10 - The Judoon: Smith & Jones Doctor Who: Greatest Monsters & Villains

Hello. It's Joel here in the actual Tardis and welcome to Doctor Who's

50th anniversary Greatest Monsters and Villains Weekend, where we

reveal your favourite beasties from across time and space - as voted for

by you. We are going to catch ourselves a

monster. That's right, you the fantastic Doctor Who fans took the

time to go online and vote, and now all those mouse clicks have been

counted and the results are in. And for any you who aren't happy with

the results and think you can go back in time to change things, well

- tough. This is one of those fixed points in time and space

thingy-wingies that cannot be tampered with, no matter how

upsetting. A bit like The Battle of Hastings, Vesuvius destroying

Pompeii, or Miley Cyrus's twerking. Oh, it's horrific. First up and in

last place it's the horniest beasts in the entire galaxy. Your viewing

figures just went up. No, John Barrowman, down boy! That's right.

With features that wouldn't look out of place in an African nature

reserve, it is of course the Judoon. The Judoon. They are like the

police. Interplanetary thugs. # I fought the Law and the Law one

#. Man, those things are ugly. Don't

worry, I haven't offended them. They're thick-skinned, you see.

Judoon? Yes, the Judoon. The Rhino-headed galactic police force,

who show an uncompromising, non-commonsensical enforcement of

the law. You will be catalogued. Category, human.

But they are a simple bunch. Take their language, for example. Nothing

but two and three letter words that all seem to end in an O. Just one of

the reasons why the Judoon have never produced a Countdown champion.

But make no mistake, these thugs for hire are ruthless towards anyone who

breaks the law, no matter how trivial the crime.

Plead guilty. And there's me thinking you couldn't smoke in

hospitals. Ha! Luckily they have no jurisdiction on Earth, so we have

nothing to worry about, right? Wrong.

As you'll see in this episode, the Judoon aren't too shy to bend the

rules themselves. Here we see them use their H2O scoop to transport a

hospital from Earth and plonk it on the Moon in order to search for an

alien fugitive disguised as a patient.

Identify humans and find the transgressor. So without much

further ado, here's your tenth-placed greatest monster, the

Judoon in Smith And Jones. I had salad. And the night before?

Salad again. RAP: What can happen on the

average beautiful day? It's a nightmare, cos Dad

won't listen, Mum is going mental. Martha, this is epic.

You've gotta stop him. Martha, if Mum and Dad kick off,

tell 'em I don't even want a party. I didn't ask for one. They can

always give me the money instead. Why do I have to tell them?

Hold on, that's Mum. I don't mind your father making

a fool of himself in private, but this is Leo's 21st -

everyone is going to be there, and the entire family

will look ridiculous. Mum, it's a party! I can't stop Dad

from bringing his girlfriend. Hold on, that's Dad.

I'll call you back. Ohh! Martha? Now, tell your mother.

Leo is my son, What will it look like for Mum

if you're there with Annalise? Hi, Martha! Hiii!

Hiii, Annalise... Big kiss! Lots of love!

See you at the party, babes! I was all right till this morning

and then, I don't know, I woke up

and I felt all dizzy again. Well, let's see what Britain's

finest might suggest. Er, dizziness could be a sign

of early-onset diabetes. We could take bloods and

check for Meniere's disease. What did you have for dinner

last night? I had salad. And the night before?

Salad again. And salad every night for the past

week, contrary to my instructions. Salt deficiency, that's all.

Simple, honest salt. Hippocrates himself expounded

on the virtues of salt. Recommended the inhalation

of steam from sea water. Though no doubt, if he'd been

afflicted with my students, his oaths might have been

rather more colourful. Now then, Mr Smith, good morning

to you. How are you today? Oh, not so bad.

Still a bit, y'know, bleuch. John Smith, admitted yesterday

with severe abdominal pains. Jones? Why don't you see

what you can find? Amaze me. Well, it wasn't very clever running

round outside, was it? Sorry? On Chancellor Street? You came up to

me and took your tie off. Really? I don't know. You just did. Not me.

I was here in bed. Ask the nurses. That's weird, cos it looked like

you. Have you got a brother? As time passes and I grow ever more

infirm and weary, Miss Jones? Are you having trouble

locating the heart? Stomach cramps?

That is a symptom, not a diagnosis. That happened to me this morning.

I had the same thing. And me, in the lift.

Well, it's only to be expected. There's a thunderstorm moving in,

and lightning is a form of static electricity,

as was first proven by... Moving on... I think perhaps

a visit from Psychiatric. We tell Annalise that the buffet

tonight is 100% carbohydrate In this weather? I'm not going out.

It's pouring. It's not raining here. It's like in cartoons,

when a man's got a cloud over him. We tell Dad and Annalise

to get there early, about 7:30, and we tell Leo to get there at the

same time to do that birthday stuff. We tell Mum to get there

for about 8:30, 9, then that gives me time to have

a word with Annalise, and... What? What the hell was that?

Are you all right? It felt like an earthquake, or...?

Martha! Have you seen Mr Stoker?

I'm sorry, I can't. Hold on.

Don't! We'll lose all the air! Very good point! Brilliant, in fact.

What was your name? Well, Martha Jones, question is,

how are we breathing? We can't be!

We are, don't waste my time. Martha, is there a balcony on

this floor, or a veranda, or...? By the patients' lounge, yeah.

Do you fancy going out? Sure? Yeah.

D'you want to go back in? No way. We could die any minute,

but all the same... D'you think? How many people

want to go to the moon? It's got to be.

I dunno, a few years ago that would've sounded mad,

but these days... I promise you, Mr Smith,

we will find a way out. If we can travel to the moon,

we can travel back. There must be a way.

It's not Smith. That's not my real name.

Who are you, then? Just the Doctor.

How do you mean, "Just the Doctor"? Just the Doctor.

What, people call you "the Doctor"? Far as I'm concerned,

you've got to earn that title. I'd better make a start, then.

Let's have a look, What happens when it runs out?

How many people here? Why would anyone do that?

ENGINES ROAR I'm sorry, I didn't know who else

to ask. But can you help me? I think we've gone

beyond aspirin, Miss, er...? What are names now, when something

unnameable is marching towards us? Two more years, I thought, two more

years, and then retire to Florida. I can't do anything!

Oh, I think you can. What do you two want? It's a bit

late to sign for anything. I'm sorry? You see,

there are great tests to come, and terrible deeds,

some of them my own. But if I'm to survive this,

I need you. What are you doing?

Let go of me! What the hell? Let go! And who better than a consultant,

with blood full of salty fats and vintage wines and

all those Michelin-star sauces? Who are you?

Oh, I'm a survivor, Mr Stoker. I was just trying to help. I'm sorry.

Don't hurt me, please don't hurt me. ON DEVICE: 'P-Please don't hurt me.

I was just trying to help. 'I'm sorry. Don't hurt me.'

Language assimilated. Aw, look, you've got a little shop!

I like a little shop. Police for hire.

More like interplanetary thugs. And they brought us to the moon?

Neutral territory. According to Galactic Law, they've

got no jurisdiction over the Earth. That rain and lightning?

That was them using an H2O Scoop. What are you on about, "Galactic

Law"? Where d'you get that from? Human. If they're police,

are we under arrest? Are we trespassing on the moon?

No, but I like that! Good thinking. No, wish it were that simple.

They're making a catalogue. Stop looking at me like that.

Come on, then. Troop Five, floor one!

Troop Six, floor two! Identify humans

and find the transgressor! Find it! They're not going to hurt us.

Listen to them. What's that thing?

Sonic screwdriver. Well, if you won't answer

properly... No, really, it is! It's a

screwdriver. And it's sonic. Look. What else have you got?

A laser spanner? No, it was stolen by Emily Pankhurst,

cheeky woman. I was just travelling past, I swear.

I wasn't looking for trouble. I noticed these plasma coils

around the hospital. It's been building up

for two days now. So I thought something was going on

inside. What are they looking for?

Something that looks human but isn't. But not me. Haven't they got a photo?

Might be a shape-changer. Whatever it is, can't you just

leave the Judoon to find it? All of us? Oh, yes.

But if I can find this thing first... Oh! See?! They're thick!

Judoon are thick. Oh, that's clever.

What are we looking for? Don't know. Just keep working. I'll go and

ask Mr Stoker. He might know. I've restored the backup.

I found her! You did what? But I don't know which one!

Then find out! Increased the radiation by 5,000%.

Killed him dead. But isn't that gonna kill you?

Nah, it's only Rontgen radiation. It's safe for you to come out.

I've absorbed it all. shift the radiation out of my body

and into one spot - out, out out, ow, ah, itches,

itches, itches, itches! You're right.

I look daft with one shoe. Where's it from, the Planet Zovirax?

Just a Slab. Basic slave drones, you see.

Solid leather all the way through. But it was that woman,

Miss Finnegan. It was working for her,

just like a servant. She had this straw,

like some sort of vampire. I love my sonic screwdriver!

Doctor! Funny time to take a snack.

You'd think she'd be hiding. She wasn't drinking blood,

she was assimilating it. We've got to find her

and show the Judoon. Come on! That's the thing about Slabs -

they always travel in pairs. Well, haven't you got backup? You

must have a partner or something. I like that - "Humans"(!) I'm

still not convinced you're an alien. Oh, my God, you really are!

And again. The Judoon are logical

and just a little bit thick. They won't check a floor they've

checked already. If we're lucky. We're gonna run out.

How you feeling? You all right? Welcome to my world.

What about the Judoon? Big lung reserves. Won't slow them

down. Where's Mr Stoker's office? Every last drop.

I was right, she's a Plasmavore. What's she doing now?

She's still not safe. The Judoon could execute us all.

Come on. Wait a minute. Stay here.

You've got to hold them up. How do I do that?

Just... Forgive me. It could save a thousand lives.

It means nothing. Honestly. There are these things,

these great big space rhino things. I mean, rhinos from space?!

And we're on the moon! Great big space rhinos

with guns on the moon! I'd recommend this place to anyone,

but then we end up on the moon! Now listen.

I know who you're looking for. She's this woman.

She calls herself Florence. Human. Wait!

Non-human trace suspected! Um, that big, erm, machine thing - is

it supposed to be making that noise? Like a ginormous sort of a magnet?

I did Magnetics GCSE. A magnet with its setting

now increased to 50,000 tesla. It'll send out a magnetic pulse

that'll fry the brain stems of every living thing

within 250,000 miles. But hold on, hold on. I did

Geography GCSE. I passed that one. Doesn't that distance include the

Earth? Only the side facing the moon. The other half will survive.

Call it my gift. Sorry,

I'm a little bit out of my depth. With everyone dead, the Judoon ships

will be mine to make my escape. That's weird. You talk like

you're some sort of an alien. Has it got an ET department?

It's a perfect hiding place. Blood banks downstairs

for a midnight feast. Maybe that's why they're increasing

their scans. What? What does that mean?

I must appear to be human. You're welcome to come home and meet

the wife, she'd be honoured. We can have cake!

Why should I have cake? That's nice.

Milkshake? I like banana. And yet, I think,

laughing on purpose. I think it's time

you found some peace. Steady him! But if it's any consolation,

the dead don't tend to remember. Traces of facial contact

with non-human. Now see what you've done!

This poor man just died of fright. No, he can't be.

Let me through, let me see him. She killed him, she did it,

she murdered him. Judoon have no authority

over human crime. But she's not human!

Oh, but I am, I've been catalogued. You drank his blood?

The Doctor's blood! Oh, I don't mind, scan all you like.

Non-human! I'm human,

I'm as human as they come. Those pink cheeks and those blonde

curls, and that simpering voice, she was begging for the bite

of a Plasmavore! Then you confess?

Confess? I'm proud of it! Verdict: guilty.

Sentence: execution! Enjoy your victory, Judoon.

Cos you're going to burn with me! The scanner shouldn't do that,

she's done something. Scans detect lethal acceleration

of mono-magnetic pulse. You can't just leave it!

What's it gonna do? What about the air?

We're running out of air. You can't go! That thing's gonna

explode, and it's your fault! One, two, three, four, five...

One, two, three, four, five... It's raining, Martha.

It's raining on the moon. I told them, "You can't do that,"

I said... Martha! Oh, my God, I thought you were dead,

what happened? The police didn't have a clue, and

I tried phoning. Mum's on her way. But they've closed off

all the roads. There's thousands of people

trying to get in. Dad phoned. It's on the news

and everything, he was crying. Oh, my God, I've been a mess,

but what happened? I mean, what really happened,

where were you? 'Eyewitness reports from the Royal

Hope Hospital are pouring in, 'and all seem to be

remarkably consistent. 'This from medical student

Oliver Morgenstern. 'I was there, I saw it happen

and I feel uniquely privileged. 'I looked out at the surface

of the moon. 'and it all just proves

Mr Saxon right. 'There's life out there.

Wild and extraordinary life.' I am not staying in there

to be insulted! She didn't mean it,

she just said you look healthy. Oh, can't think why,

after you stole my husband! And then she has a go at Martha,

accused her of making it all up. As if. They were drugged,

it said so on the news! Since when did you watch the news?

You can't handle Quizmania! Annalise started it,

she did, I heard her. Tish, don't make it worse.

Leo, what did she buy you? Soap! A 75 pence soap! I'm never

talking to your family again. Annalise, don't you dare!

I'm putting my foot down! God knows, you've been doing it

for the last 25 years, why stop now? Oh, Mum, don't! I asked the DJ

and he's playing that song later, You never even told me who you are.

The Doctor. But what sort of species? It's not

every day I get to ask that. I just thought,

since you saved my life, and I've got a brand new sonic

screwdriver which needs road-testing, I can travel in time as well.

Get out of here. I can! Come on, that is going too far.

I'll prove it. that was this morning, but...

Did you? Crossing into established events

is strictly forbidden. But there's not much room,

we'd be a bit intimate. It's like a box with that room

just crammed in! It's bigger on the inside!

Is it? I hadn't noticed. Like, a navigator and stuff,

where is everyone? I mean, friends,

travelling with me. I had... There was recently

a friend of mine. Where is she now? With her family.

Happy! She's fine. To say thanks, you get one trip, then

back home. I'd rather be on my own. Now, don't. And then travel

all the way across the universe For the record,

I'm not remotely interested. Blimey, it's a bit bumpy!

Welcome aboard, Miss Jones. The Globe Theatre

containing the man himself. No autographs. Loves Labours Won

will never be played.