Loving Miss Hatto


Loving Miss Hatto

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Joyce wasn't a big fan of eulogies.

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She wasn't interested in what people thought about her.

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She used to say,

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"I play the music, and that's enough."

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But since she died,

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a huge number of people have talked about her

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and what her music meant to the world

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and - sorry, Joyce - just to give you a tiny flavour.

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Radio Three called her musicality an inspiration.

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"A virtuoso with an awesome pianistic technique."

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The Independent, "I know of no pianist in the world

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"who is her superior, musically or technically."

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And some people have said how sad it was

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that illness cut short her concert career

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and that her recording success came so late in life.

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Joyce didn't say that.

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She wasn't interested in success,

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she was only interested in the music.

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Joyce Hatto doesn't matter, she would say,

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it's only the music that matters.

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So I'm going to shut up now.

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I can imagine Joycey looking down saying, "Get on with it, Barrie."

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I'll leave you with the most important bit of Joyce.

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The music.

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MUSIC: "Piano Concerto No 1" by Rachmaninov

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Just one picture, please!

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PHONE RINGS

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'Hi, Barrie - James Inverne again. I'm sorry about the tabloids,

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'we had no choice but to publish the story.

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'I'm afraid we now have even more evidence about Joyce's recordings.

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'I suggest you call me. Thanks.'

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This is Barrington-Coupe here. I'm prepared to talk.

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Give you the whole story.

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MUSIC: "Piano Concerto No 1" by Rachmaninoff

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She's jolly good.

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She's not a student, is she?

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Yes. Joyce Hatto.

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She must be going places.

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Well, girls - they always have that toss up about babies, don't they?

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Lovely.

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No, I agree, she's one to watch.

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Very, very good! Well done, Miss Hatto.

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A round of applause, boys, please, for our rehearsal pianist.

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-Golly, sorry.

-No, no, it's my fault, sorry.

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-I forgot I was holding them.

-Oh, Lord, are they all out of order?

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Oh, I'll sort them out.

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I'm Barrie, by the way.

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Barrington-Coupe. Barrie. Either... "Eether". You say potahto.

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-And I know who you are - obviously.

-Do you want a hand?

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No, no, no, I'm used to wrestling with chunks of music.

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I work for a music publishers. Hence my manly physique!

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Mr Coupe, when they're in order I'll have them, thank you.

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Two ticks, Miss Guisely. Just wrestling with them.

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That was brilliant, by the way.

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I'm just the rehearsal dogsbody, not needed on voyage.

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Oh, well, it won't get any better tonight - it couldn't.

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That was just...

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It was very moving.

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We aim to please.

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You wouldn't fancy a cup of tea or something, I suppose, would you?

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Well, I suppose I could. As long as I get the bus by...

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I don't know any places. I'm... I'm a Thermos kind of girl.

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I'm sure we could strike out and find somewhere.

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Mr Coupe, lovely to see you and all that

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-but I was rather hoping you might bring me up the music...

-Sorry.

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..which, I believe, was the reason for your visit?

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I bet you've had all the agents sniffing around, haven't you?

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Oh, no, I haven't, really.

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I haven't really had any big recitals.

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I'm not really one of the sort of chosen few.

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-The golden boys?

-Yes!

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Some of them have concert tours booked

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and they haven't even graduated.

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You could do a concert tour.

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Liszt.

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I bet you're brilliant at Liszt.

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Go on, you love him, don't you?

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Oh, I do love him.

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BOTH: And Chopin!

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SHE GIGGLES

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I have this mad urge to do the Godowsky Variations.

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Do you know them?

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No, I do know them. I'd love to hear you play them.

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Well, come back to me in about ten years, then.

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Actually, I sort of think

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I play a little bit better when no-one's listening.

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Not much of a career, playing in the front room!

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I'd love to do the whole concert thing,

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but you have to be pretty tough.

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No, you don't need to be tough, you just need someone in your corner

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who'll do all the tough stuff for you.

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I don't really have too many people in my corner.

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Well, um...

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I'm all for love's young dream, but some of us have got homes to go to.

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Seems a bit peculiar, why are you auditioning for a French man?

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French genius.

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Alfred Cortot is going to take five of us next term, one-on-one.

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We're all going to play and he's going to choose his five.

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Five's not many.

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Barrie thinks I'm in with a chance.

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He thinks Cortot and I are very sympathique!

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Oh, so, this was BARRIE'S suggestion?

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You don't have to say his name like you're holding it with tongs.

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I'm not sure that I approve of all this boosting you up.

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If that's viscose it'll need a cloth.

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Where's the bottle?

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Barrie thinks I have a future doing big concerts.

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Barrie didn't see you run off the stage with nerves

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at the Chelsea Town Hall.

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That was years ago.

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Sleeves first.

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Or sit there like a rabbit in headlights at that charity do.

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Oh, I was mortified.

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Barrie and I are working on that.

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What exactly is he, this Barrie?

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He's a classical music impresario.

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You want to talk to Daddy about music people.

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Daddy's a baker, what does he know about music people?

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Remember the Beverley Sisters' wedding cake

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and all those shenanigans?

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They were music people, if you call that music.

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I think he sounds wily, this Barrie.

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You can't go living on compliments.

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Sorry, sorry, I'm late. Shirt collar debacle. What time's kick off?

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Cortot's gone in. I should go and warm up.

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-Are you ready for this ordeal?

-Yes, I'll see you in there, Erich!

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I'll see you in there!

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He's German.

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Joyce, you can absolutely do this.

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Keep your eye on the prize - learning from Cortot.

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This is your big chance, Joyce.

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Keep telling yourself - you deserve this.

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Oh, Lord, now I'm getting emotional!

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PIANO PLAYS

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Thank you, Robert. And can we have Joyce Hatto, please?

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Playing?

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Sorry?

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You are playing?

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Oh, sorry. Schumann. Fantasie Opus 17.

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Sorry...

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SHE PLAYS

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Sorry, I just need to...

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SHE STUMBLES OVER THE NOTES

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SHE HITS SOME WRONG NOTES

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OK. So Cortot's a blithering idiot

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and he's picked five no-hopers who won't threaten him, but...

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how'd it go for you?

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How much did you hear?

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Me? I never even went into the college.

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Well, I was pretty pleased.

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-Good!

-Couple of bishes, but the emotion was there.

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That's what probably scared him off, all that womanly passion!

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Steady the buffs! Old Erich didn't get through either.

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Well, frog's not going to pick a Kraut, is he?

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Anyway, this time next year, Miss Hatto,

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you can forget that bunch of desiccated old shirt-lifters,

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because you will be under the care

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of Barrington-Coupe Artistes Management

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and you will be heading straight for the stratosphere.

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-Fancy a bun?

-Oh, yes, I love buns.

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I'm not sure you should be signing a contract

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without showing it to your father.

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What does Daddy know about artists' management? Nothing!

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He knows about invoices.

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Yes.

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This isn't an invoice, it's a management agreement.

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Between me and Mr Barrington-Coupe.

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It's not an order for two-dozen coffee eclairs.

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What's he going to do, this Barrington-Coupe,

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once you've signed it?

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-He's going to manage my career.

-Your teaching?

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I'm not doing teaching! How many more times...

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I mean, I might do a bit of teaching,

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but basically I'll be building up my concert profile

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and if you don't want to witness my signature

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then I'll take it to Barrie's office

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and get one of the girls there to do it.

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Sorry to have bothered you.

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Morning, Joyce.

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Sorry, excuse me,

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I was just looking for Mr Barrington-Coupe's office

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-and I only have his card from when he was working here.

-Barrie?

-Yes.

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I wasn't sure where his new offices were.

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He doesn't have another office, but I think he's in now.

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-He's here?

-No, he'll be on the fifth floor.

-It's his late morning.

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PHONE RINGS

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Seidelman Music Publishing.

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I know, that was my posh voice!

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TOILET FLUSHES

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I was looking for your office.

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Is this where you live?

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The thing is...

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The girl didn't seem to know anything about a new office.

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And I thought you lived in Henley.

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-Look, Joyce...

-No, I don't think I will look, thank you.

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Because I seem to be looking at a liar

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and someone who's made a pretty good idiot out of me by buttering me up.

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Why did you say you could help my career?

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What on earth did you think you were playing at?

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Because I can help your career.

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Managing someone's career is about passion and instinct and empathy,

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and I've got all that.

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And no, I don't have filing cabinets and switchboards.

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-But you said you did!

-Because I will have!

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I visualise things and then I make them happen.

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And now I've ballsed it all up.

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So, yes, I'm a liar.

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Live in one horrible room.

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It's my mother who lives in Henley

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and she's not very keen on me.

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And I saw something in you and I wanted to make it work for you

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and I got a bit ahead of myself

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because I could see it all so clearly.

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And I am heartbroken that I've messed it all up.

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Oh, Lord, don't cry.

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Well, I will cry.

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Because I can't bear that I've lost you.

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Do you really believe in me as a pianist?

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No question.

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I'm sorry for the muddle.

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Be careful going down the stairs, they've got a bit of a dip in them.

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You're a lovely girl, Joyce.

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Hardly. I've got wonky hair!

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That's what your mother makes you see, that's not what I see.

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You're lovely.

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And you're sweet. And funny.

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That's what I see anyway. Or did see.

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We can't have any more muddles.

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We won't.

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Scout's honour.

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-Were you a Scout?

-No.

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Thought not.

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Can you make tea?

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Oh, yeah.

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I'll, erm... I'll get the milk.

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I'll, erm, I'll just get the milk.

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That's enough, Horace. Three's enough.

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-Shall I get someone to take the four of us?

-No, don't go bothering people.

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Excuse me. Sorry, daughter's wedding.

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Are you sure you don't want to go out for a nice supper?

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No, honestly, we've got so much to do at the house.

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-Wallpapering waits for no man.

-Oh, are you waiting for a man?

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We could have given you the name of a man.

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No, no, we're going to do it ourselves.

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-I thought you were waiting for a man.

-Say cheese.

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-Or should it be Tchaikovsky?

-Don't try and be funny, Horace.

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Your case is upstairs, Mrs BC.

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Do you, er, fancy turning in?

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Yes, yes, let's go up.

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Did I, erm... Did I hear something about a negligee?

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Yes.

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Would you want me to put it on?

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I'll say.

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Let the dog see the rabbit.

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What?

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Er, nothing.

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Look, I'll, er... I'll go for a stroll.

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Nice married man's stroll.

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And, er, you sort yourself out and I'll see you in the boudoir.

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Do you think I should just check the piano?

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It's fine, it's got all its legs.

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In a while, crocodile.

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JOYCE PLAYS: "Piano Concerto No 2" Rachmaninov

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Joycey?

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Oh, Lord, negligee, wedding night, sorry.

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You carry on.

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I'll have another scrape at the banisters.

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Yes, I shall get my secretary to type that up for you

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and I shall see you with Miss Hatto on the 24th...

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Looking forward to it...

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OK. Bye, bye.

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Mrs Barrington-Coupe, just putting in another booking for Miss Hatto.

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What do you do when they ask to speak to the secretary?

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I say she's on the other line.

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Have you got two lines?

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No. Now, look at this.

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Kirkcaldy and Pitlochry all booked in.

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Letchworth, Evesham, Spalding,

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music club circuit looks like it might happen.

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Golly, it's really filled up!

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I said it would.

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Oh, and look what came back from the printers!

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I'm hardly acclaimed or international.

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Just one nice review from Ventnor.

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Let me explain something to you.

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I go to see Joyce Hatto.

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The poster says - Joyce Hatto hasn't done much.

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I don't have much of an evening, do I?

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But if I give over my 17 and 6 to see Joyce Hatto -

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acclaimed international pianist...

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I have a fantastic evening!

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But the playing will be the same!

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Everyone in this agency can play!

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What matters is the story.

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Now, you play, I'll figure out the story.

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No-one to move Miss Hatto's stool, thank you!

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OK, gents, OK, OK, OK.

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I just need to hear the strings on their own - this is Jealous Lover.

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You've all got Jealous Lover, haven't you?

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If nine of you play Jealous Lover

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and one plays Dangerous Moonlight it'll be a long day.

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I shall see you in there.

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Er, shall I play, Barrie?

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Why not? It is your album, after all.

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Do you want to count them in, Joycey, just for now?

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OK.

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On my wife's count.

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Two, three, four, one, two.

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Barrie!

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We'll get there with the babies, Ducky.

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The doc said it was nobody's fault.

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Nice, aren't they, those radios?

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I'm bringing 4,000 in from Hong Kong.

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I'm on a whacking profit.

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Velly nice.

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Have you given up the record label, then?

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No! In fact, we've just signed a new artist!

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Oh...

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just Joyce.

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Music from the Films.

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You look quite beaky in profile, you'd have done better full-face.

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This is more like it - Dream Of Olwen.

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We thought we'd make some more albums this year.

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And get Joyce back on the road next year,

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when she's bounced back from the, erm...

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And I'm going to do a bit of teaching. Mother?

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You could play the accordion, Joyce.

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Just two days a week, nice private girls' school in Hertfordshire

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What will you do, go from Euston?

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Sshh, Andy Stewart -

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turn it up, Barrie!

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MUSIC: "Donald Where's Your Troosers?" by Andy Stewart

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Faster! Faster!

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Now, how do we think Chopin would have played it?

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I'm Miss Hatto, and you are?

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I'm Elizabeth Jane Pilkington, Miss Hatto.

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EJ Pilkington at 11:30, very good.

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So, who are you?

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Please, she's Eleanor Margaret Bird and she doesn't

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have to do Domestic Science because her mother's just died.

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So, I thought she might like to come and help me have my lesson.

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Pilks!

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Eleanor Margaret Bird, do you find that in any way an appealing plan?

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Yes, it is, please, thank you.

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Shoes off, then, girls!

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Now, Miss EJ Pilkington,

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are you Elizabeth, Betty, Beth, Lizzie?

0:27:170:27:22

What do I call you?

0:27:220:27:23

Oh, I'm Pilks. And she's Birdy.

0:27:230:27:25

Very good. Birdy and Pilks - hop up!

0:27:270:27:30

Each of you put a foot on the pedal. Birdy, you're soft

0:27:310:27:34

and Pilks, you're sustain.

0:27:340:27:35

Now, I'm going to play and when I shout out, you're going to pedal.

0:27:350:27:38

Mm-hm?

0:27:380:27:40

Sustain!

0:27:400:27:43

Soft!

0:27:430:27:44

Sustain!

0:27:440:27:46

Soft!

0:27:460:27:47

Oh, Serge!

0:27:470:27:49

You called, m'lady?

0:27:490:27:51

I was talking to the dog.

0:27:510:27:53

So hard to tell.

0:27:530:27:55

Now, I bet Miss Hatto has never mentioned this, has she?

0:27:550:27:58

Wow!

0:28:020:28:04

Or this?

0:28:040:28:05

And this, you are the first people to see this.

0:28:070:28:09

Now, this isn't even in the shops yet.

0:28:110:28:13

Bax?

0:28:160:28:17

Not easy to play, unless you happen to be Miss Hatto, of course.

0:28:170:28:20

And when Miss Hatto plays the Festival Hall...there will,

0:28:200:28:24

of course, be two seats reserved in the name of Birdy and Pilks.

0:28:240:28:27

The Festival Hall - that's so posh!

0:28:270:28:30

And just to prove I'm not completely useless myself - make a tray -

0:28:300:28:32

make a tray!

0:28:320:28:35

Present from Golders Green via Hong Kong - the smallest

0:28:350:28:40

Dictaphone in the world.

0:28:400:28:42

It's like Crackerjack!

0:28:440:28:46

Do you have any comment to make?

0:28:460:28:48

Right, scrap that one...

0:28:500:28:53

suppose we start with the Bach?

0:28:530:28:55

No, these are big concert halls, you have to start with a bang,

0:28:550:28:58

set your stall out.

0:28:580:28:59

Prokofiev.

0:29:000:29:03

No messing about.

0:29:030:29:04

Right, scribble this down

0:29:040:29:06

because I am in the groove, daddy-o.

0:29:060:29:09

DOORBELL RINGS

0:29:090:29:11

Right, Prokofiev to kick off.

0:29:110:29:12

I've got a big hole in my second half, then.

0:29:120:29:15

-Yes?

-Mr Coup, we're from Customs and Excise.

0:29:150:29:17

-Joyce.

-What?

0:29:190:29:22

It's not about the dog again, is it? We try and keep him in!

0:29:240:29:27

It's about the radios.

0:29:270:29:28

Radios?

0:29:280:29:29

It's just a muddle.

0:29:290:29:31

Are they all here, Mr Coupe?

0:29:310:29:32

No, no, there are some in the garage and, er,

0:29:320:29:35

some in the box room on the top floor.

0:29:350:29:37

Start upstairs, Mendelssohn,

0:29:370:29:39

you can get Parker to help.

0:29:390:29:40

A policeman called Mendelssohn!

0:29:400:29:42

We'll need all the paperwork, of course.

0:29:420:29:45

Yes, yes, of course.

0:29:450:29:47

Sorry, er, I don't understand. Are the radios faulty,

0:29:490:29:53

are they being recalled?

0:29:530:29:55

-It's a purchase tax issue.

-We're impounding them.

0:29:550:29:57

It's just a muddle, Joycey.

0:29:570:29:58

I'll just have to go with them to sort it out.

0:29:580:30:00

Not today, though, surely!

0:30:000:30:02

I'm preparing some important concerts

0:30:020:30:04

and we need to sort out the programme.

0:30:040:30:05

I'm afraid we don't usually arrest people at their own convenience.

0:30:050:30:08

Can we take the gentleman

0:30:110:30:12

up with us, sir, make sure we're taking the right things?

0:30:120:30:15

Do you know how long it will take?

0:30:210:30:22

I was going to do chops.

0:30:220:30:24

I can't say. We won't starve him.

0:30:240:30:27

I don't understand what's happened.

0:30:270:30:28

He's been importing all sorts of things for nearly a year.

0:30:280:30:31

So we've gathered.

0:30:310:30:32

He may have got in a muddle with his paperwork.

0:30:330:30:37

We've been a bit distracted planning these concerts.

0:30:370:30:40

I mean, it's not a serious offence?

0:30:400:30:42

It's a very serious offence.

0:30:420:30:44

Dog behaving himself?

0:31:530:31:55

-Yes.

-That's good.

0:31:550:31:56

Not knocked over any more gnomes?

0:32:000:32:01

No.

0:32:010:32:02

How's the playing?

0:32:050:32:07

What playing would that be?

0:32:070:32:08

Oh, come on, Joyce.

0:32:080:32:10

Would that be the playing for the big concert series?

0:32:100:32:12

I had to cancel that, didn't I?

0:32:120:32:14

Because the promoter's on trial at the Old Bailey.

0:32:140:32:16

-Why do you bother to come, Joyce?

-Well...

0:32:160:32:19

I'm still hoping to hear some kind of explanation.

0:32:200:32:23

I was just doing what every other bugger in business does,

0:32:250:32:27

if they think they can get away with it.

0:32:270:32:30

I didn't rob a bank. I just skimped on some paperwork.

0:32:300:32:34

-We needed the money...

-We needed money because you made

0:32:340:32:36

such a lamentable fist of being a concert promoter.

0:32:360:32:39

No, Joyce, we needed the money because...

0:32:390:32:41

Because what?

0:32:410:32:43

It doesn't matter.

0:32:450:32:47

PIANO MUSIC

0:33:030:33:05

Don't stop.

0:33:250:33:26

I'm sure that's one thing you didn't miss - me murdering Godowsky.

0:33:260:33:30

I missed all of it.

0:33:300:33:31

I was a nit.

0:33:390:33:41

They're doing a big Chopin thing at the Festival Hall.

0:33:450:33:49

They called me. I thought I might give it a bash.

0:33:490:33:51

Toe in the water. No boosting required.

0:33:520:33:55

Are you going self-op, or can a pal come along?

0:33:580:34:01

Pal's always nice.

0:34:040:34:06

Getting the feel, Miss Hatto?

0:34:220:34:23

Everyone's parked up, your mother's been to the Ladies, all serene!

0:34:310:34:34

I can't get this...

0:34:340:34:36

-Here, let me...

-Leave it. I'll do it later.

0:34:360:34:38

Come on...

0:34:400:34:42

we've worked for this.

0:34:420:34:44

Play how you play at home.

0:34:450:34:47

Never mind about the stool and people fanning themselves

0:34:470:34:50

with their programmes, just play the music.

0:34:500:34:52

This is us back in the game, hm?

0:34:550:34:57

The old firm!

0:34:570:35:00

The two before you, they're not going to set the Thames on fire.

0:35:000:35:03

No hoper, no hoper, Hatto, interval, perfect.

0:35:030:35:05

Get on, get off, get out. Yep?

0:35:060:35:08

See you later, alligator.

0:35:100:35:12

Good luck, Miss Hatto!

0:36:040:36:05

Ready for off?

0:36:080:36:10

(Always has to fiddle.)

0:36:320:36:34

SLOW HANDCLAPS

0:39:060:39:09

I thought I could do it.

0:40:050:40:07

But I couldn't do it.

0:40:080:40:10

Look, there's...

0:40:140:40:16

There's a thing you have to have inside...

0:40:190:40:22

..to really make it.

0:40:240:40:25

And I don't have it.

0:40:290:40:30

Maybe neither of us do.

0:40:390:40:41

Maybe we just flew too high.

0:40:440:40:46

Melted our wings?

0:40:480:40:50

Melted our wings, Ducky.

0:40:530:40:54

We'll be all right.

0:41:040:41:06

We'll be all right.

0:41:090:41:11

People say to me, "Oh, Liszt is so romantic," and I say,

0:41:480:41:51

"No, you're wrong, he's not romantic, he's passionate,

0:41:510:41:54

"and there's every difference in the world."

0:41:540:41:56

And I say, "There's no point in waving your arms about like a dying

0:41:560:41:59

"duck in a thunderstorm, because if you don't feel the power from here,

0:41:590:42:02

"then it doesn't matter what you feel about Liszt,

0:42:020:42:04

"you won't be doing him justice when you play."

0:42:040:42:07

Absolutely, we'll remember that when Claudie gets on to Liszt.

0:42:070:42:09

Say thank you for the KitKat, Eleanor.

0:42:090:42:11

Thank you, Miss Hatto.

0:42:110:42:12

See you next Monday - thank you!

0:42:120:42:15

People think it's from the wrist,

0:42:150:42:16

but the wrists have nothing to do with it. It's all from here.

0:42:160:42:20

-TV PRESENTER:

-'...into a full blown squabble.

0:42:440:42:46

'But there is still no dominance, despite...'

0:42:460:42:49

DOOR OPENS

0:42:490:42:51

'..and Simon definitely needs the discipline.'

0:42:510:42:55

I'm back.

0:42:550:42:56

Big drama with the new monkey?

0:42:560:42:58

Simon?

0:42:590:43:01

He's just bitten Arthur and they've got rid of him!

0:43:010:43:03

I knew it. It's an accident waiting to happen.

0:43:030:43:06

How was the post office?

0:43:060:43:07

Very boring. Big queue.

0:43:070:43:10

Lots of old dodderers.

0:43:100:43:12

Isn't that the pot calling?

0:43:120:43:15

But what I did spot while I was waiting...

0:43:150:43:18

Fanfare?

0:43:180:43:20

Oh, that's jolly nifty.

0:43:220:43:24

I should cocoa... Put them all in of a Sunday night, Bob's your uncle,

0:43:240:43:27

and Fanny we don't talk about.

0:43:270:43:29

You didn't put the answer machine on. I like this.

0:43:290:43:31

I know. I remembered while I was in the queue.

0:43:310:43:34

-You didn't pick up?

-No, it rang a couple of times.

0:43:340:43:36

Oh, right, well, I'll just put your horse pills in here

0:43:360:43:41

and then, erm, how are we feeling about macaroni cheese?

0:43:410:43:46

We're feeling reasonably positive.

0:43:460:43:48

Hah, turn up the monkeys and call me

0:43:480:43:51

if the girl with the bottom comes on.

0:43:510:43:54

'Now, it's low-ranking male Arthur's turn.'

0:43:540:43:56

DOORBELL RINGS

0:43:560:43:58

What's that idiot child forgotten now?

0:43:580:44:00

I'm so sorry just to ring the doorbell.

0:44:040:44:06

I did phone earlier, but got no reply.

0:44:060:44:09

I am looking for Concert Artists, the record label?

0:44:090:44:12

Yes, yes that's us. How can I help?

0:44:120:44:14

I'm only in England for a couple more days and you have a couple

0:44:140:44:17

of records on your website I would very much like to get hold of.

0:44:170:44:21

I don't know if you keep stock here.

0:44:210:44:24

Well...I do.

0:44:240:44:25

Just tell me what you want and I can pack them up.

0:44:250:44:28

Only take a few minutes.

0:44:280:44:29

Do you have the Bax Variations by Hatto?

0:44:290:44:31

Yes, I can let you have that.

0:44:310:44:33

I've sold a surprising number of those.

0:44:330:44:35

There's more Bax lovers in the world than I knew.

0:44:350:44:37

I had never warmed to him but I read a couple of positive

0:44:370:44:40

comments on Piano Fanatic about the Hatto recording.

0:44:400:44:43

I'm sorry. Where was this?

0:44:430:44:44

Online.

0:44:440:44:45

I was intrigued to read these comments about Joyce Hatto

0:44:450:44:48

because we were at the Royal Academy together.

0:44:480:44:52

You were at the Academy with Joyce?

0:44:520:44:53

Yes, I studied piano for a while there.

0:44:530:44:56

Get away! Well, Joyce is here!

0:44:560:44:59

We live together here!

0:44:590:45:00

Joyce is my wife. She'll be delighted, come in, come in!

0:45:000:45:06

Joyce! Joycey!

0:45:060:45:08

Turn the monkeys off!

0:45:080:45:10

And do you remember that ghastly audition for

0:45:100:45:13

the blessed Cortot masterclass, and neither of us got it?

0:45:130:45:15

I was absolutely heartbroken, went off and sobbed in the ladies...

0:45:150:45:19

My mind sings so much...

0:45:190:45:22

But you were not to be defeated,

0:45:220:45:24

whereas I did not have the right sort of guts

0:45:240:45:26

to make it as a soloist.

0:45:260:45:28

Oh, Joyce has the guts but fate hasn't been entirely kind to her.

0:45:280:45:32

Oh, it's just I have this silly,

0:45:320:45:34

silly cancer which I'm absolutely not going to talk about,

0:45:340:45:37

but obviously it's meant that I can't really perform much in public.

0:45:370:45:41

So sorry. But you've been able to make recordings?

0:45:410:45:46

-Yes.

-Yes, we haven't let the grass grow.

0:45:460:45:48

I don't think I saw more than a couple on the website,

0:45:480:45:51

there was the Bax and the Gershwin.

0:45:510:45:53

Well, I'm a little bit of a fledgling at this website malarkey

0:45:530:45:58

but give me a couple of months

0:45:580:45:59

and hopefully it'll be a different story.

0:45:590:46:01

No, because several posts have asked, where you can buy more Hatto?

0:46:010:46:05

"Have you heard Hatto?" "What else has she done?"

0:46:050:46:08

Ah, ah there you go - got it!

0:46:150:46:18

"Wowee, Crotchetman was right - Hatto is awesome."

0:46:180:46:21

What does that mean?

0:46:230:46:25

And who the heck is Crotchetman?

0:46:250:46:27

Well, maybe he's a bit further down here somewhere.

0:46:270:46:29

Yes, look!

0:46:310:46:33

"Thanks, HG, for posting Nocturne from Bax Symphonic Variations.

0:46:330:46:38

The CD arrived and it is awesome playing. Who is she?

0:46:380:46:42

What does it mean, posting Nocturne?

0:46:420:46:45

Yeah, well, move out the way a sec.

0:46:450:46:47

It means that some bright spark on the other side of the world

0:46:470:46:50

has put a little bit of Joyce Hatto on here...

0:46:500:46:53

and if you...

0:46:530:46:54

click it...

0:46:540:46:56

MUSIC PLAYS

0:46:570:46:59

Golly.

0:47:080:47:10

You're on the world wide web, Ducky.

0:47:100:47:12

Nice to hear you play.

0:47:580:48:01

Hardly "playing!"

0:48:010:48:03

Who knew you had an international following?

0:48:030:48:06

From one ancient CD!

0:48:060:48:08

Yeah, well, leave 'em wanting more.

0:48:080:48:10

What are you thinking, Ducky?

0:48:140:48:15

Oh, the Academy.

0:48:170:48:19

High hopes.

0:48:210:48:23

We've done all right.

0:48:230:48:25

We do pretty well for old codgers.

0:48:250:48:27

Do you remember what you said to me when we met?

0:48:280:48:30

A lot of rubbish, no doubt.

0:48:320:48:35

You said all I needed was someone in my corner to protect me,

0:48:350:48:38

make it all happen for me.

0:48:380:48:40

Sorry, have I remembered that incorrectly?

0:48:430:48:45

Didn't I say I was worried I didn't have the nerve for a solo career

0:48:480:48:51

and you said you had enough nerve for both of us?

0:48:510:48:54

I was a bloody idiot. I was young.

0:48:550:48:57

Young people make promises because they don't know what life's like.

0:48:580:49:03

What did you just say? "We'd done pretty well"?!

0:49:030:49:05

If you call teaching piano to dim-witted children

0:49:080:49:11

while you run a potty, one-man record label in the spare bedroom

0:49:110:49:16

in a town that hasn't even got a concert hall...

0:49:160:49:19

..then your standards are even more poverty-stricken than I imagined.

0:49:210:49:25

Don't leave your cocoa too long.

0:49:290:49:31

Are we ready? Yes?

0:49:410:49:42

Hang on, I just need to wedge it...

0:49:430:49:46

That should hold it.

0:49:480:49:50

-Yes? Is it on?

-Yes - go!

0:49:500:49:55

PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

0:49:560:49:59

Joyce! Come and listen to something.

0:51:110:51:15

Coming!

0:51:150:51:16

PIANO MUSIC

0:51:260:51:28

What do you think?

0:51:530:51:54

It's about the tempo I used to play it?

0:51:540:51:56

Yes, it is.

0:51:560:51:58

Who is it? Please tell me it's someone English,

0:51:580:52:00

I get so tired of those endless Koreans!

0:52:000:52:03

-It's someone very English.

-Good.

0:52:030:52:05

She's called Joyce Hatto.

0:52:050:52:07

No!

0:52:080:52:10

Was that one of my tapes? Did you find the old tapes?

0:52:110:52:15

Oh, it was jolly good quality - I thought you were up to something!

0:52:150:52:18

Did you do some computer things to it?

0:52:180:52:21

No, well, I did try, I took them to the chap at Wheathampstead

0:52:210:52:24

and he had a go at cleaning them up but they're very old.

0:52:240:52:26

And they're not top quality. I mean, they were only for fun.

0:52:260:52:29

Oh, so...

0:52:290:52:30

So, I was thinking about what we'd been saying

0:52:300:52:33

about all those internet chappies wanting a bit more Hatto,

0:52:330:52:35

and they're ain't no Hatto to give them,

0:52:350:52:37

so, I took another recording,

0:52:370:52:39

and I followed all the temping, the dynamics,

0:52:390:52:41

and so on, from your recording, and I sort of did a new version.

0:52:410:52:45

What, you took another of my recordings?

0:52:450:52:49

Well, no, because you didn't do any other recordings.

0:52:490:52:51

I found one that was most like yours

0:52:510:52:53

and I stuck to your score markings and I sort of...

0:52:530:52:56

Hattoised it.

0:52:560:52:58

So what you just played -

0:52:580:53:00

it's not me?

0:53:000:53:02

Well, in a musical sense it's you.

0:53:020:53:04

Yes, but in any sense that anyone else would recognise it's not!

0:53:040:53:08

You are quite astounding!

0:53:130:53:16

Oh, get off your high horse.

0:53:160:53:18

You can't play.

0:53:200:53:21

You've got one brilliant recording out there

0:53:230:53:24

and everyone's itching for more.

0:53:240:53:26

And you like to read about yourself on the internet.

0:53:280:53:30

I just thought I'd do something that would cheer you up.

0:53:320:53:36

All modern recordings are put together note by note,

0:53:360:53:39

so what I was doing I didn't think was so bad, or so different.

0:53:390:53:42

But, of course, in Joyce's world,

0:53:450:53:48

Barrie is always in the wrong,

0:53:480:53:50

because he can't be as clever,

0:53:500:53:52

or as right, or as good,

0:53:520:53:54

or as wronged as Joyce.

0:53:540:53:56

That's a big cake.

0:54:410:54:43

Don't you know there's a war on?

0:54:430:54:45

What can I get you?

0:54:450:54:46

In here? Botulism, I should think.

0:54:460:54:49

You know you're quite right about modern recordings.

0:54:490:54:52

People today don't even have to play the right notes.

0:54:520:54:54

I mean technicians do all that afterwards, don't they?

0:54:540:54:57

Take out the bishes, blend one note into another.

0:54:570:55:00

Since we've gone digital, the sky's the limit.

0:55:000:55:03

Not like your day, Ducky,

0:55:040:55:06

where you had to struggle to get through it without a mistake.

0:55:060:55:10

But there you are.

0:55:100:55:12

Oh, go on, I'll try a tiny bit.

0:55:120:55:14

Coffee and walnut.

0:55:140:55:16

You know, it would be jolly nice to have a few more CDs whizzing around

0:55:160:55:19

the internet.

0:55:190:55:21

But thanks to the old lurgy, I can't play like I used to, I haven't got

0:55:210:55:24

the feeling.

0:55:240:55:25

You can be as musical and interpretative as you like,

0:55:250:55:27

but if you can't feel your finger ends you might as well be

0:55:270:55:30

playing with mittens.

0:55:300:55:32

As you say, there we are.

0:55:320:55:34

Quite funny you should have made a recording and I thought it was me.

0:55:360:55:40

Well, if you thought it was you,

0:55:400:55:42

think how many other people would think it was you.

0:55:420:55:44

You've got a very naughty twinkle in your eye, Mr Barrington Coupe.

0:55:460:55:50

Got to do something, Joyce.

0:55:500:55:52

We're both near enough the bucket to kick it.

0:55:530:55:56

I could run a couple up the flagpole, see if anyone salutes.

0:55:570:56:01

Keep Crotchetman happy?

0:56:010:56:04

I'm rather fond of Crotchetman.

0:56:040:56:06

You know this isn't half bad, considering the place is so ghastly.

0:56:060:56:11

One in the eye for those shirt-lifters on Radio Three.

0:56:110:56:13

Why, would you send them to be reviewed?

0:56:150:56:18

Yes. We've got nothing to lose.

0:56:180:56:21

Joyce Hatto on the wireless...

0:56:210:56:24

that would be rather satisfying.

0:56:240:56:26

Would you, erm, would you like a latte?

0:56:300:56:33

A latte?

0:56:340:56:35

Yes, all right, Mr BC.

0:56:370:56:41

I'll have a latte.

0:56:410:56:42

It's a great life if you don't weaken!

0:57:230:57:26

It's my own fault for marrying a blooming concert pianist.

0:57:260:57:32

Ducky, what say we get one of those posh cakes with the strawberries on?

0:57:340:57:37

Can we afford?

0:57:370:57:38

Can we afford? Have you seen the orders coming in?

0:57:380:57:41

The website's buzzing. Hattomania!

0:57:410:57:44

And you haven't had to lie on top of a flipping concert grand to do it.

0:57:440:57:47

It's never too late.

0:57:470:57:48

LAUGHS: I could give you a bunk up?

0:57:480:57:50

Did I hear your name on the radio this morning?

0:58:040:58:06

Oh, probably.

0:58:060:58:07

They're just reviewing one of Joyce's Chopin

0:58:070:58:10

recordings on Building A Library.

0:58:100:58:12

No biggie!

0:58:120:58:13

What time will that be on?

0:58:130:58:14

The programme starts at ten...

0:58:140:58:16

I shan't be listening, I've really no interest.

0:58:160:58:18

You're not going to listen?

0:58:180:58:21

I don't believe in critics, it's the music that matters.

0:58:210:58:25

I'd want to hear what they were saying about me.

0:58:250:58:27

I'm not as high-minded as you!

0:58:270:58:30

Toodle-oo!

0:58:300:58:31

What time is it?

0:58:320:58:34

Starts in ten minutes.

0:58:340:58:35

Shall we go in now?

0:58:350:58:37

-PRESENTER:

-'And although I loved the delicacy of the Ashkenazy, it didn't

0:58:390:58:44

'quite have the verve and, well, just the sheer sparkle of the Hatto.

0:58:440:58:48

'In fact, I hope to be taking a look at more Hatto

0:58:480:58:51

'recordings on a future programme.

0:58:510:58:52

'This lady seems to be having something of a late flowering -

0:58:520:58:55

'can one say that, or should I say a renaissance,

0:58:550:58:57

'that's possibly more polite.

0:58:570:58:59

'Anyway, that's my choice for Building A Library,

0:58:590:59:02

that's Joyce Hatto - Chopin Complete Etudes

0:59:020:59:05

and that's on the Concert Artist label and...

0:59:050:59:08

Sounds like you might have your own radio programme, Ducky.

0:59:080:59:12

Hardly, but he seemed fairly intelligent.

0:59:120:59:16

Well, this isn't going to buy the baby a new bonnet.

0:59:160:59:19

I've got to pop to the printers,

0:59:190:59:21

check the new cover for your Rach Three,

0:59:210:59:23

because the one they faxed through was absolutely shocking.

0:59:230:59:26

-The things you have to keep an eye on.

-And you love it.

0:59:260:59:29

Orders coming in, parcels going out, fans all over the world,

0:59:290:59:32

of course I love it!

0:59:320:59:34

And because it's all for you, all for Joyce Hatto.

0:59:340:59:39

Fan-dabby-dozy.

0:59:390:59:40

Right, and I'll pick up the bird seed.

0:59:410:59:44

Don't forget the horse pills, they should be in today.

0:59:440:59:46

Roger Wilco, no peace for the wicked.

0:59:460:59:49

Barrie?

0:59:490:59:52

We're not wicked, are we?

0:59:520:59:54

Get away!

0:59:560:59:58

I'll tell you what's wicked.

1:00:011:00:04

The fact that it took forty years to get Joyce Hatto on to the BBC.

1:00:041:00:07

That's wicked.

1:00:091:00:10

Did you put the machine on?

1:00:151:00:16

DOOR CLOSES

1:00:161:00:18

PHONE RINGS

1:00:211:00:24

Oh, Barrie, you never remember!

1:00:251:00:28

Oh, er, Concert Artists, can I help you?

1:00:331:00:36

'Yes, my name is Philip Hill.

1:00:361:00:38

'I wanted to speak to someone about one of your artists.

1:00:381:00:40

'I actually did the review of the Joyce Hatto Chopin this morning

1:00:401:00:44

'on Radio Three on Building a Library

1:00:441:00:46

'and A: I wanted to order more Hatto discs,

1:00:461:00:49

'but also I wondered whether you had any way of contacting her

1:00:491:00:53

'as I'd be interested in talking to her for a piece

1:00:531:00:55

'I'm writing for Gramophone Magazine.'

1:00:551:00:57

Oh. Well, you are actually speaking to her.

1:00:571:01:01

'One doesn't really expect a concert pianist to answer the phone.

1:01:011:01:05

'I don't know if you heard my review this morning?'

1:01:051:01:09

Er, no, I was playing the piano, I'm afraid. I forgot to tune in.

1:01:091:01:13

My husband says that I'm ridiculously non-publicity-minded,

1:01:131:01:17

very behind the times in that way.

1:01:171:01:19

I hope you were kind to me?

1:01:191:01:21

Ducky? Do I smell baking?

1:01:301:01:34

Buns? This is a turn up.

1:01:351:01:37

-I've had a gentleman caller.

-Oh, yes?

1:01:371:01:41

Well, telephonic caller, because you didn't put the answer phone on.

1:01:411:01:45

Darn it. Sorry.

1:01:451:01:47

When I picked up, who should it be but the gentlemen

1:01:471:01:49

who was so enamoured of the Hatto Chopin Etudes

1:01:491:01:51

-on the wireless this morning.

-Oh, Philip thingy.

1:01:511:01:54

He was very delighted to find that he was talking to the lady herself.

1:01:541:01:58

-I bet he was.

-And we had a very nice chat about Chopin

1:01:581:02:01

and the Liszt Transcendental Etudes and Godowksys

1:02:011:02:04

and all sorts of things. And it rather lifted my spirits

1:02:041:02:07

and I thought, we shall have buns, buns is what we shall have.

1:02:071:02:10

Jolly good. He phoned Concert Artists did he?

1:02:101:02:14

He's doing a piece for the Gramophone

1:02:141:02:17

and he wants to talk to me.

1:02:171:02:19

About what, though, Ducky?

1:02:211:02:22

About my recording techniques.

1:02:221:02:24

-Well, that's going to be a bit awkward, isn't it?

-Why?

1:02:271:02:31

You don't have a recording technique.

1:02:311:02:33

No, but I can tell him how I play the pieces

1:02:331:02:36

and how I tackle a new piece.

1:02:361:02:39

Yes, I suppose so...

1:02:391:02:41

Well, when he rings, Joyce, keep it vague.

1:02:411:02:44

You can talk about how you feel about the music,

1:02:441:02:46

but we don't want to get into the nuts and bolts of where we record the things.

1:02:461:02:49

He's not ringing, he's taking us out for lunch in Cambridge.

1:02:491:02:54

Are you potty?

1:02:541:02:55

No! I'm not potty!

1:02:551:02:58

He's got a lot of my CDs.

1:02:581:03:00

In fact, he was calling to order some more, it's all on the pad.

1:03:001:03:03

Joyce, selling online, getting reviews online,

1:03:031:03:08

chaps talking about you on the radio, that's all fine,

1:03:081:03:11

but you can't sit down with a journalist, face-to-face

1:03:111:03:13

and talk about how we make these records.

1:03:131:03:16

-Why?

-Because we didn't make them!

1:03:161:03:18

Think, sweetie! I mean, yes, they sound like you, but they're not you!

1:03:181:03:23

Joyce, trust me, this is a bad idea!

1:03:231:03:27

Trust you? I remember trying that a long time ago,

1:03:271:03:30

so, I'm very much once bitten there!

1:03:301:03:33

Oh, don't worry, I'll call him back.

1:03:331:03:36

I'll explain that I'm not able to have

1:03:371:03:39

a nice lunch with an intelligent, cultured music critic,

1:03:391:03:43

because MY husband has a very limited view of my capabilities

1:03:431:03:47

and would rather I stayed at home with nothing else to think about

1:03:471:03:51

but how long I've got to live!

1:03:511:03:53

DOOR SLAMS

1:03:551:03:57

Not too mutton?

1:04:061:04:08

Not mutton at all.

1:04:081:04:10

There you go!

1:04:111:04:13

Merci.

1:04:131:04:16

-Hair?

-Luxuriant.

-Hmm.

1:04:161:04:18

I wasn't trying to spoil your fun, Ducky,

1:04:181:04:21

putting the kibosh on meeting Philip, I just thought,

1:04:211:04:24

we're safer flying under the radar.

1:04:241:04:26

I just fancied flying a little higher.

1:04:261:04:29

Fly too high, your wings fall off.

1:04:291:04:31

My wings aren't going to last me much longer anyway, are they?

1:04:311:04:34

Get your skates on, the train waits for no man.

1:04:341:04:38

BOTH: Bags I forward.

1:04:381:04:40

I said it first.

1:04:401:04:43

Come on then Mrs Barrington Coupe, let's take Joyce Hatto out to lunch.

1:04:431:04:47

Thank you.

1:04:491:04:51

So, basically, Joyce, since you gave up live performance,

1:04:511:04:56

you've just been working away and when you feel a piece is ready,

1:04:561:04:59

you record it.

1:04:591:05:00

So, what do you do? Just book a studio?

1:05:001:05:04

Well, I leave all that to Barrie.

1:05:041:05:06

I say my job is to make the bread

1:05:061:05:08

and Barrie has to put it in the oven!

1:05:081:05:10

Yes, Joyce always says working on a piece

1:05:101:05:12

is like making a loaf of bread - you know, first you have to work it...

1:05:121:05:15

Yes, you work it and you knead it and then you leave it to rise.

1:05:151:05:20

You have to let it become what it wants to be.

1:05:201:05:22

Yeah, and once it's recorded, Joyce never listens to it again.

1:05:221:05:25

-Really?

-Not interested.

1:05:251:05:26

No, not interested. I don't do retakes or whatever they're called.

1:05:261:05:30

I record it, I go home and what people want to make of it

1:05:301:05:33

is up to them, it's none of my business.

1:05:331:05:35

So, not much editing time, then, Barrie?

1:05:351:05:37

Yes, as far as recording goes, Joyce is a very cheap date!

1:05:371:05:40

THEY GIGGLE

1:05:401:05:42

When Barrie and I met, I was giving a concert at the Strathmore

1:05:421:05:48

and he was a little bit bowled over, weren't you?

1:05:481:05:50

He took me for a cup of tea and he said,

1:05:501:05:52

"Would you like a cup or mug?"

1:05:521:05:53

I was desperate for a mug but I thought it wasn't very ladylike,

1:05:531:05:56

-so I said, "I'll have a cup ..."

-A cup was thrupence.

1:05:561:05:58

And a mug was fivepence. That made me a cheap date in Barrie's eyes!

1:05:581:06:02

Tired, sweetie?

1:06:051:06:07

Do you know, I'm absolutely not.

1:06:071:06:09

Wasn't it lovely talking about music to someone who knew about it?

1:06:091:06:13

While you were in the ladies, he said he was going to e-mail me

1:06:141:06:17

to get some facts straight.

1:06:171:06:20

We can cobble something together,

1:06:201:06:22

at least on the e-mail you've got thinking time.

1:06:221:06:25

I thought we did very well with our ducking and diving over lunch.

1:06:251:06:29

While you were in the gents, I told him I was working on the Godowskys.

1:06:291:06:33

You didn't say you were bringing them out?

1:06:331:06:35

I think I may have done.

1:06:351:06:37

You don't make life easy, Ducky.

1:06:371:06:38

You know there are only about three versions to choose from.

1:06:381:06:41

Did you set the video for Monkey World?

1:06:431:06:45

-I did.

-End of a perfect day.

1:06:451:06:50

PHONE RINGS

1:06:501:06:52

'Where do you usually do these recordings?

1:06:521:06:54

'Well, you use a studio one year

1:06:541:06:56

'and the next it's a blooming coffee shop.

1:06:561:06:58

'Or one of those tanning places, we have one of those

1:06:581:07:00

'down the road, don't we, Barrie? And if you can believe this,

1:07:001:07:03

'you have to stand up! I mean it's umpetty pounds

1:07:031:07:05

'and you can't even lie down.'

1:07:051:07:06

PHONE RINGS

1:07:061:07:08

-Larry...

-'How are you?'

1:07:081:07:10

I'm good. I'm doing a big piece on this woman, Joyce Hatto.

1:07:101:07:13

'Yeah, I'm just reading about her, I might do a piece myself.'

1:07:131:07:17

Yes, well you know, the Gramophone found her first.

1:07:171:07:21

'Is she for real? It's a heck of an output.'

1:07:211:07:24

No, I know, she does everything - Bach, Messaien, Gershwin...

1:07:241:07:26

it's remarkable.

1:07:261:07:28

It's like listening to about eight different pianists.

1:07:281:07:31

"Her illness has brought a depth and gravitas to her playing"

1:07:311:07:34

Someone here thinks she's more than one person.

1:07:351:07:39

Is she? More than one person?

1:07:391:07:42

'People are so bloody cynical.'

1:07:421:07:44

She's old, she's ill and she's good. End of story.

1:07:441:07:46

I've got to go, Larry, I'll ring you back.

1:07:461:07:50

Joyce Hatto?

1:07:501:07:52

Yes, I need to talk to her again.

1:07:521:07:54

I've had a call from someone who knew her husband years ago.

1:07:541:07:57

Really?

1:07:571:07:58

He just said the husband doesn't have the most blameless career path.

1:07:581:08:02

Well, he's a harmless old beggar now, I mean, I've met him.

1:08:021:08:05

Well, this person, someone we both know, said he heard Joyce Hatto

1:08:051:08:09

play in the '60s sometime. I think at the Festival Hall.

1:08:091:08:12

And she did fistfuls of wrong notes

1:08:121:08:14

and then practically conked out at the keyboard.

1:08:141:08:16

Well, I don't see what that's got to do with her recording career.

1:08:161:08:19

No, but do check all the facts won't you?

1:08:191:08:23

-Of course.

-Now I know you will.

1:08:231:08:25

I mean, 40 years down the line, she's obviously improved!

1:08:251:08:29

Yes.

1:08:291:08:31

Hope for us all!

1:08:311:08:32

Ah-ha! Hot-air balloon!

1:08:341:08:37

You don't want to drop the piece in the Gramophone, do you?

1:08:391:08:41

-It seems to have turned into quite a big thing.

-No.

1:08:411:08:44

I think Mr Hill's going to make a jolly good fist of it.

1:08:441:08:47

Bah, I thought that was bulrushes, and it ain't.

1:08:471:08:51

It could be reflected bulrushes?

1:08:511:08:52

Oh, he's not as dumb as he looks!

1:08:521:08:54

Why are you saying drop it?

1:08:541:08:56

There was an answer phone message from Philip, fact checking.

1:08:561:09:00

Said he couldn't find anything on Rene Kohler, your esteemed conductor.

1:09:001:09:03

Not surprising, seeing as he doesn't exist!

1:09:031:09:06

I don't want to call him about it as he will have more awkward questions.

1:09:061:09:10

Oh! Got the top of the lupin.

1:09:101:09:13

I could pop a little biog on the internet, I suppose?

1:09:131:09:16

Poor Rene, obviously a foreigner.

1:09:171:09:20

So, just fit in there, thank you.

1:09:201:09:23

I think he may have trained in Dresden.

1:09:231:09:27

Somewhere sadly flattened by bombs.

1:09:271:09:30

Philip, it's Larry. Can you call me back?

1:10:151:10:18

Some more Joyce Hatto weirdness.

1:10:191:10:22

And how is Joyce?

1:10:251:10:26

Well, yeah, cancer isn't a barrel of laughs, as you know.

1:10:261:10:29

We're keeping our peckers up pretty well.

1:10:291:10:31

Having something to look forward to, like your piece in the Gramophone.

1:10:311:10:36

That's as good as buns to Joyce, that is.

1:10:361:10:38

Right. Now, we have a slight problem. I believe the Gramophone

1:10:381:10:42

still hasn't received the information they asked for.

1:10:421:10:45

That's very odd.

1:10:451:10:46

That was all sent in the post many moons ago. I'll track it down.

1:10:461:10:50

But it will involve talking to someone in Bangalore

1:10:501:10:52

with a slim grasp of the language.

1:10:521:10:54

There's something else, Barrie. A friend of mine in New York, you see,

1:10:541:10:57

he ordered Joyce's Transcendental Etudes.

1:10:571:11:00

Now he put it into iTunes,

1:11:001:11:02

the database recognised it as the Etudes,

1:11:021:11:04

but, well, it came up with a different name.

1:11:041:11:07

Well, that doesn't surprise me. We've had Joyce Natto, Hitto ...

1:11:071:11:10

No, no, no, it came up with the name of another pianist, Laszlo Simon.

1:11:101:11:15

Well, there's no logic with these computers.

1:11:151:11:17

Look, Barrie, people are asking questions about Joyce's output,

1:11:171:11:20

questioning the names of the orchestras.

1:11:201:11:23

-Now, you've seen all the online traffic, I know...

-Philip,

1:11:231:11:26

I beg you, do not say anything of this to Joyce.

1:11:261:11:29

And I can't discuss it now.

1:11:291:11:32

But I need every little bit of spirit I can muster

1:11:321:11:34

to go in there and be the person I need to be for my darling wife.

1:11:341:11:39

I won't have her for long, Philip.

1:11:391:11:42

So I want us to go in there, both of us with big smiles on our faces,

1:11:421:11:45

because Joyce is very sensitive.

1:11:451:11:48

Your championing of her and the prospect of the piece

1:11:481:11:51

in the Gramophone are literally what's keeping her going right now.

1:11:511:11:55

Can we carry on this conversation later?

1:11:551:11:57

Oh, yes. We must, we must.

1:11:571:11:59

This Laszlo Simon snafu, I'm as baffled as you are

1:11:591:12:03

and I certainly don't want him getting all of Joyce's royalties!

1:12:031:12:06

HE LAUGHS

1:12:061:12:07

Barrie was very good-looking.

1:12:121:12:14

Yes, and not quite as confident as he looks there.

1:12:151:12:21

Really?

1:12:211:12:22

He had a certain air which was misleading, as it turned out.

1:12:221:12:26

We were both vulnerable, I suppose.

1:12:281:12:30

Vulnerable people can protect each other.

1:12:321:12:35

Oh, they can.

1:12:351:12:36

Or they can double their weaknesses.

1:12:371:12:39

But that's the gamble in a marriage, isn't it?

1:12:391:12:42

Now, do have some of Barrie's Swiss roll, baked in your honour,

1:12:441:12:47

and you can use any of the photos you like for your piece.

1:12:471:12:51

Oh, thank you.

1:12:511:12:52

Could I just ask you about your recording

1:12:541:12:57

of the Transcendental Etudes?

1:12:571:13:00

Of course.

1:13:001:13:02

Where did you record them?

1:13:021:13:04

Well...

1:13:091:13:10

..we did them in a tiny studio in Cambridge

1:13:121:13:15

and I was very tired when I went in to play them.

1:13:151:13:19

But if you've done the work,

1:13:191:13:20

then somehow...the music can take over and it did take over.

1:13:201:13:27

I almost didn't need to do anything.

1:13:271:13:30

And when I finished playing the last piece...

1:13:321:13:36

..there was just...

1:13:391:13:40

..silence.

1:13:431:13:44

And all the technical people on the other side of the glass...

1:13:471:13:51

..just...

1:13:541:13:56

still.

1:13:561:13:57

Hmm.

1:14:041:14:05

Now, I have a little parting gift for you.

1:14:061:14:10

I don't imagine we'll be meeting again,

1:14:101:14:14

if I can contradict dear old Vera Lynn.

1:14:141:14:17

Ah! Never gave you my famous marmalade!

1:14:261:14:31

Ah, that's fine. I... I had my present from Joyce.

1:14:311:14:34

What was that?

1:14:341:14:35

She gave me a test copy of the Godowsky.

1:14:351:14:38

Did she?

1:14:381:14:39

I hadn't realised she'd been well enough to record them.

1:14:391:14:42

Look, it's not one of her best.

1:14:421:14:44

She hasn't heard it, of course, but it's not one of the finest.

1:14:441:14:47

I won't release it.

1:14:471:14:49

As a courtesy to me, Philip, don't play it.

1:14:491:14:52

Look, Barrie, the editor of the Gramophone wants to get

1:14:541:14:57

the Hatto Etudes compared with the Laszlo Simon.

1:14:571:15:00

A proper digital comparison by an independent source.

1:15:001:15:04

Now, can you tell me if you think that will show up

1:15:041:15:06

any problem as far as Joyce's recording is concerned?

1:15:061:15:09

-No, I'm sure it won't.

-So I can tell him to go ahead.

1:15:091:15:12

-You fully accept the consequences?

-Absolutely.

1:15:121:15:15

I'm pretty tired of all this carping.

1:15:151:15:18

I see all this bumf the classical music buffs put on the internet.

1:15:181:15:22

Well, if they think an F sharp that Joyce played last Wednesday

1:15:221:15:25

sounds like a B flat Martha Argerich played 20 years ago,

1:15:251:15:29

then quite frankly,

1:15:291:15:30

to use an expression Joyce hates, which I rather like,

1:15:301:15:33

"They need to get a life!"

1:15:331:15:35

HE LAUGHS

1:15:351:15:36

Now, this isn't just chocolate.

1:15:491:15:51

This is Belgian chocolate.

1:15:511:15:54

Mmm, Lovely.

1:15:541:15:55

Philip get off all right?

1:15:571:15:59

He said you gave him the Godowsky.

1:15:591:16:02

Yes.

1:16:021:16:04

Was I a naughty Hatto?

1:16:041:16:06

No harm done.

1:16:061:16:07

I forgot to ask him when the piece was coming out.

1:16:101:16:13

It's coming out quite soon.

1:16:131:16:14

There hasn't been any more stuff on the internet?

1:16:171:16:21

I thought Philip seemed a little distant.

1:16:211:16:23

No. That's all died down.

1:16:231:16:26

Eat up, Ducky.

1:16:261:16:27

It wasn't so wrong to do, was it?

1:16:291:16:31

No.

1:16:311:16:32

If things had been different, you'd have been selling them all along.

1:16:321:16:36

-Because I could play, couldn't I?

-Oh, I'll say.

1:16:361:16:40

I knew that from the day you had them standing in the aisles at the Strathmore.

1:16:401:16:43

Typical Barrie exaggeration.

1:16:451:16:47

Just you and...Miss Guisely.

1:16:491:16:52

Enhancement.

1:16:521:16:54

Like the recordings.

1:16:541:16:56

No harm done.

1:16:561:16:58

Hertfordshire's Bonnie and Clyde.

1:16:581:17:02

We shan't die in a hail of bullets, hopefully.

1:17:021:17:05

You'll manage, will you?

1:17:091:17:11

Looking forward to it, Ducky.

1:17:181:17:21

-Fill the place with dancing girls.

-Hmm...

1:17:211:17:24

You sure?

1:17:261:17:27

Go on.

1:17:291:17:30

Shame to waste it.

1:17:311:17:33

Don't you know there's a war on?

1:17:341:17:36

SHE LAUGHS GENTLY

1:17:361:17:38

TV: 'And in a change to our advertised programme,

1:17:511:17:53

'there will now be a tribute to the acclaimed pianist, Joyce Hatto,

1:17:531:17:56

'whose death was announced yesterday.

1:17:561:17:59

'Joyce Hatto had renaissance in the last few years of her life,

1:17:591:18:02

'when unable to perform in concert because of illness,

1:18:021:18:05

'she concentrated on recording.

1:18:051:18:07

'Many tributes have been paid...'

1:18:071:18:09

Got away with it, Ducky.

1:18:411:18:42

The top one's the Laszlo Simon and the bottom one's Hatto.

1:18:451:18:48

They're identical.

1:18:481:18:50

And that can't happen unless one's been copied from the other.

1:18:501:18:54

Now, here's the Rachmaninov second and third.

1:18:541:18:57

That's Joyce on the top and that's Yefim Bronfman on the bottom.

1:18:571:18:59

They're slightly different because they've taken his and speeded it up

1:18:591:19:03

and then pitch corrected.

1:19:031:19:04

So you'll go ahead with the story.

1:19:041:19:06

We need to find one more fake to put me in the clear legally.

1:19:061:19:10

Look, he... He might just talk to me.

1:19:111:19:14

Sure. I mean, it's sad, isn't it?

1:19:141:19:17

I'm not trying to crush the poor old bugger.

1:19:171:19:20

If he tells us the truth, I'll print it and if he doesn't, he's had it.

1:19:201:19:24

I'm sorry the Gramophone has got its knickers in a twist,

1:19:241:19:27

but from our end, there is no story.

1:19:271:19:29

It's Joyce on the box and it's Joyce on the recording.

1:19:311:19:34

So, the two they've found are sheer coincidence?

1:19:341:19:37

-All the others are genuine?

-Absolutely.

1:19:371:19:39

-What about the Godowsky?

-We didn't release the Godowsky.

1:19:391:19:41

I told you, Joyce wasn't up to scratch on it.

1:19:411:19:44

The Godowsky was clever because it was nicked from three pianists

1:19:441:19:48

and it was speeded up.

1:19:481:19:49

So, you could've played it to Marc-Andre Hamelin

1:19:491:19:51

and he wouldn't have had a clue he was listening to himself.

1:19:511:19:55

I mean, it was brilliant, really.

1:19:551:19:57

Right, that's going online.

1:19:581:20:00

And once the red tops get hold of it...

1:20:011:20:04

Heaven help Barrie.

1:20:041:20:07

'So far the husband of Joyce Hatto

1:20:071:20:08

'is not, as far as I know, coming forward with his side of the story.

1:20:081:20:12

'But if it does turn out that some or all of Joyce Hatto's recordings

1:20:121:20:15

'are from other sources, that really will be very sad indeed.'

1:20:151:20:19

Mr Coupe.

1:20:221:20:23

Mr Coupe.

1:20:231:20:25

Look, this is vile.

1:20:261:20:29

My father-in-law had cancer. It makes people absolutely desperate.

1:20:291:20:33

That's what we'll pay for an exclusive. Just call me.

1:20:351:20:39

Then you can get rid of this lot.

1:20:391:20:41

It's desperately sad, and we want people to see your side.

1:20:421:20:47

Nobody will think the worse of you.

1:20:471:20:49

Mr Coupe?

1:20:501:20:51

You dumb cluck, we're cooking for one, aren't we?

1:21:001:21:04

Well, we could have predicted it ending like this, couldn't we?

1:21:121:21:15

Typical Barriean muddle.

1:21:151:21:17

I'm trying to think if anything you ever did came right.

1:21:171:21:20

No answer came, none.

1:21:201:21:21

I hope you're not going to say I had anything to do with this.

1:21:211:21:24

No, we can't have Joyce's name dragged through the mud, can we(?)

1:21:241:21:27

No, that's right. Because what you have to remember

1:21:271:21:30

is that all the things that happened to me were your fault.

1:21:301:21:33

Because nothing is ever Joyce's fault, is it?

1:21:331:21:37

No.

1:21:371:21:38

Joyce mucks up her audition for the BBC. Is that Joyce's fault?

1:21:381:21:41

No, that was Barrie's fault. He made her nervous.

1:21:411:21:44

He was too jolly or he was too encouraging

1:21:441:21:47

or he wasn't encouraging enough.

1:21:471:21:49

Joyce has a miscarriage - not usually anyone's fault

1:21:491:21:52

but in this case, it was Barrie's fault.

1:21:521:21:54

Oh, and then, of course, Barrie went to prison!

1:21:541:21:57

Did he murder someone?

1:21:571:21:58

Did he hit an old lady on the head with a brick?

1:21:581:22:01

No, he just messed up on his purchase tax returns,

1:22:011:22:05

trying to earn a living so that Joyce could stay in the house

1:22:051:22:09

and Joyce could carry on playing the piano,

1:22:091:22:11

which, by the way, wasn't anything anyone wanted to pay money to hear.

1:22:111:22:15

You said you'd make me famous!

1:22:151:22:17

I was stupid, then, wasn't I? Cos I tell you what,

1:22:171:22:19

when I first walked into the Strathmore and heard you play,

1:22:191:22:22

I was quite a happy chap. I was nothing special,

1:22:221:22:24

mucking about at the publishers', joking with the girls in the office,

1:22:241:22:28

but I tell you what, I was doing OK.

1:22:281:22:30

-You loved me.

-Yes, I did.

1:22:301:22:32

But living with a disappointed person is hard.

1:22:321:22:34

It drains the flippin' life out of you.

1:22:341:22:36

Maybe it was a daft scheme putting out those recordings

1:22:361:22:39

but I thought it might cheer you up. Simple as that.

1:22:391:22:42

So, what are you going to tell your sympathetic lady journalist?

1:22:421:22:45

-I could just tell her the truth.

-Golly. That would be a novelty.

1:22:451:22:49

That you hadn't recorded in years.

1:22:491:22:51

That you were too ill to play.

1:22:511:22:53

That every interview you gave was a lie.

1:22:531:22:55

That would make my obituaries pretty meaningless, wouldn't it?

1:22:551:22:58

You went down with the Titanic, Joyce.

1:23:011:23:03

I'm the poor sod clinging to a deck chair.

1:23:031:23:06

It's every man for himself.

1:23:061:23:08

DOORBELL RINGS

1:23:561:23:58

We're Birdy and Pilks.

1:24:081:24:10

We were at the funeral.

1:24:101:24:12

We've seen the news about the recordings

1:24:231:24:25

and we've been so upset, haven't we, Pilks?

1:24:251:24:28

Because we loved her and we just can't see how it can have happened.

1:24:281:24:31

-You've come to get the full story, is that it?

-Well, not...

1:24:311:24:34

I'll be giving my story to the Daily Mail, you can read it in there.

1:24:341:24:37

-That do you?

-Oh, dear. We haven't just come poking around.

1:24:371:24:41

Pilks said we shouldn't just turn up

1:24:411:24:43

but no-one was answering the phone and your website's shut down.

1:24:431:24:47

Well, I can tell you what I'm going to tell the Daily Mail, if you like.

1:24:471:24:50

-But you're not going to like it.

-Give Barrie the...

1:24:501:24:53

God, I'll forget my head next.

1:24:531:24:55

I was having a clear-out and this was in a cupboard.

1:24:551:24:59

Do you remember?

1:24:591:25:01

I should say.

1:25:011:25:03

They're what landed me in the Old Bailey.

1:25:041:25:07

Look, girls, I...

1:25:081:25:09

Girls!

1:25:091:25:11

Well, you're girls to me.

1:25:111:25:13

Shall we sit down?

1:25:141:25:15

You're going to read it in the paper anyway

1:25:351:25:38

so you might as well hear it now.

1:25:381:25:40

HE CHUCKLES

1:25:441:25:46

Your Miss Hatto and my Joyce were perhaps not quite the same person.

1:25:481:25:53

DICTAPHONE HUMS Oh, my God! It still works.

1:25:541:25:57

Oh, yes. That's why we brought it.

1:25:571:26:00

We interviewed Miss Hatto for the school mag.

1:26:001:26:03

We thought you might like to hear it. The tape was still in it.

1:26:031:26:07

GIRL: 'Miss Hatto...

1:26:091:26:11

'Oh, sorry, Birdy, what am I asking first?'

1:26:111:26:14

'(What's the best thing about being a concert pianist?)'

1:26:141:26:16

'Yes, sorry. Miss Hatto, can you tell us, please,

1:26:161:26:19

'what is the best thing about being a concert pianist?

1:26:191:26:22

'Well, I think it's that every time you sit down to play,

1:26:221:26:27

'you don't actually know what's going to happen

1:26:271:26:29

'because every concert is different, every audience is different.

1:26:291:26:33

'And you don't always want them to say, "Wasn't Joyce Hatto wonderful?"

1:26:361:26:40

'Or you don't even necessarily want them to say,

1:26:401:26:43

'"Wasn't Chopin wonderful?" or Bach or Beethoven.

1:26:431:26:46

'I want them to go away feeling

1:26:461:26:49

'something wonderful and special has happened just to them.

1:26:491:26:52

'And what's the worst thing?

1:26:521:26:55

-'Birdy!

-What?

1:26:551:26:57

'Well, it...it can be quite lonely.

1:26:571:27:00

'I'm very lucky, I have the most encouraging husband.

1:27:001:27:03

'I can get a little bit discouraged sometimes

1:27:031:27:06

'when a piece doesn't quite go as I think it should

1:27:061:27:09

'and I say, "Oh, Barrie I can't do this," and "Barrie, I can't do that"

1:27:091:27:13

'and he says, "Go on, you can do it."

1:27:131:27:15

'And he's right, I can.'

1:27:151:27:17

Sorry.

1:27:181:27:19

I just thought you might like to hear her voice.

1:27:211:27:24

We should scarper, Birdy.

1:27:261:27:28

-No, no, stay.

-No, no. We can read it in the papers.

1:27:281:27:31

-You don't owe us an explanation.

-It's just that

1:27:311:27:33

because she always said playing music was about being honest,

1:27:331:27:37

we couldn't really believe

1:27:371:27:39

that she would have had anything to do with something fraudulent.

1:27:391:27:43

She didn't.

1:27:471:27:48

She didn't?

1:27:491:27:51

Oh, Pilks. She really didn't?

1:27:511:27:53

She didn't know anything about it.

1:27:581:28:01

As far as she was concerned, the recordings were as she played them.

1:28:011:28:05

So they were her recordings?

1:28:061:28:08

Absolutely they were.

1:28:081:28:10

The trouble was, poor thing...

1:28:251:28:28

When she played, she would make these little noises,

1:28:301:28:34

little cries of pain.

1:28:341:28:37

She didn't even know she was doing them.

1:28:371:28:40

So I had to find a way to patch them up

1:28:401:28:44

and yes, it's a fair cop in a sense,

1:28:441:28:48

I... I made little edits,

1:28:481:28:51

but I never took a whole movement,

1:28:511:28:54

not even a whole bar.

1:28:541:28:56

'It can get a bit lonely,

1:29:011:29:04

'but I'm very lucky, I have the most encouraging husband.

1:29:041:29:07

'I can get a little bit discouraged sometimes

1:29:071:29:09

'when a piece doesn't go quite as I think it should

1:29:091:29:12

'and I say, "Oh, Barrie, I can't do this,"

1:29:121:29:15

'and "Barrie, I can't do that,"

1:29:151:29:16

'and he says, "Go on, you can do it.

1:29:161:29:19

'And he's right, I can.

1:29:191:29:21

'He always says that I'm the engine driver and he's the oily rag

1:29:221:29:27

'and sometimes you need an oily rag to get the engine going.'

1:29:271:29:31

I don't care if the only thing you ever manage to play

1:29:311:29:34

is The Teddy Bear's Picnic.

1:29:341:29:36

You know, if you play it with passion, commitment and truth,

1:29:361:29:40

then you'll have my vote.

1:29:401:29:42

And you'll make me a very happy Hatto.

1:29:421:29:45

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