Roald Dahl's Esio Trot


Roald Dahl's Esio Trot

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Transcript


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I don't know about you,

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but to me there's something a bit funny about tortoises.

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The way even the teenagers are wrinkly.

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I bet that leads to some awkward moments.

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"Oh, Brian, I love you so much. How old are you?"

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"I'm 17. How old are you, Janet?"

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"I'm 86." "Goodness me. You're old enough to be my grandmother."

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"Yeah, actually, Brian,

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-"I

-AM

-your grandmother."

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But the story I want to tell you,

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although it does involve tortoises, it doesn't begin with a tortoise.

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It begins with a man called Mr Hoppy.

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'Mr Hoppy, the hero of our story,

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'lived in a nice flat in an apartment block in London.

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'There are three things you should know about Mr Hoppy.

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'He's kind...

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'he's shy...

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'and most importantly - he's not that guy in the hat.'

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Oh, are you OK, Mr Mavrokoukoudopolous?

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'He's the man in the lift.'

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No rush, Mr Mavrokoukoudopolous. I'm holding the door.

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-Take your ti...

-Whoa!

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Ah!

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You care for a crisp, Mr Pringle?

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Ah, yes.

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Lovely.

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'And don't worry if he doesn't look the flashiest of fellows.

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'I've learnt that very often in life,

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'it's the quiet, unassuming ones

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'who turn out to be the most interesting.'

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HE SIGHS

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I'll have to fix that.

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MUSIC FROM STEREO: A Kiss To Build A Dream On by Louis Armstrong

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HE TURNS VOLUME UP

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HE SINGS ALONG: # Give me a kiss to build a dream on... #

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'I think we can safely say Mr Hoppy lives alone.

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'Either that or his family are very small eaters

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'and all having a sleep at the moment.'

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Bom bom bom...

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'No. He lives alone.'

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# Give me a kiss before you leave me... #

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'But don't worry,

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'this isn't going to be one of those stories where a lonely bloke

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'wanders around a flat for two hours

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'and then dies alone of a horrible disease.

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'It's going to be full of passion and surprises -

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'as indeed is our Mr Hoppy.'

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MUSIC CONTINUES

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Raspberry Cream, meet Wisley Vanilla.

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# Oh, give me your lips for just a moment

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# And my imagination

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# Will make that moment live

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# Oh, give me what you alone can give

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# A kiss to build a dream on. #

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The truth is there were two loves in Mr Hoppy's life.

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One was his flowers

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and the other was a secret love he kept all to himself.

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And like so many secrets,

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it was the most important thing of all about him.

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Because Mr Hoppy was in love...

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with the girl downstairs.

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WOMAN: Good morning, Mr Hoppy.

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Ah.

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Mrs Silver.

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Hello.

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Hello.

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By the way, our story is mainly concerned with this -

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the second love.

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If you want to find out about the flowers, watch Gardeners' World.

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I mean, I like plants as much as the next bloke, but this is very much

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not a "will or won't the dahlias blossom before the frost kicks in?"

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type of thing.

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Oh, wait, I think that's mine. Hey!

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Hey!

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Another absolutely gorgeous morning.

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Yes. Gorgeous. Absolutely.

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Another one of them.

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The sort of weather that makes me want to just

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take off all my clothes and dive naked into the nearest lake.

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Don't you think, Mr Hoppy?

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-Mr Hoppy?

-Yes.

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Yes, yes.

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Perfect weather for jumping into lakes

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wearing very little.

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'Sadly, Mr Hoppy was so shy,

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'he couldn't even ask Mrs Silver round for a cup of tea...'

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let alone dive stark naked into a lake with her.

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But he loved her.

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And he remembered the precise moment he'd fallen in love.

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'Which happened to be the first moment he ever met her -

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'five years ago.'

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Hold that lift!

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Oh, thank you so much, you darling man.

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Oh, they won't be long.

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-What floor are you?

-Four.

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Oh, isn't that lucky? I'm moving in on three, below you.

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I hope you're not one of those rowdy types,

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keeping me up all night with your hip-hop stylings.

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No. But my name is Mr Hoppy, in fact.

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Hoppy. Oh, what a gorgeous name!

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And do I detect a little American accent there?

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Well, yes, I am an American.

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Oh, how divine. Oh, you're a gorgeous bunch.

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From Cary Grant to Paul Newman,

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I can't keep my hands off the lot of you!

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Oh, I'm Mrs Silver. Lavinia. Facebook status - widowed.

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Ah. My Facebook status is "I'm not in the Facebook".

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No. Too busy living, I expect.

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Oh, come in, boys. We've held the lift.

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Come in.

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Would it be easier if I maybe took the next one,

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give you a little more room?

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No, no, it's just getting cosy!

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Wonderfully quiet lift.

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-That's very good news.

-Yes.

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I don't think anyone's actually pushed a button yet.

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Oh!

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I'm such a silly sausage sometimes.

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Ooh! SHE CHUCKLES

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You're four. I'm three.

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Perhaps I should press two and one as well and give us

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more time to get to know each other.

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'He never forgot that first brief encounter'

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and every time he met her from then on

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just made him love her even more. Summer.

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ELEVATOR BELL DINGS

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Don't you just love it when summer finally comes?

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Autumn.

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Oh.

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Always such a relief when summer's over.

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Mm.

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'Winter.'

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This is so much my favourite time of year.

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Spring.

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Oh.

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Spring at last!

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Doing something special tonight, Mrs Silver?

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Us midwives are going out for a good old knees-up.

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Funny when you think of it - when we spent our entire careers

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extracting babies from women lying with their knees up.

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Oh... I... I didn't know you were a midwife.

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Retired.

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I just thought if I can't have kids myself,

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I might as well just help others to have them.

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How wonderful.

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Well, perhaps you could come with me, Mr Hoppy?

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-You could waltz me off my feet.

-Oh, no. I... I...

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-I'm not a dancer.

-Nonsense.

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There's no such thing as "not a dancer" -

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just a person who's never found the right girl to dance with.

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You're American, for heaven's sake - the land that brought us

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Fred Astaire and John Travolta and...

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that naughty little Justin Timberlake.

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I know you can dance.

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-No, no, I can't.

-Can!

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No, I can't.

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Can!

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No, I really can't.

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You bloody well can!

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SHE HUMS HAPPILY

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'He loved her and longed for her to love him back

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'but there really were a lot of problems.

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'For one thing, unlike Mr Hoppy, Mrs Silver didn't live alone.

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'Well, she did for a while, but then she did something about it.'

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Ooh, ooh, ooh!

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Oh! Well, hooray!

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This is honestly the most exciting moment of my life.

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Come in. Come in!

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'She just went and got herself a new chap.'

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A chap called Alfie.

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Well...you are more gorgeous than I could possibly have dreamed.

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Oh, my darling. What heaven.

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We're going to have such a wonderful life together.

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'From then on, Mrs Silver dedicated all her love

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'and attention to her wrinkly companion.

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'And although he wasn't the world's greatest conversationalist,

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'she did quite enough talking for the both of them.'

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Look, Alfie, that's me on my wedding day.

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I'm not so sure about that dress any longer.

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Rather too much bust, I think you'll agree.

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SHE CHUCKLES

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Oh, and that chap there - that's my husband.

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Look how tall he is. 6'3".

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I only came up to his chest hair.

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I never once saw the top of his head.

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More a giant than a man.

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A wonderful posture.

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He was a perfect English gent...

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and a prize-winning dancer.

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Oh, he was so, so kind.

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The things we were going to do. And the...

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places we were going to go and the...

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..life we were going to lead.

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Oh, that's enough of me gabbing on. You must be exhausted.

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Time for your nap, my gorgeous.

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I love you so much. I really do.

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Even your little stubby legs.

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SHE CHUCKLES

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Our love will last a lifetime, Alfie.

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Sweet dreams.

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'Oh, how Mr Hoppy wished she was saying those words to him.'

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Not the ones about the little stubby legs, obviously,

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but the others, about love.

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His life was now terribly complicated -

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head over heels in love with a woman whose only interest in life

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was a small tortoise.

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If only he could find the words to convince her of his love.

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If only I'd been paying attention. I think I'm on the wrong bus.

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That's the problem with stories.

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You get swept up in them, you lose track.

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Does he get anywhere? Does she fall in love with him?

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You're going to have to wait, I'm afraid.

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PASSENGERS GROAN

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Mr Hoppy knew he had to say something.

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He had to tell her how he felt.

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Hello.

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Again.

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Isn't this perfect?

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Grab joy while you can, I say.

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Oh...

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You're right, completely right.

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And I was...just thinking...

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wondering, uh...

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whether...

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And the thing of it is, we've been neighbours for years.

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You live alone and I live alone...

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JAZZ PLAYS THROUGH HEADPHONES

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I just wondered whether...

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..you know...

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Oh, no, you're...

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You're right, best, best leave things as they are.

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On the contrary,

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I think you've got a very good point.

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It's high time we got to know each other.

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How about dinner tonight?

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-That's very kind of...

-Excellent.

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I'll pop round about six.

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Open-neck shirt, possibly, give you a glimpse of the old tan, eh?

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HE CHUCKLES

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Yummy.

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So, Hoppy, it's wonderful to have a chance to really,

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really get to know you.

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Find out about the man behind the mask, as it were.

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Yes, well, I...

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It's so easy, in life, to pass people in the lift

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and never really get to grips with who they are, where they come from.

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-That's so true.

-So, tell me everything -

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where you were born, where you grew up, what job you did,

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love, life, back problems - the whole caboodle.

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-Well, start at the beginning.

-Well...

-Born?

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Well, yes, I was born...

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Never match my story, I suspect.

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I was born in the back of a Volkswagen Beetle

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on Waterloo Bridge.

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-Oh.

-Dad went over a speed bump and out I plopped.

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Well, that's his story anyway.

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-Oh, well, I-I-I...

-It was downhill from there, really.

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Dad was in sausages, we moved to Germany.

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I spent from two until eight

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feasting on frankfurters und bratwurst,

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and then sent straight back here to boarding school.

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You board?

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-No, no...

-Got used to it, though.

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Made a wonderful friend, Isherwood.

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Huge feet...

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tiny ears.

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Are you done?

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So there I was, assistant manager.

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Only 23.

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Still allergic to cats, unfortunately, but...

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"You must be joking, Giles," I said, and walked straight out,

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still in full Wonder Woman costume...

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A whole octopus!

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HE CACKLES

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But that's enough about me - what about you?

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BELLS TOLL

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-Well, we may have to do me next time.

-Nonsense.

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What brought you to England? The full story.

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OK. Ah.

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My parents brought me here when I was ten...

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-No, you're right.

-Unfortunately...

-It's too late.

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Let's do same time next month.

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It's all about you.

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But don't let me forget to tell you about the Alsatian

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and my corduroy trousers.

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HE CHUCKLES

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Well. That's the way it goes, I guess.

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'Mr Hoppy went to bed that night feeling terribly alone.

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'Knowing in his bones that he always would be alone.

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'No Mrs Silver for him.'

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Ow!

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'He couldn't help but wonder,

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'is this all there is?

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'Old age is scary and all downhill.'

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HE COUGHS

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But the very next morning, a conversation occurred

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that changed Mr Hoppy's life.

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Good morning, Mrs Silver. Alfie's looking well this morning.

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Likes his food.

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Yes. Well, we both live in hope.

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Oh.

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What are you both hoping for?

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Well, obviously, that he'll grow a little faster.

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Every month I weigh him on the kitchen scales,

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he never puts on an ounce.

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Well, no, I believe tortoises come in different sizes.

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There's nothing wrong with Alfie being one of the small ones.

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Oh, don't be silly.

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Just think how miserable it must make him to feel so titchy.

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Mm.

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We've been stuck on 13oz since the day he arrived.

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Didn't you want to be taller when you were growing up?

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I guess I did.

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Yes.

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When...

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When I was a kid, I used to wear thick socks to bed.

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-What, to make yourself grow taller?

-Right.

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I actually read that "The warmer your feet,

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"the deeper you sleep, the more you grow."

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-SHE CHUCKLES

-But sadly, all I got was...

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stinky feet.

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Oh, no... Well, I was tiny too.

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Oh.

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And then when I was 11, a boy in my class told me

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that kissing made you grow taller.

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-No!

-Yes.

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So I paid him sixpence every day to kiss me.

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Well, you have to hand it to him.

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And I did hand it to him. On a plate.

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Every morning at break.

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-Mind you, it did make me

-FEEL

-taller.

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A kiss does that, don't you think, Mr Hoppy?

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I believe it does.

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Oh, no.

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Size is very important.

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And Alfie's just at the beginning of his size journey.

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'That was the seed that planted the idea.'

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And the next day, it got a proper, full-scale watering.

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Alfie any bigger today, Mrs S?

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Not a jot.

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But I am knitting him some little socks, just in case.

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But I'm not giving up.

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One day, I'll find the right food, and the right exercise regime,

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and the right vitamin supplement,

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probably something to do with fish oil.

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Then at last we'll both be happy, won't we, darling?

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So, you don't think you'll ever be totally happy until he grows?

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I'm afraid not, Mr Hoppy.

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Come on, pipsqueak, finish your strawberry.

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'And that night, the seed that had been watered blossomed.

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'And in Mr Hoppy's brain flowered a plan to make Mrs Silver happy.

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'And he thought if he could make her happy then maybe, just maybe,

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'he might be worthy of winning her heart.'

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HE MUMBLES

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Esio Trot.

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HE SIGHS

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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Mrs Silver.

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Oh, yes?

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I think I may just be able to help with the

0:20:420:20:44

Alfie-being-disappointedly-tiny

0:20:440:20:46

month-after-month thing.

0:20:460:20:48

Oh, Mr Hoppy.

0:20:480:20:50

If only you could, I would love you for the rest of my days.

0:20:500:20:52

Oh. That'd be very nice.

0:20:520:20:56

The thing is, last night, I suddenly remembered a conversation

0:20:560:21:01

I once had with a friend at the airline

0:21:010:21:03

who'd been a pilot in North Africa

0:21:030:21:05

and he told me a conversation that he once had with a Bedouin tribesman

0:21:050:21:10

who told him an extraordinary tortoise-size-related secret.

0:21:100:21:16

-Really?

-Yes.

0:21:160:21:18

Oh, tell me! I beg you, Mr Hoppy.

0:21:180:21:21

Mrs Silver...

0:21:210:21:22

..I am going to lower this...

0:21:250:21:30

this piece of paper.

0:21:300:21:32

And, by the way, you were right.

0:21:340:21:37

Alfie can get bigger. But...

0:21:370:21:39

you must read this.

0:21:390:21:41

How exciting! What is it?

0:21:410:21:44

It's a Bedouin tortoise chant.

0:21:440:21:47

Oh, good lord.

0:21:470:21:48

"Esio Trot, Esio Trot...

0:21:510:21:57

"teg reggib reggib..."

0:21:570:22:00

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Hoppy,

0:22:000:22:03

I don't understand. Is this in another language?

0:22:030:22:06

Yes and no.

0:22:060:22:07

Now, according to the Bedouin...

0:22:070:22:10

..tortoises are very backwards creatures.

0:22:120:22:15

So, therefore it's logical that they would only understand words

0:22:150:22:19

that are spoken backwards, you see.

0:22:190:22:21

Oh, I see. So "Esio Trot" is "tortoise" backwards.

0:22:210:22:25

-Yes.

-Oh! Oh, yes.

0:22:250:22:27

"Esio Trot, Esio Trot..." Yes.

0:22:270:22:30

"Emoc no, Esio Trot.

0:22:300:22:34

"Worg pu...

0:22:340:22:36

HE MOUTHS "..ffup pu, toohs pu."

0:22:360:22:39

There's a lot of "pu's" in it.

0:22:390:22:41

Yes. Yes. Yes. Pu is a very powerful word in any language.

0:22:410:22:45

Are you having me on, Mr Hoppy? Is this serious?

0:22:450:22:49

Mrs Silver, I have never been more serious in my life.

0:22:490:22:53

Well...I suppose it could be true.

0:22:530:22:57

The world's full of wonders.

0:22:570:22:58

I once heard that a cockroach can live for two weeks without a head.

0:22:580:23:02

-Is that right?

-Well, apparently.

0:23:020:23:04

And bats always turn left

0:23:040:23:06

-when they leave the cave.

-Yes, I heard that.

0:23:060:23:08

And dolphins understand French.

0:23:080:23:10

-Really?

-So, I suppose this could work.

0:23:100:23:14

What this is really saying is "Tortoise, tortoise,

0:23:140:23:19

"get bigger, bigger."

0:23:190:23:21

Er...

0:23:210:23:22

"Grow up, puff up, shoot up" -

0:23:220:23:25

not what they mean these days.

0:23:250:23:26

Oh, that's a relief.

0:23:260:23:28

"Spring up", "blow up"...

0:23:280:23:31

Again, not the violent version.

0:23:310:23:33

"Swell up."

0:23:330:23:34

Um, er...

0:23:340:23:36

-BOTH:

-"Gorge, guzzle, stuff, gulp.

0:23:370:23:42

"Put on fat, tortoise, put on fat.

0:23:420:23:45

"Get on! Get on!

0:23:450:23:47

"Gobble food."

0:23:470:23:49

That's it.

0:23:490:23:50

SHE GASPS

0:23:500:23:52

And if my memory serves me correct,

0:23:520:23:54

my friend told me that all you have to do is pick up little Alfie

0:23:540:23:57

right up to your face and say it three times a day,

0:23:570:23:59

morning, noon and night.

0:23:590:24:01

-And if you do it...

-What time at night?

0:24:010:24:03

Before dinner.

0:24:040:24:05

-And if you do it properly...

-His dinner or my dinner?

0:24:050:24:08

-Does it matter?

-Well, you tell me.

0:24:080:24:10

-You're the one with all the inside Bedouin knowledge.

-Yes.

0:24:100:24:14

Quite right. Before your dinner.

0:24:140:24:16

And I'm betting that by the end of the month,

0:24:160:24:20

he'll be twice the size he is now.

0:24:200:24:22

And that's a conservative estimate, Mrs Silver.

0:24:220:24:25

Well, goodness. I can't believe it.

0:24:250:24:29

But if it works, oh, Mr H,

0:24:290:24:32

I'll never be able to thank you enough.

0:24:320:24:35

You'll be the marvellous man who made all my dreams come true.

0:24:350:24:39

Well, wouldn't that be wonderful?

0:24:390:24:41

"Esio Trot, Esio Trot..."

0:24:440:24:46

'Suddenly, for the first time ever,

0:24:460:24:50

'the happiness of two human beings rested entirely

0:24:500:24:54

'on the possibility of a small tortoise becoming a big tortoise.'

0:24:540:24:59

Which, of course, was a very serious issue indeed

0:24:590:25:03

because what Mr Hoppy had devised here was no simple thing.

0:25:030:25:06

It was, and I won't mince my words here,

0:25:060:25:09

the greatest and most complicated plan in the long and noble history

0:25:090:25:14

of tortoise-based tale-telling.

0:25:140:25:16

I have 16 tortoises for sale. From small to large to enormous.

0:25:220:25:25

Each one comes with its own certificate,

0:25:250:25:28

and you should know I do not sell any animal without first

0:25:280:25:32

assuring myself that it's going to a good, caring home.

0:25:320:25:36

-How many do you want?

-I'll take all 16.

0:25:360:25:40

I'll bag 'em up.

0:25:400:25:41

I don't really need the enormous ones...

0:25:410:25:43

I'll chuck 'em in for free anyway.

0:25:430:25:45

All the big money is in guinea pigs these days.

0:25:460:25:49

-I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

-That's all right.

0:26:220:26:26

-I don't actually have any tortoises.

-OK.

0:26:400:26:43

But I've got a lovely iguana out back. You want to see it?

0:26:430:26:46

It's tempting, but no.

0:26:460:26:48

Or I've got a weasel going very cheap-cheap cheap-cheap.

0:26:480:26:51

I just need tortoises.

0:26:510:26:52

I've got a snake - I could chop it in half

0:26:520:26:54

-and put a seashell on its back.

-It's lovely meeting you.

0:26:540:26:57

Or I could shave a hedgehog. No-one would ever know.

0:26:570:27:01

I've done it before.

0:27:010:27:02

That's probably enough.

0:27:330:27:34

Oh, no! Go back.

0:27:370:27:40

Go back. Go back.

0:27:400:27:42

I really must fix that.

0:27:440:27:46

FROM OUTSIDE: '"Esio Trot, Esio Trot,'

0:27:460:27:50

"teg reggib, reggib.

0:27:500:27:52

"Worg pu, ffup pu, toohs pu,

0:27:540:27:59

"gnirps pu, wolb pu..."

0:27:590:28:03

Well, thank goodness I'm not asking you to sip up anything.

0:28:030:28:07

All right, darling,

0:28:090:28:11

I'm just popping out to get you some delicious cabbage.

0:28:110:28:14

I'll be back in half an hour.

0:28:200:28:22

Action time.

0:28:370:28:39

OK.

0:28:440:28:45

No - too heavy.

0:28:460:28:48

Too light.

0:28:520:28:53

Just perfect. 2oz more than Alfie.

0:28:570:29:00

You, sir, are the chosen one.

0:29:010:29:05

No! Or you're going back to the pet shop.

0:29:140:29:17

Stay there.

0:29:170:29:18

OK, team...

0:29:260:29:28

..this is it.

0:29:300:29:31

You can do this.

0:29:500:29:52

You can do this.

0:29:520:29:53

You can't do this.

0:29:560:29:57

I can't do this.

0:29:590:30:00

(Hang in there, Alfie 2.)

0:30:060:30:07

HE SIGHS

0:30:110:30:13

HE BREATHES NERVOUSLY

0:30:190:30:21

CREAKING

0:30:300:30:32

Ah!

0:30:510:30:52

HE GROANS

0:30:570:30:59

HE SCREAMS

0:31:010:31:02

Good afternoon.

0:31:080:31:09

Sorry to bother you.

0:31:110:31:12

My name is Mr Hoppy and I...

0:31:150:31:18

I live a couple of floors up.

0:31:180:31:21

Mummy says I mustn't talk to strangers.

0:31:210:31:23

No. Quite right. Well done, Mum.

0:31:230:31:26

Are you about to offer me sweets and then kidnap me?

0:31:260:31:29

No, I'm not.

0:31:290:31:31

That's a relief.

0:31:310:31:33

But, as I said, I do...

0:31:330:31:37

actually live in this building.

0:31:370:31:40

I've never seen you.

0:31:400:31:42

Well...

0:31:420:31:43

..I sort of keep myself to myself.

0:31:440:31:46

Weirdos always do.

0:31:460:31:48

Well, be that as it may, do you think you could be a good boy

0:31:480:31:53

and get your mummy to help me onto your balcony?

0:31:530:31:57

Why would I do that? That would be a crazy thing to do.

0:31:570:32:00

Mummy, Mummy, come and look.

0:32:070:32:08

No, Philip. I will not come and look.

0:32:080:32:10

-A nasty dwarf is

-NOT

-trying to climb onto our balcony.

0:32:100:32:13

-But, Mummy!

-No more scary movies for you, young man.

0:32:130:32:17

-Mummy!

-Philip, darling, I'm doing dinner.

0:32:200:32:23

So Mr Hoppy decided to abandon Plan A - the ladder.

0:32:230:32:27

But, happily, he knew the fundamental rule of life was that

0:32:270:32:30

if Plan A fails, Plan B will usually succeed.

0:32:300:32:33

And if Plan B doesn't add up, then Plan C always works every time.

0:32:330:32:38

The only tiny problem was he didn't have a Plan B...

0:32:380:32:41

..or a Plan C.

0:32:430:32:44

'So, where did this leave Mr Hoppy?

0:32:470:32:49

'Was he out for the count? Done for? Doomed?

0:32:530:32:57

'Was he going to give up? Admit defeat?'

0:32:570:33:00

Wait a minute.

0:33:080:33:09

Of course he wasn't!

0:33:090:33:11

This is Mr Hoppy we're talking about.

0:33:110:33:13

The Hopster! The Hippity Hop Meister!

0:33:130:33:16

He had a plan - Plan D.

0:33:190:33:21

Let's go.

0:33:210:33:23

ELEVATOR BELL DINGS

0:34:280:34:29

-Oh!

-Oh! Hello, Mr Hoppy.

0:34:290:34:32

Hello.

0:34:320:34:33

Good lord. What have you got there?

0:34:330:34:36

Oh, er...

0:34:360:34:37

It looks like a huge fishing rod for catching jellyfish or something.

0:34:370:34:41

Yes, it is a huge fishing rod for catching jellyfish.

0:34:410:34:45

What on Earth do you want that for?

0:34:450:34:48

Well, that's a very good question. But, er...

0:34:480:34:51

the answer's pretty simple.

0:34:510:34:53

All my life I wanted to catch a jellyfish.

0:34:550:34:58

I got bitten by one...

0:34:580:35:00

and I wanted to seek my revenge,

0:35:000:35:02

so I thought the time had come to get a huge fishing rod

0:35:020:35:07

and do just that - catch a...huge jellyfish.

0:35:070:35:12

Well! What a thing! CHUCKLES

0:35:120:35:15

Yes.

0:35:150:35:17

Well...

0:35:170:35:18

-LIFT PINGS

-So, you're...

0:35:210:35:24

You're looking...

0:35:240:35:26

very nice, Mrs Silver. Where are you off to?

0:35:260:35:29

A dance marathon, at the community centre.

0:35:290:35:31

For charity. You know?

0:35:310:35:34

Chi-Chi-Chi!

0:35:340:35:35

We're hoping for a lot of sponsors.

0:35:350:35:38

Well...it's for charity.

0:35:400:35:43

Oh...

0:35:430:35:45

Oh, maybe I could be a sponsor too.

0:35:450:35:47

-Well, that would be wonderful!

-Yes, why not?

0:35:470:35:50

Put me, erm...down for a pound.

0:35:500:35:53

A pound? Oh!

0:35:530:35:55

Right, lovely.

0:35:550:35:56

Er... No, that's...very kind.

0:35:570:35:59

By which I mean...

0:36:000:36:03

a pound a minute, of course.

0:36:030:36:05

-A pound a minute?!

-Yes.

0:36:070:36:09

-That's incredible!

-Is it?

0:36:090:36:11

-Oh, yes. Most people sponsor by the hour.

-They do?

0:36:110:36:14

Well, yes, because it's a marathon. I mean, a pound a minute?!

0:36:140:36:19

That's marvellous!

0:36:190:36:20

-A marathon.

-Oh, it's really inspired me.

0:36:200:36:23

-Oh.

-Ooh! A pound a minute?

-Yes.

0:36:230:36:26

-Well... Well, come and watch. You'll have a marvellous time.

-Yes.

0:36:260:36:30

JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS

0:36:310:36:33

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:36:500:36:52

MUSIC CONTINUES

0:36:540:36:56

-Do you want to stop now, Mrs Silver?

-How long have I done?

0:37:030:37:06

Erm... Four hours and fifty minutes.

0:37:060:37:09

-How many minutes is that in total?

-Erm...

-£290.

-290 minutes.

0:37:090:37:14

Oh, yes. I think it's time for me last waltz.

0:37:140:37:17

Oh!

0:37:170:37:19

Would anyone care to partner me?

0:37:190:37:21

Someone...

0:37:210:37:23

Anyone...

0:37:230:37:26

Someone?

0:37:260:37:28

Come on...

0:37:280:37:29

Thanks.

0:37:380:37:39

Mr Pringle!

0:37:390:37:41

Oh!

0:37:410:37:42

Well, before we start, I'd like to thank the man who sponsored me

0:37:420:37:46

a pound a minute... For every minute of my marathon.

0:37:460:37:50

He used to be quite well off. Now he's the poorest man I know.

0:37:500:37:54

LAUGHTER Mr Hoppy.

0:37:540:37:56

-APPLAUSE

-Bravo!

0:37:560:37:58

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:37:580:38:00

BAND BEGINS TO PLAY

0:38:000:38:02

-Thank you so much.

-Oh, not at all. Don't mention it.

0:38:190:38:23

-The charity must mean a lot to you.

-Er... Oh, yes. Absolutely.

0:38:230:38:27

Very close to my heart.

0:38:270:38:29

Oh, really?

0:38:290:38:31

My grandfather was in a wheelchair.

0:38:310:38:33

Thank you so much. Training guide dogs is such an important cause.

0:38:330:38:38

He'd had a terrible fall.

0:38:410:38:43

Being blind.

0:38:430:38:45

I'll just go get the money.

0:38:450:38:47

-SIGHS

-The price of love.

0:39:170:39:19

# Chi-Chi-Chi

0:39:220:39:25

# Di-di, di-di-di... #

0:39:280:39:30

OK, Alfie.

0:39:540:39:56

You're about to go for the ride of your life.

0:39:560:39:59

Well, well. We meet at last.

0:40:370:40:40

Both in love with the same girl.

0:40:400:40:43

Yes, we are.

0:40:430:40:44

You want to know something, young man?

0:40:450:40:48

If I could have been anyone in the history of the world,

0:40:480:40:51

I wouldn't have been Julius Caesar or Leonardo Da Vinci,

0:40:510:40:55

not even the great Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong. No.

0:40:550:40:59

You know what I would have been?

0:40:590:41:00

I would have been you.

0:41:020:41:03

Cos you're a lucky guy.

0:41:050:41:07

OK, this is it.

0:41:150:41:17

I hope you're not shy, Alfie.

0:41:170:41:20

If you are, this is going to be a traumatic point. See?

0:41:200:41:23

It's just like the first day of school.

0:41:230:41:25

Over there's the tough gang. Probably smoking.

0:41:250:41:28

And right over there, the jocks going for gold.

0:41:280:41:32

Never opened a book in their lives.

0:41:320:41:34

And here's the ones whose parents should really be worried.

0:41:340:41:37

Don't look.

0:41:370:41:38

Good luck, Alfie.

0:41:400:41:43

Life part two starts here.

0:41:430:41:44

Here you go.

0:41:460:41:47

Here you go.

0:41:490:41:50

Make some friends.

0:41:520:41:53

As for you, Alfie 2, give my love to the most delightful,

0:41:550:41:59

exotic woman in the world.

0:41:590:42:01

Hm-hm.

0:42:380:42:39

FRONT DOOR OPENS

0:42:470:42:48

'Hello, my darling!

0:42:480:42:50

Where's my lovely boy? Have you missed me?'

0:42:500:42:54

Oh...

0:42:580:42:59

Oh, my goodness!

0:43:000:43:01

That's very strange!

0:43:030:43:06

-Everything all right, Mrs Silver?

-No...

0:43:060:43:09

Something very odd has happened.

0:43:090:43:12

-Very odd?

-Yes.

0:43:120:43:15

This isn't my Alfie.

0:43:150:43:17

Not your Alfie?

0:43:180:43:20

Not at all.

0:43:200:43:21

-Are you sure?

-Well, of course I'm sure!

0:43:250:43:28

Oh, OK. OK...

0:43:280:43:30

Oh, God! Er...

0:43:310:43:34

Mrs Silver, I... I... I have a huge conf...

0:43:340:43:37

Usually his morning feed lasts him all day, but I've come back and...

0:43:370:43:41

And it's all gone. He's eaten the lot.

0:43:410:43:44

Well, that's not like my Alfie at all!

0:43:440:43:47

Oh...

0:43:490:43:50

-Oh, my gorgeous goodness!

-Hm.

0:43:500:43:53

-It's working!

-Mm.

0:43:530:43:55

-Your spell's doubled his appetite!

-Mm-hm.

0:43:550:43:58

Mr Hoppy! Oh! This is very, very exciting!

0:43:580:44:02

-HE SIGHS

-Isn't it ever!

0:44:020:44:04

Oh!

0:44:040:44:05

-WHISPERING:

-Alfie!

0:44:070:44:09

She didn't notice a thing.

0:44:090:44:11

I'm quite a happy Hoppy!

0:44:120:44:14

I'm..quite...a...happy...Hoppy!

0:44:160:44:19

Yes, I am!

0:44:190:44:21

Happy Hoppy! Yes, yes, yes!

0:44:210:44:24

Alfie! We did it!

0:44:240:44:26

Spot of tea? Come on!

0:44:290:44:32

Mr Hoppy's secret plan was a cunning one. See,

0:44:320:44:36

If a creature grows slowly enough, you'll never notice it grows at all.

0:44:360:44:40

Be a very different story if it happened all at once.

0:44:400:44:43

Let's say you had a small puppy.

0:44:430:44:45

You drop it off at school in the morning

0:44:450:44:48

and pat its little head goodbye.

0:44:480:44:50

-Bye.

-Bye-bye.

0:44:500:44:52

Then you come back in the afternoon...

0:44:550:44:58

-Argh! Mummy!

-Down boy! Sit!

0:44:580:45:01

DOG BARKS

0:45:010:45:03

Not nice. But do it gradually and you get away with growing.

0:45:030:45:08

-Dad, you're late!

-I'm sorry,

0:45:080:45:09

Roberta. I caught the wrong bus.

0:45:090:45:11

I was telling them about Mr Hoppy. I got carried away.

0:45:110:45:15

Where have you got to? Have you got to the death scene yet?

0:45:150:45:18

Sorry!

0:45:190:45:21

So, Mr Hoppy had completed his first tortoise swap.

0:45:210:45:24

Now all he had to do was keep swapping every couple of days

0:45:240:45:27

until Alfie doubled in size, whilst living with 100 tortoises.

0:45:270:45:31

# Hello, Dolly

0:45:310:45:34

# This is Louis, Dolly

0:45:340:45:37

# It's so nice to have you back where you belong

0:45:370:45:41

# You're lookin' swell, Dolly

0:45:430:45:46

# I can tell, Dolly

0:45:460:45:49

# You're still glowin'

0:45:490:45:51

# You're still crowin'

0:45:510:45:52

# You're still goin' strong

0:45:520:45:55

# I feel the room swayin'

0:45:550:45:59

# While the band's playin'

0:45:590:46:02

# One of our old favourite songs from way back when

0:46:020:46:06

# So

0:46:060:46:09

# Take her wrap, fellas

0:46:090:46:12

# Find her an empty lap, fellas

0:46:120:46:15

# Dolly, you'll never go away again... #

0:46:150:46:18

I should have done this weeks ago. Bernard, Harvey, Bob...

0:46:180:46:24

Hello there, Prince Philip.

0:46:240:46:25

Spartacus...

0:46:280:46:30

No, you're Spartacus.

0:46:300:46:32

No...

0:46:320:46:34

Ah! You're Spartacus.

0:46:340:46:36

You are my Satchmo.

0:46:380:46:40

Tup no taf, Esio Trot. Tup no taf.

0:46:400:46:43

Hello, Dolly. How'd you get in here? It's all guys.

0:46:450:46:49

If I were you, I'd keep your head in your shell.

0:46:490:46:52

Elbbog doof.

0:46:520:46:53

Toohs pu, gnirps pu, wolb pu...

0:46:560:46:59

Voldemort! Is that you?

0:47:020:47:06

What are you doing in there?

0:47:060:47:07

# I feel the room swayin'... #

0:47:100:47:12

Freddie! What are you doing on your back again?

0:47:120:47:15

Come here.

0:47:150:47:16

Come on. Stay away from the poop. Be a good boy.

0:47:170:47:20

# Golly gee, fellas

0:47:240:47:26

# Have a little faith in me, fellas

0:47:260:47:30

# Dolly, never go away... #

0:47:300:47:33

OK, OK. Good luck, Alfie 9.

0:47:330:47:36

# Dolly'll never go away again. #

0:47:360:47:39

Hello, my darling.

0:47:410:47:43

I don't know who holds the land speed record,

0:47:430:47:46

but my bus driver's certainly just broken it.

0:47:460:47:48

The death scene.

0:47:500:47:52

The death scene.

0:47:520:47:53

MRS SILVER CHATTERS INDISTINCTLY

0:47:530:47:56

-I so thought he was dead!

-I know.

-The first time I heard it.

0:47:560:48:00

I know.

0:48:000:48:02

Alfie!

0:48:020:48:03

Alfie?

0:48:050:48:06

Alfie?

0:48:070:48:09

Alfie?

0:48:130:48:15

Mummy, Mummy! A tortoise just fell out of the sky!

0:48:150:48:19

Yah! I hear so many things!

0:48:190:48:22

So many things...

0:48:220:48:24

Alfie?

0:48:240:48:26

Oh! Mr Hoppy...

0:48:270:48:29

Mr Hoppy?

0:48:300:48:32

Yes.

0:48:320:48:33

-I'm here.

-I don't know what's happened, but...Alfie's gone.

0:48:330:48:37

Gone?

0:48:380:48:40

I think he's jumped.

0:48:400:48:41

Oh, my darling!

0:48:410:48:43

Oh, he's always had very powerful legs!

0:48:430:48:46

I think he's just bounced himself over the edge!

0:48:460:48:49

-Oh!

-Oh! I can't bear to look!

0:48:490:48:52

Don't! Please, don't!

0:48:520:48:54

Maybe he's gone back into the flat.

0:48:540:48:57

I don't... Well...

0:48:570:48:59

-Yeah, I'll check that first.

-OK.

-Alfie!

0:48:590:49:02

OK, OK, OK...

0:49:030:49:06

Put Alfie 8 back on the balcony and then go get Alfie 9.

0:49:060:49:11

What's left of him.

0:49:110:49:12

I know. I know...

0:49:120:49:15

Oh!

0:49:190:49:20

Better luck for you, Alfie 8. There you go.

0:49:410:49:44

Oh!

0:50:000:50:01

Oh, Alfie!

0:50:010:50:03

I've looked everywhere!

0:50:150:50:18

I... Oh!

0:50:180:50:20

Alfie!

0:50:200:50:22

There you are!

0:50:220:50:23

Oh, my holy aunt! You frightened the living daylights out of me.

0:50:230:50:29

Oh! Oh!

0:50:290:50:31

Oh, dab, dab Esio Trot.

0:50:310:50:34

Oh!

0:50:340:50:36

Oh, it's all right, Mr Hoppy.

0:50:370:50:39

I've found him.

0:50:390:50:41

All's well.

0:50:410:50:43

Thank the living Lord!

0:50:430:50:45

Evening, Hoppy.

0:50:450:50:47

Oh, good evening, Mr Pringle.

0:50:470:50:50

And...what a...

0:50:500:50:52

-..relaxing evening it is.

-Yes, indeed.

0:50:540:50:57

-Are you cooking anything special?

-No, I don't think so.

0:51:000:51:03

Just something out of the fridge... Frozen chicken pie...

0:51:030:51:06

Sounds good to me. Love a pie.

0:51:060:51:09

Love chicken.

0:51:090:51:11

LOVE chicken pie!

0:51:110:51:13

-Oh.

-You haven't forgotten?

0:51:130:51:15

-Forgotten?

-Did I hear someone mention chicken pie?

0:51:170:51:20

You certainly did, Mrs Silver.

0:51:200:51:22

We're having chicken pie, round at Hoppy's tonight.

0:51:220:51:25

Join us.

0:51:250:51:27

-Oh! Oh, no. I couldn't possibly.

-Course you can!

0:51:270:51:30

-You don't mind, do you, Hoppy?

-Mind, wha...

-Excellent!

0:51:300:51:32

My motto - two's company, three's a party!

0:51:320:51:35

-Are you sure, Mr Hoppy?

-No... Yes. Oh, no problem.

0:51:350:51:40

It'll be wonderful to have you come around, Mrs Silver.

0:51:400:51:43

Oh! Oh!

0:51:430:51:46

Oh!

0:51:470:51:48

Oh, no.

0:51:540:51:56

No! Guys! Guys, I need your help!

0:51:560:51:59

-Nngg!

-DOORBELL

0:52:000:52:02

Oh.

0:52:060:52:08

-You look gorgeous, Mrs Silver.

-Oh, thank you, Mr Pringle.

0:52:080:52:11

-Lawrence, please.

-Lavinia.

0:52:110:52:14

-DOORBELL

-Come on, Hoppy!

0:52:160:52:19

Oh, look...

0:52:190:52:21

Come in!

0:52:240:52:25

Come on in.

0:52:250:52:27

-Oh, thank you.

-You're welcome.

0:52:270:52:29

Oh! What a lovely big room!

0:52:330:52:36

-Oh, I love that look you've gone for.

-Mm.

0:52:360:52:41

-What's it called?

-Erm...

-Prison cell.

0:52:410:52:44

-No, minimalist. Yes, that's it. Oh! It's very stylish!

-Thank you.

0:52:440:52:48

Can I get you a drink? Er... I have wine and...

0:52:480:52:52

-Well, wine.

-A glass of white wine would be perfect.

0:52:530:52:57

-Er... I...

-Although, red's my real favourite. I love lovely red.

0:52:570:53:02

So glamorous.

0:53:020:53:04

Thank you.

0:53:040:53:05

I'm a little short on glasses today.

0:53:050:53:08

-Mrs Silver...

-Thank you.

0:53:080:53:11

And Mr Pringle. I'll have...

0:53:110:53:13

..this.

0:53:140:53:15

Well... Serve yourselves.

0:53:180:53:20

Er...

0:53:220:53:23

I have to just get back to the, er...

0:53:230:53:27

-Get back to...

-Chin-chin!

0:53:270:53:29

..cooking. Excuse me.

0:53:290:53:32

(Excuse me.)

0:53:330:53:35

You're doing great, guys. Just try to keep the noise down.

0:53:380:53:42

Easy.

0:53:420:53:43

Ah!

0:53:480:53:49

Dolly, it's hot.

0:53:560:53:58

Potatoes. Got to put them up to high.

0:53:580:54:00

Spartacus, sorry, but I really need the fridge now.

0:54:030:54:06

-Can I give you a hand in there?

-No...

0:54:130:54:15

-We're feeling very guilty out here.

-No, no.

0:54:150:54:18

No, thank you. I... I'm a very private cook.

0:54:180:54:21

My recipe's a secret, Mrs Silver.

0:54:210:54:23

Oh, and Mr Pringle's very keen to know what vegetable we're having.

0:54:230:54:26

Apparently, he enjoyed your carrots enormously last time.

0:54:260:54:29

-Yes, tell him it's peas. I hope that's all right.

-Oh, peas!

0:54:290:54:33

-My favourite!

-Peas are about the only vegetable that I... I...really like.

0:54:330:54:37

Apart from cabbages, of course. Can't get enough of cabbage.

0:54:410:54:45

Hope you don't mind, but I've been tucking in to your nibbles.

0:54:450:54:48

-Nibbles?

-Mm. Balti mix, is it?

0:54:490:54:52

Mm!

0:54:550:54:56

Peppery.

0:54:560:54:58

Would you like some, Lavinia?

0:54:580:55:00

Oh...

0:55:000:55:02

-No, thank you. Not one of my favourites.

-Oh.

0:55:020:55:05

I've got to get the food.

0:55:060:55:07

Sorry, Paul.

0:55:190:55:20

-A little more?

-Oh, thank you.

-Here we go!

0:55:230:55:26

Fresh out of the oven. One pie for you...

0:55:260:55:29

Oh! That looks yummy!

0:55:290:55:31

Oh, forgot the garnish.

0:55:310:55:32

How did that happen?

0:55:390:55:40

Oh, how magnificent!

0:55:430:55:47

A pie to die for!

0:55:470:55:49

Right, Lavinia. I want to hear all about you.

0:55:490:55:53

Every single little thing.

0:55:530:55:55

Where were you born?

0:55:570:55:59

-I...

-I was actually born on the Thames myself.

0:55:590:56:02

In the back of a Volkswagen Beetle.

0:56:020:56:05

Dad went over a speed bump and out I popped.

0:56:050:56:08

So I said, "That's certainly an original use for an octopus!"

0:56:080:56:12

HE LAUGHS

0:56:120:56:15

Good Lord.

0:56:150:56:16

But enough about me. I want to know all about you two.

0:56:160:56:20

Go on. Favourite films. Ladies first.

0:56:200:56:23

-Oh, The Railway Children. Every time.

-Oh, yes!

0:56:230:56:27

That moment at the end when Jenny Agutter goes to the station...

0:56:270:56:30

-And the train comes in...

-The smoke clears...

-And there he is!

0:56:300:56:34

"Daddy, my daddy!"

0:56:340:56:35

-Oh!

-I never really bothered with that one.

0:56:370:56:40

Always try to avoid films with the word "children" in the title.

0:56:400:56:44

And "Chihuahua".

0:56:440:56:46

My favourite's The Sound Of Music.

0:56:470:56:49

-Really?

-No! Course not!

0:56:490:56:53

Top Gun! That's the ticket! Go, Cruise!

0:56:530:56:56

"Son, your ego is writing cheques your body can't cash!"

0:56:560:57:01

-Genius!

-Oh, you certainly are a character, Lawrence!

0:57:010:57:06

Can I help clear?

0:57:080:57:09

-Oh, thank you. That's very kind.

-Waste not.

0:57:090:57:12

Oh! No! Er...

0:57:160:57:17

Where are my manners? Er...

0:57:170:57:19

-Here, let me.

-Oh! Well...

0:57:190:57:22

If I can't see your kitchen,

0:57:220:57:25

can I take a look at your beautiful balcony?

0:57:250:57:28

Certainly.

0:57:280:57:30

-It'd be my honour.

-Oh.

0:57:300:57:31

Oh...goodness!

0:57:380:57:41

Who needs to travel the world when you've got sights like this at home?

0:57:430:57:47

It's one of the two great passions of my life.

0:57:470:57:49

Well, I can certainly see that.

0:57:490:57:53

-Look, an avocado plant.

-Oh, yes. I grow them myself. From the pips.

0:57:530:57:58

That's terribly clever.

0:57:580:58:00

-Thank you.

-Oh!

0:58:000:58:02

Oh, a miniature rose!

0:58:020:58:05

Oh! My absolutest favourite!

0:58:050:58:08

Well, do tell me, what is the other passion?

0:58:080:58:12

Well, er...

0:58:150:58:16

Well, Mrs Silver...

0:58:180:58:21

-It's something I've never spoken to anyone about.

-Well, how exciting!

0:58:210:58:25

On my... On my mind...

0:58:260:58:28

Er... Every moment of every day, but...

0:58:290:58:32

But never once on my lips.

0:58:340:58:37

Oh. What could it be?

0:58:370:58:39

-It's...

-Time for tea, I think.

0:58:420:58:45

Shall I bung the kettle on in the kitchen?

0:58:450:58:48

No, no. I'd better do it myself.

0:58:500:58:52

Splendid.

0:58:520:58:54

Lavinia...

0:58:590:59:01

What a gorgeous name that is.

0:59:010:59:03

HE WHISPERS AND SHE CHUCKLES

0:59:040:59:06

THEY BOTH LAUGH

0:59:120:59:14

What a splendid evening!

0:59:210:59:23

Lavinia's a good sort, isn't she?

0:59:250:59:27

-Mm.

-I'm surprised you haven't made a move on her.

0:59:270:59:30

Well, it's funny you should say that because just between us...

0:59:300:59:33

Hope it's OK, I pounced while you were out making tea.

0:59:330:59:35

Glad to say she leapt at the opportunity.

0:59:350:59:38

-Dinner next Tuesday.

-Oh.

0:59:380:59:40

-That's fast.

-Yeah.

0:59:430:59:44

I suppose the truth is we're all a little bit lonely

0:59:440:59:47

and anything which takes the edge off, it's got to be a good thing.

0:59:470:59:50

-Hm.

-Sure that's all right with you?

0:59:500:59:53

-You seemed to be getting on awfully well during the dinner.

-Mm.

0:59:530:59:56

-I often hear you chatting away on the balcony.

-No... Yes, that's fine.

0:59:561:00:00

She's got...to be allowed to go out to dinner with whoever

1:00:001:00:05

she wants to go out to dinner with.

1:00:051:00:07

Next Tuesday.

1:00:071:00:09

Splendid, then!

1:00:091:00:11

Who knows? Sparks may fly when Flat 32 meets Flat 43!

1:00:111:00:16

Wish me luck.

1:00:161:00:17

Is that wedding bells I hear?

1:00:221:00:24

Or just a squeak of bedsprings!

1:00:241:00:27

Perfectly happy either way, eh, Hoppy?

1:00:271:00:30

Yes.

1:00:301:00:31

HE HUMS WEDDING MARCH

1:00:311:00:33

Good night, Lawrence.

1:00:341:00:36

'Mr Hoppy felt dead inside.'

1:00:431:00:46

Think of the saddest you've ever felt and then double it.

1:00:461:00:49

That was the world of Mr Hoppy's heart that night.

1:00:491:00:53

Poor Mr Hoppy.

1:00:531:00:55

Losing the love of your life is a terrible feeling. It's an emptiness.

1:00:551:01:00

Like the death of a friend. Or a parent.

1:01:001:01:04

Or a gerbil.

1:01:041:01:05

Or, yes, indeed...a gerbil.

1:01:061:01:09

Here's the thing...

1:01:141:01:16

You see, little Alfie?

1:01:161:01:18

HE SIGHS

1:01:201:01:22

However many years we live - and you're a tortoise

1:01:221:01:26

so you're in for a lot of them -

1:01:261:01:29

there's probably only ten moments that really matter.

1:01:291:01:34

Ten key moments that seal your fate.

1:01:341:01:36

Where we get the chance to change our lives.

1:01:381:01:42

Get the job we always dreamed of.

1:01:421:01:45

Get the perfect girl.

1:01:471:01:48

Well...

1:01:511:01:52

..I've had my share of those moments.

1:01:541:01:57

And I've blown every single one of them.

1:02:021:02:05

Because the truth is, Alfie...

1:02:061:02:10

..your Mr Henry Hoppy just doesn't deserve Mrs Lavinia Silver.

1:02:121:02:18

And so, the next morning, Mr Hoppy began returning the tortoises.

1:02:281:02:33

The game was up. The dream was over.

1:02:331:02:36

First to go was the most important tortoise of all,

1:02:361:02:39

the one he picked out at the start, the trophy tortoise.

1:02:391:02:43

Exactly double little Alfie's weight.

1:02:431:02:45

-I brought you one of my tortoises to sell.

-He's a lovely big one!

1:02:451:02:50

Yes, he is. 26 ounces, to be exact.

1:02:501:02:54

-Can I tempt you with something else to fill the hole in your life?

-No.

1:02:541:02:58

-Now you say goodbye to the big fella.

-No, it's a pretty big hole.

1:02:581:03:01

I've got an elephant out back.

1:03:011:03:03

Not exactly an elephant. More a very big dog. Same shape ears.

1:03:031:03:07

'One down, 99 to go.

1:03:131:03:15

'That evening, Mr Hoppy sat on his balcony, certain of one thing.

1:03:181:03:23

'That he and Mrs Silver would never be together.'

1:03:231:03:25

# Now, it's time to say good night

1:03:381:03:43

# Good night

1:03:431:03:47

# Sleep tight

1:03:471:03:49

# Now, the sun turns out his light

1:03:501:03:58

# Good night

1:03:581:04:01

# Sleep tight

1:04:011:04:04

# Dream sweet dreams

1:04:041:04:08

# For me

1:04:081:04:10

# Dream sweet dreams

1:04:121:04:15

# For you

1:04:151:04:17

# Close your eyes

1:04:201:04:23

# And I'll close mine

1:04:231:04:25

# Good night

1:04:271:04:30

# Sleep tight. #

1:04:301:04:33

Sit tight, guys.

1:04:371:04:38

I want you to know something.

1:04:411:04:44

I'm going to fight on till the final whistle and even if I lose,

1:04:441:04:49

even if she marries Mr Potato Head Pringle...

1:04:491:04:52

..I will always, always want her to be happy.

1:04:551:04:59

Sorry.

1:05:021:05:04

It turns out I couldn't live without him.

1:05:041:05:07

I'm not surprised. He's a laugh a minute, this one.

1:05:071:05:10

The times we had... Classic!

1:05:101:05:14

Thank you.

1:05:141:05:15

'Where's my boy?

1:05:411:05:43

'Where's my Alfie?'

1:05:431:05:46

Alfie, Alfie!

1:05:461:05:47

Alfie...

1:05:471:05:49

Oh, my goodness!

1:05:521:05:54

Mr Hoppy?

1:05:541:05:56

What, Mrs Silver?

1:05:581:06:00

Something very extraordinary has happened.

1:06:001:06:04

What?

1:06:041:06:06

Something very, very extraordinary!

1:06:061:06:09

And quite marvellous!

1:06:091:06:11

Alfie can't get through his door! He must have got bigger!

1:06:131:06:18

She's not very perceptive, is she? I mean, he's double the size!

1:06:181:06:21

No, she's not the sharpest arrow in the quiver.

1:06:211:06:24

-She's not the cleverest fox in the forest.

-No.

1:06:241:06:26

-She's not the smartest cookie in the jar.

-No,

1:06:261:06:28

but she's full of the joys of life, and that's what matters.

1:06:281:06:31

-Of course it is.

-Hey, you!

-Ah!

-Ha-ha!

1:06:311:06:35

Well, Mrs Silver,

1:06:351:06:38

perhaps you should weigh him.

1:06:381:06:40

I believe it's been a month

1:06:401:06:43

since you started the Esio Trot experiment.

1:06:431:06:45

So it is!

1:06:451:06:47

Yes, it's exactly a month! Oh! How exciting!

1:06:471:06:51

Oh, Mr Hoppy!

1:07:001:07:01

Guess how much he weighs!

1:07:011:07:03

-(26 ounces).

-27 ounces!

1:07:031:07:05

(You should check your scale.)

1:07:051:07:07

Ooh!

1:07:071:07:08

Alfie!

1:07:081:07:10

You great big beautiful boy!

1:07:101:07:14

Look what clever Mr Hoppy's done for you!

1:07:141:07:17

Oh, you did it, Mr Hoppy!

1:07:171:07:19

You're my miracle man.

1:07:211:07:22

How can I possibly thank you?

1:07:221:07:24

Well, Mrs Silver,

1:07:301:07:33

do you think I could perhaps pop down to your balcony

1:07:331:07:35

and just see for myself how much Alfie has grown?

1:07:351:07:40

Well, of course you can. Oh, come down at once!

1:07:401:07:43

Oh, my dear man!

1:07:431:07:45

Dear man.

1:07:471:07:49

HE BREATHS HEAVILY

1:07:501:07:53

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

1:07:531:07:57

Thank you, Wallace. Thank you, Usain.

1:07:571:07:59

And thank you, most of all...

1:07:591:08:01

..little original Alfie.

1:08:031:08:06

Key moment.

1:08:221:08:24

Where are you?

1:08:281:08:29

There you are.

1:08:291:08:32

Oh, don't blow this.

1:08:321:08:34

Hurray! Come in at once.

1:09:111:09:14

-I've just made you a delicious cup of tea.

-Oh.

1:09:141:09:17

-Er...

-Oh! Oh, clever you!

1:09:171:09:20

-Thank you.

-Oh, my!

1:09:201:09:23

-Oh, my goodness!

-SHE CHUCKLES

1:09:261:09:29

-I'd quite forgotten it was Christmas.

-Oh, it isn't.

1:09:331:09:36

I just like to get my tree up on the first day of August.

1:09:361:09:40

What's the point in getting old if you can't break the rules?

1:09:401:09:44

-It's my little piece of paradise in the sky.

-Perfect.

1:09:481:09:52

Oh, and this is Alfie.

1:09:521:09:54

Ha-ha!

1:09:581:10:00

-Have you ever held a tortoise before?

-Once or twice.

1:10:041:10:07

I just don't want to drop him.

1:10:091:10:11

Oh!

1:10:111:10:14

-Can I ask you a question?

-Of course.

1:10:141:10:16

Would it be all right if I came up later

1:10:161:10:19

and had another look at your balcony?

1:10:191:10:22

I think it's one of the Seven Wonders of the World.

1:10:221:10:24

Who needs the Hanging Gardens of Babylon

1:10:241:10:27

when you've got Mr Hoppy's beautiful balcony in Bethnal Green?

1:10:271:10:31

Oh, I'd be delighted. Can I ask you a question too, Mrs Silver?

1:10:311:10:34

-Yes, of course.

-Will you marry me?

1:10:341:10:36

That was very out of the blue.

1:10:491:10:51

Yes. It... It... It was.

1:10:511:10:53

It's just that I've been meaning to ask you for some time,

1:10:531:10:58

since the first time I saw you, in fact,

1:10:581:11:00

when it was perfectly clear to me that you are the most...wonderful

1:11:001:11:06

and beautiful person in the Western hemisphere.

1:11:061:11:10

Probably the Eastern hemisphere too.

1:11:101:11:12

I only exclude it because I haven't actually been there.

1:11:121:11:15

Well...

1:11:151:11:17

Well...

1:11:181:11:20

Er... DOORBELL

1:11:201:11:22

Oh!

1:11:221:11:23

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Oh.

-I'd better get that. I won't be a tick.

1:11:231:11:27

Ah, Mrs Silver. I was just wondering,

1:11:351:11:38

might this little chap belong to you, my dear lady?

1:11:381:11:41

Oh, no! Oh, no! My Alfie's much larger than that these days.

1:11:411:11:45

He was just coming out of Mr Hoppy's flat and I thought,

1:11:451:11:48

but it's Mrs Silver that has the tortoise, isn't it?

1:11:481:11:51

Yes, quite. Well... Yes...

1:11:511:11:53

Oh, no...

1:11:531:11:55

He does look very like Alfie when he was little,

1:11:551:11:58

but he can't be darling Alfie.

1:11:581:12:00

Cos darling Alfie has doubled his size in the last month.

1:12:001:12:04

Hasn't he, Mr Hoppy?

1:12:041:12:05

-Doubled in size?

-Yes.

-In a month?

-Yes.

1:12:051:12:08

-A tortoise?

-Yes.

1:12:081:12:10

Mr Hoppy gave me this little poem of North African origin and said

1:12:101:12:14

if I recited it to Alfie three times a day, he would grow much...

1:12:141:12:20

much larger...

1:12:201:12:22

A little poem of North African extraction?

1:12:231:12:26

Yes. Bedouin, I believe.

1:12:281:12:31

Three times a day?

1:12:311:12:33

Yes, before meals.

1:12:331:12:35

Well, I'm not a biologist. I'm not Charles Darwin!

1:12:351:12:40

I'm not David bloody Attenborough, but I suspect Mr Hoppy here

1:12:401:12:44

has been playing a little joke on you, my dear Mrs Silver.

1:12:441:12:47

Mr...

1:12:471:12:49

-Mr Hoppy?

-Hoppy! You're a dark horse, aren't you?

1:12:491:12:52

Should have kept a sharper eye on you.

1:12:521:12:54

Yes...

1:12:571:12:59

-Well, I think he might be mine after all.

-Oh.

1:12:591:13:01

Thank you very much.

1:13:011:13:03

-Now, if you'd excuse me for a moment...

-Yes, of course.

1:13:051:13:08

Don't forget our date on Tuesday.

1:13:091:13:12

We'll have lots to talk about. Snakes in the grass, etc...

1:13:121:13:15

-I can't wait!

-Well, we can discuss that later.

1:13:151:13:18

Hoppy...

1:13:181:13:20

Good to see you.

1:13:201:13:22

Who'd have thought it, eh? Who'd have damn well thought it?

1:13:221:13:27

-So...

-Yes.

1:13:341:13:37

-You've been swapping tortoises.

-Yes, I have. A number of little swaps.

1:13:371:13:41

-And that's not Alfie.

-No, it isn't.

1:13:431:13:46

Who is it?

1:13:461:13:48

Oh, his name is Tyson. He's quite nice.

1:13:481:13:50

And all that...Esio Trot stuff is just nonsense.

1:13:541:13:58

I'm afraid so.

1:13:581:14:00

SHE SIGHS I feel such a fool.

1:14:011:14:04

I never was the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

1:14:041:14:07

-Maybe not, but you have many other wonderful qualities...

-Ssh!

1:14:071:14:11

Not at all the time for that.

1:14:111:14:13

OK, I guess I should go now.

1:14:211:14:23

Yes, if you would.

1:14:231:14:26

Thank you.

1:14:261:14:27

# In my solitude

1:15:071:15:11

# You haunt me

1:15:141:15:19

# With revelries

1:15:221:15:25

# Of days gone by

1:15:271:15:30

# In my solitude

1:15:351:15:38

# You taunt me

1:15:421:15:47

# With memories

1:15:491:15:53

# That never die

1:15:551:15:58

# Yes, I sit in my chair

1:16:041:16:07

# I fill with despair

1:16:081:16:11

# As no-one could be so sad... #

1:16:121:16:16

You're looking absolutely ravishing this evening, Lavinia.

1:16:161:16:20

Oh, thank you.

1:16:201:16:21

I thought we might just eat in at my place.

1:16:211:16:25

Oh.

1:16:251:16:27

And then I thought...

1:16:271:16:29

why not go to the most expensive restaurant in London?

1:16:291:16:33

Oh!

1:16:331:16:35

How lovely!

1:16:351:16:37

SHE CHUCKLES

1:16:371:16:40

# I'm praying

1:16:411:16:45

# Dear Lord above

1:16:481:16:51

# Oh, yes

1:16:511:16:54

# Send back my love... #

1:16:541:16:57

Hello, Dolly. Darth.

1:17:101:17:12

You guys should be in the pet shop with the others.

1:17:121:17:15

Where have you guys been hiding? Huh?

1:17:151:17:18

So, that IS the way it goes.

1:17:201:17:23

No, you don't just stop loving someone because they don't love you.

1:17:381:17:43

# In my solitude

1:17:551:17:59

# I'm praying

1:18:011:18:06

# Dear Lord above

1:18:091:18:12

# Oh, yes

1:18:121:18:15

# Send back my love. #

1:18:151:18:20

Is that really the end of the story, Daddy?

1:18:281:18:31

Yes, buddy. I'm sorry to say it is.

1:18:311:18:35

Mr Hoppy doesn't get the girl.

1:18:351:18:37

I'm afraid he'll probably spend the rest of his life alone.

1:18:371:18:41

Which won't be very long, seeing how old he is.

1:18:411:18:45

Which could be for absolutely ages, Roberta,

1:18:451:18:47

seeing how long people live these days!

1:18:471:18:51

Not the ending you were expecting, I realise that.

1:18:541:18:58

But it's still a story worth telling because he gave it a go.

1:18:581:19:03

And that's what matters.

1:19:031:19:05

Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.

1:19:051:19:08

Love isn't love till you give it away.

1:19:081:19:10

-I give him a year. Tops.

-Shush!

1:19:121:19:14

You saw how he was yesterday,

1:19:141:19:17

when he came down to our flat in the afternoon.

1:19:171:19:20

Hello. I have a present for you and your brother.

1:19:221:19:26

Come in.

1:19:261:19:28

Come on in.

1:19:281:19:29

No, that's all right.

1:19:291:19:31

Philip!

1:19:311:19:33

Oh, it's OK, Philip. I have a present for you.

1:19:331:19:36

See? This one's name is Darth and that one's name is Dolly.

1:19:381:19:43

'He gave us Dolly and little Darth and he was really sad.

1:19:431:19:47

'And then you asked him in for a drink

1:19:511:19:53

'and he told you and Mum the whole story.

1:19:531:19:56

'And now he's leaving.'

1:20:041:20:06

-Can't you stop him?

-No.

1:20:061:20:08

He's made up his mind the deed is done.

1:20:081:20:11

Not all stories have happy endings.

1:20:151:20:17

DOORBELL

1:20:311:20:33

They're early.

1:20:371:20:38

Hi...

1:20:431:20:44

Mr Hoppy?

1:20:441:20:46

-Are you leaving?

-Yes, that's right.

1:20:481:20:50

I felt it best after the unfortunate incident.

1:20:501:20:53

I didn't know. I'm glad I came up, then.

1:20:531:20:56

Oh...

1:20:561:20:58

One of your plants must have blown over the balcony.

1:21:011:21:04

-I thought I should return it.

-Oh, yes.

1:21:041:21:07

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

1:21:071:21:09

Er... I... Er...

1:21:111:21:14

May I...just say that... I hope you and Mr Pringle

1:21:151:21:21

will be very happy.

1:21:211:21:23

Oh, well...that's very kind of you, Mr Hoppy.

1:21:231:21:26

But I'm afraid I could never be happy with Mr Pringle.

1:21:261:21:29

I know he's a real pal of yours, but he is without doubt

1:21:291:21:33

the world's most spectacular arse-paralysing bore.

1:21:331:21:36

And his table manners are atrocious.

1:21:361:21:38

I only had two prawns in my very overpriced,

1:21:381:21:41

under-prawned prawn cocktail. He took both of them.

1:21:411:21:43

I'm not saying it was the worst experience of my life,

1:21:431:21:47

but I was once mugged in Maida Vale underground station

1:21:471:21:49

by a Russian chap with a big knife

1:21:491:21:51

and our date was definitely worse than that.

1:21:511:21:53

My goodness!

1:21:541:21:56

I just have a couple of other things I want to say.

1:21:581:22:02

Parish notices, as it were.

1:22:021:22:04

Sure.

1:22:041:22:06

Er...

1:22:061:22:08

First, I think it's only fair to tell you... Well, before you leave...

1:22:081:22:13

that, um...

1:22:131:22:15

ever since I first squeezed up to you in the lift on my first day,

1:22:151:22:20

I've actually had the most frightful crush on you.

1:22:201:22:23

-I beg your pardon?

-You heard me, Hoppy.

1:22:241:22:27

Did you never think it was slightly odd

1:22:281:22:30

that we ended up in the lift together quite so often?

1:22:301:22:33

DOOR CLOSES

1:22:371:22:39

Ooh!

1:22:441:22:46

Spring at last!

1:22:461:22:48

LIFT PINGS

1:22:571:22:59

-Oh! Hello, Mr Hoppy!

-Oh...

1:22:591:23:02

Oh.

1:23:101:23:11

But then you went and tricked me.

1:23:111:23:14

I know, and I'm...

1:23:151:23:18

Mrs Silver, I'm more sorry than you can possibly imagine.

1:23:181:23:22

-It ruined everything.

-I know.

1:23:221:23:24

But then...

1:23:261:23:28

there is an argument that a man who would go to such terrible trouble

1:23:281:23:33

to make a woman's dreams come true...

1:23:331:23:36

Well...that man might be very exceptional indeed.

1:23:381:23:43

So, the final thing I have to say, I think it's the last...

1:23:461:23:50

..is that, in short,

1:23:511:23:55

the answer to your earlier question, yes.

1:23:551:23:57

I will marry you. If you still want me.

1:23:571:24:01

Thank you very much for asking.

1:24:021:24:04

Oh, Mrs Silver!

1:24:061:24:08

Thank you.

1:24:121:24:14

Well...

1:24:141:24:16

I think we can do better than that, don't you?

1:24:161:24:19

How do you feel?

1:24:351:24:37

-Taller.

-SHE CHUCKLES

1:24:371:24:40

SHE LAUGHS

1:24:421:24:45

# Just kiss me once and kiss me twice

1:24:521:24:54

# Then kiss me once again

1:24:541:24:57

# It's been a long, long time

1:24:571:25:01

# Haven't felt like this, my dear

1:25:021:25:04

# Since can't remember when

1:25:041:25:07

# It's been a long, long time

1:25:071:25:11

# You'll never know how many dreams

1:25:111:25:14

# I've dreamed about you

1:25:141:25:17

# Or just how empty they all seemed without you

1:25:171:25:21

# So kiss me once, then kiss me twice

1:25:211:25:24

# Then kiss me once again

1:25:241:25:27

# It's been a long, long time... #

1:25:271:25:30

Oh!

1:25:421:25:43

My rods! Are they OK?

1:25:451:25:47

My rods!

1:25:481:25:50

# Yes, kiss me once, kiss me twice

1:26:121:26:16

# Kiss me once again

1:26:161:26:18

# It's been a long, long, long time

1:26:181:26:22

# Haven't felt like this, my dear

1:26:221:26:26

# Since can't remember when

1:26:261:26:28

# It's been a long, long time

1:26:281:26:32

# You'll never know how many dreams

1:26:321:26:35

# I dream about you

1:26:351:26:37

# Or just how empty they all seemed without you

1:26:371:26:42

# So, kiss me once then kiss me twice

1:26:421:26:45

# And kiss me once again

1:26:451:26:48

# It's been a long, ba-ba-ba-boo time

1:26:481:26:51

# Oh, yeah! #

1:26:511:26:57

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