The Husbands of River Song Doctor Who

# Hark! The Herald Angels sing

# "Glory to the newborn king!"

# Peace on earth and mercy mild

# God and sinners reconciled

# Joyful, all ye nations, rise

# Join the triumph of the skies... #

HE MUTTERS TO HIMSELF

Nothing there.

Oh!

This must be it.

HE KNOCKS

Is there anything on my head?

-Er, well, yes.

-Describe it.

Well, you've sort of got antlers.

-Antlers?

-Yes, antlers.

-Antlers!

-Hm.

ANTLERS JINGLE

You are a time-space machine!

You're a vehicle!

I've never asked you to cheer me up with hologrammatic antlers!

Thank you.

-Can I help you?

-Yes, are you the surgeon?

-Close enough, why?

-Well, you know.

-I don't know.

-There's a medical emergency.

Will there be singing?

-No.

-Fine, then.

-We weren't sure where you'd come down.

-Sorry?

-In your capsule.

I'm never sure. I don't like being sure about things.

One minute you're sure, the next everybody turns into lizards

-and a piano falls on you.

-A piano?

It's been a long day.

Are you expecting a surgeon?

So what's the medical emergency?

Didn't you read the agreement?

There it is.

-What?

-There, that's it.

That's what?

Oh, the flying saucer.

Is that new?

Come on.

Well, you took your time.

Sorry, ma'am. This is him.

-This is the surgeon.

-Hello.

You don't look much like your pictures.

That's an ongoing problem for me.

Doesn't look very impressive, does he?

Nardole, what HAVE you brought to my doorstep?

-I've had a haircut, this is my best suit.

-It's not even a suit.

-Do I know you?

-You most certainly do not.

And now that you've met me, you'll do your very best to forget me.

River!

Oi! Dr Song to you.

Sometimes Professor, but mainly Doctor.

Don't use my name. Ever.

-How do you know me?

-Well, it's a tiny bit complicated.

-People usually need a flowchart.

-It doesn't matter.

If either of you use my name again,

I will remove your organs in alphabetical order.

-Any questions?

-Which alphabet?

-Sorry, you really didn't want these questions, did you?

-This way.

We don't have a lot of time.

-What seems to be the problem?

-My husband.

Your husband?

Didn't you read my message? My husband, yes.

My husband is dying.

Something wrong?

I think I'm going to need a bigger flowchart.

ECCLESIASTICAL SINGING

Husband, I return to you.

Where is my queen?

Never far from you, my love.

Aahhh.

No, wait.

-That's your husband?

-Listen, you are being watched

by four billion people.

You are surrounded by warrior monks with sentient laser swords,

genetically engineered anger problems and not enough to do.

Best just stay still and keep your hands by your side.

No, wait...

-THAT's your husband?

-My husband, your patient.

King Hydroflax.

Yes, that's who you're married to, not anybody else?

My love, attend me, woman!

I fly to you.

Is there a problem?

-Right, so you don't recognise me, then?

-Why would I recognise you?

Oh, no reason.

I don't like him. Do you like him?

Don't cross your arms.

He's a lying-down person.

I don't like lying-down people. It's so untidy.

-Keep your arms by your side, like she said.

-My one true love!

The only husband I will ever have.

My time with you has been too short.

You have given me days of adventure

and many nights of passion.

-Oh-oh!

-Why d'you keep crossing them?

-Because they cross, I've got cross arms.

-The end is near. I feel it.

Forgive me, my lord. I have acted against your instructions.

-My love?

-If you die this day, this galaxy will drown any tears.

Look at them - your people!

They watch and hope and pray.

With so much at stake, I followed my heart. I disobeyed your orders...

and sent for the finest surgeon in the galaxy!

CHEERING

HE CHUCKLES

This might be an alarming question in the circumstance,

but...you really do think I'm a surgeon, don't you?

Oh...

OK, calm down, keep it together.

Don't make puddles.

Surgeon. Attend your patient.

Oh!

Any tiny hint of species he might be?

HE WHIMPERS OK, never mind, you just stay there.

You're probably going to need a mop.

-Bow.

-Sorry, what?

You are in the presence of his Infinite Majesty, King Hydroflax.

-You will bow.

-Oh, no, I'm sorry, Your Majesty, I can't do that.

-You what?

-It's my back.

-Your back?

-Yeah, my back's playing up.

It simply refuses to carry the weight

of an entirely pointless stratum of society

who contribute nothing of worth to the world

and crush the hopes and dreams of working people.

Can you save me, Surgeon?

Well, that depends upon what's wrong with you.

-There's something in his brain.

-You could have fooled me.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, just gallows humour. Probably the wrong word.

-Yeah, I would say it is.

-My love, you must rest.

The surgeon and I will discuss the procedure.

Prepare, master of my life, to live anew.

KISSING

Patience be with you all.

Our King will rise again!

-ALL:

-Our King will rise again.

Our King will rise again!

Hydroflax! Hydroflax!

All right, enough of this. The joke's over.

-What joke?

-Look at me.

Why?

I'm the Doctor.

You'd better be, you've got an operation to perform.

Here's the entry wound, just below the hairline. And...

..there's the projectile.

It should have killed him straight off, but he's very strong.

-That's not a bullet.

-It's a diamond.

-How did it get in there?

-At speed.

Do you recognise it?

-No!

-Yes.

-The Halassi Androvar.

-The very same.

Hydroflax was leading the raid on the Halassi vaults.

In the ensuing firefight, the whole thing blew up in his face,

with the result that he now has the most valuable diamond

in the universe lodged three inches inside his enormous head.

So...

..can you remove it?

It's very small, it might be difficult to manoeuvre it.

Not the diamond.

His head!

-His head?

-Yes.

I think it would be easier just to remove the whole thing, don't you?

-Wouldn't that kill him?

-You're the medical expert, but I'd say so, yes.

-Your husband?

-Sort of.

-Sort of?

I basically married the diamond.

-The Halassi want their diamond back, so they came to me.

-Why?

-I'm an archaeologist.

-Slash murderer slash thief.

An archaeologist IS just a thief.

With patience. Never had much of that.

It'll fit in here, don't you think? I've checked it for leaks.

-Is this what you're like when I'm not...?

-Not what?

You're talking about murdering someone.

No, I'm not. I'm actually murdering someone.

Cheer up, get a saw, I'll kill the lights, you kill the patient.

I employed you! You agreed to this.

Do you not know who that man is?

King Hydroflax, the butcher of the Bone Meadows,

who ends his battles by eating his enemies, dead or alive.

The murder of a creature like that

wouldn't weigh heavily on my conscience, even if I had one.

What's that face?

Are you...thinking?

-Stop it, you're a man, it looks weird.

-I need more information.

-For what?

-For my diagnosis.

He's dying. We're about to steal his head

and scoop out his brains. Aren't we overthinking?

I'll be the judge of that.

I'm the Doctor.

You know who you remind me of?

Yes, probably a chap with a big...

My second wife.

Darling!

You're up and about!

-False wife!

-How much better you're looking!

You plan to take my head.

Never crossed my mind. Is this your bag?

Perhaps you should have just asked.

Well! I wondered why we didn't share a bathroom.

You married a cyborg and you didn't even know it.

I'll have you flogged and flayed and burnt.

I will crush every last remnant of you from this universe.

How dare you! I'm your wife.

-You planned to murder me!

-Don't change the subject.

Why are you doing this? Who ARE you?

I'm Professor River Song.

You have an ancient artefact of great value to good people,

and whatever it takes, I'm going to bring it home to them.

You have stolen so much from so many, King Hydroflax,

and I'm the woman who's going to steal it all back.

What are you?!

I'm an archaeologist.

Look! I've got a trowel.

TROWEL WHIRS

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Do not harm her!

If you know what's good for you, do not lay a finger on that woman.

Ignore him. Attack!

-Garbage disposal, right? Get ready to say, "Whee!"

-Put me down.

Back off from River Song. Give the order now.

Get yourself under control.

Do not attack the female.

Nobody move, or the head gets it!

-Do you really have a shooty trowel?

-It's sonic.

Sonic trowel, you realise how ridiculous that sounds?

-Their threats are empty! Destroy them!

-Negative.

-78 percent of significant tissue damage.

-Do as you're told!

Decision overruled. Recommendation - chill.

Look at that, your body's got a mind of its own.

More like an onboard computer for the cybernetic component.

Plus in-built flash drive and vernacular friendly interface.

-Cyber co-pilot.

-Mobile life support.

-Sexy.

-It's not sexy.

-Absolutely sexy.

-Why is everything sexy now?

Speaking of which... Ramone, prep for emergency extraction, two to go.

-'Standing by for teleport.'

-Put it in the bag.

-Sorry?

-The head. Put it in the bag.

-Do not put me in the bag.

Quickly, do it. Ramone, 20 seconds to jump.

I will not be placed into a bag!

Stop shouting a minute if you want to go face-up.

You will be crushed! You will be destroyed!

-You will beg my infinite mercy!

-Oh, zip it!

Try to follow me and I'll put him in a blender.

Ramone, now.

They will be tracked. They will be found.

Agh! Ohh!

Ramone! Just once, can you get the height right?

'Sorry, Professor.'

-MUFFLED:

-When I escape, I will bring terror to you and your family.

There is no escape from the...

'I'm on it. The capsule is really close.'

-THE DOCTOR LAUGHS

-Is something funny?

Who dares laugh at Hydroflax?

You shall be crushed! You shall scream in fear!

-Let me out of this bag!

-This is a serious mission in a critical phase.

There is nothing to laugh about here.

We're being threatened by a bag! By a head in a bag!

I shall make dust of you. My enemies are meat for the devouring!

I can't approve of any of this, but I haven't laughed in a long time.

-Good for you.

-Prepare to die in agony and submit to my supremacy!

-SHOUTS:

-Unzip this bag!

-You know, don't you?

-Know what?

Stop pretending. You know who I am.

-Who are you?

-You know who I am, it's...it's...it's me.

-Great.

Who ARE you?

Professor Song!

Sorry, Professor, sorry about the height thing.

Prove it.

Ugh!

Doesn't it get dull after a while?

As an activity, it's not hugely varied, is it?

I'm so sorry.

This is my husband, Ramone.

Another one?

-Are you going to kill him, too?

-We're not actually married.

-We are, in fact. I wiped it from your memory.

-Why?

You were being annoying. So, the Damsel, do we have a fix?

Found the capsule just over in the village, but I can't locate Damsel.

-I've looked everywhere.

-Who's Damsel?

-Have you been thorough?

It's not easy - he does have 12 faces.

None of these men are here. Are you sure it's one of these?

Yes! He only has these 12 faces. He'll be around here somewhere.

This is the closest intersection with the Doctor's timeline.

That's why I crashed Hydroflax's ship here.

-Damsel.

-Codename - "Damsel in Distress".

Apparently, he needs a lot of rescuing.

What if he has a face that you don't know about yet?

He has limits.

Well, then, let's go find him.

-You are in league with the former Queen.

-She employed me!

-I didn't really know anything.

-You have information.

Oh, hardly anything, really. A tiny bit.

You will give this information to us.

-Oh, absolutely! Course I will.

-We will take the information.

Anything you like.

-I'll even write it down for you.

-That will not be necessary.

You will be uploaded. We apologise for the inconvenience.

Uploaded? How?

Recommendation...

..hold still.

Ooh-ooh!

No, this is no good. I don't like this.

-Your cooperation is appreciated.

-I never agreed!

No, this is unfair.

Pursuit now commences.

This is too tall!

I'm afraid of heights.

Recommendation - close your eyes.

HE WHIMPERS

Aaargh!

What if we can't find him? We need to get you off-world now.

"Off-world"? People never say that. Are you new?

We can't hang around waiting, he could be ages.

Yes, he's probably off rebuilding a civilisation

or defeating giant robot fish...

-We'll just have to steal it.

-..from the ninth dimension. Sorry, what?

The hopper is really close,

-we'd be out of here in less than ten minutes.

-I need time travel.

-I need this TARDIS!

-I'm sorry, the word "steal",

-somebody said "steal".

-Yes.

We're going to steal this box. Hush, you wouldn't understand.

You can't.

-Why can't I?

-You can't just steal a TA...a box.

-Why not?

-Look, it says "Police".

-I have a key.

OK, this Damsel person, he sounds... he sounds pretty dangerous...

ish.

It's a...time...machine.

I can take it, do whatever I want for as long as I like

and pop it back a second later, he'll never know it was gone.

-Yes, he will.

-How?

-He'll just know.

-Well, he's never noticed before.

Maybe...he'll notice now.

SHE LAUGHS

I'll see you on Temple Beach.

I've already picked out your swimwear.

-OK, but be careful.

-Absolutely not.

You, with me. Bring the head.

Please, look after her for me.

Oh, before you come in, you'd better prepare yourself for a shock.

It's not as...snug as it looks.

Finally.

Finally?

It's my go.

Oh...my...God!

It's bigger!

-Well, yes.

-On the inside!

-We need to concentrate.

-Than it is!

I know where you're going with this, but I need you to calm down.

-On the outside!

-You've certainly grasped the essentials.

My entire understanding of physical space has been transformed!

Three-dimensional Euclidean geometry has been torn up,

thrown in the air and snogged to death!

My grasp of the universal constants of physical reality

has been changed...

..forever.

Sorry.

I've always wanted to see that done properly.

Would you like a drink? Aldebaran brandy.

Help yourself, but don't tell Dad.

-BEEPING

-What's that noise?

It seems to have powered down, conserving batteries.

It's an in-built life-support system.

-I'm not sure what powers it, but...

-I really don't care.

-What's that noise?

-I don't know. A signal? Distress call?

-Homing beacon.

-Possibly.

-So the rest of him is coming?

-He must be very cross - he's lost his head.

-Time we were off then.

VWORP

JUDDERING

-You're doing it wrong.

-I am certainly not.

Not those levers.

Hush.

-You probably want to press that button.

-Why?!

That evacuates the waste tank on deck seven.

-Does it?

-What is wrong with you?

Better avoid deck seven then.

Something's interfering with the engines,

which is technically not possible.

-Maybe.

-How would you know?

Maybe the engines are interfering with themselves.

Wild theory, but what if this machine had certain safeguards.

For instance, maybe it can't take off when a life form registers

as being both inside and outside at the same time?

Head and body.

Which would mean - and again, I'm just wildly theorising here -

that's the door would not engage properly.

Of course. It can't seal the real-time envelope.

Hence it can't take off.

Not when someone is in and out at the same time.

-I mean, that just wouldn't be good manners, would it?

-You're very quick.

Yes.

For a Doctor.

Yes.

Seriously?

Hello?

Hello, is that you?

-Nardole, is that you?

-It's me, yes.

-Please, you've got to help me.

-What's wrong? Where are you?

In the alleyway. Can't you see me? Come a bit closer.

-What are you doing there?

-Help me.

Are you injured?

Well, er...yes.

Sorry. So sorry. It made me!

-Nardole, why are you pointing a gun at your own head?

-It's not my head!

-Well, it is my head, but it's not my gun.

-What happened to you?

-Please.

Just do as it says.

THE DOCTOR: It's signalling.

-We have to assume the body is homing in on this.

-So, how do we stop it?

Well, we could chop his head off.

-Oh, look...

-Does sarcasm help?

-Wouldn't it be a great universe if it did?

-So, summing up,

it's coming, we can't take off,

-we can't seal the doors.

-Yep.

So...we just kill the head, right?

-You can't shoot the head in the face!

-Why not?

Aaarrgh!

Go on, then, tell him to put his hands up.

-Do not fire if you value your lives.

-Why, what are you going to do?

Kill me, and my body will burn.

-Burn what?

-This world!

Inquiry - are you acquainted with the criminal River Song?

That wasn't me, that was him!

Repeat, are you acquainted with the criminal River Song?

Please, just answer it.

Yes.

You will take River Song a message.

What message?

-RIVER:

-Suppose we believe you - how?

My body contains a split quantum actualiser.

A perpetually stabilised black hole - that's your power source.

What sort of medical school did you go to?

-A really good one for doctors.

-More than a power source.

-If necessary, a bomb.

-So you could wipe out this solar system.

-It wouldn't be the first.

-It would be your last.

-A fitting end for the glory of Hydroflax.

-So, why haven't you threatened this before?

A king does not endanger his people for no reason.

-You're endangering them now.

-I'm cross.

-BANGING

-Dr Song, are you there?

-I have a message for you.

-Ramone! Get in here!

-Ahh!

-You're going to die!

-Kill her.

-No!

-Put her down.

Kill her now!

Death initiating.

I'm so sorry!

VWORP! VWORP!

I'm sorry!

Stop them! Stop them!

-Where are we going?

-Get the hell out!

-Stop them!

-Death initiating.

-You set the coordinates - where for?

-Just get the damn head!

Kill them! Destroy them!

-Kill them!

-Here.

With me.

-Where are we?

-This way, come on.

-What about the box?

Stop holding my hand, people don't do that to me.

-Hush.

-Don't hush me.

I'm not a hushing person.

BURBLING

-TANNOY:

-'We are currently cruising at warp factor 12.'

'Traversing the fourth galaxy of our seven-galaxy cruise.'

'Next is the Andromeda galaxy.'

'Supernova approaching now to starboard.'

Ah, Dr Song.

Your table is ready.

Flemming! How are the twins?

Still digesting their mother, thank you for asking.

-I'm sure it was a lovely ceremony.

-Oh, there were tears.

And just a hint of screaming.

THEY LAUGH

Er, Flemming, I wonder,

could you deadlock seal the baggage hold for me?

It's a little irregular. The other passengers might want access.

Do you remember that time I was transporting dragon eggs?

Consider it done.

BLEEPING, LOCKS ENGAGING

Is the gentleman here for dinner?

-Yes, he is.

-Excellent!

-I'll have the chef prepare him immediately.

-No, you won't.

He will in fact be joining me to eat.

I was about to suggest that force-feeding might be required.

This way. Oh, may I take your bag?

Oh, no, that's fine, Thanks.

MUFFLED RANTING

Sorry. It was my stomach.

MUFFLED SHOUTING I have an irritable bowel.

My revenge will be merciless!

-I will rip you open and devour you!

-It's having a day.

You cannot escape!

-This way.

-Your actions will not go unpunished!

Here.

-Ow!

-I don't suppose you mind if I freshen up.

-Not bad for 200, eh?

-200?

I have an augmented lifespan. Long story.

-So, what's the occasion?

-I've got the diamond, now it's time to sell it.

I thought you were returning it to the Halassi?

Tell me, were you born boring, or did you have to work at it?

Where did you find a buyer?

Look around you.

The starship Harmony And Redemption,

minimum ticket price one billion credits,

plus the provable murder of multiple innocent life forms.

Suites are reserved for planet-burners.

Thank you.

Even the staff are required to have a verifiable history

of indiscriminate slaughter.

This is where genocide comes to kick back and relax.

Do try the fish.

BANGING

Mr Flemming, there's an issue.

Why are you frowning?

How did you know?

It's audible.

Deadlock seals can be broken.

By geniuses.

Hydroflax has a brain the size of a pea

and it's currently under the table.

He's gone back to sleep, I think.

-You married him, though.

-I told you, I married the diamond.

-How?

-I posed as his nurse.

-Took me a week.

-To fall in love?

It's the easiest lie you can tell a man.

They'll automatically believe any story they're the hero of.

River, there's, er...

there's something I should probably tell you.

Dr Song, your guest has docked,

he should be with you in a very few minutes.

-Thank you. Whenever he's ready.

-Of course.

What's the book?

Oh, it's my diary.

One should always have something sensational to read on a spaceship.

Is it sad?

-Why would a diary be sad?

-I don't know, it's just that...

you look sad.

It's nearly full.

So?

The man who gave me this was the sort of man who'd know

exactly how long a diary you were going to need.

He sounds awful.

I suppose he is. I've never really thought about it.

Not somebody special then?

No.

But terribly useful every now and then.

Please! I just need you to get me out of here.

He's in the main hold, sir, but you've deadlocked it.

If you don't mind be observing, sir, you do seem a little nervous.

Is someone threatening you?

I'm the only one here.

-Confirmed, sir, there's only one reading in the hold.

-I'm on my way.

-Be careful, sir.

-Don't worry, I'll just stick my head round the door.

-So who is this buyer?

-No idea, he just responded to the advert.

-Which of you is Song?

-Who wants to know?

I am Scratch.

Don't need your name. Are you empowered to purchase?

I represent the Shoal of the Winter Harmony.

Don't care, don't want to know. I'll need immediate payment.

-Can you do that?

-And could you either sit down

or fetch us the wine list or something?

-You have the diamond?

-Of course I have the diamond.

Show me the money.

SQUELCHING

Just a thought, you probably shouldn't do that in a restaurant.

Once instructed, this will transfer the necessary funds

-to whatever account you choose.

-Thank you.

The diamond.

You're going to have to dig for it a bit,

but somehow I don't think that's going to be a problem for you.

-Is this a deception?

-No. The diamond is in there.

This is a public place, there won't be any tricks.

This is not a public place.

-Block booking, that's clever.

-You needn't have bothered.

I've brought what you want.

Please do assume that I have also taken precautions,

and don't do anything that might make me cross and kill you.

Statement accepted.

The diamond is here?

HISSING

The payment, then.

100 billion credits. As we agreed.

-This accesses all the banks in the galaxy.

-Thank you.

Here you go, then.

You may need to use a spoon or knitting needle or something.

-Be it known, we do not do this for ourselves.

-I really don't care.

We do it in honour of our distant and loving King,

who once visited our world in blood and joy.

Well, isn't that lovely?

We honour thee, we prostrate ourselves in your name...

Hydroflax.

-ALL CHANTING:

-Hydroflax!

For love of thee, we do this thing today. Hydroflax.

Hydroflax!

Hydroflax! Hydroflax!

Hydroflax!

Give it. Give us the treasure.

Hydroflax! Hydroflax! Hydroflax!

What is wrong?

Er...well, er...

awkward.

-I beg of you, not my head!

-Information is required.

You know of River Song, wife of Hydroflax?

I do. I know River Song of old.

And if you spare me, I'll tell you who she's really married to.

-Explain.

-You need a head.

I can get you a head... fit for a king.

Why do you delay? We have paid, we will receive.

Yes, you will.

Of...by jingo, you will, yes, of course.

-But obviously, we have to, you know, er, check some...

-Things.

Things. There are things that have to be checked before I get it to you.

If we don't check the thing, then...

We will receive!

Yes, you will receive, and here it is.

Now, on its way.

-This small distance.

-We will receive!

Here you go.

And you can have the bag as well.

You know, it's been...lovely.

But we don't want to intrude on this special moment,

so why don't we just leave you with the new baby...?

You will remain.

Is that strictly necessary?

I do not like...surprises.

Well, it's going to be a funny old day.

Oh, boy.

You know what? I just can't stand idly by and let this continue.

Death has been done this day!

Noble blood has been spilled.

And our tears will surely follow.

The sky shall crack,

the ground shall heave,

and even the rocks and the stones

shall weep their rage.

Behold!

The head of Hydroflax!

Rest now, sweet prince.

Walk amongst us nevermore.

Shall we start the bidding at 200 billion?

I'm sorry, Professor Song,

but we really couldn't keep this treasure from the truly devout.

My apologies to the truly devout.

-Shall we find out who is the most truly devout?

-This is heresy!

-200 over there.

-250 million by the sweet trolley.

Silence! This is not our way.

It doesn't say much for your king if you can't put a price on his head.

Let us see what the king himself has to say.

Aaargh!

Quick!

Professor Song! Has the food disappointed you?

THUDDING

PANICKED SCREAMS

At last, I am whole again.

Come to me, my body.

Well? Put me back.

Scan in progress.

You don't need to scan me, just put me back.

Tissue deterioration now irreversible.

What are you going to do about that?

Additional, the projectile inside your brain continues to move.

Prognosis - death in seven minutes.

Well, I refuse.

King Hydroflax does not accept death.

Orders requested.

Whatever I need to survive, do it. Now.

-Orders accepted. You need a new head.

-No!

No. Not a new head!

Orders implementing.

No. No...!

I don't suppose you could fetch that over for me, could you?

As I was saying, Your Majesty.

Well, your remaining Majesty.

If it's a new head you're after, this is the guide to the very best.

-Don't touch that. Give that back to me.

-The diary of River Song.

The ultimate guide to the Time Lord known as the Doctor.

Don't you dare touch that!

Long live the King.

"The Pandorica Opens."

Ooh, that sounds exciting.

And goodness me, a picnic at Asgard.

Some people really know how to snack, don't they?

You should know, I have a significant history of escaping.

"The Crash of the Byzantium." Didn't they make a movie of that?

And when I do, I'm going to kill you.

Oh, Jim the Fish! Well, we all know Jim the Fish.

And the longer you spend reading my diary,

the longer I'm going to take.

And you've just been to Manhattan.

What planet is that?

So do, please, keep going.

This is irrelevant.

If I may intrude, Your Majesty.

The Doctor is a legendary being of remarkable power

and an infinite number of faces.

His head, I assure you, would be your crowning achievement.

-TAPPING

-Besides which, many of us on this ship would be

happy to see his career cut off, as it were, at the neck.

Proceed faster, or YOUR head will be taken!

I would give my head with gladness.

This woman is the known consort of the Doctor.

Confirmation required. Uploading.

Ooh. Ooh!

Is River Song the consort of the Time Lord known as the Doctor?

Huh?

I think so, yeah.

Here, can I stay up for a bit? It's really very whiffy down there.

Aww!

Oh, it's awful!

So, where is the Doctor now?

I haven't the faintest idea.

-Is that credible?

-It's true.

-You're the woman he loves.

-No, I'm not.

-She's lying.

The Doctor does not and has never loved me. I'm not lying.

-Confirmed. The life form is not lying.

-Impossible. This is a trick.

-No, it isn't.

-My information is correct.

You are the woman who loves the Doctor.

Yes, I am. I've never denied it.

But whoever said he loved me back?

He's the Doctor, he doesn't go around falling in love with people.

And if you think he's anything that small or that ordinary,

then you haven't the first idea of what you're dealing with.

Your Majesty, I assure you, she is the perfect bait.

When this woman is in danger, the Doctor will always come.

Oh, you are a moron. No, he won't.

-He's probably already here.

-No, he isn't, of course he isn't!

-Possibly on this ship.

-Well, go on, scan it then.

Go on, why don't you?

-River...

-Two hearts, stupid clothes, you can't miss him.

-River!

-Go on, scan the whole parsec! He's not here.

God knows where he is right now, but I promise you, he's doing

whatever the hell he wants and not giving a damn about me!

And I'm just fine with that.

-River...

-When you love the Doctor,

it's like loving the stars themselves.

You don't expect a sunset to admire you back.

And if I happen to find myself in danger, let me tell you,

the Doctor is not stupid enough, or sentimental enough,

and he is certainly not in love enough

to find himself standing in it with me!

Hello, sweetie.

-You are so doing those roots.

-What, the roots of the sunset?

-Don't you dare!

-I'll have to check with the stars themselves.

Shut up! I was just keeping them talking till it kicks off.

-What is this conversation? Explain.

-You keep out of this.

-We need to get to work.

-OK, what have you got?

Four exits, two concealed, one in the ceiling.

-There's also one in the floor.

-No, I don't like it.

-Too close to the engine ducts?

-A bit too tight.

I hope you're not being personal.

Excuse me, what are you talking about?

Hush, Mummy and Daddy are busy.

-BELL RINGS

-There we are.

-Two o'clock, here we go.

-Cease this conversation.

Darling, in the event of a sudden meteor strike on the lower

starboard decks, where would you say is the safest place to stand?

-Meteor strikes?

-Exactly here, I should think.

-D'you know what that isn't? A coincidence.

-Your escape plan.

-It's cheaper than a taxi.

-What meteor strike?

-TANNOY:

-'Alert. Meteor storm imminent.'

-That meteor strike.

-How could you know?

I'm an archaeologist from the future.

I dug you up.

See you in 400 years.

SCREAMING

I had this book. History's Finest Exploding Restaurants.

The best food for free. Skip the coffee.

-What do you think, by the way?

-Of what?

-My new body.

I'll let you know. I've only seen the face.

How have you got a new one, by the way? Aren't there rules?

-A thing happened.

-I bet it probably did.

'Starboard decks compromised. Please abandon ship.'

The diamond?

-Good, aren't I?

-I'm not sure good's the word.

-Better not be.

-We need to get this ship stabilised. Where's the bridge?

-This way.

'Please abandon ship.'

'Please abandon ship.'

-We also need to stop that.

-Toss for it.

-I'll take the robot, you drive.

-OK.

-Oh, don't stop for strangers.

-Look who's talking.

-What's the point? It's over.

-I will take your head.

What for? We're on a crashing spaceship and I don't even know

if I can save it. You just shot your own king in your own face.

-You'd get beheaded if you had one.

-I will take yours.

King Hydroflax will live again.

Do you know what you need?

Do you know what any decent headless king needs? Money.

This connects every bank to every other bank in this galaxy.

Right here in my hand. All the money you can eat.

Demonstrate.

With pleasure.

Welcome to all the best firewalls in the galaxy.

Nothing is protected like money.

Every stock market within a light year is arguing in your head.

I do not understand.

Ha-ha! That's the way it is for most people.

Do not understand. Do not understand.

-He had a bad day on the market.

-Do not understand.

Do not understand.

Sorry, I appreciate that wasn't very funny, but I couldn't help saying it.

Do not understand. Do not under...

-TANNOY:

-'Surface impact in two minutes.'

Where's everyone else?

-They ran for it. So should we.

-We need to get the nav com back online.

-And re-route the thrusters.

-I'm trying.

-So, King Hydroflax?

-Oh, how many times? I married the diamond.

-So you say.

-Elizabeth I.

-Ramone.

-Marilyn Monroe.

-Stephen Fry.

-Cleopatra!

-Same thing.

Hang on a minute.

-I recognise that planet.

-Well, that's nice!

Maybe they'll name the crater after us(!)

That's Darillium!

Always good to know where we're going.

-Could you concentrate on your work, please?

-You know...

the Singing Towers.

Yes, I'll be sure to give them a wave as we zoom past.

You always say you're going to take me there for dinner

and then you always cancel at the last minute.

-I'd quite like to cancel this time too, if at all possible.

-Argh!

THEY GROAN

SONIC SCREWDRIVER WHIRS

What are you doing? That's the internal teleport.

Yes. HE COUGHS

-I can use the power cell to push the thrusters.

-Really? How?

Hold this, quickly.

Well, I don't see what good this will do.

Sorry, River.

-Crashing spaceships, that's my job.

-You...

No, you don't!

VWORP!

More power! You can do it, you can do it.

VWORP!

No, River, no, no, no, no!

-Get back in the TARDIS! This is my job!

-This is MY job!

-I've been doing it longer.

-I do it better.

River, not one person on this ship, not one living thing,

-is worth you.

-Or you.

-COMPUTER:

-'Surface impact in ten, nine, eight...'

-Teensy bit close.

-Yeah, sort of.

-Darling, shall we pop back indoors?

-Yeah, good idea.

'..four, three, two, one.'

THEY GASP

Indestructible as ever.

Married the diamond(!)

BEEPING

CLANK!

METALLIC THRUMMING

CLANK!

THRUMMING STOPS

Hello? Sir...

-..the ship, it came down, did you see it?

-Yes, I did.

I've been searching for survivors.

I doubt if you'd find any. And I don't think any of them

would be worth it, if that's a comfort.

Brave of you to try, though. Well done.

Thank you, sir.

Those are the Singing Towers, aren't they?

Yes, sir, but it's just the wind.

The Singing Towers of Darillium.

-Here we are at last.

-Sir?

You know what?

They should build a restaurant right here, with a view of those towers.

You could make a lot of money that way. You should do that.

HE CHUCKLES

You'd need a lot of money to begin with, sir.

The Halassi Androvar...

I think you'll find that the reward is pretty substantial.

-Why would you give me this, sir?

-(Restaurant!)

CLANK!

VWORP! VWORP!

Excuse me, um, I'd like a table on the balcony

-with a view of the towers.

-I'm sorry, sir,

the first available slot I have is Christmas Day in four years' time.

Not a problem.

COMPUTER BEEPS

CUTLERY CLINKS

-Professor Song! The Doctor is waiting for you on the balcony.

-Oh.

-Excellent.

-This way, ma'am.

-Do we have a good table?

-The finest in all the galaxy, ma'am.

Ah.

Er, one moment.

WHIRRING

-Ramone?

-Professor Song. The Doctor will be with you in a moment.

-What are you doing here?

-They pulled us from the wreckage, ma'am.

Fixed us up. I've been working here ever since.

Don't worry.

The nasty part's all gone - got deleted in the merger.

-What about Nardole?

-Oh, merry Christmas, ma'am.

Yeah, good to see you again.

-Merry Christmas, Nardole!

-Sorry I'm off duty.

I'm just having some me time.

-I imagine that must be quite a challenge.

-Yes, ma'am.

HE CHUCKLES

So, Ramone...

..you have a metal body now.

Down, girl!

-Now, that, my dear, IS a suit.

-Happy Christmas.

Really?

I don't think you've ever given me a present before.

SHE GASPS

It's a sonic screwdriver! How lovely!

When I saw the sonic trowel,

I thought it was just embarrassing, but, look.

SCREWDRIVER WHIRS

Oh, thank you.

You look, er, amazing.

Doctor, you have no idea whether I look amazing or not.

-Well, you've moved your hair about, haven't you?

-Well done.

-It's very sweet of you to try.

-So what do you think?

HAUNTING MUSIC PLAYS

The Singing Towers.

GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS

The music.

Listen to it.

Are you crying?

No.

Just the wind.

Nothing's ever just the wind.

No?

It blows through the cave system

and harmonises with the crystal layer.

Why are you sad?

Why are YOU sad?

I told you, my diary's nearly full.

I worry.

Please don't.

-There are stories about us, you know.

-Oh, I dread to think.

-I look them up sometimes.

-You really shouldn't do that.

Some of them suggest that...

..the very last night we spend together

is at the Singing Towers of Darillium.

That wouldn't be true, would it?

Spoilers.

SHE GASPS

Well, that would explain why you kept cancelling coming here.

-Do you remember that time...

-River, stop.

-..when there were two of you...

-Don't.

-..because I want you to know that if this is the last night,

I expect you to find a way round it.

Not everything can be avoided.

Not forever.

But you're you.

There's always a loophole, you wait until the last minute

-and then you spring it on me.

-Every night is the last night

-for something, every Christmas is the last Christmas...

-But you will.

You'll wait until I've given up hope, all will be lost,

and you'll do that smug little smile

and then you'll save the day - you always do.

No, I don't, not always.

Times end, River, because they have to.

Because there's no such thing as happy ever after.

It's just a lie we tell ourselves because the truth is so hard.

No, Doctor...

..you're wrong.

Happy ever after doesn't mean forever.

It just means time...

..a little time.

But that's not the sort of thing you could ever understand, is it?

Mmm.

-What do you think of the towers?

-I love them.

-Then why are you ignoring them?

-They're ignoring me.

But then...you can't expect a monolith to love you back.

No, you can't.

They've been there for millions of years,

through storms and floods and wars and...time.

Nobody really understands where the music comes from.

It's probably something to do with the precise positions,

the distance between both towers.

Even the locals aren't sure.

All anyone will ever tell you is

that when the wind stands fair and the night is perfect...

..when you least expect it...

..but always...

..when you need it the most...

HAUNTING MUSIC PLAYS

..there is a song.

MUSIC CONTINUES

So...

..assuming tonight is all we have left...

-I didn't say that.

-..how long...

..is a night on Darillium?

24 years.

SHE GASPS

I hate you.

No, you don't.