Tair: Cariad Erin x

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-Ladies and gentlemen, please give

-a warm welcome to Miss Erin Hughes.

-APPLAUSE

-I'm a Ms. Yes, a Ms.

-I've been a Miss,

-I've been a Mrs and now I'm a Ms.

-OK?

-Well, hello. Is everyone OK?

-Well, hello. Is everyone OK?

-

-Yes!

-Very good. How many of you

-here tonight are single? Hands up.

-Oh. About half of you.

-Not bad.

-That means there are

-quite a few happily marrieds here.

-Great.

-How many of you here tonight

-are divorced? Hands up.

-Estranged.

-There are about five of you.

-Just so that you know,

-you are my people.

-Yay!

-I feel your pain.

-I'm going to tell you

-how to spend your settlements.

-Booze!

-CHEERING

-What did I get from my husband?

-Well, I got a car. I got a house.

-And I got

-a very nasty dose of thrush.

-No, not really!

-But what I got from him

-was a new name.

-Mrs Erin Fleming.

-Imagine that.

-A surname that makes me

-sound like I'm good at...

-..phlegming.

-Nice, eh?

-Why couldn't I have fallen

-for someone called...

-..Martin Angelbody?

-Life would've been a lot easier.

-Jo? Red or white?

-Lovely.

-Bring the measuring jug with you.

-I've saved 85.

-Who's going to look at my feet?

-You're going

-to a wedding in Chester.

-Why buy a new dress, hat and bag...

-..if you're going to wear

-horrible shoes?

-OK, you're right.

-Don't forget to measure it.

-There's a weigh-in tomorrow night.

-Have you heard from the builder?

-The bloke who came

-to quote for work on the patio?

-You said he was very chatty.

-You said he was very chatty.

-

-He's 10 years younger than me.

-The riper the fruit,

-the better the taste.

-That's what Sali Cil-Yr-Ywen

-used to say.

-Four Pro Plus points.

-You'd better not. No, don't. No.

-You shouldn't.

-I don't know what I'd have done

-without my best friend Joanne.

-She's been through a divorce too.

-Mine.

-She was the one

-who wanted to castrate Kevin...

-..in the middle of John Lewis...

-..with a garlic press.

-Seriously!

-Fair play,

-Jo's great for saying it as it is...

-..especially after

-a glass or two of wine.

-Fair play to her.

-She's good with men too.

-We were in a bar the other night and

-a man offered to buy her a drink.

-"No, thanks," she said.

-"Why not?" he asked.

-"It has a strange effect

-on my legs," she said.

-"Does it make them swell?" he asked.

-"No, it makes them part."

-Joanne.

-Anyway, Jo has a new boyfriend now.

-His name's Marvin.

-That's right, Marvin.

-Like this gentleman

-in the front row here...

-..I'm guessing

-Marvin had a shit time in school.

-Not because they called him gay...

-..but because everyone

-wanted sexual healing from him.

-Poor dab.

-Right then. All you single men,

-on your feet, please.

-You'll have to go back

-and buy those shoes.

-I don't want to look

-like mutton dressed as lamb.

-You're on the pull in this wedding,

-don't forget.

-I don't know if I want to go.

-You can't pull out now.

-No, it's just...

-You might meet someone.

-You definitely will

-when I put you on a dating site.

-Everyone does it.

-Maybe even Kevin has.

-That doesn't help.

-What's the Welsh word

-for fascinator?

-I don't know.

-Diddorol?

-Diddorolyn.

-Diddorolyn!

-Ooh, I love your fascinator!

-And I love yours.

-I'm going to tickle

-Marvin's fancy with my fascinator...

-..until I get his full attention.

-Smile.

-Are halter-necks good for big boobs?

-Yes, they're meant to be. Take it.

-That's what Gok Wan says.

-"A halter-neck to emphasize

-those bad boys." I love Gok.

-Marvin would be good

-on Good Look Naked.

-Marvin's body's like corrugated

-zinc. He doesn't eat carbs.

-He's a lion in bed.

-Going out with a hunk

-puts real pressure on me.

-We're going to have

-a good clear-out here.

-Out with the old, in with the new.

-This is nice.

-I don't know if I could cope.

-Go and fetch a bag so that

-we can start putting them in.

-I bought this in Rhodes.

-Summer 2008.

-It was expensive too.

-It was all over by then.

-I remember you coming back.

-You were slim and brown as a berry.

-It was scorching there...

-..but I felt so cold inside.

-Your divorce dress.

-It's four years in August.

-Four? God!

-That's the night

-you did stand-up for the first time.

-I didn't force you to do it.

-I didn't force you to do it.

-

-I was drunk.

-You were hilarious...

-..ranting about Kevin

-and his redundant willy.

-You're so much happier now.

-Do you think so?

-I'm single, divorced.

-I'm going to my first wedding

-with you as my plus one.

-You're gorgeous, you own

-your own home, you do stand-up.

-You won't be single for very long.

-And I'm not a plus anything,

-thank you very much.

-I'm on my way to my target weight.

-Does it look like I've lost weight?

-Does it look like I've lost weight?

-

-Yes.

-Muscle weighs more than fat.

-Muscle weighs more than fat.

-

-I mean it.

-That's what I like about you.

-You're honest.

-That was Kevin's problem.

-He wasn't honest with you

-or with himself.

-He was honest for 11 years.

-Marvin's honest.

-He's a typical alpha male,

-full of witty banter.

-You'll love him.

-Oh, my God!

-You've kept your wedding dress.

-What was I thinking?

-Now that's what you call a meringue.

-Pavlova.

-Where's the train?

-That was beautiful. Did you keep it?

-No. Auntie Luned

-made curtains out of it.

-They're nice too.

-I remember you walking in,

-with that long train behind you.

-She's the one.

-It was Kevin who chose it.

-What do you have there?

-Do you remember him?

-Do you remember him?

-

-Oh, Huw Bach.

-He was fit.

-Joanne was like a stalker

-chasing Huw Bach at the wedding.

-She wanted

-to keep the tradition alive...

-..of the bridesmaid

-copping off with the best man.

-By the first dance, she was

-hanging off Huw Bach's neck...

-..like a koala bear...

-..in satin.

-Peach. Pissed.

-Huw Bach was drunk as a skunk too.

-His stomach

-and the room were spinning.

-But unfortunately...

-..Joanne's corsage

-got stuck in Huw Bach's suit.

-The last people saw...

-..was Huw Bach

-bombing to the toilet to throw up...

-..with Joanne

-stuck to him like Velcro!

-It was like a scene

-out of James Bond.

-What's Huw up to these days?

-I don't know.

-About two years later,

-after Christmas...

-..he and Rhodri Goggles

-stopped visiting.

-Did Kevin say why?

-No. He just said they were pissheads

-and needed to grow up.

-If you ask me, I reckon

-they caught him with someone else.

-What are you going to do with it?

-I don't know.

-I don't know.

-

-You could put it on eBay.

-No.

-On Preloved. Like me.

-When Kevin left, I kept finding

-bits of him around the house...

-..like a rolled-up sock

-resembling a little hedgehog...

-..under the bed.

-Yuck!

-Or a pair of his pants among

-my bloomers, that type of thing.

-One year, I bought him

-a pair of novelty pants.

-I don't know why...

-..but ones

-in the shape of an elephant...

-..with a large ear here...

-..a large ear here...

-..and a trunk where you

-were meant to put your trunk.

-If you know what I mean.

-But Kevin never managed to put

-his trunk where it was meant to go.

-Whoo-hoo!

-Hello, Kevin!

-Yuck!

-I don't have a bodycon dress.

-Can I try it on?

-Can I try it on?

-

-Of course.

-It's quite stretchy.

-It's tight on me.

-It might be easier

-if I stepped into it.

-I'll go out and try it on

-for you to have the full effect.

-It'll look fab with this.

-Very Kate Middleton.

-Very.

-It's quite tight.

-Flipping heck.

-Almost there!

-Ooh! Ooh!

-LOUD THUD

-Jo? Are you alright, Jo?

-Jo! Jo! Can you hear me, Jo?!

-Jo?!

-Please answer me. Jo!

-DOORBELL

-Hello?

-Hello?

-

-Marvin.

-I'm Marvin.

-Joanne's Marvin?

-Hello. I'll go and get Joanne.

-How is she?

-How is she?

-

-Beautiful.

-Jo!

-God, how are you?

-Stiff.

-I'm sure

-you don't want to go to Chester now.

-Too bloody right. We're still going.

-Here we are. Right. Careful.

-Take my coat.

-Oh!

-Mind the step.

-Take your time.

-Oh!

-OK, honey puff?

-Are you comfortable there?

-Is that better?

-I'll be OK now, pumpkin.

-I'd better go to the library.

-Text me

-when you're ready to come home.

-No alcohol, Erin.

-Joanne's on strong painkillers.

-Yes, alright.

-Ta-ta, Marvin.

-It was nice to meet you.

-Honey puff? Pumpkin?

-Oh, that bloody neck brace

-is killing me.

-Joanne!

-He likes to make a fuss of me

-so why should I spoil his fun?

-So there's nothing wrong with you!

-The nurse said

-I could have broken a bone.

-If I had, I'd have to wear

-that neck brace for a fortnight.

-The chair was optional

-but Marvin insisted.

-So you're fooling him, are you?

-There's nothing wrong with a brace

-and chair between consenting adults.

-I could have broken something.

-I could have broken something.

-

-You did, actually.

-Has the bloke phoned to quote?

-Who?

-Who?

-

-Hugh Jackman.

-Who do you think? The builder.

-No.

-He could have phoned you.

-Get your laptop

-for me to create a profile for you.

-No.

-Go and fetch the laptop.

-Go and fetch the laptop.

-

-The Internet is full of weirdos.

-There might be

-a decent photo of you in here.

-Kevin's Rolex? I thought you said

-he'd lost it when he moved out?

-He went to the police.

-I kept it as insurance

-in case I was strapped for cash.

-He had half of everything,

-which is more than he deserves.

-Do you think

-I should give it back to him?

-No, I didn't say that.

-Ooh! You bought new shoes after all.

-These are fab.

-I was in the shop at 9 o'clock.

-Don't put them on the table!

-Ding-dong, Ms Hughes.

-Who are you trying to please?

-Bob the Builder?

-Starting the dating game again...

-..makes you wonder

-what your underwear says about you.

-If you have a picture

-of Marge Simpson on your bloomers...

-..then you don't deserve

-to have sex.

-What do a man's pants say about him?

-What about a man who wears those

-aertex things with holes in them?

-They look like teabags!

-Or what about

-if his pants are so tight...

-..he's holding back a hernia?

-Or how about

-when you get down to it...

-..and the bloke is wearing Spanx?

-But the biggest concern,

-of course...

-..is man who wears a thong.

-Who in his right mind...

-..thinks that a piece

-of dental floss...

-..can keep two tomatoes

-and a courgette under control?

-Kevin was so good-looking.

-You'd have had beautiful children.

-Do you ever regret

-not having children with him?

-He didn't want any.

-I remember reaching the point

-in our marriage...

-..when I knew

-we weren't going to have children.

-That was that.

-What a shame.

-Things changed.

-Looking back, it's plain to see...

-..he didn't want me.

-He just didn't want me.

-It's a difficult job

-choosing a profile picture...

-..because everyone chooses

-a younger picture of themselves.

-Come on, you all do it.

-I know you do.

-But choosing a picture

-in school uniform and pigtails...

-..is a bit dodgy, isn't it?

-Especially if you're

-a 16-stone trucker from Rhyl...

-..and your name's Geoff!

-Right, you have to think of

-three words that best describe you.

-Warm.

-Funny.

-Sexy.

-Sexy.

-

-Don't use sexy.

-Warm. Funny.

-No, you're right.

-Here's a tip for you, ladies.

-If the top of a man's head

-has been chopped off a photograph...

-..you're guaranteed that

-the bloke is as bald as Matt Lucas.

-DOORBELL

-Hiya.

-Hiya.

-

-Hi.

-"Up. For. Anything."

-Those are the three words

-you used to describe me.

-I've had 62 emails

-that are either disgusting...

-..suggestive

-or just downright weird.

-Really? 62 responses!

-It's not funny.

-Give it here.

-I'll change the description.

-How long will you keep this up?

-How long will you keep this up?

-

-Only until the wedding.

-You're cool about creating a new

-profile, aren't you? A proper one?

-Yes.

-But I doubt anyone

-would be interested in me.

-There's someone out there for you.

-I loved Kevin.

-You're better off without him.

-R&B MUSIC

-# Hey, girl

-# You got me going through #

-# Thinking of something to say

-before I lose my... #

-# Like this

-# I'll... #

-MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

-"Hiya, babe. Joanne here.

-Leave a message after the beep.

-Joanne here.

-Leave a message after the beep."

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-This feels like saying goodbye

-to a lover before going to war.

-It's easy to confuse a weekend in

-Chester with a tour of Afghanistan.

-Be careful, honey puff.

-Be careful, honey puff.

-

-We'll only be away for two nights.

-Bye, Marvin!

-Bye-bye, my gorgeous pumpkin!

-Be sure to dream about me!

-Oi! Wait for me!

-What's all this pumpkin business?

-He has a nice bottom.

-He has a nice bottom.

-

-Like a pumpkin?

-Two pumpkins, actually.

-Thank goodness for that.

-This business with Marvin

-and the neck brace is weird.

-Weird in a good way. Have you had

-more responses to your profile?

-No, but a Derwyn from Swansea

-contacted me...

-..asking

-if I liked dressing up as a clown.

-Honestly. A clown!

-What's wrong with that?

-Weirdo.

-Hi. Erin Hughes.

-I've got a twin room.

-If you could

-just sign there for me, please.

-Peaches.

-Peaches.

-

-We have a message for you.

-I want a bath

-and a large glass of red wine.

-Can I leave that

-for the wedding party, please?

-Marvin's upgraded us. No man

-has ever done that for me before.

-Really?

-There are some people

-like Joanne who love romance.

-You know,

-that thing called romance.

-Just silly little gestures

-like receiving flowers...

-..or a cake

-with a message written on it.

-In fact, I remember Joanne

-having a cake with writing on it.

-But she was disappointed.

-This is what was written on it.

-I love you...

-..and I want it written

-in pink icing with sparkles...

-..and a balloon attached to it.

-A hell of a long cake!

-It just goes to show that you can

-never bank on the IQ of a baker.

-"I miss you so much, honey puff.

-"Enjoy the wedding and the bubbles."

-Upgrade and champagne -

-he's such a sweetheart.

-Yo, Jo,

-he hasn't got us an upgrade...

-..but a disabled room...

-..because of that

-blinking neck brace.

-He was only thinking of me.

-But you aren't disabled.

-What if a disabled person

-needed the room?

-And what about the photographs?

-Have you thought about that?

-Marvin will expect to see you

-in a neck brace tomorrow...

-..so you'll have to wear it.

-You'll have to wear it around

-the hotel in case we lose the room.

-RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

-Was it a good night?

-Lewis Rees, hotel manager.

-Erin.

-Joanne. It's nice to meet you.

-Have you had an accident?

-Well, I do stand-up comedy...

-..and was trying out

-something new for the act.

-I've never met

-a stand-up comic before.

-Joanne?

-Do you need a hand?

-You're out of practice there, I see.

-They're harder than bras

-to take off.

-Thank you.

-Can I buy you both a drink?

-Can I buy you both a drink?

-

-Not for me, thanks.

-I want some FaceTime

-with my boyfriend...

-..but Erin would be delighted.

-Brandy is her tipple. Thank you.

-Yes, one drink.

-Goodnight! Enjoy yourselves.

-I like flirting.

-There are

-three things I do when I'm flirting.

-Firstly, I flutter my eyelashes.

-Secondly, I'm funny and charming.

-And thirdly, I show my tits.

-But not tonight. Not tonight.

-Flirting is difficult

-when you're out of practice.

-Taking things

-to the next level is impossible.

-To tell you the truth,

-Jo had a nightmarish ordeal.

-She went to

-Keith Plumpton's parents' home...

-..to do it for the first time.

-Keith Plumpton's parents...

-..had gone on holiday.

-Do you know where this one's going?

-His parents came home early

-from their holiday.

-Jo was butt naked

-in the living room.

-So she went to hide

-behind the curtains.

-Mr and Mrs Plumpton came in...

-..and had a perfectly normal

-conversation with their son...

-..though he was sitting

-in the living room in his pants.

-Anyway, as they

-were leaving the living room...

-..Mrs Plumpton

-turned round and said...

-.."Keith, that's a lovely shade of

-nail varnish under those curtains."

-Are you still awake?

-I've been sex-texting Marvin.

-Eurgh! What, for two hours?

-Eurgh! What, for two hours?

-

-He had a dodgy signal.

-Come on. Spill.

-Is he married? Single? Divorced?

-No, yes, yes.

-What have you been doing?

-What have you been doing?

-

-We had a drink.

-Mr Right is out there somewhere.

-Mr Right is out there somewhere.

-

-Don't tell me.

-Sali Cil-Yr-Ywen!

-Nothing gets on my pip...

-..more than people

-offering a cliche...

-..when a relationship has ended...

-..to make you feel better.

-Especially if you're the one

-who's been dumped. Brilliant!

-"There are

-plenty more fish in the sea."

-And crabs!

-You've got a picture of Marvin

-on your pillow!

-He has one of me too.

-Budge up.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Good morning.

-What a sweetheart!

-What a sweetheart!

-

-Compliments of the manager.

-Thank you. One, two, three.

-You did really well.

-Some could never have done what

-you did today. I'm so proud of you.

-Having a good time?

-Yes, thank you.

-And thanks for the breakfast too.

-PEOPLE APPLAUD

-I should have realized

-he was gay straight away.

-Oh, that's an oxymoron!

-Never mind!

-I was the one

-stealing his toiletries.

-He used

-Creme de la Mer, for God's sake!

-Erin...

-Congratulations.

-Thank you for coming.

-Sorry, you haven't met.

-Lewis, this is Kevin.

-Lewis, this is Kevin.

-

-Erin's ex-husband.

-Congratulations.

-Lewis Rees. We've spoken

-on the phone. I'm the hotel manager.

-Yes, of course.

-Greg...

-..congratulations.

-Anyway, I'm back on the market...

-..you'll be pleased to hear.

-And I'm searching for a partner.

-Wahey!

-But what if that man

-is sitting right under my nose?

-Wahey!

-Is there anyone here

-with a sensible surname...

-..such as Jones, Roberts or Thomas?

-What about you there with the beard?

-Come on up. I've chosen my victim.

-Up you come.

-Come and stand here.

-What's your name, sir?

-Stephen Matthews.

-Oh, Stephen Matthews. Erin Matthews.

-Erin Matthews.

-Congratulations, Stephen,

-because you've pulled!

-See you in the bar later,

-Stephen Matthews.

-I've been Erin Hughes

-and you've been blinking marvellous!

-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.

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