Yr Oedi

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-He should come today.

-He should be here soon.

-He should come.

-BABY CRIES

-BABY SCREAMS

-This is where my mother died.

-On this very bed.

-After giving birth to me.

-She was nineteen.

-It's strange to think

-I'm older than my mother was then.

-I killed her.

-There isn't a nice way to put it.

-I was an hour old...

-..and already a murderer.

-Did my father blame me?

-That would only be natural.

-I took his young wife from him.

-If it wasn't for me,

-she'd still be here.

-Did he hate me as a baby?

-An only child,

-whom he raised and fed.

-Was he forced to love me...

-..all the time

-trying his best not to hate me?

-BABY CRIES

-I have a memory of Mam.

-A fictitious memory, of course.

-It's the only memory I have of her.

-She knew she was fading...

-..the blood

-slowly seeping into the sheets.

-She knew she was going.

-But she found strength

-from somewhere.

-She held me tight and let me suck

-the little life she had left in her.

-She looked into my eyes,

-imagining my future.

-She could see me growing up,

-blossoming.

-She loved me with all of her heart

-for that hour.

-She smiled when she closed her eyes.

-I was still on her breast...

-..unaware

-that everything had changed.

-My mother loved me

-with all her heart.

-To be like my mother,

-that was my aim.

-To love my child with all my heart.

-She's gone now.

-When I saw Tomos in the town square

-during the fair...

-..I knew straight away.

-It was a month after my father died.

-With him, I felt I belonged...

-..to someone, to somewhere.

-I could conquer loneliness with him.

-He was the familiar face in a crowd.

-He was a local lad,

-a year older than me at school.

-His parents were dead too.

-He was strong.

-We were married within three months.

-I came to live with him here.

-His inheritance.

-I had nothing, apart from some

-of my father's plants and books...

-..and the bed.

-He was desperate for an heir.

-For a son, to carry on the line...

-..to help on the farm,

-to give purpose to life.

-All the other farms were blessed

-with sons to share the burden.

-It was my womb that he wanted.

-Wanting a son

-became an obsession for Tomos.

-I'm sure he thought

-that our failure to conceive...

-..made him less of a man...

-..and me less of a wife.

-I couldn't justify my existence

-if I didn't produce a son.

-I was on my own, all day.

-Time passed.

-Stopped.

-Slowed down.

-I went to lie down,

-overcome by pain.

-Tomos didn't believe me.

-"It's too soon," he said.

-And it was too soon.

-Too soon.

-He had his wish.

-He had a son.

-But things weren't right.

-Something was wrong.

-I was being punished.

-Oh, God.

-Take me.

-But I beg you, let the baby live.

-The lower half of my body swelled,

-and the pain moved...

-..as if it moved with the baby.

-I pushed out.

-The pain disappeared.

-I heard a cry.

-"We have a baby boy,"

-said the midwife.

-For an instant,

-everything was perfect.

-The pain had gone, a healthy cry,

-and the midwife washed him.

-One tiny instant.

-And then she stood next to me,

-holding our son in her arms.

-She put him on my breast.

-I felt something through

-the blanket, something strange.

-"Don't be scared," she said.

-"But I've had a look.

-"There's a deformity.

-"It's his back and legs."

-Yes, Tomos had a son.

-"Put him under the bed."

-Everything went quiet.

-Tomos had gone.

-I mustered enough strength...

-..enough strength to get up.

-I got out of bed

-and went on my knees.

-I put my son under the bed.

-I've spent my life

-trying to understand why.

-Why did I obey?

-I've been over and over it.

-Analysed it, dissected it,

-broken it down, tried to unravel it.

-I can't get to it.

-I can't touch it.

-I don't understand.

-"Put him under the bed.

-"There's nothing else we can do.

-"For the sake of everyone,

-put him under the bed."

-And that's what I did.

-I obeyed.

-How long is a second?

-Then I saved him.

-I picked him up off the floor.

-I stayed there with him

-as he suckled.

-I cuddled and fed him.

-I looked into his eyes

-and imagined the future.

-Seeing him grow up, blossoming.

-I was going to name him

-after my father...

-..then I remembered a name

-I'd loved years ago.

-Asa.

-I'd seen it

-on one of my father's books.

-"Elements Of Botany" by Asa Gray.

-I didn't discuss it with Tomos.

-He was mine.

-I saved him, so he was mine.

-It was him that said,

-"Put him under the bed."

-His own son.

-Because he wasn't good enough

-for him.

-Because he wasn't perfect.

-He should come today.

-He should be here soon.

-He should come.

-Asa is like me.

-He loves plants, he tries

-to understand how they work...

-..the structure of living things.

-He'd dissected them

-ever since he was a boy.

-He'd have bad spells.

-Terrible pains

-in his back and head.

-I'd take him upstairs,

-lay him on his side...

-..with a pillow between his legs.

-I'd kneel by his bedside

-and stroke his forehead...

-..stroke his hair,

-hoping I was dulling the pain.

-I was glad for the chance

-to be close to him.

-Asa wasn't strong enough

-to go to school.

-I taught him here, in the safety

-of the house, kept him close.

-He was an exceptional boy,

-always asking why.

-He was thirsty for knowledge.

-He wanted to know everything.

-For a while,

-ours was a small, cosy world.

-Then war broke out.

-Asa, Tomos and I sat in chapel...

-..listening to the minister

-encouraging more boys to enlist.

-Tomos agreeing.

-Asa asking questions,

-wanting to know why.

-I was fiercely against it...

-..but silent.

-In our war...

-..there were no words.

-Not a word.

-Just a cloak of silence.

-And then the remembrance services

-became a part of daily life.

-All those boys, all those sons lost.

-Sons like the ones

-Tomos had longed for.

-But Asa was alive.

-He was exceptional.

-He was growing in the wasteland

-his father and I created around him.

-He grew, developed,

-changed every day.

-He inspired me

-and everyone around him.

-Who would have thought it?

-I was hoping

-Tomos would be called up.

-To leave me and Asa alone.

-It wasn't to be.

-He had essential work to do here.

-Tomos, essential.

-I didn't share the bed with Tomos

-after the night Asa was born.

-He slept in the small bedroom

-on his own.

-Asa was next to me

-in the big bedroom.

-I'd lie there for hours,

-listening to the sounds...

-..mesmerized

-by the sound of his breathing...

-..treasuring every breath.

-I tried to understand

-how something so poisonous...

-..could create

-something so beautiful.

-I've never experienced

-anything close to that bliss.

-LAUGHTER AND CHILD SPEAKING

-He came to me...

-..and said that he wanted to sleep

-in the same room as his father.

-When I said

-I didn't think it was a good idea...

-..a shadow came over him.

-I remember it well.

-He couldn't understand why not.

-I almost told him everything,

-there and then.

-How his father wanted him dead

-on the night he was born.

-How I saved him.

-That he was only alive

-because of me.

-That it would be better for him

-to stay away from his father.

-But I woke one morning

-and the bed was empty.

-I heard them through the wall.

-They were talking and laughing.

-Sharing a joke.

-Sharing a secret.

-He went of his own free will.

-He chose his father.

-VOICES

-He wasn't fit to live,

-according to his own father.

-He didn't want him.

-"Suffocate him, Mari.

-He's not fit to live."

-I was pretending to make a broth.

-I'd put everything in a cup

-with a little river water.

-I remember

-an abundance of daffodils.

-My father had dug up the roots

-to replant them somewhere else.

-I saw them, a neat row of roots

-lying by the bridge.

-They looked like onions.

-I was in my element.

-I looked over.

-My father had stopped in his tracks

-and was staring at me...

-..with an odd look in his eyes.

-He was still, like a statue.

-When I looked up again,

-he hadn't moved at all.

-Then he came alive.

-He ran towards me, grabbed my arm

-and dragged me to my feet.

-He took my cup and threw

-its contents into the river.

-I didn't understand.

-"Never eat daffodils, Mari.

-Do you hear?"

-That's when I learnt

-that the roots were poisonous.

-How could something so poisonous

-produce such a beautiful daffodil?

-It was a mystery to me.

-I pored over the pictures

-in Asa Gray's book for hours.

-They showed the inside of the root.

-I tried my best to see the poison.

-But I couldn't find it.

-I couldn't see it.

-I couldn't forget

-the look on my father's face.

-How he hesitated

-before he saved me.

-I saved him.

-I snatched him from his coffin.

-"Suffocate him. Kill him.

-Put him under the bed."

-Tomos was a different person

-around Asa.

-He came to life in his company.

-They'd roam the fields.

-All day, sometimes.

-I was envious.

-I missed him so much,

-I felt physically sick.

-I couldn't wait

-for him to return...

-..to turn back

-to the plants and the books.

-He was bright.

-He questioned everything...

-..and I had to find the answers.

-I learnt in his wake.

-But he didn't want to stay here.

-I couldn't blame him.

-He had to go.

-He had to escape

-so that he could breathe.

-Tomos feared for him.

-Feared he was too weak, but no.

-He was strong. He was full of life.

-I wanted him to go,

-but when the day came...

-..when the time came

-for him to go to college...

-..the pain was physical.

-I stood here watching him go.

-Did I try too hard?

-Did I push him too far?

-I couldn't make him laugh

-like Tomos could.

-But I had a duty to fulfil.

-To make sure he grew and blossomed.

-That was my purpose.

-To make up

-for the injustice he suffered...

-..on the night he was born.

-If he could prove himself,

-and show how outstanding he was...

-..then maybe I could forget.

-Those seconds under the bed...

-..would cease to be.

-Mari.

-I won't see autumn.

-I have to talk to him.

-Explain what I did.

-I did it.

-I'm going to tell him, today.

-I have to.

-I have to tell him.

-What should I say?

-That those seconds

-changed everything.

-Nineteen years.

-The years have flown by,

-but time stands still.

-Tomos is stuck, I'm stuck.

-Rooted.

-Every birthday rolls into one...

-..merging into the moment.

-That night.

-I can't fathom what came next,

-nor escape from it.

-When he comes...

-..what will I say?

-A second, two, three.

-Perfect.

-Like the river's waters...

-..disappearing

-before I can catch them.

-That moment, that perfect moment...

-..already far, far away.

-Many years away.

-And then Tomos.

-His words.

-"Put him under the bed."

-I put...

-..my son...

-..under the bed.

-Under the bed!

-I buried him, before he could

-experience life's cruelties.

-That would be best.

-Best for who?

-Was I envious of him?

-Of Asa?

-He was my husband's child, not mine.

-Tomos wanted a son

-because I wasn't enough.

-I wasn't enough for him.

-The disappointment.

-His little voice.

-Quiet, at first, under the bed.

-And then it grew stronger.

-I knew there was a sound...

-..but I couldn't hear it.

-Or I didn't want to hear it.

-I couldn't look at him.

-I remember.

-The disappointment.

-The shame.

-Did I want him to die?

-How long was he there,

-under the bed?

-How many seconds?

-How many minutes?

-How many years?

-The crying stopped.

-For how long?

-For how many seconds was he there?

-Minutes, years.

-Fearing he was dead?

-Or fearing that he was alive?

-There was a coffin.

-I put my son in a coffin...

-..and put him under the bed.

-What will I say to him...

-..when he comes?

-What will I say?

-You saved him, Mari.

-You.

-# Lamentate #

-Arvo Part

-Subtitles by Gwead

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