Babs

Hey!

Are you international superstar Barbara Windsor?

Get stuffed.

What you doing on the floor?

-The four-poster was taken.

-Oh!

I've got a couple of hours between matinee and the evening,

-thought I'd grab some kip.

-Have you eaten?

-You need to take better care of yourself.

-I'm all right.

-Do you want me to get you something before you go back on?

-Yeah.

What do you fancy?

Nice steak - medium rare - side salad, new potatoes

and a glass of champagne.

How about I go and see if they've fixed the car

and then grab fish and chips on the way back?

Perfect.

You'll be OK.

Everything'll be all right.

I bet the press can't believe their luck, another divorce.

End-of-the-pier one-nighters...and now a toy boy.

Well, let them think what they like.

You and me is all that matters.

Will you be OK till I get back?

Course.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Made a right old mess of things, haven't you, love?

Not exactly the West End, is it?

THEY LAUGH

It's not funny, though, Dad.

Look at me, knocking 60, another marriage down the toilet, skint...

..and sitting here talking to meself.

When you got yourself in trouble when you were little,

what did I always tell you?

Take some time, think through what happened,

go back over everything, work out what you did wrong...

-and...

-BOTH:

-..don't do it again.

Take a deep breath and you'll be crossing over to...

-The sunny side of the street!

-Job done.

Sometimes it's not that easy, Dad.

That's your mother talking, that is.

Barbara Deeks.

# Grab your coat and get your hat

# Leave your worries on the doorstep

# Just direct your feet

# To the sunny side of the street

# I used to walk in the shade

# With those blues on parade

# But I'm not afraid

# Cos I'm a rover who's crossed over

# And if I never had a cent

# I'd be rich as Rockefeller

# With gold dust at my feet

# On the sunny side of the street. #

Was I all right?

Why did you do a cartwheel?

I-I thought it was fun.

Was it your father's idea?

Come on.

'What did I always tell you?

'Take some time, think through what happened,

'go back over everything, work out what you did wrong

'and don't do it again.'

RADIO PLAYS: On The Sunny Side Of The Street by Louis Armstrong

Private Deeks, reporting for duty, ma'am.

Princess Elizabeth.

Well done.

# Can't you hear that pitter-pat, babe?

# The happy tune is your step

# Life can be so sweet

# On the sunny side of the street

# I used to walk in the shade

# With those blues on parade, whoa

# But I'm not afraid, baby

# My rover crossed over, yes

# If I never have a cent, babe... #

Bye-bye!

Bye, Daddy! Say bye.

TRAIN WHISTLE BLARES

Will Daddy know where I am?

I'll write and tell him.

Now, remember what I told you,

-you speak nicely to the people you stay with.

-I will.

Go on. In you go.

It broke my heart when I sent you away.

That dirty old man touched me.

Yeah. You oughtn't have sent her off like that.

We sent her to the Norths as soon as we found out. They were lovely.

You had no right sending her away!

How do you know what I should and shouldn't've done?

-You weren't there!

-No, I was... I was fighting a war, wasn't I?

-They were dropping bombs on us.

-Didn't hit you, did they?

-You ought to have kept her with you!

-Stop it!

-They evacuated all the children.

-Not all of 'em.

I did what I thought was best, John.

No! You did what you thought was best for you, you mean!

Stop it! Both of you!

What are you doing, love?

I don't know.

Just working things out.

Trying to make sense of it.

And you need me to help you do that?

I always needed you.

We both loved you.

Just had different ways of showing it, that's all.

It wasn't my fault that she was a miserable cow.

THEY CHUCKLE

That's better.

Sometimes a song would come on the radio...

RADIO PLAYS

..and you'd scoop me up...

..twirl me around the room, singing and dancing...

..and I'd see Mum watching us,

all the worries of the world on her shoulders,

like she had two kids to worry about instead of one.

Well, she didn't have to be so serious all the time,

going on at you.

She didn't want you singing and dancing.

She wanted what was best for me, is all.

It was that talent scout, what was his name?

-Brian Mickey.

-He said...

She's really got something, Mrs Deeks.

I have no intention of putting my daughter on the stage, thank you very much.

She's won a scholarship, highest marks in the whole of north London.

She's going to be a foreign-language telephonist.

-First I'd heard of it!

-See?

She changed her mind, though.

Yeah, wonder why that was?

She talked about nothing else.

Do you remember Aida Foster, head of my first drama school?

Should do. Cost me enough.

Well, Mrs Deeks,

your daughter isn't the usual little lady

we have coming through our doors. She's different.

-But we all think she's got something.

-Here we go again.

We don't know what it is, but she definitely has something.

Mary, keep those arms up. And point.

They all said that.

But whatever it was, it was suddenly getting me a lot of work.

And up and smile and up...

Next!

Next!

Next!

Next!

-She's got...

-Something?

You had something else.

You had my name!

Oh, look at this! You know you get this from your father.

Nine hairs and a nit. It's too thin to do anything with.

Sorry, Mum.

Don't be sorry, it's not your fault.

Just wish you had my hair, that's all.

Truth is, I'm not sure your father's got anything worth passing on.

I've got his laugh too. SHE LAUGHS

Don't remind me.

Here, talking of things you've inherited from your father.

Do you know this play Mrs Foster wants you to do?

Love From Judy.

Well, you'll be travelling all over the country,

-it will be your first very big part.

-I know.

And Mrs Foster doesn't think Barbara Deeks is a very good stage name.

-Why not?

-Just isn't.

She said the Barbara's all right,

it's just the Deeks you'll have to change.

-Change my name?

-Well, lots of people do it.

But what would Daddy say?

Barbara, do you want to be on the stage or not?

-Yeah.

-Well, then!

All this money that we're paying this Mrs Foster,

-don't you think we ought to listen to her?

-I suppose.

Look, it'll just be like your professional name.

Like Veronica Lake.

Isn't that her name, then?

No, her real name is Constance Ockelman.

I read it in a magazine only last week.

So, it'd be like an acting name?

That should be all right, then, shouldn't it?

Daddy wouldn't mind that.

Oh, it's up to your father what he minds and what he doesn't mind.

Look, this is about what's best for you.

So, what should I change it to?

Well, I thought...Ellis. My maiden name.

Ellis.

Well, either that or, with it being the Coronation year,

you could use your Aunt Dolly's married name.

Windsor.

Barbara Windsor.

She hated you having my laugh, having my hair.

Anything that reminded her of me.

She couldn't do anything about them, could she?

-It was Mrs Foster's idea.

-Course it was.

I was still your little girl.

Walking away again, Dad?

Hello!

-Now, did Mrs Foster give you a return ticket?

-In my pocket.

Oh, don't lose it. Come on!

The judge will ask you some questions about your father

and we need you to answer them as honestly as you are able.

-Can you do that?

-I'll-I'll try.

Good girl. Right, now...

Can someone find something for Barbara Ann to stand on?

I think it's much better if we can see her.

That's better.

Are you all right, Barbara Ann?

Yes, thank you.

Now, I am going to ask you some questions.

No-one is going to get into any trouble,

we're just trying to work out what's best for you and your parents.

Barbara Ann, have you ever heard your parents arguing?

Yes.

And have you ever heard your father swearing at your mother?

Yes.

Do you remember what words he used?

You don't have to say them out loud, you can write them down.

Did you ever see your father lose his temper?

-Sometimes.

-With you?

-No.

With your mother?

Yes.

Can you tell me the kind of things he'd do when he lost his temper?

..if you want to walk, if you want to go for a walk,

yeah, go for a walk, with your coat in the gutter!

ROSE CRIES

I don't have to do this!

How we going to put food on the table?

And did you ever see your father hit your mother?

Yes, sir.

Come on, Mum! Come on!

LAUGHTER

-Well done, girl!

-Yeah!

# I know a girl called Rose

# If she takes off her clothes

# Then she'll make you propose... #

There are other things too.

It's all right, Barbara Ann, you've told us what we needed to know.

Well done.

Well done, darling.

Is-is that it?

Yes, it's all over now.

Daddy and I aren't together any more,

but the judge says that you can live with me.

-Just you?

-Yes.

But you can still see him once a week and he'll pay for your keep.

But I didn't tell them everything.

You told them just what you needed to.

Here's Daddy!

Don't worry about your father, you know what he's like.

He wouldn't even look at me.

It will all be for the best, I promise.

Now, chin up, we've got a show to do.

Go on or you'll miss it.

WHISTLE BLOWS

They said I had to tell the truth.

I thought they'd ask me about Mum as well, but they didn't.

I know she put you up to it.

Oh, and none of it was your fault?

It wasn't you who did all those things?

Daddy!

I'm sorry.

I was angry. You know what I'm like.

APPLAUSE

There was only one place in the world

where people seemed happy to see me.

People to tell me I was doing all right. Thousands of them.

Every night.

But never you.

PIANO CHORD

# Grab your coat and grab your hat

# Leave your worries on the doorstep. #

I saw you once.

You didn't ought to have done that, Daddy.

Work so hard to make me your little girl.

Not if you were going.

Leaving a ruddy big hole I'd spend the rest of my life trying to fill.

Big shoes, eh, love?

SHE CHUCKLES

# Playing the clown

# Trying to drown all of my woes

# Though things may not look bright

# I know they'll all turn out all right

# If I keep painting the clouds with sunshine

# Painting all the clouds with sunshine, yeah. #

Hello again.

You obviously like my number, you watch it every night.

I-I think it's wonderful Mr Brandon.

Well, that's very sweet of you.

How are you doing?

MUSIC ENDS APPLAUSE

NEXT NUMBER STARTS

I think he was my first crush.

Queer as a nine-bob note.

Don't knock it till you've tried it, dear.

Oh!

Well, you grew up to be such a pretty little thing.

Boys must've been buzzing round you like bees round a honey pot.

Well, people did keep telling me I had something.

When I grew older boys must have thought so, too,

cos they always seemed to be fumbling around looking for it.

Those boobs of yours!

Gawd knows where you got those from.

Wasn't your mother.

Well, I must have got 'em from somewhere.

Barbara Windsor, director says your tits are too big.

He wants 'em strapped up. Put this on.

Oh!

THEY GIGGLE

Oh!

Good thing was, once I worked out what boys wanted,

it came in very handy, 'specially in-between acting jobs.

Well, you haven't exactly got many qualifications, have you?

I've been working as an actress.

Then why do you want to work in a shoe shop?

I'm in-between parts. I work really hard.

You'll have to memorise all the shoes, learn about sizes.

Well, I'm used to learning lines.

And have you done any selling?

Oh, yes, loads!

Liar!

-Would you like to try them on?

-Ta.

I think you should get 'em, love.

Are you sure? They're really dear.

Oh, I'm sure he can afford them, can't you, darlin'?

'I wasn't a flirt...'

Well, not really, I just learnt that most men

are so full of themselves, they think you fancy them anyway.

I just didn't tell 'em any different.

The trouble with blokes is if you let 'em think they can,

-they won't leave you alone.

-Voice of experience, Dad?

I'm Peter Noble. You're very cute in this show.

I'm producing a film, I could write you in it.

Course he could!

My name is Monsieur Vincent, I am from Paris.

Course he is!

Course you are.

You have a beautiful singing voice, I wish for you to sing in my revue.

Oh!

I'm Peter Charlesworth,

I'm a song plugger but I'm setting up as an agent.

I'd like to handle you.

-I bet he would.

-I bet you would.

I'm Ronnie Scott.

BOTH: Course you are.

No, I am. Really.

I need a new singer for my club.

And you, little one, well, you've got something.

JAUNTY MUSIC INTRODUCTION

# I've never wanted wealth untold

# My life has one design

# A simple little band of gold

# To prove that you are mine

# Don't want the world to have and hold

# For fame is not my line

# Just want a little band of gold

# To prove that you are mine

# Some sail away to Araby

# And other lands of mystery

# But all the wonders that they'll see

# Will never tempt me

# Oh, their memories will soon grow cold

# Until the end of time

# There'll be a little band of gold

# To prove that you are mine. #

CHEERING

SAXOPHONE PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

Bloody musicians.

Oh, I loved Ronnie.

He used to take me to a little flat above a salt beef shop.

Like I said, bloody musicians.

SHE GIGGLES

I'm fed up with you wasting your time and talent, Barbara, darling,

singing at all these clubs.

But I like singing, Peter.

Magician's assistant!

Oh, I really liked that job.

-Everybody could see you.

-What?

In the box - you were meant to disappear -

everyone could see your bum!

And your foot, sticking out the bottom.

They didn't train me properly.

You were bloody awful, and do you know why?

Why?

Because you're not a magician's assistant.

You're an actress!

Then get me an acting job.

I have.

You start in The Gimmick opposite Bernard Braden and Barbara Kelly,

two months on tour then straight into the West End.

Big stars, they were.

It was a big break.

You're sacked!

Eh?

Reviews are in. Barbara number two outacts Barbara number one!

Oh!

Hi, I'm Slim Cattan, I'm a film producer.

-Course he is!

-Course you are.

There's a great little part for you.

You'll have to talk to my agent.

I'll do that.

All these blokes wanting something.

I didn't know who to trust.

-Oh, and that was my fault, was it?

-No!

Well...

maybe a bit.

When I was little you always made me feel safe.

I suppose part of me was just looking for someone else to do that, really.

Did a lot of looking.

Oi! Weren't that many blokes.

HE SCOFFS There weren't!

That's not funny.

Sorry.

Did you go and ask about that job I told you about, darlin'?

I was busy.

I put a word in for you, all you had to do was turn up.

HE PLAYS SAXOPHONE

He was bad news.

Yeah, maybe.

But not all of them were.

All right, Neil?

Yeah, mate.

Aren't you going to introduce me to this pretty lady?

Who you calling pretty?

You.

You must want your eyes testing, I ain't wearing any make-up.

-You're still pretty.

-Watch him, Babs, he's after something.

-Ain't they all?

-I am after something, as it goes.

What?

Your number.

I'll think about it.

Ronnie!

She says she'll be home by 11, you can call her then.

Oh, Ronnie!

Stan! How's Jenny and the kids?

Yeah, eating me out of house and home.

-Give 'em my best, eh?

-Course.

-All right, Ron.

-All right, Billy.

-Mr Knight.

-Frank.

You've got a lot of friends.

I am a very friendly fella.

Oh.

Remind you of anyone?

Thank you, I had a lovely evening.

Me too. We do it again?

I'd like that.

Night.

Night.

You know he's married?

What?

With a daughter.

And a baby on the way.

-I just want to see Barbara!

-No.

-I just want to see her.

-I told you, Ronnie, you're not welcome.

-Will you just let me in?

-No, out you go. Come on now.

-I just want to talk to her.

-She doesn't want to see you!

-I need to explain.

-Shouldn't you be explaining to your wife?

-It's not what you think.

-Oh, it's exactly what I think. Now out you go!

-It's not!

Out, Ronnie. Out!

DOOR SLAMS

-Bar!

-THUDDING

Bar, I just want to talk!

The least I could do was give him a chance to explain.

Well, it's your life.

I met June when we was at school.

She got pregnant, so I married her.

Ain't much of a marriage, though. We live very separate lives.

I was going to tell you.

I swear I was.

I'll get a divorce.

I'll prove it to you.

I don't want you doing that.

-What about your kids?

-I-I'll see they're all right.

I don't know, Ronnie.

Look.

Look, whether I'm with you or not, I'm still not going to be with her.

It's over between us.

I want to be with you.

Well, don't look at me!

Can I trust you?

I'll never let you down.

I promise.

You're not hiding anything else?

-Nothing.

-No more surprises?

No.

I swear to God.

Oh, please! Don't tell me you didn't see that coming.

I didn't! He swore he was innocent.

-RONNIE:

-I'm innocent, Barb.

I swear it.

15 months.

Wait for me!

-Come along, then.

-Yeah, all right.

Slim Cattan, film producer. We met a month or so back.

Did we?

Yeah, I said I was making a movie. There was a great little part for you.

You said I should speak to your agent.

-Oh, that's right.

-Yeah.

Well, I did.

And if you're still interested...

I've sort of got a job. I'm singing in a club.

I... I'm sure we can work around that.

The movie's called Too Hot To Handle,

starring Jayne Mansfield.

THE Jayne Mansfield?

That's right. So you interested?

She's interested.

That's great. I'll be in touch.

Can I ask you something?

-Sure, kid.

-This part -

why me?

You've just got...

-HE SIGHS

-..something.

Jayne Mansfield!

Is there anything else, Miss Mansfield?

I want flowers in my dressing room.

-Flowers.

-Orchids.

-Orchids, right.

And a bottle of champagne on ice for guests.

I always have guests.

Orchids. Champagne.

And in the chorus line,

I want all the tall girls with big chests moved to the back.

Tall girls with boobs at the back.

Er, who's this?

This is Miss Barbara Windsor, Miss Mansfield.

She's playing Ponytail.

She's blonde.

Sure. Is that a problem?

Have it coloured. Light brown.

Oh, sorry, you can't do that.

Only I've got another job singing at a club, you see,

and if I'm not blonde tonight, well, I'll get the sack.

Oh.

And do something about those, too.

Stuck-up cow.

You all right, love?

You've gone white as a sheet.

I feel a bit sick.

He's in Hans Crescent.

It's a bit more expensive, but you're up and about quicker.

Shoves amyl nitrates up your hooter, then gets rid.

Doesn't sound very nice.

You could always keep it.

DISTANT SOBBING

SOBBING CONTINUES

I needed you then.

Because your bloke was still in the nick.

And your mum was playing happy families with her new bloke.

I needed you!

Does it matter why?

'I was pregnant.'

Is it mine?

Who else's would it be?

Wait, you... You said, "was", "was pregnant".

I got rid of it.

Oh.

OK.

You still working at the club?

Yeah.

I got a bit part in a film.

Oh, yeah?

Lots of blokes in it, is there?

No.

Still waiting for me, then?

Of course I am, Ronnie.

I'm sorry.

What for?

All this.

And the...

You know.

Me, too.

You know I love you, don't you?

Waste of space.

-Don't say that.

-True, wasn't it?

He was good to me.

And I loved him.

You deserve better!

Spent too much time with him.

Got yourself in a...right mess.

Oh, and your life was so perfect, was it?

I'm not the one in an empty theatre talking to myself.

I'm thinking.

Drowning, more like.

FOOTSTEPS

Wyndham Theatre, Charing Cross Road, tomorrow morning.

-Oh, what is it?

-Ten sharp.

-Morning.

-What you after?

I'm here for the audition at ten.

It's only quarter to.

Oh, I know. I'm always early.

-Mind your feet, mind your feet.

-Oh!

So what part are you up for, then?

I dunno. I'm only here cos my agent told me to be.

Don't you want to be here, then?

They said it's for a musical at Stratford East.

I'd rather be in the West End.

See your name up there in lights, can you?

I ain't being grand!

My nan's a cleaner at the Pimm's factory in Shoreditch.

It's just I was born in the East End,

and my mum worked really hard to get us away from there.

Wouldn't be much point if we ended up back where we started.

Well, aren't you a cute little thing?

-Go on in, there's a kettle in the green room.

-Ta.

Hello?

Who are you?

Barbara Windsor.

Hello, Babs.

Lionel. Lionel Bart.

-Oh, hello, darling! Is this one of yours?

-Yeah.

I couldn't see you there.

Still at the Winston Club with Danny La Rue?

-Yeah, you'll have to come down.

-I will.

Are you ready?

Yeah, I've had a cup of tea, the cleaner let me in early.

Do you know what part you're up for?

No. Not really.

It's the part of Rosie, an Irish prostitute.

Can you do an Irish accent?

No. Sorry.

So where are you from?

Shoreditch.

Do they have prostitutes in Shoreditch?

A few.

Then give me an East End Rosie.

When you're ready.

IN AN EAST LONDON ACCENT: 'Ello! Short time, mister?

It's five bob for a J Arthur,

ten bob for a plate,

and a quid for a full card trick!

SHE GIGGLES

-LAUGHING

-That was very good.

Thank you.

-Can you sing?

-Yes.

Have you got something prepared?

You going to play piano, Lionel?

If you can sing, you don't need him.

Go on, love, just give it to them!

Right.

# Grab your coat and get your hat

# Leave your worries on the doorstep

# Just direct your feet

# To the sunny side of the street

# Can you hear that pitter-pat?

# And a happy tune is your step

# Life can be so sweet

# On the sunny side of the street

# I used to walk in the shade

# With those blues on parade

# But I'm not afraid

# Cos I'm a rover that's crossed over

# And if I never had a cent

# I'd be rich as Rockefeller

# With gold dust at my feet

# On the sunny side of the street! #

Where have you been all my life?

You're a wonderful little bird.

Well, not quite a bird, not yet. More an egg.

Oh, you're the cleaner!

It's Joan Littlewood, Babs.

And you, little bird's egg, got the job at the stage door.

SHE GASPS

All right, everyone.

Fings Ain't Wot They Used T'Be.

Get yourselves into a circle

and we'll do a first read-through of the script.

But I want you to all play each other's parts.

So, Barbara, I want you to play Tosher, the ponce.

Oh! But you said I was playing Rosie.

Yes, but for now I want you to play Tosher.

Find out what his character's about, what his problems are.

Who he is.

But he's a bloke.

See! You're learning already, bird's egg.

Costumes.

Here, grab a hat.

I want you to improvise.

Now switch genders, fully inhabit each other's roles.

Now get into character.

Push his masculinity, little bird.

Yes. Oh, that boa's very good on you.

Now switch characters.

This is a trust exercise.

Back-to-back, up and down.

Now work together.

Stab and mould.

Very centred, very earthed.

Think about the underbelly of the city.

Bigger, stronger, more liquid.

Smooth like you're moving through oil.

Now stab! Stab!

-THEY GRUNT

-Very good. Yeah, really kill.

Now look at the model box.

Here we've got Fings Ain't Wot They Used T'Be.

It comes down here like that.

Brechtian set. Stripped back.

Nothing for you to hide behind.

Back to the script!

THEY MURMUR

Right, let us do it all again, everyone switch characters

and this time don't sing the songs, speak them.

I mean, I don't get it.

We've done it backwards, sideways, read each other's parts,

pulled the story apart, and put it back together again.

I mean...

You've changed the songs, the lines,

who does what... And then changed it all back again.

Why can't we just learn our parts,

learn the songs and just get on with it?

You're not really enjoying yourself, are you, bird's egg?

-No, I'm not.

-Too much like hard work?

No.

What, then? You don't like doing new things?

Doing things differently?

I'm just asking why we can't rehearse it normally.

Because I'm trying to find something else,

to make it better than it has a right to be.

-But I hate it.

-Well, why don't you piss off, then?

-What?

-You heard me.

Piss off to the West End if that's where you'd rather be.

All right, then! I will.

That's it, girl, you tell her!

That was terrible, I think you should do

it ALL again.

I've spoken to the Wyndham.

They've got some flamin' cheek.

Joan Littlewood is the most innovative theatre director

this country's ever seen and you've just walked out on her.

She told me to piss off.

That didn't mean to say you had to actually piss off!

Yeah, well, I did.

Oh, do you know how many actors, with ten times the experience

you've got, would give their right arm to work with Joan Littlewood?

-Well, let them, then.

-Barbara, please - don't do this.

You've worked really hard for an opportunity like this...

..don't waste it.

Stubborn. Just like your father!

Oi, oi!

SHE SIGHS

More articulate, more dynamic.

Hello, bird's egg!

Carry on, everyone, don't stop.

Had a nice time up West?

See your name up in lights, did you?

Yes, it was very nice, thank you.

Can I play Rosie now?

Someone find her a script.

Here you are, Barb.

What's this?

Joan asked me to write a song for you.

She really thinks you've got something.

Want to give it a go?

-What, just sing it...properly?

-Yeah!

-Sit her on a box.

-What?

Centre stage. On a box.

Now, sit on your hands, bird's egg.

-My hands?

-Yes, your hands.

Otherwise you'll go all West End on us,

waving your arms about like you're flamin' Judy Garland.

PIANO STARTS

# Where do little birds go to?

# In the wintertime?

# There'll be blizzards and snow too

# In the wintertime

# And the thought of it horrifies me so

# Where do, where do, where do little birds go?

# Where do, where do, where do little birds, ooooh. #

APPLAUSE

You got a minute, Bar?

I've got some friends in, they'd really like to meet you.

Course, darlin', bring 'em in.

Bar, these are the Kray twins,

Ronnie and Reggie, and their brother Charlie.

Oh. Hello, boys.

Very nice to meet you.

Oh. You too.

We really enjoyed the show.

-Oh.

-You were fantastic.

Thank you. Can I get you all a drink?

Oh, no, thank you.

We don't want to take up any more of your time.

We've got a club on the Mile End Road, the Kentucky.

You should try and drop in. Chuck knows where it is.

Might just do that.

Come on, then, let's leave the lady in peace.

Oh, well, all right.

I mean, it was lovely to meet you, boys.

That drink you offered?

Thought I might take you up on it.

Oh.

Tomorrow night. Maybe have a bit of dinner first.

Blimey, you're not shy, are ya?

Well, is that a yes?

We'll see!

Thanks for that, Bar.

Ah, no problem, darlin'. They seem like nice boys.

Yeah.

HE CHUCKLES

You've been doing all right for yourself, Barb.

I work hard.

I been dreaming about you doing me a fry-up.

Don't get your hopes up, I ain't much of a cook.

You missed me, then?

Course I have.

Been in the papers a lot.

Like I said, been working hard.

Things are going really well.

Well...

We can enjoy them together now, can't we?

Yeah.

So you ready for this, then?

Oh, not half.

Hardly your scene, was it, darlin'? Housewife.

Just had a call, actually I've had a lot of calls.

How do you fancy doing some telly?

Oh, not really.

Good, I'll tell them you'll be there.

Well, hang on, you haven't even told me what it is yet.

It's a new comedy set in a dress factory, called The Rag Trade.

They love you, it's a hit.

The Tony Hancock people want to see you.

And there's a part in a film called Sparrows Can't Sing.

Now, the director wants you but the producers don't,

so we'll just have to see how it plays out.

PHONE RINGS Well, who's the director?

Either bird's egg does it, or you can all piss off.

I've just heard, you've got the part. Mwah!

THEY CHUCKLE

So you're married to a Jimmy Booth, who goes off to sea,

comes back and you've buggered off.

We'll be shooting in Stepney mostly,

so you'll feel right at home, bird's egg.

Oh, there's a scene at the end, in a nightclub,

do you know anywhere we could use?

We don't normally allow shooting in our club, Miss Littlewood, but on

this occasion, as you're a friend of Barbara's, it would be a pleasure.

Well, we're very grateful.

Do you mind if we get a picture?

Course not, darlin'.

Right. Smile.

-Thank you.

-Oh, you're very welcome.

-The bloody hyenas are gathering, bird's egg.

-Eh?

The press are outside.

Apparently your boyfriend's been arrested again.

It was a fit-up, Barb.

Well, it always is.

They can't prove nothing, they're just trying it on,

my brief reckons she'll get me off.

You can't keep doing this, Ronnie, I'm in the West End now, I'm doing

a new film. The papers are all over me, you have to tell me the truth!

I'm the one stuck out here trying to deal with all this!

Shouldn't you be worrying about me and not yourself?

Or are you getting too grand for me now you're a big star?

No. I am worried about you.

Then act like it.

Sorry.

Hey, wait a minute, who's that?

Look, Charlie, I've made up my mind, I ain't coming back to you.

-I don't want to ever meet you again.

-You've already met me, ain't ya?

Yeah, worse luck. Anyway, I'm going home.

I might go with ya.

Shut up. Can't think when you look at me.

HE CHUCKLES

"Miss Barbara Windsor's latest film role

"in Sparrows Can't Sing has proved a success on both sides of

"the Atlantic with Miss Windsor nominated for a Bafta award,

"cementing her place at the very top of her profession.

"In other news, Miss Windsor's current beau, Ronnie Knight,

"has been found not guilty of theft from a Chelsea power station."

-What did I tell ya?

-Ronnie!

HE SIGHS HAPPILY

HE CHUCKLES

What do you want?

I'm talking to my client, if it's all the same.

It's work, Ronnie.

You go on home and I'll be home later, cook you a nice meal.

You don't know him like I do, nobody does.

Be that as it may, it seems that in typical Windsor fashion,

you have two tigers by the tail.

-Eh?

-Ronnie Knight and your career.

The offers are flooding in,

the best of which seems to be from a producer called Peter Rogers.

-Peter Rogers!

-Yes, he wants you for his next film.

-Well, that's amazing! What is it?

-It's a comedy.

Oh!

No, I think it'll be good for you to do something funny after Sparrows.

What's it called?

Carry On Spying.

Oh, and, er, I almost forgot, June's agreed to a divorce.

So I was thinking...

What?

Well, everywhere I go, everybody calls me Mr Windsor, so I thought...

Oh, Ronnie, don't do this.

-Do what?

-You're going to propose.

Don't you want to marry me, then?

I just like things the way they are.

Good, then they'll be exactly the way they are.

Only we'll be married.

Ronnie!

I mean it, Barb - either you marry me or I'm off.

You don't mean that.

Don't I?

Would it really be so bad, eh?

Being my wife?

No.

-All right, then.

-You're a good girl.

You're not going to get down on one knee or anything?

HE SCOFFS

Nah!

All right, everyone, settle down, this is Barbara,

she'll be playing Daphne Honeybutt.

Don't worry, Babs, they're a good lot.

Right! Arrival at the restaurant.

-All right, Babs?

-Yes, ta.

Watch out for Kenny, he can be difficult.

He doesn't really like new people.

-I've heard he's a pain in the bum.

-Watch he doesn't hear you.

Oh, don't care if he does.

Didn't he have a fallout with Fenella Fielding?

-This is Kenny, Babs, he's fallen out with everyone.

-Oh.

All right, let's make a start, please.

BELL RINGS

Hiya.

And...turn over.

117, take one.

And...action!

You can come in now.

Oh, hello, good evening. My cloak, thank you.

May I have your hat, sir?

Thank you very much.

Thank you, sir.

Mm, ta.

Oh, yes, here... Oh, never mind!

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

HE LAUGHS WILDLY

HE CLEARS THROAT What do we do now, sir?

Well, now we'd better split up, you two go in together.

But from now on, you don't know me and I don't know you.

Understood?

Of course, sir. We don't know you.

Cut!

BELL RINGS

Er, Babs, er, the line is - "Yes, of course, sir,

"we don't know who you are..."

Oh, sorry, everyone. My fault.

Dah-ling, do please get it right.

Don't you talk to me like that with Fenella Fielding's minge hair

stuck round your chops, cos I won't bloody stand for it!

Ha-ha-ha! Oh, isn't she wonderful! I love her!

I'm Kenny.

I'm Barbara.

Oh, how lovely to meet you. You are funny, aren't you?

BOTH GIGGLE

Hey, how did you know about all that?

THEY LAUGH

From now on, you don't know me and I don't know you.

Yes, of course, sir. We don't know who you are.

-That's right. Mum's the word.

-Hello, bird's egg.

-Hiya.

-I've been asked to do Oh! What A Lovely War on Broadway,

do you fancy it?

I dunno, I'm not sure it's my cup of tea.

-Why?

-Well, it's a company piece, isn't it?

Nothing really to get my teeth into.

Too grand for it now you're a movie star?

No. I-I just like what I'm doing, that's all.

Carry On Spying?

Well, now who's being bleedin' grand?

Did I mention it was bleedin' Broadway?

I know and I'd love to do that one day, with the right play,

I'm just not sure that this is it.

If you're not careful, you'll end up playing this

sexy little blonde for the rest of your life.

Spread your wings, little bird.

Can I let you know?

I'll have to talk to Ronnie.

-Quick as you can, bird's egg.

-Right.

If that's what you want to do, babe, then do it.

It's for a few months.

-I got 15 months, remember.

-Mmm.

We lived through that.

He said I can go.

Good girl. See you in New York.

DRUMS PLAY

# Oh, oh, oh, it's a lovely war

# Who wouldn't be a soldier, eh?

# Oh, it's a shame to take the pay

# As soon as reveille is gone

# We feel just as heavy as lead

# But we never get up till the sergeant

# Brings our breakfast up to bed

# Oh, oh, oh, it's a lovely war

# Oh, what do we want with eggs and ham

# When we've got plum and apple jam?

# Form fours, right turn

# How shall we spend the money we earn?

# Oh, oh, oh, it's a lovely war. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think we might have another hit.

Oh, do you think so?

You're the toast of Broadway, Babs, enjoy it.

Come on. Someone wants to meet you.

-Who?

-You'll see.

-Oh.

HE CLEARS THROAT

Warren.

Here she is!

Hi.

Oh. Oh, hello.

I just wanted to say I saw the show, I-I thought you were terrific.

And congratulations on your Tony nomination.

Thank you. Sorry, have we met?

Only, you look really familiar.

I-I'm Warren Beatty.

Yes, you are.

-CHUCKLING:

-Yes, I am.

Well, I'm glad we cleared that up.

LAUGHTER

Maybe we could have a drink while you're in New York?

Tea at Sardi's, maybe?

Oh, sounds really nice.

-I'll give you a call.

-Oh.

He's got the hots for you.

Me? Don't be stupid, no, he hasn't.

-He's Warren Beatty, he's got the hots for everyone.

-Oh!

To you.

MUSIC STARTS

Wasn't all work, though, was it?

Shepard Coleman?

Oh, no, Dad, don't!

I thought that's why we were here. You trying to make sense of things.

I am.

Well, then, you shouldn't miss things out, might be important.

I was a long way from home.

I'd never met anyone quite like him before.

It wasn't about sex, we spent most of the time talking. Till three

or four in the morning, sometimes.

The most conversation I'd ever had with Ronnie was about how

many eggs he wanted with his fry-up.

SAXOPHONE PLAYS

I didn't know it could be like that.

Being with Shep in New York made me realise that marrying Ronnie

had been a mistake.

He wanted me to stay.

But we both knew I couldn't.

See?

It's better to talk about it.

Yeah, you're right.

So shall we talk about when I came back?

Are you Barbara Deeks?

I was.

Do I know you?

I'm married to your father.

Well, that was a nice surprise, wasn't it?

So I remarried, big deal.

Well, didn't you want me to be your bridesmaid?

You weren't part of my life then.

You were always a part of mine.

I'd had a heart attack.

Come in.

Daddy.

Hello, love.

How are you? Julie said you've been ill.

You need to look after yourself better.

Stop fussing.

Well, you've been making quite a name for yourself, I see.

I wasn't sure you knew.

Made me very proud.

Should be proud of yourself too.

Doing so well.

Every audition I went to, I sung Sunny Side Of The Street,

just like you showed me.

HE CHUCKLES

And every time, I got the job.

Well, you always was Daddy's little girl, weren't you?

I still will be. If you'll let me.

Not been much of a dad, have I?

Don't say that. It wasn't easy, I know that.

But all this time, whatever I was doing, part of me was hoping

that you'd be watching, and that maybe you'd come and see me.

I nearly did, about a hundred times.

You're here now, though, eh?

Yeah.

It was like I was five years old again.

# Grab your coat and grab your hat

# Leave your worries on the doorstep

# Just direct your feet

# To the sunny side of the street... #

I think that's enough now, he's getting tired.

I've only just got here.

Oh, she's all right.

The doctor said you weren't to get excited.

He needs peace and quiet.

Oh, OK, erm, well, maybe I can come back, then.

Or...you can come to dinner.

At mine. When you're feeling up to it.

I'd like that.

Right, then, I'll show you out.

He will be all right, won't he?

Yeah, I'll look after him. Just like I have been doing.

HE COUGHS

Well, I'm here now, I can help.

Well, if I need anything, I'll be sure to let you know.

After I came to see you, I kept calling, writing you letters.

Why didn't I ever hear from you?

But we weren't expecting ya.

Well, we thought with it being Christmas.

Well, you should've phoned first!

I have been trying. I want to see my dad.

Who is it?

-Merry Christmas, Daddy.

-I don't want nothing off you.

-Hold on, Mr D, what you doing?

-You can stay out of it an' all.

She's your daughter.

Not any more, she ain't.

You ain't been to see me for months!

Well, now, I don't have time for you.

I have tried to see you, Dad, I called. Ask her!

I said, get out!

You know what, John, if you wasn't an old man, so help me...

HE CHUCKLES

Get out!

You heard him. We want you to leave.

Daddy, please don't do this!

Come on.

Come on.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

How could you have done that?

She didn't tell me that you were calling.

I thought you'd just forgotten about me.

-Well, you could've asked.

-I saw red.

Like you did that day in court?

Oh, there you go, drag all that up again, why don't ya!

This isn't dragging it up, it's my life!

All I ever did was love you, think the best of you.

SHE SNIFFLES

All you ever did was push me away.

Didn't do you any harm, did it?

Taught you to stand on your own two feet.

-Toughened you up.

-You really believe that, don't you?

It's true, isn't it?

And you're always right, aren't you, Dad?

I was right about that bloke of yours.

Barb...wait! Barb.

So, while the police were kicking in your front door and

questioning you all night, guess what - he was shagging someone else.

All right! I know!

I'm a bad judge of men, story of my bleedin' life.

And you know why, Dad? Because I believe them.

I believed them when they said everything will be all right,

that I'm the only girl they've ever really loved and that we'll

live happily ever after.

Just like I believed you when you said it.

-So you want to go back to work?

-Yes, please.

Well, they've offered you a Carry On film. Carry On Doctor.

Oh, don't tell me, I'm a sexy little blonde nurse?

-How did you guess?

-Who else is in it?

Usual crowd, they're trying to get Sid James back.

He's been ill but said he'd do it as long as he could stay in bed.

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, go on, then, I just want to be busy.

MAN CACKLES LOUDLY

'You're a proper actress, little bird. If you do this,

'that's all you'll ever be, the sexy little blonde.

'You always was Daddy's little girl, weren't ya?

-'You don't know him like I do.

-I'll never let you down.

-'You're a wonderful little bird.

-Barbara number two outacts...

-'The movie's called...

-I need a new singer for my club.

'"Miss Windsor nominated for a Bafta award."

'Where have you been all my life?!'

Can't turn the clock back, can we, love?

SEAGULLS CRY

-No.

-What you doing here, love?

Phone's not ringing like it did, Dad.

You'll always get work.

There's not much call for 50-year-old sexy blondes.

You're much more than that.

And all this is just a blip, you wait and see.

Any time now, you'll be crossing over.

# Grab your coat and grab your hat

# Leave your troub... #

My whole life...

I've never been able to find it.

The sunny side of the street. And you know why, Dad?

Cos there was always your shadow across it.

Always making me think I'd done something wrong...

..that I'd let you down somehow.

So I could never quite see the sun.

SEAGULLS CRY

It left me trying to make it better all the time...

..to please you.

To make you happy with me again.

To make you pick me up and twirl me around again.

Only you weren't bloody there, were you?

I don't need this.

So I tried to make everybody else happy instead.

Hoping that just one of them would make me feel the way that you did.

And that's all I've ever been doing.

Since the day you walked past me in that courtroom like I didn't exist.

A little girl trying to make her dad happy with her again.

How could I have kids when I'm still a kid myself?

And how could I love anybody else?

I can't do it any more, Daddy.

I need to be happy.

It's my time now.

FOOTSTEPS RECEDE

Ta-da!

Car's done, it was 200 quid.

Still, they reckoned if we hadn't stopped when we did, it'd've been

a whole new engine.

So at least we don't have to go to Wimbledon on the bus.

Oh, that'd be something, wouldn't it? YOU turning up on a bus!

What?

Ain't you lovely?

Yeah, I am.

What's brought this on?

Just had a walk around, cleared me head.

Good, you'll need a clear head, munchkin, cos we're going to get

you out of these one-nighters and into a proper acting job.

Show 'em what you can do.

You reckon?

Nobody knows who I am any more.

Don't be daft, you're Barbara bleedin' Windsor.

Here - maybe we should change the posters.

"One night only - "Miss Barbara Bleedin' Windsor!"

THEY CHUCKLE

It'll do, until they make you a dame.

We're going to be all right, aren't we, darlin'?

Me and you.

Course we are.

THEY GIGGLE

FOOTSTEPS ECHO

# Grab your coat and get your hat

# Leave your worries on the doorstep

# Life can be so sweet

# On the sunny side of the street

# Can't you hear that pitter-pat?

# And that happy tune is your step

# Life can be so sweet

# On the sunny side of the street

# I used to walk in the shade

# With those blues on parade

# But I'm not afraid

# Cos I'm a rover who's crossed over

# And if I never, never had a cent

# I'd be rich as Rockefeller

# Gold dust at my feet

# On the sunny, sunny side of the street. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

SHE GIGGLES