm running for it!

Oh, hello. You're awake. Um...

This is awkward. The thing is, I really don't like conflict.

but you made fun of my all-loving, all-forgiving God, so I'm going to kill you.

Tent peg.

You're still dreaming.

And then Jesus popped up on a piece of toast. And there was John...

dressed in a giant rabbit costume saying, "You're still dreaming."

-What does that mean?

-We've always been quite close, haven't we?

-Yes.

Well, until this is all over, just stay away from me.

I'm still dreaming, aren't I?

Yeah, you are. Please stop staring at my penis. It's disturbing.

Probably shouldn't have had that cheese.

Tonight on Friday Night, Saturday Morning, Michael Palin and John Cleese will

debate the film The Life of Brian with...

You'll be all right. You're quite good at public speaking.

-Cup of tea.

-"We interrupt our current programming...

-I have faith in you.

-Thanks, love.

"The film The Life of Brian has just opened in London.

"I have not seen it and I suppose I am unlikely to do so.

"However, members will have seen the reviews and will be aware that

"there is a great deal of concern throughout the country about it.

"For the immediate future it will be up to Christian people

"and others who share this concern to ensure that in this case as in other cases

"where it seems that a film has been made which devalues humanity in their own areas

"the local viewing committee is alerted to the need to see the film before it is publicly shown and

"having done so, to take responsible decisions as to whether and on what conditions it should be shown.

"Be sober, be vigilant..."

because thy adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about seeking whom he may devour.

Very definitely at the beginning.

Three Wise Men arrive and...

I can rely on you, can't I, John?

John!

Sorry, miles away. Wondering what to have for dinner.

What do you think? Fish?

God, you're a difficult bastard.

Mike, don't say that. Doesn't suit you.

You're the Nicest Man in the World.

And you're the most disrespectful, disagreeable, objectionable,

-obnoxious and annoying man in the world.

-That's right.

I fought very hard for that title.

Wasn't easy to wrest it away from Michael Winner.

John, this is important.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself. It's only a chat show.

It's not though, is it? This is about the future of comedy.

It might even be about the future of religion.

Well, I wish I believed we were that important but I don't.

Well, if we're not, why are so many people protesting against us?

This must be Harry.

-Try to be nice.

-Of course.

Hi! Harry Balls.

-Lovely to meet you, Harry!

-Harry Balls! Jolly good!

Thanks for agreeing to come on the show.

Who can resist Harry Balls?

Everyone wants to see Harry Balls. I have a...

Can't think of anywhere we'd rather be.

Tell me, will we be seeing Mr Dick?

-Yes, he'll pop in.

-Will he?

Will he indeed? I'll look forward to that.

Right, shall we...

Remind me, is Dick above Balls?

-ALL: Hey!

-Look who's here.

-The sacrificial lamb.

It's M-M-Monty Python!

-FAMOUS!

-Don't be seduced.

So was Adolf Hitler and Aleister Crowley.

-Who?

-What?

-Michael, John - Alan Dick, Head of BBC Talk.

So, looking forward to seeing who's going to win this one.

Tim! This is your host for the evening.

Tim Rice. Hello, guys, hi. Thanks so much for coming on the show.

Listen, obviously, my role is to be impartial.

But I just want to say I know exactly what you're going through.

When we did Jesus Christ Superstar in 1971 it got accused of blasphemy.

Admittedly, I did co-write it with Beelzebub.

-Now, of course, it's the height of respectability.

-I tell you what...

I wouldn't mind having a hit musical.

That's got to be worth a few quid. If only I had an idea for one.

Well, you could always do what we did and lovingly rip off a story that already exists.

So, John, will we be seeing any Basil Fawlty tonight?

Actually, Tim, if you don't mind, I'd rather you directed most of the questions at Michael.

-Oh, right, OK, yes, fine by me.

-We're ready.

-See you in there.

Um...what?

-Suddenly feel quite nervous for some reason.

-What about me.

It's all right for you, you draw confidence from your spirituality, don't you?

Malcolm Muggeridge. Good evening, good evening, hello, hello.

Wow. That is one big motherfuckin' Bishop.

Ah, Bishop. Alan Dick,

Let me introduce you to your opponents.

John, Michael, this is...a bishop.

Best of luck for the show.

Break a leg, as they say.

This is not the bishop I wanted.

-Iain said he'd be better.

-Who the fuck is Iain?

Are you expecting vampires?

Come on, Joan. You'll have to be funnier than that.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

You pompous arse. I'll take that crucifix and I'll garrotte you with it.

Lovely cassock, Bishop.

Very flattering.

Thank you, Joan. You're too kind.

Ready to go?

So remember. The key points are we didn't kill Jesus.

That was the Jews. If you're going to be angry with anyone...

blame the Jews. Plus the Monty Python Scrapbook available now in all good bookshops.

-How do we look?

-Good.

-Fine.

-Yup.

Shit scared.

We should probably be going...

OK, let's shake a leg, people.

Let's smash the arse off of it.

Cue titles.

"# Friday night, Saturday morning

"# By yesterday's dawn there's a weekend dawning

"# Friday night, Saturday morning at last...

You know, I find these opening credits quite offensive.

Yes.

As a woman.

Yes. Yes, I knew what you meant.

This is all a bit heterosexual, isn't it.

Yes, I rather like it.

Please welcome one third of Monty Python, Michael Palin and John Cleese.

Cracked. BBC cutbacks.

So why the name Brian?

It's one the funny names, isn't it?

Like Trevor or Kevin.

-It's just funny.

-So you must have known you were heading for criticism and controversy.

A) because you were well known

B) because, to put it mildly, the subject matter is quite well known.

Yes but we...we wrote an awful lot which was then just thrown away because it was sort of

struggling too hard to be controversial or...

Well, actually, I don't know if I agree with that.

Because I don't think that we were coming in with stuff about Christ.

We all started writing around the edges.

All the people who arrived five minutes after the miracle being done.

Come on, Tim.

No more Mr Nicey-Ricey. Poke them. Prod them. Get a reaction.

Weren't you all in some danger of splitting up?

Or, at least there was some internal conflict.

Did the film in fact bring you closer together?

Yes, I think it did. After the Grail there was about a year spent sort of in the wilderness, as it were.

Also, there was a stage where we hated each other.

-We're ready for you now.

-"I never hated you."

If He calls, we must answer.

"Whatever any of the others may say, I always liked you."

Good luck, God bless.

-A-A-A-men.

-HYMEN!

"What about your solo projects?"

"Are there going to be any more Ripping Yarns? Any more Fawlty Towers?"

There'll be no more Fawlty Towers, no.

OK. In a moment we'll be joined by two men who don't usually review films.

So this is it, then.

In the red corner, Organised Religion, the beliefs of billions, and if He exists, God.

In the blue corner, some men who like to get naked and talk about moose choreography.

Let battle commence.

"We're joined now by Mervyn Stockwood, the Bishop of Southwark and Malcolm Muggeridge.

What do you think's going to happen?

-Who's going to win?

-Well, obviously, I know already.

Don't tell me! I hate it when you tell me how everything ends.

Well, let's just say...

I'm not listening, not listening. Blblblblblblbl!

You've turned the beer into water, haven't you?

Christ! I wish you'd grow up.

Bishop, what was your review?

People have said to me, "Bishop, you'll be horrified."

But I wasn't the vicar of the University Church for nothing.

I am familiar with undergraduate humour.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I'm also a governor of a mentally-deficient school...

Oh, I like this guy!

He's my kind of bishop! Horrible.

It's the sort of thing, I'm sorry to say, that at Cambridge the Footlights did on a damp Tuesday afternoon,

"or the lower fourth when I was a school master."

-Bit strange.

-That's not very constructive.

I thought this was meant to be a constructive debate.

I wouldn't worry about it. It's just a bit of banter, innit?

Why lampoon death? I think this is the thing that really worried me.

I don't think you'd make a farce about Auschwitz.

Good. Always good to play the Auschwitz card early.

Yeah. He won't have any trouble topping that later.

When I look at that figure, I know you're going to say

that Brian isn't Jesus but, I mean, that is just rubbish.

The whole thing is quite clear, if Jesus hadn't lived, that film would not have been produced.

Come on, Tim! Stir it up some more!

"Call someone a shitbag."

Pull a face like a mong.

-Kick the bishop.

-Oh, dear God.

-Could I bring in Malcolm and ask what your review is like?

-Yes. Um.

Remember that I was engaged for four years in the appalling task of trying to make English people laugh.

As editor of Punch.

It's almost an impossible thing to do.

I couldn't help feeling enormous envy of the ease with which

this particular film aroused laughter.

You simply had to use a four-letter word or display a man's private parts in the window and the whole

-place fell on the ground with laughter.

-What's wrong with that?

-Swearing is funny.

-Windows are funny.

-My genitals are funny.

-And that shot was beautifully framed. Even the framing was funny.

Also, of course, I agree entirely with the Bishop.

It's quite humbug to say that this is not a ridiculing of the founder of the Christian religion

and of the Incarnation in an extremely cheap and tenth-rate way.

Rummenigge! Two-nil!

Great stuff. Malcolm's even better than the bishop.

Don't just believe because someone tells you to, someone in the pulpit

says something, question it, work it out yourself.

Are you seriously suggesting that someone who saw that film,

say a young kid, who knew nothing about the gospels or about history,

that the figure of Christ that would emerge from it would be a noble one?

Well, it's not supposed to be about him so people shouldn't go and see it to learn about him.

-Well, it's no good saying it's not about him...

-I'm not being dishonest.

You're being utterly dishonest, my dear chap.

-They're n-n-not letting the Pythons h-h-have their s-s-s-say.

-MOUTH NAZI!

I am very confused and perturbed by a religion,

an established religion, in this country

where people can go into church on a Sunday morning and the same people can sing hymns and say prayers

and at the same time these people can stand by while

their money is spent making bombs, making guns, building up appalling

weapons of destruction... they can sit by...

- I would urge you not to make careless generalisations which are not dependent on evidence.

I... I make them in all humility...

I think the Pythons are on the ropes here.

..but I have observed people...

- Because what you're saying, if I may say so, is a great load of sheer rubbish

and you've made the most ridiculous generalisations which are unworthy of an educated man.

This whole thing is wrong. Wrong and really, really repugnant.

-Your lisp is getting worse.

-It really is.

If you made that film about Mohammed, you see, there would be

absolute hullabaloo in this country, racial, anti-racialist people would rise up in their might.

The same people who would approve of this would have thought it quite

disgraceful and behind people's minds would be the thought that they might lose a bit of oil.

But you see the difference.

Four hundred years ago we would have been burnt for this film.

Now, I'm suggesting we've made an advance.

I've never seen Mike this angry.

-This isn't good.

-This great drama of the incarnation you have reduced to a sort of comic film.

You don't make people open by producing the sort of buffoonery that you have produced.

You keep making the basic assumption

that we are ridiculing Christ and Christ's teaching and I say we are not.

Do you imagine that your scene, for instance, of the Sermon on the Mount

is not ridiculing one of the most sublime utterances that

any human being has ever spoken on this earth? Course it is.

No, no, it's making fun of the guy who's remembered it wrong and the people who've missed the point.

Christ is played by an actor Ken Colley, he speaks the words from the sermon on the mount, he is treated

absolutely respectfully, the camera then pans away,

right to the back of the crowd to someone who shouts "speak up"

because they can not hear him. Now if that utterly undermines my faith in Christ then...

No, of course it doesn't undermine it.

I started off by saying that it is such a tenth-rate film

I don't believe it would disturb anybody's faith...

Yes, you started with an open mind, I realise that. APPLAUSE

PALIN'S LOST IT! STAY ON PALIN! STAY ON PALIN!

This is aw aw-awful.

They're behaving like total shits.

-SHITS!

-Yes. It's not very Christian.

The question I put to you... Could you really put your hand on your heart

and say that film is going to help the younger generation in its pilgrimage for truth?

And the lampooning of Christ's death is the most disgraceful part of the whole thing.

You have succeeded in reducing something

which has inspired the greatest art

into something which is presented in terms of the lowest art. That's your feat!

That's your achievement!

My face! My beautiful face!

Oh, yes! I have just come in my pants.

-You're not funny!

-Go on, Mike! Give him what for!

Please don't.

Stay out of it, Rice! This is gold! Sit down or join in or fuck off!

Oh, I do love physical comedy.

What's going on?

I think we might be in Michael Palin's fantasy sequence.

Oh, piss on me through a sieve!

Another fantasy sequence? This is lame.

Gentlemen, I'm going to have to call a halt.

I think you've made people happy and made them think and made them laugh.

APPLAUSE

Although you will get your thirty pieces of silver. Of that I'm quite sure.

That's ridiculously harsh.

-Ow!

-Fuck.

-R-really.

-YAHTZEE!

KRANKL! IT'S ALL OVER!

Is that a Bafta in my pocket? No, I'm just pleased to see me.

And I've got a massive erection.

..you're seeing it in those terms and it's utterly tragic.

Utterly tragic.

Gentlemen, thank you.

Now here's Paul Jones and his Blues Band with Boom Boom, Out Go The Lights.

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Damn and blast it all to hell!

You OK, Mike?

Pissed off?

I can put you in touch with a very good therapist.

Mike. Sorry. Joke.

Couldn't resist. Sorry.

-I understand why you're angry, of course I do.

-They didn't listen.

They didn't debate.

They just shouted us down and played to the gallery.

-We took it seriously and they took the piss.

-I know.