Best Possible Taste: The Kenny Everett Story


Best Possible Taste: The Kenny Everett Story

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Hello. Keith, here,

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and welcome to a film-ette that's in a glass of its own. Yes.

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It's based on a true story,

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though some sceney-poos have been scrungled.

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It also contains naughty bits.

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THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE

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MUSIC: "Love Is The Drug" by Roxy Music

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# It ain't no big thing

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# To wait for the bell to ring

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# It ain't no big thing

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# The toll of the bell

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PHONE RINGS

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# Aggravated, spare for days

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# I troll downtown

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# The red light place

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# Jump up, bubble up

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# What's in store?

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# Love is the drug and I need to score... #

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Ev?

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Ev?

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Ev?

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-I've been a silly boy.

-Why? What have you done now?

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Might have gone a teensy bit too far, this time.

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What do you mean? Ev, are you there?

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Ev, what are you talking about? What do you mean?

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MUSIC: "Radio Ga Ga" by Queen

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Hi, kids!

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And a super-mungous Cuddly Ken welcomette

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to tonight's nerve-noggling, brain-bending,

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spleen-venting fantast-a-rama of...

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Revealing information...

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Meaningful education...

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And outrageous entertainment!

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Oh, sexy Hot Gossip, what a show!

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And how could it not be? When the central character,

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the leading man, the star of the show just happens to be...

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Me!

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Let's take our seats

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and boldly perambulate where no Kenny has perambulated before.

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Gasp in admiration,

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as we witness a puny little kid from suburban Liverpool

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transform himself into the "Scouse that roared".

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And marvel as we watch darling Kenny

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yanking himself off on a journey up the showbiz ladder

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from the bottomest rung to the very toppest!

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And yet, what if none of us ever really know who we are?

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# Aa-a-ah-ha

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# We are Children Of The World... #

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And tonight, he fully intends to penetrate

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the biggest, butchest issues like...

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How national trinket could go from this...

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..to this...

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Two husbands are so much better than one.

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..via this...

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Let's bomb Russia!

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But I'm telling you the plot, trust me,

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it's all done in the best possible taste!

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The Best Possible Taste!

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ECHOING MURMURS

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So, you can get a cuppa in heaven.

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This is the Royal Free Hampstead.

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And you are very lucky.

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To still be here?

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Not to have caused lasting brain damage.

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Who'd have noticed?

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MUSIC: "Sleepy Lagoon" by Eric Coates

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What are you doin' here, Cole?

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Nothing.

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Shouldn't you be practising for the school skipping competition?

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Or pickin' out a new dress for the Gang Show?

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Let's play a game.

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I don't like games.

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Not since they used me as a cricket stump.

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No, no this one's a belter - "Let's mash the weed."

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-And I'm the masher.

-Can't I be?

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You couldn't mash a bowl of peas!

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-How did I get to this?

-You're gay.

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You know, I hate that word.

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Well...

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..it's better than the ones you grew up with.

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"Gay" applies to paper doilies and Juliet balconies.

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And Kenny Everett.

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Do you know?

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You worry the whole world's going to tumble your big secret

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and you can't even come to terms with it, yourself.

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MUSIC: "At The End Of The Day"

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# At the end of the day

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# Just kneel and say... #

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RADIO STATIC

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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Well, I can see the gas lamps flickering in Portland Place,

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signalling that it's time for us to part company for the evening.

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And we do so with a simply spiffing platter -

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Freddie And The Dreamers.

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CUES "I'm telling you now" by Freddie And The Dreamers

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And I'm telling you

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that this request goes out to Tom and Lily Cole

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of 14, Hereford Road, Seaforth,

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from your super son Maurice

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who promises to mow the lawn with nail-scissors

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if you'd bung him five English nicker

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towards a new tape recorder.

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Oh, and he also says, "Ta very much."

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It's now eight o'clock.

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CLOCK CHIMES

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"Ta very much"?

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"Five English nicker"?

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That sounds like...

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Where's our clock?

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MUSIC: "Louie, Louie" by The Kingsmen

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Unbeknownst to the evil Treens,

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Dan Dare silently hatches his brilliant escape plan.

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Piercing the darkness,

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shattering the cosmopolis like a sonic laser beam,

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young Captain Cole beams though deep space

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to the far-flung reaches of the galaxy

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in search of new adventures.

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Calm down, Lily. It's only a telegram!

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Yeah, and we all know what telegrams mean.

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It's addressed to our Maurice.

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He doesn't know anyone who could die!

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It's actually from someone called "Death"!

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De'Ath. Wilfred De'Ath.

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I got his name from Practical Wireless

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and sent in one of my shows!

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-Sent in?

-Sent in where?

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The B-B-bloody-C.

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Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, B-B-C!

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He says, "Tape good. Come to London for an interview"!

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Maurice!

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Mate! That's amazing, son.

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-I can't believe it!

-Fantastic!

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MUSIC: "Hallelujah Chorus" by Handel

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The Land Of June Whitfield!

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This way, sir.

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Remember, ladies and germs, three out of seven doctors recommend

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you flush out the ear wax

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with "The Maurice Cole Quarter Of An Hour" -

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a sight for sore ears, and nowhere near as pricey as Anadin!

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-And you really glued all this together in your bedroom?

-Yeah.

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Something skew-whiff, old boy?

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Your carpets actually stretch from one wall to the other.

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Is that bad?

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Back home, it's illegal!

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You are a find. Snifter?

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Rule One -

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everyone drinks G&Ts at the BBC. The seat of our vitality.

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Ice and a slice?

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I will say your name.

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A carefully selected gramophone record will begin to play.

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'Oh, I've brought my own records, actually - Lulu,'

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The Rolling Stones, and I think...

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A light of shimmering emerald will be your signal

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to read the script in front of you.

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Couldn't I not just make it up, you know, as I pootle along?

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We do not "pootle" on the Home Service.

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Absolute still and quiet, please.

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We are rolling.

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Maurice Cole audition.

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Standing by...

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and...

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HE CUES "The Happy Wanderer"

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Waving their hats to all they meet,

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the Ober...Ob...Obernkir...chen Children's Choir...

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with "The Happy Wanderer" -

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a peppy performance on the Parlophone label

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that hitchhiked its jolly way

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to the penultimate position in the Pop's Parade ten years ago.

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This is terrible.

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Stop tape!

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Young man, once your light goes green,

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you will proceed unless instructed otherwise.

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It's just that... "Pop's Parade".

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Who writes this rubbish?

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I did.

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It's good. I like the...

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Mam could find me a job in a sweet shop.

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Dad could always teach me how to drive his tug, I suppose.

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Me dad drives a tugboat up and down the Mersey.

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Of course, that's it?

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That's what?

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The way forward, Tugboat.

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FOG HORN BLOWS

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# It's smooth sailing

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# With the highly successful sound

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# Of wonderful Radio London

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"Dead Rat And Diesel" by Yardley. Top note of Seaweed.

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Lovely shade of rust.

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Well, it was a minesweeper, love, not the fucking Queen Mary.

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Studio One.

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And before you ask, there is no Studio Two.

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It's so poky.

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Just you and ten million listeners.

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Is this legal?

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Nothing is, twelve miles off-shore, according to the Postmaster General.

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But...I won't tell him if you won't.

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'Look - the transparent cooking wrap

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'that let's you see when the meat's been overcooked.'

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-Ears burning?

-Not any more.

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Been chatting with the other jocks.

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And we all think you look like a Kenny.

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Can't I look like a Maurice?

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If you want Wedgie-Benn to find you and have you boiled in oil.

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I used to be lowly Anthony Withers.

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Tony Windsor be my pirate name, now, Jim lad'.

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Ooh!

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So, Kenny "what"?

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And you have to make up your mind by Christmas Eve.

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"Drink-drive fatalities soar over the festive season"?

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HQ wants us to start with it.

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Hello. It's the Kenny Everett Show.

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We here at Wonderful Radio London

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have a very serious Yuletide announcement to make.

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Tonight, before you drive home from that Christmas party,

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I want you to get drunk.

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Yes, forget about all this "don't drink and drive" stuff.

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I want you to get very, very drunk. So drunk, in fact,

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that you'll be completely incapable of even finding the keys to your car!

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# So Christmas time is here again The snow is deep outside

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# Enjoy your turkey scraps and pud But please don't drink and drive. #

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A star is born.

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On the one hand, Everett - shy and retiring, and on the other...

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Radio London's "Big Noise of '65"!

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All right, creeps?

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Now that is not music to cuddly Ken's lugholes.

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I mean, just as he's plain sailing, he launches his own torpedo.

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So, I did want to have a, erm, quiet word.

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How quiet?

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There's a new spot. Head Office want you to feature.

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You're our new star. This is a fifty grand contract.

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It's a perfect fit.

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"The Worldwide Church Of God"?

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I already gave.

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Three years in a seminary, even more as a choirboy.

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We need their dosh to stay afloat.

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My listeners need Stevie Wonder, not VD or the Venerable Bede.

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Just spin the tapes, go have a lie-down,

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pop back later.

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Play the fucking "Ring Cycle" for all I care.

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'And now, "The Plain Truth About The World Tomorrow",

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'with me, your host, Garner Ted Armstrong.'

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Here she comes, not looking a day over 72

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in a fetching ivory gown and paste tiara.

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'Assassinations, war, nuclear annihilation.'

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CUES EXPLOSION

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Eh, turned out nice again, Vicar.

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'Something rumbles deep inside young sinners

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'and they grow desperate for relief.'

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He's not wrong.

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Altogether now...

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CUES FALLING SCREAM AND PASSING WIND

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'There. You all feel better? Lord knows, I know I do.'

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I do, too!

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'Well, looks like this pirate's about to walk the plank...

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-'That's all, folks.'

-Kenny!

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# Woke up this mornin' feelin' fine

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# There's somethin' special on my mind

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# Last night I met a new boy

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# In the neighbourhood

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# Something tells me I'm in for something good

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# Something tells me I'm in for something good

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# He's the kinda guy he's not too shy

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# In fact, I'm sure he's my kinda guy

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# He danced very slow down to me like I hoped he would

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# Somethin' tells me I'm in for something good... #

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If I'm that bad, how come Decca signed me?

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I don't see the point.

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What, in my singing?

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In anything. I'm an outcast.

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All right, well, in that case,

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could I cast you out into my garden, please?

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-Unto the wilderness, once again!

-Yeah.

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This rug cost me a mint, mate,

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and I don't want it ruined by some vomiting stick insect.

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Bad vibes.

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Bad acid.

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Fine DJ!

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You scramble your brains -

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I'm going to scramble some eggs for me and Lulu.

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# It's all too beautiful... #

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MUSIC: "Colours" by Donovan

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# Yellow is the colour of my true love's hair

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# In the morning when we rise

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# In the morning when we rise

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# That's the time, that's the time

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# I love her best... #

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You and I need to talk.

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Er, do we?

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The results came back from the clinic.

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We should both attend.

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He had to go. That cologne!

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You have absolutely no right.

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And the eyebrows...

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-Only after one thing.

-Yeah. And I would've helped him find it!

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Great.

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-So sorry.

-You're so rude!

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I'm only really good in one-to-ones.

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OK!

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Prove it.

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-Oh, er, um, sh...

-So, do you just wreck everything that you come near?

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You ought to be arrested!

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Copper pulls me over the other day and he says,

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"Where were you between four and six?" And I said, "Primary School!"

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Unless there's a real Kenny Everett, you're wasting my time and yours.

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Maurice James Christopher Cole.

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I'll swap you for the real Lady Lee Dexter.

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Audrey Valentine Middleton.

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-Valentine?

-Born February 14th.

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December 25th. Middle initials JC.

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Right, let's get you cleaned up.

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Cupid's arrow hits.

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But my radar detects issues regarding...

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..intimacy.

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So, Alan the footballer

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went to Germany on his National Service, never to return.

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And Billy the pop star?

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"Mr Fury" having a girlfriend?

0:19:440:19:46

Oh, simply not done, never mind marrying her!

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Oh, if only our hearts had brains, eh?

0:19:500:19:54

Anyway...

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What about you?

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Haven't had time.

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Too busy being unemployed?

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So, what are you going to do about it?

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My love life?

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Finding a new job.

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Erm...

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I guess I could try this new station over at the Beeb

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that everyone's talking about

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Oh, yeah, go for it!

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Lennon reckons that's going to be the next big thing.

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Yeah? Well, George reckons

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they'll nick all their best ideas off the pirates.

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Well, that's perfect for you.

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Yes. No room on deck for a loose cannon, methinks.

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Now that would depend on the size of his balls, wouldn't you say?

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Hello, I'm looking for a Mr Kenny Everett, two T's.

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-ON SPEAKER SYSTEM:

-'Mr Kenny Everett

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'to main reception.'

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All this post has arrived for him but I can't find an extension.

0:21:080:21:12

Hush-hush. All tied up with this naughty new station of ours.

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Radio 1. It's going to be huge.

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I could take it down to him.

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I mean, I'm sure I can track down "His Highness" somewhere.

0:21:210:21:23

-So long as it's no bother.

-Oh, not at all.

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-Studio's this way?

-Along the corridor, down one level.

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Why, thank you.

0:21:300:21:32

Charming man.

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Yeah. Who is he?

0:21:340:21:37

MUSIC: Donovan

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# Superman or Green Lantern ain't got

0:21:440:21:47

# A nothin' on me... #

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JINGLE PLAYS

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# 247 on your radio

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# Music on your wireless

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# Wherever you go

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# Listen in the garden

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# Listen on the move

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# Lovely 247

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# Always keeps you in the groove. #

0:22:040:22:08

Your unauthorised use of BBC facilities to make illegal jingles

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raises three very serious issues.

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One - I shall have to remind them

0:22:180:22:21

that you left Radio London with an audience of fifteen million,

0:22:210:22:24

two - suggest they broadcast these illegal jingles of yours

0:22:240:22:29

to publicise our new station,

0:22:290:22:31

and three - have Contracts draw up terms between us immediately.

0:22:310:22:36

Snifter?

0:22:360:22:38

Amen Corner on 247, scrumptious Radio One!

0:22:380:22:43

And that's going out to the luscious Lady Lee

0:22:430:22:45

in freakishly fashionable Fulham.

0:22:450:22:46

Bend me, shape me, anyway you want me.

0:22:460:22:49

So, stick the kettle on, love,

0:22:490:22:51

and I'll be round in twenty minutes! Byeeeee!

0:22:510:22:55

Kenny Everett,

0:22:550:22:58

"Radio One's Golden Boy, has landed the plum Saturday morning spot

0:22:580:23:02

"and The Beatles are leading the in-crowd

0:23:020:23:05

"of pop people praising him."

0:23:050:23:07

Oooooh, impressive.

0:23:070:23:11

Impressive? You want "impressive"?

0:23:110:23:14

Always.

0:23:140:23:15

I'll show you impressive...

0:23:150:23:18

Open your hands and shut yer eyeballs!

0:23:180:23:21

HE IMITATES FANFARE

0:23:260:23:28

Oh, hello!

0:23:280:23:30

A little thank you for sprouting up from the latrine of my life.

0:23:300:23:33

Let's take him on romantic weekends in Venice,

0:23:330:23:36

shelter him from horrors and let him do whatever

0:23:360:23:39

his flowery heart so desires.

0:23:390:23:41

Are we talking about Mr Sunflower, here, or Mr Everett?

0:23:410:23:44

Hello? What was that for?

0:23:490:23:52

You're nice.

0:23:540:23:55

Oh, good.

0:23:550:23:57

You like me too, yeah?

0:23:570:24:00

Yeah, of course I do.

0:24:000:24:04

I'm just...

0:24:040:24:06

I'm a bit confused.

0:24:060:24:08

Why?

0:24:100:24:11

Fellas.

0:24:110:24:12

You prefer fellas.

0:24:120:24:14

I'm not normal.

0:24:170:24:19

Well, then most of my friends are "not normal".

0:24:190:24:23

You don't seem that bothered.

0:24:240:24:26

I'm not.

0:24:260:24:28

Men aren't built for men.

0:24:280:24:30

-It's a mortal sin.

-Is it?

0:24:300:24:32

In the eyes of the universe.

0:24:330:24:35

Well, then we must construct our own universe.

0:24:350:24:39

We have to, us aliens, or face being wiped out. Come on.

0:24:390:24:42

MUSIC: "Afterglow Of Your Love" by the Small Faces

0:24:440:24:48

# Love is all around me everywhere

0:24:480:24:54

# Love has come to touch my soul

0:24:540:24:59

# With someone who really cares

0:24:590:25:04

# No-one can deny us

0:25:060:25:08

# People who once passed me by

0:25:100:25:12

# Will turn their heads round

0:25:120:25:15

# I'm happy just to be with you

0:25:150:25:20

# And loving you the way I do... #

0:25:200:25:24

MUSIC: "Albatross" by Fleetwood Mac

0:25:240:25:26

-So, that's that, then.

-What?

0:25:260:25:29

Marriage?!

0:25:360:25:38

You horse, me carriage.

0:25:380:25:40

If that's a joke, it isn't very funny.

0:25:400:25:44

I've never been more serious in my life.

0:25:440:25:47

Come on, let's rivet ourselves together against the normals,

0:25:470:25:50

conquering everything the fickle finger of fate pokes our way.

0:25:500:25:53

Oh, Ev. Where would we even start?

0:25:530:25:56

Piddly stuff. Knitting.

0:25:560:25:59

There are slightly bigger issues here

0:25:590:26:01

than perfecting your Inverness Diamond.

0:26:010:26:05

You've inhabited me.

0:26:050:26:07

Beside me, there's this pulsating lump like a polar bear

0:26:070:26:11

trying to chomp its way out.

0:26:110:26:14

Before you, I wouldn't have let anyone get even close.

0:26:140:26:18

I never saw myself as anything more significant than a pea,

0:26:180:26:22

trying to take up as little space as possible,

0:26:220:26:26

I loofah'd away another layer of skin

0:26:260:26:29

or clipped my fingernails really close,

0:26:290:26:32

plucked another eyebrow.

0:26:320:26:33

Then there'd be even less of me to give away.

0:26:330:26:37

But now I want to be more for you,

0:26:370:26:41

-I want to give you more.

-But marriage!

0:26:410:26:44

It's such a massive step.

0:26:440:26:46

So, let's be massive.

0:26:460:26:48

You know, swinging nuptials, the grooviest love nest.

0:26:480:26:51

A line of baby Everetts.

0:26:510:26:53

-Ev...

-Don't stop me. I'm on a roll.

0:26:530:26:55

No, come on, now.

0:26:550:26:57

Is marrying a woman what you really want?

0:26:570:26:59

You worried that I might not be man enough for you?

0:26:590:27:04

I'm worried I might not be "woman enough" for you, actually.

0:27:040:27:08

I lost a baby a couple of years ago.

0:27:100:27:13

I can't have any "baby Everetts".

0:27:140:27:16

Another thing to add to the list of my failures.

0:27:200:27:23

-Well, that's that, then.

-What?

0:27:230:27:26

You'll just have to have me, instead.

0:27:280:27:32

I do solemnly declare that I know of no lawful impediment why I...

0:27:360:27:40

There's speed in the punch.

0:27:430:27:45

Oh, for... Do you mind, folks?

0:27:450:27:48

I'm trying to turn this bloke into an upright citizen!

0:27:480:27:52

Carry on, dear.

0:27:520:27:54

I know of no lawful impediment why I, Kenny Everett...

0:27:540:27:57

I do!

0:27:570:27:59

It's not legal! My son's name is Maurice Cole!

0:27:590:28:03

I changed it by deed poll!

0:28:030:28:05

I can't believe you didn't tell her.

0:28:050:28:07

I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

0:28:070:28:11

CHEERING

0:28:190:28:20

MOANING

0:28:260:28:28

What, am I not doing it right?

0:28:360:28:38

No.

0:28:380:28:39

Am I being too fumbly? Not handling things correctly?

0:28:390:28:44

No! Yeah, you are. It's just the stubble.

0:28:440:28:50

I can shave, if you want.

0:28:500:28:53

I don't want.

0:28:540:28:57

-You like it?

-Yeah. I love it.

0:28:570:29:00

HE ROARS

0:29:030:29:05

"He that hath a beard is more than youth,

0:29:060:29:10

"but he that hath no beard is less than a man."

0:29:100:29:13

That's William Shakespeare, that is.

0:29:130:29:15

One fact remains - Everett's razor, much like his beard,

0:29:150:29:20

shall never leave its mug again.

0:29:200:29:22

Right. I was going to spin you Zager and Evans, then.

0:29:250:29:28

In fact, here it is...

0:29:280:29:31

However, due to some crummy arrangement

0:29:310:29:35

with our crusty old pals at the Musicians' Union,

0:29:350:29:38

apparently a third of my show

0:29:380:29:41

must consist of songs recorded specifically for it.

0:29:410:29:44

So, unless I want to spend the night in Wormwood Scrubs,

0:29:440:29:48

here is In The Year 2525 played by...

0:29:480:29:54

The Northern Dance Orchestra.

0:29:540:29:57

Oh, God! They sound abysmal.

0:29:570:29:59

Worse - they sound like the Northern Dance Orchestra!

0:29:590:30:02

CUES string arrangement for "In The Year 2525."

0:30:020:30:07

I'm sorry, I can't do it. You're just too valuable, kind listeners.

0:30:100:30:15

Just don't tell anyone, OK?

0:30:150:30:18

CUES Original version of "In The Year 2525" by Zager And Evans

0:30:200:30:23

# In the year 2525... #

0:30:230:30:27

Imaginative, daring, inventive.

0:30:270:30:31

And yet, unremittingly disrespectful towards authority.

0:30:310:30:35

Nice one, Ken. I like it.

0:30:350:30:38

Ooh! A written warning.

0:30:380:30:40

I'll frame it and stick it in my smallest room.

0:30:400:30:44

Maurice... Ken, if you don't start toeing the line,

0:30:440:30:48

they'll be forced to pre-record your shows.

0:30:480:30:51

-They wouldn't dare.

-It's a point of contract.

0:30:510:30:53

Expurgation!

0:30:530:30:54

Editorial guidelines.

0:30:540:30:57

You should know them!

0:30:570:30:59

-"Shit"?

-Er...fifteenth.

0:30:590:31:01

Correct. "Cocksucker"?

0:31:010:31:06

Top ten, I'd say. Eighth?

0:31:060:31:10

Ninth. 22% consider it "very severe".

0:31:100:31:14

I thought you never used any of these words!

0:31:140:31:16

And I never would.

0:31:160:31:18

Wow! Have you seen what's last?

0:31:180:31:21

"God".

0:31:210:31:22

Yeah.

0:31:220:31:24

40% think he's a profanity.

0:31:240:31:27

"Off-colour material must be avoided

0:31:270:31:29

"and humorous items always presented

0:31:290:31:32

"in the best possible taste."

0:31:320:31:34

Gosh! They're like some old maiden aunt, waiting to rap your knuckles.

0:31:340:31:38

Well, if you will goad Auntie.

0:31:380:31:41

She started it!

0:31:410:31:42

Bollocks.

0:31:420:31:44

Quite.

0:31:460:31:48

'And, finally, Mrs Mary Peyton, wife of the Transport Minister,

0:31:480:31:51

'has passed her advanced driving test first time.

0:31:510:31:53

'She'd been driving for more than 30 years

0:31:530:31:55

'but said she was spurred on to take the test

0:31:550:31:57

'following her husband's appointment.'

0:31:570:31:59

She only passed cos she crammed a fiver in the examiner's hand.

0:31:590:32:02

I know these people.

0:32:020:32:06

# Lovely 247 always keeps you in the groove. #

0:32:060:32:10

Right, here's a tune especially for you, Mrs P!

0:32:100:32:15

CUES "Gimme Dat Ding" by the Pipkins

0:32:150:32:17

# That's right, I'm sad and blue

0:32:170:32:19

# Cos I can't do the Boogaloo

0:32:190:32:20

# I'm lost, I'm lost Can't do my thing... #

0:32:200:32:23

How does it feel to get sacked for offending the Transport Minister?

0:32:230:32:27

Oh, you know! You can't imagine!

0:32:270:32:29

Have you spoken to Tony Blackburn?

0:32:290:32:31

I never speak to Tony Blackburn!

0:32:310:32:33

THEY LAUGH

0:32:330:32:35

I think you like getting the sack, don't you?

0:32:350:32:38

I mean, you knew what was going to happen, didn't you?

0:32:380:32:41

Most of us would kill for the chance like what you've been given.

0:32:420:32:46

Let's have some bubbles!

0:32:490:32:51

You can't run away from yourself, though, eh, Maurice?

0:32:510:32:54

I just can't help myself.

0:32:570:32:59

Yeah, why do you think that is?

0:32:590:33:02

Once, when I was a kid on the dunes,

0:33:040:33:09

I spent hours building this sandcastle -

0:33:110:33:14

turrets and a moat, lolly-stick flagpoles.

0:33:140:33:19

And then as soon as me Aunt Sadie came over oohing and aahing over it,

0:33:190:33:26

I felt this delicious, overpowering urge just rip through me.

0:33:260:33:32

And I kicked it down!

0:33:340:33:36

Control?

0:33:370:33:39

If I can't be allowed to do what I want - nay - what I NEED to do -

0:33:390:33:44

then I'm off!

0:33:440:33:46

Good! Can we come too?

0:33:460:33:49

Welcome to Wales.

0:34:010:34:03

I fetched up the rest of the stuff on the tractor.

0:34:040:34:06

Stick it in the barn thingy.

0:34:060:34:09

Oh, no, there's a bloody great Hereford in there.

0:34:090:34:11

Climb a ladder, can he?

0:34:110:34:13

What he's trying to say is, would you put it in the hayloft,

0:34:130:34:15

please, Iolo.

0:34:150:34:17

Anything for you, darling.

0:34:170:34:18

It's for me, actually.

0:34:180:34:21

What's in it all, anyway? Weighs a bloody ton.

0:34:210:34:24

You haven't seen the half of it yet.

0:34:240:34:26

Chuck another dog on, love, I'm freezing.

0:34:280:34:32

Insanity rules at Croydon's premier carpet superstore!

0:34:460:34:50

Yes, folks, a wacky 20% week.

0:34:500:34:52

COW MOOS

0:34:520:34:54

HE SIGHS

0:34:540:34:56

Next time you listen to the wireless,

0:34:560:34:58

you'll appreciate how much work goes into it.

0:34:580:35:00

That ain't the radio, though, is it? Being played in a shop...

0:35:000:35:05

A superstore, branches all throughout the Southeast.

0:35:050:35:08

Can't you get on the telly?

0:35:080:35:10

It's a miracle I can get on anywhere.

0:35:100:35:13

Since getting the push, you mean?

0:35:130:35:16

Well, you sure say it like it is, don't ya?

0:35:160:35:18

No bullshit, that's your lot!

0:35:180:35:21

I would have kept my head down. Played the game.

0:35:210:35:25

Yes, I've never been very good at being pushed around.

0:35:250:35:28

Every time it happens, I just push back harder.

0:35:280:35:33

And now,

0:35:330:35:36

I'd better get back to pushing axminsters.

0:35:360:35:39

Yes, folks, a wacky 20% off wool-blend weaves plus loony...

0:35:440:35:48

Fuuuuuuck!

0:35:480:35:50

Time to start cleaning up our act, eh, Boozie?

0:35:500:35:53

What do you and Iolo chat about?

0:36:470:36:50

Mucking out, mainly.

0:36:500:36:53

Whilst dancing the Nutcracker?

0:36:530:36:56

I gave him my last tab.

0:36:560:36:59

Oh, Ev.

0:36:590:37:01

He was curious.

0:37:010:37:04

He wouldn't be curious about anything else, would he?

0:37:050:37:08

Wales' straightest man?!

0:37:080:37:10

Coming here had to be better than sitting about stoned

0:37:190:37:22

or waiting for the phone to ring, didn't it?

0:37:220:37:24

But, you know, if it's not enough,

0:37:270:37:32

if there are things you want outside that window,

0:37:320:37:35

even if you think they are going to pull you away from me, you just say.

0:37:350:37:41

Yeah?

0:37:410:37:42

I'm Sheffield Steel, remember?

0:37:450:37:49

And before you can say

0:38:010:38:02

"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndro bwllllantysiliogogogoch",

0:38:020:38:06

two years in the love factory

0:38:060:38:08

on Planet Cow-dung have simply whizzed by!

0:38:080:38:10

Ev! Ev! What are you doing?

0:38:210:38:25

You running away again?

0:38:270:38:29

Running towards.

0:38:290:38:32

I've had an epiphany.

0:38:320:38:34

And a phone call from London.

0:38:340:38:36

Oh, no...

0:38:360:38:39

Some bloke called Attleborough. Dead posh, he was.

0:38:390:38:42

We don't belong here anymore.

0:38:420:38:44

"We"?

0:38:440:38:45

Me! You're right, OK? I've grown too comfortable.

0:38:450:38:48

I can't give my best, unless I'm going out live.

0:38:480:38:51

I miss the edge, the buzz of knowing that I am talking to someone

0:38:510:38:54

right on the other side of that microphone.

0:38:540:38:56

Someone sharing that moment with me.

0:38:560:38:59

And what about me? And this place?

0:39:000:39:03

I'll buy you another.

0:39:030:39:06

Well, I like it here.

0:39:060:39:08

I love it here. The peace...

0:39:080:39:11

Is that what your manual teaches you, is it?

0:39:110:39:14

Bringing up 18 horses and turning your back on civilisation?

0:39:140:39:17

It is twaddle.

0:39:170:39:19

Off we go, then.

0:39:190:39:22

-You reckon?

-Show me one thing it's good for.

0:39:220:39:25

All right.

0:39:280:39:29

I can't do this without you.

0:39:340:39:37

I was worried our scouts might not be able to track you down,

0:39:420:39:47

Kenny, darling.

0:39:470:39:48

Oh, sorry, Dickie, darling, but I had make sure

0:39:480:39:51

"The Ministry of Saying No" couldn't catch up with me.

0:39:510:39:53

"Yes" tends to work better at Capital Radio,

0:39:530:39:57

my darling - to the original, to sticking our necks on the blocks.

0:39:570:40:03

Its Chairman beseeches you - Kenny, darling,

0:40:030:40:08

come and join us, talk to the city,

0:40:080:40:12

play the best records.

0:40:120:40:13

-As well as the worst?

-Why not?

0:40:130:40:16

Cook us up some jingles, write your own scripts,

0:40:160:40:21

or - better still - don't write any!

0:40:210:40:24

And you'd trust me to go out live?

0:40:240:40:27

No censorship, my darling.

0:40:270:40:30

No "pinstripe princes".

0:40:300:40:32

No bleepy-poos?

0:40:320:40:33

-Not a single

-BLEEP

-...ing one!

0:40:330:40:35

Could I say "bum"?

0:40:350:40:36

Imagine it in stereo.

0:40:360:40:38

# Bum, bum, bum, bum. #

0:40:390:40:41

You could even have the company gaff in St John's Wood.

0:40:410:40:45

Lee'd like that.

0:40:450:40:47

Well, it all sounds too divine.

0:40:470:40:50

What would I have to rebel against?

0:40:500:40:52

Advancing mediocrity.

0:40:520:40:55

And you wouldn't give me the elbow?

0:40:570:40:59

Even if I was a little bit naughty?

0:40:590:41:01

Sadly not, no.

0:41:010:41:04

Dickie, darling, I've never been so insulted in my life!

0:41:050:41:09

Good.

0:41:090:41:11

Start on Monday?

0:41:130:41:15

ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF

0:41:150:41:17

MUSIC: "Virginia Plain" by Roxy Music

0:41:200:41:23

# ..and make it straight

0:41:230:41:24

# All signed and sealed

0:41:240:41:26

# I'll take it

0:41:260:41:27

# To Robert E Lee.. #

0:41:270:41:30

# Capital's the place to be

0:41:300:41:32

# The only radio station for me

0:41:320:41:35

# So twiddle your dial

0:41:350:41:38

# And come and join us now. #

0:41:380:41:39

I'd give my right arm to be able to harmonise like you.

0:41:390:41:42

Many a mis-spent moon warbling,

0:41:420:41:46

# Panis Angelicus. #

0:41:460:41:48

You know, I've never met a choirboy that can rewire a mixing-desk.

0:41:480:41:52

A legacy of one's fiddling years.

0:41:520:41:54

I don't really do anything now that I didn't do in my bedroom back home.

0:41:540:41:58

I'm just a kid that got old.

0:41:580:42:00

I can vouch for that.

0:42:000:42:01

Someone promised me lunch.

0:42:010:42:03

I'm on a double vodka.

0:42:050:42:07

I'm on a double yellow.

0:42:070:42:09

See you in the morning, Kenny.

0:42:110:42:15

Bright-tailed and bushy-eyed.

0:42:150:42:17

MUSIC: "20th Century Boy" by T Rex

0:42:200:42:23

# Friends say it's fine

0:42:230:42:25

# Friends say it's good

0:42:250:42:27

# Everybody says

0:42:270:42:29

# It's just like rock'n'roll... #

0:42:290:42:30

'And now, it's the nutty man the BBC tried to gag.

0:42:340:42:39

'It's the Kenny Everett show.'

0:42:410:42:44

Hello, you, this is me, and here's them, the nyungy 10cc.

0:42:440:42:49

Using you like spring lambs towards your grilled kippers.

0:42:490:42:53

CUES "I'm not in love" by 10cc

0:42:530:42:55

# I'm not in love

0:42:550:42:58

# So don't forget it

0:42:580:43:00

# It's just a silly phase I'm going through

0:43:020:43:07

# And just because

0:43:090:43:12

# I call you up

0:43:120:43:15

# Don't get me wrong

0:43:150:43:18

# Don't think you've got it made

0:43:180:43:21

# I'm not in love, no-no

0:43:230:43:28

# It's because

0:43:280:43:36

# I like to see you

0:43:380:43:41

# But then again

0:43:410:43:43

# That doesn't mean you mean that much to me... #

0:43:440:43:49

We're more like sisters, now, than husband and wife.

0:43:500:43:53

You're a chick and so am I.

0:43:550:43:58

# Don't tell your friends about the two of us

0:43:590:44:04

# I'm not in love, no-no

0:44:070:44:10

# It's because... #

0:44:120:44:16

I love you, but I fancy Burt Reynolds.

0:44:160:44:23

New breakfast jingle recording, take one.

0:44:420:44:46

# Oh, Lord on high please hear my prayer

0:44:580:45:02

# Watch over me whilst I'm on air

0:45:020:45:06

# Protecteth me from daft mistakes

0:45:060:45:09

# And keep me schtum in advert breaks. #

0:45:090:45:12

Ev.

0:45:140:45:16

Join the party, come in, come in, come in...

0:45:160:45:19

I am the man.

0:45:210:45:25

Do you ever sleep?

0:45:260:45:29

No, no. Busy, busy.

0:45:290:45:31

Pluggers to bribe, jingles to crochet.

0:45:310:45:35

The show is in six hours!

0:45:350:45:37

Which is why those lovely angels send down

0:45:370:45:41

"Sleepy-Bye-Bye Pills".

0:45:410:45:44

Will your wife not be worried?

0:45:440:45:46

No, she's all tucked up, early start in the morning.

0:45:460:45:49

She going away?

0:45:490:45:51

Chercher-ing "le country pile".

0:45:510:45:53

I get the "big smoke",

0:45:530:45:57

she gets to disappear up the A40 in search of goats and milk churns.

0:45:570:46:03

When is she back?

0:46:050:46:07

Course, this is what cuddly Ken wanted to happen but instead...

0:46:150:46:19

he now comes up with a whopping great porky pie.

0:46:190:46:22

At which we should have a butcher's.

0:46:220:46:25

..goats and milk churns.

0:46:270:46:30

You know, when we first met, she surrounded me until I caved in.

0:46:320:46:40

She's always trying to change me.

0:46:420:46:45

Sticking me up some Welsh mountain.

0:46:450:46:49

Forced me to churn out garbage, when I should have been here,

0:46:490:46:53

back in the saddle and now as soon as I am...

0:46:530:46:55

whoosh, she abandons me.

0:46:550:47:00

Leaves me all alone,

0:47:000:47:02

she disappears off in search of all this mumbo-jumbo.

0:47:020:47:07

The only thing I care about

0:47:080:47:11

is keeping you and I as far away from her as possible.

0:47:110:47:15

Ev...Ev...what are you doing?

0:47:150:47:21

Can't you see?

0:47:210:47:23

The signals.

0:47:230:47:27

It's you I love now.

0:47:270:47:29

What the fuck are you doing? What do you take me for?

0:47:320:47:35

You seem to have forgotten it was you who came after me!

0:47:530:47:57

And I don't need to be a medium to know that "mumbo-jumbo"

0:47:570:48:00

is going to be part of my life a lot longer than you will!

0:48:000:48:03

-Lee, I'm...

-Do you know what it feels like being betrayed?

0:48:030:48:06

And I mean by someone who you thought really loved you.

0:48:060:48:10

You swung an axe into me, Ev.

0:48:130:48:15

Right.

0:48:220:48:24

Well, I've gone along with this pantomime as long as I can.

0:48:240:48:28

But I won't be cast as the Wicked Witch.

0:48:300:48:34

Lee...

0:48:350:48:37

Lee!

0:48:370:48:39

MUSIC: "Speak to me" and "Breath" by Pink Floyd

0:48:480:48:53

I always knew you'd end up in a place like this.

0:49:080:49:12

Is it all right if I smoke in here?

0:49:120:49:14

Oh, God, you're such a downer!

0:49:140:49:17

Where's that doctor? he was cute.

0:49:170:49:19

I just want to be happy and jolly.

0:49:200:49:23

And you will be, once you stop chasing after straight men.

0:49:230:49:27

Take me with you to the Cotswolds.

0:49:270:49:30

No.

0:49:320:49:33

No, you'll be bored within five minutes.

0:49:330:49:36

Please!

0:49:360:49:37

HITS TUNING FORK

0:49:420:49:45

Sh! Sh!

0:49:480:49:50

HE SNORES

0:49:500:49:52

-Ev!

-Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

0:49:520:49:55

Sorry. This music's just making me want to wee!

0:49:590:50:03

I'm having a whale of a time.

0:50:030:50:07

Oh, don't, you'll get me blubbering.

0:50:070:50:08

SHE LAUGHS

0:50:080:50:09

Oh, no, shh, I like this bit. It's my favourite bit.

0:50:090:50:13

Oooooh!

0:50:130:50:16

Concentrate, concentrate!

0:50:160:50:19

Everything all right?

0:50:380:50:40

Yeah. Do you like your room?

0:50:400:50:43

Yeah, it's nice.

0:50:430:50:45

Are you sure you don't mind the single bed?

0:50:450:50:47

No.

0:50:470:50:49

Cos it's all right, you know,

0:50:490:50:51

if you ever feel the need... to come in here with me.

0:50:510:50:56

Just let me get better.

0:50:570:50:59

Yeah. Here you are.

0:51:010:51:04

Night.

0:51:070:51:09

Night.

0:51:090:51:11

I grabbed my putrid stench ray.

0:51:150:51:16

The stench was putrid but Ray didn't mind.

0:51:160:51:19

He grabbed his. It was a stand-off.

0:51:190:51:23

-Kill! Kill!

-You having fun?

0:51:230:51:26

My new space-serial, "Captain Kremmen of the Star Corps"!

0:51:300:51:34

An intergalactic superhero - tall, rugged, good with weaponry...

0:51:340:51:38

Everything I wished I could have been for you, basically.

0:51:380:51:42

Erm, that's my hairdryer.

0:51:420:51:45

Your Putron Stench Ray, actually.

0:51:450:51:49

Oh. And that's not our whisk, then?

0:51:490:51:51

Brain marmaliser. Works a treat on aliens.

0:51:510:51:55

You've got a funny way of convalescing, Ev.

0:51:550:51:59

I'm fine if I'm working.

0:51:590:52:01

The doctor said that you need

0:52:010:52:02

to try and find happiness elsewhere, though, didn't he?

0:52:020:52:06

I am happy. With you, I can take on the world.

0:52:060:52:10

I'd better get on with saving the universe.

0:52:130:52:17

Thanks for the tea.

0:52:200:52:22

Still behaving yourself?

0:52:240:52:26

-Ssh. Don't tell anyone.

-Sleeping better?

0:52:260:52:28

Look, no pills!

0:52:280:52:30

Flushed down the khazi with all the rest of the sewage.

0:52:300:52:33

We're all so happy to have you back, Ken.

0:52:330:52:36

Thanks for keeping my chair warm for me.

0:52:360:52:38

Now, listen to me, darling.

0:52:380:52:41

London, and Lee,

0:52:410:52:45

needs Kenny at his cuddly best!

0:52:450:52:47

No more overdoing things,

0:52:470:52:50

and lots of early nights, all right?

0:52:500:52:54

Lee! Lee!

0:52:560:52:57

Ah, you're awake...

0:52:570:53:00

Yeah, why wouldn't I be at three in the morning?

0:53:000:53:04

-Where have you been?

-Witnessing history.

0:53:040:53:07

You'll be history if you don't unplug!

0:53:070:53:09

You know me and running around.

0:53:090:53:11

You're supposed to be finding inner peace, Ev.

0:53:110:53:14

You're going to flip when you hear what I've found.

0:53:140:53:17

A pressie from the band, on pain of death

0:53:170:53:19

I wouldn't play it on air.

0:53:190:53:21

Five minutes, 56 seconds?

0:53:210:53:24

-Fred asked me if I thought it was too long.

-Who's Fred?

0:53:240:53:28

The lead singer.

0:53:280:53:30

Told him it could be half an hour long.

0:53:300:53:33

It's going to be number one for yonkerettes.

0:53:330:53:35

MUSIC: "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen

0:53:350:53:37

# And leave me to die

0:53:370:53:38

# Oh, baby

0:53:380:53:42

# Can't do this to me, baby

0:53:420:53:45

# Just got to get out

0:53:450:53:47

# Just got to get right out of here... #

0:53:470:53:50

That's the 14th time I've played this

0:53:500:53:52

and the phone is still trilling off the hook, you insatiable fiends!

0:53:520:53:55

What do you say we kidnap Lord EMI and scrungle his sticky-outy bits

0:53:550:53:59

until he agrees to release Bohemian Rhapsody as a single.

0:53:590:54:03

You, me, Queen know it makes sense!

0:54:030:54:07

# Ooh, ooh

0:54:070:54:12

# Ooh, yeah Ooh, yeah

0:54:120:54:16

# Nothing really matters

0:54:240:54:28

# Anyone can see

0:54:280:54:31

# Nothing really matters

0:54:310:54:35

# Nothing really matters to me... #

0:54:350:54:42

Hello and welcome to tonight's Kenny Everett...

0:54:540:54:58

Sorry, Kenny, not quite there.

0:54:580:55:00

What wasn't?

0:55:000:55:02

-You wandered out of shot again.

-I didn't, did I?

0:55:020:55:05

Come back, Hughie Green, all is forgiven.

0:55:050:55:07

Pick it up, Kenny.

0:55:070:55:10

WHISPERS: Hello.

0:55:100:55:13

Hello, and welcome to tonight's Kenny Everett Video Show,

0:55:150:55:19

starring Kenny Everett as himself!

0:55:190:55:21

Tonight, we will be...

0:55:210:55:22

Hold it! Ken, you're not quite hitting your mark.

0:55:220:55:25

My what?

0:55:250:55:27

If you come too far forward, you'll go soft.

0:55:270:55:29

I bet you say that to all the boys!

0:55:290:55:32

OK, we're still rolling. And in your own time...

0:55:320:55:36

Look, the powers-that-be did give me a script. In fact, here it is.

0:55:450:55:50

But I'm rubbish at learning lines, so...

0:55:500:55:54

You're not meant to see this bit,

0:55:560:55:57

but I'm supposed to stand here like a little garden gnome.

0:55:570:56:01

Yes, folks - the actual gaffer tape used by Benny Hill just last week!

0:56:010:56:06

These are the production values, the levels of professionalism

0:56:060:56:11

and creative thinking behind the shambles replacing

0:56:110:56:13

Opportunity Knocks every Monday night!

0:56:130:56:16

I can only apologise

0:56:160:56:17

to Mrs Mary Hinge from Sutton Coldfield,

0:56:170:56:21

and here to assuage your disenchantment, dear lady,

0:56:210:56:26

may I present to you...

0:56:260:56:27

the Boomtown Rats!

0:56:270:56:32

I thought we were supposed to be recording a music show?

0:56:330:56:36

That was brilliant. Right! Moving on, everyone...

0:56:360:56:39

A most unlikely TV star is created.

0:56:390:56:43

Everett's televisual potpourri goes on to triumph in 20 countries.

0:56:430:56:48

And attracting millions more adoring aficionados.

0:56:480:56:52

Monday nights will never be the same again.

0:56:520:56:55

I bet you don't eve know what "medium" means.

0:56:550:56:58

Somewhere between "small" and "large"?

0:56:580:57:00

Wrong. It means "antenna".

0:57:000:57:03

Who'd have thunked it? The two of us in broadcasting!

0:57:030:57:07

You're not too far wide of the mark, there, actually.

0:57:070:57:10

Except you transmit and I am a receiver.

0:57:100:57:13

Picking up signals from the spirit!

0:57:130:57:17

Very good. You are learning.

0:57:170:57:20

Yep, they've told me it's going to take a couple of years

0:57:200:57:23

but I'm determined to develop this gift that they've told me I've got,

0:57:230:57:27

and then share it with anyone who needs it.

0:57:270:57:30

-Like a professional?

-Like a natural.

0:57:300:57:34

-I'm so proud of you.

-Now he tells me!

0:57:340:57:38

So, what about you? Come on, Mr Big TV Star.

0:57:380:57:41

Ridiculous, given these legs!

0:57:410:57:43

-Oh, give over.

-I don't like looking at myself in a mirror.

0:57:430:57:46

It's a miracle the viewers don't feel the same.

0:57:460:57:49

Erm, she's the Virgin Mary.

0:57:510:57:53

And he's the one with the face for radio.

0:57:530:57:56

Thank you.

0:57:570:57:59

To you!

0:58:030:58:05

No, to you.

0:58:070:58:09

Hello, you friends of Dorothy out there.

0:58:090:58:14

Sidney Aloysius Snot, 'ere.

0:58:140:58:17

Introducing to you a very special day

0:58:170:58:19

in the social calendar of this great nation of ours.

0:58:190:58:23

As you know, upcoming is the British Eurovision Violence Contest

0:58:230:58:29

and 'ere, Ladies and Gentleman, allow me to introduce to you

0:58:290:58:33

the British contender in said contest,

0:58:330:58:36

Freddie - Good start - Mercury!

0:58:360:58:39

Ladies and Gentlemen.

0:58:390:58:42

Do your stuff, Fred!

0:58:420:58:44

The Kenny Everett Video Show!

0:58:480:58:51

From now on, Treasure,

0:58:510:58:53

you'll require endless primping.

0:58:530:58:56

The finest nosh and plonk... Thank you.

0:58:560:58:59

..shits and giggles, frequent nibbling,

0:58:590:59:02

constant draining,

0:59:020:59:03

and it still won't be enough.

0:59:030:59:05

If only our acolytes shared our pain.

0:59:050:59:08

Ev? Would you like us to leave?

0:59:110:59:13

Me and Freddie.

0:59:130:59:14

So you and your friend can be on your own?

0:59:140:59:18

He was just being attentive.

0:59:210:59:22

You don't say!

0:59:220:59:24

-Bloody good service, I thought.

-Please! I'm gagging on my risotto.

0:59:250:59:28

Courage, mon brave. At least this one's a poof.

0:59:280:59:32

One small step for Everett...

0:59:320:59:35

And how would Lady Lee feel about a giant leap?

0:59:350:59:39

If you love someone, set them free.

0:59:410:59:44

Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

0:59:450:59:47

I gave Mary a copy when we started dating.

0:59:470:59:51

You've never told me how...Mary...

0:59:510:59:54

How? She cottoned on?

0:59:540:59:56

Well, we'd been together for six years.

0:59:560:59:59

I told her that I thought I might have been bisexual.

0:59:591:00:02

But she assured me I was gay.

1:00:021:00:05

Lee won't stop loving you, Kenny.

1:00:091:00:12

Excuse me, waiter? Sorry!

1:00:121:00:15

Sorry.

1:00:151:00:16

My husband has a question for you.

1:00:161:00:19

Could I see the dessert trolley?

1:00:221:00:24

Could he buy you a drink?

1:00:241:00:26

We're all going dancing.

1:00:261:00:29

Bring your sequined slippers.

1:00:291:00:30

Sure, why not?

1:00:301:00:33

That'd be nice.

1:00:331:00:35

Congratulations, Kenny.

1:00:371:00:40

Your wife just pulled your first boyfriend.

1:00:401:00:42

MUSIC: "Good Times" by Chic.

1:00:421:00:44

# These are the good times

1:00:441:00:47

# Leave your cares behind

1:00:491:00:52

# These are the good times

1:00:541:00:56

# Good times

1:00:591:01:01

# These are the good times

1:01:021:01:05

# Our new state of mind

1:01:061:01:09

# These are the good times... #

1:01:101:01:14

GLASS SMASHES

1:01:171:01:18

All right, all right!

1:01:181:01:20

I met him at a party. And we've had a few drinks since.

1:01:201:01:24

-How many drinks?

-Just one or two.

1:01:241:01:25

He's going through a very, very painful divorce.

1:01:251:01:28

That old conker!

1:01:281:01:29

Well, at least he's honest.

1:01:291:01:31

An actor?! Not even that - an extra from Z-Cars!

1:01:321:01:36

It's The Sweeney, actually. And John is a main character!

1:01:361:01:40

"John is a main..."

1:01:401:01:41

You just hate the fact that I feel other people's pain

1:01:411:01:44

and I want to help them find a way out from it.

1:01:441:01:46

-Not the point.

-Well, then, what is the point?

1:01:461:01:49

He's a bloke!

1:01:491:01:50

Isn't yours?

1:01:541:01:55

It's not the same.

1:01:581:01:59

So, you can meet new men,

1:02:041:02:07

but I can't?

1:02:071:02:09

Is that what you're saying to me?

1:02:091:02:11

You know what? You can clean up your own mess.

1:02:201:02:23

So, what can I get you?

1:02:351:02:39

Ooh!

1:02:401:02:41

CLICKS TONGUE

1:02:431:02:47

Ah! Dom Perignon.

1:02:501:02:53

Ev!

1:02:531:02:54

No, he's right.

1:02:541:02:56

This is a cause for celebration.

1:02:561:03:00

Me rescuing you from him.

1:03:001:03:02

Worth a bottle of DP in anyone's book,

1:03:021:03:04

don't you reckon? Be right back.

1:03:041:03:06

Dying to experience the priceless Everett wit

1:03:061:03:09

I've heard so much about.

1:03:091:03:10

Have an olive.

1:03:101:03:12

Well, I was going to ask him his prospects.

1:03:191:03:21

Trying not to punch you in the nose!

1:03:231:03:25

Well, I'm sure I can help him with that.

1:03:291:03:32

-Five minutes, Kenny.

-Thanks.

1:03:381:03:41

Ecoutez et repetez -

1:03:411:03:44

Lee and Kenny are over.

1:03:441:03:48

Lee and Kenny are over.

1:03:481:03:51

And Kenny must move on.

1:03:511:03:54

Even though she found me my new flat?

1:03:571:03:58

And I still pay her to cook my dinners?

1:03:581:04:00

She grants me unlimited access to her Indesit Automatic!

1:04:001:04:02

And helps me fend off the press...

1:04:021:04:04

Sh!

1:04:041:04:06

She and John reckon I'll only find a true happiness

1:04:061:04:09

until I've spilt the beans.

1:04:091:04:12

Those of us in regal circles prefer "coming out", my dear.

1:04:121:04:15

Oh! The very thought!

1:04:151:04:17

OK.

1:04:171:04:19

Start with your family.

1:04:191:04:21

Like I said - stop hiding.

1:04:231:04:26

Ooh!

1:04:261:04:28

You bloody poof!

1:04:281:04:30

How many?

1:04:301:04:32

15 million, at the last count.

1:04:331:04:35

Imagine that, Tom. 15 million people watching our Maurice.

1:04:351:04:39

And we got a complaint from Mary Whitehouse.

1:04:401:04:43

How fantastic is that?

1:04:431:04:44

Things couldn't be going any better.

1:04:481:04:50

So, how did you two become friends?

1:04:551:04:58

Lee introduced us.

1:05:011:05:04

-Where is Lee?

-Isn't she joining us?

1:05:041:05:07

How should I know?

1:05:081:05:10

She's your wife.

1:05:101:05:13

Not any more.

1:05:161:05:19

A married man?

1:05:271:05:29

My nan will be gutted.

1:05:291:05:31

And him sharing his birthday with the baby Jesus!

1:05:321:05:36

If it makes him happy, why not?

1:05:361:05:38

Meals on heels!

1:05:411:05:44

Right. Chilli con carne, Lobster bisque, Lancashire hotpot...

1:05:441:05:50

Big night ahead?

1:05:501:05:51

Catching "Deer Hunter".

1:05:511:05:53

Yeah, and then din-dins at Peppermint Park.

1:05:531:05:55

-How much?

-Ten quid, plus an extra fiver for the lobster.

1:05:551:06:00

I meant for the Yeti.

1:06:001:06:01

None of your bloody business.

1:06:011:06:03

Twelve hundred?

1:06:031:06:06

Sixteen.

1:06:061:06:07

And her - the animal-lover!

1:06:071:06:09

Don't get sanctimonious on me!

1:06:101:06:12

Sixteen hundred would vanish up your nose in a week!

1:06:121:06:14

This'll still be keeping me warm in thirty years.

1:06:141:06:18

Well, I hope you'll both be very happy together.

1:06:181:06:21

You cannot bear the idea of me making it on my own, can you?

1:06:211:06:24

That my little world can revolve without you at its centre.

1:06:241:06:29

Well, it did, it can, and it bloody well does!

1:06:291:06:32

Ev?

1:06:361:06:37

What is up with you, Ev?

1:06:411:06:43

Philip and I don't laugh like you and I used to.

1:06:451:06:47

Oh, for crying out loud.

1:06:471:06:49

I feel straighter now than I was before!

1:06:491:06:51

You're doing it again -

1:06:511:06:52

you're kyboshing things once they start going well for you.

1:06:521:06:55

I just feels like I've gained a nice, sensible boyfriend

1:06:551:06:59

and I've lost...

1:06:591:07:01

A what? Mother?

1:07:011:07:03

Sister? Psychiatric nurse? Addiction counsellor?

1:07:031:07:06

-Press officer? Nod when you think I've hit the nail on the head.

-You.

1:07:061:07:10

There are so many wonderful things happening for me - John,

1:07:131:07:19

my counselling work and...

1:07:191:07:21

I want to share all that with you, but I...

1:07:211:07:23

..I can't be a life-line to you any more.

1:07:251:07:27

If we're going to remain friends,

1:07:291:07:30

I think we need to cut it - officially.

1:07:301:07:34

We're soul mates.

1:07:351:07:38

Just got our sexes wrong, eh?

1:07:391:07:42

So, I told my boyfriend last night

1:07:581:08:00

that I could count the number of guys I'd dated on one hand.

1:08:001:08:03

And he says, "Cupid, put down that calculator!"

1:08:031:08:07

I tell him he's got to be more communicative.

1:08:081:08:11

He points to his crotch replying,

1:08:111:08:13

"Honey, I do all my talkin' with this".

1:08:131:08:15

Well, I take one look and I tell him,

1:08:151:08:18

"You really don't have much to say, do you, Cowboy?"

1:08:181:08:21

What the hey! Men are like sticks of gum.

1:08:211:08:24

Spit one out, and start chewing on another.

1:08:241:08:26

Not that I'm a floosie, or nothing.

1:08:261:08:28

I'm Cupid Stunt, major Hollywood B-movie starlet

1:08:281:08:31

doing everything she can to get given her head.

1:08:311:08:34

And I'm telling you, Michael,

1:08:341:08:36

everything I do is always done in the best possible taste!

1:08:361:08:39

So, have we thought any more about our little chat?

1:08:421:08:47

The right moment never seems to come.

1:08:471:08:50

Trust me, it will.

1:08:501:08:52

When?

1:08:521:08:54

Well, once you find the appropriate platform.

1:08:541:08:58

Yours?

1:08:581:09:00

The NME. Told them I was "as gay as a daffodil".

1:09:001:09:04

A month later, Queen had their first top-ten hit.

1:09:041:09:08

Actually, there might be something coming up.

1:09:081:09:13

Michael Winner's asked me to play Wembley.

1:09:131:09:16

ON PA: "Rule Brittania"

1:09:201:09:24

Ken, Ken, Ken. Look, there's nothing to worry about.

1:09:241:09:28

I'm having second thoughts.

1:09:281:09:30

Have you seen that podium? Monkhouse, Tarby, Ted Rogers...

1:09:301:09:34

Talk about raising your game!

1:09:341:09:36

I think I'm gong to raise my lunch!

1:09:361:09:38

We're all delighted you've agreed to help us out.

1:09:381:09:40

It's a shrewd career move.

1:09:401:09:44

As I tell every great star I direct -

1:09:441:09:47

"We've got a script. Let's stick to it!"

1:09:471:09:52

Sing out, Louise!

1:09:521:09:54

Just rattle through your night and try not to bump into Norman Tebbit.

1:10:011:10:04

Good afternoon.

1:10:091:10:10

It's a great pleasure, Ladies and Gentlemen,

1:10:101:10:13

to present one of this country's great political thinkers,

1:10:131:10:17

Mr Kenny Everett!

1:10:171:10:19

APPLAUSE

1:10:191:10:24

I'm not sure I am a Conservative.

1:10:311:10:33

THEY BOO

1:10:331:10:35

Sure, I was browned off with Labour when they scuppered the pirate ships,

1:10:351:10:39

detest Arthur Scargill and love having coppers in my piggy bank,

1:10:391:10:42

but if it's all right with you, I think I'll keep my options open.

1:10:421:10:48

However, there is one thing that I am absolutely certain of,

1:10:481:10:55

and I would love to share that with you today...

1:10:551:10:58

I...

1:10:581:11:00

am...

1:11:001:11:02

GAY!

1:11:021:11:04

Ah, don't you just love the smell of a fertile imagination?

1:11:041:11:08

Two words, darling, Kenny - "If" and "only".

1:11:081:11:12

Let's Bomb Russia!

1:11:151:11:18

THEY CHEER

1:11:181:11:20

Let's kick Michael Foot's stick away!

1:11:201:11:22

LOUDER CHEER

1:11:221:11:24

You know, I was chatting to Maggie the other day.

1:11:261:11:29

We were having one of our little teas, and I said to her, I said,

1:11:291:11:32

"Maggie, you're rolling that joint all wrong!"

1:11:321:11:35

I so wanted to use their "Nuremburg Rally" to come out.

1:11:351:11:40

You did. As a Tory.

1:11:401:11:42

It was a showbiz favour, not a Party Political Broadcast!

1:11:421:11:47

'Can I come over?'

1:11:471:11:49

Well, erm...

1:11:501:11:53

actually, John and I have got plans.

1:11:531:11:56

Quiet night in?

1:11:561:11:57

If you must know, it's supper with Elton and Renata.

1:11:571:12:01

Love's young dream?

1:12:011:12:03

Come on, snap yourself out of it!

1:12:031:12:05

Your right!

1:12:071:12:10

It's time Cuddly Ken pulled himself up by the bootstraps -

1:12:101:12:14

whatever they may be.

1:12:141:12:16

-It's time he took action!

-And what might that be?

1:12:161:12:20

To begin with, more gin!

1:12:201:12:24

-Lagoons of it!

-Then what?

1:12:241:12:26

To be continued...

1:12:261:12:29

Those Hacienda heart-throbs, New Order there,

1:12:291:12:31

rounding us up like an old sheepdog and pointing us in the direction

1:12:311:12:36

of Cuddly Ken's thought-ette of the day.

1:12:361:12:40

When England was a kingdom we had a king,

1:12:401:12:43

when we were an empire we had an emperor.

1:12:431:12:47

Now we're a country we have... Margaret Thatcher!

1:12:471:12:52

# Relax, don't do it

1:12:551:12:58

# When you want to, go do it

1:12:581:13:00

# Relax, don't do it

1:13:001:13:02

# When you want to come

1:13:021:13:04

# Relax, don't do it

1:13:041:13:06

# When you want to suck, do it

1:13:061:13:08

# Relax, don't do it

1:13:081:13:12

# When you want to come

1:13:121:13:13

# When you want to come

1:13:161:13:18

# Relax, don't do it... #

1:13:211:13:23

Come on, then, a toast.

1:13:271:13:29

Bottoms up...

1:13:291:13:31

FALSETTO: Tingle, tingle, tingle.

1:13:311:13:34

I'm so happy for you both.

1:13:351:13:37

Cheers.

1:13:371:13:39

And you will come, won't you?

1:13:391:13:41

If I can find a hat big enough.

1:13:411:13:44

So, when is the "royal wedding"?

1:13:441:13:47

Valentine's Day.

1:13:491:13:50

We wanted you to be the first to know.

1:13:501:13:53

We also thought the timing might help things.

1:13:531:13:56

"Things"?

1:13:561:13:57

Come on, now, Ev. When me and John get wed,

1:13:571:14:00

the press are going to make your life a misery.

1:14:001:14:03

-So, what else is new?

-Hit them with a pre-emptive strike.

1:14:031:14:06

Yeah. How do you think your fans would feel if one of your mates

1:14:061:14:08

shopped you first and made himself a fortune in the bargain?

1:14:081:14:12

-They wouldn't.

-How can you be so sure?

1:14:121:14:15

Because they're all my lovely friends!

1:14:151:14:18

Kenny, querido, everyone is asking for you. "Hi."

1:14:181:14:21

Hi.

1:14:211:14:22

They're playing our song, OK? Come dance.

1:14:221:14:25

Pepe. A friend of Nikolai's.

1:14:261:14:29

Oh, yeah, your Soviet soldier.

1:14:291:14:33

You're getting a new husband. Why can't I?

1:14:331:14:36

You can! That's what I want that for you, you know it is.

1:14:361:14:39

We just think there are better places to find one

1:14:391:14:42

than in a dark room.

1:14:421:14:43

Well, the mirror ball is calling, I better go and strut my stuff.

1:14:481:14:51

It's a dangerous game, Ev.

1:14:511:14:54

What? Dancing?

1:14:541:14:57

Russian Roulette.

1:14:571:14:59

Thanks for the bubbles, John!

1:15:021:15:04

MUSIC: "Freedom" (Acoustic Cover version) by Wham

1:15:041:15:06

# Every day I hear a different story

1:15:141:15:19

# People saying that you're no good for me

1:15:201:15:25

# Saw your lover with another

1:15:251:15:29

# And she's making a fool of you

1:15:291:15:33

# If you loved me, baby you'd deny it

1:15:361:15:41

# But you just laugh and tell me I should try it

1:15:411:15:46

# Tell me I'm a baby

1:15:461:15:50

# And I don't understand

1:15:501:15:54

# But you know that I'll forgive you

1:15:561:16:02

# Just once, or twice, for ever

1:16:021:16:06

# Cos, you could take me to hell and back

1:16:081:16:12

# Just as long as we're together

1:16:121:16:17

# And you do

1:16:171:16:20

# I don't want your freedom

1:16:241:16:29

# I don't want to play around

1:16:291:16:34

# I don't want nobodies, baby

1:16:341:16:40

# Part-time love just brings me down

1:16:401:16:45

# I don't want your freedom

1:16:451:16:51

# Girl, all I want right now is you

1:16:531:16:57

# I'm like a prisoner who's got his own key

1:17:171:17:23

# But I can't escape until you love me

1:17:231:17:28

# I just go from day to day

1:17:281:17:31

# Knowing all about the other boys

1:17:311:17:34

# You take my hand and tell me I'm a fool

1:17:381:17:43

# To give you all that I do

1:17:431:17:47

# I bet you, some day, baby, someone says the same to you

1:17:481:17:56

# But you know that I'll forgive you

1:17:581:18:04

# Just once, or twice, for ever... #

1:18:041:18:08

All right, you lot, I've asked you here in order to quash any rumours,

1:18:081:18:11

and there's nowt wrong with a good quashing.

1:18:111:18:14

So who's first?

1:18:141:18:15

Are you and your ex-wife still friends since your divorce?

1:18:151:18:17

Absolutely, yes.

1:18:171:18:19

Did you not consider it strange

1:18:191:18:20

-being the Best Man to your ex-wife's new husband?

-Nope. Next.

1:18:201:18:23

Are you a homosexual?

1:18:231:18:25

The word is you're sharing your flat with a man.

1:18:271:18:29

How absolutely dare you!

1:18:321:18:35

I'm sharing my flat with two men!

1:18:351:18:37

And here they are...

1:18:371:18:40

Say "pree-vyet" to Nikolai...

1:18:401:18:43

Kenny's own little stab at glasnost!

1:18:431:18:45

And "hola" to Pepe...

1:18:451:18:47

Spain's greatest undiscovered sculptor!

1:18:471:18:49

Aren't they dreamy? And they're all mine!

1:18:491:18:51

Take Cuddly Ken's word for it, darlings,

1:18:511:18:54

two husbands are so much better than one!

1:18:541:18:56

All right, that's all, folks!

1:18:591:19:01

Oh, Kenny! Kenny, come on!

1:19:011:19:03

Just a few more questions.

1:19:031:19:04

Kenny, just a few more minutes.

1:19:041:19:07

HE SIGHS

1:19:081:19:10

Para nuestro soldado valiente.

1:19:151:19:17

You are the hero now.

1:19:191:19:21

MUSIC: "How soon is now" by The Smiths

1:19:241:19:27

It ain't beyond the realms of possibility that my mate,

1:19:561:20:00

Kelly Enema, and not those tag nuts having a pop at him,

1:20:001:20:03

might be the one who has the last laugh.

1:20:031:20:06

I bleeding well hope so.

1:20:061:20:09

Was that an insane thing to do?

1:20:091:20:11

You? Insane?

1:20:111:20:13

I did it, Lee.

1:20:131:20:14

I actually did it!

1:20:161:20:18

And so spectacularly. You came out of that closet on a trapeze!

1:20:181:20:23

And are you glad?

1:20:231:20:25

I'm everything. I'm...confused, relieved, blissful, terrified...

1:20:251:20:31

And now I've realised there's more to life

1:20:311:20:33

than shocking the Great British public or dropping

1:20:331:20:37

a needle on Madonna.

1:20:371:20:38

YES!

1:20:381:20:40

And don't say, "I told you so".

1:20:401:20:42

As if I would say that...

1:20:421:20:44

Now listen to me.

1:20:441:20:46

It's going be touch and go with the press for the next couple of days.

1:20:461:20:49

You'd better get your arse down here.

1:20:491:20:51

-To hide?

-Don't be a nelly!

1:20:511:20:53

We're throwing you a coming out party!

1:20:531:20:57

Conquering his own irrational fears,

1:20:591:21:01

Cuddly Ken proves himself even cuddlier

1:21:011:21:04

in the hearts and minds of 20 million viewers.

1:21:041:21:08

And yet, what of his art, one might ask?..

1:21:081:21:11

Fuck art, let's dance!

1:21:111:21:13

MUSIC: "You Spin Me Round" by Dead Or Alive

1:21:131:21:15

# ..right round Like a record, baby,

1:21:151:21:18

# Right round, round, round

1:21:181:21:19

# You spin me right round, baby, right round

1:21:191:21:23

# Like a record, baby,

1:21:231:21:24

# Right round, round, round... #

1:21:241:21:26

APPLAUSE

1:21:261:21:28

Best bash of my life.

1:21:541:21:55

Should be, took 40 years to organise.

1:21:551:21:59

I owe you one.

1:21:591:22:01

One?!

1:22:011:22:02

This erm...this arrangement with Nikolai and Pepe.

1:22:141:22:20

No, should I be worried?

1:22:201:22:22

About what?

1:22:221:22:24

No-one wants to stop you having fun

1:22:241:22:26

but I really need to know that you're looking after yourself.

1:22:261:22:29

You've cleared yourself a way to be happy for the rest of your life.

1:22:291:22:33

If only I looked that far ahead.

1:22:331:22:35

No-one's Peter Pan, Ev. Not even you.

1:22:351:22:38

The tongues will start wagging if we don't get back inside.

1:22:471:22:50

Looks like your old tulip tree.

1:22:531:22:57

Yeah, cos it is.

1:22:571:22:59

The one that got us into all this trouble?

1:23:001:23:04

Every time I move, I take a cutting and re-grow it.

1:23:041:23:07

Eternal life.

1:23:101:23:12

Hope so.

1:23:141:23:16

MUSIC: "Sleepy Lagoon" by Eric Coates

1:23:251:23:28

'If I ever do die,

1:23:281:23:32

'I think that as I'm hoiked aloft

1:23:321:23:36

'in a ray of God's lovely sunbeam.

1:23:361:23:40

'I think I'd like this to be on the gramophone as I go.'

1:23:401:23:43

MUSIC: "Preludio Sinfornico" by Puccini

1:23:431:23:48

'It's just beautiful.

1:23:481:23:50

'It's a beauty. It's just liquid loveliness.

1:23:501:23:56

'Puccini is God.

1:23:561:23:59

'God with knobs on.'

1:23:591:24:02

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

1:25:521:25:55

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