Partners in Crime Doctor Who

PHONE RINGS

Good morning, Adipose Industries.

SCREWDRIVER WHIRRS

Donna Noble, Health and Safety.

John Smith, Health and Safety.

Adipose Industries.

The 21st century way to lose weight.

No exercise, no diet, no pain.

Just lifelong freedom from fat, the Holy Grail of the modern age.

And here it is.

You just take one capsule.

One capsule, once a day, for three weeks.

And the fat, as they say...

'The fat just walks away.'

Excuse me, Miss Foster, if I could?

Penny Carter, Science Correspondent for the Observer.

There are a thousand diet pills, a thousand conmen stealing people's money.

How do we know the fat isn't going straight into your bank account?

Oh, Penny. If cynicism burnt up calories, we'd all be thin as rakes.

But if you want the science, I can oblige.

'Adipose Industries.

'The Adipose Capsule is composed of a synthesised mobilising lipase,

'bound to a large protein molecule.

'The mobilising lipase breaks up the triglycerides

'stored in the Adipose cells, which then...'

Health and Safety. Film department.

100% legal, 100% effective.

But can I just ask, how many people have taken the pills to date?

We've already got one million customers

within the Greater London area alone. But from next week,

we start rolling out nationwide.

The future starts here.

And Britain will be thin.

Good morning, I represent Adipose Industries.

Good morning, I represent Adipose Industries.

Good morning, I represent Adipose Industries.

Good morning, I represent Adipose Industries.

That's a three-week course of pills for the special price of £45.

-We deliver within three working days.

-(Health and Safety, don't mind me.)

The box comes with 21 days' worth of pills, a full information pack,

and our special free gift, an Adipose Industries pendant.

It's made of 18-carat gold, and it's yours for free.

No, we don't give away pens. Sorry.

No, I can't make an exception, no.

I'll need to keep this for testing.

And I just need a list of your customers. Could you print it off?

-I suppose so.

-Where's the printer?

-Just over there, by the plant.

-Which plant, that plant?

-Yeah, that's the one.

-Lovely.

-That's the printer there?

-By the plant, yeah.

Does it need a code? Last place I worked, the printer needed a code.

-No, I can do it from here.

-Has it got paper?

Yeah, Jimbo keeps it stocked.

Excuse me, everyone.

If I could have your attention.

On average, you're each selling 40 Adipose packs per day.

It's not enough. I want 100 sales per person, per day.

And if not, you'll be replaced.

Cos if anyone's good at trimming the fat, it's me.

Now... Back to it.

Anyway, If you could print that off, thanks.

So if you could print off that list, I'll get out of your way.

Lovely. Thanks, then. See you!

Thanks, then. Ooh, what's that?

-My telephone number.

-What for?

Health and Safety. You be health. I'll be safety.

Ah! But that contravenes paragraph 5, subsection C. Sorry.

Me again!

-Stacy Campbell?

-Who wants to know?

My name's Donna, I represent Adipose Industries, and you're on the list of our valued customers.

Mr Roger Davey! I'm calling on behalf of Adipose Industries, just need to ask you a few questions.

It's been fantastic. I started the pills on Thursday.

Five days later, I've lost 11 pounds.

And no side effects or anything?

No, I feel fantastic. It's a new lease of life.

-Now what do you think about these earrings, do they work?

-Yeah, lovely.

I've been on the pills two weeks now, I've lost 14 kilos.

The same amount every day?

One kilo exactly. You wake up, and it's disappeared overnight.

Well, technically speaking, it's gone by ten past one in the morning.

-What makes you say that?

-That's when I get woken up.

Might as well weigh myself at the same time!

Are you going on a date?

I'm doing the opposite, I'm dumping him!

I can do better than him now.

Right, I won't be long. If the taxi beeps, give me a shout.

It is driving me mad.

Ten minutes past one, every night, bang on the dot without fail,

the burglar alarm goes off.

I've had experts in, I've had it replaced, I've even phoned Watchdog.

-But no! Ten past one in the morning, off it goes.

-But with no burglars?

Nothing! I've given up looking.

Tell me, Roger. Have you got a cat flap?

It was here when I bought the house. I've never bothered with it. I'm not a cat person.

No, I've met cat people.

You're nothing like them.

Is that what it is? Cats getting inside the house?

Well, the thing about cat flaps is they don't just let things in,

they let things out as well.

Like what?

The fat just walks away.

-Won't be long!

-That's all right.

ALARM BEEPS

We have unscheduled parthenogenesis.

Well, thanks for your help. Tell you what, maybe you could lay off the pills for a week or so.

-BEEPING

-Gotta go, sorry!

Send out the Collection Squad.

Bring them home.

SIREN WAILS

BEEPING

-You all right up there?

-Yeah.

The Adipose has been witnessed.

'Activating full parthenogenesis.'

GRUNTING

What are you? What are you?

I like what you've done with the hall.

Stacy?

Are you all right?

I wouldn't mind a little visit myself.

Everything all right in there?

SHE EXCLAIMS

It's only me.

Do you mind if I pop to the loo?

Stacy?

Help me! Oh, my God, help me!

What is it? What's wrong?

Stacy! SHE SCREAMS

SIREN WAILS

BEEPING

COMMOTION FROM BOX

SIREN WAILS

HORN BLARES

BEEPING

-Stacy Campbell?

-No. She's gone.

-Gone where?

-She's just gone.

-Oh, great(!)

Thanks for nothing.

It seems we have a case of industrial espionage.

One touch and the capsule bio-tunes itself to its owner,

but someone must have introduced a second, raw capsule.

Therefore, one of these people is a thief.

There! Oh, yes.

There she is. Now...

What shall we do with her?

And what time's this?

How old am I?!

Not old enough to use a phone.

I thought you were only moving back for a couple of weeks. Look at you!

You're never gonna find a flat, not while you're on the dole.

It's no good sitting there dressed up looking like you're job-hunting,

you've got to do something.

It's not like the 1980s. No-one's unemployed these days, except you.

How long did that job with Health and Safety last?

Two days, and then you walk out.

"I have other plans." Well, I've not seen them.

And it's no good sitting there dreaming,

no-one's gonna come along with a magic wand and make your life all better.

Where's Grandad?

Where d'you think he is?

Up the hill! He's always up the hill!

Aye-aye. Here comes trouble.

Permission to board ship, sir.

Permission granted.

Was she nagging you?

A-ha! Big time.

-Brought you a Thermos.

-Oh, ta.

You seen anything?

Yeah, I've got Venus,

with an apparent magnitude of minus 3.5.

At least, that's what it says in my little book. Here, come and see.

Come on, here you go.

Right?

That's the only planet in the solar system named after a woman.

Good for her.

How far away is that?

It's about 26 million miles.

But we'll get there one day.

100 years' time, we'll be striding out amongst the stars,

jiggling about with all them aliens, just you wait.

You really believe in all that stuff, don't you?

They're all over the place these days.

If I wait here long enough...

Don't suppose you've seen a little blue box?

-Is that slang for something?

-No, I mean it.

If you ever see a little blue box flying up there in the sky,

you shout for me, Gramps.

Oh, you just shout.

D'you know, I don't understand half the things you say these days.

-Nor me.

-No, fair dos.

You've had a funny old time of it lately.

There was poor old whatshisname, Lance, bless him.

That barmy old Christmas.

I wish you'd tell us what really happened.

I know.

It's just...

The things I've seen.

Sometimes I think I'm going mad.

I mean, even tonight, I was in a...

Doesn't matter.

Well, you're not yourself, I'll give you that.

You just... You seem to be drifting, sweetheart.

I'm not drifting.

-I'm waiting.

-What for?

-The right man.

Oh!

Same old story. A man!

No, I don't mean like that.

But he's real. I've seen him.

I've met him. Just once.

And then I let him fly away.

Well, there you are. Go and find him.

I've tried.

-He's nowhere.

-Hey!

Not like you to give up.

I remember when you was about six years old, your mother said, "No holiday this year."

So off you toddled all on your own, and you got on a bus to Strathclyde!

We had the police out and everything!

Where's she gone, then?

Where's that girl? Eh?

You're right.

Cos he's still out there, somewhere.

And I'll find him, Gramps.

Even if I have to wait 100 years...

..I'll find him.

Oh, fascinating.

Seems to be a bioflip digital stitch, specifically for...

It's my turn for the car.

What do you need it for?

A quick getaway.

SCREWDRIVER WHIRRS

Morning!

Keep an eye out. She'll come back.

And then she's mine.

See you tomorrow.

PHONE RINGS

(Not now.)

I need the car. Where are you?

-(I can't. I'm busy.)

-Why are you whispering?

(I'm in church.)

What are you doing in church?

(Praying.)

Hah! Bit late for that, madam.

-What's she in church for?

-Hush, you! Go up the hill.

But I need the car. I'm going out with Suzette.

She's asked all the Wednesday girls.

She's been on those Adipose pills, she says she looks marvellous.

DOOR OPENS

We know you're in here,

so why don't you make this nice and easy and show yourself?

I'm waiting.

I warn you, I'm not a patient woman. Now, out you come.

Right, we'll do it the hard way.

Get her!

There you are.

I've been through the records, Foster, and all of your results have been faked.

There's something about those pills you're not telling us.

Oh, I think I'll be conducting this interview, Penny.

You've got no right to do this. Let me go!

This is ridiculous.

Sit there.

-I'm phoning my editor.

-I said sit.

'You can't tie me up!'

What sort of a country do you think this is?

Oh, it's a beautifully fat country.

I've travelled a long way to find obesity on this scale.

So come on, then, Miss Foster.

Those pills, what are they?

Well, you might as well have a scoop, since you'll never see it printed.

This is the spark of life.

And what's that supposed to mean?

Officially, the capsule attracts all the fat cells and flushes them away.

Well, it certainly attracts them. That part's true.

But it binds the fat together and galvanises it to form a body.

Well, what do you mean "a body"?

I am surprised you never asked about my name. I chose it well.

Foster, as in foster mother.

And these...

..are my children.

You're kidding me.

What the hell is that?

Adipose.

It's called an Adipose.

Made out of living fat.

THEY MOUTH WORDS

Are we interrupting you?

Get her!

And him!

What about me?

Oh, my God, I don't believe it!

You've even got the same suit.

Don't you ever change?

Yeah, thanks Donna, not right now.

Just like old times!

Cos I thought, "How do you find the Doctor?"

Then I thought, "Look for trouble, and he'll turn up."

I looked everywhere, you name it - UFO sightings, crop circles, sea monsters... I found them all.

Like the bees disappearing, I thought, "He's connected."

Cos the thing is, Doctor, I believe it all now.

You opened my eyes. All those amazing things out there, I believe them all.

Apart from that replica of the Titanic flying over Buckingham Palace. That's a hoax.

-What do you mean, the bees are disappearing?

-That's what it says on the internet.

There were conspiracy theories about Adipose Industries,

-so I thought I'd look.

-In you get!

-What, in that thing?

But they'll just call us back up again.

I've locked the controls with a sonic cage. Only I can control it.

Not unless she's got a sonic device. Which is very unlikely.

Out of my way.

MOTOR WHIRRS

Oh, I don't think so.

Come on. We can get in through the window.

Deadlock the building.

Can't get it open!

We'll smash it, then!

She's cutting the cable!

Donna!

-Doctor!

-Hold on!

-I am!

Doctor!

And now for the other one.

I'm going to fall!

What the hell is going on?!

This is all your fault. I should've stayed at home!

I won't be a minute!

Yes, he's slippery, that one. Time we found out who he is.

-Is anyone gonna tell me what's going on?

-You a journalist?

-Yes.

Well, make it up.

Get off!

I've got you. I've got you. Stop kicking!

I was right. It's always like this with you, innit?

Oh, yes! And off we go!

Oi!

Sorry!

Now do yourself a favour, get out.

Well, then. At last.

-Hello.

-Nice to meet you.

-I'm the Doctor.

-And I'm Donna.

Partners in crime.

-And evidently off-worlders, judging by your sonic technology.

-Oh, yes!

I've still got your sonic pen.

-Nice! I like it. Sleek, it's kind of sleek.

-Oh, it's definitely sleek.

And if you were to sign your real name, that would be?

Matron Cofelia, of the Five-Straighten Classabindi Nursery Fleet.

-Intergalactic Class.

-A wet nurse.

Using humans as surrogates.

I've been employed by the Adiposian first family

to foster a new generation after their breeding planet was lost.

How do you lose a planet?

Oh, the politics are none of my concern.

I'm just here to take care of the children on behalf of the parents.

What, like an outer space Supernanny?

Yes, if you like.

So... So those little things, they're made out of fat, yeah?

But that woman, Stacy Campbell, there was nothing left of her.

Oh, in a crisis, the Adipose can convert bone and hair and internal organs.

Makes them a little bit sick, poor things.

What about poor Stacy?

Seeding a level five planet is against galactic law.

Are you threatening me?

I'm trying to help you, Matron.

This is your one chance.

Cos if you don't call this off, then I'll have to stop you.

I hardly think you can stop bullets.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. One more thing - before dying.

Do you know what happens if you hold two identical sonic devices against each other?

No.

Nor me. Let's find out.

Come on!

I'm advancing the birth plan. We're going into premature labour.

Cellular bossification.

-Tie her up.

-Oh, you're kidding me.

That's one solution. Hide in a cupboard. I like it!

I've been hacking into this all day,

cos the Matron's got a computer core running through the building, triple-deadlocked.

But now I've got this, I can get into it.

-What does that thing do?

-It's the inducer.

We had planned to seed millions.

But if that man's an alien and he's alerted the Shadow Proclamation,

then the first one million humans will have to do.

Find him, and the woman.

Don't waste time, just kill them.

She's wired up the whole building.

And we need a bit of privacy.

Just enough to stun them.

But why's she wired up a tower block?

What's it all for?

'Inducer online.'

You look older.

Thanks.

Still on your own?

Yep. Well, no. I had this friend. Martha, she was called,

Martha Jones. She was brilliant.

And I destroyed half her life.

But she's fine, she's good.

She's gone.

-What about Rose?

-Still lost.

I thought you were gonna travel the world.

Easier said than done.

It's like, I had that one day with you and I was gonna change. I was gonna do so much.

And then I woke up the next morning, same old life.

It's like you were never there.

And I tried, I did try.

I went to Egypt. I was gonna go barefoot and everything.

Then it's all bus trips and guidebooks and don't drink the water,

and two weeks later, you're back at home.

It's nothing like being with you.

-I must've been mad, turning down that offer.

-What offer?

To come with you.

-You're coming with me?

-Oh, yes, please!

Right.

-'Inducer activated.'

-What's it doing now?

She started the program.

'Inducer transmitting.'

Mark the date, Miss Carter.

Happy birthday.

One million birthdays.

I swear, that Adipose treatment is fabulous.

Just look at my chin.

And it's very good for back fat, I'm down two sizes.

It's like a miracle. All that from just one little pill.

And I've been eating like normal.

You all right, love?

Yeah, I'm just...

Funny sort of feeling, like it's...

-What's happened?

-I'm not sure. it just seems to be...

Better pop to the loo.

-Oh, my God, Suzette!

-What?

What is it?! Get it off me!

Come to me, children. Come to me.

Everyone get back, don't touch them.

So far they're just losing weight, but the Matron's gone up to emergency parthenogenesis.

-And that's when they convert?

-Skeletons, organs, everything. A million people are gonna die!

Gotta cancel the signal. This contains the primary signal.

If I can switch it off, the fat goes back to being just fat.

A nice try.

Double strength.

'Inducer increasing.'

No, no, no, no, no, she's doubled it, I need..

Haven't got time. It's too far, I can't override it. They're all gonna die!

Is there anything I can do?

Sorry, this is way beyond you. Gotta double the base pulse...

Doctor, tell me, what do you need?

I need a second capsule to boost the override, but I've only got the one. I can't save them!

It's stopped. They've gone.

-What's happened?

-I think the Doctor happened.

But we've still given birth to 10,000 Adipose.

And the Nursery is coming.

What the hell was that?

It's my lift home.

You can't just leave me here!

It just stopped.

LOUD VIBRATION

What on earth is it now?

Fine.

-When you say "nursery", you don't mean a creche in Notting Hill?

-Nursery ship.

'Incoming signal.'

DISTORTED VOICE

Hadn't we better go and stop them?

Instructions from the Adiposian first family.

Children! Oh, my children, behold.

-I am taking you home.

-CHEERING

Far across the galaxy, your new mummies and daddies are waiting.

And you will fly!

Up you go, babies. Up you go!

That's it, fly away home!

She's wired up the tower block to convert it into a levitation post.

Ooh! Ooh!

We're not the ones in trouble now. She is!

Take me. The children need me!

What you gonna do, then?

-Blow them up?

-They're just children.

They can't help where they came from.

That makes a change from last time.

That Martha must've done you good.

Ah, she did. Yeah, yeah, she did.

She fancied me.

Mad Martha, that one.

Blind Martha. Charity Martha.

I'm waving at fat.

Actually, as a diet plan, it sort of works. There she is!

Matron Cofelia, listen to me!

Oh, I don't think so, Doctor.

And if I never see you again, it'll be too soon.

Why does no-one ever listen? I'm trying to help!

Just get across to the roof. Can you shift the levitation beam?

What, so that you can arrest me?

I saw the Adiposian instructions - they know it's a crime, breeding on earth.

So what's the one thing they want to get rid of? Their accomplice!

I'm far more than that.

I'm nanny to all these children.

Mum and Dad have got the kids now, they don't need the nanny anymore.

SHE SCREAMS

Oi, you two! You're just mad.

Do you hear me? Mad!

And I'm gonna report you for...

madness!

You see, some people just can't take it.

Nope.

And some people can.

So, then...

Tardis!

Come on!

That's my car!

That is like destiny.

And I've been ready for this.

I packed ages ago, just in case.

Cos I thought, hot weather,

cold weather,

no weather - he goes anywhere, I've gotta be prepared.

You've got a hatbox.

Planet of the Hats, I'm ready!

Do I need injections? Like when you go to Cambodia, is there any of that?

Cos my friend Veena went to Bahrain, and...

You're not saying much.

No, it's just...

It's a funny old life,

-in the Tardis.

-You don't want me.

I'm not saying that.

But you asked me.

Would you rather be on your own?

No.

Actually, no.

But...

The last time,

with Martha, like I said...

..it got complicated.

And that was all my fault.

-I just want a mate.

-You just want TO MATE?!

I just want A mate!

You're not mating with me, sunshine!

A mate, I want a mate!

Just as well, because I'm not having any of that nonsense.

I mean, you're just a long streak of nothing, alien nothing.

There we are, then. OK.

-I can come?

-Yeah.

Course you can, yeah. I'd love it.

Ohh, that's just...! Car keys!

-What?

-I've still got my mum's car keys!

I won't be a minute.

I know, Mum, I saw it, little fat people.

I've got to go. I'm going to stay with Veena for a bit.

-'It was in the sky.'

-I know, spaceship.

But I've still got the car keys.

There's a bin on Brook Street 30 feet from the corner, I'm going to leave them in there.

-'What? A bin?'

-Yes, I said "bin".

-'You can't do that...'

Oh, stop complaining, the car's just down the road a bit.

Got to go, really got to go.

-Bye.

-'But Donna, you can't...'

There's this woman that's going to come along,

tall blond woman called Sylvia, tell her that bin there.

It'll make sense. That bin there.

-Off we go, then!

-Here it is, the Tardis.

-Bigger on the inside than it is on the outside.

-Oh, I know all that bit.

Although frankly, you could turn the heating up.

So, whole wide universe -

where do you want to go?

-I know exactly the place.

-Which is?

Two and a half miles that way.

Donna! It's the flying blue box!

What?

That's Donna. That's Donna.

And that's him! That's him!

Go on, girl! Go on, get up there!

Hey...

-Ancient Rome.

-This is fantastic.

It has come, the blue box.

I see the most terrible things.

The prophecies of women are limited and dull.

Only the menfolk have the capacity for true perception.

I tell you where the wind's blowing now.

Doctor, you bring bad luck.

We are building the future as dictated by the gods.

-I demand you tell me who you are.

-Doctor!

The sky is falling.

We're in Pompeii!

And it's volcano day.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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