Hail Who? I, Claudius


Hail Who?

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It's from Herod.

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What does he say?

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It's written from Jerusalem.

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Read it to me. His letters are so amusing.

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"Mr dear old friend,

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"what is all this I hear about you living in three rooms in the o-o-old quarter of town?

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"Is it serious?

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"Why did you not write to me?

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"Is it that absurd pride of yours?

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"Well, I shall attend to that shortly.

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"Meanwhile, knowing how loathe you are to accept money

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"and being the only practical friend you ever had,

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"I enclose a little... p-p-present for you.

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Please, make proper use of it. Herod.

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What is it? Seems very small.

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Well, I don't know.

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I don't think that's very generous!

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Venus! Oh, Claudius, I think your luck is changing.

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I'm sure it's an omen!

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Those dice are crooked.

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You can't possibly use them.

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HE CHUCKLES

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Oh, dear, Herod!

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-How I miss him.

-Master.

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-Have you seen this?

-What?

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-It was pinned on the door of the temple.

-What is it?

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It's advertising a brothel in the palace.

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They're all over the city.

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A brothel, in the palace?

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But who is to serve in it?

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His sisters, his cousins.

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S-S-Senators and their wives.

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You knew about it?

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Why didn't you tell me?

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He wants you there.

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He wants me to take t-t-the money on the door.

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Oh, Claudius.

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Little monster.

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Forcing the nobility into prostitution.

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And in the palace.

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Why, even Calpurnia wouldn't serve in such a place, and that's her profession.

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That is not her profession any more!

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My dear, that was, and is, my profession.

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I'm a prostitute, and I've never been ashamed of it.

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All the same, I won't serve in his brothel!

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There's some price a man won't pay.

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JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS

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Claudius, I was told to bring her here, but she's terrified.

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-Nothing you can do.

-Please, listen!

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She's given birth six weeks ago.

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-If someone touches her, I'm afraid what she'll do.

-No exceptions.

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There must be a room or somewhere to put her. No one will notice. Please!

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Do you want mine to get along with yours?

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You've paid your fee, go on in!

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Enjoy yourself.

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-It's not important.

-No.

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Do you want the child left without a mother?!

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Come.

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Ah, another customer.

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As we were just running out of men.

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Real men.

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Sabinus, isn't it?

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And I see you've brought your pretty wife.

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My dear, you'll make a fortune in there tonight.

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You better, anyway. The emperor has just raised his commission.

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-Shall we go?

-Ah, reinforcements.

-Marcus.

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The emperor's brother-in-law, and your first customer.

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Make him pay through the nose, my dear.

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-You're worth it.

-No!

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Come!

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-What are you doing?

-Chucking you out!

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-You've no right!

-That's what I'm here for, that's what I'm doing!

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-But why?!

-For creating a disturbance!

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-But she was creating the disturbance!

-Out!

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See him off the premises.

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-Go home.

-But if the emperor should return...

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I'll tell him I threw you out for indecent behaviour.

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You are a good man, Claudius.

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Claudius?

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We must help him, the emperor.

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-He's your husband, you help him.

-Claudius!

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He's sick. He needs good people round him.

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He's killed them all.

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-What are you doing here in your condition?

-He told me to come.

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He likes me to be with him.

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Has he shown you naked to his guards lately?

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Oh, I'm sorry.

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It's not for me to c-c-criticise, I bleat to the rest of them whenever he appears.

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There are no lions among us any more.

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ALL LAUGH AND APPLAUD

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LAUGHTER AND MUSIC STOPS

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HE CHUCKLES

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Vulcan with awkward grace, his office plies, while unextinguished laughter shakes the skies.

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Homer for Vulcan read old uncle Claudius.

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Oh...

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Then from his anvil, the lame craftsman rose.

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Wide, with distorted legs.

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Oblique, he goes.

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Oh, bravo!

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Henceforth, uncle, you shall be Vulcan.

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While I...

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Well...

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What am I?

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But Ulysses...

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returning home to witness the shame and degradation of his household.

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Cassius?

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Did you ever see a sight as sad and degrading as this?

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-Shall I arrest them, Caesar?

-No, let them indulge themselves a while longer.

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Soon, I promise you I shall flush this sewage into the Tiber forever.

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Meanwhile, Jove must cleanse himself in battle.

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I have sworn to fight a war against the Germans that will end

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in their total annihilation, and I shall bring back much booty to Rome, fill her coffers, enrich her purse.

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Cassius, order the detachments, and raise the levies.

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I go to forge in the white hot fires of war

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a new and tempered spirit of Rome that will last 1,000 years!

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Good girl.

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KNOCKING

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Claudius.

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I've got a little gift for baby.

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Claudius.

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BABY CRIES

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-That's lovely. Show it to her.

-How is she?

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Come and see.

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Ah, she's very pretty.

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Yeah. She looks just like you.

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Come and sit down.

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So, how's Calpurnia?

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She's well. She sends her felicitations.

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I'm going to see the emperor in Germany soon,

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so I shall be able to report that you're both looking well.

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Why are you going to Germany?

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-Haven't you heard?

-You know they tell me nothing.

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Oh, I'm not sure I should tell you.

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Well, I suppose you'll hear about it soon enough.

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Well, he has informed the senate by letter that he's uncovered

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a vast conspiracy against himself in the army of the Rhine.

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Six corp commanders and the army commander himself, have been executed.

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More executions are still taking place.

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Do you think there was a conspiracy?

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Who knows? Would it surprise you?

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The army commander, no. He was my father's old friend,

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my brother's corp commander, a soldier of iron loyalty. No, that's not possible.

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-Why are you going then?

-The senate is sending me and two ex-consuls to congratulate him

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on the mutiny.

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As I said,

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the only lions left in Rome are in the arena.

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BABY CRIES

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I'm also to strip Livia's apartments of all their valuables and send them to him by road.

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He stresses by road. Apparently, he has a quarrel with Neptune,

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and fears the boat will sink.

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-What does he want them for?

-To auction to the provincial.

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He's auctioning everything now.

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He's discovered he has a gift for it.

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Claudius, what am I doing here?

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Why did he chose me for a wife? I'm ten years older than he is, not

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pretty, I was born the daughter of a night watchman, I married a baker.

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-What does he see in me?

-Perhaps that you,

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alone among everyone,

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truly love him.

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Yes, I do love him.

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I can't explain why.

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I know he does terrible things.

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I'll tell you something.

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He is more afraid than any of us.

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Cassius.

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Just been talking to that river god.

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He threatened to drown me.

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Does he know who you are?

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He does now, I've just given him a severe reprimand, so shut up.

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Well, the river's going down, isn't it?

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Yes, Caesar.

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Your uncle is here with Marcus and Asprenas.

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Let them in.

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Hail, Caesar.

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Lord of the heavens,

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the senate and the people...

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Where are my carts?

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-Carts?

-The carts with the valuables in them.

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Oh, heaven, bless you majesty, they're coming by road.

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They'll be a few days yet. We wanted to get here sooner, so we came across the water.

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Well then, back by water you go.

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Throw them in the river!

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Merciful God!

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How dare you arrive without my carts!

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But you already said the carts should come by road!

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Throw him off on the bridge!

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Prostrate yourselves in the presence of Jove!

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How dare the senate send that idiot to congratulate me.

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Have their throats cut.

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Not worthy of such a mission, the man's an imbecile!

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Save Rome from a conspiracy, and they send that clapped out crippled old clown to felicitate me?!

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Is that the respect that they give their emperor?!

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What's going on there?

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More plots.

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More conspiracies.

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I'll set my German guards on them when I get back.

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I'll burn the damn place down! It never was any use!

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I should have done that a long time ago,

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I should have had his throat cut when I was first made emperor.

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He makes a mess of everything.

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Couldn't even order my brother's statues on time!

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Merciful God, we only came by sea to bring our congratulations.

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I wanted carts not congratulations!

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Up! Up!

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Up! Up! Up!

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Did I not tell you that I had had a quarrel with Neptune?

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That he plagues me all the time with his sea noises,

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stirs the river gods up against me, makes war on me everywhere?

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How dare you ride with him!

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One hopes...

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Yes...

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Perhaps you plotted with him.

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No. Merciful God...

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You and my uncle, you plotted with him on your way here.

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-No, highest one. We assure you.

-What did you talk about then?

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You and Neptune?

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What did you say to one another?

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Nothing, we swear!

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Mere mortals can't talk to a god.

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Perhaps he appeared to you in mortal guise, as I do.

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What did he look like?

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We never saw him.

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Please believe me.

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He wouldn't plot with us.

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Perhaps you're right.

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But I shall kill you just the same.

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Down! Cassius, give me your sword.

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Oh, please!

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In the name of my wife, your sister...

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How dare you mention that whore to me!

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I'll show the Senate what I think of their envoys.

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I'll send you back to Rome in pieces.

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I wish hadn't thrown my uncle into the river.

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I could have done the same with him. But never mind,

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-they'll get the message.

-No!

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HE CHUCKLES

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Ha ha! And where have you been, my dear, dear Vulcan?

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"Oh, I f-f-felt the thunderous might.

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"Hurl'd, headlong down from the ethereal height, breathless I fell

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"in giddy motions lost, the Sinthians raised me on the Lemnian coast."

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Let me read some more...

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Oh, by Jove!

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Well, it is almost the same by myself. This fellow knows his Homer.

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Please, Claudius, beseech the Emperor to save our lives.

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Be silent and obey!

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"Dear as you are, if Jove his arm extend,

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"I can but grieve, unable to defend."

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Look, if the next two lines are apt, then they're saved.

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If not, I'll have their throats cut.

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If oh what...

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"What, oh so daring in your aid to move, or lift his arm against the might of Jove!"

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For Jove... Y-Y...

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Me?

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Ha ha ha!!

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Oh, he has an eye for everything. Come on, get up, you're saved.

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Saved by Claudius and his ready tongue.

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Come on into the other room, I will give you a blanket.

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Oh, Cassius?

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What is the watchword for tonight, Caesar?

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Oh, the watchword for tonight, let me see.

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What about,

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"give us a kiss"?

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Could have been just now.

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Could happen tomorrow or the next day, to you or to me.

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But do not doubt, it will happen one day.

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Did that surprise you, the watchword that I gave to Cassius?

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Oh, I thought it was a j-j-joke.

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It was!

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But it was my joke, not his.

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I do it to annoy.

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Every time he addresses a commander of the guard, he has to say, "give us a kiss".

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Yesterday I gave him, "Touch me, Titus".

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Why, if I may ask,

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do you do that?

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-Because he is a cry-baby.

-Cassius?

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I thought he was the bravest soldier in the army.

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Oh, so did I, but he's not.

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I had him torture Gitunicus to get some information.

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We got no information out of him, and he died under torture.

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One of the guards told me that Cassius wept.

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Well, I was going to give him Macro's command, but I certainly didn't after that.

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How many hours a night do you sleep?

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Sleep? Er... Eight or n-n-nine, I suppose.

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-Well, I sleep barely three.

-Do gods need more?

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Do you think I'm mad?

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-M-m-mad?

-Yes, sometimes I think I'm going mad.

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Be honest with me, has that thought ever crossed your mind?

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Never...never.

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The idea is p-p-preposterous.

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You set the standard of s-s-sanity for the whole world.

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In that case, why is all this galloping in my head, and why do I sleep so little?

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Well, it is all mortal disguise,

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you see. The physical body is a great strain, if you're not used to it.

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Which a god isn't.

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That explains, too,

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I think,

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the three hours' sleep.

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You see, undisguised gods never sleep at all.

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Yes, you're probably right.

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But then, if I am a god, which of course I am, then

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why didn't I think of that?

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Anyway, whatever the reason, it's very hard to be a god.

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Oh, you do know that I'm that all powerful god whose coming the Jews have prophesied

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-for centuries?

-Oh, yes, yes you told me.

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I feel very privileged to have received that information.

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Especially as the Jews, apparently, don't know it.

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Yes, but it's prophesied that he'll die young and be hated by his own people.

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No, I can't believe that.

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No, not hated.

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It's incredible, isn't it?

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It must be true.

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Uncle, I want you to come with us on this expedition.

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When we've auctioned the stuff in the carts, when they arrive,

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we shall cross the Rhine, defeat the Germans, and then we shall march

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towards the sea and I shall do battle with my old enemy, Neptune.

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Oh, what triumphs I shall have when we return to Rome.

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Now, you may leave me, I have a headache.

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BUGLES BLARE

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Your Emperor is amongst you once again.

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All his wars successfully concluded, and the victorious armies brought back to Rome.

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He had thought, in his divine innocence,

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that the roads might be lined with cheering crowds.

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He had thought that the streets might be strewn with flowers.

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He had thought that there might be messages to greet him, telling him of triumphs to be awarded.

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And what did he find?

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This conqueror of the Germans, this victor over the mighty Neptune?

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The streets empty of crowds and flowers.

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No triumphs awarded, no games, no celebrations,

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but three miserable old ex-consuls waiting at the gates to greet him,

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and a roomful of cowardly stay-at-home senators

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who spend all their time in the theatre and at the baths,

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while he has spent six months living no better than a private soldier!

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Hence...

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your Emperor has returned,

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but with this in his hand!

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But, Jove, you ordered no triumphs.

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Well of course I ordered no triumphs! Do you think I'd order triumphs for myself?

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But you ordered us not to order any.

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Yes, and you took me at my word, didn't you!

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Typical!

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It didn't occur to you that I might be leaving it up to you for your love to show itself freely?

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It didn't occur to you that it might be my natural humility speaking?

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I ordered you not to celebrate.

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But you ordered celebrations for the anniversary of Actium, didn't you?

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Didn't forget to celebrate the defeat of my great-grandfather Marc Antony?

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How many bottles of wine did you open, toasting his murder while I was doing battle with the sea?

0:25:590:26:04

Show them our booty!

0:26:060:26:09

Show them the plunder we gathered from old Neptune.

0:26:090:26:12

Seashells?

0:26:230:26:25

Yes, spoils of the sea.

0:26:250:26:29

Loot from old Neptune.

0:26:290:26:32

He won't take me on again in a hurry!

0:26:320:26:35

Jove, while you were away we built a new temple to you on Palatine Hill.

0:26:420:26:49

That won't save you!

0:26:490:26:51

Down on your knees, all of you!

0:26:510:26:53

Bend your heads. I shall sever each one at the neck.

0:26:530:26:57

Merciful God! Would you spoil the great day of your return by the spilling of blood?

0:26:570:27:02

When they come to write the history of this memorable day,

0:27:020:27:05

should they have to mix it with the memory of the death of these fools?

0:27:050:27:09

Claudius is right, my lord.

0:27:090:27:11

My husband.

0:27:110:27:13

Think of your little daughter.

0:27:130:27:15

One day when she is older, she will read the account of your return.

0:27:150:27:18

Must these fools intrude on such a glorious page of history?

0:27:180:27:24

Your soft words

0:27:300:27:32

have appeased my wrath.

0:27:320:27:35

As we know,

0:27:360:27:38

prayer can soften the hearts of gods.

0:27:380:27:41

You may go.

0:27:450:27:48

I shall inspect the temple in the morning.

0:27:480:27:51

How right you were, Jove, to think of punishing them for celebrating the Battle of Actium.

0:27:580:28:03

Well, you see, Marcus, I had them both ways.

0:28:030:28:07

If they hadn't, they would have insulted the god Augustus, my grandfather, who won the battle.

0:28:070:28:12

Agrippa was also there, and was your other grandfather...

0:28:120:28:15

Marcus Vinicius,

0:28:170:28:19

you are no longer my friend.

0:28:200:28:23

What have I said?

0:28:250:28:27

You reminded him that Agrippa was his grandfather.

0:28:270:28:31

-But Agrippa was a great man!

-Yes, but of very low birth.

0:28:310:28:35

Such men do not produce gods, Marcus.

0:28:350:28:38

Certainly not one that's capable of

0:28:380:28:41

d-d-defeating N-Neptune.

0:28:410:28:43

If you're no longer his friend,

0:28:490:28:52

what can you be but his enemy?

0:28:520:28:54

Go your own way, Cassius!

0:28:540:28:56

If we all go our own way,

0:28:560:28:59

we shall all end by going the same way.

0:28:590:29:01

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:29:020:29:10

Yes, I'm coming.

0:29:070:29:10

Yes, yes. I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!

0:29:100:29:14

Claudius, don't go.

0:29:140:29:16

They could be assassins.

0:29:160:29:17

Who are you? What do you want?

0:29:240:29:28

You're wanted at the palace.

0:29:280:29:29

-Is that you, Cassius?

-Yes. Hurry up.

0:29:290:29:32

What's the matter?

0:29:320:29:34

My orders are to fetch you at once.

0:29:340:29:36

Marcus Vinicius and Asprenas too.

0:29:360:29:39

Never mind about dressing, just throw on a cloak.

0:29:390:29:42

How long have we been sitting here, do you think?

0:30:090:30:12

About two hours.

0:30:120:30:14

Must be nearly light.

0:30:140:30:16

-What you think he's going to do with us?

-I don't know.

0:30:160:30:21

I just hope it's quick, that's all.

0:30:210:30:24

Claudius, I'm sorry I've made fun of you in the past.

0:30:390:30:42

It doesn't m-m-matter now.

0:30:420:30:45

Will you give me your hand?

0:30:450:30:48

Thank you, that's a great comfort.

0:30:480:30:50

CYMBAL CRASHES

0:30:530:30:56

MUSIC BEGINS

0:30:560:30:59

# Whene'er the god of Night sleeps on

0:31:020:31:08

# The rosy-fingered goddess Dawn

0:31:080:31:14

# Tiptoes on his domain

0:31:140:31:17

# And hence she flits across the sky from star to star

0:31:220:31:26

# She lightens darkness where she flies

0:31:260:31:28

# And blows night's candles out

0:31:280:31:30

# Raging on her heels, Night treads

0:31:370:31:41

# And tries to hold her fast

0:31:410:31:43

# And bring her loveliness to bed

0:31:430:31:45

# And ravish her at last

0:31:450:31:47

# And every night

0:31:480:31:50

# He once but tries to win a single kiss

0:31:500:31:53

# To win a single kiss

0:31:530:31:57

# Before the morning sun

0:32:000:32:04

# Night will rob him of his prince

0:32:040:32:08

# And now she turns

0:32:120:32:16

# And Night he treads

0:32:160:32:19

# On hills everywhere

0:32:190:32:24

# She must awaken from their bed

0:32:240:32:30

# The secret lovers there

0:32:300:32:37

# But loathe to hurt They linger there

0:32:370:32:43

# She hurtles them away

0:32:430:32:47

# But oh, the Goddesses

0:32:470:32:51

# Must hear We worship you each day

0:32:510:32:58

# We worship you each day. #

0:32:580:33:04

Oh, god of gods!

0:33:100:33:13

Never have I witnessed a dance

0:33:130:33:16

that gave me such p-p-profound spiritual joy!

0:33:160:33:21

-Did you like it?

-It was indescribable!

0:33:210:33:27

Well, it was only a rehearsal.

0:33:270:33:31

Oh, whatever will the finished performance be like?!

0:33:310:33:35

Get up.

0:33:350:33:37

Come here.

0:33:370:33:39

What did you think of the girl?

0:33:410:33:44

Oh, beautiful.

0:33:440:33:46

You old lecher!

0:33:480:33:50

Bring the girl back!

0:33:520:33:54

I'm going to marry her to you tomorrow!

0:33:570:34:00

T-t-to me?

0:34:000:34:03

It would be very funny. All that loveliness married to a silly, crippled old fool like you!

0:34:030:34:09

What on earth would you do with it?!

0:34:090:34:12

Oh, Messalina! Come here.

0:34:150:34:18

I'm going to marry you...

0:34:220:34:25

to Uncle Claudius!

0:34:250:34:28

And you can both come and live in the palace!

0:34:280:34:31

Thank you, Caesar.

0:34:340:34:36

Now, I must away to shed more light.

0:34:360:34:40

Oh yeah, the watchword tonight.

0:34:530:34:57

-Bottom's up!

-HE LAUGHS

0:35:020:35:06

I'll give you another watchword!

0:35:140:35:17

Liberty!

0:35:170:35:20

I-I-I-I-I'm sorry.

0:35:240:35:29

Don't you want to marry me?

0:35:290:35:32

Well, I...

0:35:320:35:35

It's just that I'm so much older than you.

0:35:350:35:42

I'd be very happy to be married to you.

0:35:420:35:45

To tell you the truth, I was terrified when he brought me here.

0:35:490:35:54

I thought he was going to...

0:35:540:35:56

I'd feel safe being married to you.

0:35:580:36:01

Do you think you could ever love me?

0:36:030:36:05

I think...

0:36:100:36:12

I'm in...

0:36:120:36:17

l-l-love with you already.

0:36:190:36:22

Well, if I'm to be married tomorrow, I must go home and get ready.

0:36:380:36:42

Goodbye, Claudius.

0:36:450:36:49

G-G-G-G-G-G...

0:36:590:37:03

Goodbye!

0:37:090:37:11

Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus, his family and friends.

0:37:190:37:25

Welcome, Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus, to you, your family and your friends.

0:37:430:37:51

I thank you, Messalina, for my family and my friends.

0:37:510:37:57

And I thank you for myself.

0:38:030:38:06

The noble senator, Incitatus.

0:38:130:38:15

You know everybody, don't you?

0:38:240:38:26

Find yourself a place.

0:38:270:38:29

He's never been to a wedding before.

0:38:330:38:35

His life has really opened up since I made him a senator.

0:38:350:38:38

Let the auspices be taken.

0:38:400:38:43

Kill him!

0:38:430:38:45

We've talked enough. I say kill him.

0:38:450:38:49

It's risky.

0:38:490:38:51

You can't kill a man without taking a risk.

0:38:510:38:54

Those German guards never leave him.

0:38:540:38:57

There's always a way.

0:38:570:38:59

But are you with us?

0:38:590:39:01

Or will you wait until he offers you poisoned fruit or has your throat cut?

0:39:010:39:05

It's all right for you - you're a soldier.

0:39:050:39:08

Yeah. You can leave the killing to me,

0:39:080:39:12

but will you help?

0:39:120:39:14

He's right, Marcus.

0:39:170:39:19

The longer we leave it the more certain it is we shan't survive.

0:39:190:39:22

All right, but when and where?

0:39:240:39:28

Tomorrow is the final day of the Games.

0:39:280:39:33

Let's do it then.

0:39:330:39:35

Where?

0:39:350:39:38

There's a covered way at the rear of the Imperial Box.

0:39:380:39:42

It's an exit you must persuade him to use.

0:39:420:39:45

-How?

-Find a reason.

0:39:450:39:48

Tell him there are crowds out front and that they'll delay his meal.

0:39:480:39:52

He'll have his German guards with him.

0:39:540:39:56

Yeah, now here's the tricky part.

0:39:580:40:01

Sabinus and I will be waiting outside.

0:40:010:40:04

You'll be in the box with Caligula and a few friends.

0:40:040:40:07

Normally, he would lead the way out, followed by his friends and the guards.

0:40:070:40:12

The staircase down to the covered way is narrow.

0:40:150:40:20

You must be sure to be behind Caligula.

0:40:200:40:23

As he steps out into the covered way, you must stumble or drop something,

0:40:230:40:28

anything to give us time to slam the gates from the outside

0:40:280:40:32

and separate Caligula from the guards.

0:40:320:40:34

That's all you have to do.

0:40:340:40:36

And then what?

0:40:410:40:44

We call on the Senate to declare a republic and put an end to this madness.

0:40:450:40:50

Who dies with Caligula?

0:40:500:40:52

The whole Imperial family.

0:40:520:40:54

Caesonia, the child, the two sisters,

0:40:540:40:59

and dear old Uncle Claudius and his new wife.

0:40:590:41:02

No, I don't want that.

0:41:060:41:08

We must! Whatever they think of Caligula, they won't rest until they've removed his assassins.

0:41:080:41:13

None of us would be safe afterwards.

0:41:130:41:16

It's Caligula alone, or not at all.

0:41:180:41:23

All right, just Caligula.

0:41:370:41:40

Liberty.

0:41:470:41:49

And the Republic!

0:41:490:41:52

I don't like it. It's dangerous to leave the others alive.

0:41:540:41:58

We shan't. I'll see to that, don't worry.

0:41:580:42:02

If they're in for Caligula, they're in for the lot.

0:42:020:42:06

CROWD CHEERS

0:42:060:42:10

Oh, damn!

0:42:130:42:15

I've lost all my money! Not playing any more.

0:42:150:42:18

Here my Lord, let me lend you some.

0:42:180:42:20

Lend? You know how I hate running up debts.

0:42:200:42:23

Oh. Well, HAVE half of my set.

0:42:230:42:26

Why am I so unlucky today?

0:42:310:42:34

Unless of course it's your dice we're playing with?

0:42:340:42:37

My dice? Why should my dice be any different from any other?

0:42:370:42:41

Well, a dice is a very personal thing -

0:42:410:42:43

one man's dice might be lucky for himself and not for his friend.

0:42:430:42:47

Here, my Lord, try these.

0:42:470:42:49

They were sent to me by Herod.

0:42:490:42:51

He claims they once belonged to Alexander the G-G-Great.

0:42:510:42:55

Really? I had no idea that Alexander played dice.

0:42:550:42:58

He had so many things in common with you, Lord.

0:42:580:43:02

-CROWD CHEER

-What is it?

0:43:020:43:05

He's got the Thracian down.

0:43:050:43:08

The crowd want him spared, they've turned their thumbs up.

0:43:080:43:11

CROWD BOOS

0:43:270:43:30

He only had one neck. I'd hack it through.

0:43:320:43:36

That Thracian has lost me a lot of money over the last year.

0:43:390:43:43

Alexander you say? Well, let's see.

0:43:430:43:46

By jove!

0:43:510:43:53

That looks promising.

0:43:530:43:56

Come on, pay up everybody!

0:43:560:43:58

I think I'm indebted to you uncle, you've changed my luck.

0:43:580:44:02

Some dice are fit only for gods to throw.

0:44:020:44:05

What about something to eat?

0:44:050:44:06

Is Caesar hungry?

0:44:060:44:08

No!

0:44:080:44:10

Oh!

0:44:110:44:13

I see what you mean! These dice were made for me.

0:44:130:44:17

Come on, pay up again.

0:44:170:44:19

You did me a lot of harm with those dice, Marcus.

0:44:190:44:22

And I'm raising the stakes to 3,000.

0:44:220:44:24

I've run out of money, Lord.

0:44:240:44:26

It doesn't matter - your new wife's got plenty. I'll take an IOU.

0:44:260:44:30

I've posted guards at both ends and told them to prevent anyone coming through here.

0:44:350:44:40

He'll be out soon.

0:44:420:44:44

I've dismissed the palace guards.

0:44:450:44:48

They're all at the Games.

0:44:480:44:49

Will you strike the first blow?

0:44:520:44:54

Jove himself couldn't stop me.

0:44:560:44:59

Well I can see you don't want to play anymore. You only like playing when you're winning.

0:44:590:45:04

Shall we watch the Games for a while?

0:45:040:45:06

-What about a swim and then something to eat?

-I don't think so.

0:45:060:45:09

I don't feel very hungry today, but I've had a wonderful morning,

0:45:090:45:12

-thanks to you. Is there any small favour I could grant you?

-Oh Lord,

0:45:120:45:16

please regard it as a small return for the great happiness you've given me with my new wife.

0:45:160:45:23

Happiness?! It wasn't supposed to make you happy, nor you her.

0:45:230:45:27

-It was meant to be a joke.

-Oh no, you misunderstand me.

0:45:270:45:32

I'm so clumsy at expressing myself.

0:45:320:45:35

What I meant was that my happiness comes from contemplating yours.

0:45:350:45:40

To be the cause of so much merriment

0:45:400:45:44

is the source of deepest satisfaction to me.

0:45:440:45:48

Where are you going, Marcus?

0:45:480:45:50

To tell the truth, Lord, nature calls.

0:45:520:45:55

-It must have something I ate last night.

-Don't look at me.

0:45:550:45:58

If i'd decided to doctor your food you wouldn't have to wait until morning to find out.

0:45:580:46:02

That's odd - he wanted to eat a moment ago.

0:46:070:46:11

-His behaviour is very strange lately.

-Strange?

0:46:110:46:14

Nervous. What's he got to be nervous about?

0:46:140:46:17

We're all nervous in your presence, Lord.

0:46:170:46:21

I've never been able to understand.

0:46:220:46:24

Excuse me... thank you.

0:46:270:46:30

He doesn't want to eat. We'll have to put it off, it won't work.

0:46:380:46:41

-Then I'll go in and kill him where he sits...

-Ceasar will cut you down.

0:46:410:46:45

What's that to me?

0:46:450:46:47

But I'll call on you for help before they do.

0:46:470:46:49

No, wait!

0:46:490:46:51

I'll tell him his Greek ballet have arrived.

0:46:510:46:55

He'll come out for that.

0:46:550:46:56

Anything, but get him out here!

0:46:560:46:59

Lord, Cassius informs me your Greek ballet is here.

0:47:200:47:25

Greek ballet? Where are they?

0:47:250:47:27

Waiting outside to greet you.

0:47:270:47:29

Bring them in and present them. Just the boys, the girls can wait.

0:47:290:47:33

Lord, they say they have prepared a dance in your honour which they wish to perform for you outside.

0:47:340:47:39

Oh, in that case, we must not disappoint them.

0:47:390:47:42

Shall we go and see what they've prepared?

0:47:420:47:45

Lord, they're waiting at the rear. The front is too full of people.

0:47:450:47:48

Well, if they're as good as people say they are,

0:47:510:47:53

I might let them dance for me.

0:47:530:47:55

INDISTINCT SPEECH

0:48:140:48:16

The watchword, butcher, is liberty!

0:48:160:48:19

HE SCREAMS IN PAIN

0:48:190:48:21

No, you can't, I'm a god! You can't kill...

0:48:250:48:28

Drusilla!

0:48:320:48:34

I'm dying, Drusilla!

0:48:340:48:41

Finish him!

0:48:410:48:44

This from our wives, Jove.

0:48:440:48:47

You fools! You let them get him!

0:49:010:49:04

Your Empire! After them!

0:49:040:49:08

BABY CRIES

0:49:190:49:22

Oh, Cassius! Cassius, what's happened? Where's everybody gone?

0:49:220:49:26

-BABY CRIES

-Lord, the baby!

0:49:260:49:29

SHE SCREAMS

0:49:320:49:35

SHE GRUNTS IN PAIN

0:49:380:49:42

SHOUTING

0:50:000:50:03

There's some stuff in here. Hurry up, lads.

0:50:090:50:11

Take what you can and let's get out before the Germans come.

0:50:110:50:15

Just get anything you can take.

0:50:170:50:19

-Hey, sergeant?

-Yeah.

0:50:360:50:38

Here's one of them.

0:50:380:50:41

It's one of the assassins.

0:50:410:50:43

Don't kill me, sir.

0:50:430:50:45

I had nothing to do with it.

0:50:450:50:47

You bastard. Kill our beloved Emperor, would you?

0:50:470:50:50

Put us all out of work...

0:50:500:50:52

Wait a minute! That's not an assassin.

0:50:520:50:55

It's the Emperor's uncle, Germanicus' brother.

0:50:550:50:57

He's harmless. Leave him alone, can't you see he's crippled? Get up.

0:50:570:51:01

You see, the lads are a bit angry, sir.

0:51:030:51:05

Without an emperor there's no Pretorian Guard

0:51:050:51:08

and it's back to the army for the lot of us.

0:51:080:51:11

-I must go and find my wife.

-'Course you must, sir. Claudus!

0:51:110:51:15

Take a couple of the lads and go with this gentleman.

0:51:150:51:18

-Why can't we have him for an emperor?

-What?

0:51:180:51:22

Old Claudius? Don't be stupid, lad. He's a simpleton, he's...

0:51:220:51:26

I don't know, he's better than nothing.

0:51:280:51:31

-SHOUTING AND JEERING

-I don't want to be Emperor!

0:51:310:51:35

I'd like to...

0:51:350:51:38

You, a member of the Imperial Family, sir?

0:51:380:51:41

Don't make me laugh.

0:51:410:51:43

Eh, lads, we've found an emperor.

0:51:430:51:45

Wait a minute!

0:51:560:51:58

Just a minute, Herman.

0:51:580:51:59

That's our new emperor.

0:51:590:52:02

Kaiser!

0:52:030:52:04

EMPEROR!

0:52:060:52:09

-Ja?

-Ja...

0:52:090:52:12

Lift him up, lads. Long live the Emperor Claudius!

0:52:120:52:17

Put me down.

0:52:170:52:18

Put me down!

0:52:180:52:20

Don't worry, sir, you'll get used it.

0:52:200:52:22

It's not such a bad life.

0:52:220:52:24

Put this on him.

0:52:240:52:26

Put me down! I don't want to be an emperor. I'm from the republic...

0:52:270:52:33

Don't keep saying that sir, not in front of the Germans!

0:52:330:52:36

they'll slit your throat. Now come on, smile.

0:52:360:52:38

Smile, that's it, look at me.

0:52:380:52:42

Long live the Emperor!

0:52:420:52:44

ALL: Long live the emperor! Long live the emperor!

0:52:440:52:49

Long live the emperor! Long live the emperor!

0:52:490:52:53

Long live the emperor! Long live the emperor!

0:52:530:52:58

Long live the emperor! Long live the emperor!

0:52:580:53:02

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2006

0:53:140:53:17

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0:53:170:53:20

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